Happy Bomb-aversary to Me! - DivorceBusting.com

Today is the one year anniversary of the bomb.

It is hard to believe that much time has passed.

You celebrate Pearl Harbor Day too? : )

LOL - guess it is kind of morbid.:) I am celebrating the fact that I have survived the year without losing myself in it all.

Good!

Better. : )

Do something good for yourself...but not like a gallon of ice creeam good for yourself, yeah?

I'll try - work is keeping me extremely busy (as you can see.:))

you work for 24 hours a day?

crap this new health care bill is already affecting people!!!

Sometimes it seems like it . . . but work = $$.

$$ buys stuff.

Stuff owns you.

True. This MLC has thrown a wrench in so much, and to be honest I still live in fear about the financial aspect of things so I have a hard time turning down work right now. I am sorting through that and trying to let go and find that balance that is healthy.

The stuff .. . in the past few months I have looked around our house and just am amazed at how much crap we have accumulated. I have been on a major purge streak (when I have time) and have gotten rid of a lot on craigslist, goodwill etc. Still so much more to go, but it feels great. I swear if it isn't nailed down I am trying to get rid of it.:)

HI TF-
That spring cleaning mode hits me about now each year, as well...Not so much for me to clear out since most of that was done in the move last summer. Thankfully, I haven't accumulated alot since our space is smaller.

I notice anniversary's too..kind of to give myself perspective of where I was compared to where I am now.

Makes me wonder where I'll be a year later! I hope you feel good about where you are now..its a journey that doesn't really end..but its nice to know you're further down the road, so-to-speak.

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

$$ buys stuff.

Stuff owns you.

Or...

$$ buys services.
Services buy time.
Time buys fun.

: )

Circular argument.

$$ = Costs time.

Depends...on the service though.

Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans

: )

Circular argument.

$$ = Costs time.

Depends...on the service though.

True. It actually depends on how many hours of service you can buy with one hour of work. My H is a L. One hour of his time can buy a lot of lawn mowing :-).

Okay, so I am trying very hard to dig deep for patience here. I see good stuff happening a lot. I am thinking my H is reconnecting with the kids truly now, not touch and go. He is very hands on with them when he is around (rather than just stepping in when he felt like it, it is more constant) and he is way more equal with them, rather than "favoring" S like he seemed to be before when he would make connections. He is making a conscious effort to be with them.

Financially, he seems to be getting a grip, at least somewhat.

That sense of entitlement that seemed to be always present for months has pretty much disappeared, at least as far as I can tell.

He is nice to me and in the past week or so has done several things simply to help me out (and no, I didn't ask for help), things he hasn't done in forever and forever. He is still not really reconnecting with me, though, and still keeps his life very separate from mine. I guess the spouse comes last. I admit it is sometimes hard to see him so normal with the kids (of course, I am relieved by that) and yet here I am, still left out.

I am trying to dig deep for patience. Outwardly, nothing has changed in the way I go about what I am doing and I still have zero expectations from him. YET I am getting my hopes up and trying so hard not to. This is MLC. He hasn't said a word about wanting to be part of the family again. Who knows what is going on in his mind. Inside sometimes I am screaming HURRY UP but don't want to rush things - I want him to finish.

Sigh. Patience, patience, patience.

And the dog. He and the dog seemed to have reconnected.:)

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

He is still not really reconnecting with me, though, and still keeps his life very separate from mine. I guess the spouse comes last. I admit it is sometimes hard to see him so normal with the kids (of course, I am relieved by that) and yet here I am, still left out.

Yes the spouse comes last�

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

I am trying to dig deep for patience. Outwardly, nothing has changed in the way I go about what I am doing and I still have zero expectations from him. YET I am getting my hopes up and trying so hard not to. This is MLC. He hasn't said a word about wanting to be part of the family again. Who knows what is going on in his mind. Inside sometimes I am screaming HURRY UP but don't want to rush things - I want him to finish.

Sigh. Patience, patience, patience.

Make that your mantra�

Don�t screw this up now sweetie, come here and vent�

You are close and are doing beautifully in all aspects�

((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Close. . . but so far away.:) It is hard because it does start to bring up insecurities in me that I thought I had worked through - what if it WAS me and not his MLC? What if he doesn't want to reconnect with me? I know I would be fine no matter what, but . . .

And now that I am looking at good stuff, I am afraid I am going to screw it up. My changes are real and have stuck, and I think he sees that.

Seriously, the relief of seeing him acting like DAD again, truly. This from the man a year ago who said he didn't want that responsibility anymore.

TF

We have got a ways to go but we are closer to the finish than to the start. I feel for you and can soooo relate! Keep coming here to vent it is fine with us. We want no penalties! You hear!

I will keep coming to vent. You are right, I think we are closer to the finish than the start. Things have changed so much here since the bomb for the better. I can't complain. I won't complain!

Happy for you TF. Keep the patience!!!

Trying to keep the patience.:) I feel more like I have a shot now, don't want to wreck it!

To be honest, I am afraid to be happy or too hopeful . . . this is MLC and there are still no guarantees.

Arrrggggh!

Trusting, I'm eagerly reading your posts and hope that things will improve even more with your WH. Just remember that sometimes they come out of the tunnel but may go back in again. Don't get discouraged if that happens. Patience.....Stay Cautiously Optimistic. I'm crossing my fingers and wish you all the best.

Ditto to what Mila said, TF!

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

Arrrggggh!

S,

Frustrated?

Don't let it get the best of you...

Just another brick in the road you have been laying for a long time now sweetie.

((((hugs))))

TF,

Hang in there!

Day by day, go back and read your old threads and see the progress.

So pleased to see how things are going for you, although its hard right now.

You can do this!!

SR - So good to see you here! I just posted on your new thread. Thanks for stopping by.:)

Mila, SA, and Cat - thanks for the encouragement. I am trying to not let it get to me and be frustrated. It so seems the fog is lifting but not all the way there yet, probably not by a lot. But he looks like my H again, he acts a whole lot more like my H again, just wish it extended more to me.

Gotta admit, I kind of wish I had a crystal ball right about now . . .

Hang in there, TF!

I'm trying!:)

Hey woman-

Important email.

So what is going on? Or are you forgetting to be patient?

Happy Easter!!!

I see some happy kids in your future since the bunny is coming.

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

Gotta admit, I kind of wish I had a crystal ball right about now . . .

And do what with it ?

Maybe this is just me, I just see you focusing more on watching him than I see you watching you lately....

That is a tough spot, and walking that tightrope CAN be devastating to you and your progress.....

Your focus needs to shift, and HOW that happens doesn't really matter.....

You are at a stuck point and need jump started.....

So I am gonna make you think.....

How have your needs and wants changed lately, and why are you letting him interfere with those....?

How has placing an expectation affected your path ?

Has the light you have shined in his direction, made your path darker for you to walk....?

Before you say no, read back and see how much of your posting has him in it, and you less and less.

With that said.....

Happy Easter to you TF....

Any great plans ?

Happy Easter, TF!

Its been a while since I've seen your thread. Is your MLC husband still at home? I'm so glad to hear that he is spending more times with the kids.

You are such a strong lady having endured so much and yet come so far since the bomb. Keep your eyes on the prize... that means you!

Trusting,
I know that this has been extremely frustrating in the last few weeks, but you are in the home stretch. I always caution those who are this close and yet feel they are so far from the finish line, please be patient. This is the hardest part of the journey for the both of you. what a crystal ball would reveal could very well frustrate you all the more.

Trusting, put the focus back on to you and your family. Your h is still very fragile and needs to finish growing up. I know you want it over like yesterday, but he's still got a little ways to go.

Put your faith in the man upstairs and allow him to complete what needs to be done. Easter is tomorrow and it brings new beginnings, just like spring does. Plan something special and continue to look to the future...it shows much promise!

Happy Easter!

Cat - thanks for the email. Response soon.:)

Yes, I suppose sometimes I am forgetting to be patient. I am actually kind of conflicted right now.

My D is certainly excited about the Easter Bunny and is threatening to stay up and try to see him and wants to leave him a carrot. He may actually prefer some chocolate.:)

Mach,

I don't feel like my focus has shifted more back to him, but I suppose it probably has. He looks like my H again, acts like himself so much more again (relaxed, even almost happy somtimes), is so much more like a "real" dad again, but he is not "my H." It is hard not to notice so many positive changes in him and make me hopeful.

I am working to shift back and make sure I am focusing where I need to.

Will be thinking about your questions. I have a lot to think about.

FHS,

Yes, he is still at home and has actually been around home increasingly more as of late. The kids are just so happy, it's great to see.

Thanks for the reminder about what the prize really is!:) Working on it!

Snodderly,

Thanks for the reminder about patience - I definitely need to keep hearing it from all of you. And you are right about the crystal ball. Sometimes it SEEMS like it would be easier to know, but probably not. I know had I had one when I was dating my H to see this far ahead, would I have ever married him? I would have missed out on our happy years, my kids . . .

I do want all this to be over, but I do recognize he still has a lot of work he needs to do to grow up.

I don't listen to country music, but I do remember a Garth Brooks song (The Dance) from years ago and the lyrics keep going through my head:

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
"

Okay, so just another post to kind of clarify. Yes, I suppose my focus has shifted more back to my H (I have caught myself stepping back into role as "wife" a little bit a couple times and have to be aware not to do that). BUT a lot of my turmoil now is actually within me. I am at that LBS point I never thought I would reach. Yes, I have been standing for my marriage and now I am seeing positives but NOW I am realizing how very much I have changed in the past year or so and how far behind my H is. I have matured a great deal - he has gone back to his teenage years. So if he "comes back", I realize how very difficult it will be and that kind of scares me.

My priorities, my goals, have changed so much. I want the man I am married to to be chasing after those same goals. I wonder if my H ever will . . .

Trusting --

I have been following your "story" off and on for some time --and I am delighted to know that your husband seems to be moving out of the MLC "tunnel". I totally understand your concerns about your husband's lack of maturity --and your desire for him to emotionally be there where you are now. I am SURE that should I ever be faced with a similar situation, I will feel much the same way.

However, I truly believe that God can grow these men up --can heal them --can restore them in ways that we cannot comprehend. I guess that's why we call it "faith" --because humanly speaking we find it hard if not impossible to see how anyone coming out of a difficult MLC can become a whole, mature, healed individual.

If God put you on this path, He will see you to its completion. May this be just the beginning of lots of good news from you!

Happy Easter --

Ottocat

TF - that is an interesting dilemma you've pointed out. You and H being at different maturity levels. Only time will tell if he will catch up with you. Hopefully there is enough of the "old him" for you to love while you patiently guide him all the way out of the tunnel so he can complete his journey.

You will need to believe in him and in yourself, your work is just beginning. I know that it's scarry and you don't want to get hurt again. But as you said you have matured a great deal and learned a lot about MLC. You can do it

Many of us would like to be in your shoes. All the best, keep us posted

OP -

Mila - Thanks for your encouragement. I do need to regroup a bit and get it together. I did survive so far with the MLC, I guess I can keep going.:) I do feel lucky. Even if our M doesn't work out, he is at a pretty good place again with the kids and we are on good terms (just not married terms!), so I really can't complain.

Ottocat - Thank you so much for stopping by my thread! Your registered date shows you have been around a long time - do you have a current thread? Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for that reminder. You are right- God can heal and make my H whole again. I need to just keep H in HIS hands and not worry about it so much.

I have my own moments of "clarity" when I can see that this MLC HAD to happen. I have known my H his whole adult life and he has been struggling with these issues on and off the whole time. Hopefully this will be the catalyst for him to actually face and deal with them and move on to a better place for him. I do pray that happens. I can see how our M could be so much better in the future for having gone through this.

Happy Easter!!

Oh, a side note. I went to church looking forward to a great Easter service (it was!). But before the service started, this couple behind me was just bickering back and forth constantly. Not sure they were aware I could hear or maybe they didn't care (I was trying NOT to listen but it was right by my ear). They bickered about where they parked, Easter candy, etc. I just wanted to turn around and tell them to STOP! It is so not worth your marriage/time/energy to fight about stuff like that. Then he tried to apologize for something he had said and she turned it back around negatively. Uggh. I really was about to scream! I have never been so glad for the music to start!

God help me if I get another shot at M (this or different one)from arguing about stupid little stuff again!

DM - Happy Easter to you too! Hope you are having a good day!

TF-Happy Easter! If you went to the Easter service I think you went to- I hope you had an easy time finding parking! More cars than I've ever seen this morning!

Quote:

God help me if I get another shot at M (this or different one)from arguing about stupid little stuff again!

One of the things we learn from going through this-Perspective and Gratitude!

NO kidding there, too bad we can reason with them!!!

KJ - Were you just driving by? It was insane! We had a bit of a hike.:)

Got some gas and a yummy Starbuck's treat for the girls' breakfast! I was thinking you might be over there in the traffic jam/parkng lot! Insane is right- I joked with the girls that there were more cars there than people in Lafayette! Hope it was a good service despite the couple behind you! :-)

It was awesome! Absolutely packed. And I could still hear that couple nattering back and forth throughout the whole service but fortunately couldn't hear what they were saying.

Hi again, Trusting -

No --I don't have a thread ---I just "drop in" every now and then when I feel like I really want to make a comment. My situation is soooo like so many others on the board. I have learned much over the years --and Snodderly was one of the ones who taught me how to react and behave around these "aliens". My husband, like yours, has had issues his whole life --so it is not surprising that this happened. However my H was a very serious Christian --and was active in our church --led a Bible study --etc---etc. Then MLC happened and he totally flipped and has become someone I don't recognize. He left to "go find himself" in 2002 --and is still out there. But the Lord knows what he needs --and is "out there" with him as he walks this wilderness journey. All I can do is go on with my life --and continue to trust the Lord for the future.

This walk is never easy, Trusting, but because you have been so faithful through it all --there will be many blessings waiting for you at its end!

Hang on and keep close to the Lord ---

Ottocat

Ottocat,

Well, thanks again for stopping by!:) Sorry to hear your H is still out there - hopefully he is learning or will learn the lessons he is meant to. Isn't it strange how they can just flip like that?

The walk is very, very hard, but I am already seeing so many blessings through it. Truly. So many good things have come out of it for me and my kids. Maybe it is just me looking more for the blessings (rather than focusing on negatives), but I do see them in abundance already.

Thank you so much for your encouragement.:)

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

The walk is very, very hard, but I am already seeing so many blessings through it. Truly. So many good things have come out of it for me and my kids. Maybe it is just me looking more for the blessings (rather than focusing on negatives), but I do see them in abundance already.

This is the key to maintaining a Positive Mental Attitude, looking to the Blessings, looking at a situation and finding the positives. It is so easy to look at life and find the negatives and it is even easier to focus on the negatives. Sometimes it takes a moment to realize how blessed we are and that they are all around us.

It does sound like you are on the final leg of your journey, but still gotta make it work that last mile, you gotta cross the finish line, there is no doubt that the last mile of that marathon is the hardest to run.

Prayers for you.

Hi TF, how are things in your sitch? I hope that there are some positive baby steps from your H that give you strength and hope.

Quote:

So many good things have come out of it for me and my kids

.

I see that you are focusing on the positives

You are doing great

MHL,

Thanks for stopping by! I have started a "thankful thoughts" (named by my S) journal with my kids, trying to get them to look for the positives in every day, too. It really does help with PMA for sure! I am hoping to instill that into them, that the blessings are everywhere if we just look for them.

That is such a good way of looking at it - the last leg of a marathon being the hardest to run. BUT I have made it this far, so I can't quit now (though I definitely still want to sometimes~).

Woo hoo!! I just fixed the garbage disposal that has been not working for months!! I was waiting for my H to look at it since he has way more experience with this stuff than me but got tired of that. Google is my friend, and now I can use my disposal again.

Do I get an honorary man card?:)

Its in the mail!!!!!

TF - We can do anything if we set our minds to it

I know what you mean about Google. How did we live without it?

Quote:

Do I get an honorary man card?:)

In my book you'll get an "Honorary very strong woman card"

It is kind of embarrassing how ridiculously proud of myself I am.

I can see someone grinning from ear to ear from where I am sitting. It is an awesome feeling when you fix something around the house.

You can have Kerry's. He hasn't used it lately. : )

Congrats TIF! You really seem to be working the whole DB things so well. Well done on the Man Job! Hope you`re getting lots of fun stuff done just for you too.

MHL -I was grinning for quite awhile after I fixed that disposal! Even the kids were impressed and my D was looking for things to grind up.:)

Jack - LOL - Kerry might want to use his again sometime soon.:)

FG - Think I am doing pretty well on the whole DB thing overall. Unfortunately, I don't have much time at all to get much fun done for me. Work is keeping me really busy, as is still pretty much carrying the load as far as the kids and the house goes. My H has been helping out with the kids more but work has been keeping him busier these days.

Okay, so trying to wrap my head around something. My H has of course kept us pretty firmly shut out of his life for the past 1- 1 1/2 years. That includes work. Part of his job is his passion and we have not been "welcome" at some of the work Events for a year and a half now. We did go to one a couple months pre-bomb (that last time we went) but he didn't really seem to want us there. He used to ask me to bring the kids by during his busy times so he could see them. Hasn't done that in a year a half.

He has an Event this weekend. He wants us to come. I am still in shock. The kids are thrilled. I thought I would be excited. I feel kind of . . . meh . . . probably because I have some pretty strong walls built. After being his biggest fan for years and then being shut down, it has caused me a huge amount of pain.

This does seem to be a large step forward, though.

TF,
Remember, the last mile of the marathon is the hardest to run. I am right there with you....As many positives as I have going on with my W there are the times in between the positives that are hard because you have to let down your wall a little. When we let down our wall, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable. You know there is more pain ahead, the pain reminds us we still love and care for our spouses.

And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:7-10

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

This does seem to be a large step forward, though.

BIG STEP FOR SURE. Beware though, keep expectations at zero....look for small positives at the event. Do not expect another big step anytime soon. I would even anticipate a small step back, that is the reality of things.

I am so very happy for you.

Going to the event went well. I was nervous but did have my PMA on by the time we got there. I was afraid I might be fighting tears the whole evening but I was okay. I did have a couple moments but did fine.

I definitely felt like we were visitors there rather than a part of it all as we had been in the past, but that was okay. It was probably better that way at this point anyway. The important thing was that he made a big step to invite us back into his world again on some level. The kids were so happy because it was a direct answer to one of their bedtime prayers.

YET believe it or not (okay, believe it, he is MLC), I am seeing once again some "replay" type behaviors I haven't seen for months, especially in regards to trying to look younger again. Some of the teenage clothes have come out again after quite awhile and he has done a couple of things I haven't seen for six months or so. I was quite thrown and unfortunately have let it bother me and bring me down.

It is strange to have such what feels like huge progress only to see him jump back so far again. Fortunately, personality-wise he still feels the way he has been as of late. Sigh. This ride is exhausting.

I just found out something else that my H has not told me about - a pretty big thing, nothing bad at all (actually a good thing) or incriminating, but something else he is still keeping from me, at least so far.

I feel sick to my stomach, partly because I am so tired from so little sleep last night and partly because I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Yet again.

Not sure what to do.

Okay, so I actually was wrong about one of the replay things I had thought in post up above. Guess I should listen to what they saw about ASSuming.

Trusting
Try not to overanalyze everything. As you pointed out you were wrong when you made an assumption. I was/am a chronic over analyzer. Once you let go and just let him go on his journey then you will stop paying attention to the little things. Focus on yourself and your children. I know it is hard to imagine being happy without your h but think of all of the great experiences you can have bonding with your children. Take this time for yourself and your children.

TF,
Remember......Last Mile, you are on the last mile. It is still a mile, a long way by any measure. If I told you to get up and run 1 mile right now, no shoes, no atheletic wear, no water, nothing, you would have problems running that mile. You have been running a marathon, you have on the shoes, you have the proper attire, you have prepared....relative to what you have done in the past this last mile is nothing, relative to everyday life, this is going to be the hardest mile of your life.

You so deserve the rewards of your efforts for so long, be patient, a mile is a long ways, (5,280 feet). Thats right 5000 feet you have to go. DO NOT mess it up now!! There is absolutely nothing your husband could do right now that would surprise you....there will be some more trials for you. If not you would be done with the race, right????

Come here to vent, think twice about everything. It is like going back to the beginning and things that happen now are just as shocking as they were in the beginning. This is all part of the last mile......you know how to run the last mile.... it is just like the miles before.....one foot in front of the other...one day at a time. You will finish this race. Prayers for you and your family.

TF,
Good for you for fixing the disposal( I think its a SuperWoman card you're wanting!) and going to H's work event-sounds like it was a bit out of your comfort zoneand a big unknown- but you did it and had a good time(and Yay!! for the kids!).

You have made it a very far,way down this path! I have no doubt you can make it to the end! You know what to do! Patience, PMA, Don't assume-beginner's mind...No expectations...Those lessons are serving and will serve you well!
Hang in there honey!

TF, the finish line is in view and we're all rooting for you. Pace yourself, hydrate with patience. Slow and steady wins the race!

SA, KJ, MHL, and Mermaid - Thanks for your encouragement! It's nice to hear people are rooting. Know that I am rooting for everyone here as well!

I am trying to remain detached and keep my expectations way down there. Not doing too badly there.

MHL, thanks for the analogy about the marathon. It is so fitting. I know I am just weary (as all of us are). The last year and a half have been completely emotionally and physically exhausting (from lack of sleep - still suffer from insomnia, having to do everything on my own, etc.) and I am just tired. Now that it SEEMS like I am getting closer and closer to the finish line some days I feel like I just can't put one more foot in front of the other. Even with the positives. I'm trying to put this back into God's hands and back off, trusting Him because He has come through for me the past year and a half in pretty amazing ways.

Honestly, being invited to my H's work deal last week seemed like an impossibility that it would ever happen again. I am still kind of in shock. It was truly a gift though, because I got to see him in his element again acting like a normal person. All we have seen the past year and a half is when he is around us (mostly at home) and in all his MLC glory. I am grateful for that glimpse of him.

Quote:

the finish line

There is no finish line.

If there is you lost.

Keep doing better TF, always do better. Never...uhhhh....finish.

Thinking of finish line in terms of my H starting to come out of his MLC. For me, I definitely don't want to be "done" with working on me. I never want to stagnate the way I did before this journey gave me a kick in the butt!:)

Amen to that, TF.

We are all "work in progress" and so are our marriages...If we have learned anything from this so far then it should be that the work can't never stop.

I think that is most definitely one of the most valuable life lessons we can learn.

Originally Posted By: Trustingfaith

Now that it SEEMS like I am getting closer and closer to the finish line some days I feel like I just can't put one more foot in front of the other. Even with the positives.

Originally Posted By: Trustingfaith

Thinking of finish line in terms of my H starting to come out of his MLC.

TF,

Don�t you start talking like this now.

I mean it.

NOW is when you need to really reach down into the depths of your soul and find that strength that is there.

Strength that you still don�t believe that you have.

Oh yes, my friend, you have grown, but the real test, the real marathon, the real growth start NOW, you are no where near the finish line.

Are you up to the challenge?

I think so�

Cat - don't worry. I'm not giving up (yet). Just venting. I am really, really tired but I have been going this long and I can keep going.

Reading your answer reminds me of one of the Rankin Bass christmas specials.

I think "Santa Claus Is Comin to Town."

"You put one foot in front of the other...and soon you'll be walking cross the floor..."

Keep steppin' sweetie

I am still steppin.':) I had a good, much needed cry last night and am doing better today.

TF,
There are those moments aren't there, I know I had one not to long ago. I think it is healthy, I find that even when you are experiencing those down moments you know things are going to be okay, you are just allowing yourself to experience those feelings.

Keep it up, you are doing great.

Speaking of marathon analogies, I was reading a book by Dave Ramsey today (the financial peace university guy) and he also used a marathon analogy. His marathoner friend was telling him about the hardest part of the marathon -

"At about the eighteen-mile marker (out of 26.2), runners begin to lock up. Some really nasty things start to happen to your muscles and your mind at that point. Almost through the race and nothing wants to finish. The highly trained and conditioned body starts talking to you about stopping. Big black clouds of doubt enter the mentally tough and trained competitive mind. "

I must be at about the 18 mile marker.:) Hopefully I can rehydrate and push through until . . . . ?

TF, when you get to the point that you are, close, but not quite there, when it's hard to stop your mind from looking ahead a little, when you know you'll have to switch gears and go about this differently than you have been. I believe there gets to be a kind of security in detaching as the LBS. I can only imagine that there would be some anxiety thinking about the task that's looming on the horizon. Thinking about functioning as a couple again instead of essentially alone.

TF, it sounds like you're close to finishing this leg of the race and you've got the strength and the knowledge to go on to the next. I hope you can feel us cheering you on!

All the best to you, your H and your children.

God Bless.

Wow, Seeking, I was just briefly discussing this with someone the other day.

Detatching becomes our safety net. Why?

Because once we learn how to do it, and we learn to appreciate what it has done for us, it becomes easier to get to that place or not want to leave it.

Is it really the best place to be?

With our MLCers, I do believe the answer is yes. Even when they say they want to come back, there has to remain a healthy distance for a long while. Because they aren�t ready for there not to be and if we are honest with ourselves, neither are we. With them, it is something that has to really be slowly undone.

With other people, family members, friends, new R, unless the other person�s behavior is extremely destructive to us, then I would say no, it isn�t healthy in the long run or even fair to the other person. However, you will find it happening.

That is where trust begins to enter the picture. Communication skills that hopefully we have improved through our own journey. Old fears may rear their ugly heads. It is then up to us to redeal with those things, hopefully not taking anywhere near as long as it did in the past. This is when it is time to really apply all that we have learned.

It is another period of retraining ourselves. To be open to taking the risks again. To allow the baby steps to be ours. To remember to be patient with ourselves. To really have our eyes open, not just to what others are doing, but to ourselves. Especially to ourselves, what we are doing and how we are feeling. It is hard. I will tell you it can be very hard and very scary. It is necessary though.

TF, just remember who you are, what you have learned. And be open to more learning and growing. You are ready for what ever comes next for you.

SA and Cat, Thanks for your posts. SA, you put into words what I have been trying to sort through in my mind, why I am feeling the way I have.

I do absolutely feel the need to remain detached, though more open. I know if I don't, those expectations may and probably will start creeping back in and neither one of us is ready for that. He still does have a ways to go.

I have slowly been taking very tiny risks and so far so good, no negative reactions but it is so hard to know how to proceed.

Trust, Cat. Do you mean in ourselves or our MLCer? My walls are definitely built pretty high. I trust my H as far as I can throw him which isn't too far considering he outweighs me by about 100 pounds. I don't trust him with my heart, not yet with our money, not with much - though I am starting to trust him with our kids, mainly because he is proving himself. I guess that it what it is all about.

I am all about regrouping right now.

TF - I could have written that myself. I'm going through exactly the same feelings and it's not easy to remain completely detached and even more difficult to trust H, since I don't even feel that he is trusting himself yet.

He gave me hope by asking to come back, but I also get discouraged, because subconsciously I want so him to show me more love, more remorse, more, more....and it's not there the way I would like to see it...yet. He is truly depressed and is dealing with him now and not ready to deal with US.

I do see how he is reconnecting with D. And that's great

Funny you get you self into a certain state of mind when you detach and he sure threw a new curve ball at me by saying that he wants back. I have to find new balance for me to go through this stage.

Mila, and your curveball came right out of the blue! Weren't you expecting D talk? This is a tough row to hoe.

That was an interesting comment you made about your H not trusting himself yet. They do have to find their way back and figure out who it is they are and how they want to be.

I too am so glad to see my H reconnecting so well with the kids. Ultimately that is more important especially at this point - their little hearts have been hurt and they don't have the understanding I do about what is really going on, just that daddy hasn't been daddy. They are happy though still pray for their dad every night before bed, as they have for the past many months.

I would love to hear the words from my H, but at this point just am watching actions.

Okay, before I get hit over the head for my "watching his actions" comment, I don't mean I am sitting around weighing his every move.:)

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

Trust, Cat. Do you mean in ourselves or our MLCer?

TF,

Trust. Period. Be really honest with yourself. Do you trust your own judgement right now? In regards to other people? At least as far as your H is concerned?

You say you don�t believe him. Is that because he has lied so much, or because you are scared that if you do put any trust in him, you will be proven wrong, thus questioning your own judgement?

Yes we need to relearn how to trust them, but they have to earn that trust. Slowly. And they have to want to earn that trust.

But we also have to learn how to trust in ourselves as well. That it is ok to put your faith in people and know that if they let you down, it doesn�t mean that you were wrong.

It is how the walls we build get broken down and how we keep them from reforming in all of our relationships.

It is a necessary step in our healing. Otherwise, we remain as stuck as they are.

Cat,

I do question my own judgment right now at times, to be honest, mostly in regards to H. I do struggle with that. It is that whole trying to figure out how to be right now.

As regards to not believing him, it is both. Yes, he has not been honest with me about much for the past year and a half and yes I am scared to put any trust in him because I am scared of being proven wrong.

Example - he has taken some actions it seems to start rectifying his financial mess and take some of that pressure of off me (his words about the pressure) - YET I don't trust him to do the things that need to be done completely, at least not yet. BUT his actions have shown good faith effort.

And I am just not sure he is trying to earn my trust back yet, at least not intentionally, if that makes any sense. But for the most part in the past few weeks the things he has said he would do he has followed through on.

My confusion is in that the more he acts like the old H, the easier it is to FEEL like I can trust him (I never had to question my trust in him before this MLC) but then I think back over the past year and a half and how completely my trust has been broken and just don't know what to think.

Just kind of venting. I have to feel my way through all of this.

TF,
Question....your husband has not come out and said "I want to work on it" or "Let's go to counseling" or anything like that has he?

The reason I ask is that my W has not said anything either but her actions are speaking pretty loud, but I still want to hear it.

MHL, no he has not said anything like that yet. His actions seem to show he is coming around, but I guess time will tell.

I am right there with you....I am afraid to ask (and I am not going to) what are we doing???

I am too.

Things get to going in the direction you want them but our spouses actions have not sync'd up with their words for so long that you want them to say and act the same way.

Time and Space, Time and Space, Time and Space.....I keep telling myself to give her Time and Space.

TF, just dropping by, but I was very excited when I glanced through your sitch. Especially at the invitation to the work event. I'm going through major trust issues too, WH says he wants to reconcile, but I really don't trust him anymore and keep questioning everything. Big difference though -- when WH is with me and talking to work people on his cell, he makes a big deal out of pointing out to them that he's with a great girl (me!) -- but he NEVER says it's his wife, wants them to believe I am some sort of new hot date! Your H wants to bring you guys -- in person -- to his work event. I think that's wonderful! Good luck

MHL - Time and space - maybe I need to get that tattooed on the back of my hand so I can be reminded constantly. Things seem to progress forward yet without those words . . .

SC - I think their words and actions have to match up for us to believe them. I think the work thing was a pretty huge step for mh H since he had been shutting us out so deliberately like he didn't want to admit we existed even though so many people there know we exist and know who the kids and I are. So strange. Of course, a year ago he was trying to be "single" so I guess it makes sense.

Another hard part is waiting (or not waiting) for the next positive thing to happen.

Something good happens, we kind get our heartstrings plucked a little and then we get our hopes up a little and wait for the next thing to happen.

We need to detatch even more as Cat said.

MHL,

Not detatch more, just don�t allow yourself to get sucked back in too quickly. Eventually, the detatchment has to come to an end but carefully and slowly.

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

Of course, a year ago he was trying to be "single" so I guess it makes sense.

That's probably a key point, right there! If your H isn't trying to be "single" anymore. That would be a wonderful thing if your H is there!!

TF - Often when I'm down about H I sing to myself "Time is on my side, yes it is" By The Rolling Stones, it seems to help LOL.

Cat and MHL - that is the hard part. Trying to maintain the correct level of being detached and allowing that to ease off when needed.

SC - Not sure where he is as far as that goes, but he will now be seen with us in public it seems. Yet he still does for the most part try not to let me into his life too much yet as far as what he tells me, etc. Sloooooooowly that is improving. But veeeeerrrrrrry sloooooooowly.

Mila - guess I should add that to my playlist! I too keep reminding myself that what is a couple of years of hell compared to what our M has been and where it could be for a much longer time than that. The lessons we have learned, the pain we have gone through, all of that can make the M so much stronger in the future if given the chance.

TF,
Sorry for the hijack but I think we are in the same boat for now.

Cat,
Understand what you are saying, I think this stage of the game that it is a balancing act between letting down that guard a little in order to be around them and do things with them but not be surprised or hurt when they take a step back or are not progressing in step with you.

TF - Nicely said

Quote:

The lessons we have learned, the pain we have gone through, all of that can make the M so much stronger in the future if given the chance

Yes "if given the chance"

MHL-

Quote:

Cat,
Understand what you are saying, I think this stage of the game that it is a balancing act between letting down that guard a little in order to be around them and do things with them but not be surprised or hurt when they take a step back or are not progressing in step with you.

I think that sums it up really well. I am trying to find that balance - it is so hard!

Mila - I guess time will tell if we will be given that chance, but if not with this M maybe a new one.

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

I think that sums it up really well. I am trying to find that balance - it is so hard!

It IS hard ....

Maybe you should try just living for you for now....

Focusing on finding the balance is keeping you from actually finding the balance...?????

No need for a temperature check....

You will be found if anything changes....

Oh, I am continuing on the way I have been. It is just that he is around so much more now and interacting in different ways that he hasn't for months and months and it just changes the dynamics.

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

It is just that he is around so much more now and interacting in different ways that he hasn't for months and months and it just changes the dynamics.

Does it really?

Only if you change how you are�

Only if you allow it�

Trust in yourself, TF.

You know what to do and Mach is right�

He knows where you are if anything changes�

But when something changes it DOES change the dynamics in some way. I am not changing the way I have been and the work I have been doing and continue to do, yet I do have to allow myself to open up some if the situation warrants instead of remaining closed off. The changes I have made aren't changing back, and ones that haven't "stuck" as much as others I am continually working on.

Ok I get you now.

It forces you to change your actions and reactions.

In a postive way I hope:)

Yes, that's what I meant.:) And yes in a positive way. I refuse to let his actions/reactions/moods affect mine. He still can be all over the place. I don't want to be.

TF, I like that

Quote:

I refuse to let his actions/reactions/moods affect mine

.
Today I'm fighting to stick to that.

Mila, for me it is easier said than done all the time but I am definitely trying to maintain that and am doing pretty well so far.:)

"I refuse" - That's the fighting spirit we both need

TF,

GOOD for you, and THAT is pretty impressive.

Cat should have given you something for Pie(R)cing if you ever need it.

Standing aint for whimps and Pie(R)cing aint for whimps either but in different ways. : )

Mila - it is a fight for sure sometimes to try to maintain that "I refuse."

Jack - Cat did come through with that. Thanks.:) Here's to hoping I make it to pie(r)cing!

About a year ago when I first started lurking and then signed up here, I couldn't figure out what made pie(r)cing so hard if both of you wanted to work on the marriage - sounded great to me! I was so much more naive back then. NOW I get it. I can see how it would be extremely challenging, painful, difficult, frustrating, all of that.

We both have walls built sky high now. Trust needs to be rebuilt. There is so much crap in the way now that will have to be dealt with. I know I have forgiven and forgiven and forgiven and won't throw things back in his face but there is so much that needs to be worked through. I guess time will tell. Still trying to be patient.:)

Hi TF!

Just stopping by to say hello again!

SR- Thanks for stopping by - always good to see you!:)

Digging deep . . .

Hand me the shovel when you're done.

TF,

Remember you can still vent here.

One step forward, two back...

Sort of how this works sometimes...

TF, we're here for you.

Thanks so much! I will be venting I am sure. I am seeing a one step forward but thankfully more like a one step back so I guess that is an improvement. It is even minute to minute. Crazy!!

I guess my frustration that I am TRYING not to let get to me is seeing him really making efforts in other parts of his life to fix/clean up damage from fallout from the MLC(with the kids, finances - yay, etc.) but with ME? Nothing other than baby steps yet. Though some have been maybe more like toddler steps.:) And that honestly is bringing back those insecurities I felt around the time of the bomb.:(

D, I was just at Home Depot - should have looked for a bigger shovel!:)

TF - hang in there...remember that the spouse is the last one they will try to reconnect with. Here is a link for you to look at, I found it helpfull.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=190969&page=1

Patience girl (((hugs)))

Thanks, Mila. That is a great link. In my head, I know that this MLC really has very little to do with me and who I was, that I will be the last to reconnect with, all of that. I can see the gestures he has made toward me gradually over the last few weeks especially as possible signs of reconnections. HOWEVER, when I let my heart get the best of me . . . sigh.

Weather has definitely affected me post-bomb like it never has before in my life, and today is a gray day . . .gotta shake it.:)

TF,

The built wall comment, really hit me. It is eaxctly what me and my wife talked about. We agreed that we were building walls around ourselves instead of working toward building a wall around US.

yadda yadda yadda pretty flowery words...but true. : )

Still...

Quote:

Weather has definitely affected me post-bomb like it never has before in my life, and today is a gray day . . .gotta shake it.:)

I hope you do, it woul dbe pretty pathetic if the weather actually made you have a pisspoor day. Stupid clouds! Stupid rain! Stop making me feel all yucky! Hulk mad!

: )

As for the reconnection...

Who do you think the MLC hurts the most? (Besides themself...that is)

The spouse...right?

Don't you think that maybe just maybe...this reconnection with others might be giving them the skills and confidence to try and reconnect with the spouse later?

Quote:

As for the reconnection...

Who do you think the MLC hurts the most? (Besides themself...that is)

The spouse...right?

Don't you think that maybe just maybe...this reconnection with others might be giving them the skills and confidence to try and reconnect with the spouse later?

Wow, you are right. Start with something easier in order to "practice" what is harder. Never thought of it that way. And of course that reinforces the fact that I need to keep my changes going.

Those walls. Uggh. They are there. Mine are of course from my heart getting stomped on and my family torn apart and my trust broken. His? Well, the issues driving his MLC and now he has spent so much time shutting me out and trying not to be a H/father that honestly at times I think he isn't quite sure how to let me back in. Just a guess on my part. Like last night, he made a comment that let me know about some plans he had for the weekend but the way he told me was just funny - cluing me in without really telling me.

So far I haven't let the weather get me down today, though it IS making me want a nap, especially seeing the dog all curled up in her "nest" snoozing the day away.

Something I have noticed about those walls, you bang your head against them for months and months with nothing to show, then one day a very small tap brings several big bits down all at once.

SR, I sure have missed your words of wisdom in your absence - glad you are back!:) I have noticed that - the banging of my head for so long and now that chinks are starting to show in that wall, I am not always sure what to do with it.:)

I am sad this morning. I'm sure at least part of it is because I am running on very little sleep due to insomnia last night due to THNKING too much. Wish I knew how to shut that off!

It has been an interesting week with some things happening around here that seem to be positive steps in MY direction, a couple even I think could count as wow moments. However, then yesterday happened and while nothing particularly earth shattering, it was just a reminder that MLC ick is still clearly there. Par for the course I guess.

It seems like little tiny pieces of bricks here and there in both of our walls are coming down (though I am clearly very afraid to take mine down at all - don't need to be hurt any more) but I wish it was more like a jenga move - take out the right brick and the whole wall comes down.

I have noticed now that my H is opening up a bit more about his life/plans/etc. and I respond with questions, and I am talking about small talk kind of quesions - nothing like interrogation, after one or two he starts to clam up. I need to remember to not do that, or be careful about it . I guess he still feels the need to keep me shut out.

TF, hang in there you are doing all you can do...I know how frustrating this stage is. Don't push him, don't ask R questions unless he brings it up. You don't want to spook him...

Don't get discouraged if it's two steps forward and one step back.

Remember... Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

BTW I can't sleep much either...usually 4-5 hrs. But it seems to be enough, I function OK. Weird

You have to remember that this a process. That time will come. Now is just not that time. Remember patience.

Thanks for your encouragement.:) My mood is getting a bit better as they day goes on - a little power doze probably helped.:)

There are some days (like today) I just feel like I can't do this another day. Then the day ends and somehow I keep going and it is okay.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me - the monsters were having a party in my head and making mountains of what are probably molehills. I hope. And I was also feeling those feelings of sadness about the way things have been. I have found that I do need to let myself feel that so I can move on. I certainly hope today is better.

I was just discouraged too just realizing my H's integrity/moral compass/whatever you want to call it is still skewed and NOT like the man I married and I don't really want this kind of man raising my children. I wonder if he will ever fix it.

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

I wonder if he will ever fix it.

TF,
This question has been crossing my mind lately about my W. We know we can go the distance, have the patience, and are better off for the journey we are on, but you can't help but wonder when or if the MLCer will fix that "compass".

We have both seen enough changes in our spouses' behaviors and have had those positive baby steps that we know things are moving in the right direction. You wonder though if they will make it all the way through their journey or will they get stuck. Also, will we know if they are stuck or if this selfish mindset is something is permanent and will never change.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace . . .

Hi TF-
THinking of you! Stay mindful and in the present and you'll get past the hard times.
((((HUGS))))

Okay, so I probably screwed up pretty big. Last night after everyone was in bed I was just sad . . . so lonely and tired of sleeping without my H there. I went into the bathroom to have a good cry and I guess due to the vents in the house he heard me and came up to see if I was okay.

I decided to take a gamble and go with the truth since he did come up. I told him I wasn't okay and that I was lonely. He referenced a friend who I had just talked to on the phone earlier and I said that is not who I missed. He knew that anyway I am sure. The conversation wasn't really horrible except that he didn't say much of anything. His jaw was twitching. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he wasn't going to say anything so late at night (wow, that does't sound good).

At one point he said he was sorry for being the cause of all my troubles. At that point I didn't say anything.

Anyway, he did give me a hug before he went back down but I feel so awful and terrible today. I slept two hours last night if that. I am all worked up to the point of not being able to keep food down.

I am so tired of this. I just want to be done.

TF

Hang in there. It has got to be tough when you interact with H. Harder to detach. I always know when I am not detaching enough. I feel like crap...

Don't mind read you don't know where his head is or what he's thinking, even if you could read his mind you wouldn't want to be there.

Stay strong and read your signature...I always get a shot of encouragement when I read your signature "Endurance is a testament of love."

Good words...

I don't see that you did anything wrong.

(((TF))) (((Hugs)))

I agree with OP. I don't see where you did anything wrong EXCEPT you are wasting time dwelling on what if's. We are here for you TF.

Thanks guys. True, I guess I better get my own signature line tatooed on my hand so I can remember it. I still feel like crap today. I think part of is that I really thought he had reconnected more with me in that he could step towards me more. But I am obviously wrong.

Another thing is that the whole OW question is something I have always gone by my gut. I am quite sure there was one, then it seemed like not anymore, and then now my imagination is running wild and my gut doesn't know what to think. No real reason to think that but who knows. I am tired of it being a question but realize I couldn't do anything about it anyway.

I spent my waking hours (of which there were many) praying and praying.

In the light of day, I look back and realized that toward the end of the conversation he did even joke around a bit. I am trying to look at all the positives that have been happening lately but am stuck on this for now.

I just want my H back, not this one.

Originally Posted By: TrustingFaith

I just want to be done.

No you don�t, or you wouldn�t be so upset.

Originally Posted By: TrustingFaith

I think part of is that I really thought he had reconnected more with me in that he could step towards me more. But I am obviously wrong.

You opened the door...

and got your heart squished...

Why?

Because you were looking at what you saw as positives, you developed an expectation, that he failed to meet.

Sweetie, you just went through what so many of us have been through.

If and when he is ready, he will tell you.

Originally Posted By: TrustingFaith

now my imagination is running wild

So stop it. You know better than this.

You ARE better than this.

Check your voice mail.
(((hugs)))

Originally Posted By: cat04

Originally Posted By: TrustingFaith

I just want to be done.

No you don�t, or you wouldn�t be so upset.

Now the way I read that was she wants her H to be done with his crisis. Still their are expectations in that statement.

Cat is spot on with lowering your expectations but I understand how hard that is to do.

Cat, that wasn't too bad.:) Thanks for talking me down from a ledge.

OP and Cat, both right about the expectations. Time to pick my squished heart back up off the floor, work on zero expectations, and get back on board this nauseating roller coaster ride. And fasten my seatbelt tight.

I guess "done" kind of meant wanting off the ride. I do want his MLC to be over but you are right Cat, not ready to walk away yet.

One year anniversay of divorce being final..tomorrow! I say it was the worst day of my life but seems to have been the best of XH's! OW is gone, but now he is living it up like he is 21 again! I know in reality he is miserable...43 yrs. old, no wife, no kids (we live 700 miles away from him), no house, a man roommate, etc. But, that doesn't make raising three kids alone any better!

I still struggle with so many things. The latest is that when the OW dumped him I thought he would want to come home, didn't happen! We went on a family trip together the end of March, thought that would make him see how much he misses having a family..it didn't. We slept together many times on the trip..thought that would make him miss me and "us" again, it didn't! I have cut off all contact with him for a whole 7 days now, which is a record for me since the OW has been gone, haven't even had contact regarding the kids! He seems to careless!

I am trying to move forward and am not going to allow myself to be too upset tomorrow..I am going to go get a massage!!

A

Originally Posted By: Augtan

I have cut off all contact with him for a whole 7 days now, which is a record for me since the OW has been gone, haven't even had contact regarding the kids!

I hate to say this but 7 days in the scheme of a MLC is nothing. You should stay NC for 7 months and see what happens.

�Love is an action, not a feeling. Love is a choice. In fact, love is a commandment.� ~ Mack Timberlake

TF I like the quote...My H thinks that all it is a feeling...because he "feels it" for OW it must be true love.

Mila--mine is the same way, that love is a feeling that he has no control over, and he felt it for his OW too and they were perfect for each other and I broke them up!! Go figure! She was and is a nut job, gave up custody of her then 5 yr old son to be with my still very married husband! Now, three years later, she doesn't have my XH or her son...she didn't want to come 2nd to our kids when she gave up her's!! What a steller mom and person huh?? Sorry you are going through all this...again!

OP- Things were going good with XH and myself since Jan. when the OW left him, we went on a trip together and he was coming out of the tunnel, so contact was good and both ways. Since we left him to go back home after our trip (700 miles away from him), he has gone back into the tunnel. So, 7 days is good since I just started going dark on him again. I did that continully when OW was in the picture, was as dark as I could be with 3 kids to parent with him. Now, I am starting it all over since he is back in MLC big time again. He wants to live like he is 21 and I can't take it, so it is easier not to have any contact with him at all. It is easier for ME, really don't care what it does for him or where it brings him at all right now. At this moment, I am done with someone so cruel, no one knows the future, so I never say never, but I am pretty close to never when it comes to him. Thanks so much and your right, 8 days and counting, isn't long, but given what has happened it is for me and I am proud of it!

A

Originally Posted By: Augtan

given what has happened it is for me and I am proud of it!

Stay on your path and keep up the good work!

Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement! It means alot and I am going to stay strong! He is coming up here in a little over a week...I need to stay focused and away from him!

A

I think one of the things we are lucky enough to learn on this journey if we work on it is how to love truly - unconditional love, not based on emotions, not based on how we are treated or what we receive, and how to use it to forgive.

I just wanted to say a quick thanks to those who encouraged me yesterday. Today is MUCH better. I am back on track and feeling good. I am sure getting a good night of sleep (actually the best in a long time!) went a long way towards that.

Our conversation of a couple of nights ago so far has not come back to bite me in the butt. Everything so far has been fine (well, MLC fine).

TF - Good to hear that you are having a good day

It's such an up & down. I just hate that part, no matter how hard we try, they still manage to rattle us.

Yup, Mila. Today was a bit of a down day again. BUT I am better now. Hopefully tomorrow will be another great one - gonna try!:)

Does anyone have that link on the article on detachment handy?

TF

Here is the one OP posts

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Perfect - thanks. I have a RL friend who would benefit from reading it.:)

Just a quick vent/minor pity party. This weekend is my anniversary. We obviously didn't celebrate last year and I don't expect it to be acknowledged at all this year, either (and it won't be by me). I am sad. I have plans to spend the day with the kids doing some fun things (and will invite H if he chooses to join) which will hopefully go a long way in making me take my mind off of it. But I am still sad. Really, I just can't wait to put it past me so I dont' have to dread it anymore.

tf - I'm right there with you. My 24th anniversary is/would be May 17th. My H moved out 2 years ago in July - this will be the 3rd not celebrated - 2nd not acknowledged (except by me). It is tough. Although not divorced, not really married anymore - but the day still has meaning (and maybe moreso now). Hang in there. Keep busy! My H will have the kids on "the day" so I will have to find something else to do...............

Sorry TF

The dreaded anniversaries, B-Days, family celebrations....that meant so much before....so hard to take.

I'm dreading Mother's Day....H always gave me a gift, took me out, or made a special dinner for me and I was just looking at the beautiful card that he gave me last year where he expresses his undying love for me - forever...when he was already 2 months in the affair.

Sorry that probably sounds depressing and bitter....just had to get it out.

On Mother's day I'm planning to do something nice for myself, not sure what yet

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

Really, I just can't wait to put it past me so I dont' have to dread it anymore.

TF,

Why dread it?

You are anticipating the misery.

THAT is what is making you sad.

It is still a day.

An important one in your life.

A day to be proud of and remembered because of all of the joy that it brought to your life�

Without it, you would not have those beautiful babies or a lot of the good times that you have had�

Regardless of whether that particular event is something you celebrate anymore, the day resulted in many special things for you�

Don�t let that be taken away from you just because you won�t celebrate the event right now�

You know you may never again, as hard as that is to admit sometimes�

Are you going to forever let that day, that DATE, be ruined for you?

Reminds me of September 11 actually�

I always try to honor those that suffered and remember the good that has come from it (although there are days that it is difficult) instead of letting the anniversary of it remind me of the sadness that was brought on this country. Because a lot of good did come from it�

cat you are obviously further down this journey then I'm. Thank you for that outlook. I will strive to see it that way

No expectations...good or bad...

You are a wonderful mother! Your children have ways of thanking you all the time-you've mentionned some of them on this board! Remember that and keep it up-it will be worth it!

Happy Mother's Day!

TF, I feel for you especially after just going through it last weekend.

One thing I did for myself was gather my children around me and I told them because of this day I was blessed with them. I chose to be thankful that I had H in my life for without him I would not have known the joys of them and for that I will be forever grateful.

It can still be a special day TF if you want it to be.

(((Hugs))) Hang in there, we're here for you.

TF,

Happy Birthday:)

Happy Mother's Day:)

Happy Anniversary...crazy huh? But it is still a nice day...

Make it a very special one.

((((hugs))))

TF, All the best to you on this day!

(((Hugs)))

TF

Hope your having a happy Mother's Day!

Thank you all for your wishes for a good day and for your support. I survived.:) I spent the day with my kids, hanging out, having fun. I truly am blessed. I had a day full of good things and some nice surprises. I had some moments of sadness and disappointment but I managed to power through and just enjoy it.

Last year on our anniversary I really thought by this time we would be headed definitively down one road or the other. I never would have thought things would still be in limbo. What a long and crazy ride we are on.

TF- glad that you had a nice day and "survived". I'm sure that the sadness is normal...had some of it today as well...Mother's Day ...no word from WH. Daughter said he is not acknowledging it because he thinks that it would make me upset...she may have a point.

Crazy ride indeed...Take care

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

Last year on our anniversary I really thought by this time we would be headed definitively down one road or the other. I never would have thought things would still be in limbo.

Thats why we can have no expectations!

But you will be happy with the road you are on, just keep moving down it!

I fell apart last night as well, lots of happy mothers day wishes but not from my husband......it hit me last night as I was journaling that he didn't call or text me and had to stop to pray and cry....after that felt better.
I think my daughter herself is in MLC she is 40 been married for 23 yrs.I suspected it a few months ago but I have confirmation she is in one. Prayed for that as well I dont want my grandchildren to go thru this ugly mess....already lots of dysfunctional things in that family.
But I know my daughter and this person she has become is not her....she used to hate my husband for what he has done but now she has that look in her eyes....I dont know what or why they get that look but it is real....she has a beautiful family 4 girls and a boy ......
I told her once she was in mlc and she was angry and said just cause your husband is in one doesnt mean everyone else is mother.
Another hostage taken please pray for my family.

TF,

Glad to hear you had a good day and you see the blessings in your life�

Always sending hugs and prayers your way, my friend�

Well, another week has passed by and things are still status quo as they have been for what feels like forever. H still seemes to be reconnecting with the kids and even a little bit with the house again - LOL. With me, still more of the same. He continues to surprise me with doing things for me that are thoughtful and kind but yet doesn't seem to be trying to connect. I am trying to stay detached as much as I can and keep my expectations down but it is difficult.

It is hard not to be hurt by still being very much shut out of his life and still having him not want to share much with me about work, etc. He does a bit, but not much. I have grown so weary of it. I just wonder when this part of the MLC ends - the secrecy and the shutting out. I really don't suspect an OW at this point but could still be wrong.

I am spending a lot of time on my knees these days asking for answers (see above), etc. The only thing I feel is that I am supposed to keep on with this journey for now.

TF - I feel your frustration...this is a painfully slow process. Treasure the moments that are positive. Main thing is that there is no OW, he has a real chance to come out of replay and reconnect....remember he is on his own time, you can't rush him.

(((hugs)))

(((Mila))) Thanks for the reminder. I will be honest, not knowing for sure about the existence/nonexistence of an OW does make me a little crazy. I am glad he has not flaunted it, but I wish I knew either way for sure so I could deal with it.

I have noted that the past few weeks while in some ways he does seem to have made some positive little steps in my direction, in other ways he definitely seems more withdrawn or something. It is really hard to explain. Trying to not think about it too much otherwise it is crazy-making.

TF

Hello, how are you? I can't remember if I have ever posted to you but I certainly do read all the MLC threads!

Re your H's one step forward and two ? backwards. Remember, it is hardly ever a straight line that they walk back. And zig zagging is so much fun, isn't it??

Kara

Hi, Kara

Well, zig zagging is certainly more . . . interesting, I suppose. I had to laugh, reminded me of the cartoons where someone is shooting a gun and the little cartoon character is running zig zag trying to get away from the bullets.

So who has the loaded gun?:)

It is really a water pistol

Painless but gets their attention?:)

I know that some people use water pistols to train their cats. It discourages the cat from developing destructive habits. I wonder if it would work on H's and ow's?

Well you pour water on dogs in heat.........it works

TF,

FWIW I believe your H is one of the rare ones that did not get involved with an ow. If he had you would have found evidence by now. You've known things were different for quite a while now and there is no way with your heightened awareness that he would have been able to 'hide' an ow for this length of time.

It sounds like he is making his way out of the tunnel and unfortunately LBS's are the last to be reconnected with. You are such an inspiration as your growth through your own journey is so visible.

Hugs to you as you dig a little deeper for more patience.

SA, Thanks so much for your kind words. Some days lately I don't feel like I am doing as well as I could/should be but am working on it.:) This journey is what we make it and I don't want to be one that becomes bitter and hardened.

I do too think he is making his way out. Slowly. There are just so many ways I see him being like his "old" self, even ways I haven't seen since well before the bomb. Just trying to be patient. Some of the things he has done for me are things I don't think he would if he didn't care at least at some level.

The OW thing, I wish I thought there really wasn't one but I do strongly suspect an EA. He was just too strange about his phone even in the couple months leading up to the bomb. I don't have access to the phone records so no proof. I think it was a long distance EA that he may never qualify as more than a friendship. But the phone thing is really my only "evidence." A couple of comments he made early on made me suspect who it is, too. Time may tell. Or may not.

TF, Do you believe he has let the 'friendship' go and is longer in contact?

SA- I am not sure. My gut tells me no more contact but I could be wrong. I think it is over and has been for months, but again just going on gut based on things I have observed.

You're doing great TF!

(((Hugs)))

I am feeling pretty good today. I like days like this.:)

You know, I was thinking again (maybe one of these days it will be drilled into my thick head:)) about how long it took my H to slide into the MLC. I am not sure when it started, but I noticed subtle and then not so subtle changes in him for months pre-bomb, probably well over a year. It only makes sense that the climb back out will take a long time. Who knows how long before that the thoughts started.

hello tf,
part of my process of getting to grips with this whole situation ahs been to draw a timeline of my husband's MLC - I have always kept a Journal and Diary - I got a roll of lining paper and drew it out. The result was amazing - it showed me that my husband has signs of MLC back in 2001 - this knowledge showed me that my husband is in deep and that means a long hard haul for me.

You are doing really well and you should be proud of yourslef

lalxx

Lalxx - For me it is hard to draw a timeline. I know my H had a QLC about 10 years ago and I think those issues he dealt with then never did go away and were always festering in the back of his mind. In fact, when I first realized something was really wrong with him this time he said he felt like things got "swept under the rug" back then. Hopefully he is dealing with them now.

But really between then and his MLC he for the most part seemed fine, our relationship was good, etc.

Wondering if anyone had opinions on this - would trying to get my H (emphasis on TRYING) to work on some kind of budget with me be too much of an "R talk" at this point? I am so tired of being the one to shoulder that burden alone, but don't know if it would be too pushy at this point.

I have only minimally been able to talk to him about money the past year and a half. It has gotten better and he has been cleaning up his financial messes, but I just don't know . . .

Do you trust him ?

Do his actions say he is capable of that ?

Didn't you just find information that he had been kinda reckless with money not too long ago?

That would be kinda like stopping at ( insert major chain hardware store) to get an extension cord so they can plug in the chair at your execution wouldn't it ?

I don't know that I trust him enough to give him any of the bill paying responsibilities or anything like that, I am just thinking along the lines of trying to get him to realize how much money we have coming in, how much going out, etc. Very basic.

TF,

I will say that while you are absolutely correct in not wanting to have to do this alone�

I think you are possibly setting yourself up�

If you want to talk to him, talk�

But do NOT expect him to remember�

While he is showing forward motion�

You feel like this is giving you an opportunity to place more in his lap that he may be ready for�

Be very very careful�

Just understand all of the possible outcomes and what you are doing before you make your choice�

This is I suppose part of the pushing too hard too soon. I am trying to think of a way to word things to kind of feel him out to see if he is willing to even talk about things (a few months ago when I mentioned it he basically just told me he didn't want to be accountable. Hmmm).

It is exhausting being the only one trying to juggle everything when both of us make the money and both of us spend it.

I don't know. I have been handing it this long. I suppose I need to longer. At least he is being more responsible.

Originally Posted By: TrustingFaith

I don't know. I have been handing it this long. I suppose I need to longer. At least he is being more responsible.

Note the positive. Baby steps. Baby steps.

You can do this.

At least I do feel now that if I needed to say something to reign him in a bit he may actually listen. What he does with it, who knows.

Still hoping that one day he will be working on this WITH me.

Hey TF,
It has been a while, I just went back a little to catch up on you. The baby steps are definitely happening and it sounds like they are happening often.

I think we get used to the positives steps so much, that we start to expect them and become disappointed when there is a set back or the steps are not happening as fast as we would like.

Hang in there, you are doing great.

MHL, you are right about the positive steps. When you see enough of them it is hard to not expect them and then when they don't happen . . . my H took a few days off from forward movement it seems but now maybe back on a bit.

I just realized something after a conversation I had with my H a few days ago. The man who for the past couple of years was planning on quitting his job, walking away, never looking back (I was apparently not the only source of his unhappiness) and was so ready to walk in to his boss's office and quit was telling me about plans in the future for work etc. He is thinking ahead and planning ahead rather than saying is walking away. It took a couple of days for it to hit me - I think that seems like a big MLC step forward.

TF - I see baby steps...that's a good thing...Try not to spook him by making demands.

You are doing great...sit tight

Wow - I have been posting on here for about a year now (but reading awhile before that). What a difference a year makes.

I am thinking baby steps might not be the best term. Turtle steps? Is there anything that moves slower than a turtle?

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

Is there anything that moves slower than a turtle?

Yes...a slug...

My banking deposit slips?

Trapt's boat?

Ahhhh....

The stroke of my pen, writing certain checks ; )

A drunk to a rehab clinic...

Just wanted to say I've been following for a while and I'm cheering from the sidelines.

So there are things that may actually move slower than MLC? Guess we can add glaciers to that list.:)

M&H - thanks for the cheers.:) Having support is invaluable.

I have a lot of threads to catch up on - work has been kicking my butt recently and I haven't been able to be on here much lately.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here, we might as well dance." ~ Author UnKnown

I like the quote TF

Hope you are having a nice weekend

Hi, Mila. Thanks for stopping by.:)

I am having some struggles some days and this weekend is no better unfortunately. I am still detached as much as I can be, still doing my own thing, still not putting any pressure on. But I see so, so much of my old H these days and he is doing so well with the kids, around so much, etc. that it is hard not to feel the pain of rejection all over again, something I had worked a lot through.

He still isn't making a whole lot of steps towards me it seems. He does seem pretty relaxed around me for the most part now, which is an improvement. I don't seem to have cooties anymore (i.e. he doesn't pull back if we accidentally brush by or something). We have had some conversations lately that lasted more than a couple of minutes and were about something other than a TV show or the kids.

I try to focus on each day and me and the kids still but I admit it is very hard. I have a lot to be thankful for, though.

TF,

You have done so well through all of this and you have grown so much.

That being said, I don�t need the answers to the questions I am about to as you although I am curious to hear them�

The answers are for you.

What if H is waking up�

What do you want to happen?

What if this is where he is stuck, being kind to you but nothing else, forever�

What do you want to do then?

What if H is NOT really waking up, and takes another dive back into the tunnel..

What will you do?

What if H is waking up but does not choose to return to the M�

What are YOU going to do TF?

What if the sky is blue and the grass is green but tomorrow you awake and everything is purple�

What are you gonna do?

I know these questions seem a little hard to know the answers to, but you are at a point where you have to know the answers to all of these.

To either continue this path or begin to make some changes. I know it is hard and painful to look at some if not all of these things, but if you don�t, you are going to remain right where you are, which for now is ok, but not somewhere you can stay for very long.

Take a step my friend, it�s time�

I'm not sure it is time to make a step yet. I get the questions and have thought about them. I have prayed and prayed. The only answer I get right now is a "wait." I have had too many little "miracles" happen to give up yet, things that I do not believe are coincidental.

I believe he is waking up. I have seen him act in ways he hasn't for a couple of years now. I believe he is starting to see the damage he has done.

For now, I think I need to sit tight, hard as it is.

TF,

The step may be �being still�.

As long as you know the answers to those questions. Or at least are trying to figure them out.

I would never say give up. That is our individual choice.

Just don�t get stuck sweetie. That was the point. I know you know the right path.

Originally Posted By: TrustingFaith

For now, I think I need to sit tight, hard as it is.

Remember this when you start to feel that impatience and frustration creeping in�

I guess that is my step for now, that being still.

It is odd because I seem to be being hit with so many, many really good memories of our marriage lately. I have no idea why that is but it makes me miss my H even more.

Originally Posted By: trustingfaith

It is odd because I seem to be being hit with so many, many really good memories of our marriage lately. I have no idea why that is but it makes me miss my H even more.

TF,
It is funny how different things will spark those memories. I am curious, when he does open up, has he admitted to remembering any of those shared good memories?

That was one of my baby steps that my W made a couple of months ago.

MHL - My H hasn't said anything about past memories being good at all. His opening up through the MLC has just been about how awful life is, etc. I don't know. I have no idea what is going on in his head these days - he doesn't share much about it. Then again, he never was a man of many words.

TF,
I can't remember if you said previously that you kept a journal or not, but there is always your old threads to read through and see how far you have come and the progress you have made.

I find myself looking back these days just to realize where I was almost a year ago. It helps during the times where there dosen't seem to be much progress. Hang in there, time and patience.

No, I have never kept any kind of a journal and part of the reason for that is because with my H living here, I was afraid he would find it. I started to sort of keep one on my computer but never got too far. I haven't yet been able to bring myself to read my earlier posts - I cringe at the though.:)

Come to think of it, the little bit of journaling I did was almost a year ago so maybe I should look for it . . .

You are right, though, if I look back over months rather than just days or weeks, there is a lot of progress both in me and just the way things are with my H and progress he has made as well.

It really does me good to watch the way he is showing he loves the kids a lot now and spends time with them again and does "dad" things again. I need to keep focused on stuff like that.

That is great that he is being a Dad again. It fits with the "stages" of reconnection, and of course you will be last.

My D13 is finally coming around and actually started texting my W last night.

TF,
Just checking in to see how your weekend was and how things are going.

TF Thank you for posting your post about "too many little miracles." I was feeling kind of down today and you reminded me that although I see absolutely nothing from H other than he's happy and moving on, I do have God on my side and I have seen him do a few little things to help me. You reminded me that He's working for me behind the scenes. Thank you.

Love to watch the reconnection... here's to hoping it sticks.

Just wanted to drop in here. I haven't been on much at all lately, just reading here and there. Life has kept me extremely busy and I also just needed to keep my head out of the game to keep it in the game, if that makes any sense.

M&H, yes I do believe that even if it doesn't seem like it, God is working behind the scenes. Those little miracles, assurances have gotten keep me going. I still couldn't say the direction this MLC will ultimately take my M, but I think things will be okay no matter what. Hang in there!

TF just stopping by to say hi. I'm happy that you are focusing on life.

You sound good

Hi Mila.:) I am doing well. Life is good.:)I hope to be able to catch up with everyone here soon!