I have decided to start a new thread. Hopefully everyone will post here, and let the old thread go to the archives.
The title is an airplane type thing ILS = Instrument Landing System. It is used when the weather is bad and you are trying to land the airplane. I am hoping that is where my sich is now.
I will try to keep the expectations low.
Based on the excellent post from HB I am thinking that my sich is on final approach. That doesn't mean after we land that everything ends. There is always another flight to take and new emergencies to deal with but hopefully I am closer to the end of this chapter.
Here are links to my first two threads.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1882334&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1912150&page=1
Don't you think you have the knowledge to experience "the change" and accept it rather than fight it and cause pain to you and those around you?
YES
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
For change there must be strength, for strength there must be growth,for growth there is always work to be done...never stop working.-LFW
Very good.
I may have to read this a few more times. Your description of your journey matches up with the 6 stages. I think my last question which only I can answer is. If I still have to go through my own 6 staqes, I know I have gone through some already. Or am I to repeat this whole process when my own hormones go more wacko.
You are correct that only you can answer that question. But, though I had plenty of knowledge, I still had to take the entire journey skipping nothing that I know of.
I did experience denial in the beginning when I went in..I think I was trying to go in before I left the board in what was supposed to be for good all those years ago...and I was fighting it to the hilt
I was accepting of what was happening after I realized I was there; I was fighting constantly not to lose control and to not do something stupid.
I'd actually hoped I could avoid the change..yet, that didn't happen, as this comes for everyone when it's their time; so I went through..as that is the the only way...and it left it's mark, and made it's change within me.
The only other thing I can remember with any clarity was watching myself, and being terrified at odd times that I wouldn't get through this...I just did NOT want to be in this place, not at all.
Last, but not least, I was posting from memory..but TIME I cannot remember well at all....and after it took me 5 or 6 years to come through; after it was said and done, and I was finished; I went back to read the posts I'd written about the six stages...I have a backup copy that's located on a disk at home....and laughed at the time lines in the six stages I'd written...they did NOT apply to
me, either. LOL!!
That was why I said what I did when I posted in the beginning of coming back here about the times weren't accurate.
And if people are going to pick at details..they'll grab the smallest ones....LOL!!! I'd known that might happen if I ever came back....:D
My life and marriage continued; and still continues even now...and in time, the board left my mind and memory for quite a while...it is as it was supposed to and bound to, I'd moved on..and eventually, the majority of you will, too.
Some will stay as mentors, some will continue to need help as they may still have troubles either getting it or still handling their spouses.
(No, this is NOT a goodbye message, OP in case you might take it as that...I will be here for a time, no instructions to leave again, I'm just thinking me thoughts.)
But, to go on with what I'm saying..the old is shed and the new comes in..and life goes on.
Some random thoughts about me.....
Maybe I've got some unfinished business and need a little help, I'm not exactly sure..and maybe someone needs help from me still yet. I always knew, though that when I helped another, I would always get what I needed; as the Lord has always provided what I needed in the way of everything.
But, you gotta admit it's a little strange...I began posting here again under instruction I couldn't ignore anymore, my husband breaks his ankle...and another journey has seemed to be in the making with him long before he got hurt. I know I still haven't posted any story of any sort, but I don't think I need to at the moment; he, quite honestly, while in a crisis of a sort, is NOT in this place again, nor has he run back into the tunnel that has been closed to him for a long time. Something else is going on with him...and it seriously has nothing to do with another or even the same MLC..I'm getting that it's a different kind of crisis, that's emotionally based. I'm still thinking, praying, and gathering a few answers here and there.
These are my thoughts based on what I've read; and listened to people talk about.
I'm not really trying to analyze him, or figure out some way to 'fix' him....I'm long past that place. I know to let go, and let God do His work within my husband once again. The questions I ask are more for my own understanding and patience.
All I know is I will see what happens in time.
MLC was never a "one size fits all situations"; and I'm well aware of that.
I'm learning there are many different types of crisis a person can experience; most emotionally based..and it's the same formula, leave them alone, they'll figure it out, let go...etc; somewhat of the same tools...the only thing different is that you CAN force a crisis of this sort to a head whenever you are ready. And while I know this; I think I will continue to watch for a time....that broken ankle may do what I can't do. LOL!!
Sometimes it takes a bringing down to make you think about things...and it's early days yet for him.
God works in mysterious ways that's for sure...the total purpose has yet to be seen. And I'm not arguing with that.
I will watch him as we go; is all I will do at the moment..or as much as I can while I'm busting my hind end to cover what he can't.
But I WILL make it through..this I know.
Sorry, I wasn't trying to hijack your thread, OP.
You are more than welcome to hijack my thread any time you wish. It is my pleasure.
I'll try one more question. This one is open to anyone on this entire board.
I think that the difference between a WAS and a MLC is the childhood issues, but the hormonal issues are the same for both. Anyone care to share their thought on this?
Based on the excellent post from HB I am thinking that my sich is on final approach. That doesn't mean after we land that everything ends. There is always another flight to take and new emergencies to deal with but hopefully I am closer to the end of this chapter.
I will caution you that no two people are alike..but you know that as you seem to be a very level-headed fellow, and worked through this for quite awhile. I am still struggling to remember my time frames, yet, while they might help; no one comes through EXACTLY the same way or within the same time frame.
I need to go back further and read even more on you and your situation. I think I got busy answering questions, which questions are always good, that's helped to literally drag my journey out of me, that I hadn't remembered well at all; old memories are and were coming back, and I knew that might be a good thing that would help. Don't worry that these memories will reawaken the pain behind them...that was healed within me long ago.
I'm always thinking as I put each post up, and it takes me awhile to get these finished before I submit each one.
I draw on a good many things, including my memories, and I'm always praying that what I say will benefit the person it's directed to.
I've also been reading several people's situations including yours..and am not finished yet with the reading...it's like catching up on a book you got behind on.
Later, Sir...gotta hit the road for the day.
I am repeating this here because I thought it was so good and I may need to re read it a few times myself. This is from HB on my last thread.
Hi Cyrena...glad you chimed in on this; I always hoped I wasn't the ONLY one who saw my husband suffer hot flashes and have the night sweats...believe it or not, it was TWO weeks before I actually figured out he was experiencing exactly the SAME thing a woman experiences in menopause..and it further cemented my discovery that he was going through the dreaded Change of Life.
OP, from a sort of scientific point of view..men and women are supposed to become "balanced" during the change..men will somehow end up with more estrogen and women with more testosterone...it creates some sort of balance. That, in itself would also explain, the declining sex drive of man and the peak of a woman as they get older..it's like the opposite occurs..when young, the man is faster, the woman is slower..the opposite occurs as they age. The woman is faster, the man, slower.
Emotional changes also occur that are supposed to teach each how the other half lives..is the only way I can phrase that.
Women must experience the emotions of men, whereas men must experience the emotions of women...and it all balances out.
One of the things I have discovered, is, at times I think more like a man does on some things..whereas my husband at other times thinks like a woman. smile
It's amazing how this is supposed to work..but it does.
When you quit laughing..read what comes next, LOL!!
Quote:
Certainly all women/men go through a decline of hormones and they all don't have a MLC. However for those that do how does this event relate?
I think the ones who are already emotionally balanced and mature, they are the ones who "breeze" through..they are also the ones who are open minded, and willing to learn and grow.
I've met a few in my life..but only a few. Some people are just equipped to deal, I think...and my hat is off to those who accept what happens to them as it happens. smile
I hope this will answer your question:
Have you ever heard someone say that when a woman goes through the change, she literally goes 'crazy'? I had heard that many times in my life. Somehow the hormones are linked to the chemistry in the brain, but how, I don't know.
When I went through The Change, and my hormones dipped and swayed, I experienced confusion, mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats, depression...and the whole host of symptoms associated with going through the Mid Life Transition.
I was not a very nice person when having episodes; I also cried alot from depression....and just wanted to be left alone.
I was trucking during that time, and I got lost more times during a one-year period, than I ever did in my whole life.
The hormones ARE linked to your moods, and feelings of well being; all this somehow does link to the brain; if hormones are unbalanced it will unbalance YOU; causing erratic behavior, the mood swings I spoke of..it has the look of mental illness but it's not.
Quote:
When their hormones levels out does the crisis end or subside?
Yes, it should, unless a mistake is made while going through...like a betrayal of any sort that provokes guilt.
I had made NO such mistakes, but as my hormones came back to normal, I knew within myself that I was different..it was a peaceful feeling.
I don't know if this will help, but I will post what I remember.
When I went into the tunnel...I was restless, had been having small episodes of hot flashes, mood swings..gradually it escalated.
By July I was full blown into it...and I had a very rough year.
I felt lost, disoriented,(never mind the times I read directions wrong, and got even MORE lost, LOL), wanted to be left alone, every time my cell phone rang it seemed to be my husband....and I wanted him to LEAVE ME ALONE!! I also wanted everyone else to leave me alone...yet, I wanted someone to talk to me, to tell me this would pass.
I was carrying vague memories of what my husband had done..and those blew up into something bigger than they were supposed to be.
I was literally consumed with hate for him...and for a long time after it was all said and done, I was ashamed of that, and had to forgive myself, though I never really acted on the feelings I was having.
I simply bit his head off every time I talked to him....and it scared him badly, no kidding. It always has seemed that it was ok for him to fall apart, but if I did; that terrified him to no end...and so he did what I did NOT want him to.....pester the crap out of me.
An emotional distance sprang up between us, one of MY making, not his, and it drove him crazy....at times my mind would be clear, and I would explain each time that I was going through the change..and needed to be left alone so I could get through....he would say he was hurt because I was snapping at him continuously, I'd respond that he wasn't the only one who was getting snapped at and he never really left me alone..but there were times I managed to get clear of him by NOT answering the phone.
I'd think about running away from him, and something would tell me I didn't want to do that..when I would ask why, I was told I'd understand later. I remembered that when my head cleared for good.
I felt like I was "burning up" I cried every time I laid down..and when I woke up I'd be soaked from head to toe...hot flash/night sweat.
There also came a time within that year when all of a sudden...I could actually see all the men I couldn't see before...and I was tempted to connect with one of them, but battled that temptation; I remembered what I'd suffered, and knew with some clarity that this was what I DIDN'T want to do. The pull was VERY strong. I mean, you see people all the time, but you don't see them. I'd always worn self-made blinders all of my married life and never really paid attention until all of a sudden. That challenge lasted around 3 months..then passed on to something else.
To help combat the physical symptoms I went to the GNC and got a natural herb of sorts that took the edge off so I could cope better.
I remembered mostly what I'd written, and what people had told me when it was my husband..and so, I did have most of the tools..but it was SO hard to remember what I was supposed to do for all the run away thoughts and such that comes with this.
And I prayed constantly for this to go away....after the physical symptoms, came the emotional battle; and I fought it...being forced to look at life from the beginning of what I could remember as a child; it was like I'd lived it the day before; it was THAT clear to me. I worked from there to my married life in stages.
I had an abusive childhood; and each event of abuse was looked at, resolved and worked through..peace was made, and then the next event was brought up. And so it went..right on into adulthood, marriage, having borne one child. My marriage was not perfect..but no marriage ever is; yet there were issues in it and another look at the emotional troubles that had shaped our marriage on both sides..but mine stood out MORE than his did.
I also remember a time when all I could see was where I'd failed...my son, who is 23 now, was an instrumental force in helping me past the Depression..and some of the Withdrawal stages.
I still remember that for everything negative I said, our son had a positive thing to say...and patiently he kept talking to me.
He pointed out all the good I'd done in my life, all the lives I'd touched, the strength that he saw in me, the beauty that he saw, that I didn't see....but most of all; he supported and loved me.
I don't know how he knew how to handle me..but he had watched me handle his dad throughout...yet, I didn't have a problem with son helping me talk this out to see a different perspective...and the good..so, I was receptive to what he had to say...and we talked many times over the next two years.
I hate to say this..but during that time if my husband had fallen off the face of the earth, I wouldn't have cared...at least until I'd awakened...and I did..attaining some peace.
I continued to process along steadily; trying to get out of this as fast as I could..but the process doesn't allow for a speedy journey.
My inside life was pretty busy, several children did show in me..I don't know how many...but I know each child had their time in the sun, as was reintegrated within; that also took time.
Then things were peaceful, after I forgave not only everyone who'd ever done anything to me....yet, my husband was last in line; and I do NOT know why that was. I did reconnect with him, speaking of some of what I experienced, but not all.
I had NOT done anything wrong..but some of the feelings I had regarding him were NEVER spoken of to him....I would have hurt him beyond belief, so I kept my silence on that...but there are NO guilt feelings in me for what I felt.
I simply talked about what I could talk about, and left some things alone; knowing that I was done and finished with this..THANK GOD! laugh
Little did I know..there would be one more episode of this...
When I thought it was all over, I experienced a final "rumbling"..and things moved in rapid motion over a period of around three months. I think I went over my journey to see if anything had been missed...I'm not sure.
When that finished I was done, and knew it for certain....feeling like I'd been seared or something burned out of me...changed..yet, renewed.
Everything went back to normal within my body...hormones finished re-balancing, any rashes I'd developed during that time healed, and my skin even seemed to renew itself.
The only sign that got left on me, was my crow's feet around my eyes had deepened, and that was it.
I didn't throw a tantrum that I remember; and I didn't do some of the things that other people did. I don't doubt I would have been capable of doing wrong...but you STILL, even though you're in the thoes of this monumental change...have a CHOICE you can exercise.
It is possible to override a pull to do something you know within your heart and mind that would be detrimental to your moral character...you can damage yourself emotionally when you do something out of character...yet, if your morals/character are strong enough..you can overcome temptation.
It takes strength and lots of it... to withstand the changes that can overtake you like a whirlwind.
More questions? smile
If anyone else would like to comment feel free. I know there has to be some opposing views from somewhere.
OP,
Part of the problem w/yesterday's world is that people didn't discuss what men experienced during the life transitions. The topics were always about the women, the red sports car, etc., not what really transpired doing that time. Yet, it was always the topic about women and how they reacted during their "special" time of the month and then, of course, during the major change. Times have changed and because the baby boomers are all starting to blossom into the major change and so many are experiencing MLCs, it was bound to draw attention more so now than ever before. The world of communication has opened up and topics that were hush hush are now openly discussed on TV, radio, internet, newspaper and in general conversation. The times have changed dramatically from the 30's - 70's.
There has always been plenty of reading matierals on the change for women, but reading materials on men have been few and far between. However, there are two excellent books out there for women and men to read on the male menopause. I'm listing them here for anyone interested in reading them. They are both excellent and are also listed on the Highly Recommended Reading Materials thread in the MLC Resources.
Surviving Male Menopause, A Guide For Women and Men by Jed Diamond
Male Menopause by Jed Diamond
BTW, it is true that as both male and female go through the "change" they will get in touch w/the opposite selves, i.e., men will touch on their female side and women will touch on their male side. One other note...you can go through the menopause and still have an MLC as well.
One other note...you can go through the menopause and still have an MLC as well.
Could you explain that further?
Does that mean you can have a MLC after menopause/andropause? or are you saying during?
OP,
Depending upon the individual, some can have both at the same time and others may start in the menopause/andropause and then follow suit into a MLC or have a MLC and then go into menopause/andropause. That's why it's difficult at times to determine what an individual is experiencing and when. I would suggest reading Jed Diamond's books.
Also, one spouse may have a MLC and then create such an environment that the spouse will then have one at the same time or one spouse has completed the MLC and then the other spouse went into one.
P.S. Hormones can play a part in MLC, but there are other chemicals in the brain that will assist in setting up MLC as well.
I will read both books. Thanks.
There were a number of discussions about this years ago when these books were just coming out on the market. MGOBlue comes to mind as being one of the many "males" that had discussions w/the rest of us old timers.
OP,
Snodderly is absolutely on the money. There IS a growing time that happens at Midlife...and it can run either run separately from the Hormonal change or run in tandem with it...but both have to be navigated, regardless of how they happen.
Apparently, from re-reading my latest post, my journey was navigated separately in stages; as I spoke of the physical changes, then the emotional battle fought.
And I totally had forgotten about the fact that when I was a young woman, I was never told about having to face any of this.
I guess no one felt it was important enough to discuss...either that or all of men were in denial about it. LOL!!
Again, my memories are faulty at times..and it is how it should be..and I will most likely not remember everything unless I'm jarred in some way, or asked questions that awaken memories that have been gone a long time.
Ask away..I promise not to hit you with a 2x4; questions are good; the only dumb question is the one you didn't ask.
On to the business at hand here in the life that's in my face at the moment:
It's a nasty day out here in Nebraska...somewhat of a heavy snow is falling, and I'm having to make a decision as to whether or not I will pull out and see how far I get....most likely I will, if only to get out of what's going on here..and over into Wyoming. I will deliver in Utah on Monday if nothing else happens.
It's different driving an 18 wheeler..and after 7 years; it's easier to navigate snow in that than with a car...as long as I take it slow and easy. I've got on a heavy load, and that helps to stick me to the roadway. Ice is another story..NOTHING helps in that.
Do not worry, I will stay safe, and if it gets bad, I will pull off and wait it out.
That's the biggest reason for my "appearing and disappearing acts" and the inability to keep up...I travel for a living.
Just keep me in your prayers today and for the next week..as I get ready to roll forth out into the snow for another day of trucking.
Certainly the most important thing is to drive safely today.
My GAL activity today is spending the day with my W, no one else in the house. We are cleaning the basement after the reconstruction. It is beautiful. My W is putting away all the boxes that we cleaned out from her teaching job. The van is empty again. Later today we will do some other things together, maybe watch the olympics. Very peaceful. Told her my hands were cold(while emptying the van from outside) and touched her to warm them up, she laughed and smiled! Trying to keep my expectations low. But we have for the moment changed the envioronment completely.
On Tuesday she is flying to FL to visit her parents for 1 week. Her dad was in the hospital last week but is home now.
One question for anyone that knows how to do this. Is their a way to search the archives for a particular poster if that poster no longer posts here?
OP, you can search under a poster's name in the "search" tab at the top of the page but you have to know a rough time frame as you can only search six month periods. Or if you are reading the archives you can click on a poster's name to the left and select "view posts." Those are the only ways I have figured out and it can be very laborious.
Hi OP
I haven't posted to you before but was browsing through your thread. Here are the posts from
M Go Blue . Hope this helps.
Thanks, I still don't get how to find that without knowing a time period but that works for me.
I don't think there is a way that I can see other than a bit of investigating. I just came across that poster a while ago by reading back stories. He wrote some good stuff.
Paul (M Go Blue) went through his own little crisis and then his former wife went through hers. He was and is still an excellent writer. He has quite a number of postings on this Board.
OP,
If you will tell me if there is a specific subject that you want to view of Paul's, I'll try to locate it.
Thanks for the offer but I will read thru his posts to see what I can find as you suggested.
OP
I just read your threads. Wow! You have handled your responses to your W's reactions very "thoughtfully" and it appears that there are positive movements in your direction. You have been enormously helpful to me and I thank you for all of your valuable input (I just need to follow them without falling "off of the wagon"). That goes for anyone who has ever given me advice.
Anyway, I wanted you to know that I will continue to pull for you and your W.
Wow OP I just read through your entire sitch and now my head hurts.
Glad you are in a better situation than me. I see many similarities but since my XW refuses to see MD etc I have no clue if it could be depression.
Ill put your thread on my Watch List for sure.
Cant thank you enough for helping me in my own thread. Im still a newb and need the occasional 2x4.
I would like to comment on the night sweats. I had those for about a month and they started right after she dropped the bomb. Thought there was something wrong with me.
Turns out I did some research here and understood that there is in fact a chemical process that takes place in your body. So it's odd that the LBS is affected by the WAW / MLC Spouses own physical and mental changes.
No its not weird at all. That happens all the time and your spouses MLC can turn trigger your own MLC
Hi OP
Just got done reading your first thread and working on the 2nd.
I just want to say that I appreciate your wisdom and 2x4's. Thankyou!
OP,
It looks like things are doing well for you at this time.
You remind me of me..always searching for answers, and asking many questions to get those answers.
Your wife will have time to do more thinking while she's away from you..the separations do help to bring them along.
Hopefully, when she comes back, you will see evidence she's come forward in her journey a little more...always hope for alot more, but take what you can get...this is her journey after all.
It seems like when the couple is together, things kinda get put on hold unless one or the other backs away to give or get space.
At the time my husband and I were going through MLC, I worked a day job, and he was(and still is) a trucker..gone throughout the week, home on the weekends.
I saw more changes when we had those separations from each other, though he stayed in touch with me.
Sounds like this trip she's taking may be a good thing, even though she's going down to check on her dad. And I hope her dad is all right.
This will also give you some much needed time to process yourself as well.
I hate to ask this..but what does "GAL" stand for? I don't recall seeing that acronym when I was here before.
Hit ME with a two by four if I'm being dumb..but I can't figure out what it means, LOL!!
Husband is holding his own..still in a great deal of pain, still having some trouble trying to lift himself into his wheelchair...so son has taken another day off work to help him again. He said he didn't want to hold son up..but I think son won't leave him until he's comfortable that his dad can handle his own.
In other news,
Well I made it to the other side of WY last night..getting ready to head over into UT to deliver today, then pick up another load so I can come back through all the crappy weather, LOL!! It's beautiful with all the snow lying around, but it's also 2 degrees over here, and dang cold!!
You are right, the most important thing is to drive safely; can't afford to have something happen to me, too.
Have a great day, OP!
I hate to ask this..but what does "GAL" stand for? I don't recall seeing that acronym when I was here before.
Never any 2x4's for you HB! GAL = Get a Life! Do something for you. Watch a movie, etc, etc.
I hope the roads are ok now. Keep your mind on the driving!
Hi OP,
I will let you about the roads when I hop back on later on..thanks for the answer...I always kept the habit of spelling out most everything I wrote down...that's why the acronym threw me that time. LOL!!
And don't worry, I will keep my mind on driving..I always do.
Too much at stake for me to get inattentive, someone could get killed..and it wouldn't be me. That'd be something I'd have to live with the rest of my life...and I don't plan on that, so I'm constantly watching everyone else.
I didn't think about this..but I drive an 18 wheeler..some people have thought, because of my size(I'm 5'3" and weigh 140 lbs) I drive one of those shorter trucks, but I don't.
I don't think that much about it anymore..it's my job; and I just handle the truck and get'er done.
I was laughing one day last week at one of my posts in the archives, I was training as a trucker before I left the forum, and people were cheering me on...I was having SO much trouble backing the trailer in the spot it was supposed to go in...and thought I'd never get it.
Seven years, two driving awards, and I was a driver trainer later...I don't know that lady anymore; LOL!!
And no, I do NOT dip snuff, nor curse blue streaks, LOLOLOLOLOL!! The latter is a foreign language to me. LOL!!
(didn't you know truckdrivers are supposed to do that? LOL!)
Actually, for the most part, I'm a cheerful person, making the most of every day, even being out here. There's always something good to find, even when the bad seems to be falling in on me.
Always a smile, and a positive mental attitude.
Later, my friend.
In the age of texting, Im'ing e-mail, I guess there are lots of acronyms. At the top of the page in newcomers is a list of them. If that is of any help.
In the Air Force we always had our own language of acronyms. I remeber my parents couldn't understand a word I said.
All letters. LOL.
Now I can't understand what my kids say so the tables have been turned.
Your wife will have time to do more thinking while she's away from you..the separations do help to bring them along.
That's encouraging HB.
OP, I have read parts of your sitch. I really admire you for "holding the space" in your M. It's funny all the ways that one can show love.
off topic randomness - thanks OP for your support.
off topic randomness - thanks OP for your support. smile
No problem KS Chick.
Took my W to the airport early this morning, she is off to FL for a week. So it will be just me and D23 in house until weekend when S22 comes home from college. Pick W up from airport next Tuesday night late!
Hoping for some news today on my Dad he still has not gotten the results from his petscan(and the doctor) from 12 FEB. Need the results to get him on some meds.
We didn't get almost any snow here. Kind of surprising.
Hello OP,
Well roads were decent, then I broke my main belt just when I got to the top of Parley's Summit yesterday...spent time with that repair..delivered, reloaded..spent the night; now getting ready to get the heck out of Dodge today.
Weather looks good, and I'm hoping the roads are decent again.
So, your wife is safely off to FL, you're on your own as a bachelor of sorts with your daughter for company.
Don't forget this is a good separation, not a bad one.
I'm hoping to see a good change when your wife comes back and a few steps forward.
I'd read about your Dad, OP..I am sorry for what you're having to deal with there. Seems when you can't take anymore something else happens, but the Lord never puts anymore on us than we can bear at any given time..He knows our strength better than we do.
Hang in there, Sir; this too shall pass.
That's the thought I have from time to time; especially when I'm thinking "Lord, why me?"
Later, my friend.
I here the snow is only starting for you guys....maybe tonight would be a good evening for a togo party with the boys?
OP, I posted an answer to your question on Upside's thread..I don't "look" and see where people are in the tunnel very often anymore; and drew a blank at first.
But your question was an earnest one, you're a VERY unselfish man in that you will ask questions for others, but not for yourself.
So, I asked the Lord where the man was at in this..and what I posted was the answer He gave...then I began to get things on Upside, too.
I generally read people like books; it's the empathic ability in me; and you would be surprised at the emotions that come off people's very words.
I'm a little off-kilter at the moment; and I've decided to stick around here until in the morning..no hurry to get where I'm going right now, anyway.
I cried on the phone with my husband a little earlier...this is something he doesn't do and that's cry.
He said he was not hurting like he was yesterday, but it's hitting him all of a sudden.
Son took off this whole week, wanting to make sure his dad was going to be able to get around before he heads back to work, not having to worry.
My husband said that he didn't like being an invalid..and I told him I understood how he felt..but he would make it through; asking if he'd gotten an appointment with his Doctor yet to change his cast...he's supposed to do this with this first two weeks.
I spoke of being helpless out here, and wearing the shoes he'd worn when he couldn't be there for me...and I'm in that same boat.
I mistakenly thought he'd started hurting again; his voice had gotten so thick, so I was going to let him go to try and get comfortable, then I caught an "emotional" overtone in his voice and realized something deeper was wrong.
I asked if he was all right, then he started crying, and said he wished I was at home; and could stay there to take care of him. As strong as I am...I started crying, too; telling him I wished I was there, also.
It's upset me for today...what frustrates me is the fact that although I can read so many people and help them...this does NOT work with him or our son.
It's something about family that the connections are too close, something..anyway, it's not meant to be.
When he was deep in the tunnel, I could read him like a well-loved book..when the fog wasn't covering it all up...but when our connection came back together completely, the ability to read his emotional weather left me because of that connection; I couldn't have it ALL......
Anyway, I'm just rambling..hijacked your thread... Go ahead, hit me with a 2x4, put me in the corner, beat me with a stick, make me wear a Dunce Cap...I don't care, LOL!!
Thanks for listening.
No 2x4's feel free to vent here unless MWD says you can't. LOL.
I understand about trying to read where someone is in the tunnel, especially if he is still in withdrawl. Which I interpreted completely wrong by the way. It does help to get your perspective on someone just really for my own knowledge. I see what the other stages look like just by reading mostly everyone on this board. The end stages seem a little more difficult, and of course in withdrawl there is no guarantee that he couldn't repeat the entire trip.
I hope your H is on his way to recovery and not in too much pain, or at least the pain killers will eventually kick in.
Drive safe!
I hope your H is on his way to recovery and not in too much pain, or at least the pain killers will eventually kick in.
It's been a week, and nothing he's tried has worked; and it has worried me deeply. The pain killers they gave him, I think, are too weak.
He said he was waiting on some ppwk to come in so he can make an appointment with an orthedpedic doctor to change his cast.
Thanks again for listening..things will be all right, eventually, this I know.
I understand about trying to read where someone is in the tunnel, especially if he is still in withdrawl. Which I interpreted completely wrong by the way. It does help to get your perspective on someone just really for my own knowledge. I see what the other stages look like just by reading mostly everyone on this board. The end stages seem a little more difficult, and of course in withdrawl there is no guarantee that he couldn't repeat the entire trip.
As in life, there are never any guarantees; only hope. And there is hope as long as you love someone.
Have a good one.
OP-
Withdrawal-You will know it when it happens. Trust me on that. She will not want to have interactions with anyone...will complain about not wanting to be anywhere....and I mean anywhere! Don't focus on it......but be prepared for non-stop talking soon, and I mean non-stop. About stuff like butterflies, politics, and how all the carpets need to be brushed. Weird crap, but better she will be talking with you than somebody else.
but be prepared for non-stop talking soon, and I mean non-stop. About stuff like butterflies, politics, and how all the carpets need to be brushed.
That sounds like my "normal" W
first off, Im praying for your dad OP!!
this thread is one of the BEST i have read through! very informative and written plainly so that even someone like myself...stubborn...can get it!
op, u know my sitch...heres a question for you. why am i having such a hard time not asking h any questions? i catch myself...too late!
it is so frustrating...literally EVERDAY i say i can do this, it could help to make our sitch easier, better...and then bam i do it again!
im so angry at myself right now for this i could...and did scream...
why am i having such a hard time not asking h any questions?
I guess you haven't learned your "lessons" yet. It is somewhat of a control issue.
At least you know that what you are doing is wrong. Now you just have to change the action, not the words.
I don't mean to hijack but have a questions LFW and OP-
When H was here last, he did that non-stop talking thing about this and that, random stuff. Of course, the whole time he was talking, I was thinking how can you be acting/talking to me like this after you sent me divorce papers so just answered with short replies and was maybe even came across disinterested. Was he maybe just nervous? He is not always that talkative.
IF he does this again the next time I see him, do I act interested in what he is saying? I have read that you should act interested, listen, but not offer any advice etc. but is this the same with MLC?
Lost-Because your are new at this and that is what newbies do (realize old means 1+ years on this board). Keep working at it...soon it will be once a week, then once a month...and eventually you will just stop and listen. remember...knowing the problem is the first step towards fixing it.
OP-So maybe withdrawal it is....tough time for them. Very easy for influences to affect their actions and return them to the fog. Just listen to the butterfly stuff and validate. Bewarned though....keep the glaze from covering your eyes....it happens...lol.
Sounds like you are in for some serious snow the rest of the week?
CF
I answered this on your thread.
LFW
My W may be in withdrawl. When I said "normal" I meant that the talkative one is who I have been married to for 26 years. Not right now. I am not sure where my W is and for the moment I am not going to worry about it. All I know is I am not remarried yet BUT I am also not divorced. So I will take it as it comes with no expectations. I am surprised this morning that I got a one word text message from her.
I was wondering whether we would be NC while she was away. So I will just keep up my mirroring dance and watch the show!
Also the withdrawl that I was talking about with HB was in reference to Upside's H.
Snow yes! So far not too bad.
Hi OP!
Thanks for putting that post for me on FM's thread--I thought I'd answer at your place! I read the thread from KJensen you referenced. To me, it looked as though she assumed her H was farther along in his journey than was actually the case--he never actually left Replay. That's what HB seems to be saying, too, that things will only change when he actually has his "Awakening" (which comes near the end of Replay).
Really, as long as they're still on their journey, I think it's impossible to know whether they've actually progressed to a new stage, or are merely exhibiting new behaviours. I never did figure out exactly when my H hit any stage after his Awakening, though I suppose if I looked back at my journal it would be clear--except I'm not going back there again!
From seeing you around this place, I think you're a very kind, helpful, motivated man, and I hope you and your W make it through this to a renewed and fulfilling M.
Thanks Cyrena, very kind words.
Just an update on my DAD, thanks everyone for your thoughts and prayers. His petscan is still not complete. The guy that was supposed to read it went on vacation. Then it still has to get to the doctor to prescribe the meds. So it looks like we won't know anything now till next week. Unfortunately he keeps sliding down hill during all this time.
MY well wishes to your father OP-
You are extremely on point as always...They are kinda like a train...You can hear it coming, but you can't see it...so the best bet is to stay off the tracks until it stops!
OP, wishing you strength as you watch your father go through this...
OP. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I am so sorry to hear about your father's situation. Isn't there anyone else that can read them for you? I pray that everything works out and he is not suffering too much while waiting for the man to return to read them.
OP, I am truly sorry to hear about your Dad.
Hopefully, you will get some answers on that very soon.
I hope all is well, otherwise.
I think I saw you'd gotten a one word text message from your wife; methinks she misses you already.
They never do what you think they will do and sometimes the surprises are pleasant ones.
Have a great evening, OP.
Spent the evening at my fathers house last night, I am going again tonight to shovel. Thanks everyone for your prayers and well wishes. He needs its!
I got a phone call today from my W. I don't know if it counts because I sent her a text message to call me, but she did and we had a pleasant conversation for about 20 mins. No R talk about us however S22 is finishing his finals this week at college and his girl friend broke up with him yesterday. So W and I both thought the same thing, why couldn't she wait until the weekend when he would be done with finals. It seems that he told my W that girlfriend said that there was no "spark" between them. S22 was upset and also mentioned that girlfriend was crying the whole time. W wrote on his FB page "learn to enjoy your relationships when you have them. Learn from them and mourn them for a time. A new one will appear. I feel for you."
Snow continues to fall here in NY, I guess we have to catch up with the rest of the country since this looks like it will be our first MAJOR snowfall of the year.
I know that you know this already, but take it slow on the shoveling. YOu do not need to end up in the hospital. I'm glad to see that you are going over there and checking on him. He needs to know that you are there, even if it is for a a couple of hours.
How is he holding up today?
He just called me. Wants me to go home, his Wife shoveled already. So I agreed. Maybe tomorrow. He is holding up but this disease is very weird. He can drift off into space. He is someone that had a very strong mind but it is not all their right now. I can only hope that with some meds he can start to function a little bit and be able to shall I say GAL. or maybe (have)HAL.
I hope he gets his meds very soon. Do check on him again this evening, if you have the time.
Be careful out there!
I hope he has a life as far as a quality of life he can enjoy (as opposed to endure).
Take care of yourself.
HUGS
Thinking of you and your Dad OP!
Do check on him again this evening, if you have the time.
I made it home past all the snow. I called by DAD and spoke to his wife. All is status quo with them.
D23 called and said that she is going to sleep at Target tonight. I said do you have any clothes and she said;. I have a whole store full of clothes I'll just buy more. LOL.
So anyone else dealing with this snow tonight and tomorrow please be safe.
OP, praying for your Dad.
No snow here. It passed us this time.
Thinking of you and your family OP...
Well yesterday was not a great day, but maybe it was ok. Took me 2-1/2 hours to get out of my driveway since I hadn't been plowed. Had spent Thursday night at home with no electricity, heat, water, internet, phone.... etc. 50 % of the people in my county are in the same predicament.
Got to my store and got a phone call from FL. My Bipolar mother(who has been off of her meds for two months now) had not showed up for her dialysis. Did I know where she was? Spent 2 hours trying to track her down, she finally showed up and I had her apartment manager suggest that she should go for her treatment. Spent the rest of the day fighting the snow here at the store. Finally made it homee at the end of the day and driveway had been plowed and electricity was back on. Got to take a shower. Thank goodness.
It seems I wasn't the only one having a bad day. One of my employee's said his road looked like an atomic bomb hit it. Every other tree in the county had fallen and had taken with it electrical wires or broken glass in cars. So since I am in the glass business it seems that we will be super busy for the next week or so dealing with broken glass from the storm.
My S22 called to let me know that he had finished his finals at school and that he had been accepted to Dartmouth for a PHD program in CS/MATH. His girl friend may have reconsidered her breaking up with him and that I should pick him up from the train on Saturday night at 8PM. He was very excited!
D23 made it home from her overnight stay at Target(her employer).She had slept on lawn furniture. She invited another girlfriend over for a sleepover since her friend had no electricity or heat. They were happy to be able to take showers, eat and be warm.
The other good thing that happened was since I had no electricity on Thursday night I read another MWD book "The Sex Starved Wife".(by flashlight) Not a bad book even if it is not exactly my sich. It was informative and many things can be turned around male/female. It basically uses a lot of DB/DR methods, goes into MLC, mentions "The Five Love Languages" and some websites that I will check out.
So I am hoping the rest of the weekend I can stay warm and no more trees fall on my electricity.
OP,
I knew there was a reason I live in CA.
Glad you got your power back.
Congratulations to your son! Dartmouth, how exciting!
You've really got alot going on. Remember to eat and rest well.
HUGS
Wow, sounds like the weather is really throwing things for a loop in your world. Hope things settle down soon. How worrisome about your mother.
Oh, OP, bless your heart; you've having a hard time of it.
I know, it seems like it's one thing after another, but somehow, you'll make it through, and keep walking; as this, too, shall pass in time.
One heck of a bad storm, for sure.
Hang in there, and congratulations to your son!
Thinking of you, your wife, and your dad, sent up a prayer for all of your family, and we can never get enough of those.
Take care.
HB and everyone else,
you've having a hard time of it.
It only sounds hard. Actually it is not so bad. Like you say life is what you make of it. I am totally used to my mothers shenanigans and it is more annoying than anything else. I just posted it here to vent a little because the weather kind of threw me a little. Now after getting my electricity back I realize I am one of the lucky ones. There are people all around here that will have no power for days, maybe even a week. I lost power again this morning for about 3 hours but my D23 reports that it is back on.
This week I will have reinforcements coming to help out. My son will be home in a few hours, My wife will be home on Tuesday, my sister is coming in on Wednesday(to visit my DAD). So this week will be hopefully FUN!
Anyways thanks for your wishes and support!
Hi OP,
Losing your electricity for awhile can be hard enough. I remember quite a few years ago in 1993; we lost our power for nearly two weeks. Fortunately, we had a gas stove so we were able to stay warm AND cook.
You're right, when life hands you lemons, you make lemonade, LOL!! Things could be SO much worse, and it's rough when you look around and see people that do have it worse than you do.
All is well, I am now in OH; it snowed on the way, and the road got just a little slick..but I made it through; parked for the night earlier, got something to eat; moseyed on over here to check stuff out.
Husband is doing ok; anxious for me to get home and spend some time with him; was a little sick from meds last night. Son is still at home until Monday, I think.
He said he's got an appointment with Orthepedic Doc for Tuesday; to start the changing of his cast. Man, I hope what they put on is lighter than what's currently there.
Reality is hitting him hard, he's realizing for the first time that things are going to get rough, financially. But, I'm confident we'll make it all right if we watch our p's and q's carefully for awhile.
How's your wife? Hopefully, all is well, at least for the moment.
Take care of yourself, Sir.
My father does not have parkinsons disease. He might have
Corticobasal degeneration (CBD) is a rare progressive neurodegenerative disease involving the cerebral cortex and the basal ganglia.[1] It is characterized by marked disorders in movement and cognitive dysfunction. Clinical diagnosis is difficult, as symptoms of CBD are often similar to those of other diseases, such as Parkinson’s disease (PD) and progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP). Furthermore, a definitive diagnosis of CBD is only possible after death, as the only absolute determinant of the disease requires the application of neuropathology and histopathology.
or it may be PSP described above
OP,
Sorry to hear about your father. Is there anything that they can prescribed to make his life a little easier w/the disease he's been handed?
How are you doing?
At this point no. I am sad!!!
I am so sorry to hear this. Has your father been advised of the condition? What about getting a second opinion? Did the doctor give you a suggested timeframe as to when it will get worse?
He has not been advised of his condition yet other than the two choices that I posted previously. He has a doctors appoint with a neuroligist in NYC Cornell medical hospital on Friday. Apparently either choice has no cure or meds. It is already pretty bad so I don't know how much worse it can get. One of the choices says that you can't die from it but you might choke on food or get nuemonia or fall. I am at his house right now with S22. My kids are kind of upset! My wife is coming home tonight and My sister is coming in tomorrow. My dad can still communicate but his speech is somewhat slurred.
I am sorry Pilot. Wish there was something I could do man.
OP - My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
Prayers for you, your father and your family. So sorry OP, you have the weight of the world upon you and yet you are still so supportive of everyone on these boards. May God shine his grace upon you.
Dear OP,
I'm SO sorry. You, your dad, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers; I wish there was something I could do to help you.
Take care.
OP-
So sorry to hear about your father.
B
OP,
Sorry to hear about your Dad. It's sad when things like this happen to good people. Take care of yourself.
Cy
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that they can make your father comfortable and he can enjoy his life for a while longer, despite the circumstances.
Please take care of yourself. You are very important to your father and he needs you now more than ever.
I hope that you and your family can be comforts to one another. Still thinking of all of you...
Op,
you and yours are still in my thoughts and prayers! God Bless!
OP,
I've been following your thread, and posted this on my thread this morning:
P.S. to OP: I'm so sorry about your father. This is one of the few times I can truly say I know how you feel.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
((((OP))))
I am so sorry about your Dad.
Just checking in on you, OP; how are you today?
I hope all is going as well as can be expected for your situation. Just wanted you to know you're in my thoughts and definitely have been in my prayers, my friend.
Take care.
Went to NYC today with DAD, His W my sister and the health worker to see the DR. She was very optomistic and has begun a very agressive medication called sinamet. She believes that he has PSP(see earlier in thread for explanation).This is a dopamine type medication that may or may not work. It could have tough side effects. He will go on an increasing regime of this medication to see how it works.This is not an experimental drug. It is used mostly for parkinsons disease. If it does not work then we get to try some experimental drugs.
There is much more going on with my W. I am hoping it is all good. But I am late for dinner at my DAD's house. Since my W is cooking dinner there......I have to go. I will update later. Very busy day.
So it sounds like there's some reason for optimism about your dad's condition...glad to read that.
I hope you had a nice evening.
Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
old pilot, I'm sending positive thoughts and hoping that the medication will work for your dad
OP, Hang in there. Prayers here that the medication for your Dad is successful.
OP,
I hope and pray that the medication will help your father. At least someone is willing to try something and if this one medication does not work, let's hope that one of the experimental drugs will be available and can do the job of making him more comfortable.
I hope that you have a nice weekend. Please take care of yourself.
Snodderly,J3B,SA,MSH,HB,Bradley,Cyclone,FM,Grace,CM,CF,DU,Lost1234,
LFW,Cyrena,Twink,CBart,GIMA,Mindfull,Mila,Cat,Mach,Trapt,DG,MissH,
SoCO,TF,UP,AYK,IRMAC,BND,ERIC and if I left anyone out you too!
Thanks so much for your support and wishes. This has been a very emotional and trying few weeks. My dad started on his Meds last night and we all felt relief. This may or may not work and as bad as the diagnosis is at least we now know what we are dealing with. The doctor was optimistic and everyone left NYC feeling hopeful. I have had a chance to bond with my stepmother(I hesitate to even call her that but for a 180 I will). Having my children and sister all here certainly helped.
My W continues to reconnect with the world. She made dinner last night for everyone. She had a conversation with my sister about her menopause(?). That it has been trying but it is subsiding now and she just gets hot. She seemed to have a good day yesterday but we sat at opposite sides of the room and she did appear a little distant, however she does perk up at times. We are still in the same bed and she is permitting me to snuggle with her. I am worried that I am pursuing too much, but so far there doesn't seem to be any negative things coming from that.
We all thanked her for dinner and I thanked her for telling me to go to NYC with my DAD and she did kind of snipe at me "Well you should have known to go on your own".
I can see where this is really the hard part in keeping my expectations low. And I see this from both directions because some of me is afraid that this is just a touch and go and when everyone leaves she will stop being so nice. I am definitely last on this list.(of reconnection).
S22 leaves today for a recruitment trip to Vienna, Austria for his PHD program. He does not think he wants to go to school there but it was a free trip to Vienna so he is taking advantage of that. It appears that he will not get into Univ of Penn. which was his first choice so he is going to have to settle for Dartmouth. I am trying to convince him that he is not really settling too much(for an IVY LEAGUE School) but of course I don't know anything. LOL.
Anyway thanks again to everyone for their prayers and well wishes. I am hoping you all can get everything you want out of life. It truly is the most important thing.
OP-
I hope and pray that the meds will help your father and that things get easier for your family. I am so amazed at how you are always there offering support and advice for everyone on the board when you have had such turmoil going on yourself. I have to think that eventually your W will realize (if she hasn't already) what a special person you are.
(((HUGS)))
OP_
I second what Upside said. No matter what you have going you're always there to help someone else.
God Bless you and yours.
OP-
I am so glad your dad did receive a diagnosis and is being treated. Will be praying that the medication is helpful! And things seem to really be moving in a positive direction with your wife - will pray that continues as well.
Your family is truly lucky to have you, and we are also fortuate to have you here encouraging all of us, even with all you have going on!
I second (third, fourth, whatever it is:)) everyone in thanking you so much for all of your support. Be sure to take care of yourself, too.
I hope the new medication has a positive effect. You sound like you are coping with everything so well. I hope you are having a peaceful weekend.
OP,
I'm checking on you this morning to see how you are doing. You've got a lot on your plate and I would hate to see the stress take an unexpected toll on you right now. Please take care of yourself, for you are the one person that everyone is relying on at this time.
So, has the snow begun to melt up your way? How much did you finally get? How is your father doing? I know that your mother has her issues, but have you heard anything new about her? How is your wife doing throughout the situation w/your father?
A lot of questions....but not all about mlc....
Snodderly
I am better see my post from yesterday. The snow is starting to melt. My father is going on the third day of meds so far. Don't really know about my mother but no news is good news with her. My wife and I are doing something but I don't really know what that is?
I have started reading the two Jed Diamond books and I can see that they are really good! I will report in on those when I finish them.
Actually if you read what I wrote about my wife yesterday. I would appreciate a comment.
I think she is coming out of withdrawl but I hesitate to even write that down.
I have to go do some chores in the house and more relaxing.
Will check back in later.
OP,
Your wife is coming along nicely. She's reconnecting quite nicely. She's discussing some health issue concerns that she has w/someone. This is good. Cooking is always a good sign and having dinner w/others...that's a nice step in the right direction. I believe she's "cooking up" quite nicely and the reconnecting w/all will continue. How about her interests in other things, i.e., hobbies, etc.? Notice any particular signs in that direction?
I'm glad the meds are starting to work for your father. Let's hope and pray that they will continue to work and he can live and enjoy his life in a more comfortable fashion.
You are doing an excellent job w/giving your wife space and time. Keep your expectations at zero and you will be just fine.
Please take some time for yourself today and relax.
Glad to hear that things are progressing in a good direction all the way around!!! Can I borrow some of your patience?? :-}
My W continues to reconnect with the world. She made dinner last night for everyone. She had a conversation with my sister about her menopause(?). That it has been trying but it is subsiding now and she just gets hot. She seemed to have a good day yesterday but we sat at opposite sides of the room and she did appear a little distant, however she does perk up at times. We are still in the same bed and she is permitting me to snuggle with her. I am worried that I am pursuing too much, but so far there doesn't seem to be any negative things coming from that.
We all thanked her for dinner and I thanked her for telling me to go to NYC with my DAD and she did kind of snipe at me "Well you should have known to go on your own".
I can see where this is really the hard part in keeping my expectations low. And I see this from both directions because some of me is afraid that this is just a touch and go and when everyone leaves she will stop being so nice. I am definitely last on this list.(of reconnection).
I am getting ready to hit the road again, but I wanted to check in and say it looks like things are all right, and going a good direction for your wife and you, OP.
She IS coming along quite well, the opening up to her sister is a good sign of this.
You know the drill, do what she will allow you to do; just watching and being there when/if she needs you.
Don't worry so much, OP, things seem to be well in hand at this point in time.
Take care of yourself, one step at a time, one day at a time.
This is looking really good from what I can see in what you've posted.
Have a great rest of the evening.
OP, I'm glad that you have reason for optimism in various areas of your life
.
She IS coming along quite well, the opening up to her sister is a good sign of this.
Not that this changes anything but this was MY sister. Her sister died at the beginning of 2009 setting off this MLC.
Thanks everyone. I would have been watching the OSCARS tonight but my cable company is having a fight with WABC and the channel is shut down
Too bad about the Oscars! Hope you are able to relax and enjoy your evening. So glad things are improving with your W!
Not that this changes anything but this was MY sister. Her sister died at the beginning of 2009 setting off this MLC.
OP, I apologize for being in a hurry this afternoon; don't know where I got HER sister out of this. All I could see was that she's coming forward, and that's a GOOD thing.
The fact that she's opening up to someone; even if it's within YOUR family is a good sign that's she's coming forward.
No offense meant; none at all.
ABC and Cablevision turned on the Oscars 30 mins late. W is still mad because she missed Barbara Walters but she is happily watching Oscars on TV rather than internet.
HB no worries no offense taken
Hi OP,
I locked my Q&A thread this afternoon, over 100 posts on it..do not know if I will put up another one just yet.
Enjoy your evening with your wife, you deserve it.
I'm rooting for you, my friend.
Got my fingers crossed for both of you; and your family continues to be in my prayers for everything to be all right.
Hope abounds!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1953700&#Post1953700I am closing down this thread as it is over a 100
My new thread is above. Please join me there.
Thanks everyone for your wishes.