Starting a new thread as my other one will close soon.
Check my other thread for details.
Who is going to help me celebrate the new chapter of my new life?
Mrs. H,
Everything in the home is joint, unless it was a gift and specifically given to you or JA. The ladders...one for him and one for you. The same goes for anything else that was purchased after the two of you were married.
Well, I'm not going to say let's celebrate because it wasn't what you had hoped for, but I will say this, now, your new life will begin and you will become stronger and he will not be able to bully you any longer. You have absolutely nothing to worry about w/him now. His threats will become idle chatter in time.
I do hope you are okay.
Hi Snodderly.
Actually, according to my lawyer what is left is mine. Only the stuff that JA requested and I agreed to is his. I guess it's different in NY?
No Snodderly, divorce isn't what I originally hoped for, but over the last few months I have come to welcome it. I hated it dragging over my head all the time, and I am relieved the court process is over.
So I am celebrating the birth of my new life. I am celebrating the fact that I survived this mess when in the beginning I thought I just wanted to die.
Their is life after divorce and I am looking forward to what it has to bring.
I am ok, I promise. I haven't even shed a tear over this. I don't even feel any pain in my heart either. In a way I kind of feel like I was set free.
Thanks for always being there for me Snodderly!
I don't know what to say....
This isn't the kind of thing you say congratulations to, BUT I love your atitude.
I love this new person that has emerged.
I love your confidence.
I love it that you are looking forward to your new life and sound so good.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
Mrs. H,
What a classy lady! Life after divorce takes on a whole new meaning once the ink has dried on the dotted line. Now, you will begin to see the light of day and come to realize that the huge weight you've been carrying around for such a long time will begin to lift a bit. You can now focus on your schooling, boys and the possiblity of moving at some point.
Mrs. H, never for one minute doubt that you didn't try to save your marriage. You did everything humanly possible to save it. Your xh will someday regret what he's done and he's going to find that the road paved in gold bricks to Oz will eventually tarnish and that fun life he thinks he's got and will have will be nothing more than a routine and pain in the rear.
You, on the other hand, will soar. You will see the world in a whole new light. Doors will open up to you and you will begin to smile once again and believe me, people will be there to assist you any way that they can. So, Mrs. H, spread your wings and fly. You are a success in your own right.
Hugs to you and your boys. Spring is right around the corner, new life, new beginnings.
Mrs. H, I am sorry about your divorce. But, I am so thrilled with your positive attitude....SO VERY proud of you!! I know that the divorce was not what you wanted; but, now you can move FORWARD with your life! And, you seem to be doing that quite well. Always look ahead and trust in yourself!
Best Wishes!
deb
Miss H !!!!!!!!! I love your new name !!! It stood out straight away ! Shows independence and a 'here I am' attitude !
I am so proud of how you have dealt with all that was thrown at you these past few years, I could not have done what you did !
I hope life takes you into the sunshine and shows you all it's wonderfulness and miracles !!!
You so very much deserve it !!!
Take care sweety ! And HUGE hugs to your little ones ! xxx
Miss H,
Like me, you will slowly see your ex self destruct into oblivion.
Like me, you will see a miserable ex.
Just be prepared for his fall.
Keep growing and doing what is right.
You will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams.
God will protect you and be your "husband for the season".
I am so thankful and grateful for what God has done in my life since my divorce.
MissH
Welcome to Surviving
No one gets a free pass here. Everyone earns their wings, and you are on your way to flying high.
Ms. H,
I couldn't have said it any better than Trusting. Now that you can step back and view the world from the other side, you will begin to see your xh self destruct. He will still be very unhappy w/his life and you know what? He has no one to blame but himself.
Trusting,
A very true posting. Time is on our side!
Awww...shucks...Thanks everyone!
I'm not sure if xh will ever self destruct, ow is too much of a cushion. But you know what? There was a time I so wanted him to hit bottom, but now I don't care as much.
Yesterday I had my s8's birthday party. We had a good time. Of course xh always has to call in the middle of it to see if they are having a good time. What an ass! I don't do that to him when he has parties for them.
Anyway, this time he called an hour before the party so I technically wasn't interrupted. I didn't answer the phone either, I just listened to his stupid message. After the party was over I told S8 that his father called if he would like to call him back. S8 said "I will call him later". However, one of his friends came back to play at our house after so he didn't call. JA called the house again and this time I answered. He asked me if they had a good time. I said "Of course, WE had a GREAT time". He asked to speak to the boys but I said they had a friend over and asked him to call back later. He said "Well just see if S8 wants to talk real quick". So I asked S8 and of course he said no, so then JA said "well ask S5" I said "JA, they are playing with a friend right now, they do not want to stop to talk to their father".
He said "alright" in a disappointed way.
And that was that.
I am waiting for S8 to come home from another birthday party and then we are going to do something nice outside on this lovely day. Hope everyone has a nice day! Sorry for ramblin'!
You are doing beautifully! I'm so happy to hear that your son had a delightful birthday! You did the right thing by not picking up the phone before the party. What an @ss. He doesn't want to be part of the family and yet, he wants to drop a quarter and disrupt the fun for your family.
Ms. H, you did great! Do enjoy the beautiful weather for it will be turning cold again by the end of the week. It's almost like late spring here today.
I'm really mad at myself today.
Today S8 was making his first reconciliation. It is JA's weekend and I was able to talk him into bringing S8 to go.
S8 wanted both of his parents there. After reminding JA about it yesterday and during the week, guess who forgets to show up?
ME!!!
JA called me afterwards and asked where I was. It dawned on me then that I forgot to meet them there.
I was too busy straightening up the damn house because my realtor called last night saying people wanted to come see it today.
I was/am so mad at myself. JA said it was ok, that S8 was a little disappointed I didn't come but he's ok now.
I asked to speak to S8 and I did. I apologized to him dearly. He just said "Ok". I asked him if he was mad at me and he said "no".
I feel like such a shmuck and a bad parent.
I have so much on my mind lately that I completely forgot about S8's First Reconciliation.
Don't I deserve idiot parent of the year award.
It's going to take awhile to forgive myself over this.
Don't beat yourself up MsH
I remember when I had to keep the house 'show' ready at a moments notice. At the same time I had started working fulltime after being a SAHM for many years, and I was also trying to pack up/clean out what I could, PLUS all the outside maintenance. In other words, I was doing it all.
We only have so much that we can handle without something slipping our mind. I'm so sorry how you feel, but totally understand. We mothers are really good at the self-guilt game. Your son may have been disappointed, but he still loves you with all his heart...and you'll have other special moments you'll be able to share with him.
I agree w/Creed, please do not beat yourself up. You have a full plate to deal w, while JA doesn't. You are doing the best you can and look, you did speak to your little boy and explained the situation.
It will get better in time. You will find that once everything is settled...you'll have more time to do all of the things that you want to do. Right now, life is demanding an awful lot of your time and you are attempting to sell a home w/very little notice as to when the interested shoppers are coming. It's understandable to forget things. We all do it!
Hi Ms. H. I've been on the newcomers board but have moved over here. You and your xh ages and the kids ages are almost identical to mine. I have a s8 and d 3 1/2. How are your kids handling the d? A d is coming down the pipe for us, and the kids are trying to get used to mom and dad living apart. Of course, s8 understands way more than d3. Her confusion just breaks my heart. Any tips on helping her understand? I'm glad you had fun for your son's birthday.
You have a great attitude and please do not be so hard on yourself. You have been thru so much........
You will be okay..........and you are doing great!
ok..first off, don't beat yourself up over forgetting to meet S8 at his first reconciliation. It is not the end of the world!!! Secondly...YOU ROCK with the new 'tude!! I am loving it!
You are a strong, independent woman who has made it through a terrible time in your life! I am celebrating with you!
hello hello MissH! blessings your way!))))))) you sound good overall, you'll do just fine babes
Miss H,
There is no room in this journey to beat yourself up. The Ml'ers do it for us.
Your actions were not intentional.
Remember, most people could not handle what you are doing. You are an exceptional human being, with an exceptionally difficult Ml'er.
Snodderly,
Thank you for that compliment.....
Miss H I SOOOO want to be you already!
You sound great. Any advice for me?
Hey all, I will respond to your posts soon, but first I could use some advice.
My s8 told me tonight that S5 sleeps with JA and ow when he can't fall asleep.
S5 confirmed this.
I had previously told my kids that I did not want them lying in bed with the ow, but it was ok if it was just Daddy.
My L at one time even wrote JA's lawyer to immediately put a stop to S5 sharing a bed with him and ow and that it was totally inappropriate.
The behavior stopped for awhile, but I found out tonight it's been happening again for awhile now.
My L had told me that I could take him to family court when the divorce is done and they would probably put a stop to overnight visits if he does not abide by the rule that S5 must not share a bed with them.
I am very upset that he is sharing a bed with them. Am I over-reacting? I just find it morally wrong since ow and JA are not married and that they are living together but to allow S5 to share their bed with them has my blood boiled.
My thinking is that I need to protect my kids. So the logical thing to do would be to take him to family court. But you all know JA and how he is vindictive. Will I be opening up a whole other can of worms? He loves to get back at me and I am afraid of the consequeces if I do take him to court.
Should I just let this slide? Maybe I will be doing more damage to the kids in the long run? I don't know. Help, I am lost!
I would be livid!!
I understand your fear of him retaliating. If it were me I would do it, but that is me.
Oh, I would be so mad! That is totally inappropriate!
Ms. H,
Report it to your lawyer. Your JA thinks that just because you are divorced, he longer has to abide by the laws. That's so wrong and it will screw the little boy's mind up if it continues.
Hope all is well with you!
I agree with Snodderly....report it to your lawyer. JA has always thought he is above having to honor the law. There are just some who think they can do whatever they want, no matter what.
As I have told you before, my kids were not allowed to stay overnight w/ their dad if the OW was going to be there (of course, that changed once they got married).
Take Care!!
He continues to be an idiot.
You have every right to object to that- it is morally wrong.
He is clueless and you have to be the one to bring his sinful mind back to reality.
I agree with the rest, inform your lawyer and let him/her take it from there.
Expect him to retaliate.
Stay away from him, and don't feed into his temper tantrum.
In this mess it is so easy to question our actions, keep your moral standard and integrity....
You are priceless.
They already own a house and live together. If you take them to court then it's going to cost you a load of money, he'll probably encourage his kids to keep secrets from you and Donkey and his ow will probably just go get married.
None of it is fair, none of it is okay, just looking at the realistic fall out.
MissH,
Just want to say you sound good !!
About your S5 sleeping in their bed... I had to deal with H and ow taking baths with all 3 of my kids !!!Can you imagine?? I spoke to H once and told him I thought it was innapropriate, but you know what... he didn't think so... so does not intend to stop it... I realized then and there, that some things are not in my control, however much they hurt or irritate me. I don't like it, I hate it even, but sometimes we have to accept things the way they are... (please note that Accepting does not mean you have to like it !!!) Anyway, just giving you my 2 cents on this ...
Take care sweety !!! xxx
Hi there,
Report this to your L, let him give you the options you have legally. JA is just not thinking...he has no idea what this will do to his kids in the future.
yep let that snarky bastard work his to No overnite visits....i say
Just a second option...has S8 ever told his little brother that he can come sleep with him when he is scared etc? Maybe that will keep him out of their bed. Just an idea but also shooting a warning shot across the bow from the L couldn't hurt.
Hang in there.
kat
I ahhhh, I dissent from the popular opinion in this.
My thinking is that I need to protect my kids.
From what? Two adults sleeping together before they are married? And by sleeping...I mean sleeping.
A 5 year old child looking for comfort in the middle of the night, and I'm not sure removing that comfort is in his best interest.
Bringing this to court would involve your children's testimony. Wouldn't it? I am not a lawyer, but I cannot see any other way, some sort of evidence they would have to communicate for the validitiy of accusation. And in that case, what they say could hurt mom or dad in their mind. Why burden them like that?
Would I like it if that was the case with my son and his mom and the OM? No, not at all and I might let her know that, but court? Then again, I didn't ask my boys questions about her life when they came back from being there either.
Yeah we are all upset and pis sed off for you MissH and it's not right, but its not worth burdening your kids or puting them in the middle and realistically making them choose.
What would happen if your XH managed to coach them into saying it never happened? In the courtroom...how would you feel then?
They aren't doing it to spite you,, or rub your face in it, they are doing it so a 5 year old who might not like the place can get some sleep.
So it's Miss H now? I'm lovin' it!!! It has a sweet and fun sound to it!
Hugssss, Journey
Ohhh MISS H. Likey the name girl!
Ok. Your title.
Week one of my new life. Wonderful title. Words are very strong. It is wonderful to read this.
After reading what you wrote, I can totally understand your frusteration, and your hurt.
For that I am sorry.
It sucks butt.
I do however, think that contacting your L for this is going to make things worse.
I think it's time to change the dance, I dunno, I think we have touched on that changing the dance thing before, and you do so wonderful at it when you don't get upset by his actions.
JA. Words are very strong. He will be JA as long as you allow him to be JA in your thoughts.
Call him by X or by his name, remove the negativity from it.
He is now your X husband. He does not owe you anything.
(very hard to accept, very hard concept to grab, very hard to removed yourself from wife roll)
She is no longer the OW actually, she is his GF.
By accepting this, it does not mean that what they DID was right.
It just means that you have removed yourself from his drama and it holds no burden on you, and YOUR NEW LIFE.
The children.
I can tell you, that it gets easier.
It is very hard yes, but it does get easier.
I used to, without even REALLY thinking about it, ask the kids questions about their visit.
So when they told me that, Oh I slept with papi and his GF b/c i was scared. My entire face and demeanor would change.
No matter how much I tried to hide it my anger. and, so many times I didn't even try to hide it very well.
A change would happen.
My kids were put in a horrible position. They would put in a position to PROVE to me how much they loved me.
They should not have to prove anything. I know they love me.
It took a bunch of trial and error on my part.
I also started to figure out that they would skip certain things when they came home from a weekend with papi, b/c they didn't want to hurt my feelings.
It was my own fault. I put them in this horrible position, of putting them on guard, and them having to change the "story"
If you believe in your heart and have evidence that this woman will harm your children in any way. Then by all means do what you have to do to protect them.
If her loving your children, in anyway makes you sick to your stomach, then that is your issue, and that has nothing to do with the babies.
The babies in everyone's case have been through an emotional ringer.
Let's not be the ones to add to this stress and pain.
YES, what he did sucks butt.
YES, b/c of HIS actions none of this would of been happening.
But, it IS happening. It is the way things have turned out.
Don't ask the babies what happens over there if you do ask them.
Do you really want to get your X back on the defensive?
Do you really want your kids to notice that there is something OFF, AGAIN with mom and dad.
Do something different. Get the X off guard.
He is just waiting for you to B!tch about this, once he knows you found out again.
You are not that person, anymore mama. You are a person that has grown so very much.
Don't allow what happens on HIS time with the children to shift your footing.
PS Shecky's was great next time let's go together.
Besos amiga.
Lissie - when did you get so darn smart? You're a blessing.
MissH - We all get caught up in being cheerleaders for our friends, and torch carrying mobs for their enemies. Lissie and Jack have shared some sincerety here, and some deep meaning stuff.
You are our friend. It may be time to consider how much JA and his GF are enemies. Not being enemies does not equal being friends.
There really is so much out there that the little ones shouldn't have to spend too much time trying to understand. They percieve way too much already, and it troubles them in ways they often try to hide.
I think like Lissie said, you will struggle greatly, but will also find it to be easier in time. Maybe it will happen more quickly when you try to see things from the kid's view ... "when it is appropriate".
You'll always need to be the responsible loving and caring mom who watches out for them and the things they don't understand. Things that are needlessly allowed to become critical mass are things to watch for. It would be so much easier for you to examine things this way if JA wasn't a JA. If he could discuss with you whether something is potentially heading in that direction without cause, and agree to work equally to avoid it ... your load would lighten greatly. He is and he will be a JA. You may be the only one who knows him well enough to discuss the best interests of the kids this way. It wouldn't be one conversation, or a short one, but a series of baby steps worth taking when you feel it is right.
I think we are all saying the same thing. We do care about you and the children. We all want what is best for you and the children. We don't much care what bus hits JA as long as we get to ride. We just don't want the kids hurt in the crash.
Clear your mind a while and write down some blessings in your life that you have been too busy to notice. List little ones like not having to do JA laundry. List big ones like those wonderful babies. The more you can list, the lighter your heart will feel with some of this. Maybe start a new journal, a daily blessings journal that means you must give yourself a few precious minutes each day to be still and list your blessings. That list will grow. Looking back over previous lists will strengthen you. It is just one of many little tools for healing, and heal you will.
(((MissH)))
hew sweets))))) I agree with the above as well.
The ow is not an ow, it's his gf, they live together "like" married people and will behave like so, like it or not, the court can't monitor their every day lives. The looser missed out on a great woman and it is HIS loss, you have gained a brand new life without a spineless coward that took the easy way out.
Unless there is some abuse I would let that go. I too have a 5yr old, I know how you feel MissH, stbx and gf live together, they aren't married (yet), but it is what it is. I can see JA making your life a living hell over this.
That woman doens't deserve to be near your children but he has chosen to her to be around the kids and she is being decent with them, that's the bottom line. Stbx' gf makes food my kids hate and combs d5's hair hard and she cries, but she also makes cupcakes they can all enjoy and *is* combing her hair. I have slowwwwwwwly accepted that, that she is now part of their daily lives.
Hi all, I thank you for all of your advice.
JSYK, since my divorce is done with and my L is all paid up to full, I don't want to have to go through him anymore and waste money.
Also, I have already decided to not take him to family court because after thinking about it, I realized it would just lead to bigger problems that I am not ready to take on.
So, after 3 years of this, I have realized I have become one of those bitter woman that I told myself I would not allow myself to get.
After 3 years of putting up with the x and all his abusive crap, I have come to despise him.
He has put me through emotional hell these last few years. I need to find a way to deal with this anger, most likey talk to a therapist about it. X is clueless as to why I am angry.
So, I don't think I belong posting here anymore until I can get my head on straight and let go of this anger. Being here, and seeing LBS getting sh!t on day in and day out, is not helping.
I'll be back someday, but for now I need to clear my head.
Peace - Miss. H
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
You know how to get in touch with me if you need me
Hi Miss H
I know I dont post to you much but I have read your posts for awhile and have felt for you. My x is much like yours as done mean and nasty things that have gone beyond what I could comprehend. To top it off we also have two boys more grown than yours and one got disabled ( brain damage ) from drugs after being a near perfect son, needless to say h went off the deep end and as basically what i call abondaned this son but not the other one, trying to be the fun disney Dad, etc...so many dynamics and to me the worse part of all of this was not about the really mean things he did to me it was watching him favor one son over the other....just to give you some back ground.....and also just went throught finalizing an almost 2 year divorce and this is 4 years post bomb, 3 years seperated with ow and the whole deal......I too recently just thought I cant take anymore...he is nothing but a creep with a capital C....and I worried am I becoming one of those bitter women...when really i feel hurt beyond belief...anyway I also have attended support through midlife.com and earlier this week someone who has been through marriage restoration recommended this book called , "Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace..now if you are like me you might be thinking forget it Im not even his wife anymore....and while I havent read it yet, the lady recommended this for anyone who is seperated or divorced too. Here are some things she shared In Martha's book, she says that she has counseled many wives and they have told her they were not bitter, they were, however, "hurt". Martha said she would gently explain to them that the emotions of feeling "hurt" and "resentful" are usually how you feel when you are bitter. There are several common signs of bitterness. I am planning on ordering this book. I just want to survive this not as a bitter woman and I also want Gods best for my life and my boys. As I have read through your posts I sense that about you....this is not the life you can even believe has happened, but somehow we have got to make it and not just survive it...be a model for our boys.....anyway I just wanted to pass this suggestion on to you....as it doenst matter that you are not his wife now, this is about you and that you dont want to be that bitter person....otherwise he will still have power over you.....just wanted to share in case your interested. Take Care and wisdhing you the best.
Have you looked into the Surviving the Big D forum? Not too many posters, but some good stuff over there.
Ms. H,
You are not a bitter woman. You are a woman that's been hurt very deeply and you know what? You are going to be okay in time.
Your xh is no longer a threat to you. There's absolutely nothing he can do to you now. You can now start really putting your focus back on you, your children and what you want to do w/your life. Spread your wings and soar! You've earned those wings and it's time to start testing them.
Healing takes time, be kind to yourself, and know that we all love you very, very much.
We are here for you MissH...Take care of yourself.
Y
Miss H,
What you are going through is normal. Your emotions/feelings are normal. It is quite a process to go through.
I am a little farther along in this process than you.
I can honestly say, I am not as bitter as I use to be.
Why? You may ask.... What changed?
I am watching my ex go through the natural consequences of all of his nasty/negative behaviors.
Losing his friends, losing his reputation in the community, losing all his money, clients, losing the respect of his children who use to admire him, losing all of my family who loved him dearly, losing his health, etc............
It all eventually catches up to them. All the crap they did to their children and spouses, all comes back.
mIss H
Trusting is right as your kids grow they will form their own opinions of what happened or is happening with their Dad and you know what the best thing is to let them form them on their own.........stay queit...either he will change or your sons opinions will change ..think long term...take care
Bitter? I know more than enough bitter women...AND men on this board. I'd be hard pressed to call you bitter. A bit sour, but sweet too...just kidding.
Miss H,
Is it bitterness? I don't think so, but I admit I don't know for sure. I just know that I feel the same way a lot of the time.
We have to learn how to cope and deal with an incredibly difficult and sad and painful situation, and it's hard, and it takes time. If you are still stuck in the same place in another 2 years from now, then yeah, I might use the word bitter. But not yet. And to avoid getting stuck in that place, seeing a counselor is an excellent idea.
For myself, I feel pity for my xh, and have realized that he was made of much weaker stuff (character, values, morals) than I thought he was. That is unattractive to me, and I'm not sure I would want a relationship with him again, even if/when he ever "comes out of the tunnel." On some days I feel I have truly detached.
But on some days, I am still deeply hurt and angry. Very angry. And it makes me so frustrated that he and the bimbOW continue to get away with living their happy happy joy joy life, with seemingly no consequences for their deceit and the pain they have caused me, the kids, H's parents, our old friends, etc.
I know I need to stop dwelling on that and focus on me and the kids and not on x's choices. I am working on that, and working on forgiveness, but it takes time. It is a "one day at a time" ongoing process.
But it is hard in light of his continued selfish, immature behavior. My xH is also on a major power trip right now, and seems to get off on controlling me and the kids---in regards to selling the house, D15's plans with friends, S10's extracurricular activities...anything and everything he can stick his nose into.
When they are with him he threatens the kids that if they aren't nice to the bimbOW he will spank them, take away their toys, their cell phones, will sell D15's elderly pet horse, etc. He forces them to spend time with her even when S10 politely and feelingly told his dad that still felt uncomfortable around bimbOW, missed spending time with just the two of them, and asked if they could have some exclusive "dad and kids time." (S10 told me about it later. xH just told him "That's not up to you, so you better get used to it." <sigh>) They barely know her, and he wants to force them into being immediate best friends with her! Doesn't he get it that will just backfire on him? Why, oh why, can't he take into consideration what they are feeling and thinking and even verbalizing? (And why do I still waste my time asking questions like that??? <another sigh>)
So, yeh, I get what you're going through. I can't take my xh back to court over anything he's doing, and it probably would only backfire anyway, but like you, I struggle with how to react when I hear some of the things the kids are telling me about what happens at his place.
Do I say anything to him? How do I advise the kids on how to handle it? (Sometimes I want to tell them to punch 'em both in the nose!) LOL!
But I don't think that means we're bitter women, either one of us. We are the Momma Bears! Momma Bears protect their children, and when we see our kids hurting, or see things that could potentially cause harm to our kids (psychological and emotional harm, not just physical)we want to make it stop! And when we can't do anything to fix it or make it better, we get frustrated and angry! I think that's normal, and I don't think it has anything to do with bitterness.
So don't beat yourself up. You are doing an amazing job of being a single mom. It's just a very steep learning curve.
{{{Hugs to you.}}}
Thank you for all of your responses.
My mind is too clustered right now to respond. I am overwhelmed with school work.
I will respond soon.
Thanks again.