I was wondering why no one responded! I got locked! Anyway here's the last post.
I guess I should update. DD moved in with H on Sept 1. I have seen her a couple of times but she says she is busy so unless I just set down an specific event she doesn't see me.
H tried to set up a couple of mediation sessions. I told him I didn't want our marriage to end and he responded that it is hopelessly broken and he is responsible. The last mediation session he set up was for the next day. I told him that I would only go to a court approved mediator (which that one wasn't) and that I wanted my lawyer. H said he was ok with a court approved mediator but not a lawyer. I didn't respond and I haven't heard from him since Oct. 8th. The OW seems to be pushing him since she emailed me seeing if he really was divorcing me. H did make plane reservations to see his parents over Christmas BUT he still hasn't talked to them. His dad's bday even came and he didn't even call. I think this is just another OW push.
DD loves OW <gag> and OW says she is her daughter that she had when she was 11 but DD turned out white (OW is hispanic - 28 years old with 3 little kids from 2 years to 8 years, H is 49).
So I am alone, which isn't too bad but I am unsure where to go to from here.
Looks like H filed on Oct. 28th. I haven't received anything yet (probably today).
I am so sorry to hear this.
I really think they are persuaded/pushed/manipulated into thinking that is what they should do by ow. Deep down, who knows if these men really want that because I think they would have done it sooner. And yet, they are just as miserable when and after they file, if they ever do.
You are so right Midwestern girl.
Update: My dad died and I got served 2 days before the funeral. My DD also went to her school counselor about her anorexia/cutting, etc and voluntarily went into a treatment faculty. She is now in the day care part and living with H. We have to go to family therapy though.
Yesterdays was a little eye opener. We had to validate something about our lives. H said he wanted to validate he wasn't a lousy person. I talked about wanting to know I am DD's mother - that I continually feel pushed out and how I always look at the worst like feeling the divorce will put me homeless. We were getting ready to leave though and I really felt I had to say something....I turned to H and said "I wouldn't have waited nearly 3 years, if I didn't think you were worth it". He stared straight ahead and didn't say anything.
I know people here say there are miracles and I really want to believe but I am having a hard time seeing anything but H finishing the divorce, marrying his 28 year old and her 3 little kids (2,5,8) and then taking DD and I never seeing her again. I can even see it worse...H getting the house and them all moving into it while i am living on the street. Yep, have to work on the negativity.....<sigh>
{{{{BP}}}}
I am so sorry to hear the news about your dad. My heart goes out to you.
I am so sorry about you getting served too. No wonder you feel negative. That would get to anyone. I hope your D gets better. I know you are a strong person and you will bounce back from all of this heartache. Give yourself time to grieve.
My prayers are with you.
Y
BP: I am so sorry; the pain of losing someone during this sort of situation would be very hard to bear.
Wow, so much has happened and nothing has happened since I last posted. H has done nothing on D since Jan. 6th. Next month his filing is up. Somehow I don't think OW will be happy when she finds out.
DD is still living with him but I think the bloom is off the rose. I have heard from 2 sources that she basically is raising herself now. She definitely is nicer towards me and seems to want to spend time with me.
I finally got on anti-D's and they really have helped. I am going to a gynocologist this week to see how my hormones are since things get so out of wack for me.
My dad's house is sold and I think I am pretty well settled with his stuff.
I got rid of my horse but that is ok. He needs someone who would work with him. Instead I now have 8 chickens. They are sooooo cute. So things are ok.
Wow, so much has happened and nothing has happened since I last posted. H has done nothing on D since Jan. 6th. Next month his filing is up. Somehow I don't think OW will be happy when she finds out.
DD is still living with him but I think the bloom is off the rose. I have heard from 2 sources that she basically is raising herself now. She definitely is nicer towards me and seems to want to spend time with me.
I finally got on anti-D's and they really have helped. I am going to a gynocologist this week to see how my hormones are since things get so out of wack for me.
My dad's house is sold and I think I am pretty well settled with his stuff.
I got rid of my horse but that is ok. He needs someone who would work with him. Instead I now have 8 chickens. They are sooooo cute. So things are ok.
Wow, so much has happened and nothing has happened since I last posted. H has done nothing on D since Jan. 6th. Next month his filing is up. Somehow I don't think OW will be happy when she finds out.
DD is still living with him but I think the bloom is off the rose. I have heard from 2 sources that she basically is raising herself now. She definitely is nicer towards me and seems to want to spend time with me.
I finally got on anti-D's and they really have helped. I am going to a gynocologist this week to see how my hormones are since things get so out of wack for me.
My dad's house is sold and I think I am pretty well settled with his stuff.
I got rid of my horse but that is ok. He needs someone who would work with him. Instead I now have 8 chickens. They are sooooo cute. So things are ok.
Wow, so much has happened and nothing has happened since I last posted. H has done nothing on D since Jan. 6th. If he filed on Oct 28 and the filing is good for 180 days...that means tomorrow the filing is up! Somehow I don't think OW will be happy when she finds out.
DD is still living with him but I think the bloom is off the rose. I have heard from 2 sources that she basically is raising herself now. She definitely is nicer towards me and seems to want to spend time with me.
I finally got on anti-D's and they really have helped. I am going to a gynocologist this week to see how my hormones are since things get so out of wack for me.
My dad's house is sold and I think I am pretty well settled with his stuff.
I got rid of my horse but that is ok. He needs someone who would work with him. Instead I now have 8 chickens. They are sooooo cute. So things are ok.
I was wrong about the filing. He had 180 days to serve me. He did the next month BUT my lawyer said that if nothing has been done on the divorce in awhile then the courts could dismiss it. My lawyer indicated he thought that would be soon. I am betting that the 29 year OW will throw a fit, if she finds out and will threaten to leave. H will then do more on the D.
ROFLMAO - Just got notice from my lawyer that H's lawyer has quit!!!
Ha!! Ha!!!
Things happen for a reason.
Have a blessed weekend!!!
Now that's funny! I love that his lawyer quit. Let's see, something about no coincidences in life....hmm.
I'm really glad your D is seeing more of you. How is she doing?
Yesterday she spent from 10am till 9pm with me! She still didn't seem to want to go home. A neighbor came over and asked my daughter questions that I haven't. My daughter said that OW and H fight every week, that she doesn't like OW anymore and actually asked her to leave her dad alone,that OW doesn't want to marry H and H doesn't know what he wants, that she doesn't want H and I to get back together because he is such a mess. He is never happy and all he does is play video games. She is basically waiting to go away to college in one year.
OK, that is what she said...in reality, who knows what is going on. She may just have had a fight with OW and tomorrow they will be best of friends. H is doing nothing to contact me and still doesn't seem to care about me. When I saw him yesterday, he has gained about 30 lbs. I don't know what to think.
Your situation has been one of the less typical ones on these boards, that's for sure.
He'll have to face you at some point.
OK, that is what she said...in reality, who knows what is going on.
True. It's nice that she was willing to address anything that is going on in her world though.
Sounds like he lying in the bed he made and it has a few nails in it...
HUGS
Yep, it must be getting really uncomfortable over there!
I feel like I AM watching a soap opera and it is unraveling. I picked up my DD today and she told me that she was grounded forever. I asked what happened and she said her BF came over to the apartment while she and her dad were gone. He proceeded to get drunk and pass out in DD's bedroom. H came home and found him. BF is now in detox, DD says she will not see him anymore and H has declared DD has to stay in her room for the rest of her life (I guess unless I have her since he didn't tell me anything). I then asked DD why she was so tired and she said her dad was yelling at OW at midnight and that OW spends the weekends there but gets kicked out every weekend. I couldn't resist asking what he yelling about and she said all she knows was he was cursing a lot at her and she was just sitting there! H NEVER cursed at me. I guess that just proves what little respect he has for her.
DD was down a lot, not that it isn't understandable and I am worried about her staying alone for a long period. We are leaving for California on Thursday and I am hoping to monitor the situation better then. She spent the entire day with me but didn't really eat which really worries me. Also, we dyed our hair. Mine is regular brown and we tried for blue untones but it didn't work. She wanted blonde with bright blue. It turned out streaky blonde with lots of different shades and light blue underneath. She was very unhappy.
I love it when they gain weight. My H put on 40 lbs since we split...
Well, it's almost been a year since I posted last. The divorce H started fell through when the courts dismissed it on April 2010 since he hadn't done anything on it. I still don't see or hear from him but I understand his GF is gone. She emailed me and said it was obvious he wasn't going to divorce me. Hmmmm, but he won't talk to me either.
DD is graduating this year. Things are up and down in our relationship. I seldom see her but she is friendly, just says she is too busy. I stop by her work once in awhile, it's not what I want but I guess it's all I am going to get right now.
I have added 12 chickens and 2 peafowl to my menagerie and do some pottery classes. Hopefully, it will be spring around here soon. It snowed yesterday <sigh> and I can get my scooter out.
I wonder what is happening with H but don't know what to do, other than leave him alone.
BP, Interesting. Your situation is one of the most dragged-out on this board!
How are you feeling at this point?
Yep, I feel dragged out...especially turning 50 this week....gag!!!!
About H: I am not sure. He still has little to no contact so basically he is not in my life and I can forget him but I still miss him and our marriage. The hardest part is missing "family". Basically, it is all gone (recap - between 2006 and 2009 had 3 major deaths and my husband and daughter left me). My daughter told me yesterday when I told her that I missed seeing her (she can see me but is "too busy") that she had to go find her own family. That hurts so I guess I am still dealing with the downfall of what has happened.
I know that if I came to the board now and read someone saying that 4 years later they are still hurting, I would be devastated. My life is ok and, in some ways, I really do enjoy being alone. I have some wonderful people in my life who I came to know because of this and I would hate them to not be in my life. I have done a lot of fun traveling and activities from pole dancing, to belly dancing to pottery. It isn't a bad life but there is a piece that is gone and like a circle with a piece out of it, I don't roll like I use too.
You could stir things up a little with a card or something.
BP
We would have never believed it if anyone ever tried to tell us such strange things would pass our way.
I think your H probably sits in front of a video game a lot with no one left to yell at, and tries very hard not to think about his life. He sounds like he has ruled out putting any effort into a D, at least for now.
Not sure a card would stir him up much. Not sure a Space Shuttle sized blender would either. He sounds like he is just too checked out to invest much energy in his life, much less anyone else's.
Leaving you didn't solve his problems. Having the OW sure didn't work out. Maybe the video game will keep him warm. As for that piece you feel is missing from your life, don't forget that he couldn't possible fit into your life very easily right now.
That hole he left has changed shapes as you have changed and become someone better.
He is not the same shape he used to be. Besides the few pounds he put on, he'll eventually have to work on changing things about himself in order to fit the current void in your life. You would not like the person you would have to become to accomodate the new him. Imagine playing Twister with double vision.
"RRiigghhtt HHaanndd - BBlluuee" ... You wouldn't know where to begin.
I think he has to continue his journey a while, no matter how that ends.
Hi Was2sad!
It is good to see you around here. I hope I have become someone better...I am definitely more drugged then when he left
That is anti-depressives!!! What were you thinking hehehehheehe
I just wish I knew if and/or when he would at least turn so we can try. <sigh>
You could be my twin! I've been on this board since '06. I was like you, missing him and family but with my own life, strong and happy with a little grey twinge. Then out of the blue, over having to call him about financial stuff no less, came peace. No more yelling from him, just laughing and soft voices! What happened? Time? I'll tell you more when I can but I'll try to keep an eye on your sitch. I think we can share alot. I just turned 52 in March. Three kids though.
I'll have to look up your stitch and would love to trade thoughts, Freema.
BP, What Was2 says is interesting. Perhaps continue to leave him be....
We have had a little text exchanges about insurance but basically I have let him be. Unfortunately/Fortunately he has agreed (his mother asked him) to be at a birthday dinner for me later this month. I am ok with it but it will be weird to be together after 4 1/2 years with all the family.
That seems like a lot of pressure.
Both, really! Hope things work out there....
Wow! Has it really been this long since I checked in? My physical situation is still the same, still married but verrrrry little contact. I am doing ok though. My daughter has some friends she moved in with and they have embraced me also. I have a nice guy I am seeing who knows about my situation and I have ducks, chickens and peacocks along with a dog, 2 cats and 3 horses so life is good. I have pushed H a little by asking "what now 5 years later?" and "what do you want". I get no answer so I am sure he is still totally confused/depressed. My daughter said he lost 2 of his best friends to drugs/alcohol, not to mention his 29 year old gf who figured out he wasn't going to divorce me.
I am still on the line looking both ways. I want to try to restore a relationsip with H but I can't see him doing anything. Any thoughts?
Hey BP,
Nice to hear an update.
I don't know that I really have anything to offer with regards to your question. I'm about a year behind you and the only real difference seems to be that my H still has not filed.
For what it's worth, if you would still like to restore a relationship with your H and you don't mind just hangin' out to see what happens...I guess you wait.
I have three questions; since you are seeing a nice guy, do you really want to wait?
Also, does the nice guy know that you want a relationship with your H? What does he say about it?
HUGS
I have just started seeing him so don't know where it will go. He is 5 years younger than me (yep, cougaring!!!)and is just starting in the workforce again. There is a lot to find out about each other before we have more of a committment. He did come out and tried to fix my furnace when I had no heat. (Bonus for bringing steaks with him!) and he has a good sense of humor and seems to be a hard worker. He does know about H and is ok so far. He just says since it has been 5 years with little to no contact it is not a marriage only a piece of paper. I just want to enjoy companionship right now. I still feel the "he will leave me" issues so I have stuff to work on myself still.
BP--you are quite a testament to staying power. You know someone is going to say this...but what do you want?
One of the last- last resorts is to file for divorce yourself, as it might force some action. If you are feeling ready to see someone else, you could consider this option.
I do struggle with this. I would have to pay H for half of the equity on the house which is a good chunk, possibly around $30,000. Sometimes I wonder about this excuse. What I really want is to see if my H and I could have a marriage but he hasn't wanted to even speak to me or see me in 5 years so this seems very far away. I don't know why I won't give up on this idea and will probably have to do something eventually.