Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/10/08 04:59 AM
I did not realize my thread locked so soon!

All is okay. Have not heard from H tonight but I talked to him a lot today.

I think he needs some serious sleep so he can function at work tomorrow.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/10/08 01:10 PM
You are very popular!! But you give great advice & we all really appreciate it!!

(((HUGS)))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/10/08 01:13 PM
Thanks, nlt!

What I have learned, I have mostly learned here. I did not find this board until roughly six months after I found out about the A. If it was not for my faith and things I learned here, I probably would not be here.
Posted By: Cinderellaman Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/10/08 01:18 PM
sent you mail ! ;\)
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/10/08 01:19 PM
I got it and just responded. Thank you. You are very pretty and what a handsome little boy you have!!
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 12:14 AM
SF,

I'm like you, I didn't find this board until the end of Feb. & my D was almost complete. I've learned a lot here too & especially with the help of you & so many others.

(((HUGS)))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 04:34 AM
Life is certainly not boring on my end.

I really think God is trying to send my H a message. Seems each day, there is something that is happening over here that really needs his attention. Most things I can deal with but some of these things, he really needed to be involved in.

Today, he admitted that each day, seems more and more things come up and there is no end to it.

I just listened.

I think God's message has been:

Go home to your family, be the head of the household as things need immediate attention before something of a serious nature occurs.

You would think the light bulb would go off in his head but it hasn't.

I am not getting upset about it as I have been praying and I think that is what has kept me going. Right now I have so many things to deal with that really have nothing to do with H but these matters do need his attention.

Okay, I am done talking.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 01:25 PM
SF,

You talk away! You need to vent & here is the best place. I think your H is about to realize that he does need to be there. It's just going to take him some time. You are doing great!!!!

((((HUGS))))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 02:32 PM
nlt:

thanks for the encouragement. i have a wonderful headache today so i may not be on much but i am thinking of all of you.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 04:11 PM
SF,

I'm sorry you have a headache, I truely know what those are like!! When I get one I usually keep it for several days.

I hope you feel better!!!

(((HUGS)))
Posted By: Cinderellaman Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 04:17 PM
Hi sweety, sorry about your headache....take it easy today will you ? Thinking of you xxx
Posted By: glamgirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 06:30 PM
Thanks Steelers for being here. You have helped me keep plugging away. I was thinking of you today and thinking how hard it must have been for you when h left again.

I am not so sure I could have gone on. You are so strong! Keep doing what you are doing.

Your h will be home soon and we hope and pray for the long haul.
Posted By: Cinderellaman Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 06:34 PM
Glam, did your H have an ow ? I can't remember...is she out of the pic?

You see, my H has a very young and adorable and peachy and sweet as pie ow, that he is infatuated with and won't let go for the life of him.

It makes it hard sometimes...
Posted By: Nutty Chick Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 07:16 PM
Originally Posted By: Cinderellaman
You see, my H has a very young and adorable and peachy and sweet as pie ow, that he is infatuated with and won't let go for the life of him.



You know I can think of nothing worse than having a younger man.
I would be constantly comparing myself to them. It would make me feel old and unattractive.

... I don’t like much about my (soon to be ex ) husband at the moment but one thing I do like about his appearance is the laughter lines around his eyes and the couple of silvery hairs that have appeared at the side of his hairline …

Youth isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Nutty.
Posted By: Cinderellaman Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 07:20 PM
Nutty,

I agree with you as a woman, but for a man I think it's different...it boosts their ego, makes them feel young and attractive again, it gives them a wonderfully beautiful thing to give an arm to whilst they walk into a room...all that.

I totally agree about how men get better with age. I also love to see the life that H has had, written in his face...the grey hairs that have popped up like mad since his mlc started, and he has no knowledge of that. He's worried that he's too fat, ow is nearly anorexic. I love H in any way shape or form...weird huh
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 07:28 PM
(((steelers))) Sorry about your bad headache. It's no wonder with all that is going on. I hope it goes away quickly.
Posted By: glamgirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 07:53 PM
Cinders there was an ow in question. H says nothing going on, but isn't that what they all say. She was nothing to be concerned with. I have NO idea if they are still connected someway, nor do I care. She is not somebody I would waste any cycles on. If any man had their choice of me or her 100% of the men would choose me. I know that is a bold statement, but there is a huge difference between trash and class. My h is a rescuer, so in his eyes he was HELPING her.
Posted By: Truelove Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 07:54 PM
Hi Steelers,
I am sorry that you have a terrible headache. It is probably stress related. You have had to deal with so many unpleasant things lately, no wonder you don't feel well.

I am sure you will get better soon. I guess your H will be with you for the next few days, which will help. Have a lovely week-end. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: Nutty Chick Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/11/08 08:11 PM
Originally Posted By: Cinderellaman
Nutty,

I agree with you as a woman, but for a man I think it's different...it boosts their ego, makes them feel young and attractive again, it gives them a wonderfully beautiful thing to give an arm to whilst they walk into a room...all that.


I agree men are more visual ...

Quote:
I totally agree about how men get better with age.
(NOT FAIR!! )

Quote:
I also love to see the life that H has had, written in his face...the grey hairs that have popped up like mad since his mlc started, and he has no knowledge of that. He's worried that he's too fat, ow is nearly anorexic. I love H in any way shape or form...weird huh


See what I mean? He is worrying himself about his physical appearance already!! Now he feels he's too fat, by xmas he'll be too gray ;\) Insecurity can make a person needy and clingy. Not attractive qualities ...

Nutty x
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 04:03 AM
Hi, all.

I've just had a rough few days and I really don't want to go into all the details.

Not to mention that H made me out to look like the bad guy and I just listened to him talk and when he sounded very calm again and said he better get back to work, I just hung up on him.

What really brings me way down is raising teens, esp. ones who live life in the fast lane but oh, that's right, H and S think I am over exaggerating things and I am the crazy one.

Right now, I just want to be left alone and not have to deal with things.

Wish I had a place where I could run away like H but the more I think about it, I feel guilty as I could never leave my daughters.
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 04:08 AM
Steelers,
Quote:
Not to mention that H made me out to look like the bad guy and I just listened to him talk and when he sounded very calm again and said he better get back to work, I just hung up on him.
I bet your H is feeling bad that he was unsupportive of you on the phone. I hope he makes it up to you when he comes over on the weekend.
Quote:
Wish I had a place where I could run away like H but the more I think about it, I feel guilty as I could never leave my daughters.
Don't feel bad about needing a break. Everyone needs downtime, especially you now after going through so much.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 04:11 AM
Thanks, PH, for all of your support.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 04:18 AM
SF,

I have a feeling your H is feeling bad now!

You of all people need a break & soon!!! Do your best to get away for a little while. Maybe go get a massage, do something just for you!!!

(((HUGS)))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 08:35 AM
my husband is was texting me late friday nite

did not sound like the same man i spoke to on the phone friday morning

he sounds a lot better.

hmmm............

and he just called me and sounded really really nice

asked how i was, etc.

i have a feeling he knows he was way wrong when he confronted me on the phone friday morning about some things.

i better get some sleep.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 10:49 AM
More:

I asked him how he was feeling because I had mentioned previously he had been getting stomach aches on and off due to nerves, etc.

He said it comes and goes. He said it could be anything but of course, he will not have it checked. At least he is thinking there is something wrong and who knows, maybe he will get himself checked out if it gets where he cant stand it any longer.

I did have a chance to tell him what my fantasy vacation would be with him because he asked.

I said I would love to go to a place such as Vail, stay in a nice room with a fireplace, and we get stuck there for a few days due to a major snowstorm.

He liked that.

Then he said he still would love to go to the Greek Islands with me.

I did say that maybe we can take the honeymoon we never had.

It certainly was something to think about.
Posted By: job Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 12:06 PM
SF,
I'm sorry he was in one of his moods. It sounds like he's cycling more frequently than before. I'm glad to see he was in a better frame of mind later in the day.

I do hope that your situation will come together soon so that you can finally have a little bit of rest from all of it. You've been such a wonderful and patient woman through all of this. Your h doesn't realize just how lucky he is to have you in his corner.

Please try to have a good day. I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 12:51 PM
Thanks for visiting my thread, Snodderly.

Many times I just wish he would come home which would take a lot of pressure off of me.

Then I think about how much I enjoy our late night conversations, etc. but know he is becoming more and more miserable over there.
Posted By: job Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 01:03 PM
SF,
You do not want him home the way he is right now. The pressure you would experience would be greater because he's still having some mood swings that are created by the demons who are fighting the "good" in him.

It's better that he get this out of the way before coming home and I do believe that by October, he'll be more than ready to come home to you and your family. He'll be more settled and the moods swings will be far less frequent. You already have enough stress in your life at this time and you do not want him added into the mix.

Enjoy the late night conversations and know that he really is a miserable man in his skin at this time.

I do hope you have something planned for yourself today.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 01:09 PM
True, I don't think I can deal with H and of course my teenage son and all that is involved there.

I think this new job my son just got is going to do him a lot of good. He is really excited about it. He has been in training the last two days and has one more day of training on Monday and the restaurant opens on Tuesday.

He will be working five days/week, including weekends from something like 4-10PM.

Once he gets his own place, our house will be peaceful again and the girls will be very happy as we are going to paint the bedrooms. They are really excited that they will each have their own room when S leaves.

I am sure that H will want to come back about that time but you never can tell for sure.
Posted By: Truelove Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 01:40 PM
Hi Steelers,
Thanks for visiting my thread. I hope you can also get some time for yourself on the week-end. Enjoy. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 02:05 PM
I have a question:

Is my H's cycling which seems to be happening faster and faster a positive thing?
Posted By: ACJ Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 02:10 PM
Steelers,
Whilst I envy the fact that you see your H so often I also agree with Snodderly that it would be too stressful to have him home right now. When I saw my husband last week when D13 went off on her school trip to France I realised I coulnd't remember the last time I saw him before this. I certainly can't remember the last time he spoke to me in a nice way (or of late even spoke to me at all!). This is a horrible feeling but I have to admit that mentally for me it is better than when he was ringing everyday to bully me into agreeing to the D.

Take care
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 02:15 PM
I really don't want him here too soon, it is just that other situations I am dealing with make him being here somewhat easier to deal with.

I just feel so badly for those whose spouses cannot say a kind word to them.
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 08:54 PM
Hi Snodderly,

Since you know alot about MLC, do you think my H is going through some kind of a crisis or he is just simply done with me because he has an unforgiving, blaming and/or stubborn spirit?

Also what is cycling (in MLC context)?

-PH
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/12/08 10:27 PM
I believe cycling can be identified as the constant mood changes.
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 03:08 AM
Steelers, Or could it also be switching between distancing and getting close to the spouse?
Posted By: glamgirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 04:07 AM
Steelers how is your weekend so far? Hope you are enjoying it with h.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 04:36 AM
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
Steelers, Or could it also be switching between distancing and getting close to the spouse?


From what I have read it is about their mood swings.

Someone correct me if I am wrong.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 04:38 AM
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
Steelers how is your weekend so far? Hope you are enjoying it with h.


Hi, Glam:

So far so good.

H came over, and was on the quiet side. It was pretty much just he and I sitting outside and it was nice. Just small talk.

This time when he left, he actually asked me to walk him out to the car. Normally, I have just gone ahead and walked him out but this time he requested it.

I swear, it was like being a teenager again. We must've been out there kissing for ten minutes.

I will see him tomorrow as well.
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 04:44 AM
Steelers, That WAS a nice time!!!
Posted By: HeartScared Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 04:54 AM
Originally Posted By: steelersfan
Originally Posted By: plentyhope
Steelers, Or could it also be switching between distancing and getting close to the spouse?


From what I have read it is about their mood swings.

Someone correct me if I am wrong.


And their mood swings coincide with how they are feeling about us at the time too in some cases.
Posted By: Treese Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 01:21 PM
I've noticed some mood swings....one day H is happy and talkative...the next we don't hear from him or he is agitated...
He's never mean to me but I can tell when he is tired or frustrated.....

maybe he's not getting enough *** from OW
Posted By: glamgirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 01:27 PM
Sounds like a nice ending to the day. My h comes over today while I work. Haven't seen him or heard from him since Wed, didn't expect to though. If I did that would mean he was unpredictable. Don't know what to expect.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 03:25 PM
Originally Posted By: Treese
I've noticed some mood swings....one day H is happy and talkative...the next we don't hear from him or he is agitated...
He's never mean to me but I can tell when he is tired or frustrated.....

maybe he's not getting enough *** from OW


Treese:

This is all part of MLC. I am sure you are getting accustomed to those behaviors by now.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 03:27 PM
Originally Posted By: glamgirl
Sounds like a nice ending to the day. My h comes over today while I work. Haven't seen him or heard from him since Wed, didn't expect to though. If I did that would mean he was unpredictable. Don't know what to expect.


That is why we all should have zero expectations. Hopefully, your day will be a nice one.
Posted By: Treese Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 07:37 PM
Yes SF....I'm really learning how to deal with him....I used to feel so anxious and walk on eggshells but now what can I do....so I TRY to do my best...sometimes I fail but the majority of the time I can speak to him normally....sometimes I forget he's gone.....but he reminds me quickly.....
Posted By: Truelove Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 07:46 PM
Hi Steelers,
I am happy that you had a nice day with H, and that you feel better. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 11:51 PM
H came by and told me he got sick lastnight.

He told me he has been having a stomach problem that happens everyday now. I asked him if he gets if more at one time over another and he said no, it just starts during the day.

We did have this talk about illness and cancer and how it seems so many are dying young as a result.

I am not going to push him to have it checked as he will have to make that decision but I do believe God works in ways to bring these MLCers to their knees and do what is right.

Anyone remember how Bob (from Charlyne Cares.....) was struck with illness after illness?
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/13/08 11:57 PM
Originally Posted By: Truelove
Hi Steelers,
I am happy that you had a nice day with H, and that you feel better. (((HUGS)))


Thanks, TL!! I am not on the computer much this weekend and I am reading a little at a time so if you don't see me posting much, it is not because I am ignoring you and others but I will check in much later.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/14/08 04:10 AM
Well, H was here and I again asked him about his stomach ailments.

He said it hits him in the middle of the day and says he thinks it is nerves more than anything.

Then I kept thinking: What does he have to be nervous about??? I am not pressuring him but God is most likely working on him, and who knows if OW is not pressuring him? I think they just co-exist but once again, I am praying about all of this.
Posted By: Truelove Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/14/08 08:09 PM
Hi Steelers,
Quote:
so if you don't see me posting much, it is not because I am ignoring you and others but I will check in much later.
That is OK. I don't expect people to post all the time. Have a nice and relaxing day. (((HUGS)))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/14/08 11:06 PM
Thanks, TL!

It is difficult for me to get on here at times as I have four teens who also want access to the computer.

I hate to rush to read the postings and I hate to post so hastily as well.

It has been a quiet day.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 06:02 AM
got some texts tonight and of course he said i love you. i asked him how he was feeling and he said better. then he said he would talk to me tomorrow.

do you know how badly i wanted to tell him that i hate his living arrangement????? i kept my mouth shut.
Posted By: SirPrizeMe Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 02:24 PM
SF, heya once again.
I haven't been keeping up but just read a month of posts from you. (It's a different experience to read em all at one go.)

Here's my $0.02 (and no charge for this!)

  • Then I kept thinking: What does he have to be nervous about??? Maybe it is just facing all the stuff he has done. If he comes back he has to really admit how bad he has been for so long. Or, maybe he is nervous about the commitment that reconciling will mean. The realization that if he comes back, he has to be committed this time. No kidding. No backing out. No more escapes. He has to be accountable. Can't come and go as he pleases. Maybe that feels like a scary thing - that commitment.
  • I also noticed that while you are very good at holding your tongue with him. So good, it seems in some cases that you could share more. Of course there is no way for me to have better insight into this that you do. It's just an idea. like just now, you wrote "how badly I wanted to tell him that I hate his living arrangement." I wonder, what's the right thing in that case? You've already talked of a 2nd honeymoon, of escaping to the greek isles, ... That seems pretty intimate. I know you want to avoid pressure - he doesn't need more of that. But could you say it gently without pressure? Very quietly or maybe in a very few words, almost offhanded. like a toss-off comment. Some people call it "truth darts." Or maybe a better message is that you need him.

    of course, who am I to give you advice - you have been patiently standing for a long time and staying in contact with him, and it has worked for you so far.
  • I also notice that you tend to hold back here on the forums, whenever there is something a little too close to home. You wrote of a situation where H blamed you, but you didn't go into any details at all. You explicitly said you didn't want to.
    Quote:
    I've just had a rough few days and I really don't want to go into all the details.

    Not to mention that H made me out to look like the bad guy and I just listened to him talk and when he sounded very calm again and said he better get back to work, I just hung up on him.

    Sharing with us is your prerogative. I certainly understand someone who doesn't want to let everything out here. Is there anything about you that makes you want to pull back from sharing habitually?
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 03:18 PM
Okay let me try and answer your ?'s the best I can.

I think his coming home would be like coming into a pressure cooker. Not with me but because of what I have gone thru with S17. S17 has been known to do a dad said this and that and make me out to look like the bad person when it comes to rules and discipline. I do not think H will be back home until S moves out.

Now it would be pressure for me to tell him I don't like his living arrangement and that I need him. I base that on what I have said about what I have been thru with S17.

I hold back, yes, because I have to. It is not about H or about me, and if H did come home, I think we would have a lot of trouble due to what is going on with S17. I cannot really spell it out more than that.

I think sometimes we forget that MLCers such as my husband who it seems like I can talk to quite easily these days, has his moments, too.

He shows he is sorry in his own way. I accept that.
Posted By: Bworl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 04:16 PM
Just my opinion, but if your S17 is all that's holding your husband back from coming home, and if it's all about the pressure that he would face dealing with S17 and his antics, what in the world is H going to do the first time you all have a rocky moment? Bail again?

I just don't buy these MLC'ers for whom life has to suddenly be perfect before they can return. Life is not perfect. It never is. The life YOU have been living has been FAR from perfect, in large part due to his abandoning his family. And no, I don't mean financially.

There does appear to be a decent amount of chaos in your house SF. On the one hand you seem to hold off on dealing with it, wanting H to take charge a bit. On the other hand you tell us that H is not capable of handling that chaos and that's why he's not coming home.

I think your husband has a pretty good setup in terms of being able to pay the bills and avoid as much as possible the stresses of making a household work on a limited income, and deal with teenage children and their friends. Pretty good deal indeed.

Personally, I think it's long past time that H got a bit of a reality check. MLC or no damned MLC, he's left you footing the bill. While he drinks, you worry. While he runs off to OW and his life there, you deal with the kids here.

It's not fair.

And to hold him up as though he is some noble MLC'er is just wishful thinking. Time for him to step up and man up.

Again, just MY humble opinion.


Blessings,

Bill
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 04:26 PM
SF - I'm sorry, but I have to agree with Bill in many ways.

Your H is being worked on by God, yes, but he also has escaped TRUE responsibility for years without any real consequences for his actions.

I'm just curious why you seem to make so many excuses for his bad behavior. Do you think that if you criticize the way he handles or doesn't handle things that it would somehow open a window you can't close?

Just thinking of you SF and how much CRAP H has left you holding the bag for. It makes me so upset for you!

((((((((SF)))))))))
Posted By: ACJ Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 05:45 PM
SF,
Like you I have had a difficult home life with my teens both before and since my H left. In fact I think one of the things that pushed his MLC to the forefront was the behaviour my D18 (then 15) had been exhibiting for some time. Interestingly she got her act together not long after he left.

Unlike you I don't see my H -at all. Not through my choice, through his and OWs protestations that he have nothing to do with me. As of today he is also reneging on his financial commitments to his family.

I want to be a little like you and keep turning the other cheek but it is getting harder and harder. Due to his latest actions I now have to go and very quickly find a third job just to keep my family solvent. This is solely b/c my S15 has gone to live with H.

I really don't know how you keep your cool. I'm finding it harder and harder as the seconds tick by never mind the days. Right now all I want to do is go and kick my Hs front door down but then where would that get me? Whatever I do he just kicks me down a little further. I am determined to keep my dignity but meanwhile my family and my health is suffering.

Take care
Posted By: SirPrizeMe Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 07:47 PM
Whoa! I didn't mean to set off a barrage SF.
Sorry 'bout that. I was just offering food for thought. I don't presume to say "It's HIGH TIME that such-and-such happened!" or something like that. I think you have learned that things happen in their due course. Patience is a virtue. Etc.

You are very accepting of the circumstances you find yourself in, and that seems to be a very good thing. If I were to come in here and get indignant on your behalf, that would be ME showing you my limits.

Like I said, I was just offering food for thought. And also, I thought I'd respond to let you know that I'm here. Still rooting and praying for ya.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 07:54 PM
Let's just say that yes, I am not going to take control of the situation. If I were to get involved, tell H what to do, give ultimatums, that is taking back control of a situation. That might be okay for some but I allowed God to take that control back because when I had taken things in my own hands, it went from bad to worse.

This will work out in God's timing NOT mine.

I accept that and really, things are okay between H and I. He has to choose when he is ready to come back fully committed.
Posted By: Truelove Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/15/08 09:54 PM
Just wanted to say hi. Have a nice day.
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 12:05 AM
Steelers,
Quote:
That might be okay for some but I allowed God to take that control back because when I had taken things in my own hands, it went from bad to worse.

This will work out in God's timing NOT mine.

I accept that and really, things are okay between H and I. He has to choose when he is ready to come back fully committed.
I think you are doing well with letting God take control. It seems that you learned how to do that from experience. ANd yes, I too have to keep reminding myself that my H will return in God's timing. At least things are good between your H and you now, all that affection and ILYs. I wish my H would be that way with me now.
Posted By: Maya44 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 01:23 AM
Still impressed with your great and calm attitude SF! \:\) Hope you had a good day!
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 02:22 AM
Thanks, Dar.

I am doing fine. Hope you are well, too.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 03:27 AM
SF - I hope you weren't offended by what I had to say. Truly, your patience amazes me. I am trying to understand how long is just too long.

How long do you plan to let this go on? That's what my biggest question is. How do you keep faith that H is going to come back some day and not just playing with you?

I understand the God's timing is not our own and we can not ever know when or if He is going to turn things. I watch ripple effect of the trauma my H is causing in our lives and I am powerless to do anything about it. God's love is here for me and my family but God does not expect us to be sitting in wait forever. We are supposed to follow his direction and act on it. If you never act, never DO anything, you are stagnant - not just still.

That's why I'm trying to understand where in your struggle you found any reason to continue. What was it?
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 03:41 AM
First let me say that how you handle your own individual situation is entirely up to you and between you and God.

You know your spouse better than anyone here and you know what he was like before he was taken captive by the enemy.

Who says some do nothing? Some of us who are standing pray, rely on faith, have an inner-peace as a result and also, when one allows God to fully control the situation, there is less conflict internally because God promises that He answers prayer. It is all about faith. When people take matters into their own hands, there is more turmoil and conflict.

In I Corinthians 7:10-11 it talks about how a wife should not depart from her husband and if she does, she is not to remarry. It also says a husband is not to divorce his wife.

The reason I continue with my stand is because I know what God has promised me and I know what my husband says to me. Sure, we have our ups and downs but he will be back when he is ready and in God's timing.

I know my husband better than anyone here and he is coming back.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 03:55 AM
((((SF))))

I'm proud of you!!!! I wish I had your strength & patience.

Way to go!!!
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 03:57 AM
NLT:

You will get there. It takes lots of time. It is not something that just happened. It is a gradual process.

Hang in there!!
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 04:03 AM
Steelers,
Quote:
The reason I continue with my stand is because I know what God has promised me and I know what my husband says to me. Sure, we have our ups and downs but he will be back when he is ready and in God's timing.

I know my husband better than anyone here and he is coming back.
I agree that this is between each LBS and God. Keep up the good work and sticking to your conviction and God's promise to you.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 05:00 AM
Amazing SF, simply amazing.

I have faith that God will bring me and my son through this. No doubt about that. I just know my H and when he decides he's moving on, he's moving on. I think I'm just having a hard time reconciling that to myself.

The bible also provides two reasons that divorce is permitted by God. 1 Corinthians 7:15 - But if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace. My H has that one covered. Also, in Matthew 5:32 and in Matthew 19:7-8 that divorce was not what God had originally intended however if the spouse commits adultery then divorce is permitted (loose translation). I only put this here so that others may know that even if their M's come to divorce that in the eyes of God they are fully within their biblical rights if their sitch fits one of these passages. I would hate for anyone to think that God would punish someone for a D under these circumstances. These reasons do not mean you must D, only that you are permitted.

I'm really happy that you are able to maintain your faith through all of the crud. You are so strong and resilient. God will surely smile on you SF.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 05:37 AM
I think it is a matter of interpretation because many do not believe in divorce.

My H is also a believer in Christ.
Posted By: ACJ Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 07:58 AM
SF. I admire your strength and determination. I'm one of those who do not believe in D and not just b/c of the biblical interpretations. However with modern law the way it is I am being forced into a D. I can fight it all I like (whether it be biblical or physical) BUT here the law is on the side of the person who does want the D. It doesn't matter what they did or why they did it a judge will not make someone stay M if they do not want to be. That's the saddest thing of all. D is way to easy for those who think they want it.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 01:43 PM
ACJ:

If your spouse files for divorce there is not much you can do and yes, we do live in a world where divorce runs rampant and it is an easy way out.

I really did not intend for this thread to become a heated theological debate.
Posted By: IRMAT Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 04:50 PM
SF, I saw where they disagreed with you yesterday.. and I stand behind your beliefs also, because the Bible does say that it hates divorce..

and those that spoke out on this and they said that your h pretty much had not been punished for any of his wrong ways I read it as that you should stand your ground and let him reap the consequences of his actions..
but I think you are being and doing exactly what the Lord wants you to do.Who are we to judge and to punish, that is God's job.

I saw that after those things were said you were not on for very much after that.. I dont know if it was due to those things said but you are doing what you believe and know it is what god wants..

your h will one day have to explain to the Lord why he did what he did and God will see to it he will get his rewards by his actions on this earth...

I think you are terrific in standing and being obedient to our Lord our father... You are almost done with all this and you will have a marriage better than ever and it will be centered around God almighty.

Have a blessed day in Jesus name.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 05:04 PM
Thank you, IRMAT, for your post.

I did not want this to turn into a heated debate BUT I do want to say that my H has told me that nobody knows the torment he is going thru internally. He said nobody will ever know that kind of pain.

I believe him, and he has had stomach problems for awhile now due to nerves.

God is working, no doubt about it.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 05:53 PM
SF - God is absolutely working on him. I never wanted a debate either. I thought it might just be important that others who may not know God's word well know that God hates divorce but doesn't not hate the divorced. In so many cases the D is through no fault or control of our own. Also, we are given two "outs" that permit us to D if need be.

I am asking you so many questions because I truly want to know how you made your decision to stand through all of this time. I find myself shifting back and forth between standing and giving up and wonder what the catalyst was for you to realize there was any possibility at all that God was not just easing your way to D.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 05:59 PM
I never, ever waivered in my stand. I made that decision when I first discovered the A.

I always stood and yes, it would be easy to give up but I am not.

I guess I don't have much to say except that the decision was made from the gitgo but allowing God to control this to the fullest, that tool awhile but I did it.
Posted By: SirPrizeMe Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 07:28 PM
Good for you! And good for us, too! You are an inspiration.
Posted By: ACJ Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 07:29 PM
Quote:
You are an inspiration

I'll second that.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 07:32 PM
That's great SF! I truly am in awe of you.

I don't think I have the strength to do that. I feel like my soul is too bruised and battered by the betrayal to be able to take my H back especially in the non-remorseful, non-repentant attitude he gives me.

I will keep praying for you and your H as well as your kids.

God Bless SF!!!
Posted By: ACJ Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 07:47 PM
As I read others posts and see thier timeline in thier signatures it never ceases to amaze me how many of the WAS leave or drop bombs at Christmas and other holiday times. how can they do that?
Posted By: HeartScared Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 08:24 PM
Mishka422,

There was a time where I too thought the Bible permitted divorce due to adultery then I read it myself and I did not see it at all. Instead I saw that fornication was the only allowable reason. God does not give any outs when it comes to marriage. Through research I found that fornication means sex BEFORE marriage. In Biblical times if a man found this to be true of his soon to be bride then he could stop the marriage, however once married it was not allowed.

I do not want to start a huge debate on this either, but I do not want people to think that there are "outs". The Bible also states very clearly that if a divorce were to happen both parties are to either remain single or reconcile with eachother. If either party marries a new partner it is considered adultery. That part always seems to be left out.

Jesus explained that the only reason Abraham gave certificates of divorce was due to hardened heartS, meaning both wife and husband grew a hard heart. But in the majority of the situations on this board both hearts are not hard. Jesus also explained that what God has put together let no one put asunder, which is why marrying someone new is looked at as adultery.

For marriage restoration and reconciliation only one spouse needs to stand in agreement with God. Marriage is a threecord covenant between man, wife and God. We need to fully trust God and He will heal our families.

I hope this information helps you to become more solidified in your stand for your marriage. I did a lot of research on this last year and even did the Hebrew cross references. You find a lot of articles on this topic online as well. I implore you to go back to your Bible and read it for yourself. Do not just read one verse, read all the verses around them and the entire chapters as well that helps you to get the clear meaning and message. We need to be careful with loose interpretations because when it comes to the Bible a loose interpretation can give a completely different meaning than what was originally meant.

Steelersfan has had so many amazing things happen in her sitch in the time I have known her. Amazing amazing things and turns. Her husband is on his way home 100%. When we have patience and never give up we are blessed tenfold.


Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 09:56 PM
Originally Posted By: ACJ
As I read others posts and see thier timeline in thier signatures it never ceases to amaze me how many of the WAS leave or drop bombs at Christmas and other holiday times. how can they do that?


They are not in their right minds at any time but you are right, what a time to do that? I am sure glad it did not happen to us like that. I can only imagine how much worse it would have felt.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 09:59 PM
HS:

Thank you for your post. Hopefully, it will give some a better understanding of Scripture. I sometimes think it is not until they go thru this and seek out Scripture and do a lot of research what the Bible says do they find what It really says.

I don't think anyone would be offended at all at your post.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 10:01 PM
Yeah, trust me, Christmas will never hold the same feeling for me ever again. I will rejoice in God's gift to us in Jesus Christ but I will never be able to have the same glee I once had about the time with my family because it is not complete and never will be again.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 11:30 PM
SF,

I too feel like Mishka when she said when her H is moving on he means he is moving on. But in my case my H has never done this before & doesn't know the OW very well or didn't before he moved in with her.

I'm so proud of you for standing for your M. I always felt at the beginning of all of this that I would not be D or my H would come back to me. I'm not sure why I had those feelings but I did.

While cleaning out the attic, I'm finding so many of his things & I think they will be here when he comes home. But I really don't know that for sure! I hope he does but I'm not sure. I just keep praying.

You are a wonderful person & I admire you!!!!

(((HUGS)))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 11:38 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Yeah, trust me, Christmas will never hold the same feeling for me ever again. I will rejoice in God's gift to us in Jesus Christ but I will never be able to have the same glee I once had about the time with my family because it is not complete and never will be again.


I am so sorry, Mishka. I cannot even imagine. Since H has been gone, he has been here for every holiday. It would not be the same if he were not here.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/16/08 11:40 PM
nlt:

Seems that many leave things behind. They just take enough out to get by with.

My H still has all of his tools here, a carton of motor oil, etc.

He has his CD's, the bills and things of that nature locked up at work, some clothes where he lives, and yet some more bags of clothes in his trunk which have been there for over two years!!!
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 04:00 AM
SF,

It is amazing how much they leave. I think my H was just trying to get out of here, that is the way it appeared anyway.

I hope he is having second thoughts by now & the grass is not greener on the other side like he thought they would be.
Posted By: MissH Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 04:07 AM
My H took practically everything of his. \:\(

As a matter of fact, one of the first things he grabbed were his leather biker boots from high school.

He never even owned a bike, but that was his style of clothing back then.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 04:18 AM
I still laugh at the fact that H puts his personal stuff (actually our personal stuff like bills) locked away at work. And to think he has a few bags of clothes in the trunk--they are like gypsies!!! Makes for a quick escape from where they are at, I suppose.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 04:41 AM
Oh, I think I mentioned about a week ago that I had written to my boss about my job being posted on the district web site and asked if I was released of my duties?

I never heard from her but yesterday, I received a xerox copy of a letter from the district dated July 11th, telling me they were not renewing my "contract." No reason given.

Well, I know why and it was because I sympathized with a mother who was worried about her child and how she was going to handle the pending divorce. Yep, I was told that was a no-no as I shared confidential information with a parent.

I know it is stupid..........

My H thinks it is ridiculous, too.
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 04:53 AM
Steelers,
Quote:
Well, I know why and it was because I sympathized with a mother who was worried about her child and how she was going to handle the pending divorce. Yep, I was told that was a no-no as I shared confidential information with a parent.
It's ridiculous, really... What happened to old-fashioned compassion?
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 04:56 AM
I finally told my mom what happened. She used to work for another school district about 35 miles from here. She said this really does happen. I explained the situation to her and she said even though I did nothing wrong, you have to watch everything that comes out of your mouth. I told her it was not even in front of kids and she said it is like that here.

Not my kind of place to work in. It is as if we have robots programmed walking around the schools.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:06 AM
I know what you mean SF. We half jokingly call my son's middle school "the Stepford school" because they all are expected to behave in a rigid manner with no deviation and walk certain ways, talk certain ways, dress a certain way and this is a public school!
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:09 AM
Back where I grew up, in the midwest, it was not that way at all. My mom was very active as PTA president when I was in grade school and my teachers were my dad's grade school teachers as well.

And everyone was very nice and almost like a family. None of this stuff that happens today.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:19 AM
SF,

You are so right, none of that stuff happens these days. I remember when we were growing up kids got paddled if they got out of hand, now the teachers get sued!!! I had a teacher who washed a boys mouth out with soap b/c he said a dirty word in the 5th grade. She would have been fired if that had happened in this day & time. (the boy had crooked teeth too, soap got stuck)LOL

I'm so sorry about your job but you seem to be okay with it. I'm glad you H is very supportive!!!
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 12:55 PM
Hi, nlt.

Hope you are better today.

I haven't heard from my H since Monday night. Hopefully, he is doing a lot of thinking.
Posted By: WCW Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 04:44 PM
Originally Posted By: steelersfan
Back where I grew up, in the midwest, it was not that way at all. My mom was very active as PTA president when I was in grade school and my teachers were my dad's grade school teachers as well.

And everyone was very nice and almost like a family. None of this stuff that happens today.
Midwest is the best. \:\)

I hope you find a better nicer place to work.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 04:52 PM
I really miss the midwest--four seasons and lots of other stuff.

The job market is pretty tough right now but something will come along.

I wanted to mention something on my thread. So many know my faith but I also wanted to say that I become down and out like so many others here.

For example, H is choosing to distance himself from us this week and this is when the devil works so hard on me that i start to feel like i just want to rip him apart.

and this is when they do the most thinking, when they are quiet.

but at least i recognize that the devil is hard at work and i try to combat it by praying which helps but it is a real battle for me this week. i certainly don't feel this bad when i am in constant contact with him.

i just wanted to say, i get frustrated too, but i pull myself back up and get back on track.

S17 is really working hard. He really needed this job and needed a change in his lifestyle.

he will be working full time and the last few nights, he comes home, just relaxes for awhile, goes to bed, starts another day. He is pretty tired.

today is a private grand opening for families with free meals,but the girls and i cannot attend unless H comes by to pick us up. not sure if he will even come all the way up here for this--i kind of doubt it.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:04 PM
Where is it that S17 is working SF?
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:06 PM
At a new restaurant that is opening up which is a chain but it is not a fast food place like McD's or BK.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:08 PM
That's good. What type of food is it? What will S17 be doing there?
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:12 PM
Burgers, onion rings, fries, wings, milkshakes, malts...........

He is doing food prep, making shakes, and whatever they have him do.

This place is interesting in that he gets minimum wage paychecks and each night, he receives 2% of the sales for the duration of the time he works. Not bad for a kid.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:34 PM
Hmmmm...that is an interesting pay schedule. 2% of the sales is pretty sweet! Hopefully they do a brisk business.

((((((Sf)))))))))
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:36 PM
Yeah, from what I understand they make a lot of money. One of the servers was saying she easily makes $200 on any given weekend night just on tips!
Posted By: ACJ Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:48 PM
Mishka I know exactly what you mean about Christmas. Although my h left just one month before and he was here for the day on that first christmas we were apart he spent the whole day talking to someone in the toilet on his mobile. He kept saying it was his friend from the gym (who I have never met and probably doesn't eixst) but I later found out it was OW. They had met just a week before and she was calling him from Czech Republic where her family still live.

Last year we went away for Christmas and I would like to do that every year but the children don't want to repeat the experience. I'm really torn b/c Christmas day in particular is really hard for me. This year will be worse b/c my S15 has moved in with H so he probably won't be here either.

SF I'm sorry you are having a down week.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:54 PM
Hi SF,

Well if you read on my thread you can tell I'm not having a very good day either.

I'm sorry your H is distant to you this week but at least he is moving forward. I know you have ups & downs like we all do but you have been so strong & faithful, you are an inspiration!!

Thank you for being here for us as you know we are here for you also!!

(((HUGS)))
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 05:55 PM
ACJ,
My H spent Xmas & New Years in another state with OW. Talk about being a rough time!!! It was!!!!
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 06:18 PM
It is more frustrating then down but i will get thru it. Since we seem to be able to talk about most everything, it is a little difficult but i will survive.
Posted By: happynow Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 07:08 PM
SF,

I know you will!!! You have been thru so much!


(((HUGS)))
Posted By: Truelove Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 11:19 PM
Hi Steelers,
I am sorry you have a down and frustrated day. I do understand you though!

Thank goodness your son enjoyes his work and is not up to any mischief.

I hope your H will show up again on the week-end, and you might be able to relax a bit. Have a lovely time.
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/17/08 11:57 PM
I am doing okay!!

H never did call S17 today to find out more about the grand opening for family members. And of course, the girls and I are unable to go as we have no transportation.

S17 will be working until after midnight so I won't see him until tomorrow.

H will be here over the weekend. He always is.
Posted By: plentyhope Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/18/08 04:33 AM
Steelers, Glad you are doing okay! Hang in there with the praying and praising God. I bet your H will make it up to you on the weekend!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/19/08 02:19 PM
How's it going SF?
Posted By: MidwesternGirl Re: Steeler Fan 07/09/08 - 07/19/08 02:20 PM
Good. I started a new thread as I knew this one would lock soon.
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