I have been camping in the MLC forum since day 1 (19 months ago), even though my H isn't an MLCer as far as I can tell. Since my
last thread locked, I figured it is the right time to move to a more suitable forum. So here I am in the WAS forum.
Here's the last post in the previous thread:
PH,
I am glad if anything I write helps.
He has never tried to use the sex to build up your hopes ever. Why do you say this? I am curious what made you come to this conclusion.
I believe this b/c of what you've written about this before. The answer is in your own words:
At the beginning of the S, he refused to have intimacy with me at all because he was convinced in his own mind that we were divorced and he didn't want to give me false hopes.
A user wouldn't care about anything or anyone but himself.
From a conversation we had back in Sep 2006, he confirmed (by asking me) my primary love language - acts of service.
It seems that he became more cognizant of it after that and made more of an effort to love me that way.
But sometimes, I wonder if he does them out of guilt. What do you think? I ask because I don't know if sometimes I question out of fear of getting it all wrong and getting hurt by the overly optimistic evaluation/thoughts.
What I see is a man who ASKED you what was important to you. And he listened to what you said was your love language, listened to what matters to you and then chose to act upon it.
How could there be anymore clear of a message that he LISTENED, and CARES -- than by his ACTING upon it!!
I think you need to just accept his gifts and stop over analyzing them. I don't see guilt...I see love.
There is always a risk in love. You have to be willing to take the risk to hopefully get the rewards. Trust your H and more importantly trust God.
Stay patient and stop looking for answers in all the wrong places. You are doing just fine.
: You are so right. I am driving myself crazy by over-analyzing. I need to keep working on trusting my H and God, and be less afraid of getting hurt. I have built such a solid and thick shield around myself (over many many years - from early childhood) to keep away from hurt. Now it's a huge job to chisel away the shield bit by bit. Thanks for validating and reassuring.
BTW, you were the
THIRD angel that God sent me yesterday to encourage me.
THANK YOU!!
PH,
I think you're in the WRONG forum!!! LOL!
Did you read the introduction post for this forum??????
New forum for Walk Away Spouses
by sgctxokModeratorHi everyone, this is a new forum to allow those who have chosen to walk away to help and support each other.
Feel free to sign in here, if you'd like.
It isn't for the LBS of a WAS!!
Personally, I think you should just stay in
MLC b/c you're so established there. It really doesn't matter IMO what the forum is called -- who cares? It is about getting support.
I've noticed that people suddenly decide it is time to "move" to another forum -- but it rarely works for them b/c they've made so many friends and connections on the old forum -- and once they "move" to another forum -- they usually lose those people and miss them -- so they end up returning to the original forum.
Piecing and
Surviving the Divorce are IMO the only truly unique forums -- very much geared towards a very specific stage. Other than that I think it just depends on where you first get started and develop connections.
Obviously you need to be wherever you feel you need to be -- but I truly don't think you'll get much response for your thread on this forum.
But whatever you decide is fine with me!! I just found your move to this forum puzzling!
Summer, Thanks for chekcing out my new thread.
PH,
I think you're in the WRONG forum!!! LOL!
Did you read the introduction post for this forum??????
New forum for Walk Away Spouses
by sgctxokModeratorHi everyone, this is a new forum to allow those who have chosen to walk away to help and support each other.
Feel free to sign in here, if you'd like.
It isn't for the LBS of a WAS!!
Personally, I think you should just stay in
MLC b/c you're so established there. It really doesn't matter IMO what the forum is called -- who cares? It is about getting support.
As usual, you are right! I did NOT read the forum introduction. I should have. Instead I read a couple of the threads which were created by LBSs of WASs. That's why. I misunderstood the purpose of this forum. I will have to move back either to MLC or to "Separated Now What".
I've noticed that people suddenly decide it is time to "move" to another forum -- but it rarely works for them b/c they've made so many friends and connections on the old forum -- and once they "move" to another forum -- they usually lose those people and miss them -- so they end up returning to the original forum.
I see your point. The reason I chose to move is because I thought the MLCers' LBSs' situations are different from mine and so may get confused by my way of handling my situation and also won't feel inclined to offer nuggets of wisdom to me, since they won't feel like they relate to my situation at all.
Obviously you need to be wherever you feel you need to be -- but I truly don't think you'll get much response for your thread on this forum.
I am sure you're right about this one. You're the only who has posted on my thread so far. And that's because you know me from the MLC thread. I will think about where to leave my thread. I wonder if it's possible to move an existing thread to a different forum or whether the only way is to start another thread in the "new" forum.
But whatever you decide is fine with me!! I just found your move to this forum puzzling!
Maybe I did it for just that reason - to confuse you! No - just KIDDING.
Hey, I hope one day I get to meet you in person. That would be SO cool.
Love, PH
I don't know what happened. The last few pages of my thread seem to have been deleted. I hope they can be retrieved.
A brief summary of the last few days: I emailed my H about his suggestion (back in Dec/Jan) to schedule time to work on the basement. I asked to to let me know what suited him. I sent with that email a whole bunch of info - my picture at a work party, and the boys' email exchange about upcoming my vacation, festival, snow shovelling miracle, hoping to email me before V-Day, etc.
Anyway, he responded asking for my schedule next week. I responded with Mon or Thu and that I could re-schedule my Tue outing if necessary. He responded back with Mon. So he's coming over Mon evening. I bet he's wondering whether I am going away for my vacation after all and where.
Shucks--too bad it wasn't for Thursday.
Let's look at it this way, regardless of the day or holiday, he is still coming over to see you and help out. You are fortunate to have him doing things for you.
Steelers,
Shucks--too bad it wasn't for Thursday.
I know - that's OK.
Let's look at it this way, regardless of the day or holiday, he is still coming over to see you and help out. You are fortunate to have him doing things for you.
It probably would have been disrespectful to the holiday for him to spend it doing basement work instead of going on a date. Agree - I am happy he's dong stuff for me. I am going to cook him dinner (finally) - taking ISLH's advice. Just something very simple. He may still be on a diet.
It would sure impress him if you cooked something he is able to eat. I think he would like that very much.
Steelers, Thanks - yeah, I think he'll be pleasantly surprised. He is picky so with the diet, as well, it limits what I can offer him. It should be fine though.
I just found out that the missing parts of this thread is in the "Walk-Away-Spouse" forum. It might have something to do with the move from that forum back to the MLC forum... This is the link to the missing posts:
My Missing Posts (from this thread)
PH
Thank you
I ordered the book
peace
peace, Hooray for getting the book. Let me know what you think of it. I have also found "The Power of a Praying Wife" (by Stormie Omartian) very helpful. Having the structured prayers which cover the many aspects in my H's life really helped me pray effectively and I have seen answers to my prayers. The author also wrote "The Power Of a Praying Husband" for men.
I got it from Amazon.com (where I get most of my books because it's cheaper than the bookstores).
Hi ISLH,
Wow, sounds like your H has been waiting to hear from you and wanting to make plans for the work in the basement next week?
It's interesting you say that he was waiting to hear from me. It's interesting to note that my email (which consisted of an email exchange over a couple of weeks with the boys), covered quite a few topics - boys promising to email me before V-day, boys hoping I have a nice "festival", me telling the boys about the driveway "miracle", me attaching a picture taken at a work event, me bringing up that he reminded me twive about the basement and me saying to just let me know what suits him (in terms of his schedule).
BTW, did you book a vacation yet?
What a coincidence you asked! I JUST booked it last night. I am going to that place - really looking forward to 1 week of it.
My cousin has the same dog as you and she told me she has to put him down. It's so sad and made me think about you today.
Oh,
so sad. Why did he have to be put down? It's sweet of you to think of me and of my dog who passed away. You know, my baby's 1st anniversary of being gone is exactly 2 weeks away. I think I am going to email about it on that day to remind my H.
BTW, V-Day is also a very significant day to me for another reason. This year, V-Day will be my 7th anniversary of my cancer survival. I am thinking of celebrating it somehow - maybe go out to lunch with a friend. If not, I'll go out by myself.
Yesterday, it was nice going out to lunch with some co-workers to celebrate a festival. Today, met up with a group of former co-workers. We had some good laughs. Tonight, I went to the dance studio for ballroom night. I had to force myself to go because it seemed such an effort to drive there and walk around in the snow. BUT, I had an awesome time there. It was Tango lesson tonight - nice dance. Also danced Rumba, Cha Cha, Waltz, Fox Trot, East Coast Swing, Lindy Hop.
Hope all is well with you too. Hope you got in to your singing class.
Hugs,
PH
Yesterday evening, my H was later than usual. I sent him a VM to ask if he was still planning on coming over.
H: Just gotoff the train in <my town>. Do you want to still do tonight? It's up to you.
Me: Sure.
H: I'll be there in half an hour.
Me: Oh, you don't have to stop to get a bite to eat. I cooked something you something you can eat.
H: Great.
As we sat down to eat, he thanked me for dinner. He never used to thank me when I cooked a meal, something that hurt me deeply. I was touched by his thanks this time.
Steelers, he loved what I cooked him. It was a spicy marinated beef roast I got from a store. I put it in a slow cooker so it was all ready when I got home. He even asked how I cooked it and insisted I showed him the packaging (because he wanted to get it). I told him he could take the rest of cooked meat with him. He was thrilled.
Anyway, he took his time working on the basement. It was great team effort. When we were done, I asked if he wanted a back massage. He said he wanted a neck massage.
So he got a very long neck and back massage. He was in NO hurry to leave, unusual because he used to say he had to leave to get up early for work.
Anyway, we had a good "together" time after that. He fell asleep at 11:30pm. I let him sleep and did some work until 2am.
-------
BTW, while working on the basement, I told him I was going on vacation and he asked why I picked the destination.
Me: I heard people say good things about it.
H: I tell everyone that our cruise was the best time I ever had.
Me: I know.
.
.
Me: My sister has been pestering that I should go on a vacation.
H: She's looking out for you.
Me: Yes, she wants me to relax.
.
.
During his back massage, we talked about watching movies and DVDs.
Me: Last weekend, I saw a wonderful movie "P.S. I Love You". I cried the whole time.
H: I remember how you'd cry watching "Below Zero". I was thinking you might like the movie "Puppies" but not sure.
Me: Is it on now?
H: It's coming, I think.
Me: I might like it.
Me: I need to order some more DVDs.
H: I used to love watching those DVDs with you.
Me: Did you really?
H: Yes.
Me: Would you like to watch them with me sometime?
H: That would be nice.
...
PH
I am so glad he loved what you cooked him.
Sounds like a great exchange of words between the two of you as well.
PH,
Oh, so sad. Why did he have to be put down? It's sweet of you to think of me and of my dog who passed away. You know, my baby's 1st anniversary of being gone is exactly 2 weeks away. I think I am going to email about it on that day to remind my H.
The dog had cancer. I told my cousin to be grateful for the time she had with him as the average age for a Rottweiler is 8 years and she's had him for 12. Nonetheless, it is not easy to say goodbye and do what is right for the dog as we tend to want to hang onto them.
As for your evening with your H, it sounds like it went very well. Let's see:
- he enjoyed the dinner you prepared
- he thanked you for preparing dinner
- he accepted your offer to give him a massage and enjoyed that
- enjoyed your company and conversation
You did well.
I bet he will be thinking about you while you are on vacation. He will remember how well you got along that evening and I'm sure he'll contact you as soon as you get back.
You are truly amazing and demonstrating that your life is not at a standstill because he is gone. Good on you!
Hugs,
ISLH
Steelers, Thanks.
Sounds like a great exchange of words between the two of you as well.
Yes, it seems easier for us to talk these days - ever since that day I told him how hard it was for me emotionally to be intimate and then see him leave. The R talk then seems to have made it easier for us to talk.
Hi ISLH,
The dog had cancer. I told my cousin to be grateful for the time she had with him as the average age for a Rottweiler is 8 years and she's had him for 12. Nonetheless, it is not easy to say goodbye and do what is right for the dog as we tend to want to hang onto them.
Yep, 12 years is a long life for a Rottweiler. I hope mine lives that long. Agree that no matter how long they live, it is still hard to let them go.
As for your evening with your H, it sounds like it went very well.
Yes, my post may not have been clear. He actually slept over as well.
You are truly amazing and demonstrating that your life is not at a standstill because he is gone. Good on you!
Thanks for the kind words and "pat on the back".
BTW, I forgot to post that he brought the Audrey Hepburn book (gift) he mentioned 4 weeks ago. He'd bought it for me. I was impressed that he remembered to bring it with him. He also brought me an article about a Rottweiler trained to track down whale faeces in the ocean - amazing.
I am actually contemplating sending him a VM explaining that I didn't invite him to go with me on vacation because I didn't think he'd be interested. Also contemplating apologizing for asking him to leave (before the S). It's a balancing act for me... I think I need to let him know I am not being vindictive... (since he didn't accept my Rocky Mountains trip invitation).
(((ISLH)))
PH,
Quote:
As for your evening with your H, it sounds like it went very well.
Yes, my post may not have been clear. He actually slept over as well.
Yes, I picked up on that.
The book is a sign of the love he still has for you but in a safe way without opening himself up too much, JMO.
I am actually contemplating sending him a VM explaining that I didn't invite him to go with me on vacation because I didn't think he'd be interested. Also contemplating apologizing for asking him to leave (before the S). It's a balancing act for me... I think I need to let him know I am not being vindictive... (since he didn't accept my Rocky Mountains trip invitation).
Please think long and hard about this. Why would you think that he thinks you're being vindictive? You are going away on vacation because you need to take time to relax. You don't have to explain this.
As for apologizing for asking him to leave, I wouldn't do this via vm. I think it can be said when you have another opportunity like this last one where you can express that you are sorry for ever asking him to leave. I think it may be more appropriate. It would seem to me that if you left a vm just to say that, it may scare him away if he isn't ready to get closer.
Things are going well, don't change the course.
Hugs,
ISLH
ISLH, Yep, I will re-think what you said about the apology, and the vacation clarification.
I nearly fell off my chair a few minutes ago. I received an email from my H on Valentine's Day. It was neither romantic nor mentioned V-Day. But he didn't avoid contacting me today. He may have remembered my comment in January (4-5 weeks ago). My comment went "You seem to avoid me on holidays)" and his response then was "You think too much".
His email:
Subject: Thank you
Thank you for dinner the other night.
I got an e-mail from S16#2 who said he has not been writing much. He said he is doing fine and bought some fun stuff at the convention. The time he sent his letter was 1AM.
Today is my 2 year anniversary at <current workplace>. I cannot believe it has been 2 years. The 1 terrible year I spent at <old workplace> seems much longer than these 2 years.
I do not know if I mentioned that my old boss at <old workplace> was fired.
Take care
H
I responded back wishing him Happy Anniversary and thanking him for the note. I told him I also had an anniversary. He responded back with a "Happy Anniversary" wish and stated that I should be so proud of myself for having come out of these past 7 tough years.
I have been feeling grateful for last Monday's interaction. I remember that he called me endearments a few times. He asked about my friends (one by one) and also my sisters. It really was a very comfortable interaction, and I am thankful for that.
I am going to send him an email tomorrow about the long overdue bills. I am praying that he will take the information well. I am nervous about it.
I have so much to tell him this week, and need to space it out, if possible:
1) our puppy's 1st anniversary of passing away - this Fri
2) ask him if he's interested in watching our dog during my vacation, AND taking her to hydrotherapy. He's never seen her at the pool so it'd be nice for him to do that, I think. It would be so much better for the dog to be with him than at the kennel - because she has arthritis and the kennel floor would be too hard, and cold (this time of year).
3) this Fri, there will be waltz class at the dance studio, and I am contemplating inviting him. I am nervous about asking him (for fear of getting hurt if he turns me down). He has asked me about my dancing a few times (Nov, and last Monday)
4) the bills
I just emailed my H some financial information. It's a relief because I kept this to myself since Oct 2006. It came with a cost because I paid for his expenses all this time. So I hope he receives the information positively and appreciates that I took care of it without making a deal of it. I am not making a deal of it now either. I think my email is kind and considerate. So I am leaving this to God now.
The other stuff on my list for this week will jsut have to wait....
Sounds like you are having some great interactions and the talking is getting easier.
It all takes time. At least things seem to be moving in a positive direction.
PH, I agree with SF.
Also, never be afraid of what is right.
Steelers, MMF, Thanks for the encouragement. He did respond back pretty nicely. Here's his email response:
Thank you for putting this together. I appreciate you keeping the boys and I on your insurance. I do not fully understand the breakdown and labeling. I have no doubt that you are being as honest as possible.
I think we will have to meet face to face and go over this so I can understand the breakdown a bit better.
Remember that for about 6 months I think about Dec or Jan until I moved out, I was paying all of the bills (both your share and mine) and you were paying off the mortgage very fast. We could tell exactly which months by going back to the mortgage payments and see when they jumped up. We need to figure out that amount also.
Once again, thanks for your work in organizing this, and I am sure we can come close on agreeing what we owe each other.
Try to stay warm on such a cold day.
H
What does that mean, he was paying all of the bills so he feels that it is/was okay if you paid on the health insurance?
Whatever he means, be calm and explain.
Steelers, I don't know what he meant. The spreadsheet showed everything (from Dec-June 2006), the amounts he paid for the bills and the amounts I paid. I tried to be as clear as possible. Maybe the large balance made him so nervous that it was hard for him to accept. Plus he may have thought he paid much more than he did.
I still have not responded. I think this "face-to-face" will either make or break the M. I am confident we will work it out. I see this issue as our opportunity to show each other that we can make it, with God's help.
Yes, thanks - I will be calm when explaining. Just need to remember all the details for him.
PH, it is a tough situation to have to face in the best of circumstances. Finances is difficult to discuss between spouses even on good terms. I would say that you do not have to "agree" with anything that you do not feel confident with. You can take what he believes to be accurate and reconcile it against any receipts, check stubs, etc.
Chances are that he will be trying to be honest with you but it will be his perception of the finances as he sees them. Try to keep it as non-personal as you can.
And remember, God is the one that is in control in this. Be on His side while you are discussing this and you will be fine.
PH
Thanks for the information on that book
I will get it
I like your positive attitude
that will take you far
hope the face to face interaction goes well
peace
MMF, Thanks for your insightful thoughts. I agree that finances is often a difficult topic to discuss. It was always tough for us, for sure. It's alos related to baggage from his 1st M where he felt that his xW ripped him off. I think he always worried about money and his parents have often helped him out with this and that through their generosity. SOmetimes, I think he's been spoilt by his parents generosity and sometimes I feel that he expects me to bail him out. I have paid for some big items just because he says it's not what he wants so if I want it I have to pay, e.g. expenses related to starting a family. I guess sometimes I questioned his love for me. Sometimes, things like these, makes me wonder if his efforts towards the M (before the separation) was to win my love rather than to show me true love.
Since the separation, I have been trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt. Now, I am trying to trust God to change my H, for him to take ownership of his circumstances instead of blaming his "misfortunes" or his unhappiness on me or on God.
Chances are that he will be trying to be honest with you but it will be his perception of the finances as he sees them. Try to keep it as non-personal as you can.
Well said. Yes, I have to try to keep this non-personal. This is challenging for me.
I think you'll appreciate this story: Tonight, I had a pretty horrible experience. After my dog's hydrotherapy, I put her in the car. AFter I shut the car door, I realized that the door locked (without me locking it). Not sure how it happened. My door locks have been playing up lately. Anyway, my purse and spare key and cell phone were also inside the car. The pool owner spent the next 2 hours trying to locate a locksmith. In the meantime, a cop came out to help, to no avail. SO my poor dog was freezing inside the cold, cold car with her WET fur. Finally, the locksmith showed up (2.5 hours later), and after $180, got the door unlocked. My poor dog was literally frozen. Her ears were hard from, and there was ice all over her fur. Poor baby! I think I will need to wear a necklace with my car key on it. I just got home!!!
peace, You're welcome. I got the book too (from Amazon) and it arrived last week. I haven't had a chance to read it yet but plan to. Let me know what you think of the book and of "The Prodigal's Perspective".
I like your positive attitude
that will take you far
Thanks so much for your kind words. I do really believe that a positive attitude makes a big difference. I believe the Law of Attraction works, and that thoughts become things.
Thanks for your kind wish. I did respond to my H's email, and his kind caring thought. I left it back in his court and said to let me know whtt time/day would work for him, in terms of talking face-to-face.
PH,
Your H must have been shocked to see how much he owes as he probably thought you would never ask him for the money. Take MMF's advice and don't make it personal.
When you get together to discuss, simply listen to what he says without disagreeing and arguing. Once he's said his piece, you can then give your perspective. I'm sure the numbers are clear as you've written them. I'm sure the two of you will work it out. Much time has passed that you will be discussing this logically rather than emotionally like I did just 2 months after our separation.
I hope your dog is feeling better, poor thing. I'm sure you were feeling helpless until the door was unlocked but you know that the dog knew you were there for her regardless. She could feel your love and concern for her. God was watching over the both of you.
Glad you are both home sound and safe.
Hugs,
ISLH
PH, I feel for you and your dog! It must have been panic and torture wrapped together in one tight bundle.
Dogs are amazing. We make honest mistakes (really not your fault since your locks are acting weird) and they forgive us. Even if we do something bad to them, they usually forgive us when we are in our right mind.
Amazing creatures. So full of love.
Hi ISLH,
Your H must have been shocked to see how much he owes as he probably thought you would never ask him for the money. Take MMF's advice and don't make it personal.
Yeah, I think he is in shock. I am glad I brought it up now rather than later, as the "shock" would only get worse with time.
When you get together to discuss, simply listen to what he says without disagreeing and arguing. Once he's said his piece, you can then give your perspective.
Good point. Makes sense to let him talk first.
Much time has passed that you will be discussing this logically rather than emotionally like I did just 2 months after our separation.
Yes, I am so glad I waited long enough. At least now, he has had the time to see the good in our R.
I hope your dog is feeling better, poor thing. I'm sure you were feeling helpless until the door was unlocked but you know that the dog knew you were there for her regardless. She could feel your love and concern for her. God was watching over the both of you.
Glad you are both home sound and safe.
She's feeling fine, thanks! It's a relief for sure. She is a forgiving creature, and never complains. She's SO patient and accepting.
I hope you are enjoying your time off work.
Hugs, PH
Hi MMF,
PH, I feel for you and your dog! It must have been panic and torture wrapped together in one tight bundle.
Thank you!! Yes, I was nervous and was praying that God would take care of the situation. At one point, I wondered if this was the "end" for my dog.
Dogs are amazing. We make honest mistakes (really not your fault since your locks are acting weird) and they forgive us. Even if we do something bad to them, they usually forgive us when we are in our right mind.
Agree. That's why I so appreciate dogs. I have only had Rotties, and know how affectionate and loyal they are. They are stoic - never complaining. It must be truly unbearable to them, by the time you hear a complaint from them. My other puppy (a year ago) didn't even cry when in deep deep pain from his bowel perforation. Yes, they are so full of love.
Wow, I really got hit badly by the cold or flu or something! Been sick since Fri but today it took a bad turn and been blowing my nose every 2 minutes. My eye has been tearing and discharging all day - maybe infection. Teeth feel painful. Got s bit of a chill too. Maybe I have the flu plus eye infection.
It was awful walking my dog in the cold cold weather while feeling this sick.
I almost called my H to come take care of my dog for a few days!
The flu and colds and strep throat keep going around here , too. And many times, it does not fully go away or people have to get a different antibiotic as the ones they were on just are not working!
Take care of yourself or ask H to bring you some chicken soup-lol!!
Steelers, Thanks - yes, I am so tempted to send him a VM but don't know if he's mad at me about the bills news. "Act as if" thoughts have been coming to my mind off and on - to act as if he's loving, compassionate, kind and warm towards me, despite the bills. Still haven't heard back from him since Monday...
My stepson #1 also caught the flu this week. He emailed me about it on Monday saying he stayed home for it.
The sudden change in temperature sure doesn't help things...
Guess what? Today, I plucked up my courage and emailed my H about being sick and also attached the boys' latest email thread. In my email, I said if I got sicker, I may need his help to watch the dog.
He was very nice. Even though, it took him a few hours to respond, his response said how sorry he was that I was sick and hoped I'd get better soon. He also said to please let him know if he can help.
A few hours later, I responded saying that I need to stay out of the cold so I can recover ASAP since I have so much to get done before leaving on vacation. I said that if I didn't get my stuff done, I'd get in trouble with my boss and higher. That I have added stress from this worry.
I said it'd be great if he could walk the dog for a day or so, whether it would be easier for him to take the dog with him or for him to come over.
He replied right away saying "I will come over tonight and walk the dog.
So he came over. He called me twice.
Call #1: to tell me when he was coming over and that he won't be coming into the house becasue he didn't want to catch my flu. I was to get the dog ready and hand her over to him.
Call #2: to tell me he was 10 minutes away.
Anyway, he came and said "Hi Hon" from the driveway. I was in the house. "Sorry you're sick" He didn't look at me at all even when he took the leash from me.
After he got back,
H: Do you want me to come over in the morning?
Me: If you can, that'd be good.
H: What time do you go to work?
Me: I may work from home.
H: If I can make it, I will call you.
Then he looked at me and said "Sorry you're sick". He said "Sorry" about 2-3 times then.
He treated me like a leper and it really hurt. I think he apologized because he knew he was hurting my feelings by treating me like a leper. If we were not separated, wouldn't he have to be close to me? He'd be in the same house, etc. I didn't understand why he treated me this way. Was he really so worried about catching the flu? Nobody at work even treated me like that today. Or was he worried I'd ask him about the bills?
Somehow, it hurt that he wasn't even trying to take care of me. It made me think of his motives for trying in our M - was his motive to simply win my love/affection for him, but not because he love me?
Apart from feeling hurt, I am grateful that he came over to walk the dog. It took him half hour each way to drive. I guess he didn't have to come over, if he wanted to be mean.
PH,
It's hard to know what he was thinking but I'm guessing he wasn't prepared to discuss the bills and he didn't want to give you the opportunity to bring up that conversation.
His purpose was to give you a hand with the dog knowing that you are not feeling well and that was something he didn't have to do.
He still continues to call you "Hon" which is a good sign to me.
Don't analyze too much.
Appreciate what he did for YOU and be sure to let him know how much you appreciated his help.
Nothing negative from what I see.
BTW, have you heard of Cold FX? It really does work wonders if you haven't tried it.
Otherwise, have some hot tea, and off to bed.
Take care of yourself,
ISLH
PH
I can relate
wanting more than H can give and not appreciating what he can do
H wanted to help with dog..
that is probably all he can do for now
he shows he cares that way
I know , I always want more too
wanting more doesnt help
Im trying tolearn to be appreciate for what he can give
atleast you didnt have to go in cold
maybe he doesnt want to catch it
cant blame him!
hope you have speedy recovery
affirnations..law of attracrion
I got the book
the prodigal perspective..thank you
i love it and I am receiving c cares e mail
also they have a standers meeting here in my area and I will probably attend one soon
peace
peace
Hi ISLH, Thanks for understanding. Spot on...
It's hard to know what he was thinking but I'm guessing he wasn't prepared to discuss the bills and he didn't want to give you the opportunity to bring up that conversation.
His purpose was to give you a hand with the dog knowing that you are not feeling well and that was something he didn't have to do.
So true. The next morning, I woke up at 5:30am to the phone ringing. He must have tried a few times. I think I heard the cellphone, then the home phone (twice). He called to say he was coming over to walk the dog before going to work! I said to God "Thank you!"
As he walked to his car afterwards, I called out "Big hug". He said "Thanks".
When I got to work (Fri), I sent him an email reminding him that it was exactly 1 year after our other puppy left us. I also:
1) thanked him very nicely for helping out, care and concern,
2) apologized for causing him the inconvenience
3) told him how it was so inconvenient to come over and that he had wake up extra early and then be late to work...
4) I ended with "Big hug, PH".
No email response,
BUT at about 4:40pm, he called and offered to walk the dog again.
When I was driving home, he called again, irritated that I wasn't home yet. I either had misheard him or he mis-spoke. But I was LATE. and he said "get here as soon as you can". I told him I wasn't delaying.
After he hung up, I prayed for God's intervention for Him - that my H would be compassionate and decide to be calm..., and prayed for a good interaction.
When I got home and opend the door, he gave me the BIGGEST grin and so did I. The first words out of my mouth were "I am sorry for being late...." Guess what? He told me it was ok and that I got there ASAP and maybe he wasn't clear enough about the time... Hooray! Anyway, he walked her. I thanked him and he asked me if I had gotten over the worst of it. I said that I'll be able to manage by next morning. He left saying "I hope you get better". He was sweet.
He still continues to call you "Hon" which is a good sign to me.
Thanks for seeing this. Agree. I was starting to wonder if he was pulling away from coming home because of the bills issue. I am not going to let this bad thought sabotage the progress made so far.
Don't analyze too much.
Appreciate what he did for YOU and be sure to let him know how much you appreciated his help.
Nothing negative from what I see..
You're right. I started appreciating and he came over 2 more times!!!!
BTW, have you heard of Cold FX? It really does work wonders if you haven't tried it.
Otherwise, have some hot tea, and off to bed.
No have not heard of it. But will keep this in mind for future reference. I am out of the woods now, I think. Just need to take it easy and rest as much as possible.
It's a beautiful day here today. I am so glad to see the sunshine.
I hope you are having a great weekend.
Hugs,
PH
Hi peace,
PH
I can relate
wanting more than H can give and not appreciating what he can do
H wanted to help with dog..
that is probably all he can do for now
Knowing that this is all he can do now is so important. This is something I have had to learn during my S. God has REALLY been teaching me "gratitude", and feeling gratitude is SO rewarding. It gives far better results than "ingratitude". My problem was it became a habit to be afraid to feel grateful incase it wasn't real and I'd be hurt. I was so wrong... which I found out after learning about the Law of Attraction".
he shows he cares that way
I know , I always want more too
wanting more doesnt help
Ditto.
Im trying tolearn to be appreciate for what he can give
As "Men Are from Mars" book says, your H will really appreciate this. What is his love language? Is it words of affirmation? My H's secondary LL is this. Regardless of your H's LL, I am sure he'd still be encouraged by the appreciation you show. It'd encourage him to do more.
atleast you didnt have to go in cold
maybe he doesnt want to catch it
cant blame him!
I know - I get hurt easily, probably. He does hurt easily too.
hope you have speedy recovery
affirnations..law of attracrion
Thank you - am getting there.
I got the book
the prodigal perspective..thank you
i love it and I am receiving c cares e mail
also they have a standers meeting here in my area and I will probably attend one soon
You're welcome. I hope you make it to the meeting. I wish I lived close enough to go. I am confident you'll get something out of going.
Take care and have a great weekend.
Hugs,
PH
Yesterday, I plucked up my courage yet again and emailed my H for 2 favors:
1) watch our dog next week
2) take our dog to swimming.
It included telling him that I didn't invite him to the trip because I thought he wouldn't be interested in going with me. I felt I needed to tell him this. I asked him to watch our dog because he mentioned several times (a) he wished he could take our dog with him and (b) that he worries about her arthritis. This way, it gives him a chance to step up and take care of her out of the kindness of his heart. He does love her, I think.
Today, he responded:
I have been thinking about <dog>. I leave for work at 5:30 AM and do not get home until ~6:15PM. Isn’t that too long for her? I do not want her to get a kidney infection.
If I would take her to her hydro therapy, how would I do that? Where is it?
I hope you enjoy your trip.
I hoped and prayed he’d help out BUT I wasn’t expecting such a positive response. It really did touch me that he was willing to help and didn’t decline outright. I am thankful. And still surprised.
PH
This sounds good
any positive interaction is good
where are you going?
peace
Peace, I am going to walk and walk by the ocean - my favorite past-time which I don't get to do where I am.
All - Hooray, because my H agreed to watch our dog after all. He asked his father to go to his house each day to let out the dog at lunch time. I am so blown away by his kindness AND by his father's kindness. I know it's not easy for him to ask his father and not easy for his father to agree to do this either.
My H is not taking our dog to hydrotherapy because of the time crunch to nake it in time to the appointment. BUT that's OK.
I am so grateful and still taken aback...
PH
Thats great your H is willing to help
Thats nice that you are taking care of you by enjoying some time away at ocean/beach
peace
Peace, Yes, I am so touched by my H's willingness to chip in and really take care of my dog. Really looking forward to my vacation.
My sister just emailed me about booking a vacation for me in April - only 1 month away - to meet her and her family. She's paying for the vacation - very generous of her.
I haven't seen her in 3 years! So I am excited. At the same time, I am worried about asking my boss for time off YET AGAIN while we're in the middle of a busy work schedule! I knew my sister was booking the vacation but I thought it was in May or July. So the April timeframe surprised me.
I wonder if I invite my H, what his response would be.
PH
How old is H
what is your sitch
youve been at this a long time
a vacation sounds perfect with your sister
is there OW
peace
Peace, My H is in his early forties. My situation is complicated - no OW, he moved out after a very angry outburst (has anger issues), and complained he didn't feel loved. H kept telling me he loved me for about 6 months after the S. I know he loves me deeply but isn't sure of whether our M can work out. He's afraid of moving back in and out again....
ph, hang in there. It sounds like something scares him to feel too close to someone. Maybe it makes him too vulnerable.
Has he had issues with someone, in his past, that he was completely open with, giving his heart, and was terribly hurt?
MMF,
Has he had issues with someone, in his past, that he was completely open with, giving his heart, and was terribly hurt?
Yes, his own parents (Mom) and his ex-wife. He is like his Mom, afraid to open up, but not as bad as his Mom.
Sorry for the hijack here PH. But I could sure use some prayers from both MMF and you. H is on the warpath again. I am glad all is well with you, PH. Good news.
PH
Maybe your H is in MLC in his early 40's
i thought I read you didnt think H mlc
my H also said I didnt love him more than once throughout this yearlong ordeal
all so confusing
peace
ANM, I am more than happy to pray for you. If you want more specific prayer, feel free to send me an email. Praying for you.
Peace, I guess he is in some kind of crisis but not the MLC that most people would understand. He has some hang-up and feels strongly about some things but I would not call them MLC. It could be a spiritual crisis, because if he didn't have a spiritual crisis, he'd be back I think. He'd trust God to change him and trust God to provide all his needs.
Yes - agree that it's confusing. It took me this long to figure it out - 20 months. And when we finally let go and let God, God is faithful and honors our trust in Him.
ANM, of course. I pray that you can feel the peace He can give you even in the midst of the trials you are facing.
ANM, something I have noticed through my life is that many times, the people that are hurting you are hurting themselves and in a very weird way, they lash out because you are the closest to them. Have you ever noticed that people are more careful with those they know less? That does not provide much consolation however that does say that their is inner turmoil and there are feelings present.
ANM, MMF,
ANM, something I have noticed through my life is that many times, the people that are hurting you are hurting themselves and in a very weird way, they lash out because you are the closest to them. Have you ever noticed that people are more careful with those they know less?
I have noticed this as well. In fact, my xH (previous M) used to say to this to me.
My H just left with our dog.
He was here for a few hours. When he got here, I was in the middle of getting ready for my day. He asked where I was going. I told him nowhere. He wa spuzzled so I explained that my lunch appointment got postponed last minute. He offered to rub my back, which was a nice time. Afterwards, he offered to fix my sump pump outlet problem. We had fun working as a team fixing it and testing the fix. It was his brilliant idea.
After that, we got our dog ready to go. When done, I asked he wanted to go out to lunch. He turned me down at first. Then I said I was going out to get lunch anyway. He thought about it and then asked which place would be open for lunch. He then looked as if he was worried (perhaps about our interaction). I gave him a hug and said it'd be alright.
We finally decided where to go. Ww got there early so he suggested going to the food market. It was a great idea (and I told him so). It was fun at the market because we tried some food samples and he helped me in practical ways when I got my groceries.
When we got to the restaurant, they were still not open so we decided to go to the other alternative. It was a nice lunch together...
My H was sweet - he said he was looking forward to taking care of our dog.
H: I thought you wouldn't trust me with her.
Me: I didn't know you wanted to watch her.
H: But she's your baby.
Me: She's your baby too
H: She's a sweet girl.
He kept wishing me a good trip. During the back rub, we chatted about many things, our cruise 5 years ago, etc. He told me (out of the blue) that his passport had expired and that he neededs to renew it soon because it takes months. I hope he's thinking of going on a cruise with me again.
PH
Sounds hopeful
back rub, that says alot I think when they are willing to get physically close
My H wont physically come near me,at this point
peace
PH,
This is definitely a great start to your vacation with your H agreeing to take care of the dog. You seem to be interacting very well lately and I am so happy to hear this.
It's interesting that he's thinking of renewing his passport. Did you ask him if he was planning on going away? That could've been your cue to suggesting a trip together one day. You can still do that next time.
Have a great time as I'm sure you will. OMG, walks along the beach are so relaxing and that is what I did everyday when I went too. I walked one hour one way and of course, you have to come back. It helps to walk off all the great food you're going to have.
Talk to you upon your return,
ISLH
peace, Thanks. We have been physically close for most of the S. Even then, this is the FIRST time he has ever outright offered to give me a back massage. And he really did put good effort into it. It was obvious to me that he did it lovingly.
It wasn't always this way. My H tried very hard to stay away from me for the first few months, even though I could tell it was hurting him to stay away.
Your H isn't himself now. Otherwise, he won't be the way he is now. It seems he's having a rough time and is not happy anyway. He's probably not seeing things clearly so I hope you don't take his distancing personally. It's hard not to because it's just natural (at least for me) to wonder if it's our fault when our H treats us badly.
ISLH,
This is definitely a great start to your vacation with your H agreeing to take care of the dog. You seem to be interacting very well lately and I am so happy to hear this.
Thanks for being happy for me because it means so much to have support through good AND bad times. My H seems to be really trying to help.
I forgot to mention this: I left a couple of wedding anniversary cards and a "heart" note (all from him to me before the S) on my dresser for a few months now. But I have something (packaging for something else) on top of the cards so the cards are not in plain view. Anyway, he picked up the packaging and said something about the packaging. This is at least the SECOND time he's done this - make a comment about the packaging. It seems to me he was checking to see if the anniversary cards were still on the dresser.
It's interesting that he's thinking of renewing his passport. Did you ask him if he was planning on going away? That could've been your cue to suggesting a trip together one day. You can still do that next time.
No, I didn't ask. I simply commented that I didn't know his passport had expired. Great suggestion to suggest a trip together, by the way... After he left, I thought about it and realized that I could have asked him if he'd be interested in going on a cruise sometime. Lost opportunity - but not to worry. There will be others, I am sure. I am thinking of sending him a postcard.
Have a great time as I'm sure you will. OMG, walks along the beach are so relaxing and that is what I did everyday when I went too. I walked one hour one way and of course, you have to come back. It helps to walk off all the great food you're going to have.
That's the plan. My H asked me what I'd be doing and what I would love most to do there - my response walk on the beach. He smiled and said "I should have known".
Have a great weekend and birthday.
PH,
From this thread it seems as if you have had several positive responses from your H. Has your H ever said that he didn't love you anymore? During our 1st seperation I didn't feel as if I loved or was attracted to my husband, but I learned different. I never told him this. Now he is having the same feelings for me.
Thx!
Hi HiC,
Has your H ever said that he didn't love you anymore?
He has never said this. For 6 months after the S, he would say "I do you you" from time to time. At 1 year post-S, he mumbled "Love you" at the end of a phone call or so I thought I heard. I don't think I misheard because I wasn't even expecting to hear it.
Actuall, I have been thinking lately that I should say it. I haven't been saying ILY in a long while. I said it a few times around the time he said "Love you" in that above-mentioned phone call.
During our 1st seperation I didn't feel as if I loved or was attracted to my husband, but I learned different. I never told him this. Now he is having the same feelings for me.
Do you think there is OW? Even if he said he doesn't love you or is not attracted to you, it's very possible he's going through what you wnet through during that 1st S. It will take time for him to realize what you realized. Guess what, I think you have an advantage in having gone thorugh what you did. It can help you figure out what is going through his mind in order to help you come up with good solution approaches.
Do you think there is OW?
I know for a fact that he had at least one EA and continues to flirt with everyone and anyone. I feel this has really clouded his view of me. I know that I can't compete with that, but trying to make myself the more attractive choice doesn't seem to be slowing down the flirting in the least. The hardest thing about this process is coming up with new ideas when something isn't working. Sorry I feel like I hijacked your thread. I did post a question along these lines to you and anyone else who feels moved to answer.
Your doing great. I am very happy for you!
PH, you seem to be slowly moving forward. Good for you.
I hope you enjoy your trip.
HiC,
I know for a fact that he had at least one EA and continues to flirt with everyone and anyone. I feel this has really clouded his view of me. I know that I can't compete with that, but trying to make myself the more attractive choice doesn't seem to be slowing down the flirting in the least. The hardest thing about this process is coming up with new ideas when something isn't working.
The ideas will come as you work on this more and more. It got easier for me as the DBing became part of me, and a big part of it for me is the Christian faith and consistent praying, and letting go while asking God for guidance, and asking Him to work on my H, and listening for the guidance.
I responded to your question (on your thread). Thanks for being happy for me. It's been worth all the work I have put and am still putting into my R.
Imageer, Thanks for your supportive words, and for the wish. I am so slow with the packing and keep getting distracted.
My H just left after bringing back our dog. He seemed to be in a good mood and yet not. I got us some takeout because I knew he'd be hungry. He really enjoyed the dinner and asked me about my trip. I was very upbeat, and tried to be.
H: Do you prefer a cruise or this trip?
Me: Both - they're different.
(Me wondering: Was he hinting about going on a cruise with me? Or was he feeling left out? Was he figuring out whether I'd be interested in ever going on a cruise with him?)
Maybe I was too upbeat because he announced he needed to leave to pack his bag for his business trip. His flight is at noon tomorrow but he seemed in a big hurry to leave.
It was like he was avoiding me. I gave him a shoulder massage. He was kind of affectionate while I rubbed his back but no intimacy this time. I am not sure whether he was mad at me for going away without him and having such a good time. Whether he was jealous about not being there. He did look a little tired and I know he's extremely busy at work.
Halfway during our conversation (as I rubbed his back),
H: If I went with you on the trip, there's no way I could have walked 2.5 hours each day with you.
Me: We would have taken breaks and stopped.
H: No, my feet would not have managed that.
Me: You could wear shoes. Lots of people wore shoes and ran or walked on the beach.
H: I guess
Me: My sisters have already book the trip to Hawaii in April
H: You should go.
(Me thinking: Is this the time to ask him to join us in Hawaii? Would he say "No" because of my sisters? I didn't ask him then because I felt he'd probably turn me down. Maybe I'll ask him later in an email. At least he can go there without a passport.)
From what he said about his business trip, it doesn't sound like he's looking forward to it. When he walked out the door, he said something like "I think I'll have as good a time at <> as you did on your trip". Was he feeling left out or mad at me for having a good time without him. I did mention that I got some attention so maybe he was jealous. But usually when he's been jealous, he'd want to ML. But not this time. I can't help waondering if he's distancing again on purpose. But then again, as he left, he also called me "Hon". He gave me a goodbye hug, no kiss. As I opened the door I reached up to kiss him and he let me kiss willingly. I don't know... but I did feel rejected and hurt.
After my H left, I checked my pile of mail. And was very pleasantly surprised that my stepsons finally mailed me something - the first time I ever got something from them in the mail! They sent me:
1) their belated Christmas present to me - a Rottweiler memo pad and a Rottweiler Christmas ornament. They were supposed to have brought them up at Christmas but for some reason could find it before they left to go home.
2) belated Chrsitmas card
3) card about their new kitty
4) a stack of photos - one was of SS#1 getting a prize for his school project
I also got an email from SS#1 - he sent the same email to my H as well - which I found out when my H and I "compared notes" about SS#1 during dinner last night.
It is so nice seeing our dog again. And my H really enjoyed taking care of her. I know it was hard for him walking her in the bitter cold last week. He mentione dthat I got lucky coming back to the warmer weather (compared to last week). I am going to send him a Thank You card but haven't figured out the words yet and whether to invite him to an Easter concert.
Hiya ph
I've been a bit scarce lately as I've been contemplating summers comments on my thread....
Anyway, trust all is well & I thought I would just share this article with all of you
Best wishes & blessings
CM
March 10, 2008
The "Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" in Marriage
By Dave Boehi
In recent weeks I've been talking about why marriage is important in an age when an increasing number of couples are choosing to live together but not get married. I continue to receive some perceptive e-mails on the subject, and one theme keeps coming up: A recognition that we need to do a better job of showing couples how to deal with the difficult part of marriage—what one reader calls the "good, the bad, and the ugly."
"Marriage has become a negative term in this culture and society," wrote Elisha McGonagle. "We no longer look at marriage with anticipation, but with fear. Fear drives so many people in this country. People are scared that if they get married then there is the possibility of getting divorced.
"No, marriage does not guarantee a lifelong relationship, but neither does any relationship =2E..
Marriage was designed to be a lifelong relationship. The only reason it is not is because we have made it that way.
We too often look for any easy way out. If we feel unhappy, then just leave. If you feel unfulfilled, then leave. If your husband makes you mad, you can just leave."
Elisha knows first-hand the dangers of weak commitment in marriage. After she and her husband were married nearly four years, they were considering divorce. They talked with their pastor, and he said they needed to throw out the words "separate" and "divorce." "If you don't have those things as an option then you are forced to work things out. What an extraordinary thought ... we actually have to work through our issues."
She goes on:
Our country is a fast-food country. We want things easy and we want it now. No way do we want to do anything that requires effort. We go into marriage thinking that we will have the perfect little marriage and the perfect little family in the cookie-cutter house and we will never argue. Wrong! We need to know what we are actually agreeing to.
We are agreeing to stay with our spouse when things are the worst they have ever been. When they make you angry and call you names and hurt your feelings.
Marriage is not a continuous date. You now get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Other readers shared some practical words on how their faith helps them deal with difficulties and conflict in marriage.
Deborah Lynn Taylor wrote that marriage is designed by the ultimate Architect of love:
Through the love of God I can love my husband. I can love his smelly socks, and I can love the cologne he wears. I can love his bad habit of not taking out the trash, and I can love the way he impeccably cleans our bedroom. God's love is patient and kind. It bears all things. It believes all things and it never fails. My husband and I have been married for seven years. And it has not been an easy road. We went from his surgery only two weeks after our wedding to losing his father.
And all in between there was confusion, money problems, new babies, miscommunication and interference from unwanted life situations.
But I remember that I love him. And I vowed to sustain through all of the good and bad times.
Misty Todd said that she said "I do" to her husband, she meant that commitment to last.
"I don't know how in the world people do it without Christ, though," she wrote. "He is the center of our home, and we still have days that we could really hurt each other without Christ at the center of their hearts and lives."
Finally, Sherry Jennings wrote to remind us that "One of the most important distinctions of marriage the way God intended is that it is a covenant, not just a commitment or a contract.
In marriage the way God intended, each spouse promises to love the other regardless of the other's performance."
Sherry concluded her e-mail with some powerful words:
A marriage is about seeing each other through God's eyes, hearing each other with God's ears, lifting each other with God's hands, encouraging each other with God's Words, and loving each other with God's heart. Marriage is about choosing each day, each minute, to honor God with our words and actions, and in turn, we honor our spouses. Marriage is recognizing that God created my husband specifically for me ->
How can I not love, honor, treasure a perfect gift from my perfect God?
© Copyright 2008 by FamilyLife. All rights reserved.
PH
Glad you had fun at beach
Its hard to figure out what our H mean or dont by their words and actions
a thank you card is probably a good idea
its nice that your H is willing to be physically close and he helps out
take it slow
hopefully he will continue to take steps toward you
peace
Hi CM, Thanks for sharing the encouraging article. It made me think "I wish my H could read this too". Hope you are doing well too.
Hi Peace, Thank you for your thoughts. I still need to write that Thank You card so he can get it this weekend. I want him to feel really appreciated. Somehow, I have been thinking about him alot yesterday and today. This makes me wonder if he's doing the same about me. Sometimes, it is hard to imagine him making the move to come home. I wish I know what his plan for us is, and his motives are.
PH
It seems a lot of LBS see movement right now on this board
you have waited a long time
but
try to continue GAL
keep the thank you note light friendly not pushy?
get busy and continue to give H space
my newest mantra and I used it yesterday while H here
NO pressure no pressure no pressure
thats the way My H wants it
peace
Peace, Thanks.
keep the thank you note light friendly not pushy?
Yes. I have sent him many thank you cards in the past. They have been friendly and appreciative. I think he likes them even though he doesn’t say so. In Jan, he mentioned he knows I miss him by the fact that I send him cards and emails. When I responded with “Should I stop sending them?”, he said “I am not saying that.” So I think he likes getting them.
get busy and continue to give H space
been doing this for 20 months! He knows I am giving him space. He said so at the end of Dec.
To be honest, I think he wished he went on vacation with me. On Mon, he said “If I went with you, I wouldn’t have been able to walk for 2.5 hours…” Why would he even bring it up, if he wasn’t contemplating going on vacation with me? I didn’t even ask him. Plus he asked if I preferred the beach or a cruise for a vacation. His choice is a cruise and he was testing to see if I would prefer a cruise over the beach. Again, I think he was asking in relation to the possibility of going on vacation with me. And if he did, it’d be a cruise. That’s his suggestion every time we discussed vacation venues before the S.
When I asked him for the dog-sitting favor, I mentioned I didn’t invite him to go on vacation with me because I thought he wouldn’t be interested in going away with me. When I first told him about the vacation venue, he sounded disappointed and surprised. I am pretty sure he was disappointed that I didn’t invite him to go on vacation with me this last time. The day before the vacation, when he came to pick up the dog, he mentioned his passport had expired – meaning he couldn’t have gone with me anyway.
So now, with the Hawaii family reunion coming up, I feel I have to ask him but give him the option to decline. Anyway, I am still praying about it.
He sounds like he is testing the "waters" so to speak, PH. He is probably not ready to come home but is seeing if the door is still ajar.
Praying for you.
And CM, that was really good!
MMF, Thanks. He also appears to be distancing, possibly because he's upset about the bills issue, and worried about how he'd handle the expense. Whenwe hugged on Monday as he walked in the door, he turned his face away, implying he doesn't want to kiss at all. When he left, he hugged without a kiss but I reached out and to kiss him. When I did that, he received the kiss willingly. So I have a mixed bag of impressions from Monday's interaction. Thanks for your prayers. Praying for you too.
ANM, Responding to your post (in MMF's thread) here:
Thanks, PH. I see lots of positives in your situation and I am glad. I have to admit it is difficult after almost 4 years to see other people making so many gains in their situation and I am still stuck in the same place with H. Another note, I seem to have backslid and I am growing weary of the financial situation as well as not having a vehicle again. I am tired of doing everything alone.
I know what you mean about being stuck. As Bob wrote in The Prodigal's Perspective, the prodigal is going through hell in the far country but tries very hard to convince himself, his W and others that he's happy. Nothing could be further from the truth. This morning, I was contemplating my situation and wishing that my H would go to counselling or self-improvement workshop, etc. I was having doubts about him ever changing. Then this Bible verse came to my mind: Something like "God can do immeasurably more than we can ever imagine.." I don't remember the exact wording so please forgive me if I misquoted slightly.
I know it's understandable to feel weary, especially when you're going through tough times. Please don't lose heart. I hope that knowing God loves you will comfort you and that you continue to trust and hope in God.
PH
I think prayer is a good way to go
I meditate every day and pray
I hardly make a choice these days without consulting God
Trust your gut about the invite
Your H seems open to you
peace
I agree with pt. Trust your instincts. As long as you avoid desperation and listen to that voice (God?), stay on the path and don't always question each step you have made in the past. Only focus ahead.
Trust.
Thanks Peace. I pray every morning during my walk with our dog, and every night I pray 10 prayers from The Power of a Praying Wife. It's the least I can do - to pray. As we have seen recently, God has restored some marriages, which encourages my standing for my M.
Hi MMF, Thanks. These past 2 months or so, I feel as if I am not doing too much to actively work on my M. Sometimes it concerns me but it could be OK - could be part of letting go and be still. I am learning how to say to God "You take care of it then" or "I am leaving it in Your Hands now".
I agree with letting God take the reins PH. When we are least active, is when He can do His work.
I just had an image come to mind about two people trying to tie the same rope in the same place. Nothing gets accomplished especially if one of the people does not know how to tie (fix) the knot in the first place.
I was working with my son in cub scouts a couple of weeks ago and while he wanted my help he kept getting his hands in the way. I was trying to show him how to make the knot and then he would do it but he was too impatient. Eventually he listened to me. I made the knot and he followed my example. He was so happy he let me show him.
It sounds like you are really listening to Him!
Hi MMF, Thanks for validating. I am far from perfect at listening to Him but I do try to do so. That knot-tying incident with your son is a great analogy.
Hi PH
Just checking in to say Hi
who wrote that book
the power of a praying wife
what is one prayer? if you dont mind
I have been praying more for my H since I read the ptodigals perspective and I attended one of their meetings
peace
Hi peace, Thanks for checking in - appreciate that
The Power Of A Praying Wife author is Stormie Omartian. Wonderful book! There are 30 chapters, 1 for each area in a husband's life, with a prayer example at the end of each chapter. The prayers are Bible-based. I find that they are comprehensive and really help me cover each area of my H's life well.
The first chapter is "His Wife" which is very apt. It is about praying for us, his wife to be a better wife to him first before praying for other areas of his life. Other chapters are work, his mind, his integrity, his relationships, his sexuality, his faith, his future, etc.
I try to cover all areas as often as possible so that's why I pray 10 prayers per night - covering all 30 every 3 days. I found it easier to have structured prayers to use as a base. I also pray my own free-style prayers each morning.
PH
Thanks
How are you anything new?
peace
Hi Peace,
Thanks for checking in. It's been rough emotionally. Today was my annual MRI follow-up. For some reason, I was nervous when I went in. The technician made me lay down on a bed while she put the IV line in my arm.
It reminded me of the day of my surgery when they were doing a pre-op procedure on me. I had only found out the diagnosis the day before and it was just still a big shock to me that day. So throughout that procedure, tears just streamed down my cheeks.
Today, the technician asked me about my cancer history and I told her about crying during my pre-op procedure 7 years ago. And I ended up dissolving into tears while she got me ready for the test. Afterwards, I cried driving back to the office.
I was very brave during the cancer journey 7 years ago - did it all by myself. Somehow it hit me hard today, thinking I am doing this without my H. I think I felt vulnerable today because I was thinking about my H this morning, wondering what his agenda is and why he hasn't made the decision to work on himself and on our M. And why he has to take so long.
BTW, I don't know the result yet - wll be out in a couple of days.
PH, I don't think you were alone. I don't think you will ever be alone. Hugs to you my friend.
MMF, Thank you. You're right. God was with me during that journey 7 years ago. I remember crying out to Him then. That journey showed me to make the most of each moment in one's life.
Last night I wrote a Thank You card to my H (quite brief) for taking care of our dog, etc. Also sent him a humorous Easter card. I think he would have liked both cards.
I sent2 Easter cards to my stepsons, 1 each. I hope they check their mailbox before Easter. They hardly ever do. I should email them to let them know to expect the cards.
I got a nice surprise today - a sweet email from my SS#1. He told me about his (and brother's and Mom's) beach vacation. He also gave me his phone number - he finally got a cell phone so now I can keep in touch with him better.
Also had a pleasant meeting with my manager today. Wasn't sure what to expect and was pleased with how it turned out. He seemed to be more considerate of me than during past dialogs so that made me happy.
ph, knowing you and how you have such a wonderful heart is no surprise to me that your "sons" love you and think of you.
Hi PH
just wanted to see how you are today?
peace
PH, I went through breast cancer with my mother about 10 years ago. It was rough. I remember getting all of these terrifing stats from the doctors and a couple of pre-med friends of mine. Fortunately, 10 years later my mother is doing well with no signs of returning cancer.
I alsways tell her that a good side to having cancer and getting through it is that now they are always watching for it and if it comes back they will get it in an early stage.
I hope all went well with your test.
MMF, Thanks for your sweet, kind words. It is nice to have a good R with my stepsons.
Peace:
Hi PH
just wanted to see how you are today?
peace
Thanks for checking on me. I was very busy yesterday and had to rush off to 2 back-to-back dance classes. They were alot of fun. I felt really good and happy afterwards - must be the endorphins and the fact that I had to concentrate on the lesson. I still did manage to think about my H - that it would be nice if he took dance classes with me or go dancing with me. I think he secretly wants to do so. He asked me about my dncing a few times - most recent was at Thanksgiving.
Imageer: Thanks for sharing your mother's cancer journey. Good to hear a positive outcome for her (and for you). I got my test result back. No malignancy but they did find something benign. Hopefully that benign thing is just a lymph node. I see my doctor in about a week so will chat to him then.
-PH
PH
Glad you are enjoying your dance classes
Ive been doing country dancing every week
and also happy for the good report
How do you continue to get patience
I know you would say prayer
that is it
I havent been praying for H as much
feel like giving up or maybe just need to take step back
I will pray for strength and direction
peace
Hi peace, I like country dancing too - the 2-step, square dancing and barn dancing. I mainly do swing, Lundy Hop, ballroom, and latin stuff (salsa, merengue, bachata). But the Latin stuff needs refresher badly.
How do you continue to get patience
I know you would say prayer
that is it
I havent been praying for H as much
feel like giving up or maybe just need to take step back
I will pray for strength and direction
I would say prayer. The other thing is "trust and faith in God to restore my M" while I do my part of course - praying and changing myself for the better. When you are weary, it's OK to take a breather in terms of taking care of yourself emotionally. If you're too emotionally weary to deal with your H, it might be OK to find a constructive way (and the right time) to let him know you are finding things hard emotionally too. Here's where prayer and reading scripture and good books comes in - to ask for guidance for when and what to say. I think you're just weary and need encouragement. Hope you have a good Easter weekend..
BTW, your thread locked up...
PH
I might need some time to regroup
maybe I will go dim for a couple of days to thik about what I want
I used to focus on this possibility of a Restored M and it kept me going
Im just not clear about it anymore
and the time needed to wait..dont know if I have it
peace
Peace, If you think you need to re-group, you should. Take time out for yourself.
Im just not clear about it anymore
and the time needed to wait..dont know if I have it
COuld you please elaborate about the time? Why is there a time crunch? Because you are emotionally weary of this?
PH, my prayer warrior sister, thank you for your comments on my thread. You inspire me greatly.
MMF, Your stand inspires me. It has been difficult for me these past couple of weeks, seeing couples and families on vacation together. Today's Charlyne Cares letter encouraged me some - to believe God's signs when we see them. I hope I am seeing God's signs for what they are if/when He gives them to me.
Sometimes, it seems my situation is so hard. This part of the letter leapt out at me:
Did you notice that Mary Magdalene was at the cross with Mary and
John? Mary Magdalene had become one of the Lord's followers when
He had cast out seven demons from her. Remember, that nothing is
too hard for God to do. So do not worry about your spouse's sins
or strongholds, remember Mary Magdalene.
I prayed this morning that God is removing my H's strongholds.
HAPPY EASTER...
MAY GOD RESURRECT YOUR MARRIAGE
Trusting, Thank you! Your wishes brought tears to my eyes.
PH
Just visiting to say hi
happy easter
peace
I have learned never to minimize the power of prayer and how God wants the good for us in our lives. Your M falls in the good PH. The timely Charlyne Cares message was perfect!
Trusting, that was an awesome prayer!
Peace, MMF: Thanks for dropping by. You are all angels God sent to me today. I feel like God sent me angels this weekend:
1) lovely get-together with a friend yesterday
2) Happy Easter call from SS#2. Totally didn't expect them to remember. I thanked him for thinking of me. He even texted me a picture of their dog.
3) wonderful time at a friend's party today
I am praying for my H to start praying and reading the Bible again.
PH
Glad you had a nice easter
that is probably the key , prayer
you inspire me to keep praying as well
it is in Gods hands
peace
Peace, Thanks for your kind words. It is in God's hands. I know I also need to do my part in being obedient to God's bidding and guidance. And being willing to listen to what He's telling me - through what I read, hear and see.
-PH
Yes PH
I feel connected to God and I meditate daily
that is probably the main reason I am still here
Hope you sre having a good day
peace
Thanks Peace. I survived today - it was rough at times because for some reason I missed him quite a bit today - perhaps it's belated/delayed holiday blues. I just finished scanning some pictures from my vacation and from post-Christmas visit with my H and the boys. I will be emailing some to him because I think he'll appreciate them. Also am contemplating asking him if he wants to dog-sit again in April for a week.
-PH
PH
How often so you see H?
I know that somedays are rougher than others for some reason and Holidays are very difficult
peace
Peace, Every few weeks, it seems like - unplanned and unpredictable. Funny thing is he sent me an email this morning with a newsbreaking article about my company. Not sure of his intentions - whether he was just reconnecting with me or was treating me like a friend. I responded 4 hours later with my scanned pictures (of vacation and "Christmas" pictures of him/boys.
My sister asked last night if I was inviting my H to Hawaii. I might just ask him even if it's unlikely for him to accept. At least he knows he's welcome by me and my family...
-PH
I found something that hit me when reading March 26th's Charlyne Cares newsletter about how to pray for my H:
One prayer that I prayed for Bob was that he would repent from
his sinful ways, and be baptized by the Holy Spirit. I knew that
if he had the power of the Holy Spirit, he would have the power
to say "no" to the enemy. One of the scriptures I prayed for Bob
and our children was:
"Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in
the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And
you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is
for you and your children and for all who are far off--for all
whom the Lord our God will call." Acts 2:38-39
And also the following from March 25th newsletter:
If you are sputtering along today, not knowing if you will make
shore, you need to anchor in the Rock, our Lord Jesus Christ. As
the Bible tells us, He is "...an anchor for the soul, firm and
secure." Place your trust in Him alone today. Stop looking at
and listening to others, but allow Jesus to be your Navigator
through this storm.
and
May this be the day that you decide to drop anchor, once and for
all, on the Rock of Ages, our Jesus.
-PH