Hey guys,
Thought I’d post an update. I’ve got a small thread in Piecing, but still feel much more at home here.
Things are going GREAT! FW and I had a terrific Christmas together. I was so very worried about my parents and how they would react since my dad had said he was never welcome in his house again and thing went well there as well.
H walked into my parents house on Christmas Eve (he was invited) and went straight to my mom and dad and apologized for all the hurt he had put them and me and everyone else through. That he was wrong and had no excuses. My dad said he was glad to hear H say that. The day went great and I don’t think anyone felt uncomfortable at all (at least I didn’t and FW didn’t)
His birthday was yesterday and we spent a great day together then as well. We went shopping together without the kiddos and spent some good time together when we got home last night since they are staying with his parents until Jan. 1.
We leave this afternoon for a much needed vacation without the kids and will return Jan. 1. I’m very excited to be getting away with him for a few days and so is he.
FW moved all his stuff back home last week. He said that it felt good to get stuff out of the apartment and back home where he belongs. He is glad that things are getting back to “normal”.
I worry when he says things are “normal” because for so long “normal” wasn’t good enough for him with us, but he assures me that “normal” is good. He was so tired of all the drama and all the sneaking and stress etc etc. that normal is what he really needs right now.
We are talking and being open with one another and getting along great and even though things are “normal” things are also so different in so many good ways. We have both changed tremendously in our time away from each other. It’s almost like getting to know each other all over again, but still having the familiarity that is so comfortable.
Sex is still incredible which is important to both of us now. I never knew how much so until all this broke loose over a year ago and I had a few earth shattering realization about myself that served to change a lot of my hangups.
We are still working each day and will continue to do so for the rest of our lives. Marriages are not easy and we both realize that now. I think we (at least I) just expected the other to always be there no matter what.
We both continue to pray daily and to put God first in our relationship. Thanks so much for all the support that I have gotten here in the last few months. It’s been tremendous and has helped me get to a place in my life where I knew I would be fine if the outcome of this situation hadn’t been as good as it is. I’ll be lurking around and popping in here and there. I’ll try to keep you updated on our progress. I know I always loved reading the good news stories from those whose spouses had returned.
Have a great New Year and God Bless.
BFM
Ok guys.
I leave in 1/2 hr. to start my mini vacation.
I'll update when I get back.
BFM
Just to say, have a WONDERFUL TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God Bless you both ! xxxx
BFM, I was completely happy for you until you talked about the great sex (ARGH). It has been ????
Just kidding. I am very happy for you.
MMF.......same thoughts here ..........it's been FAR TOO LONG !!!!!!!!
Hope all is well with you and thanks for your lovely mail !
Cinders, you mean a lot to me and everyone else here!
BFM, I hope you and FW had a fantastic time since I know you wont see this until you get back.
Thanks for the well wishes guys.
We did have a wonderful time. Things are going well for us right now.
One of the good things that is so different this time is that H has not looked back at his A with OW. He is not depressed anymore and seems to be doing really really well.
I get more and more comfortable with him every day. For a while I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, worried that he was going to leave again. That feeling is diminishing quickly and is almost nonexistent now. It's a great feeling to have.
We both keep praying and focusing on things that are important right now like family and God.
I'll update as I get chances to. Hope everyone had a wonderful New Year and Christmas holiday (or Hannukah).
BFM
BFM and FW
It is so great to see that there is a sunny side to all of these clouds.
I wish you guys the best.
Take care of your relationship beacuse that is what will keep you going.
Hugs and kisses
Enlightenedbylife
Dear BFM !!!
I am so happy to hear that things are going so well !!! It is a joy to have you two back together ! I have found that I have not got your level of patience and compassion...I had an outburst with H yesterday. I told him how useless he feels to me now, that I do not even want to rely on him, because others have helped me MUCH more...anyway, I kind of told him he could go ahead and sign the papers...that it was my new year's present to him, and my own new year's resolution (ouch !)....damage is done, he is once again angry and sulking around me...he does not speak to me if not nescessary, I can just feel him thinking....'here we go again....NOW she doesn't want to have contact anymore...HOW OFTEN will this keep hapening, WHEN will we just be able to be friends and civil to each other...???'
I just can't do it....it's still so very painful...and when he's not in my life, I prosper and LIVE...but he is this huge disturbance....haze...that shakes me and the kids up everytime he comes over and is his JOLLY self !
Oh boy....I hope I haven't disappointed you with all of this. Who knows what will happen next...I have had some GREAT support and very INSIGHTFUL posts about this on my thread.
I will keep in touch ! xxxx
bfm,
I asked you a question on a new2morrow's thread.
C
Butterfly,
Did FW bring the OW in front of the kids? If so, how did you handle it.
Chicki - I'll go check it out. Thanks for letting me know.
TRUSTING - yes, he did bring OW around our kids. A lot. A lot more than I was ever comfortable with. At first I tried to stop it, but quickly realized that I could not control his actions and that legally, unless she was some sort of danger to my kids (which she was not) that basically there was nothing I could do.
Once I accepted that, I was fortunate in that FW and I were always able to talk things through. I did not want the kids to know what their dad was doing. I just felt they were too young (9 and 5) to understand and i was afraid of the effect it would have on his relationship with our D9 (I was afraid she would feel compelled to choose and guilty if she like OW because of her not wanting to go against her mother) He came up with the "solution" that OW was just a "roommate" just a "friend" that was helping him pay rent and slept downstairs on the futon.
My kids never knew the true nature of their relationship and may never know now that we are together again.
I hated it. I hated that she bought them clothes, I hated that she and my D painted their fingernails together, I hated that she baked cookies and decorated cakes, and did other stuff with them. Absolutely tore me up inside. Hated every minute of it, but I said nothing to FW or to my kids.
I seethed in silent anger over it (most of the time).
I basically accepted that there was nothing I could do and prayed a lot about it.
BFM
Boy, BFm, you never cease to amaze me!
I too hate it when Ow has all the "step family" fun time w/ my girls and in several weeks H is taking them all to the annual circus and it really hurts.
Did your H ever do fun things out in public w/ Ow and your kids?
<sorry to hijack>
BFM,
I have a question for you concerning your sexcapades w/ your H all the while he was still w/ OW....during or after the act did you ever iniate any ILYs?? Or was the sex (on your part) "acting casually detached"?
I want to go back to that point w/ my H b/c i believe NOW we kept that connection that now seems to be soooo distant since I stopped it from happening. I was good at it at one point where HE made it seem like *I* was using him for sex.
I want to know how you did it..so as not to get too emotionally close during the whole act.Did you wait for him to verbally open up to you or did you ever iniate those touchy feely convos.?
Chicki,
I waited for him. I never said ILY, I never initiated any relationship talks. I let him lead the way on that. For a long time we were just "friends with benefits" or "f--- buddies".
Not getting emotionally close - can't tell you how to do it. Not something that you can really tell someone how to do, just something you can either do or you can't.
If you can't I wouldn't recommend the sex thing. Too hard for most people.
It was hard for me a lot of times. Esp. toward the end when I could feel him moving closer to me. I started wanting more. More than just sex and then watch him get up, get dressed and leave.
but, to answer your questions, I kept it purely physical and just about two people doing something that felt good.
BFM
Oh one more thing....
H thinks our little ones dont notice anything....
Well, d7 surprised one time when out of the blue she said
"mommy, daddy & you-know-who sleep together but w/ the door open and w/ a long pillow in between them!!!"
UGH!!!
THat has changed now..according d10 no more pillow inbetween them:(
Boy, BFm, you never cease to amaze me!
I too hate it when Ow has all the "step family" fun time w/ my girls and in several weeks H is taking them all to the annual circus and it really hurts.
Did your H ever do fun things out in public w/ Ow and your kids?
I know the 4 of them went shopping and out to eat once, but other than that I don't think they did much out in public. I could be wrong about that since I don't know everything that happened while they were with him and I generally didn't prod them with questions when they came home.
BFM
Thats just it, I dont ask, my girls come back so excited, they tell me everything!!!!
And I w/ a FAKE smile just have to grin and bear it.
My H is doing all the things he stopped doing w/ me as a family.
Then again she wont go anywhere w/out H. So she makes him go everywhre w/ her.
H use to hate to just go mall walking especailly if he was broke.
Now if think he is easing his guilt and buying the girls all kinds of stuff he wouldnt buy when he was still w/ me.
Oh one more thing....
H thinks our little ones dont notice anything....
Well, d7 surprised one time when out of the blue she said
"mommy, daddy & you-know-who sleep together but w/ the door open and w/ a long pillow in between them!!!"
UGH!!!
THat has changed now..according d10 no more pillow inbetween them:(
YUCK! At least FW and his OW didn't sleep together in front of my kids - at least not to where they could see it. I'm not naive enough to think they were totally hands off when out of eye sight of the kids, but I never got any reports like that.
I probably wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue had I heard something like that, pillow or no pillow.
BFM
Hi !
Well, tomorrow my D8 turns 9 !!!!!!!! YES ...brings back happy memories...and of course painful ones too....haha !
I was silly....
Earlier on I sent H a TM saying it might be a good idea if he has nothing planned of course to go watch D8 at her hockey practice tomorrow...I sent the message and then felt it may be too much pressure on him...so I sent another TM saying...'Please don't feel you must, it just occured to me, that's all'.
Yikes....
Oh well, I'm ok with it. I can handle it, if it was a mistake then it was a mistake, he has not sent anything in return...that's ok too, I din't expect anything.
So, thanks for your great advice BFM !
Take care xxxx
Butterfly mom,
Thank you for your response. It is nice to know that you experienced the same thing and was successful.
Just a quick update. Busy at work.
Had to take FW to the emergency room on Sunday. He ended up having an emergency appendectomy Sunday evening after spending most of the day in the emergency room.
He got to come home late Monday evening. I stayed with him at home today until lunch and then had to come to work to finish up some stuff.
He's still in quite a bit of pain, but they've given him good drugs! LOL!
Otherwise things are going really really well between us. Hard to explain the subtle differences from before, but it's a good change.
Talk later!
BFM
BFM:
Glad things are still looking up! Look forward to your posts and hearing positive things! Hope FW is feeling better!
God Bless!
BA
Sweety, I really hope FW is doing well, you are so strong ! Take care of yourself and find some time for yourself in all of this !
Love you xxx
Hi BFM,
Just checking to see if all is well .....probably very busy with your life, FW and kids. It sounds like a great way to live life !
Take care sweety xxx Thinking of you, always ...........
HI BFM,
Glad to hear FW is doing well. So happy for you that things have worked out.
I am not so strong or lucky. I think I have had enough. Funny I think most MLCer here disappear. My H never has really left. He is pretty much trying to pull off the "I want them both" idea he told our MC a year ago. I think I must totally disengage.
Hey guys,
things are going pretty well here lately. I had my elective surgery on Monday. A little sore, but overall doing well.
My S5 is the sweetest little guy EVER! He was SOOO worried about me at the hospital. Almost afraid to touch me once they got the IV's and things in. Then this morning my car door was frozen and I was pulling on it pretty hard (a no no for me right now). S5 yelled at me and said, "Mommy, the Dr. said you aren't supposed to pull on anything really hard right now! Stop, don't hurt yourself!" So I did and went inside to get FW to open the door for me.
FW is doing well. Got the "all clear" from his Dr. to do whatever he wants now after his surgery. Just in time for him to take care of me
Friday we went out to dinner and HOWAD walked in with some friends. I didn't actually see her since my back was to the door and she got sat on the other side of the restaurant from us. We were almost done by the time she got there anyway.
Then, good story, as we were driving away from the restaurant to go shopping just a few minutes after seeing her a Covenant Transport truck pulled around our vehicle, slowed down, basically cutting us off and pulled into a rest area right in front of us. I don't know how many of you follow the Charlyne Cares newsletters or read anything on their website, but they have a big section about Covenant Transport trucks and how their trucks have been signs to people standing for their marriage that they need to continue standing or that they are a sign that God wants their marriage to work etc. Anyway, I noticed the truck right away and FW did not know the story of the Covnenant Transport trucks so I told him.
Funny thing, I've never seen one of those trucks before in my life. Didn't even know that they were around here and we see one together right after seeing her. Just reinforced to me that God is working in our lives.
We ended up having a wonderful night together. FW bought me lots of good stuff from Vic's Secret and then I had fun modeling for him later
Hope things are well for you guys.
BFM
Sounds fantastic BFM. I am glad to see both you and FW are recovering well.
I have yet to see a Covenant truck but I am sure that He wants me to stand.
BFM,
you sound wonderful....the strong and cheerful woman I have grown to know over here !!!
I hope your recovery is swift and that FW pampers you !
I read about those covenant trucks all the time on their website, I'm afraid that they don't have them over here...
BUT.....I once saw a CONWAY truck here....figured that was a sign !
BFM:
You are such an inspiration! I'm keeping my eyes open for a Covenant Truck!
Thank you for continuing to post your updates....they give me hope!
I'm happy for you and FW.
BA
bfm, I was wondering if/when you think you might move over to Piecing? Do you feel like you're there yet? Are you staying in the MLC forum because this is where all your friends are, or do you feel that you might jinx things by making that move?
I guess mostly I'm wondering how people know when they've actually made the transition to piecing when dealing with a MLC?
bfm, I was wondering if/when you think you might move over to Piecing? Do you feel like you're there yet? Are you staying in the MLC forum because this is where all your friends are, or do you feel that you might jinx things by making that move?
I guess mostly I'm wondering how people know when they've actually made the transition to piecing when dealing with a MLC?
I actually have a small thread over in peicing, but most of my friends are here still so I still stick around like one of those annoying relatives that you can't seem to get to leave once the holiday party is over! LOL!
I do feel like we're peicing right now and that I have made that trasition in my real life.
I don't know, I just feel like I can do more "good" over here. I get much more pleasure from trying to help others than from getting advice.
While I am by no means a "guru" of DBing and don't claim to be an expert by any stretch of the imagination I always wished that more people like me (those working on reconcilation) were around to help when I was in the beginning stages of this whole thing.
It was inspiring to me to read their stories and it was great when they would drop by my thread and offer little bits of help when it seemed I needed them most.
BFM
BFM, I read your post to Treese about her H moving out, that he wants her to kick him out rather than him just leaving on his own. I understand what you said, my H is much the same. He won't leave on his own and I figured he wanted to be kicked out to look better to everyone, but he won't say he will stay and work on anything with me. He's been sleeping on the couch for over 3 years, has his clothes all out of the house, only keeps handy what he needs day to day...
I've never been able to or been strong enough to enforce any type of ultimatum for any length of time, he's left for a night a few times but always back home in 24 hours. He hasn't said for quite a while that he is leaving, but I have quit that cheeseless tunnel about asking him too.
We are both involved in many joint activities and events, quite often we end up at the same meeting or event or friends house whether it is planned or unplanned. There was a period when I felt H was really trying to separate that part of our lives too but it doesn't feel that way too much any longer.
At what point has it been 'long enough' and you suggest to do something that WOULD cause H to leave...or better than that make a decision to stay? I feel as though we've become too comfortable in such a screwed up way of life.
Sorry for the hijack, looking for an opinion from someone 'who's been there' and made it back. TIA.
How is FW? and how are you? both recovering from surgery? Here's too health and happiness!! <clink>
WCW,
I haven't been in a situation anything like yours so take my advice with a grain of salt.
Is there an OW? I haven't read your sitch so I'm not sure.
Anyway, my advice is if you don't have Divorce Remedy get it. I like it better than DB. Your situation sounds like one where you two have gotten comfortable and it's time to "do something different". Set some goals for how you want your relationship to look. What things would be happening in your life if your R was moving in the direction you wanted it to move in? What sort of things would you actually be able to SEE. (for example maybe he would slowly start moving some of his things back in, or maybe the first sign would be that at one of your joint events you ride together instead of going seperately.)
Anyway, set some long term goals - H back in the bedroom and all his stuff in the house with a happy marriage.
and set some short term ones that will be signs that you are heading in the right direction.
Again, you do sound way to comfortable and it sounds like maybe you need to shake things up, do something different. If you keep doing the same things over and over then you can expect the same results. Sounds as if your entire relationship has become a cheeseless tunnel, time to go out and search for a better tunnel.
To answer your question, I don't think you should try to get him to leave, I think you should sit down and really evaluate your R and what you could do to make it better and move in that direction. All it really takes is one person whose willing to step back and look at a situation and make changes in order for the other person to take notice. It won't happen overnight, but give it a few months and see where things lead.
Post your ideas and get feedback on them.
good luck.
BFM
There has been thousands of minutes of phone calls and hundreds of txts each month and numerous times been at her place but H says no ow/EA/PA and maintains he has done nothing wrong. Gotta believe him right?
I don't know if it's still ongoing, I know they have contact.
I have a thread in Hopefulness, never been sure where I really fit. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.
There has been thousands of minutes of phone calls and hundreds of txts each month and numerous times been at her place but H says no ow/EA/PA and maintains he has done nothing wrong. Gotta believe him right?
I don't know if it's still ongoing, I know they have contact.
I have a thread in Hopefulness, never been sure where I really fit. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate it.
OK, so in other word, there is OW. I read a bit of your thread today.
Have you ever checked out marriage builders? You might read some of what they say about infidelity and try a "Plan A" if you haven't already. I really like a lot of what Dr. Harley has to say on the matter about primary emotional needs, etc, but I never was "Plan B" type girl. Read up on it if you get time and let me know what you think. A good plan A with a time limit for moving to Plan B might just work in your case.
BFM
It's pretty good advice.
Thanks, I'll check it out.
I did change the comfortableness this morning when I asked H if he would tell me where he's been evenings again. He said no, he wouldn't tell me. I said then make your list to divide things and we'll review it tomorrow. He said he wouldn't be ready by then (um, it's been 3 years that you've been moving out), and he's emailed and txtd about anything else but our conversation. He refuses to talk to me about any issues we have so it's hard to resolve anything. Like your thread title says, one day at a time has worked fine for me for a lot of years but after a taste of H being around more and now not coming home again, I dunno, I guess I have limits and needs too.
Sorry I keep hijacking your thread, it just keeps flowing!
sounds like he doesn't really want to move out.
Really do read Marriage Builders.
Plan B may just work in your case. It's harsh and it's hard to do (It has to be implemented following several months of a GOOD Plan A too).
Plan A basically lets them see what they are missing by trying to meet all their emotional needs(subtley) then some 3-6 months later if they don't take the bait and start working on things you basically pull the rug and force NC.
don't worry about the threadjack. My thread isn't really much about me anymore since I don't update that often right now.
BFM
Oh, another thing about MB, that many on here don't like is that he advocates exposing the affair to anyone and everyone and in places where your H will feel swift repercussions.
I did that in my case and my H lost his job. Did I cause him to lose his job? Some would argue yes, I say that I didn't his affair did I just brought it about quicker than it would have happened otherwise.
I am a firm believer in exposing an affair to the light of day. Many disagree. I still think that affairs are mostly a fantasy that are built up in our spouses heads to be the greatest thing ever. The finding of their soulmate, the relationship to end all relationships. They start out in secret and they are exciting. They get to meet in hotels and restaurants and they are always on their best behavior etc etc.
When they are outed then they have to start living life. Real life. Day to day with each other and many times (not all) they find out that that other person is not all they thought they were in their secret little affair world.
Many times I think we have to let them go further into an affair for them to be able to eventually come back out of it.
Just my thoughts. I know many will disagree.
BFM
BFM,
I am with you in letting everyone know and bringing out to the light of day. But in my case it didnt make much of a difference, hence his work is MACHO/JEWS (no putdown intended)if anything his bosses seem to be encouraging him and even trying to set him up w/ yet another OW!!!
This is my unique situation though!I think men will tend to stick together anyways and plus I am sure my H has bad mouth me enough..
Not sure being Jewish matters. Know you didn't intend a putdown, but.... Most Jewish people I know as VERY family oriented. In fact family is everything.
How's life BFM ? Have a good weekend ?? Sending you hugs and cuddles ! xxx
Hey Cinders,
Busy at work today and this week so not much time to post, but things are going really really well.
FW had a rough couple of days last week, but we talked about a lot of stuff and things are once again smooth sailing.
OW is out of the apartment, and moved into her new house so we are DONE with that chapter for good except for 1-2 more final bills that will need to be paid.
She changed the stupid locks after he moved home and didn't give a key to the landlord. FW's name is the one on the lease so I'm sure he will probably be charged for them to change them all back so they can open the apt with their master key. Small price to pay I guess to have her out of our hair completely.
I was just talking to FW this morning about how small things will strike me that are so different this time from the last. Things so small that I didn't really notice them. For instance, this morning FW was taking his vitamins and a thought struck me about last time he was home. I remember buying him a bottle of his vitamins when I was at the grocery last time he was home. No big deal. Just part of grocery shopping. When I brought them home he offered to pay me back for them. Then I remembered that he did that with nearly everything I bought for him, diet cokes, vitamins, his blood pressure medicine, etc etc.
When I was buying them I never really thought about it as if I was buying something for him and needed reimbursement, but as part of our regular shopping that just needed to be done.
Anyway, to get to the point. I realize this time that he's not doing that. That even though he wants to maintain his own checking account (my control over the budget and all the money was a big issue with him that I didn't realize until he came back)that it's not a "his and mine" issue anymore like it was then. His attitude about it has changed. Now it's OUR money even though there is a second account instead of just one.
It stressed me out when he first moved back that he wanted to maintain his own checking account. In 15 years of marriage we have NEVER had seperate accounts so that was a HUGE change for me and I was really stressed about making my budget with his check going into another account.
I realize now that I was afraid he was still going to be doing the "his and mine" thing. I was afraid that I was still going to have to live on the budget I had while he was gone and he was going to do whatever he pleased with his money.
That has not been the case at all and I'm starting to relax about that quite a lot now and things are better for me.
OK, I've rambled on enough.
I do find it funny that I'm not worried about OW at all really. Little moments here and there, but I have not had any desire to snoop on FW, to check his email, to check his phone, nothing. Those things never even cross my mind. It's very refreshing to feel that way. It's funny that the things that sometime stress me out are things that I never realized would and the things that I thought would don't seem to bother me at all.
Just going along with the flow and things are going well.
Time to get back to work.
BFM
BFM - WOW - you STILL AMAZE me !
FW is one lucky guy.......
I wish you both another good week and lots of communication and 'fun' !
HEy guys,
Good news that I just had to share.
FW's old apartment got rented today!!!
YEAH!!
We were going to have to pay rent due to the lease unless they were able to rent it out.
That saves us $600.
Big answered prayer here.
Doing a happy dance
FW, it is funny because I have thought about the financials for quite a bit more than I should. Although, it is so important just to have my W back home, I think about how we have been impacted with her earning an income and not helping with anything.
My S11 made a comment after scouts the other night that he wanted to get a haircut. I said to him that his mom will have him the next night and following day so he should check with her. This wasnt my trying to get my wife to carry some parental responsibility. It was simply a matter of convenience since there wouldn't be an opportunity to do so. My S said I dont want to ask mom because she doesnt have much money. I chuckled and said I am sure it is okay son because I take care of the four of us and she only has herself to take care of financially. Oops. I did not mean that to come out but it did. Damage already done.
Anyway, when my W comes home (how is that for positive thinking), I have no intention of worrying about her finances or her paycheck until she is ready to merge the two together again. I expect her to retain her own accounts (we always had one account but she never earned a consistent paycheck until she left) so we can write checks to each other when we need to pay shared bills.
...Good news that I just had to share.
FW's old apartment got rented today!!!
YEAH!!...That saves us $600.
Big answered prayer here...
That is great news!
FANTASTIC NEWS !! Doing a happy dance too !!!
BFM,
It is so good to read happy stories like yours. I too have a H who came home once (for 18 months) but doesn't seem to even be looking back this time. This gives me a very small amount of hope.
BFM - just wanted to thank you for offering encouragement on my post about my D talk with H. It helps to hear "been there, done that, and it's better now". This a.m. I started focusing on what he had said and stopped myself by remembering your post.
BFM, I am curious about something. I don't know if FW would have any insight here or not. H and I have little to no contact and have for several months. My S32 was diagnosed with cancer last year. H was devastated and was going to drive me to where he was to be treated but OW had a fit and he lashed out at me and told me awful things. He did bring our youngest S down there later when he found out that S32 had surgery and was beginning treatment.
I just got back from being with S32 while he had some pretty intense surgery (hopefully the last of the treatment). I didn't tell H about it before hand and just sent an email update along with other friends and family. I had to leave before S32 was discharged from the hospital. His wife was unable to join him and I was very concerned about leaving S32 there alone.
My MIL and FIL called me and told me that they were coming up to spend some time with him but wouldn't be able to come until 2 or 3 days after I left. H has ignored my S32's condition and not contacted him in any way for the past year. H saw S32, DIL, and 2GSs briefly at Christmas at S18's basketball game. First contact in over a year. When I got home, S20 called from college and said I have some strange news about Dad. He is leaving tomorrow to be with S32 until Grandpa and Grandma get there. S20 and I were shocked and H went without OW, too.
Does this mean anything? I prayed all the way home from being with my S32 that I would receive some kind of sign that H will eventually be returning home to us. This happened the day I got home. Then that night I dreamed that H came home and OW (who we socialized with when we were together and she was still with her H). I believe those were the signs I ask for but I was just curious as to FW's thoughts. Sorry for the highjack. I know that he can't really tell me what H is thinking but any input will be appreciated.
Hey all.
Just a quick update. We had a GREAT weekend. FW was quite the handyman around the house and put up new shelves in my pantry and laundry room as well as a closet organizer in S5's room.
Watched the Super Bowl together last night. No big party for us this year, but I was perfectly fine with that.
It was actually as close to a perfect evening as can get for me. We laid in the bed together. D9 crawled up with us for a while and we all snuggled together enjoying the game and the commercials.
I had my head on FW's shoulder and just felt a great sense of peace and happiness laying there like that. It was nice.
My D9 walked down front at church yesterday morning declaring that she would like to be baptized. It was great. She's talked about it for some time now and we finally found a good church where she could go down and do that. She's going to be baptized next Sunday morning when all the family can get in town.
SPOM - I'm glad my post did you some good. I know when my H would talk of divorce I would get very emotional and teary and just think the worst and it helped me to come here and read of those that said the same thing that had since come home.
ANM - I emailed your post to FW so that he could read it. If he has any insight I'll let you know (or he can). I'm a firm believer in prayer and signs from God. It's what helped me keep my patience during some rough times. I'm very glad that your husband went to be with S32. Actually who knows what goes on in their brains though? I think your faith will tell you if it really means anything. I may not mean that he's coming home anytime soon, but it may just be that God wants you to continue standing. Who knows. Just continue to pray and ask Gods' direction and you'll be fine.
BFM
Sounds wonderful.
Always in my prayers.
ANewMe - I am extremely sorry to read about your s32. I hope he is on the road to recovery. I cannot imagine the pain of watching one of my kids battle cancer. It puts any of my problems into perspective.
It is pure conjecture on my part to give any insight into what your H's actions may or may not mean. That being said, his visit could be as simple as guilt over the lack of contact with s32 and knowing his son is going through one of the roughest times of his life. The surgery also has to weigh on H's conscience in that his son is mortal (if your H has a conscience). H's parents being there may certainly have something to do with his sudden contact. At least, that is what seems most reasonable to me. That way, he can at least assuage his guilt somewhat and not disappoint his parents (again?).
I really would not read any more into it than that. His R (or lack thereof) with s32 is completely seperate from his R with you. Reading more into his visit to see S32 while he is in the hospital will just set you up for more disappointment and hurt. On a brighter note, it may very well be that some of your prayers are being answered. Only God knows. Keep giving it to Him and focus on the things that are well in your life (including the treatment for your s32 cancer) and those that you can continue to change for the better.
I think BFM's advice is good. I wish you the best. You and your family are in my prayers.
FW
BFM,
Glad you all had such a fabulous weekend, I am always so happy to hear that things are going so well over there...it gives us all such hope !
H and I also have talked about D lately..not much, but yes, it did get me emotional and teary...
I think that I've found a new level of detachment..I feel more like his friend now than his wife, and things have seemed to jumped into an easier state of being since then...
ANM....sweety...I pray for your son, and for you, may God help you through these horribly rough times ! ((((((HUGS))))))))
Thought this was very good and some here might like to read it.
BFM
Is Your Faith In Your Fear?
by Jon Walker
“But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid.” (Matthew 14:27, NIV)
Across the breadth of the Bible, God consistently sends the message, “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”
The Bible reveals that God knows we tend toward fear, particularly as we respond to uncertainty and change. Yet the Bible also reveals that God is the only unchanging certainty in this world – or out of it.
Yet, is it possible we have more faith in our fear than we do in God?
No matter how complex life becomes, it still comes down to this basic choice: Will we place our confidence in the All-Powerful Supreme Being and Sole Authority of the Universe, or will we place greater confidence in our fears?
Although the choice is black-or-white basic, God knows it’s not simple. It involves a challenging stretch, and that’s why God continually reminds us, “Fear not, for I am with you.”
God is clear that our abilities, our resources – even a belief in the myth of luck – will not be what strengthens us for the journey. (Philippians 4:13) We fear we can’t do the things God calls us to do, and we fear that God will not protect us or provide for us. We choose this fear, embracing the unholy lie that our circumstances are bigger than the One True God.
Our faith in God gets placed on the altar of our own perceptions when we should be placing our perceptions on the altar of unflinching faith.
If you’re like me, you often fear what’s behind the curtain of God’s call, and God – frustratingly – won’t let me peek behind the curtain, and so:
Our fear shouts – “Pay no attention to the God behind the curtain; he’s just another wizard from Oz, using smoke and mirrors to give you the illusion of power and grace.”
Our God whispers – In that still, small voice, he calls us to develop confidence in him; he calls us to abandon the confidence we have in what we see and the confidence we have in our fears. God keeps the curtain of our future drawn so we will learn to live by faith and not by sight, so we will become certain of what we hope for and become sure of God, even when we cannot see how he’s working in our current circumstances. (Hebrews 11:1)
What does this mean?
· Ask God to replace your fear with faith – Eliminating your fear involves more than working up your courage. This is a spiritual battle that requires you to develop faith. But first you need to make a choice – Will you fear, or will you “faith?”
· Faith means you believe the truth – Your behavior and decisions are most often rooted in what you believe. When you experience fear, ask yourself, “What does this fear say about what I believe in this circumstance?” What fears are you experiencing today? What do they say about the beliefs you currently embrace? Ask God to pull these false beliefs and fears out by the root.
· Get caught in an act of faith – One day, a woman who had hemorrhaged for 12 years slipped up behind Jesus and touched his robe, believing he could heal her. “Jesus turned –caught her at it. Then he reassured her: ‘Courage, daughter. You took a risk of faith, and now you're well.’” (Matthew 9:22, MSG) God is for you, and he encourages you to be caught in the act of faith. When you act in faith, you proclaim your belief in God; you acknowledge he exists and that God cares about you.
· Let a friend tell you about your fears -- Ask a friend if he or she sees a part of your life where you show more fear than faith – and then, together, pray for God to help your unbelief. (Mark 9:24)
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.
Hi BFM,
I'm glad things are going so well for you and your h. I have a couple of questions: how did you know that you had forgiven him? Do you ever have moments when you feel resentment for what he did? If so, how do you deal with that?
Thanks! Have a great weekend.
BFM,
Thank you for the reading. It was very inspiring.
I am battling this weekend and I am needing all I can get to get the strength to fight back and figure out what it is that God wants me to do. Not what the boards and experts say is the best thing to do.
Thank you for being a great friend.
B2M