We spend a lot of time discussing the path of the MLCer. What about YOUR path? I will write about mine. I think it would be good for newbies in particular to know that sometimes the worst time is bomb...and things will get better, not worse. At least they did for me. I don't want D but I no longer fear it.
1. Worried, scared. Know something is wrong as everything I do seems to annoy H. Trying DB techniques and seeing a little success but not enough. H is raging self-righteous nut. Feelng timid and intimidated by rages. Don't really know what is wrong but think we can work through it.
2. Bomb. Crushed. Devastated. Shaky confidence. Can't sleep. Lose weight, related health problems. Ls consulted, spouse moves out. Lots of tears. Struggling to cope.
3. Anger. Desire to hurt spouse in creative ways. Want to see him pay. Wish for revenge. "Zsa Zsa" stage of making it all about me...but flaunting in his face. "Up the ante" to make him see "my way." Still arguing.
Very important to GAL at this time, take focus off spouse and start paying attention to self. Good to have friends/people to confide in....
4. Rising. More self-confidence--real self-confidence. Less interest in impressing H. Doing what I want and finding about me. Actually forgetting H's opinion on certain things and doing what I want for myself. Tears with certain memories. Recognizing my role in the problems and feeling overguilty about it.
4. Rope-drop. More self-confidence. Also some ambivalence/resignation. Some empathy for spouse..but doubts on R. I see my role...but I also know what I need him to do. Have doubts if he is capable of coming through. Still, able to be more friendly...but only if I feel H is not taking advantage of me. Less worried about whole idea of D. Start to think about forming new memories instead of clinging to old ones. Laughing more and enjoying life, developing new routines and new tastes. For some, begin to look at others and consider what we want R to be like. Not so ashamed of situation.
Still would be crushed at D...but the whole idea is not as devastating as it was at Bomb and even begins to have some tentative pros.....
5. ??? Those of you at this for a while, and especially those who've been successful, help me out....????
Oh--I decided to add that I'm not *entirely* into Rising and Rope Drop stages. Like the MLCer, I still have flashes of anger, some of them intense.
But more and more I'm moving forward. I find that living alone without MLC anger is far preferable to dealing with a raging whining complaining nightmare.
It's been all about ME for a while and it's been good for me.
Okay I'll bite..a bit different for me.
One year ago today, exactly.
H brings me flowers. Morning wakes me up and tells me he has been having an 8 month affair with our friend. I burst into tears, leave the room. We talk all day. ML. (He calls OW to end affair.) I am in shock, can't think, cry a lot. Keep asking why. Angry. Afraid. Act cheery for my son who is home for Christmas. Sick to my stomach, always. Can't sleep. Go to Sundance, have fun. Cry when alone.
End of January
Month of tears, hurt, anger, mixed with ML all the time, MC, checking phones and emails only to find affair still going. He ends affair again. OW attacks house and me. I am freaked out. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't function. Lose more weight. Am in absolute pain all the time. Disoriented a lot. Speed talking a lot.
March
He recommits. I start to calm down.
April
Affair starts again, I lose it and tell he to leave. (as now I know about hep-C). I throw up, can't sleep that night, can't breathe, book a flight to NYC to be with son.
He comes to NYC in three day to say he wants a divorce and to marry OW. I collapse on the floor, don't talk or move or eat for 2 weeks. Live on milk and Motrin. Son in bed for days. Friend comes by to help us as we are unable to feed ourselves. Total PTSD. Cut off all my hair (tons of curls gone).
May..July
Come home. Hire a lawyer, file for divorce, start to get my life together. Book myself every hour of everyday with something. Read every book I can find. Rearrange furniture. Go NC on H as much as possible. Pace in circles a lot. Go out. Make new friends. Call everyone I know and let them know. Go to EMDR therapy for PTSD (have been in IC all along). Go to yoga. Go to spas. Keep busy. start to feel better. Do lots of paperwork. Cry a lot. In pain.
August..
PTSD gone. Feel awake. Can finally eat a meal. Buy new clothes. start laughing. Seeing friends. Still cry sometimes. Still in pain sometimes.
Sept.
A few meetings with H after the I miss you emails. Don't go well. I am confused as to what he wants. Start to see he is unhappy.
October
Find DB site. Decide to think about H. Start to answer phone and emails once in a while. Start talking without anger or tears to him. Start feeling much better. Forgive him. Feel great about me.
Start to doubt divorce idea. Fires in LA work with him to get cats out.
Nov...
Doing great. Feel positive about myself and my future. Miss my H, but decide its okay. Accept he is gone, am pleasant but removed emotionally when I see him. Having a great time. Cry rarely.
Dec..
He wants to put divorce on hold. I am okay with that.
Okay breton lets see if I can remember:
May 2005, H's mother dies unexpectedly. H doesn't really grieve, holds everything inside. About a month later he becomes really distant, irritable, angry. I am there asking if he needs to talk, he is okay. He wants to be alone.
I am questioning everything and I even ask him if there was someone else and he said no. H is getting really depressed loosing weight like crazy. Sleeping in bed but way over on the other side. No ML, no kissing.
I am so confused, worried and upset. Things are okay for a while and then we go on vacation for family reunion. Calls keep coming in on his work cell phone. At this time I am dropping weight, no sleeping, crying all the time, pleading with him to tell me what is wrong.
He tells me that he isn't happy and hasn't been for a couple of years. He wants to move out when we get back from vacation. I fall apart. He phone rings again and he became very quiet. I ask him who it was and he said it was a friend. That is when I knew there was someone else. He still didn't tell me that it was an ow, it was just a friend. I become very angry!
I get home a day before he does because I left him there in colorado with my family and drove back to TX by my self, checked into a hotel room. Cried what seemed like was forever. I hated him for what he did to me and our kids. I wanted him to feel the pain that I was feeling.
When he got back from Colorado he still denied the ow. Said he was moving out and he didn't care what I said. I pleaded to him to lets work on us. I cried, lost more weight, then calmed my self and told him if that is what he needed to do then do it.
He did, then came clean about the ow. The anger that I had been holding in came out in floods. I felt loss, grief all at the same time. I wanted to kill him and the ow!!!! Wanted to play "Clara Harris" and run them both over with my car!
September I decided I was tired of feeling like this and went to a C. She helped me to cope and to let go of my h. Before I would call him all the time, several times a day, just to hear his voice.
Started GALing. Doing things for me. H started to come around more. He would call our S.
As I let the rope drop things started changing. I didn't cry all the time. I felt more at peace with myself. I let God take control of my h. I felt relief!!!!
My h noticed my attitude change and my self confidence. He started paying more attention to me. It was then i was question myself. Did I want my h back? Did my love dwindle for him? Would it be better or would it continue like the pervious 2 years. For those of you that know my sitch my h came and left several times saying that he was done with the ow.
I gave it to God and let him guide me.
Fianlly in January 2007 h came home and broke all contact with the ow. He has been attending C every week for over a year and just recently stopped with the advice of his C.
Things are fantastic and better that ever with me and h and I am glad that I waited. I am glad that I listened and found this BB. I am glad that I went to C or I don't know if I would have been M right now.
Breton, I know this is long but the thoughts just came pouring out!
Y
Hmm...based on these posts I wonder if the 6th stage of the LBSer is acceptance? And maybe there is yet another one....
YR, you seem to fit into the same general stages:
1. Worried, scared.
2. Bomb. Crushed. Devastated. Shaky confidence.
3. Anger.
4. Rising. More self-confidence--real self-confidence.
5. Rope-drop. More self-confidence. Also some ambivalence/resignation.
6. Acceptance.
breton
I think we all follow the same path. Some go through "stages" longer than others depending on the stich!
Y
I would add..
7. True forgiveness/empathy
YellowRose:
I know I've talked to you on my thread but I just read your stages. Wow, I could just put myself right in there and I would think it was me except I am still at the crying all the time stage. Not so much around him anymore, I try to control that.
I am trying to GAL and ignore him as much as possible but it is extremely hard. I'm not sure when he plans on leaving as I've stated before all the bags are packed. Piles of clothes everywhere. Kids are devastated and D15 hates looking at his suitcase. He won't talk to the kids face to face so he emailed D15. Hasn't talked to D21 since Thanksgiving when she was home. She is very angry with him. She is coming home on Thursday. He will act all happy and crap.
I want to let my rope out. I want to get him out of my head and the OW. The thoughts of them roll around in my head and I try to get them out. Usually I end in tears.
I hope yellow that since my sitch is so close to yours that I end just like you. I want my marriage to be on my terms and if I want him to stay. Will I ever get there? I found out about OW last January. Not sure their relationship right now. Probably PA but for sure EA.
Treese
1. Worried, scared. Know something is wrong as everything I do seems to annoy H. Trying DB techniques and seeing a little success but not enough. H is raging self-righteous nut. Feeling timid and intimidated by rages. Don't really know what is wrong but think we can work through it.
I was here. I'd add terrified to this one. So confused and I couldn't get to the bottom of the problem no matter how I tried.
2. Bomb. Crushed. Devastated. Shaky confidence. Can't sleep. Lose weight, related health problems. Ls consulted, spouse moves out. Lots of tears. Struggling to cope.
Oh dear God, if you look this up in the LBS dictionary, my picture is there. I was a mess. I had a very, very hard time in this stage.
3. Anger. Desire to hurt spouse in creative ways. Want to see him pay. Wish for revenge. "Zsa Zsa" stage of making it all about me...but flaunting in his face. "Up the ante" to make him see "my way." Still arguing.
I never hit anger. I was so sad, disappointed, but never hated H.
Very important to GAL at this time, take focus off spouse and start paying attention to self. Good to have friends/people to confide in....
4. Rising. More self-confidence--real self-confidence. Less interest in impressing H. Doing what I want and finding about me. Actually forgetting H's opinion on certain things and doing what I want for myself. Tears with certain memories. Recognizing my role in the problems and feeling overguilty about it.
Definitely felt myself shift into this stage about a year ago. What a relief to be moving on in some way. Tears with memories-I identify with that a lot.
4. Rope-drop. More self-confidence. Also some ambivalence/resignation. Some empathy for spouse..but doubts on R. I see my role...but I also know what I need him to do. Have doubts if he is capable of coming through. Still, able to be more friendly...but only if I feel H is not taking advantage of me. Less worried about whole idea of D. Start to think about forming new memories instead of clinging to old ones. Laughing more and enjoying life, developing new routines and new tastes. For some, begin to look at others and consider what we want R to be like. Not so ashamed of situation.
I am here now. I float back and forth between this one and the one prior. I am doing much better than I was before and I've found out a lot about myself, who I am, what I like and don't. It's really miraculous that I am able to do these things after how shaken up I once was.
What a great thread....
The journey of the LBS is just as important as that of the MLC'er.
We emerge from the crisis as a much better version.
We grow up.
We become strong and confident.
We also become more loving and forgiving.
We become better friends and sisters and brothers and parents.
This is our journey just as much as theirs.
Embrace it.
Do things for yourself that you only dreamed about.
See a therapist for yourself not your Marriage.
Travel.
Learn a language.
Take up a hobby.
Eat in a different restaurant and try something new.
Change your hair color.
Lose weight.
Don't get lost in your MLC'ers life, you can not stop living just because they are temporarily insane.
You do not need them to be happy.
You may want them in your life, but you do not need them.
There is a difference.
Treese
Many of us here have followed this path. You are on yours right now. Dropping the rope gives you such peace. Then you learn the patience and understanding.
I hope and pray that your sitch turns out like mine did too. Hang in there and let your h have space. Give it to God and let him work on your h!
Y
Thanks yellow. I will work hard on it.
(((((Treese)))))
I blieve I have read that like the MLCer, we also follow the stages of Grief as outlined by Elisabeth Kubler Ross.- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining (MLC Replay)
- Depression
- Acceptance
But then we must have something to deny first, and so I think we go through a numbing shock before we deny. NO, I don't mean that excaclty because I am implying a chronological order.
Shock and denial are likley intermingled--one may come first then the other...but they flip back and forth.
Jim Conway adds Withdrawal between Depression and Acceptance. He said he did this because Kubler Ross was studying those who were dying and Withdrawal was not covered or a aprt of that.
I've said before that I think this is the stage where the person now has their new Identity, but it is snesitive and untested--a crab molts and grows a new shell...this is the new shell stage, but it is still fragile. And so there is testing. This is not button-pushing, but dipping a toe in the new waters, putting out feelers...
DO we each go through ALL of the stages? I think the professionals say yes...though not certain. And maybe they are correct; but we do not recongize them as such.
I went through what may be called Anger--while in other stages too. I don't remember feeling angry, but I had fun wicked fantasies about putting naked pictures of the OW on this giant electronic billboard on I-5...among others fantasies. I knew they were fantasies and took them no further--okay, ther may have be some photos on an Internet site for a few hours--I wrote a profile and she was verry popular!
What is the bargaining phase for us?
Is this us ocmparing the OW to us...and the trying to say if I do...then...? Don't know.
Oh, I know...those LBS's who are complaining about all of their changes and yet their spouse doesn't notice, refuses to notice or says it is still too late...this is the bargaining phase.
I will make the changes so you will come home.
I can see Anger following this stage when the changes do not reap the desired results in the spouse. Anger also precedes, which is why we say they may oerlap and mix together)
Depression: Well MLC is permeated by Depression, I think that the stages for the LBS may also be filled iwth such. For me it was more a solitude, spending time being queit with myself. A time of lower energy, though not necessaruly feeling poorly and hopeless. I felt that only briefly while going through the early shock and denial.
I call depression Liminality. This makes it something that is less dangerous or scary--not something 'wrong' as we think of Depression. A time for self contempleation where a person retreats inward.
I had up days and down days, but after maybe June or July 2005, I don't think I had Hopeless days. But the Anger--that is OW revenge--was much longer. I felt that way toward her, but please note I also prayed for her and felt badly for her.
This Rope Dropping stage...could that be Conway's Withdrawal area? Drop the Rope and pick up your new life...test life. It doesn't have to involve Withdrawal as this period may for the MLCer.
So what do we have then...- Shock
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Liminality
- Surrender
- Acceptance
Am I the nastiest person on these boards but does no-one else ever experience flashes of jealousy - that the OP has your spouse? Even if they are damaged and in MLC. It doesn't obsess me, and I don't feel rage, but I just feel jealous sometimes and, yes, sad, that another woman can caress and care for and love my h, and I cannot lay a finger on his body.
Where does this emotion fit? Does no-one else feel this - it doesn't seem to get mentioned. Are we ashamed of jealousy and longing? Or am I deeply emotionally immature? I know it isn't healthy . . .
A
Yes, angelica, I felt very jealous, and with that came feeling very inadequate because my H had chosen to go be with someone else.
No, I think feeling jealous is to be expected! If I think OW is having fun w/H, I feel very angry and, well, I admit that is jealousy.
And you know, I have to admit that I have been glad when H encounters misfortune w/OW. I feel like he needs that to grow up.
And, like the MLCer, I think we drift among the stages. I go back to anger more than I care to admit, but I am coming towards rope-drop.
And when H talks D, I feel all the way back to 1, but at the same time, that stage is fading.
Angelica;
OMG, I am so glad you say that. Yes, I so feel jealous at times. Everyone here seems to have it so together and I can't even get beyond crying. This is so frustrating.
I often think of OW touching my H and I'm not allowed to even touch him. What is that all about? I've touched him for 29 years. Is she telling him not to let me touch him or do I really irritate him that much? I don't even talk to him let alone able to irritate him. Grrrrrrrrrrr.....
H called a little while ago. He was a crab. S10 wanted help with Science and talked to H about it and then he handed me the phone. H sounded a little ticked off to be talking to me. I just acted like I didn't hear the tone in his voice. And he says I have a tone to my voice, yeah right.
Oh my Angelica
Did I ever have the jealousy!!!! There were so many emotions that I have felt during this time. Each one I had to work through.
Y
Treese - they project a lot onto us of what they are doing.
So he knows he has a snippy tone -but it couldn't be him right? So it must be you. QED as we used to write in geometry!
I think, but am not sure, that the reason some of them can't touch us is that i) they feel guilty and ii) they want to suppress not inflame the feelings they have for us.
Just MO,
A
Well, Angelica;
That opened up a can of worms. LOL!! Aren't you glad you asked? And I am jealous because I would give anything to make love to my H and she is getting it all. Crap, just Crap!!!
Ok, breathe...........
I agree with you. I think my H won't sleep in the same bed with me because he is afraid he might have some feeling towards me. And he says it's because he doesn't want to give me the wrong impression. I don't believe it. Or maybe I live in a fantasy world. Who knows but I think I'm right.
Not to diminish it or anything, but I think jealousy is a part of Anger.
Jealousy is also a result of fear.
In the first few weeks after he told me about the OW I was AFRAID. H eleid and siad she was a client at the gym where he was a trainer. He told me she was older, but fit and had a belly ring.
She is older, not a gym client, I think she's got a belly ring, and not fit or unfit--just naturally skinny.
He teased me with this for a few weeks.
I didn't know how I could compete. Sure I had and was still losing weight.
But my fear that sprouted jealousy began to dissipate quickly when his lies fell apart. And Sweetheart wasn't caught in them, no, he was cycling and so confused that he told me...
He talked about the OWs flaws.He listed all her negative traits--non compatible, not bad things. But some were about baggage she had too...
He was leaving me for what?
And he was...well, behaviourally not the greatest catch at that point!
But sure I was jealous those first weeks. After that, I don't think so because I knew things weren't rosy and that neither was happy. It was their lesson though.
So can there be jealousy if there is no fear?
What do you guys think?
Jealous, honestly no. Sick to my stomach, yes. The whole thing kinda creeps me out a bit. Its like he developed a taste for eating out of garbage cans. Not sure why I feel that way, but its a problem as I having a hard time thinking about him touching me. I feel like I have to de-lice him or something. I find it repulsive.
The revenge part I never had either. I had dreams of my H running me over with a SUV. But that's it.
Treese,
I kind of felt the way you did until after he was gone about a month and then it was like Hunh.
It's nice not to be criticized for boiling eggs. It's nice to not have the TV on ALL the time. It's nice not to have a exorcism-worthy demon H in the house, complaining and whining and sleeping 14 hours a day and complaining that I do not have sympathy for him.
Simply, in many ways life got easier.
Plus I get his spot in the garage (good now that it is winter) and I buy all the food I like and I decorated in a way that I like, too.
It's about YOU, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my jealousy is definately fear related. I'm afraid he is having so much fun with her that it eats me up.
My H did the opposite. He told me everything good that she did, and I looked at him and said, "I DON'T CARE". It was like he was defending her to me. After 29 years, I suddenly didn't know who was standing in front of me. I gave him everything and all of a sudden I'm crap and she's a queen who went back to school and made something of herself. Wow! Blew my mind, still does.
Its like he developed a taste for eating out of garbage cans.
WELL SAID.
The revenge part I never had either. I had dreams of my H running me over with a SUV. But that's it.
I was scared that my H would take me out in our boat in the middle of the ocean and do something. But I never thought of doing anything hurtful or harmful to him.
Breton - ummmm girl food. Three sons and a husband, and now I can eat light and yummy things when I want. In front of teh TV - We always sat down as a family, and still do when teh boys are home. But I relish the freedom of longing on the sofa with a plate!!
Short - I think your feelings about him touching you are the mirror image of my feelings, if you see what I mean.
I don't have a problem with him touching me at all.
a
I work for the school system and when we are on christmas break I am painting my bedroom and redoing it the way I want. Screw him. And I'm going to a party this Saturday, Alone!!! And spending the night, he doesn't know that yet.
My aunt invited me to Florida during the 2 weeks, maybe I'll do that for several days. I don't know, but I'm trying to think about me and getting on with my life.
My H is just very quiet at home. Falls asleep on the couch a lot.
He did get angry over the summer, not bad though. Said I cook to early, and we had too many groceries. What??? I just laughed.
I did play with his head a few weeks ago. I know i shouldn't play games but it was fun. I had caught him on the phone one day with OW, he was running up the steps trying not to get caught, and he tried to deny it so I left.
Then last week he came home and I started running up the steps, he came around the corner so fast and looked up the steps and said something to me. I just went in to the bathroom and smiled. Never said a word.
I work for the school system and when we are on christmas break I am painting my bedroom and redoing it the way I want. Screw him. And I'm going to a party this Saturday, Alone!!! And spending the night, he doesn't know that yet.
My aunt invited me to Florida during the 2 weeks, maybe I'll do that for several days. I don't know, but I'm trying to think about me and getting on with my life.
My H is just very quiet at home. Falls asleep on the couch a lot.
He did get angry over the summer, not bad though. Said I cook to early, and we had too many groceries. What??? I just laughed.
I did play with his head a few weeks ago. I know i shouldn't play games but it was fun. I had caught him on the phone one day with OW, he was running up the steps trying not to get caught, and he tried to deny it so I left.
Then last week he came home and I started running up the steps, he came around the corner so fast and looked up the steps and said something to me. I just went in to the bathroom and smiled. Never said a word.
Short - I think your feelings about him touching you are the mirror image of my feelings, if you see what I mean.
I don't have a problem with him touching me at all.
a
I work for the school system and when we are on christmas break I am painting my bedroom and redoing it the way I want. Screw him. And I'm going to a party this Saturday, Alone!!! And spending the night, he doesn't know that yet.
My aunt invited me to Florida during the 2 weeks, maybe I'll do that for several days. I don't know, but I'm trying to think about me and getting on with my life.
My H is just very quiet at home. Falls asleep on the couch a lot.
He did get angry over the summer, not bad though. Said I cook to early, and we had too many groceries. What??? I just laughed.
I did play with his head a few weeks ago. I know i shouldn't play games but it was fun. I had caught him on the phone one day with OW, he was running up the steps trying not to get caught, and he tried to deny it so I left.
Then last week he came home and I started running up the steps, he came around the corner so fast and looked up the steps and said something to me. I just went in to the bathroom and smiled. Never said a word.
"I know i shouldn't play games but it was fun."
Confession: I did this kind of thing, too. I don't any more, though. And i think he knows it.
The physical thing is a problem for me right now. I am still attracted to my H, and him to me he says. But when I think about the OW, I get sick and repulsed. I am hoping that if he gives her up and does think about coming home, maybe that will change.
I don't know if other people have gone through this.
Is this a girl's only thread? or can guys post too?
Great thread Breton. A lot to think about here.
Angelica,
Where does this emotion fit? Does no-one else feel this - it doesn't seem to get mentioned. Are we ashamed of jealousy and longing? Or am I deeply emotionally immature? I know it isn't healthy . . .
I think one reason some men don't post about this is fear of seeming shallow. My friends wife asked me once how we can still stay in the same house together, when I mentioned how hard it is to see her looking good and miss the physical aspect, she asked me is that the only thing you miss?
I don't think that makes us emotionally immature.
It still kills me to see her everyday and know I can't touch her, hug her, or put my hand on her arm, but someone else can.
Heck yes I'm jealous. But I'm working on it.
No, I think feeling jealous is to be expected! If I think OW is having fun w/H, I feel very angry and, well, I admit that is jealousy.
And you know, I have to admit that I have been glad when H encounters misfortune w/OW. I feel like he needs that to grow up.
And, like the MLCer, I think we drift among the stages. I go back to anger more than I care to admit, but I am coming towards rope-drop.
I don't actually feel jealous. I feel sorry for her cos he is not a nice person right now. He may be acting all happy but the amount of anger he has in his heart for me can't leave much room for love for her. I remember all of his bad habbits often. That helps.
I can also see how clearly being away from my son so much is tearing H apart. Christmas is going to be awful for him.
I am glad when things go wrong for him though I must confess.
I certainly drift amongst stages of grief or whatever it is. So much so he probably thinks I am having a MLC
NC
Short - I am not expressing this well - but I think that because you come from an abusive background you deal with much of MLC much better than many of the rest of us, who come from cosier worlds. I think are more experienced than many of us at detaching from the craziness.
I hope none of this sounds either patronising or that I think in some way you have had it 'easy', but I think it might explain in part why you feel repulsed. I think that is unusual, and if you like, your particular fall-out from this situation. You are less emotionally engaged [not less in love] - more detached, but the physical engagement might be harder for you. I am not quite sure why, but I think they are connected. Does this make sense?
A
A,
Yes, it makes sense. Not sure about easier. I was so traumatized I had PTSD. I had dreams of my H being my father, meaning it brought back all my memories of abuse. So while I know the drill on one hand, I had to relive my childhood on the other. Definitely not fun. However, you are right, since it was familiar turf, the recoup time was faster for me as I knew what to do.
The physical thing has more to do with the other woman than my husband. She is really creepy to me and has two STDs that I know about. She is not healthy or clean. She is also bisexual. I have a lot of gay friends, so the bisexual thing is not really the issue, its more like I wonder what in the world are they doing. She also brags about having had consensual sex with her father. I don't even know if it is true, by why even say something like that? The creepy thing is I wonder if my H is into some bizare stuff I don't want to know about.
Interesting thread. I don't agree that all the LBS go through the stages outlined. I don't think its as defined as K-R stages. Not to say that the stages listed here are wrong, its just that I feel that many people do not complete them. Does that make sense? So many people who go through this and A divorce are never able to recover. Many stay in the anger stage, some stay in denial, others still in withdraw. During this process, the MLC spouse is so mean to the LBS they are never able to trust another person again. I'm just trying to point out that although the stages posted here are accurate and pretty sound, many never navigate through them.
I agree, braveheart. Hopefully we can all get through things and not be bitter forever, you know.
BND, I am bumping because I get it now.
bumping in case it helps anyone
I was thinking about Hearts Blessings comments that we go through same stages as MLCer, only probably faster.
Right now, I am thinking about where I was last year this time and I was still angrier than I cared to admit.
I feel like overall I am still depressed but I am definitely forging my own life more than I was this time last year and have moved, if not towards rope-drop, then certainly waivering between rope-drop and depression. I
I'm no longer angry but today I was thinking about my future life without X. I can't see myself in another marraige. It's a combo of still loving my X and I don't have the energy to start over again.
I can be happy alone, if necessary.
Maybe that's why I haven't dated.
Sleeper, I am feeling much the same way. That is real detachment, I think.
I feel as if I am getting to know myself again, thouugh, and I am liking that.
bump. Noticed this was a topic again....
Forward,
Thanks for bumping this up. I am going to link it to the other thread