Hey Everyone,
Well my other thread locked (sex with MLC?)
the title of this thread, is b/c H told me when he dropped the bomb that when court is done with his Mom, that he is gone. Well we have a court date set for 04/26/07. So I am scared. I know other's that have kept up with my story know that I am taking it 1 day at a time. But as the date nears I get a little more scared.
Things have been going well with us for the past few weeks. H has now caught a cold and he is been VERY irritable. H keeps blaming the cold... so I just go with it.
well I think he may be a bit upset that I am leaving tomorrow for 2 days. I bought H tickets to a NBA game for Valetines day. H states he doesn't want to go, but yet he makes comments about not being able to go b/c of work. Well here's the scoop... when I planned all of this maybe I went the wrong way. I called his boss at work and told him what I was doing and requested that he have th 27th and 28th of March off for this. Well when I finally gave him the tickets on "our" valetines day (16th of Feb). that is b/c H works in a resturant and I have come to grips with that. Well he got upset and said he didn't want to go and how would he get the time off from work since the schedule is already out... So I confessed that I talked with his boss and got him the days off... well H went to his boss and told him he could work... so actually it is his own fault that he isn't going. H didn't think that I would go without him.. Well I am. I bought the ticket's and I am going. I have gotten the other ticket sold to a friend of mine that lives in the area of the game and we are going together. so I am leaving for a bit and it is all going to be for ME!!!!
I get scared about the time H states that he is going to leave.. H has only said it 2 times. but H confuses me so much sometimes. Like tonight we were talking, and H wants a new motorcycle. I said we can not afford a bigger payment at this point. and we have 2 projects started in the house that we NEED to finish. so H said ok, I will keep this bike this summer and just watch to see if he can do a trade in. He wants a bigger bike. He thinks that he would be more willing to give me rides and go out on the bike together if his bike was bigger. I do agree but yet we can NOT afford it... H knows this and he seems ok. but I keep thinking to myself. if you are leaving in 1 month then what does it matter what "we" do in 3 to 4 months together? so how do you interpret that???
I don't know--it seems that MLCers are often a lot of talk but do not take initiative ?
Do you have reasons to believe that he will hold to the date? And why that date??
Very typical mlc confusion. My H did this all the time. H would talk about plans in the future, but still claimed that he wanted to be gone with OW. You have to blow it off and smile.
Thanks you guys!!!
As for if I believe H will actually leave, I am not so sure. but don't I need to be prepared to a point so if he does I am not a blubbering idiot in front of my D's?
That date, I have asked myself that question over and over. I don't know why. I told my H if he wants out to leave now. We don't need to be together for this court hearing with his Mom, yes it is a court case dealing with our children and her wanting visitations... well both my H and I agree that she can not have them. (we are firm on that) just b/c of crap she did to my H and his siblings when they were younger and what she has already done to our children. nothing physcial... she will just undermine our authority and things like that. We tried counseling with her, (btw MIL HATES ME) but that didn't seem to help. Even the C told us point blank that she is set in her ways and the C doesn't feel MIL will EVER change. so you see why we are firm on this?
I guess I will enjoy this month with H and family and wait and see what happens.
for now I am going to enjoy my 2 days away. This was meant for H and I but now it is just for ME!!!
TabD.... you need to read Ping the frog book.... all these event are just making you stronger and stronger.... you are a great woman and deserve nothing but the best and that best is down the river you just need to start flotting and enjoy the ride without fighting the current too much. In laws I could go on about but seriously who cares what they think.... the important things is that you love yourself and realize your worth.
Enjoy those 2 days away to the maximum!!!
Ah TabD, I too hope to be prepared for such a thing but I don't know if that can be possible.
I am understanding that detachment is to try to make the separation process easier, but oh sigh!
Tab,
I agree that preparing for his leaving is a wierd and daunting task. On the one hand how do I prepare (other than detach) for something that if I keep thinking about I may create? Kind of a double edged sword there. On the other I would really rather not be cold cocked again. Gives me things to think about when I can't sleep (so, you know I think alot around 3 am).
Have a really good trip and enjoy every minute of it!
Hello Tab,
My husband also mentioned again to me recently that "if I live here or not he I have an old car fixed up on rims and hydralics. Well, my face changed and I asked him why he said that. He said "I was not trying to be negative, I just said it."
Last night he finally said ILY after not saying it on his own in about 6 months.
They are confused, my husband I think is testing me pressing a few buttons, purposely "letting" his cell slide out his pocket, to see if I will check it.
Our H are very similar I have quickly learned that ACTIONS speak VOLUMES more than their WORDS.
I would go along like everything is ok.
The otherday when I came home from work the garage door was open. I almost did not drive in the driveway. I was sure my husband was moving out even though we had been getting along better. I was SOOOO SCARED to walk in the house. AT anyrate I finallly parked and walked slowly in the house. The kids were in den, they asked me why I was comming in from the laundry room. ALl I could think was H is moving out. I went upstairs and he was getting ready for work. I told him the garage door was open . He was like really? (You see we had had the opener unplugged and it was plugged in.) He went down checked it out. This happened a few months ago the door was just open so we unplugged it. My H lowered the door and unplugged it again and went back upstairs. I was ALL UPSET FOR NOTHING!!! I felt so dumb. Then I remembered I had plugged it in whil cleaning the garage out Valentine's Day. See what an overactive imagination and paranoia will get you?
LOL!
HS,
I know I sometimes let my heart/head run wild. Just like last night, H's motorcycle has been sitting out side for over 2 weeks. When I got back into town last night and got home the bike and the pickup were not in the driveway... I got freaked that he moved things out. Even though I had talked to H the night before and everything seemed fine. When I got in the house and went into the gargage, guess what, there was the bike
H took Pickup to work. so I know exactly what you are talking about. Get scared over nothing and then nothing to do but Laugh at our selves!
GREAT, he said ILY. I still haven't gotten that. but last night we had sex and there was lots and lots of affection from H. EVEN kissing... mostly kissing and lots of it... it was so wonderful b/c remember H doesn't want to kiss! i just enjoyed the whole event. It was wonderful.. I made me feel like he did really miss me while I was out of town for 2 days.
OH, btw.... how great was my trip??? need you ask? yes. it was fabulous. I went to the NBA game(which was a thrill--close game, right down to the wire). H missed out... that was his choice. then we went and caught some reggage music after wards and met up with my cousin's from the area... Haven't seen in a while and it was fun to catch up. Then the next day I spent the day shopping with my Fabulous Gay friend. He is so great to have around when shopping... always knows what to wear
Trip home last night was good. long but good. I am glad to be home. This morning was busy at work playing "catch up" and now trying to keep up with all of my friends here! I sure did miss you guys! I know it was only 2 days but sure felt a lot longer. just knowing you were here waiting for me makes things better!
Grace,
I know it is sure weird to think that yes things are working ok, still trying to detach a little bit each day, and then see that things are good... but then I always think? What if? Maybe I should just cut those words out of my vocabulary?
I have those nights too, grace, awake and nothing to do but sit and ponder things. I will try and turn the TV on to help alleviate that or jump on here and see what is going on. but most of the time I was just out here saying good night to everyone and so not much else would be new
Please read my post back to HS and it will tell you about my trip! I had a blast. Glad I am home , but know I should do that more often. Now I need to start planning for my trip this summer. I am going to the East coast. Maryland to be exact. H's family lives out there. I am taking my D's to see them... Not sure if H is going with us. I need to find out. b/c if he does we will drive out (24 hours). if he doesn't go I will fly with my girls. H is afraid of flying and I am willing to work around that... it might be cheaper to drive... who knows... not me at this point.
have a good day!
Chaflo,
please let me know what book that is! I have heard of Ping. but it is about a dock in Japan that gets lost.
I know I need to take it one day at a time and enjoy life!
I am having computer issues. I will try and post this if not I will try and do it from home tonight.
H is afraid of flying and I am willing to work around that... it might be cheaper to drive... who knows... not me at this point.
MAN! Mine wont fly either! I went to Europe a few years ago to visit my grandmother and H would not go.
I mentioned to him we should fly away together for a few days by ourselves he was like I would rather drive.
I WILL get him on a plane though, eventually.
Drop in on my sitch, I am having paranoia attacks again. I need a way to deal with worrying all the time.
Tab,
Glad to hear you had such a great trip. Shopping with a friend that know what to wear is always fun. I've been doing lots of shopping for clothes, jewelry etc. Not buying too much, b/c I'm picky, but what I do get....I love.
Hope everything continues to go well for you.
Congrats on the kissing! I miss that. sigh.
Grace,
I know what you mean... I will enjoy the kissing and cuddling and whatever H wants to give at that point... Well not everything... I will not let him beat me down!!! I am better than that!
Shopping is fun... I didn't buy much either, pocketbook screamed NO!!! but it is fun just trying things on and getting a feel for what you can look forward to getting!!!
I did have a great trip. I think I will do that more often, b/c I had fun and I really think H missed me.
My day has been a good day!
well I may have spoke too soon
I just talked with a friend that works with my H. I guess she over heard a converstation today that made her mad so she called me. I guess H was chatting with a few girls at work and 1 of them has had 6 kids, not married and such. H mentioned he had a Vasectamy (i don't know about the spelling) so she asked if he was M... said he didn't want to talk about it. they asked again.. again he gave the same answer. Well 1 of the little girls knows he is M to me and said for goodness sake yes he is married. But I guess they all think at work that we are split up. that he doesn't live here... so how do I handle this????
do I take it as, he will let them think we are split b/c he doesn't want anymore questions or anyone asking if he is ok, he wants to deal with it on his own. Or is it that he wants everyone to think that we are split so he can "play the field"??
I don't know what to think. Maybe I should try and contact my DB coach an see what she thinks and how I should handle this.
I would appreciate ANY help I can get!!!
B/c if people think that we are split and then they actually find out the truth, will that ruin his Reputation at work? I know I shouldn't care, but dog gone it... he is my H and I LOVE HIM!!!!!
Wow how life can turn on you oh so quickly... I was have a good day until this phone call... now my night is going to be CRAP!
WOW!
What is his problem! See how he to is making his home life quite. At least he did not say no. I am also wondering what your DB coach will say.
One advantage I have is my husband works with some of my students and teachers and my principle go in there all the time. Plus he loves to tell people I am a teacher, although I highly doubt he has been doing so lately. If your up still drop me an email Ohmenheim@europe.com. I have something want to tell you.
A dear friend of ine told me long ago not to ever let anyone interfer in your marriage. Never bring anything into the marriage that you get from hearsay.
Mabe he was just strutting his stuff without any intentsions. Some men just like female attention. Was your husband a flirt before you got married?
Tab,
I don't know what he's thinking (neither do you). Remember he didn't say no, just I don't want to talk about it. Quite frankly, if someone knew about us (that wasn't a close friend) I would probably say the same thing. Talk to your coach, but I wouldn't read too much into it.
I know it hurts, but try to have a good night. ((((HUGS))))
Girls,
I know you're right. H didn't say no. I have to leave it at that. I have not been able to talk with my DB coach, but as soon as I do I will let you know what has gone on and what her thoughts are on it.
Yes it bothered me. Sometimes I wonder why my friend tells me these things. I don't know if she is trying to help or she wants to hurt me. I just told her last night I don't care. H didn't say No. and that I can not help what he does at work. H has to protect his own reputation there. NOT ME! I appreciate you letting me know these things and I will take them in stride.
Should I confront H about this or just let it go???
Tab,
Having our Hs work in a restaurant is just such a battle. My H job location has a lot of people going in all the time hanging out drinking and a lot of women request him as a server. I sometimes also wonder if they know he is married, I know his coworkers know though.
Last night for example instead of coming straight home he stood in the parking lot with his coworkers drinking. I called him and he did not answer. I was really mad. So I turned off the ringer on my cell and house phone. He got there a few minutes later and asked why I didn't answer the phone when he called back. Then he told me how they were drinking beer in the parking lot when the cops drove up. He told me that the cops never did that before but they left them alone since they left. (I am rolling my eyes.)
Tab,
I'd let it go. I know you'd like the outcome to be a "Wow! How stupid was I!", but it won't be. What do you see the outcome being? Just so he knows you know? Does this help YOU in some way I'm not seeing?
I'd also think about whether you want to hear this stuff from friends. If not give them some guidelines. Something on the order of not relaying conversations back to you. You need to decide for yourself first though.
Be careful about your friend from what you say about not knowing if she is trying to hurt you or not, she could be blowing things out of proportion. Some people who have the best intentions still do things that are more hurtful because they think you are trying to find a reason to end your marriage so they think by telling you all sorts of things it will help you in your quest.
Does she know that you are working on your marriage? Is she married?
I think that I would not confront him now. Wait see what happens, how did he act when he got home?
Plus you dont want him to think you have spies set up. He may get really upset and set you back.
gals,
I know I should let it go... that is what my DB coach told me too when I talked with her today! she said that unless I think that confronting him about it will bring us closer. But she would be worried since it was second hand info.
as for the friend that told me she is not married, but she has SO for 12 years and they are currently separated and things are not going well there... so maybe she just wants someone to go thru this all with... I don't know... I think she knows that we/I am working on this. She seems surprisingly happy for me when things have been going well!!! so I just don't know. She has been a friend for 10 years and I don't want the relationship over b/c of something stupid like this!
I think you guys are right, I am just going to let it go unless it comes up someway or how in a coversations. Who knows if it ever will... But I don't know everything that is said at his job and he doesn't at mine... and I think that is why we no longer work together... this is best for us to have separate jobs so that time together at home was more beneficial.
Like Always THANKS!!! you guys are life savers...
Wow, just an update, H stayed home again last night with me. He didn't ask to go out with the guys or anything. it has been 2 full weeks since he has gone out by himself. Tonight H is going out with me. it is my BIL's bday and so we are celebrating.
Hopefully things go well.
gotta run. Need to get gussied up for the night out
EXCELLENT!
He is showing you he loves you through his actions, and since he is a man of little words it will come in the form of ILY.
TabD, I hope this continues to go your way....
Tab,
how was BIL's b-day? I hope all went well for you. Let us know.
TabD, My H also stated the intent to move out by early May.
Brenton,
I am sorry, let's just hope it is a lot of CRAP talk! I will pop over to your thread and chat with you!!
Grace,
BIL's birthday was GREAT!! had a good time with everyone. H seemed to be comfortable even though it was my family.
We were laughing and having a good. H was flirting with me and I was back at him! it felt like old times when we were younger!
yesterday was good too! we spent the whole day together, shopping and watching movies and we also went to a bike show together!
H wanted to go out and buy a Flat screen TV... to much Moola right now, but I bargained with him
My H gets bonus'. so I told him if he brings home a $900 bonus then I would make up the difference of $400 or so to buy one. so that makes me think that he really isn't going anywhere. B/c H also made a comment yesterday about going out east with us this summer and also about getting things done in the house. H said that we would have EVERYTHING done by the end of summer! so how does that sound?
From a man who claims he was going to move out. PLEASE! He does not sound like he is going anywhere.
Its funny when I think back at how my husband told me he was at a point to where he was about to move out, then claimed I did not let him move out, to explaining to me how he could have moved out behind my back while I was at work, to now where we are ok again.
MLCers are just nuts.
I am so glad everything went well and that you guys are making future plans.
yes, you are right HS, those MLCer's just don't know what they are doing 3/4th's of the time.
I know I want to keep thinking he isn't going anywhere, but yet in the back of my mind. I am totally freaked out. is he telling me one thing and actually thinking another?
we just had lunch together, per H's req. and it was good. H did decide to go out east with us this summer. H said he wasn't sure b/c of the time we would go. I told him early summer June, I asked him why. B/c he wants to go out to Sturgis this year. I told him go. it is only a few days and H has 2 weeks of Vacation a year... he hasn't used ANY!!! so I think he will actually come with us!
I will keep you updated on that one.
Tab,
That's good news that he's going with you. I know exactly what you mean about their saying one thing and possibly planning another. I've been really focused on actions more than anything (both his and mine). I keep a journal to keep track and it lets me evaluate things a few days later, if something comes up.
Take care.
Grace,
HMMMMMM a journal. Yep I got, write in it? nope well not all the time... it has been a couple of weeks since I did. I was writing in it everynight there for a while. maybe b/c I feel things are getting better I don't write. I know I should that way when I look back in this journal I will see the good as well as the bad, right?
I have been trying to watch the actions. b/c they really do speak louder than words. Like H has a LOT more eye contact with me. he is giving me Hugs when he leaves about 80% of the time. I don't push anything. when he leaves I tell him, have a good day and I will see you later. H is now contacting me on the phone instead of me always calling him. so I take these all as good signs.
Also H wants to get a new big screen TV... well in my last post ( i think ) I told about a bargin I made with him. that he has to bring home a bonus of at least $900 and then I will make up the difference... well if H was planning on leaving would you make a bargin like that and would you want to buy something like that together now at this point?
I guess this is what confuses me
Tab,
It's all confusing b/c they're so confused. In the sane world I don't think he'd make that bargain if he was planning on leaving. Is he in a sane world? My H seems to be living in Oz. He doesn't DO anything too nuts. It's what he says (or in some cases what he doesn't).
Even on the days I don't actually journal, I keep a small notepad with things like, he hugged me or he was more talkative than usual, stuff like that in it. I also write quick notes in it about what I did (good or bad). It helps me see what's working.
I'm really glad he the one calling you now. Sounds like some good stuff.
Have a great day.
I am not sure that H is completely back in the "sane" world. but maybe we are getting closer. I am hoping, but yet being leary. I don't want to get my hopes up and then have my world come crashing down around me.
So right now I guess I will take it as he wants a Big Screen TV and do what it takes to get it.
We have about 3 weeks before court with his mom and so I guess we will definately figure out what H does at that point.
Until then I will just accept the happy and good times and just enjoy them.
I think that's the best you can do.....for now.
That sounds like a great plan. Enjoy them... cherish them... and pray that they continue!
Since things seem to be going well... after ML last night I said ILY and H didn't respond. I didn't say it very loud, so maybe he didn't hear.
should I say it again? or just let it go?
I think maybe I am getting nervous as each day passes and it gets 1 day closer to the court date with his mother.
please any advice would be GREAT!
I think I would go with the thought he didn't hear you. Having said that though, I wouldn't say it again. I understand the nerves getting to you, but be careful you don't start being needy and pushy to get reassurances he can't give you now.
TabD,
I agree with Grace... don't say it again. More than likely he heard you. I haven't told my XH I loved him for a long time. That doesn't change the fact that is what I feel in my heart... but I know that if I told him that he would panic and run like heck!
Let time pass.... if he says it, of course feel free to respond. Let your actions show love. For some reason (My XH at least) men find hearing someone say that they love them scares the (you know what) rihgt out of them. But showing them that you love them doesn't scare them as much.
Just my suggestion.
R2
Thanks for the suggestion and/or advice. I will not say it again. I thought since things were going well... but I guess I will have to wait for H to say it first.
I do say it everyday but not to him. I want the world to know I love him. I think that they do, then why can't H see it?
H went out last night and before he left gave me a big hug and a quick kiss... H hasn't done that in months... so I think that is his way so saying ILY... I guess read his actions. more than what he says!
I am so glad I found this place... I don't know where else to vent. Well I have HeartScared :o) Thanks HS, you are a life saver!!!
well going home on lunch maybe H will be awake, he didn't come in until 7a.m. gave me a line about how he fell asleep on a guys couch.. he seems really sympathetic. but you know they can do that and being lying to you... How do you really know the truth? I guess you don't.. but then that makes my mind wander and I start over thinking things!!!
Is he breathing? He could be lying, but don't focus on it. It will either come to light for you to deal with or it won't.
Personally,I just handle what's in front of me. I have no need to go chasing monsters. If one shows up, then I'll play vampire slayer. I think we've all got more than enough on our plates without trying to balance another one.
My guess is he knows you love him, but remember that just causes pressure on him to respond in a way he may not feel right now. You're right that actions speak ouder than words. Use that to give yourself some peace.
Grace,
Thank you very much, your right, he is breathing. I can not trust what he says.
I have let it go... You know I took this strenghts test... 1 of my main strengths was Adaptability... I think I am grateful that I have that... I can just go with the flow most of the time. but then another strength of mine is Restorative. which is someone who seeks out the problem and tries to find the resolution to it... so maybe they are playing against each other. I am not sure... I don't think I am sure of anything at this point in my life!
I know I can not and will not say ILY again. Yes I know he knows i love him and I really think he loves me... just a bit scared and/or confused right now. but it scares me.. if things are going so well... then why not? Oh heck maybe when all this crap is over with his mother things will smooth back out... who knows... only 3 weeks to go... I know he is bothered by this b/c H has been smoking like a pack a day.. which is not him. Usually a pack could last him 3 days.
I offered that if he quit smoking I would "reward" him ... H asked how... I said for every day you don't smoke I will give you a BJ... H told me that sounds GREAT... but he is not ready to quit smoking. so I said ok... when he is ready, I will be here to help him... I don't want to push anything... b/c yes I know smoking is not good, but his smoking is something his mother has ALWAYS nagged him about... and I want to be the complete opposite of her.
Hello Tab,
My husband has had allnighters too after work. And I have dropped in on him and it has been a bunch of stupid guys scared their women were going to drop by. They are just thoughtless. I think they sometimes compete with the drinking and then just fall out and wake up sacred that they did not get home on time.
My H recently did this on his birthday. Last year it was also his birthday and at his brother's house so he did not understand why I was upset, go figure.
My biggest concern is that my H is around people who will not know to check that he is breathing. That scares me really bad. I just don't understand why a grown person can not say no to shots? However, I have been praying on this for awhile and his tolerance level to alcohol is decreasing so I will take that as a wonderful sign.
Its a shame they try to drown their stress in alcohol.
Tab,
I'm not even sure I'm alive at this point, I could be dead and living in Hell. I'm like you in that I like to fix things and I'm also verey adaptable (which makes me really good at fixing things!) So, where they can work against each other, mostly these two traits are awesome together. It's just that right now and in our current sitch's we don't get to use them....(somebody call the whaaaaamulance). I know how hard that is for me.....so, I can imagine it is for you too.
I like your reward system (made me LOL). And I think not being like his mom is an excellent idea.
HS, I know I'm from a slightly different era, but as long as you don't totally abuse it...I can be right there with drowning my stress in a few shots. This doesn't mean getting stupid drunk and or driving, but I have the T-shirt on that one since the bomb.
Grace,
That is the difference, it seems to me that when my H gets around other men they don't know when to stop. It drives me nuts. If I say something too often I am nagging I don't want to do that because then he will feel like I am trying to control him like his father.
I feel the same way, about wanting to fix things and be adaptable. Its hard that we can't just fix our H. I always wish I could have just erased all the bad childhood memories my H has. I always take care to make sure he gets really nice stuff for Bdays and Christmas because they never had anything growing up. He really apreciates it too. He makes it a point to take care of everything I give him. He told me once that I was the only one who every spoiled him.
I wish I could replace those bad memories but I cant. Now that things are resurfacing I am not even sure how to comfort him all the time. Its really hard. I guess I am now adapting to these DBing techniques. They seem to be working. My H does not mention our R anymore when he talks about all the stress he is under. It used to be that I was the main culprit now I am not even part of it. I still need to help him get through all this though.
Just be his soft place to fall and offer him understanding in the form of reflective listening. Everything else really needs to come from inside him.
Ladies,
Gone for a day and here you are chatting away
but I am there with HS, I wish that when H's go out that they are "responsible" I am not saying not to have a few drinks... but know when enough is enough. It is like they are trying to be teenager's again... and those of us in the "sane" world know that they are NO WHERE need close to being that. so it is really hard to sit back and watch.
As for my reward, I thought it was a good idea. And if not, some of you just got a good laugh
yes we need to be there for our H's... making sure they feel comfortable in their own homes and that is a place for them to turn to get "relief" it is so hard to do sometimes... it is like I just want to shake some effing sense in to H... but what will that do??? give him one damn big headache?
well Easter is upon us. H has to work all weekend so my D's and I are going to my parents for the weekend. we'll come home Sunday (easter) about the time H is getting home from work.. want to spend some time together. we all have Monday off... going to spend it together as a family. H has already made a point of saying that tonight when we went into his work for supper. He was in a good mood and talked to us at the table for about 15 mins... he doesn't usually do that... so then I made a point to ask if he should be doing something and we were keeping him from it... he said no... so I said if you have to go. please don't let us hold you back. basically trying to end the conversation and "leave" but I couldn't... we were in the middle of eating
Well had a good night other than that... came home... was with the kids for a while... then got them ready for bed. I made jello jiggler's in the egg molds... I don't think they were completely set up... b/c now I have broken eggs in a bowl... oh well... such is life... i am not going to cry over them. I would have in the past... but what good does that do?? the tears will just ruin the jello even more
well best head off to bed... I have a 3 hour drive tomorrow with D's (7 & 9)... should be GREAT fun!!! good thing I have a movie they can watch
have a GREAT EASTER!!!
Easter was good!!!
H had to work so I went to my parents alone with D's. had yesterday off. H did too... D's didn't have school so we spent the day as a "family" The day was good.
At lunch while sitting together as a family D9 told H that she doesn't like it when he doesn't join us to go to Grandpa and ma's. H looked at me and I said you need to talk with her. obviously it is bothering her and they need to talk. So H did tell her that he is going to try harder to get more time off from his job this summer and spend more time with us. but also he will not be able to go to EVERYTHING like Mom does. D9 asked WHY??? H said b/c of the type of job he has. He is sorry but right now this is how it is.
I was just glad that H talked with D, instead of letting me do it. b/c I have tried and it just isn't the same. I know D doesn't feel comfortable saying things to dad b/c of how he has reacted in the past. so I think that is why she brought it up at the table while we ALL were sitting there. She is such a smart little cookie!
H talked about summer plans and going out East with us and what he wants to do to the yard this summer and then we can have friends over... so this all looks good, but then I think... Court with his mom is 04/26. so what is actually going to happen at that point... So it gets my hopes up when he talks like this yet then again I am scared b/c he does say these things.
Thanks for listening to me babble.
Glad Easter went well for you. Your D9 is sharp and I'm glad he talked to her instead of having you do it. I know it's hard to tell the kids things b/c we don't really know what they're thinking and I know I don't want to lie (or give false hope) to my girls. Mostly I encourage them to talk to him (not that he says too much).
I know that fear. Just try to keep the expectations to zero (easier said than done, I know).
I just picked up a new book that, if you haven't read you might like. It's "You don't have to take it anymore" by Steven Stosny. I find it very enlightening. It's actually helped me (I'm only 75 pages into it) make some decisions for myself that I thought were a long way off.
Take care and babble away.
yes, I think that it was best if H would explain. b/c I have been trying to explain these things all along. It was good for H and D9 to talk about these things.
You're right Grace, I don't want to lie or give false hope about anything. our D's know that things are not 100% at our home, but they do know we love them and they mean the world to us.
FEAR!!! expectations at zero. I can say it over and over and over, but when it comes down to it. it is SO DAMN hard. I am working on it though.
I haven't heard of that book. I will check with the library and see if they have it. I am glad that it is helping you Grace, you seem strong and so wonderful most days. b/c I know we all have our days.
Thanks again for checking in on me!
Tab,
That was sweet of you to say I seem strong. I'm not. Like everyone else here my heart has been crushed. I read and learn as much as I can, it seems to help.
Hello Tab,
I am glad you had your H talk to your daughter. It is important we can not always cover for them.
My kids run to me for everything I am trying to have them run to dad more otherwise he thinks that they do not think about him. On easter he was really good about playing football with them. Having him quite smoking has been making him more involved in other areas. So its a really really good thing.
HS,
I know exactly what you mean, my H has said to me b4. the kids ask you for everything. at that point in time I said, well I am the only one here most of the time for them... So if you work on being here for them, you will see things change.
b/c b4 D9 wouldn't have cared if Dad was there or here with us. now it seems to bother her, so H is making an impact on the girls. so that is a good sign.
well YUCKY here today. we have been getting snow for the past 2 days, but yet this weekend it is supposed to be in the 50's so it should be gone... just weird having snow this late in April.
Well MIL is trying to throw a wrench in everything... she is trying to get some people she knows to write a letter about me being a bad mom, a misfit mother, an abuser to my H and everything for this stupid court case...
H is now very very stressed and I am worried, b/c I know this has been a strain on our M. I am afraid that this will get to him and he will actually leave. I know there is nothing I can do . OMG!! I just wish this was over and H was "sane" again!
Just make sure to be there for him to talk to. I know you are going through it too, but he may feel added guilt because she is his mom. Hopefully everything will work out fine. I just can't see him investing all this time with you and the kids if he is planning on walking after the court case.
I think that your right, about investing time into our M and family. And then to just walk. But I don't know for sure that he is completely "sane" yet. I guess next week we'll find out!
He is so excited about doing things together this summer, that it leads me to believe or gets my hopes up... I know I am supposed to keep them at zero, but OMG it is hard when he is there doing things and being more loving each day!!!
Well, things have gotten a bit scary around our house. Court is about 1 week to go. MIL is being VERY crazy. it is hard and we have to deal with it ... it is making H more drawn away b/c he doesn't like to talk about things and let alone talk about something like this...
H has been out of his Testostorne meds for about 1 week and boy can I tell, he is crabby and is making "bad" judgements regarding the family... Yes I know that it can be part of the MLC, but I asked him if he could tell he wasn't on the meds and he said yes... so that is probably what it is and I shouldn't get bent out of shape, but it is so hard! Just when you think you are making good progress, then things like this happen! Staying out late again, getting mad at me for stupid little things that are not my fault, but you know that he sees it this way!!!
how the heck to you do this? HS, suggested a book that she is reading 'POWER OF THE PRAYING WIFE'... I was thinking about getting it if it isn't too expensive. Anybody else read it?
Tab,
Sorry thing are so stressfull for you right now. Is he planning on getting more meds? I know it's hard when he takes it out on you.
I haven't read that book so no review from me.
As to how to do this....I don't know. Honestly, I just go minute by minute. This may sound silly, but I figure I've got 6+ years until my youngest is out of High School. Given that I won't date (wouldn't even if he had died) until my D's are grown, what else have I got to do? I kind of see this as an experiment (is that twisted or what?!?), doing what I want/need to for me and D's as well as figuring out what works with regards to H. If nothing else, what I have and will learn will be spectacular. In turn it will make me spectacular. Does my modesty show?
Grace,
I appreciate you checking in on me! sometimes I feel so alone in all of this.
Med's... I went and picked them up for him and he is taking them again. Sometimes it is like his is a big "little" kid and can not do things on his own... other times he doesn't want my help at all... So confusing. And yes when something goes wrong it is MY fault. I am trying really really hard to let is slide off my back, like water off a duck's back! it just beads up and slips away!!! If only it were that easy
You are already SPECTACULAR, Grace. Don't ever forget that! You are so strong and make it seem easy. I know we all have "days" but your's seem to be less and less!
Some updating. As you know court is less than 1 week away. We now have SIL (little sister). SIL filled me in on some of what MIL has been saying. SIL told me that MIL made a comment that if she doesn't win this court case she should hire a Hit Man to take me out!!!!
OMG!!! what do you say to that?? I told H about this and H has FLIPPED big time. I know H is scared for us and for me
(makes me believe he loves me, or at least still cares for me) but H has been scared about this so he is not talking again or at least not to me.
All I can do at this point is leave H alone. Let H try and work thru things. Maybe after court next week H will open up some to me!
I did get the book "power of a praying wife" Walmart had it here for $11. I am trying to get it read... but having a hard time getting anything done with so much on my mind
TabD,
You are doing good by letting what your H does slide off your back. In my head, when my wife acts out, I already know she is a sick woman so I don't take it personally. That would be like me getting angry at a Cancer patient.
However, I am learing through the adive from 25yearsmic, that if she does speak to me in ways I do not like, I will answer her, "Please don't speak to me that way, or I don't like it and I don't deserve."
I will not, I will not, get angry at her in any case. I pray quite a bit and that has helped me alot.
Regarding your MIL, she is whacked. Since its already in court, that is good that you have filed for your protection. Is it possible for you and your family to move away from her? She should be on medication for whatever is upsetting her.
Your husband should support you and have no contact with a crazy person who is making comments like that. He needs to stand up to her big time. I can't remember if you have kids or not.
Try to enjoy your weekend and keep the faith.
CY
Hello Tab,
Sorry about your MIL. It will work out in time. People say all sort of things when they feel a defeat nearing.
I am glad you picked up the book.
I like that advice of saying please do not speak to me like that. I do that with my H as well. It always makes him stop and start over in a calmer manner. When he starts name calling I tell him "I do not call you names so why are you calling me names. That also makes him stop and start over.
I know how it is letting things go. I could have argued with H earlier this week but I let it go. It makes me feel stronger wen I do that. I realize now when I react to everything I am being weak.
Ok, since SIL is the one that heard this remark does she take it seriously? If anybody that know this woman does you should file for a restraining order ASAP. I don't know if she's really nuts or not, but I'm kind of leaning in that direction given that she's taking you guys to court over the kids.
Just checking on you, how are you doing?
First Hello everyone, thanks for checking in with me! A LOT has happened since I have been out here last.
We had court this past Thursday(April 26th) with MIL, things went ok, still not done, now they have pushed the rest of the case out until June 14th... so we have another month and 1/2 to go until this can be over.
H was very supportive and we have stuck together during all of this. I sat down with H the night b4 court (last wednsday) and I asked him straight out! Are you leaving me and the girls tomorrow or this weekend when court is done? H said that he does still have it in his mind about leaving me and our D's but H states that the thought is only about the size of a pea now. instead of over 1/2 of his thoughts. H wants to get thru court first b4 he makes a decision and does something he doesn't want to regret.
H did admit that his drinking and the crap that has been happening between us in the past few years has been b/c he wanted to get away from it all... H said that he would think about his Mom and then about me and then it would just over take his thoughts. He would then turn to alcohol and thought that if he stayed away from me things would get better. H now knows that alcohol is NOT the answer. yes we still like to have a drink or two with dinner or go out with friends, but shouldn't everyone enjoy time out?? H now goes to the gym, states that if things start to bother him between him and I or with his Mother, he will hit the gym instead of the bottle. So is that mean H is growing up and coming out of this? I don't want to get my hopes up but it sure seems like it.
H told me during our talk last wednesday that he has been happier with me in the past 2 to 3 months than he has been in a LONG time. but right now he just thinks of us as "Friends". I asked if he thinks of us as roommates. H said no. we still sleep together and still do things together... Roommates do NOT do that. I asked if he wanted to stop those things b/c we are friends. H said NO. I like doing them . Also H said he has feelings for me, but he doesn't know if it is "love". I told him that you know that some of the strongest marriages are built on a strong friendship. H said I know this.
I did tell H I will not push him to make a decision, I will not kick him out, H does know what I want out of this. he said to me that Wednesday night, I know you want our marriage to work and grow old with me. but I am not quite back to that yet. I told him I know... he has all the time. I did tell him though that if he leaves that I can not garauntee that i would be waiting for him. H also said he knows that. H told me that I am not going anywhere at this time.
so this all gives me hope. I did talk with my DB coach, Laurie, she told me that it seems that H wants to be in this M, he just needs to feel like he is in more control. DB coach told me not to push and that since I told H I am not expecting an answer that will give H reassurance that he can make the decision on what to do.
Right now Things seem to be going too well, but I am trying to take it 1 day at a time and enjoy the time I have with H and D's alone and together as a family.
More about court and psycho MIL
SIL told me that MIL made a comment that if she doesn't win this court case she should hire a Hit Man to take me out!!!! OMG!!! what do you say to that?? I told H about this and H has FLIPPED big time. I know H is scared for us and for me (makes me believe he loves me, or at least still cares for me) but H has been scared about this so he is not talking again or at least not to me.
Ok, this whole situation came up in court. SIL testified to it and doesn't really think it will happen. I think I believe that. My Lawyer did tell us to file a protection order if we feel real harm. at this point I think it was just a way of MIL getting her point across on how much she HATES me.
H has been very stressed about all of this... i am trying to help but don't know how. I LOVE him and I can only show him how much I love him. b/c when I say ILY he freaks... so I just give him an extra hug here or a hug there. Also H is ok with kisses again... so a quick peck here and a quick peck there I think is helping. I am not doing it all the time.. I don't want to pressure or make him feel overwhelmed by me. I still need to give him his space.
I have to admit that H has gone out with the guys on Sunday night, but here is the kicker!!! H called me to let me know he ws going... this is something he WOULDN'T do in the past. also H made the wise decision of NOT driving/riding his motorcycle when he was drinking. This is something that H has done in the past and he told me just a month ago that he was stupid when he did that and he is NOT going to do it again! I am proud of him. I let him know this too... I told him I am so happy and glad that he was a wise man and choose not to ride his bike home after he had been drinking. This also makes me believe that he is growing up and realizing that he is a man and not a teenage boy!
Any idea's or suggestions on that????
Is he driving at all after he's been drinking? That's a little vague to me.
Sorry the court case got drug out, on the flip side at least he's not going anywhere right now. That sounds encouraging.
It was also nice that he called you to let you know he was going out with his friends.
Sounds like you've got some good stuff going on.
Grace,
Thanks for checking in. I know I have been a way a little while, but with the court and everything. our M issues got put on the back burner... good???? not good?????
As for drinking, he used to drink so much and then drive home... some times he didn't even remember driving home. so this past sunday when he went out. He didn't ride his bike, he didn't drive his truck and/or a vehicle. H had a friend give him a ride home. He did tell me if they wouldn't have given him a ride he was going to call me. so I think these are steps in the right direction. all I can do is praise him for not drinking and also for letting me know what is going, him calling. b4 he said he wouldn't call b/c I am NOT his mother and he doesn't have to check in with me. he can do what he wants. I never argued that. I just said I would like to know if you are not going to be coming home. H and I don't have cell phones so I don't have a quick way to get a hold of him if I need to regarding D's...
I truely think that H is starting to seem some things clearer. I am not saying we are out of this by any means... it is just nice to know that he is starting to think of more than himself.
That's good to hear. I hope it continues to get better for you.
As far as the M issues getting put on the back burner, sometimes life is messy. We just do the best we can. It doesn't sound like things have spiraled down though.
You're right Grace, things have not spiraled down, and/or out of control.
I am just taking it 1 day at a time and enjoying the time we have.
H has the mind set that we are "friends" and I am ok with that! b/c aren't the best marriages built on a loving and trusting Friendship???
Please someone let me know if I am thinking or going about this all wrong!
If he's in the "we're friends" mode. Be his friend and or be unavailable some.
As for going about this all wrong, I don't think so. Do you keep a journal of what works and what doesn't? I find that the most helpful and it helps me to see the tiny positives.
Not sure what he means by "friends" b/c recently it has more like H is the person I married.
Like this morning for th 1st time in 5 months I got a kiss goodbye when I was leavning for work.
H also went out Tuesday night and said he would be home early. Well 4a.m. I guess that is early, early morning, that is. We talked about it. H thought I was mad when he got home. I said no I am not mad I am HURT! b/c you told me 1 thing and you do a compelete different thing. H did say sorry, but I think it was just in the heat of the moment. Also h said he is working on things... like not going out as much and the next thing he has to work on is saying no to going out longer and saying I have to go home to my WIFE and KIDS..
then yesterday morning H called me at work and said I am calling to apologize for last night. h said he knows he is wrong when he does these things and he is working on it. I told him I am proud of him for telling me and I appreciate that he did apologize. So I think H maybe really trying.
Any other suggestions?
I just wondered what happened to TabD
I am back.
Not that I wanted to be, or ever think i would be in this situation again, but this is the best place for me to be. I am just rereading these posts from the last time I was out here. So much has gone on. I have figured out that my H was not MLC... H is an addict. He has been thru an inpatient treatment 09/22/2015 thru 10/20/2015. We had resolved our issues and had a great/wonderful/loving 6 years. Prior to his treatment, I am not sure what set H off. He switched jobs, we bought a new house and then boom, things have spiraled down from there. After treatment things were good and like they should be for about 4 to 5 months. now we are to the point of him drinking again and I am getting the i don't love you and I don't see how i can be happy with you. I am going to be talking with a coach again to help me thru all of this. I just need support and reminders that we have gotten thru this once and we will get thru it again. God is amazing!
Tad,
Welcome back! I'm sorry you had to return, but this is a very safe place to post. I'm sorry your h is back to drinking. It sounds like he's self medicating whatever ails him and that depression could be playing right along w/his drinking. Addiction to anything that "makes them feel good for a while or helps them to forget" is difficult to kick and it takes strength and determination to stay the path and not give in to that addiction. It's a daily struggle for them to stay the path of being sober. Any idea what may have tipped him over this time?
I would keep the focus on my self and your family. I would seriously think about separating the bank account and credit cards to ensure that he's not out there spending the funds either or someone else or on something you aren't aware of.
Unfortunately, you can't control him, but you can control YOu and the want you handle your situation. I think you are wise to speak to a coach at this time. Are you in IC? If not, you might want to think about joining Al-Anon to help you cope and also a safe place to talk.
Keep the focus on you as much as you can and only believe 50% of what he says.
Again, I'm sorry you are back here.
Job,
Thank you. I am not 100% sure what has tripped H and caused him to go back to drinking. There has been stress in our home, my step mom passed away about 3 weeks ago, our eldest daughter is NOT speaking to him, money struggles. So was it that or something else completely.
I am searching for a safe/comfortable al-anon group. I have tried several and still have not found the right fit.
As for the money, if i separate the bank accounts i will not be able to pay the bills, as of now he has no debit card, no credit cards, and we have just went to the banks yesterday and got it so it requires 2 signatures to withdraw cash. i asked if he would be ok with this and H's response was yes that is a great idea, as I know i will go take money if i can. This will help us!
i know that I have to watch actions more than H's words.
I am too sorry I am back here, but I know it has worked in the past and helped us thru, so I am confident that getting support here and talking with a coach will get me and us back to where we are supposed to be.
Thank you for your support
Welcome back to this board.
I will give you this welcome post even though you have been around awhile.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmMichele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Well I'm confused on where I should be. New comers or over here? H is an alcoholic and I don't know if this is just the disease or if it's part of MLC. He has been going out drinking again I know it has been going on for a month now. It may have been longer but addicts hide things so well. I'm really trying to DB. I'm struggling and then last night while he was drunk he was texting me and blowing up my phone. It would take me time to respond and I tried to be detached. But I think that made it worse. Finally a mutual friend stepped in and got him to stop. Not sure what the friend said or did to H but at least he stopped. He told me that he has been talking to this girl and has a good emotional connection to her. I didn't know how or what to say. I know with an addict you believe 50% of what they say and 50% of what they do. I don't know who this OW is that he thinks he has an emotional connection to but I do know she is his drinking partner right now. It hurts and I don't know how to survive
Do you go to Al-Anon?
I think no matter where you post you should be going there.
My 02.
Cadet, I had tried several different Al-Anon meetings and hadn't found one that felt comfortable. I did go on Sunday evening and i felt good there. I will go there again this sunday!
I know that they work with Detachment and being happy yourself too. i think these two places can work hand and hand for me.
Cadet, I had tried several different Al-Anon meetings and hadn't found one that felt comfortable. I did go on Sunday evening and i felt good there. I will go there again this sunday!
I know that they work with Detachment and being happy yourself too. i think these two places can work hand and hand for me.
Good - glad you are going to keep going and yes they are very similar
Hi TabD - I think you gain and keep PMA by building a life for yourself separate to the M. When your M remains very much the centre of your world (and the M is crumbling) it is hard to keep a good PMA. However, if you have built things that meet your needs - creative, social etc - outside of the M, these things help with PMA.
The other thing that has helped me to remain optimistic and happy within myself is practising gratitude.
Xx
I am just taking it 1 day at a time and enjoying the time we have.
H has the mind set that we are "friends" and I am ok with that! b/c aren't the best marriages built on a loving and trusting Friendship???
Please someone let me know if I am thinking or going about this all wrong!
Just reread this post from the last time I was here. I really want to be this strong again and be his friend. Then work from there
Sorry. Thank you. That makes sense. I'm trying well I believe I am. I am starting to make plans without him for myself
Grr. H was over to the house today. He cleaned our bathroom which was unexpected. I maybe shouldn't have but I text him. Thank you for cleaning the bathroom. I appreciate you! He responded right away. No problem I'll be over tomorrow to mow the yard and clean the other bathroom. What the heck. I do really appreciate it. So I'm just going with the flow and will see if he does do it.
I'm not sure how to feel today. We have counseling together. I know or I'm about 95% sure H is going to try and talk about OW. Not sure how to handle this. How do I affirm what he is saying and staying detached?
I think you did the proper thing by thanking him for cleaning. It shows him that you noticed and also that you appreciated him doing so.
If you are going to couples therapy and the topic of the ow comes up, you have two choices: 1) ask to be excused if he brings that topic up; or 2) remain there, sit quietly and just listen. You will have the opportunity to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" if he's being negative about things. She is going to come up in the sessions at some point because she is the elephant in the room and that elephant will need to be discussed and put back in her cage. I know it's going to be tough if she's brought up today, but try to remain calm and breathe!
Job,
Thank you, I felt ok thanking him, but didn't know if i was wrong in communicating with H.
Thank you , i do have options as well, i sometimes forget that. I can leave or i can sit there, that is MY choice.
well been a couple of bad days for me. I am trying, its not like H has done anything personal to me. I haven't seen H since Saturday night. But text conversation with H on Sunday night was a killer... I tried to be polite and simple in my responses but he just kept badgering me. stressed yesterday and today. I have reconnected with a couple of friends that are recovering addicts as well. They are helping me remember that this is ALL about him, not me and also about this Disease that H has. Between this support place and these friends, I might be grounded again.
feeling better about C this afternoon. I need a little advice. I had picked up a straight razor yesterday morning and almost took my own life, my daughter woke up and then my phone rang with a friend just checking in on my. that is my God stepping in. I don't know if I should say anything in C about this or just keep it to myself?
Yes, you should talk about this in your C session this afternoon. It's very evident that this situation is pushing your patience to the max.
Let me just say this...the best revenge is to live well. He is not worth taking your life over. You have children that need you now more than ever.
Yes, you should talk about this in your C session this afternoon. It's very evident that this situation is pushing your patience to the max.
Let me just say this...the best revenge is to live well. He is not worth taking your life over. You have children that need you now more than ever.
Absolutely agree!
Depression and stress can be causing these feelings and
you can FIX those things by yourself.
Don't be afraid to take some meds to help.
Most of us here have done that and their is no
shame in doing that.
thank you Job and Cadet.
I am stressed and maybe depressed. I may not be fully depressed where I can't function, but something is totally wrong if I am thinking or acting this way.
I will bring it up in C. Now i need to find the right words to get this across and not give the impression that I was doing this for his attention. I don't want to give H that power!
Hello TabD,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Focus all of your time, effort and energy on being the best TabD and Mom for you and you precious kids.
Definitely mention the straight razor thoughts to your C. In fact, don't just mention it...make it a priority. Also ask your C if there is a crisis line you can call any time of day or night if you get those feelings again. You're worth it!
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I will mention it! thanks.
Well made it thru C with H. I had the craptasic time of telling him about his D-16 is so mad she won't even let H drive her to work.
Then I talked about my desire to end it all. H flipped out on me. I don't know how to take that. But I just told H "I'm sorry you are upset" left it at that.
I have to keep positive and stay strong. Reading a LOT on detachment and small things that will help me with H.
C did suggest we may see another C that specializes in addiction. H was not against it but the ball is in his court on that one.
H lied about drinking in C and I made a face and H saw it. I did say o was sorry because even though I know h is drinking all the time H is not ready to admit it. Knowing the addict and the disease this what I had to do. Also I have to remember that he is not himself and he is believing these lies right now
Did let H know that financially there isn't money to get his own place. That is his situation and H has to figure it out without taking money from the household income. I told H that these are the consequences for moving out.
Wow I don't know how well I did on being strong or detaching. As when we were leaving C we chatted while he smoked and then he gave me a hug and kiss. Was I wrong to accept it? I know it isn't part of the detaching but it felt good.
Sounds like a lot of discussion took place today. This is good. There were a few things that needed to be brought up and I'm glad it was done during therapy.
I do agree that your h needs to see someone who specializes in addiction. Time will tell if he will follow thru on the suggestion. Why apologize for making a face when you knew your h was lying about the drinking...don't cover up his mess. I'm sure the therapist could tell what was going on and that why the therapist suggested someone who specializes in addiction. Don't enable him.
Well, he now knows that there isn't enough money to go around for him to get a place of his own. If he gets desperate eough, he'll bunk w/a friend and sleep on the couch or on the floor...but that's his problem.
You sound much better this afternoon. If your h initiates the hug and a kiss, if you want to accept these gestures, then do so. Where your wrong to accept? I don't think so, just as long as you keep your expectations dialed down on low and aren't expecting him to be the old h any time soon.
Continue to go to you Al-Anon meetings. You may want to consider IC just for yourself. It would be a safe place for you to talk about your situation and how you are feeling. Joint counseling isn't always the best place for such things, especially if your h is going to flip out on you.
Please take care of yourself.
Hi TabD,
I'm proud of you for talking about your suicidal thoughts in counseling. That took a lot of guts. Good for you. As someone coming up on 29 years of sobriety, please don't give up before the miracle happens. Not to sound too cliche, but seriously that is a permanent solution to an issue which will, in the long run of your time on this planet, be temporary. I'm not minimizing what you're going thru- I have had those thoughts myself. It's not worth it - your family needs you and YOU are worth it, so please hang in there. xoxoxo
I would like to add, my H may have started drinking after his 30th anniversary. I have no proof, just that his behavior is so spot on for an active addict that if he hasn't picked up yet, you know it's coming if he doesn't change his ways. I have detached to the best of my ability. THis is his battle to fight. I need to be strong for myself and my son. Not an easy place to get to, but feels so much better now that I'm here. You can do this too. I know you can! xoxoxo
Job,
Thank you all for checking in on me. Need to remember there is support and help out there. I am feeling better. Just getting it out has really helped. I should have known that suicide would NOT be my answer but I was so low and couldn't see another option.
I am going to an IC as well. Joint C suggested melatonin to help me sleep too. I do know that I'm not sleeping much and that is not helpful. Stress diet is not the way to go either.
On the hug and kiss I was OK with it. I know it's not going to happen every time but I'll take it. But it sure felt nice to have his arms around me. Maybe t put just a little back together or something. Didn't feel foreign nor awkward. It was nice and warm. It actually was the beat hug since probably March when he started drinking again. Just going to move on and proceed with my night. Basketball is on I'm watching and just a bit odd to be sitting here by myself as this was something we did together. But I'm continuing on my own because dang it I'm not letting him ruin this for me. I love basketball and I will continue.
Al-anon is a must for me at this point and time, just like this site and my C's. It's Sunday night. This what will keep me on a positive note and moving forward.
Yep I agree H has to figure out how to get his own place. H has put us in this situation and I'm making the best of it. H has killed our credit so it's going to be hard for him. H may have to pick up another job to make his ends meet. Just like a a friend I can only give so kuchen. Can't hurt myself and family to help someone else out!!!!
Hi TabD,
I'm proud of you for talking about your suicidal thoughts in counseling. That took a lot of guts. Good for you. As someone coming up on 29 years of sobriety, please don't give up before the miracle happens. Not to sound too cliche, but seriously that is a permanent solution to an issue which will, in the long run of your time on this planet, be temporary. I'm not minimizing what you're going thru- I have had those thoughts myself. It's not worth it - your family needs you and YOU are worth it, so please hang in there. xoxoxo
Wow 29yrs. I am so happy and proud of you! You give me hope. I know others can do it, I just have to wait for H to hit rock bottom and hopefully my D's don't hate him too much and my family doesn't either. I will NOT give up. I will detach and support my friend but I will try so hard not to enable him. That is on me in the past. Yep it was his choice and it's a disease but I hid it, I lied, I bought the beer, etc. So I can't do that now.
Thanks bttrfly. I am saddened to hear about your H. I will pray for him and you.
I appreciate all the support and knowing its here and also that you are a recovering addict means a lot to me.
Well just had a conversation with D-18, she works with H for next couple of weeks until his new job starts. She said that people are talking about OW and H at work. I'm so sick to my stomach. I know these are his choices right now but dang it. Doesn't he realize that his D has to listen to this. What the heck is H doing. D stated mom she is a whore. And she is going screw him over. I said I can't do anything about it. H has to go thru this and maybe it will be his rock bottom. All we can do is pray for H and hopefully H doesn't catch any diseases if she is really sleeping around on H.
This makes me so mad. I want to call and yell at someone. I want to go and confront OW but this will only cause trouble. How to detach. PMA not real good right now.
I was in a better place this afternoon. How can things change so quick?
TabD,
People in "lust" do not care what others think. They are so happy in "lust" and just don't have a clue. Yes, others around them will chat about the situation and not think one iota about how family members are taking the news. Bottom line...he doesn't care right now what people think.
You can't control him or his behavior. The best thing to do is to come here or find a pillow and beat the stuffing out of it. Take a walk or go for a drive and scream at the top of your lungs...but confronting the ow is not a wise choice right now and will only drive your h and her closer together.
You are going to discover that nothing stays the same. Things change very quickly when you are dealing w/a MLCer. That's why it's important to keep the focus on you and your family.
Also, it's time to start a new thread.
Job,
I will start a new thread.
Thank you for reminding me that things change so quickly and that nothing is set in stone at this point. I have to keeping forward.
I will go to bed on my knees and be grateful for the day and the joys, I will wake up in the morning on my knees, to get guidance for the day forward and strength to get move in the right direction and have the right words at the right time.