Does this sound like a MLC or something else?

Divorcebusting.com

Hi all -

If it's ok w/ you, can you stop by my thread "Christmas help" under "Were Separated, What Now?" I'm so confused and trying to get all the perspective and help that I can. Thanks so much!

I figured out how to link the other to this forum. Thanks all for your help!

Christmas help

Laura,
Your link didn't work for me, but I read your post in "We're separated...". I was there for a while myself. I moved to MLC because I felt like I could relate to people more over here. I think you are already learning that you may never know what is truly going on with him because he doesn't know himself. So, diagnosing him with MLC, depression or anything else may not be the answer for you. I think you should find a place where you feel comfortable, where you feel you can relate to other posters the best.

That being said, I can tell you I have heard just about all the same things from my H that you have heard from yours... their personalities sound very similar. Although diagnosing your H with MLC might help you find some answers to his erratic behavior, your "reactions" are really the only things that matter. You seem to be GALing and lovingly distancing yourself from your H...keep it up! We certainly are all here for one common reason, but I have learned that there is more to this whole exerience than our WAS, it is a journey for us as well. We can speculate what is wrong with our WAS, we can speculate about another person in their lives, but you already know that we cannot make them see the light and even if you know beyond a reasonable doubt that your H is in a MLC, can you really tell him that?...sooooo, what can we do in the meantime? I think we only work on ourselves. I know, easier said that done. Believe me, I am still working on that myself...otherwise I wouldn't be here, right?

We are here for you.

Hi Unbroken -

Thank you so much for your reply - you never can have enough words of encouragement! Do you have a thread? I would like to hear more about your situation as well. I'll have to figure out how to make my link work and post it again.

It's so hard b/c you want so much to help your spouse really see what you see, but you are so right that they can only see what is true for them in their own time. I love him so much and want so much for him to be happy. I want for him to share w/ me the tough times that he is experiencing, as well as to good times. I think that is one of the hardest things for me b/c that was something that was always so good for both of us. That was what brought us together, first as wonderful friends and then more. I hope that he misses that as well when he is clear.

Thank you so much for your support- it means so much to me!

IT,
I posted to your separated now what thread.

Blessings,

Bill

And here's a copy of that post...

Quote:

IT,
I hope I'm wrong, but as I read your situation it sure sounds like H may either be considering or have already had an affair. Again, I hope I'm wrong. Maybe I misinterpret your conversation with him, happens alot when you're reading instead of hearing the words. But my take is that all the questions about you being involved with someone sound like him trying to gauge whether or not it's safe to tell you what he's done.

Separated for two years. That's a good while. Has he done anything to deal with his depression and confusion professionally? Any counseling of any kind to find out why he feels the way he does? 30 seems young for a MLC, but that doesn't mean he's not having other issues that mimic some of the MLC behavior.

I guess if you were asking for advice I would tend to side with the idea that it's time to establish some boundaries between the two of you. I don't know that it's necessary to "go dark," sounds like maybe that doesn't work so well on him, but I do get the sense that he's also someone who could be pretty clingy if he thinks you're easily available.

I don't know, sorry. The whole thing sounds a little bit to me like you both have spent two years apart, but you don't have a lot to show for it. My sense is that he's done nothing to address his issues, and I'm not sure how much you've done to move on and let him know that you're capable of living without him.

I guess more details would help. So I'll follow along for awhile and let you know if I think of anything.

Blessings,

Bill

Hi all -

I'm going to try to copy the link to my thread, so I can keep it in one place. I appreciate everyone's help. Crossing my fingers that the thread now works. Christmas help

One other thing that I realized that I left out, which I think might be kind of a big deal (or a big deal to H).

We've been at this place for the last two months of texting each other, but not going past that point. Of course, I have tons of people try to give me suggestions, but I try not to talk to others about it too much. One thing a friend was saying was that it would be nice to try to move past the current status of just texting neutral stuff back and forth. On Christmas Day, I told him that I had a present for him and that's when he kind of blew up and asked me if I was seeing anyone. He said later on in our long conversation that it made him feel like crap that I had bought him something and that he didn't have the money to really buy me something and also that he still couldn't promise me anything. I think that maybe that was sort of the spark to the fuse that caused his blow up....

I thought that I was trying to test the waters and move another step up, but I guess that must have been like a 100 steps up...

Blowing up because your wife bought you a Christmas present, but you didn't/couldn't get her one is NOT a rational act.

That is simply no reason to freak out. The gift is not the problem. There's something else going on inside of him.

Repeat to self: I am not the problem...I am not the problem...I am not the problem...

Hi Laura,
Ya, it worked.
I'm glad you found some of my words helpful. Here are my threads. I'm always open to advice or constructive criticism

The first one is my most current.

I Hate MySpace
Something to put things into Perspective
Why does he mimick me??
He said, "It's over for me, I'm worn out"

Thank you for that b/c in all of this craziness, you start getting sucked in. Yes, I believe that it just reminded him that he feels like a jerk and that was more evidence to him that he wasn't where he should be in his life to treat me as I deserved. Hopefully, he will think about how he responded and I guess the only way to help him w/ that is for me to not contact him for some time...

Quote:

Repeat to self: I am not the problem...I am not the problem...I am not the problem...

I agree with Bworl completely!! Also, the hardest thing is that we are on their timeline now. He knows you love him and want to be with him, when/if he is ready, he will tell you. The best advice I ever received on these boards was...No Expectations! We all know they are not acting like themselves so how can we possibly know how they will react to certain things?!?! I don't see anything wrong with trying to test the waters a little as long as you don't have any expectations as to how he will react. The truth is you could try the exact same thing one day and he could be sweet as pie, try it again the next day and he might bite your head off.

Hi Unbroken -

I received a very important letter from the car loan company requesting some info from him on his insurance. I know that he has it, but they are needing an update and w/o it they will charge a hefty charge of some sort. I sent him a message only saying that I had this letter from them and wanted to know what to do w/ it and whatever was easiest/less stressful for him.

That's all I said and I haven't heard from him. So what do I do here? I think that if someone else told me this, I would suggest that they should not contact more and he should suffer the consequence. All the while, I'm thinking that maybe he didn't get my message (a friend of mine told me she had not received any of the messages I sent her over the weekend.). What do people do when they have the imposed boundary that we would not contact one another? Ugh!

I agree w/ you on the "expectations" part b/c that has been something that has got me into trouble b/c I start thinking about what I expect from a specific situation and if it doesn't happen that way I worry, etc. This is an example of me taking ownership of his response.

It,
This "self-imposed" boundary seems to be a burden that you feel like you're carrying around, and that seems to me to defeat the whole purpose of boundaries. They are supposed to make it easier for us to know what to do, not harder. Maybe it's time to re-visit this particular boundary and define it a little better.

As for the car insurance, is this information that you cannot just go ahead and provide to them without your husband? I'm assuming that this additional charge will be something YOU will have to pay, and if so, I'm doing whatever I can to make sure I don't have to pay it. Now if it's his problem, I'd maybe send one more message then FORGET ABOUT IT.

That's my 2 cents worth.

Blessings,

Bill

HI Bill -

Quote:

This "self-imposed" boundary seems to be a burden that you feel like you're carrying around, and that seems to me to defeat the whole purpose of boundaries. They are supposed to make it easier for us to know what to do, not harder. Maybe it's time to re-visit this particular boundary and define it a little better.

I agree - I don't think I expressed that correctly when I said "self-imposed." I guess that I should have said that my H basically told me that was the way it should be. I agreed to that boundary only b/c I didn't think that I had another option. So at this point, he is to only contact me when he is ready or really wants to. The way he made it sound yesterday was so final b/c he also mentioned proceeding forward legally when he had the money. Of course, he may just be reacting that way b/c he felt so low, confused, etc., so it was his immediate way to handle the situation. I'm not sure if time will help him think about things differently or not? I believe that I have read other situations that have mentioned where the WAS believes that D is the only option at a certain point, but they will often come out of that thought process. I think that if I contact him too soon (which is why I couldn't believe that letter arrived today!) he will remain resolute in his decision.

Quote:

As for the car insurance, is this information that you cannot just go ahead and provide to them without your husband? I'm assuming that this additional charge will be something YOU will have to pay, and if so, I'm doing whatever I can to make sure I don't have to pay it. Now if it's his problem, I'd maybe send one more message then FORGET ABOUT IT.

I actually don't have any of this info to give him. If there is a penalty, he will have to pay it. I could call them and tell them that we are separated and to send his mail to his mother's home (although he doesn't live w/ her, she could pass the info along); but then again, that seems like he should get back to me if it is really important. I guess I'll wait a few days and then send him one last message.

Thanks!

Quote:

seems like he should get back to me if it is really important

Laura,
Don't even get me started on spouses who suddenly find themselves without the ability to show a little common decency and respond to phone calls, messages, invitations.

My wife has gone through periods where she simply refuses to answer her phone when I call. One of the boys can call her and she answers immediately (usually at least), but my calls would go to voice mail every time.

Back before thanksgiving (another debacle) I sent text messages to both my S19 and wife inviting them to the house on a Sunday afternoon for my world famous stir fry, football, and beers (no S19 was not allowed the beer part). Son replied immediately, said he'd be there after work. Wife never replied. Never. At that point in time I was not very good about holding my tongue and I made a comment in front of the boys about not understanding why she was so unable to at least call and say she couldn't make it. That got them upset at her, and we wound up with a mess that evening. I was wrong for speaking in front of the boys, apologized to all, but she never said a thing about the fact that a simple call or message could have stopped any of it from happening.

Just this weekend I had sent her a tm inviting her to join us for Christmas Eve. Now she was 500 miles away spending a week with her old boyfriend when I sent the tm, but still she never did respond to my message one way or the other. Three days later, on Christmas Eve, my son finally called her to ask if she was coming. She acknowledged receiving my message, but spewed some drivel about not knowing if I was serious or not.

Who knows why these simple acts are beyond them? Not me. It winds up being another of those things you just have to have no expectations on. I know when I leave a message for her that it's quite likely I will not hear back from her. So if I choose to send it, I tell myself that I've done what I wanted to do, the rest is up to her. And I do my best to leave it alone.

They really can drive you crazy if you choose to let them.

Blessings,

Bill

Quote:

I could call them and tell them that we are separated and to send his mail to his mother's home (although he doesn't live w/ her, she could pass the info along)

Hi Laura,
I think this is a great idea! Maybe even leave him one more message just letting him know that you will go ahead and have it forwarded to his mothers for him. Make it seem like you have accepted these new terms he has layed out. If he gets angry with you for not calling him sooner or something (you never know what they might pull out of their a%& to be angry with you for), it's his own demons he's dealing with, not yours. There was a time when my H started counseling and he bombarded me with questions, accusations and any reason he could find under the sun to be angry with me...everything was my fault. It was just a phase though. I allowed him to be angry with me and I didn't take it personally. Don't get me wrong, it hurt, but I found early on that defending myself in anyway just made it worse. When I just let him be angry, most times he ended up apologizing to me for being a jerk...go figure.

Hi Bill -

Yes, they can make you crazy if you let them.

It's interesting b/c during our last conversation (the one referenced under Christmas help) he told me that one of the tough things for him was that even though I wasn't saying this w/ our messages, but he always felt like there was some underlying hope from me to focus on our relationship and that bothered him. I really have not talked about the R until Christmas day, so that was something he was feeling (of course it was true for me, but not b/c of something I said). I asked him why he didn't just ignore my texts that were "Hi, how are you?" and he said that would make him a big jerk if he ignored me. Well, now according to the new "guidelines" that we will not talk to one another it may be that way. I'll say that there have been messages that I have sent him in the past that he has never replied to....

Unbroken: I e-mailed the info to his mom (not sure if I have her address correct, so we'll see...) and sent him one last text indicating that. He just repled that he "hoped I was ok and here's her e-mail address." I replied, "I'm good thanks, hope you are" and then told him that I did have the correct address fortunately. We'll see what happens. Hopefully, he has cooled off and may rethink his decision. I really hope so!

Quote:

He just repled that he "hoped I was ok and here's her e-mail address." I replied, "I'm good thanks, hope you are"

This is perfect!! Keep it up. You stuck to the bounderies and he replied positively. Pretty soon, he's going to be wondering why you are doing so well...

Keep him wondering...

Hi Unbroken and Bill and others -

I was just on MySpace (yes, Unbroken, the dreaded place!

) and I was looking at my brother's page and some of his pictures. I was a little curious and did a search for my H's name. I've looked before and he did not have anything on there. I was so shocked b/c I found his page and it said "In a Relationship" under "Relationship Status." Also, he had this "girl" who is 22 (he is 30!) as I guess his "relationship" b/c they were saying "I love you back and forth to each other on each person's pages. Keep in mind, I just spent the last hour and a half talking to my friend and that is the only way that I can even type this in a way that half way makes sense.

I knew that he had been a little more than "friends" w/ her, but he has told me as recently as October that there was nothing to them and me even thinking that was making too much out of them. He also was talking to me then about moving forward slowly and asked me to give him just a little time to sort of "get rid of her" (my words, not his) so she would not pop up any more in our lives. At the end of October he found out he was losing his job and then everything was halted and he said he couldn't even think about a relationship at this time. Then at Christmas (see my earlier link "Christmas help") he told me that he couldn't promise me anything and that I should move on. Then I notice that over the last few weeks he has been telling this girl that he "loooooooooves" her. How can he say what he said to me in October and then be in this place of "non-relationship" w/ her, which looks a little like a relationship to me, if you ask me!

I have been sort of a non-judgemental friend to him over the last 6 months which is something that I thought was good. Now, I sort of think that I have been sort of his safety net, so he could live out this existence w/ this other person, but know that I would always be there. Now, at Christmas, he told me that he didn't want me to contact him and I should move on.

Do you think that this will actually make him think about the choices he is making? Do you think that he might think about really losing me when I not there to see how he is doing once a week? I know that you really can't know this 100% and I guess that I just need to vent and get this out.

It was just so hurtful to see his words say "I looooooooove you so much" to this other person. The same person that he told me basically meant nothing to him. How can that be?

I guess I've got to give this up to God b/c I can't continue to live worrying about everything when I can't do anything about his side of things. It's just so very hard when you know that he is not behaving like the person that you used to know so well.

IT,

So sorry for your discovery. Doesn't seem to matter how our MLC spouses find to send these lovely messages to us, they all hurt the same way. Please remember that his actions have nothing to do with what kind of person you are or how precious you are. MLC, if that's part of this, is inherently about selfish behavior on the part of the MLC'er.

He's not looking at you honestly, because his thoughts are elsewhere. He's not even looking at her honestly because his thoughts are on the fantasy that he has created in his mind. Right now he thinks she can satisfy the fantasy and that you can't. And understand, I'm not just talking about some sexual fantasy he has, I'm talking about a mental fantasy about what will make him feel happy and complete. It's the trip he's on.

You can't do anything to change his mind. Whether you're nice to him or mean to him really won't make much difference right now I think. But there is no reason for him to think that you will be sitting around waiting for him or looking after him, particularly if he's pursuing someone else. So I'd say it's time to shut him off. If you want to share with him what you've found as an introduction to why you're shutting him off, I don't think that's a problem. You might check with others here to see what they think.

Sorry again IT. Please, please take care of yourself and spend some time breaking away from him emotionally for now. Do something nice for you, put your focus on caring for you and doing nice things for you for awhile. Your happiness does NOT depend on him.

Blessings,

Bill

Hi Bill -

Quote:

You can't do anything to change his mind. Whether you're nice to him or mean to him really won't make much difference right now I think. But there is no reason for him to think that you will be sitting around waiting for him or looking after him, particularly if he's pursuing someone else. So I'd say it's time to shut him off. If you want to share with him what you've found as an introduction to why you're shutting him off, I don't think that's a problem. You might check with others here to see what they think.

Thank you so much for your reply and I agree with you. I'm actually not going to let him know why I'm not contacting him (because he's already told me not to contact him and to move on) also because I think that will give him too much info and I think that's been sort of a security blanket for him all of this time. He hasn't really had to wonder too much for me and I've seemingly had to do that myself.

I also read your recent thread and I was sorry to also hear that you were having a difficult time. I've been praying that God will help me to release this situation to Him and also my H's situation to Him. This is something that one of my friends said helped her in her situation and she said it helped to visualize this in your mind. I've also said prayers for you and your situation and others who are going through something similar. For me, it helps to know that someone is praying for me and I hope that it helps you too.

It hurts so bad to go through this, but I have to hope there is something that will come from this that will make me an even better person and also help even my H. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

Quote:

It hurts so bad to go through this, but I have to hope there is something that will come from this that will make me an even better person

This is the opportunity that each of us in this situation have that we absolutely MUST take advantage of.

Think of it this way:

1) Our spouses are behaving in a way that is shocking and hurtful to us, yet no matter what we say or do we can't seem to change the path they are on, so...

2) We have to let them go, as much as possible, to travel through this journey they are on, a journey that we cannot accompany them on.

3) So what do we do in the meantime? We work on ourselves. We take advantage of the fact that our spouse does not and cannot give us what we need at this time, in fact they reject us seemingly at every opportunity.

Someone once explained it to me by saying that I should consider this time a vacation from my marriage. For however long my wife continues on this path, I have no responsibilities with her and our relationship. It's a chance to do some things I couldn't do otherwise. It's a chance to do some self-reflection, trying to see if there aren't some things in me that could stand a little attention and improving. It's also a chance to flex some of my personal muscles that haven't been used much -- go in some new directions, try a new hobby, explore a new interest.

With each of these activities incorporated into our lives we know several benefits. First we start feeling better about ourselves. Our confidence grows. We begin to realize what we should have known all along -- our happiness does not depend on another person, even our spouses. In fact, if we have been depending on our spouse for our happiness that could well be one of the problems we were having in our relationship. Secondly, this new person that we are becoming tends to be a very attractive person. Sometimes attractive enough that it contributes to our spouses choosing one day to return to us. And if they don't, this new attractiveness makes it likely that we will be able to move on one day.

Don't waste this opportunity. It's very hard to get started, even harder to sustain our efforts. This is definitely my most difficult thing. Letting go and focusing on me seems to contradict everything inside us that we think we should now be doing. Just keep in mind, there is very little that we can do to sway our spouses back to us once they've embarked on this bizarre journey.

The best we can do is be kind to ourselves. Prepare ourselves for whatever the ending is to our spouses tale.

Be strong. I will add your name to my list of friends on here that I pray for.

Blessings,

Bill

Hi Laura,
Well, I really hate to read this. As much as we want to find people to relate to on these boards, I would not wish the pain that I felt seeing things on my Hs myspace page on anyone. It is the most gut-wrenching feeling...which is why I hate it so much

I'm sorry you found it.
I agree with Bworl completely, he is in a fantasy world right now and there's really no way to pull him out of it. That being said, you should read some of the first posts people made to me on my thread about snooping. Not that you were necessarily snooping to find anything bad (like I was), but I think the advice still applies. Please don't go back to his page anymore. MySpace allows people to be anonymous and in my opinion, it's the ideal place for the MLCer because they can remain in a fantasy world; no face to face communication/interaction and they don't have to deal with the day to day stresses of having a spouse/family/job/house/etc. My H is in a band so you can imagine all the girls I found on there...some even under 18! H always told me that he never took MySpace seriously. So, while it still hurts, read between the lines...I think even H knows it's a fantasy world. People say things on there they never have the guts to say in person. And, in my opinion, things said on there are much less sincere than in person. While reading those words "I love you" filled your heart with sorrow, keep in mind that the forum he is using to say it in is much less tangible.
I cannot stress enough to please stay away from there! The best advice I received was that finding this kind of information only inhibits you from DBing and the bottom line is that you never know the true intentions by what is said on there anyway...so why put yourself through the pain.
My thoughts are with you,
Unbroken

Hi Bill -

You don't know how much this post means to me. I know that I will read this one over and over and each time I will probably take a little something different away from it. I know that the only way I can improve my situation (for me!) is to do exactly as you said.

I really don't want for my H to feel in any way that I am sitting around waiting for him. I think that in a lot of actions I have not, but in my mind/thoughts, I have. He really has had it so easy w/ me and has not clue about that...

I am going to focus on me and doing what brings me happiness and that is a good thing. I really like your example about taking a vacation away from this situation and I think b/c I'm so visual, I needed to think about it like that.

Thank you for your prayers, so much Bill.

Hi Unbroken -

Yes, it's not fun to go through this (major understatement!) and in some ways I'm sorry I found it and some ways I'm glad. It may be something I needed to see to help me focus on me more.

Quote:

I agree with Bworl completely, he is in a fantasy world right now and there's really no way to pull him out of it.

I really hope that is true. I guess, when you are where we are sometimes, you start questioning everything that you ever were to each other and start thinking that maybe this really is his true heart. Then I start thinking that cannot be true. It just looked so childish when I was reading through it and I had to triple check that I was actually reading his words.

Quote:

You should read some of the first posts people made to me on my thread about snooping. Not that you were necessarily snooping to find anything bad (like I was), but I think the advice still applies. Please don't go back to his page anymore.

Thanks for that! I agree w/ you! I told myself and my friend that I called that I could not go back to his page ever b/c all it does is upset me and help me to buy into this thing he is in at the moment.

Thank you Unbroken for your support.

Laura,

Quote:

you start questioning everything that you ever were to each other and start thinking that maybe this really is his true heart

His true heart? He doesn't even know what a true heart is right now. "True" hearts, life and love are about making choices. "True" hearts are about being true to yourself AND your loved ones. My H has said for once in his life he was going to take care of himself and do what he wanted in life no matter what anyone else thought. I don't know if you have heard this from your H, but he does seem to be exemplifying some selfish behaviors. His "true" feelings are selfish feelings...nothing more, nothing less. If you believe in MLC, then you also believe your H was not a selfish person up to this point and will not be a selfish person when he comes out of this. Hold on tight...you are going to see selfish behaviors and you will get a glimpse of unselfish acts from time to time. Take them all for what they are as they come. Appreciate the good times and let the bad times roll...and keep coming here when you have the bad times. We're hear to listen when your H isn't

HI Unbroken -

I really needed to hear that. I think when I see other's situations, I can see that, but for me, I'm thinking that my situation must be different and that H is IN LOVE

. It's interesting, I was just at the grocery store and I saw a young woman that was about 22 (I'm 34 by the way) and I thought that she seemed so young - I thought how could H be w/ someone this age, especially what I think I know about her too and really be in a happy place?

Hi Laura,
I can relate all too well. I am 33, my H is 30 and he "fell for" a 23 year old; she is an ex-coc addict, she smokes and carries a lot more weight than I do...she does have huge boobs though...maybe that's what it is...if you're into the saggy kind I guess

. My H has never touched alcohol or drugs in his life and hates smoking most of all...go figure. I remember when I first found out about "his feelings", I said to him, "ya know, she's almost exactly like I was at that age" (in school, passionate, etc) and he actually agreed. He clearly didn't get my point though. We had a child, I had to get a job, we wanted a house and stable place for D9, etc. I am not 23 anymore and when she's 33, she will not be the same person either. People change, feelings change, situations change, lives change, but marriage is about a commitment, it's about making the choice to be with someone, it's about knowing that one day I might hate this person and the next day I might be madly in love with this person, it's about being proud of who you are and who you have chosen to be with...ugh, I could go on and on. This is what I hope H will realize someday.

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I'm thinking that my situation must be different and that H is IN LOVE

The truth of the matter is, your H, my H and all of the other MLCers/WAS out there definately "feel" in love. The trouble is that they're not mature enough to know that feelings come and go. They just haven't learned this about relationships yet. They're caught up in a fantasy world and we have to decide if we can wait to see if they will come out of it. I'm pretty certain H and I will get D...at this point, we're just waiting for the papers to get drawn up by the L. However, I have come to accept that D may be part of the journey on his path of realization and maturing. While this is one thing I have struggled to accept, I know there will be many more hurdles to jump...like if he gets into R with OW

That is going to be a MAJOR hurdle for me...maybe one I cannot get over. You will have to evaluate and re-evaluate your situation to decide if you can wait and how long. You will have to decide what you can put up with.

I hope this helps. You should feel empowered to know that you know more about what is going on with your H than he does

I talked with DB coach Laurie yesterday and she was a huge help to me.

After talking w/ her, I have decided to go dark w/ my H for at least the next month and then evaluate it weekly from there. My hope is that my H will miss that I did not contact him on his birthday (2/6), which essentially will show him that I did listen to his wishes and not contact him anymore. Also, he will have plenty of time w/ OW and can't blame me for his confusion if it is just the two of them. I really believe that he can't have anything real w/ her and I hope that he starts to realize what he is in for if he chooses to continue on w/ her and remove me from his life.

Hi Laura,
Sounds like you are doing better after talking to DB coach.

Quote:

My hope is that my H will miss that I did not contact him on his birthday (2/6), which essentially will show him that I did listen to his wishes and not contact him anymore. Also, he will have plenty of time w/ OW and can't blame me for his confusion if it is just the two of them.

This so great! In a time when we question every move we make and every word we speak to them, you can be sure that you just did what was requested of you by your H. He sure can't argue with that!!!

Hope you are having a good day today. Let me know how you're doing.

Hi Laura,
Just checking in on you to see how things are going?????

Hi Unbroken -

It was so nice for you to check-in w/ me.

I haven't been as active lately b/c I've been trying to do things to keep me occupied (i.e. working out, etc.) and I've been praying like crazy! Prayer and exercise seem to be the only 2 things that can keep me positive and focused on better things. I used to say TV and movies would do that, but there always seems to be something that comes up that reminds me of something stressful, sad, or something I miss in regards to my R w/ H.

Even though I planned to go dark, I've had to contact my H twice since he told me not to contact him; it was regarding the mail that I've been getting regarding his car loan. Basically he had to reply quickly to the two letters to prevent from being charged for something he shouldn't have to be charged for. Ugh!

In a way, I've tried to think of it as a positive b/c I was able to show H that I could be to the point, nice and then let him go (from the texting) and that I didn't try to continue the conversation after notifying him of the letters. He was nice and asked me how I was doing and I just replied, "good, keeping busy

" and asked him as well and he said "good." That was it, but pleasant. I hope that he will calm down from his last phone conversation w/ me (at Christmas) that said that he was going to pursue a D as soon as he had the money. My hope is too that he reacted b/c he was feeling his own guilt and pressure. Now that I'm not talking to him weekly, he can't really blame me for that, so he will have to look to something else, and hopefully he will begin to see how unreal his R is w/ OW.

I'll have to check out your threads on how you are doing and reply over there.

Hi Laura,
I'm so glad that you have been away taking care of yourself. We all find comfort here sometimes, but I do think the ultimate GAL and PMA is to get off our butts and away from these boards and actually do something. Good for you!!!!

I definately need to get to a gym again. I went a lot when this all first started happening, then my gym closed down on me and I got lazy about finding another one. It made me feel so good...and look good too

Daaaaaarling, I think you've inspired me.

Hi Unbroken -

Great to hear from you! I'll post on your thread too!

Yes, working out at the gym has been a huge boost to me! It greatly improves my self esteem and keeps my mind off of things that aren't too positive. I intend to get myself "in gear" b/c it's something that I've been saying that I would do for several years and now I'm gonna do it!

Not that this is the main reason, but it will be something that I will be proud to show off to H (eventually) and to show him I mean business and stand behind the goals I make for myself!

Hi Laura,
You sound so good. You're taking great care of yourself and you're an inspiration.

I'm glad you're away from the boards taking care of yourself, but check in every once in a while and let us know how things are going.

Have a great day

Ugh! Why did I just do that???

I went and looked up my H's myspace page and saw how he was telling 22 yo OW "I love you..." blah...blah... It hurts to see that and I know just about everyone here can relate to that feeling. I promised myself that I would not go to that page, but I did it anyway. I guess for some reason I thought I would see that he was not with her anymore. It's just so hard to believe that he's telling this 22 yo immature girl that he loves her, when he has told me before (when he had talked about reconciling back in October 06) that she was really immature and "more trouble than she is worth" and "she is nothing like you" and that "you are thinking we are more than we are."

I was reading some of Hopefloat's latest thread postings where she was talking about H's likely depression and thinking it sounded so much like my situation. My H told me at Christmas (the day he also told me to move on b/c he was tired of the back and forth stuff and that he probably needed closure) that he couldn't handle a serious R with anyone and yet he is telling OW that he loves her. It's like watching high schoolers pass notes in class when you see that stuff on Myspace.

I don't get it?! He talks about wanting to be a deep person and reads all of these books on that topic and yet he is picking his time to be w/ this "girl?" Doesn't that go against what he is trying to do? I feel like he has turned into this person that I no longer know anymore and that makes me more sad than anything.

I just needed to vent and to put this out there that I will not ever go back and look at his Myspace page again - it does not help and only hurts.

Any words of encouragement or anything at all would be great!

I've just spent the last hour reading through some of the wonderful posts here from Rollercoaster, Was2sad, Holly06, Snodderly, and countless others! I've been praying that God will send people to speak to me and for me to hear what I need to hear! This is an amazing place to come to receive confidence and hope when it is definitely lacking and I appreciate each and everyone of you! Thank you!

Oh no, not MySpace...it's evil. My C gave me the best advice about it. It is a place where they can continue their narcisist behavior by posting pics of themselves, comments that revolve around them and a whole biography about them. Why don't they just keep a journal book???? I'll tell you why...because they need the attention. My H never kept a journal before, then all of the sudden MySpace came along and it was cool to write a biograhy about himself, share pics of his band, pics of him as a kid. The most hilarious part was that even the comments he made to OW on her page were still revolved around him.

Quote:

I went and looked up my H's myspace page and saw how he was telling 22 yo OW "I love you..." blah...blah...

Your H only does this to get a reaction out of OW. Think about it, would it mean anything to him if he didn't get some kind of attention out of it? Basically, it's not about any love he feels for OW, it's about the attention he gets back...that's it. That's what MySpace is all about.

So, the next time you have the urge to look, don't do it! It's just a place where they can feed their narcissistic cravings. You're not seeing a real person on MySpace, it's superficial. And while they may be feeling one way for that moment in time that they decide to make a comment or post a pic or change their profile, etc...it doesn't mean that is the way they are always feeling.

Hope you're doing better today.

Hi Unbroken -

Quote:

It is a place where they can continue their narcisist behavior by posting pics of themselves, comments that revolve around them and a whole biography about them. Why don't they just keep a journal book???? I'll tell you why...because they need the attention. My H never kept a journal before, then all of the sudden MySpace came along and it was cool to write a biograhy about himself, share pics of his band, pics of him as a kid.

Thanks so much for that perspective - I agree! It really is all about that sort of thing. It's interesting b/c I guess that is why it reminds me so much of teenagers, but when you are a teenager, that's normal - when you are 30, it's a big stretch!

My H did keep a journal, but I guess this is something that OW (or should I say OG for "other girl!

) does, so why not H as well? It's amazing how they cannot see how they look, especially when this is the sort of thing that he used to make fun of or complain about when some of his friends were going through the same thing as H's sitch.

Quote:

Quote:

I went and looked up my H's myspace page and saw how he was telling 22 yo OW "I love you..." blah...blah...

Your H only does this to get a reaction out of OW. Think about it, would it mean anything to him if he didn't get some kind of attention out of it? Basically, it's not about any love he feels for OW, it's about the attention he gets back...that's it. That's what MySpace is all about.

Yes, I see that now too. I think it's back to the whole teenager thing where you have to put that sort of thing out there for others to see to make some sort of statement about yourself - not sure if that makes sense, b/c I can barely make sense of it either.

Ugh!

I am so much better today and I appreciate that you asked me about that! I've had enough of that dang MySpace crap and will not go there again! Twice was two times, too many! My feelings last night are a perfect example of how we often need time away from a really upsetting situation to give us more perspective. I think I was just so upset b/c it seems like he is such a stranger to me now, but I have to tell myself that I can't focus on that. I can only focus on myself and allow God to help my H w/ his own baggage. If we are supposed to be together, our past will speak for itself when OG shows her own true, immature colors. But my H, has to see that w/o any help from me.

I hope you are doing well? I'll have to visit your thread. Thanks again Unbroken for the insight!

Hi Laura,
Ugh, I don't know why I did it, but I went on H's MySpace today. I was completely concsious of what I was doing too. I knew it was going to hurt me no matter what I saw, but I still did it. I think I have been around such negativity lately that it seemed to put me deep back into limboland. I guess I was hoping to find some type of change in him. I know, it was really stupid of me. Of course I would know if something has changed in him because I would see it, not on MySpace, but in person. I feel like I have been kidding myself into thinking that there was a possibility that H missed me, that H wanted to come back...I can see this is not true.

Quote:

I think I was just so upset b/c it seems like he is such a stranger to me now, but I have to tell myself that I can't focus on that. I can only focus on myself and allow God to help my H w/ his own baggage. If we are supposed to be together, our past will speak for itself when OG shows her own true, immature colors. But my H, has to see that w/o any help from me.

I feel the same way. My H has changed in so many ways, but it's his morals that have changed the most and it really hurts. Many of his other changes are good for him. He looks good, he has a more positive outlook it seems, he is making more friends and networking more...it's incredibly painful that I am not allowed to share these changes with him.

Hey girl,
Hope you are doing well. Just wanted to stop by and say Hi!

Hi all -

It's been awhile since I have posted here, but I have been reading many of your posts. I haven't talked to my husband since Christmas Day (2006), but I did text him (just after New Year's Day) to notify him of important mail that came to my house.

Brief re-cap on situation: We have been separated two years (since 1/2005), H has never filed papers of any sort. We have been married since 7/22/00 and dated/best of friends since 1991. Since our separation (prompted by H saying he was "confused and needed space to figure things out: career path, where his life was going, etc.), he has seriously mentioned reconcilliation 2x (most recently Oct. 2006). In Oct. 2006, he told me that no one treated him as well as I did and his friends have been asking him why we were not back together. Before we got together this time, he told me that he wanted to get this "girl" (she's only 22, I'm 34 and he's 30) out of the picture that he was "sort of seeing, but nothing serious" and then he wanted to start seeing me again and wanted us back together (his words). We actually met at a great hotel (he texted me and told me that OG was out of the picture now), had sex (which I go back and forth on whether I should have done that

) and then he told me that he was sorry that moved way too fast and isn't ready for anything more. I was extremely patient and told him not to worry that I participated too and that he should take his time and do whatever he needed to do. I told him that I wanted to take my time too. He seemed concerned that I had another person in the picture and I told him no...

Fast forward to Christmas -> We had talked off (via text) an on after situation and it was very friendly. I told him just before Christmas that I had a present for him and he appeared to jokingly tell me to take it back. On Christmas Day, I texted him and then asked if I could call him and he said it was fine. He seemed very tense, but then lightened up a little as we talked about neutral stuff. I mentioned again that I had a present for him and then he blew up at me. He told me he felt like crap b/c I bought him something and he could afford to do the same for me. He then when on to ask if I was dating anyone and I changed it back to him and asked him the same question.... I asked if he was "still w/ that girl?" He said "I don't know what we are." He then told me that he was confused w/ the back and forth stuff and that I probably just needed to move on. He said he feels like we have never had closure and maybe that's is his problem. I told him not to worry about me and if he wanted to see someone then he should. He told me that I needed to find someone else and that there were 5 billion people on the planet and it shouldn't be hard. I reiterated again that he did not need to be concerned about me. He said that he was going to file for D papers as soon as he had the money. I told him to do what made him happy and he said that it wouldn't but he didn't know what to do. He said "no one would want to be w/ someone who is still married, what kind of situation is that?" He said again a couple of more times (as he was yelling at me) that he was going to get a D as soon as he had the money. I told him that I was sorry that he was so angry at me as evidenced by the yelling. He said he wasn't really angry but he felt like it was the only way for me to hear what he was saying. He also stated at some point in the conversation that the "D papers were just that and we could always get back together down the road"..... ???? We ended the conversation by him telling me not to contact him, for me to move on... I told him that again I would take care of myself and do what made me happy and that he should do the same.

After that conversation, I contacted DB coach Laurie and we talked. She was great and we concluded that H was acting out in guilt and confusion and probably did not mean the D stuff. We discussed that my H's 30 Birthday was coming up at the beginning of Feb. and that I would have always contacted him (even though we were separated). We talked about doing something different to catch his attention and as difficult as it was for me, to not contact him. I also told her that I had found out that my H had a MySpace page that stated he was "in a relationship" and that his 22 "girl" friend was going on and on about how much she loved him on that page (mature, right?!) and he even had a similar statement on her page. It was so strange to see that from him b/c I felt like I was looking at a highschool yearbook or something. Another thing about this "girl" - a couple of months before we separated, my H received 3 text messages in the middle of the night (that I have now figured out were from her) and I read them to him (I never would have done that, but I thought it was strange he was getting messages in the middle of the night). He said she "was the younger sister of a friend of his that has a crush" on him and he "couldn't help it that she liked him" and she was this "immature girl." He told me that he would tell her to stop.

So much for the brief re-cap....

So, now I'm wondering how long I should go w/ the NC? I'm about 75% that I should continue w/ the NC and 25% that I should contact w/ a brief hello. My concern is that H needs to really experience his actions and choices and that the NC from me is hopefully causing him to really wonder about what he has done. Also, my hope is that the R w/ OG will start to settle in b/c I know she is not that great of person. I've talked to DB Coach Laurie twice in the past and I can't afford to do that right now. Last time I talked to her, she said I should prob. wait until at least after his B-day. She also told me that I had done a really good job of building a good friendship w/ H since we had been separated and I believe that he knows that when he thinks about us.

What do you guys think? Any advice?

Thanks a ton!

bumping up $\:\)$

Laura!!!
OMG, so good to see you back!!! I can't get over how similar our sitches are...our ages, similar friendships with our H's, the one time sex thing and our H's reactions to that, the confusion/guilt, the lack of money on H's end to proceed with D, the OG sitch, the myspace crap and now the pulling away.

Well, I still have contact with H, but he definately pulling away. He is very depressed and said he feels like a loser, he said that everything is so overwhelming and can't talk to anyone about it because it would be a conflict of interest...and when I didn't reply to that he said, it wasn't what I thought, it's just a culmination of things...whatever that means.

I think what you are doing is perfect! But, I didn't hear much about how you are feeling or what YOU have been up to lately?!?!?!

Hi Unbroken -

It's great to hear from you too! I didn't have any updates, so it probably seems like I've dropped off the face of the planet!

Yes, our situations are definitely similar! I've been working out a ton - it really helps me with stress and gives me a feeling of self satisfaction that I "can do it!!"

I also have several friends that I go to the movies, etc. What have you been doing?

It's so difficult to pull back and let God take control, but that's kind of what initially I was forced to do, but then I realized that's what I should have been doing all along! $;\)$ I thought I was doing that until I went dark and realized I was still so attached to every one of his actions (or lack there of!).

So, do you think I should still stay dark and give it more time? That's my feeling on it, but I just wanted to check it out w/ others. Laurie (DB Coach) said she wasn't so sure that H would contact me due to his own depression and self esteem stuff (he might just think he went too far and this is his consequence), although I think he needs to really experience life w/o me. I think my H thinks I will contact him and that's one of the reasons why our separation has gone on so long. He hasn't really had to experience any consequence of his choice b/c I've always been his safety net. It's easier said than done though.... I just have to have faith in God. By the way, Holly 06 recently posted a great older post that talks about this very thing. It came at the right time, just when I was starting to have a few doubts.

Thanks for responding to me - I really appreciate that! $\:\)$

Hi Laura,
Going dark definitely seems to be working for you!!! You're working out and going out with your friends...awesome GAL!!!

As you know, nobody really knows if it's working on the WAS, but you seem to be taking great care of yourself so just keep doing what you are doing!!! Only good things can come to you when you take good care of yourself daaaaarling!!

Love,
Unbroken