So, if there were a DB Bootcamp, or if we sorta started one here....
How would you design it?
My thought would be to pair someone who had great skills or a needed skill with the person who needed to learn the db skill.
So for me it would like this:
Betty's husband is distant, told her he loves her but isn't in love with her, they have a newborn, he's willing to stay...sorta...but not do much. She needs help from a woman who has been through this successfully or a H who has turned this around. She needs someone to show her how to attract her husband back AND get him to help her. Because if she lays down the law, he's going to rebel, or become passive. Maybe. Or maybe another scenario of help could be imagined.
But the person wanting the help should really be specific about what they want from the helper.
Maybe someone knows what they need to do, they've set their goals, but they need someone who knows DB skills to challenge them and keep them on track and keep them accountable.
Those are my thoughts -- maybe someone else has another idea.
Anyway, post your desire for help or what you can offer as help.
Or YOUR ideas of help.
i think that's a brilliant idea!
sort of like big brothers and sisters?
thanks !!
The journal on what works is really a great idea. I'm going to start that. I totally dropped the rope with my H all week and he actually called today and said that he'd felt a shift. He also called me "sweetie" when he said goodbye. Gonna put that in my journal
Sg
I get it. I think we reach some folks where they are because we have been there.
Others not so much...
I think if I reach someone it is becuase it is from what I myself have experienced.
I naturally tend to advise the husbands but not always. I see folks who stuggle with detaching and I get that part. I struggled.
I see husbands who struggle with self esteem. I get how painful it is to be hurt by your spouse and what that does to the male psyche. I struggled with that.
I think universal is the idea that when you get here you are a victim of someone's bad behavior or choices.
One of the things that is so powerful about the community here is applying DB principlas to lift yourself out of that role. Take responsibility for your own happiness and not leave it in the hands of a WAS.
To stop being the victim.
Whether you were good or bad in your M it is for you to say and for you to change.
If you let your spouse be the excuse for not doing better then you are done.
If you let your spouse decide what you want, you are done.
So how do we pick teams?
True-
I became a better DBer--helped my own relationships when I started giving advice, because I realized I wasn't following my own advice, which was an echo of what Michele had told me.
Picking teams---
Do what you want--post it here. It might be easier if the newbie makes a request.....but any pair up is good.
IN FACT--it would be good if 2 oldtimer paired up to keep each other accountable about their own relationship. However, I found once I started giving advice, I stopped asking for it...and tried to pay attention on my own. I'm not sure that's a great idea. WE ALL NEED HELP ALL THE TIME. Whether we seek it or not....we are all still growing, or should be.
Seems like a very interesting idea. I'm very intrigued. Everything is so confusing. My WAH filing the divorce papers instead of just being separated first puts us in a major disadvantage and I have fairly regular contact with him because of our daughter.
I like this idea... hoping there enough successful oldtimers still coming to the boards...
Perhaps a series of background questions to form better match-ups...
i love this! like a sponsor. lord knows i need help. i really appreciate it when the vets say things to get me thinking and keep me honest about my shortcomings.
let me know what i need to do to get paired up!
Ok--so everyone who wants to pair up with an oldtimer post:
1) Just a few sentence background
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)
my wife left physically 2 months ago. i have done all the wrong things, with a little bit of good mixed in. i have 2 kids. she is having multiple EA's. acting single, etc. says there is no chance. she hasnt filed yet, so i believe there is.
i need help with staying on track and goal setting. brainstorming solutions is good. i guess i need help all around. lol
I've been separated for just over a year now. My H had to deal with his son moving away because his stepdad joined the army, had his work contract end, and limited contact with me while I was in India for 5 weeks.
According to the MC that we saw, he was so upset at losing me, that he decided it would be easier to let me go on his own terms than ever have to deal with the possibility in the future. In the last year we've also had depression and a possible MLC to deal with.
I definitely need help setting short term goals and being held responsible for DBing the proper way. I have a tendency to think that my M is different and I can do things my own way. I need to stay on track and follow the program.
I'm trying to LRT. I did really good on my 180s where H is convinced I've changed but he's still confused about returning.
I need help detaching with love. HELP!!! I am a great learner!!
HeartBrokeinsd: Sorry to hear that. I suggest you think long and hard about the person that your W would want to come back to. For example, would she want to come back to somebody who is begging, pleading, reasoning, etc? Think about why she wanted to leave? Think about you... Is there something you want to change about you? Do you want her back for you and her, or just for the kids? Once you answer those things, think about how you want to be treated. How you want to be perceived. How she sees you.
Red: I saw your other post. I'm sorry to hear about this going on, but I suggest you make yourself open to him. His issues seem to be around availability of others, so maybe that's the place to start? Don't pursue him or date others though and be patient
Veroprado: I'm sorry you find yourself here. Detaching is to help you be objective. i.e. how would you suggest somebody else handle the situation if you were on the outside? Are there things you need to change about you? Now's a good time to focus on you rather than him.
Peace,
AJ
ajm-
thanks for the reply. i know why she wanted to leave from my viewpoint. i believe she was sick of my drinking, i wasnt emotionally there for her, and i took her for granted. she definitely isnt coming back right now. not with the pleading, reasoning, etc. i want to get back to be the confident MAN that she fell in love with. get rid of my insecurities and be fun again.
i want her back for me and her first and foremost. she is the woman i love. the woman of my dreams. i am very lucky to have had her in my life. i want that back. secondly, i want to be a family again. my kids deserve that.
just thought i should mention, im pretty dense. blunt honesty works the best with me.
My H asked out a few months ago but says he still loves me. Think he is in MLC. I've been doing pretty well at detaching until I hear from him and then his inconstancy scares me into losing my cool and I become pleading etc. Need help with that.
Hi- my wife is latina and a walk away... her complaints were that I wasn't there for her emotionally and physically ... I agree, I was working a great many hours and neglecting my wife unintentionally. So she found what she was missing in another man and is pursuing a life with him... so my 180's/realizations/changes are hard to show or be noticed in casual passing exchanging our son.
I need help with a plan.
ajm--
Thanks for the advice. It's good to know that I'm possibly on the right path. I'm definitely not going to be dating anyone anytime soon. I'm doing pretty well at not inviting him to anything or trying to pursue, I think.
When he does call and want to talk or spend time with me, I'm there for him, but I do wonder if that's the right thing to do. If I were less available, maybe he would be forced to choose whether he wants me in his life instead of just having me around when he decides to. This is the part that is really confusing me.
1) Just a few sentence background
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)
1. H basically declared he was unhappy in late 2009 early 2010.( A 'friendly' R with current OW was already in place). By June 2010 he said he felt he was too far gone Sept 2010 H' s father passes away, H moves out immediately - lived with OW before finding his own place. We plodded on, I begged, pursued, etc. H continued to deny anything but friends with OW but whole time in EA.
April 2012 he says he is done. Two weeks later in PA with OW.
H basically living in another town for work. OW with him
2. Need help with solutions, detaching, being friendly but distant. Am basically
in NC now except for brief contact re: kids, and other matters ( house, finances).
Thank you for this!!!
Ok--so everyone who wants to pair up with an oldtimer post:
1) Just a few sentence background
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)
My WAH filed for divorce on 6/13 and moved out 6/14. We have a 2 year old daughter. We are in contact most days because of her. He thinks this is the best thing for us and that we are too different. No affairs.
I need help setting goals and brainstorming solutions.
Ok--so everyone who wants to pair up with an oldtimer post:
1) Just a few sentence background
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)
I get this and support it. My only query or concern is when the LBSer does not know what they need.
OR thinks they do know but the "oldtimer" (um, can we get another term here???)
thinks not.
Like when we see a super co-dependent person who wants to know "the secret" to getting their WAS back but is not realizing THEY have to get their own lives back...first...
but that's not what they want to hear. OR the LBSer who has taken a lot of bad treatment, and still is--
or who has a major anger problem and still does, and just vents & vents,
and stays stuck.What then? Can we team up or alternate partners?
I'm just spitballing here so don't misunderstand. I think it's a good idea. Just tossing out others.
25yearsMLC those are some good points.
Veroprado: I'm sorry you find yourself here. Detaching is to help you be objective. i.e.
how would you suggest somebody else handle the situation if you were on the outside?
I'm doing LRT but being very sloppy about it...
Are there things you need to change about you?
I am a COMPLETELY different person since this happened. I'm WAAAAY more relaxed!
Now's a good time to focus on you rather than him.
YES!!! I agree! I'm done reading up on relationships and ready to read trashy novels!!
Not sure mine can be salvaged, but i can try anyhow
Got married in Jan 2010 (i think my H married me just to get a visa, but i'm not sure). got pregnant immediately, H acted as a WAH while i was pregnant and started an affair 6 months into our marriage. i found out in nov 2011 and moved out immediately. Not seen or spoken to H since, tho we've exchanged emails about DD, and he has sent me a few half-hearted emails saying we need to talk.
He provided financial support for DD for 3 out of the 7 months we've been separated. He has seen DD twice in 7 months (last time in February). Heard he chases girls and acts single. Not heard from him for a month now...
i need help with my sitch and with GALing with no money or friends (i do have friends, but they are not nearby)
Report him to INS, withdraw your sponsorship.
yeah, thot about it, just seems a little extreme at this stage. actually, we're in the uk
Ok--so everyone who wants to pair up with an oldtimer post:
1) Just a few sentence background
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)
I get this and support it. My only query or concern is when the LBSer does not know what they need.
I have to echo 25 on this.
I do think there's a few solutions to this dillema, although there needs to be a commitment and accord to both the newbie and the vet, surrounding brain storming and openness to possible paths.
DBing I think is a combination of science and arcane magic. And people are prone to create many reasons. Resistance is futile, yet many, newbies and vets alike, find themselves stuck in resistance for "X" reason.
This really is a great idea and it would be nice to see this develop further.
And to add to that, what might be the possibilities of a coach helping to coach the vet to coach the newbie?
Because we know the mantra here:
"The ONLY experts of DB are Michelle and the coaches."
Vets and all members are otherwise here to support and get support. Nothing more, nothing less.
Alternatively, perhaps a coach to coach the mods to help coach the vets to coach the newbies?
and/or
a place for vets to place themselves in a volunteer role and a coach can make a request from a vet to support a newbie as the coach may feel the vet has the appropriate DB skillset to support the newbie.
KD - i love your suggestions - and i'm so glad that this is being considered.
i really hope that this gets going. sadly every few weeks i notice how many more people get on this board with their painful stories. not to mention how many there already are and how long so many have been at it.
if the coaches would agree - that would be phenomenal.
sort of taking it to the next step.
zig
I know I have always hoped for some advice from 25 directly aimed towards my sitch. Hoping to get a chance here??
H has been in a PA since January with a long time co-worker of 6 years who he feels like he's "in love" with. He's openly stated to me that he knows he's messed up and his family means more to him than anything else but he just can't seem to let her go because he still feels so strongly for her.
He's still very cordial and nice to me and I only contact him for business matters only regarding our home and children. He openly spends all of his time with OW and she is invited to all family events and is around my kids whenever H has them. My kids just recently expressed to me that they have seen them kiss and it makes them sad.
So, he is allowing OW to become closer to my children and his family and no one seems to see anything wrong with this. He says he doesn't have it in him to file for D. He thinks there is still hope for us.
Advice? Sorry this might have been too much.
Jks,
That isn't too much. While many vets don't like being requested by name, there is no reason why that shouldn't happen if you really wish to hear someone's opinion.
Most of us will say the same basic things but sometimes the delivery is different and maybe more effective.
While this idea isn't bad, I thought that was exactly what the boards were for. People post their stories and if someone feels that they can help, they respond...
Curious to see what unfolds.
I agree cat, I thought that's what happened on the boards.
People respond to posts because they feel a connection, not because they have to.
A variety of responders is the best scenario because you never know what might be the one thing that makes sense to the reader. It's also helpful to others reading not just the author of the thread.
As for specific "vets"---when people are on moderation I advise them to dig into the archives, they are a treasure trove of information. I found folks whose words spoke to me and then dug for old posts of theirs. The situations we each find ourselves in are not that different. A lot of the advice holds true across the board. Yes, this is a personal journey but we all share characteristics (how many of us are controlling/fixer/perfectionists? raise your hands) and can learn from the same advice, even if it is 5 years old.
Trying new things is good, tho. We don't learn and grow without change.
I get this and support it. My only query or concern is when the LBSer does not know what they need.
I think I understand what you're saying, 25, but generally,
- most newbies know where they want to go, and know something of what they need and that's where to begin
- this is about 2 folks pairing up in a mentor/mentee relationship, not about someone being told what to do or what they need, it's about drawing it out of someone
- some folks really want to be told, and they will say so, and seek out that kind of advice
So I SUGGEST - that the thread is started with Bootcamp in the name, so basically mostly only the mentor and mentee post there. The conversation will be focused. I think it should be
"Bootcamp with XXX" XX being the vet (because the thread is started by the mentee or bootcamper)
So we can either keep these on Newcomers or move them over to the KLA forum. What do you think?
Suggested pairing:
jks/25yearsmlc I will start a thread for you to post on, as an example. Let me know if you want it moved.
So how does this affect the community aspect of this Online Community?
HeartBrokeinsd: Sorry to hear that. I suggest you think long and hard about the person that your W would want to come back to. For example, would she want to come back to somebody who is begging, pleading, reasoning, etc? Think about why she wanted to leave? Think about you... Is there something you want to change about you? Do you want her back for you and her, or just for the kids? Once you answer those things, think about how you want to be treated. How you want to be perceived. How she sees you.
Red: I saw your other post. I'm sorry to hear about this going on, but I suggest you make yourself open to him. His issues seem to be around availability of others, so maybe that's the place to start? Don't pursue him or date others though and be patient
Veroprado: I'm sorry you find yourself here. Detaching is to help you be objective. i.e. how would you suggest somebody else handle the situation if you were on the outside? Are there things you need to change about you? Now's a good time to focus on you rather than him.
Peace,
AJ
AJ--this is MODEL vet/mentor behavior
I could use some help here on how to focus on short term goals - i have a lot of trouble trying to figure out what are reasonable good short terms goals, as h is extremely resistant to the smallest of suggestions. Also could use some help in applying KLA and power packaging - don't know where to start.
My h has just announced that he is going to file for divorce because he doesn't want to hide his r with ow any longer, and he can't do that if he's married.
thanks
zig
Ok--so everyone who wants to pair up with an oldtimer post:
1) Just a few sentence background
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)
H is depressed MLC. Abandons me and 2 teen kids for 20 y-old's lifestyle, including A.
Amasses huge debts over last 5 years. Anger/shame/guilt interspersed with short periods of normalcy. My gut says he still loves us and, at one level, wants to come back.
Visits home everyday when dropping kids after school pick-up. Is still hiding A from me, kids and his family.
I need help with balancing LRT and showing him acceptance, keeping the road home paved and smooth.
The more I withdraw, the more H does. The nicer and more 'normal' I am towards him, the nicer and more normal he is to me.
Constant flashpoint is ongoing financial disaster. It's the source of his claim that he ruined my life, and defines him as a 'failure'. Has referred to himself as a scumbag and adulterer.
Unsure how to deal with his sense of worthlessness. NC is likely to produce greater sense of rejection.
I would love some help, too.
My husband and I have been married for two years, together four. He said that he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore -- the "spark" is gone and he doesn't feel we're compatible. He feels I've been selfish and took him for granted and was too emotional. He doesn't want to do things with me and isn't interested in working out our problems. I'm moving out this weekend into my own place. He has been really generous towards me and is helping me move, has bought me new stuff for my new place, has helped me pack, etc. He says I can use the washing machine at the old place whenever I want and will help me with whatever I need help with. We went to marriage counseling, and it made things worse. I really want to work things out with him -- I've been getting a life like crazy and so has he.
I don't know how to show him that I don't want to be selfish. I want to stop taking him for granted. I want to do things for him and show him appreciation when he does things for me. But we're not really talking now, so I don't know how to do these things. I don't want to play games and screw around with his emotions. I have stopped crying and talking about the relationship, but I don't know where to go from here.
I'd like to participate if still possible.
1) Just a few sentence background
Married 15 yrs, 5 kids (one mine before marriage). W got tired of dealing with my insecurity/jealousy, combined with my continued unhappiness. Multiple EAs on her side, one ongoing. Bomb dropped Feb 15 2011, and repeated multiple times since then, but no action yet. Currently in retrovaille...W has agreed to finish program, but isn't really buying in.
2) what you think you need most help with (staying on track, brainstorming solutions, setting goals, etc)
I've read so many books and coupled with the retrov, I am confused most days how I should be behaving. Do I need to detach, or talk about my feelings? Should I be excluding her or including her. How should I react to continued negative behavior?
Note to SG
I think that there needs to be some refining of this before it will work.
The threads at the top for assigning the relationships are fine but the advice should be within each persons thread.
This should no way limit people giving advice to others.
Or limit others from reading and commenting on the advice given.
None of us are trained professionals and although I have done extensive reading and my own personal experience that does not qualify me as the foremost authority.
My expertise is more in MLC.
Depression and mental illness.
The mentor/mentee program has worked well for us elsewhere.
I think it could work well here on DB too, but I would like to know what the official position is and how it fits in with coaching and making this website fit MWD's objectives.
My .02
Is this not just circumventing the PM system of old. Will you make sure the poster and vet do not get emotionally involved.
What happens if the poster does not move forward or gets some advice that has some legal ramifications?
There is one huge flag with this system that I can see already.
You have someone who is posting what the view is at the top of the mountain to someone who has begun their climb. So most of words get lost in translation. As they have not reached that altitude yet. The vet gets frustrated because the view is clear looking down. The climber gets frustrated because they are climbing and cannot see the top.
One of the great things about DB is that you get people from all different view points and different mountains talking. People in different parts of the climb. It allows for more growth. As more than one person is learning and growing.
There is no know all see all seer. And those who are newer on this path post their knowledge and wisdom along with those who are further ahead.
And to be blunt. I have seen things like this start before here and when it needs support no-one is around from the site to help it out. So it just dies.
If you want to make something like this. Then why not create a new sub cat or put it where it should be "Staying Solution-Focused Workshop". Where it can be allowed to flourish or die and not take away the purpose of the newcomers area which is to post our stories.
Jks,
That isn't too much. While many vets don't like being requested by name, there is no reason why that shouldn't happen if you really wish to hear someone's opinion.
Most of us will say the same basic things but sometimes the delivery is different and maybe more effective.
While this idea isn't bad, I thought that was exactly what the boards were for. People post their stories and if someone feels that they can help, they respond...
Curious to see what unfolds.
cat --
I'd love to see you taking a spot as a mentor.
Note to SG
I think that there needs to be some refining of this before it will work.
The threads at the top for assigning the relationships are fine but the advice should be within each persons thread.
This should no way limit people giving advice to others.
Or limit others from reading and commenting on the advice given.
None of us are trained professionals and although I have done extensive reading and my own personal experience that does not qualify me as the foremost authority.
My expertise is more in MLC.
Depression and mental illness.
The mentor/mentee program has worked well for us elsewhere.
I think it could work well here on DB too, but I would like to know what the official position is and how it fits in with coaching and making this website fit MWD's objectives.
My .02
Hi cadet --
No one's limiting advice, having a special thread that is focused is helpful, especially if the person asking for advice wants that.
There are no rules...just an idea.
There was someone I thought you would be great with, I will have to look back and then add it.
How about Cadet and tonibertha?
Is this not just circumventing the PM system of old. Will you make sure the poster and vet do not get emotionally involved.
What happens if the poster does not move forward or gets some advice that has some legal ramifications?
There is one huge flag with this system that I can see already.
You have someone who is posting what the view is at the top of the mountain to someone who has begun their climb. So most of words get lost in translation. As they have not reached that altitude yet. The vet gets frustrated because the view is clear looking down. The climber gets frustrated because they are climbing and cannot see the top.
One of the great things about DB is that you get people from all different view points and different mountains talking. People in different parts of the climb. It allows for more growth. As more than one person is learning and growing.
There is no know all see all seer. And those who are newer on this path post their knowledge and wisdom along with those who are further ahead.
And to be blunt. I have seen things like this start before here and when it needs support no-one is around from the site to help it out. So it just dies.
If you want to make something like this. Then why not create a new sub cat or put it where it should be "Staying Solution-Focused Workshop". Where it can be allowed to flourish or die and not take away the purpose of the newcomers area which is to post our stories.
I really appreciate your concerns.
PM was about personal contact outside the board, and this is not that. This is just focused running with a pacer. Or having one person dedicated to helping you move forward and make progress. This is remove the guru, and build the skillset of everyone.
About initiatives that die. You're right. Because one person can't carry it on. So a lot of stuff I start falls apart if my personal or work life doesn't allow it.
So don't let it die if you don't want it to. The onus is NOT on the DB staff. It's on contributers and what they want.
I have a personal interest in the DB skillset, so I try to help folks with that...when I can.
Why not take it on yourself?
DB Coaches are too busy with their personal clientele. As much as we'd love to see their active participation on the board...I've suggested it myself, it isn't going to happen.
So it's easy to be a naysayer....do the opposite...provide your own skillset, build your own skillset and take it to a new level.
Alternatively, perhaps a coach to coach the mods to help coach the vets to coach the newbies?
and/or
a place for vets to place themselves in a volunteer role and a coach can make a request from a vet to support a newbie as the coach may feel the vet has the appropriate DB skillset to support the newbie.
Hi KD --
You would make a great mentor .... are you in?
I will pass SG.
I believe it is better have have many posters's in the thread than just one. And I also believe you have an area already in the forums to do what your asking here.
I can see how you feel that this is being a naysayer. I feel it is not. Just a difference of opinion.
I wish you success. I will keep paying back to DB in my own way.
Take Care.
Whatever works best for you.
Hi KD --
You would make a great mentor .... are you in?
uhhhhh... I'm a little worried about commitment... lol...
no, really though... this is an experiment, I'm guessing? Do our best and hope it works for everyone? I might be able to commit to one for now and promise to check and mentor once a day.
Actually, I will commit to ONE for now with a promise to check and respond once a day except on weekends. If that works...
I just hit 3000 posts...
errr... 3001, now...
SG I have mixed feelings about this. I think trying new things is good. But I don't see a road map. An experienced IC will tell u that in therapy there is a beginning, middle, and end to the work. And at the end what the product would look like. In addition the notion of newbies vs old timers to me makes no sense. I have read some great posts by newbies and crappy ones by old timers. Than again this is not a perfect science. But my biggest concern is assigning old timers who get DB to a particular person. I think they will spend most of their time following that one person and neglecting newcomers. That would be detrimental. Let's face it the pattern here is that many LBS are controlling and perfectionist. Give them a task and what will happen?
Just my 2 cents
Hi Rick -
It completely depends on participants who want to work together and be solution oriented. It isn't a canned program.
If you want to participate and feel you need guidance, I will help you. I'm not sure where you see yourself as newbie or vet...and that's fine. You've been around long enough to have some wisdom here and something to offer.
And EVERYONE here (including vets) can use advice or learn from others from time to time.
I actually think I like the way this is shaping up.
At least I have read two posters whose threads I haven't come across before...
New ideas are always good and sometimes the forums seem to lack a little balance.
I see where Sg is going with this, and I understand those who have concerns.
If I'm interperating this correctly...
Just because someone is a mentor/mentee...
Doesn't limit the mentee to only receiving input from the mentor (except maybe on the specified thread), although most of us know or learn quickly how to pull quotes to other threads if we choose.
It also doesn't limit the mentor to only posting to the mentee...
Additionally, there is a significant lack of "vets" on these boards right now in comparison to the amount of "newbies" and I think this may be a way to try to draw some vets out of the woodwork...
As Sg stated, we are usually around.
I, for one, have been guilty of reading and wanting to post to someone and just not getting to it. Life gets in the way sometimes...
Any particular vet taking on too many mentees would not be advisable for that reason. Because as Kaffe stated it will be a commitment, even if it is a short one.
As a work in progress, if a mentee gets to a place where the vet is lacking, I would love to see someone else with the appropriate skill set be able to step in.
Because even if we don't want to believe it, even as vets, we ALL still have areas where we could use work.
Rick, this should ease your concerns regarding the "therapy-beginning, middle, end" thing. This isn't therapy, in any sense. It is simply a micro version of what happens here on the boards every day.
SG, you and the people who have volunteered have peaked my interest. I will let you know if I feel I can help. I just need to read a little more...
Hi sgctxok,
I saw your post on my thread regarding the mentor program, I'm very flattered! Here's how I feel about it -- I'm already contributing the best way I think I can. In some cases I've tried to help people and just didn't click, so I can just slowly ease away because so many others are willing to pick it up.
In other cases, I can take people up to a certain point, but beyond that I feel I offer limited value. There are a lot of people whose sitch's were much worse than mine, had it go on for much longer, etc. I feel hypocritical offering them advice because I didn't walk that walk, if you know what I mean. I'll often find that once I get to a certain point a more experienced vet will come in and pick it up.
Finally, I don't really have any formal training. I like the fact that "all posters are created equal", because if I'm off base, others can correct me and there's nothing special about my status that suggests my posting should carry more weight.
For me DB was pretty great without the formal mentors, and I'm very happy to keep contributing (and getting help myself), but being formally paired isn't something I'm looking for right now. I end up helping on the threads where I really think I can help -- and that may not be the one I end up getting paired with.
I'd feel better about it if there was some kind of test, certification, or other hurdle to ensure that what I say and think really IS consistent with the advice you want given.
Thanks for a great site!
Accuray
Oh, this isn't formal, your advice is great.
And we're all only capable of going so far.
This is really just a few days/few weeks, just some focus, but free-form.
We're just the teacher's aides, the TAs, the team leads, tour guide... But you definitely have skills for helping, so we appreciate your help wherever you do it.
cat-
You said it better than I did.
sg
SG - Just to say good to see you. There are a few things I read every now and again when I need to get 'centered' again and one of your posts to me is on that list. Thank you! Hope all is well!
JCJ
You rock. Seriously, I was thinking about you on the way home from work today and was thinking you'd be great, can't remember if I told you that yesterday or not.
How are you?
Kaffe Diem --
how about working with heartbrokeinsd?
You did, and I had not checked in for a while and saw your post and it made me smile. I think this is a good idea because sometimes helping out in Newcomers is a bit overwhelming.
I am generally really good. I have just come back from backpacking round Australia, New Zealand and South East Asia. I left the UK originally in April 2010 (I can't believe it!) and have had the *best* time. I am so happy that I got this opportunity and that I took the opportunity. I met amazing people including my boyfriend and saw amazing things.
Being back is a bit of a downer - having no job and living with my parents again who are great but I am 31 and haven't lived at home for over 10 years and it is stressful at home. But I am really ready to be back and explore new things here. I am writing some goals to get my motivation up for job hunting and identifying steps I need to take to achieve independence again.
How's you?
It's a gift though, to be able to check in at home and a gift to your parents that you are there, even temporarily. Especially with the many options life can bring.
I'm glad you're here (online).
Do you write?
It's true, I am so lucky to be able to count this as my base. And I admit it is nice having my washing done for me too
hee hee.
No, I don't write, it's not something I have ever tried.
Zig, I didn't see a response here. One thing that stands out: your H is resistant to suggestions. That's likely true. But DB is about you first and then the marriage. My suggestion here? Focus on what you *can* change - you. Be the change you want to see in others without expectation. Seems Zen, but it really is what it is about.
AJ
There's been a lot of comment on the thread and having structure, boundaries, etc.
I don't think so. I know I for one come here to try and help. To encourage, to help point out things the poster may have missed, to generally help.
I give back because the boards helped me a great deal and I feel drawn to help people where I can. If I'm not helpful, I'm happy to move over and let somebody else offer suggestions, feedback, etc.
I know the single biggest help this board was for me was a listening ear. I knew what I was doing. I just needed some help understanding what was going on and somebody to listen and not make me feel like an insanely crazy git. If I can help somebody with same, I'm happy to do so.
Bring it on.
AJ
My husband and I have been married for two years, together four. He said that he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore -- the "spark" is gone and he doesn't feel we're compatible.
in what ways are you compatible and what ways do you complement each other? And how are you not compatible? Have you read the books Div Busting or Div Remedy? Please do so asap.
You'll learn that arguing with him about how you DO have things in common will NOT help. Don't make your case to him. He's NOT ready to hear it and it'll push him away atm.
The more you challenge his choices (with words) the more he'll defend them and cement them in. Instead, demonstrate with your 180s that you ARE NOT what he fears/believes. Whatever negative images he has, you must contrast with positives. Not words, but actions.
He feels I've been selfish and took him for granted and was too emotional.
Be specific about what he means here. Were you selfish? What's it mean to take him for granted and being "too emotional"? Does that mean a temper? Drama?
IF SO then one thing for sure is you need to stay uber calm, like Mother Teresa calm and kind.
Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? It's important that you know how your h receives love, so you can give it to him in a way he'll feel it the most.
IF he's someone who needs words of affirmation, start with sincere THANK YOUs for his generosity and apologize for your mistakes and how you hurt him. Be specific about what you love or admire about him but make it authentic.
Small consistent changes, over time, are what it takes for a WAS to believe their LBSer has made real changes that will last.
It's key that he believes these are real changes that are permanent and he will NOT believe that
if he thinks they are merely tactics to get him back.
So make the changes you want to make in you, for YOU so you can become a woman only a fool would leave.
If it's physical affection/touch or acts of service--figure out how he receives love in his "love language" and it may not be how he gives it...
He doesn't want to do things with me and isn't interested in working out our problems.
what are the core inner "problems"? Do you fight? What about? Who makes up first?
I'm moving out this weekend into my own place. He has been really generous towards me and is helping me move, has bought me new stuff for my new place, has helped me pack, etc. He says I can use the washing machine at the old place whenever I want and will help me with whatever I need help with.
What? Why are you going? I'm Not sure why YOU moved out since HE is who wanted out of the marriage...but if it's a done deal...
then be as pleasant as you can when you do interact. But without pursuing.
We went to marriage counseling, and it made things worse.
that^^ usually means the mc OR the couple wanted to Rehash the past or relive the traumas that got them to the mc in the first place. USually NOT helpful at all.
Instead, DBig is solution based. We focus on what helps the marriage and do MORE of that and do LESS OR NONE of what hurts the marriage.
Simple, but radically different than most other approaches.
I really want to work things out with him -- I've been getting a life like crazy and so has he.
Have you met any new people? Done things that surprised him or make you less predictable?
What were you like when you first met him and he fell in love with you?
I don't know how to show him that I don't want to be selfish. I want to stop taking him for granted. I want to do things for him and show him appreciation when he does things for me. But we're not really talking now, so I don't know how to do these things.
sounds like you still have some contact with him. The less the better in SOME ways b/c it makes your changes more noticeable.
When he sees you or talks to you, then YOU end the conversation first (UNLESS he's sad and reaching out-then you "listen like a lover")
but be upbeat. Like you are on your way to "meet a new interesting person, going to a cool fascinating place and doing fun exciting things..."
As your mantra, even if you don't actually say it to him. BE THAT PERSON.
It's appealing. It's attracting.
You might even thank him some day if you feel he's awakened a change in you that you wanted to make anyhow.
Like his wanting out was a wake up call for you- a catalyst for you to become the real you, the best you, that you can be.
Make sense?
I don't want to play games and screw around with his emotions. I have stopped crying and talking about the relationship, but I don't know where to go from here.
it's a good start to stop ALL The R talk and absolutely do NOT cry in front of him. Many men find it manipulative at some level and it often is. You don't need tears to prove you care.
Can you think of ANY ways you can show him you care? Acts of service? An errand? A meal prepared (but without you hanging out to eat it with him) or some act of service with no strings attached.
If you attach strings then at a certain level it is not selfLESS; it's selfish and you'd only be fueling his negaitves. You don't want that.
Can you think of some things you can do to SHOW him that marriage to you can be better/different than before?
B/c if you cannot show him, or tell us here how YOU would be different than before, then there's not a lot of hope.
You need to think of how YOU will be a different better woman with him
"from this day forward." (Means in part, to let go of the past).
Make the changes, believe in them and then let the changes in you radiate from within.
how many threads do you have?
Hey Sgt---I'm not sure that this is going to work if there are threads all over.
I'm also thinking that Ajm has a good point. We can help when we can help and more or less a lot of us do pick and choose to help who we THINK we can help...
and sometimes we have to move on b/c we're not helping them or they need something else.
But my little issue now is that there are too many threads so the poster needs to KNOW they'll get feedback
and if there's only one person doing it, one vet, that's not cool b/c it's a lot to put on the shoulders of the vet isnt' it?
I'm going out of town so Sophie will need someone to post to her but she's also posting on other threads.
I'm not bailing - but this already is hitting me as needing more structure or just being redundant.
Ideas?
how many threads do you have?
Hey Sgt---I'm not sure that this is going to work if there are threads all over.
I'm also thinking that Ajm has a good point. We can help when we can help and more or less a lot of us do pick and choose to help who we THINK we can help...
and sometimes we have to move on b/c we're not helping them or they need something else.
But my little issue now is that there are too many threads so the poster needs to KNOW they'll get feedback
and if there's only one person doing it, one vet, that's not cool b/c it's a lot to put on the shoulders of the vet isnt' it?
meaning the poster will keep on posting all over the place unless they know that their "vet" will post to them often
and that's a big commitment on the vet. I feel I can help a lot of people, a little
rather than trying to help one or few A LOT...b/c I have to GAL and I'm not available as a sponsor really.
Ideas?
I'm a newbie and would love to be in the bootcamp. I have a hard time seeing what is happening from the inside. I need a perspective to work with. I'm m 15 yrs and my H left me for OW he started seeing 11/11. I feel he is having MLC. He filed for D. I want to save my M. We do not speak at all. He texts to see kids but that is our only contact right now. I am doing LRT since he left 5/1. I don't see any improvement and want to change that. Help?
It was my impression that the Bootcamp threads were specifically for the mentors to work with the mentees in regards to DB techniques or focus points.
The mentee / members primary thread would be about getting support from other members in general as well as working through details of their sitch.
ie. if the bootcamp focus point was LRT, then the vet would work with the member specifically about LRT.
Yes, I do see how it can get confusing. Narrow focus on the bootcamp thread would be important and I think the vet needs to help keep that thread on focus.
I also do get that there is some resistance to bootcamp.
I agree that we do what works and this board does work. Still, where is the harm to try something different? Sometimes a member's thread can get so crazy with different ideas and input from others, that the DB message can really get lost.
thanks AJM - i appreciate you noticing:)
sg did respond and start a thread for me - so i am pleased at getting started.
you're right - i have been really working toward the woman i want to be, and will continue doing that.
Be the change you want to see in others without expectation.
i really like what you wrote - going to paste it in my thread
thanks
zig
SG...
Since this is experimental, and a way to really focus....
One of the things that becomes hard for a 'vet' is when we speak in a language that the newer poster doesn't understand...
I have been accused of being too 'cryptic' , mainly because I don't give all of the info to a poster. I want them to think about it, and come to that crossroad on their own.
What about....
The newer posters can request a certain 'vet' that they really feel a connection to...
That way, we know that our words are coming through strong to them..
Just my opinion....
I have been accused of being too 'cryptic' , mainly because I don't give all of the info to a poster. I want them to think about it, and come to that crossroad on their own.
Because you are always teaching people how to fish.
You don't like giving them the fish.
Of course if they don't learn how to fish then they go hungry.
I have been accused of being too 'cryptic' , mainly because I don't give all of the info to a poster. I want them to think about it, and come to that crossroad on their own.
Because you are always teaching people how to fish.
You don't like giving them the fish.
Of course if they don't learn how to fish then they go hungry.
Starsky
Just a note/reminder for those who have concerns
This is just a place for newbies to focus with someone on solutions for the amount of time they want to work together. It's an effort to draw out some folks as vets who have some wisdom and let the vet also stretch their skills.
It will work/help to the level of the participants putting in the effort.
It isn't an official 'program'. Just a place to focus on the DB skills.
Participate if you want to. Don't if you don't.
SG...
Since this is experimental, and a way to really focus....
One of the things that becomes hard for a 'vet' is when we speak in a language that the newer poster doesn't understand...
I have been accused of being too 'cryptic' , mainly because I don't give all of the info to a poster. I want them to think about it, and come to that crossroad on their own.
What about....
The newer posters can request a certain 'vet' that they really feel a connection to...
That way, we know that our words are coming through strong to them..
Just my opinion....
That's the BEST idea.
jks did that.
I only recommended a few folks, just to get the ball rolling.
Mix it up , change it up, request.....
Do what works for you.
I'm offering my skillset to zig to focus on some of the KLA goalsetting skills, etc.
But after that, zig might want to work with someone else on the same thign for another perspective or a different focus for another skillset....
Just an example.
So should we go ahead and 'request' someone?
I am not sure who is willing...
Busting,
When you read other posters, who resonates with you?
Whose advice do you really understand?
Hi cat04-
There are several but i would say LITB, bustorama ( I have only seen a few of his, but they got me), Accuracy, MrBond and 25.
I haven't had anyone have any interest in mentoring me. Is there anything I should be doing?
Jess, same as bo's question and cat's answer. Is there anyone who's advice / support resonates with you? If so, then certainly request them.
For the new members, if you make a request and there's a decline by the "vet", I would be sure it would not be intended to offend you. Some vets really are just too busy or would rather work with members as they can.
Jess, same as bo's question and cat's answer. Is there anyone who's advice / support resonates with you? If so, then certainly request them.
For the new members, if you make a request and there's a decline by the "vet", I would be sure it would not be intended to offend you. Some vets really are just too busy or would rather work with members as they can.
Makes sense. I'm not really sure.
That's OK, Jess. Most new members are advised to put their basic info into their sig, like you have. Seek out the threads of those who sound either similar in type of issue or similar in time frame of M.
You may find advice that, while possibly more advanced than where you are and able to "be" at this time, dig deeper into their earlier posts and see the advice there. Some advice and perhaps the support given by someone specific may lead you to whom you might want to help you in your bootcamp thread.
My situation is very unique and its hard to find someone.
I signed up a few weeks ago, but have never before participated in an interactive online forum. HELP! I am a total newbie and do not know how to: find an appropriate forum, start a thread, find others with a similar situation, ask for help.
What are you looking for?
All - I may be absent for another day or two. We lost our dog to lymphoma this weekend, and it has hit me much harder than I thought it would. So, I apologize, please bear with me.
I'd like to use a coach for DB'ing but our recent finacial trouble I've discovered since W told me she wants to seperate hasn't enought for phone coaching.
I'm currently still looking to move out and not support her, but my credit score is making rental really expensive. Plus I have about 25 years worth the stuff to get rid of and sell.
S7 is starting to show signs of distrust in us and the S12 is playing tough for now.
Today I've got no hope for this marriage have become very disgusted with what the W has done to our (almost) 25 years of M.
I'm almost done........
All - I may be absent for another day or two. We lost our dog to lymphoma this weekend, and it has hit me much harder than I thought it would. So, I apologize, please bear with me.
Ouch! that's hard...I understand and wish you well.
Im new and would love to do boot camp. What do i need to do??
So sorry to hear that sg.
Be well
(( )))
zig
sg I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a beloved pet is never easy.
If any vets are still checking this thread, I thought I'd throw my hat in...
H has filed for D and served me, we are now in our cooling off period before anything can be made final. No kids. He wants to be best friends (wants to go out to eat together, cook together, he still folds my laundry/hangs up delicates) and has noticed that I've been pulling back, saying that he has fun when we hang out and he really wants us to be able to do that. I've had a few sessions with Cheryl and we're at a loss as to what would be a sign that H is reconsidering short of him saying that he is putting the brakes on the D. H's complaints in the M were that, although things were comfortable and improving (we'd been in MC for a long time), he needed more spontenaiety and adventure. I had been working on those things prior to BD with him. I think he has possible EA but no confirmation of that right now. He is not yet 30 but in some ways is acting like MLC and trying to relive his adolescence/college party life. I'm not really interested in being his friend if we are D as I don't really like some of the people he associates with now and I'm not keen on his activities.
I would like some help keeping the focus on myself. I've been working on some fitness goals and GAL a lot (and had been well before BD as I'd recovered from a long-term illness). I feel better than I have in years. But now we are moving toward selling the house and it's hitting me really hard. I also work in the legal profession so the symbolism of D is very salient to me.
So I guess it would be helpful if anyone has experience dealing with possible MLC at a fairly young age.
I'd like to use a coach for DB'ing but our recent finacial trouble I've discovered since W told me she wants to seperate hasn't enought for phone coaching.
I'm currently still looking to move out and not support her, but my credit score is making rental really expensive. Plus I have about 25 years worth the stuff to get rid of and sell.
S7 is starting to show signs of distrust in us and the S12 is playing tough for now.
Today I've got no hope for this marriage have become very disgusted with what the W has done to our (almost) 25 years of M.
I'm almost done........
Hi Mr. D --
How can we assist you, what do you feel you need?
Mr. D, zig, sayitaintso, verab -
Thank you so much for your kindness. I've never grieved a pet before, and I'm really surprised by it.
Thanks for your understanding.
Hi everyone... I was on this site back in 2009.. 3 years later I am back. As I sit here and read your stories I feel I am a bit out of the norm. While I know my husband is unhappy and if it wasn't for our 4 year old he would be gone, but he isn't gone. But it really isn't anything more than a roommate situation. We don't really fight but that is because we don't really talk. When I do talk it gets taken the wrong way or I say it in a snotty way because he frustrates me. I what a marriage filled with love not just what it is. I would love to talk with one of you to see how I can prevent it from getting to the "I can't take it any more he left" stage. I am not sure what I should do to bring the love back into the marriage and the communication that can be done in a pleasant way.
bkbond,
How about restarting your own thread where you can further elaborate your story? That would help alot.
I'm new to posting at this site but have done a lot of reading on various techniques to save a marriage but this one, by far, seem to be the best option for my situation.
I've read DR and I've been working my way through this message board and have gathered a lot of good information. I have done a lot of the self work stuff prior to finding the book. But, I'm having trouble with interaction with my H in stressful situations, it's really hard for me to contain myself, my anger and disappointment. I am losing ground with my H toward reconciliation and now we are at the point of him moving out at the end of the month. He needs space and time (found out move date 7/9)
Here are some basics Me:43, H:49, S:6, T:17 M:16, Bomb:1/27/12 a little more than an EA, pretty confident she is out of the picture but...
He's moving out the end of 7/12, not yet asking for a D but I suspect it's coming, he's been walking me down this path very slowly. a pretty I have lengthy write up of our situation but I'm not sure what the policy in on that.
Hoping for help
Thank you
Lillystillinlove
lilly, you will get responses if you start your own thread. At the top of the Newcomers board there is a New Topic button, click it and a text box will open.
Good luck.
Thanks labug. It's queue for review.
Hi all
I'm looking for some help with my situation. If one of the VETs could take a look at my thread and comment I would appreciate it.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...948#Post2261948Thank you in advance.
Lilly -
Were you wanting to have a vet mentor as part of the Bootcamp?
bkbond,
Were you wanting a vet mentor as part of the bootcamp?
I have a bootcamp thread but no vet; I would still be interested in doing this. A vet who has gone through D or very close to it might be helpful. I am dealing with a STBX who is clueless about what D entails but maintains it's what he wants. I am just trying to stay on my own path without getting dragged down by him.
I am a newbie and would love to know how to add all the info to my signature, name age situation all that stuff, help?
Hi all,
Here is a link to my post.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...579#Post2269579I haven't seen any response and was wondering if anyone had any advice.
Please don't wait for me.
If you want a Bootcamp thread, set up the title in the same format, say what you want, and click 'notify' to make it sticky.
DB on!
If you want to make something like this. Then why not create a new sub cat or put it where it should be "Staying Solution-Focused Workshop". Where it can be allowed to flourish or die and not take away the purpose of the newcomers area which is to post our stories.
Thank you for moving all this to where it belongs. Makes the New comers area easier to navigate.
Looking for a vet for help. Have a DB coach and a thread in newcomers. Military help preferred but not mandatory.
I'd like to a vet mentor please.
My thread is in the Newcomers.
Thanks in advance.
bumpity
Looking for a vet for help. Have a DB coach and a thread in newcomers. Military help preferred but not mandatory.
bump
I'd like to a vet mentor please.
My thread is in the Newcomers.
Thanks in advance.
and bump
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