Making them miss you

[Jamesjohn]

This was a subject that was brought up on a different thread that I thought might deserve a thread of it's own!

How do you make them miss you? What is the last impression of you that you left on their mind the last time you made contact with them?

We do need to look at what they are missing about us,
I asked my w once what she missed, at first she started in on what she didnt miss, control, meaness, etc etc.then she actually started on the good things , one of which was my sense of humour, I made her laugh everyday.

Her words not mine , so now in any contact with her , I try to make her laugh to remind her of what she is missing.Mostly using small "in jokes" that we only know about.

This is just an example but it is something that works for me, perhaps we should all be looking at what our WAS's miss about us as individuals and start working on that.
More of "what works", it is there if you look hard enough..........

Things had been so bad that last year or two I don't know exactly if there is anything my H would miss about me. Isn't that sad?

Is there a way to figure out what he may miss without coming straight out and asking him?

I think this could be a key to Dbing my H that I haven't tapped into yet.

Hi faith,

Think about it for a while, what did you do that your H liked, what made you special to him.
Forget all about the current situation.
We were all newly married once, what made him smile then ??

This may give you a few clues.

FIP -

Try to think of things before the last year or two. Wasn't there a time when things seemed to be really "clicking" between the two of you? Times when things were going pretty smoothly, or even better than that?

When were those times? What things were the two of you doing then? What were YOU doing during those times? What might you do to be able to recreate some of those times?

Don't worry about coming up with an immediate "the answer" right now. Maybe just start getting your train of thought rolling in that direction, and see if there might be some small clues on little things that can be done.

There might be some ways to figure out on your own what things that he does miss about you. About the two of you together. Heck, there may be an opportunity to come straight out and ask him! If it feels right to you at the time, you can try it, and see if it works! You never know until you try, right?!

Let's work on this some more. It almost sounds like this subject deserves a thread of it's own!

OK, let's roll with this subject from here!

[Jamesjohn]

Well one of the things that drew him to me I think was I laughed ALL the time at his stupid jokes and comments. He knew he was being silly and stupid but loved to hear me laugh. And then the laughter stopped. Getting pregnant and then getting married were not things I had ever wanted. But when I decided that I wanted to M him it was for the right reason and not because I was pregnant. I took my anger for this happening out on him not purposely but subconsciously I did. And then the depression kicked in and H couldn't understand nor I what was going on other than I was just out of control. He would threaten to leave and I would promise to change and for a week or two and sometime a two of months I would change. But then something would trigger me to slip back into my old habits.

But back to the laughter thing. My H is like a big ol' bear. We would sit on bed and I would snuggle up to him and just laugh and laugh. I miss it and that's what he would say he missed about the me he first knew. We were close from the very beginning. It was like the missing puzzle piece in our lives. We just fit together.

I don't know how I can really tap into it that though. After all we are separated and we see very little of each other. He will go out with me anytime I initiate it but I don't know if it's really because he wants to or because he feels guilty.

[Jamesjohn]

He will go out with me anytime I initiate it but I don't know if it's really because he wants to or because he feels guilty.

You know, Faith, from an outside point of view, I would question whether or not the reason is really that important. I would think that what would be important is that the two of you DID spend some time together, and give you a chance to "work your new stuff" on him!

Maybe concentrate for awhile on things that the two of you could laugh about, together, and see where that might lead you. It worked before, didn't it?!

[FaithInPrayer]

One other thing to add to that post is we spent a lot of quality time together. We shared the same hobbies - hunting, fishing, sport shooting, etc. My parents fishing boat is still at my house b/c my Dad hasn't gotten it back yet. H has mentioned a couple of times after he left but not recently how this spring we need to go fishing together. I told him I didn't understand how he could talk about us hanging out this spring when he couldn't spend time with me at that time. And plus I didn't think this special person he was in searching for would like the idea with him "hanging out" and fishing with his W. His come back was this "special" person would have to understand we are friends and I want to continue doing things with you. I told him he was nuts. This all took place back in November for I read DR. So I am not sure if he would still want to go fishing this spring or not now.

JJ, if you have time could you read back through the last couple of posts on my old thread under newcomers and make a comment about the stuff that went on at V-day. Some of those things are mentioned under my new thread here on the Sep forum, too.

Thanks!!

[calico]

But don't they have to want to be with you to miss you? What if they have been gone for a while and are happy in their new lives? I totally agree with this idea of making them miss us, just not sure how to do it. It's been 12 yrs since we dated, I can't remember what he liked about me. I can't remember him ever telling me what he liked about me in 12 years. Oh, that's sad. Will give this one a lot of thought though. All I can remember him saying was he thought I was cute in my high school softball uniform (first time he saw me). Don't have the uniform anymore and I'd look kinda ridiculous in one, especially since he hasn't seen me in a year. lol. And he liked me in a mini-skirt outfit (memories of making out in the back seat during high school) but that was totally 80's clothing and can't find anything like that skirt anymore. My clothes- the only thing he said he liked about me was my clothes. Then we got married and he hated me in mini-skirts. Go figure, men. As far as personality stuff... he never said what he liked, just what he didn't like. Oh the side effects of such bad communication.

FIP, JJ gave you some excellent advice!

[FaithInPrayer]

I would think that what would be important is that the two of you DID spend some time together, and give you a chance to "work your new stuff" on him!

He says that every time he is around me for what little time it maybe he still sees or hears the "old" FIP. Things about her that he cannot tolerate. I have done an 180 to whom I was and whom I am now. He sent me a long email about it. I have come close to putting it on my thread but it was painful for him to write he said and very personal so I thought it best that I not share it. He even told him he wanted to cry after he sent it. He never would answer what made him want to cry though. And this is the first time I know of him wanting to cry about anything since he left.

Some issues have now come up about our S that have upset H with me (Issues are posted on my thread). So I don't think he'll want to be around me anytime soon. I am going to have to decide if the issues are big enough to stand my ground and keep S with me for awhile or let them go so H can continue having him. If I don't give in it may cost me my M but if I do give in I am concern how much more problems I will have to continue to face with my S.

[Jamesjohn]

H has mentioned a couple of times after he left but not recently how this spring we need to go fishing together.

Faith, this may have been a special invitation from him to meet in a place where he feels comfortable. He may have been "DB'ing" you, and figured that "changing the where" might make a difference in how things went.

Is it too late to accept his invitation? To maybe help make him wonder if YOU might be that "special" person that he's looking for?

Night-night time for me now ! Will try to read to read your latest in the a.m., and get back with you!

[Darkness]

Hi faith,

GO FISHING!!!

You might catch something big!!!!!!

[jwhetnc]

I think the first step in helping my W to miss me would be to leave her with a good impression when she contacts me... and her previous patterns show that she will.

I need to be a good listener... let her talk. Validate her feelings. Not say anything to leave her with a bad taste in her mouth. But... try to end the conversation first, so it will throw her off a bit... make her want to pursue.

[workinghard]

Let's see...

When he first left and we went to a C, he said that one of the things that first drew him to me was my child-like zest for life. You know, he's always been this very "even" kind of guy emotionally...never gets really mad, never gets really ecstatic. I am just the opposite.

Maybe in the last few years, I have kind of lost that "passion for life," or least it has been somewhat subdued. In the last few months, given the situation, I have been pretty down in the dumps, and I know that's pretty unattractive! About a month into dbing, I was really doing GREAT with a happy and upbeat attitude. He definetly noticed, and commented on how much he liked it. Come to think of it...seems like he hangs around more when I have that attitude. If I focus on the positive and the good in my life, I do much better here.

This is something to work with!

[MAL]

In October, about a month after the bomb, H and I were having an R talk. The way we did in the begininning, when I intiated them. He was very open to me talking to him back then. (((Actually I think he would be open to me talking to him now, but I don't think he is ready and it would get us no where just yet. I do think he is waiting for me though. I'm not going there.)))

Anyway, I asked if he misses me. He said not much. That really hurt. Then he did say there were some things....

1) My scrapbooking.
2) My emails to him at work, and the e-cards.
3) The way I help him with things for work, and help him write things.
4) The way I "do it up" for birthdays and the way I decorate for holidays.

I replied that I had hoped there would be more, like my friendship, or talking to me. But I said, I guess she fills that need in you right now, and I am not surprised by your reply.

When H returned in October, we went to one C appointment. He had a list of all these complaints of things that were wrong with me. I turned into one big MAL BASHING session, and it was horrible. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and leave and I was shaking. At one point the C interrupted him and asked, "What do you love about MAL?"

H replied:
1) She is a wonderful person and has a really big heart.
2) She is a great mother.
3) He listed all the things that I mentioned above.

H left again a week later.

With only that small list to go on, I went to work on me. Fixing things for myself to make me feel better. I also tried to make sure H saw me doing all those things.

The only thing I haven't done are initiating emails, e-cards, and helping him with work. Although I do ask about his work and try to be his friend in that area when we chat over email.

That is all I've had to work on.

Then in January, H sent me the apology email. In that email, he mentioned "STABILITY". Stating he liked that about what we had, and he is afraid he will never have it again in his life. How do I show him stability?

Last week, H sent me another email. In that email he said that the last 16 years were not a waste. Also there are things that we had that he misses. I replied saying I would like to know what things he misses, "but I'm not sure you'll tell me." H never replied.

That is all I have to work on for now. I wish he would have replied to that email.

I hope that the list has grown since October.

I try to leave him with the impression of me looking good, doing those things, being a good mom, smiling, showing him that good person with the good heart (like I did when I talked to him last week, and like I do in all my emails). Trying to show him what he cannot have as long as OW is in the picture.

P.S.
H knows I am doing the weekend scrapbooking thing next weekend.

[FaithInPrayer]

Is it too late to accept his invitation? To maybe help make him wonder if YOU might be that "special" person that he's looking for?

Perhaps as the weather starts to warm up a little more I'll see if the offer is still open.

I'm need to ramble just a moment so I can let y'all understand my H way of thinking.

H is very different than any man I know. He has tried to remain as friends with past GFs. It always bothered me how an old GF would call up and they would chit-chat for awhile. So when he talks about wanting to remain as friends, I know he is serious. And for the most part that is all he wants. It's that dang wall of "damage" as he puts it that will not allow him to get close to me again.

Perhaps if I can remind him of the good things about me this will help trigger some feelings of missing me.

I know he missed the snuggle time we had prior to us growing apart as I previously mentioned. Sometimes I just want to hug him and not let go. But I don't think he will understand that the hug is not for "me" but for "him". He is a very touchy feely guy. One of his major love languages. I wish I could hug the love back into him.

We talk here about showing our Ses the changes we've made and their love languages. How can I really show H both when it would require being intimate and not necessary being sexually intimate but stepping inside that personal space. Does that make sense?

Sometimes I think about having him come over for something I need with him to do around the house. And when he shows up have a bottle of wine, candles, and soft music playing. What could it hurt? This is the only thing I haven't tried differently from how our relationship had become. This would be such a flash back of how things first were. How could trying this REALLY set me back from attaining my final goal?

[jwhetnc]

Stacy,
I think you have mentioned before how much you and your H enjoyed going hunting and fishing. I think that is a key factor here. I know that one of the things that makes my W so much more special to me is the common interests we share, such as the horses and working outside. I don't think there are that many women who really enjoy those type things.

I think your H also realizes how unlikely it is that he will find another woman who shares those interests. I suggest that you be his friend right now and cultivate those common interests. Then let nature take it's course.

[Jamesjohn]

Wow, there's lots of great thoughts coming up here!

I really like the way that everyone is digging deep, and looking for all the little things that can mean a lot!

I think that when we are "newcomers", there is a strong tendency to look at the reasons our partners "should" be with us as being more along the line of "obligation", and "commitment". Although these are good reasons, it doesn't seem to help to bring them back to having a close relationship with us. Even if it DOES bring them back, it can be a short-lived "visit".

It's looking here like y'all really ARE moving on to the next phase, where you're starting to look at things less emotionally, and are really digging in to find some better solutions, some different ways to "work smarter, not harder". I think this is GREAT!

At this point, I think that everyone has a pretty good list of things that we know DON'T work, right?! It looks like some of your focus is starting to shift over to taking a look at the things that you know DO work, and ways of doing more of them.

I see a LOT of great "stuff" happening over here in this forum in just a couple of days. Here's my "Atta guys and gals" to you all! Keep up the great work!

[MAL]

Thanks JJ!

For getting us on the right track and keeping us focused on the good stuff, less on the cheeseless tunnels.

And for the threads that make us think!!

[jwhetnc]

Yep JJ! I think you are right on the mark. I hope some of the other vets will move over from Newcomers as well. I know how hard it is to make that decision. It was difficult for me as well. But, now I agree with the move.

We may have to go and give some encouragement to some of the other vets, so they will see that they really have a lot to gain from moving over here. They are probably afraid that they will not get as wide of a response. But, I think, that here they will get a more experienced response... and it will free up the newcomers thread for what it was intended for.

I know I have certainly seen the benefits.

[WillWin]

will move over from Newcomers as well.

Im working on it dude... Geez....

[Jamesjohn]

You're MORE than welcome, MAL! I'm glad that it's helping!

The really amazing thing is that we often don't realize that we're smarter than we think we are, that we often have the right answers, and really DO know what to do, until we ask ourselves the right questions!

Often, it's a matter of balancing out working with an "expert's mind", where we know our relationship better than anyone else could, and learning how to work with a "beginner's mind", where we toss out some of the things that we are SURE of, and start fresh. Take a look at things from a third-party's perspective.

Did that make any sense?!

[MAL]

Yes JJ, that makes sense! Thank you!

[jwhetnc]

The really amazing thing is that we often don't realize that we're smarter than we think we are, that we often have the right answers, and really DO know what to do, until we ask ourselves the right questions!

Often, it's a matter of balancing out working with an "expert's mind", where we know our relationship better than anyone else could, and learning how to work with a "beginner's mind", where we toss out some of the things that we are SURE of, and start fresh. Take a look at things from a third-party's perspective.

JJ - I think you are right. I keep getting a tiny glimpse of a big picture concerning all of this DBing and what is all means... with me, my W, everything. I think it is a lot bigger than I thought. But, a lot simpler also. I just haven't quite nailed down the idea that is forming. I think the light bulb is flickering... just hasn't quit gotten to full illumination yet.

[Jamesjohn]

JJ - I think you are right. I keep getting a tiny glimpse of a big picture concerning all of this DBing and what is all means... with me, my W, everything. I think it is a lot bigger than I thought. But, a lot simpler also. I just haven't quite nailed down the idea that is forming. I think the light bulb is flickering... just hasn't quit gotten to full illumination yet.

You're right, jw, it is a VERY big picture. Yet, the picture is made up of a lot of small, individual frames.

I noticed from your bio that you are an engineer. I am from a similar background. Used to working with calculations, numbers, logistics, and having a very analytical mind. Taking the modulus of elasticity, Fb repetive values, etc., etc. A lot of these are hard values, which, when combined probably, can give us values that coincide with the properties of the materials that we use. (Does this kind of talk excite you, jw?! )

Now, go back one step, and remember that the values that these calculations are derived from are based on tests. Someone had to test each material to derive it's moment of failure, and had to test it more than once to obtain the proper statistics.

That is what you are trying to do right now. Obtain your values from tests, collecting the facts, and ascertain your data from which to make future assumptions.

In other words, you're startin' from scratch here, buddy! The "absolute values" from before don't apply now. The information that you are gathering right now may not be logical, but they are the way they are. Just go with it from there.

Stick with the K.I.S.S. program (Keep It Simple, Stupid!). I tried to over-complicate things way too many times, and found that things worked best for me when I stuck with just the basic stuff.

P.S. I hope I didn't get you too aroused by talking dirty to you, big guy!

[smc]

My w has said that she miised me twice this week, But I am having a hard time figuring out what exactly she misses. I know that she loved taking care of me (making dinner, leaving me notes, washing me in the shower) but these arent things that I can control now. Maybe part of what she misses is my stability, my strength. I have always been the kind of person who never let adversity stop me. If something went wrong, I found a solution.

I really dont know what she is missing now. I guess I will wait for more information.

[Jamesjohn]

smc -

My wife is a gentle "care-giver" type of person, who loves doing stuff for me. That seems to be her primary "love language". I, however, am a pretty independent type of guy, who likes to do stuff on my own. For example, when I'm not feeling well, I tend to crawl into bed, and want to be left alone.

I have a hard time just "accepting" some of the things that she wants to do FOR me, and often feel like I have to "make up" for it, and return the favor right away. This, I've found, is a cheese-less tunnel for me.

I have always been the kind of person who never let adversity stop me. If something went wrong, I found a solution.

Have you ever enlisted her help in finding some solutions? Ever made her feel like there were things you couldn't (or maybe didn't want to) handle on your own, all by yourself, where she could maybe come to your aid? Ways that might make her think that a part of you needs her, that she could help you? Ways to include her in on parts of finding solutions?

Just some thoughts!

[jwhetnc]

JJ - All the engineering talk you just did made a lot of sense. Good analogy! That is definitely language I understand.

I'm thinking the simple idea for now is to beat it into my rock thick head that I simply have to shut my mouth, sit my butt down, and allow this thing to play out. Obviously she has been intiating contact, and apparently is still comfortable doing so. Therefore, I need to pull up a chair, and wait it out.

[thesane1]

I have been thinking latley that H is not missing me at all.

One of our R problems which I never thought was a huge problem, but now realise that it was to him was... he has a very busy social life, whith work golf and all his interests. All our freinds have always commeneted on how good I was at letting him do all these things.

It has always been my motto that when you live with someone it doesn't give you the right to tske over their life, however .. after the A I started to get clingy, which I think was to be expected. I started questioning his where abouts and putting my foot down a bit.

I think one of the reasons he decided that it was over between us was because of this, he thought he would never have his comfortable lifestyle again.

So Im thinking he has gone off and doing all his stuff he will never get bored and actually start thinking ..HEY!! this single life is great.

I dont think he has time to miss me properly.

[FaithInPrayer]

H has mentioned a couple of times after he left but not recently how this spring we need to go fishing together.

Faith, this may have been a special invitation from him to meet in a place where he feels comfortable. He may have been "DB'ing" you, and figured that "changing the where" might make a difference in how things went.

Is it too late to accept his invitation? To maybe help make him wonder if YOU might be that "special" person that he's looking for?

Night-night time for me now ! Will try to read to read your latest in the a.m., and get back with you!

JJ: Apparently the invitation IS still open. I made a post about tonight's events on my thread. Come by when you have time.

Thanks.

[HunterFox]

In counseling 2 weeks ago my WAW was asked what she missed by the counselor, she said she missed the way we kissed. Ironically I had planned a special night out for both of us after the session, I had planned to go to a place that gave us good memories and happy times. It was a simple drive to a quiet place that we used to make out at.
I wanted to go there to try an rekindle some sparks, I did want to attempt to kiss her again so I asked her if she would just like to park the car. She was looking for ulterior motives. She said no to parking so we left, I asked her what she thought I was going to do. She said you were probably going to put the moves on me (with a smile on her face), I told her she may be right and she smiled again, then said I am not ready for that yet. As hard as it was to hear, I told her "I respect her boundries". Im thinking, well, if your not feeling it for me then you must be feeling it for someone. When we kissed before we would make out for a couple hours and loved every minute of it, now there is nothing there on her end, I cant begin to describe then pain.
One statement she made a few months ago was "when I'm ready you'll know it before hand", I was totally confused by that statement but trying to look for signs of what she meant.

I know that if we could get affection back even on a slight level that then we could begin to rebuild the feelings she has. I still have all the feelings for her but she has said she has none.

Any advice on how to show her affection that would get her to open up again? She shows she wants to but is afraid of getting her heart hurt again.

[Jamesjohn]

Hunter -

Im thinking, well, if your not feeling it for me then you must be feeling it for someone.

Don't even go there with your thoughts. It's more than likely that you're wrong. She probably just misses the feelings that the two of you had together at one time.

One statement she made a few months ago was "when I'm ready you'll know it before hand", I was totally confused by that statement but trying to look for signs of what she meant.

Here's a wierd thought that might take some of the guess-work and mind-reading out of the picture. You could give her a gift certificate for a free "make-out session" with you, redeemable at the time and place of her choosing. Starting when she wants, and ending when she wants.

It might be hard for her to ever "say", in words, "OK Hunter, I'm ready to go make-out with you." However, having something like this in her hand might make it a little easier for her. It could get HER thinking about the exact ways that she wants to redeem it, and puts her more in control of the situation.

Just a thought!

[bmcbeth]

Hunter
after reading this post, sounds a little like my W
I would bet the farm she more than "none" of those feelings for you... but likely far less than you have for her. She likely hardened her heart over quite a period of time and it will take much time to soften it again. Move slow and give her space...patience, patience, patience
Good luck and give her hell...
BMc

[Jamesjohn]

I would bet the farm she more than "none" of those feelings for you...

Maybe, and maybe not.

Maybe the walkaway has no feelings for you, and they are looking at every "bad" thing you do as reinforcement for the reasons that they're leaving, and focusing on all the "wrongs".

Or, maybe the walkaways DO have some "good" feelings for you, and they are trying to find some reasons to stay, and work things out.

Maybe, it's a combination of the these two things.

What things could you do, what actions would you take, if you were to do a 180 on your thoughts? If you could change your focus from believing them when they say they have no good feelings for you, to believing that they might actually DO have those good feelings, but just need some reassurance that these feelings aren't "wrong"?

[jsiena]

jj-

I would welcome your thoughts on my midlife thread. I haven't heard from you in a long time.

Thanks

[Gandalf]

JJ and anyone who thinks you can help

My x left & when I asked her she said it wasn't b/c she didn't love me, it was b/c she didn't want to have to rely on someone else to take care of her & pay for everything anymore. She was always such a shy person & really kinda lacked personality that I almost had to take the lead in things just b/c she was to meek to do so. She seems like she is rediscovering herself now as an individual & not someones wife. Any way, I don't know what she misses about me if anything at all, one thing I do know is that she knew that I would be a good daddy & this I think attracted her to me. But she left when baby was only 7 months old. I have been a great daddy & have gone out of my way to help X whenever I could with our baby girl & I still do . I geuss my question is, What can I do? I think that if I just completely leave her alone & limit conversation to just baby that maybe she'll miss my friendship. She seems to want to clue me in on everything thats going on with her b/c she has no one else to share it with. She did tell me once that she thought we were always better friends than anything else. Should I try to politely ignore her for a while & not be available at all friendship wise. Aside from baby issues, should I just not be available in general? Maybe she'll miss just not having me to talk too? I don't know what to do.

Help?

Gandalf

[Jamesjohn]

gandalf -

I geuss my question is, What can I do? I think that if I just completely leave her alone & limit conversation to just baby that maybe she'll miss my friendship. She seems to want to clue me in on everything thats going on with her b/c she has no one else to share it with. She did tell me once that she thought we were always better friends than anything else.

It sounds to me like you might want to keep things going in the friendship direction. Your wife might be overwhelmed with the change in life of becoming a Mother.

What things can you do to reassure her that the two of you are still friends? What can you do to let her know that your relationship can grow, and that the two of you can remain close, even with the change in circumstances?

What things can you do to let her know that you think of her as not only a wife and a mother, but as your best friend?

[bmcbeth]

James John
I found this thread earlier today- dont know why I have not noticed it before. This has really gotten me to thinking...this is great. One of my small goals each time I meet with W is to make her smile/laugh (sometimes I succeed, but often not, I think it is because she is very guarded in some of our meetings)- But I dont think I realized just how important this is until now. I am going to make this my first priority in all our contact. I know that my jokes and silly behavior is something that she has always cherished. But I also know that we had deteriorated to a point where I didnt make her laugh anymore.. big mistake. She has said since the sep. that I just wasnt any fun anymore, that I didnt ever want to go have fun..you know what, I think she is right. No actually I know she is.

This is a great thread...I am so happy I found it
Gotta go out and buy one of those funny glasses/mustache/ and nose combos
BMc

[Jamesjohn]

UP!!

[CINDYLUHUU]

This IS a great thread!!!! My H is coming over tomorrow afternoon to spend the afternoon with the kids (and I'll be there too) and I have been trying to change from the way I was acting from the time he left up until very recently... I just couldn't act "UP" with everything I was.... I have a feeling it was because I was preggnant and VERY HORMONAL!!!!! But over the past 6 weeks or so, I have really tried to be much more cheery. We were always known to everyone we knew as the couple who always made eachother laugh.. Up until 18 months ago, that's how we were. Not to the same extent as before having 4 children and normal stresses of life, but it was good. We always had ways of making eachother laugh.. Since Brad left, I have felt uncomfortable around him, because I saw how uncomfortable he was around me.. So I am going to try to initiate small talk when I can (it's hard when there are 4 kids competing with you!!) and feel more comfortable in my own skin, which should improve how I present myself... Will this help? Gee, I guess it can't hurt.. Peace~ Cindy

[Jamesjohn]

Cindy -

We were always known to everyone we knew as the couple who always made each other laugh.

This might be exactly what you need to do here. Make him laugh.

Try to put aside your "feelings" for the day, and concentrate on exactly what you were doing when the two of you were having a good time together. Forget about the past, and don't focus too far into the future.

Even though he's coming over to visit the kids, try to get at least 5 minutes of non-kid time. If the kids are being clingy, get them to back off, and give the two of you some alone time. With 4 kids, I have a strong hunch that he's looking for some adult time with you, and not just some Mom, or wife time.

Heck, if it feels right, you could even give him a tickle, just to let him know that it's good to see him!

[Jamesjohn]

What was the last thing you did for, or said to, your partner that might make them think that you appreciate them as a person?

[lily2]

Well,

After not seeing each other for 3 weeks, I sent a hilarious postcard to my WAH asking him out to eat to discuss plans for D18's high school graduation party. He consented (via email) and we met at a local steak house. After a really nice time talking (very naturally and no R talk) we left and before he went to his vehicle, I approached him, kissed him on his cheek and said goodby in an upbeat tone. And then I went to my vehicle and drove away. Lily2

[Jamesjohn]

THAT'S COOL, LILY!!!

I think that you just set the tone for your next interaction with him.

I think you left him with a smile on his face, and left him wondering!

This is great!!

[hacker]

JJ,

Is that something to be tried if the R is on "friendly" terms. I mean my W IS divorcing me after all but she always complained that I didn't give her enough affection.

I'm not sure how'd she react to that now. I know when it all started I was still giving her a kiss on the cheek once in a while but she would just do a kind of condescending smile...

Isn't that a bit forward? Or do you think it would be warranted?

[Jamesjohn]

hacker -

It's hard telling how she'd react to it now, until you give it a try!

Yes, it might be a bit forward, but that's where "experimenting, and monitoring results" comes into play.

It could be a peck on the cheeck, a squeeze of the hand, or shoulder, a touch of the arm, a stroke of the hair, etc.

but she always complained that I didn't give her enough affection.

I wonder what this means. What do you think she meant by this? What ways might she want to be shown affection? What physical things could be done? What emotional things could be done?

In what ways have you shown her affection in the past that have produced positive results?

[hacker]

She wanted to show more encouragement and appreciation. She wanted me to comment how clean the house was, or how the dishes had been done, or how the floors had been mopped. Things I didn't think twice about.

I've been trying to be more "complimentary" to her lately but there aren't many opportunities. My love language has always been acts of service and gifts. Hers was always words of affection. Both of us were terrible at speaking the other person's language. (BTW, she refused to read that book).

Anyways, maybe having some minor contact first like a touch on the arm or shoulder might be worth experimenting with....more than a slap on the backside anyways...

[Jamesjohn]

She wanted to show more encouragement and appreciation. She wanted me to comment how clean the house was, or how the dishes had been done, or how the floors had been mopped. Things I didn't think twice about.

Have you done or said any things now that have shown her that you HAVE thought twice about it?

If she really does like words of affection, it's ok to let her know that you do appreciate the things she did in the past, and you're just really appreciating them now. That you might have been "ignorant" in the past of really appreciating the things she did, but you realize it now.

[hacker]

I just feel that whatever I say now is irrelevant because she doesn't seem to care. She's on that freight train to the Big D and her family is providing lots of fuel.

I guess I have nothing to lose. I had written her letters a couple of months back but I never got a response. Quite frankly, I don't even know if she read them. This was before I started DB'ing. Maybe she wants to hear it from me rather than a letter.

I guess I can slip some comments in my frequent interactions with her without being too obvious...

I need to test the waters somehow because I feel that right now we are on friendly terms but nothing much is changing. Again, what have I got to lose, right?

[thesane1]

Hacker,

Afetr reading the book I have come to the conclusion that I am words and affection and H is either service and gifts or quality time.

Now, although H had the A and H is the one who is running, I have to admit I very nearly became a WAW a while back, infact it was me who told him to go, however I pretty quickley came to my senses.

How do I explain this...Since I have been DBing I have done some serious soul searching-lol havn't we all?
One of the reasons I nearly became a WAW was his lack of affection and that I never felt he loved me I said this to him over and over.

I built up so much resentment, I caught the resentment FLU real bad, I eneded up resenting absolutley everything he ever did. This is where I start to unfofill his needs and he has A, so on so on so on.

Where it all started.. who knows??
Anyway although I dont think it would be good for you to show too much affection right now, Just like I have to be carefull show my H admiration without looking subbmissive.

I think what you could do is pay very small compliments.
without looking like hey im only paying you a compliment because I want to win you back.

Something like :
is that top new the colour really suits you
Just an example but you know a very subtle compliment.

That would be a good place to start I think.

As i said I think I speak same language as your W and I love compliments... From my H it would of been lovley. I always had to dig for them.

[lily2]

I am trying another possible way to make him miss me. (or at least being in a family) Today I sent a picture of all 4 of us at my graduation ceremony last Dec. On the back I wrote. Thanks for attending my graduation, it meant alot to me. Then I wrote a quote "Happiness is living life free of the blocks that keep us from an awareness of love's presence." (Blaise Pascal) Take care, Lily Now I know this is not funny and maybe too much about the R. But it is our anniversary this week and I wanted him to know he is in my mind. He will get the connection. Any comment JJ?

[Jamesjohn]

Bump time!!

[MAL]

H can email me during working hours (work for the same company). Since the bomb, he has used the email and words as his way of hiding from face-to-face encounters. Until recent R talks, H uses email for most communication.

Now that I am on medical leave, H can't email me. So I have 2 1/2 weeks to make H miss me!

Wish me luck!!

Also,
I try to stay upbeat, happy, positive, and "golden" (what a GF told H that I was). So every time H leaves, I give him a positive, loving, smiling W to remember and miss.

[trekfan]

Sorry to jump in here, but it is driving me crazy !!!

Afetr reading the book I have come to the conclusion that I am words and affection and H is either service and gifts or quality time.

I have heard this "book" mentioned before and would like to know what it is. If the answer is something obvious, like DB or DR, please don't snicker at me. I'm separated and in therapy...I'm dealing with a lot of s*** here!! Ha!

[hacker]

I have heard this "book" mentioned before and would like to know what it is.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Great book....

[Jamesjohn]

Up!!!!

[notmars]

Hacker, speaking from a woman's point of view..if she asked for appreciation before..don't try to kiss her...TELL her how appreciate her looks, hard work, etc. Kissing her now may make her feel like a sex object..she wants to be the object of your emotional affection. We can't be told enough how great, beautiful, shapely, etc. we are. But be as genuine as you can. It WILL pay off.

[Jamesjohn]

What are you going to do and say during your next contact with your partner that will leave a positive, lasting impression?

[CabanaBoy]

I'm not sure yet, but W has left me with some interesting thoughts. Since I'm with the kids for two days, I called and left a message at her work. She called and I said to her " I know it's last minute but I have dinner working and we thought it would be fun to have you over for dinner." she told me that she picked up an extra shift at night and couldn't come, but ended the phone call with " If I'd known you were asking me over for dinner, I'd have come."

I almost dropped the phone! Wow!

The next time we see eachother, I am going to give W a key to the house. She left our home with the kids and went to MILs. I changed the locks b/c she was coming home while I was at work and taking things. My attorney agreed that since she didn't live there, I needed my own privacy.

I have to trust her and what better way to do that than to give her back the house she left? I know that she totally regrets leaving, she really goofed by doing that but W is really set on her word. She'd run off a cliff like a lemming just to stick to her word.

No conditions, no tit for tat just give her the key back. I think she'll dig it, she'll kinda wonder why I'm doing it. Since I want to be her H and be together again, I have to act the part. I put my wedding band back on and now my W must have her key back, it's her place too.

I really want to kiss her, man I miss kissing her. We used to kiss for hours. I know she misses the kissing too. I think that it's too early for this now, but I'm taking steps to get to smooching.

Berto

[Jamesjohn]

Up!!!!!!

[Workingonit]

I send H emails everyday or at least 5 out of the week. I try to keep it light and happy. I did send one yesterday and just said...hey you crossed my mind and I wanted you to know someone is thinking of you. He calls me every morning, but I try not to call him unless I have a valid reason. I don't hesitate to tell him that he is special and that I believe in him. I am the only one in his life that will tell him such things so I try to do so.

[jme]

first of all I have not posted on this thread before. I am a little confused though. It has been 4 mos. since my H left. The first 3 he treated me pretty much like sh&%. I told him tha and that I was tired of that. He seems to tallk to me more now. and come around more. He has said things like Ithnk yu're doing things to get me to come back. I really am not doing anything different. Anyway, about doing nice4 thngs for him. I woulde love to write him an e-mail evryday, but I don't know if that wuld push him away and not want to call anymore. I feel like he has made a big step by coming ove rmor often. And it's really not that often, but a big difference from the summer. He keeps saying that he doesn't want to be married to me, but did say he will alwyas love me. That is the first time has said that since he left. Is he weakening or am I too hopeful. This is so hard, and I get more confused by the day. I feel I'm at the point that if he doesnt come back I will be sad, but I could move on. He is leaving for Utah hunting this weekend. So I'm hoping that he will do alot of thinking while he is gone. Sometimes I feel like I am reaching for the impossible, but on the other hand, he has not made any attempt to file for D so I can't quit now. I want him back. Any words of advice? Thanks JME

[Jamesjohn]

[marc_d]

This is a great post. Well for those who dont know about my situation, heres a quick run-down. my girlfriend of 7 1/2 years, seperated for 6 months now. Have been in fantastic relationship with practically no arguments and both planned marriage but I must admit I was'nt as excited as I should have been only because I was not financially secure but since seperation I am going back to school to make sure I can provide for a family now. Anyways, We started our seperation in may after a big fight where something I did upset her. She asked for a break and I didn’t really take it seriously since the beginning. I did try occasionally and there were signs of improvement early on but I would rush things or complain and would fall deeper into my problem. After many backslides I started DB’ing the beginning of November and have noticed small improvements and she has finally been initiating contact with me and even asked me out once.

Ok, now for how to make her miss me more. I have began doing several things such as dressing much nicer but I think I need to town it down a little. Im not wearing suits or anything but I should reserve the really nice outfits for special occasions to impress her and she out right told me that she noticed but it hasn’t done anything for her. That was before I started DB’ing though. I blame my backslides for that along with my mental state around her. I tried to be more upbeat around her but I would get upset and not act like my old self and she noticed.

I know one thing she has told me over and over that she loved my sense of humor and she fell in love with my personality, not my looks. I think I have been focusing too much on my looks to make her attracted to me but that’s not what did it in the first place. Since DB’ing I am trying to sound cheery on the phone or when we see eachother. Id love to ask her what else she misses but I am afraid that her emotional state might blind her memories.

Her birthday was this week and every year I would make a big deal of it and have a cake and a mini-party waiting for her at her house but this year I didn’t. I want her to miss these things. I just hope she notices. Ok, that’s all for now. Thanks for listening everyone!

[dragonflie]

Well, I don't know how I can make him miss me. The things he like about me in the beginning were that I focused my entire life, every thought, every action, on him. I smothered him with attention and affection, and sex!

Obviously, I can't do these things right now, since I am trying to not contact him, but in the future maybe.
I would love to have him come over just for physical stuff, which I know he misses, but then it would mess up my head. Maybe in the future?

At this point, I am not sure how to make him miss me. His complaints in our marriage was that I showed no respect, no love, no affection, no appreciation and mostly that I didn't spend much time being physically close to him.

When he first met me, I was happy go lucky. We enjoyed every minute of out time together and stole lots of kisses at opportune moments. After M and our first baby, that all slipped away. I knew it was what he needed, but I couldn't find it in myself to give it to him and I haven't been able to figure out why.

He said he wanted a month with no contact, then 4 days later said he was filing for D. He has since said that although his feelings haven't changed....he won't rush into the D just yet. I have been doing the 180's that I can when I see him such as being polite (saying thank you and showing appreciation in small ways) complimenting him when he looks nice (complained I never did that either) and generally working on myself to be happier. (He complained that I was always negative and miserable) As far as the physicalness goes......I cannot make him miss me by showing him any physical means as he does not want that. The only other thing that I could do a 180 on is he said that no matter what, he could never do anything right in my eyes. I am dark on him with the exception of the kids and necessary Dr.'s appointments with them. SO, I am really at a loss as to what other steps I could take to make him miss me at this point.

Any insights?

[Mfl]

The only other thing that I could do a 180 on is he said that no matter what, he could never do anything right in my eyes. I am dark on him with the exception of the kids and necessary Dr.'s appointments with them. SO, I am really at a loss as to what other steps I could take to make him miss me at this point.

does your H take the kids on his own at all? If he does maybe you could let him know what a good job of that he is doing? It might not make him miss you but it will help him see you in a more positive light. As would trying to find the positive in everything and not mentioning the negatives.

[Jamesjohn]

^^^^^^^^

[nitaf]

saved woman, I am a liitle in the dark here. Are you or aren't with your H now?

[Jamesjohn]

^^^^^^^^^

[Tom_Servo]

Making them miss you. Hmmm..From my experience, you cant make anyone do anything they dont want to do. The minds of the WAS is not on missing the LBS, its on remembering all of the bad stuff that made them leave in the first place. This is so they can feel good about leaving. Especially if there is an OP involved. If you think the WAS is thinking about you as much as you are about them, you are probably going to be disappointed. They do not care as much as you do anymore, thats why they are gone. Do you think they remember the good times? Of course not. They only remember the bad times and how "they were never happy" and how "they made a big mistake marrying".

Im not trying to rustle anyones feathers but sometime you gotta draw the line. I feel that its unrealistic to "make" someone miss you. THEY made the choice to leave. Now its up to you to decide if youre gonna put your life on hold, wait and hope for this person to come back. You have some control in this situation- sit there and be miserable until the WAS comes back or get moving and live a good life. If they decide to come back it will be up to you if you want them back.

[hacker]

I hate to say this but Tom is right. Yes, they may miss you at first because the loneliness of a broken family sets in but after they have established a routine, and have gotten their own lives, the vast majority of WASs will simply forget the good times and avoid anything that may make them remember them. If they do, they'll usually double the number of negative things to remember to justify their actions. The WAS also surrounds himself or herself with people who will reinforce that notion while cutting out of their lives those people whom disagree with their actions or reasons.

That's just a reality for most folks. Yes, the pain will be there in the WAS. There's no denying that. But, like the LBS, that pain slowly goes away as time goes on and a new life is built. During this time for the WAS planning a permanent split, the emotional divorce often precedes the physical divorce. For the LBS, it's the other way around. That's why it's almost always harder on the LBS and why it takes much longer for them to rebuild their life.

[3K451]

I concur. I often feel as if we extend our own limbo by hoping they will miss us. It seems to me that we often want to replace the fact that the WAS has made a decision with hope. We can hang tenaciously onto that hope. Sometimes the best thing is to let the WAS have their decision, walk with the loss, and deal with the pain in order to have our lives.

[Jamesjohn]

Tom, hacker, and bluekeys have some very good points!!

A lot of the time, the person who walked is really "flooding" their thoughts with the negatives, the bad stuff about the relationship, and not leaving any room for any of the good thoughts. They were "never happy", things were "always bad", etc. Even when the good memories arise within them, their "defensive mechanism" might kick into gear, to push the positive thoughts out of the way. After all, how can they justify their actions and what they're doing if things really weren't all that bad, all the time. In fact, they become experts with "what you focus on expands".

This is where we can "reframe" the thoughts and practice of "making them miss you", and turn it into "NOT making them NOT miss you".

I think that every one of us are experts on how to "push their buttons" in a negative way. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most of us know more ways to "piss them off" in a hurry then how to make them "happy", right?! Even if we don't know how to make a bad interaction with them turn good, we have hundreds of ways that we know to make a good interaction turn bad.

More often than not, their radar is focused in on you screwing up, by either saying or doing the wrong thing, at the wrong time, and in the wrong place. This is where their focus is at, and this is where they're going to expand on their justifications for leaving. This is where some of their "power" lays, and this is where you can turn the tide in your favor.

In my humble point of view, "NOT making them NOT miss you" is a win/win situation.

If your partner is teetering at all with their decision to leave, you can help tip the balance in your favor by NOT feeding them any negative thoughts of your relationship, and it can leave a little more room inside of their heads for the "good stuff".

However, if it truly is too late, if they have truly moved on and won't look back at all, it gives you a chance to move forward, too, with grace and dignity intact.

If you find yourself having to push their buttons to provoke them, whether it be to "teach them a lesson", or to "punish" them in any way for the decision that they have made, or any reason similar to these, well, it's time to make peace with them, and yourself. For yourself.

This in NO WAY means to be a "doormat", to be subservient, or to just roll over and "play dead". On the contrary, boundaries in ANY kind of relationship is very healthy, and very necessary. If you aren't good with them, and how to work them effectively, this should be the very next thing you work on. It will help others gain more respect for you, and help you gain more respect for yourself. This can help give you the best chance of "moving forward", or "moving on", whichever the case may be.

Off my soapbox now, and again, JMHO!

[molly01]

Some good advice in here...however...I've only been married 4 months and my husband and I are physically separated we have been for nearly a month with minimal contact...he wants to sort out finances etc and seems to have clearly moved on whilst I'm still in shock. He said he was sick of all the arguing and bickering and we're incompatible and he's independant..he was confused and in tears one day then went to clear his head for a couple of days and came back with this stuff. I'm not entirely convinced this is 'all of it'...I don't know whether he is seriously disallusioned which can occur after even honeymoon etc...or he feels he's made a mistake marrying me...it just seems miles away from our wedding day which he still said was the best day of his life and he loved me very much! He's a pretty independant person, and I just think he thought marriage was for him, but clearly isn't...surely if there is arguing and bickering being the only problem you can sit down and resolve it...but he didn't, he wanted out completely! I didn't get a say in it. Anyway next week he has to go and collect our wedding album which is ready...not sure it will do any good...but I don't want it...it seems a bit of a joke now my wedding...I can't think of anything I can do to make him miss me...even in a few months...although it's been a month, he's moved on...without a backward glance. This is what he wanted.

[Concerned_Listener]

I agee with this post. My W and I are piecing (1mo.) after a 7 month separation. During the first four months of the separation, I was viewed in a negative light. She didn't see any positives to our R. The emotional distance was obvious. She sat in the attorney's office and agreed to the separation agreement and proceeding towards D.

I began to move forward with my life. I outwardly supported her decision to move to Florida. I set limits by having an attorney draft a separation agreement. I experimented with different social activities, and found two that are meaningful. We refinanced the house in my name to set the stage for separate lives. I continued to enjoy my professional life.

I guess she was reminded of the positives of our R and life, during her most recent visit to Ohio. She had every intent on returning to Florida. I had some help from luck as her car needed extensive repair, so her trip was extended. I treated her well during her trip, in a sincere desire to maintain a friendship. Something changed her mind, as she has announced that she does not want a D, and intends to move back home. She has returned to Florida to retrieve the cats and her belongings. I believe that posting on this site, following the good advice given to me, moving forward with my life, finding meaningful social activities, and beginning the legal process, played a role in influencing her decision.

Concerned_Listener

[molly01]

That's great news.!!

[molly01]

This is an interesting thread all of this, I do agree and don't agree in some areas. If your spouse has left you and you're separated...you can either choose to hold on to them until divorce is granted..or you can walk away. In terms of making them miss you...um..tricky one as you say they are filled with negative feelings...however, think back to why they fell in love with you in the first place? Often time apart and distance can make both parties really take stock of a situation and even if there is a minimal contact, I'm not saying you can resurrect a situation but you can help it along in your favour positively...getting on with your life clearly is key, and it's not too bad a notion for your WAS to be aware of this...often it's not that they don't love you anymore...they have fell out of that in love feeling...sometimes the thought of losing you can win your tide in your favour...it's different for each relationship, different dynamics etc...but it's a choice to love so if you choose to hold on as best you can I think that is noble at least you can say you did your best before giving up...as time goes by...you will know when is the right time for you to give up and move on. Whilst in the early weeks perhaps months your spouses can't wait to get away from you...once they've had distance and there is positive communication between you, no matter how minimal, puts you in a good light, if no reconciliation is apparent, then at least you can walk away knowing you handled the situation with dignity. Often, feelings rule our lives...they are not necessarily our desires and that goes for WAS too.

[Tom_Servo]

Tom Servo <----Walking away with dignity.

[cherylpd]

However, if it truly is too late, if they have truly moved on and won't look back at all, it gives you a chance to move forward, too, with grace and dignity intact.

My question is how do you move on with grace and dignity? How do you know when its truly too late? If someone could answer these questions I would be very happy.

My Background:
Married: almost 9 years
Lived Together: 14 years
No kids, Me 35 and H 36
Separated since August 2003
WAH asked for D January 7 2004

When my H left in August we agreed to no contact for 2 months but when we meet in October we both stated that we wanted to work things out. From October to November we had a couple of dates that went well, then I guess I pushed him too much. I asked that he moved back home and he said no. I then asked that we start going to therapy together he again said no. Of course this upset me and made him back away.

He changed his mind in mid November and said that we could start counseling in January. We spend the holidays apart then he asked me to meet him at Starbucks to tell me that our marriage must end. No explanations, no nothing! I have asked numerous times for some type of explanation but he just says that it was too painful, that once he calms down we will talk and lastly he said we could go to counseling to end our marriage on a good note.

I went dark about 2 months ago because I could not take anymore rejection. He has not contacted me at all except in March to inform of his chosen lawyer and in April by sending a lame birthday card. Advice Anyone?
Hopeless in Horsham
Cheryl

[molly01]

Hi Cheryl...been following your posts etc...you've got one confused man...it's not a good place to be for him, but it's not all too negative for you...he's clearly having trouble letting go...only time will heal. Everyone acts on their feelings, not their true desires...all I can suggest is stay dark and see what his next step is. Be honest with yourself too...I know you want him back, but do you want him back all confused?? Michelle says it takes baby steps sometimes one forward, then three steps back...only time and being receptive and not reactive will give him confidence to sort his head out...I know that doesn't help..but I wouldn't give on him yet if your heart won't let you, BUT you can 'wait' in your heart but get on with your life, with or without him...Michelle also says it can take months ...only you will know when it's time to let go, if you're not ready then don't...but in the meantime waiting doesn't mean pining by the phone and have expectations of what you think your husband should be doing or trying to second guess what he's thinking...it's clear he's confused...nobody can sort that head out of his other than himself. You've also had quite a long history, I expect like you, his head is fighting with his heart and trying to figure out if he's able to come back and sort out alot of the hurt and resentment that must've have built within both of you if he feels there are insurmountable differences...he won't want to fail again, failure to a man is deadly..that's probably what he's battling with now, and sad as it seems he needs to find the clarity and confidence again..some people don't let go until they are served with divorce papers and it's final....whatever you feel you are nobly fighting on, but you must take care of YOU. too

[imalright]

This is so interesting, I'd thought I'd jump in!

I believe that posting on this site, following the good advice given to me, moving forward with my life, finding meaningful social activities, and beginning the legal process, played a role in influencing her decision.

I'm moving forward to! For awhile I thought my H was reconnecting and then bam, he shifted gears and is pushing me to get the D. So here I am in shock for the second time.

I've gone dark; no contact at all and he has done the same. with the exception of his one call that said he had a missed call from me, not! Other than that nothing. H was coming over at least 1-2x a week and between Oct-Dec 3-4x. Whatever happened I will never know, maybe he thinks he will get rid of his pain, who knows.

All I know is I'm moving on with my life. Finding I don't need him as much as I thought, LOL.

I have to agree with most here; when the WAS has it set in their minds to move on without the LBS, it's best to leave them to it! Let them go on their merry way! Some end up deciding that maybe they should rethink their choices, some don't.

It's best to act as if you are moving on, not only for your sanity but for all envolved. Sometime when we do this, our S's decide they need to work on the M. So no matter what happens it is a win/win situation.

My advice~move forward and detach. Build a life; someday if we so choose, maybe our S's will end their journey and come back.

Deb

[Tom_Servo]

Cherlypd, to me walking away with dignity is just that - walking away. No more crying over the WAS, no more wondering what they are doing, no more sleepless nights. No begging and pleading for them to come back. Nothing they do can effect you emotionally anymore. Its your choice.

Walk away knowing that you did all that you could and thats that. The LBS needs to realize that they CAN live without their WAS- and maybe get a better life. Detach. Once one gets their self esteem back, they realize "Why would I want someone back that treated me like that?" We didnt ask for this to happen to us, the WAS made this decision and so be it. The LBS must now decide whether to wallow in self pity or take the sitch as a learning experience and move on with their lives.

Sure it will take some time, we have all been there, but there will be a point when you just get tired of all the nonsense and decide to make a better life for yourself. My advise- get lots of excersice, eat right, get therapy for yourself - not marraige counselling, have some fun and stop worrying about things you cant control. Once you feel better about yourself the whole picture will change for you.

[DBB]

Walk away knowing that you did all that you could and thats that. The LBS needs to realize that they CAN live without their WAS- and maybe get a better life.

T,

This really is what it is all about. WAW moved out in Mar and has filed. Taking long time for me to understand and work through the pain. I miss her and what I thought was our family (3 children). I know intellectually I MUST go on for me and these children.

She will always be in ny heart just maybe not my life.

Thanks

[cherylpd]

Julie,
This is so hard! I never know what to do or say. I am tired of trying to figure out what he is thinking or doing.

Do I just stick to my gun and leave him be, do not contact him at all, file the child support papers...or should I wait with the papers and just stick to not contacting him.

That's what I did, I did not call or email him for over 2 months. It was the worst 2 months of my life. Your WAH will contact you sooner because of your daughter. The only reason he contacted me was because he knows what he did was wrong (cancelling my health and auto insurance).

We are to meet on saturday but I am not sure if I want to meet him now. I am afraid that the meeting will devastate me again. Any advice????
Cheryl

[Tom_Servo]

Cherylpd, I have not seen my W in 6 months. If I were to meet with her, I would not only act happy around her, I would actually BE happy. Be strong and upbeat when you meet with him. Be the kind of person that would make him think twice about wanting to leave you. Remember, the whole idea is that its just fine with you that he wants to leave. Its his choice and you are absolutely fine, no, HAPPY with his choice.

Have some confidence in yourself and get your self esteem pumped up. Its his loss. Remember, you are a happy, confident, great person, so he must have his own issues if he doesnt want to be with you. Show that side of you Saturday, dont wallow in misery or let him know how unhappy you are. You will do just great- the best part will be seeing his reaction to the "new" you.

[xalelle]

but Im giving her total space!

Good for you. Wait for her to call again. She will.

[Jamesjohn]

Sometimes, it doesn't hurt to be not so available, and to "let" them miss you.