I do not think that. Here's what I think and tell me if you agree/think it's wrong
Husband comes home from work.
Wife who is a stay at home mom is frustrated with her day and when both asks eachothers day went, W starts bitching about it.
H takes it personally.
W just venting and needs a hug.
*********
Next week....H comes home from work....
This time H beats her to the bitching and complains about work. W doesn't take it personally but resents him always complaining, her comforting him, but he never doing the same back.
See the vicious circle?
********
How to do something different:
**********
H comes home from work.
Wife greets him with a smile and a hug. (Their marriage isn't "bad" yet so it's easier to make changes). They ask how eachother's day is. Wife had a really tough one with the kids and everyone needing a piece of her...the kids, the neighbor who works and asks her to go take her kid to a hair appointment cuz she can't get off work...stuff like that. Wife needs to vent.
Wife first says..."I had a rough day and really need a hug". Wife tells H what to do - H does it and feels relieved because he isn't the target of her frustration but the solution to it.
H vents about his day but W is able to listen w/o resenting because her emotional needs were taken care of.
**********
So Dbers, what do you think. Wife did not have to push aside her frustrations inorder to do something different.
Boy, I wish I knew this DB stuff 13 years ago.
Kathy