She turns me OFF, not on - DivorceBusting.com

Of course Michele is right about interpersonal issues leading to physical distance, at least at this middle-age stage of the game, when the sexual drive isn't overwhelming like it once was.

And call me shallow and a hypocrite -- yes, 32 years ago I did agree and greatly desire to marry the sexy young woman who I knew, intellectually, would eventually grow old with me -- and no denying how she's given herself, her youth and life for our marriage, and by right deserves every ounce of my body and soul.

But the fact is, for 5 years now, this woman turns me OFF. The thought of her in sexy lingerie makes me nauseous, and I really don't want her to touch me. Other women do still attract me, even middle aged women, but as unfair and tragic as I understand it to be, cheating us both out of whatever years of physical intimacy that would have been left, since I was 55 or so, I just can't get physical with her.

Have been to many counselors, can use Cialis if I'd want to, but... perhaps I can get some good, practical advice here for the realistic situation as it stands (or droops or sags)? Thanks

Welcome to the board.

You are OldDog not to be confused with another poster here that is named Old Dog, he is about 55 years old, so am I understanding that you are around 60?

What other information can you give us.
Do you have children?

What can your wife do?
What does she want to do?

What do you want to do?

If other women attract you, what is it about your W that doesn't? Did something happen between you to make you dislike her on some level, or is it how she looks physically?

Thanks for the reply, Cadet. Correct, I'm 59.
Yes, we have many kids, 4 still at home, and it is because of the youngest, 12, that I hang around.

What does my wife want to do? Anything. What can she do? Nothing.
It's never for lack of her good intentions or her lack of trying.

She can't change herself physically or intellectually more than she tries.

We were two introverts who shyly married. The lack of communication was fine then. Although often lonely, it was also OK to be in my own world with the physical contact to make up for the distance.

I guess if she still was physically attractive to me, things would have continued the same. But at this stage, her lack of interest, or lack of understanding if she does remember to express interest, is more painful, and without the physical compensation.

What -- if we were each others best friend, if communication & understanding was great, would I then want to be physically intimate again? I anxiously read Sex Starved Marriage, figuring it would relate to this issue, but it doesn't seem to be a standard problem. It's hard for me to believe many men don't lose interest in their wives physically, EVEN if there are no relationship issues. Am I a pervert?

Thank you for your reply, Painter.

I like your quote about commitment - who said it?

See my previous response regarding basic relationship issues, loneliness in marriage.

As for physically, to be crass, my wife's physique has changed over the years, so that she no longer has certain physical assets which still interest me when viewed in other women, regardless of age.

But again, it's hard for me to believe I'm unusual in this respect, and so I hope there is some secret key I'm missing to at least turn the physical magnet on again.

Perhaps if I got drunk or otherwise out of my normal head in order to be intimate with her? Hopefully there's another way.

Thanks

Originally Posted By: OldDog

It's hard for me to believe many men don't lose interest in their wives physically, EVEN if there are no relationship issues. Am I a pervert?

I think that it more than likely happens a lot more than is advertised, however do I think that you should have an affair or divorce?

Ermmm - NO!!

Maybe I miswrote my initial question,
I was really meaning is your wife a willing participant
in sex?

It sounds like your romance and hormones are dead.

Would this be better with someone else?
My guess is that initially - YES - long term - NO,
you would cycle back to the same issues that
got you here in the first place.
You would in the process destroy your family,
your children's family and futures.

Sorry I don't believe in divorce.

So I guess I was also asking are the two of you
willing to SPICE up your life?
Sounds like you need some excitement put back into it.

Am I hitting home yet?

I'm still a little mystified, do you mean you feel your W has not aged well so she's not physically attractive to you anymore?

As a woman, what makes me want to ML to my H is warmth, communication, affection, and the light in his eyes when he looks at me. I know for him, it's the sight of my boobs.

Seriously, are all men that visual? Or is your situation the downfall of not investing emotionally in the M, so you now have nothing to fall back on? Not having private jokes and shared fun? Do you go out dancing with your W? Do you go to the movies or a concert together? What have you done to put the fizz back in your R?

ETA: The quote is from a book about affairs by another author, and we're not supposed to post that here...

Originally Posted By: Painter

Seriously, are all men that visual?

Uhhh - YES!

But *only* visual? What about all the men who are married to women who have lost their looks and still are attracted to them?

Their are men that don't have "attractive wife" as a need,
and they have other "needs" that may fulfilled instead.

I am just saying in general it is a male need.

Some men don't have "touch" as a love language
however I would guess that in general most men
do and that translates into sexual fulfillment.
Where as women would like affection as their #1 need.

Again this is generally speaking, their are exceptions to
every rule.

Thanks Cadet.
"Would this be better with someone else? My guess is that initially - YES - long term - NO, you would cycle back to the same issues that got you here in the first place. You would in the process destroy your family, your children's family and futures." Totally -- as I watched my father do with my mom. And so I'm still here, buying books, checking out forums.

She would be willing to do anything sexually, but nothing she would do would interest me coming from her. "Spice up" -- other than anything she would do, maybe you mean "swinging," but I doubt it.

Thanks,
OldDog

There's something in the way you talk about her that makes me feel there's more to this than the physical part.

Originally Posted By: Painter

There's something in the way you talk about her that makes me feel there's more to this than the physical part.

OldDog,

Actually I think their is more to it than her,
I think it is something you need to change in YOU!

Love is a CHOICE.

You had marriage VOWS and now because of a bad feeling you
don't want to honor them.

You have someone that loves you to death and
you want to kick them to the curb.

Whats wrong with you?

I think before you act you should look deep inside first!

Sorry for the intrusion - I started reading your thread thinking you were a different Old Dog.

Your story reminds me a bit of my ex husband, especially your statement "The thought of her in sexy lingerie makes me nauseous, and I really don't want her to touch me."

My ex and I are a couple of years older than you, and also got married in our early 20s. My ex seemed to lose his libido (or desire for me, anyway) after 20 years of marriage, and we had less and less sex until he cut me off completely in 2009. He gave me a whole laundry list of reasons of why he did not love me anymore, and why I was sexually unattractive, including the fact that I was too short and reminded him of an ape. He told me that he'd rather just masturbate. Whew. Hurtful.

You wrote "... no denying how she's given herself, her youth and life for our marriage, and by right deserves every ounce of my body and soul." Yes, she does. You must know that Cadet is right -- love is a choice, not a feeling.

So what about your wife is so physically unattractive to you, so much that the mere thought of her touching you makes you nauseated? Are you in such awesome physical shape yourself? I agree with Painter, it sounds as if this distaste is due to more than the physical part, but it's hard to believe that that the mere thought of your wife touching you makes you nauseated just because you are having trouble communicating, or because she is not as intellectual as you.

My ex made me feel so hideous that I thought no one would ever be interested in me again, but that did not turn out to be true; his feelings turned out to be a rationalization for the fact that he was heavily involved in an emotional affair, due to a mid life crisis.

I am going to risk the wrath of the moderators (sorry Cadet

)and suggest a book that might help you, since your wife is willing to do anything she can to help you fall in love with her again, physically and emotionally. It is named His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley. Maybe if you two can identify your main needs, you could both try to meet them.