First Thread:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2875425I have promised my sister and a close friend that I will have a holiday moratorium on talking about H (now better known as the Stranger In My House), even though there of course is much I have to say. Thank goodness for this board where I can vent during the holidays. I do want to enjoy the holidays (my first holiday in over 14 years celebrating without H). It is tough but I am doing all I can. I already broke the moratorium atleast 3 times today.
H has mentioned that we should spend time with the kids together tomorrow. I am a little nervous because out of town family will be around, most who have no idea about our marital troubles. Any tips for handling this situation if H actually follows through with the plan to see us?
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H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Just be yourself. You are not the one that has to worry about how to act, i.e., your h is the one that needs to worry.
Treat him as you would a salesman, i.e., smile and make small talk if he comes over to you...otherwise, socialize w/the rest of the group and try to enjoy yourself.
Just dropping in to say I’m sending positive thoughts your way, and I hope you can enjoy the time with your family. I like Job’s advice—let your H worry about how he looks!
Thanks Job and Cardinal for your advice/support. I felt much more relieved when I realized that H is the one who should be worried, not me. He was obviously nervous the entire Christmas Day when the kids and I spent time with him. For the kids' sake, I was happy he followed through and arranged to see us even though we are out of town with family for the holidays.
I still love him and wish those feelings would just go. I wish the pain would disappear as well. Baby steps, I guess. Happiness is a choice is what I keep telling myself, but it is easier said than done.
Someone please talk me down off the ledge. Today I feel like giving up. I saw H commented inappropriately on another woman's social media post (not the first time) and now I am feeling like what is the use in standing for this shell of a marriage? What is left of it to even stand for? I don't know how long I can deal with his disrespectful behavior. I have been crying off and on all morning.
We spent Christmas with the kids and his behavior was much better, but now he is back to his usual it seems. I don't feel like I can endure this long term.
I know I need to focus on my kids, GAL, 180 and all that but it is just so hard. My sister tells me to stay off social media and I won't see this stuff.
Oh, and one other important thing I should add...H and I were intimate for the first time since BD over the holidays. I told myself it meant nothing and tried to switch right back to detaching, but this is likely why I am so emotional today.
Someone please talk me down off the ledge. Today I feel like giving up. I saw H commented inappropriately on another woman's social media post (not the first time) and now I am feeling like what is the use in standing for this shell of a marriage? What is left of it to even stand for? I don't know how long I can deal with his disrespectful behavior. I have been crying off and on all morning.
We spent Christmas with the kids and his behavior was much better, but now he is back to his usual it seems. I don't feel like I can endure this long term.
I know I need to focus on my kids, GAL, 180 and all that but it is just so hard. My sister tells me to stay off social media and I won't see this stuff.
Hi HesAble,
You can do this. There is so much happening at this time of year that it makes everything harder, and I think it also-- for me at least-- feel like I want to either pretend this isn't happening or push for some kind of resolution. I'm sure that the physical intimacy is adding to how you're feeling now, but I know how hard it is to turn off those feelings-- and/or, to feel like he was able to just turn it right back off again.
Staying off social media is a great idea-- so you won't see his garbage, but also so you don't have to have all the other happy family holiday photos shoved in your face. (That has been hard for me, even though I know that the likelihood is other couples are struggling with some of the same issues we are... what is wrong with our society that no-one wants to share this stuff with their friends? I don't want to-- yet-- because I'm still hoping that this can somehow be resolved without people needing to find out because they'll really judge him (and me for sticking with him)-- but am ever so grateful for this community where we can be open and know that there are people there to help and who understand.)
Is there something small you can do to relax? Even just wash your face, make a cup of tea or something warm, grab a good book or a brainless TV show? Take the kids to a movie? Something that can get your mind off of what is happening with H? I read here a lot that it isn't good to make decisions in the heat of emotion, so letting these emotions wash over you, recede, and then seeing how you feel in a day or two could help. There is no need to rush.
Hang in there.
may22, thanks for the encouragement. You are right that being on social media not only exposes me to his garbage but also to all the happy family photos for the holidays. Man! What a doozy! Taking a social media break...
Oh, and one other important thing I should add...H and I were intimate for the first time since BD over the holidays. I told myself it meant nothing and tried to switch right back to detaching, but this is likely why I am so emotional today.
The first time after BD for me sent me on a roller coaster as well. I even told him that I wouldn't be able to do this because it's all too emotional for me and once we were intimate all my expectations flooded back. But somehow I was able to really detach more and more and ultimately it wasn't so much of an issue for me if we become intimate. Lately we've kept our distance though and I have found that it has been good to keep that distance physically. I can treat him more and more like a friend than my H.
Hey
The best thing that I ever did was block my ex so I could not see her posts and she could not See mine
Think of something you can do for you perhaps something new or something you have always wanted to do
It gets easier I pinky promise 😊
Take care
Today I'm feeling a bit resentful. H is off looking for happiness while I manage kids, bills, etc. The funny thing is I have not been happy either but I choose to be responsible. The more I think about this new H, the more I despise him for being so selfish, narcissistic, and self-centered. Definitely not the person I married.
I cried like a baby this morning after my prayer/devotional time, grieving my old H and the marriage I once took for granted.
hang in there, after a period of grieving you will come out the other side stronger. For me the grieving is now on and off. It's strange, I don't want to go to that place and feel the sadness, but more often than not I feel like it's helpful to feel the pain. The pain keeps me honest with myself. Or else I become completely detached and all I have left is "why the hell am I still here."
I do get stressed out also managing the kids and basically everything else in this house. try to make time for yourself and find ways to de-stress. Your kids will be happier when you are happier.
hugs!
Thanks, Woosa. I cannot wait until I come out on the other side! In the midst of my grief, I sent him a text to see how things went with his triip back from the holidays to which he has not yet responded. I am determined to now go dim (only communication about joint bills or about the children) and detach.
Also I know what you all say about not believing what my WH/MLC spouse says, but this is becoming hard. Maybe he is right. Maybe he cannot be the spouse I need. Maybe he has thought about this long and hard and the right thing to do Is move on. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done - trying to stand alone for my marriage when my spouse has completely checked out.
Shortly after BD my mind was a mess, and I kept thinking about getting out ASAP because I cannot “waste time” with someone who is not there for me. But slowly my mentality changed and I decided to stand. Not for an infinite amount of time but for the time being. Later when my H asked me for more time, I told him that we’ve been together for 10+ years, I can give you at least a few months. Which I think is the same in your sitch, you are still pretty new in this, give yourself some time to decide. You may feel different everyday, and with time you will have more clarity. It’s hard I know, but I am three months in and I didn’t think I’d make it this far either.
I am praying for strength to endure these marital problems. I have an appointment with my IC in January. Part of the "homework" the IC assigned relates to GAL. So perhaps I should get busy with that and with focusing more on my career (the end of Nov. & beginning of Dec. was not my most productive time at work to say the least).
Another issue is the loneliness. I was already somewhat lonely before DB, but now I feel super lonely. I try to spend more time with family and friends but there is a loneliness that it seems only a partner can fill. Praying that God fill that void because I know He can.
I saw H commented inappropriately on another woman's social media post (not the first time) and now I am feeling like what is the use in standing for this shell of a marriage? What is left of it to even stand for? I don't know how long I can deal with his disrespectful behavior.
I filed as soon as I found about the OW (and I need money) so I'm probably not the one to give advice. My WAH tells D14 which women he thinks are "hot". One is a former teacher of my kids (that stung). So lets recap he's married, he's got OW and he's still trolling for women. I'm so sad.
I saw H commented inappropriately on another woman's social media post (not the first time) and now I am feeling like what is the use in standing for this shell of a marriage? What is left of it to even stand for? I don't know how long I can deal with his disrespectful behavior.
I filed as soon as I found about the OW (and I need money) so I'm probably not the one to give advice. My WAH tells D14 which women he thinks are "hot". One is a former teacher of my kids (that stung). So lets recap he's married, he's got OW and he's still trolling for women. I'm so sad.
Hugs to you. Sorry you are here. It has been so hard for me to maintain my forgiving spirit and to keep standing for my marriage when H is so disrespectful, so I can imagine how painful this has been for you. I have been trying to detach, GAL, etc., but just when I think I can, H does something else to make me regress into negative emotions.
Today my daughter somehow found an album of honeymoon photos of me and H. She brought them over to me and began flipping through the pages. I thought I was going to burst into tears. I quietly got up and went to the restroom.
Every time I tell myself I do not need this shell of a marriage, emotions start rushing in because something like this happens.
Breathe! It's okay....you are grieving for the loss of a relationship and the old marriage is now dead. Grieving takes a long time to get through and it's best to allow those tears and emotions to wash over you and then release them. As times goes on, it will get better.
Dig deeper for patience and be kind and gentle to yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get through each minute, hour and day. No one says you have to be Ms. Happy every day.
H has a HD and my drive has been pretty low due to what I realize now was chronic fatigue due to depression and resentment for him not helping enough with the kids and chores. (Once or twice a week was not enough for him). If we were in a SSM, how do I address that in 180ing? I guess I cannot if I am detaching and if this is one of his main problems in the marriage, detaching may hurt more than help because I am obviously not giving him any physical attention (with the exception of the time he initiated weeks after the BD)?
Can anyone tell by my last post that I am driving myself insane wanting to FIX this which is absolutely impossible for me to do alone? I have decided I should just go to bed early tonight because I have shut myself in the bathroom crying and praying silently so my children cannot hear for the past 15 minutes. H is not at home and I see the usual signs that he likely will not return until morning. I want to scream but have to suffer in silence trying to stay strong for the children. I need to just go to sleep before my emotions cause me to act out of desperation by calling or texting H and saying something completely the opposite of what DB advises.
I need a good swift kick in the pants to get me out of this mood!!!
Able,
I know how hard it is, but you can not control your H. At the same time, his choices impact you and your children. Stay strong for your kids and be the best YOU can be. You can do this!
W
The staying out all night is really starting to affect me more and more. I experience anxiety not knowing which random nights he will stay out then depression when he does. Should I tell him that if he needs to stay out all night 2 and 3 times a week, perhaps being "separated" by living in the basement is not a good idea. I can't kick him out but I can ask him to make a choice. He needs his own place with this lifestyle? Or should I just say nothing and continue watching this nightmare unfold for a certain time period (3-6 months)?
Able,
I know how hard it is, but you can not control your H. At the same time, his choices impact you and your children. Stay strong for your kids and be the best YOU can be. You can do this!
W
W, thanks so much for the encouragement. I really need that tonight!
HesAble
Hi, HesAble. I know it’s hard. I don’t have any easy answers—my H has been coming and going and sometimes not coming home for months now. It’s gotten easier to focus on myself and look forward to the times he’s gone as times when I can relax, but I still feel a twinge when he leaves without saying goodbye. Hang in there. You’re not alone.
hi HesAble,
You're in an awful situation. Here are a couple of suggestions that you can take or leave:
-- can you pretend to yourself he isn't coming home, so there is no expectation and might help relieve the anxiety of wondering? Just assume he isn't and try not to care or worry about it.
-- are you able to 100% focus on the kids in the time before they go to bed? Find extra fun things to do together that you can plan and just enjoy them?
-- what things can you do for yourself after the kids go to bed that can distract you from wondering if he is coming home or not?
I have also been veeeeeery unproductive at work. Today was the first day in awhile that I had enough meetings and activities to keep me pretty busy and it felt good. Doubling down there might also be a way to keep your mind off of H.
Hang in there!
Hi, HesAble. I know it’s hard. I don’t have any easy answers—my H has been coming and going and sometimes not coming home for months now. It’s gotten easier to focus on myself and look forward to the times he’s gone as times when I can relax, but I still feel a twinge when he leaves without saying goodbye. Hang in there. You’re not alone.
Cardinal, thanks for the encouraging words. I hate when H leaves without saying goodbye too which is more often than not here lately. This too shall pass. You hang in there too.
hi HesAble,
You're in an awful situation. Here are a couple of suggestions that you can take or leave:
-- can you pretend to yourself he isn't coming home, so there is no expectation and might help relieve the anxiety of wondering? Just assume he isn't and try not to care or worry about it.
-- are you able to 100% focus on the kids in the time before they go to bed? Find extra fun things to do together that you can plan and just enjoy them?
-- what things can you do for yourself after the kids go to bed that can distract you from wondering if he is coming home or not?
I have also been veeeeeery unproductive at work. Today was the first day in awhile that I had enough meetings and activities to keep me pretty busy and it felt good. Doubling down there might also be a way to keep your mind off of H.
Hang in there!
May22, thank you so much for this advice. I am going to try doing these things because they do sound helpful. I will report back on my progress. You hang in there.
I need to just go to sleep before my emotions cause me to act out of desperation by calling or texting H and saying something completely the opposite of what DB advises.
Your head is mostly in the right place!!! Don’t call, don’t text, don’t ask....
My mood was down earlier too, I do find it helpful to concentrate 110% on the kids when they are around. S10 was looking at his baby pictures today and we laughed together on how chubby of a baby he was. H is missing all these small moments, something he will never get back.
Your head is mostly in the right place!!! Don’t call, don’t text, don’t ask....
My mood was down earlier too, I do find it helpful to concentrate 110% on the kids when they are around. S10 was looking at his baby pictures today and we laughed together on how chubby of a baby he was. H is missing all these small moments, something he will never get back.
You are right. My H is missing out on a lot of things with the kids as well. What bothers me so much though is that apparently he places no value in those family moments. I am not sure he will ever realize what he has missed. Even before DB when things were "going well," he was missing so much because he was seldom at home or with us.
Another difficulty is dealing with all the memories of annual things we used to do together as they come up on the calendar now. We used to attend friends' parties, etc. together and now H does not want me to go with him anywhere. It is just painful. It is like they are all his friends now and so I am shut out. I should have done a better job nurturing my own friendships while things were "going well" but I focused so much on the kids and neglected friendships just like I neglected growing our marriage. It is all so sad and I am so full of regrets that I cannot express anywhere but in this forum. If I could just go back, I would do a lot differently but all I can do is focus on now...making new friends now.
You are blaming too much on yourself. I understand regrets.......believe me. The downfall of your MR was not all on you. As previously discussed, your H entered the M unlearned and unprepared to be the husband/man he needed to be. He is a mama's boy. He will continue breaking your heart until you decide you've had enough of his bs. Stop thinking and acting like a victim, and start being a woman who has a life apart from this sorry husband. Yes, you love him, and I'm not saying you have to stop loving him. I'm saying you need to get some
spunk, girl. Stop crying over a man who treats you like an old newspaper. You need to think more highly of yourself. Why do I say that? B/c if your self esteem was higher, you would have kicked him out, instead of putting up with his cr@p.
Let me tell you something about a wayward spouse. When they know they have lost you.......it changes the entire dynamics in the relationship. He KNOWS he still has you whenever, if ever, he wants you. He KNOWS you want to save the M. He KNOWS he doesn't have to do 2 cents of anything to stay on, and you'll continue to put up with it. Isn't that what you've done throughout the MR? Maybe he wasn't cheating, but you know what I'm talking about. So, what are you going to do???
I suggest you start showing how you can have a fun time, too. Hire a babysitter and get yourself out of that house. I know you are a devoted mother, and I praise you for it. I'm not saying you have to stay out all night every night. Most of all, have an attitude that makes a statement. Be mysterious!! Don't tell him what you've got going on, where you are going, who you'll see, etc. Get a new hair color, different style, new fashion clothes........but change
something! Why is he not worried about what
you are doing, where
you are,
who you are with? You know why.....don't you? He isn't the one staying awake and crying b/c you aren't home, is he? So, you've got to get your game on.
Speaking of game, some folks may want to flare up when I say this......but I'm going to say it anyway. This is like a game. It's a very
serious game, and it's not fun...... but it's still like a game. If the LBS could learn how the wayward spouse operates/thinks........they would understand what I mean when I say it is like a game. The LBS must change the dynamics, in order for the wayward spouse to come to their senses, in most cases. You may be a beautiful woman, inside and outside, but your H is taking you for granted....BIG TIME. I think he always has. Why? B/c that's the mindset of a wayward, and
you spoiled him.......just like his mama spoiled him. From what I have learned about waywards.........most have been spoiled rotten. Now, I'm not saying wayward spouses did not have certain needs that were not being met. I want you to understand that, okay? But I've been reading about waywardness for a long time, and
one of the common denominators I see is that they have been spoiled by parents or by the LBS.....or both. Some are more/less than others.....but there's
some in there, if you know what I mean.
Okay, so get a plan of action. Know what your personal boundaries are. Get some personal 180's going on in your life. Get a life, and have fun! Take your kids and go on a fun weekend trip.....without him. Listen, a new look and a new attitude can make a big difference. This is the advice I've heard from wayward husbands. So, take it for whatever you think it's worth. I'll add this..........if my H had dumped me, and told me he would find someone else who appreciated him....it would have jerked me back into the real world a lot faster. I never even considered that he would leave me! See the arrogance? I'm not telling you to go find another man. I'm just saying you need to change the dynamics, in order for him to realize he doesn't want to lose you. Waywards take their LBS for granted. What will you do to change it?
Thanks, Sandi. That is exactly the kind of tough love talk I need. Planning to start the work on getting my spunk back today. He definitely needs to start worrying about what I am doing and who I am with...he absolutely takes me for granted and that must change.
I am happy to report that I began full force GAL preparation this evening. I asked a friend to come over and watch the kids. Then I went out and had some much needed and deserved me time. I invested in a few new things to wear that will make me feel confident and attractive. I bought a new journal to record my thoughts. I tried on new perfumes and may purchase one of them soon. Tomorrow the GAL Project will continue. I am determined to get my spunk back. I lost it and who I was during the course of the marriage.
Day 2 of my full-on GAL Project: I joined a meetup group of others in my profession in the area. We won't meet until the end of the month but this is exciting and something to look forward to. I have been saying that I need to network more and this will be my opportunity.
Keep it up, HesAble!! Get that spunk back
I can already hear it in your posts.
Rooting for you, HesAble! I agree with May--these are great steps toward spunk!
Well, I was doing great with the GAL project then H initiated an intimate encounter last night and now I am fighting emotions again. The GAL project must continue. The thing that I struggle with is whether I should be intimate at all with him when he goes right back to his emotional distancing in the basement right after the deed is done. For those who are still intimate with a Wayward spouse, how did you deal with that?
Ok, giving myself a tough love talk! I did not put in all that GAL effort this weekend only to regress.
Finally ordered and received my new copy of DR (I could not locate the old copy I bought a few years back when dealing with H's infidelity). I plan to start reading that tonight. I clearly need a refresher!
Putting my big girl panties on and continuing to MOVE FORWARD! As much as I want H to be in my life (in spite of all his faults), the reality is that I do not need him to be in my life. I need to start acting like I know that.
My D9 is watching a TV show where a kid is sad that his parents are getting a divorce. She is now commenting on how sad it is that this kid is experiencing this and asks me, "Mom, this boy's parents are getting a divorce. Isn't that so sad?" All I could say was "yes, it is sad, dear." Sigh. I haven't a drink in a while but tonight might be a good night for a pre-bedtime glass of wine.
For those who are still intimate with a Wayward spouse, how did you deal with that?
Mine is not ww (that I know of), but for us we were still intimate a few times after BD. As long as you’re still keeping your expectations at zero, if you are comfortable with it and it meets your needs....maybe it is okay? Others have said if you know he’s involved with others you should not be intimate with him due to possible diseases etc. I feel like my H is the same way, once we’re intimate or we engage each other in a good way, the next moment or the next day he pulls away. I don’t take offense anymore, I honestly think H is just very confused.
My D9 is watching a TV show where a kid is sad that his parents are getting a divorce. She is now commenting on how sad it is that this kid is experiencing this and asks me, "Mom, this boy's parents are getting a divorce. Isn't that so sad?" All I could say was "yes, it is sad, dear." Sigh. I haven't a drink in a while but tonight might be a good night for a pre-bedtime glass of wine.
Shortly after BD one night I was reading a book to them before bed and bam! In my face was the part where one of the characters was a boy who was struggling with his parents’ divorce and he was describing his anger, frustration and all that. I had to hold back my tears. Now that S10 and S8 both know...so far they seem ok. As long as you remain the constant in your children’s lives, I believe they will be okay. We the LBSs have to be that much more for our children. Good luck!!
H is very confused too. I guess I shouldn't take any of his actions personally either, but it is just so tough. I do miss the old H but understand from this forum that, if we are able to reconcile, it will likely be a "new marriage" with a new H.
The thing that I struggle with is whether I should be intimate at all with him when he goes right back to his emotional distancing in the basement right after the deed is done. For those who are still intimate with a Wayward spouse, how did you deal with that?
IMHO, when it's the wife who is wayward and is having an affair (or conducting inappropriate behavior with OM) .......the LBH should
not be intimate with her. Heck, I don't think he should even show any physical affection, b/c her waywardness is due to her lack of respect for him
as a man. WW's will often use sex to manipulate the H, or use the H as the substitute sex tool while she fantasizes about OM. So, if
she knows that her
H knows about the OM, she will see her H wanting intimacy and affection as
weakness. It doesn't make her think
more of the LBH.....it builds the wall of disrespect even higher. The only thing a WW respects is
strength. If her H wants to be intimate with her, knowing she has betrayed him and currently cheating........she will see him as being weak and see herself as being in a position of power, so to speak. It's unhealthy, and hard to recover from that level of disrespect. The goal of the LBH should be to,
first, get his W's RESPECT for him as a
man, before he engages in physical affection with her. Just b/c she offers it, doesn't mean rip! She is simply using him. I know that some men will read this and laugh, maybe joke with the other guys that they aren't going to turn down sex. But that's the thing........the WW manipulates him
through sex, and if he can't turn her away when she is horribly betraying him, then she will see him as a pathetic excuse for a man. Even though some LBH's on the board may suggest it's okay just as long as they have no
expectation...... I shake my head and think, HA! LBH's are fooling themselves. Don't have sex with someone who detests you.........especially if it is your WW.
Once the WW ends her affair and stops all contact with the OM and agrees to her H's conditions regarding reconciliation.........THEN he can have sex with her. I
want to believe the same can be said about either spouse who has cheated, but realistically, I just think it's easier to get a wayward H back, than a WW.......b/c it isn't easy for a husband to get back lost respect. It's certainly not impossible, and that's why I try to share what I've learned from the WW side of the street. If there has been no infidelity, then I think it is a lot easier for a LBW to draw her H back, due to how men are wired.
It's a little complicated for me to put into words, but I believe men & women think & respond differently, b/c their makeup is not the same. Yes, they may see eye-to-eye, like the same things, and share the same moral and spiritual beliefs, etc..........but I'm not referring to those
type of things. I mean how they respond to emotional type of things. Like, men may hear the same scenario as a woman, but they will respond differently due to how they are wired. They are two different creatures/beings. Certain behavior in men will stimulate a positive, even
desirable response in women. However, it won't necessarily be the
same actions/behavior that brings positive/desirable responses from men. Make sense? In order for a wife to feel desire for her husband, she has to feel respect for him as a man. (That's a little something God put in the woman after man messed up a good thing in the garden. ;)) I'm not saying it's not important for the H to respect the W, but I don't think it has the impact on his sexual love/desire, to the degree it has on the W. After marriage, traditionally, the H is placed as the leader over his family. Traditionally, he is the main provider and protector over his family. It's like he is the president and the W is vice-president. Even if they agree about most everything, if there is a disagreement, someone has to have the final say. If the W habitually calls the shots, then she will eventually lose respect for the H, and that will affect her level of desire. You see, the W has to accept that he is the president in their house, and whenever she tries to change that order.......there will be issues. I don't want anyone having a heart attack when they read this post.....or misunderstand what I'm trying to say about the W respecting her H. (This is why I said it's complicated for me to put into words.)
During the life span of the woman, she will have high drive, low drive, and no drive. I have read that men are capable of departmentalizing everything in their life, and sex happens to be one of those things. IMHO, it's very different for most women, b/c our emotions/feelings are attached to
everything.......and it is never more obvious than when it comes to making love. For example, it's difficult for a wife to have sex when she can hear her small child in the next room, (it's even worse if the child is not so small and might hear the parents having sex). All the while her H is telling her to relax, the kids are fine......yada, yada. See what I mean? They are different creatures. If there is a problem between the H & W, he'll want to have sex to make up, while she needs to make up in order to desire sex.
(Oh me..........how did I get way over on this track? This is not exactly answering your question.)
If your primary love language is physical touch, then it seems logical that you desire to have that intimacy with your H. There is nothing wrong with you experiencing that need, b/c you still love him. But if you desire the physical connection b/c your self esteem is suffering and you want him to show that he still cares for you, or show some level of kindness, validation, admiration, tenderness, or whatever.........then I would have to wonder how healthy it could be for you. Someone else on the board might be more helpful. I admit I have too much pride when it comes to being intimate..........and I
was the wayward in my MR. You and I come from opposite sides, so it is somewhat difficult for me to emotionally feel how a spouse wants to be intimate when their sorry spouse has been cheating.......and when their spouse has voluntarily moved out of the MBR. If there is another woman in the picture, then I couldn't. I have told some LB Wives to not withhold sex, when cheating was
not involved. That's why I went into such a lengthen attempt to explain how I see the different approach with genders (which I don't think I've gotten around to talking about the LBW's approach).
I want to make sure that I'm not misunderstood and sound as if I'm saying it's fine to be intimate with a cheating spouse (regardless of the gender). IMHO, physical cheating defiles the marital bed, and the cheater needs to do more than just show up for sex, if a healthy reconciliation is in the near future. The fact that he returns to his separate bedroom after having sex with you........must feel like the biggest slap in your face. So, I am earnestly asking you........what are you seeking by having sex with him, again?
I'm sorry I made a mess out of this post. I would delete it, but I've invested too much time.
Maybe I can finish it one day.
BTW, I really like that glimpse of you being all spunky.
Sandi2, thanks for your post. You asked what I am seeking by being intimate with him. Well, for one thing, although touch is not my love language necessarily, I enjoy being intimate with him and it meets my needs. When I go weeks without sex, I become irritable and grumpy. Sad but true.
Second, physical touch is his love language. He has always had a HD and I feel like I rejected him way too much before BD. I was always tired from working all day then dealing with kids and chores, so I often shrugged him off when he showed interest in sex late at night. Part of me feels like showing interest in sex when he initiates may be part of my 180. I try not to have expectations but I don't want to push him farther away by rejecting him now as I did pre-BD. Also, it may sound silly but he doesn't seem as angry when we have been intimate. Living with an angry person even when they are in the basement is extra stressful. Dealing with the marital problems is enough without adding in a huge dose of anger.
So...part of the reason I do it is selfish and the other part is probably just foolish and wishful.
The thing that I struggle with is whether I should be intimate at all with him when he goes right back to his emotional distancing in the basement right after the deed is done. For those who are still intimate with a Wayward spouse, how did you deal with that?
IMHO, when it's the wife who is wayward and is having an affair (or conducting inappropriate behavior with OM) .......the LBH should
not be intimate with her. Heck, I don't think he should even show any physical affection, b/c her waywardness is due to her lack of respect for him
as a man. WW's will often use sex to manipulate the H, or use the H as the substitute sex tool while she fantasizes about OM. So, if
she knows that her
H knows about the OM, she will see her H wanting intimacy and affection as
weakness. It doesn't make her think
more of the LBH.....it builds the wall of disrespect even higher. The only thing a WW respects is
strength. If her H wants to be intimate with her, knowing she has betrayed him and currently cheating........she will see him as being weak and see herself as being in a position of power, so to speak. It's unhealthy, and hard to recover from that level of disrespect. The goal of the LBH should be to,
first, get his W's RESPECT for him as a
man, before he engages in physical affection with her. Just b/c she offers it, doesn't mean rip! She is simply using him. I know that some men will read this and laugh, maybe joke with the other guys that they aren't going to turn down sex. But that's the thing........the WW manipulates him
through sex, and if he can't turn her away when she is horribly betraying him, then she will see him as a pathetic excuse for a man. Even though some LBH's on the board may suggest it's okay just as long as they have no
expectation...... I shake my head and think, HA! LBH's are fooling themselves. Don't have sex with someone who detests you.........especially if it is your WW.
Once the WW ends her affair and stops all contact with the OM and agrees to her H's conditions regarding reconciliation.........THEN he can have sex with her. I
want to believe the same can be said about either spouse who has cheated, but realistically, I just think it's easier to get a wayward H back, than a WW.......b/c it isn't easy for a husband to get back lost respect. It's certainly not impossible, and that's why I try to share what I've learned from the WW side of the street. If there has been no infidelity, then I think it is a lot easier for a LBW to draw her H back, due to how men are wired.
It's a little complicated for me to put into words, but I believe men & women think & respond differently, b/c their makeup is not the same. Yes, they may see eye-to-eye, like the same things, and share the same moral and spiritual beliefs, etc..........but I'm not referring to those
type of things. I mean how they respond to emotional type of things. Like, men may hear the same scenario as a woman, but they will respond differently due to how they are wired. They are two different creatures/beings. Certain behavior in men will stimulate a positive, even
desirable response in women. However, it won't necessarily be the
same actions/behavior that brings positive/desirable responses from men. Make sense? In order for a wife to feel desire for her husband, she has to feel respect for him as a man. (That's a little something God put in the woman after man messed up a good thing in the garden. ;)) I'm not saying it's not important for the H to respect the W, but I don't think it has the impact on his sexual love/desire, to the degree it has on the W. After marriage, traditionally, the H is placed as the leader over his family. Traditionally, he is the main provider and protector over his family. It's like he is the president and the W is vice-president. Even if they agree about most everything, if there is a disagreement, someone has to have the final say. If the W habitually calls the shots, then she will eventually lose respect for the H, and that will affect her level of desire. You see, the W has to accept that he is the president in their house, and whenever she tries to change that order.......there will be issues. I don't want anyone having a heart attack when they read this post.....or misunderstand what I'm trying to say about the W respecting her H. (This is why I said it's complicated for me to put into words.)
During the life span of the woman, she will have high drive, low drive, and no drive. I have read that men are capable of departmentalizing everything in their life, and sex happens to be one of those things. IMHO, it's very different for most women, b/c our emotions/feelings are attached to
everything.......and it is never more obvious than when it comes to making love. For example, it's difficult for a wife to have sex when she can hear her small child in the next room, (it's even worse if the child is not so small and might hear the parents having sex). All the while her H is telling her to relax, the kids are fine......yada, yada. See what I mean? They are different creatures. If there is a problem between the H & W, he'll want to have sex to make up, while she needs to make up in order to desire sex.
(Oh me..........how did I get way over on this track? This is not exactly answering your question.)
If your primary love language is physical touch, then it seems logical that you desire to have that intimacy with your H. There is nothing wrong with you experiencing that need, b/c you still love him. But if you desire the physical connection b/c your self esteem is suffering and you want him to show that he still cares for you, or show some level of kindness, validation, admiration, tenderness, or whatever.........then I would have to wonder how healthy it could be for you. Someone else on the board might be more helpful. I admit I have too much pride when it comes to being intimate..........and I
was the wayward in my MR. You and I come from opposite sides, so it is somewhat difficult for me to emotionally feel how a spouse wants to be intimate when their sorry spouse has been cheating.......and when their spouse has voluntarily moved out of the MBR. If there is another woman in the picture, then I couldn't. I have told some LB Wives to not withhold sex, when cheating was
not involved. That's why I went into such a lengthen attempt to explain how I see the different approach with genders (which I don't think I've gotten around to talking about the LBW's approach).
I want to make sure that I'm not misunderstood and sound as if I'm saying it's fine to be intimate with a cheating spouse (regardless of the gender). IMHO, physical cheating defiles the marital bed, and the cheater needs to do more than just show up for sex, if a healthy reconciliation is in the near future. The fact that he returns to his separate bedroom after having sex with you........must feel like the biggest slap in your face. So, I am earnestly asking you........what are you seeking by having sex with him, again?
I'm sorry I made a mess out of this post. I would delete it, but I've invested too much time.
Maybe I can finish it one day.
BTW, I really like that glimpse of you being all spunky.
This is great! I had to sign in just so I could reply. I would love for you to make a LBW post with suggestions. Men and women are sooo different. When I was in the thick of my sitch I always questioned whether certain things applied to me as most posters are LBH. Thanks again and I love everything you post!
I don't have any advice offerings. My BD was a year and a half ago. We reconciled at the end of 2018. I haven't read your whole sitch, only the beginning and the end of this thread. The beginning sounds very similar to mine minus the infidelity.
He is also a very angry/negative person etc.
He immediately moved out post BD. We occasionally ML until I read some advice that it was definitely bad and it started making me feel worse when I did. He was angry but I was clear I would not be his friend with benefits. Probably month 4-5 post BD he started showing clear signs of more than temp checking, he asked me why I wasn't chasing him and did I still love him, do I even care anymore etc. Then one day out of the blue, mid month 5-ish, I get a text that just said "I love you!". A week later he asked to take me on a date, a week later he begged to take me on a date. I finally agreed. (I sent him a letter with all my requirements blah, blah)
Anyhow, when he asked to reconcile he stated he thought I was the reason for his unhappiness and he realized that all the problems he had were still there. That he should have loved me more, taken me on more dates. I'm just posting that there is hope. I don't think the ML changed my situation either way, idk. The grass wasn't greener.
Things are still really hard as I changed so much during that time and he is really struggling to be different. The things you mentioned such as household chores and general respect and love are still missing. Focus on you and whatever happens will be the best outcome either way.
Also, he was super annoyed and made comments throughout our separation about my GAL activities. He was really bothered that I didn't sit at home and actually started having a life outside of my house chores and kids.
I don't have any advice offerings. My BD was a year and a half ago. We reconciled at the end of 2018. I haven't read your whole sitch, only the beginning and the end of this thread. The beginning sounds very similar to mine minus the infidelity.
He is also a very angry/negative person etc.
He immediately moved out post BD. We occasionally ML until I read some advice that it was definitely bad and it started making me feel worse when I did. He was angry but I was clear I would not be his friend with benefits. Probably month 4-5 post BD he started showing clear signs of more than temp checking, he asked me why I wasn't chasing him and did I still love him, do I even care anymore etc. Then one day out of the blue, mid month 5-ish, I get a text that just said "I love you!". A week later he asked to take me on a date, a week later he begged to take me on a date. I finally agreed. (I sent him a letter with all my requirements blah, blah)
Anyhow, when he asked to reconcile he stated he thought I was the reason for his unhappiness and he realized that all the problems he had were still there. That he should have loved me more, taken me on more dates. I'm just posting that there is hope. I don't think the ML changed my situation either way, idk. The grass wasn't greener.
Things are still really hard as I changed so much during that time and he is really struggling to be different. The things you mentioned such as household chores and general respect and love are still missing. Focus on you and whatever happens will be the best outcome either way.
Also, he was super annoyed and made comments throughout our separation about my GAL activities. He was really bothered that I didn't sit at home and actually started having a life outside of my house chores and kids.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It is always good to read about folks who were able to get through this. I am just doing my best not to get back on H's emotional roller coaster ride. He seems so confused. Some days I see a glimpse of the old H and then hours later he is right back to the new narcissistic H. Many times like this morning I have considered just throwing in the towel.
I am really fighting the urge to meet with a lawyer and just file for D at this point and it has only been 2-1/2 months past BD. I just want all this emotional pain to END...NOW!!! Those of you who have learned to patiently wait for many months or even years get a whole lot respect and admiration from me. I am starting to feel weak. I want to save my family, but I am starting to wonder if being exposed to H's staying out all night, living in the basement, going from being a very affectionate H to not showing any public affection to me in front of kids, etc. might be just as damaging as a D would be.
Lord give me strength...
I am really fighting the urge to meet with a lawyer and just file for D at this point and it has only been 2-1/2 months past BD. I just want all this emotional pain to END...NOW!!! Those of you who have learned to patiently wait for many months or even years get a whole lot respect and admiration from me. I am starting to feel weak. I want to save my family, but I am starting to wonder if being exposed to H's staying out all night, living in the basement, going from being a very affectionate H to not showing any public affection to me in front of kids, etc. might be just as damaging as a D would be.
Lord give me strength...
While my H did immediately move out after BD, I think there are pros and cons to IHS vs S. Sometimes I think being left alone is just as damaging, and I know H isn't in a mindset where he can even acknowledge or process that.
I'm also about 2.5 months after BD, and while there aren't a ton of similarities in what happened with my H and your situation, I will say, this has been an interesting exercise in patience (my biggest character weakness by far). Something that's helped me is trying to validate when I can be, and learn to be compassionate for my H. They're lost, too. It helps me also take stuff less personally. That makes the distance feel somewhat less damaging. It doesn't make me feel grand that H is also miserable during this time, but it at minimum gives some perspective.
The divorce is just a piece of paper and believe it or not, the emotional pain won't end when you've signed and dated on the dotted line. It will take some time to get your footing again.
For myself, I discovered that once the papers were signed, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders because I knew my xh couldn't threaten and or attempt to bully me any longer. But I had a lot of financial stuff that needed to be sorted out and was only given 60 days to refinance my house or put it on the market. I was very lucky that my father loaned me the money to buy him out, and in turn, I refinanced my home through the exact same mortgage company very quickly once I explained what was going on.
Don't do anything hasty when you are emotional. Sit quietly and think about what you want to do. If you are sure that you want to go ahead w/a divorce, then we will be here to support you.
My emotions are just all over the place today. Patience is not my greatest strength. This is one of the most challenging things I have dealt with. It is really a test of my faith and my fortitude.
I need to turn back to my GAL Project and keep working on getting my spunk back. Next up, making plans for Friday night. That will get my mind off all this stuff for a while. And also I need to finish up the DR book.
I understand what you are saying about your emotions. You are going to have ups and downs for a while. Let's face it, you are very new to this rollercoaster and it takes a while to detach from all of his nonsense.
I generally was not a very patient person, but through my own experience I had to learn to be patient because I wanted things to be done very, very quickly. As I traveled my own path, I had to learn patient and I soon discovered that w/patience comes answers, answers that I needed not only about my xh, my financial situation, but also about myself. I had to learn to be a better listener and not to be a fixer all of time.
Now, it's time to get back to your GAL Project. Make plans for Friday night and just enjoy yourself. You will toughen up and be able to stand up for yourself w/o your emotions dictating how you react to his nonsense...but it's going to take time. Learn to be patient and kind to yourself....you are only human and if you need to cry or punch something, find a punching bag or beat the stuffing's out of a pillow.
You've got this!
I am really fighting the urge to meet with a lawyer and just file for D at this point and it has only been 2-1/2 months past BD. I just want all this emotional pain to END...NOW!!!
Here’s is a quote from I think jack3beans, and I keep it on my personal quote book:
"when I was going through this, my mantra was
Today is not the day that I quit
Maybe I will quit tomorrow, yet I will wait to see what tomorrow brings
Then repeat that tomorrow”
And another thing that drives me insane is when he comes in, after being MIA overnight, and is all jolly, smiling and laughing. That is beyond irritating. I guess whatever he was doing while out must have been quite exhilarating. So annoying. Meanwhile I am here trying to hold it together, keep the house running and make sure the kids are doing well. What a jerk.
I am really fighting the urge to meet with a lawyer and just file for D at this point and it has only been 2-1/2 months past BD. I just want all this emotional pain to END...NOW!!!
Here’s is a quote from I think jack3beans, and I keep it on my personal quote book:
"when I was going through this, my mantra was
Today is not the day that I quit
Maybe I will quit tomorrow, yet I will wait to see what tomorrow brings
Then repeat that tomorrow”
Great quote. Thanks for sharing!
I understand what you are saying about your emotions. You are going to have ups and downs for a while. Let's face it, you are very new to this rollercoaster and it takes a while to detach from all of his nonsense.
I generally was not a very patient person, but through my own experience I had to learn to be patient because I wanted things to be done very, very quickly. As I traveled my own path, I had to learn patient and I soon discovered that w/patience comes answers, answers that I needed not only about my xh, my financial situation, but also about myself. I had to learn to be a better listener and not to be a fixer all of time.
Now, it's time to get back to your GAL Project. Make plans for Friday night and just enjoy yourself. You will toughen up and be able to stand up for yourself w/o your emotions dictating how you react to his nonsense...but it's going to take time. Learn to be patient and kind to yourself....you are only human and if you need to cry or punch something, find a punching bag or beat the stuffing's out of a pillow.
You've got this!
A punching bag would do me some good right now!!! I am so frustrated and angry this evening. *Inhale, exhale* *counting to ten slowly*
I am feeling frustrated and angry this evening too, HesAble. Let’s try to focus our minds on anything else and hope tomorrow will be a little bit better!
I am feeling frustrated and angry this evening too, HesAble. Let’s try to focus our minds on anything else and hope tomorrow will be a little bit better!
Happy Friday! Cardinal, thanks much for the encouragement. I am feeling better this a.m. Hope you are too.
This is just all so unbelievable. Just months ago, life was "normal" (not perfect but normal) and now my world has been flipped upside down by a Mad Man whose moods range from super happy to super sad/angry. I don't like either version of this Mad Man and just want my old H back. I know I may never see that person again and that is what makes this tough as well.
HesAble, I was reading this last night and wanted to give you words of encouragement like cardinal did. But I couldn't muster it with out tearing up. I was having a rough day yesterday. It wasn't an anger day. It was more like hopelessness about the marriage and H. Honestly other than good days I prefer anger because I can swallow that or use it to motivate me. Tears I can't seem to hold back or use to push through. I'm having a better day too and I'm learning this stuff is like a 12 step program, everything is one day at a time. The unfortunate part is that one day in this place feels like an eternity.
I feel exactly the way you do. Beginning of October we were in the Caribbean loving each other and our lives. And now I have no idea which version of him I'm getting on what day. And now he says he wants to move out but set the date for April. I'd give anything for that old husband and some balance back in our lives.
HesAble, I was reading this last night and wanted to give you words of encouragement like cardinal did. But I couldn't muster it with out tearing up. I was having a rough day yesterday. It wasn't an anger day. It was more like hopelessness about the marriage and H. Honestly other than good days I prefer anger because I can swallow that or use it to motivate me. Tears I can't seem to hold back or use to push through. I'm having a better day too and I'm learning this stuff is like a 12 step program, everything is one day at a time. The unfortunate part is that one day in this place feels like an eternity.
I feel exactly the way you do. Beginning of October we were in the Caribbean loving each other and our lives. And now I have no idea which version of him I'm getting on what day. And now he says he wants to move out but set the date for April. I'd give anything for that old husband and some balance back in our lives.
Hang in there. You are right - one bad day in this nightmare can feel like an eternity. I am just trying to focus hard on my kids, 180ing and GALing, but some days are just so emotional that I absolutely cannot do anything but have a pity party. On angry days, I want to shout and scream at H, "Snap out it, you narcissistic jerk!"
The holidays were rough, particularly New Year's, and I can only imagine what Valentine's Day and our anniversary will be like. I am probably going to go ahead and book some weekend trips for me and the kids. H will not be extended an invitation, not that he even wants one. He would rather be at home so he can hang out all night until 7 a.m. It just outrages me!
Tonight I spent some quality time with the kids. H is missing out on so much bonding time with his children
In just 4-1/2 years, D13 will likely be going off to college or moving out to pursue some other venture.
H stays out until late most nights (and many times he is out all night). I truly believe there is some OW but I do not have proof. When H comes in (if he comes home at all), he usually spends 10 minutes or less (usually less) with the kids, then he goes straight to the basement where he hides out until the next morning.
What upsets me most is that I feel like he is tormenting me to force me to agree to the divorce he wants. Has he ever loved me or was it all an act?
I am praying for strength to deal with this long term because it is very difficult to see now how I will be able to endure the emotional turmoil. Spending some time this evening to read some more of my DR book.
Many of you say getting off the emotional roller coaster ride is a CHOICE. Well, I keep choosing to get off only to find myself right back on. I have an appointment with my IC this week. Hopefully I can talk through some of this with her. I am really so grateful for this board where I can come to vent when I need to.
H stayed out all night for the third night this week. I really do need to go see a lawyer. This is starting to seem like a hopeless situation.
If I am honest, another thing I am battling with is the urge to go out and find myself an OM. Partly because I am lonely and hurt but also partly because I feel like it would help me move on faster. I know, I know...It would just result in more pain eventually and would not be a smart move. I am a very spiritual person and know adultery is wrong, so it is driving me crazy that these kinds of thoughts are tormenting me, but this is my safe place to be honest so I am putting what I am feeling out there.
I am so sorry that he's still out at night...it's hard to determine if he's out w/his buddies or w/OW. We can't assume anything, but can you smell alcohol on him or his clothes? Any other strange odors on the clothes, i.e., perfume? Does he have difficulty looking you in the eye when he sees you or acts guilty around you?
Many of them are cowards and won't leave on their own, but they don't have an issue pushing our buttons to make us angry enough that we put them out. Maybe he is trying to push your buttons and bait you into an argument.
Please take some time and make a list of questions that you want to ask a lawyer. It does not hurt to find out what your options are. If you aren't ready to file, don't allow the lawyer to push you into doing so.
I wouldn't recommend bringing a third party into the mix right now. The thing is, if you go out and start dating and if your h is doing it, he will think it is okay to continue doing what he is doing if there is an OW in the picture. Best to wait until the separation/divorce papers are filed and only then, you are sure you want to go through w/a divorce. I know you are lonely, but you can always have several friends get together and go out as a group.
Yes, this is your safe place to come vent and ponder things and hopefully doing so will help you clear your head.
I am so sorry that he's still out at night...it's hard to determine if he's out w/his buddies or w/OW. We can't assume anything, but can you smell alcohol on him or his clothes? Any other strange odors on the clothes, i.e., perfume? Does he have difficulty looking you in the eye when he sees you or acts guilty around you?
Many of them are cowards and won't leave on their own, but they don't have an issue pushing our buttons to make us angry enough that we put them out. Maybe he is trying to push your buttons and bait you into an argument.
He is absolutely one of the biggest cowards I have ever met. He gave me the DB by text. He could not even tell me to my face.
He has difficulty looking me in the eye when he sees me and acts very guilty. That has improved a little but there have definitely been mornings when he came in and tried to avoid me. Often he comes in so late in the morning that I have already left for work or to take kids to an extracurricular activity; therefore, many times I dont have an opportunity to see if he smells like alcohol or perfume. The few times I have smelled him, there was some alcohol on his breath and he was wearing lots of cologne, but I could not smell perfume.
Oh, yeah he's guilty all right of something. It might be because of the drinking and staying out late, but I would continue to observe him. When they can't look at you, that is guilty and shame and they know that they've done something wrong. Just like kids do something wrong and can't look at mom when she walks in the room.
I'm not the least bit surprised by the BD being done by text. They are just plain cowards.
How I finally confirmed that there was a third party in my marriage were the receipts I found in his clothes as well as cleaning out his car one day. I happened to be cleaning out his car one day and there was this McDonald's bag punched up on the floor board with $200 in it and there were receipts for something purchased from CVS and several Christmas cards, a stuffed Rudolph Reindeer and some cheap jewelry from the local department store. Dumb me, threw the receipts away and when I told my mother about it...she said did those out of your trash and save them and go to CVS to find out what he purchased. Well, I knew the staff at the local CVS and I had no problem asking them what that one item was...the person looked at me and said...you don't know what this is? I said no...it was for some new condoms that had come on the market. Well, that just did it for me. I kept those receipts and just waited for the proper time to confront him about them and I did several weeks ago when he came to the residence for his black trash bag luggage.
Well, my story began long before I found DB, but I seriously doubt that my outcome would have been any different after I became a member here. DB provided me with the tools to make me a better person and how to become a survivor and that is why I am still here today...attempting to pay it forward so that others do not make the same mistakes that I did so long ago.
Just praying now that hate does not fill my heart because there will be no love left to reconcile if it ever becomes possible. Seems pretty hopeless right now. Walking by faith not by sight .
I just had to leave the room where my kids are because I broke down crying while on the phone with a friend. She was telling me to stop demeaning myself for H's bad behavior. I was saying how terrible my judgment must be to have chosen this broken, damaged person to be my H. (I did not say this in front of the kids. I was outside of the house initially while they were inside eating, plus we have code words so they cannot figure out what we are saying). I was just walking back into the house when she told me to stop and that this is about him, not me. I had to leave the room but my daughter followed me and is now sitting outside the bathroom while I weep quietly while typing this.
Lord help me! I am really ready today to ask H to just pack his things and leave. Wherever he spends nights maybe he can live there!!!! After he moves, we can begin the divorce process. Someone please talk me off the ledge.
You are human and we have days when they appear to be too much. Your judgment must not have been all that bad because you are still married and have children w/him. Look, you were happy at one time and now because he's acting out, you can only see the dark side of things. You have to really step back, feel your pain and let it go. You are hurt, disappointed and most of all angry at the moment. Don't make any decisions when you are feeling this way. Make decisions when your emotions are not all over the place. You do not want to say or do anything that you will regret later.
You may end up having to ask him to leave...but if you do, do it in a very calm voice. When my xh was threatening to leave me several times and finally one Sunday he said he was thinking of leaving right after Christmas, my comment at that moment was "whatever". I had to sleep on the next step and work a full time job the next day before I implemented the next step. I grew very tired of his behavior and the threats. So, when I got home that Monday, his lazy self was on the sofa watching TV, dirty dishes all over the kitchen and that did it for me. I told him I needed to talk to him about his comment the day before. The man had forgotten what he said...so, I said that if you want to leave you can go now and not wait until after Christmas. He sat there and cried like a baby and told me he was confused. I walked away and didn't discuss it again w/him. He finally left two weeks later and the tension in my house was gone. Of course, all of this took place before coming here. I spoke to him in a very calm manner and had full eye contact w/him when I opened the door to his cage for freedom and he had to make the decision to either stay or go. Just sharing a bit of my story because people need to understand that when you've had enough, you will know it.
Each person will know when they have had enough. Please, please, do not make any decisions when your emotions are fluctuating. Make your decisions when you are in a calmer place. Trust me, you will be glad you did so.
Hang in there. We are here for you.
Job, thanks for the reminder. I should not be making life-altering decisions I may regret later while feeling so emotional. I just feel at this point that H does not even deserve reconciliation (if that ever becomes a possibility); he deserves to run head first into the wall he is headed for so he can realize all he has lost. But...my kids deserve an intact family, so I will fight to hold out for them as long as I can. That way, I will not feel the guilt of having given up too soon for their sake (or having broken my vows without giving it my best fight). Sigh. The saga continues. Thanks job.
Today the H-sleeping-in-the-same-house-but-coming-and-going-as-he-pleases thing is wearing on me. I am trying to consider the pros to having him here in spite of his terrible behavior (e.g., coparenting is easier when living in the same home, the kids are somewhat sheltered from how serious our problems are, he can see my 180ing changes more regularly, it gives the opportunity for some intimacy although I do not view it as anything more than meeting needs at this point). I am also feeling tormented due to the cons (e.g., I have a front row seat to see his comings and goings when he stays out all night and sometimes does not come home until late morning/early afternoon, I find myself anxious because his staying out is completely random and I wonder which nights he will be in or out, also home arrival times are random, 3 a.m., 5 a.m., 7 a.m., 8 a.m., 11 a.m., 1 p.m.).
I am starting to wonder if, for my sanity, it may be best for him to find another place if he needs to continue his erratic, unpredictable schedule for staying out. Am I hurting chances for reconciliation by suggesting this to him? I dont want it to appear as an ultimatum and I still hope we can reconcile at some point. It is as if he expected me to shift from wife to platonic roommate overnight after BD and, unfortunately, love does not work that way. He had time to let his feelings dissipate since he claims his wanting a D was not an overnight decision.
Hi HesAble,
Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and totally get how hard this all must be. I would offer a few thoughts/suggestions for you to take or leave:
-- For me, the wondering is harder than the knowing. Can you put yourself in the situation of him basically being gone all the time? Would that be better or worse?
-- I think you had mentioned an IC appointment this week... dealing with the cons above, he/she may have some suggestions for you to help deal with your anxiety when he is out. I just feel like THAT is a big part of the issue-- how you can manage your anxiety whether he is in the house or not. If it is going to be significantly easier for you to get that together and detach if he's out of the picture, then that seems like the right choice. If you think you can stop worrying about it no matter where he is, then maybe no need to be the one to make him leave.
-- If you were reading about this exact same sitch on someone else's thread, what would your advice be to them?
-- the kids thing is the big kicker for me and, I think, what is keeping me from booting my H out the door. What would it take for you to be OK with telling them down the line at some point that you feel comfortable with yourself that you did everything you could to give them what they deserve and gave it your best fight? Can you imagine that conversation with your kids in a few years? Or, what would you advise to someone else in your sitch in terms of being able to lose the guilt about not trying hard enough for them? What is the line he cannot cross?
-- just like you have thought through the pros and cons of having him stay despite his behavior, can you think through the pros and cons of asking him to leave? What does that look like once he is out? Can you visualize it? What would be different/better? What would be worse? Sometimes I think really picturing it and thinking through all the ins and outs of how it would work might help take away some of the fear of that option. (I'm working on this too.)
-- what other positive things you can do to take back your power? The IC and seeing a lawyer to figure out your rights both seem terrific. Other things to protect yourself ?
-- if nothing else, can you ask him to stick to some sort of schedule so that you can GAL on your own? Or say to him hey H, can you watch the kids xxx night starting at 7 pm (or whatever)? Have you tried that?
I am definitely of the opinion that these decisions are best made once you can clear some of the emotion out of it. I know it is super hard and easier said than done. My H called me today to go over schedules and is tentatively planning his next trip to the AP's city in mid-Feb. He knows this is going to be a watershed for me, as in he's probably moving to the basement when he gets back from it unless I can be convinced she's out of the picture by then (unlikely)... and yet in the same conversation put dates on my calendar for friends to visit in April who "are probably staying in the basement." I get it and feel all those same emotions and anxieties you're dealing with, the struggle to be sure you're living up to your own values and doing the right things by the kids when he's just NOT, how do you take back power and respect without booting his a$$ to the curb. But, the last thing you want is to regret the decisions you're making now once your head is clearer.
Hang in there.
Thanks, may22. You raise some very good and thought-provoking questions. My big kicker is the kids too and I am trying super hard to put them at the forefront of my decision-making even though H is not, but some days doing this is harder than others. I pray, try to be hopeful and then he never fails in finding a way to chip away at my hope daily.
In terms of pros and cons of asking him to leave. Well, the biggest con is the guilt/regret I would likely feel having suggested that he leave when it was not his idea (he thinks we could divorce and he continue living in the basement - idiot!); this goes back to the kids. Another con would be finances; although I would like to think that he would provide some financial support to the kids, it would not be in the same amount he contributes now. Next con would be having to tell family and friends about the separation which would make it even more real and painful. A pro would be not feeling anxious about each time he leaves home, not knowing if he will be back in 1 hour, 10 hours or 24 hours. Another pro would be feeling like I took some power and control back; dealing with all this disrespect is starting to make me feel like a doormat.
I do think I need to ask him to commit to watch the kids on x night starting at x time for sure.
I am thinking about the other questions. Thanks for helping me switch my perspective. I am so emotional. Today I am just fed up, annoyed and tired of coming home to H's BS.
Hi, HesAble. I know this anxiety well, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it. On our end, it is so difficult to go from wife to platonic roommate, as you say, pretty much overnight. I know I'm not alone in cycling through extreme sadness, anger, hurt, etc. in trying to adjust to that on my end. It has been seven months for me now since BD, and that feels like a lot of time and no time at all. Over that time, I've been able to slowly detach from his erratic schedule. A work in progress. Slowly I have been able to become more and more of a neutral observer of H's comings and goings, and my anxiety has lessened, which is not to say it is never there; it just used to be a lot more overwhelming. I believe this can happen for you too.
Is it possible to observe your feelings without acting on them? To vent here, to talk to your IC about these feelings and about ways to manage the anxiety when it comes? I ask these questions with your pros in mind:
A pro would be not feeling anxious about each time he leaves home, not knowing if he will be back in 1 hour, 10 hours or 24 hours. Another pro would be feeling like I took some power and control back; dealing with all this disrespect is starting to make me feel like a doormat.
Could both of these pros be achieved on your own, regardless of H's absence or presence? Could working on managing your anxiety and recentering the focus on you and your children, rather than alien H, in fact help you feel you are taking some power and control back?
Cardinal, thank you. You are so right - I could work on trying to achieve the pros in my current circumstances. It has only been a little over 2 months since BD for me and it feels like an eternity. I feel like it is hard to focus on GAL when alien H is constantly distracting me with his nonsense.
Also part of me wants to get revenge and telling him he can no longer do what he planned (stay in the basement) would give me some satisfaction. Well, only temporarily so this is stupid thinking, I know. It's just that he seems to be oblivious to the pain and damage he is causing. I want him to feel some consequences NOW.
I am inspired by your 7 months. I will try to hang in there. Thanks for your encouragement.
We are just shy of 2 months since bomb drop and he says he wants to move but not until April. I can't tell you how relieving it was that he picked a date to go. Trust me. I want my husband. Well not this one but one kinda like the old one. And my marriage. Also not this one. But I'm so much more stable and able to deal with his BS when he's gone. Honestly him disappearing for hours upon hours is a relief to me at this point. It's hearing those keys in the door that causes my anxiety to rise. Same thing like last night. Home, being helpful dad and pleasant roommate. That's what makes my blood pressure rise and forces me to act positive and calm to cover all the garbage in my head. I think about an OM everyday. Granted in my situation there is a very evident OW. But I know it will solve nothing except maybe the serious lack of friction in my sheets since all this started, which was about a month before BD.
You need to start planning how you'd survive with out him. Things you need to do if he weren't there. If the income wasn't there. Granted you'd get a separation order for sure to help you out. The best thing I've done for myself is act AS IF he's leaving and never coming back. I won't be solvent when he says he's ready to go. But I'm working on being able to cover that gap if he does go and won't help. Making moves to survive his exit is a time and mind suck. It is definitely focusing on you and the kids. And if you get to the point where you have to be the bad guy for your mental health and emotional well being and tell him he's gotta go or you will at least you'll be ready and have teeth behind that threat.
I am starting to wonder if, for my sanity, it may be best for him to find another place if he needs to continue his erratic, unpredictable schedule for staying out.
Even those of us who didn't want to separate found it a blessing once we did. It's a tough adjustment at first because you do feel very lonely, especially the first time your kids stay with your spouse. But you get used to it and you'll find your stress levels go way down when you're not having to deal with the alien all the time, and when you don't feel like you have to constantly walk on eggshells.
Am I hurting chances for reconciliation by suggesting this to him?
No, at this point the recon chances are so far down the road that there's not much you can do right now to help or hurt them.
Hesable, my H still comes and goes and our house is basically just his storage unit where he puts his stuff at the moment. I had many back and forth feelings about whether to kick him out entirely or keeping the status quote before also. In my situation it was mostly because our kids didn’t know about what’s happening yet and we didn’t want to rock the boat. But I honestly had a lot of fear, like you, that if I asked him to move out, that’d be the end of our M.
Things are different now, unfortunately the kids know. But at the same time I was able to talk to them and explain why daddy is not sleeping here at night. That took a huge weight off my shoulders. As to H still coming and going- either he’s not ready to really leave or he’s cake-eating or whatever...I’m cutting him some slack. I know he’s not enjoying his life that much right now.
I want to point out that just because your H is staying out late, seemingly having the time of his life right now...doesn’t necessarily mean that he is enjoying it. Try to take the focus off of his behavior. Stop looking at the clock and wondering when he’s coming home. I would not even ask him to commit x time to watch the kids if you don’t have to. The whole premise is that he is already irresponsible, and for you to set that expectation for him and yourself doesn’t seem to help the situation. Are you going to be even more resentful if he doesn’t follow through and choose to stay out all night when he agreed to watch the kids? Are you going to use that ammunition to carry out your thoughts of kicking him out?
I ask my H to take out the trash on his way out. That’s about as much I can expect of him right now....lol. I’ve also asked my H to watch the kids regularly at x time and he was keeping his word until he didn’t.
The kids is the tricky part. Before they found out I’ve suggested to my H that we should sit them down and let them know that mommy and daddy are trying to figure things out. But H did not want to. Have your kids ask any questions about daddy’s behavior?
We are just shy of 2 months since bomb drop and he says he wants to move but not until April. I can't tell you how relieving it was that he picked a date to go. Trust me. I want my husband. Well not this one but one kinda like the old one. And my marriage. Also not this one. But I'm so much more stable and able to deal with his BS when he's gone. Honestly him disappearing for hours upon hours is a relief to me at this point. It's hearing those keys in the door that causes my anxiety to rise. Same thing like last night. Home, being helpful dad and pleasant roommate. That's what makes my blood pressure rise and forces me to act positive and calm to cover all the garbage in my head. I think about an OM everyday. Granted in my situation there is a very evident OW. But I know it will solve nothing except maybe the serious lack of friction in my sheets since all this started, which was about a month before BD.
You need to start planning how you'd survive with out him. Things you need to do if he weren't there. If the income wasn't there. Granted you'd get a separation order for sure to help you out. The best thing I've done for myself is act AS IF he's leaving and never coming back. I won't be solvent when he says he's ready to go. But I'm working on being able to cover that gap if he does go and won't help. Making moves to survive his exit is a time and mind suck. It is definitely focusing on you and the kids. And if you get to the point where you have to be the bad guy for your mental health and emotional well being and tell him he's gotta go or you will at least you'll be ready and have teeth behind that threat.
Yes, an OM comes to my mind daily but I know finding one would simply add to our problems.
I am trying to prepare financially for his exit - putting away some money in an emergency fund each paycheck. I also need to come up with a budget plan for doing things solo - some expenses will need to be reduced.
Am I hurting chances for reconciliation by suggesting this to him?
No, at this point the recon chances are so far down the road that there's not much you can do right now to help or hurt them.
This is the most disheartening part of this nightmare - that the end is so uncertain and, even if there is a possibility of recon, it is likely far away. It helps knowing that things will get a little less intense emotionally though. What gets me most is how H can show me glimpses of his old self on some days and then, without notice, shift right back into his angry alien mode.
Hesable, my H still comes and goes and our house is basically just his storage unit where he puts his stuff at the moment. I had many back and forth feelings about whether to kick him out entirely or keeping the status quote before also. In my situation it was mostly because our kids didn’t know about what’s happening yet and we didn’t want to rock the boat. But I honestly had a lot of fear, like you, that if I asked him to move out, that’d be the end of our M.
Things are different now, unfortunately the kids know. But at the same time I was able to talk to them and explain why daddy is not sleeping here at night. That took a huge weight off my shoulders. As to H still coming and going- either he’s not ready to really leave or he’s cake-eating or whatever...I’m cutting him some slack. I know he’s not enjoying his life that much right now.
I want to point out that just because your H is staying out late, seemingly having the time of his life right now...doesn’t necessarily mean that he is enjoying it. Try to take the focus off of his behavior. Stop looking at the clock and wondering when he’s coming home. I would not even ask him to commit x time to watch the kids if you don’t have to. The whole premise is that he is already irresponsible, and for you to set that expectation for him and yourself doesn’t seem to help the situation. Are you going to be even more resentful if he doesn’t follow through and choose to stay out all night when he agreed to watch the kids? Are you going to use that ammunition to carry out your thoughts of kicking him out?
I ask my H to take out the trash on his way out. That’s about as much I can expect of him right now....lol. I’ve also asked my H to watch the kids regularly at x time and he was keeping his word until he didn’t.
The kids is the tricky part. Before they found out I’ve suggested to my H that we should sit them down and let them know that mommy and daddy are trying to figure things out. But H did not want to. Have your kids ask any questions about daddy’s behavior?
My kids know something is odd but only the younger child has been asking questions like "Where's dad?" I refuse to lie so I tell the truth: a simple "I don't know." I think my son who is older observes and internalizes a lot, but is not asking questions because he is trying to put things together himself without asking. This is just his introverted personality.
I think you are right about lowering expectations for getting help with kids and chores. He didn't help much even pre-BD so what makes me think he will step up in this state? If I don't lower expectations, I am just setting myself up for more anger and frustration. I need no expectations in this area and if he does do something on his own, then great. He has been helping some with the kids and I appreciate it, but there are times he stays out and texts that he won't be around to help that morning or evening because he won't be at home (sometimes there is no text warning, just a no-show).
What gets me most is how H can show me glimpses of his old self on some days and then, without notice, shift right back into his angry alien mode.
YES!!!! My XW would slip into her old self now and then, it gave me hope that she was trying to fight her way back out past the alien. But over time I saw the "old her" less and less until she completely vanished. It was maybe 3 years post-D before I started seeing glimpses of the old her again. She came back little-by-little, but never completely (at least not yet?) I'd say she's about 50% of her old self now.
What gets me most is how H can show me glimpses of his old self on some days and then, without notice, shift right back into his angry alien mode.
YES!!!! My XW would slip into her old self now and then, it gave me hope that she was trying to fight her way back out past the alien. But over time I saw the "old her" less and less until she completely vanished. It was maybe 3 years post-D before I started seeing glimpses of the old her again. She came back little-by-little, but never completely (at least not yet?) I'd say she's about 50% of her old self now.
Oh my goodness, that is so disheartening. I really miss the old H! I guess that is why this is like grief for me - missing someone who may never be back. So heartbreaking!
I am still working on trying to assume H will not be coming home each time he leaves (or to get so busy GALing that I ignore his comings and going altogether), but it is not easy. Anxiety grips me each time I hear the front door open and the alarm chime, then the door close and eventually his car crank and drive away. Those sounds are what my nightmare is made of right now. I pray this gets easier. Trusting those of you who say it will.
Met with my IC who has recommended that I tell H when he is doing something I like/miss to encourage more of it (e.g., when I see bits of his old self peeking through the veil of the MLC alien). I am still reading the DR book but I am thinking this goes against DB rules. It seems that praising his good behavior will bring on rebellion like it does for an unruly teenager (it is so uncool for mommy to actually like what I am doing so I will either try never do this thing she likes again or I will go do something I know she absolutely hates to ensure her she does not have any control over my behavior).
This is exhausting...
Hi HesAble,
Rather than explicitly praising his good behavior, maybe there are other, more subtle ways to reinforce, like smiling at him, engaging with him, etc. Have you read the 7 Principles? Not saying this was good or bad from a DB (or eventual outcome) perspective, but the two things I changed in my own behavior last spring after DB1 when my H was a total and complete a**hole all day long and resentment basically rolled off him in waves every time we were in the same room was to start paying attention to his bids and validating. If he would talk to me nicely or ask me something, I would put down what I was doing and listen and validate rather than do it with half my attention and point out the flaws. If he complained about something stupid like how I loaded the DW, instead of getting angry back and fueling the fire I just validated-- I see how that would be frustrating. Those simple changes with a little bit of time really changed our interactions and the funny, fun, not-angry-all-the-time H came back.
Course, he's still not in love with me and all that
and my H hasn't gone quite as far off the deep end in terms of his behaviors at home as yours-- but as long as you are subtle about it, can keep a happy attitude and just be nice and responsive (and validating) when you do see the old H peeking out, it might help without seeming like you're being his mom and still giving him the space he desires.
You're strong. Don't let him drag you down.
Thanks for that feedback, May 22. I am not sure I have been giving my full attention when the old H is peeking out so I will definitely work on that. I spend so much time and energy trying to ignore the crazy antics of the "MLC Alien H" that it will likely be hard to switch back and forth. I will be more conscious of this though (and I will smile more).
Am I the only one who hates weekends now? H goes out more on the weekend and, because I do not work on the weekends, I am home more to see his bad behavior more. I am trying to GAL on weekends and my kids' sports activities keep me busy, but I am truly a homebody who used to actually enjoy the comforts of being at home with a great book, blanket and hot cup of tea. I know I sound like an old woman! LOL.
Now I don't like to be at home much so weekends (especially 3 day weekends like this one) are torture. Even though H stays out most of the week, a knot forms in my stomach due to anxiety about when he will return or leave again.
I've been struggling with that too. I'm a homebody. So at first going out all weekend was killing me. This is going to sound so stupid but please bear with me. I saw a psychic and she said it's my home. I know I want to be there. He doesn't that's his problem. She "saw" that I had stopped cooking. I love cooking but cooking to me means love so I stopped after BD. She said get back in that kitchen and cook, listen to YOUR music. Sing, dance. Fill that space with you. And god was she right. I've found out GALing isn't just being out. I live in a place with a lot of snow so I've had to hunker down a couple of weekends. I plan what I'm going to do and do it. I'm going to read. I'm going to cook. I'm going to live the hell in my home and not on eggshells. The teens come in my room and lay in bed and watch movies with me if I'm not hauling them around. Last snow in I took over the main bathroom for hours to take a lovely bath with candles. I realized as I was soaking it was a big not intentional FU to the H. You wanna get ready to go see your gf better grab your crap and find a good mirror 'cause this is my bathroom right now. Also I guess you're washing up in the sink to go out. It wasn't intentionally petty. It was me refusing to not live in my own house. I make sure I go out at least 1 night. Just to prove that I have a damn life too. But honestly taking my home back really helped with detaching. Hard to care what he's doing with a glass of wine in a lavender bath.
I've been struggling with that too. I'm a homebody. So at first going out all weekend was killing me. This is going to sound so stupid but please bear with me. I saw a psychic and she said it's my home. I know I want to be there. He doesn't that's his problem. She "saw" that I had stopped cooking. I love cooking but cooking to me means love so I stopped after BD. She said get back in that kitchen and cook, listen to YOUR music. Sing, dance. Fill that space with you. And god was she right. I've found out GALing isn't just being out. I live in a place with a lot of snow so I've had to hunker down a couple of weekends. I plan what I'm going to do and do it. I'm going to read. I'm going to cook. I'm going to live the hell in my home and not on eggshells. The teens come in my room and lay in bed and watch movies with me if I'm not hauling them around. Last snow in I took over the main bathroom for hours to take a lovely bath with candles. I realized as I was soaking it was a big not intentional FU to the H. You wanna get ready to go see your gf better grab your crap and find a good mirror 'cause this is my bathroom right now. Also I guess you're washing up in the sink to go out. It wasn't intentionally petty. It was me refusing to not live in my own house. I make sure I go out at least 1 night. Just to prove that I have a damn life too. But honestly taking my home back really helped with detaching. Hard to care what he's doing with a glass of wine in a lavender bath.
Wayfarer, you ROCK. HesAble-- you can do this! (I will too!!)
YES to all of this, wayfarer! I love the way you put this. HesAble, I used to feel the way you are feeling about weekends—I would dread them because I didn’t know if H would be gone the entire time or home. I started feeling like I needed to take back my house too, just like wayfarer said. Light candles, take my time cooking or baking in the kitchen, and what you said—hot tea and a book! I have felt much better since I was able to give myself permission to do what I want in my own home, to be there as much as I want. I watch something on the couch in the living room and he carries around his iPad with headphones. Whatever. Don’t let him take away the joy you find in your home!
Whew. I’ve been having a rough week, and I don’t feel confident about much, feel like I’m going backwards in a lot of my mindset, but I do few good that I’ve been better at reclaiming my space. You can do that too. Weekends are for you!
Thank you cardinal and May!!! Playing board games with the kids tonight. They asked for him to join for one before “going out” he said no and left. He’s god knows where. And guess what We’re having a ball even though they were a lil hurt
you can do this HesAble!!
I've been struggling with that too. I'm a homebody. So at first going out all weekend was killing me. This is going to sound so stupid but please bear with me. I saw a psychic and she said it's my home. I know I want to be there. He doesn't that's his problem. She "saw" that I had stopped cooking. I love cooking but cooking to me means love so I stopped after BD. She said get back in that kitchen and cook, listen to YOUR music. Sing, dance. Fill that space with you. And god was she right. I've found out GALing isn't just being out. I live in a place with a lot of snow so I've had to hunker down a couple of weekends. I plan what I'm going to do and do it. I'm going to read. I'm going to cook. I'm going to live the hell in my home and not on eggshells. The teens come in my room and lay in bed and watch movies with me if I'm not hauling them around. Last snow in I took over the main bathroom for hours to take a lovely bath with candles. I realized as I was soaking it was a big not intentional FU to the H. You wanna get ready to go see your gf better grab your crap and find a good mirror 'cause this is my bathroom right now. Also I guess you're washing up in the sink to go out. It wasn't intentionally petty. It was me refusing to not live in my own house. I make sure I go out at least 1 night. Just to prove that I have a damn life too. But honestly taking my home back really helped with detaching. Hard to care what he's doing with a glass of wine in a lavender bath.
Wayfarer, such excellent points. GAL does not have to mean going out. Just because H HATES being home does not mean I have to! I am going to work on reclaiming my space. H has taken enough of my joy.
I got your message....I don't see any issue with the posting you are questioning. However, I'm going to remove a couple of things about him. Go back in and read it and let me know. Unfortunately, that is your first posting on the thread and I haven't been able to remove it completely, so if you want something else changed, tell me what you want posted and I'll be happy to edit the posting a bit more.
If I were you, I would go over all of my postings in that first thread and make sure you don't have any identifiers that would send up red flags for him, if he should come here.
I got your message....I don't see any issue with the posting you are questioning. However, I'm going to remove a couple of things about him. Go back in and read it and let me know. Unfortunately, that is your first posting on the thread and I haven't been able to remove it completely, so if you want something else changed, tell me what you want posted and I'll be happy to edit the posting a bit more.
If I were you, I would go over all of my postings in that first thread and make sure you don't have any identifiers that would send up red flags for him, if he should come here.
Thanks. I saw your post about including too much personal info and got a little nervous.
I thought you had gotten nervous about my posting.
I listened to a podcast on limerance. Although I have not confirmed there is an OW, H has all the behavioral characteristics of someone in limerance.
I am fed up and ready to give up. H has not been home all weekend and I have not heard from him since Friday when I left home for work. This gets so old. There is not enough DBing, GALing and 180ing in the world. I really truly admire those who have been able to stand for their marriages for many months and even years. I will keep praying for the strength to stand, but I am so frustrated and tired.
And as for being upbeat and fun around H...it is impossible to be that way 100% of the time when he is constantly pissing me off. The best I can manage is being civil and cordial 100% of the time which he truly does not deserve.
And as for being upbeat and fun around H...it is impossible to be that way 100% of the time when he is constantly pissing me off. The best I can manage is being civil and cordial 100% of the time which he truly does not deserve.
I’ve never acted upbeat and fun in front of H for him. If I happen to upbeat and fun it was because I was having fun with the kids. It feels too fake for me if I try to act that way in front of H just to show him. I do the same thing that you do, being cordial and civil. I also don’t GAL in terms of going out at night and spending time outside of the house. I can do it a few times/month but generally I rather stay home at night. I think part of this is you find what kind of DBing works for you.
I’ve been in your shoes...fed up and ready to give up. Give yourself time to determine if that is a feeling that could change, or it is a decision that you’ve arrived at after you’ve done all your thinking. Patience....hang in there.
This marriage has definitely been a crash course in learning to be patient. I am trying to think with my head not my emotions but some days are harder than others.
Hi HesAble-- I just posted on KG's thread that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger-- imagine how f-ing strong we are going to be on the back side of all of this!!
You are going through a ridiculous situation and are handling it with immense strength and composure. When you look back at this time years from now, no matter what happens, you will be proud of yourself and how you took care of your kids and your family even when your H went bonkers. (That is one of the drivers for me... what do I want to remember about myself and my own behavior years down the line?)
Here's another suggestion-- in terms of taking back your space-- are there things you can do physically to reclaim your space? something I did after the first BD is I got all new bedding for the MB, stuff *I* liked and had wanted for some time but knew he didn't really like. If he's not going to participate, do what you want in your own house. Use the DVR for your own stuff. Reorganize your kitchen to make sense for how you use it, not him. (I also gave away all my sports shirts from his teams, which might have been petty, but felt really good and I know it stung him.)
Also, I second Wooba's rec to have the upbeat/fun you show through when you're actually feeling it with your kids. Otherwise I think polite is fine. I think I was actually too focused on my H earlier on-- he said he saw me walking on eggshells and trying to keep him happy, which I think didn't help him to respect me. Now I'm happy when I feel happy and polite but distant when I don't, and can have fun with the kids and his parents when he's there but when they go to bed I close up shop. Mostly because that is how I feel, but also (more than I probably want to admit) I think it demonstrates to him that I am a fun and happy person but that I don't need him to be that way.
Thanks for always being so encouraging, may22. I am trying to hang in there. Just saw another ridiculous comment he made on a women's sleazy FB post. Ugh.
I am starting a new thread and will link to this one...
New Thread:
Stranger in My House Part 2