At the edge of the precipice (ILYBNILWY) - 08/19/19 05:42 PM
Hi all, I have been absorbing all the great information on these forums and I am finally posting about my story.
I am 32, my wife is 35, no kids, and we have been married for 12 years and our relationship was quite good the first 9 years. We were very happy. The last 3 years were not so good. 3 years ago, I started suffering from erectile dysfunction and our sex life was greatly impacted. It took me a long time to realize that I had this problem and I kept it to myself. I felt embarrassed and I kept thinking it would magically go away and that I was just going through a rut. My wife started believing that I was no longer attracted to her and became very suspicious of me. If I didn't return a phone call or a text, she would get quite angry and give me the silent treatment.
A few times she called me out and accused me of having an affair, and asked me why I was no longer interested in her. I told her the truth: that I was still attracted to her, loved her, and would never cheat on her. What I didn't tell her was that the problem was a physical one for me (the erectile dysfunction). In hindsight, this was my big mistake, and it was one of pride: I just felt too embarrassed to admit that I was suffering from this and to talk about it openly to my spouse.
Over the course of 3 years, this eroded our relationship and I noticed her pulling away slowly. She talked less and less, never initiated physical contact, simple hugs, kisses, and basic affection went missing. This hurt me, and a few weeks ago I finally confronted her about it and I finally admitted to her that I had ED. She told me that I should have revealed this years ago, that she was suffering tremendously, but now it was too late and she dropped the ILYBNILWY. She told me maybe we should separate.
I was shocked, hurt, tried to convince and beg her to give the relationship another shot. I urged her to reconsider, told her I would visit a doctor and was willing to go to couples therapy or counseling. I told her I understood that she no longer loved me but that those feelings would come back over time if she was willing to try. She expressed that she doesn't believe those feelings can come back and, although she didn't say it outright, I can tell she doesn't want to try and repair the relationship, or to see any kind of therapist/counselor. She is ready to separate.
The current situation: We are still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed, but there is zero emotional connection now. Our conversations are short and very neutral. We are on "good terms", but she barely says hello to me and never asks any questions about my thoughts or feelings. She has stopped wearing her wedding ring for at least a few weeks now. I still wear mine. There is no physical interaction, not even a touch. I have stopped trying to initiate anything, I don't want to be pushy or appear needy. I have been applying Sandi's rules religiously for about 2 weeks.
I want things to work out and to repair this, but I feel like it is doomed.
GAL is not a problem for me, I exercise daily and have many hobbies/activities/friends.
I have also started detaching: after a lot of pain and sleepless nights, I have come to accept that I am not in control of her and that if she wants to leave, and feels her happiness is elsewhere, I must respect that.
I am open to any feedback on what I should do next. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. And, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I truly appreciate it.
I am 32, my wife is 35, no kids, and we have been married for 12 years and our relationship was quite good the first 9 years. We were very happy. The last 3 years were not so good. 3 years ago, I started suffering from erectile dysfunction and our sex life was greatly impacted. It took me a long time to realize that I had this problem and I kept it to myself. I felt embarrassed and I kept thinking it would magically go away and that I was just going through a rut. My wife started believing that I was no longer attracted to her and became very suspicious of me. If I didn't return a phone call or a text, she would get quite angry and give me the silent treatment.
A few times she called me out and accused me of having an affair, and asked me why I was no longer interested in her. I told her the truth: that I was still attracted to her, loved her, and would never cheat on her. What I didn't tell her was that the problem was a physical one for me (the erectile dysfunction). In hindsight, this was my big mistake, and it was one of pride: I just felt too embarrassed to admit that I was suffering from this and to talk about it openly to my spouse.
Over the course of 3 years, this eroded our relationship and I noticed her pulling away slowly. She talked less and less, never initiated physical contact, simple hugs, kisses, and basic affection went missing. This hurt me, and a few weeks ago I finally confronted her about it and I finally admitted to her that I had ED. She told me that I should have revealed this years ago, that she was suffering tremendously, but now it was too late and she dropped the ILYBNILWY. She told me maybe we should separate.
I was shocked, hurt, tried to convince and beg her to give the relationship another shot. I urged her to reconsider, told her I would visit a doctor and was willing to go to couples therapy or counseling. I told her I understood that she no longer loved me but that those feelings would come back over time if she was willing to try. She expressed that she doesn't believe those feelings can come back and, although she didn't say it outright, I can tell she doesn't want to try and repair the relationship, or to see any kind of therapist/counselor. She is ready to separate.
The current situation: We are still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed, but there is zero emotional connection now. Our conversations are short and very neutral. We are on "good terms", but she barely says hello to me and never asks any questions about my thoughts or feelings. She has stopped wearing her wedding ring for at least a few weeks now. I still wear mine. There is no physical interaction, not even a touch. I have stopped trying to initiate anything, I don't want to be pushy or appear needy. I have been applying Sandi's rules religiously for about 2 weeks.
I want things to work out and to repair this, but I feel like it is doomed.
GAL is not a problem for me, I exercise daily and have many hobbies/activities/friends.
I have also started detaching: after a lot of pain and sleepless nights, I have come to accept that I am not in control of her and that if she wants to leave, and feels her happiness is elsewhere, I must respect that.
I am open to any feedback on what I should do next. I'm hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. And, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I truly appreciate it.