So the sitch between us is generally that she doesn't show signs of stepping up her game in terms of being a housewife (she works p/t BTW)
Ah, well that may explain the IHS. Has she tried to get you to finance her a place to live? Don't agree to anything without first checking with a lawyer.
(I used to moan a lot about the state of the house and she's said its one of things she cant get over (I know this gives her a very easy out to do F-all!)). We do get on so much better because of this, but the fact she still wants to D suggests if she isn't still in contact with the OM (she's sworn on the boys lives she isn't FWIW) he's still in her thoughts. Maybe not but that's my gut feel. Do I assume she is still messaging him and behave accordingly or something else?
Sadly, a WW will swear on her kids lives or her mother's grace, etc......but it's lie & deceive. That's her mantra while she is wayward and contacting any man who is not related to her.
Consider something. Are you really getting along better as a result of you dropping the complaining about her crappy housekeeping........or is b/c you have pretty much let her do whatever the heck she wants, basically releasing her of any wifely and motherly duties? I strongly suggest the latter. Your suspicious feelings that OM is still in her head is closer to the truth than you may realize. I spoke yesterday about how this becomes an addiction. (If you'll research PEA's it will explain the science behind it.) Just as with any other addiction, if she quits she will experience a sense of withdrawal. Every time she gets some type of contact with OM (written, orally, photo, social media, indirectly/directly) it acts as a "hit" and it cancels out any ground covered when she was going through withdrawals. I know it sounds crazy. I had never heard about it, until I came to the board. I certainly went through the withdrawals, myself.
Until your WW shows remorse, or at the least, presents authentic desire to get help in reconciliation......I think you need to assume she still has a wayward mindset. Even if she's pulled back on her previous inappropriate behavior, she's still thinking like a wayward. How do I know? You are still living IHS, right? Has she ever gone to you and expressed how wrong she was and how sorry she was for the pain and mistrust she's caused? If not, then I would assume her feelings have not changed. She only works part time, so she has a lot of time on her hands (which is not used in house keeping). With so many modern apps available these days, it would be pretty remarkable if she stopped cold turkey without any help from some type of information that gave guidance & encouragement. Most times, the WW has to experience the downfall of any fantasies she holds about getting a D and living the single life. Reality can be a tough teacher, but effective. Another reason for not serving a steady diet of cake to the WW.
My question is if I stop (for example) making her a coffee when I have one or going to the beach with her and the boys or going in the hot tub with her or similar, she's going to notice (yes I know that is the point) and ask why I'm being off with her. Why have you stopped making me a coffee, or spending time with your sons and I, or why do you refuse to help me when I ask for your help? How do I answer that question? I sure cant say "because you're still messaging the OM" because I'll get "you're paranoid, its in the past, you need to get over this" etc. In other words, surely there has to be some justification for the "tough love"? Do I still treat her as wayward even though she now says she isn't?
You can't just go by what she says, nor by just what she does. Her attitude, words, and actions must harmonize, in order for you to believe she is sincere about not being wayward. She has to get her heart right and have a sweet & respectful behavior toward her H. I'm afraid you have barely seen the tip of what's really going on, but that's not to say it can't change. If I thought otherwise, I would not be spending my Saturday talking to a LBH.
The WW can be quick with comeback words. Just understand that tough love from her H was justified the second she stepped over the line and started communicating with men in that fashion. You are not required to justify to her why you are changing how you respond or handle the situation that now exists in the MR, thanks to her bad choices. Look, she knows, okay? Nobody knows any better than the WW that she deserves to be kicked out on her rear. (I'm not telling you to kick her out.) I'm just saying that she knows she is wrong. In her heart, she knows the truth. She knows she has and still continues to be deceitful.
To answer your question about making her a coffee.........do you make one cup at a time? If you make a pot full at a time, then continue doing it. That's not to mean you should carry her a cup a coffee, unless she does personal things for you. If she does, then don't make a big deal about carrying her a cup. I wouldn't like serve her a cup of coffee in bed, since she's sleeping in a separate bedroom, but that's just my opinion. If she asks why you stopped, then simply say, "I haven't received a copy of the ground rules for IHS". You could say something safer, like, "I don't think spoiling comes under IHS". Don't say it with an angry tone, nor say it jokingly. Use a stoic face and tone of voice. Will it pi$$ her off? Probably, but anything that doesn't serve her sense of entitlement will do the same. I don't think you should go out of your way to serve her, nor go out of your way to make her mad. I just think people who have a sense of entitlement, or as I like to call them.....spoiled, believe you SHOULD go out of your way to serve them. Whether you spoiled her willingly or she pressured it, you can stop doing it. When something is spoiled, it stinks!
If she throws your sons in your face when you aren't spending time around the house or with her, then tell her not to worry about how you spend your time or your relationship with the boys. Don't say it in a rude manner, but say it firmly enough she knows to lay off that type of manipulation. That's what it is, you know. You are so used to it that you can already anticipate some of her reactions.
If she is arrogant enough to ever tell you that you "need to get over it", then tell her that nothing would give you more relief than to see her making amends and the two of you working to put the MR on the road to recovery. Again, say it firmly but in a calm, confident and respectful tone. Don't be self-righteous, but don't let her get off by sounding as if the problem lies with
you. She's done nothing that I've seen that looks like a WW who wants to do the right thing. She has controlled you all these years, and she wants to continue controlling. As long as she can manipulate you with her crafty use of words, she won't respect you. You don't have to accuse her of messaging the OM. Just learn to say reply to her needless questions in a way that gives her the message you are not stupid, and you won't accept a sorry excuse for a wife. (Well, not in those exact words.) Remember what I said about staying balanced in your thoughts and how you see yourself approaching her. I don't know how you hear my written words, but don't bite back at her just b/c she asks why you didn't bring her a cup of coffee. Find the middle ground, while you are learning a new way. Don't jump off into the deep end today. Learn to swim a little bit, first. Most of all, don't let her trap you into a relationship discussion, b/c you aren't ready for it. When you say something, keep moving.
To specifically answer your question, if she said she did want to communicate with him, meet up, have sex with him, whatever then there would be no 'us', I would be done. Maybe this is why she wouldn't tell me if she was? She has apologised about the messaging, that it was stupid, she regrets it, it was just a thrill etc etc. I probably should have busted her balls (metaphorically speaking grin) more than I did. Apologies if this sounds incredibly naïve!
It would have helped, if you'd told us this in the first post. You said she told you she wanted to try again, but you didn't say all that other stuff was included. Actually, I still don't believe her, unless there is more you haven't told. Something just doesn't ring true. She changed her mind too fast/easily, which sounds like it was a temp check originally. She still wants a divorce, and she appears to be playing games and more temp checking. What about you and not knowing if you can forgive her? See, this goes back to that push-pull syndrome you two have.
Yes, you should have busted her b@lls, I agree.
Which leads nicely on to boundaries. I've read the threads, I think I understand them. I just have no clue how to implement them. For example, she is lazy around the house. She spends to much time on her phone. I cant control that so how do I turn that into a boundary for me?
You tell me. What are you willing to tolerate and what means the most? Does an orderly house mean more, or living with her laziness? Does she even know how to organize and clean a house? Some gals don't get experience before marriage, so if the H does it for them......why learn? If she's on her phone and shopping most of the time, my guess is she doesn't want to spend her time cleaning. Would it be worth your money to pay someone to come in and clean the house? Maybe, take the money out of the house running budget to pay the cleaners. But, you said she spent lots of money, so she'll ignore a budget, unless you set up new house rules. Excuse me, I mean new financial guidelines. This would be a good time to tell her that if you two are going to be IHS then some financial guidelines need to be observed. After all, she wants to be on her own, yet she's living there while you finance everything. What about equality? She should pay for half, don't you think?
When setting boundaries, you have to think in terms of protecting
you......not so much about controlling the other person. As for consequences for her not honoring your boundaries, it has to be something that comes as the result of dishonoring your boundary and the protecting action you took. In other words, the objective is not you punishing her, but enforcing protection for your feelings, moral standards, etc. For instance, if your boundary was "I will not stay in an open MR", and she would not stop an affair.....then you would divorce to protect yourself from the destruction of an open M. Maybe she would feel the sting of the action you took, maybe she wouldn't. The point is that you decided you would not live that way, so you took action to protect yourself. She had to deal with the results of your action. Make sense?
You know what is most important to your happiness and peace of mind. You have values and principles by which you live your life. I think that's where you have to start. Knowing what you absolutely cannot tolerate in your life, and what you will do to protect yourself from the pain, aggravation, contempt, unrest, or whatever feelings are experienced from that type of situation. It's similar to property boundaries. We don't let just let someone come on our property and start causing damage to our home or land. We have laws in place to protect us, but we have to take action. Make sense?
The thing about your sitch that concerns me is how you both want what appears to be unavailable at the time. Funny how that works with people, don't you agree? If she approached you today, wanting to reconcile, how would you feel this time? Would you take her at face value, or have some conditions you needed to see? I'm just asking, b/c I think you need to think deeply about it.
Between being spoiled to no responsibilities and the addiction to cell phones, I am greatly concerned not only for your family, but for many others who need to wake up and see the breakdown this is causing in MR's and families. My first question would be if she was not made to do any chores when she was growing up (spoiled by her parents), and if you didn't know how lazy she was until after you M her? Did you contribute to spoiling her after M, or is she just selfish, lazy, & entitled (which are usually the results of spoiling). Sorry, I just don't have much empathy for healthy women who sit around all day on their phones and let everything else slide. Just wondered when this started. 
) more than I did. Apologies if this sounds incredibly naïve!
Here's the thing. You should not have to "explain" to your WW or your boys that you have to apply tough love, or explain the definition of it. Just do the action. They don't have to like it. The offender or guilty party doesn't get to cherry pick what type of consequences that have to face.