Back agai - 06/21/19 03:53 AM
I was here years ago after my first husband cheated on me for a year and a half and I finally figured it out. Once I found out the marriage was over. There was no chance of saving it. I thought I was going to kill myself. It was a very dark time for me but I found myself again and like a phoenix rising from the ashes I felt reborn and found a new lease on life. I was happy and started dating and GAL!!!!. I was able to keep my home and a stable environment for my daughter (she was 2 at that time). I felt so happy and independent. It was amazing. Then I met the man whom I am currently with. It was fantastic in the beginning. He is older and I guess it was attractive to me. He seemed to have his [censored] together. He too had been through a rough ride. He lost his son at birth and his marriage of 9yrs was unable to survive that loss. He still had a friendly relationship with his ex. I saw no red flags with him. Our sex life was healthy and we had fun together. He was great with my daughter and he seemed to love being around us both. He did things to make my daughter feel comfortable. Eventually when I would stay over at his place on weekends she would come to and he set up his spare room with Dora sheets and blanket and bought some things so that she would feel comfortable. 5mo into the relationship I became pregnant. It was not a happy surprise for me. I felt ashamed and stupid and I wanted to terminate the pregnancy. He did a lot of trying to convince me to go through with it. I was afraid that the relationship was too new and though he may feel happy now, that it could change. I went through it once with my first marriage and I didn’t want to go through it a second time. He said he would respect what ever decision I made but did say it would be difficult to continue a relationship if I decided to terminate. Given his history and the fact that he lost his chance at a family with the death of his son I didn’t think I could live with myself if I made a conscious choice to not have the baby. I had always wanted 2 children and I thought I had lost that chance with the failure of my first marriage. Needless to say I took a leap of faith and went ahead with the pregnancy. I gave birth to the most amazing little boy. He healed me, my family who were still broken from the heart break of my first marriage, my new partner-who now had the son that he was denied before, my daughter who now had a brother. My son is the most loving, sensitive child and so happy. I smile just to think of him. Life was great. H made all kinds of promises that he would still be attracted to me and our sex life would not suffer-I had many discussions with him because I had fear about it due to my previous relationship. Sex definitely dwindled during the pregnancy and I blame myself for that. I was tired and didn’t feel very desirable. After my son it was still a struggle but not on my part. There was a shift with my partner. He changed. He felt uncomfortable and worried about kids coming in. He became tired all the time and never initiated anything. In the beginning if I addressed it he would say he would try and at times things did get a little better but they would slowly decline back. When I had my son H moved in with me into my home and he sold his home. His finances were not great and so selling was his best option. My house was small and eventually he ended up switching jobs and started an IT job that was completely remote and was working from home. We did not have a proper office in the house and it became a huge issue. He convinced me that we needed to move so I eventually agreed and sold my home and bought our current house. I paid the down payment completely on my own from the sale of my house and some of my savings. He was in debt when we got together which was why he ended up selling his house and this allowed him to clear his debt but left nothing to contribute to the new home. It was a rough few years for me financially. I also got into problems with CRA because of having a child with my partner and my accountant not knowing that the rule is if you have a child you must declare common law status immediately instead of the 1yr wait period. I found myself swimming in tax bills and the government clawing back money that was given initially based on a single status. It was frustrating because it was all on me and he didn’t provide any help in this regard. He was totally supportive in the home and paid for things that needed to be fixed or get done so I don’t want to paint a negative picture but these were big stresses on me and perhaps I felt some resentment that I was constantly being affected and felt pressured by him to have to change. If we had arguments he would constantly bring up all the things that I hadn’t done as the reasons for his behaviour. When our son was born I was separated from my first marriage but not actually divorced. The separation was so difficult that when I finally got it finalized and signed by my ex I was done-mentally and financially. When my lawyer said I still had to get the actual divorce and what she would charge to do it vs. what it would cost for me to file with the court myself I decided to go cheap and just do it myself. I got lazy! I had worked so hard to get the separation signed and by my ex out of our home that I just couldn’t face any more. So H would constantly use it against me. I got the divorce done but it didn’t change anything. He would just find something else to use as an excuse. It then became the house and that he was living in the house I bought with my ex. So I sold the house. New house-I hoped it would solve the space issues and give H something that was ours and it would bring us together. No. Sex continued to suffer. Now the issues are he works from home so he never leaves the 4 walls and I can’t understand it because I get to leave everyday and go to work. He has to pick up the kids after school and that is a problem but if I suggest we put them in an after school program he doesn’t want to do that because then they are away from home for too many hours and doesn’t want to spend the money. He hates his job but can’t change jobs because he keeps changing jobs and never stays in a job for more than 5yrs so can’t get past 3wks vacation. Also his age is now apparently a factor so he feels stuck. He also doesn’t want to commute because that would be too much stress so even though he is miserable working from home he will do nothing to change it or make it better. He has stopped any activity that he previously did. When we met he used to play baseball and hockey. He has done neither now in at least 4 yrs.
So the worst part is that it has now been 1yr and 1mo since the last time we had sex. And the last time we had sex was on the very last day of our vacation to Hawaii, which I booked in hopes that it would somehow make things better. We went as a family though so I wasn’t expecting miracles with children in our hotel room. I know it was pity sex though. He probably felt bad that we hadn’t the whole vacation so felt guilty. It’s mean I shouldn’t say that but I am so frustrated. I feel like I am a good person and I gave all of myself to him and sacrificed and this is what I get. He loves our son to bits and has affection for him but will not ever give me one ounce of attention or affection. When he first moved in he would always kiss me goodbye in the morning and kiss and hug when he would get home or when I would get home but over time it has all just dwindled away. If we do kiss it is me giving him a kiss-i get nothing back and he usually turns his face away so I kiss his cheek. We have not had a passionate kiss in 5-6yrs.
It’s like I am dead to him. I am not over weight. I go to the gym. I care about my appearance and I do GAL because I was here once before. The fact that I am here again is sickening. I feel like a failure.
We argue constantly. He is horrible to my daughter now because our son is number 1. My son and daughter get along well but they are kids. They argue from time to time and my daughter is a mother hen. She watches out for her brother but she also will try to parent when she shouldn’t be. It’s an issue but H gets crazy and yells at her constantly. I feel I need to defend her because I feel he is too hard on her and he is doing it because he is defending his son against her. He struggles with not being her father and feeling she is not his kid. I know he doesn’t know how to be her step parent. We aren’t married and so we don’t even refer to each other as husband and wife and maybe this is a problem too.
We argued again this morning after my kids were arguing about buying a snack at the school tuck shop. I was letting them try to work it out and they weren’t so eventually I got angry and yelled at them but that ended in H coming down from his office and getting involved and then blaming my daughter and she started yelling and getting upset and it was just an ugly mess to start the day. I came back home after dropping the kids at school and he announced he was done. He feels we don’t have the same approach to parenting and we don’t agree on most things and he just doesn’t like me at all. He wants to be away from all of it. He has no friends anymore and even though it is not my fault it is because I make him feel guilty if he goes out so he can’t be bothered to go out. He is a musician (that was his passion) and he has told his band mates that he won’t gig anymore because they don’t have time to practice and it is too much work to gig and too stressful when they have no time to practice. He says he won’t practice on his own (he has a music room in our new house) because he feels guilty to go down to the music room in the evenings because he feels like he needs spend time with me. It’s bullshit. I never bother him if he wants to play. I also do not keep any tabs on him when he goes out. I never send a txt. He went out last week and came home at 2am. I didn’t say anything to him. But he apparently was watching his phone and clock the entire time. I am trying not to call bullshit on him but it is pretty hard and I have self respect and refuse to let any man do to me what my first husband did so it’s tough for me to acknowledge his complaints and let it go as if I am suffocating him and doing these things. I do have a problem with arguments not coming to a resolution and when he tells me to stop talking and leave him alone it’s impossible for me to do so. I am trying but it’s super tough. I don’t know how we can come to resolution if we don’t talk and have a plan to fix things.
I can’t live like this. I am patient but it’s over a year of a loveless, sexless relationship. We are room mates staying together for the sake of our children and finances I guess.
I am sorry for the novel and I have jumped all over the place. Not sure what I am wanting from this but I guess just trying to pass the time and trying to stay out of his face.
So the worst part is that it has now been 1yr and 1mo since the last time we had sex. And the last time we had sex was on the very last day of our vacation to Hawaii, which I booked in hopes that it would somehow make things better. We went as a family though so I wasn’t expecting miracles with children in our hotel room. I know it was pity sex though. He probably felt bad that we hadn’t the whole vacation so felt guilty. It’s mean I shouldn’t say that but I am so frustrated. I feel like I am a good person and I gave all of myself to him and sacrificed and this is what I get. He loves our son to bits and has affection for him but will not ever give me one ounce of attention or affection. When he first moved in he would always kiss me goodbye in the morning and kiss and hug when he would get home or when I would get home but over time it has all just dwindled away. If we do kiss it is me giving him a kiss-i get nothing back and he usually turns his face away so I kiss his cheek. We have not had a passionate kiss in 5-6yrs.
It’s like I am dead to him. I am not over weight. I go to the gym. I care about my appearance and I do GAL because I was here once before. The fact that I am here again is sickening. I feel like a failure.
We argue constantly. He is horrible to my daughter now because our son is number 1. My son and daughter get along well but they are kids. They argue from time to time and my daughter is a mother hen. She watches out for her brother but she also will try to parent when she shouldn’t be. It’s an issue but H gets crazy and yells at her constantly. I feel I need to defend her because I feel he is too hard on her and he is doing it because he is defending his son against her. He struggles with not being her father and feeling she is not his kid. I know he doesn’t know how to be her step parent. We aren’t married and so we don’t even refer to each other as husband and wife and maybe this is a problem too.
We argued again this morning after my kids were arguing about buying a snack at the school tuck shop. I was letting them try to work it out and they weren’t so eventually I got angry and yelled at them but that ended in H coming down from his office and getting involved and then blaming my daughter and she started yelling and getting upset and it was just an ugly mess to start the day. I came back home after dropping the kids at school and he announced he was done. He feels we don’t have the same approach to parenting and we don’t agree on most things and he just doesn’t like me at all. He wants to be away from all of it. He has no friends anymore and even though it is not my fault it is because I make him feel guilty if he goes out so he can’t be bothered to go out. He is a musician (that was his passion) and he has told his band mates that he won’t gig anymore because they don’t have time to practice and it is too much work to gig and too stressful when they have no time to practice. He says he won’t practice on his own (he has a music room in our new house) because he feels guilty to go down to the music room in the evenings because he feels like he needs spend time with me. It’s bullshit. I never bother him if he wants to play. I also do not keep any tabs on him when he goes out. I never send a txt. He went out last week and came home at 2am. I didn’t say anything to him. But he apparently was watching his phone and clock the entire time. I am trying not to call bullshit on him but it is pretty hard and I have self respect and refuse to let any man do to me what my first husband did so it’s tough for me to acknowledge his complaints and let it go as if I am suffocating him and doing these things. I do have a problem with arguments not coming to a resolution and when he tells me to stop talking and leave him alone it’s impossible for me to do so. I am trying but it’s super tough. I don’t know how we can come to resolution if we don’t talk and have a plan to fix things.
I can’t live like this. I am patient but it’s over a year of a loveless, sexless relationship. We are room mates staying together for the sake of our children and finances I guess.
I am sorry for the novel and I have jumped all over the place. Not sure what I am wanting from this but I guess just trying to pass the time and trying to stay out of his face.