Hello everyone, I’m new to the site and could use some guidance with my situation. It’s going to be a long post lol. I’m 30 and she’s 32. Married 6 years, together 9. No kids together (we both have kids from previous relationships). BD 6/2018, she moved out 9/2018. No OM that I know of. In 10/2018-11/2018 we tried talking and going out again but she went cold on me and said she was too angry at me and just couldn’t be with me ever again. In this time I was needy and most likely chased her away. In 11/2018 I filed for divorce and in end of 12/2018 it was finalized. No contact with each other since 11/2018 (other then a few divorce topics in 12/2018). In 12/2018 after divorce was finalized she texted me saying she was sorry and would only remember the good times of our marriage and she felt sad that she gave up etc etc. I didn’t respond. It was a rough time for me but I got through it and felt like I got over her. (When I think about her/the past it doesn’t provoke any feelings of sadness or anger anymore).
Fast forward to last month (5/2019) she texted me asking me if I wanted to buy the house that she got in the divorce (we had two houses together, each kept one). I simply responded “Thank you but I’m not interested”. A few days later she texted me to ask me a construction related question (that’s what I do for a living). I answered the question and told her to take care. A week later she texted me saying she had to get the dog operated on, and she was worried about the dog being ok. I said that I hope that everything turns out ok and to take care. Very short, to the point texts.
Last week, things changed. She texted me to ask me a car question, I answered it (a few hours later), then I immediately received long paragraph responses from her, saying how bad she felt about the divorce, she will regret it forever, she never meant to hurt me, she still misses me/thinks about me all the time. That I deserve the best, and she was too stupid to realize that before. Then she said, take care, and I love you so much (“loving nickname she used to call me”). An hour later I simply responded thank you and take care also.
She immediately said “If we tried again, things would be different this time. I’ve had so much time to reflect and I know I was wrong, and I still love you. We could get married again”. I was in shock and after two hours I said “ what would be different this time?” And she went into detail about issues we had etc. She said she wanted to see me that day, I told her I’d think about it in a few days. She was texting me more frequently but I kept my responses short and to the point.
Two days ago we met up at a restaurant, and honestly it felt great. We caught up like old friends, talking about the kids etc etc, kept it light and fun. Some flirting on her part, I tried to keep it more “friendly” but towards the end I flirted a little also. When we left the restaurant, I said goodbye and she said let’s sit in my car for a few minutes, I agreed. We joked and talked more, and when she turned the ac on she kept her hand on my leg for a few seconds (leg was near ac controls). I told her it was late and I had to leave. She asked if she could hug me, I said ok. She climbed over into my seat and sat on my lap and hugged me for a while. Then we made out and things started ramping up so I said I had to go. She got into her seat, kissed me again, and we left. An hour later she thanked me for coming and said she hadn’t felt that happy in a long time. I just said, you’re welcome, and have a good night.
Yesterday she texted me and I didn’t respond right away and she said “are you still going to talk to me?” I said hi how are you etc and ignored the question, and we texted briefly. She said something about she would love to take the kids to Florida (where I’m going) and I feel as though she said that hoping I’d say “sure we should all go sometime” (in the past I would definitely have said that. She said she wants to meet up again next week when I come back from my trip this weekend. I told her I’d let her know if I could.
I’m scared to start having feelings for her and get rejected again. I feel like this is dangerous in a way. I really got hurt in 10-11/2018 when we tried again, she was very “on/off”. (One day she wanted to be with me next day no etc). If we could have a healthy marriage and rebuild our family I definitely would. She’s been in therapy and I believe she’s changing. I just feel like she’s coming on very strong, all of a sudden she wants to be in contact every day and it feels like too much too soon for mes. How should I go about this? Is it possible she’s playing with me? Thank you for reading this novel lol!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
^^^^ Gentlemen I think all of us LBH need to pay serious attention to the dynamics of this story and how to respond like this in the game of distance and pursuit. JS6199 I am terribly sorry that you had to have your heart broken and your life toyed with by someone eleses hot and cold emotions. But I admire your strength, fortitude throughout the whole scenario. Whether you realize it or not, I think you have a clear understanding of how to handle yourself when someone rejects you, how you can potentially be emotionally manipulated, and putting up boundaries right away rather than later.
What your worth is as s man, and what direction you need to take for yourself when things aren't working. I applause you. The bigger questions are: 1.) Is she worth it? 2.) Is she sincere and remorseful 3.) How hard is she willing to work to earn your trust and R the relationship? You are absolutely right. "You have to think about it." Take all the time you need.
Just, thanks for posting. This is why we try to tell LBSs here that D isn't the end. This can always happen. Obviously you need to tread lightly here. She sounds a bit like "thrill of the chase" type. Read the distance pursuit thread. Also it sounds like the reality of the dating world has kind of smacked her in the face.
Can you give us more details about what happened last fall?
Run!!!!!!! Don't look back! This gal is playing oldest tricks in the book. She's just using you, and she'll hurt you again, so leave her alone. I saw the minute she baited her hook. Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't want your advice on anything, that's just her excuse to get her foot in the door.
Oh, and all the hot making out.......was her way of checking to see if she could still get you interested. If so, then sex is the tool she'll use to draw you back again. It's sex......not love. Don't confuse the two. And, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. Be very suspicious of why she seems so eager to start putting sexual moves on you.
You have no children with her. You got over her (rather quickly) and was fine. You just need to cool down and back away. Don't talk to her and clear your head.
Thank you all for taking the time to read my story, and thank you for the responses.
The bigger questions are: 1.) Is she worth it? 2.) Is she sincere and remorseful 3.) How hard is she willing to work to earn your trust and R the relationship? You are absolutely right. "You have to think about it." Take all the time you need.
To me, she is worth it. I do feel as though she is sincere and remorseful. She said that she wants to earn my trust and for us to have a healthy relationship and rebuild our family. She is very proud, and everything she said to me is not like her. I feel like she is different in a way.
Can you give us more details about what happened last fall?
She said she was confused about leaving me and wanted us to try to reconnect to see how she felt. I was far too needy and she could tell I was desperate. When I would pursue she would run, and I basically pursued her to the point of no return and she said she didn’t want anything to do with me. She was very hot/cold at this time, if I hung back she would pursue me but every time she did that I would pursue much more and I ruined it.
Run!!!!!!! Don't look back! This gal is playing oldest tricks in the book. She's just using you, and she'll hurt you again, so leave her alone. I saw the minute she baited her hook. Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't want your advice on anything, that's just her excuse to get her foot in the door.
Oh, and all the hot making out.......was her way of checking to see if she could still get you interested. If so, then sex is the tool she'll use to draw you back again. It's sex......not love. Don't confuse the two. And, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. Be very suspicious of why she seems so eager to start putting sexual moves on you.
You have no children with her. You got over her (rather quickly) and was fine. You just need to cool down and back away. Don't talk to her and clear your head.
I am concerned about this posibility of her playing and me getting hurt. I don’t see how she could use me? She makes much more money then I do, if she wants sex, she is very attractive and wouldn’t have a problem finding that. She cannot become pregnant ever again (had tubes tied/cut/burned and ovaries removed due to past medical condition. I know her original texts were to get her foot in the door, she is too proud to just randomly text that she wants to try again.
So what should my next move be? Should I ever initiate contact? (I haven’t yet, not once). Any other tips to try to know what her intentions are? Thanks!
This has potential....but she’s moving way too fast. No making out. Take time to decide what you want. There is no rush and if she truly wants you she will wait.
So what should my next move be? Should I ever initiate contact? (I haven’t yet, not once). Any other tips to try to know what her intentions are? Thanks!
First of all what do you want?
To be with her or not?
Have you read the pursuit and distance?
Because as you distance she is pursuing.
If you pursue, she will likely distance, or stop pursuit.
Its all not healthy that is for sure.
I don't think you should just automatically run. You don't know of any OM. There could be one, but maybe there isn't. It's not guaranteed. It could have been the "seven year itch." Take it VERY slow though. It seems like youu've done everything right to get to where you are. Continue to do what's right for you.
I've read an reread your original post. Why did she move out in the first place? What were her reasons?
Be true to yourself and go slow.
Hello all, sorry for the very delayed reply. To give an update, we've been texting/talking much more and met up again. Last monday when I was at the airport she called and we talked for quite a while. She seems sincere. She tears up/cries when she talks about our marriage and what went wrong. She says she still loves me and misses me. She seems like she regrets us divorcing. On Thursday, she came over, we went for a walk, talked a lot, and ended up having sex (it's been over a year since the last time we had sex). It was great and not awkward or uncomfortable at all. I know it was too soon but it happened. She said "I love you" when she was leaving but I didn't respond.
First of all what do you want?
To be with her or not?
Have you read the pursuit and distance?
Because as you distance she is pursuing.
If you pursue, she will likely distance, or stop pursuit.
Its all not healthy that is for sure.
If she has truly changed, I do want to be with her. I did read the pursuit and distance post multiple times and I understand it. She initiates 90% of the contact we have (this is a huge 180 for me). I used to chase her, and she is used to being chased (she is very attractive). This is quite a change for her since she is now chasing me. It surprises me because its not really like her to do that.
I've read an reread your original post. Why did she move out in the first place? What were her reasons?
Be true to yourself and go slow.
We fought a lot, she would go out quite frequently and it started getting uncomfortable for me. I was insecure and needy. She has been in therapy and seems like she's changed, she doesn't go out at all anymore. Getting over the divorce has improved my self-esteem and insecurities since I've learned I am perfectly happy by myself and don't need her or anyone.
I feel as though she has been "testing me", giving little hints to see how I would respond. For example, yesterday she said "What time do you get off work? I'm going to take the kids to the mall tonight". Old/needy/insecure me would have said "4PM, do you want me to come?" (and she knows that would have been my response). But I answered "Not sure, have fun". Earlier in the day she asked me "When can I take you out for fish tacos?" (A place she told me about the other night). Old me "Whenever you want just let me know". I answered "I should be able to one night next week, I'll let you know". I honestly feel as though she can see the changes in me and that's what she likes. She hated that I was so clingy and insecure. I hated it too. I really like the new me.
My opinion is that she thought the single life would be way better then her married life and now she realizes that its not true and that she took it for granted. I know how this works, if we were to reconcile, after a while she may very well go back to her old ways.
For my own well-being (which is all I care about at the moment) I am distancing my feelings. If she never contacts me again, I'm fine. Deep down, I love her, but I don't want to get close and get hurt. For now, I plan to keep letting her initiate the contact and keep my distance emotionally. I really felt like we bonded the other night but I don't want to get hurt.
Hey JS, that's a pretty fast turnaround on her part but it does happen, so it may very well be genuine. Just try not to rush back into an R with her. Normally as part of DB'ing we talk about listening and validating and not sharing your feelings with the WAS, but when you work towards piecing then that all changes. You can and should share your feelings with her. And if I'm hearing you right, your feelings are that you're concerned about opening your heart to her and having her shut down and leave again. Those are completely legitimate feelings! So tell her that. Tell her you want to take your time easing back into this. Keep her at arm's length for a while. Good luck!
Js, keep DBing! Don't give up on your hard earned changes, and better attitude and outlook on all of this. Remember, she has to earn her way back. And remember, you are a worthy of more than what you got last time! Be an alpha.......
Its amazing that you have a second chance with your W. However, tread with caution. I feel that you having sex is fine. However, its only fine if you dont assign any emotions to it. As others have stated, your W could be trying to manipulate you with sex. Unfortunately, women can be known to manipulate with sex.
Have you set any boundaries for yourself regarding the rekindling of this R? If not, I suggest you do. You seem very level headed. You essentially did what I did and moved on very quickly. However, in my situation, my EXWW filed and I didnt, although I was planning on it.
What are your expectations regarding the new R? Have you communicated these expectations to your EXW?
Again its great that your R has a chance of being restored. Just make sure you have very clear boundaries and expectations for the both of you. I would suggest to read the five love languages book. That may help you navigate your new R.
Thank you all for the replies! I have shared my concerns with her about me getting hurt again, and I was satisfied with her response, that last time was too soon, and we were both angry at each other. At that time she showed no affection towards me at all. She has said she loves me a few times but I haven’t said it back. I do love her but I’m not ready to say it.
We have been in contact more, every morning she texts me good morning and then she calls me while I’m driving to work and we chat for 30min to 1hr. We keep it light, no R talks, some flirting on both ends, and we both really enjoy it. She makes plans and wants to see me often. Most likely tomorrow night we will meet up again. I have only seen her once a week so far, and that is me turning down plans (she invites me more frequently).
I don’t assign any emotions to the sex. I really enjoy it but I know that this might all turn out bad so I keep my distance emotionally. We have both shared our expectations of an R and we both share the fear of ending up how we were. We both see the changes that the other has made and is currently making. She has said that she currently isn’t ready for a relationship yet, I feel the same way.
I am wary, but I still don’t see what would be her motive for manipulating me. Like I said before, she makes more money than I do. She is very attractive and wouldn’t have any problem finding another man for sex. I am cautious of her having another motive or playing with me, but I just don’t see what she would get out of it? She seems genuine and I’ve never known her to be a liar. She is extremely proud and for her to tell me everything she did when we first started talking again, is a huge step for her.
My fear is that I will begin to move too fast. I don’t know if the daily contact is too fast at this point. We both feel good about it, and she is definitely doing the pursuing here.
I know that I have a chance to make this work and rebuild our family. I don’t want to mess this up again. Thank you all for the input and help!
If she is truly 'all-in', has made the required changes/growth then she will give you all the time that you need.
Good for you in not being needy!! That was a great 180!! Women really don't like that at all, and I've found that only dysfunctional men do! lol
We have both shared our expectations of an R and we both share the fear of ending up how we were. We both see the changes that the other has made and is currently making. She has said that she currently isn’t ready for a relationship yet, I feel the same way.
OK good, sounds like you are both on board with taking things slow. Perfect.
I am wary, but I still don’t see what would be her motive for manipulating me.
I agree, it doesn't sound like it. What you've described sounds consistent with a WAS doing a 180.
My fear is that I will begin to move too fast. I don’t know if the daily contact is too fast at this point. We both feel good about it, and she is definitely doing the pursuing here.
Play it by ear. Read up on the "pursuer/ distancer dynamic". Learn the signals. If she starts distancing at all then immediately pull back.
I know that I have a chance to make this work and rebuild our family. I don’t want to mess this up again. Thank you all for the input and help!
I think you are doing great, seriously. Too many LBS's throw the door open for the WAS and don't make them do the work to earn them back. You are not making that mistake. Well done!
Hi JS,
Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.
Have your read "Divorce Remedy"?
My advise, Make her work really hard to win you back. You are the prize. "people want what the can't have" Do not make this easy for her.
Come up with your list of "nonnegotiables".
Please, keep posting here. There are wise people here that can help guide you through this. There are "newbies" that could use your wisdom.
97Hope, thank you, it sometimes still is a struggle to not be needy, it was my instinct for so long, but now I've learned to catch myself and correct before acting that way. It is not healthy/attractive at all, that is for sure.
AS, thank you for your comments. I am watching and if I see that she distances herself, I will pull back for sure. "The dance" is very important here.
Ready2Change and AS (again). The part about making her work for it/me being the prize/etc, this is a point I need help with. If you could provide an example I would really appreciate it. I just want to make sure I have the right idea about this. Is me keeping my distance/not pursuing enough? Or is there more here?
Well, I have another update on my sitch.. Wednesday morning, we had our daily phone call in them morning. After that, no contact all day from either of us. I was supposed to let her know if I got off early so that we could meet up but honestly forgot to text her. Yesterday morning (Thursday), she sent me a text "Good morning" then 5 minutes later "If i don't text you, then you won't text me :-(" I replied "good morning, how are you?" and we texted for a little while (I didn't respond to the second text at all but nothing else was said about it). I told her I was off early that day if she wanted to meet up that night. She said yes, and said "I can come over to finish watching the movie" I said sure that's fine, see you at xx). She came over, brought some food that she cooked, and we ate and watched the movie. After that, we had sex. She stayed for another hour in bed talking, then she left. This morning we texted (good morning, how are you etc), and out of the blue she said "Are you sure that you are changing? I am afraid we will end up like we were before" I responded "I wonder the same about you, only time will tell". She said yes you are right and sent me a kiss emoji. We texted a little bit more about weather etc and that was it.
I may be paranoid, but I am starting to suspect something and could use your opinions. Is she only interested in me for sex? If this is the case, it's fine by me, we both enjoy it and I haven't attached feelings to the sex. When we first started talking again, I asked her what her intentions were, if she wanted to be FWB or wanted to try for a serious relationship. She said she has never liked the idea of FWB and that she wouldn't have sex with somebody unless she has feelings for them (this convo was before we had sex again). We have met up 3 times since we started talking. First night kissed outside of restaurant, second time she picked me up, we went to walk at a park, then came back to my house (had sex), Last night she came directly to my house. I almost asked her today if she just wanted to be FWB or if she wanted more, but I stopped myself as I didn't want to offend her or make it awkward.
The next time we meet up, should I suggest an actual date (restaurant, mall etc, someplace other then my house)? I just want to know where this is going. FWB is fine, no emotions. But if this is headed in a serious direction (which I would prefer) then I want to be prepared. I am confused about this, and it's been on my mind a lot. I don't know how to see what her intentions are. Thank you again for taking the time to read my sitch.
This gal is playing oldest tricks in the book. She's just using you, and she'll hurt you again, so leave her alone. I saw the minute she baited her hook. Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't want your advice on anything, that's just her excuse to get her foot in the door.
Oh, and all the hot making out.......was her way of checking to see if she could still get you interested. If so, then sex is the tool she'll use to draw you back again. It's sex......not love. Don't confuse the two. And, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. Be very suspicious of why she seems so eager to start putting sexual moves on you.
Sandi posted this to you. She is the wisest person posting to you.
Ready2Change and AS (again). The part about making her work for it/me being the prize/etc, this is a point I need help with. If you could provide an example I would really appreciate it.
Woman:"Will you buy me a drink?"
Beta guy "Sure"
That guy is not making her work for it.
Woman:"Will you buy me a drink?"
Single me: "Absolutely...After you buy me one."
Her response: "I like your style"
This is just a simple example. She has to work for me.
So in your case, hold your cards, close (IE listen a lot and talk little).
You had sex with her. Do not attach any meaning to it.
Make her work for it is bigger than buying drinks or sex, but we can start with that. We can compartmentalize.
IF SHE BRINGS UP your encounter.....
Let her know that you expect more in bed. Ask her to do some research in an area that YOU are interested in. Definitely make it something close to one of her boundaries. Pay attention to how she responds.
Ready2Change and AS (again). The part about making her work for it/me being the prize/etc, this is a point I need help with. If you could provide an example I would really appreciate it. I just want to make sure I have the right idea about this. Is me keeping my distance/not pursuing enough? Or is there more here?
Mainly what I mean is don't just throw the door open and let her back in too easily. There were issues that caused the breakdown in the first place and you've got to make sure you have the tools in place to deal with those issues when they come up again, because they WILL come up again. Those tools should come in the form of marriage or relationship counseling before you go too far down this road. If she's not willing then that should be a red flag to you.
out of the blue she said "Are you sure that you are changing? I am afraid we will end up like we were before" I responded "I wonder the same about you, only time will tell". She said yes you are right and sent me a kiss emoji.
Yes you should both be concerned about falling into old habits. Again that's why we're saying take it slow, and consider some counseling.
I may be paranoid, but I am starting to suspect something and could use your opinions. Is she only interested in me for sex?
It doesn't really sound like it but it's possible I suppose.
I just want to know where this is going.
Ask her. In DB'ing we say no R talks, but in piecing you've got to have R talks. Open and clear communication is your only path forward. Remember to listen and validate, but do share your feelings with her as well.
Wow - piecing really is different.
Not sure if I'll get the opportunity - going the other way right now in my sit, but I'm glad you've got the chance.
Sounds like you're doing good - keep it up!
This gal is playing oldest tricks in the book. She's just using you, and she'll hurt you again, so leave her alone. I saw the minute she baited her hook. Stop responding to her texts. She doesn't want your advice on anything, that's just her excuse to get her foot in the door.
Oh, and all the hot making out.......was her way of checking to see if she could still get you interested. If so, then sex is the tool she'll use to draw you back again. It's sex......not love. Don't confuse the two. And, do NOT have unprotected sex with her. Be very suspicious of why she seems so eager to start putting sexual moves on you.
Sandi posted this to you. She is the wisest person posting to you.
AMEN!
Js, I hope you listen to these guys. I just have a suspicion she is rushing back into this and it's sending up some big red flags when I read your writing. I can tell you are feeling relieved she is back and perhaps eager for this to work out. You really love her. It is fine to have high hopes! I think it's what you DO (actions) right now that matters more than your feelings of hope and wanting it to work. Head above heart!!! Make decisions based on logic and reason and not based on emotions right now -- this is a very different scenario than when you first met her and started dating. There is history that cannot be ignored.
I do believe that people can change. I wouldn't be here if I didn't believe that and I also would not have taken my own H back 4 years ago after his BS. However, the best way to predict someones future behavior is based on their past behaviors. It is really all we do have to go by. So my advice to you would be to not reengage in a relationship with her until she has demonstrated to you that she has changed and done some self growth and healing. The same goes for you. If not, what happens in a few weeks or months when you fall into old habits? The honeymoon phase gets shorter and shorter when the same couple reconnects. Also, there are children involved here and it would not be fair for them to be affected again.
How can you start over with her? I don't mean start over dating her or reconciling with her -- I mean can you rewind the clock and just assess her genuine interest in this and how she has changed? There are reasons it ended in D the first time and you guys missing each other is not enough for it to work. You both will need to understand those reasons and be willing to compromise and make changes -- it is really, really hard stuff! She has already demonsrrated to you that when things get hard, she gives up. .... The slower you can move now -- and continue to focus on yourself and your changes-- the better. It give you a better shot at this actually working long term and it also prepares you for handling it if it doesn't work out. You are setting the stage now for how you expect to be treated by her moving forward ....
I think we all smell smoke here and just don't want to see you get burned again ....
Blu
Have your read "Divorce Remedy"?
We need to know the answer to this question.
Most people that start here at BD and have there X come back, have went through some major person growth by that time. We do not really know how much you have changed.
Hello everyone, I know its been a few weeks (couldn't remember my password) but I wanted to give an update about whats been going on with my sitch. I have not read the divorce remedy yet but I am going to order it tonight.
We had been seeing each other about once or twice a week, and actually spent all day July 4th together with the kids. It was great. I felt that things were going well. We had some R talks and she said she felt great about everything and she felt comfortable around me and she was happy. Up until the day after July 4th, everything was fine. On July 5th (Friday), in the morning we talked briefly, and she was preparing for a camping trip with her sisters. I know there is no service out there so I expected not to hear from her. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, nothing. Tuesday morning I sent her a good morning text and she said "can i call you?" So I said sure.
She said that she didn't feel comfortable with "us" anymore and that its a stupid idea thinking we can get back together. She said she wanted to be my friend with benefits and still talk/see each other but that getting back into a relationship would never work. On the phone, I was confident and said sure I understand but I'm curious as to what made you change your mind so quick? And she said "Well my sisters were talking about what happened when we split up/divorced and i remembered everything that went on and I'm still angry about it" (She is referring to some bad fights we had, a lot of mean things were said to each other). She made a comment about how her sisters told her that she is still young and can meet someone else and why should she settle, and that her sisters were right about that. I told her I understood but I had to hang up and get back to work.
She started texting me, instigating me and it worked, and I told her I couldn't believe how she could play with me like that, and that she would never change, that she is a mean person and she broke my heart yet again. (her last comment on the phone pissed me off and i went off on her after i was instigated, I know this was wrong and didn't help but I was hurt.) She said she still loves me but maybe needs more time. I stopped responding and that was it. (this was yesterday)
Tonight she texted me and asked how I was. She asked if she could come over tonight to talk but I told her I was busy and maybe tomorrow, I'd let her know. She asked me what I thought, and I told her that if she just wants to be FWB and see each other every once and a while thats fine with me. She said "Do you think you will be okay with that? I don't want you to say later on that I'm playing with you." I said yeah thats what I would prefer, just to keep my feelings out of it. Then there was some sexual flirting between us and then some small talk and that was it.
Anyway, I know I made quite a few mistakes here. And I guess now we are just FWB. I really would like this to work out, and be something serious. But this rollercoaster ride is painful and scary for me. I tried to keep her at arms length as long as I could but when she hit me with that yesterday it really hurt, and it proves that I can't trust her to be serious about this.
I am at a loss about how to continue to get back how we were before the convos with her sisters. I can put myself in her shoes and imagine her sister's all weekend telling her what a bad idea it is, and it changed her mind. Do you all think she will cool off and when we spend time together as friends she will warm up to the idea? I guess all hope isn't lost since she still wants to see me. But we both agreed to only be FWB so I don't know if I killed any hope of more then that
Thank you all for any advice you can give!
Yes, I have some advice for you. First, order Divorce Remedy and then read the book. Second, while you are waiting for the book, read all of the links in Cadets welcome message. If you already read them, still read them again. Third, read Sandi's rules daily and actually follow them. If you don't understand why they apply to you, then just wait until after you have read the book and then ask your follow up questions. Fourth, go back and read the advice we have already given you. It doesn't appear you read our posts prior to today, so by reading them and acknowledging them, you increase your chances that people will continue to want to support you. Lastly, and most importantly, read other people's situations and try and offer them some advice and support too. Often in life we gain the most knowledge by teaching or helping others. It is also very rewarding to be a part of the community in general and why many of us stuck around. Best of luck!
Blu
Wow JS6199, sorry what looked like hope is today just back into the crazy. Take care.
IDK JS. Are you REALLY ok with FWB? Sounds to me you are hoping it will lead to something more so I think you would grow to resent it over time. It also keeps you as Plan B, IMO. So you have sex with her when she wants while she is out there looking for someone else and not “settle”. Ugh. Honestly, if I were you, I would say thanks but no thanks. Sounds like cake eating to the max. Your choice but I wonder why it is you are so willing to settle.
Js6199. Isn't it amazing how people's emotions can be so easily influenced from outside sources? Including your XW? I am personally an "all or nothing" "ride or die" kind of guy. If you can handle FWB without being attached and play it cool, then more power to ya. I just want to place emphasis on how easily a persons feelings can change including ourselves from one day to the next in these situations about what is best for ourselves and others. One day they are happy, the other day, they are chatting up with outside influences about all the wrong dynamics about previous R with friends, and are reminded objectively why things can't work and "they deserve a better love" in their life. Sometimes with outside influences, misery loves company too. People gravitate torwards like people to feel validated. This is why feelings and the heart cannot be trusted. Commitment has to overpower feelings. Feelings are fickle. Commitments come from core values and principles, and self respect. Step back. Ask yourself if this current person is good for you, commited to at least trying, and put yourself first and back on center, before the sex, before the feelings, and before the history. Right now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but right now.
Your XW seems like she is seeking validation of her sexual worth with you, from you, but her heart is not commited in it while she is still searching for her "I deserve better, never settle" The bigger question do you deserve better? Don't we all? Again "The grass is greener" effect still at play here.
We had been seeing each other about once or twice a week, and actually spent all day July 4th together with the kids. It was great. I felt that things were going well. We had some R talks and she said she felt great about everything and she felt comfortable around me and she was happy. Up until the day after July 4th, everything was fine. On July 5th (Friday), in the morning we talked briefly, and she was preparing for a camping trip with her sisters. I know there is no service out there so I expected not to hear from her. Saturday, Sunday, Monday, nothing. Tuesday morning I sent her a good morning text and she said "can i call you?" So I said sure.
She said that she didn't feel comfortable with "us" anymore and that its a stupid idea thinking we can get back together.
Well it's not like several of us didn't warn you that there were a lot of red flags flying. It's not much of a surprise given what you had been describing. Your plan of action should be to swing into full DB'ing mode. Leave her alone. Give her time and space. Do not reach out to her. If she calls/ texts/ talks then listen and validate. Be the first to end convos. Don't linger.
She said she wanted to be my friend with benefits and still talk/see each other but that getting back into a relationship would never work.
I wouldn't go there. It is just going to mess with your head. She'll never come back until she learns to miss you, and if you do the FWB thing then that will never happen. Plus her sisters will tell her she is crazy and needs to stop it, and she will, and you'll feel gutted all over again.
And she said "Well my sisters were talking about what happened when we split up/divorced and i remembered everything that went on and I'm still angry about it" (She is referring to some bad fights we had, a lot of mean things were said to each other). She made a comment about how her sisters told her that she is still young and can meet someone else and why should she settle, and that her sisters were right about that.
She will never grow until she owns her part in that. When two people fight, it's not the fault of only one of them. Her sisters are just enabling her and that's not helping her to grow.
I couldn't believe how she could play with me like that, and that she would never change, that she is a mean person and she broke my heart yet again. (her last comment on the phone pissed me off and i went off on her after i was instigated, I know this was wrong and didn't help but I was hurt.) She said she still loves me but maybe needs more time. I stopped responding and that was it. (this was yesterday)
Well you're right, you shouldn't have gone there and it didn't do any good. Time to be the alpha. She says she's done then cool, let her go. No FWB, no chatty convos. Leave her to her mess and you go about the business of being awesome.
Tonight she texted me and asked how I was. She asked if she could come over tonight to talk but I told her I was busy and maybe tomorrow, I'd let her know.
Man it always irks me to read stuff like this where the WAS calls and asks how the LBS is doing! Oh poor you, she feels so sorry for you in your pathetic, fragile state that she needs to call and make sure you're going to be OK. Quit being desperate and needy! I'm glad you didn't cave in on talking to her. Next time she asks how you are tell her fantastic and then ask her if she was calling about anything important because you're busy and need to run.
She asked me what I thought, and I told her that if she just wants to be FWB and see each other every once and a while thats fine with me.
I highly recommend you tell her you changed your mind. Quit letting her dictate all the terms of the relationship.
And I guess now we are just FWB. I really would like this to work out, and be something serious.
It never will if you go down this FWB path!
But this rollercoaster ride is painful and scary for me.
Then get off of it! "Oh but I can't because X, Y and Z" BS! You can get off that ride whenever you want. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE!
You are okay as FWB?!!? And what happens when she meets someone new and that ends? Then you spiral again?
Run to the hills. You have history, bad history, with this woman. You need to coparent ONLY and move on with your life.
"I've reconsidered. FWB doesn't work for me. We gave it a try, and in short order it went the same way it did before. That should tell us both something. Good luck in your future endeavors. I will always care about you and just want you to be happy!"
Oh, and I think you should look into IC for your impulse control and anger issues. Going off on her for being honest with you is a tad extreme.
She said that she didn't feel comfortable with "us" anymore and that its a stupid idea thinking we can get back together.
This is where validations should kick in. I like the AGREE method recommended by coach.
h:"I agree. I don't know what we were thinking"
She said she wanted to be my friend with benefits and still talk/see each other but that getting back into a relationship would never work.
I would stick to my morals.
H:FWB doesn't work for me. I think it is best if we just move on"
.....but I'm curious as to what made you change your mind so quick? And she said "Well my sisters were talking about what happened when we split up/divorced and i remembered everything that went on and I'm still angry about it" (She is referring to some bad fights we had, a lot of mean things were said to each other). She made a comment about how her sisters told her that she is still young and can meet someone else and why should she settle, and that her sisters were right about that. I told her I understood but I had to hang up and get back to work.
Asking the question got you some good Intel. I think it is better not to ask any questions. If you made the statement above, the convo would have went in a different direction.
.... and I told her I couldn't believe how she could play with me like that, and that she would never change, that she is a mean person and she broke my heart yet again.
Please do not tell her anything like this again. Listen and validate...DO NOT ARGUE or push your point of view or talk about how she hurts you.....
Tonight she texted me and asked how I was.
Your response from now on is "I am doing great." And do not respond immediately.
2 hours later: "Hey, just saw this...doing great... ttyl"
I told her that if she just wants to be FWB and see each other every once and a while thats fine with me
.Next change, H"I changed my mind about FWB. I got to go...ttyl"