I just wanted to clarify something, b/c I noticed some advice you gave another newcomer....and I think it may have come after our posts speaking about prayer. You asked me if my H prayed for me during my rebellious WW period. Yes, he prayed for me, however, he did not
get me and pray
with, or over me. I believe intercessory prayer for a rebellious, hard-hearted spouse, should be done privately. I didn't want you to misunderstand my response when you asked about it.
One of the first things the LBS must learn is not to pursue the spouse that wants out of the M or who is wayward, etc. As being a former WW, I understand how they want to feel freedom. I honestly felt as if my H was sucking up all the air whenever he came into the room. He didn't have to say anything, it was just his presence I resented. Their strong desire for freedom is why they will usually use the script of needing
space. Space = Freedom, or fairly close to it. I also believe in the H should be the primary leader for his family, including his W. However, let me explain that when a man has a rebellious, hard-hearted W or one who wants to walk away b/c he's been a bad H, or whatever.........he has to be very careful not to apply emotional pressure. She is rejecting his position of authority/leadership. I remember how almost everything my H said or did felt like pressure for me. I would immediately feel the rebellion and stubbornness rise in me. That would have especially been the case if he had tried to pray with, over me, or about me in my presence.....or even about our relationship. Yes, he could pray all he wanted in privacy, but don't go get me by the hand and pray about the sitch. If that has not been a practice throughout the M, then it is going to appear somewhat controlling on the H's part and him applying tons of pressure......at least that is how his W will see it. She won't see it as spiritual leadership for him to start this
after she's informed him she's not happy and may want out of the M. I know it sounds reasonable to the Believer who wants to lead his W.........trust me, I get it. But I can't agree with that advice when dealing with a W who is rebelling against her H, their MR, etc.
Let me copy & paste the part you posted to another newcomer to show what I mean:
I'd try this: I'd ask her if she would pray with you. Get somewhere quiet, take her by both hands..... and lead the prayer. Don't be shy, and what is in there you tell God. She will hear and maybe reciprocate for the second half.
Now, this is important. IF she agrees to this, you have to do it every night. Every night. No exceptions.
She won't believe at first, she has to see this is real. God will do the rest.
You are soooo lucky to still have a sane wife. So lucky.
First, I am not here to tell anyone how to practice their religious beliefs. I just wanted to point out how this particular situation could be seen as coercion, from her viewpoint.
It is wonderful to let other newcomers know they are not alone, and you are familiar with the pain another LBS feels. You have personal experience with that pain, whereas someone like me has not been in those shoes. I've read some of your posts where you were encouraging the other newcomer, and I wish I had some of your talent......without paying the price, if you know what I mean.
One more thing I wanted to suggest, b/c everyone doesn't read through complete threads once there are several pages worth. It is easy to miss a detail that could make a big difference in the advice. If you believe your W is having a MLC, you may need to bear in mind that the advice given for a MLC sitch, probably won't be the same advice that is commonly shared in Newcomers. From my observation over the years, the majority of LBH's in Newcomers have a wayward W....but that's JMHO. I just wanted you to remember it, if you receive advice that seems contrary to the contents of a MLC forum/site. Some newcomers seem to think every piece of advice should harmonize with what they've read or with what their counselor has said, etc. That's just not the case, and that's why people get confused about what they should do.
I hope you won't see me setting myself up as some type of critic, but rather, someone wanting to help. ((hugs))
