I am so glad to have found this place and Michelle's book. I am a newcomer and I am struggling.
After 27 years of marriage, I discovered that my husband was having an emotional affair- lots of texting and phone calls- back in February of this year. After the initial blow up we were able to have a few honest conversations. He told me he was unhappy in our marriage. We were essentially living as roommates and lack sex has been an issue for some time. Our relationship was friendly, we are best friend who enjoy spending time together, and I thought we were ok. We were in the process of buying our dream home and planning for our future.
The first few weeks after discovery were emotional, but we were still sleeping in the same bed, and were intimate frequently. I discovered he was still in contact with the OP and reacted. I told him if it were to continue then we need to separate. Of course, this just pushed him closer to her and further away from me.
He asked for space so he could figure out what he wants to do. He says he is conflicted. He does not want to lose his best friend, but he is not sure he wants to stay in the marriage. He says, "Maybe it has run its course." He has been on the couch for the last month, but otherwise our relationship is ok. We have our morning coffee together, stay in contact throughout the day, and eat dinner and watch tv together.
Last week, I was feeling a little too good about the way things were going and misread signals. I purchased a few of his favorite things while shopping, stopped by his team practice, and then asked him to go on a hike. His response was I was moving a bit too fast, and he needed space. That we were not in the same place, he wished he were, but he was still conflicted. That is when I found DB. I immediately implemented the LRT.
I started to make plans with friends, joined a gym, and put on a happy face. I told him I was going to a friends to visit for a few days. He seemed annoyed, but told me to have fun. I wasn't on the road for an hour and he began texting me. He texted me throughout my trip and I replied with short responses, and not immediately as I normally do. I did not initiated any contact. He said I seemed "off" and was wondering if I was ok. When he called he stated he did not want to bother me, just checking in. When I came home he seemed unnerved. He asked me lots of questions about what I did and then finally asked if there were "someone else" I was visiting while there. I kept my cool and answered his questions.
Since I came home he continues to contact me, and the tables have somewhat turned. His texts are longer, he's offering to bring home dinner, asking what kind of beer I might like, etc. BUT, just as I think things are moving forward in the right direction, BOOM! I found an email that confirmed my biggest fear. The email described that he would be out of the office traveling. This was the same day I left for my friend's house. He told me he was working on that day, so now I know he was with her. I remember him spending an awful long time getting ready that morning, which leads me to believe that this relationship has turned physical. It is probably not the first time. I am devastated. I can barely look at him.
I know I have only implemented LTR for less than a week, and although I feel I am seeing progress, I'm not sure I can continue knowing this new information. I am torn. Part of me wants to continue doing what I am doing and hope for the best. The other part of me wants to tell hime I can't continue to be his friend as he is involved with someone else, it hurts too much. That our relationship deserves to be treated with respect. That I love him enough to let him go.....
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you for that valuable information.
I should probably add, many of our problems stemmed from the fact that I had become disconnected in the past 6 months. The demands of my job had started to take over my life. I did not give my relationship the attention it deserved. This does not excuse my husband's behavior.
I have worked hard over the past 2 months in trying to build connections with my husband. I am less distracted and show genuine interest in our conversations. I leave work and come straight home to make dinner each day. I am more present in all of my relationships.
I am truly struggling. It is taking everything I have to not confront my husband about the fact that his affair has become physical. I have pretty much avoided contact with him all day. I am so confused by his behavior. He is obviously annoyed, concerned, and interested in my recent 180. His questions tell me he is concerned that I may be getting attention from men while I am out. Yet, he continues to have a relationship with another person.
Hi CSL. So sorry you find yourself here and that you have found there is another woman. My advice to you is to take a step back and really consider what it is you want. Do NOT do anything impulsively. Do NOT make it about her. She is not the reason for your marriage issues...she is the symptom. Do not make it about her. I know it is really, really hard but just keep doing what you are doing. GAL and do 180s...for you. If there comes a time when you feel like you want to formalize things (separation or divorce), do it for the right reasons... because you want out and not because you want to punish him or push him to do something. The HARDEST part about all of this is to be patient enough for your sitch to turn around. Most of us are not. Most of us cannot stop ourselves, even with the amazing advice on here, from trying to make something happen fast. It won’t. Anything you do to try to expedite things will only backfire and push him away. You have noticed some changes with LRT so keep it up. What I know is that eventually, the OW will also notice and start putting pressure on him and WS’s HATE pressure. Your H is conflicted. That’s a good thing. Don’t help him with that by trying to force his hand. It will likely not work out in your favour. I know this is excruciating. It will get better with time. Have faith and keep moving forward. (((HUGS)))
Thank you DejaVu6! I appreciate the support.
One of the most important things I have learned throughout this situation is to stop and breathe. In the past I have always reacted immediately, without thinking. It is a hard habit to break, but I am working on it. I will do my best to keep up the LRT and remain hopeful. This has all been so hard because this is not the man I know.
I know that at the very least, I am working on my happiness and improving myself.
I continue to struggle. The thought of my H sleeping with OW keeps creeping into my head. I feel if H wanted to work things out with me he would be making an effort. If he truly wanted to work on our marriage he would be begging for my forgiveness.
I am also becoming concerned about my husband's habits. He is a recovering addict. He has been drinking more and more lately, and I have found hidden beer cans around. He is chewing tobacco and nicotine gum. His computer history shows that he haas been watching porn as well. These habits are all very familiar to me and I fear he is spiraling. We have been here before. Last time it lead to pain med abuse and he lost his job. I stood by and supporting him through his recovery and he told me I saved his life. I almost feel as if the affair is related to his addictions. The feeling he gets from the affair is feeding his addictive personality.
I am not going to confront him at this point because I think it will only bring conflict and make matters worse. I have considered contacting his sponsor as he is also a friend.
When do I decide if it is time to implement boundaries? I feel like I cannot live like this anymore. He is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to come home to a wife who is kind, listens to him, makes dinner, etc. and carry on with another woman.
I am considering setting boundaries and continuing with GAL and 180. I could use some advice on exactly what to say. It is one thing to think it out, but actually doing it is hard. I truly wanted our marriage to work.
Here is what I am thinking (thanks to the many posts I have read):
"When you are involved with another woman while still married to me I feel disrespected. I want all contact to stop. If you continue to contact her and lie to me, I will consider all my options, including D."
There is more I want to add, but I am thinking short and to the point is best. He knows how much I love him and wanted this to work. He knows our relationship deserves respect. I guess there is no need for me to say it at this point.
D is the last thing that I want, but I can't sit back as my husband has a relationship with another woman. I deserve better. I deserve respect.
W 48 (me) H 52
D 27
S1 25 (currently living with us)
S2 23
Hi dear,
Sorry you are here, but you are, and lets make the best of it, shall we?
There are a whole lot of us here, whom have begun the journey that you are about to undertake, and we all began with that first step, which is so hard, because its absolutely counterintuitive.
Heres the deal.. There are two kinds of people you will come across here, and thats not to say that A or B is right. I am speaking from personal experience when I say, that posters like LH19 will tell you straight up (aka 2x4 you) when you are fooling yourself or when you are about to do something really dumb that will set you back.
He has a great way of setting emotions aside, and telling it like it is. For me personally, that has been golden. For some, it might sound a tad rude, and unfortunately, some people will immediately go on the defensive, instead of actually taking the solid advice into consideration.
Then there are the posters who takes all your emotions into consideration, which is really nice, and I appreciated that to some extent as well, but hey (for me at least), I needed a way out of the darkness, and that way was a lot easier for me to understand, with clear solid advice, and the occasional slap to the face, when I was A: Fooling my self or B: walking the wrong path.
So do not take it personal if I or one of the other posters 2x4 you, because its really insightful and a good help, if you allow it to be
.
Lets see about your last post shall we:
"When you are involved with another woman while still married to me I feel disrespected. I want all contact to stop. If you continue to contact her and lie to me, I will consider all my options, including D."
This is a lot of words, and the underlying message reads "I am your plan B, I am hurting, would you please consider not continuing having fun with OW? because then I will maybe, just maybe consider the fact that you and I should not be together, maybe..."
A boundary is something you set in stone, its crystal clear when that boundary is crossed, and the reaction / warning needs to be enforced instantly - if you are not able to do that, then dont set that boundary, because that will look weak as fk..
If you are absolutely sure, that a continued involvement with OW equals D for you then keep it simple and understandable: "H, I will not tolerate adultery in my M. If you do not cease all contact with OW, I will begin D proceedings." <-- This will most likely end in D, but you will have your self respect and nothing in that statement can be misunderstood. Do it because you want to, not because you want him to react in a certain way.
Get out and do stuff with 0 energy at first (it will get better). Set some goals for yourself, short term and long term, and work towards these goals. Become independent and realize, that you are more than able, and capable of life without hubby.
Stay strong, and do run your thoughts and ideas by here, before executing
.
Thank you Hurt213.
My H and I ended up having a conversation this morning as we were deciding what to do about our Easter plans. He felt as if I have been acting as I am moving on and wanted to talk. Of course, I tried my best to sit and listen without responding much, but I also felt I had to stay true to myself and my feelings. It turned into a relationship discussion, that I probably should have avoided, but in a way I feel relieved.
He thinks perhaps a break, or separation, will do us good. "Maybe a month from now I will regret this.....Maybe we will realize how much we love each other and that we can't live without one another. This does not mean the end of our marriage...." I'm not sure if he is just saying this to make me feel better, or to lessen his guilt, but I cannot go on living in our current situation as it is. He is overwhelmed by the thought of moving out and what it will involve. He said he doesn't even know where to begin. As far as I'm concerned it is not my problem.
He continues to tell me this other "relationship" is not what I think, that it is not intimate, etc. Frankly, at this point I don't care what the details are, it is damaging to our relationship. I am tired of the lies. He tries to tell me that this contact with the OW is a separate entity, that our relationship issues are a bigger part to what is going on with him. That we have caused much damage in our marriage over the last 27 years. I have learned enough over the past few months to know that this is typical talk, he is trying to rationalize his behavior.
I know that I may lose him forever, but I think I would rather end our marriage than live with the knowledge of this ongoing affair. At the end of our conversation I told him that if his contact and relationship with _____ continues, then he needs to leave. I said her name for the first time out loud, and it felt like a relief.
I am truly heartbroken. We have faced many difficulties over the past 28 years together, and I thought we would fight through this. We have always worked well as a team and taken things on together. I am angry, sad, and overwhelmed by emotions.
I appreciate all of the support on this forum. I will try to remember to be patient, look to advice before acting
CSL,
In retrospective, we could all have done a lot of things different, and as long as we realize this, and try to do better, then thats the only lesson to take from the past with us into the present and future.
What do I mean by that? you realized, that you shouldn't had involved yourself into an R talk. Good job! You are absolutely right, dear! you are by no means detached, healed or ready for such an emotional draining conversation.
You tried to listen and validate - Well done, more of this! (unless its about OW, then fk that conversation, pardon my language, thats just disrespectful).
You got dragged into an R talk - NO more of this, not for many months to come. Its just cake eating and him trying to ease his guilty feelings.
You set a boundary, I hope you are ready to enforce it - how will that take place? what is your plan of action?
Do NOT let him talk to you about his relationship or whatever he calls it, with the OM - its just disrespectful - hold yourself to higher standards, please!
Him talking about a "break" - let me translate this into a language that is easy understandable: You are my plan B, and I want to explore this new opportunity of mine. In case everything backfires, and the grass isn't greener, I want you to hang on in the shadows, so I can bounce back to my known safety net.... Come on, he is out the door - 28 years or 28 days, its all the same for him right now, sorry. Dont fall for this - again it comes down to self-respect - its tough, its brutal to say the least, but in a year from now, you want to look back on this with a sense, that you conducted yourself with grace, you stood up for yourself, you fought for your marriage from a place of STRENGTH, because you should be the GOLD MEDAL for ANY man who is lucky enough to call you a life companion..
Be strong. Dont be a pushover, you deserve more.
Taking a step back and trying to remain patient.
I am turning my focus to GAL. Yesterday H invited me to watch a game with him and our son. I waited for some time, but eventually joined them. H and I were cordial to one another for the rest of the evening. This is hard because our conversations quickly return to "normal", just everyday partner talk. I am trying to detach, but old habits die hard. I am a work in progress! As soon as I start to have some of those old loving feelings towards my spouse I am reminded of what he did, what he is doing.
One thing he said to me yesterday was that he thinks I am moving on, and that he thinks it's a good thing. This speaks volumes to me. He wants me to be ok, he wants me to move on, so he can. I feel as if it is time that he move out, even though it is the last thing I want. Perhaps he will realize what he is missing out on. Perhaps not.
I will not focus on the mistakes I have made, just move forward. For now, as to keep the peace in our home, I will continue with LRT and GAL. I am not ready to go dark, yet. I will read, read, and read DB. The more detached I become, the more interest he shows. Who knows..... I am not going to look to deeply into it, just take it as it comes, day by day.
I started to make plans with friends, joined a gym, and put on a happy face. I told him I was going to a friends to visit for a few days. He seemed annoyed, but told me to have fun. I wasn't on the road for an hour and he began texting me. He texted me throughout my trip and I replied with short responses, and not immediately as I normally do.
Good. Keep up these sort of activities, and yes his reaction was normal. He is up to shady behavior and like all men engaging in affairs it has made him hyper paranoid that you are up to the same.
BOOM! I found an email that confirmed my biggest fear. The email described that he would be out of the office traveling. This was the same day I left for my friend's house. He told me he was working on that day, so now I know he was with her. I remember him spending an awful long time getting ready that morning, which leads me to believe that this relationship has turned physical. It is probably not the first time.
Yes you are more than likely correct, and you are also probably correct that it wasn't the first time. Of course he lied about it, he's a lying cheater and that's exactly what they do. Expect lies on top of lies, and also expect lies about anything and everything, even really minor stuff.
The other part of me wants to tell him I can't continue to be his friend as he is involved with someone else, it hurts too much. That our relationship deserves to be treated with respect. That I love him enough to let him go.....
Listen to that part of yourself. That should be your attitude, as long as he is going to engage in nefarious behavior and lie to your face about it then you want nothing to do with him. You are high value and he is not. Lying cheaters are a dime a dozen. High quality, faithful people are not. If he wants you back he needs to show it through some pretty serious actions.
I feel if H wanted to work things out with me he would be making an effort. If he truly wanted to work on our marriage he would be begging for my forgiveness.
EXACTLY. But first he has to hit rock bottom, and that might take a while.
I am also becoming concerned about my husband's habits. He is a recovering addict. He has been drinking more and more lately, and I have found hidden beer cans around. He is chewing tobacco and nicotine gum. His computer history shows that he haas been watching porn as well. These habits are all very familiar to me and I fear he is spiraling. We have been here before. Last time it lead to pain med abuse and he lost his job. I stood by and supporting him through his recovery and he told me I saved his life. I almost feel as if the affair is related to his addictions. The feeling he gets from the affair is feeding his addictive personality.
That could very well be true. Is he in IC? He needs to be.
I am not going to confront him at this point because I think it will only bring conflict and make matters worse. I have considered contacting his sponsor as he is also a friend.
So normally we say not to talk to friends and family because the WAS will see that as "rallying the troops against them". However, if you think he's in danger then that would be a case where you should set your DB'ing aside for a while and try to get him help however you can. If you do talk to the sponsor then stress you are not looking for help to save the M, you are just contacting him because you are concerned about your H's health.
Thank you AnotherStander! I appreciate your support and guidance.
I struggle each day. This is not the man I have known for the last 28 years. I'm sad, but really angry that he has destroyed our future. We were financially stable for the first time in our marriage, we had plans for our family and our future. I can't be his friend, I can't even look at him at the moment.
He is definitely worried about my whereabouts and actions. He keeps bringing up things I've posted on social media. He asked why I put my phone down so quickly as he entered the room. "Did I sit in the bar or restaurant while I was out with friends?" So I know it is bothering him, but I don't understand why, when he doesn't seem to care.
He literally just called me as I typed this...... "just checking in, making sure we didn't need anything. How was your day....." I was calm and polite, not exactly friendly, and told him my day was "great". I'm not even sure I asked him about his.
I'm not sure how to act towards him for the next few weeks as we figure out living arrangements. I am staying busy, GAL. I could use some advice on how to proceed. I guess I am wondering, do I try to continue with LRT, or am I really in the after LR stage?
* I think it is ironic as I just remembered that his parents separated for a year after 25 yrs of marriage. They reconciled and have been together for an additional 30+ years. Their marriage is not great, but they chose to fight to save it. This is not giving me hope- just wonder if it plays a role into my husband's thinking and actions.
H came into my room last night to say that I seemed different. I replied with "I'm not sure what you mean?" He said I don't know how to explain it, things just seem different. He went on to say that the day before I was watching the game with him, and now it's just different, and went on trying to describe what he meant. His face was flushed and he was obviously flustered. he struggled with what to say. I just responded with "I'm just doing my thing". He said a quick ok, and left the room.
I can see that he is unnerved, but I am not reading into it. I will say that I felt good about it, not in a vengeful way, just relaxed and happy for the first time in a long time.
H came into my room last night to say that I seemed different. I replied with "I'm not sure what you mean?" He said I don't know how to explain it, things just seem different. He went on to say that the day before I was watching the game with him, and now it's just different, and went on trying to describe what he meant. His face was flushed and he was obviously flustered. he struggled with what to say. I just responded with "I'm just doing my thing". He said a quick ok, and left the room.
I can see that he is unnerved, but I am not reading into it. I will say that I felt good about it, not in a vengeful way, just relaxed and happy for the first time in a long time.
Most WASs do not respond well to the LBS detaching well. They feel a loss control. They don't like it. My wife would constantly ask what is wrong. Nothing, why? Was always my response.
Keep it up!
H just came in the room to tell me about his day. Then the conversation turned. He said he is confused. That I am hot and cold. We are on a rollercoaster. He said, "A few days ago I thought I was going to have to find an apartment, and then that night we sat on the couch together and you even touched my foot at one point, and then the next day, poof, you were off doing your own thing."
He said he understands and I have every right to feel and act this way. He went on.... I did my best not to engage in the R conversation. I responded with lots of, "I understand why you feel that way." As I got up to walk away he asked if I had anything to say, what did I want? I simply responded with you know what I want. I probably should have kept my mouth shut, because he does know....
He continued to say things are so up and down, they seem like they are good, then I go cold. He said he wishes I would either be angry, or ok and things could be good. But he understands, I have every right.....But we can not sustain this.
He talked about taking out $ from retirement to find a place if he had to (I will not let that happen). I did not respond. He said that we have to figure out what we are going to do. I gave a simple ok response and walked away. He was clearly annoyed with my lack of responses and that I did not engage in the conversation. He is storming around the house a bit.
I feel like he is annoyed that I am not acting as his wife any more, that he can't have his cake and eat it too. I never thought I'd be here, as none of us do, and I hope I am doing the right things. It's so hard to not let emotions and instinct take over.
He talked about taking out $ from retirement to find a place if he had to (I will not let that happen). I did not respond. He said that we have to figure out what we are going to do. I gave a simple ok response and walked away. He was clearly annoyed with my lack of responses and that I did not engage in the conversation. He is storming around the house a bit.
You got his attention. That is often an outcome of DBing. WAHs are especially upset about losing control over their LBWs. While I see that with WAWs too, WAHs often react very much like this. Upset, pouty, storming around. Men can be big kids when they do not get their way. You are doing the right thing. He needs to know you can and will move on.
On the retirement savings thing, if it comes to that, let him. But only up to 50% of the savings and then document it. If you two were to D, those savings would get split down the middle anyway. So if he pushes on it just make sure your half is protected.
CSL,
I’m so sorry to see you here on this forum. I’m Living, Ready2Change referenced my thread above. I’m sending you lot’s of hugs because what you’re going through is agonizing.
I’m no expert but I totally relate to your story.
I feel like I could have written some of the same things about my H that you wrote about yours. I don’t want to hurt you more than you’re already hurting but I want you to be prepared for what may begin to happen. Trust me, our stories sound so similar so I know what you’re going through.
Your H isn’t stable. He’s no longer capable of being the man that you’ve been married to for 28 years. You probably look at him and think he’s a total stranger now. And in essence he is. He will lie and manipulate so that things can workout in his favor. He may also come up with justifications for his bad behavior.
Buckle up and get ready for a wild ride. Things are probably going to get worse before they get better (if they ever get better with your H). The only person your H is concerned with is himself. He no longer has your best interest at heart.
Right now you feel your entire world is crashing down. Your mind probably races all day. You may even feel like you’re going crazy. This is tough stuff! The best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of you. You can no longer depend on your H. Again, he’s not the same person as he was. No matter how hard it is, you have to face that fact. It’s hard, trust me I know!
Please also realize this isn’t about you or another woman, this is all about your H. Any AP is just a symptom of a bigger problem that lies within your husband. There is nothing you did to warrant him going out and getting involved with another woman. You did nothing to deserve that. Please believe that. He made that “choice” as a grown man. No matter what was going on in your marriage, that’s no excuse to go have an affair.
You’re on a roller coaster ride but you don’t have to stay on that ride.You don’t have to put up with ANYTHING that you don’t want to put up with. You get to choose how a person treats you. I know it hurts and that it’s hard because you love him. You had no preparation for this.
Your H doesn’t know what he wants. He will say one thing one day and the next day he will say something different. My H’s story has changed so much I’ve lost count. Don’t take anything that he says at face value.
Be kind to yourself, this is going to be one of the hardest things you’ll likely go through. Take one day at a time. Yes you will have to set some boundaries. Those boundaries are to protect you from your husbands erratic behavior.
Lastly, keep posting here. You’ll get lots of help from the vets. These guys and gals have helped me tremendously. I wouldn’t be where I’m at in my sitch if it were not for them. I’m not perfect and I still make mistakes in my own sitch. I still fall down. However, I get up, dust myself off, and continue on with my journey. You’ll make mistakes as well. You’ll get advice here that you won’t lisgen to. It’s all apart of the process. Over time, you’ll get better at DB. Just keep moving forward.
Again, sending you lots of hugs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Thank you Ready2Change.
Steve85, Thank you for the advice on the $. I don't think he has given a single thought as to what will be involved if/when he moves out. He is simply looking to escape. The logistics of it all hasn't even crossed his mind. I think he thinks we will still share a bank account and pay the bills, etc.
I know I got his attention. He's curious as to what I am doing, asking ?'s. And lots of replies of "good for you." He is a bit more distant today, but I guess that is to be expected.
Living, I can't thank you enough for your support. I was just about to jump over to your thread.
H absolutely tries to justify his behavior. I do not recognize this man, but at times I do see him in there. There are times when he is talking to me, telling me about his day and everything seems so normal. I almost forget. I think he does too. Day to day conversation is so natural, familiar. Then it hits me......
This is truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I cannot even believe it is happening. It consumes me. Just a few short months ago we were living our life, planning our future.....
I've made many mistakes in the past 2 months, but I am trying not to beat myself up about it. I don't think I have done anything that would have changed my course at this point. I don't want him to leave, I want to work this out, but I'm not sure how long I can stay on this ride.
In just a few short days I have found so much support. I appreciate this forum.
Not going to read too much into it, but H hugged me for the first time in weeks this morning.
H began a conversation about my weight. He said although it was none of his business, he was wondering how much I weigh. As we are both fairly fit, and fitness has always been a common interest, he is aware of my typical weight. I have lost 15 lbs since Feb. and am thinner than I have ever been in my adult life. He continued to offer suggestions of what I could do to put some weight back on. It came from a place of concern and he ended the conversation with, "I know this is my fault."
Before he left for work he came up to me and said, "I want you to know that this came from a place of concern." and he patted me on the shoulder. He continued, "You are still beautiful. You are beautiful and amazing. I want you to know that." He grabbed me and hugged me, rubbing my back, and continued to tell me how beautiful I was.
We have hugged in recent weeks, but this was different. He initiated it and it was genuine. I am not reading into it other than maybe a little bit of progress. Perhaps it was out of guilt, but I feel like that is ok. He is showing genuine concern for me and admitting to how his actions have impacted me. I think this is progress for out relationship- no matter what R looks like at this point.
Day to day conversation continues to be difficult because it feels so natural, so normal. H made a comment about a house that was featured on the news this morning. It was on the water, something we have always dreamed of, he said he wondered if the house was for sale. Then he said something about how he was just trying to make a joke (it was a crime scene) it just came out without thinking. I think as we engage in "normal" routine things we both forget for a moment. I'm sure this is normal, especially after so many years together.
Continuing with GAL. The gym has been a huge help. This has always been something I loved to do and I have neglected over the last 6+ months. It is H's former gym so he knows many people there, so his interest is in who was there, who's teaching classes, etc. Again, not reading into anything right now. This is helping me become stronger in mind and body.
CSL- your H wants to keep you on as Plan B. Who knows what his Plan A is, maybe there's an OW that he's keeping secret, or maybe one he's talking to that keeps telling him to leave his W and then maybe she'll take him, or maybe just a fantasy OW. But regardless, you are NOT his Plan A right now. But, he wants to keep you on in case Plan A falls through. You're his backup plan. Here's the problem with this, if you start playing into his hands and eating up all the crumbs he throws you will ALWAYS be Plan B. There will be OW2 and 3 and 4 etc. etc. all while you sit on the back burner. You'll be good when he wants some family time or maybe a quickie but not as a real W. So what do you do, well you do what you are already doing- you make it clear to him that you are NOT Plan B. You have too much self-worth to be his pathetic backup plan. You DESERVE to be Plan A whether it's with him or someone else. If you hold your head high, leave him to his mess and get out and GAL then he WILL notice and he will start to realize what he's leaving behind is far better than whatever he thinks he's pursuing.
Not going to read too much into it, but H hugged me for the first time in weeks this morning.
Classic case of throwing you some crumbs to keep you on as Plan B. Don't fall for it. He's got a long way to fall before he might come to you with real humbleness in his heart over what he's done.
He said although it was none of his business, he was wondering how much I weigh.
"Don't worry about it H, I lost some weight due to stress but I'm doing better now."
It came from a place of concern and he ended the conversation with, "I know this is my fault."
Don't respond to comments like this. He's baiting you.
Before he left for work he came up to me and said, "I want you to know that this came from a place of concern." and he patted me on the shoulder.
Oh yes, the ol' WAS pat. Next time tell him you are fine and pull away, make it clear you're not interested in his condescending gestures.
CSL- your H wants to keep you on as Plan B. Who knows what his Plan A is, maybe there's an OW that he's keeping secret, or maybe one he's talking to that keeps telling him to leave his W and then maybe she'll take him, or maybe just a fantasy OW.
There is OW. She is also married.
You DESERVE to be Plan A whether it's with him or someone else. If you hold your head high, leave him to his mess and get out and GAL then he WILL notice and he will start to realize what he's leaving behind is far better than whatever he thinks he's pursuing.
Thank you for this reminder. I will keep trying to GAL. It's not always easy, I want to save my marriage, but this is not the marriage I want.
I did not respond to him when he told me my weight loss was his fault. It was hard to hold back, but I just stayed silent.
I cannot say enough about the support I have gotten here, I appreciate you all so much.
CSL,
AnotherStander is spot on. Your husband wants to keep you as plan be. He wants you to be a backup in case plan A doesn’t work. You are NO ONES plan B. Trust me when I say that my husband is doing the same thing to me. I can be honest and say that I’ve even made the mistake of allowing myself to be plan B. I did it because I had hope that if I just gave in a little that he would snap out of his MLC. Guess what? He didn’t.
I’m still going through it with my husband because “currently” we still live under the same roof. But I have cut him clean off. No more playing second fiddle to whatever he decides to make a priority over me. I don’t give or accept any of his physical touches anymore. Why because all he’s doing his throwing me bread crumbs and temp checking me.
My husband will literally bomb me and less than an hour later try and touch me or kiss me. Sometimes I feel like this is a sick game to him. But as soon as he comes in to hug or kiss me, I block his advances like a heavy weight boxer. Lol! As a result, he normally pouts or throws a toddler size tantrum.
Keep focusing on you. Don’t put any stock into anything he says. As it stands right now, I wouldn’t believe anything that my husband said even if his tongue came notorized. Take care of yourself, try to eat even if it’s several small meals. I know this is hard and emotionally draining. I’m thinking of and praying for you. I’m also sending you lots of love.
Thanks Living.
The temp checking makes sense to me. A few weeks back my H told me I did so many nice things for him and he should be doing nice things for me, blah, blah, blah- He said something about how I take out his creamer every morning for his coffee, and he doesn't even think to do it for me (I've stopped). He went on to talk about groceries I buy for him, etc (I've stopped). This morning I walked into the kitchen and my creamer was sitting next to my mug. Something so small, and it seems silly even as I type this, but he knows what he is doing.
I can understand why you would have hope and allow yourself to be plan B. I'm afraid I might do the same. I keep reminding myself that I deserve better, I am no one's plan B. I also find myself thinking, "When is he going to snap out of this?" I can't believe this is the man I have known for almost 30 years!
I am so impressed with your strength. Thank you for your advice. I am taking much better care of myself. I am eating more and have gained a few pounds back. Working hard at the gym to build back the muscle. Focusing on me. You are in my thoughts as well. I have read much of your story and I hope the best for you.
Thanks Living.
The temp checking makes sense to me. A few weeks back my H told me I did so many nice things for him and he should be doing nice things for me, blah, blah, blah- He said something about how I take out his creamer every morning for his coffee, and he doesn't even think to do it for me (I've stopped). He went on to talk about groceries I buy for him, etc (I've stopped). This morning I walked into the kitchen and my creamer was sitting next to my mug. Something so small, and it seems silly even as I type this, but he knows what he is doing.
Yes that sounds like temp checking to me. It was nice that he left the creamer next to your mug. I think it’s ok to recognize nice things that they do. However, you should never have any expectations or think that it changes anything.
I can understand why you would have hope and allow yourself to be plan B. I'm afraid I might do the same. I keep reminding myself that I deserve better, I am no one's plan B. I also find myself thinking, "When is he going to snap out of this?" I can't believe this is the man I have known for almost 30 years!
I’ve made almost every mistake a LBS could make. Almost EVERY ONE. Lol! Listen this is tough and in the beginning we are really vulnerable. Don’t beat yourself up. You’ll make mistakes. Learn from them and continue on “your” journey.
I am so impressed with your strength. Thank you for your advice. I am taking much better care of myself. I am eating more and have gained a few pounds back. Working hard at the gym to build back the muscle. Focusing on me. You are in my thoughts as well. I have read much of your story and I hope the best for you.
Some days I’m strong and others I’m weak. This takes time. The one thing I can say is that I’m a lot stronger than I was when I first landed on this forum. Give it time, soon you’ll be saying the same thing. I look over my first post and I can see so much growth. However, I also have much more growing to do. Hugs to you dear. Keep up the good fight! You can do this! You’re strong! One day at a time!
There is OW. She is also married.
Everything is counter intuitive.
Here is a link to quotes I have collected over the past 10 years. Read them all for better understanding of things that work:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2831362Boundaries work. They may not get your H to stop his A, but they let him know what you will do if he doesn't.
This is the short version of what type of boundary needs to be set:
W"H, this is not working for me. End all contact with OW starting right now or I will file for D"
Wow, this stich sounds a lot like mine. Thank you Ready2Change for sharing it. I will be following and learning.
H is continuing to do nice things, some small, things he had done in the past, but I have not seen for months- trying not to take those crumbs! I remind myself that I am not his Plan B! I have not called or texted him, but I do respond to his contact. He is standing closer, hanging around a bit more, finding reasons to call or text....temp checking, I am sure. I will take it for what it is and continue to GAL and 180.
The best thing about trying to 180 is that I feel more like my old self. Over the past few years I had become critical, and a bit negative. Instead of looking for the best in people, I would point out their flaws. Not directly to them, but my comments would usually have some agenda, if you know what I mean. I did not feel good about it, nor did I feel like myself. The more I did it, the more unhappy I would become, and it became a cycle. Today, I am much calmer and more myself. Although I feel as if I am falling apart at times, I am happier with myself and the direction in which I am headed.
Big confession here- I am a snoop. Always have been, it is rooted deep into my childhood and my own parent's divorce. But..... I have worked very hard to stop. Snooping does nothing to help, nor is it beneficial. It brings on more anxiety and questions and only hurts my relationships. it is something H has always complained about. It is not easy to stop, but I am sleeping better and feel an inner strength developing.
Taking it day by day, moment by moment.
Thank you Ready2Change.
Boundaries are something I definitely need to work on. In the past H has read my boundaries as an ultimatum, which tells me I did not implement them correctly.
HB_Wife, I will be following you as well. Best of luck to you in your journey.
Having a tough morning..... looking for guidance.
I am having trouble detaching. I understand every situation is different, and we have to figure out what works, but I am torn.
GAL is getting my H's attention. At times it brings him closer to me, at times it irritates him. Both are ok, I think. Living under the same roof and detaching is HARD! Our day to day interactions are pleasant. We have fallen into our normal morning routine- drinking coffee, watching the news, chatting. Although it feels nice, I do not want to be my H's friend, I want to be his W.
Yesterday I went out for the day. After H left for the gym to teach class, I went to my gym. Then I went and shopped for several hours. I bought new gym clothes. I purchased new undergarments at a specialty store and was sure to use our joint account to pay. Maybe a little manipulative, but I want him wondering what I am up to, I want to remain a mystery.
When I came home he had left for baseball practice. Perfect. I was sure he was wondering where I was. When he came come he asked me about my day, what did I do? I simple responded with, "I had a great day, lots of running around and getting stuff done." He explained that he came home and I wasn't here, so he left for practice early. I kept busy in the house, not really ignoring him, but changing sheets, doing laundry, cleaning, etc. Looking busy. I had to walk past him many times and I could feel tension. I didn't initiate any convo, but tried to remain upbeat, singing, etc. For the first week I stopped buying his groceries. He was annoyed that he didn't have any snacks for the game. Of course, he was clearly annoyed that I was not giving him attention. I feel like saying- "go get the attention from OW....Let her buy your groceries- buy your own!" But I keep my mouth shut, smile and move on.
This morning things are tense. H came up and made coffee, asked about my plans for the day. I asked about his, "sounds like fun.... blah blah" He sat to watch the news with me. After several minutes of quiet tension, we both got up and left the room. H mumbled something about interrupting my peace and quiet and he should just go downstairs.
Detaching feels terrible. I've read the thread a few times, yet still I struggle. Of course, sitting around talking, eating meals together, sharing about our day, etc. feels great. We have both fallen into the trap of forgetting what is going on, and then reality slaps you in the face. It almost feels like progress, but I think it is only giving me a false sense of hope.
This week H has done some nice things. He brought me home dinner, has been putting my creamer and coffee cup out for me in the am (so silly, I know), texted me to check in when we had some crazy weather, calling me, etc. He was finding ways to stand a little closer to me, where just a few days ago he would step out of my way. But I can't fall into this trap. I can't pick up those crumbs. I have to remind myself that he is still involved with OW and I deserve more.
As I try to detach, it doesn't feel right because I feel him withdrawing. But, maybe that is a good thing. Perhaps he needs to sit and sulk and realize what his life will be without me. I don't want to send mixed signals, sitting and having dinner together in one moment to being scarce in the next. I need to decide either sit back and wait it out, or detach. I am worried that detaching is only pushing him out the door, but I need to remember that I've already lost him..... he already has one foot out.
I totally understand how you feel.. that feeling of being together one moment and then trying to be detached the next. It's hard to do when living together. I'm sure someone will chime in and help clarify on what to do.
How do you remain kind and loving when detaching?
Thank you HBWife. I appreciate your support.
I worry that I detached too much. The tension this morning felt terrible. H left this morning with giving little details of his plans and has not returned as of yet. He seemed despondent as he left, I almost felt bad. I think he is trying to give me a "taste of my own medicine". He was clearly upset my my absence yesterday, therefore he will leave and refuse to contact me all day. Like a temper tantrum.
He is content when we are getting along. He begins to feel comfortable. Feeling uncomfortable is making him want to flee and avoid. We are best friends, it feels great to spend time together and get along, yet I cannot be his friend when he is with OW.
Still a little awkward this morning. Typical morning talk, but I could feel the awkwardness between us. I stayed upbeat, left the convo first, getting ready for work early.
H complimented me for the first time in weeks. I know....I know.... but I will take it for what it is. He told me, "good choice on the outfit today, you look nice." I responded with a quick thank you. And I do look good. The dress I am wearing hugs me in all the right places, showing off my hard work at the gym. I'm not reading into it, but he hasn't complimented me in months- and I've worn this dress recently. He questioned if I had anything special going on, why the dress? I replied with a nope and wish I had left it at that, but I felt the need to say something about sometimes it's easier to just throw on a dress. He continued to ask, why is it easier than pants? I explained myself. I really wish I had just stopped, but I am learning......By the way- I wear dresses at least once a week to work- why is he just noticing now?
I have a feeling H is going to tell me he is moving out soon. There have been a few times when he stops and stares off, like he is getting ready to say something. I am pretty sure he wants to leave, he just doesn't have the guts to say it yet.
I could use come help in my response. I was thinking something like:
H- I think it is time for me to get my own apartment. We can't sustain living like this.
W- I can see why you feel that way. Do you have any idea when you're going to do that? Knowing would help me plan.
I don't want H to leave, but as long as he is involved with OW, I don't want him here. It's been 10 weeks since BD, but only 10 days of trying to LRT and GAL. I feel like I am seeing a little progress, but I don't know how long I can stay on this roller coaster.
I could use some help in my response. I was thinking something like:
H- I think it is time for me to get my own apartment. We can't sustain living like this.
W- I can see why you feel that way. Do you have any idea when you're going to do that? Knowing would help me plan.
H:"W, bla bla bla I want to move out bla bla bla"
W:"I am sorry you feel that way."
H:W, bla bla bla we can't sustain livling like this bla bla "
W:"I agree. This is no way to live"
W"I see many solutions to our problems. If that is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
I could use some help in my response. I was thinking something like:
H- I think it is time for me to get my own apartment. We can't sustain living like this.
W- I can see why you feel that way. Do you have any idea when you're going to do that? Knowing would help me plan.
H:"W, bla bla bla I want to move out bla bla bla"
W:"I am sorry you feel that way."
H:W, bla bla bla we can't sustain livling like this bla bla "
W:"I agree. This is no way to live"
W"I see many solutions to our problems. If that is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
Thank you R2C. The last quote speaks much more to the way I feel. I will keep this in my back pocket to be ready when the time comes.
H is very distant and cold today. Not sure how to read into it. Or if I should even waste my time thinking about it. Almost wondering if something is going on with OW. Today was the first day he did not go to the gym in weeks. This is where they usually see each other. I'm not reading into it. Something just seems off, he's very down and cranky. I will just continue to GAL and be my pleasant, happy self
Something is different..... Trying not to read into it, but something is definitely off.
H is still distant and quiet for the most part. Distracted. He is talking to me with normal day to day discussions one moment, and cold the next. Strange little things. He was even irritated and short with the dog last night. He definitely wanted to be alone.
Yesterday H texted me to tell me about an issue with his new tires. He ended the long text with an FYI. I replied with a "sorry about that, that stinks." He could have easily told me about it when I got home, just temp checking? Or he just needed to vent....
I called home on my way to the gym expecting my S to answer, but H did (he's never home at this time). He was cold at first, but then went on to explain his tire dilemma. He asked if I was going to the gym, then said have fun and hung up. When I got home he had cleaned the house, made dinner, and skipped the gym. He NEVER skips the gym. He stayed downstairs in his "room" all night power watching a series. He came up a few times throughout the night- sometimes chatty, sometimes cold.
He was on the couch almost cuddling the dog when I got up this morning. So, either he felt bad about last night, or he is thinking about how hard it will be to leave the dog. As silly as it sounds I have noticed in the past few weeks he will make comments about the dog and how the dog doesn't love him as much as he used to, he only hangs around him when he has food, etc. H loves this dog. He is our baby. I think he is trying to detach from him so it won't hurt when he leaves.
He left the door open to the bathroom as he got ready this morning - something that used to be routine, but not for the last few months. He left for work with a quick goodbye, but had to come back because he forgot his phone. That never happens! How will he contact OW without it?!
Normally I would press and ask him what was wrong, or respond in the same cold manner. But, I will continue to 180 and GAL. Obviously, still working on the detaching thing.... This is so hard.
Of course as I am getting ready for work I began to wonder, maybe all of this behavior is H trying to further detach from me?
Not sure what is going on with H. Not sure why I am trying to figure it out.....
H is only going to the gym on the days he teaches a class. This is not the norm, this is where he sees OW. He usually spends hours at the gym. He has told me he spends so much time there because he doesn't want to be home.
He has made dinner twice this week and cleaned the house. These are things he did in the past, but not in the past few months. He is pretty withdrawn, I think he has powered through 2 series on Netflix in the past 3 days.
I will continue to GAL. Still working on detaching. It's easier said than done.....
Maybe he is becoming aware of what he will lose with you and giving up the OW is depressing him.
Of course I'm no expert.
Thanks for your input HBW and R2C, I appreciate the support.
Something is definitely up, but I'm trying really hard to detach from the situation and let him go through whatever he is going through right now. It's so hard. In my head it seems so easy, it makes sense, but actually doing it as we are living under the same roof is hard. I fight the urge to ask him if he is ok and I try to give him space, but our home is not that big, haha.
His interactions with me are strange. He peeked in my room this morning and smiled and asked how long I had been up, he noticed my light on, but didn't even stand there long enough to hear a response. The rest of the morning was limited conversation and a quick goodbye. Most often his interactions start off cold, then he starts to tell me about something and it becomes a normal convo, but then it ends quick and cold.
Probably temp checking when he says things like, "I'm not going to be around on Sunday, golf work thing, blah, blah, blah...not that it affects you, just wanted to let you know...." I just respond with an OK, sounds like fun....
I continue to read on here how the only way DB will work is if I let him go, fully detach, truly implement DB, but I struggle. I struggle with what should I do- Do I sit and listen as he tells stories about work, etc., engage in conversation? Or, do I make myself less available to him? I feel like the latter is the thing to do so he can begin to recognize what life will be like without me, even as his friend. Yet, I do not want to seem cold. It is so hard to figure out the balance.
When he approaches you, the best thing you can do is listen and validate. Give him your undivided attention. Just listen to "his story". It is his truth, not yours. Just understand him.
The rest of the time. Keep busy. Be happy doing things. Get out of the house (coffee, walks, gym, siting in the park watching kids play...whatever...go enjoy life). Leave him there alone.
Thank you R2C.
I actually had a really good day. I am coming to realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, and it is not tied to someone else. I really didn't think about H all day, which allowed me to be better at my job, which felt good. I had a great workout a the gym, I am meeting people there and it feels great just to socialize and not think.
Posting here, being able to share my story, and having others support me has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel lighter today, happier. I know I will have good days and bad days, but I will take today
Posting here, being able to share my story, and having others support me has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I feel lighter today, happier. I know I will have good days and bad days, but I will take today
You've got a good support system here. People who know what you are going through and can help you through the storm. I'm using your stitch to help me journey through mine since it's similar.
Go job on GAL! Sounds like it's helping you feel better.
Thank you HBW.
I have been reading your thread a lot as well. I wish I wasn't here, but I'm so glad to have found this place.
I think I am getting better at this as I am feeling better about myself. My head knows all the right things to do, but my heart gets in the way.
Things continue to be a bit strange. H is still not really going to the gym. This is such a change in behavior as he was spending 2-3 hours there pretty much 6-7 days a week. He teaches classes there a few days a week and this the only time he has gone all week. He continues to text me and I respond, but I have not initiated a text in weeks. He texted me yesterday to ask what I was up to, gym? shopping? I responded by telling him my plans and asked him why. H said he was just wondering what my plans were- he was headed to the store and them making dinner. That's the 4th time this week he has cleaned the house and made dinner. Last night he actually sat and ate with me. It's really casual, sitting in front of the tv, but that's typical for us now that we are empty nesters (for the most part).
This morning over coffee he had much to say. He is nervous about a work trip that involves a big presentation. I just listened and validated. When H said it will be nice to get away and sleep in a bed for a night (company is putting him up in a hotel) I did not respond. I told him at least he will be able to socialize with the group on Sunday which may make the presentation a bit more comfortable for him on Monday. A month ago I would have told him he has a bed, it's his choice to sleep on the couch.
H has a group event he is attending next weekend with a team from the gym. OW is on this team. This morning as H was going over his plans for the next week, noting how busy he was, he mentioned the event and stated that "no one even wants to go anymore, sounded great at first, blah blah blah... just go and get it over with..." I don't even think I responded.
I myself am nervous about an upcoming event that I am attending as OW will be there. I am sure H is nervous as well..... I have never seen her in person, but I have seen pictures. I am a coach for a girl's running team in my district, she is a coach in her district. I don't know if H knows that I am aware that she is a coach. All teams will run a race in 2 weeks. There will be over 1,000 people there so I am hoping to avoid seeing her. My focus will be my team and I am hoping to keep that focus throughout the event. I have been looking forward to this day as it is an important day for the girls and they have worked so hard. I think these girls have helped me just as much, if not more, than I have helped them over the past few months.
I am off to the gym- GAL! I have been journaling the past week and it is helping me a lot. My appetite is back, I am eating well and have gained a few pounds back over the last 2 weeks. I am in a Master's program and will finish my classes in the next few weeks. Just a few more things to do and I will have my degree by the end of the year. I have 3 amazing kids who are grown and doing their own thing. I miss them, but I am super proud of the adults they have become. I have a few friends who have supported me through all of this, I don't know what I would do without them. I have so much good to focus on. I will be ok no matter what.
I'm having a tough morning. H brought up moving out again. I tried not to get sucked into the R talk, mostly I validated, but of course I got sucked in..... Just as I was feeling good about myself..... Get me off of this roller coaster!
This week we found out we need a fairly major repair done to our home and the cost is around $8k. This will impact H's ability to move out at this time. H brought up the fact that we talked about how to pay this, but not how it will impact what we have going on right now. At first I did not respond, but as he pushed for a response I simply said, "I can see why that would be frustrating for you." As he continued to talk, I validated. I agreed with him that the way we are currently living in no way to live. Blah Blah Blah.... validate, validate. As he spoke of the fact that 2 weeks ago we spoke of him finding his own place and how that may be best, I told him that "I see many solutions to our problems. If that is how you feel I will not stand in your way." Of course I couldn't just stop there and added that I did not want him to leave, but I cannot go on like this. He said he did not want to leave.
He told me that he loved me, that he will always love me, until the day he dies. BUT when he thinks about our relationship, he feels numb inside. That he always felt like he was doing something wrong, that I was always angry. I validated. He is worried that if we reconcile, everything will get brushed under the rug and we will just move on, that I will never trust him again. That now, I have even more reason to be angry. That we will be miserable, and maybe it will be better to be miserable for a while (if we D), but then be happy one day (on our own). I simply told him that sweeping things under the rug, just moving on, was not an option for me, that is not what I want in a relationship. He stated that we are in different places right now. I told him that I don't know where I am right now, that I am trying to figure things out for myself.
He says he must be crazy. Anyone wise enough would be begging for my forgiveness, jumping at the chance to repair things with me. But, for the first time he is not going with what is "right", but how he feels. I did not respond. At one point OW came up. Of course he was adamant that it was not a "relationship", he was not seeing anyone, it was just talking. I do not believe a word of it. He tries to state that one thing has nothing to do with the other, rewriting history to justify his actions.
I think fear is keeping him here. He is overwhelmed by what is involved in leaving, he doesn't even know how to take the first step- what is involved. All of the "nice" things H has been doing is because he wants to keep things pleasant while he is still here. He thinks maybe he was sending me the wrong message.
So, I am ready for some tough love! I think I know what I need to do- just truly let him go. Obviously, I was not doing as well at DB as I thought.... H is away on business for the night. His clothes and things are still in our bedroom even though he's been on the couch for over a month. While he is gone I think I will move his clothes and things into the guest BR. I can't look at in anymore. If we need to live under the same roof for the time being I need to separate more. I think I will tell him I cannot be his friend, that if we are separated, we need to live that way. No more dinners, morning coffee, etc. I can't. It hurts too much. My question is, do I tell him? Or just do it?
Actions.... You already talked... Now do the walk... He will figure out why - actions speak louder than words
.
Thank you Hurt213. I know what to do, it's just as you say- now I need to act- do the walk. I need to lead with my head, not my heart.
Thanks again H213.
I did it. I moved all of H's things out of the MBR and into the guest room. It felt pretty good. I made sure to rearrange furniture and hang some things up to give the room a new look. I don't want to look at the empty space that used to be, just a new space that is mine. It feels a bit strange, and I am sad of course, but I could not look at his things any longer. He wants to separate, then we need to live separately, even if it's under the same roof for now.
I like it. Why do I like it? because your reply only contained two sentences where you mention your H.
This shows me, that you are thinking about this in the right way - This is something you do for YOU. Not to get an reaction, not to expect anything. But for you to move on to the next plateau and stop yourself from stalling.
What is your planned response when he returns?
Thank you H213. You just made me smile.
I'm not sure how I will respond ..... still thinking about it.
If anyone has advice, I'm open....
When H comes home tomorrow and discovers his things have been moved I think I will simply tell him that I thought it would be easier, we could both have more privacy when getting dressed, etc.
I'm still not sure I did the right thing. I'm sure he won't be happy about it, I probably should have let him do it himself, but I needed to do it for me. It hurt too much to look at all of his things, it was just a reminder that he was not there. He considers us separated, we need to live that way. Perhaps it will be a bit of a wake up call, perhaps it will push him out the door even faster. Who knows?
Meanwhile.... he is still texting me, checking in, hope you had a good day.... blah blah blah. I responded with "I did, thanks." Why does he continue to do this?
Dont even explain it to him. You have nothing to explain. Your actions speak for themselves.
Stop responding to his texts. Its pointless. He needs to feel the loss of your interest. If he asks a dorect question about something important. Sure, respond, but wait a while. If he is just making small talk. Ignore it.
Actions, not words.
And you showed assertiveness. Stop doubting yourself. Do what makes you feel better. Stop worrying about his reaction. You didnt do that to punish him. You did it because you want him away from you.
If je does ask, keep it short. "We are separated, so I need MY personal space"
And you showed assertiveness. Stop doubting yourself. Do what makes you feel better. Stop worrying about his reaction. You didnt do that to punish him. You did it because you want him away from you.
If je does ask, keep it short. "We are separated, so I need MY personal space"
Thank you ST. You are correct. I actually thought about it for some time, our conversation just gave me the push I needed. I did not do this to punish him, it was not out of spite. I do want him to understand that, but he will think whatever he wants to think.
How do you know if your spouse is leaving crumbs, plan B-ing you, or if it is truly from the heart. I guess in our situations you always assume it is the former, right?
H was upset that I moved his things out of the MBR. Not that I did it, but that I didn't tell him. I validated his feelings. At first he said he was going to move asap, but after calming down he said he understood why I did it.
He told me, "I never said our relationship was over, that I wanted to end things. People separate, work things out, and get back together." We talked abut how hard it is to navigate through life when there are memories everywhere you look, every corner you turn. He said that the good memories far outweigh the bad. About our dream of owning a summer home, he said "we may still have that, who knows?" That his biggest fear is that he will leave, want to return in a month or two, and that I will have moved on, and he will realize what a mistake it was, that he will lose..... Plan B, right?
He also stated that I don't know anything about his relationship with OW, he said, "Maybe it's over with her, maybe I ended it."
Believe nothing, right?
I honestly think he is depressed. I asked him and he said maybe he is, that he just feels numb inside, and he has probably been depressed for 20+years. This is not the first time we have discussed this, but it was the first time he admitted it.
I'm trying not to fall into a trap here....Trying not to gobble up those crumbs. I will continue to do my thing, GAL is good for me.
Plan B - heck yes.
Look, at the moment he doesn't even have the respect for you to tell you whether he is still seeing OW. WTF is 'maybe'- in cheater language it's 'yes'
CSL I so could have written this exchange. I had many very similar conversations.
He is frightened that he is going to end up with nothing. What a horrible thought for him. Down from 2 women to none. His relationship with OW is on shaky ground so he'd better keep you in the background whilst he sees how things pan out.
Carry on as you were - not performing in his circus. He's starting to realise that actions have consequences.
Those crumbs are stale. If he decides that he wants the M to thrive he will work his back side off to prove it to you.
Being in pursuit of happiness or depressed does not trump ethics and does not excuse treating your spouse as s**t.
'Maybe it's over with her'
THIS MEANS IT'S NOT, OK? If it was, he would be telling you in no uncertain terms that it is over.
More crumbs than Hansel and Gretel there.
And yes, the depression sounds spookily similar to my H. We can't fix them, they have to grow up and take responsibility for their lives. And we need to do the same. Keep on GALing.
And Yorkie is so right, being depressed is not a licence to have an affair or to mistreat your spouse. Let's stop making excuses for these pathetic men children. They can choose how to behave towards us, just as we can choose how to behave towards them.
Thank you Yorkie and Dilly. I needed a reality check! I do think the A is still going on, but there is definitely trouble in paradise. There have been signs over the last week or so.
I agree, depression is no excuse to treat me this way. He is a big boy, he needs to act like one. It's hard to not try to fix him. Last night I had to fight the urge to go downstairs and apologize (again) for moving his things the way that I did. I convinced myself that he needs to just sit in the quiet and think about the consequences of his actions. I'm sure it is painful every time he opens the guest room door, we've shared our MBR for over 20 years. I hope it has some impact.
H says things to me like, "I see you, I notice you. It takes everything I have not to grab you and kiss you..." A month ago I was the reason he was "numb inside", the way I made him feel. Yesterday, he said he was to blame. That he tries to make me out to be the bad guy, but it's not true. That I have put up with so much, lying, addiction etc. and that he can't even just give this (M) to me right now. Trying to keep me on the back burner, I'm sure.
As he said all this, I began to realize that we've been here before. I've heard those words before. Through all the bumps in the road over the past 28 years, this is so familiar to me.
The good thing about letting him talk last night is that it eased the tension after I moved his things out. Through all of the lies, the crumbs, there were some nuggets of honesty in there, not in terms of our relationship, just about life. The fact that he hates his job and feels like he can't get out. When he got to his breaking point, what led up to it. I believe him because I saw it, but I didn't do anything about it. I tried to talk to him, but I was distracted and detached. I'm not taking responsibility for anything other than my part.
I am trying to do my own thing and keep my distance, but it is hard when you live in the same small house. Getting his things out of the MBR also reduces my urge to snoop, which is good for everyone, especially me.
I appreciate all the support here! It certainly helps to keep me sane!
I'm not sure I have much of value to contribute, but it's ridiculous that he's been having an affair, saying he wants to separate, and is surprised and upset that you moved his stuff out of the MBR.
"I never said our relationship was over, that I wanted to end things. People separate, work things out, and get back together."
Yes, people sometimes get back together when they both commit to each other again and do the hard work of fixing themselves and their relationship. That does not mean you should carry on like everything's normal while he has an affair and muses out loud about leaving the house. Would he skip half the days at work, miss deadlines, and tell his boss, "No need for you to take action, sometimes people are bad employees for a spell then get it together again."
CSL- I think you are doing really well.
I am also 28 years married and it's difficult to think that all that investment in a R has come to this.
I have one phrase that I keep in my head when I found explicit texts to the downgrade and I recall it when I start to do mental somersaults.
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "I'm so relieved it's out in the open because it's been really hard on me, living a double life"
Pure f***wit gold.
I'll bet you've got your own version.
I sometimes think the WAS is more self-pitying than the LBS, I'm pretty sure mine is. That will be because they took the gutless, spineless way out of a marriage rather than looking at themselves and their role in it and doing the work to fix themselves and the M. Whereas we can see that we're actually a victim here so we work hard to NOT have a victim mentality (really not easy)...
I have one phrase that I keep in my head when I found explicit texts to the downgrade and I recall it when I start to do mental somersaults.
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "I'm so relieved it's out in the open because it's been really hard on me, living a double life"
Pure f***wit gold.
I'll bet you've got your own version.
Wow Yorkie! I'm speechless. It's amazing to me how selfish someone can be. Someone we have spent most of our lives with. Someone I do not even recognize anymore.
I sometimes think the WAS is more self-pitying than the LBS, I'm pretty sure mine is. That will be because they took the gutless, spineless way out of a marriage rather than looking at themselves and their role in it and doing the work to fix themselves and the M. Whereas we can see that we're actually a victim here so we work hard to NOT have a victim mentality (really not easy)...
I agree! I keep thinking to myself, would it have been that hard to just talk to me? To tell me you were struggling? Why? And why risk everything? His children will never look at him the same way. That breaks my heart. As he tried to minimize his affair, which he says is not.... he calls it "talking", such BS, I asked him if he thought his children would think it was a big deal. If he told them he was "talking" with OW, would they think it was ok?
The LBS is left behind to do all the work, to deal with all of the pain. Yet, he still pulls me right back in to feeling bad for him. At this point I am doing my best to stay busy while I am at home so I do not have to interact with him. It's too easy to fall right back into old routines.
There is a big part of me that just wants my H to leave. Why am I allowing him to stay here, in our home, while his carries on with OW? I must be insane....
I feel like he is sobataging his ability to move out sometimes. Money is tight at the moment because of a big repair to our home which is draining our savings, but if he were to curb his spending habits he could leave. He has never been great with $, but he is certainly spending more than his norm. Most of it is on chewing tobacco and nicotine gum, I think, who knows..... I'm not even sure I care anymore. The point is, if he would tighten his purse strings he would have more than enough $ to go.
I had a bit of an epiphany the other day... I was considering buying a lottery ticket and I began to think about what I would do if I won. Usually I would think about what I would do with my winnings, but my first thought was that I would contact a lawyer, not my H, a lawyer.
Journaling
Last night my grandmother passed away. She was my step-grandmother, but a grandmother figure in my life for over 30 years. She lived a beautiful and long life, well into her 90s. I am sad, but did not want her to suffer any longer. I called my H to tell him as he was on his way home, when he came in he talked about how sad it was. He did not offer a hug, nor was I open to one.
My daughter called soon after and I was on the phone with her for well over an hour. H came and knocked on MBR door later to see what I was doing. I was on my computer and shutting it as he opened the door, he questioned why I jumped up so fast, was I still on the phone? What was I doing? I was not my typical bubbly self, I just simply said, "No, I got off the phone a little while ago. I was finishing up homework and stuff. I have a big day tomorrow, I'm going to bed." He asked about my plans, I gave a quick response and walked into my room, goodnight.
At first, I wanted my H to be by my side during the upcoming services. To feel his arms around me, to feel his support. Now, I'm not so sure. I am angry that he will be socializing with my family while I know he is carrying on with OW. They have no idea, they love him, they will praise him and talk about how wonderful he is. Meanwhile, I know the truth.
Sorry for your loss. HUGS
I am so sorry for your loss. ((((HUGS))))
Lots and lots fo temp checking today. H offered up that if I needed to talk, or needed support right now he was here for me. He told me he waited up for me to come and talk to him last night, but I never came down. I simply said thank you, I appreciate the support. An hour later he pretty much texted me the same thing. I guess he didn't get the response he was hoping for the first time. Again, a simple thank you reply. He continued to text me throughout the day about things that we can discuss tonight. He does this to me all. the. time.....
Lots and lots fo temp checking today. H offered up that if I needed to talk, or needed support right now he was here for me. He told me he waited up for me to come and talk to him last night, but I never came down. I simply said thank you, I appreciate the support. An hour later he pretty much texted me the same thing. I guess he didn't get the response he was hoping for the first time. Again, a simple thank you reply. He continued to text me throughout the day about things that we can discuss tonight. He does this to me all. the. time.....
Then it sounds like you are DB correctly! He is starting to wonder what has gotten into you and why you no longer chase after him.
Lots and lots fo temp checking today. H offered up that if I needed to talk, or needed support right now he was here for me. He told me he waited up for me to come and talk to him last night, but I never came down. I simply said thank you, I appreciate the support. An hour later he pretty much texted me the same thing. I guess he didn't get the response he was hoping for the first time. Again, a simple thank you reply. He continued to text me throughout the day about things that we can discuss tonight. He does this to me all. the. time.....
Then it sounds like you are DB correctly! He is starting to wonder what has gotten into you and why you no longer chase after him.
It's tricky to find the right balance. I'm trying not to be too cold, but I am angry, and hurt. I am trying to detach from those emotions.
H just called to ask if he could bring me home something for dinner. I simply said, "I already ate, thank you." He asked a few more questions, talked about his day and then asked me about mine. I simply said that my day was great, everything went really well (it did!). He was obviously annoyed at my short response, his tone changed, and he quickly said goodbye. In the past I would worry that he was upset or angry and try to fix it, but I'm done. I am not his friend right now. He is cheating on me- why would I want to chat him up?
I'm sorry for your loss, CSL. Detachment from your H sounds like the most positive and healthy thing from you right now. You can't have care and support rom him and because he is cheating on you, you don't want it (and rightly so). But I hope you are getting care and support from friends and family.
I'm sorry for your loss, CSL. Detachment from your H sounds like the most positive and healthy thing from you right now. You can't have care and support rom him and because he is cheating on you, you don't want it (and rightly so). But I hope you are getting care and support from friends and family.
Thank you Alison. I have a great support system. Not many know what is going on right now, but those that do are taking great care of me.
H was clearly annoyed with the situation this morning. Telling me he hopes I know he is just worried about me with all that I am going through. I thanked him for his concern, and said I appreciate the support as I would have done the same for him. He told me he is trying to be cordial, trying to check in, and sometimes he calls just out of habit. I told him appreciate that he thinks of me. I know I should just leave it at that, but..... I told him that I cannot be his friend while he is cheating on me. He rolled his eyes and said, "so I can't go to the gym, or talk to people on the phone?" I told him as long as he was contacting OW, I could not be his friend. He said OK and walked out the door in a huff.
What does he expect? He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and for some reason he thinks I should be ok with that?! He will not admit that this is an affair, only that it is inappropriate to be "talking" with OW. I know it has gone beyond that. He admits that it is not fair to me, he understands (or says he does) that is hurts me, but insists it is not what I think. I know better..... Until he is ready to admit that, I feel we have no chance at R.
I don't think there will be any temp checking today, haha. And I'm ok with that
CSL,
Sorry for your loss, truly am.
Glad to hear you have a good support system helping you out. Use them.
Heres the 2x4 for the day:
You made a clear statement about tolerance the day you moved his sh**t out of your bedroom. A statement that showed that you were not his friend, a statement that showed that you are not tolerant in regards to his activities with OW.
You are drained, you are hurt and you are definitely hurting from this loss you are experiencing, so I say this with the upmost respect, but I say it, because I want to help you...
Stop engaging in his cake eating conversations - Your husband, is engaging in affair like activities with another woman, and he is fine with that. That just shows how little he thinks about you.. its all about him... Actions, actions, you, you, you....
Please... You are doing good, move forward... By taking the bait, you are coming off as weak and thats not doing you any favor...
Heres how it could had panned out:
CSL: "I can't be your friend when you are cheating on me, Husband".
Husband: "What?! I can't have friends and go to the gym?!"
CSL: "We both know what is really going on."
End of conversation.
Lots of thoughts and condolences from my side of the pond.
CSL,
Sorry for your loss, truly am.
Glad to hear you have a good support system helping you out. Use them.
Heres the 2x4 for the day:
You made a clear statement about tolerance the day you moved his sh**t out of your bedroom. A statement that showed that you were not his friend, a statement that showed that you are not tolerant in regards to his activities with OW.
You are drained, you are hurt and you are definitely hurting from this loss you are experiencing, so I say this with the upmost respect, but I say it, because I want to help you...
Stop engaging in his cake eating conversations - Your husband, is engaging in affair like activities with another woman, and he is fine with that. That just shows how little he thinks about you.. its all about him... Actions, actions, you, you, you....
Please... You are doing good, move forward... By taking the bait, you are coming off as weak and thats not doing you any favor...
Heres how it could had panned out:
CSL: "I can't be your friend when you are cheating on me, Husband".
Husband: "What?! I can't have friends and go to the gym?!"
CSL: "We both know what is really going on."
End of conversation.
Lots of thoughts and condolences from my side of the pond.
Thank you for the 2x4 Hurt213. I continue to let me emotions get the best of me. H thinks he is just being kind to me- checking in, etc. But really it is all about making himself feel better.
I think you're right - he's seeking reassurance that you still need him. He wants to know you still look to him to have your emotional needs met. I think Hurt213's suggestion is spot on - you don't have to argue the toss with him about his infidelity, but neither should you participate in a lie or enable his dishonesty. I hope you are feeling okay today.
I think you're right - he's seeking reassurance that you still need him. He wants to know you still look to him to have your emotional needs met. I think Hurt213's suggestion is spot on - you don't have to argue the toss with him about his infidelity, but neither should you participate in a lie or enable his dishonesty. I hope you are feeling okay today.
Thank you Alison. I am doing well today. Right now I just feel done. It's such a roller coaster. One minute I want to save my marriage, the next I'm not so sure. And the truth of it is, I do still need him. But, I do not want to continue a relationship with a lying cheater.
I am not looking forward to H coming home tonight as I know it will be tense and uncomfortable. That might be good for H, I want him to wallow a bit in that uncomfortableness. I have been making it far too easy for him to eat cake.
I am torn....
I have read a lot on this forum about how important it is to give it everything you've got. To show your children that you did everything you could to save your marriage. I want to save my marriage. I want to restore my family. I truly do. But what about when there is an affair? What kind of an example am I setting for my adult children? I do not want them to think this is acceptable behavior in any relationship.
I don't think you can save your marriage on your own. You can protect yourself from unacceptable behaviour, work on yourselves, and be willing to do the work of saving your marriage if and when your H comes to the table. He isn't at the table so at the moment there isn't a marriage to save.
I know what you mean. I'm wrestling with myself at the moment - wondering whether to throw in the towel or not. I think of my children and that is a heavy part of my decision.
I am torn....
I have read a lot on this forum about how important it is to give it everything you've got. To show your children that you did everything you could to save your marriage. I want to save my marriage. I want to restore my family. I truly do. But what about when there is an affair? What kind of an example am I setting for my adult children? I do not want them to think this is acceptable behavior in any relationship.
Yes, but perhaps you are setting the example of how you both worked through a very difficult time in the marriage. How to truly forgive and make the marriage better than it was before. In this day and age it's easier to walk away, that's what most people will tell you "kick him to the curb!"
Like Alison said, you are not there yet. Perhaps you won't get there. Focus on you.
BTW, I need to take my own advice.
[/quote]
Yes, but perhaps you are setting the example of how you both worked through a very difficult time in the marriage. How to truly forgive and make the marriage better than it was before. In this day and age it's easier to walk away, that's what most people will tell you "kick him to the curb!"
Like Alison said, you are not there yet. Perhaps you won't get there. Focus on you.
BTW, I need to take my own advice. [/quote]
Thank you HBWife!
Who knows if we will ever get there. Right now I'm not so sure. Either way, perhaps I will show my children how to forgive, in time. My uncle cheated on my aunt and his children never forgave him. Only one child even speaks to him. He is still with the OW 20 yrs later. He does not know his grandchildren, and probably never will. It is very sad, but they were devastated. I do not want that for my children.
I am really feeling like I just need to let him go. I think I will be devastated if he moves out, but I think it may be the only way I can truly detach, and perhaps he will see what he is losing. Maybe he won't.
I guess I just need to continue to work on me. He'll leave if he wants to. It is definitely a bit awkward right now. Very little conversation between us and we are both keeping a bit of distance. He seemed almost proud as he left this afternoon without telling me where he was going. I think he thinks he is punishing me because I said I did not want to be his friend. I'm ok with it- he was probably going to feed me some lie anyway.
I just sat down and figured out my budget for the next 4 months for when/if H moves out. He of course will have to contribute to the household bills- mortgage and other loans. I think I can live fairly comfortably without him.
H is still calling me. Apparently he could only stop for one day. It amazes me that I feel more at peace when he just leaves me alone. Part of me thinks he is having trouble breaking habits, such as calling me on the way home, bringing me home dinner, etc. And of course leaving those crumbs to keep me hanging on as his plan B. Yet, the other part of me thinks it is guilt. He was probably just with OW. Through snooping in the past, I have noticed that a few times I think he was with OW he has texted me to check in. Phone records show he calls me right after he talks to her. It probably eases his guilt.
I don't think you can save your marriage on your own. You can protect yourself from unacceptable behaviour, work on yourselves, and be willing to do the work of saving your marriage if and when your H comes to the table. He isn't at the table so at the moment there isn't a marriage to save.
I know what you mean. I'm wrestling with myself at the moment - wondering whether to throw in the towel or not. I think of my children and that is a heavy part of my decision.
Thank you AlisonUK.
I just watched a video clip about digging deep and asking yourself, "Do I really want to be married to this person?' It was about really taking the time and processing. Sifting through the fear, the wanting to get rid of the hurt, the longing for memories, etc. I don't think I have the answer yet. I think I will figure it out throughout this journey. I need to remember my situation is still young (12 weeks), nothing is going to change overnight.
My heart goes out to you CSL.
Thank you SoloFlex. I wish you the best in your situation as well.
I think you're right - he's seeking reassurance that you still need him. He wants to know you still look to him to have your emotional needs met. I think Hurt213's suggestion is spot on - you don't have to argue the toss with him about his infidelity, but neither should you participate in a lie or enable his dishonesty. I hope you are feeling okay today.
Thank you Alison. I am doing well today. Right now I just feel done. It's such a roller coaster. One minute I want to save my marriage, the next I'm not so sure. And the truth of it is, I do still need him. But, I do not want to continue a relationship with a lying cheater.
I am not looking forward to H coming home tonight as I know it will be tense and uncomfortable. That might be good for H, I want him to wallow a bit in that uncomfortableness. I have been making it far too easy for him to eat cake.
Why do you need him? Thats codependency. You dont "need" anyone but yourself. You "want" him. Thats perfectly fine. Get yourself to the point where you want yourself to be happy and that no matter ehat, you will do what is necessary to get that. Love yourself first. Take care of yourself first. Better yourself for yourself.
I think you're right - he's seeking reassurance that you still need him. He wants to know you still look to him to have your emotional needs met. I think Hurt213's suggestion is spot on - you don't have to argue the toss with him about his infidelity, but neither should you participate in a lie or enable his dishonesty. I hope you are feeling okay today.
Thank you Alison. I am doing well today. Right now I just feel done. It's such a roller coaster. One minute I want to save my marriage, the next I'm not so sure. And the truth of it is, I do still need him. But, I do not want to continue a relationship with a lying cheater.
I am not looking forward to H coming home tonight as I know it will be tense and uncomfortable. That might be good for H, I want him to wallow a bit in that uncomfortableness. I have been making it far too easy for him to eat cake.
Why do you need him? Thats codependency. You dont "need" anyone but yourself. You "want" him. Thats perfectly fine. Get yourself to the point where you want yourself to be happy and that no matter ehat, you will do what is necessary to get that. Love yourself first. Take care of yourself first. Better yourself for yourself.
Thank you So Torn. You are right! I don't need him. And I'm not even so sure I even want him at this point. I do want to be happy. I opened up my own bank account today. I felt empowered. I'm getting my finances in order and planning a summer vacation with my 3 grown children, alone. I've been home sick for the past 2 days, so GAL has been tricky, but I've just been keeping busy and to myself for the most part.
I am really struggling with the patience piece. When I first started to GAL, H's interest was certainly piqued, asking lots of questions, texting, calling, checking in. I immediately got my hopes up until I realized that his interest was more of him ensuring I was still his plan B. Just keeping me on the hook. I continue to let my emotions get the best of me and react. One step forward, 2 steps back (maybe more, haha).
I am concerned for him, he is spiraling. H has an addictive personality, he has struggled with addiction in the past. His behaviors- tobacco, alcohol, porn, and of course, lies- are all increasing lately. I'm sure he hides all of this from OW. But, we have been here before. It got worse before it got better. Perhaps this will be how he hits rock bottom.
Feeling a bit down today.
H is off for the day. He is participating in an obstacle race with several members from the gym, including OW, on Mother's Day!! Obstacle races are something he and I used to do together, so it stings even more. I'm trying not to show my H how much this is hurting me today, but he knows. When he signed up for the race he said it didn't feel right b/c it was always "our thing". Hmmmm..... that didn't stop him though. He knocked on my door to wish me a happy MD before he left, and asked me about my day. I said thank you, gave him a quick response and said goodbye. I am so hurt by his actions, I don't even want to look at him. This may be my breaking point.
Today I will visit my mom for a bit, talk to my kids, get some homework done, and have a quiet day to myself. I'm still pretty sick, but I think I will treat myself to some shopping and get out of the house.
I think maybe it is time for him to leave. Time for a physical separation. I can no longer live like this, I need to protect myself emotionally and financially. His spending habits are out of control lately. H seems perfectly happy with our current arrangement, coming and going as he pleases the last few days, checking in with me to ease his guilt so he can feel like a good guy.
At this point, do I approach him and ask him to leave? Give him a deadline? Or wait for him to bring it up again?