Dead man walking - DivorceBusting.com

This is my new thread

old one �> http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2840171&page=1

Thanks AS , I do need to get better at the validation part . I was caught off guard. My boundary will be � I am not going to live with someone who is actively involved with someone else , if it continues from here in any form then I will arrange for the sale of our house and for us to separate fully . � I do mean it and I want to ensure she understands it fully . Fixing the house up had many benefits, increased the value , occupied my mind and after a good job done I always feel a lot better and stronger.

So she said she was going to go and stay the night at her cousins, yeah right . I encouraged her and say she should as I am sure she has been stressed recently. She said her cousin would only respond when she felt like it so it is up in the air . I said cool , I am going to go and do some shopping and maybe meet up with someone later. So I guess I have to judge the timing of the boundary soon .

I feel a lot better and I can only win each way tbh . If she�s lying, then we are finished, if not then lots of dbing for me to go . There is a good chance she is just stringing me along until she can be in a better position, we will see .

Anyone have any idea when to state the boundary? We are going out for a meal tonight and SD is staying out . I don�t want to say it at the time if she chooses that path . Tbh she does know it although badly stated.

So the game is afoot , she is stalling me , maybe testing me , time to man up and accept the truth, she has gone . I guess it is a battle of wills , why does it have to come to this , world don�t like game playing, I am very close to throwing the towel in , I am worth more than this . I guess she is setting me free , kinda funny when I have been trying to do this for her , us humans are funny things ....

Why play this game , Release me , do what you need to do , let me be free and stop holding me as the demon in your live . Throw whatever test you need I will pass , but eventually you will kill my love with your absurd behaviour, I deserve better than you can offer , we are getting close to the end of the road , when you have killed the last vestibule of love then you must own the consequences, you will lose someone you won�t find again and I won�t do rewinds . I know this won�t make sense , but I am just venting and will stay on the dB path to a greater me

Who can clear my fog to the truth , I am confused beyond reason , I understand I am under the microscope but I am only human and I have my limits , any weaknesses and I lose I guess

There is a game being played on me and I don�t know the rules . I guess I just carry on and wait .be patient and not let the hurt back . Do I just let her carry on , I am sure she has just gone deep undercover with her antics . I assume that it will be midweek now

TH,

Affairs are like an addiction it's like trying to give up crack. She doesn't fear losing you so she has no reason to give up the pipe.

We had a great night had dinner went for a walk , she had some wine I had cola . We had fun and a laugh. We are spending a lot of time together. She wants to go out again later today . Currently I am a bit nervous around her , this has to stop . I need to detach, any pointers anyone on the best way. 4 weeks in and it�s still hard for me

I should explain the title of this thread . It is from a movie (I love movies ) with Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon , I also read on one of the posts as if you consider you are dead already that�s how soldiers fight best and that�s how we could consider thinking.

I am still on a rollercoaster, but I need to fix myself and refocus on myself. I am determined to do the right thing. Continue the gym , taking care of myself and not obsessing about what could be going on . I seem very adverse to any sort of adultry type tv or movies or stories . I have lots to keep me busy and that helps . When I am low I still struggle to eat but most of the time I can do it .

I guess I am strong enough to endure and DB myself to a better place , making sure the 180�s stick ( no drinking, eating, smiling more , not being lazy , letting the small stuff go , becoming more sociable dressing better and taking care of myself)

I need to do some more introspection and improve myself

Tryhard, I love that movie and the reference.

I tried responding earlier, but my internet konked out or something.

You are doing your best. Give yourself grace. You are absolutely strong enough to do this. You've already decided to stop drinking and that is incredible! Here's how I see it, will you ever regret fighting for your M? Will you ever say, man I should have just given up and been a jerk and told her where to go and not worked on my own issues?

Hang in there! You aren't alone. Detachment is a process.

Thanks 97 , it is hard . I am trying, it�s just the waiting times , I cannot keep going all the time and when I stop my mind wanders and I am on a rollercoaster of doubt , she just kissed me on the cheek when she left , could be to meet someone, I don�t seem to realise that she doesn�t seem to care about me . I need to DB better on me

The waiting is awful. As I type that out I realize that I want to tell you not to look at is as waiting. My mom tells me 'live your life!' so instead of looking at the sitch as waiting, why not look at is as 'time to work on ourselves'. Do what we want, when we want?

I hope I don't sound insensitive, but I'm talking to myself here, too. I can easily get on that rollercoaster, but the cost is my emotional equilibrium and I've decided not to give that to him. So when I start spinning, I find something other to do. For me, praise and worship music helps. Comedies, walks, talking to the dog, driving out to watch my cows eat, anything but sit or pace. and dwell. and think. Doesn't help, usually hurts, and I turn into a ginormous ball of sad.

I'm happy for you that you got a kiss. Consider it a sweet gesture and nothing else. I got a hug and made myself not read anything into it. lol had to talk myself down the whole drive home. May or not mean anything, don't go there! (is what I tell me).

Thanks so much for that , I will take it in . I guess I will have an update later

So last night was minor eventful . She was going out for dinner with an old friend who was having issues . I got this text Staying at Sally' s so she will bring me back in the morning x

Smelling a rat I drove to where I thought she might be BEFORE she sent the text , at a bar !!

I phoned her she refused the call . I sent this text

I cannot live how we are whilst you are sleeping with another man . We will fix the house up and get it sold by the end of the month

She turns up at 08:45 and pretends to be asleep on the couch . I said get up we are busy today I left her alone and about 30 mins she turns up all somber . I carry on small bit of small talk whilst I am replacing an outside light . Then she goes out and comes back with a box of cigars!! This threw me off a bit . Carried on more smiles and talk then I discussed about the front of the house , she said wood bark , I said I thought we agreed slate , she said yes if we were staying, I stayed quiet and carried on . About 20 mins later I found her and said � just to be clear we are selling and no funny business �

She said she was going to cook dinner later , I said fine .

Should I continue so spend time with her or try to avoid her ? Do I continue to support her emotionally etc ?

T,

You are all over the board my friend. One minute you are selling the house and pursuing a D and the next minute you are asking if you should spend time with her and support her emotionally.

Is supporting a woman who is married to you while she is sleeping with another man strong behavior or weak behavior?

Thanks dood , she is being super nice , just wanted to make sure , I am too impatient. I am newish at this and am expecting her to suddenly realise and wake up . I guess it is fear , or manipulation that driving her . She is a great person apart from this one thing . That is what makes it hard . So unless she does the honest give up og and commit to us then my boundary stands . 2x4 me again and again I haven�t learned much in 4 weeks that has stuck

T,

Have you read up on boundaries? You set a boundary, she broke it so what are the consequences?

This is why we don't like newbies setting boundaries early on.

You set it, she broke it, no consequences which makes you look weak which lowers her respect for you which lowers her attraction for you which pushes her towards OM.

Hi TryHard. Thanks for your comments and suggestions on my thread.

I wonder if checking up on her and following her is the best thing for you right now. You have already let her know what your boundary is, and you seem certain she is in an active affair in spite of it. Why do you need more evidence? Why do you need to have more conversations with her about it?

I am no expert, but my IC told me that you never need to do much talking or explaining of boundaries. You just take your action as you see fit. I end phone calls when my H starts speaking to me disrespectfully and I tell him why. When I try to convince him to keep to my boundary it never works. Apparently, the less you say and the more quietly and firmly and consistently you act, the better.

Thanks TH and Alison. I am as a complete mess and I was reading lots of posts from people and there seem to be very few MR recoveries. That was telling me to go all in and push an answer so I can move on . I need to heal and I cannot do it whilst the woman I love is living with me in the same house . I cannot wait 2 years of abject misery in the slim chance it will work out . I know there are no answers or quick fixes but I need my sleep and to eat , if it means a harsh confrontation then I will do it . I am moving ahead with selling the house and yes I do hope she changes her mind , but I am aware she will be playing and testing me

So I am impatient, that is something I will take from all of this and it has helped me to slow down a bit . I think maybe drinking was a way that I used to slow myself down . I need to learn do do it on my own . My 180�s have been useful and give me pride . Baby steps are good , and I am now focusing on doing what works and not worrying about the why . Try something new to get different results. Some of these contradict each other someoso I need to weigh up which is appropriate.

I have been thinking about why went with the boundary statement . 3 reasons . 1) to express that I knew what she had done and lied to me 2) to stop her seeing om 3) to try and save the love I have for her dying. But mostly I think to get her back . I truly felt I had let her go yesterday, but today I am a mess . Glad I have no temptation to drink again as that would make things worse if I did . I also have been reading Sandi�s posts and was trying to get the fear of loss and the wake up to what the reality will be if we go our own ways .

She is being ultra nice to me since then but I know it is just manipulating me to try to let her continue to do what she wants . I also don�t want any arguments and for things to continue to be civil but today it has hit me again and I want to just find somewhere to crawl up in and sleep/ hide .

I know I will feel better shortly and need to get the PMA and act as if all will be fine ( it will) just need to stop wallowing and get moving.

Hi TryHard

boundaries aren't about getting your wife to do anything. She will do whatever she wants no matter what you do or don't do. Boundaries won't stop her seeing the OM or get her to come back or save any love you have from dying. Boundaries are about protecting yourself.

Thanks , I was just going explaining why I did it

tryhard, Alison is right, and you seem to already know, that #2 was bad. It was trying to control her. You can't. It set expectations for you. You shouldn't. You admit to being impatient. This will kill you in DBing. I am coming to the belief that the #1 requirement for DBing is patience. Finally, if she were to cross the boundary, what is the consequence, and are you REALLY ready to follow through with that consequence?

As far as how you are feeling today. Completely normal. I remember the first 6-8 weeks of my sitch. Man the emotional swings were intense. One day I would be ready to move on, actually excited about the future without her. To the next day feeling like my world was going to end if she left. Felt like there was almost no in-between. Hang in there it does get better. You have the right idea, staying busy is important.

Thanks Steve , just trying to refocus . Appreciate the support from you and Alison and LH and hope and everyone

It's really hard. We try to control not because we're awful people, but because we're in pain and we're trying to find a way to make it stop. Keeping busy and caring for ourselves and letting time pass is the only way and it is very very hard - I am still struggling day by day myself.

That makes sense, I am not posting on other peoples threads for a while as I am not in the right frame of mind , keep up the good work Alison

So we had a meal out together. Had a great time , a car was driving to towards us when we got out of the car and she wasn�t looking so I held my arm out to warn her , she misunderstood and held my hand . I panicked and almost walked in front of the car , she asked if I was trying to kill us both

I had been doing so well up until now and made a joke of it and undone some of the damage . We did kiss later and I went to bed after we listened to some music .

I have to still take it slow , I will NOT be her gay bff. I have to let her go I guess

Feeling drained at the moment , listening, supporting, being happy and active whilst little sleep and worry and fear of what she is doing. We are out tomorrow for dinner. Just holding on . I think since I am doing my best if it falls flat at least I have done my best and I expect the anger will help me not be soft when we come to sell the home . Onwards to destiny:)

Reminds me a quote from sgt. Barnes in the film platoon. � shut up and take the pain , take the pain �

Why do you keep feeding her cake?

It is draining, isn't it TryHard? I am in a better place this week than I was last week, and the thing that has made the difference is to turn my attention away from H and stop trying to get him to do whatever it is I think I want him to do to make me feel calmer, more secure, more trusting, more safe, more loved. Instead I am working on giving those things to myself. It is a bumpy and uneven process and I am sure I will be in dark places again. The exhaustion of treading through the awful into the unknown is real. But I have learned I have more ability than I thought I did to comfort and care for myself, and I don't want to lose that. Is there something kind you can do for yourself today - some way you can make yourself feel better that doesn't rely on your W doing or being or saying anything at all?

Thanks Alison for empathising with me , I know you have/ are having similar difficulties. I will take a walk and sit by the river later and listen to some music .

LH , I understand what you are saying and it will stop after this weekend.

That sounds positive. It really is very very difficult and I do get it. And it is easy to look from the outside and judge someone else's actions (we do that too, I think, to our spouses) but harder to remember that most of our unwise decisions and wobblies come from the fact that we're in awful terrible pain and flailing about trying to get that to stop and get ourselves into a place of security and safety. I know when I've behaved in ways that aren't good for my marriage or myself, or accepted behaviour that isn't acceptable from others, it isn't because I am stupid or weak or mean, it is because I am hurting. I think looking inside with as much compassion as you can always helps. Some days it isn't possible, but I hope you get to do some of that when you're down by the river listening to your music today. You deserve it.

You are a lovely person Alison, hopefully I can learn some of your compassion when I am not so hurt

Try,

I've not read through your thread yet, however I wanted to chime in, and let you know, that I am rooting for you, and I will catch up on your story.

You are hurting, because, you are human, and we are a complicated species. One of the reasons for that is, that we are so advanced on a kognitive level. That leads us to form relationships with our mates, that are, if we are lucky, lifelong. However, this is rarely the case these days, and we end up hurt, betrayed, and with a sense of not belonging anywhere.

We bond ourselves to our mates, we form attachments so very strong, that they define who we are as people. This is putting ourselves in a really vulnerable place because by doing this, we loose the individual strength, that defines us as a person. This is something we do willingly, because we trust in our mate - however when this bond is broken, we end up belonging no where, because we have given up on a lot of our identity, to be part of the former relationship.

You are hurting, because you are trying to put back the pieces. Who am I really on my OWN, what do I really WANT to achieve with my life? what makes ME happy? These are questions you are going to deal with now, and that is scary, because this is your journey. A journey that involves nobody but you - nobody is giving you input, you need to shape yourself. Only you knows, what the best version of you is.

When you detach, you are able to reflect upon yourself, and in time (not instantly, but in time), you will be curious, you will be motivated, and you will find the strength, to answer these questions. By undertaking this journey, you will find yourself, you will be whole again, and you will realize, that you are not dependent on anyone in able to be happy, however you will in time be able to realize, that you are enough by yourself.

Get to the point, where you love yourself, so you are able to love others. Do not rush this journey, you can't. You might be able to convince yourself that you are healed, but this is a long journey. Embrace it, and you will be allright.

Let your spouse do whatever, even though it hurts, because you can either curl up on the floor, being the victim, being sad, being depressed, and waste a WHOLE lot of time - this is not attractive, or you can grieve while you work on yourself, and get up from that floor, work on bettering yourself. Define your identity, set some goals for your life, and make this all about you - this will:

1. make you detach.
2. allow you to live instead of wasting precious time sobbing.
3. create the possibility of creating and reaching the dreams you forgot about.
4. open the door for a possibility of reconciliation / meeting the partner you never could have dreamed of.

The possibilities are endless, however they only become endless once you decide to live in the present, and live for you.

I hurt too, and still do on occasion, we loved with all our heart, and some part of us always will, but in the end, we can't live through others. That is wasting our lives, and that is sad. Be strong, be wise - go cry and then start the journey towards your epic life. You are writing the screenplay every day you wake up. Do you want to live in a horror movie or do you want to be the mysterious James Bond? its all on you my friend.

Stay strong.

TH,
Thanks for all your encouragement on my thread.
You know I can empathize with your pain. I am moving on, moving forward, even as I stay committed. This is not easy.

I have a good and wise friend. She always reminds me, �If you weren�t in pain, I would worry about you.� Another friend tells me, �Be patient and give yourself time to feel the pain.�

Those of us here are a self-selecting group. We choose to be here because we still care for and love our spouses. I hope you can continue to find compassion and kindness in your dealings with your spouse. Rooting for you, TH.

Originally Posted by Tryhard

Reminds me a quote from sgt. Barnes in the film platoon. � shut up and take the pain , take the pain �

Sometimes that's what it comes down to! There's a saying we have in Crossfit- "embrace the suck." Sometimes you're going through something miserable and quitting is not an option. So you make the best of it that you can. You use it to mold yourself into something better, to strengthen your body and mind. Once you come out the other side of this you will be convinced that there is nothing you can't handle. When you've been through the lowest lows as we have, then the other stuff life throws at you seems pretty minor by comparison.

Quote

Feeling drained at the moment , listening, supporting, being happy and active whilst little sleep and worry and fear of what she is doing.

I bet you do feel drained. Always worrying about what to say or do, not knowing what the future holds, mind spinning a thousand miles an hour when you try to sleep! Going back to a Crossfit analogy again, sometimes we have workouts that we call "chippers" because they are long and drawn out and defy your ability to plan them out. So instead of going in with a game plan you go in with the intent of chipping away at it until it's done. To me that's what surviving BD, S and D is. It's not about formulating a plan and executing it, it's about chipping away at it day by day or even hour by hour. You just keep chipping and then one day you look up and it's done. The misery is gone, your sleep has returned, your W no longer controls your state-of-mind. So try not to sweat the future right now, just chip away at it.

I thought I should do a quick update . We have still been spending a lot of time together. My intel has been pretty accurate and I have kept things checked with some outside help . Now I feel as if I am beginning to not care and will let her go . With all the self care and working out at the gym I have a certain vigour building, I haven�t had the joy of being intermit with a lady for a long while and it has been a bit unpleasant with some leakage !!! ( gross)

I am contemplating whether it is a good thing to R as I don�t think I will be able to forgive and forget easily what has occurred. It seems unfair that I give and never receive. This is a big issue with how I behave, always giving , listening and understanding, when no one reciprocates . If I give any truth out it always ends I tears and I think I am beginning to not care .

How good it would be to have a kind caring partner. Without this forum I honestly believed there were no good people out there .

I will not settle for any Relationship that is not 2 way . I just see so many selfish people in this world and I think I need to understand where like minded people will be that I can interact with .

Next step is to get into meditation and see where that takes me . Love to all you good people

Focus on yourself. Stop doing stuff for others with an expectation that they will appreciate it and value it.

Originally Posted by Tryhard

I am contemplating whether it is a good thing to R as I dont think I will be able to forgive and forget easily what has occurred. It seems unfair that I give and never receive. This is a big issue with how I behave, always giving , listening and understanding, when no one reciprocates . If I give any truth out it always ends I tears and I think I am beginning to not care .

I think its okay to put your emotions on hold the best you can and not let them overwhelm you while you go through this. being put through the ringer is no fun. we have to find ways to deal with this the best way we can, one day at a time.

Originally Posted by Tryhard

How good it would be to have a kind caring partner. Without this forum I honestly believed there were no good people out there .

I will not settle for any Relationship that is not 2 way . I just see so many selfish people in this world and I think I need to understand where like minded people will be that I can interact with .

Next step is to get into meditation and see where that takes me . Love to all you good people

There are plenty of good people in the world outside of here. GAL and go meet them. I know there are some near you. People are not one sided. There's good and bad in all of us. I hear you though. You're hurting and it makes things look grim. It will get better.

Originally Posted by Tryhard

I am contemplating whether it is a good thing to R as I don�t think I will be able to forgive and forget easily what has occurred. It seems unfair that I give and never receive. This is a big issue with how I behave, always giving , listening and understanding, when no one reciprocates . If I give any truth out it always ends I tears and I think I am beginning to not care .

Hello TryHard. I have these thoughts a lot too. I don't think it's a bad idea to think about what kind of relationship you want going forward (accepting if you can, it might not be with your W). It is important to me too to be able to ask for things, to have some of my emotional needs met in a partnership, to be able to support someone else, to feel needed a little bit now and again, to have reciprocity and honesty. These aren't bad things. What I need to accept is that for many complicated reasons, that kind of relationship isn't on the table right now. So I need to concentrate on myself, on being the kind of person I want to be. I want to be kind - to be able to offer kindness without expecting or requiring anything in return. For the kindness I offer to be unconditional and not part of a manipulative strategy. To be able to withdraw and take care of my own needs or find other ways of having them met if the relationship doesn't offer that. To be able to tell the truth without using it as a weapon. I want to be that person not because I think it will win H back, but because I've spent a lot of time attempting to manipulate or control H into being kind and affectionate towards me, and I don't like myself when I am dishonest like that.

It is really really hard. Maybe my experience isn't useful to you - but just in case it is I thought I'd post it. I hope you're well and having a good weekend.

Quick update
The last 2 weeks have been interesting. We have spent the last 2 weekends together and there has been no physical contact with OM.I cannot be sure of other means but she did hang up on him when he rang the first weekend.
We ml twice the last weekend instigated by her .
Been a bit of spew but nothing I couldn�t handle .

We had a talk last night and she questioned my motifs, whether she could trust me and told me she felt I was stopping her from seeing her friends .

Of course I am keeping an eye to make sure and explained that I was hurt emotionally, but if she didn�t sleep with oms then I was happy for her to socialise how she wants . She told me she felt it wasn�t right that I had this stipulation!!!

I have been having trouble sleeping and eating still and she has noticed. Even though things have improved sitch wise I am still struggling

I need to not smother her and give her a break , which will be easier as she is going away with Sd and Sd friend for 10 days to visit her parents. This will give me some time to regroup and get the focus back .

When I am with her everything is fine , I can sleep and eat , without her .....

Originally Posted by Tryhard

Of course I am keeping an eye to make sure and explained that I was hurt emotionally, but if she didn�t sleep with oms then I was happy for her to socialise how she wants . She told me she felt it wasn�t right that I had this stipulation!!!

When I read $hit like this it makes me very angry. As my husband you have know right to tell me not to sleep with other men. WTF????? She's playing you for a fool and you keep spoon feeding her cake and the more cake you feed her the more respect she loses for you. I would also table the talks about how you are emotionally hurt right now.

Originally Posted by Tryhard

Even though things have improved sitch wise I am still struggling

What makes you think things have improved?

I know what you are saying LH . I did think WTF also .

As regards to the cake , I am feeding her , I have decided to fight as hard as I can until June time and then do the complete let her go

The improvements have been spending a lot of time together and her not sleeping with OM

TH, I think LH's point is that 2 weekends doesn't improvement make. When will you know she is done with the A and really ready to come back to the MR? When you see consistent behavior over a long period of time.

And her telling you things like you told us in: "We had a talk last night and she questioned my motifs, whether she could trust me and told me she felt I was stopping her from seeing her friends .

Of course I am keeping an eye to make sure and explained that I was hurt emotionally, but if she didn�t sleep with oms then I was happy for her to socialise how she wants . She told me she felt it wasn�t right that I had this stipulation!!! "

is not consistent behavior!! No WAW/WW that has shown improvement still says things like this.

So trust but verify. Continue working on yourself. Do not reacttach based on her initiating sex twice. WWs are master manipulators.

You are right Steve , that is why I am keeping a close eye . It helps she is a terrible liar . She will have an opportunity on Saturday as I am GAL until quite late .

I need to get the respect and attraction back . I am tall and slim build, so losing 3 stone was not a good look . Got 1 back quite easily, kinda stalled at the moment. Eating approx. 3k Cals a day .

Attraction I am ok(ish) still learning.....

Respect I struggle with and seem clueless any ideas anyone?

Yeah you make it crystal fuching clear you will not be in an open marriage.

LH , I like it !! It�s more than crystal clear , it�s trans dimensional effing clear . She wants the TH cake or OM not both .

I do believe that I have already stated that boundary, and as far as I know there has been none with quite a certainty as I have spent every evening and weekend together and unless she has a clone during the day that is covered too

Yep you already stated that boundary and she broke it with zero consequences which in-turn makes the boundary irrelevant and lowers your value.

I went back and looked and you have told me you would stop serving cake and you keep pushing that deadline back.

I hate to tell you this but she is playing you big time my friend.

Originally Posted by Tryhard

Respect I struggle with and seem clueless any ideas anyone?

First, respect yourself. That is the most important thing. No one will respect you if you don't have confidence in yourself and respect yourself. Second, always conduct yourself with the utmost dignity, even (in fact, especially) when those around you do not. Third, do not expect your W to respect you. She won't, not for a long time. Eventually if you get out, GAL, conduct yourself with dignity, she'll have no choice but to respect you. It will be the LAST thing she wants to do though.

Lh , I am aware I am taking a risk and I have moved my deadline back as 1 month from BD was too soon . If things continue the same way then I may extend it again , as long as boundary is not crossed . If I am being played then I think it will help me detach as she is being very nice as she always has been . I think she wants us to be friends and I am sure that she can do what she wants , which is not a game I am playing, it�s her choice.

AS , yes self respect is important as is confidence. It�s hard where I am at the moment and GAL I am finding difficult, I do go out once or twice a week on my own and the same with her . I know I have to do this myself but I am just on the bottom of the coaster at the moment. When we are out people naturally interact with me for some reason so I don�t think I will have problems when I can get on a bit more of an even keel

So just out of curiosity, if she goes out alone twice a week, how do you know she isn't with OM?

I go out twice a week , she�s there when I get back . Sure she could be but it would be a Herculean effort for 20 mins of madness

I have been contemplating how I think that many people don�t post all the info we get to see posted . Do we just get a one sided view ? I am sure she has booked her vacation next week to get away from me , but this is a good thing because it must be very hard having me spring back into life and confuse her as to what to do . I do feel sympathy and understand, but I am still fighting and the break will do me good to work in myself alone

Originally Posted by Tryhard

I have been contemplating how I think that many people don�t post all the info we get to see posted . Do we just get a one sided view ?

You mean here on the forums, oh yes, definitely. The WAW side of the story would be much different and probably quite compelling. I have read WAW stories posted on other forums and I can completely understand why many of them feel the way they do. I don't think it's grounds for BD, S and D. But they do make some solid points.

Originally Posted by Tryhard

I do go out once or twice a week on my own and the same with her

I am confused. Does she go out twice a week on her own?

No sorry I go out twice a week WITH her wasn�t very clear

Not to say it isn�t possible, she makes a point of letting me verify if she meets up with a friend, but I am meeting a friend in Saturday and she is doing the same , I smell a bit of something there but it will be impossible to completely verify that they aren�t booking a hotel and dashing in and out , but I think that is pushing on paranoia

AS , this is something I understand in my sitch , I cannot blame her really to seek solace and passion when I had enforced a S that she didn�t want and made little effort to reconnect with her . I guess when I found out about OM I realised that I had lost her. I don�t think people do things without a reason mostly. It�s just the lbh fog seems to be the thickest . Us men really need to learn R skills

Try hard I don't know how this is working for me so far in the long run, but I am noticing responsive difference in the immediate now. Forgive but don't forget. In order to attract them back to the marriage they have to have incentive to return to it. I think. Both the WW, and the WAW has a mindset that is over so many years, built up so much resentment and tally scorekeeping of all of our wrongs, rather than forgiving in the moment, and moving forward. Some of them have a rebellious mindset like the WW, some of them go through an MLC, and some of them build up so much resentment that they're unhappy, and start hunting for a new life with new hobbies or new people in them, guys under the predisposition of self empowerment, and independence. Either way what they're doing is wrong and selfish in my opinion, and shows their lack of commitment, and ability to forgive, although they justify it and their own minds.

Back to my point. Try getting your head and mind out of the past and out of the future, and being present in the moment, practice mindfulness in the here and with your W. Remove any and all problems from your mind when interacting with them if possible. Pleasant and happy with no stress if you can manage it, but also still having boundaries and standards if R talks do come up. Pay attention to what's being said and pay more attention to what's not being said and how she's responding. I'm not sure if I'm being delusional at this point but I'm think I'm starting to see a shift in responsiveness in my W.

Thanks ihclacs , I do 99% of the time , and we do get on really well together. I will catch up on your posts , I don�t like to comment if I cannot add anything as I am new

Tryhard, just out of curiosity, which of the sandi's rules didn't work for you?