Into The Great Wide Open - DivorceBusting.com

Link to my old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2828526&page=11

Update�so my issue from this morning is resolved. She had replied to me to say that �it was a bit much sweetie� and that when she doesn�t reply right away I just keep sending texts. Now what I�m sending is more about all that I want to tell her and not pursuit/where are you type texts, but I understand that is too much for her. If she did the same to me, I wouldn�t think twice about it, BUT as we all know from being here, listening and being responsive to the feelings of our partners even if we don�t necessarily agree with them is very important. I did reply that I understood how so many texts could seem too much to her and so since this afternoon, I�m more like playing tennis or at most two texts before she replies.

Ginger1: Thank you for your input. I�m following it. As I say I didn�t see this as an issue, but if it is to her then it IS an issue and I�ll adjust accordingly. So�I�m a few years older than I claim in my signature (39), she is 29. Yeah a lot younger than me.

Stander: Yes it is a good sign. For sure when there are things she does not like, she tells me and she knows I won�t find her rude or get upset. Her approach is so open and different from the complete closed down way my WW was. I definitely validated her feelings and apologized and as I say have quickly adjusted how I text. And we have let it go. Truly learned something today as I�d never heard nor thought HOW I texted was too much, but now I know. I do agree with those rules you use and have already started using them. And yes, she is (to me at least) way younger and you are right she does see me as you describe. When we met and she asked about my job and I told her she said �oh you don�t have a job, you have a career!� It surprised her I guess because so many guys aren�t stable/settled in employment. Was funny to me to hear that. And yes, I do know that rule and I�m definitely applying it. And the rest of this week and weekend I�m GAL�ing with friends and without her which I feel is important in a new relationship just like in DB.

Yes I did learn by listening to her feelings, validating them, apologizing and correcting my behavior to address the issue. Thing is from the start she was the one to call even FT, now she has cut back on that, but then earlier this week she wanted me to call her to say good night. Now today we�ve talked about our days, but she hasn�t called or hardly texted at all since she got off work. Almost like she�s testing me saying �ok, I told him this was an issue, let�s see if he has fixed it and can handle it�. Best part is that having been through my sitch on here, detaching and letting her go I feel I�m currently expert level at. She has done more of the calling to me and I�d like to be able to make that more even, but at the same time I don�t want to run into trouble with that as I did with text. I like her a great deal, she tells me she is very excited as well that we've met, but these early weeks of getting the balance so to speak right...just seem so unsettled/uncertain. It's really amazing to me how much I have learned and grown about relationships from my time here.

Really appreciate the support on this non-DB stuff. It is very cool to realize that much of what I learned to get me along in my DB sitch is applicable as well in my future relationships.

-B

The new female in my life is also quite a bit younger than I am. She is 13 years younger. However, she likes to text lol. I am the same as you though, I text very fast and can send several at once. I purposely toned it down.

This younger woman also told me I have a career. I'm glad you are moving on and seem to be happy. Couple more months for me to get completely away from my WW and fully start my new life without her. I cant wait. But I have to wait.

So I'm frustrated IF I actually having any dating sense or clueless IF I don't...

The whole one/two text deal...makes me feel like the primary way we had to communicate day to day has dried up. Very mechanical now from how it was pre "Overwhelming" By that I mean..."How was your day?" <time_passes> "it was pretty good" <time_passes> "how was your's?" <time_passes> "could have been better" And while I enjoy any communication with her, this back and forth is boring and gonna kill any excitement we might have between us over time.

so last night she's out to dinner with the girl who connected us. getting close to the time I need to sleep and while we've done the tennis text, she hasn't called me and I not her. so in my mind i wandering if she is like "will he call me, why hasn't he called me" as we've not talked, i decide just before bed to call...it goes to immediate VM even though she is tennis chatting me. she texts me "LOL I'm drunk" "I don't want to talk while I'm drunk ok?" Now to me that makes no sense, but it is her feeling/wish and I respect it, so a single text back "ok, I understand"

deal is I don't really...as much as i've drunk talked/dialed/texted/whatever i personally don't get it and that was going to be our one chance to speak that day, BUT I guess maybe with the alcohol maybe she'd say something she doesn't want me to hear?

anyway i'm frustrated...for the first 10 days of knowing each other I thought we had wonderful open communication on text/phone...now I'm "robot world" with text, she has basically stopped calling, but she is still calling me hon/sweetie on text, says she's excited about us and other good things...this morning i decided not to text her good morning, hope you have a good day. i've been doing that every morning for like a week and i'm just thinking that being so reliable is gonna get me good guy zoned/no challenge/no need for pursuit from her and maybe that everyday is a bit much. i really do like her a great deal especially how we've communicated up to now...just feeling frustrated because I don't feel we have a way to get to know one another like we did initially.

sorry for the rambling...

-B

ST...yes I was mindful of the content I text, but not the number of texts..clearly that is just as important even though she could text me that way and I wouldn't even think about it.

And yes, I am happy and moving on. Completing the financial splitting with my soon to be exW, sign the agreement and then she can file away. I would very much like for Miss Sunshine to be a part of my new future, but I'm hoping against hope that I don't screw it up. There just so much promise but uncertainty/confusion at the same time in terms of getting to know someone new. So much of DB is serving me well, but clearly so much I still have to learn. she is worth it for sure I fee. fingers crossed.

best of luck to you in your sitch and with your new lady!

-B

Ok, so I�ll be 39 this year myself and I 2 years ago I dated a 27 year old. It�s different he was about calling me ALL THE TIME. He would leave my house and call me on the way home. It made me nuts. I have a full time career and a daughter. I have to say , for 29 , I give her props for communication . She told you what she wanted in terms of a good night call:text, and told you what she felt was overwhelming. She seems inconsistent since things took off fast, but I think she is feeling out what works for her and what doesn�t.

About things coming so strong out of the gate..... it�s got to die down somewhere . Can�t keep that pace forever and that�s why I worry about the ones that�s come on so strong, from my experience, they fizz out just as quick.

AS made the best point. We don�t get to tell others how they feel. She felt overwhelmed, so she was overwhelmed, even if you feel she shouldn�t be. I think we all have done that wrong in our M�s or R�s.

And pure curiosity. How do you NOT see 10 texts with no response plus a phone call with no reasons was NOT overwhelming?!? That is your truth, of course, but yeah..... when someone sends one line texts after another, it�s like poking someone repeatedly.

So, communication all day throughout the day can�t be entertained. Phone calls every night? How do you do that with a kid?!? My phone calls have ended since the birth of my daughter 11 years ago. When 9:30 comes around and she�s asleep, so am I, lol

In reality, you won�t get the chance to have a phone call every day. Some days might just be good morning and goodnight because we got jobs, lives , kids....

I�ve been dating my boyfriend for 5 months there is always a good morning and good night ( sometimes no goodnigbtt bexause one of us passes out, lol, but we learned that about each other. Some days we are much more chatty than mother�s, not so much, depending on how life is happening.

Live in the moment. Don�t plan your future with her already. Stop worrying about �screwing it up� I�m guessing she�s the first since your ex? Well, truth is she may not be your future. But let her be your present and learn and grow from this.

DB comes in very handy while dating!

Sorry I�m not joining too much here B. Too much work here.

Just use the basics of DB everytime. Not only they fit but they let you get the best of yourself.

Take your time, be patient, relax. Don�t get into too much mind reading. It gets you anxious. You don�t need that.
Keep believing in Ballast, he is the right guy! PMA man!

So keep getting into amoafwl and go with it.

Sending hugs and patience waves from the summer here.

Feel the freedom B!

(((B)))

B,

Ginger hit on a lot of the things I wanted to comment on. Do you guys get together? Definitely mix things up with your contact, don't become predictable. You have to give her time and space to wonder about you.

Don't over analyze. Relax and enjoy the the experience and don't look too far into the future.

Ginger...yeah for sure we are not we are not calling all the time. And I am very happy with her communication. She has been proactive in contacting me, she is open/honest in her needs, she is apologetic (even though there's no need for her to be) when she is busy and can't talk. Yes she is attractive, but these deeper positive traits of her personality are really making me more interested in her. She is way younger than my WW, BUT seems much more mature and adult. She is telling me my needs and I am LISTENING and adjusting myself accordingly. And I don't feel like my doing so is losing who I am. And yep you are spot on in saying "to me" she seems inconsistent as we definitely took off WAY fast and we have been backing off from that as we've gone. I definitely want her to feel comfortable with the pace so I want to work with her to find that balance. Just going from fast to pulling back to where we are now...uncertainty has crept up for me. I'm countering that by GAL'ing, doing my thing and putting no pressure on her.

Yep, Ginger I was worried about us burning out so I really am fine slowing it down. I see potential between us and it would be a shame to go crazy fast and burn it up. Definitely from being here I'm aware of not telling others how they feel. Also from being here though, I have learned to validate their feelings on how they feel AND adjust myself to address issues they may have. Never had that chance in my sitch, it is refreshing and adult and grown up feeling to feel like I'm communicating and working with my partner.

On the 10 texts...I mean if I had one stream of thought to share with her, would it matter if I put 4 sentences into one text OR I broke those out into 6-8 texts? For me, she could write War and Peace and it wouldn't bother me. I just don't associate any pressure with it. She actually sends like a paragraph at a time sometimes, BUT it's only one text. The main thing is that it was making HER feel uncomfortable, it's valid for her to feel how she does and it was on me to adapt accordingly.

Yeah we had been doing phone calls every night. When I have D4, she is down early evening while I would stay up and so it was easy to speak. She has called when D4 has been up and those have been more of an issue as I'm in full Daddy mode at that time. And yep, there won't be calls every day. We were just in the brand newness of each other and so were on a streak. And we've already done the "hey I passed out" and missed each other. It's all about patience, time and finding the balance/what works for both of us.

Definitely not future planning with her and just being back in the dating/new relationship phase is where the "screwing it up" thought comes from. She is actually the 2nd since my ex, but in the 1st it was I who made the first move, whereas in this instance she did. And yes, DB really does! What you learn here really does help you beyond your sitch!

Neffer...Thank you for your words of support. Each comment I read from you, just had me nodding going "yep, yep, yep". Heck SHE has already told me I'm the AMOAFWL and I know I'm a catch. What got me was just how fast we took off and have since been pulling back. I know that's a very smart thing for us, but just takes time/patience to really try and see if we can build a solid relationship. For the confusion I've expressed, I'm more than happy to take the time with her. :-)

LH...Just as with what Neffer said...I'm taking every single word of that to heart.

-B

B,

You really should read that book LH recommended. The author also has companion vids on YouTube. His way is not the only way, but he is good at explaining relationship dynamics and helping people not mess it up.

TF...yeah, agreed...I picked that up some months ago and got through a good bit of it, but as there wasn't someone else at that time...I set it aside. I know he has his supporters and critics, but I do believe there is some good information in there overall.

Between BD/my sitch and this new scenario... so much of this stuff just doesn't make sense to me...can't lie getting off the playing field still at times seems like the best decision.

More I've thought about this new relationship, the more I think I have to go no initiating texting, calling or email. Let her come after me and if she doesn't, just keep going. Seems so counter intuitive to what I think I should be doing....where have I heard that before??

WOAH BUDDY!

So, I decided to go back a bit and read your sitch since I last posted to it.

Correct me if I am wrong, but you have been dating this girl for a WEEK?!? You are calling it an R and you are seeing a future? I just read some posts from you about 2 weeks ago where you were kind of pining for your wife.

I am scared for you. I am not going to lie. You are just getting to know eachother and the way you write, I would think it would have been atleast months of seeing her.

What's the rush? Why so hot and heavy in a week? Pet names? Asking for goodnight calls? Speaking of relationships?

Am I missing something here???

The smartest thing I did was give myself some time where I was totally done with my ex and not involved with anyone else, just living my life. Savoring that time. Focus directly on me and my daughter, not if I am messing up a new R or what have you. Just GAL, raise my child, build my career, spend time with friends, get some new hobbies...... That time was invaluable to me.

You need to breathe a little.

HOw many actual in person dates have you had?

We have only been talking for two weeks. She FB friended me one day, texted me and called me that night. We both took it light speed for sure. If I did call it an R, that was not intentional and just a bad choice of words. New acquaintance would be more appropriate. And yeah, if I did say a future...guilty as charged. One thing though, it has been months since I've been pining for my wife. Sad that D was inevitable, yes. Sad about the loss of my D's family, yep. But definitely not at all interested in my wife.

She and I got WAY ahead of ourselves for sure. She took the lead on it and now has hit the brakes and rightly so.

There should be no rush, it just happened. For sure there's no rush now. There were no i love you's or confessions or you're the one, stuff like that but we did get quick into good night/good morning calls and texts. And while we never said exclusive or anything like that, we did tell the other we wanted to get to know each other together if that makes sense.

You aren't missing anything, perhaps believing it was a bit more over the top than how the first week went but mostly right on. To be honest I thought we'd text, email back and forth for a few weeks before even talking on the phone, but we hit that stage the first day when she called me.

So I feel like I have been done with my ex for many months now and have done with my D just as you described, living my life not really pursuing anyone. My IC is aware of this new person, she believes that I am far enough along to be able to get to know this new person. Does she know how fast this whole thing has gone, no, but that is only because I have not seen her again since it took off. And as yet there have been no in person dates, there is distance (2 hours) that is a factor in this along with me having my D4.

Look I'm not oblivious to what you are rightly saying. In fact WOAH BUDDY, I totally agree with that. We got out of the gate the first week from her aggressive approach and I went with it. Now she is hitting the brakes and I definitely know that is the absolute best thing for the two of us to be doing.

I really do appreciate your 2x4's Ginger! Had she not come to me with interest, I would still be riding along finishing up my D doing nothing more, but as she did and I was interested in the person I found, I couldn't not see where it led.

Originally Posted by ballast

I do agree with those rules you use and have already started using them. And yes, she is (to me at least) way younger and you are right she does see me as you describe. When we met and she asked about my job and I told her she said �oh you don�t have a job, you have a career!� It surprised her I guess because so many guys aren�t stable/settled in employment. Was funny to me to hear that.

B, I've been dating my GF for 4 years now, and dated a couple of other young ladies before her. So I have some perspective on the dynamic of dating someone who is basically from a different generation. A lot of these young women are used to dating boys (I am not going to call them men, and I am not talking about age, some of them are in their 30's) who have never grown up. They lack a strong father figure and they're not being raised as men, they're basically being left alone in their rooms to do whatever they please, which is typically playing video games and living on social media. Their relationships with the opposite sex are mostly texting, and when they do get together these boys typically expect the woman to decide where they are going and what they are going to do. They don't even understand the basics of being a gentleman such as dressing nice, opening doors for their date, picking up the check, pulling their chair out, helping them with their coat, etc. If they work at all it's usually whatever odd job lands in their lap. The reason many of these young women look to date older men is because they are sick and tired of all the immature crap. They want the opposite of that. Part of the allure is you are experienced, professional, aloof, busy. In short- MYSTERIOUS. So constant texting is not going to flip her switches, she can get that from a dozen boys. You need to be different.

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Thing is from the start she was the one to call even FT, now she has cut back on that, but then earlier this week she wanted me to call her to say good night.

Sometimes my GF absolutely blows up my phone and sometimes she goes radio silent for hours or even days. When she goes radio silent it feels like she doesn't care. I mentioned that to her once early on and she said that she thinks about me constantly, especially when we're not texting back and forth. In fact she said the less we text the more she's thinking about me and fantasizing. So yeah, if she's not texting you that is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean she quit caring, could be quite the opposite. But you've got to resist the temptation to temp check her.

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Almost like she�s testing me saying �ok, I told him this was an issue, let�s see if he has fixed it and can handle it�.

She could be. But here's the thing, you need to quit sitting at home fretting about what it all means and just get out and GAL. Go work out or something. Sometimes I don't reply to my GF's texts for hours, but it's not because I'm trying to be mysterious or whatever, it's because I'm legitimately busy. Don't wait for her to text or call. Just do your thing, and when she texts then text back later when you have time. Because that is her perception of you anyway (that you are a busy man with a full life) and why she is attracted to you in the first place.

Originally Posted by ballast

The whole one/two text deal...makes me feel like the primary way we had to communicate day to day has dried up. Very mechanical now from how it was pre "Overwhelming" By that I mean..."How was your day?" <time_passes> "it was pretty good" <time_passes> "how was your's?" <time_passes> "could have been better" And while I enjoy any communication with her, this back and forth is boring and gonna kill any excitement we might have between us over time.

I try to avoid really generic talk like that. I'll ask her specific questions, like recently I found out about a haunted house show going on in a few weeks and mentioned it to her and asked if she wanted to go, what night and such. Her daughter is a girl scout and I asked how many boxes of cookies they've sold so far. She said she's working on a knitting project so I asked her about it and asked her to send me pictures. Stuff like that is more interesting and personal. But again, I let her drive the pace. I don't initiate many texts, I let her.

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so in my mind i wandering if she is like "will he call me, why hasn't he called me" as we've not talked, i decide just before bed to call...

But you WANT her thinking things like that! Remember, by mysterious!

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anyway i'm frustrated...for the first 10 days of knowing each other I thought we had wonderful open communication on text/phone...now I'm "robot world" with text, she has basically stopped calling, but she is still calling me hon/sweetie on text, says she's excited about us and other good things...this morning i decided not to text her good morning, hope you have a good day. i've been doing that every morning for like a week and i'm just thinking that being so reliable is gonna get me good guy zoned/no challenge/no need for pursuit from her and maybe that everyday is a bit much. i really do like her a great deal especially how we've communicated up to now...just feeling frustrated because I don't feel we have a way to get to know one another like we did initially.

Sounds like NGS kicking in. Be the alpha. Quit being so available. Pull back. She'll probably start pursuing, and if she doesn't then she's not as interested as you thought and it's time to look elsewhere.

Ballast I don't think I've posted to you before but when I saw how fast you were jumping in I had the same reaction as ginger. I see this so much here. The LBS is so hurt and so broken up that anyone who shows interest helps to heal those wounds. It's just a bad bad idea. The rule of no dating for 6 months minimum if not a year is a great one, yet many don't want to heed it. They then rationalize how they've been done for six months (even though they have not) and all of the reasons why this 6 month rule should not apply to them. Could you really be a healthy partner right now? Honestly? And why let someone else decide your life? She came in so you just had to go with it? Why? Now she pumps the breaks so only then are you slowing down because she forced it? Why can't you decide these things? It's because it's too soon.

When in it we really can't see it. When outside we can. The last thing you need right now is some girl 15 years younger two hours away. Sure it feels great but it won't help you in the long run. And lightening speed is an understatement. You are whole and good and worthy without soneone. Take the time for you. Don't get into a new R so soon

B,

All the things AS suggested are in the book I was talking about. Read it 10-15 times so it becomes second nature to you.

I also didn�t realize it had only been 10 days, the age difference and distance. More of a reason to slow it way down.

Being realistic, 2 hours away and a 4 year old with someone you barely know.......

Another person can not heal you. I read where you said "it's amazing how all could change on a drop of a dime" You were speaking if your depression and then a woman showed interest and all of a sudden it's gone and things are changed? What that really puts you in danger of is if you don't slow down, if it ends abruptly, you are in danger of falling even in a deeper depression.

Don's post is excellent.

Just because she showed interest, doesn't mean you are ready.

I have been exactly where you are. That's why I speak to it so strongly. I know the high of someone showing interest and it taking you out of depression and wanting to throw yourself into it. I also know the extreme low of when you get so involved and what was covering up something underlying is taken away from you, and it is plain awful.

Stander...thank you for the comments you've provided. They are always insightful and helpful and given how your sitch in some ways is similiar to mine, what you say makes total sense. I was raised in the South. Traditional roles of man/woman and of courtship. The man courted/pursued the lady, the man won the lady's heart, happily ever after. Sadly I believe a very inaccurate depiction of modern day relationships/dating between men and women. The whole idea of my being mysterious, unavailable, etc...I do get the I'm experienced, successful, busy man to win, but compared to my upbringing so much of what works seems so "unempowering" to the man. As with my texting beliefs, clearly society knows better than I and so on this topic as well I'll do my best to understand and learn. It just seems unnatural to me is all. A GF of mine who knows of this new lady told me, unless/until she asks you a question by text, email or phone, sends you a selfie, something...leave her alone. Basically this:

"Be the alpha. Quit being so available. Pull back. She'll probably start pursuing, and if she doesn't then she's not as interested as you thought and it's time to look elsewhere."

That I can do. For myself that is the single best thing I will do. What I've done to now has been all wrong.

DonH...I always appreciate when anyone new provides comments to me so thank you! I hear what you are saying, although I haven't been so hurt, so broken as to try and dive into OLD or ask ladies out or anything like that. I have been perfectly content to ride along by myself with D4...until she came along. Of what I knew/saw...I had to see where it leads. Where it has led so far was WAY faster than I expected. I honestly can't even say how many months I've been over my WW. It has been quite some time for sure simply because she has completely been a ghost to me for a year now. Do I believe that I could be a healthy partner right now? Yes, I do. I only say that because of the fact that I have been working for the past year in IC who has told me in her opinion I am at the point where I could do so IF! the right healthy partner for me came along. Why did I have to? Looks, highly educated, similar interests up front. Going past the looks, other than the light speed with which we progressed, she has shown me many personality/communication traits of a healthy partner. That she has actually recognized our crazy speed and pulled back, even that I take as showing maturity. Is it too soon? Possibly so. Am I whipping around because she went full throttle and then hit the brakes, yep. I am strong enough to know that I can decide these things. As Stander stated above, I can control the pace of this getting to know process if I just let her go. And honestly I'm ok and accepting if she walks. I honestly don't know where or if this new interest will lead anywhere. She is not a random whom I fell head over heels for to heal my broken heart. Was it a crazy start? Yep. Is it maybe just the first real lady exp since my WW, maybe so. I just know with this one, I have to give it a shot even while being mindful of the risks.

-B

Originally Posted by AS

Sometimes my GF absolutely blows up my phone and sometimes she goes radio silent for hours or even days. When she goes radio silent it feels like she doesn't care. I mentioned that to her once early on and she said that she thinks about me constantly, especially when we're not texting back and forth. In fact she said the less we text the more she's thinking about me and fantasizing. So yeah, if she's not texting you that is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean she quit caring, could be quite the opposite. But you've got to resist the temptation to temp check her.

Be the alpha. Quit being so available. Pull back. She'll probably start pursuing.

So no matter what happens, I learned something last night. Why is it that everything I should do in relationships either with a WW or with a new interest is always the exact opposite of what I think I should be doing? The above quotes ^^^^^^...I stop all reaching out to her early AM, had a good day at work, great workouts and then went out having dinner with a buddy of mine. Great day! BUT not reaching out to her...I'd have had more fun pulling my fingernails out. Hated that AND was thinking "welp that puts the nail in this one". Just like after initial BD with my WW when I had this crazy desire to reach out to her, felt very simliar last night just in a different context...only difference was that I understood the why, even if I hated it. Anyway h*ll or high water esp because of what Stander says above, I just had fun with my buddy drinking beers and hanging out. A bit before I was off to sleep I got "Hope you've had a great day!" from her. I replied about an hour later saying "Yep I did!" I did tell her a bit about my day as I think for a new interest unlike a WW it's good for her to know i have friends, I'm out having fun, achieving goals at work. Let's her see me as successful, happy, someone she want to be around. It was ONE SINGLE TEXT! Anyway...she quickly replied "Nice!!" I sent a simple "hope you had a great day as well" which got an immediate "Yes I did!" and me saying "happy to hear that!"...and that was it. No calls, good nights, nothing. And this morning no texts/emails sent from me.

I was reading a bit of Corey's book last night. As I say I was feeling like this completely freakin stinks. I just want to reach out to her. And then in the book he said something along how when he did this in his interactions with a lady he liked it drove him nuts too BUT! what he didn't realize at the time was that just as it was driving him nuts, it was causing the lady he was interested in to wonder what the H was going on with him too and that was a good thing. So a light clicked for me. BUT this whole bass-ackwards way that men and women basically need to do stuff, I get that the rules of attraction aren't necessarily logic, but d88n. I'm honest to a fault, straight forward...the thought of having to game to relationship build. If you start a relationship based on these unwritten, crazy but truthful realities...can they ever really foster a healthy long term, honest relationship or do you both have to continue the game throughout to keep the relationship surviving.

Anyway...for Stander/LH, I'm being alpha, walking ahead, doing my thing. with Super Bowl weekend got some good time GAL starting this early PM I'm looking forward to and i'm gonna start reading Corey's book. for Ginger/DonH...well I'm not doing any reach out to this lady anymore AND I could have been so beta/too forward already that there's no need worrying about me getting into a relationship or becoming depressed as I may have already blown any chance I had in less than two weeks anyway! Pretty happy that I can sit here and feel like I'm pleasing all of you! LOL

Weekend fun starts early this afternoon for me and I can't wait! Praying for all of you who are hurting/struggling. When I first got here GAL seemed kinda a weird phrase, a bit pointless, but now with time/exp I see how critical it is both in surviving BD and dating! Live your life for you! Backwards or forwards...just do it! As neffer has said, keep walking your path, good things will come your way in their time.

-B

Well that�s the attitude man!

Keep moving!

B,

We have these discussions all the time on J9s threads about how these feel like games. I work with Doctors and Scientists and I look at it more like a protocol. For different studies you have to follow different protocols. You can also change the protocol once you gather more information.

I think it feels like games to some people because you are intentionally not contacting someone when you really want to contact them. What you are really trying to do is fill your schedule up with activities, work, exercise, kids that you really don't have time to blow up someones phone. Then it's not a game you are just extremely busy.

You can be true to yourself and send 10 texts before a response if you truly feel that is the right thing to do, but unfortunately most confident, successful women are going to find that as a turn off.

Take this new opportunity slow, keep your options open and live in the moment.

LH...appreciate the comments. I think for guys it's that we look at what makes sense to US, but never try to understand what works and makes sense for ladies. Just like with why WWs are/get how they are, in dating ladies have perspectives/wants/needs/etc that are different and perhaps seem illogical to us guys.

I can see how my night/morning texts every day take away from the excitement, mystery, attraction she might feel towards me. in essence i'm smothering her and taking away from her all of the things that she needs to become comfortable with me and grow her attraction for me. letting go/backing off i think will really allow her to feel safer with me. that Corey guy talks about having the mindset where ladies approach us men like cats. if we are stable, no sudden crazy movements, etc the more they are willing to come towards us and check us out. just alot of dynamics that don't make sense right away until you read about them and really have time to understand the logic...and realize you were doing things wrong.

anyway...no matter what at least I can say I am continually learning to become a better man, possible partner someday and I'm happy about that.

-B

Originally Posted by ballast

I just had fun with my buddy drinking beers and hanging out.

Great, that's the ticket, just get out and live life and don't worry about her.

Quote

Anyway...she quickly replied "Nice!!" I sent a simple "hope you had a great day as well" which got an immediate "Yes I did!" and me saying "happy to hear that!"...and that was it. No calls, good nights, nothing. And this morning no texts/emails sent from me.

Hmmm. Sounds like you're getting friendzoned. You did say you've been out with her a couple of times didn't you? Have you talked about another date or are you just exchanging pleasantries? You've got to be bold and a little pushy about going out. But your attitude also needs to be alpha- if not her then time to move on to the next lady.

Quote

BUT! what he didn't realize at the time was that just as it was driving him nuts, it was causing the lady he was interested in to wonder what the H was going on with him too and that was a good thing. So a light clicked for me.

Did I not just tell you that yesterday?

Be mysterious.

Quote

I'm honest to a fault, straight forward...the thought of having to game to relationship build. If you start a relationship based on these unwritten, crazy but truthful realities...can they ever really foster a healthy long term, honest relationship or do you both have to continue the game throughout to keep the relationship surviving.

I like LH's post about it not being gaming, but rather "protocol". It's just human nature, we want what we can't have and don't want what is easy pickings. We love a challenge. Part of why you want to pursue her so bad is because she's not showing much interest in you. You need to flip the script.

Stander...no, we have not gone out yet. she is long distance. there has been a TON of talk from her to me and some from me about us being together though. the how's your day business has only been going for a week or so, we don't email much throughout the day though. us going on a date, me coming up to here city to see her, spend the weekend doing things with her, all of that has previously been discussed. monday she's asking me to call her, tuesday I think i shared too much of my feelings, had the text debacle and since that point there's been text beyond "how's your day", but no calls. I think me putting my feelings out there did damage and caused her to pull back, maybe permanently. so i'm doing as i know i have to do, living alpha, enjoying myself...if I use the cat analogy...i spooked her and she took off. she has told me many times how attractive she finds me, so i need to chill myself out and do my thing...just maybe then the cat feel safe and come back towards me.

up front neither one of us gave ANY challenge to the other! we've known each other 2 weeks and both of us went full throttle telling the other how attracted we were to them AND moving full speed like we were a couple/in a relationship. That caused problems, clearly. Why I want to pursue her right now is that I was liking the person I was getting to know. Her stopping is actually causing me to want to bail out, likely prematurely, than keep messing with her. BUT me being out there with my feelings, killed some of her attraction for me and made me come off feminine and not alpha like. Hopefully in such a short period of time and with her stated interest in me I haven't completely blown it, but I can't worry about that. I need to give her the time and space to wonder about me, maybe grow the attraction and let her come after me. I've made myself at least less attractive to her, but maybe with us only knowing each other for such a short period of time it can be corrected. And if she doesn't because it can't, I just keep on walking wiser for the next lady.

Originally Posted by ballast

Stander...no, we have not gone out yet. she is long distance.

Oh wow, did I ever misunderstand what was going on, LOL! Early on I learned it's a waste of time texting someone a lot before meeting them. I did it a few times only to discover the person I met was far different than the one I thought I was texting (I'm not saying I was catfished, it was more a case of them just being very different than I imagined). You will never know if the chemistry is there until you meet them. Texting and a thousand pictures cannot tell you what 5 minutes face-to-face will. Plus a lot of women these days just want to have text buddies, especially younger women. I don't get it, but that's how it is. I always pushed to meet right away. If they refused and said "let's get to know each other by text first" then I told them the above, that meeting for a few minutes would tell us far more than texting. If they still refused then I wished them well and moved on. I live near Dallas so there are a ton of women here, so I didn't bother talking to anyone outside of about a 30 mile radius. So if they were open to meeting I could usually make it happen quickly.

No worries Stander. Short story is a girl friend of mine told me "Hey my friend thinks you are hot" and showed me her picture to which I replied "tell you friend thank you for the compliment and I think she is hot also"

from there it went from social media to text to phone to FT...all moving along by her. we definitely want to meet, mom's have heard of each of us, please call her on Monday and then as of Tuesday...only text/bit of email. literally she's full throttle into me and then almost silence.

I really do appreciate the insight you've provided it's good for future reference for me. as has been my case with my WW and now here with this lady, I have no idea what happened. I never even with all of her interest in me, got to meet her, go on even the first date. even with what I'm doing now...she's gone and no way is she gonna try to even see me. I took a lady with seemingly solid attraction for me and completely lost her in less than 2 weeks with no idea how. story of my life with ladies. it would be terribly sad if it weren't so comically hopeless.

none of this makes ANY sense to me at all...going to the gym in the morning...just walking my path...

-B

You didn't completely lose her because you never had her! You guys weren't dating, you haven't even went out on a date, you guys were chatting. For two weeks. She expressed interest, you did to, then for whatever reason, it didn't work out. You can't lose someone you never had. and YOU didn't lsoe her. It just ended

I know from personal experience that anything that goes from 0-60in 3 sec flat, pretty much goes in the opposite direction just as fast.

It's a learning experience for sure. Slow and steady, get to know someone, don't only follow their lead, look for red flags.

B,

G is right. If you start online dating this stuff happens all the time. You start talking to someone based on pictures and a profile and then at some point you or her change your mind. Most of the time it's not even something you or her did. You just accept it wasn't meant to be and move on.

Ginger...so wrong choice of words. When I said "her" I should have been more clear to say CHANCE with her which is what I always meant.

Anyway we texted yesterday so who knows what's up. Just living my life assuming this detour is over.

LH...yep I get it. I've done the OLD plenty in the best and have had it happen. This one was not an OLD and was her coming after me not the other way around. Like I just said who knows what's up with her...I'm just going to continue doing my thing focusing on me. If she comes back around just have to see where it goes from there.

And meanwhile I am reading through Corey's book. I was definitely not prepared for this lady to come out of the blue so I know I made mistakes. Would like to be more prepared if another lady comes around in the future.

-B

Hi Ballast, I hope I have time to write later because I have a lot to say about your situation. The good thing is you discovered you can have feelings for another woman. Even if it doesn't work out you made good progress!

Hi Nicole...hope to hear what you have to say! :-)

Oh for sure good came from this encounter no matter how it ultimately turns out. I had a very attractive, MUCH younger lady interested in me AND as you say I have now found out twice since my WW that I can have feelings for other women.

Definitely seeing this only as a good thing for me and my future.

B,

You should also consider picking up Shawn T Smith's book. He is a clinical psychologist PhD who writes about how men should look for and understand red flags in women. I feel like it should be a must read for any male LBS here who is post-D / moving forward.

Thanks TF I will check it out. You know it's kinda funny to me. For sure both she and I got way ahead of ourselves, but we did both admit it. So speed yeah for sure a red flag, but she did exhibit many positive, mature traits during our communication.

Again who knows what's up at this point. We had a brief enjoyable text yesterday, she said sorry to me about not wanting to talk while drunk earlier last week...which she didn't need to apologize for...anyway, detaching as I know how to do, had another great day/night out yesterday with friends and more planned for the weekend. moving forward.

Instead of playing the text game why don't you/haven't you set up a date?

In my experience if they come at you 1000 miles an hour from the start it is never a good sign. Slow and steady wins the race.

TF no date set for two reasons 1) she's 2 hours away and 2) the 1st time when I didn't have D4 she already had plans.

With distance and my custody with D4, limits the when a bit.

Originally Posted by ballast

TF no date set for two reasons 1) she's 2 hours away and 2) the 1st time when I didn't have D4 she already had plans.

With distance and my custody with D4, limits the when a bit.

I�m really not trying to bust your balls and I�m only speaking from experience.

Why would you pursue a situation like this? I�ve put myself in the same exact spot and it doesn�t work. Especially When young kids are involved. And a younger partner .

You can even have a first date. And I imagine the second is going to be super difficult too.

I know I seen the mean woman deflating you here, but if I could help one person learn from my experiences and save them some grief, I�m sure going to try.

Ginger...LOL honestly I know you aren't! BUT at the same time I DO appreciate what you are saying AND I am taking in what you're saying. There was a part of me that was like "Dang Ginger is kicking my A!" but from being on here a year knowing how we try to help each other AND that I need a good kicking from time to time...I know your words come from the best of intentions to help me out so no worries!

Thing is right now...no matter what comes of this experience, I needed it and I've learned alot from it already. Specifically:

1. Young, pretty ladies are attracted to me
2. I'm attracted/interested in other ladies
3. I've learned how to manage my texting
4. I've gotten some exp being a single Dad while talking to new ladies
5. From my WW sitch and detaching/GALing, I've become more alpha in this new situation. She has stopped talking, but I'm not pursuing and am totally cool just doing my own thing no matter what happens with her.
6. I've learned how I need to be less open book and more mysterious about me when meeting new ladies.
7. How to grow attraction by being less available

So I know, long distance and D4...snowball chance in H on this one, but now I'm thinking no matter how this turns out, the experience is one I needed to maybe prepare me for a more realistic someone next time. And, given I'm in no rush to get back to being married or anything like that, if she and I did meet up and had some fun, that would be a positive to me as well. She and I both were very much aware of the distance making anything serious HIGHLY difficult.

-B

I 100% agree this experience has done good. We all need those bullet points you listed above. They are the best takeaways we can have. My first guy was a HOT 21 year old MMA fighter, 6�4 with washboard abs. I was 28 with a year old baby. I was out at a local bar and it was ME he was interested in, when a bunch of other girls were definitely interested . He took me out, always paid, ( turned out he was filthy rich) and it got heavy fast. When it ended abruptly, I felt so Blech.

So I get it. I do. Just keep your head in perspective, slow way down and make it fun, not all serious.

Understood and thank you Ginger! I had texted her when I was out Friday and she replied quickly and happily to me, but then for the rest of the weekend I just let it go and I didn't hear from her. So who knows what's up with that.

I don't chase and believe I'm a great catch so it will be on her to contact me going forward. It wasn't until I did some "homework" over the weekend that I realized between my texting and being an open book, I had been doing all the wrong things when meeting a new lady. I'm happy to have learned some things to be better prepared next time. And apparently leaving this lady alone who I'm highly attracted to and being totally fine with it is about the most alpha like thing I could do and I didn't know that either. Folks going through what we've gone through detaching from our spouses, the strength that gives you when folks you want to date don't pan out is a wonderful thing.

Hopefully this was a dating "pop quiz" designed to teach me some important things for when a more realistic opportunity comes along in my future.

-B

B, I agree with what Ginger is saying, you didn't "lose" her because you never had her in the first place. You didn't do anything wrong, this is just how it goes when you're trying to meet new people. Again I'll stress that when you're talking to someone new, try and meet ASAP. Meet, find out if the spark is there, THEN spend hours texting your heart out. When I started dating again there were two women early on that blew my phone up (not at the same time), we got into these long, deep convos sharing all kinds of stuff. When I eventually met them there was just no spark there, and believe me that can be VERY awkward if they feel a spark and you don't! Because you've already built this R with them through text, so you're stuck having to "break up" with someone you never even dated! So learn from my mistakes, push to meet ASAP and keep the texting minimal and business-like until you do meet them.

2 hours isn't that far away, I once set up a date with a woman that was 1-1/2 hours away for that night (it was a week I didn't have the kids). I drove there after work, had dinner with her for about an hour and then drove back. And nope, no spark so that was the end of that. Push to meet. She might feel intimidated, so tell her it's just for dinner to meet and say hello, nothing more.

Stander...yep, as I say I feel like lost the CHANCE with her. The deal is given we are long distance she was interested in getting to know me more by text first which is counter to what you've just said and I've read. Basically we should have had a quick convo to introduce and then agreed a time/place to meet ASAP. Instead we got a text relationship started and I got wordy and perhaps came off needy.

With her not calling and me basically not texting now, I think we're at a standoff. If I start texting again, that makes me look needy. If I leave it alone, even with i'm attracted to her, that MAY be the end of whatever this is and I'm ok if that's the case. I guess if she's not interested in a meet up ASAP to see what we think of each other, then I'll just shut it down and move on along. If she was local, this wouldn't be an issue as it would be set up the date and if not, walk on.

Okay a few things here, she is TWO HOURS away - not two days away. If you can't meet a single time due to this distance you had no business even starting this. Thing is I don't think it's the distance - I think that's your excuse for not meeting. Two hours dude, just drive there. It's going to go like it's going to go. If you're not ready - which I'd say is a strong possibility - that's fine. It may well be too soon. If not simply tell her "we may have had a misstart here, how about I take you to dinner and let's just meet - no pressure, just a fun dinner. When are you available?" Just do it. If she doesn't want to meet then you have your answer. If she does, go meet her and see. If you leave at 4 you can meet her at 6 hang out for a few hours and you can be back home by 10 or 11 at the most. You'll have many more answers after this. I'm just not sure you want these answers. You and her would not be the first to have an electronic only R - not that this is good or heathy but it's certainly more common than many people think. I just think all of this is too soon yet and that's why it's gone as off the rails as it has.

LOL Don...I for sure definitely want to meet her and she initially wanted to meet me as well. When I said "hey let's do dinner this Saturday, blah, blah" she said that weekend would not work for her...then it was we should get to know each other before you trek up here. As I have custody 50/50 that punted us schedule wise to at the earliest next week.

At this point, it's a moot point really. I don't believe it's too soon and it for sure wasn't me not wanting to meet her. It went off the rails in a weird way when I didn't stick to just saying "let's meet" and if she declined, politely moving on from her.

Given the current radio silence between us, unless she reaches out to me this exp is over and done with in my mind.

-B

Originally Posted by ballast

It went off the rails in a weird way when I didn't stick to just saying "let's meet" and if she declined, politely moving on from her.

Ding, ding, ding - yep you've got it. Perhaps it's her that is afraid to meet and wants to keep the safety of the computer. I suggested it might be you because you've much more been bringing up this two hour distance thing when asked - you've less said she didn't want to meet. However that happens much more than you'd think. Anyone who has tried online dating will tell you of the many people who never seem to want to meet - they only want to chat. They always have an excuse. It's a lesson learned for next time. That's an easier change for you though. I'm still more concerned about how wrapped up you got with someone you've never met. That to me points much more to you being hurt by your ex and having attention from someone new taking that hurt away - even though you really don't know them yet.

I'd say you can still do this now however. Tell her you would still,like to meet but if she's not ready you understand but can't keep this as an electronic only thing. Put it back on her. You are ready to meet - it's her decision to make. Just don't let her dictate the rules to you.

Yup Don knows what he's sayin'

It's a weird phenomenon that didn't exist when I was dating before I got married. We didn't have the Internet or email or smart phones back then, that didn't come until years later. But with the social media revolution came a strange new twist where people are into "online relationships" even to the point of sending nudes back and forth even though they've never met. A lot of people love to do this because they can kind of imagine the other person to be whoever they want. If you watch that Catfish show it's shocking how people will carry on these phone relationships for YEARS having never met, or even Facetimed, or even talked on the phone! 100% of their relationship has been messaging through FB or texting. And they insist they love this person they've been talking to, they say they are dating, etc. etc. It absolutely blows my mind. So yeah, be wary of that.

I've had ladies give me that BS line of getting to know each other through texting first, and my response is always "we will know more about each other in 5 minutes face-to-face then 5 weeks of texting." If they still refuse then I wish them well. It's a game of numbers, you've got to message 100 to talk to 20 or 30, and out of those you might meet 4 or 5 and 1 or 2 of those might be worth seeing again. It's a ton of work and takes a ton of time, so prepare yourself!

Originally Posted by AnotherStander

It's a game of numbers, you've got to message 100 to talk to 20 or 30, and out of those you might meet 4 or 5 and 1 or 2 of those might be worth seeing again. It's a ton of work and takes a ton of time, so prepare yourself!

OMG - this is soooooo true! But then step back and think about it - and then say 'Oh by all means, sign me up for that - it sounds like so much fun!" And then thing is, those number are perhaps only inflated a bit - but the radios are very much on - perhaps even a bit optimistic. Think about that. you have to send 100 messages in hopes of getting 20 responses. I have to tell you, that can even sometimes be optimistic unless you are counting the "sorry not interested" responses as "responses". So few will respond. And of those yes you might meet a few. Those are about my numbers to the T. I don't know how many messages I sent over the years but absolutely, positively it was over 100 (I tired OLD off and on for a half dozen years) I went out with at least 10 women - probably closer to 15. I wanted a second date with one or two of them but they were not interested. The others I was not interested. So to go back and try that again.... wow, yeah, like I said, sign me up for that. I hate to be such a Donnie Downer but it is really pretty accurate.

Then let's add in how many lied about who or what they are. How many ghosted. How many had old photos up. On and on. By comparison Jospeh is not doing too bad, although he's overlooked red flags I would not have and gave more women chances that I would have been long out yet he's had more second dates than I have. Ginger it took many, many years with the current guy looking good but that chapter has not been written yet. Dawn seems to have found what she is looking for. So it does happen. But you really have to change your mindset and you really have to not allow yourself to get sucked in. You have to stick to your guns on things so if you hear "I"m not ready to meet yet" I guess I can't say walk away but most certainly don't say "ok okay, you're not ready to meet in person so here's my life story and all of my deep thoughts." Think about that!

Don...so it was definitely her wanting to get to know me better first. Thing is this was not entirely a blind/OLD type situation. Our mutual friends connected us, we had tons of pictures with each other, FT with each other...so it was far from a blind OLD type deal. Also, this lady was #3 in terms of my interaction with them post-EX. With the prior 2 there was definite attraction from me towards them and there seemed to be the same from them to me, but they did not pan out. Personality wise there were also additional mis-matches let's say. The current lady, my attraction with her was extremely high AND she was expressing attraction to me as well. So this to me is not about being hurt by my ex, but rather this lady just really set off all the bells and whistles in me...which is also exactly why I gave up my mystery to her way too fast and maybe why she lost interest. With a couple of days having passed now, I'm thinking still it best to just let it go. A guess here, but if she really did have interest in me maybe she'll contact me sometime in the future, if not...just keep on walking along, it wasn't meant to be.

Stander...so I met my WW through OLD AND we had an online relationship for a good 2 months or so before we ever met up. Once we did meet up, we knew instantly. So I have seen that arrangement work out to a positive result....course i'm getting divorced now from said experience but I think it can work. Now my IC has cautioned that if/when I date I should not follow that example and I get that as well. There's just no one right way nor wrong way to find love with someone. My being silent with Miss Sunshine I could see her thinking I was not happy about getting to know her first, whereas the real reality is that she went silent on me and I wasn't going to push her or chase her...whether that is right or wrong.

It is sad the situation I find myself in with Miss Sunshine as I feel like we could have enjoyed and had a great time together. I don't like what's happened, but I feel like if I contact her now after a few days of silence I'll be giving off needy vibes instead of right now her maybe at least being curious what's up with me.

-B

Any time a woman has come on strong with me it has never worked. If I send them a t Xw and they don�t respond I never text them again. The same applies to emails as well. I do treat it like a game of tennis and if they don�t hit the ball back game over. If I feel a little bit of attraction I will go on a second date. There have been some i immediately knew it wouldn�t work, saw the date through but then told them I didn�t feel an connection. It is a numbers game and I do believe that you will attract the right type of person into your life based on the vibe if you give off. I have done a lot of reading on sexual market value and I do think there is a lot of truth to it. Hang in there there will be others.

Joseph appreciate your comments! see that's the twist on this one...she has always quickly and happily replied to me text wise, BUT she did just stop calling me. Was that because she lost interest, did she want me to chase, who knows...

As I say I'm definitely just fine if nothing comes of this and being so apparently is the most positive/alpha like way that I could be in this situation. It would be unfortunate for us to not meet at least once and see what's up, I think we would connect very very well, but it just may not happen. If she contacted me now or whenever I'd be totally content/happy to hear from her...no hard feelings from me. Will my absence cause her to wonder...no idea...I'm just doing what I need to do for me by moving right on along living my life. Worse case, there will be another lady that comes along down the line. I learned from my WW sitch and the time I've invested in myself and trying to become a learned partner for relationships, I have SO MUCH more strength in being alone and being fine than I've ever had before in my life and for that I'm eternally grateful to all of you and the support you've provided to me to get me there.

-B

The 1 thing have learned with old is that everyone has a different agenda and what happened could be more about her than you. Some girls never want to meet they just want a pen pal, the attention. Others are rebounding and just want someone to fill the void to help them get over someone. Others just are looking for sex. Some are looking for a R. Others are just casually dating. While some might have been on 5 or 6 dates with someone else, are still dating others but are really close to being exclusive with one person. In my experience if they just drop off the face of the earth there was someone else. Unfortunately I have experienced the majority of the scenarios. That is why it is best to go slow, don�t get emotionally invested early and over time people will show themselves.

B,

Here is what I would do. Wait until Saturday to hear from her. If not call/her text her and ask her when she is free to get together. If she gives you dates then make a definite date. If she says shes not interested or doesn't respond then walk and never look back.

Joseph yep in the OLD world I've experienced just what you say. This was not a pure OLD stranger meet really as we were both "vetted" by a mutual friend. The who knows what her deal is definitely is valid in this case, but each of had intel on the other from a trusted friend.

LH...yeah I like that plan, although I am right now more inclined to just let it go. If she's interested she knows how to reach me. I'm the prize and if not her, some other lucky lady will have a chance with me some day. I'm in no rush and definitely confident and happy no matter what happens. Feeling like I'm exhibiting some positive, confident actions in myself by not chasing her, being needy AND that it's not a game, but just rather how I truly feel has me feeling very strong and good about myself.

Ok B but just so you know that contacting a woman and making a definite date is not chasing a woman or being needy. It's what a man should do.

Yeah for sure I do understand that. I did read Corey's book in one day btw. Plan to read it on repeat as is recommended. I can see where some of his advice could be controversial, but I feel like I did pick up many solid pieces of knowledge from having read it. In particular his information to men about giving and the need to continually give throughout your relationship, as an LBH that really struck a chord with me. I can see where some of it may come off as "bro knowledge", but he makes some very good points on things I didn't realize until I read it.

Just out of curiosity what in the book do you think is controversial?

To me and perhaps more so in his youtube videos or blog postings, there's a bit too much foul language relative to a man's goals with a woman. It comes across a bit too locker room and disrespectful towards women. Now that's not to say that men talking don't talk like that because they do, but if I'm a gentlemen interested in a long term relationship with a lady, the way he says some things comes off too "bro" and more like "how to score with chicks". Overall I think his book it much less vulgar and as a result reads less like "how to score" and makes a better impact.

Hi Ballast,

I can sympathize with the learning curve that goes into communicating with someone long-distance and the other person is hot-and-cold and you're left to wonder what's going on. I wish there wouldn't be this intricate set of rules that one has to follow and a certain game that has to be played where if you make one minor wrong move you're out. You sound like an honest, sincere, great man. If someone likes you they're lucky to receive your affection in return. I can't believe that a few text friendly text messages could be such a turn off but apparently they are. There's someone with whom I've been communicating online and he sent five text messages back-to-back last week and I didn't mind. Then however I complimented him on something and he stopped responding. Is he busy? Is he shy? Is he dating someone else? Is he embarrassed? Did I make myself appear too interested? It's not about trying to rekindle a relationship that never was a real relationship but just trying to understand how this whole thing works. I'm sure though you'll figure out whether things can proceed with the current women with whom you've been in touch and you'll be prepared for whoever you meet next!

Nicole...appreciate your comments, especially your kind words about me. I definitely didn't know that there were very well defined rules for texting, even if they are unwritten. I figured so long as I was sharing a single thought or event, that the number didn't matter, but LOL I found out it did! And if anything given our mutual friend connected us, I think I was given more leeway than a complete stranger if I had screwed up somehow. Main thing to me is that she's highly attractive, maybe a bit boy crazy and she's long distance. I know I'm a good man, I know because she told me how much of a good man she thought I was, but one thing I'm not going to do is compete/chase her OR if I am, I'm going to do it by showing how I value myself and walk away. Nothing personal, just how I feel. As you say if someone likes you they're lucky to receive your affection in return. IF they don't value the chance they've been given, that's their decision, out of my control, wish them well and go on. I'm sure given her beauty she has many other men competing for her affection and so I'll excuse myself from her life and best of luck to her.

I do believe that somewhere/sometime the girl who I'm meant to give my affection to, we'll find each other and she'll realize the quality of the man she's found and I'll feel the same about her. As I've said earlier I'm a vet of OLD from 2005 or so. To be honest for sure I had ladies disappear for whatever reason, but the majority of my experiences were positive. I think as soon as you let go of trying to understand it, much like when dealing with a wayward spouse the easier the whole thing becomes. And like I said yesterday, for those of us who have been the LBS in our sitches, once you can drop the rope on a spouse to whom you were married, letting go of whatever you deal with in the dating world is much easier. For sure there's no hard feelings or anything like that with current woman so if we get back in touch anything is still possible and no matter what, this experience I know I needed to help me learn some things about the dating world.

You sound like a wonderful lady Nicole! There's a song lyric that goes "Yeah a boy's gonna run, but a real man's gonna stay" That lyric sticks with me in a gender neutral way as I think for ANY of us LBS's here, it's empowering, gives us hope and helps to remind us of how in a healthy relationship the partner we deserve won't leave. I am certain there is a real man out there looking for you right now and when the time is right, he'll realize the special lady he's found in you and do exactly as the lyric says. Just have to remember "good things come to those who wait!" :-)

-B

Hi Ballast,

Just wondering how you're doing now and if you ever contacted or heard from your lady friend again?

Hi Nicole...

Well after a week plus of no contact, I decided to reach out to her to say hello on Saturday. Even if she's not interested anymore, no hard feelings and I'm fine with just being acquaintances. Anyway she replied quickly to my text and happily, but they were short replies...given her line of work she was busy this whole weekend so no reading into it too much. No further chatting between us since Saturday and like I say I'm cool with that. We had a friendly enough chat which basically confirmed to me that's all that's gonna happen with her. Plan to just let her go now. The chat was my interest test for her. Meeting her was helpful to me in many ways as I've previously mentioned. Next time I'll be more prepared with how to handle myself from the start with a new lady and expecting that she'll be local to me I'll move to set up a time for us to meet up instead of chatting/talking away on the phone.

D4 went back to W yesterday. No matter what else happens in my life, that is always sad. I imagine soon W will file for divorce. Long since gave up worrying about that. I know Stander has said his W was similar to mine in walking away, but in reading his sitch, my WW has always been WAY WAY more gone than his W was. Not one single chat/call/meetup/zippo from her on talking about our MR. Facing that there was nothing but for me to give it up.

All things considered I'm doing great. The only thing I wish is that I could have D4 in my life every single day. Beyond that, I'm doing very well. No idea what the future holds, but not stressing about it nor trying to push it. Several girl friends are encouraging me to get on a few dating sites and have fun with it. I will at some point I guess, just not a high priority for me. If I do, I'm more interested in seeing who comes to me than me going after anyone. Over the weekend I had a lady who I work with introduce me to her little sister. It's a humbling feeling to have ladies you know hold you in high enough regard to have them trying to set you up with their sisters. Anyway, that's my update. I haven't been on in a while, but hope that all is going well for you in your sitch as well. Plan to check in on you shortly.

-B

B, plenty more options out there! You just keep being your awesome self

Yeah it's a real bummer we are forced into seeing our kids less but make the best of the time you do have together. It's all so fleeting. I can't believe two of my D's are grown and gone and my S will only be around a couple more years. That was going to happen even if the ex and I reconciled, life just happens way too fast!

Ballast, I think it's too soon to conclude she's not interested. She could be taking time to think about what she wants. She could be talking to another guy and she's waiting to see how it turns out with him. She may be shy or lack self confidence to meet in person. Maybe she really is busy. Or maybe she doesn't want to move fast. I agree with letting her go since it won't benefit you to keep waiting for her. But what did you say to her or ask her when you chatted on Saturday? Did you ask if she wants to meet?

I have my daughter 100% of the time. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have your daughter part-time. This is one of the main reasons why I would do anything to save my marriage because it's so hard for us and so hard for our children to go back-and-forth. I know everyone gets used to it eventually, but it's especially cruel and difficult in the beginning.

Nicole, anything is possible. As it had been more than a week with no communication between us I kept the communication light, friendly especially as I found out on contacting her that she was busy with work for the weekend. I was really just at a point of saying to myself that given the distance between us I'm cool with us just being friends if she's not interested in anything further. I just wasn't going to ghost her and disappear as I've had happen in the past with OLD. IF she were to contact me back sometime and be engaging with me on what I was up to, then I'd move straight to asking her to meet up...right now though I just don't see that happening, BUT I left it friendly with her so who knows.

My D4 I can see her when I don't have her sometimes. When I leave from visiting, the building has windows on 3 walls and as I leave in my car, I see her following me to all 3 walls watching me leave. I just find myself saying "it is D4 who pays for this, not me, not her mom" and I HATE that. There is no greater pain for me than unwillingly having to leave her behind.

You do guiltfully enjoy the time you do not have your child in 50/50 as time goes on, but you also feel like you are "paying for failing" when you realize you are giving up half of the most precious time you can NEVER get back. I get why you would do anything to save your marriage. Any parent would understand that for the sake of their children, BUT there are simply some marriages and some "anythings" that are just too far gone to save even with the best of intentions. Do I want this for my D4? NO! Could I have a MR with my WW right now? NO! So there it is TRUTH. All I can do is accept it and make the best of it. Will this having happened move me along to a yet better relationship/love, who knows...could I ever get back with D4's momma? I say never, but again honestly who knows. I try to take what comes my way in life with no need for control of it these days. Doesn't mean I won't set my sails for particular destinations, but if the winds take my sails in a different direction I'm up for seeing where they take me. Don't hold on so tightly Nicole. Release yourself from needing to control the destinations in your life, let the winds take you where you were naturally meant to go and enjoy the journey!

-B

Just joined for some free minutes and I�m tearing reading your sitch...

It�s glad to read where you are standing now my friend. Nice to see all your PMA kicking in! Be proud of what you have man!

Sending you and D4 my best wishes. Always.

Always appreciate your comments and support neffer! Doesn't feel a great deal like PMA...just some things in this world that don't make sense and instead of trying to fight against them like when I got here right after BD, now I just let them go best I can.

Getting close to the 1 year mark post-BD for me. Quite something to reflect on how far I've come from that time. Seems like a different lifetime ago and in fact, it was as I'm now a completely different person from who I was then. Guess it's terrible hard to vow a lifetime of love and commitment to someone and then be forced against your will to let all that go. Anyway I'm blessed for what I have, soon to be free of the one who walked away and hopeful for something good in the future.

Thank you for the best wishes! My best to you as well neffer!

-B

well...after writing her off...Miss Sunshine came back. I had actually deleted all of her contact info, but this past weekend she texted to say how sorry she was for not contacting me more, but just that she had had lots of things going on in her life and how we got off to such a fast start. I told her matter of factly she has no reason to apologize, was happy to hear from her. I said I would like for us to continue to get to know each other better and she said she would like that as well. She has since started calling me again and texting off and on each day. Having learned so much since we first chatted about texting, I'm following those "rules". As with a WW I'm happy about her words, just interested to see if her actions (wanting to meet) follow the same way.

-B

I know she is LD but you need to coordinate a meeting

I agree! Enough of the Jibber Jabber and set up a date immediately.

Am I the only one who thinks that she actually DID have a reason to apologize????

She pretty much ghosted you. That wasn�t right. It�s ok that you accepted the apology, but dont tell her there was no reason to apologize.

Hi Ballast,

That's great you heard from her again! What's the latest now? Did you ask if she's able to meet?

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Am I the only one who thinks that she actually DID have a reason to apologize????

You may be LOL. At least apologize as in the true form of that word. Had she not shown up for a date as promised, had she called him names, had she done something else "larger" an apology is certainly required. But really, what did she do? She stopped reaching out - right? She didn't ignore him - heck she answered him when he texted her. What is there really to apologize for? Unless I'm missing something here.

To me this all just seemed to start off as an odd and awkward online thing. I'm a fan of reality TV (Yeah so shoot me) but it's the ultimate in people watching. And I see so many people who get so caught up in someone - or more correctly, the thought of someone. I don't think she needed to apologize any more than he did. Yes, she kind of ghosted - or I think more just pulled way back - but he sort of blew up her phone as well. They both had things to "apologize" for - at least that't the way I see it.

Flaky...that pretty much says it all. She said she was so sorry for not being talkative. Said I had come on so strong with texting and calling and with many other things going on in her life it made her super uncomfortable. Now for sure I didn't follow tennis text rules, but I only called her a single time. And this from her who was calling me within 24 hours and Facetiming me while driving within 48 hours so at least in terms of calling/facetime she was WAY faster than me. BUT she thought I was a great father, liked that about me and wanted very much to keep getting to know me. So....

Anyway after her texting and calling me last Friday/Saturday and us texting til Tuesday, she's basically gone ghost again except for a Hey You! text Friday night. Who knows what's up with her and that's fine with me. I imagine she may come in and out of my life with texts/calls going forward, but unless/until her actions get consistent and she wants to meet up, this one is over with. For now, she's right back off my radar like she was before my last update.

Main thing is that I'm just living my life and doing my own thing.

Well that�s the attitude B. And living into reality and not into the "thought of someone" as Don says.

Take care my friend. You are doing well.

Thanks neffer...whatever happens going forward between her and I is way more about her than me.

One year BD anniversary is coming up quick and giving up D4 yesterday...I AM doing well, but losing half the time of D4's life, that is my one and only persistent pain...

Anyway in life there's things that matter and things that don't, this one don't. Moving along...

Originally Posted by ballast

Said I had come on so strong with texting and calling and with many other things going on in her life it made her super uncomfortable.

Exactly that's why you play a game of tennis with texting. No exceptions!

Originally Posted by ballast

BUT she thought I was a great father, liked that about me and wanted very much to keep getting to know me. So....

That's the second time I heard this on the board. How in the h$ll can she know if you are a good father when you haven't even met her?

Originally Posted by ballast

Anyway after her texting and calling me last Friday/Saturday and us texting til Tuesday, she's basically gone ghost again except for a Hey You! text Friday night.

STOP TEXTING!!! Make a date. If she's not interested in meeting up you are done with her.

LH...yeah I learned the lesson on tennis texting and have been following that.

As for the father part well again she knows a close friend of mine and has seen pictures of me with my D on social media and when we've talked so that is her opinion of me so far.

And yeah I hear ya on the make a date deal. She's out there right now best I can say and I'm just moving along doing my thing. Time will tell what if anything happens between us.

Did you ask her to meet up?

If I�ve learbed anything in my too many years of dating as a divorced mom....

Believe who a person is the first time they show you. She showed you she is a flake. Why would you even entertain an3 rd time with her? You have no attachment or commitment to her.

It�s Time to move onto the next.

Nope...when her first words are I'm so sorry I've not been talkative, but you made me super uncomfortable and I've got lots of other stuff pulling me away from dating, but I still want to get to know you...

I'm just treating her as a friend/acquaintance...with words like that to me there was no point asking right now as she's all over the place.

Like I say she's flaky and best thing for me is to just move along...maybe one day she comes around, maybe she doesn't...not waiting to find out...

had a meet up with my IC yesterday. told her for all intents and purposes I've analyzed myself out of any future thoughts of relationships. the risks vs reward of trying again...meh. perhaps it's just a phase in my journey, but just what I'm feeling these days. she has told me between my personal experiences and what i've read of from these forums, still that is but a VERY small percentage of the collective whole of available women. she's right of course, but given what I believe are the expectations of a modern lady vs my realistic expectation of how much I'm capable of...as I've said before at some point I'll blow it and I don't believe there's any margin for error with today's ladies. social media, real housewives and acceptance of divorce have forever changed the dynamics of marriage in my opinion. i gave it a good go, two marriages just shy of 20 years of my life...got a sweet D4 out of it, but now think it's time to close up shop and go back to enjoying the things of my youth before girls and the idea of love were a thing to me. to remove that stress and that's what it was mostly...singledomness seems the smartest way to go. IC is NOT happy with me telling her that LOL. I plan to keep seeing her as I enjoy our discussions. They have helped me heal, learn and become a better man. I'll never say never. A GF someday...maybe/sure...in a world full of flaky just hard to see it. She and I both agree completing my D and getting away from the dysfunction that is my WW will be a wonderful thing. no real point to this beyond a journaling of where my mind is these days. removing women from my thoughts has me truly relaxed and ready for my life ahead with D4. so crazy how just randomly flowing my thoughts about my life are right now. my best to all of you who are struggling and deep within the pain of your journey. time and patience.

-B

Good luck B. While I agree with much of what you say related to modern day love and marriage, I think that you should always be open to the right person coming along that can open your heart to the idea of a long term, committed relationship again. While you are right that the state of modern day marriage is in shambles for all kinds of reasons and the devaluing of the male-female relationship, there are still a lot of couples out there that get it right.

I think you are wise to be focusing on you and your daughter right now. Everything is pretty fresh for you. Spending a decent amount of time single and detached from the witch we all went through will be very valuable.

Your comment �dating in a world of flakes� you had one woman flake out on you. And she�s flakey. But don�t let her represent the population. There are some pretty great non-flakey women out there. And I think they put number the flakey ones. You�ll find in the world of dating you have to recognize the flakiness early and move on from it, especially in the super early stages.

So when you are ready, you�ll find there are a lot of non flakey women and you�ll have a great R one day

Time and patience B, time and patience.

As the scientific method shows, you don�t generalize from a particular case, right? The same for two. Everything fits into the time and patience sentence.

Enjoy your D and feel the freedom. Love is always around. Relax and be yourself.

No kick a$$ emojis now, but a big hug for you and D.

(((B)))

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Believe who a person is the first time they show you.

This is so very true. People will show us who they are if only we will believe them! I can't tell you how many times something happened early on but it's really patterns of behavior we need to watch for. Still after the patterns appear it's uncanny how an example of that pattern was shown early on. You don't want to jump to conclusions though either but I cannot agree more how Ginger is correct in this - believe who a person shows herself to be!

Originally Posted by Ginger1

There are some pretty great non-flakey women out there. And I think they put [out] number the flakey ones.

Oh how I wished this were true but sadly when it comes to AVAILBLE women, flakey outnumbers non-flakey all day long. Sad but so very true.

LOL so after 3 weeks of again ghosting...as many ladies predicted Miss Sunshine reappeared. Called me this past Saturday afternoon, but left no message and didn't text after I had missed her call. Since it had been 3 weeks, I had made her uncomfortable calling...I just let it go. Monday morning I wake up to a text that was sent in the middle of the night saying "I guess people don't call people back anymore" with a sad face. LOL! I could not believe she wrote that. Anyway as I am ok with being friendly with her I engaged her in text Monday although I've given up trying to ask her out. Texted all day Monday and then as before following my last text she went silent and was silent all day yesterday. Figure she's gone once again until she's not. Anyway I have never had a lady flake as hard as this girl has. It's more like an "experiment" with me now to see how many times she'll run away and then come back, only to take off again. I was betting for sure she wouldn't call back again, but the ladies were right. So strange.

On the soon to be wwEx front, agreement should be this week or at latest next. WW as throughout as been completely silent towards me and only wants D'd ASAP. My gut continues to tell me she must have someone else to be like this, but she is also amazingly impatient and believes the world should bow to her wishes. I'm happy to see a final resolution in sight and the paperwork is just to make official how we've been for better than a year now. To be free and have my life back and severed from her completely at least except for where D4 is concerned will be a wonderful thing. Given how utterly avoidant and bizarre she has been throughout I will say again that I will never consider a reconciliation with her nor will I have a friendship with her. I will continue to work with her as a faceless entity to raise our D4, but that is the extent of it. I think as like most places it will take about 8-12 weeks to become final, but once the agreement is done I'll consider it a foregone conclusion.

Thank you all for your thoughts on dating and how I'm feeling. Steve, as I have always desired a forever, committed relationship with one woman I am sure that so much of me will try to remain open as possible to the idea of another relationship. I just think modern day marriage is more like "the best 5-6 years of your life until you get unhappy and/or someone better comes along". Above all else it is so terrible for the children. They are the ones who pay the most when dysfunctional adults both men and women allow their entitled, selfish ways to lead their lives. I hope God is putting me through these trials to prepare me for better days ahead. I keep my faith in that while I try to restore my hope.

Ginger...well I'd say it's less intentional about me focusing on my daughter and I and more like given the mess I have found in women, that's all I got and I know that love is certain and it far and away sustains me way more than any woman ever could. As I've said before I'm not bitter or angry at women, simply put just don't think I can meet the level of demands that they all seem to have even when they can't even define what it is they want. I'm just beyond Meh with them all. The risks vs any reward I just don't see anymore. It's a shame as I really do love and respect all women and would love that forever love some day, but the expectations of today's women...for sure one day I'd blow it somehow and no matter what I tried, it would be game over just as it has been with all of my priors. And more importantly how much of myself must I sacrifice to meet their needs? I was a good husband to each of my two wives, loving, committed, great provider and great father and yet it still wasn't enough. God knows I had my faults and could have been even better, but how much of me must I give up to please them? Outside of men leaving their wives for physical pursuits, how many men walk away for other reasons? I would wager not many because look at how many men come back once the outside sex dries up. Where are the women who are willing to reciprocate to make their man happy? Both genders are to blame for making a mess of modern marriage, holistically I just don't see if I give 100% that I'll get 100% back in return.

Neffer...time, patience yes...and apathy. At least from the prospect of relationships, I have put blinders on to the entire gender of women. I just exist in a world of play time and love with D4 and enjoy hanging out with my buddies when D4 is not with me, but I move past women as if they aren't even there. Am always respectful to all of them, but my walls are so high I don't even "see" them anymore. It's like I'm living the adult version of a 12 year old boy. Nothing, but all fun before girls were ever an interest of mine and it's fantastic. No concern about how they view me, no stress on this girl, that girl, just devoid of romantic feeling towards them. Maybe one day it will come back. As I said to Steve I know fully and strongly within me I'm a hopeless romantic and really want that forever love I've sought all my life. Right now though I'm just fully packed up and way off the playing field so to speak.

DonH...I definitely took Ginger's quote to heart in dealing with Miss Sunshine. That she is THAT flaky...never experienced that before. You hit on another part of my thought process. IF I were to want to date again what is the pool of available women like. For one thing I would exclude any woman who did not make comparable money to me. She could be the sweetest girl in the world, but as experience has shown me if we married and she later flaked, I simply could not take the economic hit, so they are out. Any woman who left their husband for their "happiness" I want no part of. Of the ladies on OLD sites that's probably a fair number. I do not want somebody else's WW. I DO believe though that there are a HUGE number of wonderful women who were left behind spouses to their husbands affairs and those ladies I would love to meet. I love children so ladies with or without children would be fine with me. The ONLY concern I have as they rightly may have with me is how badly did the betrayals that each of us experienced screw us up for future relationship success. I'm more optimistic good women are out there...they are just going to have to come find me as my looking days are over. I'll be on the playground with D4! :-)

-B

Originally Posted by ballast

That she is THAT flaky...never experienced that before.

I think you said she's a younger lady? I have a friend that is in his 40's and has been dating younger women for the last 5 years or so, he started about the same time I did before settling in with my GF. We both had our share of this same type of thing where some would blow up our phones and then go dead silent. I can't tell you why some are like that, but I can tell you that it's not unusual. And it probably won't change, the ones that are like that stay like that. If you want to keep talking to her as a friend then it's no biggie, but don't plan on a R with her because it's unlikely to happen. She probably just wants a part-time text buddy.

Yeah she is...34. I'll keep her on SM and for sure R I dropped that idea after the last ghosting. I engaged the passive/aggressive just to see what she wanted. Any further comms...I'll just stay silent. If she drops off my SM, no loss.

Well after a "discussion" last night, it looks as though our townhouse will be selling. I'm on the one hand excited about the opportunity for a completely fresh start, but very much concerned about how this will impact D4. If anyone has "success" stories about how their children adapted to leaving the marital home and flourished/became happy in a post-D new place, I would love to hear them. Many of my friends from divorced parents have told me that so long as I fill whatever new place with love and make D4 a part of it, that she will be just fine. It's encouraging to here from others who have lived what she is about to do and I definitely plan to make wherever we end up the greatest place possible for her and I.

Oh and...Miss Flaky after the urgent need to talk to me and one day of texting is definitely back in ghost mode LOL!

-B

Leaving the house will be no big deal at all. Especially at 4. Between me and my daughters father, she has had many roofs over her head. More often with me. We�ve rented a lot. She actually gets bored after a few years and asks when we are getting a new place. This past October I bought a new house. Then in November , her dad and wife bought a new house. She got to decorate 2 brand new bedrooms. She couldn�t have been happier.

It�s true. Home is where the ones they love are, even in separate homes. Familiar belongings will help too. Make her a part of the decorating and she will be thrilled

Home is not a house B, home is a place

Originally Posted by ballast

I definitely plan to make wherever we end up the greatest place possible for her and I.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

Home is where the ones they love are

This is home.

(((((((B)))))))

Originally Posted by ballast

If anyone has "success" stories about how their children adapted to leaving the marital home and flourished/became happy in a post-D new place, I would love to hear them.

Kids seem to love variety, especially when they are little. Our D's were about 4 and 6 when we moved into a different home and they were thrilled. They had so much fun setting up their new rooms and being someplace different. After our separation I kept our family home and XW rented a house, and then later bought one. Even though the kids were older they again enjoyed setting up and decorating their new rooms and picking out furniture. I'm pretty attached to the family home but none of the kids seem to share the same attachment. As long as they have their "stuff" they seem to be happy no matter where they are.

I agree with the others but also disagree a bit but then, I'm in a very different stage of life and a different person.

My family has been on and around the same piece of land for almost 200 years. I never moved until I went away to school and then soon after getting married moved in to this house where I've been for more than half of my life. I have shrubs that were gifted to me by my grandfather that were from the original farm. I have trees that I planted as saplings that now tower over the yard.

I was thinking the other day as I was walking around the house in pitch darkness - even with 2 black cats who have little regard for cross traffic - that this place is indeed part of me.

My ex adored this house, even with all it's flaws of which there are many. She was moved a lot when she was younger, usually by arbitrary choices made by her father without notice and she loved the stability that this home and I represented. We had been talking about moving and I would have willingly done that for her, when she also fell in to her affair.

For S24 I think that this also represents his safe place and is one of several reasons why he is living here with me and not with his mother or on his own. And I also cook with cheese.

But I also agree with the others that home isn't just a place. I think that as long as you appropriately involved your D and that this isn't a shock and that you keep things around her - toys, furniture as "same" as you can that it will be a positive thing for you both.

Thank you all for your reassuring words! I think our moving will be a shock to D4, but I will for sure keep her surrounded by her "stuff" while at the same time allowing her to make lots of choices about her room and she will always be deeply loved by me. I grew up not just in a hometown, but also in one home all my life. I had hoped to provide that sense of permanence for her, but sadly it was not meant to be.

I know there will be many tears shed by D4 over this and I'm sure I'll do the same because of how it will affect her, but as with the D process...given time, patience and love she will come to enjoy the new living arrangement we both will build together for ourselves. These days this is truly the only sad aspect of my sitch that I still struggle with.

-B

Just like you said dear B, it�s YOUR sense of permanence. Eventually you�ll teach D how to fly away...

You are a great dad man. Be proud of that.

Thank you neffer for your kind words.

At this point in my sitch/life being a great Dad for D4 is the only thing that matters...

Well after one more meeting this past Friday night, I'm maybe one week to the end of paperwork and waiting for the court to finalize being D. Been living that way since WW left so as other vets have said on here, the actual event is more like a paperwork exercise...no heightened emotions like it is when you are just BD'd, rather just a desire to get on with whatever the future holds.

prayers to all that are suffering this day...it's St Patrick's day though, perfect day for GAL and enjoying yourself! Take advantage of it!

-B

very late last night, I caught more spew...all my fault apparently for everything. how silly of me..."I" was the one who BD'd. <sarcasm>

I was very gray rock, no attempt to try and validate especially given the pure projection being slung at me and simply because I have no feelings anymore towards WW. I like to believe that through my faith, God is healing me from her through the words and actions she's shown me. just have nothing left for her and i'm totally at peace in saying that.

have a contractor coming to take a look at the townhome tomorrow. few things needing to get fixed for it to sell.

-B

I don't get it, you're on the verge of wrapping it all up and she wants to come at you like this? There is no figuring out the mind of some WAS's. Sounds like you handled it smoothly, glad to hear her ranting isn't affecting you, well done!

thanks as always AS!

best I know my IC has told me projection protects guilt as anger protects fear. my IC (and as we've seen a few times on here) believes that it is actually still possible WW may blink before we're finalized. that to me would be unbelievable but as we've all seen on here, anything is possible.

i just have no feelings anymore towards her. i am sad for D4, but myself i have set the plane on autopilot so to speak and if chapters in life are like rings on a trapeze, i'm COMPLETELY at peace being in midair between them.

just want to be done with her.

Please start a new thread and link your two threads together. Thanks!

Link to my new thread...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2842357&#Post2842357