At the Legal Endgame! - DivorceBusting.com

Previous Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2817145&page=all

Not going to do a long recap - anyone interested in my journey from day 1 can go back to the previous thread links and find my entire story. Here are the main tidbits: BD in spring 2017; W moved out in a few weeks after that; we sold our brand new first home that we had bought 6 months ago; started DBing just after W moved out; definite EA; I started to put my life back together, which didn't really pick up until 6-8 months after BD; spent most of 2018 doing personal recovery work and figuring out life; I started the separation agreement process end of 2018 - we both agree on everything and so it's just getting paperwork done; and we will jointly file for D as soon as the agreement is done with.

Hence, the title of this thread. I am in the legal endgame right now and once all of that is done, it will finally close this chapter in a formal way. I don't have any desire to recon with W even if she flips the switch - she needs to do too much work and I don't want to wait around for that eventuality - the chances of that happening are very remote.

I am doing really well. Had some major setbacks on 2018 and I had to shelve some of my personal goals and plans, but I am getting healthier and should be able to pick it up in a month or so. I am so looking forward to it.

Kids are doing better, but they do still have some difficult days. My parenting game is on point and my relationship with my kids is a thousand times better as I have gone through my own personal growth which has allowed me to improve myself, resulting in my improved parenting.

I am diligently working on my growth mindset and here are some things I am doing this year:

1. Learning French. I started classes and hopefully by the end of this year, I should have a good working knowledge of the language. It will be an added skillset making me more marketable in the job market, but also great to add another language in my arsenal. I already speak 4 languages.

2. Get my diet and workout routines down.

3. Consistently do meditation and waking up early. Get proper sleep every night.

4. Be brutally intentional with my time. I have a schedule that I follow and it's amazing how much I can get done. The schedule also includes down time so I can recharge.

5. Get my main GAL activities on and be diligent about my physical healing so that I can start doing more stuff.

6. Have $hitloads of fun this year and plan some solo travel and travel with kiddos.

7. Start dating

I know there were some previous convos on my last thread and I will bring them back here. Don't worry about threadjacking - I am at a point in my sitch where we can have more wide ranging conversations as I am not looking for direct feedback on anything. I have my DBing and what I need to do covered.

SoTorn, AS, and Davide:

Thanks for the perspective on dating and what your experiences have been. I am also wondering if the dating scene is better in larger cities. I was on a couple of dating apps and it was a bit absurd. However, I need to up my game and I also want to meet women in natural settings. 2018 was more of a hermit stage for me as my main GAL activities took a hit. But with me ramping those up this year, I know that I will have more opportunities.

Sex is abundant if you just want to get laid and you relax your standards - men and women. I know I can get that if I want, but I think I'd rather have a date along with it than just being strictly between the sheets business. I am looking for some connection. I am excited to explore all of this and I'll keep y'all posted on my trysts with dating.

Maika,

I am glad to hear that you are feeling ready to put yourself out there. You have a very clear idea of what you want, and more importantly of who you are, and that will serve you well in the dating arena. My only recommendation would be to push the limits of your comfort zone as much as you can without betraying your values. Putting yourself out there, dating different people, making yourself vulnerable - these can all be highly uncomfortable, but it is in that discomfort that most of our growth happens. I look forward to hearing of your adventures.

And I look forward to hearing about you heading back to the climbing gym soon as well!

I have followed your sitch from the begining, great strides you have made. I also commend you are being able to navigate the negotiations for separation/divorce. I for one cannot understand why in my sitch I am still married. I saw Joseph9 get D'ed rather quickly and I was hoping for the same.

2019 will be a great year Maika, I wish you all the best.

As for the dating sites, you will be in crazy world with many broken people. Most of whom are not trying to better themselves.

Thanks Davide for the dating advice. Yeah I definitely need to get outside my comfort zone and also start meeting people naturally. I can't wait to get back to the climbing gym. I have been working diligently on my rehab and I am at 99.9% on my knee. I think a few more weeks of strengthening the knee will get me there and then I can start back from scratch. My plan for 2018 was to get to at least a 5.11a. So, let's see how I do when I get back and how quickly I can progress and then I will calibrate my climbing goals for the year.

BH - Thanks for dropping by! I do follow your sitch as well and sounds like you are in a very good place for yourself. Getting through the legal bureaucratic stuff will be a good closure for me. Hopefully can get it all wrapped up in the next 4-6 weeks. Dating sites - thanks for the tip as well. I know what I want and I am in no rush so that's working for me at least.

Will keep y'all posted on how things go

You have been a beacon of strength Maika, you did some soul searching and did all the hard work it takes to fix as many flaws you have. You will make a great life for yourself, you have the will, courage and now the knowledge.

Thanks a ton Sia! I hope you and your babies are doing well. When I look back at Jan 2018 and now with 12 months passed, it's like night and day. I am in such a better place now. All the best and keep us posted in your thread how things are going.

I love your initial post in this thread, lots of talk about where Maika is heading in life and very little talk of W

Love your to-do list too! Nice work!!

Thanks for the fist bump AS! Yeh, exW is pretty much in the rearview mirror and getting further and further out where I can barely make her out in my view. 2019 has already been pretty good so far, and it's just getting better. Feeling excellent! Hope you're doing more than well.

Maika!

I love your update. I have always been impressed by your positive attitude towards life and the way you work to improve yourself. We all have a lot to learn from your success story. We all need to look inward, grow from the inside out, and believe in a better future (with or without our S). That is the way it's done, brother. The only way IMO. I hope you will keep posting updates and giving advice to others. I think your advice is solid. ... and I know you are going to be killing it in the dating world ;-)

Blu

Yo M keep trucking!!

Oh yeah, M for Master!

Blu - your words brought tears to my eyes. I'm amazed that my positive attitude and mindset is coming through with my words. If you had known me for the past few years, you would've immediately known that I was Mr. Doom and Gloom. My depression had really hollowed me out and I didn't even know it. Everything I viewed was through a lens of negativity and withdrawal. That is probably the biggest 180 I have done is to work on the roots of my depression and get a new level of gratitude towards life. I just had so much internal work to do to get here and I won't take it for granted EVER. At this point, I genuinely feel grateful and optimistic about everything for my life, and I am coming to appreciate the struggles of my past as defining factors that have allowed me to chisel myself to who I am. Thanks so much for your kind words. It meant a lot to me. I feel like I have rediscovered my self again - hence I use that DBing is about 'reclaiming' yourself. I really feel that I was able to connect to my self and bring him out through this ordeal and arduous process. By no means I am done, but I try to share what I can where my perspective and experience would make the most impact. Hope you're doing well.

J - you're a brother to me and we have gone through thick and thin here as we came here around the same time. It's so awesome to see you flourishing and living life to the fullest. You my soul brother for sure!

Nef - what can I say? you are always around with love, hope, and optimism that is unparalleled on this board. Thanks so much for always being in my corner and you know I am in yours in a heart beat. Keep spreading the love and positive vibes!

Originally Posted by Maika

SoTorn, AS, and Davide:

Thanks for the perspective on dating and what your experiences have been. I am also wondering if the dating scene is better in larger cities. I was on a couple of dating apps and it was a bit absurd. However, I need to up my game and I also want to meet women in natural settings. 2018 was more of a hermit stage for me as my main GAL activities took a hit. But with me ramping those up this year, I know that I will have more opportunities.

Sex is abundant if you just want to get laid and you relax your standards - men and women. I know I can get that if I want, but I think I'd rather have a date along with it than just being strictly between the sheets business. I am looking for some connection. I am excited to explore all of this and I'll keep y'all posted on my trysts with dating.

I had a dating app set up. Tried it both on friend mode and date mode. I met five women through that. Before I even started talking I had advised of my sitch and that I wasnt trying to hookup or marry someone. All were ok and met for a very casual meet for coffee or food. Very casual talks about life experiences. Never had any interest in furthering even a friendship with all five. Two of them tried to pursue me very quickly, one for love and one for sex. Blocked both.

Depends on where you live. Meeting women where I live is easy, meeting one that you even mildly like is difficult.

That being said I met a sixth woman without trying to even do so as a date or anything. I had been talking about a FB group subject with this woman. Not even a hint of any sort of pursuit or relationship type talk, just benign chatter about a topic.

We ended up eventually talking about my sitch. This woman is 13 years younger. I got invited to meet in person as she lives out of state and I was attending an event, one of many, in said state. I met this woman and yes i can say i more than mildly like her and i am very attracted to her.

I have talked with her about me being interested and her being interested, but that i need to get out of my MR and live alone aka do me and heal before i would even consider anything serious. This woman is very nice and agrees. Plus she lives in a different state so there is zero chance she can or will move to my state and legally impossible for me to move to hers.

So that being said we will re-evaluate in about a year and if we are still talking and meeting up once in a while we can decide to further develop our relationship. Both of us are in full GAL mode in our respective states.

This woman is hugely anti codependent, anti NPD and anti nice guy syndrome because of her past experiences. So that works for me.

And yes, I have zero desire or hope for my MR. I'm not putting myself through years more of emotional abuse. I am going to enjoy my new female friends company when possible and be happy about it.

Thanks for sharing ST. Curious - how did you meet this sixth woman? it wasn't through a dating app? I'm sure meeting women is not hard, but someone interesting is probably hard to find. However, you can't know until you put yourself out there and get outside your comfort zones. For me, it's time investment right now. Dating apps just time intensive and I haven't had much luck on them. So, I'd rather just try and meet and talk to women naturally. That's going outside my comfort zone for sure, but just striking up conversations without coming off as creepy lol. It's a brave new world.

Maika,

I hear you about the time investment on apps, it isn't insignificant. What I do like about them though is the transparency of them. It is clear that you and whomever you are talking to are there to meet other potential partners. Not that it has be transactional, but there is no doubt that the other person is "available" and not just looking for a friend. There is a certain honesty and vulnerability in being very upfront about looking for a potential partner.

I would be interested to hear where people are meeting potential dates in real life. It certainly used to be at a bar, or nowadays at a brewery or something of that ilk. But, honestly, I'd rather meet someone who doesn't spend much time at bars or breweries, someone more active. Also, for me it is difficult to be set up by friends because most of my friends in this city are common friends of my W, and so we don't speak of the situation or anything involving my romantic life. There are plenty of attractive women at my yoga classes, but no one wants to be the creepy dude hitting on women there! I find that there are few single women who frequent the climbing gym, and most of them are well over a decade younger. So, I have yet to find many appropriate contexts to meet someone IRL. However, I would love to hear what others, including you, are doing.

IMO you don't go out with the intentions of meeting people you just live your life, get out of the house and opportunities present themselves. For example, I was in the checkout line yesterday at the grocery store and this attractive girl had her food on the belt waiting for it to be scanned. There was not one of those sticks separating her food from what I was going to buy so I asked her if she wanted to buy my groceries. So she came back and said everything but my beer. I then came back and said "you don't like beer?" and then the convo continued. After I started talking to her I realized she had a ring on but that was not the point. The point was I approached and initiated a conversation with a random stranger and who knows next time she might be single. Women whether they are married or not love to flirt and love the attention, the validation. Funny thing was when I was walking out her and her husband drove by me and she smiled at me. I could tell she enjoyed it.

Just live your life, change up your route, linger in public, and opportunities should present themselves to approach.

M, great to hear a little update from you. Just wanted to let you know that you are the one that helped me through my sitch, whenever I had some issue I didn't know how to deal with I read through all your posts. I have attempted to model what I do with what you have accomplished! You've been very helpful, especially with the kids and the GAL stuff. If there has been any silver lining to my divorce it has been the relationship with my kids, not that it was bad at any point but it is so much better now! Thanks again!!

Originally Posted by Maika

Thanks for sharing ST. Curious - how did you meet this sixth woman? it wasn't through a dating app? I'm sure meeting women is not hard, but someone interesting is probably hard to find. However, you can't know until you put yourself out there and get outside your comfort zones. For me, it's time investment right now. Dating apps just time intensive and I haven't had much luck on them. So, I'd rather just try and meet and talk to women naturally. That's going outside my comfort zone for sure, but just striking up conversations without coming off as creepy lol. It's a brave new world.

I met her through Facebook. I was a member of the same group as she is and we both posted a lot to the group. I ended up messaging her about the same subject of the group and we just ended up talking. That was a chance meeting and that is the one that ended up bearing fruit.

I have a buddy at work who is a woman magnet. He is alpha through and through. I took some tips from him. You can talk to ANY woman. Just be confident. All it takes is confidence. I mean it helps to look great too. I have completely changed how I look and dress. I lost 87lbs. I bought an entire new wardrobe of all very nice clothes.

So I went from being fat to being fit and went from wearing jeans and T-Shirts to wearing the following brands.

Perry Ellis
Denim and Flower
Calvin Klein
Guess
Aldo
Timberland
Van Heusen
Ralph Lauren
Tommy Hilfiger
Michael Kors

etc etc. I started dressing super sharp. I used to wear baggy clothes, now all of my clothes is fitted. I wear medium slim fit button down shirts and 34in waist skinny pants/jeans/slacks. I bought several "dress" outfits as well (slacks/shirt/jacket/tie) and wear a suit and tie about once per week. I bought several pairs of shoes/boots etc. So I wear something different every day. I also accessorize nicely. I have a few nice watches that I rotate, Rolex, Omega, Citizen, Movado etc.

That being said I get an unbelievable amount of attention from women now. I am still not used to it. I have women approach me now, both because of my appearance and because I actually feel confident in myself now and I guess it shows.

This is a whole new world and there are TONS of women out there that would love to meet you believe me. My drastic physical changes along with me always looking sharp seems to really piss off my WW lol. I mean you can see what she says to me. Instead of "wow you look great" I get "you are so vain dressing like that" or "you look sickly because of the weight loss".

I will not bother with the dating apps again. I like meeting people randomly and I am confident that I would go introduce myself if I saw someone that I liked.

Originally Posted by Joseph9

IMO you don't go out with the intentions of meeting people you just live your life, get out of the house and opportunities present themselves. For example, I was in the checkout line yesterday at the grocery store and this attractive girl had her food on the belt waiting for it to be scanned. There was not one of those sticks separating her food from what I was going to buy so I asked her if she wanted to buy my groceries. So she came back and said everything but my beer. I then came back and said "you don't like beer?" and then the convo continued. After I started talking to her I realized she had a ring on but that was not the point. The point was I approached and initiated a conversation with a random stranger and who knows next time she might be single. Women whether they are married or not love to flirt and love the attention, the validation. Funny thing was when I was walking out her and her husband drove by me and she smiled at me. I could tell she enjoyed it.

Just live your life, change up your route, linger in public, and opportunities should present themselves to approach.

Exactly what this says. Just live your life, but make sure you do it with swagger and confidence. Women will take notice. Yes women absolutely LOVE attention and validation. You don't need to be a creeper. A small compliment will go a long way. You don't walk up to a woman and say "man you are so beautiful". They hear that all the time. You walk up and say "I really like your shoes, what brand are they? They look great on you...." and then just keep talking. And you will NOT be a creeper by hitting on women in Yoga class. Thats a perfect "in". If you see a woman you would be interested in just walk up to her and talk. Thats all it takes, the confidence to actually engage the woman is the hardest part to get used to.

This woman I met is 13 years younger than I am so there is no issue with a younger woman. Honestly I prefer the younger women now that I met one. I didn't have any expectations of actually meeting this woman like I did. It just "happened". Which was cool with me. I did think she was very pretty when I saw her picture online but thats not why we ended up speaking.

Davide - thanks for the perspective. You're right that everyone is 'available' and there is transparency. I'll give it another shot and see how it pans out.

J - You're so right about talking to women in natural settings and just casually flirting and having conversation. your example was absolutely perfect. I need to do that more.

ST - taking care of your appearance and grooming is definitely important. I have improved in that area in spades over the last year and I look sharp every day. Good accessories and confidence for sure. You have to exude that alpha vibe for women to get naturally attracted to you. I can definitely do that. I just have to be a little more sociable I think. I just went out for drinks with a friend and I had a few women checking me out across the bar. One thing I've become naturally good at is seeing if women are wearing a ring or not. They definitely were so I didn't approach them but I gave a nice smile back. I know that I am pretty decent looking and I clean up really nice. So I have that going in my favor, and of course the personality once we start chatting.

One thing I learned is that always compliment the person and not the object. So, I'd say "wow, you're really able to rock those shoes. they fit perfectly with your outfit". Something that is about the person and their taste rather than the shoe or dress itself. Of course it has to be genuine and not just some line that you want to throw out.

Good learnings here

dusty - man, what you said hit right in the heart. I am so glad that my journey was able to shed some insight into how things were unfolding for you. Yes, relationship with the kids is on the top priority list always and through this process I became even better at it. Kudos to you on the same!

M - The author of NMMNG has a series of podcasts that he puts out on dating, etc. that are pretty cheap to purchase. I would recommend purchasing a listening to a few. He has some good advice/strategies on dating, approaching, etc.

Maika, it's good to hear that you're doing well, and just waiting for the legal stuff to end. Everyone else has chimed in on dating so I won't bother except to say enjoy yourself.

Thanks J. I will definitely check it out. I have also checked out your coach. Haven't gone through the whole e-book yet, but will take a closer look when I have a chance.

Hope you're doing well too Jim. Yeh, the legal stuff is chugging along and hopefully should get wrapped up soon. I am not expecting any surprises, so should be fairly straightforward.

I don't follow everything he says to a T but there are something's that I do practice pretty religiously. I went to Chipolte for lunch and this attractive young women was in front of me trying to decide what type of drink she was going to get. I told her....."Pick water it is much healthier". She just looked at me and smiled. I approached and she got validated for the day!

Originally Posted by Joseph9

I don't follow everything he says to a T but there are something's that I do practice pretty religiously. I went to Chipolte for lunch and this attractive young women was in front of me trying to decide what type of drink she was going to get. I told her....."Pick water it is much healthier". She just looked at me and smiled. I approached and she got validated for the day!

This is exactly how you should act. Just talk to them. That is all you have to do. You see a woman you are attracted to, take the initiative and go talk to her. You never know. If you don't talk to her your chance is 0%.

Hey M.

Just have one hug with kick in the *ss emoji attached left here. So the hug goes for your kids...

With all my love of course.

(((M)))

Thanks Nef! Much love to you too. All's good in the hood. The separation agreement process is almost at the end and then the D papers should be fairly straightforward - we can just file it online and it's all done. Very smooth process and then it's just a waiting game to get the D decree back and it's all official. Hoping that it's all tied up by April at the latest.
Hope you're doing well and everything is bright.

Maika,

Good to hear! I am hoping that my D process is just as buttery smooth as yours. I'm trying to avoid lawyers unless absolutely necessary.

Have you started climbing again? I have only been twice in the last two weeks and I am missing it!

Hey D,

Yeh, I had to engage lawyers for the separation agreement because it's tricky and I wanted an agreement with good legal standing. Plenty of people have tried to DIY this process and seen the agreements thrown out in court. Then you end up spending more money and the process lingers on. I just wanted to get it done right the first time around and so it's over with.

WIth the D, we just have to fill out some forms, get some of them notarized, and pay the fees. Then it's done and it's just waiting in queue for a judge to look at it and make the D decree. No need to even go to court. Gonna avoid the lawyers for the D process as we can do it ourselves. I don't anticipate any major problems.

Hope it goes smooth as well. My advice is that if you can get everything hammered out between the two of you, then you can avoid lawyer fees and costs. The separation agreement might cost me about 3K, but it's worth the investment to get it done.

I haven't started climbing yet. I am at 99.9% with my knee. My plan is to start in March, and take the next few weeks to strengthen it further. I can't wait. I think I might just start crying when I go back. climbing means so much to me and being away has been very difficult. Can't wait to tackle some 5.10s and 5.11s this year and move up some grades and make technical improvements in my footwork. It's on my mind all the time lol.

Alright people! Maika's life just got a tad more interesting.

I woke up this morning to a lengthy text from exW about how she's seeing someone and she took the kids to meet him and his kids to a fast food joint to kinda interact informally. She introduced him as a 'friend', and will probably talk to them about who he is as things progress between them.

So, not the best way to wake up in the morning. It didn't really hit me in the nuts as I had imagined it would. I figured she's been on the dating scene for a long time and this was going to happen at some point. What I am annoyed about is that she introduced the kids to him, even if it was informally, without first letting me know. The only reason for this is that we had agreed on this previously. Clearly I am not happy about that.

I haven't responded back to her but I'll do so later today. Part of what she wrote was that him and I would get along quite well - WTF??? I am still amazed at what the WS/WAS is thinking? Like what - we're going to be some stupid version of the Modern Family? It's really mind boggling for her to think that this could be a reality. Of course I will be civil and etc, but for me to interact with someone she's banging beyond the appropriate politeness and civility is out of the question.

I have always intended to meet anyone she's introducing the kids to. In my response to her I will asking her to set up a meet as soon as possible before things progress further and he's around my kids more.

I think I will probably have a stronger emotional response to this later in the day. Right now I am not really feeling anything outside of the impact to the kids.

But if anything, this has kinda lit a small fire under my ass to keep my $hit moving and keep at my goals with even more determination. I am still doing good. The separation agreement stuff is moving ahead and hopefully gets resolved very soon.

Gonna take the day to let it all sink in and then see what the next steps are for me. I guess the timing is about right - separation and divorce is getting finalized in the next few months and she's already found someone. The closure to all of this is coming as a trifecta. Wow!

M,

Sorry you had to wake up to that.

Did you agree on a time frame they should be seeing someone before introducing?

Hey LH - no, there was no timeframe discussed. Didn't really think that it would have to go into that much detail. It was like - before any of us introduces the kids to someone we're dating, give the other person notice. I figured that was good enough and an easy judgment call to make. I guess I should've spelled it out more lol.

Anyways, now that it's done, the only thing I can convey to her is my disappointment about this.

We discussed 6 months. Seems $hitty she did it after the fact.

Anyways great that it didn't effect you much and will keep you laser focused on your goals.

I will let revenge and becoming my version of AMOAFWL propel my motivation and drive for a little. I know that using revenge and wanting to show up others over the long run becomes corrosive as you're not doing it for yourself, but someone else. But, it's a good firestarter spark to let your shuttle pass the gravitational forces and then you see the beauty of the universe and realize why you're doing what you're doing.

In the last few weeks, I have just felt so tired of living a mediocre life. Everything has slowed me down in the past and crushed me to the ground, but I can't live like that anymore. I've made steady progress, but I have found the hunger in the last little while as I have peeled off layers of my weaknesses and confronted them.

F#$k if I let my exW and her $hitty actions define who I am and my self-worth. I'm so past that, but this stupid thing this morning is a good reminder that what she's doing holds no power over me.

I have never loved myself more. I have never been so aware of my worth in my whole life - as a parent, friend, professional, and person as a whole.

I have literally felt this physical hunger in my stomach 24/7 for the past many weeks making me realize that 'being hungry / stay hungry' has a real physiological basis. The drive that I have is unparalleled and I have been non-stop in my actions to achieve my goals.

I do feel dope and I know the level of control I have to make the life that I want. I am doing it.

Maika,

Sorry you were forced to deal with this and that your W so brazenly ignored the guidelines that the two of you had agreed to. It is amazing the contortions that they can go to in order to justify/rationalize their actions, and the fantasy world in which they live. The idea that the two of you would get along great is as risible as my W's desire to remain close friends and big parts of each other's lives.

Keep pushing forward, man!

Hey D - thanks man! Yeah I think her just ignoring what we had discussed and trying to soft land what happened as her only introducing the guy as a 'friend' is garbage. Kids are far more perceptive and I am sure they'll chat with me about it when I have them soon. And the fact that she said we would get along makes me laugh so hard. What fantasy world do these people live in? She just put me aside like I was trash and she thinks this is how it's all going to unfold? Every time I feel like I am slipping, I remind myself how I felt when I was tossed aside like I was nothing and it gets me grounded and centered.

Anyways, I still haven't responded to her and I probably should soon. I am in a bit of a funk but I am going to sit with it and let it pass. I've just come too far along now for myself and I just need to keep going.

I replied back and let her know that I am disappointed in how this went down, and that I'd like to meet him right away if he's going to around the kids more. She responded back saying that she'll arrange something right away, but no apology on going against what we had agreed upon. Well, I guess that's the best I will get in this situation.

I'll get to see what this guy is made of this week then. Should be interesting. Gonna keep it under 10 minutes and let him know my expectations for him for my kids. Anyone ever done this? Any tips? I am not planning to approach it as a discussion, more me conveying to him what I expect, in a polite civil way. I think that should be good. Any thoughts?

Ugh. That s#cks Maika. I haven�t bothered talking about this with my WAH. It is pointless IMO. He hasn�t honoured any of the promises he made to me in the past so why would I expect him to now? My kids have met lots of his �friends�. At the time, it was sold to me as people he knew with kids their age that they could play with. We�ve moved to a different city now so I will never know if that is the case or not. I�ve stopped caring. It IS amazing how they think though. On BD#1, my H actually talked about buying side-by-side townhouses so our kids could just go back and forth. I thought he had lost his mind.

Regarding meeting the OM... remember... he may, in actuality, be a good guy [let�s hope for the sake of your kids]. I�m sure your WAW has told him she was in a bad marriage that was over ages ago or something along those lines. I am sure if my WAH has someone, he has told her the same thing. They can�t actually be honest. Who would want to date them if they were?

Anyway...when you meet him, I would be less focused on telling him your expectations and more focused on figuring out what kind of a person he is. What kind of expectations are you planning on laying out for him? Anything different than what your WAW would have for him interacting with your kids? I get that you have expectations, of course, but I�m not sure telling him what those are will necessarily ensure they are followed. I think it would come across as controlling and angry. IDK...these are just my thoughts...I have not been through this yet so I would appreciate others� opinions who have been through it. (((HUGS)))

Hey my friend. Just some advice. When the time comes just take Maika with you. That�s all you need...

Sun glasses for everybody!

Hey DV - good points. Very hard to take stock of someone on just one meeting, but I am aiming for that for sure. The only thing I want to convey to him is that I expect him to treat my kids with kindness, generosity, and respect. The purpose is not to put the fear of god in him, which is stupid bravado and wouldn't work anyways. I know that exW will expect him to behave in a specific way with the kids, but I believe that he needs to know from me as well. I am not a backseat parent and I expect people to treat my kids well. And if I have an issue, I will be coming at him directly, not through exW.

That's all really I need to tell him, and also let them know that this isn't going to be some Kumbaya type situation where we all hangout together and have a backyard bbq.

Thanks Nef - that's exactly what I needed to hear. I know myself and what I want for my kids and I will bring that same Maika energy to this - civil, straight forward, polite, and firm. Not trying to do some macho bull$hit.

Originally Posted by Maika

That's all really I need to tell him, and also let them know that this isn't going to be some Kumbaya type situation where we all hangout together and have a backyard bbq.

This can and most likely will change some day.

Haha! yeh LH I know your story on this. Well, I don't think I am saying this out of spite. I am a very - you're in, or you're out' kinda person. With DBing, I've become better at giving people more chances and space to see if they would be a good fit in my life. Previously if you were out, you were out for good. It's changed for me. However, I just have no desire to have anything with exW and her life. I know it may change and I may grow into a different person, but at this point I just don't see it.

The day has gone by and I'm still okay. Still laser focused on me and if nothing, this crap brings it even more to the forefront. I had planned to redo my resume to shake off the professional blues, and while doing so, I realized I've accomplished so much. This who BD thing threw me for such a loop about my value as a person in all areas of my life. I let my work life suffer for a long time and couldn't get around to doing my job well - I got stuff done, but not at my pace and level of execution. It's just a bad strategy to block the leak in a dam with your hands. At some point your fingers will slip and the whole thing will come crashing down. I needed to rebuild the dam, but I didn't have it in me so I hung on to dear life this whole year at my job.

Well, it changed a couple of weeks ago and I started not only pulling my weight, but actually getting things done at my level. I intend to keep building.

Sorry M as you know I went through this about a year ago. I still have not met my Xw bf and when it first happened mine went down about the exact same way. I told her I had no desire to meet him partially because at that time I was not emotionally ready and second because I told her that I trusted her that she would not just bring anyone into their lives. That if she felt he was a good person, etc. then he was good with me. Crappy that she told you via text and not in person.

Just remember that you will be eventuality doing the same and you will want her to show you the same level of respect.

Hey J - I remember when it went down for you. I remember it being rough. I think with the added time on my end, it's been slightly easier, but hey, I am still up and can't go to sleep lol. It was the first thing I saw in the morning when I woke up and so that was kinda crappy to start my day like that. Plus, I had just seen her the other day - the same day she met his kids and vice versa at some fast food joint. Plenty of opportunity to tell me in person, but didn't have the courage to do so.

I just remembered - in her text she said that she was in the beginning stages and this guy has potential and so she wanted to see how he would be around kids. That just screams poor judgment on her part, or she's lying about it being in the 'beginning' stages. Either option [censored]. It would be dumb to introduce the kids to someone in the 'beginning' stages of dating. I did tell her I was disappointed, but I got no apology, no nothing from her. Just another indication, on top of how this went down, that she is not emotionally healthy. Any time in the last year if I've genuinely messed up on things around communication about the kids or something that she should've had a heads up on, I've apologized and made sure that I exercise enough empathy. She f#$%s up on something we agreed on, and I get crickets from her when I actually bring it up.

She's got ways to go in improving her emotional and mental health, but not my concern as long as the kids are doing well. I did go a little loopy with my thoughts and emotions today and creating stupid scenarios where the kids would want to hang out with him more than me - one of my biggest fears is rejection coming from my abandonment issues and my kids rejecting me would take a huge toll on me. However, I know that this was just my fear and even if the kids want to hang out with him, it's not a reflection of me as a parent. I am pretty secure in the way I parent and spend time with my kids and the love I have for them. I also know they love me and I really have nothing to fear. It was kinda good to get that played out so that I could experience the feeling of rejection and realize that it has no real basis but my own emotional weaknesses that I am improving upon.

I did also play out her banging this guy in my head, and what made me feel sad and replaced was not the actual sex, but the intimacy and connection that I don't get to share. Which made me realize that I don't miss the sex with her, but I miss the intimacy of having a partner - someone you can hold close and snuggle up with. I am a big physical affection guy and so this stuff totally feeds into my LL. I miss sex in general, but not particularly with her.

I am going to go try and get some sleep. Writing this out is therapeutic and I feel already lighter in my head and heart.

I think mine prob introduced too early as well but did it so they could spend more time together. Our mutual family friend told me that my girls dont pay much attention to him when he is around and that he doesnt really interact that much with them. She also said he seems pretty strict and is in my xw ear telling her how to discipline, etc. Her issue to deal with as my only concern is that my girls are happy and they seem to very much be. They have never once brought up the xw bf to me in conversation and my 9 yr old is old enough to Express herself.

Just remember whatever you do or say you dont want it to be reflected or taken out on your kids.

Yeah I think it's the same - so they could spend more time together. I have no idea how it's going to unfold over time. Thanks for the tip on not being taken out on the kids. I'll be mindful. I'm not trying to put the fear of god in him or anything. It's a meet and greet and I am just going to let him know my expectations.

Still have a pit in my stomach about this. Feeling this $ucks. I'll have to sit with it and ride it out. This was to come at some point of course.

Originally Posted by Maika

Still have a pit in my stomach about this. Feeling this $ucks. I'll have to sit with it and ride it out.

Just remember brother, you are always going to be his number one threat and you will always be in the back of his mind.

Here is where I struggled. What happens if he doesnt meet your expectations? What happens?

You go John Wick on his a$$ lol.

Lol...well I mean outside of getting mid-evil on him. In reality you have no control over the situation and you have to trust your xw that she would not bring some [censored] bag into your kids life. If [censored] goes south then obviously step in and do what you need to do I just didnt want to make it a cock fight and both of us flop it on the table and see who's is bigger.

I'm glad I havent met the dude. He needs to wonder about me and soak it all in. Must not be that bad of a guy with 50/50, and still sending his xw money every month. Let him chew on that [censored].

Hi Maika,

I'm sorry to hear of this latest development! Honestly I think that's terrible. This is what I'm afraid of in my situation with the other woman who lives in our house. I already know she's not a good role model for our daughter. I hope the guy your wife chose is decent. I hope your kids don't realize what's going on and I hope they don't get too close to him in case he's not around for the long-term. I have to wonder why you want to meet him? That sounds traumatizing in my opinion! And really uncomfortable. If it doesn't go well with him you still have no power over your wife's decisions and how she involves him with the kids so is there any real reason why you have to meet him??

M...my 10 cents. I have no regrets not meeting my xws bf, no one whatsoever. She never talks about him and neither do my girls. My xw has also never brought him around me or has ever asked me to meet him. If she does then I would but I would really think twice before you do. If you did then you could be seeing him a lot more often. I would not make it easy for her or comfortable.

Okay. Another update. from my end mostly.

So, as I have had time to process this, I've gotten more upset and angry with how this whole thing went down. I am not going to go meet him right now until I'm more emotionally grounded.

I've just drafted an email to her about all this bull$hit and I am not going to lie down and let myself be disrespected. She needs to up her co-parenting game and not go against something we explicitly agreed upon. I am tempted to put my email here, but if she google searches it, she'll come right here. So, for now, I'll let it be. I am sleeping on the draft tonight and will re-read it tomorrow again and see if i need to change anything.

I am not going to let anything slide anymore. I've been way more accommodating and amicable about a lot of things now. I am not going to minimize how I feel and she deserves to know it straight up. Heck, she told me that was one of the reasons why she left me because I wasn't open. Well, now she gets what she is asking for.

Maika no longer taking crap from anyone!

Also, all of this just made me realize how unattractive as a person she is now. I knew that, but this just put such a fine point on it. I deserve so much better.

Deep breaths M.....are doing all of this now because of her BF? Could it be perceived you are retaliating?

Maika,

Why do you think this raised such a forceful reaction in you?

Sleeping on it and waiting to meet until you feel grounded seems like the best way forward. You always want to be operating from a place of strength and be in control of your emotions.

This all s#cks but you have the tools to handle it.

Hey J and Davide - let me address your comments.

I am not doing this as a retaliation for her BF. Here is what I am upset about:

- she brazenly ignored our agreement and offered no apology or even acknowledgment that she did this
- as the father, I feel disrespected and my feelings are on par with hers when it comes to the kids
- she's had no problems calling me out when I didn't take her feelings into account. I am holding her to the same standard
- introducing someone to the kids lives in the 'beginning' stages is either a clean lie or she has bad judgment. this has consequences on the kids and I don't want that to slide
- reinforcing the fact that when it comes to the kids, I am on par with her and not anyone else

Some other stuff:

- expressing my feelings on having to take on the burden of doing the separation agreement and divorce when clearly she should've had follow-through on it since she was the one who decided to end it all.
- She's clearly moved on and has been dating, so why not finalize all the legal business to bring it to a close?
- I've made the process amicable, transparent, and open without any acknowledgment from her. she even accused me of not wanting to see 'surprises' in the agreement. I find that highly disrespectful considering I've gone to great lengths to make sure it's been very honest and straight forward
- Her dragging her a$$ on the agreement when we are basically on the same page with the terms.

I feel like my amicability is just still NGS behavior on these issues. Remember J when you helped your ex move out to her place and then felt rotten about it later? I am kinda feeling the same way. I feel like my good nature is being taken advantage of - I need to put a stop to that.

Anyways, some of it does feel like wresting control back but also clearly communicating to her that she's not meeting the standards she's expecting from me. If I let this stuff slide, what does that make me look like?

No one is going to stand up for me but me. I've made all of this so easy on her and I don't feel good about it. Why should I continue eating more $hit sandwiches?

I did re-read the draft of the message and I do need to rework some of the language. But I am also wondering if I need to do this face-to-face rather than an email.

Okay. So I am going to do this in-person. If I am going to model being a good co-parent, I need to walk the talk. I am cancelling the meet with her new bf and just going to go talk to her on the weekend.

I did feel bad about it at the time however looking back I am glad I did it for me. I have no regrets. My daughters got to see me move her and I will always be able to tell them I did everything I could and always treated their mom with respect.

When I confronted my xw about telling her BF I told her I was disappointed since this is not what we discussed. She downplayed it, said she introduced him as her friend, and that they were more interested in his dog. I did get it off my chest although I was not sure what I was looking for in a response from her. Did it make me feel better telling her I was disappointed? I guess but at the end of the day it didn't change anything. Now if they do something together she just doesn't tell me her BF was with them like on Valentine's Day.

Remember NGS is more about doing something nice and expecting something in return. This might be more about a boundary but I have no idea how you would enforce it. At the end of the day your stbxw is going to do what she is going to do and when she has your kids there is not much you can do about it.

I did say something to my x as I was disappointed but at the end of the day I dont think it really changed anything. If it helps give you confidence with expressing yourself then go for it. I do understand that.

I definitely understand standing tall and doing things that you wanted to do and be a good example for your daughters.

I did tell exW I was disappointed, but I am way more than disappointed. I am upset. She went against what we had agreed upon - she was the one who had brought it up TWICE to make sure we were on the same page months ago. So for her to now do this and me not holding her feet to the fire is just weak sauce. I don't intend to talk to her with anger. I can get myself emotionally grounded quite well now.

The crux of the issue is - we agreed to a standard of behavior that respects the feelings and thoughts of the other person when it comes to the kids, and treat it with prime importance. She has called me out on that, correctly. Even though my intention wasn't to not take her into account, my actions made her feel as the lesser parent. I put myself in her shoes and acknowledged that and gave her a heartfelt apology, and made sure that my future actions reflected that I met the standard. So, this is me holding her to the same standard she expects out of me - it's not vindictive, but both parties have to act in a way that ensures that other parent is the first priority when it comes to the kids.

You're right about the boundary. They have to be enforceable. I just need to get a clearer picture of what's going on to see if it's worth my time to meet this person. If they are around my kids, I most definitely want to put a face to the name and him also knowing who he's dealing with.

I can't stop her from introducing someone in the kids lives and how often they hang out - I am not trying to do that. I know I can't control that. But, we need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting and this issue falls under that.

I also need her to know that I am not conflict-averse and that I will not shy away from difficult conversations. I will not have important conversations over text/email - that's weak sauce. She did that and I know because she can't handle conflict. I can have a civilized conversation and express my thoughts and feelings without emotions bubbling over.

As I am committed to my own learning and growth as a person, this is one of the most important things for me to be able to do - not be conflict averse, manage my emotions, give the other person a wider berth and not automatically assume they acted out of malice, and be direct about my thoughts and feelings. As much as I can say that I am better at that, I need to walk the talk at all times. This is me showing up for myself more than anything. I will not slink away in a corner. I am a f#$%king Alpha.

Maika, I know this all hurts, very sorry you're going through it. Unfortunately she is going to date, and you've got to find a way to be at peace with that. There's nothing more uncomfortable than imagining some OM is trying to replace you as dad and husband in your "family". I think this is where a lot of your anger and frustration is coming from, because if you look at the list of your complaints there's not a single one that's a surprise or inconsistent with how a WAW behaves:

- She doesn't consider your feelings
- She doesn't acknowledge agreements/ boundaries
- She doesn't comply with your "standards"
- She lies/ misinforms/ dodges
- She puts her own wants and needs before yours
- She doesn't comply with your "schedule" (real or imagined) for signing the D paperwork

^^That stuff is completely consistent with how she has behaved since BD (like almost every other WAW). So why is it an issue to you now? That's what you've got to get to the bottom of. I think that's a good idea to cancel the meeting with OM and give yourself some time to process this. Talk to your IC about it too.

As an aside, no OM will ever replace you as dad to your kids. They might see him as a friendly uncle or "mom's friend" or whatever, but you will always be their dad.

This too shall pass, dig down and find that strength that we all know you have. You can handle this!

AS - you're completely right, and that list is bang-on. She is still consistently acting like this.

I am pretty secure in my relationship with the kids and I don't think I am worried about being replaced. I am upset about her going against standards for parenting, when she has easily pointed that out in the past. I am just doing the same to ensure that she understands that I am not just going to take it lying down.

I don't think it's necessarily going to change any of her behaviors, and what you have listed, but I need to be able to address it with her. I can't let her keep disrespecting me, especially when it comes to parenting stuff.

Shouldn't I be standing up for myself here? I am open to thoughts.

M....I think expressing how you feel is perfectly acceptable if done in an non emotional manner. With that said, at the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing you can do about the decisions your wife makes. You will never be replaced as your kids father. As you know kids have no filter and mine have never one time mentioned anything about mommies bf and how much fun they had with him or anything of that nature. He is never mentioned.

Do some of your feelings stem from your thoughts of inadequacy? Your comments about being physically discarded by your wife and now your emotional requests are discarded as well?

Yeah I know that I can't do anything about the decisions she makes. My aim is to have a calm straight forward conversation with her about us both meeting the expectations that we have set for communications around the kids. I think I am feeling this way because I don't feel respected in her actions as the father of the kids. I can't control who and when she introduces the kids too, but a simple heads-up like we had agreed to is not too much to ask for. She would expect the same from me, and has called me out when I haven't considered her in some minor actions.

When it comes to the kids, she needs to walk the talk as well.

You can let her know how you feel just don't do it with the expectation that she will change. I dont think my xw did it making the conscious choice to disrespect me. She did it because she was wrapped up in her own emotional word. Just dont assume it is all about you and her purposely trying to stick it to the man.

You're totally right J. I am not assuming she did this to stick it to me, but she's wrapped up in her own world. I just need to let her know that this shouldn't happen again and we both need to be more vigilant when it comes to the kids and the needs of the other parent.

I agree......but it made you feel disrespected which is more about you than her. I still think that touches on some past wounds for you that have still not healed.

Originally Posted by Maika

Shouldn't I be standing up for myself here? I am open to thoughts.

I don't really see how she has disrespected you, I mean above and beyond dating someone while still being married to you which is obviously disrespect but you can't control that. Do you mean because she introduced OM to the kids without informing you first? You can't control that either. She did tell you afterwards though, and she even agreed to let you meet OM which honestly blows my mind. I don't think many WAW's would be OK with that.

Hmmmm J - you bring up a valid point. Should I have not felt disrespected that we agreed on something and she didn't honor it - especially when it comes to the kids? Even if it wasn't her intent to disrespect me, but I feel that way. I am honestly curious because I want improve my emotional health.

AS - I believe she thinks that I should meet someone who might be a regular feature in the lives of our kids. I can understand that and I would probably give her the opportunity for an introduction as well if I was dating someone seriously. I think she also has a fantasy that we'll all get along and it was be some happy weird blended family situation. Her first message about this stated that I would probably like him and get along with him. I think his ex and her new partner hang out with him together.

I am not trying to blow things out of proportion, and I see that this is truly par for the course. What I am stuck at is her going against something we agreed upon, when she has had no issue bringing that up in the past.

Your wife does not strike me as the type of person to blatantly disrespect you unless she has done stuff you have not written about. I dont see a pattern that exists as it does with many other members on the board. As with mine your wife has appeared to keep to herself.

I told mine I was disappointed as it was not what we agreed upon and I acknowledged that as their mom I trust that you would not bring just anyone into our girls lives. She then started to talk about him to me and I stopped her. I politely informed her that I did not want to discuss or know anything about him unless it has to do with my girls. She has respected my wishes.

You feel how you feel M. I felt more hurt and disappointed because my xw did not have a large pattern of disrespect as other guys on the board have seen. Just think of everything she could have done to make your life difficult when she first moved out.

Say something if you wish, if it helps you gain confidence with addressing future issues, however looking back now it is really not as big of a deal as I thought it was.

M,

I agree that it was crappy of her to break the explicit agreement that both of you had put in place about introducing BFs/GFs. You two had talked it out and agreed to ground rules which she then ignored at the first opportunity. That said, it can't really be a boundary because you have no means of enforcing it. You can't control whom she introduces the kids to or what she does with the kids (obviously within legal limits, if there is abuse or a dangerous situation that is another matter) during her time. If you can't control it, you have to let it go. Letting it affect you emotionally and mentally is giving it undue power.

It seems like you feel that you have been fair to her and held up your end of the bargain. Great! You should. But you should do that because it is the right thing to do. If she fails to live up to her end of the bargain it is on her. Don't take on what isn't yours. Meeting with her in person to explain how you see things sounds like perfectly fair and reasonable step. Just don't expect her to change. Zero expectations. Similarly my W seemingly can't acknowledge that she walked out on our MR. I told her that's how I saw it, but it certainly didn't convince her because it isn't the reality she is living in. That's okay because I went in with zero expectations and full awareness that I can't change her, only she can do that. Same with your ex. Express how you feel about the situation so that she knows and can change her behavior if she chooses. But don't expect that.

Man, this board is just the best! Thanks for talking me off the ledge. I needed more perspective on this. When you're in it, it's so hard to step outside of it.

J - good questions and giving me a chance to reflect on emotionally why I felt disrespected. I believe it goes back to feeling that you are a valued person, and no one can give you that value but yourself. It has to come from within. So, I need to spend more time building that self-value up. My exW has been very much like yours - keeping to herself and not really done some bat$hit crazy stuff that we've seen on this board. So I guess I should be grateful at the very least.

D - love the zero expectations perspective. That was so needed for me to think of this potential meeting and how I should approach it. I think I have a good idea of how to go about these things now.

It's nice to see that even if you reach DB ninja levels, you still need more improvement. I am grateful to have gotten more perspective on this.

I dont think this is about disrespect from your wife. Like she purposely did this to get to you, to piss you off, etc. Hell she could be all over social media flaunting him, flaunting him in front of mutual friends, etc. So much more she could have done if she really wanted to be disrespectful. I believe she is sensitive to your feelings but not so much put yours ahead of how she is feeling emotionally. The excitement she feels of being with a new man, that rush.

You are accurate a truly self confident man, that is fully aware of his value wouldnt give a [censored]. Dont sweat it M.....I was in there either when it happened to me.

Yeah I think that assessment is accurate about her not being as sensitive to my feelings and putting it ahead of hers on how she is feeling about having a new relationship. I can see that no doubt.

So, I think my feelings of disrespect are just stemming from my own battle with self-value and doesn't have anything to do with her. Still going to have a chat about following through on our agreements and making sure that the other parent isn't secondary to issues that affect the kids. That's the best you can do in this situation - everything else is outside of my control. I like how you phrased it to your exW that you trust and rely on her that she wouldn't bring someone in the kids lives that was terrible. I think you are far too generous in that, and we've seen some of the crazy stuff that the ex's have pulled here. But, I think it's a good way to proceed when there isn't that blatant disrespect. I'll probably use a version of that statement and approach it from a wider perspective than automatically assuming that her intent was to stick it to me.

Oh man! I feel so relieved and grateful at the same time. I need to take care of myself a little better

I�m happy Maika is there by your side... You see, it is always a question of time...

Well we do have to trust them and I will extend that trust to her until she gives me a reason not to. I would hope she would extend the same to me when my daughters finally meet a girl I am dating. It works both ways.

You will be ok.

haha!!! Nef - if I could adopt you and have you with me 24/7, I totally would

You're the best. Never forget that. The genuine heart that you have is priceless. Abrazitos hermano! Espero que todo is bien contigo y la vida es llena de alegria.

Be strong hermano. I�m with you there DB master!

Just wanted to come back and let everyone know that I have bounced back and I doing good. Needed the wider perspective and I've just grown and improved my emotional health in the last 3 days lol. Thanks everyone.

M....it gets easier with each step. I hope when I meet or see her with om for the first time it is just a blip on my radar.

It�s about where you stand, J9 & M, dear brothers. You need to find that possitiveness. And get free of selfgenerated fears. Leave the instability for us, the wws. You have no opposition in the parental field, there�s no need to feel challenged. Just take a step aside and look for yourselves. You are the lighthouses so please go there and show your bright light to everybody around.

You both are at the stage of showing: "This is me and I know where I stand." Because you are there, without any doubt.

Honor, respect, ever.

J - I totally feel you on that. It's off my back already and I feel as if it was a blip. I have to give DB credit for helping me emotionally recover and my ability to bounce back after uncomfortable emotional episodes. I already feel amazing and the broader perspective that you and others offered was very helpful for me to grow a lot more and understand myself better.

Nef - no truer words have been spoken. Yeh, I know myself and where I stand and nothing is going to shake me off that platform. Honor, respect, and love forever.

Maika, I'm glad you're feeling better. You always seem to rebound fast, but finding out your kids are meeting that guy was definitely a cause for alarm. It's great that you thought through it before acting impulsively. This is a skill we'll all benefit from learning!

Hey Nicole - thanks for dropping by. I definitely was not able to bounce back faster before. Something like this would've eaten at me for days if not weeks and I would've wasted away emotionally and drained my energy. DBing and doing the emotional work has allowed me to truly get at my emotions and understand them way better - the root causes and then doing something to chip away at the root cause. In this case it is me improving my self-worth and value. I keep at that with doing everything to the best of my ability every day - at work, with kids, with my personal goals. I do a check nightly to see if I operated with my values today and what I can do better. And I don't judge myself for failing. I take it as a data point, scrutinize it, and then plan to do better. It's been amazing when you get emotionally healthy and improve how you talk to yourself.

So, I had a brief chat with W today in person for about 15 mins. I basically laid it out for her in a calm collected manner. She explained to me why she did what she did - I wouldn't do it her way, but I at least understand it. However, she still went against our agreement and I didn't let her get away with that. The most I got was an acknowledgment, but no apology. it was absolutely hilarious to see.

There is so much anger still in her and she is not emotionally healthy. I said my piece and then it was pretty much over. She got slightly defensive but I was just cool and as a cucumber and it was intoxicating to be in that sense of detachment and control.

I will most likely meet the guy as he's going to be around the kids enough for me to put a face to a name and take a brief stock of him. I'll probably wait a few weeks to get everything settled. She wanted me to meet him right away and I could sense that this was a check mark for her to be like everything is all done and good. I'd like to make both of them sweat for a while, but also take the time to gather my thoughts and what I want to get out of this meet and greet.

She's still in fantasy land - wanted me to come over for dinner and meet him over food. I don't break bread with anyone who is not going to be in my personal life in some capacity. Also, amazed that she would think that was an appropriate thing to do. I'd be amazed to see if the dude would agree to that. It's absurd.

Anyways, I am doing dope and still on track with life. Thanks Davide for the reminder on zero expectations. I needed to remember that for sure for the meet with exW. Not getting an apology for her breaking the agreement was just telling and I almost wanted to laugh during our chat. She's still emotionally broken and a new relationship ain't fixing $hit.

Nice update, Maika!

Your interaction with your wife sounds great, not that you got the apology you would have liked, but you stood your ground without emotion or rancor. That is the way to handle these things!

M.....one thing I have to keep reminding myself is that my Xw did not know her current bf at bd. At times I have to keep reminding myself that whatever feeling I have towards my Xw her bf has nothing to do with it. He had nothing to do with what happened to me, it is not his fault. He is just some dude, that finds my Xw attractive, and is now dating her. Sure maybe he didn�t use the best judgement in starting to date someone who wasn�t officially divorced yet but that is on him and again has nothing to do with what happened to me.

J9, good advice!

M, glad to see how you are progressing.

xW still hasn't met my GF and I haven't met her BF (I think they are still together) and it's been over a year. I don't think, personally, that you have to meet other person, unless you want to. But, as has been pointed out before, He might actually be a nice guy.

xW and I never had a timeframe on when we would introduce our new partners. I simply said "When I satisfied it is stable and long term". For me that ended up being 10 months.

The one thing rolling around my head if I were to meet him in the 'beginning stage' of them dating is to simply shake his hand at the end say 'Good luck'.

Sup JM!!!

Good to hear you're doing well too. I would not have any interest in meeting him if we didn't have kids. The only reason I am going to meet him is to get some sense of who this guy is. If I didn't have kids, I would've been outta Dodge a long time ago.

About her saying it's in the 'beginning' stages - don't believe a word they say. If she's introduced him to the kids I doubt it's in that stage. But in any case, it's good luck to him nonetheless. Let him figure this out lol. His personal situation sounds kinda terrible too so don't know how emotionally healthy he is. But not for me to judge or worry about. All I know is that if two emotionally unhealthy people get together, ain't leading to nothing good. If he is emotionally healthy, he should be able to spot that my exW ain't his cup of tea.

But again, not by battle to fight. I am just out and I plan on staying wayyyyy the hell out.

Yeah, totally agree on staying the hell out.

I've talked to xW a bit about her dating life only in the context of our kids to make sure they are safe. I am confident that she wouldn't let anyone that could bring harm to our kids anywhere near her, so that hasn't been an issue.

Hopefully your legal issues can speed along and you can move on to the next phase of your life. It's scary yet exciting.

I've been working every day to put my values in practice and operate from a place of authenticity. Just came across someone's work that has been great in centering the work that I've been doing in my path of recovery and wellness. If you google the Four Agreements, you'll find the author and their work. The Four Agreements are something I've been doing unconsciously, but it was nice to see it codified and elaborated upon. Just putting it here to see if it might be of use to anyone else.

1. Always be impeccable with your Word
2. Don't take anything personally
3. Don't make assumptions
4. Always do your best

Simple yet profound when put in action!

Maika,

Good stuff there.

Of course the devil is in the details. I think that I, and most people, fail at each and every one of these precepts on a daily basis. I don't think that there is anything wrong in striving for these things, in fact I think authenticity is absolutely crucial. However, I can also see how it might be counter-productive to beat yourself up over your shortcomings. I try to do my best, but I know that I often come up short, be it in my classes or in my interactions with others. I could sit and stew about those failings for days on end, but I don't think it would help me. Maybe I should do my best within the context of my situation, but then am I just letting myself off the hook? It's tricky. The same with the other precepts. Is there value in having them as signposts that let us know when we have wandered off the path, while acknowledging that straying is inevitable?

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to reflect on this.

You bring up a crucial point Davide - the point is to strive for this and not beat yourself up for falling short. We all fall short on them every day. For me they are guideposts that allow me to recenter how I am approaching my life and also what my internal conversation is with myself.

I think your point about letting oneself off the hook is valid. I think if you're trying to practice honesty and intentionality, you have to be able to self-assess truthfully without placing judgment on yourself. From practice, this is hard to do because if your self-assessment is negative, then you have to step outside of yourself and know that it doesn't reflect on you as a 'bad' person. It's just that you fell short and you aim to do better. So many people including myself in the past conflate the 'I did a bad thing' to 'I am a bad person'. You have to decouple those thoughts and understand that failure is part of the journey and you're only doomed to repeat it if you don't learn from it and engage in personal growth. Doesn't mean that the failure may not happen again, but your response to it will be different. I believe this is probably the most important thing I have learned in my journey to improve my emotional fitness.

So yeh, there's tons of nuance to this and having honest self-reflection and balancing different viewpoints objectively as possible can point you in a forward direction.

Quick update!

Met with exW's new squeeze earlier this week but didn't have time to update all y'all. Well, we met for 15-20 minutes over a beer and it went all good. The guy is completely different from me, but it would've been weirder if exW had found someone close to who I am. He's a nice enough guy and being a parent himself with 50/50 split, he understands the landscape very well and also what his role would be with my kids. He sounds like a really caring and involved father, which was good to see.

If I had to give one word to exW's choice, it would be 'safe'. He is a regular dude with a regular job and is humming along in his life. Nothing wrong with that, but definitely not an alpha male. Just didn't get that vibe from him.

I didn't come out guns blazing, but it was interesting to see who exW went after in terms of an R. Not sure where their R is going, but we'll see.

Honestly, I felt so good after the meet. Not because I felt like I was in competition with this guy, but just gave me a good idea of where I fit in the dating landscape and what I am after. I was emotionally cool and I feel super indifferent about exW and her life path. I went in the meet with the attitude that I was going to meet 'The Rock' as my exW's new bf and that he was going to be superior to me in every regard. That emotional attitude help me temper my own approach and just to be myself. He is him and I am me - we both have value as human beings and who exW wants to be with is her preference. Doesn't reflect on me as an individual and what my worth is.

I know I am in a really privileged situation with this because this guy is not an OM that my exW cheated with. If that was the case, this meet would not have happened. If a guy was actively involved in the destruction of my marriage, I already know his character and level of integrity. No need to find out more. But, I am so lucky that I am not in that position.

I am charting my own journey and meeting this guy felt like a huge closure to me. Not sure why, but it's like a burden was lifted from my shoulders.

We expected nothing less from you M. Did you use your Darth Vader outfit at the end? Gooooooooooood!

Keep that light shining Maika, I�m glad for what you have achieved. Just a confirmation of what you are.

((((M))))

Thanks Nef! haha, no Vader outfit, but always the DB Vader attitude lol.

I reflected on it last night and I am so grateful to how far I have come in my journey. My emotional health is so top notch now and I feel way better than even a month ago.

I know who I am and what I want and what I have to offer. The world is open to me basically. ExW is on her own path and hopefully she finds peace in her heart. I still won't excuse what she did and how she did it, but I have definitely accepted her decision. I have not received an iota of an apology from her, but I have no expectations that I will get that. Maybe in a few years I might, but I am not holding my breath.

Thanks to this community, I am flourishing and becoming better every day.

Acceptance, no expectations, self satisfaction (...be serious, everybody!). Some key words to work on.

For the newbies reading this, Maika is one of the DB lighthouses of this place.

Respect and love brother.

And you Nef are the best supporter / cheerleader one could ask for. I appreciate everything you've done for me and your bright words have always been such a boon.

This is a good place to close this thread. I won't be starting a new one. My DB journey with exW has come to a close and I am in a brilliant place for myself. Yes, the M couldn't be saved, but I have saved myself - which is freakin' priceless.

I'll be around on and off. To all the newbies! I feel your pain. Stick with the journey; go inward; go GAL; engage in personal growth; and love yourself. You can change your story.

As Nef said - acceptance, no expectations, and self-satisfaction. You will reach it, and when you do, there's nothing like it. Much love to all that have been with me on my journey and I will continue to grow and keep on my path to be AMOAFWL!

Peace & Love

Take care my DB brother!