Old Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2818551#Post2818551Day 92:
Feeling good. Much better than this point last Monday. A fairly significant shift in our sitch. It's nothing to write home about, but it is of note.
To recap:
Friday evening I was talking to my dad who got into his verbal abusive characteristics (trashing my mom), to which I shut down. Told him I did not call him to drag mom's name in the mud. This whole call was about me. Leave mom out of it. W asked me if I made it home. I did not respond. I drove home and spent some time with D4 and W's mom. For the first time in a long time I actually talked to W's mom about our challenges, the depression we faced, and how hard it's been for us. We reassured each other that things will work out for the better. I told her I'm starting to see things turn around already. We went inside and both W's mom and D4 went to sleep. I get a call about 20 minutes after they went to bed. I ignored it. It was way past D4's bedtime. She texts me that she was "trying to catch me and if D4 is ok". I ignore it. Just as I was going to my shower (I love long hot showers) I overhead W's mom talking to W. I hear W's mom telling W that "he is in his bedroom doing something". I also assumed that since D4 and W's mom are co-sleeping that W's mom told W that D4 is ok so I had no need to respond. So I continued about my night. I showered, and said my night prayers. She texts "hello?" and then tries to call me. Ok...I pick up. She seems "relieved" that I picked up. Asked me if everything was ok. I said "yes". She said she was trying to call me to check on D4. I said I heard W talking to W's mom and I assumed that W would have asked W's mom about D4 so I did not need to call. She said that is weird and still wants to go through me to talk...I said..."uh...ok...still do not understand it". She then tried to make small talk, I just told her "yes. Uh huh" and told her that I'm pretty tired and need to go to bed. End call.
Call at 7am the next morning. I ignored it (Phone was on night DND mode to it goes to VM). She asked me if I was on the other line. Again, I ignored it. W calls W's mom about what's going on with me. I don't hear anything. W's mom just sounded irritated that W called her and woke her up. I leave the house. I get W's call AGAIN. Ok...I figure I should let her know that I am ok and that I was GAL by myself before I spend the day with D4. So I pick up. She asked me repeatedly if I am ok. I repeatedly say "I'm great'. Makes small talk and told me about the party she went to where our friends were. Told me that they are all "miss me very much". I said "ok". She said they really want to hang out with me and felt weird that when W was there I was not there. I said that they want to get a hold of me to make plans, they can get a hold of me themselves. I was ready to end the call, but she kept me on the line. Started to talk a little about her moods and feelings and asked me how I was feeling. I validated. She kept asking me that this felt weird and asked me what was wrong. I said "wonderful. Life if great". She said I sounded manic. I said "no. I'm feeling great." She kept me on the line for almost 30 minutes. The longest we have casually talked. I wanted to end the call numerous times.
Had my DB coach session. Coach was happy for me that I'm standing up for myself. Picked up D4 and took her to breakfast. W texted and asked where we were going. I said that we were going to the coffee shop near our house. She said she can meet us there. Sure. Went there and had coffee and chatted for another 20 minutes. Again, I did not ask her to do any of this.
The rest of the day I spend with D4, shooting pictures, shopping, etc. W asked me how D4 and picture taking was. I answered "great!". No response for the rest of the day until that evening she called around D4's bedtime. I let D4 answer and D4 talk to her. When D4 was done, she hung up the call.
Two or three hours later she texted me three times in the course of an hour to "check how D4 was and if she went to bed with no problems." I finally replied that she went down with no troubles. End Saturday.
Yesterday, I got ready for another busy morning with D4. Went to get some groceries and W called. I let it go to voicemail. She left a message telling me that our friends wanted to see D4 at lunch. So I made plans to drop D4 off and go about my day. W called around lunch and started to talk about her work sitch. I listened and dropped off D4 with W and her friend. Friend asked me to stay for lunch, I said I had to go do other things. Went home and...cried. Got myself together and finished getting slow cooker food going. Left for a few hours. W called and asked me if I was going shopping. I said no (figured she can shop for her own food). Went home, W asked me to clean some of the house, I agreed. Went to my bedroom, prayed, showered, and went to sleep. Think W knocked on my bedroom door and opened it and saw that I was asleep.
End weekend.
Pain,
W is sniffing. You not answering and being fully available has her chasing. Now, I'd be even less available. Don't turn down lunch invitations from a friend! (Unless maybe you had a reason to, which I don't know).
I'd put that phone down when you are out and about and live in the moment. And if W calls, oh well. You're living in the moment. You moved back in to YOUR bedroom and kicked the cheater out. She clearly is trying to get her hooks back in you, and nobody knows what the reason for that is. So don't assume it's because she wants R. But don't let her get her hooks back in you. Keep detaching. It seems like less communication is helping you do that. So quit feeling bad for her. She isn't going to have you there 24/7 if you guys get divorced. So let her deal with the consequence of her choosing this path.
Good job man!
I like that you had D4 answer. I would keep doing this.
Another thing you might want to consider is having D call W at key points. Like call W at bedtime and have D say goodnight.
You could also Let W know that D4 is OK, and that you will absolutely let W know immediately if D4 is not OK.
W:"H, how is D4?"
H:W, she is doing great. If anything concerning happens, I will notify you immediately."
something like that
.....You moved back in to YOUR bedroom and kicked the cheater out...
Move back into MB with the "I decided I like MB. W, you can sleep where you want. If you are uncomfortable in here, I understand".
I decided I like this side of the bed more.
I decided I like the bed here.
I decided I didn't want that picture in here.
I decided I like this style more than the old style.
Be manly. Lead.
This listen, let her vent, and then:
H:"I am sorry you feel that way."
I get a call about 20 minutes after they went to bed. I ignored it.
She texts me that she was "trying to catch me and if D4 is ok". I ignore it.
OK let me touch on this as a lot of people seem to misunderstand the concept of "sometimes reply right away, sometimes an hour later, and sometimes not at all." The reason for this is to create mystery about where you are and what you are doing. Let her mind wander, contemplating the awesome GAL you are engaging in. However, it is most effective when you REALLY ARE GAL'ING and are too busy to answer. If she knows you are at home with D and her mom is there, well you are accomplishing nothing by ignoring the phone other than causing resentment. Instead of looking like you are GAL'ing, you come off like you are ignoring her. Which in fact is EXACTLY what you are doing. That is NOT going to bring her back! Again, LOVINGLY detach. That does NOT mean be cold, uncaring, indifferent. Don't ignore her calls if she knows you are at home with D, answer. Now if she has D and she's calling you and doesn't know where you are or what you are doing, then feel free to wait until later to call back or reply. Even better if you call back from a busy place with all kinds of activity in the background. See the difference there?
She then tried to make small talk, I just told her "yes. Uh huh" and told her that I'm pretty tired and need to go to bed. End call.
Now that part is perfectly fine!
I was ready to end the call, but she kept me on the line. Started to talk a little about her moods and feelings and asked me how I was feeling. I validated. She kept asking me that this felt weird and asked me what was wrong. I said "wonderful. Life if great".
Don't TELL her, SHOW her.
I wanted to end the call numerous times.
Then do it. Cut the idle chit chat and just stop her off mid-sentence if you have to and say "I'm sorry but I really do need to run" and hang up.
I said that we were going to the coffee shop near our house. She said she can meet us there. Sure. Went there and had coffee and chatted for another 20 minutes. Again, I did not ask her to do any of this.
That's fine, no harm there. It's something you were doing with or without her, so if she wants to come along that's OK.
TBH, I do not want to move into the MBR and sleep on the bed where W and OM likely had sex. It's gross. I like my bedroom more and I'm likely buying my own bed.
Everything else...yeah...buckle in, because now it's getting serious. I'm done looking over my shoulder. I'm done with the friendly small talk. And I'm done with her cheating, lying ways.
Edit: Saw your update, AS. I am forcing myself not to be tethered to my phone. I may have taken off my smartwatch and left my phone in the other room. It does not matter. It was such an obvious temp check with right after she called her mom she called me. It was glaring.
And I hear you on ignoring vs. genuine GAL. I'm just needing to GAL at home as well if I am forced to (I'm cooking, or cleaning, or editing my photos, etc.). I always let her know that D4 is ok. And I'm going to assume when she calls during the evening it's because she want to check on D4. That's it. No expectations.
Sorry, to add the next night it was just D4 and I. I got three texts in the course of an hour that I actually could not respond to because my phone needed to be charged and D4 was asking for extra affection from me. All texts were asking if things were ok and if D4 went down easy, etc. I checked my phone and saw the three messages. Second message was her telling me she is going to bed. When I was done, I told her that D4 was wonderful all day and at bedtime. She responded "Perfect." and she was happy to hear about it.
I'm getting this down pretty well. This feels good.
Day 93:
I'm getting exhaused with these rapid ups and downs.
To summarize, no contact with W all day yesterday. W called for two minutes telling me she is going to yoga again and needs me to watch D4. Ok. No problem. I can lift after she is done. Second question was Halloween plans. Confirmed plans. Finished workout. Prayed (while crying) and drove home. Mom sent me pictures from a cousin's engagement. They all looked happy. I broke down and texted my mom that I'm being punished by God and this is just another twist of the knife. Told her how much it hurts. She called and apologized numerous times for sending me the pictures. I told her that there was nothing to forgive. That she just wanted to share it with me. Cried wondering when my opportunity will come. Hung up. And just went to an outlook and just stared at the river for about 20 minutes. Drove home. As I entered, I got a text from W telling me she is not feeling well and is going to bed. D4 was awake so I went in and read her a bedtime story. Grabbed dinner, went into my room, ate, prayed, and went to sleep. Heard W mulling about after I went in my room, but I did not care.
Woke up the next morning, her bedroom door was open and she asked me if I "had a cold". I said "Nope. Just waking up." Showered, she made small chit-chat, I got ready and drove in to work.
Lifting after work tonight then I don't know. Probably the same thing I did yesterday evening, hopefully without tears.
Thinking about the holidays and her birthday. I may just give one gift for her birthday and not acknowledge it otherwise. I don't know.
And on it goes...
Well, here we go.
W wants me out of the house three days per week again. Says it's healthy for us. I said I cannot do that. Lots of back and forth in which she said it's not fair, we need to detangle, etc. I refused to budge. She said that she is going to have to move out and get a third job to afford her own place.
I validated and told her that her viewpoint is valid. She said that we "need to detangle". She really wants to go back to the three day on/three day off schedule we had. I dug in my heels and said that I am not leaving our house anymore.
This is a test, holy cow.
She says she needs her space and I validated.
What should I do? Compromise? I don't want to go back to the three day out schedule again.
She leaves, and she can work to pay for it. Its her need, not yours.
She says she needs her space and I validated.
What should I do? Compromise? I don't want to go back to the three day out schedule again.
Stick to your guns. She's the cheater. She's the one who wants out. She's the one who has to leave.
That master bedroom is calling your name.
NGS creeps in I think. We shelved the discussion. Told her that we can talk about it after this week. Though in essence I may have just kicked the can down the road. She said that the time apart has helped her "detangle" and the process needs to continue. She told me that she wants to keep D4 home as much as possible and that me moving in would make D4 spend half the time at W's potential new place and the house.
The only thing I have not told her about my feelings about her are pretty much dead. I have started to act like it, too. I stopped all casual friendly talk. I cut the conversation as short as I can. I barely acknowledge her presence unless D4 is involved.
God, I'm so tired of this. I keep praying for a happy end to this but it keeps happening. I keep asking "When does it end?" when there is none in sight. I keep praying that things turn around once this year is over but now I'm looking at living this nightmare well into 2019.
I'm rescheduling a consultation with a lawyer. I may not save this MR, but I need to save myself and D4.
I don't get the three on three off, seems more inconvenience for both of you due to D4. Yes she should go if that is what she "needs". Otherwise as I have done, when she is home make sure you have your GAL plans set.
She rolls in, you roll out, gets your mind on you and not what she is doing. Don't do it for her, do it for you, and try some new things. I never thought I would get anything from a support group, but guess what they do....SUPPORT each other because they are going through the same thing. I found myself leaving after dinner and not coming home until I was ready to go right to bed....never even saw W most times....it was like we were living apart.
Most groups meet weekly, and I also found this a great way to meet new people as the group changes a bit each time. I find myself talking to new people about new things.
She's trying to manipulate you when she says it helps her "detangle". This is seen a positive, she hopes you see it as an opportunity to reconcile so that you'll soften up and give her what she wants. She's trying to put the negatives of her moving out (such as D4 not being at "home" all the time or her needing another job for more money) and use that to get you out of the house 3 days a week. F that. Your W wants the divorce and separation and you don't, this is a consequence of her choice.
And if that bed in the MBR disgusts you, get rid of it and get a new one.
Ovr/all,
The talk is coming up and we're going to talk compromise, as she felt she compromised when I asked her to leave the house after she cheated and confessed, when I told her I cannot see her anymore and agreed to the 3 day on/3 day off agreement, and her "relieving" me to be home to take care of D4 when I have to go to work. I do not want to throw her R with OM in her face, but I do not know what other argument to present. I know that I am going to stand firm on my being home as often as I can. I can GAL further into the night and come home later, which is not a problem for me. God knows I need to increase my GAL. But I cannot budge from being home as often as I can. If I need to spend the night due to GAL circumstances, so be it.
Neither she or I want D (in fact, since our fights, D never was a conversation topic. It was BAU, fall plans, new year plans, etc.). I have said that the door is always open if she wants to talk things out and make it work, but that is up to her. I have said my piece.
Also, this morning, D4 and W had a fight. D4 was not listening, but I did notice that W was less patient than usual. Her emotions (anger) was at a level that I have never seen. She was yelling at D4 in a manner that I considered very aggressive. I pulled D4 back and told W to calm down. She flipped and started accusing me of doing the same thing, and pointed her finger at me. I looked her in the eye and said "Don't ever talk to me like that again." I proceeded to dish out W's punishment to D4 (time out, no dress up, etc.). They were running late so W asked D4 to get out of the house. Repeated three times. I said D4 to get out of the house. D4 left. W cussed about D4 listening to me. I did not want to hear it and motioned W to leave the house.
She texted me two minutes later telling me she and D4 were calm. Call came another minute later.
All...she's cracking.
Pain18,
I don't know if its guilt, stress, mental and emotional instability, or all of the above. Reading the boards it seems like many WW/WAS crack. Heck my W has cracked many times. Just don't get ahead of yourself. It doesn't mean she is going to go back to the way it was. Its just a roller coaster and this is just a new loop de loop. Don't ride the ride. Stay the course and don't crack yourself.
I know TF. It just means that her life is not all sunshine and she will do whatever she needs to feel good again.
Rough times are ahead.
I never thought I would get anything from a support group, but guess what they do....SUPPORT each other because they are going through the same thing. I found myself leaving after dinner and not coming home until I was ready to go right to bed....never even saw W most times....it was like we were living apart.Most groups meet weekly, and I also found this a great way to meet new people as the group changes a bit each time. I find myself talking to new people about new things.
What kind of support group is it? I may be interested in something like this. I have found myself talking to perfect strangers about my sitch. Maybe not in detailed terms. Like my walking group. I meet new people every week and if they ask if I'm married, I tell them a little about what's going on. Feels good to verbalize it when you know the person won't tell anyone you know or don't have a personal feeling about it one way or the other.
I agree that the person that's wayward should be the person to move out. They want that life, they have to find a way to pay for it and make it work for them. Not your problem. I would stick to your guns!
Here's how much you should compromise........
ZERO!!!!!
You got married and promised each other forever! If she wants out she can GTFO! Let her deal with that. Her having to work 3 jobs is not your problem! She has another man in her life so you are not hers to tell you what to do! Why is it that you are the only one who has to do something he/she doesn't want to do?
Another song that really hits home in regards to my and my WW's journey:
Far AwayStep in front of a runaway train, just to feel alive again.
Pushing forward through the night, aching chest and blurry sight.
It's so far, so far away.
It's so far, so far away.
Cold wind blows into the skin.
Can't believe the state you're in.
It's so far, so far away.
It's so far, so far away.
Who are you trying to impress, steadily creating a mess?
Step in front of a runaway train, just to feel alive again.
Pushing forward through the night, aching chest and blurry sight.
Aching chest and blurry sight, aching chest and blurry sight.
Step in front of a runaway train, just to feel alive again.
Pushing forward through the night, aching chest and blurry sight.
Aching chest and blurry sight, aching chest and blurry sight...
Songs are so powerful.
How many songs out there show that are experiences are not unique? So many songs we can relate to.
Day 96,
I have been listening to the song I posted above constantly. And all I can do is pity W. I do not know if I'm starting to see the signs her her WW life slowing down or not. At this point, there is nothing I can nor do I want to do.
I have a fantasy that someday I can have her listen to this song and lyrics, but that's all that it is...a fantasy.
W brought her mom back to our house (again) and she asked me if I wanted to sleep in her bed. I said "no" and she said "are you sure?" I said I was sure. Otherwise, she is trying to establish some small talk, but I have completely withdrawn otherwise. I keep thinking that I should respond, but then I just think of her cheating and what she has done and what she (probably) continues to do to me, so I stop. I have started noticing a change in her attitude however. But I do not, cannot, will not trust her until it's glaringly obvious that she is remorseful or is truly done. Out of my hands and in God's.
I think this is what true detachment feels like. I am now feeling it. I keep looking behind me, but I'm doing it less often.
No major GAL plans this weekend. I have chairs to dye and a trip to the city I need to make (photo shoot), but otherwise, should be pretty quiet, possibly Sunday evening. We'll see.
I have been praying everyday for this painful situation to be over. I hope that the day for that is coming. I keep feeling that once this year is over, I will start seeing some kind of turnaround. I don't know in what from that is going to take, but I do want to believe that I can start putting this painful part of my life behind me.
I feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time. I would love to feel only the hopeful part soon.
Day 97,
Busy day planned. Errands to run. Nightmares last night that has me very depressed this morning.
On it goes.
Hold no meaning in dreams. I know some can have a disturbing affect the next day, but give it no significance.
Glad to see you staying busy!
Pain,
Something that has helped me during my dark times...say the Serenity Prayer.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference
I do this daily amd it’s helped me tremendously.
Day 98
First off, thank you all for chiming in during the weekend. I try to stay away and GAL, but I do check in once in awhile, or when something of note has occurred.
I have been struggling lately for the better part of two weeks with my emotions. I now am in full detach mode and it's getting noticed. And I'm caring less and less. When I have an inkling of a positive thought about my W, my mind immediately goes to "She cheated on you and is dating another man while legally married to you, continually disrespects you, and cake eats. She doesn't deserve squat right now". That mindset has been helping me detach more.
I also need to step up my GAL significantly. I have made little friends that are not somehow connected by my W, though I am asking my coworkers about their plans and if they do not mind some company. For now, GAL revolves around:
- LIfting (Solo)
- Photography (Solo, maybe with D4 in tow)
- Errands (with D4)
- Cooking (at home with D4)
- Long drives (Solo)
That's about it. I'm trying to find groups in Meetup, but I am not finding anything of interest. I stopped going to the sex classes because everytime I have a thought about it, my mind immediately goes to W and OM and their sexcapades. That kills my drive and desire to learn quick. As a matter of fact, and this is oversharing, I have not been able to satisfactorily take care of myself because my mind goes towards that direction, I get sad and lose interest, and I end up feeling worse.
I started going to an NGS support group. My first session was today. Too early to tell how it's going to go. I explained my sitch to them and I was met with acknowledgement. So the support group is going to be a process.
Holiday plans are starting to be formed. And I have some thoughts on how I want to handle it. I am strongly leaning towards refusing all gifts from W. I am not going to acknowledge her birthday, our anniversary (hah) and going to ask that my birthday not be celebrated. It was a joke last year so soon after BD and from the way I have been treated lately I do not want to continue to have a BS celebration just for the sake of W "being nice".
I am distancing significantly from W's friends. I have no trust in them at all. I know that when it comes to WW and their actions there is nothing the friends can do, but I just still continue to feel betrayed, especially by her best friend, who I bailed out of jail a few months ago after what I likely have determined to be a veiled guilt trip (she's good) by my W.
I wonder if these feelings are of true detachment. I am living the "no expectations" mantra now. It just feels like the support I need are online, a scheduled appointment, my mother, or someone who is somehow connected to W.
This is going into 2019. I have surrendered to this fact. The only solace I will have is that I will be a better person than I was at that point last year.
Question for you all: When W is so involved with OM's friends and children, how should I handle it? Is she just that deep into her own fog? I know it's not good at all, but hopes for a happy ending dwindle each day. This would just be another pin that gets knocked down.
Day 99 (morning):
Noteworthy event:
Just before I stepped out of the house for work, W asked me about my decision about our "living situation". I told her that we would talk about it but I remained firm on me staying at the house. She said that she thought we came to an agreement. I told her I never agreed to that. I also brought up the fact that she wanted to have a conversation about it, not make a decision about it, but have expressed my need to stay at the house. I did say that I will out of the house more doing more stuff (GAL, etc.), which will keep me out later, but how she deals with me staying at the house when I'm done is her issue.
She said something along the lines of "well, I'd better make myself scarce." I shrugged my shoulders and basically told she can do what she needs to do. So she went into her room to pack. I left the house after I said goodbye to my D4.
That was tough, but I am so happy that I did not give in like I used to.
Question for you all: When W is so involved with OM's friends and children, how should I handle it? Is she just that deep into her own fog? I know it's not good at all, but hopes for a happy ending dwindle each day. This would just be another pin that gets knocked down.
She's making herself look like an ass. She has justified it a million times in her own head and has surrounded herself with enablers. You don't need to bring it up to her, but if she ever brought it up to you You just be clear about what's right and what's wrong in reasonable tone.
W asked me about my decision about our "living situation"
If you have decided to be at home full time, and I hope you have, then tell her and move forward. No sense in dragging this out.
I did say that I will out of the house more doing more stuff
Sounds like appeasement to me.
She said something along the lines of "well, I'd better make myself scarce." I shrugged my shoulders and basically told she can do what she needs to do.
I'd recommended an even briefer response, like an "OK".
Not giving in is a positive step, but I'd recommend not appeasing her. Here's how it came off to me:
Pain: "WW, I'm going to be here full time."
WW: "I thought you said you would leave a few nights a week"
Pain: "I didn't agree to that. I'm going to stay at the house. But I will be out of the house more so you will be comfortable staying here".
NGS.
Still, it's progress.
Question for you all: When W is so involved with OM's friends and children, how should I handle it? Is she just that deep into her own fog? I know it's not good at all, but hopes for a happy ending dwindle each day. This would just be another pin that gets knocked down.
She's making herself look like an ass. She has justified it a million times in her own head and has surrounded herself with enablers. You don't need to bring it up to her, but if she ever brought it up to you You just be clear about what's right and what's wrong in reasonable tone.
I'm not going to point out anything to her. She is not my problem. She told me as much. Let her fall on her face.
W asked me about my decision about our "living situation"
If you have decided to be at home full time, and I hope you have, then tell her and move forward. No sense in dragging this out.
I told her that I'm staying home. I did not go any further.
I did say that I will out of the house more doing more stuff
Sounds like appeasement to me.
NGS.
Much better, but still a lot of work to be done. Thanks ovr.
I am so thrilled to hear you are attending a NG support group!
Question for you all: When W is so involved with OM's friends and children, how should I handle it? Is she just that deep into her own fog? I know it's not good at all, but hopes for a happy ending dwindle each day. This would just be another pin that gets knocked down.
It's like whenever two people fall in love and she wants his family and friends to accept her. She will show more attention toward his kids than her own, just to score brownie points.
Yes, it's sickening. When the affair ends, his friends and family will fall by the wayside and they all will forget her.
She said something along the lines of "well, I'd better make myself scarce." I shrugged my shoulders and basically told she can do what she needs to do. So she went into her room to pack. I left the house after I said goodbye to my D4.
That was tough, but I am so happy that I did not give in like I used to.
You are correct. It's tough. However, you are becoming better equipped. You are doing a great job in taking steps to become the man you want to be, and the type of man you want your daughter to marry some day. You are actually doing better than many newcomers, b/c you have put legs to your goals. In other words, they aren't just wishful ideas floating around in your head. You are out there changing into the man you were designed to be.
I now am in full detach mode and it's getting noticed. And I'm caring less and less. When I have an inkling of a positive thought about my W, my mind immediately goes to "She cheated on you and is dating another man while legally married to you, continually disrespects you, and cake eats. She doesn't deserve squat right now". That mindset has been helping me detach more.
This is how you DB ^^^^^^
I also need to step up my GAL significantly. I have made little friends
This is a good, concrete measurable goal. IE meeting new people.
I will talk to and meet 1 new person a day.
or
3 new people a week.
or
5 new people today.
And I agree with Sandi. You are moving forward better than most.
And for what it is worth, putting off immediate gratification will result in better gratification later. Do the work now and you will be rewarded in the future.
You can handle it.
She said something along the lines of "well, I'd better make myself scarce." I shrugged my shoulders and basically told she can do what she needs to do.
Perfect!
I like this:
"I have no intentions on making myself scarce. If you need space, you are free to leave"
P - Early on in my journey someone told me that your desire to save yourself has to be greater than your desire to save your marriage and you have to save yourself first before you will ever have a chance. Living by that motto helped me through some of my darkest days. Just keep moving forward!
Day 100:
Here I am. Officially now 100 days into a process acknowledged as Divorce Busting, but is so much more. It's about facing my past and addressing the issues that contributed to the situation I got myself into. In the last 100 days, I have learned about and are addressing the following:
- FOO (Family of Origin) issues. Confronting my parents about the way I was raised and told them about their contribution towards this. Since confronting them, I have been able to talk to them like an adult and not like a scared little boy afraid of making my parents mad and getting a beatdown for saying the wrong thing. I am not afraid of their reactions anymore.
- NGS/Finding my balls (Thanks Sandi). This is the biggest glaring cause of why I am in the situation I am in. All of my life I have people-pleased and ultimately it caught up to me in the most painful way possible. This is something that I am working hard on addressing and resolving. I do not need to explain any further since everyone here knows pretty well where I stand and what I need to continue to work on.
- Confidence in myself- I have always had a problem with my image. And facing the likely reality that I will be single again brings up the questions of whether I will find another relationship with someone else if we divorce. I have my good days and my bad days, but I have been getting a little more confident each day in who I am, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am an awesome guy. I am a caring guy. A great father. A hard worker. A funny person. I just need to show it. This is something that I need to work on. Biggest insecurity I have been dealing with all my adult life.
I do not know what is going to happen to my MR. But at this point, I am learning the hard way that I cannot control that. I can only control myself. And I'm starting to embrace it and work on it. I still pray for resolution and R, but I have accepted that R is completely out of my hands now. And I'm starting to feel...free.
For the actual day:
Not much to note. I picked up D4 from W last night. Little conversation with W. Took D4 home. Made dinner and ate together. Watched TV together and read her a bedtime story and put her to bed. Said my prayers and went to sleep. Got up the next morning, made breakfast for D4 and I, and left the house. Dropped off D4 at preschool. Said good morning to teachers (W is a teacher) and left for work.
Plans to lift tonight and then ? afterwards. I know that I am getting tired earlier which limits my activities, but that is no excuse.
Great post. You are doing the right things.
Brief update and some guidance requested...
I was cold and short with my W this morning dropping D4 off at school. I did not acknowledge her presence which was noticed by her co-workers. W asked what was going on. I said "nothing". She said that I was rude and that her co-workers agreed. Ok. I validated and told her that when I left I felt that I was rude to her and her co-workers' reaction to when I said "Good Morning, ladies" told me that I may have been too cold (rude, whatever).
W then went on about me distancing myself and "not talking to her like a normal person". I validated and told her that I am good.
That being said, I do feel that I am carrying myself into the "cold, rude" territory, which is not DBing. But I also cannot stop thinking of W doing the awful things she has done and (likely) doing to me now.
Is this just something I need to refine as time goes on?
I was cold and short with my W this morning dropping D4 off at school. I did not acknowledge her presence which was noticed by her co-workers. W asked what was going on. I said "nothing".
OK so you mentioned getting your balls back and getting rid of NGS but there it is right there. When you are cold to someone and when asked what is wrong and you reply "nothing", that is the very definition of passive/ aggressive behavior and very typical of NG behavior. So first, WHY were you cold? Try to dig down to the core reason for that. Anger over your situation? Frustrated that W isn't responding to your DB'ing? I don't know, only you do and you need to figure out what it is and tackle how to address it as an alpha male and not a NG.
W then went on about me distancing myself and "not talking to her like a normal person". I validated and told her that I am good.
That's the complete opposite of validation, you made it all about YOU. Validation is understanding HER feelings and acknowledging them. "I hear you saying you felt I was being cold and indifferent, is that how I made you feel?" "Yes, that's exactly it." "I can understand why it made you feel that way, I am sorry and I will work on changing that."
I do feel that I am carrying myself into the "cold, rude" territory, which is not DBing.
It's not. So remind yourself what your goals are, ask yourself if what you're doing is getting you closer to your goals or farther away. Ask yourself that as many times a day as you need to!
I was cold and short with my W this morning dropping D4 off at school. I did not acknowledge her presence which was noticed by her co-workers. W asked what was going on. I said "nothing".
OK so you mentioned getting your balls back and getting rid of NGS but there it is right there. When you are cold to someone and when asked what is wrong and you reply "nothing", that is the very definition of passive/ aggressive behavior and very typical of NG behavior. So first, WHY were you cold? Try to dig down to the core reason for that. Anger over your situation? Frustrated that W isn't responding to your DB'ing? I don't know, only you do and you need to figure out what it is and tackle how to address it as an alpha male and not a NG.
Now the detailed work of fixing my NGS comes into play. Where do I draw the line between expressing that "I am OK (when I'm clearly bothered by my sitch)" and not spill my guts on my true feelings? Are there any resources/books I can access? I will bring this up to my support group this week.
W then went on about me distancing myself and "not talking to her like a normal person". I validated and told her that I am good.
That's the complete opposite of validation, you made it all about YOU. Validation is understanding HER feelings and acknowledging them. "I hear you saying you felt I was being cold and indifferent, is that how I made you feel?" "Yes, that's exactly it." "I can understand why it made you feel that way, I am sorry and I will work on changing that."
That's key to validation? Not make it about me but about W?
I do feel that I am carrying myself into the "cold, rude" territory, which is not DBing.
It's not. So remind yourself what your goals are, ask yourself if what you're doing is getting you closer to your goals or farther away. Ask yourself that as many times a day as you need to!
The feeling changes day to day. Sometimes I feel like I'm progressing. Other days I feel like I'm regressing. Is inconsistency a part of this growth?
She still will not drop the three day on/three day off BS.
I want to tell her that I am not doing anything wrong and should not be punished for what she has done and continues to do.
But I also feel like that statement would be pursuit. How should I address this?
Now the detailed work of fixing my NGS comes into play. Where do I draw the line between expressing that "I am OK (when I'm clearly bothered by my sitch)" and not spill my guts on my true feelings? Are there any resources/books I can access? I will bring this up to my support group this week.
Well DB'ing does say to act "as if". Meaning even if you are hurting and miserable inside you don't show it to your W and kids. In a normal relationship it is healthy to share your feelings with your SO. A lot of us end up here in part because we don't, or can't, or don't know how because we've been raised to keep it all inside. Anyway the problem with being BD'd is from that point until recon you are no longer in a "normal" R, so you shouldn't make it a routine to spill your feelings out to her. That said, I think in this particular case then first you should try not to be so cold/ indifferent towards her to begin with but if you can't help it and she asks you what is wrong then do give her a truthful reply. Maybe something like "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to take things out on you but I am just very frustrated about our situation and can't help acting like this sometimes, but I will try and work on it." Just make sure that you don't blame her, if you are sharing feelings then make it strictly about YOUR feelings. Your response should have a lot of "I" in it and little to no "you".
That's key to validation? Not make it about me but about W?
Validation is trying to get someone to share their feelings, and then when they do, to simply acknowledge them. It is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ explaining/ reasoning/ debating/ arguing. It is just seeking understanding. We men think every problem is presented to us as an opportunity to fix something. So if our W says "OMG I have had it with my boss, she never listens and I just want to kill her." We immediately look for ways to fix it. "Oh really? Well maybe she did it because you were rude to her? Or didn't get your work done? Maybe you should talk to her about it? Maybe you should email her instead of talking to her so she doesn't yell? Maybe you should tell her boss that she's being a 3itch to you? Etc. etc. That is NOT what women want us to do! They simply want validation. "Oh wow, that sounds very frustrating, is that how it makes you feel? I am sorry you're going through that, you really deserve to be treated better especially after everything you have done for your office, you are an amazing worker." Trying to fix it just makes it worse, it makes her think you are blaming her. But validating, she comes away thinking "wow he really gets it, he understands what I am going through and that makes me feel closer to him."
The feeling changes day to day. Sometimes I feel like I'm progressing. Other days I feel like I'm regressing. Is inconsistency a part of this growth?
Recovery is not linear. We all have (or had) good days and bad days. Times we felt on top of the world and times we felt like crawling under a rock. It's definitely normal. Just hang in there and stick to DB'ing. The nice thing about DB'ing is it gives you a template for how to behave, so when you start spinning and feeling like you are losing control you can stop and say "what is proper DB'ing here" and it helps get you back on track.
She still will not drop the three day on/three day off BS.
I want to tell her that I am not doing anything wrong and should not be punished for what she has done and continues to do.
But I also feel like that statement would be pursuit. How should I address this?
Is this about the staying in the house for three days and rotating? If so, "no" is the right response.
Now the detailed work of fixing my NGS comes into play. Where do I draw the line between expressing that "I am OK (when I'm clearly bothered by my sitch)" and not spill my guts on my true feelings?
Don't discuss your feelings with her......period. Don't try to verbally express to her that you are okay or not okay. Your actions/behavior and attitude does all the necessary expressing. Frankly, the WW really doesn't care if you are okay or not. As for as she's concerned, everything is about her. She isn't interested in hearing about you.
The men in your NG support group may be able to help you in defining where to draw lines. As with most men who has NGS, I think it is initially difficult for you to know how to balance some of these areas/issues. It's difficult for some of them to understand how to implement some of the 37 rules, without more explanation. For instance, showing that you have a positive mental attitude, having a pleasant facial expression, being civil, etc...….sounds confusing for some men with NGS when we come along and tell him something that may sound a bit differently. It's not a different message, but it's his mindset toward his situation that's causing most of the confusion For example this rule means he should have this type of attitude and pleasant facial expression toward his family, people, and life in general. He doesn't need to go around with his lower lip dragging the floor or show her how devastated he feels, b/c this type of action makes him appear "weak" in the eyes of a WW. That's not to say he doesn't take serious things seriously.
Here's the thing...….you are not "happy" with her actions & choices. If you have a WW who has OM, you don't have to pretend that you are jumping for joy over what she's done........but neither should you go the extreme opposite and think she's going to respond toward your sadness and pain in some compassionate way. Your pain will not change her how she feels about the MR. Don't overkill by standing around with a goofy grin on your face, regardless of what's going on. If she's going out to meet another man, I wouldn't give her a big smile and tell her to have a great time...…..b/c she is disrespecting the MR. But neither should you go the opposite extreme and beg her not to go out, or let her see you crying, or following her around the house like a little puppy. You don't have to convince her you are okay
with her, b/c you aren't. At the same time, you aren't going to give her the power to rob you of who you are inside, or to take away all your joy in life. Don't voice any of this to her, just do the actions. (Some LBH's want to repeat things they read on the board, and they shouldn't tell the W unless we specifically say so).
You would definitely not smile and happily engage with her when she is showing verbal disrespect in front of the children. Know what I mean? If she calls and gives you a tongue lashing, cursing and/or screaming...... don't be the nice guy and try to calm her down, or find out what's wrong, or rescue her, or fix her problem. You address the fact that you won't stay on the line while she verbally assaults you. If she continues, you hang up. You have to be firm and stern when the WW is disrespecting you. I would say you always draw the line when she does something to show disrespect toward you. That's what we mean by standing up to her.
Boundaries are like having an invisible line drawn around yourself. It's up to you to stop actions that invade that boundary and inflict you with pain. As someone has said, "We teach people how to treat us". The WW has lost respect for her H, but he can get it back if he'll start addressing these issues with consequences. I'm not saying it's his place to administer punishment. I'm saying if a person treats you disrespectfully, are they faced with any consequences...….or do you keep trying to get them to like you? I'm not suggesting vindictiveness. What do you do when someone crosses the line with you? This is really hard for some guys. They don't have a clue as what to do...….other than have a discussion about it. Unfortunately, by the time she's involved in some type of an A, talking is usually unsuccessful when dealing with a WW. She has to experience some type of loss/consequences for disrespecting her H. I think so many cases fail, b/c the betrayed H continues to live with his cheater W, trying to prove his worthiness to her...…..which is not the message to give her. Yes, he needs to do 180's in his life..…...but do those that improved him as a man. Do it from the standpoint of strength, self respect, leadership, etc. Don't focus on trying to show her what a great MR you can have while she's desiring some OM. Look, she knows she's cheating and she'll only see her H compromising his own integrity and dignity to be with her. LBH's come on the board and want to immediately start doing all these loving things he should have been doing for years. He may refer to it as his 180's or whatever, but as long as she is in an A, it will appear that he's trying to "win" her back. That's not what she needs to see, b/c she will already try to twist & turn things around on him...….telling him things like how she doesn't know if she can trust him again. What?!
So, I suggest you draw the lines by knowing where your personal boundaries lie. Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, it's about protecting your feelings. For example, with the phone call where she is verbally assaulting you...…..the
action is up to you. You are the one who has to do it. She then has a choice. She can honor your boundary by speaking in a civilized manner, or not call you. The only way you will speak with her over the phone is for her to do it respectfully. Make sense?
Word of warning about setting boundaries. You don't need to go around the house crowing about boundaries. B/c as soon as you told her something was a boundary........she will test you! So, be careful, b/c you'll have to back it up with an action if she dishonors it. And, stating a boundary doesn't make it effective. The consequences make it effective. In many cases, you don't have to say anything at all...…...you just have to act.
You'll need to depend upon yourself for happiness, rather than depending upon her to bring it. During this current situation with the WW, you need to think of yourself as an individual who is not dependent upon her ever-changing feelings/moods to be the deciding factor for what you decide to do. Refer to your standards, religious belief system, personal integrity, morals, values, etc. That's what should guide you in your decision making. Nice guys have been conditioned to respond according to his W's mood swings. They believe "happy wife is happy life" and it really messes with their head, b/c everything turns into making her appeasing her. So, it's a challenge for him to break away from that type of emotional conditioning.
One suggestion that might help, is to always be a step ahead by having a backup plan whenever she tries to throw a monkey wrench into things. Know what I mean? Stop just going with whatever she wants at the moment, and start making some decisions...….even little ones. Instead of checking with her first, as you habitually do.........makes plans yourself. Always have a plan for getting out of the house, so that you aren't "stuck" there. Always have a plan for the evening, instead of waiting to see what she does or what kind of mood she's in. I'm not saying to be the party planner for her. This isn't about her. You don't want to be hanging around with nothing to do. And, don't devote your weekends to home projects...…..b/c that does not score one single brownie point right now. It does come across to her as you trying to do something to appease her. Stay away from her as much as possible. Being physically and emotionally unavailable to her, is what you need to do at the moment.
Just for the record, the things you do in this current situation, are not necessarily the same as you'll do when going through piecing.
Don't discuss your feelings with her......period. Don't try to verbally express to her that you are okay or not okay. Your actions/behavior and attitude does all the necessary expressing. Frankly, the WW really doesn't care if you are okay or not. As for as she's concerned, everything is about her. She isn't interested in hearing about you.
Just a simple "I'm good. I have nothing really to talk about." has been pretty standard. Mostly because I have been good. I still crash and cry. The last time I showed W my emotions was a little over two weeks ago when I found those emails. Short of W and OM fornicating in front of me, I do not anticipate any more "surprises" from those two. At least I hope not.
The men in your NG support group may be able to help you in defining where to draw lines. As with most men who has NGS, I think it is initially difficult for you to know how to balance some of these areas/issues. It's difficult for some of them to understand how to implement some of the 37 rules, without more explanation. For instance, showing that you have a positive mental attitude, having a pleasant facial expression, being civil, etc...….sounds confusing for some men with NGS when we come along and tell him something that may sound a bit differently. It's not a different message, but it's his mindset toward his situation that's causing most of the confusion For example this rule means he should have this type of attitude and pleasant facial expression toward his family, people, and life in general. He doesn't need to go around with his lower lip dragging the floor or show her how devastated he feels, b/c this type of action makes him appear "weak" in the eyes of a WW. That's not to say he doesn't take serious things seriously.
When I let go back in late July (the day before I registered here), I made a conscious decision not to show my emotions to her. Other than that one incident, I have been even keel. It took me almost 7 months to notice that "sad Pain" is not going to win her back. Nearly 4 months in...I'm doing a lot better. I do not show my sadness to W's friends, family, or acquaintances. To my mom, my therapist, and to you all here...yeah...I expose myself. I know that I'm safe.
Here's the thing...….you are not "happy" with her actions & choices. If you have a WW who has OM, you don't have to pretend that you are jumping for joy over what she's done........but neither should you go the extreme opposite and think she's going to respond toward your sadness and pain in some compassionate way. Your pain will not change her how she feels about the MR. Don't overkill by standing around with a goofy grin on your face, regardless of what's going on. If she's going out to meet another man, I wouldn't give her a big smile and tell her to have a great time...…..b/c she is disrespecting the MR. But neither should you go the opposite extreme and beg her not to go out, or let her see you crying, or following her around the house like a little puppy. You don't have to convince her you are okay with her, b/c you aren't. At the same time, you aren't going to give her the power to rob you of who you are inside, or to take away all your joy in life. Don't voice any of this to her, just do the actions. (Some LBH's want to repeat things they read on the board, and they shouldn't tell the W unless we specifically say so).
I keep a stoic expression. Not too happy, not too mad, not to sad. She has told me sometimes what she is up to even when I do not ask (I do not ask what she is doing and have not done so in almost 6 months). My actions are speaking louder than my words now. But I have a considerably long way to go.
You would definitely not smile and happily engage with her when she is showing verbal disrespect in front of the children. Know what I mean? If she calls and gives you a tongue lashing, cursing and/or screaming...... don't be the nice guy and try to calm her down, or find out what's wrong, or rescue her, or fix her problem. You address the fact that you won't stay on the line while she verbally assaults you. If she continues, you hang up. You have to be firm and stern when the WW is disrespecting you. I would say you always draw the line when she does something to show disrespect toward you. That's what we mean by standing up to her.
When she has a moment like that, I do calmly tell her to not talk to me like that again. Not in a threatening way, but one in which I express myself that I will not put up with her behavior.
Boundaries are like having an invisible line drawn around yourself. It's up to you to stop actions that invade that boundary and inflict you with pain. As someone has said, "We teach people how to treat us". The WW has lost respect for her H, but he can get it back if he'll start addressing these issues with consequences. I'm not saying it's his place to administer punishment. I'm saying if a person treats you disrespectfully, are they faced with any consequences...….or do you keep trying to get them to like you? I'm not suggesting vindictiveness. What do you do when someone crosses the line with you? This is really hard for some guys. They don't have a clue as what to do...….other than have a discussion about it. Unfortunately, by the time she's involved in some type of an A, talking is usually unsuccessful when dealing with a WW. She has to experience some type of loss/consequences for disrespecting her H. I think so many cases fail, b/c the betrayed H continues to live with his cheater W, trying to prove his worthiness to her...…..which is not the message to give her. Yes, he needs to do 180's in his life..…...but do those that improved him as a man. Do it from the standpoint of strength, self respect, leadership, etc. Don't focus on trying to show her what a great MR you can have while she's desiring some OM. Look, she knows she's cheating and she'll only see her H compromising his own integrity and dignity to be with her. LBH's come on the board and want to immediately start doing all these loving things he should have been doing for years. He may refer to it as his 180's or whatever, but as long as she is in an A, it will appear that he's trying to "win" her back. That's not what she needs to see, b/c she will already try to twist & turn things around on him...….telling him things like how she doesn't know if she can trust him again. What?!
I have fantasies in which I tell that I do not trust her. I want to tell her about how all trust in her is gone. Maybe she is arguing with me about why we are in the sitch we're in or why I am not opening up to her like "we used to". I want to break her down so that she can see what a hypocrite she is.
But I also know that by saying that in that manner is very vindictive and at the very least will invite unnecessary conflict. I will tell W someday, as-a-matter-of-factly, if we start piecing process. But it's all one big question mark. I just do not want to derail anything by throwing her A in her face when I am angry.
So, I suggest you draw the lines by knowing where your personal boundaries lie. Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, it's about protecting your feelings. For example, with the phone call where she is verbally assaulting you...…..the action is up to you. You are the one who has to do it. She then has a choice. She can honor your boundary by speaking in a civilized manner, or not call you. The only way you will speak with her over the phone is for her to do it respectfully. Make sense?
Absolutely.
Word of warning about setting boundaries. You don't need to go around the house crowing about boundaries. B/c as soon as you told her something was a boundary........she will test you! So, be careful, b/c you'll have to back it up with an action if she dishonors it. And, stating a boundary doesn't make it effective. The consequences make it effective. In many cases, you don't have to say anything at all...…...you just have to act.
I have told her about boundaries early on when I was busting my NGS (before you 2x4 me, this was before I was told by you folks here not to tell W about what I'm doing to improve myself. Back then, I still was focusing on making changes so that she will notice. Different story now), so she knows that there are lines that I am drawing around me.
You'll need to depend upon yourself for happiness, rather than depending upon her to bring it. During this current situation with the WW, you need to think of yourself as an individual who is not dependent upon her ever-changing feelings/moods to be the deciding factor for what you decide to do. Refer to your standards, religious belief system, personal integrity, morals, values, etc. That's what should guide you in your decision making. Nice guys have been conditioned to respond according to his W's mood swings. They believe "happy wife is happy life" and it really messes with their head, b/c everything turns into making her appeasing her. So, it's a challenge for him to break away from that type of emotional conditioning.
I have been living this, Sandi. Since I started DBing, whenever she has a moment I do not let her moods affect me. She apologizes for her behavior later and tells me that she was not mad or disappointed or whatever at me. I tell her that I know and it did not affect me afterwards. She does however, feel like she is "vibing" off my moods and tells me as much, whatever that means.
One suggestion that might help, is to always be a step ahead by having a backup plan whenever she tries to throw a monkey wrench into things. Know what I mean? Stop just going with whatever she wants at the moment, and start making some decisions...….even little ones. Instead of checking with her first, as you habitually do.........makes plans yourself. Always have a plan for getting out of the house, so that you aren't "stuck" there. Always have a plan for the evening, instead of waiting to see what she does or what kind of mood she's in. I'm not saying to be the party planner for her. This isn't about her. You don't want to be hanging around with nothing to do. And, don't devote your weekends to home projects...…..b/c that does not score one single brownie point right now. It does come across to her as you trying to do something to appease her. Stay away from her as much as possible. Being physically and emotionally unavailable to her, is what you need to do at the moment.
Always. I am trying to find more social GAL activities. It's a little difficult in which I lift after work then find something fun to do in a small town. Just another challenge to overcome, I guess.
She is starting to express frustration at my distancing. Before the email episode I shared little fun things. I stopped that altogether. I clean because I have to. I do my own laundry. I cook food for me. She wants in, she can. She doesn't, not my problem.
Just for the record, the things you do in this current situation, are not necessarily the same as you'll do when going through piecing.
First time I am going to say this, and this is something I have learned as I continue through this journey, is that I'm not looking that far ahead anymore. Nothing is guaranteed. I tell myself, I tell my W, I tell my friends, and I am telling you all:
I am taking things one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Day 102:
Brief update. I am struggling to GAL. Last night I drove out to the city and went to the gym and worked out. After that I went to a coffee shot, got coffee, and walked to a freeway overpass and just looked at the cars going back and forth. About 20 minutes. Drove back home late, prayers and went to sleep.
W called me once during the night to see if I made it in. She then went into my bedroom turned on my light and quickly turned if off after she saw I made it home.
She called me and made small talk and tasks that needed to be done.
I'm fine with things being as-is. At least I am not down right now.
Just keep GALing. No excuses. Stay busy!
She apologizes for her behavior later and tells me that she was not mad or disappointed or whatever at me. I tell her that I know and it did not affect me afterwards. She does however, feel like she is "vibing" off my moods and tells me as much, whatever that means.
She may be frustrated that she can't get the reaction she wants from you. A lot of women use their tantrums or tears as a manipulation tool to invoke certain responses from the man.
Always. I am trying to find more social GAL activities. It's a little difficult in which I lift after work then find something fun to do in a small town. Just another challenge to overcome, I guess.
I understand that small towns don't offer much "fun stuff", if any. It's good if you can find fun things, but just getting out of the house helps keep you distant from her drama. Is there a library that stays open later? You could do your reading, or maybe even your DB posting while there. What about some type of volunteer service to help others? Are there any late hour variety stores open? You can always go and just look around.
Day 103,
Nothing groundbreaking to report. W is still trying to chat about news, events, holidays, etc. I reciprocate and I am not as cold as I was earlier in the week, though the temptation is there, especially when I think about her treatment of me. She dropped off D4 at my work last night so she can go to her meeting. Once again told me about the weight I'm losing. The weight loss observations are very interesting. She is now bringing it up about every two to three weeks. I do not understand why and to be honest, I do not care. I let go of the "small signs" BS weeks ago.
Saw doctor yesterday. Gained weight but I'm confident it's muscle. I lost 1/2" of fat, so I'm very happy about that. Continuing to make dietary changes. I need to eat more veggies.
Sandi, Steve, thanks for the GAL support. I am doing things on my own that are considered, by definition, GAL. I think the part where I do not feel it is not as genuine as I want it to be is where I am just out with my thoughts by myself. I do go to bookstores, coffee shops, stores, as well as go on the occasional photo shoots, but the common there is that I am doing these things alone. I am struggling mightily to find folks my age to do stuff with. I do have friends, but they have stronger bonds with W then me. And I am putting up a wall between them. I do not trust them. I do not want their sympathy or pity. As far as I am concerned, they can and will tell W about what I am doing, my feelings, etc. My scheduling is nearly full with my job, weight training, D4, and house responsibilities that going to meet-ups are a challenge. No excuses (per Steve).
My feelings...I think this is what true detachment feels like. Ironically, it started to happen right after my discovery of the extent of W and OM's relationship and the horrible fallout after ("D4 needs to see what a caring R looks like.", "You're just jealous.", "It's ok to be single."). In a way, this was what I needed.
Picture taking for a friend of mine, some busy work at the house, some teaching Sunday, and getting ready for the next workweek.
My new routine.
I know that feeling Pain.
Finding new friends and a new life is not easy. I was lucky to have a fair amount of friends that were "mine". But it will get easier every day. Have you been on meetup.com?
Hi Pain,
I have been into photography since I was 15. What is your favorite subject?
Hi Pain,
I have been into photography since I was 15. What is your favorite subject?
It depends on what I am feeling. I live in a beautiful area so landscape and nature are common subjects.
Portraits (especially D4) are things I am increasingly enjoying. I am contemplating dipping my toes into paid gigs.
City life is also another favorite of mine. I love shooting long exposures that capture life as it happens around me.
It's something that I have grown into over the years. If you asked me 5-6 years ago if I would spend almost $10,000 on camera gear I'd have called you crazy. Not crazy now. I love it. I would love to share my work with you all, but I also know that may expose my identity to parties that may not be privvy to my sitch.
ovr, meetup.com has been very spotty for me, but doing a simple google search has opened up some other options for me. I saw a few photography clubs in the city that I may go to next week. I'm planning on ducking out of work early to lift then head to the clubs. I also have a few sex ed classes tentatively planned. I may not ever have sex with W again or anyone else for a long time, but being a dominant, controlling man (sexually) is something that I need to embrace and learn more about.
Day 104,
Damper beginning to the day. I got my monthly performance review and I did worse than I thought I did. Which has been a surprise since I have felt I have been improving. So that may be a topic of discussion for my manager when I get back to work.
Started tearing up last night. Not that I was expecting any changes but it still seems W is seeing OM. Went into her bedroom to grab my clothes. Her room is a total mess. Our engagement photo is gone (again). Not taking it to mean one thing or the other. It’s just sad. It feels surreal that I was in an R the last 9 years. Then I look around me and see the evidence that yes, it has happened.
I’m out running errands with D4 now. Nothing fun planned for now.
I would do wedding shoots to pay for new equipment. Very stressful back in the film days. Had to make sure all the details were right. Now with instant review, the stress is a lot less.
I am specing out a new PC so a can get my LS-4000 scanner back up and running. I am planning on getting a web store set-up here in the next year. There are drop ship printing services now and people can pick the photos they like and have them drop shipped.
Never enough time to focus on my passion.
Day 105,
On my phone, so this will be brief.
I was on the phone with my mom yesterday. D4 and I left a Men’s Warehouse (I’m going to dress like a man) and my conversation got a little intense. From the back I hear:
“You are a good daddy. You are a good daddy. You are not a bad daddy. You are a good daddy and I love you.”
And this is why I’m still going forward.
Hi pain,
just checking in with you. I'd stay out of your WW's room, it's clearly going to bring hurt so no sense in stepping into that punch.
Then I look around me and see the evidence that yes, it has happened.
What was the "evidence"? I am not understanding this line.
Your daughter sounds cute as hell!
And I was just listening to a podcast last week about photography. A couple of hardcore duck hunters do photography as well. One of the guy's grandma said "that's a great picture, I bet you have a really nice camera". So he replied that her cooking was really good and that she must have a great stove. Hahaha.
Anyways, I think the photography clubs sound pretty cool. And the sex classes seem like they can really help you down the road when the time comes.
There are very few times I go in there. It's mostly to throw washed clothes on her bed after washing.
The evidence that I was in a relationship. Looking back it feels surreal. I'm feeling like I'm settling back into my old pre-R days and that the last 9 years was a very vivid dream. Then I look around me. I see D4, I see the house. I see...her. Nope...I had it. And I lost it.
W is working hard to get me to converse. We were at church so and I did not want to keep the distance going so I asked her about her...weekend. Nothing new. She said she did stuff I did not believe. After church, I spent the rest of the day GAL. Cleaned and detailed my car, had my men's group session, lifted, and went to a coffee shop and stared at my phone while time passed by. Went home about 30 minutes before D4's bedtime. Made more small talk with W then said prayers and went to sleep.
D4 is amazing. She has been my starlight through this dark time in my life.
Sex ed class tonight. Then lifting after. Late night ahead.
You went to church with your WW?
What was the stuff she said that you didn't believe?
Your daughter sounds like a gem. I'd be taking her everywhere with me.
We meet each other. I teach a class there. She meets me there.
She said she stayed in town for one evening and walked about town (I don't believe that). She says that she is going to have dinner with friends. Not any of our mutual friends, but "other" friends (I don't believe that).
And then there is the stuff she told me months ago about "not having to worry" about physical relations with OM when I found the emails three weeks ago. So she likely lied about that too. I just have not told directly that I do not trust her at all, with the exception that she would not take D4 away from me. I told her than that I don't trust her.
Now she wants to take her later this week for the night so she can play with kids her age W is apparently babysitting. I'm trying to have D4 stay with me instead. I do not think she is babysitting. I just think she wants to have D4 see W and OM.
My two cents.
Just had a back and forth with W. She told me she missed D4 and wants to spend more time with her. I told her I am the same. I have two evenings and one full weekend day. W told me to stay at the house then, which I was doing anyway.
Then she said we are going to have to do D4 scheduling for "the rest of forever".
Asked her if that is what she wants.
Not a good start to the week.
More back and forth. Talked about going on a trial run of her leaving the house. I told her she can do what she needs to do. She asked if won't we have to eventually make a permanent decision? I told her that I am not thinking that far ahead. She said (likely in frustration) that it is ultimately about my comfort. I told her my comfort has nothing to do with this. I told her that she said she needed space and time to mourn. How she get it is up to her. She ended it by saying that I can have my space but she and D4 need it as well.
She says she needs it to be able to breathe and mourn. Whatever that means. I apparently am still not detached but it's getting slightly easier day by day.
Torture.
Asking for clarification and if I read her text correct now.
She clarified that she and D4 need bonding time. She is looking into getting another job which will limit her interaction time with D4.
God is forcing me to detach from W. Holy cow.
Too much convo going on. Pull back. Give her time and space. Keep your responses brief. When she says stuff like "it is ultimately about your comfort" then don't reply. Respond briefly to questions. You need to go dim to center yourself.
AS, was the conversation we just had a major temp check that I failed? I mean I saw some signs and tried not to take the bait, but obviously I have more work to do.
Pain18,
I am a little confused. You both are in the house basically doing an in-house separation that almost sounds like an in-house divorce. Do you have a scheduled child plan?
Pain18,
I am a little confused. You both are in the house basically doing an in-house separation that almost sounds like an in-house divorce. Do you have a scheduled child plan?
It stated as a trial in-house S that morphed three months later to a in-house S (while W is in an EA/PA with OM), and it was a 3-day W stay, 3-day I stay at the house S. This has been going on for over 10 months now with no end in sight.
W is starting talks of moving out, but she is very hesitant.
I just know that I am past the point of discomfort in her presence. I am past the point of mourning. She feels like she needs to breathe and mourn. She wants to leave, she can go.
Day 107,
Rough start to the week. The talk about permanence yesterday cut me deeply. I am more sad about D4, than W, but it hurts just the same.
Yesterday after one of my prayers I just asked God to put me out of this misery. I broke down. As a result, I skipped the sex ed class and lifted at a different gym. Came back late, fell asleep late.
Slept terribly. I had a dream in which W and I engaged in sex. I realized it was a dream and forced myself to wake up.
Been in and out since.
I know I’m making a lot of changes and growing. I just keep wanting the hurt to stop. It’s coming on to 11 months since BD. I know this is going to carry into 2019. I’m just wondering how far deep into the next year it will go.
I would focus on what AS said. Pull back, no need to get that far in convo.
And I hope you have a better day Pain, I'm rooting for you man.
Thank you ovr. I really appreciate your support in this. I'm wishing stability and a happy conclusion to your story as well.
I just experienced something powerful that made me think of the trials we are enduring or have endured.
Today was cold, cloudy, and dreary. High winds introduced a gnarly wind chill that I felt all the way to my bones when I had to walk across to the other building. There were no sunbreaks for most of the day today.
I needed to get something from my car so I stepped out of the office. As soon as I got out, I looked west, and I saw the most spectacular sunset ever. The bright orange sun and its rays burst the sky. And the sun was illuminating the clouds around it, casting them a bright pinkish orange. I just stopped and stared for minutes and just soaked up the moment. For those minutes I did not have a care in the world. I was not burdened by my sitch. I was not concerned with work. Everything was serene in that moment. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. And it gave me some hope that yes, not only it will be ok when this is all over with, but the next part will even be better than the first.
.... just soaked up the moment. For those minutes I did not have a care in the world. I was not burdened by my sitch....
You can be here most of the time. Your brain is what gives you your pain. See if you can repeat this with something else. See if you can make it last longer. See if you can make it happen more frequently.
All this pain is an illusion. (Tool Band lyrics)
Day 108,
It's amazing how one experience can be so uplifting and carry you for a long time. Ever since I experienced the sunset yesterday, I felt stronger, more hopeful (not about chances for R, but about me), and more determined to be AMOAFWL. While I had some free time, I started assembling a dressy casual wardrobe for myself. I am working on budgeting aside some money so that I can buy those clothes and use them in my GAL events.
Possible GAL event tonight. Not sure yet.
Planned an overnight with D4 and I next weekend. Taking her to a town where the Christmas season really begins and the entire town is decorated to reflect the season.
I got my bloodwork back. Everything is looking good, especially at the age and the stress I am going through. That being said, even though I have my dips in confidence, I am feeling really good about myself. I am a person who judges myself on real data, not wishful thinking, so I am hoping that at my next weigh-in I will have made some tangible progress.
Slightly awkward ending to the call with W and D4. They call me around her bedtime so that I can read D4 a bedtime story. I told her a story and told D4 about our surprise plans for next weekend. She is looking forward to that. Then W took the phone and asked where I was going. I initially hesitated, but since I am taking D4 with me she does have a right to know where her child is going, so I told her. I then ended the call by saying that "I'll talk to you two tomorrow morning?" She paused and asked if we made plans to talk tomorrow morning. I had to think about it and tell her that sometimes she calls with D4 when they are on their way to work. I finally cut it short by saying that I'll talk to them eventually tomorrow. I ended the call and went about my night.
Busy day at work, but not a bad one. I see MC this afternoon. I hope that this time I can keep it together and end it on a upbeat note.
Day 109,
Another good start to the day. Hoping it lasts for awhile.
IC went well. We talked about surrendering and letting go (detach) of W, of the sitch, and control things that in our power. I posted an analogy in burned's thread that best describes the healing process:
BD is the equivalent of the beginning of a deep wound. What follows afterward (discovery of details, fights, etc.) is equivalent of the wound getting deeper and the worsening of the injury. The cutting/stabbing/scraping/burning/(insert your own injury description), etc. stops when the S process starts.
The process which we call DBing is dressing the wound. And at first, you’re just trying to get the bleeding to stop, which it eventually does. And the wound then begins to start the repair process. Blood clotting, removing infection, scabbing, and so forth. Then eventually you have to take off the bandages and expose the wound again. More pain. More blood loss. So you clean it the wound (DBing) and dress it again to stop the bleeding. You do this many times over weeks, months, or longer. Over time, the healing process continues, and you have to dress it less and less. The wound eventually closes. The pain eventually stops. And you are left with a scar that serves as a reminder of the events you endured.
I was told repeatedly by IC that W is not a "bitch" and the pain she is causing is not because she is malicious or evil, even if it feels that way. It is a byproduct of her waywardness, jacked up by the high she is getting from the A, late dancing, etc. He told me about my W wanting to "eventually open up to me". I recall Sandi telling me to be ready for the D convo, but did not get any other viewpoints. IC told me to shut it down quickly as I myself am very sensitive and hurt by her actions and me coming in and being a shoulder to cry on will only be cake-eating. I told him that I will listen and validate, but will treat her words as suspicious and keep distant. It was a better IC session.
I drove back to work and was appreciated by the CEO for staying late to get a job done. Told him I like the work, and I like to see it finished. Afterwards, I got stuck on my GAL plans. Went to Meetup and found a "Intro to meditation" class 10 minutes away. Went to the class and...oh my goodness. It was AMAZING. I have a meditation technique I want to employ and planning on using some of my GAL evenings to attend a meditation session weekly.
Finished meditating, said my late prayers, and walked around a grocery store looking for dinner. Grabbed dinner, ate in the car, drove around some more looking for dessert. Found dessert...ate A LOT of it, and ended the evening.
Called my mom this morning. She told me to never give up, but let her figure things out and leave the rest to God's hands. Just pray for her fog to be lifted (or the devil to release her from his influences).
Question for you folks:
What actions she will demonstrate if she is truly remorseful? I will not trust her if she says "sorry" or "Can we start on being us again?" or any other variant (trust nothing she says). There is no guarantee that the convo will happen, but I need to make sure I at least have the knowledge and the practice to say/do the appropriate things if this event occurs.
What actions she will demonstrate if she is truly remorseful? I will not trust her if she says "sorry" or "Can we start on being us again?" or any other variant (trust nothing she says). There is no guarantee that the convo will happen, but I need to make sure I at least have the knowledge and the practice to say/do the appropriate things if this event occurs.
Pain,
I'm no expert but I would not consider anything except actions. Saying things like "can we start on being us again?" etc is just that, useless words. Think back to times when you have first started any relationship, think of the actions the other person took to express interest in you, to show you that they wanted you. Not entirely up to speed on your sitch but if you did any pursuit and pleading after BD think of that but for the other side of the fence. If and when there is any remorse and a change of direction i think it will be pretty obvious.
If and when there is any remorse and a change of direction i think it will be pretty obvious.
This is where Neffer jumps in to say something like, "When she wants you, YOU WILL KNOW." Steve85 is out hunting so he missed his chance to say it this time.
If and when there is any remorse and a change of direction i think it will be pretty obvious.
This is where Neffer jumps in to say something like, "When she wants you, YOU WILL KNOW." Steve85 is out hunting so he missed his chance to say it this time.
Ohhhh, I was on the air... bailing out now...;)
It’s ok to have hope P. Just don’t expect too much. Protect yourself. Love yourself man. For what you tell us it seems you are doing much much better.
We are hoping the best for you too Pain.
Stay strong!
Pain,
I'm no expert but I would not consider anything except actions. Saying things like "can we start on being us again?" etc is just that, useless words. Think back to times when you have first started any relationship, think of the actions the other person took to express interest in you, to show you that they wanted you. Not entirely up to speed on your sitch but if you did any pursuit and pleading after BD think of that but for the other side of the fence. If and when there is any remorse and a change of direction i think it will be pretty obvious.
W was my first R. We met on an online dating site and everything just clicked. There were things she liked about me. My personality (getting that back), my humor (getting that back), my conviction to my beliefs (getting that back), and my sweetness (maybe too nice?).
So I feel like I’m digging back into the past to find my roots. If it worked for my W, it can work again. For W, or someone else.
AS, was the conversation we just had a major temp check that I failed? I mean I saw some signs and tried not to take the bait, but obviously I have more work to do.
Not at all. A lot of LBS's think every little thing is a success or failure, but it's not really the case. It took a long time to end up where you are and it takes a long time to turn it around. Think of a huge ship, if it wants to go the opposite direction that turn could take a significant amount of time. There may be little waves or big waves that bump the ship during the turn, but you've just got to hold that wheel over and be patient.
BD is the equivalent of the beginning of a deep wound.
Well that's a gross analogy, but it's not off the mark
I was told repeatedly by IC that W is not a "bitch" and the pain she is causing is not because she is malicious or evil, even if it feels that way.
True. Sometimes that's hard to accept, but WAS's are almost always going through some terrible internal struggles and really wrestle with themselves over what they are doing. They are already beating themselves up, so if we try to convince them they are wrong and selfish we're just making it worse and making ourselves a target. But if we treat them with respect and LOVINGLY detach, then they have no choice but to continue wrestling with those internal demons instead of us. That's what DB'ing is.
What actions she will demonstrate if she is truly remorseful? I will not trust her if she says "sorry" or "Can we start on being us again?" or any other variant (trust nothing she says).
Some pretty much beg and plead to come back. Others warm back up slowly. But in all cases they will let you know. I have NEVER ONCE heard of someone asking their WAS if they had changed their mind and had the WAS said "you know what, I have, I didn't know if I should say something because you seemed so done, but let's give it a try." That NEVER happens. What does happen is the WAS will INITIATE that convo. THAT is when you know.
What actions she will demonstrate if she is truly remorseful?
She will act like you did when you were BD.
I just got home from work.
W attempted to log onto my computer but failed. Thank goodness I changed my password. Because when I logged in, I forgot to close my browser window and the forum popped up. (Checked event logs...she tried to log on twice and failed. There were no other attempts).
W took D4 to OM's house yesterday without me knowing. D4 told me when she got in trouble that W took D4 to OM's bed to calm her down, etc. I kept cool and said I thought we were going to talk about it before she pulls stuff like this. I told her we need to talk about this but not right now and let her go about her evening.
I'm getting anxious about the chat because I know it's going to go to "she likes him, she needs to see a happy R, etc."
I was doing so well. I just want to...I don't know. I feel disrespected. I want her to hit the ground hard.
It is also obvious that I am not detached and ready to forgive.
F ‘em both.
Whoa almost had an OPSEC failure there Pain!!! Glad you changed that.
Don't bother to tell your W she can't take your daughter to OM's house. You have no control over that. Why bother? What's going to happen when you have this convo? I'll tell you: you're going to come off as controlling and she's not going to listen to you.
And even IF your W agrees to this to your face, what are you going to do when you find out she brought D4 over there again?
Move on to something more productive.
Whoa almost had an OPSEC failure there Pain!!! Glad you changed that.
Don't bother to tell your W she can't take your daughter to OM's house. You have no control over that. Why bother? What's going to happen when you have this convo? I'll tell you: you're going to come off as controlling and she's not going to listen to you.
And even IF your W agrees to this to your face, what are you going to do when you find out she brought D4 over there again?
Move on to something more productive.
Makes sense. I'll swallow my pride and grit my teeth through it.
And yeah...me too. I almost had a meltdown last night, but fortunately the skills I'm learning at my job is coming in handy out of work
.
Day 110,
The anxiety attacks need to stop. I need to meditate more. And I need to accept that things will take as long as they need to work out. Maybe I'm still focusing on the negative, but even I would have to agree with you all that I have made very good progress since I first posted here. I am beginning to understand the marathon part in all of this. I still don't like it, but I have accepted that this will be the norm for the near future.
Very little contact with W. Since I went distant, W has reached out to me less and mostly stopped sniffing. But there are some times (some) that I may get a little over-enthusiastic response form W. Does not mean anything to me anymore. I would like to think that I am making progress in my detaching since I let go of the small signs nonsense. But I go back and think of our contact before I discovered the e-mails (28 days tomorrow) and wonder if W was really warming up to me or if she was playing me.I guess I will never know, will I? I am tempted to try to cast out the line again but I also know that would be considered pursuit. I still feel that I am detaching correctly now, and living by the "no expectations" rule that is standard for LBS.
Busy-ish weekend planned with D4 and I. I'm canning some apple pie jam and maybe do something fun with D4. To be honest, I am starting to really dislike weekends. Then again, it's been like that since BD all year. Why should this coming weekend be any different?
I go back and forth about seeking a casual R. I know I posted on this topic before and the consensus I got was that it was a very bad idea. Still, I wonder if I will have the willpower to take the higher road if the opportunity for sex was bouncing right in front of me.
Pain,
It might not be for everyone but one thing I don't see mentioned on here much is seeking some medication to help with the anxiety. I myself was against it but finally caved and went to the doctor. I was put on a very low dose of anti anxiety meds and they have helped me a great deal with sleep and getting through the day in a calmer state. I really had no choice since the sitch was starting to impact work and every other aspect of my life. If you are having a hard time with anxiety and meditation etc. isn't helping a doctors visit might be a wise idea.
I 100% agree with Ryun. Part of being strong is being able to ask for help when it is needed. Even if it is just for a temporary period, medications can help bridge the gap.
Hey Ryan/Davide,
I've been on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication for well over 6 months now. Before that I was on an SSRI for two years but stopped because of the weight gain. I have a small prescription of Xanax to take as needed when I cannot sleep. Depression runs in my family (contributed to the sitch I'm in). To say medication has helped me is a massive understatement. I cannot even begin to fathom how I would have dealt with this awfulness without them.
That being said, I do not want to medicate myself to numb myself or escape from this. I will complain and cry, but this journey has been necessary and I need to feel the feelings as I go through this.
I needed to be a better man and this event forced me to undergo that journey. It's been painful and I still do not know how it will end, but I do know that I am becoming a better man, a better father, a better son, a better friend, and a better employee. God willing, this will make me a better boyfriend...and a better husband.
Day 111,
Something that I need to bounce off you folks and I think I know the answer but I want your viewpoint:
Is it considered cheating if WW thought about cheating before BD? Is it cheating if we both agreed to a trial S but did not agree to date others? Is what WW doing still considered cheating?
I think I know it is.
But I really do not know for sure.
Does any of that really matter in the end? She most likely checked out on the marriage well before BD, and is certainly not invested in the marriage now. That's what matters.
Let her go. Stop focusing on external things that you can't control. Bring it back to you, your reactions, your perspective, your values. How is the GAL going?
I’m failing today. My patience is razor thin with D4. Her hyperactivity is draining me. GAL is difficult, near impossible.
I’m so angry at W. I want to throw it into her hypocritical face about what is doing. About how she lied to me about not hurting me, especially in the way she is doing now. I want to see her hurt. I want OM to hurt her badly. I want to repeat the words “you are a horrible cheating bitch” to her over and over again until I pass out.
I am just beyond this. And there is no way out.
Yes it is man, and it depends only on you...
Day 112 and another question:
Is detaching supposed have painful moments?
Journaling:
I know GAL is supposed to help. So does counseling, and so does medication. I'm doing all three and I still am mired in misery. It seems like step forward is accompanied by lingering pain. So yeah...I'm making progress. I feel it, everyone senses it. But it's wrecking me on the inside. I can list all of the things and positive changes I have made this year and I am so proud of what I have done. Heck, I even joined a singles group on Meetup and have tentative plans to go out next weekend. I picked two pairs of nice jeans and have a dress vest on reserve. I also have two shirts at bay. I'm going to dress like a confident, sexy man.
But this...the WW, the complete loss of trust, the uncertainty, and the hopelessness of this lingering...all weigh extremely heavily on me. Last night I googled quotes on being cheated on. Two come to mind:
-You know exactly what you are doing. That is what hurts the most.
-I hate that I will never be the same person again. My qualities of being trusting and somewhat naive will never be there again. Instead I feel like I walk around in a trance waiting to wake up from my nightmare.
The only reason why I have not collapsed complete is because of my starlight sitting in the living room. She deserves the best. The best father. The best man.
Just dropped off D4 with W. She was with her friends (our friends) and I chatted with W about Thanksgiving plans. I tried to be cordial but it appeared fairly obvious that I’m distant and I’m hurting.
Now I sit in the parking lot at Wal-Mart waiting for the NGS support group to start with tears streaming down my face.
GAL after. Weight lifting then something else..
She wrecked me. She wrecked my friendships we had. She wrecked my confidence. I take blame for my attitude and actions leading up to this. I never imagined the fallout would be this devastating.
11 months into S and I still can’t pull it together. I keep praying for peace and a resolution for this and I see no sign from God of it ending. I just wish for it to be over. Somehow.
Pain - so sorry you are having a rough time of it. It stinks to have to deal with our new realities, for sure, but focusing on what she DID to you is useless. Don't give her that power. The fall-out of a S or D is of course changing lives. But, our lives will only be wrecked if WE let it happen to OURSELVES. I'm sad too about a few couples friends we had. I miss our time together. But, on reflection, friends come and go all throughout our lives, and it's time to cultivate new ones or reconnect with old. I am getting close again to 2 girlfriends that were out of my life for years (one since high school). And it's been wonderful!
Don't beat yourself up for feeling down. Let the feelings wash over you then get back to taking action to take control of your own life.
So sorry Pain. You are going through a rough patch. Try hard to let go of the rope and accept that your W is just on a path she feels compelled to walk down. It is not about you. Keep DBing and GAL. Better days will come. You will pull through this and be a better, stronger person for your next R be it with your W or with someone else. Sending you lots of positive energy. You are not alone. (((HUGS)))