Im definitely an example of being a sahd for too long. Looking back i dont think women are wired to solely carry the burden of providing for their family. It wore on my W after doing it for a number of years and then the resentment grew from there. That said, i dont think she ever appreciated all the years i paid the bills so she could he a sahm.
I believe she is "capable" of providing, b/c we have too many single moms who have proven it. She
can be the head of the home, just fine. However,...…..and this is a big however...….whenever there is a husband/father that lives with the family, then she expects certain things from him. She expects him to take charge and be the leader. She may be a modern career lady, but we women expect husbands to act like men, and if they don't, we'll throw it back in your face.....one way or another. No matter how modern or independent a woman may be, she inherited certain female genes that go all the way back to Eve. She expects the man to protect her and her children. She expects the man to get out of the house and
work at something that will bring home some money. If we were cavemen, or pioneers, she'd want you to go kill the meat and bring home for the family. Not that she wasn't capable, but b/c of the woman being the one who was pregnant and nursing the babies, the man had to do the harder, bigger, more dangerous tasks to provide food for the family. Her role wasn't easy, but it was basically running the home and raising the children. The man was responsible for his family and how well they lived. Although modern times have changed a lot, there are things about men and women that may never change, b/c that's how they were designed.
Taking care of the family should be a married man's priority. If you are a farmer, she expects you to hit the fields and tend to the animals everyday. She may be out there, too, but
you are
certainly going to be out there doing everything in your power to provide for the family. I think the key is that the man is
outside of the house doing what men are suppose to do......he is attempting to provide for his family. I see SAHD's having the same problems as men who work on the computer from home, or are involved in obtaining a degree, or something that keeps them from working
outside the house. They are
attached to the house, and that's how the woman begins to see him. Especially if the woman has a job. She starts expecting more and more from him (regarding housework, etc.), b/c that's
her domain and she still wants to control the operations. Although it's said that the home is a man's castle, it is the woman who traditionally takes care of it. Of course, there is "man's work" to be done, but who does he ask what color to paint the kitchen?
Have you ever heard the old saying how two women can't live in the same house? What that means is that the house belongs to just one woman. That woman is the queen of that domain, and she's rather jealous of it. That is her domain, and no other woman is going to take it over as though it was her house. Now, the woman who owns the house, may go to work while the other woman stays at the house. The other woman may cook, clean, etc. But if that other woman starts making decisions as though it was her own house, look out. There's going to be trouble. The woman who owns the house will find something that she's not completely pleased about, and she may complain that the other woman isn't getting everything done, or doing it "right", etc. It begins to wear on the relationship. I don't know how much this fits psychologically with the H staying at home fulltime.....or
if it does. If he has taken the traditional female role of homemaker, while the W provides for the family, then maybe she mentally sees him in
her domain and who isn't doing enough to please her. She's going to come home, inspect what has been done and she'll never be completely satisfied, b/c that's her domain........and, b/c things feel out of order to her. By out of order, I mean the roles.
She will probably never tell you, so I will. She wants her H to be emotionally/mentally stronger than her. Another thing she won't tell you is that she will test him throughout their relationship to see if he
is stronger. If she sees weakness, she will resent it, and at the same time feel that she must step up b/c her H is too weak. In the process, she loses respect. Usually, this comes in small doses and happens over a period of time.
If she has a strong personality, she may get vocal with putdowns, and if they argue or fight, there's a good chance she will make some point directed at his manhood. Not in all cases, but you can bet she's thinking it. The problem with a soft hearted, tender natured guy is that she is going to take his b@lls away. If he has NGS, he will tell himself that he just needs to do more to make her happy...…...only, he does the wrong things. He dives into the housework, does everything with the kids (feed, bathe, dress, homework, take to school, etc.) She may sound like she's never satisfied with the amount he does...….and that is partly true. She's not satisfied b/c he doesn't reclaim his b@lls and act like the man she desires. You see, no amount of housework is going to replace what she needs from him emotionally. Don't confuse her saying she needs support to only mean she needs help around the house. She may not know how to tell you that she needs you to grow a pair and take the role of the man. I think it would be very rare for a W to see her H being the homemaker and raising the kids while she financially provides, and feel as if he is sexually dominant.
I also want to break this down into situations. Let's say you have a man with a fulltime job, and his W has a fulltime job, too. She is going to expect him to help with chores at home. If they have children, she going to expect even more help with them. Now, I am using the word "help", but actually, it's only right that he takes on his share of work around the house...….if she has to work to help him support the family. See what I mean? Not all women want a career but they are forced to work in order to make ends meet. You also have to consider the type of work, the hours and energy, etc. I remember working at a physically hard job for about a year. I took it b/c the hours were compatible to the time my small children were in school. The problem was that my H was dead tired when he came home, and I was exhausted. However, I felt that I was expected to do everything I would have done if I didn't have to leave the house for a job. He laid on the couch and watched tv while I took care of everything else. I would have a pity party while I cooked supper every night, and I resented him for not doing more, b/c I did not have enough physical stamina. See what I mean? If I had been a SAHM, then I would have thought nothing of it when he came home so tired from his job, and I would have done whatever was needed that evening without feeling resentful. Let me defend my H by going back and telling you that he did do what was considered man's work, take care of the yard, the car, and he would help with the kids. But that particular year was very challenging for us...….and we both changed jobs! Communicate! My H and I did not communicate well.
As for the housework, it sounds like your saying that the W will keep taking more and more if the H allows it?
This is mostly directed to men who are either staying in the house, or those nice guys who try to do it all, in order to appease his W. If both spouses hold down fulltime jobs, then there needs to be clear communication on who does what when they are home. The big mistake men make is holding down a fulltime job, while his wife sits at home doing NOTHING. He comes home and does EVERYTHING, b/c she's literally done nothing. He either spoils her, or he has allowed this laziness since they got M. Then, he has real problems! And, if it's a situation where the man is home fulltime, then he can just look for his W to get more bossy. There are a few women who are the exception, but from what I have witnessed IRL and observed on the board, it is often a manifestation of a deeper issue between the couple.
How are your views about the H chasing career success and that being a big attraction for the W? Is that more important to a W than helping out at home, or equal in your eyes?
I'm not certain what you mean by "chasing". Having a successful career is wonderful, as long as the man is giving his W and kids what they need emotionally from him. If he's gone all the time, then that's not going to be good for his MR. If he is always jumping from one career to another.....and usually in the middle.....that's not good, either. We have had some men on the board who were staying home while working to obtain their master's degree, or something along those lines. They faced the same issues as SAHD's.
Women are attracted to men with
ambition. They are attracted to successful men. In our world, success usually equals financial security. Financial security is very attractive to women, b/c one of our
basic needs is security. If we have a H, we are going to look to him to bring it. It's our nature. Even if we work, we still expect him to work, too. There are some exceptions like physical disability, etc., but I'm talking about in general terms. Another thing that attracts women in men is
power (in a good way, not evil way). Successful career men usually indicate that they have a certain amount of power......which draws a certain amount of
respect. A wife wants her H to be respected in their community. Does a successfully financial secure man have to go home and help the W with housework? Well, he might be able to hire someone, IDK. But I would say that she's still going to want him to
engage with his kids, and help out (depending if she works or not) with stuff around the house......if needed. No matter how successful he becomes, she will always need him to
fill her intimate/emotional needs. She will always need him to act like a man, first, in order to respect him as her H. If I had to say which is more important to a woman.....her H having a job or him helping at home, I'd choose the job. I've experienced my H not having a job, and let me tell you, he could have been on his knees waxing my floors every day and it would not make up for him choosing not to work to provide for our family. If he's out of work, then hit the streets and find something, b/c these kids are hungry and the light bill is about to be turned off. Am I answering your question? Majority wise, I don't think it is a matter of the H choosing if he's going to take the traditional role of taking care of the home while his W makes the living. I think in most cases the man is working, and when all the kids are in school......both spouses usually work out of the home. Therefore, at the end of the day, chores have to be divided. And, oddly enough, men seem to have a vision problem. They can't just look and tell what needs to be done in the house, so the W has to point it out to him. But would I say that that's the most important thing to a woman? Absolutely not.
One thing I have learned that I wished I had known much earlier, is that men usually relate making a good living with his role as a husband & father. Some men will often get so focused on providing a better living, that he thinks this is how he shows his family love. He thinks he's done his part, so he goes home and passes out on the couch. When his M is in trouble, he doesn't understand and will talk about how hard he worked to give his family the best. Yes, he was giving them essential things they needed, and nice material things, vacations, etc. But he was not tending to their emotional needs. Having an attitude that his part was only making a good living...….will burry his relationship with his W, and usually the kids. He has to know how to balance his work and his time/energy with his family. In a MR, he has to tend to W's emotional needs, b/c no high career is going to take care of "everything". Know what I mean?
I know I go all around grandma's house to answer questions, and tend to get off into other areas. I just want to sum this post up by saying I believe God placed the most responsibility on the man. He is responsible for the welfare of his family. Perhaps it is a matter of opinion as to what that includes or how it is accomplished. I do believe our society has made the lines more confusing for men than they were in yesteryear. I think it is actually tougher for men now, b/c they aren't sure what they are suppose to do...…….especially when it comes to having a relationship with women.
((hugs))