Hi all,
I am new here and I have lurked and read over the past few months. I guess I am posting now because I am confused and not sure what I should do.
A little context. My wife and I have been together for over 5-1/2 years and 6 months into our relationship I was struck on my motorcycle. I have been known constant pain since. It did change who I was as I let my pain break me and consume me. I over time slowly started shutting my wife out and the affection started to fade. I just didn't have it in me. The start of this year I started fighting my pain harder. I tried being more affectionate. Our sex life started exploding and then in the middle of April... Boom. We got in a little spat and she lead into that she didn't want to be with me. She felt like one of our kids. Felt unappreciated. Neglected. She didn't initially think I even loved her. We never had any kid free time. Our sex was great but always planned. We got to talking and she let me know that she thought I bought her expensive gifts to shut her up. We rarely fight... Maybe less than a handful of times in 5-1/2 years. I gradually started working at night and being around less even though we were on the same house. I got depressed. I know what I did wrong and I have consistently showed positive change with no lapses the past three months.
I started putting the pieces together and found out that she had an emotional affair. This lead to a fight and she ended up walking out on our 4 children and me in the middle of the night. She was gone for a month and I found out that she had done some fooling around. It hurt but I can forgive her. I thought I couldn't but I can. I know I played a role in this.
She's consistently said she cannot do it any more. She doesn't want to be with me, she has mentioned once that we don't have to get a divorce so we don't have to split anything up. She only wants the kids on a equal basis. But she's said she would rather give me custody of the children so they are in a stable home. I confronted her about her affair and she didn't want to end it. However, a month ago I told her how bad it hurt me and I told her to go to him. She didn't and the next day she started talking less and less to where now she doesn't talk at all.
She still sleeps in our bed. Minus the first week, the month she was gone, and two days after I confronted her about the affair she has slept in our bed.
I have completely turned around how I function. We goof off now. We almost shower together every day. She loves me washing her and sitting on me when we are in the shower. However, we do not kiss or have sex. She has no problems if I get off or she touches herself in front of each other, but we have not been intimate since the news dropped. This past weekend we had a get away where it was just use and it was wonderful, I kiss her every night good night on the cheek and the one night she puckered up... We both quickly realized it and it turned to just the cheek. We even stepped outside of our boundaries and took some intimate pictures where she had a blast.
And this week we've been laying in bed where she puts her legs across mine to help with my leg spasms and it kind of helps with my pain. Each day she is closer. So I give her leg massages and I know she gets incredibly turned on, but I don't try pushing sex.
She has a hobby she's trying to turn into a career since we don't require her to work because I cover all the bills. She been including me more and more with it. I've been going with her and helping her. She runs EVERYTHING about it by me. And we've talked about building a support group together.
We've been spending quality time together; however, we are always together for the most part. As I work from home and she's a stay at home mom. I kind of feel loved but I feel like she's holding back. I just don't know what to do. I want my family to stay together, but I also don't want to be a doormat. I guess what hurts the most is she says she doesn't want to try, but we keep getting closer, she keeps opening up about things just very very little about us. She admitted she has walls up and doesn't want them to come down.
When I met her she was down on her luck. She's been hurt by everyone including family that means something to her and she says it was the worst feeling emotionally abandoned by me.
I know my post is all over the place but... I guess I don't know what I need or what to do.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
D85, I will give you my first blush impression.
She is still in the A. Whether it is just EA again or full PA, it is still going. When you told her to get out and go to him, she freaked. Plan A is solid yet, so she is not ready to give up Plan B.
All that she is doing is to get you stick around until she sees if OM is serious or not. A monkey doesn't jump from the branch they are on until they've identified a solid branch to jump to.
A lot of what your W has said was similar to my W's plan. "You keep the house and D14 (now 15) will live with you. I will keep a key. I'll host dinners at my new apartment and come over to the house and cook too." Fantasy. Your W is likely a WW, not just a WAW. That means she is selfish, wants her cake and eat it to. Wants to rendezvous occasionally with OM but also have her family intact, and have her H attached and ready to meet her non-sexual needs.
Keep an eye out for the signs the A is still going. Secretive phone usage. Sometimes not sure where she is at. Unusally long time in the bathroom. Thing that should take 45 minutes, like running to the store, take 2 1/2 hours. Use logic and reason when it comes to this assessment. Do not be in denial about it.
I agree with your overall approach though. Keep things light and fun. Do not apply pressure and do not pursue. Do not start R talks. but keep your eyes and ears open.
Cadet will be along in a while to tell you to keep posting. KEEP POSTING!
Should have read Plan A ISN'T solid yet.
A lot of that makes sense. A few weeks ago, she was frequently in the bathroom talking, she was attached to the hip with her phone. Now she is barely on it. Leaves it laying around a lot, similar to how she was prior to the walls collapsing. We have started doing an electronics off during dinner and then after the kids go to sleep. That was a major complaint of hers that I would escape on my tablet or computer when we would watch TV. But I didn't understand how to handle my pain. I also stopped working nights and sleeping all day. I've been helping with chores and staying within my limitations of what my leg will allow me to do.
I've been reading the material linked and a lot of it makes sense. Some of its a little harder to execute than understand though.
I'm other news, my wife went to a mom group meeting last night. She hasn't texted me to let me know she got some place since she dropped the bomb. She was pretty chatty in text to me. Kept me updated as to her leaving and most of the drive back to my parents house (we do a family night every Friday). This is all stuff she used to do before everything.
When she got back she was super chatty, super sorry for being away for so long and being back a little late. She actually showed empathy because my pain pills were in her purse. I know she was at the meet up and not with the OM. But it was strange, haven't seen her act like that in a while. Almost liked she missed me. We ended up having a nice night afterwards watching a movie and cuddling.
Today, we were goofing off and being silly, just poking and grabbing butts. We started talking about a my leg and the upcoming surgeries. It was a little emotional, because there is a possibility I could lose my leg due to infection. When that came up I kinda slipped and said "well who's going to want someone so damaged as me especially if I lose my leg" I wasn't thinking about our relationship and without a beat she goes "do you think I'm that shallow".
It really seems as though things are going better and I would love to keep my family in tact. I live in chronic pain. I disconnected. I neglected her. I was a bit of a dick. I didn't sit down for family dinners. I didn't want to do much. I had a hard time dealing with me. I never thought things were that bad, but I have made a complete 180 and started letting her come to doctor visits, talking to her, and just opening up. I've even been affectionate. We haven't had sex since she dropped the bomb, but I have started to develop good habits of showing daily affection. I listen attentively when she talks and I mark things down in my calendar to help remember as sometimes things are hazey due to my prescription pain pills. And I really think posting some of this helps from me trying to talk about the relationship with her.
One of the things I am unsure of is the detachment. This was one of the main issues my W had with me because I emotionally shut down and it caused me to withdrawal from our R. I didn't purposely do it, but being a chronic pain sufferer, that's how I innately over time got.
I have detached from the R talk. But do still show that I am here. This was part of my 180, was to emotionally open up. Explain what I have been going through with my pain. Let the W come to doctor appointments. Do family dinners. Help out at least within limitations, and be awake during the day.
I like to think that what I am doing is working, because her actions have slowly changed, but then again I am also here and have a marriage in distress so I may not be judging good.
Detachment <> emotionally shutting down.
Please read, and reread, and rereread the detachment thread.
Let me ask you this: When you were emotionally shutdown, did you validate your wife's feelings? Did you intently listen to what she had to say without any distractions (no TV, phone, tablet, laptop).
When you are lovingly detached you will. If you are watching a football game and she comes and wants to discuss something, you will pause the game, turn it off, something, but you will give her your undivided attention. Then when she starts talking you will validate her feelings (read the validation thread).
Detachment is not ignoring her. It is not being unkind. It is not going dark. The goal with detachment is that no matter what she says or does, you do not react emotionally to it.
"I want a D." Undetached reaction to this is: crying, begging, pleading, telling her she is harming the kids, that your friends will be devastated etc.
Detached reaction - "I am sorry to hear that. I do not want a divorce, but since it takes two to make a marriage and only one to make a divorce, I cannot stop you."
Google self-differentiation in marriage. Detachment is a very healthy place to be no matter what the state of your marriage is in. However, it is highlighted that you are not properly detached when there are marital problems because you will react as I mentioned above.
But do not confuse detachment with emotionally shutting down or unplugging. Common misconception. " Do family dinners. Help out at least within limitations, and be awake during the day." Detachment doesn't exclude any of those things.
Down,
the biggest thing standing out to me is that you are in the "friend zone". You need to read about NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome).
I don't have friends that are girls, never have. And if I did, I wouldn't be showering with them b/c that would lead to sex and thus we would not be friends.
Your wife wants your affection, but not all of it. Are you willing to have a partial relationship with her?
Let me ask you this: When you were emotionally shutdown, did you validate your wife's feelings? Did you intently listen to what she had to say without any distractions (no TV, phone, tablet, laptop).
No. I did not validate, nor intently listen. I was there but I wasn't. Took me a while to figure out how to process my pain and as she's said it seemed like I figured it out just as I lost her. Even though she told me weeks later. I have noticed that she picked up many of my bad habits and she sort of mirrors me in action.
Down,
the biggest thing standing out to me is that you are in the "friend zone". You need to read about NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome).
I don't have friends that are girls, never have. And if I did, I wouldn't be showering with them b/c that would lead to sex and thus we would not be friends.
Your wife wants your affection, but not all of it. Are you willing to have a partial relationship with her?
I will have to read that and I agree it feels more like a friendship than a relationship. I don't have girls that are friends for the same reason.
I do not understand the partial relationship though. I want a solid relationship, I want to learn from the mistakes and grow, preferably keeping my family intact with my wife.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Let me ask you this: When you were emotionally shutdown, did you validate your wife's feelings? Did you intently listen to what she had to say without any distractions (no TV, phone, tablet, laptop).
No. I did not validate, nor intently listen. I was there but I wasn't. Took me a while to figure out how to process my pain and as she's said it seemed like I figured it out just as I lost her. Even though she told me weeks later. I have noticed that she picked up many of my bad habits and she sort of mirrors me in action.
please don't miss the point! The point is that detachment doesn't equate to being unplugged, unavailable, and checked out!
You can be detached and still listen. Detached and still validate.
I think that helped clarify, thanks Steve. I'm still battling my pain and trying not to shut down because of it. This has been very trying for me.
Down, very interesting. I'm having trouble getting a read on your sitch, it could be like Steve says that she is in an A and doing a bunch of cake-eating, but it could also be that she's tentatively seeing where this goes since you've managed to do 180s on your bad behaviors. One thing I will say is recon usually doesn't happen like a bolt out out the blue, it's usually a series of baby steps and it seems like you are seeing baby steps. It sounds like the two big things missing right now are sex and a commitment from her to work on things. She's warming up to you, but not ready for those yet. One thing about 180's is she will think you are doing them as tricks to get her back, so it's important to show her consistent 180's over a long period of time. So just keep doing what you're doing. Do not bring up M talks, now isn't the time. She's warming up because you've taken the pressure off, so the last thing you want to do is apply pressure. Stay the course!
I wish I could insert foot into mouth. She's stay-at-home mom and I work from home. I've been doing soo good avoiding talking about R, but it's like she traps me into it. I've went almost 2 weeks, without mentioning anything and then earlier, she got me talking about things and WHAM! We didn't really talk about continuing R, but about what I had done wrong and I acknowledged I know what I did wrong... but I did screw up and tell her that I did still want her. I didn't even want to talk about it, but it just happened. Because it's been less emotionally draining to avoid talking about it and I have been growing deeper feelings getting to re-know my wife, because we have opened up our friendship.
She did say, aside from me shutting down and disconnecting, she felt I was unhappy and did not love her. Every time, we do talk, she lets me out about what ate her up. For example a couple of months ago, she let me know she felt like a single mom doing everything on her own. I just wasn't there... aside from earning the money and buying her things, I really wasn't there.
All of that got brought up after she had a lady over here for a boudoir photo shoot, and I got a little upset because she lent the lady an old pair of lingerie I bought her. Then, when I mentioned something about a mask we just recently purchased to do another photo shoot of my W, she got really possessive saying she wouldn't let anyone use it because it was OURS.
As far as the A... Feb. to July she was in an EA. I know that much for sure. I think the doors opened for this because her father past in December, and I wasn't really emotionally available to console her.
In the middle of July, she stopped being on her phone as frequently. This is when I noticed her change towards me. The last week of July, she started leaving her phone laying around and would put it up at night to hang out. On August 4th, we were out of town, spent 15 hours in the car together between the 3rd and 4th, and she said she wasn't in love with anyone anymore, but did miss him and that it happened by accident, she wasn't out to hurt me or wreck our marriage. Since she has been actively letting me know about EVERYTHING she does on her phone, sometimes I am not even paying any attention to her, and she starts informing me about things or even times when I do not even know she's on her phone.
The trip was on the more intimate side for us, but definitely not romantically. She felt really forced when she said she didn't want to try or for it to work out. She says, she's only here because its easier for the kids and her... and to take care of me during my upcoming surgeries that will result in a 6 month to 1 year recovery time. She has never openly talked about divorce, but she has said she would remain married so it would "be easier".
She has the option of not being here and getting a job, but she stays because it's "easier" for the kids. Hell, we still go to my parents house every Friday and we have invited her parents over twice in the past month (we never had them over, except on the occasions we would have a party... not often.) But they were here last night, and she extended the invite to make it a regular Monday night deal. Kind of like her photography business, she has been actively entrenching me further into it, having me help more and more.
Just a two weeks ago, before school started, she put transfer papers in to have the oldest come to the school closet to us, which is further away if she were to go live with her mother and it would be harder on her if she moved out because rent is higher on this side of town. She's also already planning on our youngest to go to the daycare where, ironically, I went 30 years ago and that's two years away for him to enroll in VPK.
Sex and commitment are definitely missing... but on the sex front, she does still care if I am taken care of, just not me taking care of her. However, as a favor return for her helping me with my leg, I have been massaging her legs and she has been accepting or in some sense pushing for things to get closer, but just to the point where she is aroused and if it goes too far, she pushes herself to go to sleep. We always had a fantastic sex life, it did for a short time get "planned" because we have four children and one slept in the bed until more or less 3 months ago.
I do have patience and I am up for the long haul, but I am very confused.
If W is consistently seeking approval or asking if she is doing things the right way... would this be calling for a need to validate? Even though she is not talking about her feelings directly. It caught my attention today and last night, that she has been like walking on egg shells so to speak around me, asking if she does things the right way.
Or just a little bit ago, she was talking to our D4 and asked if D4 was watching TV, if not, she wanted to change the program because she "needs to get off her phone", then she prompted this by saying that she's on her phone too much, which is odd for her to say.
Since I have a little more time to type as she is away currently.
A little more background on her. She has been emotionally beat down by pretty much everyone that has been in her life. For example, when her mother first found out that she wanted to leave, W's mother beat her down pretty good. We have two children together, S2 and D4 and then there are two step D's, 7 and 10. She didn't have custody of her two girls when I met her. Her family was really close with her ex even though he had physically and verbally abused her and the oldest (which is not his either.) and she was emotionally abused in previous relationships. She had little confidence and opened up really fast to me.
I have always treated her with respect, never laid a hand on her or verbally abused her. I did NAG her a little bit about her cleanliness. Even after she said she wanted to leave, I have been very supportive and nice.
D85, i am seeing some red flags here. I have a big problem with people that have had issues with "pretty much everyone". You see, there is one common denominator in all of that. I am sure that if she were to move on to another relationship that she would tell him you emotionally beat her down over her cleanliness. (actually she'd leave out the reason and just accuse you of being emotionally abusive).
Also, she had D10 and D7, but didn't have custody? so the verbally and physically abusive ex had custody of D10 even though he's not her real father? And her family supported a verbal and physical abuser over her?
I am sure you believe all of this. I am sure you are convinced of all of this. But step back for moment and read what you wrote, and try to be objective and forget everything you think you know. And see if you can see what someone on the outside looking in would see.
- She's always the victim.
- She had a D with someone that (it sounds like) isn't even in her or the D's life.
- Her ex has custody of her kids.
- Even though he was physically and verbally abusive.
- Even though courts look for any reason to keep kids with the mother, and physical abuse is a slam dunk.
- Her family sided with her ex even though he was physically and verbally abusive.
- Despite all this abuse she opened up to you immediately and was vulnerable to you. (Not typical of people that ar abused.)
Down85, see how that looks?
And then you said this:
I started putting the pieces together and found out that she had an emotional affair. This lead to a fight and she ended up walking out on our 4 children and me in the middle of the night. She was gone for a month and I found out that she had done some fooling around.
Hmmm, suddenly she is walking out again (victim mentality) even though she had an EA and fooled around.
Then you said this:
It hurt but I can forgive her. I thought I couldn't but I can. I know I played a role in this.
"I know I played a role in this."
So being a less than perfect husband justifies an EA, fooling around, and walking out on her family? Do you see the pattern here?
Also this:
But she's said she would rather give me custody of the children so they are in a stable home.
Hmmm, now I think the
She didn't have custody of her two girls when I met her. Her family was really close with her ex even though he had physically and verbally abused her and the oldest (which is not his either.) and she was emotionally abused in previous relationships.
Down85, now either something has gotten lost in translation, or you have your eyes wide shut.
At the end of the day, yeah I only have to go by what she has said, what I've learned, and what I've seen. I haven't seen any reason to doubt her because everything from before did add up. But now talking about it, it does bring patterns out and I'm getting another's perspective.
She lost custody to her mother. Her family had "forgiven" her ex because they believe in a "blended" family. And the oldest D came from a one night stand as a young adult.
No, my less than perfect husbandness does not justify her going outside of the relationship. I am making an excuse and trying to justify it to feel better and still accept my wife. She should have been there for me, I needed her, but I couldn't figure things out.
Down,
the biggest thing standing out to me is that you are in the "friend zone". You need to read about NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome).
I don't have friends that are girls, never have. And if I did, I wouldn't be showering with them b/c that would lead to sex and thus we would not be friends.
Your wife wants your affection, but not all of it. Are you willing to have a partial relationship with her?
I will have to read that and I agree it feels more like a friendship than a relationship. I don't have girls that are friends for the same reason.
I do not understand the partial relationship though. I want a solid relationship, I want to learn from the mistakes and grow, preferably keeping my family intact with my wife.
The "partial relationship" means cake eating. Are you willing to give her what she wants without getting your needs met as well?
D85 I didnt post all that to try and hurt you but to try and get you to see that there are some issues she needs to work on. You say you're doing lots of nice things now. That's great but what is she doing? How is she trying to improve? Is she ready to commit back to the marriage, give up OM, get into MC and IC, and earn her way back? If not you will end up being right back here no matter how perfect you become.
You can't fix her. She has to be willing to work on herself. You can wait it out and see if she comes around, but at some point you will need to address things. The dynamics of your current marriage situation are not sustainable.
The "partial relationship" means cake eating. Are you willing to give her what she wants without getting your needs met as well?
I see. Easy answer is no because that's not what I truly want or believe in.
D85 I didnt post all that to try and hurt you but to try and get you to see that there are some issues she needs to work on. You say you're doing lots of nice things now. That's great but what is she doing? How is she trying to improve? Is she ready to commit back to the marriage, give up OM, get into MC and IC, and earn her way back? If not you will end up being right back here no matter how perfect you become.
You can't fix her. She has to be willing to work on herself. You can wait it out and see if she comes around, but at some point you will need to address things. The dynamics of your current marriage situation are not sustainable.
I definitely didn't get my feelings hurt. I'm here for help and understand very well that I may not like what anyone says, but it's ultimately my choices and actions. I really do appreciate the words everyone has provided.
I guess a lot of it is confusing to me because her actions show different than she speaks. Like since my last post, she's been completely upbeat and exchanging hugs, while being flirty. We had a great family dinner. Many of the feelings I had when we first met are resurfacing because she is acting a lot like when we first met... But she is guarded. Then, when things are typed out and I see the points that others here bring up, it gives me another view.
I do understand and agree that she has underlying issues she needs to work on. I feel torn. I do greatly love her and want to keep my family together, but I also want happiness. I will tread lightly and continue working on detaching, while working on my life. I know either way, I will continue posting because you guys are really helping me.
I guess a lot of it is confusing to me because her actions show different than she speaks. Like since my last post, she's been completely upbeat and exchanging hugs, while being flirty. We had a great family dinner. Many of the feelings I had when we first met are resurfacing because she is acting a lot like when we first met... But she is guarded. Then, when things are typed out and I see the points that others here bring up, it gives me another view.
This is because obstinate spouses rarely say the truth. Everything is said for an effect. Everything is said for what they are feeling and wanting at that moment. You cannot take them at their word. Also, be very very wary of their actions. They tend to run in the same way. Upbeat, huggy, flirty, great family dinner. Could all be manipulation attempts. This is especially true when the LBS is mopey, and sad, and woe is me.
WASs do not like to cause hurt, though they know they have to in order to get what they want. I have told this at least a dozen times on this board, but immediately after BD my W, who was very wayward, become super affectionate. Holding my hand, putting her arm around me, sitting as close as she could, rubbing my back, etc. After I found anti-divorce experts that said you have to let her go to get her back, and started to detach, did all of that stop. Weeks later when I mentioned how she was in the couple of days after BD she said "because I knew you were hurting". !?!?! And notice, it all stopped pretty much the minute I started to turn back.
Now rest assured that the affection did not mean she still wanted a D. It just meant she was, to ease her own conscience, going to try to make it as easy on me as possible. Remember when you would break up with a GF? And you always tried to do it as easy as possible? "Its not you, its me." "You deserve so much better!" "We can still be friends." same concept
That is why we say believe NOTHING she says, and only half of what she does. As I told you in my first response, likely her Plan A isn't solid yet, so she wants to make sure you are there as Plan B. And that is what is confusing for you. It will get worse as you get better at detachment. As she feels you pulling away it will make her feel vulnerable and she'll do everything she can to keep you attached.
I guess what makes it difficult for me to grasp is the fact that when she said she was done, she wanted nothing to do with me. There was no comfort, not gestures, she went straight for my jugular. She was trying to inflict pain. I could see your point though; she knows my personality and I can be very cold-hearted and cut throat. Perhaps, she is trying to let me down easy so we don't get into a pissing match. It's almost more of being lead on though.
I haven't been real chatty with her today and she's been doing arts/craft stuff and each time she finishes something, she runs me down to show me.
Focus on you Down85. That's the problem, you are still laser-focused on her.
What are you doing tonight for GAL?
Probably watching a movie with the kids after dinner until they go to bed. Then, it's likely a movie, maybe a bowl and then bed for me.
The way my leg is, it's hard for me to get out; I use to go fishing a lot, but with my mobility so declined... yeah.
I guess you were right Steve. She walked out again today. I guess the OM that she was having the A with rented a house around the corner. She took her oldest and packed a couple of things and walked over there this morning.
I thought things were going so great. She even let me start touching her. I had really thought the A was over. I'm not as broken up about it as I probably should be. I guess I'm just more concerned about what's going to happen with my children. My best friend said that I don't sound hurt anymore, but he did say that I sounded a bit angry.
The touching her let her know that you were still onboard as plan B. Why give affection to a cheater? You probably feel like an idiot for doing that now, knowing where her mind was. I say that b/c that's how I felt when I made mistakes, definitely not calling you a name but the LBS always wants to believe things are different than what they are.
Every one around us thought we were more of a couple than before. I feel like a doormat... At the end of the day I realize what I need to do and that's focus on my children and myself. At least I don't hurt like I did months ago. My children though and the rest of the family (mine and hers), seem broken and confused by her actions of this morning.
Maybe down the road things will change, but at this point I'm not even sure I could take her back if I wanted too. I do plan to lawyer up tomorrow though.
Sorry D85 to hear that. A lot of red flags led me to believe she was waiting for plan A to solidify. The good news is that this doesn't change what you should be doing! Keep up Dbing. And try not to dwell on it (I know easier said than done).
You may want to consider talking to her about coming and going between your house and the OM's, I'm thinking about this for my sitch to.