I met my wife in 1992 when she lived downstairs from me. We hit it off almost immediately and began a sexual and emotional relationship that we both still believe was true love although I had to end it a year later when my personal problems caught up with me and I had a breakdown that seemed like it might last for a long time. The problems I had then have plagued me until very recently when I finally discovered in a chemical dependency treatment center the horrible beliefs in my unconscious from severe childhood trauma growing up in a religious cult. Unfortunately, by the time I had my miraculous turnaround and returned home, my wife had given up on our marriage and started a very passionate, ongoing affair with a similarly disillusioned man she knew in high school and had recently reconnected with. There affair began only weeks after my wife became despondent in a marriage counseling session and began detaching from me and our marriage to find herself and decide what her future should look like. Given the depth of her feelings for this man, it is hard not to worry about how quickly she detached from me and attached herself to someone she barely knows. She has been avoiding contact with anyone that knows us both and our son except for her friends that have recently or are currently going through horrible divorces. She has been seeking out old friends from 30 years ago, who have no idea who she is now and have never met me or our son. She has created a perfect echo chamber. I have yet to hear that anyone is arguing for saving our marriage other than myself.
In 2001, after being apart without communication for about 6 years, she called me and wanted to meet to catch up. I experienced again the elation and joy I had felt 8 years previously. We clicked immediately and were married 2 years later. We had our son in 2005. There were a few issues early on that would later turn into very large issues, but we were happy and very much in love for at least 8 years. That is when I foolishly decided I could drink again like normal people after being sober, but without any knowledge of alcoholism, for 8 years. This period of declining health and unhappiness lasted for 2 years. When I sobered up, my wife and I had some very meaningful conversations about our relationship and what the future held. We were happy for a time, but my wife began drinking quite heavily for reasons that now escape me. The fact that I was trying to stay sober and told her repeatedly how much damage this was doing to our marriage went unheeded. To this day my wife has trouble acknowledging that it was a problem. We have always focused on my drinking even though hers has been quite toxic, including up to a few months ago, and mine has lasted a total of perhaps a month in the last 7 years.
The next few years had ups and downs, including a lot of passion and heartache. About 4 years ago I had a midlife crisis during which I questioned everything, including myself, my wife, our marriage, our family, and briefly considered taking my needs outside the marriage. I did not succumb to this temptation and really felt like I got over this period.
By this time, our inability to communicate effectively, our childhood issues, and the fact that our particular problems fit together so well created a perfect storm of codependency and misunderstanding. We both had strong tendencies to explode with emotions at each other, hear all the wrong things in our reactions, and withdraw in pain and anger. She has been very open about her disappointment with my conduct during the last few years and has hinted that she is aware of some of her own issues, including a very dysfunctional family that she has always felt does not appreciate or respect her. She has also recently become aware of her strong tendencies as a fixer and enabler, which drove her to despair as I continued to fall short of her expectations. Love was able to pull us through up until about a year ago. I had a relapse which I now understand from later events is triggered when my primary addiction, my wife’s love, becomes absent or withheld.
We entered individual counseling and marriage counseling with the hope that solving our particular problems and then coming together to rejuvenate our marriage was a good last ditch effort. My own therapy was achieving some success, but without resolving the unknown childhood trauma, did not produce dramatic or lasting results, just like every other therapy I had tried. My wife’s therapy focused first on her family and then on her personal aspirations and how to achieve them. Unfortunately, it seems escaping our marriage was a key component of that plan.
Just when we had decided to stop talking about our individual achievements and feelings and start working on our marriage, a series of events occurred that looking back seem very minor but tragically important. I answered a single question in a session with an answer that my wife found unsatisfactory and apparently she immediately decided that our lives were heading in different directions. She began her detachment and self actualization quest very soon after. Her decision was deemed justified when I failed to reschedule a session while she was away on one of her many recent trips. We have since discovered that this was simply a misunderstanding, but it is far too late now.
I had a health scare during this time that rendered me very weak, unmotivated, and without good control of my bowels. This prevented me from having sex with my wife. This was the final straw for her considering the frequency had been declining for some time due to my chronic pain and sexual dysfunction, which we only now understand is due in large part to the childhood trauma. Her detachment and my inability to recognize what was happening caused me to lose all hope for us and I began drinking heavily to numb the pain of loss and regret. This only lasted about 3 weeks before I bottomed out and confronted her wanting to know what was going on. She said she felt that there was very little left between us. She has conveniently forgotten my many attempts to communicate with her recently. I wound up in a treatment center a few days later.
It has come to light recently that her primary complaint is that I did not provide enough stability and was not an equal partner in our marriage. This was especially hurtful during a recent period of unemployment where she felt pressured to not only provide for us financially, but carry the burden of maintaining peace and emotional support at home. This period did not last long but recent events have carried far more weight than in the past. One of the very first issues in our relationship, beginning before I even moved in with her, was my unemployment at the time. Even though I have provided a comfortable living for us, this issue has been blown out of all proportion, especially during a difficult time I had at a very unethical, soul-crushing company. In summary of these issues, she has characterized me as “not a strong person” and unable to get passed my admittedly numerous and crippling personal issues in order to properly provide more than just a good salary and insurance. Especially damaging was my inability to provide emotional support to the extent required for her strong feelings and her realization that she could not count on me to support and comfort her during difficult times.
In the six weeks since the treatment center my entire life as turned around. Some of the things rapidly improving are my self-image, self-esteem, confidence, strength of character, understanding of marriage and the role of sex in it, and understanding of how much of my thinking and emotions were driven by unconscious, unhealthy beliefs. I have improved leaps and bounds as a man, father and husband, which my wife acknowledges and appreciates, but her stated position for at least 2 months now is that she has fallen out of love with me, does not want to work on our marriage, does not want me to live at home for at least a few months, and has only the faintest glimmer of hope that our marriage can be resuscitated. We have very little contact or communication except some family time with our son. Conveniently, I am currently living in a sober house that the treatment center recommended as part of an aftercare program. Whether I ever move home again is very much under question, although we have discussed some unorthodox living arrangements as an attempt to provide a stable environment for our son during the next few critical years of his life. They all sound very unappealing to me as they do not include any physical relationship and emphasize limited contact between my wife and I. We are perfectly capable of being quite happy around each other as long as we don’t talk about our marriage, the future, or her lover.
For the month or so between getting out of treatment to yesterday, I have been doing almost everything wrong according to some very good books on the subject. I have been extraordinarily emotional, probably due to having repressed so many of them until quite recently. I have been feeling overwhelming love and compassion for my wife, experiencing intense pain at the things she has said and done, almost immediately followed by a profound empathy, understanding, and acceptance. All I want to do now is to support her through this crisis, but she is unable to trust my motivations. She is unable to believe most of what I’ve been trying to communicate to her. I thought it was simply unwillingness to let her guard down, but it now seems quite consistent with someone in what seems to them as an emotionally supportive, sexually dynamic, uncomplicated new romance that is part of some bigger vision of her independent future. My wife is a wonderful person, someone that impresses and brings joy to every person she meets. Her heart has been open to me for 26 years and so recently guarded that I can’t help but put faith in her ability to fall right back in love with me if she only wanted to. She has said that she still loves me, cares for me, does not want to hurt me, values our friendship and always wants me in her life but that she has exhausted all efforts and motivation at saving our marriage.
I am so confused about what things I should accept and what things I should defend. She says she appreciates everything I’m doing for her with such patience and grace. She has revealed that she feels tremendous guilt about breaking up our family. It is very unclear what I’m doing that pushes her away and what I’m doing that supports her and provides some sense of safety and security. So much of this reminds me of my own difficulty at this exact age and in very similar circumstances. Sharing that with her and how I got through it does not fit with her idea about what is happening to her.
There are many signs to suggest that she has made up her mind, perhaps months ago, and is just trying to figure out how to end it. Now that I know about the affair, it is hard not to think that she now views our situation as hopeless, despite my efforts to comfort her and tell her that everything is going to be OK. I don’t want her to feel so hopeless, but nothing I have said or done seems to have done much to encourage her about the potential for our marriage and our family to work through this to have the best relationship of our lives so far, especially given our recent progress individually. Unfortunately, mine have been toward a healthier, happier family and hers have been away from it.
I have been using this time to improve myself and my relationship with our son. I am actively involved in my recovery and my therapy, improving every other part of my life that I can. She is proud of my accomplishments thus far. Everything she says and does with me reminds me of how she is with her friends. She has lost or is hiding very well any feelings she has for me as husband and partner. Every day that goes by feels like further damage to our chances. She is adamant that all she needs right now is time and space to figure things out, but that if pressed she is ready for a mediated divorce. She recently estimated our chance of a future reconciliation at 1%. Until a few days ago, she continued to insist that she has not broken our marriage vows, has not cheated on me, doesn’t want to hurt me, and just needs some time to figure some things out. I wish I still believed that. Now that the affair is out in the open, my hope is that it will fizzle and die so that she might be able to think more clearly.
I’ve been doing everything I can think of to reassure her and comfort her. This has been very much appreciated, but not what she wants or needs right now. She said recently that she doesn’t expect me to wait for her, to accept her, or to support her. I can’t tell from day to day what is strength and what is weakness. What must I do for myself and what can I do as her husband, friend, companion, and love of her life? They don’t feel like contradictory goals. I certainly don’t want my son to grow up in a house where his parents never kiss, never hold each other tenderly, do not share the same bed, never want time to themselves, and can’t be honest with each other. All of my wife’s ideas about the difference between marriage and family and how our ours might look going forward seem to almost guarantee that my son will grow up with horrible ideas about men, women, love, marriage, commitment, sexuality, and many other aspects of adult relationships.
A recent conversation we had ranged across many extreme versions of staying married but living separate lives. The only path forward after that would be a completely new relationship bearing little resemblance to our previous 17 years. My wife and I have changed so much recently. She is in no doubt that hers are permanent and mine are very much suspect, despite both being so new. Comparisons of time mean very little to her. When we discuss our past, the amount of time that she has been unhappy keeps getting longer. It currently seems as if the last two years have been a mortal blow to our family, but that the sickness started long ago.
She is now requesting that we deal with practical matters in preparation for divorce. I read somewhere recently that women now start two thirds of all divorces in the U.S. and that they are finalized not because of the original decision but because of the panicked reaction of their husbands which seem to solidify their thinking. Starting today I will limit all contact with my wife to the absolute minimum required to care for our son.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I will read the rest of your sitch later, I got started on it but don't have time now. However I did want to caution one thing. You used the word "detaching" for you wife's actions after her despondency during a MC session. Please be careful with that terminology.
It sounds like she UNPLUGGED from the MR at that point. There is a HUGE difference between detaching and unplugging. Detachment gets misunderstood a lot on this site, and you are going to get a lot of advance to detach. Please do not confuse that with unplugging, checking out, or going dark. It is very different than those things.
More later...........
Thanks so much for the replies. I will check out the difference between unplugging and detaching. I have pretty much given up and am trying to have as little contact with her as possible and just focus on time with my son. I don't remember now if I put this in the original post, but she actually thinks she might be in love with this goober she is having an affair with. After 3 months! Hard to believe for someone who was supposed to be finding herself and being independent.
I read a lot when I'm trying to understand something. I've been reading about marriage crises, abandonment issues, midlife crises, childhood trauma, codependency, shame, infidelity and as many other feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that I've been able to identify from therapy, introspection, talking with others, and remembering as much as I can of what my wife has said recently and over the last couple of years. It is abundantly clear that she is going through almost exactly what other sources and especially these forums have identified as MLC and WW. I am doing well in my work to process, accept, and forgive myself for what I have done to contribute to this situation. I am overdoing it a bit, even according to my therapists, trying to understand and empathize with my wife. They are encouraging me to allow myself to feel abandoned, angry, disrespected and deeply disappointed in my wife. They are also cautioning me against agreeing with anything I don't want and compromising on things I feel strongly about. She had been clear on her need for space and time and now I understand that I need the same even more. As hard as the last few months have been, the next year will be even harder as I detach and yet try to hold out hope, if only for my son.
Feelings change from day to day. I was firmly resolved to pursue my own path forward without my wife on Friday and then spending time with my son over the weekend brought on waves of doubt and concern. Not doubt about what I have to do for myself and my son, but doubt about what might be left to do for my marriage. I feel quite strongly that I have obligations, but I also understand that I have to make these decisions and take actions without any cooperation. Very confusing times. I bought some 10 pound weights to exercise with when I feel stressed and that helps. I've been getting better sleep (it was down to 3 hours a night until recently) and I'm beginning to eat more. The books I'm reading about infidelity and abandonment are really helping. I know I'll get through this and be a better man than I ever thought possible. I just can't stop hoping that my wife sees this progress and considers reconciling. I'm am getting better at detaching and not allowing our feelings to be so enmeshed.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I've definitely read the book and she doesn't know about it and she has no access to my computer.
I've failed to mention something that may be very important. She has told her closest friends not only about our situation but also about the affair. She doesn't know I'm aware of this. Her friends have been not only supportive of her decisions in regard to our marriage but also excited and enthusiastic about the affair. I am very troubled by this as it seems to be almost more significant than the affair itself. I could use some advice about this.
RWAlan,
I still haven't read your entire sitch yet. I will try to do that later today.
You're right. We call it an emotional roller-coaster. One minute you're on top of the world feeling like your path forward is to cut her loose since she is the one losing out whether she knows it or not.
That is followed quickly be the low where you feel like your world will come to an end if she doesn't wake up and come back to MR. This is very typical.
Feel your emotions, don't try to control them. But at the same time do not let your emotions control you! Stay the course through the ups and downs. This is why written goals are so important. Trust me, it is such a great feeling to have your W say something or do something that would normally make you spiral out of control emotionally and to not feel that at all. That is when you know you are doing detachment well.
Thank you Steve. I have been making remarkable progress. I'm in therapy and working a 12-step program so I feel better every day. I'm less and less worried about myself and my future. Having written goals and a journal has helped a lot. I'm exercising and planning to add more to my daily routine. I'm eating better. My relationship with my son has improved dramatically. My main concern now is my son's health and happiness. My wife is beyond my reach for now so I'm leaving her alone.
Thank you Steve and Cadet for your support.
P.S. I have benefited quite a bit by considering her actions as unplugging rather than detaching.
It has become quite clear that she is dealing more with her childhood and her parents than with her marriage. Our marriage is something she can escape, whereas her family isn't. As I detach and spend less time with her and communicate less, she will hopefully realize that the pain that is still there isn't coming from me. I've experienced tremendous relief from dealing with my issues that way.
So, I started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and listening to the audio book Iron John. I don't want to overdo it, but there is some good stuff in both. I plan to integrate the real man stuff into my life and help my son appreciate it during his adolescence. I've been getting in touch with my side of the marriage story, remembering episodes I've repressed and noticing patterns of behavior. There is plenty she hasn't owned up to or even realized probably. We have both blamed way to much on me. I'm dealing with my own personal issues and working to understand my part in our history and what my current responsibilities are. I feel like I'm getting stronger, more confident, and more independent every day.
I have an appointment with an attorney to go over my rights and how to protect myself and my son. I did a simple internet search for myself and my wife and we are both listed as either single or possibly single on multiple sites. I have no idea how this happened. I'm thinking she must have changed her status on FB before deleting her profile. I have made it clear that I will be returning home soon and that she can find an apartment.
My therapist is highly skilled in trauma therapies and we have been working through both childhood issues and recent events. I have been able to process and integrate memories of condemnation and fear of God and judgment. I have also worked through being told I am not strong, not emotionally available, and not worth being in love with. Yesterday we focused on the affair, recent suspicions, guilt, shame, and regret. We finished on the deep disappointment and realization that her crisis is not about me and that I've done everything I could. I had good reasons to divorce before this crisis. I have found deep reserves of strength, confidence, and compassion in myself that were always with me but not nurtured in my marriage. I recognize weakness, doubt, and dispair in my wife that have much more to do with her parents than with me. I tried for years to listen and support her. Perhaps her failure to get the attention and respect of her parents has been transferred to me and our marriage. Because she has used this crisis to justify hurting herself, our family, and our future I am now able to step up and protect and provide for my son, myself, and even her. My ability to work through my pain without hurting anyone will be a model of a man's ability and responsibility for my son.
I'm trying to post regular updates to vent and keep my thread active. I'm struggling with the particulars of the DB program for my extreme situation. I've been doing a ton of research and introspection and therapy and talking to a lot of people. Of course, that brings me a lot of different ideas about what I need to do now. Everything points to improving myself and my relationship with my son. That is a given. I'm meeting new people and creating a new life for myself. The real issue is how to deal with my wife. Amount and style of communication, attitude when around her, etc. I've always been over-analytical because of my repressed emotions. Now that I'm getting in touch with who I am and what I want I'm surprised to discover that I really don't know if I want to be married to this woman anymore. Truth be told, I've been troubled by our marriage for years, probably more than her actually. I really want to create the space and time we both need to figure out what our future could look like.
About communication and attitudes towards your W, DB gives good guidelines about that. I would follow that. Figure out the degree of NC you can do with W. Respond only when you need to. Figure out communications about your son and schedule etc.
Yes, through the healing process one sees who the other person really is and it can make you do a double-take on whether you want to be with them. I can tell you that you can't be with her the way she is. She would have to do work and show tremendous growth to be a good partner to anyone. One of my key character traits is accountability. I will not be with anyone who can't do that.
Keep improving your relationship with your son and just focus on you. Let her go on her path and keep communications on a needs only basis. Don't initiate R talks. and if she does, just validate. NC/Dark will help you create that space you're talking about. From my personal experience, this space was so helpful and important.
Thank you very much. This seems to be the direction I'm heading in anyway. You are correct about how much she needs to work on herself before anything between us is possible. There are no current signs that she is willing to do anything. The detachment of the last 9 days or so has resulted in her ceasing all signs of affection or regard. However, it has also brought all discussion of serious issues to a halt. I'm willing to continue this path for awhile.
It has helped tremendously to understand that this is a major life crisis for her and does not have much to do with me. The things she has complained about are things I need to work on anyway. Life goes on and is getting better by the week.
It is fascinating to me that she seems completely OK, even happy, the few times I've seen her lately. I realized that I'm actually feeling better, even with the occasional anxiety, than I've felt in years. I don't think we've both been this seemingly well in a long time. Everything must be boiling right under the surface, but you wouldn't be able to tell by watching us. The last time I said anything serious she did visibly deflate a bit, but I avoid those situations like the plague now.
Spoke with attorney yesterday. Made me feel a lot better. There is clearly no legal activity going on at all yet. It would take upwards of a year even if we started now on mediation.
RWAlan,
I finally caught up on your sitch. It is very complicated, probably more so than most others here. Obviously, your battle with addiction is the biggest complicating factor.
You made this statement in your OP:
I had a relapse which I now understand from later events is triggered when my primary addiction, my wife’s love, becomes absent or withheld.
This needs to be fixed. And the only way to do that is through detachment. Read the detachment thread. Learn it. You are way too attached to your W, more than is close to healthy. Do some study on self-differentiation in marriage.
My advice to you?
1) Work on being sober above all else. Nothing else in your life can be right until you have that fully under control. You've learned a lot along the way. 1) You can never drink like a normal (non-alcoholic) person. 2) You will use other excuses to justify drinking, so 180 on that (see what I quoted from you above). You've learned that relapses can happen so remain diligent to never even consider drinking. (Note: as a recovering alcoholic myself (now 24+ year sober) I can relate.)
2) Once you've taken care of yourself including #1, be the best father that you can be. It sounds like you are doing this. Keep it up. You have to be the priority because you can't be a good father without first being healthy yourself.
3) Give your W not only the time and space she asks for, and time and space she hasn't! You ended your OP by saying you were only going to communicate with her about your S. That is good. Logistics about S's care ONLY. Nothing else. You have to stop ALL pressure and pursuit. No R talks. Remain diligent on that.
I get the impression that you haven't read DB/DR. Get DR at a minimum and read it. Your W is showing classic WAS characteristics. The rewriting of history, blaming you for everything, suggesting things that she knows you will not be for (IE the staying married and living separate lives suggestions). This is all WAS 101. They do these things to try and let you down easy. To ease their own guilt. But your WAS is saying and doing all the typical WAS things. DR will explain all of this too you.
As Cadet's post says. Detach. Continue doing your 180s (control your addiction, be the best father you can be, etc), GAL! GAL is sooooooo important. You need to stay busy and active. Get back into shape physically and the emotional and mental will follow suit! Just be the best, RWAlan 2.0 you can be!
Your W will either come around, or she won't. But you need to do all these things for YOU, not her or the MR.
Thanks for continued support. I'm working the steps of AA and having marvelous results. I'm spending as much time with my son as I can considering all the self-improvement work I'm doing. I stay in constant contact. I see him at least once a day. I've stopped all questions and comments about our marriage, future, and the affair. I have finished DR and identified my wife as a wandering wife in a midlife crisis. The only guilt she has expressed is over the breakup of our family unit. I'm setting goals for 180s, GAL, and detaching. Things are going about as well as they can be for now. I lost my wedding band for about a week and she noticed, but I found it this morning. Other than that, no real issues of any merit have come up for almost 2 weeks. There was one instance where she wanted to begin a conversation on scheduling, specifically about dividing time with our son when I move back home. She has the idea that we will get an apartment and switch out so that our son stays at home with one parent at a time. I just said I didn't know what I wanted but would be thinking about it. With the understanding provided by my attorney I know that I can refuse this. If she needs the space to find herself and pursue an individual agenda, she can get her own apartment and see what it is like to support herself and be alone.
Well, she has said she wants to move forward with divorce. She wants to talk about what we might tell our son. She knows that I will be returning to our home, so she is thinking of getting an apartment. The first shock was that she wants our son to come with her. This is way different than her idea for months now that he would stay at home and we would each spend as much time there with him as we felt comfortable with. She has said the apartment would be very close by, maybe right across the street. She says there is a lot of room for fairness and there are a lot of possibilities. She does not want to put off for much longer getting things on paper. She says there is a lot of room for negotiation and she doesn't want me to agree to anything I am uncomfortable with.
Direct quote: "I don't want you to come home with the unrealistic expectation that there is a marital future between you and me. I'm sorry that I have hurt you. And I know you are sorry you've hurt me. We never meant to do it to one another. "
Believe nothing she says. And only half of what she does.
I keep repeating the above mantra to myself. It's early days so it's easier said than done at the moment.
Direct quote: "I don't want you to come home with the unrealistic expectation that there is a marital future between you and me. I'm sorry that I have hurt you. And I know you are sorry you've hurt me. We never meant to do it to one another. "
How did you react to this RWAlan?
The only surprise was the change in plan for our son. I'm still operating under the VERY well established fact that she is in full midlife meltdown. I didn't commit to anything and was very brief in my responses. For the last 2 weeks now I haven't said anything that I'm worried about. It seems like she might be trying to get serious with this affair partner which is disastrous for her for so many reasons. I have to weather the storm for a few more months at least to give this situation some more time. It has only been going on for 4 months. As for the many things she has said over the last 2 months, it has been so inconsistent that it is difficult to believe much of anything at this point. I'm moving forward with my detailed plan of action.
P.S. If she keeps dragging my son through this though I might have to take some preemptive action.
So I found out that my wife told my kid that she would be gone for 2 days downtown with friends. He was so confused. His mom has been leaving regularly for months. She told him she wouldn't do that anymore. Now she is just a few miles away staying in a hotel for 2 nights. I'm having trouble explaining to him what is happening. This is making it extremely difficult to even want reconciliation. Her selfishness is getting out of hand. It looks to him like his mom is building a new life without us.
Very conflicted today. I'm having doubts about this approach to my situation so I'm re-reading the appropriate sections of the book and these forums. There are of course alternate ideas floating around in books and online. Some of these are very appealing, but none seem to fit my situation as well as the MLC/WW double-whammy discussed on these forums. It has been about 17 days of virtually no contact and the situation seems worse now. I continue to improve in a lot of ways, but I still get anxiety when I even think of some of the particulars, especially the affair and her recent mentions of divorce. I'm working the 4th step of AA, which is an inventory of resentments, fears, and sex history and it seems to be helping. The trauma therapy is great for childhood issues, but a bit of a challenge for such recent shocks. I will continue to report here. It is the one place online that I feel like I can share everything and get support. Thanks to readers and contributors.
RWAlan, so the alternatives to giving her time and space is to NOT give her time and space. How do you think she would react to that?
If she hasn't contacted you in 17 days, likely she doesn't want to talk to you. So again, your alternative is to try to force her to talk. Usually doesn't work too well with WW, MLC or not.
You are doing the right thing. But you are still too focused on her. Quit counting the days. Concentrate on GAL. Be busy from the minute you wake up until the minute you go to sleep. If she wants to talk she will initiate.
So what our your GAL plans for today?
I get up at 5am and enjoy having coffee and cigarettes on the back porch while I read. I then head to work listening to an audio book. I keep pretty busy at work, but do take time to check these forums and do a little step work for AA. When I get home I have commitments until 9pm. I usually go to bed at 9:30pm, so it is a very full day.
P.S. Are there any references or good examples of signatures?
I get up at 5am and enjoy having coffee and cigarettes on the back porch while I read. I then head to work listening to an audio book. I keep pretty busy at work, but do take time to check these forums and do a little step work for AA. When I get home I have commitments until 9pm. I usually go to bed at 9:30pm, so it is a very full day.
P.S. Are there any references or good examples of signatures?
That is pretty non-specific. So if your WAS called you right now and wanted to meet tonight at 7pm, could you legitimately tell her you have plans and will have to schedule for a week from now? Or are your GAL plans so soft, and your desire to communicate with her so great, that you would willing agree to this meeting?
GAL is so important that I cannot stress it enough. When I say busy I mean more than just smoking and sipping coffee. I mean getting up and doing a full workout before you get ready for work. Solid plans in the evening.
W calls, "can we meet tonight at 7pm?" "Sorry, I am busy. I can pencil you in for next Monday at 7pm." See what that does? Suddenly she is thinking, "why is he so busy?" "What is he doing?" "Why is he not more willing to meet with me? A month ago he'd beg me for a meeting!"
On the P.S. no, we just put in the details and dates of our sitch that give a broad enough pic.
I would definitely not be available to meet on her schedule. I am not willing to meet her at all currently. I've only seen her a couple of times in the last few weeks and only while I was picking up my son. She texted me about divorce and her plans to take my son. My replies were short and non-compliant. I forgot to mention that I've spoken to a different lawyer and he was quite confident that she has made enough mistakes already to make it quite difficult to remove my son against his will from the house he's lived in all his life. I'm taking every bit of confidence I can get externally while I build it up internally. Would somebody care to explain this quote ( I don't remember reading it in DR ):
"Believe nothing she says. And only half of what she does."
WASs RARELY say the truth. WWs even less so. That quote is from sandi dealing re: dealing with WWs. WWs have no morals or ethics and will lie, steal and cheat if it nets them what they want. So you can't take their words at face-value. Even WASs will lie for a myriad of reasons. The problem is LBSs hang on every word of the WAS. Which is a very very bad idea.
Well, at least I know that much. It is still hard to imagine this is the same person. What a strange year this has been.
Listen to Steve. My WW lies about any and everything. 99% of the lies are so easy to see through it makes no sense. Its almost as if all common sense has escaped their brain, and they cant think clearly. Sadly, its true that you cant believe ANYTHING they say.
Examining my resentments, fears, and sex inventory in the fourth step of AA is helping a lot. Helping me understand myself. I think I'm past even trying to understand my wife except what I read here about MLC and WW. Also, the Big Book of AA talks about thinking of the person that is hurting you as sick and in need of help, but not your help.
WASs RARELY say the truth. WWs even less so. That quote is from sandi dealing re: dealing with WWs. WWs have no morals or ethics and will lie, steal and cheat if it nets them what they want. So you can't take their words at face-value. Even WASs will lie for a myriad of reasons. The problem is LBSs hang on every word of the WAS. Which is a very very bad idea.
Steve, why are WAS and WW like that?
She keeps texting me to ask how i am. So far I just say Fine, Great, or Good. I wait a few hours to send that. Sometimes I don't answer at all.
She keeps texting me to ask how i am. So far I just say Fine, Great, or Good. I wait a few hours to send that. Sometimes I don't answer at all.
Yep, that the right approach. Don't be too eager. When you do answer 1 or 2 words. "I'm good" "Fine" etc.
You got this RW.
I did not respond and she texted that she needs to speak with me soon. After what she said about taking my son with her, I do not know what to say if anything. Some options are "I no longer feel comfortable talking to you without advice from an attorney", "I just don't trust you after what you said", "I'm busy until the weekend", "All my free time is dedicated to our son", "I don't want to talk to you".
While typing this she texted again to ask a random question.
I talked to the lawyer again that was so reassuring over the weekend. He suggested that I ask her what she wants to talk about and then call him back. She just wanted to schedule time to "have a chat" about the future. I told her to put it on paper and I'd get it this weekend. The lawyer suggested getting back into the house ASAP. I told her I was wanting more time with my son and that I might move back sooner rather than later. She didn't even object. I responded to almost everything with "I'll think about it". She mostly just kept saying that she didn't want to restrict access to my son in any way, that she always wanted a 50/50 custody split. I said put it on paper. The lawyer said he would represent me in a collaborative divorce which is the only thing she has ever mentioned and which he said is his specialty and allows for maximum flexibility especially for kids. She kept using weasel phrases like "If we get divorced". I didn't even respond to those. There was almost nothing to even disbelieve.
What a strange year this has been.
Truer words have never been said better.
I talked to the lawyer again that was so reassuring over the weekend. He suggested that I ask her what she wants to talk about and then call him back. She just wanted to schedule time to "have a chat" about the future. I told her to put it on paper and I'd get it this weekend. The lawyer suggested getting back into the house ASAP. I told her I was wanting more time with my son and that I might move back sooner rather than later. She didn't even object. I responded to almost everything with "I'll think about it". She mostly just kept saying that she didn't want to restrict access to my son in any way, that she always wanted a 50/50 custody split. I said put it on paper. The lawyer said he would represent me in a collaborative divorce which is the only thing she has ever mentioned and which he said is his specialty and allows for maximum flexibility especially for kids. She kept using weasel phrases like "If we get divorced". I didn't even respond to those. There was almost nothing to even disbelieve.
Is she still in the A? If so this behavior may be that the OM is starting to waffle. More than likely he wasn't looking for a long-term R. Most women that get into As are. So she is trying to keep you around as plan B. That is what the "if we get divorced" thing is all about.
Some guys that cheat with married W bolt the minute the woman leave her husband. If the OM knows you two separated he may have got cold feet and pulled back.
But yes, get back home ASAP. Take back your MBR until she agrees that to end the A, and work on the MR.
She texted last night.
"I'm sorry that I couldn't keep doing it. I just couldn't. I wanted to make it work, but I failed. I wanted to love you out of your depression and sadness but I couldn't. I failed you and our son and myself and I'm sorry. But life was telling me something: that I wasn't able to keep trying. That if I tried to keep trying, I would hurt us all even more. "
This is the same regret she expressed a few weeks ago when I confronted her about the affair. It is the only thing she seems to feel bad about. At least it is consistent.
I'm still standing strong and holding my ground in regards to our son and our home. I made it clear that her recent statements were unacceptable and she seemed startled and was quick to retract any implication of a change of plans. It is the first time since I started detaching that I pushed back and it seems to have solidified my boundaries. The lawyer's advice and support was essential. I feel like I have some control of my situation. Thanks for your continued help.
Good day yesterday and looking forward to today.
WW texting a lot lately just asking how I'm doing. I say Good thanks for asking.
When she texts that she is really trying and cares a lot about me I don't respond.
My son and I have been getting along great.
Thanks for the continued support.
Books are still coming in that I ordered weeks ago. Latest:
Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy
The Solo Partner: Repairing Your Relationship on your own
RW, well done! Your detachment is starting to have an effect. Even if only for her to feel the loss of control and start temp-checking to regain some of it. My philosophy is that any curiosity on the WAWs part is a good thing, even if her intentions are not pure. I've read in a lot of places that apathy is the most dangerous feeling (or lack thereof!) in a spouse. Hate is even better than apathy. By time so many WAWs initiate BD the've already slipped into a place of apathy. GAL, detaching, 180ing can all make them start caring again, over time, with consistency. I am guessing that immediately after 6/4 your W wasn't constantly texting you to check on you, as she was apathetic.
Keep up the good work.
I had some kind of epiphany in trauma therapy that was so profound I'm still trying to put it into words.
I've been writing for the last 4 months about everything but so far have failed to capture this one. I thought I'd try to post it here. This kind of trauma therapy is a combination of Rapid Resolution and EMDR.
I start with a specific memory and bring the stress level down slowly by free association in a kind of meditative trance.
Anyway, scanning our entire marriage a single event came to mind.
We had just had sex and I was sitting on the side of the bed facing away from her. She was behind me laying down. I was feeling dejected and shamed. I don't remember exactly why. I think I must have failed in some way. That is how I remember feeling. I was trying to explain my feelings to her without hurting her. I guess I thought the whole truth was too much for her to deal with. She responded by saying she felt like a failure and shameful. She said that she felt unattractive and unable to arouse me. I was surprised and tried to comfort her. This next part is the key and I'm not sure I've remembered this consciously for years. She said that she didn't really feel that way, that she was just trying to show me what it felt like to hear what I had said. I was more confused in this moment that perhaps at any other time before or since. The sudden empathy flowing both ways was astounding. We cuddled for awhile and the rest of the day was wonderful. Until now I have only remembered the first part up until trying to comfort her.
This seems to blow open our entire marriage for re-examination. At the end of the therapy session I tried to summarize the event as simply as possible. After a failure of any kind, try to limit the selfishness and empathize with the effect of my words and behaviour. Then comfort my wife and reassure her.
This is a very poor and incomplete picture of the session and the memory. After that event I usually handled similar situations by focusing on her pleasure and almost always succeeded in bringing her to climax and usually she then did the same for me. I don't mean to imply that this was the norm. Even though over the years the frequency declined, I feel that we usually had a much more mutually satisfying experience. What I'm struggling with is trying to figure out how much she may have felt rejected and unattractive despite the fact the we both "finished".
It is the empathy or lack of it that concerns me now. Not just because it may be too late to do anything about it.
I'm suppose to be learning everything I can about myself. I was always very attracted to her and tried to show it in many ways other than just sexually. Up until a month ago I was still regularly telling her how beautiful she is and complimenting her on her appearance and self-improvement efforts. I still do this, but not as frequently. She has dropped 25 pounds but this may be motivated by the attention of the other man. I can't piece together the sequence of events of the last 8 months. I've never been very good at placing my memories into any kind of timeline.
What does this all mean? Not necessarily for any kind of plan other than improving myself.
She has said that sexual healing could have resolved many of the other issues that we have had.
The other memory that has been floating around in my consciousness for awhile may be relevant.
I remember the amazing look on her face in the early days which I called her "sex eyes". I have not seen that specific look in years. The only way I can describe it is a look of desire and anticipation.
This post may be the most confusing thing I've written. I'm tempted to edit the hell out of it, but I need some feedback first I think. I need more than just "Get a Life" and "Read about Detachment" or "Stop complimenting her". What can I learn from this? Do you have similar memories or concerns?
Alan, it’s part of your inner voyage. Eventually we all should do it. It’s about knowing ourselves, to step aside and look our journey. Facing our past, and our fears. But always looking at the present and trying to improve for the future. You know that, one step after the other. Facing forward and moving your feet.
Just continue reading. You are answering your own questions. Keep walking man. You are getting stronger.
I just noticed that I only see signatures when I'm not logged in.
We seem to have a lot in common. If you don't mind, I'd like to read your threads. I don't think I can comment yet.
You can read all member posts. Just click on the names and then show forum posts. You must be logged in to do that.
Lately I've been getting a compulsion to simply ask her if she is sure this is what she wants. The man she has been in love with for 26 years and married to for 15 years will be completely removed from her life.
I haven't asked this and won't but it has been on my mind for a couple of days.
Yeah we all go through thoughts like that. Obviously we think that putting it another way will "wake her up".
It doesn't. It won't.
It is very simple as to when walkaways will wake up to what they are doing and change their mind: when THEY want to. Not before. In fact not an instant before.
You can beg them, plead with them, reason with them, reword it a million times. But until THEY want to come back it won't matter. Even if they begrudgingly agree to try, it will be half-hearted and doomed to failure.
They have to want it. And it is unlikely anything you say will make them want it.
Her timeline seems to have become compressed and urgent all of a sudden. Like let's get it over with ASAP.
I've taken it rather well, but changes are happening so rapidly that I feel spun around and more confused than in a month or more. I'm still showing resolve and calm acceptance, but I wish I actually felt more confident and sure of my future and my son's future. Hopefully things slow down a bit like before but I'm not holding my breath. Time will tell.
Just take it easy. Breathe. This is typical WAS. Weeks of inactivity followed by a flurry of "we have to get this done!" Likely followed by more weeks of inactivity.
Remember, the walkaway is on their own roller-coaster ride.
One week since last post. My apologies.
Another week of inactivity in terms of communication. She was gone over the weekend.
I had loads of quality time with my son.
She will be gone again in a week. I only assume these trips are to her boyfriend. I don't ask.
My son is increasingly concerned about her absences so soon after promising not to be absent.
She missed his first sporting event at his new school. She will be missing the second one as well.
Stress at work is picking up a bit but not unduly.
I have been meditating a lot and it helps.
I got my teeth whitened and I've quit smoking and drinking coffee to keep them nice and clean.
They look great.
Not sure what else to report. My mood still varies with my thoughts. I still dwell on memories of us together.
P.S. What is piecing?
Good to hear on the meditating and quitting smoking (I can't imagine giving up my coffee!) Physical and mental health are a great way to take care of ourselves.
Piecing is piecing the relationship back together after reconciling. There is a separate forum for that.
Thanks man. Definitely not piecing yet as reconciliation still seems impossible.
Wife continues to unplug from me and our son. He and I have a great time together without her. I have to meditate multiple times a day to deal with the disappointment and outrage. I could forgive everything else but abandoning our son is brutal to witness. It is a constant battle to hold back from filing an at-fault petition against her, but I refuse to be the one who gets blamed for the breakup of our family. This is on her.
I continue to struggle daily to not file against her.
The collaborative divorce process starts soon with individual sessions on parenting through this.
I'm not sure how much I want to reveal to the counsellor.
I don't want them thinking that my intention not to support her in any way is some kind of revenge.
Shared custody with 50/50 time does not require separate payments to my wife. I'm meeting the requirement by providing a home where our son spends half his time.
During the next phase which is some kind of marriage counselling, I will establish that I have no intention of paying any spousal support and that I want her to buy me out of our mortgage and her new car.
I will maintain my calm, pleasant demeanour while living in our home, but have no intention of spending any time with her after this is all over. Reconciliation is starting to seem like a dream I used to have. Perhaps it is more likely after we are divorced. I really don't know.
I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. She barely speaks to me and only in very bitter terms. And yet she wants me to move in directly across the street. She wants me to arrange everything about the divorce that she wants. I've only agreed to parenting coordination so far. I'm losing my will to continue.
Just like everyone else, the parenting coordinator was stunned at my wife's behavior and my continued hope. My wife meets with her on Friday. The coordinator's evaluation of the situation will help me determine if there is hope for a collaborative divorce. That is all for now.
I have been meditating more and more, even going to a Buddhist temple. They were so welcoming, accepting, and non-judgmental the first time I went I realized that I haven't felt that at home ever. I am convinced that my wife is incapable of loving anyone. She will never admit that she has anything to change about herself. I don't think our marriage was ever about anything other than her disappointments. I am devastated and if not for my son I would leave the state and never come back.
Meditation is great. I haven't ever tried it in a group setting (outside of yoga) but I imagine that it would be incredibly peaceful and soothing to the soul.
I think trying to reach that state of love, acceptance and non-judgement about our WAS and our sitches is one of the ultimate goals of DBing. May your journey towards that be rewarding, because it certainly isn't short or easy. Take care of yourself.
In all likelihood this is my last post. I don't know how or why any of you would put up with this kind of treatment from somebody you love and who claimed to love you. Nobody has ever treated me with such cruelty and contempt. I'm getting divorced and not looking back. Screw her and her selfish, delusional midlife pity party. The icing on the cake is her expecting support while continuing her affair. Not with my lawyer.
Sorry to hear that RW. What happened? Is it a petition for support?
Regardless, I would encourage you to not make any decisions until the heat of the emotions have passed. If you still want to leave the community or want to get going on the divorce immediately you will still have that opportunity. For me, I find emotional decisions to be reactive rather than based on my values, and they are often the ones I regret the most. Also, in my experience, this community is a great place to move beyond a relationship that has no future or isn't worth rescuing.
No matter what, I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Take care of yourself.
Now she is screwing up the collaborative divorce process as if she actually wants to go to court. What a psycho. I am moving out in a few days. I can't take this anymore. My lawyer can take it from here.
Well, after loads of therapy and nothing but disappointment and regret over the last few years I have very few happy memories left of our entire relationship. She has definitely changed dramatically since her breakdown of about 1.5 years ago over her awful parents. Her therapist was supposed to be helping her with codependency dealing with her parents but somehow turned into a personal quest for self-actualization that involved an affair and divorce. I hope she gets what she wants out of this. I just want a fair settlement.
I will never think that I deserved to be cheated on and lied to, but I have been feeling a lot of guilt about my problems during our marriage. I have been living in an apartment nearby for about a week. The divorce process is moving forward. I'm still in therapy and meditating. I feel that I am a good person, but that I wasn't a very good husband. I think I can be, but it is too late for her. She has moved on and it started a year or two ago, not just 6 months ago like I thought. I will miss her terribly.
Hey Alan, you´ll miss the old W, not the new one...sorry for this.
Just keep growing yourself, take care of your S.
It has been a month since I last posted. I have been living in a very nice apartment in a great part of town. I am meeting new people and really enjoying myself. My son has visited a few times and we had fun and some good conversations. The collaborative divorce is moving ahead. She only communicates with me when she needs something, which is fine. She still doesn't seem to realize what her future is going to look like. She will have to work a lot more or get a better job. Her spending will have to come down drastically. I have met some other divorced men who are a real help when I get down. I feel like I've been waiting for this for a few years.
We were discussing the holidays and how to split them up. She said our son is always free to go to my family's gatherings and that she hopes to be able to come sometime too. She still thinks this is going to be all roses for her. I never would have believed that other people are as delusional if I hadn't started reading the posts here. Cheaters seem to think that forgiveness isn't even required because they did nothing wrong. What a bunch of assholes.
Yes, cheaters feel justified because -insert flavor of day excuse for allowing OM to use her body anyway he'd like here-.
My favorite is that "in my mind we've been divorced already so this doesn't count as cheating". WHAT? This goes along with the gender issue in society today where one can wake up and "identify as the other gender" and then inherently get all kinds of rights (like going in to the other gender's restroom). It just doesn't make a lot of sense.
Mental beliefs do not make things reality. I can decide I am a bird, but if I jump off a building I won't fly.
But yes, I would have really enjoyed telling her "Sorry, you fired me as your H. Attending my family holiday gatherings is something my W would be privileged to do."
We were discussing the holidays and how to split them up. She said our son is always free to go to my family's gatherings and that she hopes to be able to come sometime too. She still thinks this is going to be all roses for her. I never would have believed that other people are as delusional if I hadn't started reading the posts here. Cheaters seem to think that forgiveness isn't even required because they did nothing wrong. What a bunch of assholes.
R2C should post this in his Quotes thread. RWAlan so true, so true indeed.
My favorite is that "in my mind we've been divorced already so this doesn't count as cheating".
Seriously. Makes you wonder how many people get a mental D so they can have a quick fling with someone they met at a bar or party, then get remarried the next morning. All without telling their spouse. Some people have probably been divorced 10 or 20 times before BD and never knew it!
We were discussing the holidays and how to split them up. She said our son is always free to go to my family's gatherings and that she hopes to be able to come sometime too. She still thinks this is going to be all roses for her. I never would have believed that other people are as delusional if I hadn't started reading the posts here. Cheaters seem to think that forgiveness isn't even required because they did nothing wrong. What a bunch of assholes.
Dude they will go to no ends trying to find a way to justify it. They will mentally run and exhaust themselves to death. Let them. Stay out of that crazy crap. I've already found that trying to argue that it is still an affair isn't worth the effort.
n my mind we've been divorced already so this doesn't count as cheating
Yes, this is WW/WH gold. I heard this and about 3 other versions. Garbage. Nothing they do wrong is their fault, but rather yours. I just said screw it, you can say that, and I'm not going to keep trying to convince you that you have control over yourself. Good Lord!
I got that one too, along with "it was already over." If it was already over, why have the A and keep it a secret for 6 months, hmm?
Strange to think back to when I wanted to win her back at all costs. Divorce is wrapping up and communication is strictly logistics of dropoffs and pickups. She tried to blackmail me for extra spousal support. My lawyer laughed it off. My kid and I have a lot of fun at my new apartment. I've gone on some dates but didn't feel anything. Too soon. No hurry. It is a real struggle to remember anything good about her or our marriage. I'm just focusing on work and social life and my son. It is actually very manageable.
Well, the bubble burst. Her boyfriend is gone and she has been committed to a mental health facility. My son is with me. Friends and family are finally admitting that she has been off the rails for quite a while now. All I want is for her to be a good mother to my son. I don't know if I have anything to give to help her recover. Just living day to day again.
I´m sorry Alan. Being there for your kid is a way to help W too.
Stay strong there.
(((Alan)))
"in my mind we've been divorced already so this doesn't count as cheating" this here is priceless. I heard this too. When XW moved out of our house and hadn't even filed for D yet she wanted me to tell the kids that we are done, finito. She said that our kids(at that time 7&10) don't understand the difference between D and separation. Well they did...
Oh and the legendary "nothing's going to change, we're just not together anymore"
And Alan. Eventually it's a good thing she got committed. She'll get help amd hopefully she'll see that she really needs it. Stay strong man! Be the awesome dad you are!
Well, the bubble burst. Her boyfriend is gone and she has been committed to a mental health facility. My son is with me. Friends and family are finally admitting that she has been off the rails for quite a while now. All I want is for her to be a good mother to my son. I don't know if I have anything to give to help her recover. Just living day to day again.
Very sorry to hear that. But don't get involved, let the professionals to their work. You've got to really detach, I mean 100%. Good luck!