So where to start?
Been married just shy of 10years, but together for 16. Just had the BD about 26 days ago. I had the usual NGS reaction. However stumbled on to this website and it seems to have gotten my attention. I'm trying the LRT, still trying to disconnect and GAL.
I'm not entirely sure if my wife is a WAW or WW. I assume WW since this all happened after I confronted her about having "feelings" for another guy. Our marrige has struggled for years. It got really rough when the kids arrived. Shes said in the past, if we didnt have kids she would have left me. I'm sure its our emotional connection that has issues. She suffers from depression, and when she gets in that state, we definatly disconnect.
Not sure other than the usual advice given, what I can do. I'm trying to stay strong for my 2 D's but its tough.
If she leaves, I'm sure we'll lose the house and need to uproot the kids. I'm angry at her selfishness. But have tried to move to the place where I know its not under my control. Not easy. Shes turned into "party girl" overnight. Out sometimes 4 and 5 nights a week. Drinking and being with some unsavory people.
Most of them are wanting to sleep with each others spouses, some in open marriages etc. She asked me if I could be in an open marriage, since she feels shes now polyamrous.
I do love her, but cant live like that. Been to the lawyer yesterday, and I'm pretty screwed. The laws here are very biased, but I should get joint custody. Thats what really matters.
So to sum it up I guess, is I think shes been a WAW for a while and changed into a WW? Thoughts?
Thanks.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Please do as cadet days and read DR/DB. LRT is for a very specific set of circumstances. I don't think you're the yet since she hasn't left.
Detach (read that thread carefully). 180s or stop behaviors that haven't worked. GAL!! That is very important. And be spouse only a fool would leave.
Also study sandi's rules. Learn them. And follow them. Your still early in your sitch and the less mistakes you make now will pay dividends later.
I've read all of sandi's posts and am working on detachment. I'm def the more needy one in the relationship. I'm working on the tough love. I have her sleeping downstairs, while I took the MBR. Her asking for a divorce I think would have been one thing, but the lying and betrayal just cuts me deeper. I dont know how one humanbeing can do that to another. Hardest thing I've ever been through. One step at a time I guess.
cdn- sorry you are here but you will meet some amazing people with some real good feedback. If you read the tag line for my thread- Wife is is not who I married. This is exactly what we all experience. It could be multiple of things from depression to an affair. We may never find out the reason but me must focus on ourselves. What may help us more is if you give us some background information like ages, history just for us to help you. Take the time now to develop into the best individual you can be while being the best dad possible. Good luck on your journey!
Sorry about your M problems. Yes, it sounds like she is wayward.
Thanks Lonewlf. Your right,I may never know. Still doesnt hurt any less. M42 W38 T16 M9 D3 D7
I'm trying to disconnect and validate. We are living in the same house after BD, but in limbo. I see that time is my ally in that. I've definatly had a bad case of NGS, always thought I was helping things by doing stuff, and giving more. I see now it was setting me up for failure. I never tolerated that kind of behaviour from anyone else. But gave her "special" leway. Live and learn. Thanks for the encouragement.
cdn- What she is giving you now is the gift of time. Use it to your advantage. Become the best version of yourself. Eat well, exercise, find and do things that make your soul happy. If you believe in God -go to church pray or join a mens group. You will have up and down days. Ride the up days on the down days practice self care be mindful of your feelings but don't dwell on them. Most of all go out there and find out who YOU really are. Many times in the relationship we loose our sense of self- Time to recapture who YOU are. Blessings on your journey!
One of the things I hear newcomers say is how difficult it is to see the drastic change in their wayward spouse. She may have been a very morally upright lady who would have never considered the actions she is displaying currently. I don't know if she'll ever return to the girl she was when you married her. She appears to be deep in rebellion. However, I do believe it is possible for a WW to find her way back again.
Upon hearing his W wants a divorce, or learning of an affair, the H will often panic and seek actions that will secure his M. His fear will lead him to act in ways that his W sees as weak attempts to control her. It actually causes her lack of respect to worsen, and she acts out more.....treating him badly, to show him there is no hope of reconciling the MR.
So, I have to say that I admire you for having her leave the marital bedroom. That is a big step in showing that you will not condone her inappropriate behavior and betrayal of the MR.
From the view of his WW, her H needs to be seen in a light of respect & strength in every interaction with her. Most H's want to prove to the WW how much he loves her and believes in their M. Believe it or not, that's actually the incorrect route to take, when you have a wayward W. Her heart is completely closed to her H. It's not only closed, it is cold and has become hardened. Therefore, the more he tries to show how much he loves her, and he tries to press her not to get a divorce......the faster she tries to get away from him.
Whenever a WW gives the bomb drop (tells H she wants a D), it is not her way of waking him up to get working on their MR. Please understand this point. The bomb drop does tend to wake up the H, alright.....but that is not the purpose she has in mind. She is done with it, and has no desire whatsoever to work on the MR. The more he presses her, the worse he is making the situation.
If there is ever a time that a man needs to know his own personal values, standards, principles, beliefs, etc......it is at this point in his life. These are the things you need to rely on....call on....and act on. Your emotions will battle to dictate your actions/decisions. However, emotions were not designed to make decisions, and if you have no basis other than feelings......you'll likely do the wrong thing. So, get in touch with your moral/spiritual values for your life, b/c you will need them as a guide throughout this ordeal. It's what tells you where to draw a line....and where to take a stand.
Hope you'll post often. The more background information you share, the more it helps us have a better view.
Thanks Sandi2,
Been reading your threads like mad, trying to figure out what to do next. I'll admit, I made all the classic mistakes for the first 10 days or so. Our MC wanted her to make a decision, work on the M, or move on. I'm not entirely sure she wasnt sure what to do. So after lurking on this site, I've backed off, no ILY's, sent her out of MBR etc. Started working on myself, get up at 6am, workouts etc.
Shes still spending lots of time with these writing people. Really bad influence I think. But like you guys keep saying, I can only control myself. Hopefully she comes back around.
Either way though I'm going to be a better version of myself. I wont tolerate the bad behaviour and will work on standing up for myself.
Sandi2 I'm sure your on to something, she wants the best of both worlds. She says she wants a divorce, but wants us to do lots of "family" stuff after. Cake eating I think you guys call it.
She wants to exchange the kids every 2-3 days since she "cant take it" for long periods of time. She wanted a child schedule where I would have the kids every sun and every other sat.
Wants weekends free to hang with her friends I guess. Wants to be "happy".
If we do divorce, I think I'll tell her she can keep chasing her happyness but by pushing me and the kids away she'll always be unhappy.
Praying for everyone...
Thanks.
Still working on all the "rules", but stuck my foot in it. She started asking me how I feel etc, and I ended up blurting out that I was still willing to work on the R. I could tell that after working hard on detachment, she was taken back by me saying that. Yet more to dig out from...
One mistake didn't put your relationship in the situation it is now. One more wont kill it. Just take it as a lesson learned. It will get easier as you have more experience. Breathe. You can do this.
Hang in there.
Update,
Still working on detaching. Got the I want to be friends and do stuff as a family speach. The WW cake eating is classic. Wants me as a backup plan. Just need to keep setting boundries.
Thanks.
How are you doing, CDN? I hope you are still around and will post soon. The more you post, the more responses you will get from other board members.
Hi CDN,
Your situation is different from mine but I do really admire your boundary-setting. Good for you. I'll try to follow your thread and hope to get more updates.
Still here. Was away for 2 weeks. Back now.
Might have made another dumb life decision, but its over now. Had been planning a vacation with the kids since Jan. I kept telling myself that this would be the last family vacation for the kids ever. I did this for the kids 100%. I made sure they had fun. So I did agree to go camping. It was hard. Had a few arguments etc but nothing to major, as we had agreed to not discuss anything while camping. We mostly stuck to it. We also had arranged "alone" days where one of us would spend time with the kids by ourselves. It mostly worked. She was glued to her phone the entire time, texting her new "friends" the entire time.
I tried to stay detached. I didnt want to worry about what shes doing. I did have a meeting with a lawyer before I left. I want to ensure I have custody of the kids, if she pulls the plug. Well as we were driving back she starts by stating I need to watch the kids during the week since she wants to be out with her friends.
I explain I am not built in babysitting. I explain that I dont think the time allotment is close to equal. I say we need a parenting schedule. So I can GAL etc.
This opened up a can of worms. We start discussing schedules, custody etc. All I want is some boundries on time. I suspect her EA partner/s want her out more. I cant fully DB if I'm at the house each night doing bedtime.
Dont get me wrong, I love my time spent with the kids, but this seems unfair. To me its all cake eating. I'm starting to see a life divorced. Where I'm not in pain by seeing her constantly chasing other people. There are so many bad things about divorce that I see, but I'm in that space where I know it wont be my choice, but will have to go on reguardless. I might as well make the best of it.
Thanks for the intrest.
Thanks for sharing that update. I know this seems weird (even for me to say it) but I do get some sort of solace in the fact that another person is feeling the exact same way as me with respect to D not being a choice, but something that may be out of our control, and the sort of relief that resigning to that can bring.
I hate that this is happening for you this way, but based on even this latest update, I have to agree that she really seems to be cake-eating and for the most part it's as if you all are taking the steps toward D and she's just making it harder for her own gain.
cdn- Everything for the kids- is always a good thing. They often grow up too fast and we often miss these opportunities for life's magical moments. Do your best to be the lighthouse. If you are not familiar look up the lighthouse story. Otherwise be the stable parent . Good luck on your journey!
Thanks TJT.
Been ghosting the boards a while before posting. Reading threads, it was for me weirdly comforting too that I wasnt the only one. Like everyone keeps saying, you can only control your actions. Its a weird sort of acceptance, almost like learned helplessness. The gate is unlocked, but we keep it closed...
I think some of her stuff is classic as well. She's made up her mind that I'm the source of all of her unhappyness... if she gets rid of me, she'll be happy... I'm sure she wont. Her mother did the exact same thing and lives in a depressed sorry state. You do just want to shake them and tell them to wake up... I'm sure she'll be unhappy afterwards as well. The angry part of me wants to tell her that if we do end up D.
Problem is the kids and I will be unhappy as well... All the more reason to work on myself and GAL.
This isnt a dress rehersal, and the show will go on...
thanks lonewlf, read the story... trying to be...
I think some of her stuff is classic as well. She's made up her mind that I'm the source of all of her unhappyness... if she gets rid of me, she'll be happy... I'm sure she wont. You do just want to shake them and tell them to wake up... I'm sure she'll be unhappy afterwards as well.
Yes it is classic WAS script, transferring the blame. this is exactly what my WAH says too, and it is unfathomable how they do not think of the kids in all this madness. Do not fall for her cake eating trap and if it is like most WWs she will not do anything definite to file for D so learn to love the limbo land. Indulge the kids with extra love, they deserve it all, even if both the WAS and LBS are responsible for the breakdown of the MR, i always look at my children and realize how they are being punished for something they had no role to play in. Stay strong, good luck! - arshi
Might have made another dumb life decision, but its over now. Had been planning a vacation with the kids since Jan. I kept telling myself that this would be the last family vacation for the kids ever. I did this for the kids 100%. I made sure they had fun. So I did agree to go camping. It was hard. Had a few arguments etc but nothing to major, as we had agreed to not discuss anything while camping. We mostly stuck to it. We also had arranged "alone" days where one of us would spend time with the kids by ourselves. It mostly worked. She was glued to her phone the entire time, texting her new "friends" the entire time.
My question to the LBH is that if it's 100% for the kids........why does it include the W? I mean, why couldn't the H have a vacation with just his kids.....if it's for their sake?
Well as we were driving back she starts by stating I need to watch the kids during the week since she wants to be out with her friends.
I explain I am not built in babysitting. I explain that I dont think the time allotment is close to equal. I say we need a parenting schedule. So I can GAL etc.
And where were the kids during this discussion?
This opened up a can of worms. We start discussing schedules, custody etc. All I want is some boundries on time.
What do you mean by boundaries on time?
I suspect her EA partner/s want her out more. I cant fully DB if I'm at the house each night doing bedtime.
If you are staying in separate places, you should not be over at her house........period, except to pick up/deliver the kids. Certainly don't stay with them there, while she's out GAL. And, you don't need to be there at bedtime. Sorry, but that is the reality of S/D, and she needs a big taste of it.
Dont get me wrong, I love my time spent with the kids, but this seems unfair. To me its all cake eating. I'm starting to see a life divorced. Where I'm not in pain by seeing her constantly chasing other people. There are so many bad things about divorce that I see, but I'm in that space where I know it wont be my choice, but will have to go on reguardless. I might as well make the best of it.
That's right, and you start by stop saying how things are unfair........even if it is. When a man uses that language, it sounds weak. You may not have a choice about her leaving you or getting a D. But you have a choice about a schedule for keeping the kids. You have a choice about not staying with them so she can be free to run around. You have choices to end some the enabling. You had a choice about not taking her on your family vacation. See what I mean? Stop saying how it's all so unfair, and start making choices where you can. Let her deal with the reality of life without you. ((hugs))
You need to work on detachment. Your words about babysitting are not about your GAL, but about making sure she can't go out every night of the week. In other words, you are trying to control her. But you can't - you can only control yourself.
Your W is in a bad spot mentally, emotionally right now. You worrying about her blaming you for her unhappiness is working against you. You can't control that - you can only control yourself.
You see the theme that keeps coming up?
And let her feel the decision of getting rid of you instead of answering her calls, texts, going on "family outings" instead of trying to make her life easy.
Might have made another dumb life decision, but its over now. Had been planning a vacation with the kids since Jan. I kept telling myself that this would be the last family vacation for the kids ever. I did this for the kids 100%. I made sure they had fun. So I did agree to go camping. It was hard. Had a few arguments etc but nothing to major, as we had agreed to not discuss anything while camping. We mostly stuck to it. We also had arranged "alone" days where one of us would spend time with the kids by ourselves. It mostly worked. She was glued to her phone the entire time, texting her new "friends" the entire time.
My question to the LBH is that if it's 100% for the kids........why does it include the W? I mean, why couldn't the H have a vacation with just his kids.....if it's for their sake?
-Implied vs expressed consent. It was out of province, so if I had excluded her, taken the kids without signed letter, I can be charged with abduction. With her there consent is implied.
Well as we were driving back she starts by stating I need to watch the kids during the week since she wants to be out with her friends.
I explain I am not built in babysitting. I explain that I dont think the time allotment is close to equal. I say we need a parenting schedule. So I can GAL etc.
And where were the kids during this discussion?
-Asleep in the backseat.
This opened up a can of worms. We start discussing schedules, custody etc. All I want is some boundries on time.
What do you mean by boundaries on time?
- I dont want last min "events" sprung on me, where she goes out all night and I'm watching the kids all the time. Even when she files it will most likely be joint 50/50 time, which would mean LESS watching of the kids than currently. I'm currently watching them all day sat, sun, and sometimes 2,3,4 nights a week... I'd LOVE a true 50/50 split of time, I dont think she would be able to take it.
I suspect her EA partner/s want her out more. I cant fully DB if I'm at the house each night doing bedtime.
If you are staying in separate places, you should not be over at her house........period, except to pick up/deliver the kids. Certainly don't stay with them there, while she's out GAL. And, you don't need to be there at bedtime. Sorry, but that is the reality of S/D, and she needs a big taste of it.
- I wish it was separate. Same house. Took your advice, and took MBR. Shes on the couch downstairs.
Dont get me wrong, I love my time spent with the kids, but this seems unfair. To me its all cake eating. I'm starting to see a life divorced. Where I'm not in pain by seeing her constantly chasing other people. There are so many bad things about divorce that I see, but I'm in that space where I know it wont be my choice, but will have to go on reguardless. I might as well make the best of it.
That's right, and you start by stop saying how things are unfair........even if it is. When a man uses that language, it sounds weak. You may not have a choice about her leaving you or getting a D. But you have a choice about a schedule for keeping the kids. You have a choice about not staying with them so she can be free to run around. You have choices to end some the enabling. You had a choice about not taking her on your family vacation. See what I mean? Stop saying how it's all so unfair, and start making choices where you can. Let her deal with the reality of life without you. ((hugs))
-Thanks Sandi. I am saying some things are completely unfair. It has been for a while. I accept that I enabled it. I thought it was what a "good" H did to help his W work towards her dreams. Now she feels entitled to it. I am fine with 50/50. I do want to end the enabling.
-Had a fight tonight about a schedule. She had planned more events for this week. Mon, Tue, Wed... I said it needed to be equal. Got told I've been a sh!tty H, etc. How I've made her life hell etc... I know some of this is the WW syndrome. But I do feel I've not been the best H, so that one cut deep.
I appreciate the help. This might be too far gone to fix. She has a D mediator lined up... Just feeling a bit hopless, that I havent done enough 180 etc to matter, but it might never be enough...
Thanks.
You are trying to tell her she can't do what she wants. "You can't go out all those nights, what about the kids?" You're trying to control her and stop her from doing something. You're actually just pushing her further away by doing this but in your desperation you think she will come to her senses. She won't.
Let her be the crappy parent, you be the good parent.
Don't let her guilt trip you. You want to take all of the blame for the failure in your marriage, that way you can fix it. But it's not all your fault and you can't fix her.
You're pursuing and playing games. Be the husband, dad, and person you want to be. Find the strong, happy person inside of you and work on that. And if you stop trying to convince her that she can't do what she wants, then maybe she'll see this person and think that maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side.
As for the D mediator, how did you respond? Have you spoken to a lawyer about any of this? You need to, and you need to tell your W you will be talking to your lawyer whenever she brings up legal issues.
Oh and I notice your "boundaries" are about her, not about you. That makes them control, not boundaries. If she wants to be a bad parent, that shouldn't change your decision to be a good parent.
I'm ok with her being the "crappy" parent. I'm not looking to control her, I know I cant. Looking to work on me. To GAL, to exercise, to socialize and become a better person. I cant make some of that happen while doing child care.
I do use our workout machine/weights when the kids go to bed, but the finding a life part is tough.
We did eventually sit down and plan out the next couple of months, so thats progress I guess.
In dropping the rope, shes now having to fill the car, get groceries etc. She was out again late yesterday with what I sure is OM2... shes planning to go out late again tomorrow, with OM2 and their crowd. Its also our anniversary tomorrow. Gonna be tough. Trying to stay positive, but the deep down sadness is a bit overwhelming right now.
Thanks
A bit of journaling.
Was a rough day. It was our 10th anniversary today. She didnt say anything. Neither did I. I took the kids to my parents place for a belated birthday party for D4. W doesnt want to be around my family. Took the kids to Chucky Cheese. They had fun. I need to keep doing things that keep us happy, and going.
Its late and shes still not home. Found in a bag, new lingerie... most likely for OM2. Not sure if its become a PA yet, but I'm sure it wont be long... Both of the OM are married, with kids too... how can people live like this.
Just gotta keep going...
Cdn2A, that is so sad that your anniversary had to be spent like that. I can't even comprehend what your wife is doing especially as a mom. Buying lingerie for another man when she has a husband and kids at home?! It would be very tempting to call the OMs' wives to spoil the fun. I hope this ordeal passes quickly for you and your children. It's so unfair and more complicated with kids.
When I confronted her re: OM1 I drove her to his front door. Even there she said she had no idea what I was talking about. The lying is the hard part. I have no idea what shes thinking. I think, she thinks since she BD, now its ok for her to do so....
I'm waiting, if she does file, I'll need her to be in a non pissed off state, since my lawyer says I'd loose majorly on the money/house front. I've already pleged to myself I'm only going to keep quiet in the interm, if she R or till D. Other wise I'm going to make sure both OM1 & 2's wives know whats going on...
Thanks...
Update,
Working hard on detaching. Some of it is easier, trying not to really talk unless she starts. She doesnt say much. She does bring up divorce, and details, such as who might get what, etc. Pulled back, some things are very tough. I'm not prying, but my kids have mentioned they are going on "play dates" now, with 2 other kids. I suspect they are OM2's kids.
Like a knife being twisted in ya, hearing about that.
I know when/if she gets her own place, I cant control who she hangs out with, but dam, what a kick in the teeth.
I've tried some 180's.
I'm out GALing, trying to put my best foot forward, but the chances of R seem bleak...
Thanks
I'm not prying, but my kids have mentioned they are going on "play dates" now, with 2 other kids. I suspect they are OM2's kids.
First of all let me say this will be the hardest thing you will probably ever do aside from terminal illness. What you want to do is get to a place where your W and kids statements like this have little to no effect on you (detachment)> Easier said then done but like everyone here - it is a process and you are a work in progress. Stay strong. Stay Well!
Update,
Still working on things, there's almost no interaction between us now.
She is spending most of her time with OM2. She seems to have given
herself permision, that its ok now since shes asked for a divorce. Shes
not even really trying to hide anything anymore. Says she wants to move
out by september. She has no money to do so. In between, shes meeting
up with him at hotels.
My head wants to explode. I cant take the cheating... I'm so utterly terribly
heartbroken.
Still working on things, there's almost no interaction between us now.
How are you working on things? Are you getting out and doing fun and interesting new activities? Working out exercising? These are things you need to do in order to heal. No interactions right now is a good thing, it is the time and space that you need in order to focus on you and what you need.
My head wants to explode. I cant take the cheating... I'm so utterly terribly
heartbroken.
Sorry you are going through this, it is painful but you will slowly begin to realize that life will go on, you will have the choice to wallow in self pity or living life to the fullest. Many years ago I have seen people who were heart broken that their spouse left them only to move on and find life more fulfilling. This would include finding new love, someone who will love you for who you are.
Head up, chin up and show some inner strength.
I can totally relate to so much of your story. Please read my thread to know you are not alone. Ours are so similar it is quite scary. How can these women behave so badly especially with children involved? I am so angry right now I xctuslly think I do not want to DB any more. I am better off without and the children will know what’s shay in time.
Hang in there buddy, you are doing a fine job.
It all takes time cdn. I´m sorry where you are now. Go on with the GAL thing. It will help you to detach. Enjoy your time with your kids: get that positive energy. Keep DBing. You know that it is for you and only for you. Carpe diem.
Stay strong man
Yet another week behind us. I GAL'ing up to way more than I did in the past. She is too, but it all revolves around her new friends. We talk very little, and its all superficial. I walk every morning, she's currently looking for an apartment.
I know how it feels cdn, feels it is meaningless, that we are sailing parallelly to a destination unknown. Who knows may be our fate will cross our paths with our spouses again the future and we have another shot at a better MR? Keep strong
update,
Was my birthday today. She had the kids make me a card, and she got me a gift certificate. Seemed positive. I'm taking the kids camping for a couple of days. I suspect she'll move out while I'm away. I guess one way or the other we're moving forward. Does not feel like theres any progress. I keep praying for things to get better. I dont get how some people can switch their feelings off like this. Trying to stay strong.
well Happy birthday buddy!!, go have fun camping and get your mind off this mess. Keep praying.
I too cant figure out how a person can switch feelings like this. I hear you loud and clear. The WW is a totally different creature. Its like a major chemical imbalance that took over their whole demeanor. My sitch is the craziest thing I have or will ever experience. Just know that your friends around you and your friends here admire your strength.
Keep it up man!! Go have a happy birthday!!
BD for me was 4 days before my birthday, and 9 days before 10 year anniversary. Good times!
Update,
More drama. Came home and the wife had stripped the bed and put new sheets there. I felt sick. I asked her what was going on. We had a long discussion, and it turns out she had another man over. She claims nothing happened, but did admit to sleeping with someone else. In a weird way I almost felt relieved since it meant I wasnt going crazy. To me also being spiritual, it was also a bit of closure, knowing I've stayed true to our covenant. It doesnt help our kids or my heartache but it looks like divorce might be a done deal.
I'm just waiting patiently like the light house.
Yea I wouldn't believe what she is saying for one stinking second. She's lying, covering up, feels bad kinda, but obviously not that bad or else she wouldn't have done it.
What actions are you prepared to take in response? You need to address this or accept that she will continue to walk all over you because you are letting her do that.
You don't need to be rude or overly emotional, but you can't be there for her while she's doing this. You guys aren't smoking joking buddies anymore. She can't be in your bedroom. She has desecrated that place. Start moving on. You're clearly very attached to her, but you'd be better to be detached. Work on that. Sorry to hear all this too.
She is very wayward cdn. Keep DB and moving forward. Yes, you are the lighthouse.
No shes not in the bedroom, I went away with the kids for the weekend. Yes, still working on detaching, but 16years of being together, and kids, I am attached. Shes been looking at places, and I dont think there is any R from this. I'm the LBS, and just trying to deal with the overwhelming sadness and loss. I'll remain faithful to my vows till the divorce is finalized. I walk, I pray. But it might not be what the plan is for me. I wish there was a world where you could know that your closest friend wasnt capable of hurting you so profoundly. It cuts to the soul. One day at a time I guess, but some are harder than others. Thanks for the support.
Don't fight her or get upset when she brings up an aprtment she's looking at. Just listen and validate it, don't try to talk her out of it.
We all deal with pain in these situations, so remember you have support and to keep your chin up.
I'm the LBS, and just trying to deal with the overwhelming sadness and loss. I'll remain faithful to my vows till the divorce is finalized. I walk, I pray. But it might not be what the plan is for me. I wish there was a world where you could know that your closest friend wasnt capable of hurting you so profoundly. It cuts to the soul.
Now this is a part of your story I can certainly relate to. If you haven't read my sitch yet, my H had another woman (YOUNG woman...17 years junior) in my bed (of our brand new, first home together to boot) while I was on a business trip. He denied at first but eventually it did come out that they had sex in my bed, and literally it was just my bed as H had been sleeping on the couch already for quite some time.
And yet, I am in the same frame of mind as you, willing to stay committed until there's no other option left.
Someone mentioned earlier on your thread that this is one of the most painful things we could experience besides something like terminal illness. I don't think anyone should doubt or take that lightly. Compassion does not run out and thus there should not be a limit on when it is given, and for anyone who has not gone through something like this, it is truly unimaginable and the psychological pain is intense and real (fun fact: it actually is possible to die of a broken heart).
Ovrrnbw is right though...if nothing else, we have created a community here where at least we all can understand each others' pain. It doesn't make it easier when it's YOU, and you will go on your own journey, but I hope seeing others who are still here and surviving gives you hope at your lowest points.