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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2788170&page=115 more days of school left until summer break. Not sure if being at home with the kids and not having to be at work is going to make this journey easier or more difficult. All I know is that I am in a much better place mentally than I was a month ago. The first month after BD seemed like a year. The past month has flown by. I finally feel like I've reached a place where I've let go of W. She can run around with OM and do whatever she wants. It used to be on my mind constantly. When confronted, she would lie and deny. I finally gathered enough intel that gave me the truth. And once I did, I was able to let go. In my gut I always knew it was happening, but sometimes you just need proof. My focus this summer is to become the best version of me I can and focus on my happiness and the happiness of my kids...
My advice to any newbies is to listen to what you read here. At first I thought my sitch was different. It wasn't. I trusted my W when she said she wasnt cheating. She was. I was told not to pursue. I did. In the beginning everything is a blur, and we all want to fix things as quickly as we can. As cliche as it sounds around here, it is a marathon, not a sprint. BE PATIENT. I cannot stress this enough. Good luck to everyone on the board. We will all come out of this as better people. I truly believe that...
Stop using contractions and words like cliche (special e)so your posts will not disappear
Stop using contractions and words like cliche (special e)so your posts will not disappear
Thanks, Cadet. I've had a few disappearing post from using my phone, but I've never experienced an issue on a PC. This was the first time. Again, thank you for the tip and restoring the post...
Well I am getting better at restoring them using the quick quote command, but finding all the mistakes is a challenge for me.
Your response to me has a contraction that seemed to work fine.
I am still trying to figure it out.
Only 5 days left! You are so lucky! I have to suffer through 3 more weeks until my summer vacation! Enjoy the break. You deserve it!
Only 5 days left! You are so lucky! I have to suffer through 3 more weeks until my summer vacation! Enjoy the break. You deserve it!
Thanks. I'm looking forward to it. Since W left, I've had the kids full time with no help. It will be nice to get up in the morning and not have to rush around getting 3 kids ready for school and daycare. I've got a lot of things around the house that I need to get done too, so I'll finally have the time to take care of them. And don't forget about fun GAL activities with the kids. We plan on going to the zoo next weekend, the beach in a few weeks, and maybe even a little mini-vacation somewhere down the line. Park district baseball for S8 and softball for D9 just started too, so we'll have plenty of things to keep us busy...
As expected, I got a text from W. At the end of my last thread, I posted about my dad calling CEFS telling them that W was lying on her application for rental assistance. Apparently, they said something to her about it. The text basically said, "Whay are you messing with me? I know you hate me, but trying to get me kicked out of my place is a new low". First, I didn't do anything. Second, I had no idea my dad was going to do anything like that. So I don't see how it's my problem or why it concerns me. I don't plan onm responding to the text, because she's just looking for a fight, and I feel as though I don't need to explain anything to her regarding this situation. I'm sure she'll track me down eventually and want to make a big deal out of it though...
W just tried calling. I didn't answer. Today is one of those days I wish I didn't have to deal with this stuff. That she would just snap out of the waywardness. But we all know that's not gonna happen for a long time if ever. I'm so over everything "being my fault", because it's not. Time to go back and re-read the detachment threads...
Exact. Detach and patience. It is no easy but you must do that.
Stay strong.
Exact. Detach and patience. It is no easy but you must do that.
Stay strong.
Thanks. Some days are easier than others. That's for sure...
I was also wondering if I should respond to the text about her blaming me for CEFS questioning her about lying on her application. Part of me thinks I should just not respond and keep NC, and another part of me feels like I should respond because not responding will make her think that I was the one who turned her in. I'm leaning towards the no response, but any input or advice would be appreciated...
Thanks. Some days are easier than others. That's for sure...
I was also wondering if I should respond to the text about her blaming me for CEFS questioning her about lying on her application. Part of me thinks I should just not respond and keep NC, and another part of me feels like I should respond because not responding will make her think that I was the one who turned her in. I'm leaning towards the no response, but any input or advice would be appreciated...
I would simply tell her you didnt file the complaint and that she should call and ask CEFS office as to the specifics of the issue as you are unaware of to details. Let them tell her it wasnt you.
Depending on how she asked the question, a simple "No, I didn't do that" or just a "Nope" may suffice.
Thanks. Some days are easier than others. That's for sure...
I was also wondering if I should respond to the text about her blaming me for CEFS questioning her about lying on her application. Part of me thinks I should just not respond and keep NC, and another part of me feels like I should respond because not responding will make her think that I was the one who turned her in. I'm leaning towards the no response, but any input or advice would be appreciated...
I would simply tell her you didnt file the complaint and that she should call and ask CEFS office as to the specifics of the issue as you are unaware of to details. Let them tell her it wasnt you.
Depending on how she asked the question, a simple "No, I didn't do that" or just a "Nope" may suffice.
Yeah, I've decided I'm not going to bring it up at all. I won't respond to it in text, and if she asks over the phone or in person, I'm going to tell her I didn't file any complaint and to talk to CEFS if she's concerned about it and leave it at that...
I would simply tell her you didnt file the complaint and that she should call and ask CEFS office as to the specifics of the issue as you are unaware of to details. Let them tell her it wasnt you.
Depending on how she asked the question, a simple "No, I didn't do that" or just a "Nope" may suffice.
^^^Exactly what I was going to say.^^^ Just keep being the rock and respond to her rants and accusations with calm detachment. Sorry you're going through this, but just keep in mind this is all about her, not you.
Funny how i can GIVE sound advice, just cant seem to follow it. hahaha.
Funny how i can GIVE sound advice, just cant seem to follow it. hahaha.
I know this feeling all to well. Sometimes I can see the obvious thing to do in other peopl's situations, and when it comes to my own, there are times it's like I can't even tie my own shoes. Thta's why detachment is so important. It allows us to look at our sitches objectively....
OK and mtb, I can tell you this, talking to others about their sitch can start to help you see clearer in your own. It doesn't mean you will always say and do everything perfectly, but it does mean that as you read and post more in other people's threads you will see parallels that will help you become better and at dealing with your own.
W called again twice last night, and I didn't answer. Followed shortly by a text asking if I was going to keep ignoring her. I did not respond, because I've decided to only respond to texts pertaining to the kids. I know she's going to try to spin things around and say that she was trying to contact me about the kids, but I have explicitly told her on more than one occasion that if she needed to talk about the kids to send me a specific text about what she wanted to discuss and I would get back to her. Instead, I get random calls followed by texts like, "Seriously?", "Are you gonna keep ignoring me?", etc. The way I see it, if it were really about the kids, she would send something like, "When is D's ballgame tonight?" or "Can I pick up the kids tonight for ice cream?". I'm not falling for her tricks to keep me attached...
Side note, the kids have had several ballgames in the past 2 weeks and W has not made it to any of them. This is after specifically telling D she would be at 2 of them. I gave her the website that has the schedules for both of their teams, so she know how to access the information on locations and times, but I guess she has "more important" things to be doing. Typical selfish WW's, amirite? D has another game tonight, and I doubt she shows up to it either...
Also, another thing that has been bothering me a bit lately is the fact that the kids keep asking to go over to W's new place. She took them over there for a little bit on Mother's Day, and since then they have randomly asked if they could go over there. I understand that they miss her and want to see her, and I have no problem with that. What bothers me is that D9 told me that she wants to go live with W in her new house. Again, I understand that she misses her, but it kind of hurts. I've been the only one taking care of the kids for the past 4 months and W is barely around to see them for 15 minutes a week. It breaks my heart, but I get it too...
I get that man. My S3 has been really tough lately, very easily upset and obstinate. Whenever he gets upset he cries for "MAAAAMAAA" and t breaks my heart, i dont know if he just wants consolement from Mommy, or if he isnt actually seeing her enough or getting enough attention and love from her. I have no clue what his life is like when im not around it it awful.
This is ALWAYS tough on kids no matter the age. I just wrote in another thread earlier today that one thing that WASs and LBSs alike delude themselves about is that D has no or little impact on kids. That is just not facing reality in my opinion. D is ALWAYS rough on kids, no matter their age, even adults. MWD talked about this in her books, how the pain of her parents D even though she was an adult, is one of the things that drove her to become a DB advocate.
So this is normal mtb, and I know it has to hurt. But I would suggest, if her school has a counselor (many do) to get her to talk to the counselor. She may be having feelings she doesn't know how to deal with, which is why she has pangs of living with mommy.
But also pat yourself on the back, this means you've done a good job at shielding them from her ridiculous behavior.
I get that man. My S3 has been really tough lately, very easily upset and obstinate. Whenever he gets upset he cries for "MAAAAMAAA" and t breaks my heart, i dont know if he just wants consolement from Mommy, or if he isnt actually seeing her enough or getting enough attention and love from her. I have no clue what his life is like when im not around it it awful.
That has to $uck. I would have a hard time dealing with not knowing what kind of situation my kids were in if they weren't around. Mine are with me ALL the time. The longest amount of time they have spent with their mom in the past 4 months was 5 hours on Mother's Day. Otherwise she sees them in passing for 5-15 minutes once or twice a week if that. That's why I'm having such a hard time with it. I know they're too young to understand and that they miss her, but in my mind, I'm like,"I'm the only one that's been here for you lately! She doesn't want to have anything to do with you! Why do you want to live with her, when I've been the one that has taken care of you this whole time?" I know they miss her a lot and I wish she would spend more time with them, but it hurts nonetheless...
I'm also afraid that I'm going to become the "mean" parent. When they are with me, they have to follow rules, pick up after themselves, eat normal dinners, take baths & brush their teeth. All normal things that kids should do to learn to be normal, functioning adults. When they are with her, I'm afraid it's going to be all ice cream and fun time with no responsibility. I mean, what kid between the ages of 3 and 9 wouldn't choose candy for dinner in front of the TV instead of eating a well balanced meal at a table before having to bathe and brush their teeth?...
I'm also afraid that I'm going to become the "mean" parent. When they are with me, they have to follow rules, pick up after themselves, eat normal dinners, take baths & brush their teeth. All normal things that kids should do to learn to be normal, functioning adults. When they are with her, I'm afraid it's going to be all ice cream and fun time with no responsibility. I mean, what kid between the ages of 3 and 9 wouldn't choose candy for dinner in front of the TV instead of eating a well balanced meal at a table before having to bathe and brush their teeth?...
I worry about this too. Right now WW and OM are acting as the "Disney Parents". Taking him to all sorts of fun and cool activities i cannot afford.
Its all false though, they cant buy the love, or affection of the child. At the end of the day they will know the difference between purchased affection and real support and love. Another "Marathon not a sprint" Situation
Bear this in mind, by trying to buy their love, they are manipulating the pliable little minds of their own children, what kind of mother does that just to try and one up the person they once claimed to love, and devalue them in the eyes of their own children?
Phukk that noise MTB. We'll rise above that petty $hi7.
mtb- I feel where you are coming from with the kids.As you already know from my stich my S15 is soo hurting because his mom packed up and left today. He said he's too broken to go to school. I think we as dads need to try and facilitate a relationship because at some point in life they will need their mom for something. I feel there will be pretty big hole there from the abandonment issue. I just hope they can all heal from this properly. Blessings my friend!
mtb- I feel where you are coming from with the kids.As you already know from my stich my S15 is soo hurting because his mom packed up and left today. He said he's too broken to go to school. I think we as dads need to try and facilitate a relationship because at some point in life they will need their mom for something. I feel there will be pretty big hole there from the abandonment issue. I just hope they can all heal from this properly. Blessings my friend!
I agree with the hole from the abandonment issue. Weird thing is, my wife has always complained about how her mom was never around when she was growing up and it has caused her a lot of issues. MIL got a job at a bar when W was about 9 or 10 and left her and her brother at home with stepdad number one for days at a time. She still hasn't forgiven her mother for doing this. Now she's doing the same thing to her own kids. It blows my mind...
WTF!!! It just keeps getting weirder and weirder. W called and said she wanted to come by and see the kids for a bit and I told her that was fine. When she got here, she asked if I was at her house on Sunday night. I told her no. She said that someone came into her house and took a video on her phone of her sleeping with the caption "She always did like to sleep with her head covered. Too bad her protector isn't here to save her," and sent it to OM. She thinks it was me. She called the cops the next morning to file a complaint and told them she thought it might have been me. When they asked if she wanted them to come talk to me, she told them no. I was at home with the kids. Keep in mind this happened at 3:30 in the morning. I had to be up for work in a few hours, and besides that, how stupid would I have to be to break into her house and take a video of her while leaving the kids at home by themselves chancing to get arrested. She also claimed that she heard I had the cops called on me at the workplace of OM. I quit going there onve I figured outthey were hooking up. I have 2 theories of what happened.
1) OM went in and made the video and sent it to himself to try to make me look bad. She claims that it wasn't him because he had a girl over at his house that night (she still denies having a relationship with him) and that something "he wouldn't just do". The caption to the video was similar to the texts he sent me a couple weeks ago accusing me of be abusive to her. The only thing I responded to hin was that she was his problem now...
2) She took the video herself and sent it to him trying to make me look bad in the eyes of the law by calling them the next morning and saying it was me. I asked her if she had the video and she said no, she only had a screenshot of the caption. The screenshot of the video was all black with just the caption. OM was the one that sent her the screenshot. They could be in cahoots to try to male me out to be crazy.
I told her it had to be one of her "friends" because anyone I hang out with wouldn't even think of doing something like that. She claims her house was locked and her phone is password protected (I don't even know the password) And it has to be someone that's trying to stir $hit between her and me. When I offered both of the above options to her, she stuck up for OM and said that he wouldn't do that because he has nothing to gain becvause they're "just friends" and why would he want to scare her into wanting to stay at his house to fell safe. (Well, duh?!?!?!) When I brought up the other option I told her, "Well, I sure hope this isn't true, but you could have taken the video to try to make me look bad and have a reason to call the cops and have my name on record as being a possibility". When I said that, she got really defensive and said she wasn't that crazy. Seemed offended that I would even think of that as a possibility. With that, she decided it was time for her to leave.
I'm thinking this might be they're way of retaliating for my dad calling CEFS. Which she didn't even bring up at all. I thought for sure she would want to confront me about that, but it wasn't even mentioned.
And to top it off, as she was leaving, she stopped, turned around and asked me ,"Do you think you could give me $30 for gas money?".... Uh, no...
But wait!... There's more!...
I just talked to my friend that is the head chef at the brewery OM works at and asked him if he knew anything about the cops being called there about me. He said no, but the brewmaster is friends with a local cop that said the cops have been called the past 2 nights about a guy fitting my description trying to break into W's house. I have a strong feeling there is a smear campaign going on trying to make me look bad...
Shortly after I got off the phone with him, W called. She wanted me to sign over the lease to the van. I told her I wasn't going to do that. She could wait until we go to court. I also asked her about the calls about someone trying to break in her house. She said the neighbors called the cops and the cops called her. I asked her why she didn't mention it earlier. She said she didn't know. It seems fishy to me. Accuses me of breaking in and videoing her on Sunday, but doesn't mention the 2 calls on Tuesday and Wednesday? This is messed up. She's trying to make me look bad for some reason. I'm meeting with my lawyer and the city cops tomorrow to figure out what i can do to take care of this situation...
Wow.....that is crazy. However, these two idiots will make a mistake and give themselves away. No way are they smart enough to pull something like this off. All I can say is to make sure you do not give them any ammo! You need to be exemplary in your words and deeds. I'd put nothing past them, including trying to set you up for domestic abuse.
On my way to meet with L and file for D. This has become ridiculous. Time to move on...
Careful you may be set up. OK, seen this before, keep a detailed track of your whereabouts, also use your phone, it leaves a trail of your location.
If you are home make a call to a friend every two or three hours using a landline which keeps a log of calls in and out ask them to ring you back. Park your vehicle in a visible location and buy petrol close to your home.
V
Careful you may be set up. OK, seen this before, keep a detailed track of your whereabouts, also use your phone, it leaves a trail of your location.
If you are home make a call to a friend every two or three hours using a landline which keeps a log of calls in and out ask them to ring you back. Park your vehicle in a visible location and buy petrol close to your home.
V
Thank you for the advice. That was one of my main concerns. Being at home with the kids all the time makes it hard to have an alibi. I'm home with them by myself, so there is really no one to validate my whereabouts. Especially at 2 and 3 in the morning when these things are supposedly happening. I'm asleep! As fasr as having a landline, I don't have one, so unfortunately that is not an option. But I will be using my cellphone periodically to have a record of where I've been...
On my way to meet with L and file for D. This has become ridiculous. Time to move on...
Yea id Agree MTB, youve put up with enough. When the WW starts accusing you of crimes its time to cut the ties and move on. Shes trying to destroy your life, i know the fun that can cause, GTFO before she can land any charges on you.
Protect yourself and get yourself situation to prove your innocence beyond a doubt. I wish I had done that, paying for it now.
The D process is its own monster, but if you file first at least youll be holding the steering wheel.
I'd put nothing past them, including trying to set you up for domestic abuse.
I thought about this as well. Last night when she came over, the first thing I did was get my phone out and started recording video. Last thing I want is her coming by here, leaving, hitting herself or him hitting her, and trying to accuse me of domestic violence...
Also, it's crazy how my mindset has changed. This time yesterday, I was seriously thinking about waiting this whole thing out. Hoping W was just in a rough spot and come through. Now I realize that's not going to happen. I feel like I can put up with a lot, but false accusations and law involvement are just too much...
mtb -stay calm remain the calm parent.
On my way to meet with L and file for D. This has become ridiculous. Time to move on...
Man well this whole thing is just so crazy. It does sound like W and OM are trying to set you up. Pursuing D may be your best option to get off this crazy train and protect yourself and your kids. Maybe some day she'll come to her senses but that is going to be a long ways off and you can go through all kinds of hell in the meantime.
If they are, indeed, using their own devices to "set you up," Those records will show up in any decent investigation. If she is making these claims to LE and they haven't visited w/you about it yet, there's a good chance they know these things, already.
any of those actions are leaving a digital footprint and are fairly easy to trace for investigators.
Visiting w/ a L and LEOs at the same time to get a plan together is a very good and necessary step.
This sounds like a plan of people dealing with substance issues, most likely a stimulant (i.e. Meth. cocaine, etc.). They've only thought this through half-way, and aren't realizing that they will be leaving a substantial "trail of breadcrumbs" in any investigation.
There's a really good chance that they could end up in some pretty serious hot water over these actions.
Be there for your kids and start forgetting this craziness! Don't get pulled into the drama.
Talked to my L today and filled him in on the situation. He advised me not to talk to the police because they have not contacted me about any of this. These are only allegations because they have no evidence.He said it would be best to just forget about it until it became an issue. I also decided to go ahead and file for D. I want to be done with this craziness. He said once the paperwork gets submitted, it would come with a temporary injuction for posession of the house and she wouldn't be able to come by anymore...
Also, she stopped by again a few minutes ago. Rang the doorbell, but everyone including me was in bed, so I didn't answer the door. She then sent a text saying she was going to call and it was really important. I answered when she called. She asked what I was doing. I told her I was sleeping. Then she asked me if I would give her ten dollars so she could get gas to go to work tonight. A friend of hers supposedly got her a job at a bar in a neighboring town. I told her no. Seemed odd that she would be going to work at 10:30 at night when the bar closes at 1:00. By the time she got gas and made it there, it would have been 11:00. So I'm not sure if I believe her. She told me she would pay me back tomorrow, but I still told her no. She was very calm, which is unusual in cases like this, and said "fine" and ended the convo. A few minutes later, she called back and asked if she could come in and get a few DVDs because she doesn't have cable and since she wasn't going to work, she wanted something to watch. I told her no, that I was in bed. Then she tried telling me I wasn't and said she felt the hood of my car and it was warm, so I must have just got home. I told her I had been home for awhile and that I was in bed and I wasn't going to let her in. Then I could tell she was starting to get mad. She told me she would be by tomorrow to "get her stuff". All of her things have already been moved out. She's broke and looking for money. If I had to bet, she wanted the DVDs to sell for some cash. The same with "her stuff". She's wanting to come by tomorrow and get anything that she thinks she can sell...
Her desperation is what makes her so dangerous. She is like a cornered animal right now. Keep your guard way up. She could try anything. Didnt you say she had an enabling uncle? Or was that another sitch? If so, had he finally cut her off?
Her desperation is what makes her so dangerous. She is like a cornered animal right now. Keep your guard way up. She could try anything. Didnt you say she had an enabling uncle? Or was that another sitch? If so, had he finally cut her off?
Yeah, her uncle is always bailing her out of some situation. I think he's getting to the point where he's getting tired of it. He has beenmade aware of W's drug problem by several people. Last weekend he bought bunk beds for the boys, and probably gave her some cash too. He lives 2 hours away, so her access to him is limited, unless she drives there (which she has many times in the past just to get money). W made comment a few days ago that she's tired of having to get money from her family to get by. I'm sure they're tired of it too. Uncle Enabler told a mutual friend that W was going to have to hit rock bottom before she got her $hit together. That she's 30 years old and should be able to take care of herself. But he can't seem to understand that he's half the problem. Anytime she get close to hitting the bottom, he swoops in and throws money at her...
MTB
The G behaved in this way, his addiction is gambling, he also smokes drinks and womaniser. So he needs cash.
His recent tactic is to sue me for various things.
I made sure he could not get into the house and so he tried the grounds.
I also recorded. I know it's tough but 'no' is your best answer.
Ceasing to enable is also one of the most loving things you can do.
In the UK you can add a landline to cable or fibre for almost no cost. Please think about it.
V
MTB, any updates? this seems an unusually long time for you not to post about some crazy new things WW has done.
I hope all is well and your weekend was good.
mtb, read your comment in another thread about your W's health issues. That really started to make sense about her current drug issues. You have put up with a lot more than most of us would have, it shows the deep love you have for her. The problem is that unconditional love is fine, but putting up with any conditions is not required. You can love her from afar, hoping she will eventually wake up without having to deal with her drama nor exposing your kids to it.
But I agree with OK, are there any updates?
MTB, any updates? this seems an unusually long time for you not to post about some crazy new things WW has done.
I hope all is well and your weekend was good.
Things have been pretty quiet since Thursday when I found out about the calls to the police and her accusing me of braking into her house and recording her. Friday was when she stopped by the house and then called and asked me for 10 bucks. This weekend, my oldest son was staying with me. He's 15 and old enough to watch the younger ones, so after I put the little ones in bed, I made it out of the house for a little bit while he played video games and kept an eye on things at home. I decided to go to a local bar for a few drinks. It happens to be the bar W got fired from. I used to like going there before all this happened and hadn't been there in a while. Now that W is no longer affiliated with it, I felt comfortable stopping in. I was there for about 15 minutes, and started getting calls from W that I did not answer. I have a feeling she knew I was there. I saw one of OM's friends as I was walking in. I think he may have called her and told her I was there. Or it could have just been a coincidence that she called. Either way, I decided to leave in case she decided to come up there. Went to a friend's house and spun some records for a couple hours and then headed home. Yesterday there was no contact. I took the kids fishing this weekend, and they all had a good time...
I'm kind of surprised W didn't show up to the house Sat or Sun. She made comments both Thurs and Fri that she was coming to get stuff from the house the next day. She has all of her stuff, now she's trying to take marital property. She wants all the decorations from the house, all the DVDs, and a deep freezer. I couldn't care less about the DVDs and decorations, but I actually use the freezer. She wouldn't use it, but claims it's hers because her mother bought it for us a few years ago. I'm assuming she wants to try to sell it. Same with the DVDs and decorations. She's desperate for money and selling/pawning things seems to be her thing. She stole some 1 ounce silver coins from me about a month ago, and I heard through the grapevine that she's been trying to sell them to a few people in town. They wouldn't buy them because they said the whole thing seemed shady and they thought they might have been stolen...
Hopefully, she's getting the hint that I'm not going to enable her by giving her money and she stops coming over. I'm to the point that every time my phone rings or someone rings my door bell I get a pit in my stomach because I don't want to deal with anymore of her drama. I told her to text me in advance if she wants to come by to see the kids or get something, but she usually just shows up. It's kind of funny that this all started because she wanted space, and now I'm the one that wants the space...
mtb, just continue to record all interactions with her. Not sure what lawas are in Illinois about wiretapping, but ask your L if you have to disclose that she is being recorded.
mtb, just continue to record all interactions with her. Not sure what lawas are in Illinois about wiretapping, but ask your L if you have to disclose that she is being recorded.
I haven't been recording call. I only recently started taking videos on my phone when she shows up at the house. My reason for doing this is to have some sort of proof that I'm not doing anything wrong in case she falsely accuses me of something. She had made a comment to people that I got physical with her one time when she stopped by, when it was actually the other way around. I was standing in the doorway and she shoved and pushed her way through when I wouldn't move. So now, I just start recording and hold the phone in my hand, so there will be some record of me not doing anything in case she tries to say I did...
Yep, that is what I meant. Might want to start recording phonecall too though. Plenty of apps out there to do that.
Starting to have doubts and wondering if filing for D was the right thing to do. Called the L last Friday, paid the retainer, and told him to start the process. D is something I never wanted, and I'm afraid I may have jumped the gun and acted on emotions after all the crap that happened Thursday night with the false accusations. On one hand, I'm tired of dealing with the drama. W right now is someone I do not want to be with. On the other hand, sometimes I think this is something she might pull through. Just a difficult time in her life and maybe I should just wait it out. I take my M very seriously. When I said my vows, I meant them. W has never once said she wanted a D. It has always been she wanted a separation. Several times throughout all of this, she has made comments that she wants to work on things, yet her actions are the complete opposite. At the same time, I feel like a fool when W is running around doing inappropriate things and acting like an idiot...
I'm torn. Part of me thinks she's just playing nice and buying time to get her ducks in a row and find a lawyer. Appeasing me by saying she wants to work on things when she really doesn't. Yet, she has not pushed for D at all, or said that's what she wants. Maybe half-heartedly said it during an argument, but it never really had any weight behind it. I'm seriously thinking about calling the law office and just telling them to hold off...
mtb, this is completely up to you. There is no right or wrong here. As I've stated, from my perspective, the on thing that justifies D in my mind is a PA. There is no doubt in my mind that she has crossed that bridge.
It is your MR. If you are not ready to give up on it despite her infidelity, no one can tell you otherwise. However, no one would criticize you for saying enough is enough. The ball is in your court, I think you are justified in whatever you decide to do.
I just got off the phone with the L and told him to hold off for now. I have 2 main reasons for this...
1) I really do want to save my M. Despite all the craziness, there is always a chance she can snap out of this. Reading the different stories on this forum, I've realized spouses can do some weird stuff. Especially when MLC are involved. Is that what she's dealing with? I don't know, but I do know that turning 30 and her feeling like she missed out on her youth was a big part of all this. Like I mentioned earlier, I take M very seriously. And if I temporarily went off the deep end, I would hope that my W would be there for me if I came out of it and was remorseful.
2) As petty as this may sound, I don't want to give her any money. It wouldn't be for child support, because I'm almost positive the kids would end up staying with me due to her absence and complete lack of interaction with them. But the laws changed here a couple years ago, and spousal support or maintenance has become the default in most cases. W was a stay at home mom for years, so I would most likely have to make monthly support payments to her. As of now, I'm not giving her anything. She has all her stuff out of the house. She still wants a shelf, a freezer, and some miscellaneous dishes and DVDs. She can have it. I don't care. I believe once she has those things, she'll be out of my hair (hopefully). But right now, she is broke and the reality of having to take care of herself is slowly setting in. I don't want to have to give her money to make this any easier for her. On top of that, she is an addict and the last thing she needs is more "free" money. If she has any chance of getting better, she's going to have to hit the bottom and hit it hard. Getting monthly payments from me is only going to hinder that process...
D is something I never wanted, and I'm afraid I may have jumped the gun and acted on emotions after all the crap that happened Thursday night with the false accusations. On one hand, I'm tired of dealing with the drama. W right now is someone I do not want to be with. On the other hand, sometimes I think this is something she might pull through.
I can't imagine she is going to snap out of this. There seems to be a pattern of drug abuse and maybe mental illness there, and she's not addressing it and has no desire to address it. Obviously the purpose of these forums is to help people bust their divorces, but yours is one of very, very few cases I've encountered in my time here where it seems like D is the best and maybe only way to protect yourself. Maybe she'll hit rock bottom in the future and get her act together, and if she does you can always reconcile then and maybe even get remarried. But until then I think you're doing what is best for you and the kids as far as keeping her at arm's length and refusing to let her into the house and give her money and such.
Several times throughout all of this, she has made comments that she wants to work on things, yet her actions are the complete opposite.
WAS's will often dangle the carrot of hope out there in order to blackmail the LBS into giving them something they want. I wouldn't interpret that as her genuinely being interested in reconciling.
Part of me thinks she's just playing nice and buying time to get her ducks in a row and find a lawyer.
You think she's playing nice right now? Ummmm.....
You think she's playing nice right now? Ummmm.....
Hahaha... No, I get what you're saying. In the past week, she has been far from playing nice. I was referring to her not pushing for D, and acting like she wants to R. Just trying to keep the wool over my eyes to buy time. I know she was trying to get help through CEFS that directed her to a group that gives free legal services in civil cases to low income eligible people. And from what I hear, the waiting list is quite long...
I guess what I'm getting at is sometimes I feel like Lenny looking across the field, and she's George telling me that I get to tend to the rabbits while holding the gun to the back of my head...
And thank you for your response, AS. These are things I need to hear. They are things I already know, but sometimes when you start to doubt your thoughts, it helps to be reminded. L is actually on vacation right now. It was his assistant I spoke with. I set up a meeting with him next week when he gets back. They have the paperwork drafted, he just needs to look it over when he gets back. I will most likely tell him to go ahead and submit them then. I have a few questions I want to clear up with him before I pull the trigger. This is a huge decision, and I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing...
Honey
I am going to say my thoughts straight up, your M is dead, your WW is a non functioning addict. She steals from you, cheats on you, threatens and lies about you. You take care of the kids whom you love so much, contact with WW is going to be damaging.
Have you heard the expression, cut your losses?
Well cut your losses.
Cease enabling, let WW hit rock bottom. Then decide on an action. Delaying this will delay that. Letting her go will make that sooner and is more loving.
Those are my thoughts
V
Honey
I am going to say my thoughts straight up, your M is dead, your WW is a non functioning addict. She steals from you, cheats on you, threatens and lies about you. You take care of the kids whom you love so much, contact with WW is going to be damaging.
Have you heard the expression, cut your losses?
Well cut your losses.
Cease enabling, let WW hit rock bottom. Then decide on an action. Delaying this will delay that. Letting her go will make that sooner and is more loving.
Those are my thoughts
V
2nd
From the movie Cool Hand Luke: "Some folks you just can't reach." Your W might be one of them, sadly.
Thanks, V...
I stopped all my enabling behavior a while ago. So that's no longer an issue. And you're right. She does lie, cheat, and steal. I know I need to cut my losses, and I feel like I already have. I haven't initiated contact with her for quite awhile, nor do I answer the phone when she calls 95% of the time. I don't respond to any texts unless it has to do with the kids. I have no intention of letting her come back. It's the reality of actually filing for D that is hitting me hard. I wish I didn't have to, but I know that's probably what's best for me and the kids...
On a side note, today is my last day of school, so I have the next few months off. W just sent a text saying, "Hope today was/is a good last day". It's crazy how last Thursday when she left my house I was the most worthless pieces of crap in her mind and she called me every name you could think of. Then Friday called me asking for money acting all needy. To today hoping I'm having a good day. The girl is an emotional rollercoaster. Needless to say, I did not respond to her text...
Woke up to a missed call from W at 1:15 AM. Hard telling what she would have wanted at that hour...
Be strong mtb. It is no easy where you stand now. Be strong.
W just showed up randomly at the house. Wanted to talk and asked me if I was the one that called CEFS. I told her no and to ask them. She said she did, but they wouldn't tell her. They also told her she was going to have to move and they weren't giving her any more aid. She said she was going to have to move into the public housing apartments. She was being extremely nice, asked how my last day at school was, how I was doing, etc. Came inside to see the kids for a bit and fell asleep in the chair after about 10 minutes. I made the kids lunch and told them it was time to eat and she woke up. Asked if she could have something to eat, and I obliged. Then she started looking through all the food cabinets and started filling up some bags. It didn't bother me though because it was all stuff that she had bought months ago and I was never going to use. Went through the freezer, and I guess she didn't find anything she wanted in there. Took some of the decorations and candles. Again, I just let her because I didn't want any of that stuff anyway. Before she left, she asked if I would go outside with her while she smoked. I went out with her and she kept trying to make small talk with me. I jept my responses short. She asked what was wrong, and I told her nothing, that I was just tired. Said she was going to leave and just sat there like I was supposed to say something. I said OK and she still sat there. After a long silence, she started to try with the small talk again. Same thing happened. I kept my answers short and she finally said she was going to leave. She asked if I would answer when she called, and I told her to just text me. This time she actually did...
I don't know if she was wanting me to tell her she could move back in or what. But that's the last thing on my mind. At one point she asked me if I had filed for D.I told her not yet. I plan on it when the L gets back from vacation (this I did not tell her, not sure if I should have or not)...
Wow. I am surprised they cut her off so fast. I also thought some states instituted mandatory drug testing for state assistance. Not sure if Illinois is one or not.
Sounds like her rock bottom is close. She is getting more and more desperate. I think when she is desperate enough she will beg to come back home. mtb I would suggest being prepared to handle that when it occurs.
Cards, chest, close any order.
V
A couple things I forgot to mention in my earlier post...
W asked why I didn't respond to her text yesterday when she said she hoped I was having a good day. I told her I just didn't. She asked if someone else would have sent me the same text if I would have responded. I told her I wouldn't have, which is the truth...
W asked if I was awake last night when she called. I wasn't. She said she couldn't sleep and was driving around and noticed that the garage door was opened, so she assumed I was awake. Not sure what that's all about...
W asked about a mutual friend of ours (or used to be mutual, he doesn't talk to W anymore bc he doesn't agree with her current behavior). I told her I talk to him regularly. She noticed he quit conversing with her and sent a text saying, "I guess we aren't friends anymore?" She said he never responded...
The recurring theme here is that she thinks everyone needs to get back to her about anything and everything. If they don't, she gets mad. I guess it's a control issue on her part combined with her need for attention. If she doesn't get the attention she craves and has no control over getting it, she gets pissy...
By feeding and interacting, letting her come back and remove things that's enabling.
It's a minimal life support but it is keeping WW from rock bottom and making that rock bottom a further depth.
V
By feeding and interacting, letting her come back and remove things that's enabling.
It's a minimal life support but it is keeping WW from rock bottom and making that rock bottom a further depth.
V
I get what you're saying, and I would have rather been gone today and avoided the whole situation...
I'm not sure there's much I can do right now. She's legally still allowed to be at the house because it's the marital home. Until the paperwork goes through in a couple of weeks, I can't keep her out. The police she has brought over several times have said the same. I'm also not legally allowed to keep the children away from her either. She still has full parental rights until a court decides otherwise. Until we file the paperwork, I feel as though my hands are tied. I didn't want to cause a scene in front of the kids by not letting her in. We were all outside when she showed up, so the option of just not answering the door wasn't there. She wanted to see the kids for a bit, and they've all been asking to see her a lot the past couple days. I didn't want to deny them seeing their mom for what little tinme she does decide to show up. I also don't want things to be held against me when we do go to court. She'll twist things around and say that she's been trying to see the kids, but I won't let her. I'm afraid that would make me look bad. I think I'm better off allowing her in to see them once a week for the 20 minutes she shows up and keep documenting her absence in their day to day lives and extracurricular activities. I want the court to see that she's not around by her own choice, not that I keep them from her...
As far as taking the food and decorations, it was all stuff I didn't want anyway and I didn't see it as being necessary to get into a fight in front of the kids over stuff I don't want. It's not like she's starving either. She gets more benefits in food stamps than she can spend anyway. The expired jar of organic almond butter was just taking up space. I know I probably just should have told her no, but it didn't seem worth it to me at the time to have a yelling match over junk in front of the kids...
Can't wait to have official possession of the house, then I won't have to deal with this because she won't have any legal rights to be here. Then I can just tell her to leave. That if she wants to see the kids, send me a text and set up a time, and she can pick them up...
When dealing with an addict, you always have to expect the unexpected. Very well could have been she was hoping you'd say she could stay there. But remember, desperation <> reconciling. Likely she'd be looking for Plan A.
Likely she'd be looking for Plan A.
What do you mean by this, Steve?...
I understand you have a deadline point where it ends. As it should.
Soon I trust?
If you have to pay her out then no doubt that cash will be used to dig a deep hole beneath rock bottom to crawl into.
V
Likely she'd be looking for Plan A.
What do you mean by this, Steve?...
I mean for right now you are Plan B. She can't afford the apartment. OM isn't letting her live there. Even crazy enabling uncle has limits to the financial help he'll provide. SO she comes slinking back not because she wants to but because she has no where else to go. So while she is there she has one foot out the door looking for someone else to be her Plan A. Someone else that will enable her to be out of your house and back to her WW ways. Someone that will financially support her that isn't mtb.
So while the temptation to let her come back might be strong, it doesn't mean that she is "back", only that she needs to bide her time.
So while the temptation to let her come back might be strong, it doesn't mean that she is "back", only that she needs to bide her time.
Yeah, I was fooled into this back in March when she came back to "work on things". Signed her lease the day before, "Just in vase things didn't work out". Spent the next few weeks cleaning and furnishing the place and then bailed. During her few weeks here, she was never really here. She never even tried to work on things. When I told her this as she left, her response was, "I tried to try" Tried to try? Give me a break. You either try or you don't. I'm not gonna fall for that again...
her response was, "I tried to try" Tried to try? Give me a break. You either try or you don't. I'm not gonna fall for that again...
"Do or Do not. there is no try."
~The Venerable Master Yoda.
OH boy, the old I wanted to want to try. Typical WW wording. Heard that from my W after both of her EAs. It is like it is an excuse to NOT try.
They know saying "I want to try" put the onus on them to try. But by extracting it one level further, then they can either justify doing nothing, or justify having done nothing.
W just sent me text...
W: Any plans tonight?
Me: Nothing set in stone Why?
W: was gonna see if I could swing by and talk to you?
Me: About what?
This should be interesting. The only reason I replied to the original text was because I thought she might want to do something with the kids. If I knew she just wanted to talk to me, I wouldn't have responded. Hard telling where this is going to go. I can't see it being anything good. Her wanting to take more stuff from the house or asking for money. Or faking another attempt at R so she has some place to stay when she leaves her apartment. That would be my guess...
She just texted back saying she wanted to talk about the kids and grabbing more stuff. She also wants to borrow $100. Siad her gas bill is due and needs money for gas to get to her mom's this weekend to get new tires on the van. She says she didn't want to ask me, but doesn't know what else to do...
There's no way I'm giving her any money. And I really don't want to have the same worn out conversation about the kids and her taking more things from the house. Any advice?...
Keep frosty MTB. Good Luck. ill be looking for your update.
She just texted back saying she wanted to talk about the kids and grabbing more stuff. She also wants to borrow $100. Siad her gas bill is due and needs money for gas to get to her mom's this weekend to get new tires on the van. She says she didn't want to ask me, but doesn't know what else to do...
There's no way I'm giving her any money. And I really don't want to have the same worn out conversation about the kids and her taking more things from the house. Any advice?...
Tell her what about the kids? We can discuss that on the phone.
Tell her what about the kids? We can discuss that on the phone.
Exactly. I don't know why she wants to see me in person. Perhaps she thinks she'll do a better job of convincing me to give her money face to face? I don't know. I would assume she thinks that if she can come over to talk, she'll also have the opportunity to take more stuff from the house. It could be that she's baiting me into asking her to R and come home. She's realizing she has no control over me, and I think it's driving her nuts. For me to bring up R would give her the peace of mind that she still has me as plan B, and that ain't happening...
Not sure if I should respond to the text at all or not. Would no response be considered being passive aggressive?...
Hmmm, good call. I'd like someone else to weigh in here. I think you are right though. Maybe take the kids to the park, and to get ice-cream and "forget" your phone at home? Then text her later and say you all had stepped out and just got home. Then say you are tired and going to bed.
I meant good call and you are right about her wanting to see if she can get control back, and get the money, and possibly take more stuff from the house.
Yeah, I decided to take the kids to the park for a bit. Then we have to pick up the oldest from soccer practice and will probably swing by a friend's house for a cook out after that. I just don't want to be here for the inevitable stop by...
Can you please help me? I wouldnt ask if I had anyone else to ask. Im sorry...
This is what she just sent now. Can she be serious? Not my job anymore since she left me. How do I respond to this?...
I never responded, so I just got a text saying, Thanks for ignoring me and leaving the house... Followed by I really wish you could stop being this way. Just when I feel like were getting to a good place you act like this. No this is not me being pissy, just hurt and letting you know how I feel.
MTB,
You are helping her by not enabling her. One of the highest form of love is not intervening when a love one is on the way down. She has to crash. And from my view she is headed down fast. Stay steady.
I'm very impressed by your strength.
You are an amazing father and husband.
^^^^what joejoe said. All day.
Her rock bottom is very near. Don't catch her.
Also got the following,
Thanks for leaving the house and ignoring me
I really wish you could stop being this way. Just when I feel like were getting to a good place you act like this. No this is not me being pissy, just hurt and letting you know how I feel.
I will be by the house to get my stuff regardless of whether you are there or not
Sarcasm into guilt trip topped with angry threat...
Still have not responded and do not know if I should. She got in once and stole an extra key last time I changed the locks. I do not think she realizes I changed then again...
What stuff? I thought she got all her stuff? Also she's just mad she couldn't beg you into giving her money.
She does have all her stuff. She wants a table and chairs from the basement that she cannot even fit into the van and some dvds. I can almost guarantee you she is just at looking for stuff she can pawn or sell to friends for a quick buck. And you are right. She is just mad I would not give her any money...
MTB,
"Just when I feel like were getting
to a good place". Really! Wow! her fantasy is real. She's going all in with that comment. Her options are low, and her desperation is shining through like a flashlight through a sheet.
Exactly, joejoe... She's trying to bait me with that comment. She was over here the other day beinag all nice and I was cordial. Now she's dangling the possibility of a chance at R over my head and trying to convince me that I am ruining it by not giving her what she wants. I'm not gonna fall for it.
Expect more frustration venom too. A frustrated addict is a site to behold. Rock bottom will come sooner and cause less damage.
This is the last time I will say this but please no further donations to the cause, it's not because it's not something you want but because it's something she needs to fund her addiction.
Fine if it's her stuff of course.
V
Can you please help me? I wouldnt ask if I had anyone else to ask. Im sorry...
This is what she just sent now. Can she be serious? Not my job anymore since she left me. How do I respond to this?...
Sorry I missed this. But it will happen again ok?
This is why.....
You wrote:
I just got off the phone with the L and told him to hold off for now. I have 2 main reasons for this...
So my thinking is your actions have encouraged this.
V
This is the last time I will say this but please no further donations to the cause, it's not because it's not something you want but because it's something she needs to fund her addiction.
Fine if it's her stuff of course.
V
You are absolutely right. I don't plan on letting her take anything else...
Can you please help me? I wouldnt ask if I had anyone else to ask. Im sorry...
This is what she just sent now. Can she be serious? Not my job anymore since she left me. How do I respond to this?...
Sorry I missed this. But it will happen again ok?
This is why.....
You wrote:
I just got off the phone with the L and told him to hold off for now. I have 2 main reasons for this...
So my thinking is your actions have encouraged this.
V
I had a moment of weakness earlier this week. L is on vacation until the 28th and won't be able to review the paperwork until he gets back. Me telling him to hold off essentially had no effect. The paperwork has all been drafted. It's just waiting for him to get back to go over it. I'm going forward with it all. W has no info on any of this. She still doesn't know that I filed...
Can you please help me? I wouldnt ask if I had anyone else to ask. Im sorry...
This is what she just sent now. Can she be serious? Not my job anymore since she left me. How do I respond to this?...
Sorry I missed this. But it will happen again ok?
This is why.....
You wrote:
I just got off the phone with the L and told him to hold off for now. I have 2 main reasons for this...
So my thinking is your actions have encouraged this.
V
I had a moment of weakness earlier this week. L is on vacation until the 28th and won't be able to review the paperwork until he gets back. Me telling him to hold off essentially had no effect. The paperwork has all been drafted. It's just waiting for him to get back to go over it. I'm going forward with it all. W has no info on any of this. She still doesn't know that I filed...
Even more reason!
V
You have me confused, V. If I did something wrong, I need to know so I don't do it again. I called the law office and told them to file while L was already gone on vacation. His assistant drafted the paperwork and nothing can be done until he gets back to review it. When I called earlier this week and told them to wait, it had no effect because nothing could happen anyway while he was gone. When he gets back, we are going ahead with the process. W is not aware of any of this...
I have made a resolute decision to not give her anything until the court says I have to. I will not be her enabler...
Thank you for your advice, Vanilla. I appreciate your thoughts...
Another fun story...
Last night W called my dad and asked him if he would pay her to take a drug test. I don't know if I mentioned it in an earlier thread, but my dad offered to pay her to take a drug test a month or so ago. She refused. Now she's calling him saying she's hard up for money and wanting to take the drug test for some cash. Dad told her he wasn't interested in that anymore. That ship has sailed...
W just sent me another text...
Are you continuing to ignore me again or are you an adult today??
watching the fluctuation between the nice lady Act and the accusatory witch. It's pretty insane to observe. they definitely act differently but I think if you ever put your wife in my right wife in the I think if you ever put your wife and my wife in the same room it might tear a hole in space-time
Sorry for the stuttering voice text
You have me confused, V. If I did something wrong, I need to know so I don't do it again. I called the law office and told them to file while L was already gone on vacation. His assistant drafted the paperwork and nothing can be done until he gets back to review it. When I called earlier this week and told them to wait, it had no effect because nothing could happen anyway while he was gone. When he gets back, we are going ahead with the process. W is not aware of any of this...
I have made a resolute decision to not give her anything until the court says I have to. I will not be her enabler...
Thank you for your advice, Vanilla. I appreciate your thoughts...
Good for you.
V