New thread people.
The last 24 hours have been exciting (well if you want to call it that)... previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2777310&page=11I want to thank everyone who has been helping me in the last 24 hours especially. I have not been posting for a while, but now that my W is contacting me, I will keep this board very active because I will want to consult with you intelligent people.
New thread people.
The last 24 hours have been exciting (well if you want to call it that)... previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2777310&page=11I want to thank everyone who has been helping me in the last 24 hours especially. I have not been posting for a while, but now that my W is contacting me, I will keep this board very active because I will want to consult with you intelligent people.
I understand wanting to bounce off what your next move should be.
but instead of just asking, why don't you really think about what your next moves/responses should be and post them here instead of us telling you what to do.
What do YOU really think you should be doing right now?
W texted me in the middle of the night asking if I could leave the signed papers at my front desk of my office building, or in my car today (Monday) so "she could have them when she got to work on Tuesday". She said, you dont need to see me, you can just leave them there and I will pick them up. Or She can swing by my place after work on Monday and pick them up.
I don't mind any of these options; is my head just over thinking this?
Just ignore me. My head is spinning.
Do you read anything anyone writes to you?
Or do you just want a step by step instructional on how to respond to your W?
yep, as soon as I hit enter there; I knew that was coming...Later y'all.
Why must you peace out?
How about take some deep breaths, read over the excellent advice and viewpoints that many posters have given to you instead of spinning and just asking how to respond to your W!
In all the postings that were made to you that don't even get acknowledged, the answers are in there! It may not be what you want to hear, but it's there.
Now breath. Read. And how about sticking to the original plan?
Chris, I haven't followed the last 24 hours of your sitch, but Ginger is spot on. Why come here and ask for advice and then completely ignore it? These people are trying to genuinely help you.
I wrote a post in my own thread last week about people reacting poorly to advice and observations made about their sitch. Don't be that guy. You are at a critical point in your sitch that could set up what you'll need to do moving forward. Don't discount the people that have been through it before.
Good luck man, I know anytime it comes to a next step in D there is a lot of trepidation on the part of the LBS. I wish you the best man.
So, I just got the papers notarized (she had not signed them yet) and mailed them back.
I understand what you both are saying, I might just not be strong enough to DB. I have some really soul searching to do.
Just went back and caught up. Turns out I had been reading your sitch, so knew most of what had occurred. Christ in general I think you were handling it correctly. Notice that as you distanced she started chasing.
I would be tempted, if I were you, to tell her this: "I am morally opposed to divorce. I refuse to take part in the divorce. If you want to divorce it is on you and I will only do what I am court ordered to do."
Another marriage expert I listen to and read (not MWD) put it this way. If your wife came to you with a plot to murder your neighbor, would you join in the plot if she asked you? No you wouldn't because it would be wrong. Same thing when your spouse comes to you with a plot to murder your marriage.
Chris, do you want the divorce? If not, then I would stop all voluntary participation. I saw something about dissolution rather than divorce. I do not know the difference, but I assume you can contest a dissolution just like you can a divorce. And finally, I see the reason for going with a dissolution is financial? Letting finances drive your decisions in these things, in my opinion, is a terrible choice. I've said this to others here, never agree to something based on it being better financially. Money is way to important to most people.
Never mind, you can ignore most of my last post.
Well. Failed attempt at DB'ing.
Court Date is June 19th.
At least I am more prepared, and soo much better off than I was during the beginning of all this. I have built my like back up.
And then she had the b4llS to text me: "that was one of the hardest things I've ever done"
Sorry to hear Chris. Hopefully you feel a sense of relief and peace. So did she get the papers from work or did you see her in person? How did you get a court date so soon?
No i did not see her. My office mail was able to get to her office same day. She filed dissolution, so it might be different than a divorce....Really not sure.
She said, I dont know if you care or not, but I thought I would let you know. I cried in the lobby.
I knew her signature would be missing... I kinda doubt she is going to sign without asking again if this is what you want... I feel bad for you because you haven't gotten back to the strength you had before the dividing of the gifts. And think about that... She cheated on you before you two could even begin using your wedding gifts...
She just texted:
I dont know how hard or easy this is on u but if u could share your feelings, i would really appreciate it because again, i have some things i would like to say to you.
part of me wants to just lay into her...but that will get me nowhere in life.
She said, I dont know if you care or not, but I thought I would let you know. I cried in the lobby.
I got that from my XW too. She went to my L s office to sign our agreed divorce and parenting plan. She called me about three times while she was there (I was at a C appointment she knew I had) and sent a nasty don t have time for me while I m going through this text because I didn t answer my phone. When I called her back I got a spiel (which she later posted to Facebook) about how she was crying her eyes out and the receptionist and paralegal were so worried about her because of how bad she was. It was, of course, a total fabrication. The paralegal later told me that she d never seen a mother so calm and cold signing a parenting plan that made the husband the primary residential parent.
Remember the advice don t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see? That applies here. And no, laying into her will do you no good. Not with your healing, not with your detachment, not with your DBing.. it s not worth it. You ll feel better for ten minutes and then feel worse for ten days.
part of me wants to just lay into her...but that will get me nowhere in life.
Selfish does not begin to describe her. She has no filter... She wants what she wants and doesn't give a cr@p about what you want... Don't let her tell you what she wants to share... All of that is for her. To make herself feel better... I would rather you lay into her than give in and let her share her feelings... But only if you say your peace and walk away/hang up... That might be too difficult for you...
What up board. Having a real down day today. Just sad overall. Not sure what came over me. W emailed me about taking her name off some accounts; and some final financial stuff and I guess it just brought up old hurt.
I had a great GAL yesterday and my mind was free. Today I have some stuff planned for today to keep my mind occupied; but I keep thinking about her. Not even thinking about reconciliation; because I know that ship has sailed - just thinking about starting this whole love thing over again and losing half my friends; half my family; and the woman I spent my whole adult life with....
Just venting I guess.
((hugs)) You are going to make it.
Hi Chris,
Just was reading through here and I can remember feeling exactly as you do with your WAW. Looking back 4 years ago now, easily my BIGGEST ally in rebuilding my manhood, in GAL, and eventually realizing that my WAW lost a great guy was NC! No question about it. Absolute no contact. Early on I felt like an abandoned puppy dog. Thinking back to myself back then disgusts me. No way in hell my WAW, or any woman, is going to have that power over me. They'd be lucky to land a guy like me.
Recently my WAW contacted me after years of me being in NC. She wanted to return some old family photos she found that were mine. We met up and after that she was relentless in contacting me. We met up a few times over the past few weeks and it was strange at first as we hadn't laid eyes on each other for 4 years. However after awhile it was familiar again. Then just last week she apparently had another WAW attack/relapse or whatever LOL and vanished again...
I tell you this story because I want you, being so young especially, to see the contrast here in terms of me. In 2014 her doing this little Bewitched disappearing act would have torn me apart...and it really did. It reduced me to a whimpering puppy. Now in 2018, I don't care what she does. She wants to twitch her nose and vanish? LOL then knock yourself out WAW.I
sure as heck ain't going to go looking for ya LOL! She could never text me again now and I will be just fine because I know my own awesomeness and it's her loss. Now it just so happens that we both happened to be single now so I am open to R with her, I still love her...but I'll be damned if I am going to let her bring me down. No way!! My attitude may sound arrogant, but if WAW doesn't want me, then she can go find some other dude who won't hold a candle to me. I don't care because I have my own life. I could just as easily date some lovely women if I want to. It's quite a liberating feeling. After all, she's had 4 years to find better than me and lo and behold I hear from her after years of silence. That tells me I'm still the measuring stick to her and her suitors LOL!
So I may very well not hear from my WAW now for another year, or two, or whatever. It doesn't matter because I merely want her now...I don't need her...and to me that is the beginning of DBing and the successful ending to DBing...going from needing to wanting. Making YOURSELF whole again...not necessarily saving your marriage (some marriages probably shouldn't be salvaged actually.) The idea is to make yourself whole again, because only then will you be able to be in a
successful relationship anyway...with your WAW or someone new. You need to go from needing to wanting. Needing suggests a dependency, wanting suggests a preference.
You need to get yourself to this point I'm at, wanting not needing.
Now it seems from what I've read that your WAW is especially brutal in the way she disrespects you; my WAW wasn't quite so callous but then again back then when I started DBing I didn't really give her many chances to be as once I started GAL I kind of left her in the dust. My pride began to surface and it drove me. I just adopted the mindset that WAW gave up a great guy who had problems that were easily fixable. I fixed them without her and now she's going to have to chase her butt off to get me back. She's going to have to fight, and sweat, and do all the work if she wants to address R. If she doesn't want R, then I guess I'll hear from her again in 4 more years when she is suddenly compelled to contact me again LOL! It's all about confidence in yourself and it seems to me that's your major issue here.
So in your sitch, if your WAW wants to divorce you then let her. Buy her a brand new pen to sign the papers with. You're so young and like me, no kids with WAW, you have every reason to leave her in the dust and not have to communicate at all with her. Man up and tell her not to let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. (LOL don't really tell her that!) One day you will realize you need no one but yourself to create happiness, you only need someone else to share in your existing happiness and any woman who isn't drawn to it is a fool.
Chris may need a lot of things, but your WAW isn't one of them...even if every fiber of your body tells you otherwise during this delicate time for you. YOU CAN DO THIS but it starts with you getting this divorce done as soon as possible and then just erasing WAW off your white board and going NC and sticking to it. Think of it this way, I am speaking to you from 4 years into your future. Do NC as soon as possible and stick to it. It will make her miss you, see you as a capable man, and most importantly will make you a whole, happy man again! The latter of course is your main objective here.
Good luck Chris!
Hey Board,
D Day is upon me. I have court tomrw morning. I have been doing great GAL/NC and building myself up great over the past 2 months. I know I have been ghostly on this board, but it actually help to step away and just not think about all the WW stuff.
Of course the WW texted me this morning; "Hi, would you like to get dinner tonight?"
Me: "Are you going to tell me you do not want a divorce anymore"
WW: "I didnt have anything planned to say."
Me: "Than no, I will meet you downtown at court tomrw morning."
WW: "The only think I had for sure planed was to tell you that the OM is no longer part of my life. See u tomorrow I guess."
Me: "Heard that before."
WW: "Ok"
More;
WW: "You wont believe me and you dont want to see me so I guess there's no point. Sorry for asking or telling you that."
Hey man! Good to hear you pop by... I could tell you maybe you could've handled the convo differently. But, you're at the D finish line right now.. so just get it done and get your space... if something is meant for the future, you'll see... I say D finish line, but it's not the end. As IH mentioned in your thread, stuff can happen years down the line.
for your sake, I hope that you get to a good place and can start something exciting and healthy with a wonderful woman in the future. You are very young and with no kids, the future is open man. As I've said previously in your thread, if I was in your situation without kids, I would've left a long time ago. I know it's not easy, but there's tons more to come for you. Don't let this hold you back.
Hope today goes well in court. Do something positive afterwards if you can.
You weren't surprised to hear from her, were you? This is her pattern, to play these little games with you. Don't fall for it again. She isn't serious, Chris. She's just playing you.
Yep, I was not surprised at all. And I also am not surprised she said "You wont believe me and you dont want to see me so I guess there's no point. Sorry for asking or telling you that."
Basically that is her telling herself her decision is right, because I am not willing to try. But I know the truth and so does she.
Me: "Than no, I will meet you downtown at court tomrw morning."
GOOD RESPONSE.
WW: "The only think I had for sure planed was to tell you that the OM is no longer part of my life. See u tomorrow I guess."
Me: "Heard that before."
Or how about "that's no longer my business, as of tomorrow we will be divorced and neither of us has to answer to the other as to who we are dating."
Yep, I was not surprised at all. And I also am not surprised she said "You wont believe me and you dont want to see me so I guess there's no point. Sorry for asking or telling you that."
Basically that is her telling herself her decision is right, because I am not willing to try. But I know the truth and so does she.
Actually that's not what I read into it, it sounds to me like "I'm lying and I hate that I've been caught out in another lie so I'm going to try and gaslight and guilt-trip you a bit to divert attention from my lie."
Yea, ok. I can def see that now; I meant to also put the "guilt-trip" in my last post. That has been a major MO for her throughout this whole thing. And in the past I would get so worked up, and try to explain myself; and defend myself. But know I can just see it, and it does not effect me at all anymore.
The guilt trip is such a sad card to play, and I am just learning from her that I will never use that in my life in the future.
Yep, I was not surprised at all. And I also am not surprised she said "You wont believe me and you dont want to see me so I guess there's no point. Sorry for asking or telling you that."
Basically that is her telling herself her decision is right, because I am not willing to try. But I know the truth and so does she.
i am so happy that you see this for what it is... even at the very end she is trying to play you--and you didn't fall for it! i have been thinking about your situation, wondering what was happening... thank you for letting us know... you deserve so much more from your W than these immature games...
hello, Chris... how are you today? how did court go?
--artista
Hey art; Im doing good. I went on a family vaca to get away from everything. Court was interesting to say the least. She tried to have a conversation with me, asking if I even thought about having dinner with her when she asked me the night before. And said she wanted to invite me on a trip to Europe...blah blah, she could have still asked me if she really wanted to. I was business like the whole time and told her it was not appropriate to have the conversation at that point in time.
After court I received many texts it was a complete remorseful apology. Little to late huh.
She tried to have a conversation with me, asking if I even thought about having dinner with her when she asked me the night before. And said she wanted to invite me on a trip to Europe...blah blah,
she was thinking that that would pull you back in--a last-ditch effort to have control of you by inviting you to Europe...
i know you have heard this many times, and it does not minimize the pain you feel over the dissolution of your very young marriage, but you are young... you will take all that you have learned from this first marriage and make yourself a better-prepared partner... you will not be guided by your Mr. Nice Guy tendencies that turn you into a mate-pleaser... you are kind... you are intelligent... you are not afraid of commitment... you will meet a woman who will recognize her good fortune to know you... to be loved by you... and she will love you... and you will love her... you will have children and a lovely family of your own with a selfless partner who does not manipulate, control and make everything about her...
you have EVERYTHING to look forward to, Chris... honestly--you do...
--artista
hi, Chris... how are you? how is summer going? i hope you are having a blast as you GAL... let us know...