Hello.
I'm new here. Well not exactly. I joined years ago with my first marriage. The site helped me tremendously. That marriage fell through, the site helped and actually worked, but my ex would not leave his lover alone at the time so I ended the marriage.
Fast forward to now. I'm not married currently but have been with my boyfriend for two years. We just had a child, his first my fourth. We struggled at the end of my pregnancy and he had moved out for the last three months. No affairs occurred, he moved in with his mother. He came home after the baby was born. All was going well, the typical stress of a newborn. Looking back, what I saw as normal was probably all new to him as it is his first child. He started to disengage at focus on video games more and more and hanging out with friends more and more. I was so overwhelmed and upset by all this that I started to play the head games. We did this for a few weeks. The main thing we did was silent treatment. Of course these actions opened old wounds from when we were separated while I was pregnant. We started to talk one night and it escalated and he left. I was very upst and hurt and told him that was the last time he has done that to me. But the next day I asked him to come home and he wouldn't. It has put me into a panick. I have done all the wrong things. I have asked about 5 times if Is really over. He says yes. I do believe that there is a chance to save this relationship as when I back off, he reached out to see if I'm still there.
I need help on how to stay focused on what to do. I've been pretty depressed and I think that is part of the over all problem. My insecurities are raring their ugly head.
What's the best thing to do when they say it's over?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
So. Some events happened since I was on here last. I once again asked him if he was sure that the rekationship was over. He said that he was. I was pretty bummed. I asked again because I sometimes feel like he is feeling things out. The last time I backed off, he was calling at the end of the week wondering where I was. We then kept talking for about 4-5 days then he went silent again. I know that I can't ask again, that was the last time. Well, I asked him on sat. He was gonna get the baby on Sunday, and after he said it was over, I was devastated. Couldntvslrep all night. Right before he was coming to get the baby, he called. He was upset about an argument he had been in and needed to vent. I listened and talked. We talked for about 20 min. He came and picked baby yup and dropped him off. When he dropped him off he said that he had the next day off and if I was in the area to stop by. Well, I didn't hear from him and I have t since.
It's been a few days since any interaction and I'm getting edgy. I go from being strong to upset in minutes at times. I'm so nervous that he is completely over me and moving on. 😔
Hello.
I'm new here. Well not exactly. I joined years ago with my first marriage. The site helped me tremendously. That marriage fell through, the site helped and actually worked, but my ex would not leave his lover alone at the time so I ended the marriage.
Fast forward to now. I'm not married currently but have been with my boyfriend for two years. We just had a child, his first my fourth. We struggled at the end of my pregnancy and he had moved out for the last three months. No affairs occurred, he moved in with his mother. He came home after the baby was born. All was going well, the typical stress of a newborn. Looking back, what I saw as normal was probably all new to him as it is his first child. He started to disengage at focus on video games more and more and hanging out with friends more and more. I was so overwhelmed and upset by all this that I started to play the head games. We did this for a few weeks. The main thing we did was silent treatment. Of course these actions opened old wounds from when we were separated while I was pregnant. We started to talk one night and it escalated and he left. I was very upst and hurt and told him that was the last time he has done that to me. But the next day I asked him to come home and he wouldn't. It has put me into a panick. I have done all the wrong things. I have asked about 5 times if Is really over. He says yes. I do believe that there is a chance to save this relationship as when I back off, he reached out to see if I'm still there.
I need help on how to stay focused on what to do. I've been pretty depressed and I think that is part of the over all problem. My insecurities are raring their ugly head.
What's the best thing to do when they say it's over?
Let them go. You answered your own question in that when you back off he reaches out. SO BACK WAY OFF. Put no pressure on him at all. That means stop all pursuit. Detach (see Cadet's link) and validation.
180s (stop doing the things you were doing wrong) and GAL (hard with a newborn I know, but you have to show him you will be fine without him).
IF you do this right, there is a high likelihood he will want to come back. When he does you lay down the conditions of reconciliation and stick to those.
Finally, you both sound like you would benefit with couple's counseling. Neither of you handle conflict well at all. Counseling can help you with that.
Thank you for responding!
I've been doing my best to stick with the no contact. I was doing so well, then he reached out. It's almost like he got scared. Idk. So back to being quiet. I'm doing my best at GAL as well. The baby is getting a bit older so soon he will be able to be with family if I need some time. I will read about Detachment also. Again thanks so much.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I've been reading everyday. When I start to feel nervous or that I'm losing hope, I pick up the book.
I do believe that there is a chance to save this relationship as when I back off, he reached out to see if I'm still there.
Have you read the pursuit and distance thread in the homework.
This is classic.
In the book? Where can I find it?
I found it. You are right, it does sound like what he does. Nice for a bit then NOTHING.
My question is, when he calls or reaches out, as I'm sure he will, how do I respond to him? Just act nice?
I found it. You are right, it does sound like what he does. Nice for a bit then NOTHING.
My question is, when he calls or reaches out, as I'm sure he will, how do I respond to him? Just act nice?
Confidant, strong, busy, mysterious.
Read the thread we just spoke about and stop pursuing.
I found it. You are right, it does sound like what he does. Nice for a bit then NOTHING.
My question is, when he calls or reaches out, as I'm sure he will, how do I respond to him? Just act nice?
One more thing for now, he's been calling more than texting. It's somewhat new for him. I kinda feel like if I answer everytime he feels like I'm just waiting for him to call. I me mentioned that last week he had started reaching out more. The last night that he did, he had called at 8:45 at night. I actually did miss the the call same and the kiddos were at my dads, but on the way home. I had texted him about 30 min later "What's up?" His response was, "what, I can't call now?" I was kinda vague that night but did respond nicely. Then the he went quiet for the rest of the week. When he calls, he never leaves voicemails, ever. If it's important he will text right after. (This is from the past - prior to him leaving)
My question is, do I answer/return call if missed? Or wait?
Today is the fourth day that I have been quiet. It bums me out that I have not heard from him. I'm still doing my best to focus on me, even though I still think of him most of the time. I dread the weekends at this point, I know he will want the baby for some time. We do fine at exchanges, but the "doing fine" kinda concerns me. I worry that he will validate the break up and consider this the better option. He gets to leave, and now have his life, and all is well. I'm still trying to hang on here but when I have no sign fro him it gets very difficult.
He very well might decide that is the better option. You are focusing on him and trying to control him. You can't do that. You have to focus on the one thing you can control, and that is YOU. You said that in your second sentence, then went on to focus on him.
Any movement on your detachment? 180s? GAL? When you are around him for those exchanges are you the best you that you can be? Are you a spouse only and idiot would leave? Work on all of that and who knows, he might eventually come around.
Hmmmm.... not sure that I'm trying to control at this point. I never have, but I can see why he might have felt that way at the end. I recognize that he was just as overwhelmed as I was when he left.
The face to face contact between us has gone really well between us. He even wanted us to hang out with him while he had the baby 2 weekends ago. When he first left, I had a couple moments of sending emotional text messages, when he first left, and then maybe a week later. But since then I have not done that. That's why I mentioned that when I pull back he comes looking.
GAL has never been to much of any issue for me, so I have been. I suppose that is why I say he might look at this as the better option. I know that is a possible option, but I would be devastated if it happens. It's hard for me to fathom him really wanting to go when it was just 4 months ago he was wanting to make it work.
I keep the faith.
His mom contacted me tonight. I haven't been in contact with her since this weekend. I held strong and didn't ask about him. She's always told me to stay hopeful, that she feels that we will be back together. But, I know I had to back off from her.
I can't lie, I wanted to ask her so bad about him. It [censored] not being a real part of the family.
Update - he texted me this morning at 8 o'clock. Last night his mother asked for a picture of the baby and I had sent one. He sent it to me via text and commented how cute he was. Then then jokingly said I need to start sending him pics or we are gonna fight. I just responded "lol". Then he asked how much money I needed for bills, and I told him whatever he could give. He then jokingly said I'm a pain in the ...". I responded that he doesn't really have a big one, so i can't be too much of a pain. He joked backed.
I'm so confused by him.
WASs are very confusing animals.
Hello and welcome!
I have done all the wrong things. I have asked about 5 times if Is really over. He says yes. I do believe that there is a chance to save this relationship as when I back off, he reached out to see if I'm still there.
So you mentioned you were here before for your M and that it worked, I assume after the initial pressure you've backed off and got back to DB'ing?
What's the best thing to do when they say it's over?
Just nod and validate. Validation is not agreeing, it's just acknowledging feelings.
I once again asked him if he was sure that the rekationship was over. He said that he was.
Stop asking about the R. He is telling you how he feels right NOW and that's not going to change anytime soon. Be patient!
The last time I backed off, he was calling at the end of the week wondering where I was. We then kept talking for about 4-5 days then he went silent again.
Yes that's typical of the pursuit/distance dynamic. You distance, he pursues. You warm up to his pursuit and he pushes you away again. You need to break the dynamic, don't get drawn in when he temperature checks you.
It's been a few days since any interaction and I'm getting edgy. I go from being strong to upset in minutes at times. I'm so nervous that he is completely over me and moving on.
These situations don't resolve quickly. It's going to take months. Just relax and take some deep breaths, there's no sense of urgency.
My question is, do I answer/return call if missed? Or wait?
Well you want to seem mysterious and make him wonder what you're up to, so sometimes don't answer. If he calls and doesn't text or leave a message then let it go, don't call him back or text him. When he texts, sometimes reply right away, sometimes reply after an hour, and sometimes don't reply at all. Again the idea is for you to be too busy for him. At first you may be faking it but eventually you really should be too busy GAL'ing.
We're not. His actions are very, very typical of a WAS. I would suggest maybe being a little less chummy with him in texts. Try to keep things business-like. Contact should be mostly for kid-related stuff. Do you read Sandi's rules every day?
Hi again.
I'd like to say that I followed the steps, but I cracked. I was vague - or more so just answered his questions - and he started flirting with me. So the distance must work. But, I feel silly to say, I gave in. I flirted back. As good as it felt to flirt, I felt like I was breaking the DB rules. So I would stop. He kept going. I finally shook myself and stopped responding. I hope I didn't mess up too much.
And in regards to the return calls and text, I have been doing that. Not this week as he has been distant, but even today I had went in the store for an errand and didn't respond for an hour or so, but then other times right away.
I'm not gonna cave and text him first, or call. All contact is initiated by him.
Hopefully the flirting didn't hurt things too much.
We all struggle. It is hard. The first positive response we get we jump at it. You have to remember that WAS want to keep you in their control. When they feel they are losing control they will start temp checking. Comes out in various ways: flirting, discussing the future with you, initiating sex, etc. The key is for the LBS not to read too much into it other than the WAS wondering if you are still on the hook or not.
Well, I feel like I did ok then. I went into the preschool to pick up my daughter, and when I came back he left a couple messages wondering where I went, bc I hadn't responded to his last text. So... I'm not doing to bad. I'm not expecting anything after this, as that is probably exactly what he was doing, temp checking. I was smarter with my flirting so to speak, I let him be the last to respond each time. So it left HIM wondering and not me. Hahaha.
Thanks for responding.
Hi again.
I'd like to say that I followed the steps, but I cracked. I was vague - or more so just answered his questions - and he started flirting with me. So the distance must work. But, I feel silly to say, I gave in. I flirted back. As good as it felt to flirt, I felt like I was breaking the DB rules. So I would stop. He kept going. I finally shook myself and stopped responding. I hope I didn't mess up too much.
And in regards to the return calls and text, I have been doing that. Not this week as he has been distant, but even today I had went in the store for an errand and didn't respond for an hour or so, but then other times right away.
I'm not gonna cave and text him first, or call. All contact is initiated by him.
Hopefully the flirting didn't hurt things too much.
Right after BD nearly all of us are shell-shocked and petrified that we will say or do one thing that'll crush our chances of recon. But that's not the case. It took a long time for your relationship to get to this point and it'll take a while to resolve it. Don't sweat the small stuff, you'll have a slip-up now and then but we all do/ did. A little flirting certainly won't derail your DB'ing! It sounds like you're doing great DB'ing, keep it up!
Thank you!
I'm super nervous with any convo with him other than the baby. It's kinda silly bc he prolly is testing the waters a bit. The funny part about it is, if I were just confident I know I'd have this in the bag. But for some reason I'm super nervous about it. I'm sure him abruptly leaving and saying he's done is the reason.
A little more history. Right before I got preggo, I had transitioned to a new job. I had been at my old job for 17 years. I left bc of complications bc I started dating him, he worked there also. We both left due to this. I went to the new job and it didn't fit so to speak. Now, my job was super important to me. It was my life besides the kids. I poured my life into it. So he had to cover some bills while I havent worked. This really brought me down, I'm so used to handling my own household. It still to this day bothers me to ask for money.
I say that bc when I found out I was preggo I too it hard bc I knew that I wouldn't be able to work until the baby was born. I sunk into an insecure person. With the pregnancy I gained so much weight, more insecurity.
So.... I know he's probably wondering where I went. I'm still here, I start a new job in a few weeks. I feel that it will be a good fit. I've dropped 50 lbs in 3 1/2 months. I'm pretty stoked about that. Im on my way to lose more.
I know that I will be back to my old self soon - just not sure he knows it.
Hi. So just as expected, I did not hear from him at all after the flirty text. I am not at all surprised this time. It's almost as if it is a game?
Anyhow, I'm sure they he will test those waters again since he did and I took the bait. What is the best way to handle it?
I struggle with this one bc when we were fighting I unfortunately played silent treatment with him. I feel like if I ignore him he will [censored] down even more, or think I'm playing games with him. Even yesterday, it's like he was a little sensitive when I didn't respond.
I just don't want to shove him even further away.
Not sure why it censored the word "shut". Maybe my phone typed something else. Opps.
Also... I'm wondering if bc I wasn't as attentive to him yesterday if he's wondering what is up. And maybe he's going to wait for me now.
He was going to give me money for bills and he normally touches base on what day he's going to see the baby on the weekend. It's not totally unlike him, but he was asking just yesterday morning how much I needed for bills. He usually follows in the afternoon after work on where and when I can get it. I suppose he could just have forgotten, but I'm not so sure.
Still haven't heard anything. Starting to wonder if he is just playing games.
Get your mind off of it. Stay busy. He'll contact you.
Detachment isn't shutting down. Common misconception we all go through. Read the thread on detachment again. Living detachment is not shutting down. also read about pursuit/distance. You'll see the game he is playing.
I'm staying strong. When I start thinking about it too much, I post here. I won't dare text him first.
Rough night. Yesterday I took my two younger kiddos(the older were with their father) to the mall and to the races last night. Him not contacting me started really getting to me. Thoughts of him with another woman started entering my mind and making me sick to my stomach. Every night I go to sleep so upset over him, and every morning I was up the same. I know I need to detach, I guess I fake detach. I really don't think I will hear from him today either. On Mothers Day none the less. This kills me.
I'm so hurt by him. I will most likely ignore any text if they do even come.
Do your best to keep busy. Do something for you today- something that makes your heart dance. We all know this is not easy but we all got to move forward DB, 180 detatch but most of all be kind to yourself and be the best you can be. happy mothers day and blessings on your journey!
After posting, I got up and got the little one up. We are at one of our rental homes so I can get some work done. Should keep my mind occupied slightly for a while.
Thanks for th response. I should say, prior to rejoining this site, I joined another so called relationship help site. It was HORRIBLE. It was so negative. The people told me he didn't love me, to move on, that I have issues for even wanting to continue, etc. I read other people peoples post and it was the same. In my opinion, some of those relationship can be saved if acted on properly. Such a shame. I stopped logging in the same day that I signed up and came here. I know that there is a reality that he might not come back. But I'm not sure he's done, and I know I'm not done so I might as well try.
Update
He texted at around 1 happy Mother's Day, with a kiss face emoji. I responded thank you. He asked what I was doing today, I said going to a friends. He then says he would watch the baby for me. I said it was ok, then he brings up the money from Friday, saying to let him know when I'm gonna pick it up. I just respond ok. I wait a bit and tell him to give it to his mom, I'll pick it up tomorrow. Then he says he is switching to night shift so he will be there. I tell him to just give it to her, as I won't be down that way until I pick up the girls from school. He said he wanted to see the baby so we would figure something out. I then say ok, just drop it off on the way to work. No response.
To whoever is reading this - I'm heartbroken once again. I really feel like there is no hope here. He is just playing games. He only said HMD so he could hopefully get to see the baby.
I feel so stupid and like such an idiot. He keeps telling me over and over that we are done but I'm just sitting here waiting like a puppy dog. <insert tears>
I'm really feeling defeated at this point. I still can't fathom how I can have his child less than 4 months ago and he can just be completely gone. Not sure I can do this anymore.
You are stronger than you know. Focus on yourself and your child. You can do this!
I'm just super frustrated. I don't get he can casually flirt around and think that is appropriate. He just told me a week ago AGAIN that it wasn't going to work out.
I'm biting my tongue so hard. I want to scream "Pick a lane and stay in it". But that would show that I care too much.
Loves, likely he isn't sure what he wants, thus the lane changing. When my wife was trying to decide to leave or stay, she said she felt like she was in the drive in lane at McDonalds and had to choose which ordering line to get into, the one closest to the building or the one further from the building. And she couldn't seem to make a choice.
Yea, I do understand that he's in his own state of confusion. But it seems that it would be obvious to not flirt with the person who's heart you just broke.
Another sleepless night for me. He is supposed to drop off money today. We will see if it happens. He starts night shift today. Makes me sad. He always stayed on the day shift for me so we could see one another. Just another sign of moving on.
I texted his mom and asked her if he left the money with her. She said no, but try calling him. She keeps pushing me to talk with him. She wants us to work out and I think she thinks if we are around one another that things will fall into place. She said he goes to work at one, so I'm kinda doubting that I hear from him.
**update**
As stated before, he was somehow going to get me money today. The text fro. Yesterday was vague so I was kinda unsure if I'd hear from him.
I was picking up my daughter from preschool and on the way home and he rings in. I let it go to vm but he called right back. So I answered. "Where are you?" Was his words. I explain and he's irritated and starts complaining. He was upset that I wasn't home when he felt that we had agreed he would be coming. I calmly respond that I was sorry, that he never confirmed and I didn't know what time that he was going to work. He was still irritated. Saying that I never message, I'm short when I do, I won't come get the money he has to bring it etc. He ends up saying he would call me tomorrow. I thought he hung up, but he didn't. He repeats it then hangs up on me. I calmly call back and say that we are literally 2 min away. He says ok.
I hate to admit, but I start laughing to myself. I know what I have been doing is working. It's dang near killled me (lol) but it's working. I remind myself before I get home to no matter what stay relaxed and chill and pleasant. Earlier this morning I made sure my hair looked good just in case.
He was here for 45 min talking. He kept saying he had to leave - but kept talking. I just let him talk. I could tell him didn't want to leave. He kept telling the baby goodbye but then would stay. I finally grabbed the baby at the end and said daddy had to leave.
After he left he texted how good that I looked, noticing how much weight I have lost. I responded thank you. He sent another kiss face emoji.
I think what I'm doing is making him think.
Oh.... as he got in the car, he said "call me if anything. But not that you ever do." He looked me in the eye with a sad face. Smh.
Update
After my last update, he kept texting. That lead to him coming over after work and staying the night. I know, completely against the rules. But, I do feel like it was the right thing to do. I think with me being distant had him really wondering about the situation. When he woke up he was all about talking. Not about us, but just everything. I listened and let him talk. He was actually talking about things we would be doing in the future and when he was talking about other convos he had had, he was still referring to me as his. So I do think that though he hasn't mentioned coming home, that he is highly considering it. I'm still gonna wait for him to text. I think that will be best for now.
After he left he texted how good that I looked, noticing how much weight I have lost. I responded thank you. He sent another kiss face emoji.
I think what I'm doing is making him think.
Sure sounds like it! Nice work!
Oh.... as he got in the car, he said "call me if anything. But not that you ever do." He looked me in the eye with a sad face. Smh.
Does he do a lot of passive/aggressive stuff like that? Just ignore it, he's pouting and trying to get you to agree to hang on as Plan B.
That lead to him coming over after work and staying the night. I know, completely against the rules. But, I do feel like it was the right thing to do.
Here's the thing, your DB'ing has him pursuing you. You distance, he pursues. That's how it works. But you have got to be careful because if you just let him back in your bed like that then he'll be comfortable that he still has you "on the hook" and he will immediately start distancing again, and it will break your heart.
So I do think that though he hasn't mentioned coming home, that he is highly considering it.
Possibly, but if he is, he's not serious about it yet.
I'm still gonna wait for him to text. I think that will be best for now.
Don't wait for him to do anything. Leave him alone, assume you won't hear from him, and get busy living your life. THAT is what will bring him back.
Hi. Another update.
I texted him about some bills tonight and he called rather than text. I honestly only had questions on the bills but he kept me on the phone. I literally said 3 times "well gotta go" and he kept talking.
I agree with the statement about being careful with letting him stay the night, very true. I will be honest, I'm not catching that vibe from him. I really feel like he does want us to be together but is still trying to figure things out. I'm aware that letting him back in so to speak will make him go quiet again but I as I have grown more confident it's almost as if we are switching roles so to speak. Not full blown, but I'm not as upset anymore and asking him about us. He's definitely noticed.
And when I said I'd wait for him to text, I meant as you said. I'm dealing with my own stuff and not waiting around anymore.
I guess we shall see what happens next.
Loves you are on the right path- Stay strong and on point. keep your focus on you and your child. Stay well!
I wanted to ask a question - purely curiosity behind it.
After he called last night I did send a text saying that it was nice to hear him so happy and that I was glad his job is working out for him.
He never responded to this. It's odd to me. Maybe I'm overthinking it but I would think that is a nice text?
Also when talking about the bills, he said he was gonna help me with his first check after I started working to catch me up on anything. I was hoping that he was gonna be more here by then. So kinda bummed me out a Little but I didn't act as such.
Loves,
I am fairly new to this but my understanding is by DBing it means you do not reach out to him with texts except those relating to your child and finances. All communication should brief and on point. sending him a nice text may be seen as pursuing. In regards to the bills and hoping that he was gonna be more there. You need to drop all your expectations. Only my 2 cents. Stay well.
I wanted to ask a question - purely curiosity behind it.
After he called last night I did send a text saying that it was nice to hear him so happy and that I was glad his job is working out for him.
He never responded to this. It's odd to me. Maybe I'm overthinking it but I would think that is a nice text?
Well yeah, it's a nice text. Unfortunately it is also pursuit and pressure, and he doesn't want pressure right now which is probably why he didn't reply. That and he thinks he "doesn't want to give you the wrong idea". Just back off and give him space. Remember what I said up above about the pursuit/ distance dynamic?
I can see what you guys are saying. It just seems odd after he called me and very obviously wanted me to stay on the phone. I'm not gonna over think it anymore. I just know to not do that next time. Thanks!
I'm having a rough time tonight. I've been sick these past couple of days. It makes me miss him even more. All the what ifs are haunting me. What if these past couple of weeks weren't him really wondering. Maybe he is just being nice. I just miss him and want him to come back.
It is normal to feel that. We all do from time to time.
Find something to do to GAL. Get out, exercise, see a movie.
Hang in there!
I'm really feeling like throwing in the towel. I don't know if it's because I'm sick, or starting this new job, but I just feel like this waiting game is ridiculous. I feel like he's playing games when he is bored.
Ugh.
Giving up the R is always an option. There is no shame in that. Giving up on yourself and your GALing, and doing the work you need to improve yourself - that is not an option. Let him go. Drop the rope. Once you do that you can focus more on yourself.
No matter what happens you will come out of this stronger.
Hello again.
It is true, giving up is an option. I feel like it's a forced option at this point.
He called earlier. My daughter was on my phone watching videos while I slept with the baby. I didn't call back. I kinda figure if it neeeded he will call back or text. Just not sure I can deal with it today.
Hello again.
It is true, giving up is an option. I feel like it's a forced option at this point.
He called earlier. My daughter was on my phone watching videos while I slept with the baby. I didn't call back. I kinda figure if it neeeded he will call back or text. Just not sure I can deal with it today.
Good job!
There will be tough days. They will pass. Just try to remember this.
I don't think you are ready to throw in the towel. I think you are tired of holding. Tired of mixed signals. I get it. Be sick and worn out makes it worse. This too will pass.
Keep up the detachment. It's good for you as well as the chances of saving the m.
That's the thing... we aren't married. Pretty dang close. But that's the one thing that makes me different on here. Pretty sad huh? I'm over here stressing a guy who didn't even marry me.
So he called today at noon. I answered. He was asking why I didn't answer yesterday. I told him and he seemed slightly agitated. Said if the rain clears up he might come by to see the baby.
That was 5 hours ago. Smh.
I hear you. I am in a very similar situation. Don't wait around for him. Get out and do something. The worst thing for the LBS is waiting...
I'm not waiting. We are sick so we have been home. I just think it's odd to call when you don't even know if you are coming or not. Weird.
Just as I expected, no call. I swear. This is getting so old.
I need to be careful, bc I'm afraid that I may snap on him soon.
I get the frustration, my wife was playing coy with me today as well.
It's so hard not to react, but I think that is what we need to do. They are acting crazy, just try not to let the crazy infect us. Hang in there.
Always assume he won't follow through. Remember detach detach detach.
True. He's never not followed through when it came to the baby though. Just weird.
I'm over being ticked off about it. It is what it is.
Welp. Never heard from last night and haven't heard from him yet today. Not sure if it's head games or we are both just backing away from one another. Pretty odd how one week can seem so promising and the next seems so, blah/nothing.
No sooner than I clicked "submit" he was calling. He asked what I had planned for today, I was vague bc I didn't know where he was headed. Then he asked if he could come over and hang out. And bring his PlayStation. Asked if I needed anything as he can tell I'm still sick. I then told him I had to take my oldest daughter dress shopping and that I would call him. I'm a little reserved about this. I can't stand anymore head games but I know I'm the past when he was trying to come back that he did this very thing.
Ugh.
It sounds like you handled it well. I wouldn't let him just come over whenever he wants. That sounds like cake-eating.
Temp taking. He feels like he is losing control and is trying to reassert it. I would tell him no thank you.
*Update*
After he had called I did as I said. Picked up kids from school, dropped my middle two with grandpa and took my oldest dress shopping. While there, he texts me asking if I was home yet. I kinda laughed to myself bc this is always how he has been. I just respond no and continue shopping with my daughter. When we got home I let him know. So he heads over. He wanted to buy us all dinner. It was almost like old times. It's funny how that can happen,huh? He did mention me not answering his call from the weekend. Said it was two days. I laughed and said umm?it was only a day.
He stayed from about 6 until 10:30. I did want him to stay, but wasn't upset that he left. He said he's gonna call me today and maybe come over. We shall see. I'm not expecting anything.
Another update
He just picked up his debit card. He started talking about the schedule for when I go to work. I started getting upset, sad about leaving the baby and such.
Listening to him talk about him living at his moms and how they are gonna do things really made me sad. It made me feel like he has no plans to come back. I held it together though, just shed a couple of tears over the baby situation.
After he left though they came down.
Good for you. Put on the brave, happy face for him and keep the interactions as positive and matter-of-fact as possible! I understand that daggers in the heart feeling when the WS talks about their future plans without you. Don't let him know that, though. Also, remember not to believe a word he says.
Im trying my best. He did see me shed some tears over the baby but that's it. The next week have a lot of changes happening. Im going to work, all kids going to their summer arrangements. I will be leaving my house at 6 am and not home until 6pm from mon-thurs.
I fear that once this starts that me and him won't be seeing one another anymore, as he will have the baby during the day.
Not seeing him might be a good thing for your detachment at this point.
Yea, definitely. But I feel like it could be a finality with me and him.
A couple updates
Last night I sent a text and I sent it to a couple different people, him being one of them, and it went into a group text. The text was a meme and I'll admit it had sexual reference. I did t think too much about it, as it was clearly a joke. Well, I check my phone an hour or so later and he had called about 4 times. I text him asking what's up and he calls. Wants to know who was the other person on the text and was obviously nervous about it. It had me laughing.
Fast forward to this morn. He's calling at 730 am which is way odd considering he works at night now. He tells me he is sick with what I have. I can tell he is. I end up going over there with meds and staying a while with him.
He texted later thanking me for taking care of him with hearts.
im just trying to play it cool for now.
Why are you taking care of him? That seems like cake-eating on his part. He is still getting the benefits of the relationship without actually committing to it.
I know what you mean about it feeling like a finality. Every time I hang-up with my W, I feel like it could be the last time we ever speak. It is hard. That's the discipline of it - not giving in to that feeling.
I know, you are right. I sometimes feel like I give in a bit quick. But, having just have gone through this sickness it is no joke! I will save the details but you are on the toilet for a couple days at moments notice. I don't want him to miss too much work as he is paying for the house bills. Also his mom is severely sick and soooo stressed out. I just felt it was the right thing to do. I know it's against the rules, but I went with my gut on it.
I need to be careful with my texting. Though last night seemed to work in my favor a bit, I just need to be careful and back off from it.
Update.
He ended up staying at my house that night. I felt better that he did, his mom is really sick right now and she would have been up trying to do for him. Anyhow, last night I took him back to her house. The time that he was here was fine. Nothing discussed about the R. After dropping me off he sent a text saying thank you for taking care of him, how much it meant to him with a heart emoji at the end. I responded that he's had my back and I have his. And he responded that we always will.
I broke down. With going to work next week and knowing that this back and forth with him cannot continue I called him. I told him that though I don't mind be friendly, that I can't do that with him right now. And with work starting next week, that would be a good time to put distance between us. And maybe later the friendliness can return but not now. That I needed him to please be respectful of this. At the end I said something to him that he has said to me, when we started out he wasn't looking for another friend and neither am I. Though I don't want to move on, I have too
He was quiet the majority of the phone call. But by the end was in tears saying that he forsnt want that. That he wants us back together and he feels that this past year was really hard on me and took its toll and he's been hoping that with me back to work that we can get back on track. He was in tears.
I think we had a break through.
Maybe, but be wary. Remember, your old MR is dead. If you move forward with him it will be with a new MR.
That means he has changes to make, you have changes to make. And I would highly suggest MC as a condition to R.
Don't fall for crumbs and don't change your approach. Remember, he's going to have to do some major stuff for you to think he's genuine and wants recon.
MC/IC has to be on the table. Be cautious, move slow, and don't keep restating your boundaries. Now that you've told him you want space and can't be his friend, don't repeat it. Just act and show him that you mean business.
My W had me sleep over at her place for a week and we even had sex. Guess what - she was still done. Don't fall for a few tears. That could be guilt or whatever.
As Sandi says - the words, attitudes, and actions all have to match. Until then, it's just confusion for them.
Hello
I did take a gamble with saying what I did. Things have been going well with us. I have not heard from him today he had said that he was gonna call and we would talk more but it's not uncommon for him not too. Especially when it's emotional. I'm sticking to my guns.
Update
My have things changed. I never did hear back from him after what he had said. Yesterday was Sunday. He had told me he was going to give me money for bills. I asked him if he still was via text. Apparently he did not like this question. He proceeds to start cussing at me and then blowing up my phone. I texted him that I was in a very crowded area and that I would call him back. Basically we started fighting. I can't stand being cussed at. Especially over just a small subject. I had texted him a few times asking what have I ever done to deserve any of it and he basically told me to stop texting him. So I ended up blocking him.
This all happens after his mom had just called me two days ago so excited bc he has been telling his family that he's coming home. I am completely ticked off. I'm not seeing how I can continue any longer and have told his mom that I'm done.
I just don't understand it at all.
Update
We ended up fighting again on Tuesday evening. It was initiated by me. I have went downhill will it comes to DB and I'm not sure why. A part of me feels hopeless. The Tuesday night fight was really bc it was my first day at work and I wanted doooo bad to talk to him about it. But instead I asked him if it was really over. He can never fully answer the question. I get so disgusted.
Fast forward to yesterday morn at 130 am. His mom texts me that she is. Dry sick and cannot watch the baby. I tell her to ask him and she said he can't bc of work. I had to call off on my third day of my new job. Life got really real yesterday. I almost lost my new job. I spent the day looking for a new sitter. He started calling and telling me I should have brought him anyways. Later he texted that he was sooo sorry and that he feels like he had let me down and it's killing him. I did not respond. And when we spoke I was very distant and kept getting off of the phone with him.
Every week seems to bring something new. I know that there is probably Still hope but I have backed way off again. I can't get going there with him. It's detrimental to me right now. It makes me sad though. I still want it to work even though it seems impossible at this point.
Hi Loves77, you're doing the right thing backing off. Keep taking care of you and getting stronger. My own H cant reply and answer a flat out question either or else he interrupts me and wont let me speak and acts super casual.
Don't let him get away with not helping with your kiddo. You cant lose your job. Keep distancing and don't initiate any conversations that could end up in arguments. I'm learning this myself, we don't argue but the last time I tried to ask about the future he just blurted out quickly that he still wants to parts ways and then clams up and runs off to avoid anything other than the same comment, nothing else.
It's the worst rollercoaster emotional ride ever but stay strong, if you need to chat I'm here with my posts too.
I'm just kinda upset with myself. I was doing sooooo good a few weeks ago. I really feel like he was almost ready to come back. Then I go and get myself all upset again. Smh. I'll just get back to where I was. Work is definitely helping. I'm more focused now that I started there.
I am very annoyed that I almost lost my job. But I did not once get angry or lose my cool and go off. I just kept focused.
Good for you! Great job on keeping your cool! I understand with the feeling great one week and feeling like you are failing the next, it's not easy to distance but it's easier when you have hobbies, distractions, etc.
I'm really having a tough time today. With all the commotion this week I'm all up in my nerves. I could not sleep last night. All I can think about is him and worrying that he is gone for good.
His mother contacted me last night. It's the first that I had heard from her since I had to call off from the new job. She is very obviously upset. She was wondering why I have backed off. I told her it's nothing to do with her, it's just that I'm not with her son anymore and it's clear that he is not coming back. I probably should not have said that. But part of me is still very upset about the posterior that they have put me in. She doesn't seem to understand how real it is that I can lose my job over this.
I'm sure that didn't help me being upset. I feel like this last week has ruined my chances of getting him back. Between my having a meltdown and then the job thing I just don't know.
I'm a nervous wreck.
Thought I'd stop in a give an update. Since my last post a few things have happened. Seems like every week there is something new. Well, after his mom could no longer watch the baby I had to find a sitter. A friend offered to do it as she was staying home with her newborn. So he went there the Sunday after his mother bailed on me I was having a rough time so I had called him and said I needed to talk with him. He came over that night and we talked until close to 130 in the morn. It was a very good talk. We were very open. I felt as though we were on a good track to reconciling. We had a good week talking every day. Wednesday comes and my friends baby got sick with RSV. So... again I have to find a new sitter. Me and him are getting along and talking. He mentions maybe getting a nanny when he moves home. I was surprised he had me tinned moving back, as on Sunday he had said he wanted to take it slow. By Friday he wasn't calling as much. Saturday I was texting and Saturday night I go to a movie myself. I told him this and he was a jerk about it. I told him I had never felt more alone. Sunday comes and I'm asking him some wuestions of random importance and he's texting right back and forth. I update him that I found a sitter and tell him her pay rate. I then ask if he is planning on moving back. SILENCE. Never responded to any more texts, which were only 3 more. He ends up dropping some money in the mailbox and doesn't even alert me.
I text him Monday morn that I wasn't sure what had happened that I thought everything g was going well and that I would t be reaching out anymore. He responds that it was late and he forgot. I have not contacted him since.
I'm really upset. Really defeated. I don't u derstand how he can go from one day to the next feeling differently. I'm not sure if he is really over it but I am sure that there really is nothing that I can do to change his mind. He told me he's in no hurry and I believe him. However I can't keep playing these heads games. It's literally killing me. I can't risk my new job and kids for this anymore. I feel like he just walked away from everything and has left it on me. He rarely sees the baby anymore at this point.
Is there any hope for this?
Hello Loves77, DBing means it is not over until you say it is over. Based on what you are saying I would recommend that you stop the pursuit. I myself am a learner in this aspect so I am working on it, but the more space we give them the closer they are drawn and it seems to have worked for so many others here. How old is the baby? I have my own at 6 months and another at 3.5 yrs, being a mother of small children makes this whole thing that much harder. Make sure he is involved with the child though, he needs to be a father first. Drop the child with him or have him baby sit and do not let your job suffer. Financial stability and child care come before any DBing according to me, those are for survival.
Thanks for the response. And distance is my only option at this point. I can't force him to come home. Or try to work things out. It's really difficult at this point. We have talked enough that I think he knows that the only way to work out is to try. But the thought seems to scare him off. Typically when I pull back he will reach out but I think he is aware that this is coming to a head so to speak. As frustrated as I get I can honestly say that I do think that he is upset by all of this. I don't think that he doesn't care is completely done. He just doesn't want to put any effort in. Doesn't seem to want to make any commitment. But doesn't want me to move on either.
I know we are both tired. I know I am at least. I'm so alone. It's frustrating.
Remember Sandis rule - Never give up. We are all cheering you on . Stay strong and good luck on your journey.
I'm not sure how you all do it. Every hour I feel different. Sad. Mad. Bitter. Over it. Hopeful. Confident. Regretful. All of it. Ugh.
I'm not sure how you all do it. Every hour I feel different. Sad. Mad. Bitter. Over it. Hopeful. Confident. Regretful. All of it. Ugh.
It's so exhausting isn't it? I have those same feelings you do, even when I work on myself and distancing. Today H asked me how I'm feeling because he knows I have a cold. I wanted so badly to ask, "What do you care? You left."
I'm so sorry you're going through this crap too, it truly [censored] and I wish there was help and advice that makes the hurt fade a bit so we can make sense of this nonsense.
No crap. I'm straight loony toons over this mess. I always get this way when I haven't heard from him all week. I know people say ignoring them works but I'm not so sure.
I'm not sure how you all do it. Every hour I feel different. Sad. Mad. Bitter. Over it. Hopeful. Confident. Regretful. All of it. Ugh.
We've all been there. It really is an emotional roller-coaster ride. No better way to describe it. Highest of highs, lowest of lows, and everything in between.
But you have to keep getting out of bed and face the day. Also this is why GAL is so important. Keep your mind occupied.
Loves77, You're doing great, even though it feels like crap. ((hugs))
The worst part for me is his two step forward one step back, or when he dumps crap on me when he sees that I'm doing okay and being positive. Does yours do that too? It's so hard to ignore but the books help put things in perspective.
Well, honestly I felt like I messed up. A month ago he was coming around and progress was being made. At the time, I told him I couldn't be his friend like that. So I'm feeling like that might have been a mistake. But I can't go back now ya know? Since I started work it feels like every week some crazy scenario blows up. It stresses us both out. He closes down when stressed. So that make it harder on me when I do t hear from him. I think in the times where I'm upset I think it's just soooooo over but when I look at the big picture, he really does stay in the picture. It might not be to the level I want right now but I know that he hasn't completely let go. I think he's stressed and confused just as much as I am.
I sent him a pic of the baby yesterday. We texted back and forth some and confirmed Father's Day times. Today I asked him about a scenario involving a friend and getting a job where he works. Some back round - another person applied for the position and got the job. That person messaged me telling me about it, -and was asking if we were still together. I just avoided the question. I did however let him know that the other person, not our friend, got the job. He ended up asking why he was messaging me. And that he didn't remember me and that person being friends like that. I'm thinking that he was jealous. Lol.
So.... hopefully I can hang on some more. It's just so hard.
I'm having a rough day. I always think that time will help. I feel like I'll never get out of this funk. I just want him to come home. I don't feel like I will ever be able to move on until he comes back. Im just so emotionally upset and just through daily motions of getting by. I don't get how just a month ago he was telling family about coming home and even last week was mentioning it to me. How can it just flip lie that? 😭😭😭
don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. look for consistent continuous behavior.
I thought today would be rough. But it really hasn't been. Even though I've been on so many roller coasters lately, I feel in my heart that he loves me and will be coming home soon. I don't know why I feel this way, I just do.
He texted this morn asking about pick up. I texted back Happy Father's Day and a bit of an emotional text. I did it and he didn't respond to quickly back but he did a lil later saying it made him teary eyed. With a heart after it.
He picked the baby up a couple hours later and my youngest gave him
A card and a gift. I can tell his feeling a little emotional today.
I might just be getting my hopes up. But I was feeling this way this weekend. I just feel like he's thinking about it more. Even though he ignores me. Smh.
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2797460#Post2797460