My husband is in the throes of a midlife crisis (he’s 51 years old) – it’s 6 months since he informed me of an ongoing affair with a younger girl (it’s been going on for around 9 months now), she is 24 years old. We have been married for 25 years and up until this time we have always faced whatever life threw at us together. In hindsight, over the last year he has done all the common midlife crisis things – anger, going out with a much younger crowd, recently spending money (mostly on his affair partner), drinking etc. After he told me about the affair he moved out and moved his job to another town. He said he was confused and couldn’t choose between us as he cared for us both. I made it clear that I could not be in a relationship with him while he was still in a relationship with the affair partner. Our contact over the last 6 months has been limited and at times very emotional – also he is quite unresponsive and refuses to discuss anything in relation to our marriage. He has rewritten history and says that our marriage has been unhappy for the last year. I honestly don’t recognise the man I see in front of me – he is tearful, anxious, and emotional. He doesn’t want to work on our marriage even though I have told him that I still love him and want our marriage to work; over the last few months he hasn’t shown any commitment to me (his commitment appears to be to his affair partner as he is taking her out for meals etc.). I have deliberately not pressured him into making a choice and don’t ask him anything about his affair but I do know that she has moved her job to the town where my husband is working so I am assuming that it is still in full swing and that they are planning to move in together (into a house we jointly own). Throughout this entire time, I have managed to maintain my dignity and self-respect but it has been really hard and I have been through a rollercoaster of emotions which has affected me physically and mentally. I have read a lot about midlife crisis and am aware that there is no “quick fix” to it. 4 weeks ago, after having a period of “no contact” with him (my choice due to ongoing stress levels and I wanted to give him some space and time), I decided that the only way through this for both of us was to let go of him so he can find his own path forward (and I can find mine). I met with him and explained that because I love and respect him, I need to accept his decision to walk a different path to me and as such I am letting him go so he can be happy and live his life the way he is choosing (but that the door is open for him to return at a later stage if he so wishes). I have asked him to consider buying me out of the own jointly owned home or selling it as I need to buy my own home (also he has had her staying in the house with him so it has been difficult for me to feel comfortable there). Although we have separated he hasn’t yet asked for a divorce (he has never told me that our marriage is over and continues to tell me that he loves me) and I am not planning to ask him for one either as I am still hoping for a reconciliation.
I have learnt a lot about myself over this time and have grown in so many ways – I have a new job which will require me to move a fair distance away from him (I need to get away from everything familiar to gain control), I have done all the practical things like finances, legal advice etc. so I am trying to move forward as much as I can.
What I would like to know from you is
· do you think letting him go was the right thing as I am doubting this decision? ( I guess I fear that he won’t come back)
I am planning to move jobs and accommodation in the next few weeks – I haven’t yet told him that this is what is happening – do you think I should tell him? (He is able to reach me if he wants as he has my phone number)
I guess any other advice/suggestions will be appreciated.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sorry you are here.
I feel like you are devaluing yourself by saying "hey go enjoy your relationship with a girl half your age. I will just wait right here for you till you have your fun or she dumps your ass for someone her age. But not until after you spend our savings (and kids savings?) on trips and jewelry for her"
You have given him permission and why?
Why are you worth so little?
Get some pride and take your life back in a way thats gonna make you feel good. If you dont respect yourself he never will. No one will. And by allowing that, you are not respecting yourself.
Evaluate why you would even want a man capable of that back in your life. Im assuming you have been a loyal and faithful wife? Thats worth a lot. And there are many good men out there that will appreciate it.
I would never date a man that did that to his wife. He is not a prize you should be trying to win back. He is disloyal and uncommitted.
Sorry you are here. I know it [censored] and hurts. Here are my answers:
· do you think letting him go was the right thing as I am doubting this decision? ( I guess I fear that he won’t come back)
Yes it was the right decision. He is already gone. Letting him go was for you, not for him. You need to look at it that way. He may come back, he may not, you have no control over that. But letting him go was you taking control of you! Good job, it is a hard thing to do.
I am planning to move jobs and accommodation in the next few weeks – I haven’t yet told him that this is what is happening – do you think I should tell him? (He is able to reach me if he wants as he has my phone number)
No don't tell him, just do it. Letting him go means you no longer initiate conversations about logistics. If he contacts and asks you can tell him then.
As far as other advice? Continue to detach. Work on you. Find ways to stay busy, get active. Find new friends or connect with old ones. GAL that only an idiot would be willing to walk away from.
It also struck me that his AP is 24 and you've been married for 25 years. Good grief. What could he possibly have in common with a 24 year-old?!?
You are so right, Steve85, I let him go for me because I respect myself enough to accept that I cannot fix him and that by continuing to be manipulated by him was doing so much damage to my confidence and self esteem. Detaching is the hardest (but the best) thing I have ever done (I'm still working on it) and some days I have a lot of self doubt but it is getting better. Actually, I find that having no contact is the best thing but it's difficult when there are practical issues to resolve.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So, today I had an email from my H and it was a real angry one..... blaming me for wanting to sell the house, he said that my friends were "feeding me fantasies" about what was going on in his life (about the OW moving in as I have been reliably informed that she resigned and has a job in the town where we have our joint home, she has moved her animals up there so no doubt she is living in the house with him), he said that because he has to pay for the mortgage, his boat loan, car loan and the insurance policies, that he doesn't have any money and now thats my fault to (he isn't looking at what he has been spending on her). He said that I am choosing not to share any personal information with him and that he hopes that I would tell him if I need anything and so it went on and on - he is very angry .........This is the first time I have felt the wrath of the his anger - I haven't responded to him yet and I plan to email him back with a one liner ......"I am so sorry you feel this way........" and that's all I am going to say - as someone wise once said "you can't argue with silence" - forgive me I cant remember the source. I intend to continue to have my dignity and self respect.
Why cant he see his own situation clearly - we wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for his decisions and behaviour - I guess it's easier to avoid rather than face responsibility - although for the first time I get the feeling that reality is kicking in........maybe the AP is starting to put the pressure on him......... and I continue to Stand" ............thoughts or advice anyone??
Anger is a common response to letting go, detaching, and LRT. The WAS is always wanting to keep one finger of control over the LBS. When that control is slipping away, they will often panic. Anger is a common result of that panic.
You are doing great. Check out the validation thread for some good, validating responses that will keep the DBing going on your side.
So, after getting an angry email (read previous post for info), this morning I get another email saying that he realises that time has moved on since we last saw each other and a lot has happened in that time (yes.....I moved my belongings of our home (he had been taking her there)and asked him to either sell the house or put it on the market after hearing that his OW had moved her job and animals up to the town where our home is....I assumed that she would be moving in (not rocket science is it???). Anyway, back to my current dilemma.......he then said that he hopes I will be able to communicate with him on a more personal level which I apparently have been avoiding since I moved my belongings out (did he expect me to be friendly and happy - I have communicated by email in a civil but business like manner about practical aspects). He then went on to say that he's not sure when I will be ready to see him again (if ever) and that he is available to meet up if it would help to discuss things face to face......
So here's my dilemma ........trust - I'm not sure what his motive is (so sad to be suspicious of someone you were married to for 25 years) but after all this time he hasn't ever really initiated a meeting with me and I am wary of being manipulated by him - I am scared of being hurt again and am reluctant to meet with him unless he is willing to discuss his feelings and our relationship (the last 2 occasions he has basically been unresponsive and refused to discuss anything which has been a waste of time). On the other hand, I want to keep the lines of communication open as I still want a choice of reconciliation in the future......
What are your thoughts on setting the boundaries by telling him that I will only meet with him if he is willing to discuss his feelings and our relationship (I have said how I feel a million times and am worried that he is "baiting" me)? Also do you think he is "cake eating" or is he looking for reassurance as I have never been assertive before and I get the feeling that he is unsure of where things stand ( I haven't seen him for 4 weeks and have not initiated any contact). Its to early for re-connection (although he has never let me go) and I am stronger than I was but I feel I need to handle the situation with finesse.........please help........
I think he is temperature checking. The truth is, if a walkaway wants you back they are going to walk through coals to do so. They will make it happen.
Piecing would never work unless they did.
I find that they also want what they cant have. So if you tell him "i only want to meet with you if you are ready to talk about reconciling with me and our relationship", you are telling him that you are right there waiting for him. Dont do that. Keep your value high.
If you do meet him, you need to keep it casual. No relationship talk. Jus logistics. Act as if. You have a lot of great things going for you. Remember that... its his loss. And hes the one that will lose out on the long run. Not you.
Please read marving's post in mlc. Its happening. Eyetie was an old poster here who had cancer and his wife left. As soon as he healed and moved on and truly got a life, she wanted him back. (He no longer wanted her though) read bluwave also. It wasnt until she moved on and gave up that he wanted her back.
Their affairs need time to fizzle out. Amd you need time to grieve and really examine your relationship.
I really think that the way we hold on, is to avoid the grieving. But our marriages are dead. And you have to face it before reconciliation can begin. It puts you in a ppsition of strength.
Its a really lengthy process.
Hi JujuB
Thanks for your post.....I agree with everything you have said......I am starting to think that I shouldn't meet with him....the thought of it stresses me out so perhaps not engaging with him is best. I can't find those posts you recommended....can you point me in the right direction??
I really think that the way we hold on, is to avoid the grieving. But our marriages are dead. And you have to face it before reconciliation can begin. It puts you in a ppsition of strength.
I'm just realising this now, 3 months into my sitch.
It sounds like you are on the right track 2surviv. Good luck!
Sorry this is going to sound like a rant but I really need to get this off my chest.
I think I might have blown it as I didn’t handle this situation very well at all. I saw my H last night and when he started talking about how nothing had changed for him, he just exists from day to day etc….. He started repeating everything he has said before (almost word for word – hadn’t been happy for a years, we had lost each other, doesn’t see how he can ever make me happy again etc.). I’m afraid I just saw red. It’s been 6 months of bottling things up and trying to be the calm sane one throughout this ongoing rollercoaster ride and last night was the last straw. So much for DB.......
I’m afraid I lost my cool and told him exactly how I feel about how he has treated me throughout these last 6 months – I don’t think I have mentioned this before but he actually asked me to meet the 24 year old OW (he’s 52), within the first month of telling me about his affair saying that if we met it would resolve things for him (I actually believed him and met with her - talk about me being stupid). Anyway I literally told him that I was aware that she was practically living in our jointly owned home with him and that they were very much together as a couple – he said that it was the OW who was “seeking” him so I informed him that he does have a choice in the matter and because he hasn’t done anything to stop his behaviour I have to assume that it’s what he wants. I asked him what he was doing coming to see me when he is obviously with someone else – he says he loves me (obviously he does that’s why he is not with me). I asked him if he loved the OW and he said “I don’t know”. I then asked him if she knows how he feels and he just sat and stared at me blankly without saying a word. Everything I talked about him saying in the past like “the OW is so easy to make happy” and “the OW dotes on me” he denied saying – he says he never said those things. Also when I met with the OW she told me that they made plans to live together – he says they were her plans not his, and that he wasn’t present when she said that. What the hell is the matter with him……it’s like he can’t remember anything.
I’m afraid I am emotionally at the end of my tether with him – I seem to get nowhere and we go backwards and forwards. So against my better judgement, I asked him to file for divorce – believe me it’s not something I want, but he obviously isn’t coming back so what is the point of continuing with this and I don’t feel like I can realistically move on until I have closure. I also once again asked him to sell our house or buy me out (another thing he still hasn’t sorted yet).
Despite this all being against the advice about how to manage a MLC I have received on this forum, I just couldn’t stop myself and I must admit, at the time it felt good to open up about the way I was feeling – even though I know he probably doesn’t care and it did get emotional – he was crying and so was I. He wanted to hold me and I said no. I asked him to tell me our marriage is over – he said he couldn’t do that and that I would always be in his life at which point I said that I would be making that choice. He admitted that he was still with the OW so I said I would show him the door and told him that I didn’t want to see him again while he was still involved with her (he grabbed me and held me tight saying that we would see each other again and that I needed to believe that he loves me and misses me so much and could I think about whether we could see each other again).
I guess my frustration and anger had to come out at some point but today it all seems so futile and I am losing the will to keep going especially after I said all those things to him – trust me I haven’t covered half of it in this post. Believe it or not I still believe in my marriage and would do everything it takes to make it work but I feel like I am battling this alone and quite frankly I am tired of it all. The only positive thing is that I am moving away in less than 2 weeks to a new job, new house and hopefully a new start (he is unaware of this – I think it will do me good to just disappear and get away). In the meantime I am in need of any advice and support you wise folk are able to offer……..
Your subject, rollercoaster, drew my attention. That was my experience two years ago when I was going through all this.
First of all, you didn't blow it. We all make mistakes, plenty of them. It's not the end.
Second, my W and I got back together because her affair was doomed from the start. Just like your H and the OW. It won't last, so just sit tight and be the woman he's be a fool to leave. You'll look better while OW will start making mistakes.
My W also told me she missed me all the time. Sit tight and keep going. It will require patience on your part. Lots of it.
How far away are you moving? I'd say, let him know. Not as a ploy but because it's a fact. I haven't read your whole story, so I'm confused about how you can be doing this, but don't think of it as a strategy, just as a fact that he, as your H, should know.
Your current marriage may be dead, but don't lose hope that this could turn around! My situation did. If you can afford it, get a DB coach. I got such good advice from my coach.
Thank you all for your support and feedback – I am so encouraged by everyone’s positivity (not hopeful and I expect nothing) and a part of me remains realistic about the possible outcome. And the drama continues and I continue to be angry and unsettled……
After me speaking my mind the other night (see previous post), I received an email from him saying that his thoughts are all over the place and that he can’t make sense of or accept where we are. He says that we lost each other somehow and for some length of time over the end of 2016 and into 2017 (why didn’t he tell me???) and then he goes on to say that he reached beyond our marriage, in belief that I had stopped wanting to see us (and again I am blamed for his choices!!!).
He says he can’t take it back and he knows it can’t be forgotten and that he doesn’t see a way to make me happy in the future (he doesn’t really want to try either…!!!). He says he cares deeply for me and is horrified by the pain he has caused and that he is unable to tell me that it is over between us but if it will me move on then he will contact a lawyer this week (blame again???)
He finishes it off by saying that despite what his actions suggest, he will never move me out of his heart (yeah right……that’s why he is living with someone else!!!)
What I don’t get is why he just doesn’t walk away and live the life he has obviously chosen – I have given him every opportunity to walk away from our marriage and call it a day (something else he could blame me for if he chose to) but he won’t. The way I see it, is that at least I have a fantastic new job (promotion) and a new place to stay so I am moving out of the area - I am doing this for ME and my sanity as I have to continue my journey (alone for the time being) and find myself again.
so.....On it goes. I received anther email from WH last night saying that he has been thinking endlessly about what I said when I saw him last (when I gave him a piece of my mind). He says that it is apparent to him that our lines of communication have been confused (mine haven’t) as he believed that I didn’t want to hear from him and that he was worried about the pain his communication would cause. He goes on to say that he hasn’t yet found a lawyer to file for D but that the mortgage company has agreed for him to buy me out but that he isn’t sure what I would believe would be in my best interests (??? As if he really cares!!). Also, he says that he would like to increase his communication with me and not only about practical matters. He says that he never intended his leaving to be seen as abandonment but rather as protection from harm (yeah sure!).
I mean what on earth is he trying to do – I continue with the no contact and have not responded to this email or the previous one. I am so tired of it all……..
Hey folks.......I am having a bad day today - feel emotional and full of self doubt about what I am doing. Everything I am doing feels "alien" to me i.e. the no contact, the no sharing of my thoughts and feelings but most of all the fact that I haven't told him that I have another job and am moving away (about 300 kms). I feel like I am almost giving up on my marriage when its the last think I want to do. I just don't see any other option at the moment other than to make a life for myself (by myself for the time being). Logically I know this is the right thing to do but emotionally it feels so wrong especially since I feel like I am playing games which isn't me and I'm lying by omission. In need of expert advice and support.........
From an outsiders point of view, you are 100% right in that all you can do is make a life for yourself.
Why are you doubting taking a job that is right for you and moving away, which also seems beneficial to you? What exactly are you afraid of? Writing this out might make you feel better.
I feel like your ex's coversations with you are just meant to confuse you so that you will remain his plan B and nothing more. If you become his plan b, he will not value you. You will not value you.
Keep your pride. So far you are doing great.
If they want to return they will move heaven amd earth to do so. (Thats also the only way piecing would actually work) He is not doing that at all. Hes just feeding you some weird nonsense to confuse you, and alleviate his guilt.
If he does return you need to be in a position where you know you are not taking him back because of fear of the unknown. So embrace your unknowm. Put yourself in a position of strength. (This takes time)
What games do you feel like you are playing? What lies? I dont understand.
He left you for someone else. There is no more marriage. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything.
Love your self more. You are such a capable person. Of course there will be emotions involved. They will continue to be there for years and years. Just keep focusing on you. Do what is in your best interest. Dont let him keep you down. Remember who he is and what his actions have been. And remind yourself of who you want to be.
How would you advise a daughter, or a sister, or your best friend if they were living your current life?
And so it goes.....received a text today asking if I received his email from last week (received 2 last week ) and if I did I obviously am choosing not to respond and if I didn't could I let him know so that he can resend it. Guess what - I haven't responded - this NC is keeping me sane - am I being cruel for feeling this way????
First let me say that I think your post up above about your boiling point with H is something that needed to happen. It's not something suggested in DB'ing, but when you're dealing with the worst kind of cake-eating WAH like you are then you've absolutely got to draw a line in the sand or it'll just go on forever. He MUST feel he will lose you before anything will change, and if you sit around letting that sitch continue then he will be happy to keep right on cake-eating. So don't beat yourself up, I think it needed to happen and it sounds like you handled it well enough. Sounds like you were firm without being overly angry towards him. It takes a lot of strength to do what you did, you should feel good about it!
Second...
And so it goes.....received a text today asking if I received his email from last week (received 2 last week ) and if I did I obviously am choosing not to respond and if I didn't could I let him know so that he can resend it. Guess what - I haven't responded - this NC is keeping me sane - am I being cruel for feeling this way????
THAT IS NOT CRUEL!!! The whole idea of NC IS to keep you sane! It takes you off his crazy roller coaster ride. You are doing the right thing, just keep ignoring his ridiculous texts. All he's doing is damage control, he's trying to bring you back in line as Plan B. HOLD YOUR GROUND. If anything just send him something extremely short like "message received".
I know this all hurts and is confusing, but you are taking the right approach. You got his attention and that's why he keeps texting.
I know we shouldn't dwell or focus on the OW/AP but does anyone ever wonder what life is like for the MCLer with their new choice - this is something I really struggle with even though logically I know that I have no control over what WH does. Thoughts anyone??
I dont believe in the term MLCer. I think it takes a certain personality type to cheat, lie, betray, steal etc. I think we as LBS just never recognized it early enough. It sometines takes the weather to get unpleasant before it comes. I think of a lot of mlcers as fair weather partners.
I am aquaintances with a female walkaway. And she is honestly just annoyed and repulsed by her ex. Says she is not in love. And that she needs to be in love. She acknowledged that she was upset and cried to him when he found a new girlfriend. As soon as he offered to come back to her she realized she didnt love him.
Regarding the new guys in her life...they have to fit a certain looks and money criteria. She is usually happy at first and compares them favorably to her ex (looks and money) but gets upset cause they dont want to commit the way she wants then to. The 2nd one left his wife and small kids, but she doesnt see that. Or it doesnt bother her because he was no longer in love.
I suspect that if things do not work out in a way that is beneficial to her with any of the new guys, she will eventually go back to her ex. But it would be more out of convenience and because she is aging and the type of guy she is looking for might not take her seriously long term.
If your husband has a lot of money, i am sure he will attract a certain type of younger woman. I dont think certain men mind this. Some of them feel they are living the life and feel entitled to that. Look at all these smug politicians. Ugh.
As a female, i would never want that type of guy though. I woukd want soneone more substantial.
What type of man would you want?
I am on the move - moving house today to about a 3 hours drive away from my WH, starting a new job at the beginning of April and I get to live in a new cottage (and he doesn't know a thing about it). I am on the up up up......leaving him behind in the dust with his bimbo OW. Good riddance........
This sounds great. Just stay strong. Know that there is a lot of hard feelings to deal with up ahead. Anger, grief, resentment, regret, doubt.
Just remember you had no choice in any of this. Your ex unilaterally made this decision and now you have to just play the best you can with the hand you were dealt.
I know you are gonna come up on top.
Just lots of self care. And get yourself into a position of strength right now.
"Become that person only a fool wpuld leave" thats for you, not him.
Hi everyone
I haven’t posted for a while due to moving to a new house, moving half way across the country and sorting out my new accommodation (and the lack of internet access). However here I am, still in one piece and my cottage is fabulous. I can’t say the move was emotionally easy – believe it or not leaving my WH behind (with the unresolved issues that go with that) was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, it still feels so surreal that I have managed to move to a new life without his knowledge/input (how can I feel guilty about not telling him after all he has put me through????) . Nevertheless, I have come so far thanks to a lot of support and good advice from all of you out there in the “virtual DB world”.
In terms of my WH – I have informed him that I have moved (I needed him to sort out some of the bills which were in his name). He knew I was moving but thought it was somewhere local and not out of area (he still doesn't know where I am). I got a rely back saying thanks for informing him that I have moved, and he hopes I am happy in my new flat (yeah right…). It was a rather curt text - sounded pissed off/angry – probably because I didn’t take him up on the offer to help me move and he no longer knows anything about what’s happening in my life. Since then all I have had is silence – not a single piece of communication which is very strange for him as he contacted me sometimes up to 3 times a week. On the one hand it has raised some feelings of uncertainty/insecurity about what’s going on with him (and his bimbo OW) and then on the other it’s been quite nice for me and I am certainly a lot less stressed about things as I slowly become more detached from the situation. I know that moving was the best thing for me but I did think that I would feel happier in myself but I guess I just need to give it TIME…
Although I feel strong, self-doubt still raises its ugly head every now and then as I come to terms with how my life has changed so drastically in the last 6 months since BD – its hard to believe sometimes. I am still struggling with depression and am on anti-depressants which have helped hugely, and I still can’t really eat properly (he told me I was obese). Ok…enough self-pity and ranting…….
Sounds like you're in a great place! All the feelings you expressed are totally normal and do get better with time. I suspect your healing will be much quicker now that you're removed from that terrible sitch. Good luck!
More newcomers should be reading your post because you are doing awesome. Seriously.
Hi everyone
Quick update – still hit and miss with internet access so bear with me – this should be sorted by next week……on the practical side, I have started my new job, my new accommodation is working out fine (WH still unaware of where I am) and am slowly getting to a place of balance and peace. On the emotional side, I am not doing so great…….I received I long rambling email from my WH about how hard done by he is and how he is unable to abandon his OW - he stated that she has had catastrophic upheaval in her life too (as if I care) and that she has chosen to make him the focus of how to deal with this – he says that this is a mystery and a surprise to him (really…..talk about having your ego stroked) and also how he will leave no legacy behind, how hard his working life is …blah, blah blah (it was all very depressing). In amongst all the ramblings was a sentence stating that the only way forward is to accept divorce, but he still wants to be involved in my life (asked about my accommodation, am I secure, and I taking care of myself, how he will always love me and maybe we can meet up in the future and laugh about the great times we had….). He ended with a patronising comment at the end of the email saying I should take my time to respond and no doubt there will be questions and confusion…..
I don’t want a divorce at this stage (even though I know many of you would not agree with this, for me personally I think it’s all a bit soon – to many changes in my life to quickly and it would be a knee jerk reaction rather than one which is based on logical thought)). I thought I could email him back and say that if this is what he really wants then he needs to proceed and that I will not have any further contact with him ever again – if it’s over then it’s over – there will be no going back, and everything can be negotiated through solicitors. I want to make it clear to him that this course of action is entirely his choice and that I am not in agreement with his decision but have no option but to accept it. I haven’t yet responded and would appreciate any advice or opinions on how to proceed……..help………
His letter is kind of typical WAH scripted garbage. I wouldn't pay much attention to it.
I don’t want a divorce at this stage...
With this in mind I would say...
I thought I could email him back and say that if this is what he really wants then he needs to proceed and that I will not have any further contact with him ever again – if it’s over then it’s over – there will be no going back, and everything can be negotiated through solicitors. I want to make it clear to him that this course of action is entirely his choice and that I am not in agreement with his decision but have no option but to accept it.
... scrap all this. Just do not reply at all. If you don't want a D then don't bother replying. Your silence will eat at him more than any reply you might send. So let it eat at him. Let him wonder what you're up to. Let him wonder what kind of amazing new life you're building without him. Let him start to miss you.
I understand that this is a reconciliation forum. And the advise offered by MWD and many of the posters is wonderful when your marriage needs help.
Its not wonderful advise when you are being abused, gaslighted, or betrayed. (Although there are some codependent and masochistic people on here that will say otherwise)
Cheating is a form of abuse.
But he did not just cheat on you. He left you and chose another woman. He is now writing sentimental BS to you so that he can keep you on a string. He wants 2 women fighting for him. That serves his ego. And if hes going after women that young, its all about ego.
Dont go back to him. This woman has done you a big favor. She took an uncommitted and disloyal partner. She won no prize and you only lost someone undeserving of your loyalty.
If things dont work out between him and 25 year old, he will come back to you (hes setting it up so he can) and he will do it again. Cause that is who he is. Our forums are filled with people whose spouses returned only to eventually do it again.
Do you want to be back here older and with less options? Maybe next time he will plan ahead and wipe out the assets. He will be more experienced.
I know. This is hard sh!t to accept. It forces us to grieve. And no one wants to grieve when there is hope. No one wants to face up to the fact that the person they married was not who they thought they were. Its hard coming to terms with it. Its hard coming to terms that the person you loved and trusted is really a narcissist. Or sociopath. And trust me they are.
MLC is BS. Its a term that people that are capable of love use to project onto their spouses because they cant comprehend cruelty. They need something to sxplain the "how could they"
Write him back only when it concerns logistics. If you say "if this is what you really want" you are giving him all the power. Those few lines tell him that you are waiting for him. They show him that you are willing to be 2nd choice.
These are my thoughts.
Get into a stronger place emotionally right now. Build a new life. Put yourself in a position of strength.
You are already ahead of the game.
Thank you all for the great advice and support – I have finally arrived at a place where I have totally detached and stepped aside from his ongoing game playing. I have found the courage to respond to his email (sent it on Friday). I ignored all the ramblings about his life, OW, wanting to stay in touch etc. and concentrated only on what I wanted to say which consisted on the following (and I quote)
“I am saddened about how you are choosing to unilaterally end our marriage I will not accept divorce as my choice - I don’t believe it is a solution to our current situation or the right outcome in the long term for either of us. I cannot describe the way it feels to know that you have chosen to abandon me, our family, our marriage and our future life together. But I understand that it’s time for me to accept the futility of continuing to fight for our marriage and a reconciliation that you don’t want at this present time. I believe any ongoing contact with you will only add to the great amount of pain, hurt and damage to an already severely harmed relationship. Therefore, this will be my last direct personal communication and contact with you. You are choosing, by your actions and words, to no longer be a part of my life by wanting divorce, and I will respect that choice. Consequently, I can longer share any part of my life with you and at this present time I do not wish to see you or hear from you. Your choice to end our marriage in divorce is yours alone, I do not intend to invest any interest or time into something I do not want; as such you must proceed along that chosen path and any further communication and negotiation between us can be done via solicitors”.
What does everyone think – should I have been harsher???? I know he doesn’t deserve to be treated with any respect or kindness, but my intention is to keep things civil so that when the divorce goes through I cannot be accused of being the “crazy, spiteful, malicious ex-wife”. I know it’s a bit late to be asking for any input into the content of the email I sent him, but I would appreciate your thoughts anyway…….
It’s funny but I feel relieved – even though my intention at this stage is to do nothing but wait to see what he does, I feel like I have control over the situation and will get stronger with the NC. I know many of you have rightly asked about financial security, legal advice etc – I have previously sought legal advice (on 2 separate occasions) so I am aware of my rights and I have a lawyer lined up for when he files for divorce; I separated our finances back in December 2017 and we no longer have any joint accounts/credit cards – everything is in our own individual names and I am financially fairly secure (better than he is). The only thing we still share is our mortgage (which he is paying) and I need to keep it that way as it needs negotiating as part of the divorce. As most of you are aware I have relocated (out of the area where this all happened) and have started a new job (he remains unaware of this and thinks I am still where he left me) so in many ways I have already started a new life (its just hard to let go of the old one but I guess that will just take time). Thank you all for the ongoing support, wise words and feedback – it is invaluable to me.
Quick update…….so after sending that email to him on Friday, I received a text yesterday saying that he had received it but had not yet read it – he was intending to read it this morning…….what on earth was the point of that???????
The truth is, if a walkaway wants you back they are going to walk through coals to do so. They will make it happen.
Piecing would never work unless they did.
This seems obvious now that you say it, that piecing would never work unless the WAS was willing to do whatever it takes. But as obvious as it seems now, it answered a question/thought that I had. As I wait for my H to come back around, I keep thinking to myself that even if he changes his current position, he'd never be willing to do what it takes to mend the damage he's done.
I really think that the way we hold on, is to avoid the grieving.
Great food for thought....
A woman half his age huh? Doesn't seem like that could possibly last long, like another poster said, what could they possibly have in common??
You'll get lots of good support and advice here, these boards are an amazing resource to help you walk through these waters much more intentionally than we would probably be able to otherwise.
Thank you for your welcome replies. Some feedback I have had from friends and colleagues have suggested that my response may have been a bit on the punitive side, so I have done some serious reflection today on the content of the email and why I have asked for no contact except through solicitors. I am just so tired of it all - the ups and downs - the waiting for the contact he initiates (or not) - it’s like being permanently in a state of unpreparedness - one minute I get a text stating how "my nobility fills his heart with respect and regret - regret for what he has lost through his actions and selfishness and then next he's talking about divorce. I think I have done everything I can to try and save my marriage - honestly, I don't know how you amazing women (and men) have stood by for years while this has continued. I know it sounds like I am giving up but with everything else that's going on right now I can’t afford to dwell on him. I haven't heard anything from him since the crazy text message following the email I sent and I don't quite know how I feel about that - I guess a part of me hopes he will contact me because it fills me with hope (false hope that he still loves me) but I do realise that at this stage the best thing I can do is let it go - he is choosing to be with his AP and I have to learn to accept that. The NC is very hard for me but I do find the longer it goes on the easier it gets......so I will let things unfold as they should and in the meantime try find some peace and solace in believing that for me things will start getting a little easier but for him things will start getting a little harder......... . Thoughts anyone???
2surviv, I understand completely. I was once in an on again, off again relationship. Sometimes she'd go weeks without contacting me. It was easier as it got longer. Then she contact me, and I'd have that initial excitement. But then the next long period of silence would commence and I would feel terrible about the temporary contact that we had.
Hang in there, time heals all wounds. Only you know when enough is enough. Likely he will come to despise the AP. No way can someone "half his age" keep a healthy relationship long-term.
There is no nobility to hanging on to a marriage in which your partner is cheating.
And i disagree 100% with calling those that are standing by their marriages with spouses that are cheating, and lying and gaslighting as amazing. Codependents maybe. Masochists definitly. Afraid of being alone? Yup. Afraid of grieving and moving forward? Check.
Personally, i think having the courage to pack your bags and leave and not tell him where you are is amazing!!!! I wish your post was read by more.
Your friends that think you were punitive are just wrong. Dead wrong. There are posters here that have contracted Stds. I have an acquaintance that found out she was hiv+ when pregnant. People whose Whose financial security has been sqandered, young kids that become anorexic or start cutting themselves, or are suicidal. All because one spouse is a narcissistic, lying selfish prick that needs a self esteem boost.
His continued appeals and contact is such B.S.. I hope you don't fall for it. Easy to because we want to believe. Just use no contact to get yourself into a position where any of your remaining fog is lifted and you can really see what happened without the emotions and continued grief. Think years not months.
Good partners, good people dont do what he did. You deserve someone that is as loyal as you.