Getting ready to move forward #2

Link to previous: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2777618#Post2777618

As we all know selling a house is not something that happens for free. I received a bill from our real estate agent on sunday. Sent a screenshot of it to W and stated that we need to pay this asap.
W: What the f is that? What one time commission? I don't have any f-ing money to pay that!
M: I can't pay it in whole either right now.
W: I didn't meant it like that.
And that was it. The bill was due yesterday and she hasn't transferred any money nor she hasn't replied when I asked her to. Isn't this nice.

Today W texted me about how the kids have been outdoors sledding. And that D7 went to her friends house. And how she really doesn't see them since she works late and has to go to dance practice. And that D7 wanted to sleep without nightlight etc.

Why is she texting me these? Do I respond to these in anyway?

P,

You are driving yourself crazy over analyzing these BS texts. Who knows probably to ensure you are still plan B.

No, do not respond.

Lh,

This was not about analysing. This was a question about the action. And more of a why the f does she need to inform me about these way. Not in a oh does this mean she is coming back way.

P,

More than likely she is doing it to keep you in the friend zone. If you don�t respond to unactionable texts she will eventually stop.

Lh,

That's what I though. And probably the fact the she can't really share the joy which happens with the kids with anyone else. I don't think the OM really gives a s**t about our kids going sledding the whole day or D7 sleeping without her nightlight on. This is one loss for her. Those messages were our daily habit. Now the're gone.

And what about GAL? I got promoted for 4 kyu in karate today. That's a happy thing to gling on.

Hi Petri, I get those kind of texts too and it�s been over 2 years since BD for me. The real things I get no response to, like bills, house sale, divorce paperwork but will often get these little kind of texts about the kids. As an example, the last one I got went like this:

W: Hello Si. Daughters cold seemed pretty bad this morning, but a day at home has done her a world of good. Snot is no longer so green.

It came on a Friday afternoon when I wouldn�t even see daughter until the following Tuesday..

I didn�t reply to it which is what I normally do with these types of messages.

And they just keep coming. It's like she's keeping these things from our M/family and discarding all the rest.

Had a great day! Got promoted in karate and went to the movies with the kids. More of this please.

Congrats on the promotion.

Don't respond to her texts unless she asks a question. Then use as few words as possible. She is trying to keep you emotionally attached to her.

I forget who it was that said the WW doesn't want to be your W, but she wants you to be her H. That's very true, except for the romantic stuff.

As for you seeing her personal things, stumbling over her shoes, etc.........maybe it would help if you out it all into one room that you don't have to enter. You can always pack it up.

This is one of my arguments about parents "nesting" while the kids remain in the family home. If you can't detach from seeing her everywhere you look, then it's best that you don't try the bird nesting plan for child visitation scheduling.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

I forget who it was that said the WW doesn't want to be your W, but she wants you to be her H. That's very true, except for the romantic stuff.

WOW! That is profound. So well worded. This is exactly the feeling I get from my WW. She wants no responsibility of being a wife (she'll even announce she is doing her wifely duty when she finally does something around the house), but wants me there to be her H. And as you said she wants no romantic stuff. That perfectly summed up my WW.

I can't pack her things in one room. She still lives there every other week.

I've been wondering why MIL has been so weird towards me for some time. As it appered she has known about Ws OM for a while now. And I believe that Ws sister knows too.

Ok guys and gals. I have no freaking idea what just happened. I feel a massive sense of gratitude for W. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. This is somewhat scary but also VERY liberating.

P,

It�s part of the roller coaster ride and the grief cycle. You may be in acceptance.

The cool part of all this is the fact that I'm actually smiling without pretending. This is something I need to grap on to.

Originally Posted By: petri

I've been wondering why MIL has been so weird towards me for some time. As it appered she has known about Ws OM for a while now. And I believe that Ws sister knows too.

And they are for it?! I don't get people.

If my daughter was doing what my wife is doing and I found out about it, she'd get an earful. And I would in no way, shape, or form support it.

Her mom is all in for her. Saying how brave she is rising against her man and not taking s*it. If you knew her ypu would understand. Not the sharpest pen...

Today I tried to talk to W about alimony. That didn't go so nice. I told her that I know she can't afford it so I could get it from public services but it has to be cpunted first that she really can't afford it. She went nuts. Saying how she will take the kids etc. I tried to ask her to calm down and read in thought what I just wrote. That didn't happen. So I ended the convo.

And a couple minutes later she texted about taking D7s phone to be repaired. Like any of the previous convo never happened.

Not alimony but child support...

Why would you initiate that type of conversation?

Because it is something that is coming up just around the corner. We can't go on without dealing with any of these. If she can't handle dealing with practical things, that's too bad. And I explained to her in freaking little detail that I'm not asking her for any money. B/c I know she doesn't have money to pay for child support. In Finland you get public alimony if another one can't pay for it. And that would take a load off her shoulders regarding money issues.

Quote:

Because it is something that is coming up just around the corner. We can't go on without dealing with any of these

I get it, I would just let her be the one to initiate it and take the lead especially if you are still standing and don't want a D. It could be considered as pressure.

Why would she initiate a convo about child support when she is the one who has to pay them?

Anyways...I checked the public child support system and they actually would take the money from her anyway even if she couldn't afford it. So I informed her about it and told her that I don't want to put her in a bad spot financially. B/c it wouldn't be fair to her in the end if she would lose even more money because of this.

I know that she is struggling financially. She's been getting letters from (couldn't find a word for it in English) an office that collects tax depts and court ordered depts. And that is NOT a good sign.

Quote:

Why would she initiate a convo about child support when she is the one who has to pay them?

Isn't that part of the D process and something your L etc. would work through? You initiated it, she got mad, nothing was accomplished so what's the point?

I never initiated 1 conversation about the D process with my W unless she brought it up.

Because we don't have L's. It's more common in Finland not to have Ls than to have them. Don't know why but that's the way it is.

Ok makes sense. So you bring it up, she doesn't want to talk about it and gets mad/changes the conversation. What forces her to discuss it or come to an agreement?

Nothing forces her. If she doesn't want to agree to anything and the child welfare officer can't come to a solution that both settle for...then we get Ls and go to court.

So why wouldn't you just wait to have this conversation with the child welfare officer?

B/c I like to give a heads up. If I give her a heads up she can process it in advance. But I'll obviously need to stop doing that.

I never initiated one conversation or brought anything up with my W about D or how we were going to proceed unless she initiated them first.

When she told me she was ready to move forward and file, I said cool, sounds good. Then she came back and wanted to sit down and discuss our next steps. So we arranged a time to discuss and we did. She then was the one who made the arrangements with the A, she did it, not me.

Do as you wish but IMO these types of talks put pressure on her and while they need to be discussed she should be the one to initiate and if she doesn't it sounds like there are mechanisms in place to help facilitate the conversations like the child welfare officers, etc.

W wants her own life now. I'm giving it to her. Maybe too easily. The only thing she has done is filing D. I've done all the rest. Should I stop doing it...?

I don't know what all you have done but I can say in general if you don't want a D then she should be doing all the work.

That type of stuff should be separate from your boundaries and the discussions you have had around your living arrangement. When my W wanted to move out in 3 months I told her to leave as soon as she could and within 3 weeks she was out. Once she moved out and we were separated and never initiated anything about our R or D.

I've have put the house for sale, arranged the meeting with child welfare officer, done calculations of our debts and assets and made agreements upon them. I've done too much!

I would just say in general if she wants the D she should be doing the work.

I agree. Her innerself told her to do this. As far as she has told me. Maybe my innerself is wanting a D b/c I'm doing all this?

Petri, I am getting to the point where I am starting to believe D is better than limbo.

I know sandi2 says NEVER GIVE UP. But after 2 months I am not sure how much longer I can take it.

Saying you want a D and actually following through with it are two different things. If your doing all the work your really helping to expedite the process thus making it easier on her or your asking questions about it which puts pressure on her as well. All pressure should be removed.

I was in limbo for 8 months. The more detached you get the easier it becomes but detachment is not a light switch. Some people think that just because they didn't have a conversation for 1 day that they are detached....it just doesn't work that way. Limbo is soul sucking if you do not get time, space and distance away from your spouse and really give yourself time to detach. IMO it is virtually impossible to detach if you see the person every day, communicate every day or try the in-house separation bit.

I never gave up in 8 months and hope is yours for as long as you want it to be. You just can't hold on to hope so tight that it impacts your ability to work on detaching.

Steve.

I've been in this limbo for nearly 7 months. Having BDs along the way. It's hard. It is something that tears our heart in tiny pieces. And I found this forum maybe too late. Then again maybe not. I have no choice than to move forward. I have to sell the house that is the only home my D7 has ever had. Do I want to? Of course not. I'm in the beginning of all of this. That is something these great people remind me of! If I'm early in this so are you! Even more than me.

You will not survive this. No. You are going to fight through this. Because you can. Because you have power within you that not all have. You are here now. That shows that you are willing to something about things. Nothing will change if YOU don't change.

W got a little emotional. She saw the pictures of our in the sales ad. Now she doesn't hate the house. She has good memories. She had anxiety about the debt, the work and worry. And that it hurts her to sell it.

Originally Posted By: Joseph9

IMO it is virtually impossible to detach if you see the person every day, communicate every day or try the in-house separation bit.

J,

I am going to disagree with you on that. Though I agree easier with limited to no contact detachment is still possible in house. I still live with my STBX sleep in the same bed and I am detached.

IMO detachment comes when you decide that you did everything you could do to save the marriage. You own up to contributing to the down fall of the marriage and then decide you love and value yourself to much to try to convince/guilt someone to be with you. When you do that you will suffer immensely when they don�t respond the way you want them to respond.

Ok ok ok. Ok......it can be done. You cant underestimate the power of meeting a beautiful young lady on the beach.

Originally Posted By: petri

W got a little emotional. She saw the pictures of our in the sales ad. Now she doesn't hate the house. She has good memories. She had anxiety about the debt, the work and worry. And that it hurts her to sell it.

Funny you mention this. One of the first wake-up items for my W was in her plan I would keep the house, and live here. My daughter would live with me (because she loves our house and property). When I told my wife "there is no way I can keep this house, too many memories" she began to argue with me.

I finally said: "It is not fair for you to want to move on with a new life and not expect me not to do the same."

Once she realized that her plan had holes, the delusion of its perfection started to unravel. Which is another reason I think she is still here.

Steve.

That's not happening with my W. Now it is time for me to walk away and shine a light. Maybe one day she will see the light and come back to us. That is what I have accepted now. I've done eveeything possible to try and save our marriage. She doesn't want it now. She is filled with resentment and anger. Beneath all of that there might be some warm feelings. Who knows, maybe one day they will emerge again. But that is not up to me.

On a sidenote. I've been reading the MLC forum. And I'm amazed how all that is just like our sitch. It's funny how WW and MLC follow prettty much the same script.

Lol. Not going lie that helps but I truly know my value and am working every day to get better and will let people enter my life and exit my life by their choice.

Quote:

I truly know my value and am working every day to get better and will let people enter my life and exit my life by their choice.

AMEN! I refuse to allow 1 woman in the sea of millions to have that much power over my emotions and self-worth!

There's one thing which is kind of funny but sad. When you think about what our WWs have done, and they don't think that we can't change ot that there never was love etc. Still after all that we are willing to stand and wait for them. Now what is greater love than that? And yet they don't give a f.

Petri, I've thought about that so many times.

At BD my XW told me one of my faults was that I didn't have any drive or ambition in life, and I didn't know how to go after things I wanted. About a month after BD (when I was still majorly pursuing), I asked her if she still felt the same way about me, considering how hard I was trying to save the M. She looked confused and obviously couldn't make the connection.

Those things they say at BD, it's all BS. It's just excuses to justify their decision and feelings. It's a smokescreen.

Holding.

Wow! That is the exact same thing that I heard at one point! This is so freaking weird. I know there is a script they follow but what I've read here...boy they REALLY do follow the script. Is there a magical agency which provides the script to them or what?

I read the Midlife for dummies. I laughed my a$$ off. It's all there. Apparently WWs use the exact same script. There was not much that I haven't heard or seen. And the beauty of all is that it should get even worse...

I think there must be an app that they all download.

I say that all the time to Dusty, since he and I went through almost the exact same thing, down to the same phrases and events happening within a week or two of each other. It was surreal.

It is a very bizarre and crazy world we live in...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2012722&page=1

there is some good discussion about this on the above thread.

Originally Posted By: petri

Still after all that we are willing to stand and wait for them. Now what is greater love than that?

P,

I am gonna challenge you to dig deep on this one. IMO like Holding you�re standing out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear you won�t find someone else. The thing is if you and your W were truly in love this wouldn�t be happening. If you truly loved and valued yourself you wouldn�t put up with your W having a f-buddy.

Now I see youre researching MLC so you can use that as an excuse to hold on even longer.

Take the focus off your W. Start doing the work on yourself and try to get a little better every day. Sorry to be so harsh but you deserve so much better.

Originally Posted By: LH19

If you truly loved and valued yourself you wouldn�t put up with your W having a f-buddy.

That's my point here! If this had happened say two years ago I would of kicked her out.

What comes to MLC, it's not about the wait. It's more about why. I know I should just let it go and focus on me. But that's just me. That's what I do. I work with people who have their minds twisted and totally f-ed up.

Day by day things go where they go. I move forward slow but steady.

Originally Posted By: LH19

I am gonna challenge you to dig deep on this one. IMO like Holding you�re standing out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear you won�t find someone else.

Man, now I'm getting 2x4s from LH in other people's threads.

Originally Posted By: Holding

Man, now I'm getting 2x4s from LH in other people's threads.

H, you can run, but you can't hide LOL

I really do love those 2x4s from LH.

I went MC yesterday by myself. It good that we have free MC here. We talked about the reasons for the D, my feelings about it and of course the MR itself. The therapist wondered if W even herself knows exatly why she wants the D or what it really means to have a D. And in the end of the session the therapist said that it would be good for W to go there and talk about things when she's ready. The therapist said that it seems there are issues she needs to deal with.

Couple of friends of mine wanted to make a bet with me. The bet is that W will beg for me to take her back by August 15. That's not going to happen so it would be easy to take on that bet.

P,

What would make her beg to get you back? What would be different?

LH,

Why is my spidersense tingeling? 2x4? Right now there is probably nothing that would make her beg to come back to me. But I do think that things would be different. Finally I know what is her love language, what was my part why we are here, I can tell her what I want from her for example. If these are what you mean? Or do you mean that am I the man she wants to be with?

Oh...the man I should be...

And LH.

It was a female friend of mine(Dx2) that said that she'll be willing to bet that W wants to come back within six months. I didn't say it.

P,

People especially friends are going to say things to you to try to make you feel better. As a human you will latch onto these statements because it makes you feel better and temporarily eases the pain you are feeling. Humans will do more to prevent pain then they will to seek pleasure.

It's highly unlikely but not impossible that your W is going to go through the destruction of your family and realize she made a mistake and beg you back within 6 months.

Tell me a little more about this new man P that has metamorphosed in the last 6 months. Who is the man you should be?

LH,

I really like the way you make me think about things.
What P used to be? P was a scared little fix'em'all doormat when the S began. P was depressed, crying, begging and pretty much lost it.

Then P started reading about marriage and relationship. P has learned about love languages, intimacy, arguing, the art of listening(still learning), effective communication. There's something to start with.

What P should be? P should be a man how will stand by his W and kids like a rock. P should be a man that his W feels emotionally safe with. P should be a man that his kids can rely on in any sitch. P should be a man that doesn't have to fix everything. P should be a man that doesn't lose his cool. There's somethings to start with. Some of them I've already covered.

There's a lot more to learn but I'm getting there little by little!

And W stands for W or new partner someday.

I have to ask about boundaries, especially regarding communication. Like I've said W texts lot about kids everyday action. To me that is on the other hand nice to hear but on the other hand somewhat cake eating. Like this is a part of our M she wants to keep. And I think, as cold it may sound, it is something we don't have anymore, sharing our everyday life with each other kids in it or not.

Any thoughts?

P,

I think you need to read up on boundaries. As I stated before that if you ignore in actionable texts she will eventually stop doing it.

I think you want to say something to her to get a reaction.

What I would like to say is that since she made the decision to not be a part of our family anymore, she has no right to report/get reports of our daily life anymore.

I've read the boundary threads and still trying to grasp mine.
I don't think I've ever had any boundaries. Especially towards W. Isn't that a nice guy thing?

I suggest you don't tell her what your feelings are saying. When you are separated, boundaries are limited. Now, if she is blasting you by throwing blame at your feet for the issues in the M, or she is screaming and using foul language......then you can tell her you will turn the phone off if she continues showing disrespect toward you in that manner.

As for her daily updates on the kids, you may be right. However, telling her she can't do it.......could be like cutting your nose off to spite your face.

LOL,

I was just reading up on your sitch and was going to post the same thing sandi2 just did.

IMO, take her advice on just ignoring the texts and enjoy the updates on the kids while it lasts. Same goes for the kids leaving messages and texts. Think of it in a way that you get to know more about them on her time.

On the other hand, there may be something else going on here as well. If she is being more cooperative with the kids, she may think it would have a custody impact. She is sharing information (being cooperative) with you and you are not. Just a thought.

Kguy.

Our custody issues have been settled already. If she wants to change then we'd have to go to court then. I don't think she can afford it.

Otherwise you and sandi are right. It's best to keep these thoughts to myself.

Originally Posted By: petri

And LH.

It was a female friend of mine(Dx2) that said that she'll be willing to bet that W wants to come back within six months. I didn't say it.

The chances are good that -eventually- she'll want to recon, but within 6 months is unlikely. That said, I do know of a case where it happened. One of my daughters had a best friend in high school and their family lived a few streets from us. Around the same time my W BD'd me, the friend's mom BD'd her dad as well. The mom became one of my W's enablers (or more likely they enabled each other). The woman moved out, and shortly after got a dragonfly tattoo with a Latin inscription that read something like "she is finally free". I do not know the details but about 4 months later she was back at home and they've been together ever since (this was about 6 years ago). So while we constantly preach that the timelines on these sitches are quite long, there are exceptions now and then.

AS.

Thanks for that! I asked in a another thread about WWs take on D and whatvit really means. Apparently my W thinks that everything is going to stay the same. Except the fact that we are not in R and live separately. Otherwise everything will be the same. Me visiting in-laws, us having parties together etc...

Yeh well, that's the reality check that they will get that punctures their fantasy world post D.

You can do all of those things if that's what you want, but does that convey strength? I will not do anything unless I see that it being a benefit to my kids - and I will swallow some of my pride for that. But, I have made it clear to W that I do not consider ourselves as family and that there will be no 'family' stuff happening.

No matter how close you are to your in-laws, a line in the sand has been drawn. I was super close to my in-laws and now things have changed - mostly by me in terms of how I will interact with them and making things way more formal. That is what works for me, but I would caution against being the friendly nice guy type.

Maika.

That's my point here. I don't wont to go to see in-laws as it is something we did as a family before. Or have parties etc as a family anymore. For me divorce means that out�r family times are over. Done.

I'm getting tired of this. W texted me how she misses the kids all the time and feels bad for all this. And how her thoughts start getting out of control when she's at her apartment. And she is tired of feeling bad all the time. I merely told her to talk to someone outside all of this b/c I cannot help her anymore.

I guess I just need to be strong and keep moving forward.

You were right to tell her you can't help her. First of all, if she is telling you "she feels bad" as some flimsy excuse for an apology.........she flunked, IMHO. It's still all about her and how she feels. It's almost as if she wants you to comfort her and tell her it's okay.

When she's alone in her apartment, reality starts visiting her. She wants to feel better, b/c she doesn't enjoy this guilt she's experiencing. You can't fix her, and you can't rescue her. It is up to her to do what is right. If she needs therapy, then that's her call. If she wants to make things right with you, then she has to end all inappropriate behavior (Contacting other men as if she were single, having affairs, acting like Girls Gone Wild), whatever she has done to tear apart her family. If there are no changes in her activities/behavior, then her words won't mean much.

If she has not changed anything, then it sounds as if she is attempting to get to the place of being just friends with you. If this is the case, then she thinks that telling you she feels bad........is sufficient enough to soothe things over. Perhaps gives her some relief on the guilt pressure. But that's just guesswork on my part.

When a WW has a true change of heart, and she experiences genuine remorse......she is heartbroken over the terrible things she's done and the horrible pain she's inflicted on her loved ones. She is humble, and it will show in her behavior, her tone of voice, and her words. Most of all, it shows in her attitude. No longer is everything about her! And let me stress this, for all those H's who want to put words in the mouths of their WW's..........don't do it. Yes, of course it is very difficult for her to say, but it is part of the healing process for her to ask for your forgiveness.

Give reality time to do it's work. You don't have to rub her nose in it. But, don't rescue her, either. Stay neutral.

Just try not to say anything you might regret later. You have your own anger to work out, and if she's constantly popping up on your phone, complaining about her feelings, it would be easy to take a pop-shot at her.

sandi, wow that is awesome advice. Your insight never ceases to amaze me. Forgive me if you've shared this before, but from the time your waywardness began until you had the change of heart you mention here, how long was that? And I know it will be different for everyone. I remember seeing a show a while back about a woman that left her family for another man. Years later realized what she did was wrong and left the OM to go back home. Her husband accepted her back over time. So I know it can vary greatly based on a variety of factors.

Apparently W wants to put the house sale on hold to get more time to think about things. That's never going to happen if she doesn't end the A. I assume that I am good to go in telling her that. Does that count as setting boundaries?

Absolutely.

Lh!

Is this the first time you DIDN'T give a 2x4? Looks like I'm doing something right...

P,

Because that's the first time I read something from you that said "fuch that BS I am not taking this disrespect anymore if you're are going to continue this A I will continue with the D and sell the house and go find someone who loves me and values me for the awesome guy that I am".

Getting your mojo back is so liberating!

Thanks guys! Will wait if she has the guts to ask me about it. It was actually her BFF who send me a screenshot of Ws message. She told me that for the first time she will betray her friend but only to help her.

P.....I have a ton of stuff saved from this site as early on I spent hours reading posts to help me get through the pain. Here is one I saved below that I refer to often for strength. I can't remember who wrote it but it hit home for me.

I hope it or some of it helps.

Do a little research. Strong confident men are attractive to women. So, when a strong, confident man is fighting for his marriage, the woman views it (and her view is what counts) as WEAKNESS (which is NOT attractive)

Have you ever noticed that strong, confident men usually always have a woman that is considered "hot"? Usually the woman does a lot of the chasing? Ever noticed that reality with those types of men/women relationships?

You see, one of the things that many men "miss" on this site is that when a woman is feeling those "romantic and in love feelings" is when she is dating "up" or involved with a man who allows HER to do much of the pursuing and chasing. Now women will tell you they would prefer to be chased, but have you noticed that really isn't the true reality? That when they are chased by a man that they usually back off? (and YOU are another case in point right now)

The key is to know how to pursue and yet allow her to pursue.
You HAVE to let her "feel" (women go by feelngs) that you KNOW that you deserve and will not accept anything less than a woman who WANTS to be with you and will be exclusive with you.
She needs to "feel" that you will accept nothing less.

You ARE accepting something less. Don't you see that you are pursuing a woman who even tells you she can't be faithful? You should be calling her bluff as if you have a straight flush. As a strong and confident man this is the reason you have lost your mojo. You don't have the "confidence" to tell her NO, this is unacceptable and I don't want a woman like that. End of story.

My answer to you is different than what you will usullay hear on this site, but one I have seen work far better again and again and again...

Your 180 is to show her in no uncertain terms that you really have LOST interest in her. That SHE isn't worth YOUR love and time. This will then be perceived as strong and confident. You are not mean to her or punitive, but just casual and "oh well, this isn't working and not what I want or am looking for"

She THEN either HAS to chase you, which causes her romantic feelings to start COMING back or it is over anyway. (so what have you really lost?) Confident men are WILLING to risk it all for the sake of their self esteem.

Now. The psychology behind this is interesting...

She has low self esteem or she wouldn't need all that attention she seems to cry out for. Since she has low self esteem she subconciously thinks this.. "if I don't really love myself and can't be faithful then there MUST be something wrong with HIM (meaning you) to want me when I don't even love myself.....She looks DOWN on you for wanting her because she doesn't even LOVE herself. So she subconciously looks down on you and can't feel those correct feelings because YOU put up with her. This is why you need for HER to chase you so that she feels she is dating UP.

The guy who ends up winning her will be the one who shows these traits. The others will go by the wayside. She secretly WANTS to be faithful, however she won't be able to do it until she finds a man who won't put up with anything less. She will then want to PROVE to that man how faithful she can be.

Show her the man that you told us you are. STRONG AND CONFIDENT. Stong and confident is willing to risk the whole ball of wax to win the prize because he accepts nothing less.

The message pretty much indicates her state of mind. Sandi does this ring a bell: "what I would like to do now is to put the sell of the house on hold. So I can get more time to think. But tomorrow I might think the total f-ing opposite. I can't even tell P that I need just a while to think. B/c if tomorrow I want to sell f-ing everything and have everything new. F!"

I do get that. When I told her that this marriage is over...I started to get these messages from her BFF. So I've actually seen it work.

Originally Posted By: petri

T "what I would like to do now is to put the sell of the house on hold. So I can get more time to think. But tomorrow I might think the total f-ing opposite. I can't even tell P that I need just a while to think. "

Already back to the old P. Keep the house up for sale.

LH,

You did get that that wasn't my text right? The house is still up for sale. W didn't ask me if we could put it on hold. But she asked me for contact info for the MC where I went.

Sorry. Misread it. My bad.

Ws BFF called me. She told me what she and W had talked. W had said that it was so f-ing stupid to start the A. W had said that her head has become morw messed up b/c of that. And they had talked about W running away from confronting her own issues. IDK about any of this but it doesn't affect my plans in any way. Still moving forward.

But it's good to her W is now seeing things even a little more clearly. And that she is willing to talk to someone outside of this. Even if it would end in D. As long as she gets her head straight. After all she is still my wife and mother of my kids.

And W texted me yesterday about her burden that she has to carry for what she has done. And how her finances are multiplying her anxiety b/c she probably can't keep her business running much longer if things go this way. There are a lot of losses for her in sight. And I really do feel bad for her.

P,

Reality hits like a train with no breaks in these Sitch on both sides. LBS its BD for the WW its the truth. Lies pile up and the truth come crashing down on them and they don't know how to react. We put in all the work to get better and understand the situation from both sides. While we are getting stronger they are falling behind.

She is confused because P has stop taking her sh!t. She thought her fantasy would last 4ever, now she sees that losing P, is a lot more than what she planned 4. Shes looking for pity.

But P won't give her pity, he's going to give her tough love, a confident, strong and a person only a fool would leave.

P walking away wasn't part of the plan, her plan was to have her choice. Her plan was to chose. You took that ability away from her. Now she has to live with choice A or come to P and prove she wants to be with him and only him, she has to humble herself.

(Choice A: her choosing her A partner.)

Her love for P was still there but her head was cloudy because of all the resentment. P got out of her way and allowed her to live without him, he distanced himself and detached so he could heal and allow his W space to see it wasn't all P fault.

Great job P.

Love is not rigid
Love bends
Onward and forward

I would not put a lot of stock in what a WW's BFF says in a call/text to the LBH.

I wouldn't even put stock in what was said about the MC.

When your W stops playing games and gets serious........she will stop throwing these crumbs, and having her BFF help her. Don't tell the BFF a thing about how you feel, what you want, or what you might consider doing.

If you want to hold off on selling the house, that's up to you........but don't you dare tell the BFF or the WW that it's to give her extra time to decide what she wants. That's a game WW's play. And, don't share your thoughts/feelings with BFF. She will tell the WW everything you say. The minute the WW knows you will give her more time to think about whether or not she wants you and the MR, is when she knows she still has you by the b@lls.

Just stay calm and don't show your cards.

What Sandi said

V

I was at a night club yesterday. W was there too. When she saw me she started crying and hugged me intensly. Her friend kinda pulled her away. W texted me that she left the bar. And couple of hours later sge texted that she didn't want to hurt me and she felt bad. Hoping I was doing better. And that she misses me. But she doesn't feel there's anything there anymore.

Sonewhat acts are not in correlation with words.

P,

Stop focusing on the crazy and keep moving forward. I really hope you ignored those texts!

LH,

I didn't reply to them. I didn't even feel the need.

Stay strong P, it�s part of the process.

I do have to say that this is one weird process.

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