I would like to add on to Steve's post about confronting a WW. I want to break down what confrontation is, and what it is not.
First and foremost, confrontation should ALWAYS be face to face. IMHO, it's not confrontation if it's not face to face. Don't do this through text messaging! The man needs to present himself as being strong and confident. He should be standing and posturing himself to show authority (hands behind his back). He is in charge here, and doing it over the phone or email......just shows her a weaker side of him. I realize we live in a tech society, but come on guys......be a man and face your betrayer.
Secondly,
never let the W know the source of your Intel. Even if she guesses how you know. Even if you reconcile, don't reveal your source. Thirdly, it is not necessary to tell her
everything that you know. In fact, you may want to keep that to yourself, in case it reveals a lie she tells you. And, fourthly, it is
not necessary to prove you have evidence. Showing her the evidence and getting her reaction is not the goal of confrontation, Fifthly, the main purpose of the confrontation is to tell her you refuse to be in an open MR. Now, let me break this down.
As I have said many times, confrontation reveals to her that the H suspects, but she isn't sure of how
much he knows. Most WW's will lie, play games (falsely portray remorse), lash out and blame the H, or get into a R talk. A lot of WW's announce they want to split assets and get a D. Some WW's will try to negotiate and tell the H she'll end the affair, but that she can't change jobs, or it's unfair to stay away from social events where OM goes, etc. In other words, she tries to appeal to her H's logic and tells him he is being unreasonable.
. If that doesn't work, then she will accuse him of controlling, etc. Don't negotiate, don't argue. Just state your boundary.
If you expect remorse from her, you may be disappointed. You should not confront to get an reaction from her. Very few WW's have true remorse at the time they are confronted. They may feel some guilt at being caught, but feelings of remorse may not come till after she goes through affair withdrawal and begins dealing with her deep resentments. Remember,
WW's feel justified to so the things they do. Most WW's never really intend to end contact with the OM, but will pretend to go along with it, in order to buy more time. So, getting the WW's reaction should not be the goal, b/c it can't be trusted.
Fewest of all WW's are those who repent and show humility for their betrayal and horrible treatment toward the H (at the time of confrontation). Even if your W should fall into that rare percentage, once the withdrawal craving hits.......she will still have to deal with it. She will be tempted to reach out to OM, in spite of what she said on the day of confrontation. She has to be accountable just as much as the most cold, hateful, hard hearted of WW's. A drug addict is a drug addict......regardless of how badly she feels about it. The affair has been her drug of choice. She will need a plan to follow, or she will not make it out of the gate.
The WW does not need "evidence" shown to her.....but she may demand it. The Intell is not to prove to her what you know. Some men have hired a P.I. and had a mountain of evidence, and the WW would still deny and lie. So if your goal is to get an admission of guilt from her, I think you might fail....even with evidence staring her in the face. How many criminals go to the pen proclaiming their innocence, but the evidence proved otherwise. Your decisions are not based on whether or not she confesses, but rather on the evidence/intell. I know many H's want to hear a confession, but even if he gets one......it should not change his boundary. Think about it. .
Funny, but so characteristic of women, she will be more focused on wanting to know what evidence you have and where you got it. Do not tell her the source! I've continued to repeat this statement b/c of it's importance. You are not required to present her with your evidence.......and besides, she'll just shoot it down. She'll use it to distract and confuse you. The intell is for
your knowledge. She already knows what she has done!
Confrontation is not a courtroom where proof or innocence is established. You already know she is guilty. She knows she is guilty, but in the majority of confrontations, the WW will try to lie her way out of it. Now listen carefully. Do
not argue, get mad, and reveal what all you know, trying to get her to admit it. Okay? Get that out of your head. Just look her at her sternly and say, "We both know you are lying". You are not Perry Mason, who always got the guilty to confess. Even if she confesses, it doesn't let her off the hook. A confession doesn't mean she's sorry. Being sorry doesn't mean she won't continue contacting OM. Do not melt or give a sigh of relief if she confesses. It does not change the state of affairs (no pun intended).
So now, you state your boundary. "I will not be part of a M that has three people" (or however you want to say it. "I won't stay in an open MR"). This is a very serious statement. You are not
asking her what
she wants to do! You are not telling her how much you don't want a D. (Most H's want to jump in and start assuring the WW how he doesn't want to get a D, or how he is committed to saving the M, or he tells her how devastated he feels). Do
NOT tell her any of these things. Telling the WW how you feel will ruin the entire effect and purpose of the confrontation. It takes the spotlight off her cheating and puts it on your wants & feelings, which she could care less about, at the moment. It is not to
argue her case! She's guilty and you both know it! And now, you've stated your boundary. Don't keep talking, trying to lay emotional guilt on her, trying to get a desired reaction or let her know how hurt you feel.
So now, you are telling her that you won't live in an open MR.
This is the purpose of the confrontation. If that is as far as you get before she completely goes batsh't crazy......then leave the house. Don't try to continue, b/c you have stated your boundary, and that is really all that is neccesarry at this time.
After you state your boundary, don't express your personal feelings or desire to save the M. State a clear boundary that you will not continue in an open MR. This is usually when the WW will try to blame the H for everything (again). Remain calm, while she talks. If she begins to cry, do not show compassion. Do not put your arms around her, or touch her whatsoever. WW's use tears for manipulation. Remain strong and firm. If she is blaming you or throwing accusations at you......don't say anything in defense, don't argue. If she calms down and is not yelling and showing out of control behavior............or threatening to call the cops, getting physical, etc........
then you can softly validate that you hear her and you regret past mistakes and you're sorry she felt that way. But limit the validation to that one sentence and do NOT keep on & on. This is not the time to go into a relationship discussion again. This is about her affair, not your past mistakes. A WW will pull you into a R talk before you know it, so stay on your toes. This is not the time to talk about the past. Don't tell her how you are working to change, or any of that stuff. Confrontation is not about any of
that, and and it distracts from the purpose here. It's up to you to control the conversation and stay on track.
The next step is to tell her the consequences if she continues contacting the OM in any way. That being, you will prepare to take necessary steps to legally end the M. Don't discuss who leaves, who gets what, how long she has, when to tell the kids........none of that stuff! This is where men mess up, b/c the WW will distract them and start talking about child custody or whatever. Stay on track and tell her you aren't going to discuss all of that stuff at this time. It may be really difficult, but you have to keep pulling her back to the
topic at hand......which is your boundary. If the WW is showing a lot of hostility, and especially if she is getting out of control and making threats to file trumped up charges, it would be better to end the confrontation without stating the
consequences of her affair. At any point, should she start getting violent, the kids are scared, it's time to end it. Go outside, leave for a while, or something, but don't continue staying in her presence.
What I wish H's would get through their heads is that the WW should be concerned about what her H might do. No, I don't mean she should worry about violence from him, but what his plans are about D and how it could affect her. Most H's are so eager to jump in there and talk & talk about how he's going to work to change for the better, and commit to the MR......and "invites" her to commit with him.
It all says one thing to the WW.......her H is a wuss! So, guys, please avoid making that mistake. This is the time to be Rhett Butler and tell Scarlett you don't give a #?%! Keep this short and simple (even if I can't explain it in a short and simple post).
If she is out of control (screaming, shouting accusations or threats, etc.), and if her emotional state does not appear to be receptive to hearing your terms to stay in the M,.......then save it for later. Recently, I had been explaining to LBH's what would be needed as stipulations for reconciling......and in some cases, I think it may have been a bit much to include at the end of the confrontation. So, you have to use your own judgment and see how your WW is responding (which is another reason to have face to face confrontation). I mean, if she doesn't care if you D her or not.......why would she care to hear your list of reconciliation terms? She won't. So, in some instances, it might be better for the H to wait until she asks him what it would take to keep the M together. But if he waits, and she doesn't ask and she continues contacting OM (and she definitely will), be prepared to physically separate......or file for D. But don't do any of this in-house separation business. That is nothing more than major cake eating for her, and terrible humiliation for him.
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The betrayed spouse is the only one who should have terms for reconciliation. WW's feel entitled to lay out conditions the H must meet..... but the WW is the offender.... and the betrayed spouse has stated his boundary.
If she wants you to stay in the M, then the following criteria should be met:
*She texts or emails the OM (in the presence of H) and sends to H's phone the same text message she writes OM, ..... Which states that their affair was the worst mistake of her life, and that she loves her H, and will no longer betray him. All contact between them will stop immediately, and she does not want OM trying to contact her. She will not acknowledge OM, and she doesn't want him acknowleging her......for any reason. Then the H reads it before she sends it. She is not to express anything, other than what the H instructs.
*After sending the letter/text, she immediately (in the presence of H) deletes all previous messages, contact information, and blocks OM (and OM's W) on her phone, email, social media, etc. All photos, letters, notes, etc. that are saved in separate files are to be deleted. All traces of OM, keepsakes from their A, gifts, etc. are to be destroyed. She does this in the presence of her H (else she won't do it, and she'll lie).
* If she works with OM, she must resign from her job and find employment elsewhere. If she belongs to the same organizations, social circles, etc. as OM, she must remove herself.
*She must agree to be completely transparent about her phone (and other sources of communication), her activities, and accountable for her whereabouts. She agrees that you can look at her phone/apps activity whenever you want......without asking her or giving notice. (For the record, she will claim you want to control her. This is not controlling, but giving accountability. She will go through withdrawals when she ends contact with OM. Her willingness to be transparent helps assure you the affair has ended, and it helps her through the withdrawals to give accountability. This will not last forever, but you do not give her a time frame. You do not tell her when you will check her phone, so she must have no secret password locks. Do not ask her to give you her phone. You check when she is asleep or in the shower, etc. The point is to not to cause more tension and hostility from her while you look at her phone). There are to be no secret friendships, especially with men.
* She gives you all pin numbers and/or passwords and does not change them without, first, notifying you. She is not to sleep with her phone, carry it in the bathroom while showing, walk out of the room to take calls, etc.
* She is not to take overnight/weekend trips without you. No Girls Night Out, or any other excuse to stay away from the house for any supcious period of time. Once you feel assured she is over the OM and your MR is making progress, then this requirement can begin to tapper off.
* She must agree for both of you to work with a professional therapist who specializes in couples healing from affairs. It's usually best if the H does the research and chooses the therapist, or she might pick one that is not pro-marriage and actually counsels couples how to be divorced and stay friendly! (This is important, b/c couples need guidance in piecing their M back together).
*. She agrees to sleep in bed with you (no children allowed). This does mean she is forced to have sex with you, but there will be no more separate rooms or sleeping arrangements. This is suppose to be a reconciliation.
Fair warning.......she will hate all of the above!
Transparency does not last forever. It usually tapers off. Some H's have reported going a year, maybe longer, without checking her phone. Then her behavior would get a little strange, so he would decide to check. Sure enough, she would be back into her old ways. Personally, transparency helped me, as a WW going through withdrawals. Once the withdrawal period is conquered, the H can lighten up some......but don't announce she no longer has to be transparent.
She will test his transparency plan. Most WW's will get by revealing as little as possible. Even if she appears to have a change of heart.......she really hasn't. She might be showing more cooperation, but the OM is still in her head. The affects of addiction could last for for six months......even longer. It depends on the individual woman, the sitch, etc. a good case scenario would be four months of hard withdrawals, then taper off for another eight. Every sitch is different, so I hesitate giving time frames. The only reason I give this scenario time frame is to let H's have some idea of what is in store.
Some men say, "Well, I can't control her. If she's going to cheat, she will find a way". That is very true. If the H can live with not knowing and her suspicious actions........that's up to him. But if he feels he has to see her putting forth effort to once again have a trusting and respectful relationship......then he can give her a chance to follow his transparency plan......or he can go ahead and divorce her. I only see three options to go. Remain as is; leave; or heal together.
Some MC don't encourage transparency. It is not punishment. It is accountability. It is her opportunity to show she is serious about ending the A and working on the MR. So, I hope you will have a MC who supports it.
Your W will have some hostility at first, especially if she is not remorseful for her betrayal. You aren't asking her to like it. You are asking her to agree to do it. It's her choice, but if she wants you for a H, she'll agree to your terms. Just remember.......that agreement does not fix her waywardness. Getting the OM out of her life will help, if she doesn't turn to OM#2, #3, etc.
Her feelings of love/desire for you cannot return until she gets the OM completely out of her head. She has to do the actions first, then the feelings will eventually catch up. It's not fun for her. It's awful. She'll feel as if she's withdrawing from a drug. She'll get angy, moody, and depressed. Ending the affair, is only a step. It does not end her wayward mindset. Only your W can change her mindset, but you can influence it a lot.
Don't push her about "feelings" once she agrees to transparency. All she needs to show right now......is willingness. Without her willingness, you have nothing. So, don't make a big deal about how she feels.
She may make a big deal about her feelings, b/c a WW operates on feelings. But always come back to, "
Are you willing"?
The H must understand that his W's agreement to his reconciliation terms......is not an automatic fix. After therapy, the withdrawals, lots of prayer, and tons of work......her natural loving feelings
can return. On the other hand, there is no garantee, b/c it is up to her to do the work in her heart. I want H's to understand that his changes may be overtly, but most of the WW's changes will be in her heart. It is a process. A long, long process. He has to hold her feet to the fire about showing respect for him.......b/c that is what killed her loving feelings. So, she cannot disrespect him in front of the kids, him, or others. He can't stop what she feels in her heart.....but he can stop her outwardly disrespecting him. And, it will influence her heart and bring back the love.
He should not appear as her lord & master, nor her prison guard. However, he should NEVER underestimate the lengths she will go, in order to conceal her contacts with OM.
How can he tell if/when she's really changing? When her words/actions/attitude are parallel.
. The thing is, she has carried that resentment in her heart for many months .......just about the car. I can nearly feel her fury when the car broke down in route! I don't know how much or how little you explained about having the car checked out. But the problem was that she still had no means to go whenever she wanted. She just wanted a reliable vehicle, and she was fed up waiting on her H, b/c she was seeing the results she wanted. Like I said, this is just one tiny example of how one resentment can be blown out of proportion, and it can quickly turn into disrespect. One resentment builds onto another one. When she has a bed of resentments growing, it's not hard for one little thing to set her off. Her life becomes consumed with resentment toward her H, and until she can forgive him and start working through these unresolved issues, it will be very difficult for him to please her. 
. If you stay focused on yourself, instead of what your W is doing/thinking.......your kids win, you win, your future relationships win......and maybe even your M will win. What do you say? Want to give it the ole college try? How about giving it more..........how about giving it your all? 
. I could probably tell you a lot of ways to get her ready to chew nails. But the goal is not to make her angry. It is to make you appear more mysterious and interesting. Let me ask, do you live in city or rural area? Just was wondering what might be available for you.
I just wanted to explain in more depth about the issue of confronting a WW.