Hello,
First time to post here, but have been reading for many weeks now. I was BD mid august and she started a PA less than a couple of weeks later. She says she never cheated during our marriage and only started seeing someone after she BD. I believe and she has verified that she had feelings before the BD so I consider that an EA even if he wasnt aware, but i am sure he was. My question is she hasnt filed for divorce yet, but should I speed up the process, since we have been married around 9.5 years. I live in the state of texas and at the 10 year mark I will have to pay spousal support of 20% for 5 yrs. We do have a D5 and she has had some anger issues the last couple of months. She is aware of the divorce about as much as a 5yr old can be. I am at the point where i can truly start to detach. I am doing GAL and we both currently have separate apartments, with 50/50 split of D5. I am giving her some monthly CS just so I know my daughter is taken care of, even though i am not required to yet, since nothing has been filed. I have seen a lawyer and she hasnt, but we plan on doing this without lawyers, however if at any point she changes her mind i will get one for my protection. As with other people on here I am for saving the marriage, but that cant happen as long as she is seeing someone else. The whole point being with limerance and all why would she want to come back if she is getting her current needs met with someone else. I am currently changing my ways for myself so that in my next relationship, whether it be with my wife or someone else, I wont make the same mistakes. I have read most of the DB book, and all of the 5 love languages, and currently reading about getting over affairs. Anyways ty for listening and any advice is welcomed
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
How did you contribute to the failure of your M? How do you want to change yourself...for you? Pursuing or not pursuing D is a very individual decision. We’re all here because we don’t want a D but some of us are forced to pull that trigger.
Hi, welcome to the board. It may be a little slow through the holidays, but keep posting.
With reading only one post, I am hesitate to anyone to go ahead and file for a D. If it serves you better in the financial aspect, I think you need legal advice about your timely filing for the D.
As for your W, don't believe the b.s. she told you about the OM. She gave the most typical lie that wayward wives give. She actually left you b/c of this OM, with whom she was having some type of an affair. That's why he just suddenly and conveniently appears on the scene.
Read the page from Cadet, carefully. Be sure to read the links. It will help get you started on the DB path.
How did you contribute to the failure of your M?
Well how did i contribute, thats sort of easy and tough. Like most men in this situation I took her for granted. Although the last year it was more not paying attention and not listening. We did counseling twice after the BD, her for how to get our child through this process and I for how to save our marriage. She didnt tell the counselor about the other man in fact she denied him to her. I found out about him through her and then by looking through our cell phone bill and seeing 100's of texts to him that really started up about 5 days before she BD. She states that I was too controlling, which I was in some ways. One way though I thought was a boundary and she stated it was also too controlling in that I wouldnt let her go out with her coworkers. I didnt have a problem her going out with her coworkers when they included women, but when she wanted to go out when only single men were going then I had an issue with it, especially when they were younger and she had already stated that a few of them were flirting with her. I just felt a married woman shouldnt and wouldnt want to go somewhere with a bunch of single guys, but she didnt see it this way. The counselor did state that we both were pleasers, which we both agreed with. So when there was an issue she would bring up she would then agree with my assessment of how we could resolve it. I thought we were doing good, but I found out she would just accept the resolution to move past the issue and to just please me by pushing her feelings aside, which i am sure led to resentment.
How do you want to change yourself...for you? Pursuing or not pursuing D is a very individual decision. We’re all here because we don’t want a D but some of us are forced to pull that trigger.
Well I am changing myself by recognizing what i did wrong by not seeing her love language. I am also making changes to be more responsible, such as I would get upset on the inside when I would do things and she wouldnt notice. I now know and recognize that instead of doing things to make her happy, I should of been doing things because it was my responsibilty in the marriage, and not look for validation. She had always complained to me about being overweight and I am losing weight now for myself, so I can be healthier, and a possible side effect would be for her to be more attracted, but a definate side effect will be that other women will be definately attracted. She did state that after i was done with my weight loss that she might consider coming back, but she didnt want to promise anything because she didnt want me to get my hopes up if she didnt, to which I replied well when I get to were I want to be, what makes you think I will want you back and not someone who would bring more to the relationship, which upset her very much. I stated that I want you to be with me through my journey of change, and not just at the end, because if she comes in at the end I told her she would have to compete for my love just like anyone else would and she wouldnt be a given.
I am also spending more quality time with m D5. Since her birth my wife had been a stay at home mom, so I left most of that bonding time with my wife. I would spend time with my D5 but not as much as I am now. I feel we can connect more, one reason being she is older and the second is that her english is much better now. If i iddnt mention this my wife is russian, so we both agreed that my d5 first language should be russian, because she could always pick up english fast in the states. She has picked it up quite quickly the last year an a half so we communicate much better now. I also believe one reason my wife left is that she has had alot of milestones this past year, such as getting her driving license a new job, and nee friends. So all this freedom so suddenly is intoxicating to her. Which i can agree with. In russia grwoing up she felt like she was never the prettiest in the room, so she never got the attention that she is feeling now in the u.s.. i am also trying to GAL as much as I can. I didnt do much of it in september or october, because i was spending all of my time with my daughter and being there for her. It has been a pleasure creating a stronger bond with her.
As for your W, don't believe the b.s. she told you about the OM. She gave the most typical lie that wayward wives give. She actually left you b/c of this OM, with whom she was having some type of an affair. That's why he just suddenly and conveniently appears on the scene.
I Believe you are right, whats funny is about two weeks before the BD she told me she found out he was going through a divorce. And he is a big flirt at their work, so I feel her thoughts were that she had to move fast before someone else did. In his divorce which i know about from her, his wife left him for another man. I dont see how any good man would do this to another person after going through the same thing themselves. So I just think he is scum. Also dont know if he reads this board or not. I also got the ILYBIANILWYA speech. He is an older man probably mid 50's and I know she is lying because her story is always changing with him, which has driven me nuts, so I just quit asking. I found out she had been with him after the BD when she wanted me to find something and I asked if I could look through her purse which she replied yes, and then in one of the small pockets was used lingerie. Which i confronted her with and asked her why she cheated and she replied she didnt cheat, because she had already told me she wanted a divorce. In my eyes we are still married since she hasnt filed yet. In her eyes we are not, so i guess its just a point of view. In her eyes divorce is just a paper to sign and in her mind she has already signed it. I love her but I have lost all trust in her. The only one really losing in this situation is our D5. she wont be able to do things we had planned for her because money will be tight for a while. Would i take my wife back, ofcourse i would, but things would have to change. I dont want the relationship we had, because that obviously didnt work out. My wife has stated she doesnt want to come back, because she is afraid that i would now leave her, but I am sure that is just a lie to try to please me. I have talked to a lawyer and they said to file as soon as i can because the courts in dallas are backed up, and i need to get it done before the 10 year mark or i will have to pay spousal support. My wife said she doesnt want spousal support, but her mind could change at any moment. As for the BD its a great weight loss program lol. I have already lost 40#'s can could lose about 140 more. So I am a big guy, but I was like that when we got married.
I'll confess, I'm of two minds about the spousal support. On the one hand, she was a stay at home mom for five years, which presumably mommy-tracked her career - spousal support helps offset that. On the other hand, she's the one who is blowing up the marriage without trying to save it, why should she benefit?
Be aware though it can be difficult to rush divorce with a WAS, as they really can't be bothered to do paperwork. You will have to do it all for her, and I'd still advise running it by an attorney even if you are doing the divorce yourself - don't be penny wise and pound foolish.
Also, you mentioned she's Russian - is it possible she married you to get a green card? I think the fact that you were heavy when she married you but then she started complaining about it is a red flag that she might never have been sincere (although to be fair, some people marry thinking they'll change their partner).
Ah, the divorce diet I'd love to study it, it works so well! Take full advantage of this time to become the best version of yourself. Whether you reunite or move on to a new relationship, working on being a better version of yourself will pay off.
As for your W - no, it's not controlling to want your wife not to have affairs! If you look back on your relationship before the affair, was she a great wife who just suddenly got abducted by aliens - or was she always selfish or narcissistic? Some spouses just get depressed and go off the rails - others have longstanding character defects that may never change. (Mine was a narcissist, I really didn't fully recognize this until after we divorced.
kml.
She is working on getting money saved to file, her words... She has just finished paying a lawyer for citizenship filing. She is currently not a citizen just a legal resident. Could she have married me for citizenship, there is that chance, but she has been with me for 9 1/2 years, which 4 1/2 was SAHM. i think she was hoping i would change with the weight. She has always been caring about other people and I think that leads her to make questionable friends and to be very trusting of people who might not deserve it. She has been on her own since she was 17 and she never did quite like how close I was to my family, i.e. visiting parents and brothers on the weekends, but my family has always been close.
I dont think she was narcissistic or selfish, but i could be looking at things from rose colored glasses. She just says she has changed and doesnt love me any more. I feel you cant control who you fall in love with, but you can control if you want to stay in love. I do feel i left an open spot for someone to take my place when i wasnt meeting her love language. Instead of just listening i was the typical guy and tried to fix. i lost my job in 2014 and we moved in with my parents which caused a lot of issues in our relationship, but we had always worked through them, or atleast i thought we did, but she was just pleasing. I did eventually find work and then she went to work about a year later and we were working on saving to get a house when she BD. I tried to explain to her that she wasnt divorcing me she was divorcing the family, since i have a relationship with our d5, she also has this relationship, we also have to have a relationship because of our d5, the only relationship that was being broken was the one between my wife, our daughter, and myself. That relationship would no longer be there. anyways orry to ramble, ill cut it off at that.
Your judge is likely to include spousal support at this point so close to the 10 years anyway.
Let your heart propel you to try save your marriage so you can be sure you tried everything. You can always divorce. Having been divorced myself, I can tell you it's incredibly hard on daughters about your daughters age. My oldest was 6 (now 30) when we divorced. The consequences of divorce are forever, and the kids are the biggest losers in this deal. I would have done things much differently. I Amy have still ended with the same consequence but I wish I had a better relationship skill set. So the DB 'techniques are worth trying with your spouse, even is someone else ends up benefiting from your skill set. I promise you, your daughter will benefit from your improvements.
Happy Thanksgiving! You have a lot to be thankful for!
Sorry to hear what your going through. My W used the same b.s. logic when talking yona mutual friend about her cheating. Tjat she told me she wanted a divorce, so it's not cheating. Even though she she began her A before BD. And conviently she suddenly took on this new ideology when she started cheating. Never at any point in our 17 year marriage had ahe felt that way. And talked abiut others like a dog for doing such things.
Your W right now has no morals and is talking out of her a** right now in order to justify her cheating. So don't go along with any of it or make excuses for her. As for the divorce you need to protect yourself. You don't want to have to find yourself rewarding your W for her bad behavior. Especially witj her laying up with OM. My recommendation is get the divorce before it's too late. If it's meant to be you two could always remarry.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
The toughest part is knowing that you will have to have some sort of relationship with your spouse for the rest of your life for the benefit of the child. Right now how i think and act, I know this is not who I am normally, and you hope that your spouses actions are not normal, but how do you stop trying to make sense of a situation that just doesnt make sense. Even if your spouse has not been happy, to think that you were being fooled for such a time makes you wonder where your head was at. Its not an easy effort to keep up a charade for such a longtime makes you think if they would of tried this hard at the relationship then you wouldnt be here. I know one needs to get a life and move on, but how does one stop trying for the sake of the child. As for myself, could I be happy with my spouse if she decided to come back, ofcourse i could. I could be just as happy with a woman i meet tomorrow, because i make my own happiness. Maybe some people think then that this is not love, but love to me is a choice one makes. Once you understand no one is perfect, that everyone has faults, its easier to share your love. I think society as a whole pushes the fairy tale too much that people try to look for it and are disappointed when there relationship doesnt meet its standard. There is no knight in shining armor, no sleeping beauty, and the grass always looks greener on the other side. People always say well i told my spouse this would happen, if things didnt change, well isnt insanity doing the same thing over and over again yet expecting a different results. They finally do something different like a BD and they get the result they wanted but they are no longer interested in trying. Wow i finally did something different and they are now listening, but i am not now so it [censored] to be them. And as for people in affairs, do they ever think, wow maybe if i treated my spouse like my AP i wouldnt be having one. now granted not all relationships are salvageable, things like any type of abuse should not be tolerated. But many relationships are just someone giving a high five, when the other one is going for a fist bump.
sorry for the rambling, but its early and mind is just trying to make sense of a nonsense situation.
Rexgm,
Dont try to make sense of the crazy, it's only going to drive you crazy. All those questions you have asked, has been asked on here hundreds if not thousands of times. Most people when they first come to this forum is trying to find the "why", they try to figure if this or that happened or didn't happen, things would be a whole lot better. After a while though, most people realize the why doesn't matter, and if you DB right and save yourself, one-day you might get your why from your S or you might not. But in the end you are a whole lot better.
The comment about you could take your W back. Every person that comes here says that statement as well. The longer the DBing goes on and the longer limbo goes on, people feelings tend to change. I will tell you take each moment for what it is, because your feelings will start to change multiple times in a day. "I want to be with her, I don't want to be with her. I'm going to move on. I'm going to stay. I truly love her. I hate this person she is now." You will go back and forth. I'm telling you this so you can be better prepared to react and handle those feelings and emotions.
Keep posting.
Hi Rexgm,
There are some similarities between our two situations. Both our spouses are originally from overseas, we've both been married nine years, and we both have one daughter close in age. I wish you and your wife could find a solution to fix the marriage.
It sounds like you're taking the right steps on your part. One of my worst fears, having just one child, is the lack of family my daughter will have when she gets older. It seems like such a disadvantage growing up alone in a broken home and not having siblings or a bigger family for support when she gets older. Is that something you've thought about as well? For that reason I believe our marriages are worth fighting for, even though sometimes our spouses want to get divorced even when we don't.
It does seem like our spouses, coming from more restrictive countries overseas, go through a lot of changes here in the US, more so than someone who grows up here. There are so many opportunities here and I guess when they start off with us from the beginning, we can become someone who holds them back from everything (including affair partners). I guess there are so many options to 'upgrade' to a more attractive / fun / younger partner after they get settled here it's hard for us to compete. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. It seems like that's what's happening with my husband though, among other problems. Perhaps your wife will someday appreciate what she had with you.
I hope you'll keep us posted on how things go. I'll keep my fingers crossed for good news!
Nicole,
I recently talked to my wife and she could not understand why my performance at work was slacking. Which i can see from her point of view because she was already checked out of the marriage. I didnt tell her but i thought, ofcourse she wont understand because she already moved onto a new relationship, unlike myself who just got told from someone they loved for 9+ years that they dont love you anymore, and now you only see your child 50% of the time and your best friend is no longer there to support you. It really hit home how selfish she is being right now, but i didnt let her know how i felt i just agreed with her thoughts and said people have different priorities.
I did make the mistake of telling my daughter that sooner or later she would have a sibling, and this made my wife very mad when my daughter asked her when she would get a brother or sister. I told my wife just because she doesnt plan on having more kids doesnt mean i dont. plus who knows what she wants with the other man its not like she is going to tell me the truth, and im not going to try and figure her out. Nicole, trust me just because they have found someone else doesnt mean they upgraded, trust me more often than not they have downgraded. Trust me my wife's AP is a much older man, with two kids whose wife is taking him to the cleaners. The only one losing out is my daughter, and Im going to try to be the best dad for her, Which is all in my control. as for my wife, the door is left open but I am not going to wait out whether her affair works out or not. All i can do is move on and if she wants to reconcile then ill think about crossing that bridge when i get to it, but there will have to be alot of work done on her part.
as for the daily update.
I never got to the gym as planned but did go out a few nights with friends and played some darts. I had a wonderful 4 days with my daughter and we did alot of arts and crafts to pass the time which she really enjoyed.
All i can do is move on and if she wants to reconcile then ill think about crossing that bridge when i get to it, but there will have to be alot of work done on her part.
This is a healthy attitude!
Interesting that she got so upset about the idea of your daughter having a sibling - they really do think they can move on while we'll just sit there on the shelf waiting as their Plan B in case it doesn't work out with the affair partner. Good for them to get a little shot of reality so they can understand what they're really choosing.
KML,
I totally agree, her reason for not wanting another kid, which i find understandable considering a divorce is that she didnt want to deal with another baby's daddy. Which tells me she full on divorce and not reconciling.
On another, she called me today saying she hasnt received her CS and needed to pay rent. I transferred the money through my banks zelle acct but she hasnt received it. She didnt setup her acct correctly through her bank and proceeded to tell me she wasnt going to deal with zelle and started yelling at me, so I hung up on her. I sent her a text telling her to call back after she has calmed down.
I received a text saying she was "sorry for yelling, and expected the money by now and it was inconvenient for her and thats why she lost it."
I replied "ty for the apology and I understand its inconvenient for you, which is why I am trying to work with you, but I wont allow you to yell at me."
which she responded with a "got it"
now that i think about it she followed her apology with a reason why she was mad, which really isnt a sincere apology, so I shouldnt of accepted it, but ill work on that in the future.
I am glad i asserted my boundary and she acknowledge it, dont really care if she accepts it, but as long as she acknowledges it i am happy.
another way she is sticking it to me is she recently caused my auto insurance to go up and I cant remove her name from it until we are officially divorced. Dont know how I am going to deal with the rate hike since she got her own insurance but my rate didnt change.
I liked your thoughts on another thread.
V
Get legal advice straight away.
Consider getting yourself under 10 year line, and go fast track. Look after your own interests.
If after D you wish to be more generous you can, your choice.
Get your butt in gear and go take action. Oh and cards close chest in any order.
Take it from one who just sneaked under 5 years with a WH who was determined to get over it. 5 years marks the end of a short M in the UK. The time also includes living together periods. In the UK you may already be over 10 years. Info does not hurt, knowledge is power.
You got this.....
V
Maybe someone can answer this for me... Do ww become less intelligent?
my wife and I are doing a b-day party for our D4 in the coming weeks. So i put in a down payment on a place an text my wife the time and tell her the details are in an email i sent her. anyways i get a text this morning fro her asking if i can text her the details so she can send out invitations. i call her and tell her everything is in the email i sent her, i then ask her how our daughter is doing and then end the conversation and hang up. i know she read the text because she replied with a ty.
Short term memory problems are par for the course. Once it's all over they will actually NOT REMEMBER many of the things they have done or said.
I guess thats one way for waywards to go through their grief... memory loss and forget what they did... It is a coping mechanism in a way, sort of like for someone who has been through some traumatic experience.
now one thing i did do...
few weeks after i found out about the AP i did out her affair to her coworkers. She said i was being spiteful and trying to get her fired. I told her, I didnt do it because of spite. I did it to bring their relationship out from hiding and now she is free to either continue the affair or to end it. I just wanted to end the secret of it and to end the excitement of the secret rendezvous with it. she then said that its my fault that everyone now thinks she is a slut, i replied the marriage not working is partly my fault but her sleeping with someone else is completely on her. She is the one that decided to have an affair with a coworker in a higher position than her. she decided to do that so she should take the full responsibility of that decision. She then stated that we would never get back together. I said you already said we were done, and then i said so If i had not done that would you had been willing to work on the marriage and she said no, so I said what i did didnt change anything anyways. guess she doesnt see it that way lol
So this afternoon my daughter who is going to turn 5 soon comes up to me and says "daddy I wish I could have multiple mommy's" this totally caught me by surprise so I asked her why, she replies "so when mommy's busy I could have a mommy that's not busy can spend time with me."
Now since my wife has moved out she pretty much works 6 days a week to make ends meet. I know she doesn't spend a lot of time with my daughter and sometimes she takes my daughter with her to work.
My question is... is this something I should bring up with my w?
No, don't mention it, she won't be able to hear you. Just take it as:
1) You need to spend as much time as possible with your daughter, as she is feeling the fact that her mom's attention is elsewhere
2) If you do end up divorced and eventually in a new relationship, your daughter may not resent having a stepmom - which is a good thing
I do wonder where she got the idea from though - does she have friends who have stepmoms? If not, I wonder if your W hs planted the idea in her head somehow. Seems unlikely but....?
KML,
My nephew her 1st cousin is in his 30's " yeah I know I started late" has 4 kids, the oldest being 9. Is on his second marriage and he has two kids each with a different mother. So she probably got the idea from that.
I regressed today and asked my wife if she wanted to give MC a try. I let her know that i now understand how i failed her in the past and how my actions could of been seen as rejection and not meeting her needs. That even though I tried i now see that i didnt truy give her 100% of myself when she needed it. I also stated that i am not a mind reader and i needed her to tell me how exactly to support her when she needs it.
I didnt apologize and in my mind it was a way that i was giving her one last chance before truly moving on. It didnt matter to me what she answered because even if she wanted to do MC i didnt see it as reconciling but more of finding out if we have a chance at reconciling. I understand that its her decision to come back but it is my decision where we go from there.
By doing this i know it means i havent truly let go, but i needed to do this in my mind so that i could move on.
Just to give an update...
Gal has been going pretty well. Been hanging out with friends more and also spending more quality time with my daughter. My daughter had her B-day party and it went well. My W and I got along well and even hung out for a few moments.
Recently my W called and asked for more money to send my daughter to preschool at a private school. I said it would be a good change for her, but I wasnt able to give her anymore money. At this point she raged at me and said I was a horrible father. I see that as just a manipulation move on her part to try and get some more money for school from me. We talked this weekend and she asked if i could take my daughter for more time so that she could work more to pay for her prvt school. I told her I couldnt and that the arrangement we had, worked out good for both of us. This was after she asked me if she could have more days with our daughter which I told her no. She raged again and said I was a horrible father.
She then said that if I wasnt able to help her out then I should look for ways to earn more money. I then told her divorce wasnt easy but this is what she wanted. If we were not separated we could easily pay for the school and other things which fell on deaf ears i'm sure.
Anyways just looking for some thoughts on the matter.
Anyways just looking for some thoughts on the matter.
My thoughts are this- can you really not afford the private schooling or are you refusing to pay extra just to punish your W? If you can't afford it then that's fine, but if you can, then do what is right for your D. Your W is ranting and raving as a form of blackmail I'm sure, and that is petty and immature of her. Nevertheless, this is more about your D then it is about your W.
My finances are so tight right now I really cant afford it. I am currently looking at trying to sell my car and get a cheaper one with lower car payment.
Then it really is a no-brainer - you cannot afford the school. Your answer that this is the reality of divorce was a good one.
For the long haul, though - you need to get your finances in better shape. What are your options for increasing your income and/or lowering your expenses? I recommend you take a look at a website called Mr Money Mustache which may give you some helpful ideas.
My finances were strained when I was hit with this all at once. We usually payed all the bills with my paycheck and then used her paycheck for entertainment and savings.
So when her paycheck was no longer there and i was still paying all the bills with mine it was a shock. I also gave her the car that was completely payed off to help her since she doesnt make quite what i do. I am also looking at either refinancing the car or trading it in and getting a cheaper one, but it is currently upside down for probably the next year maybe 2. I am also looking at what I can cut back on i.e. what is a necessity or a luxury. However, I should be caught up by february and back in the black again.
For this reason the holidays are going to suck, but my relatives will understand. The only one getting a gift is my daughter.
So I received a text message from my wife last night. She was filling out the forms for my D School. And she wanted to know the medical insurance policyholder and group number. She has a medical ID card, and all the information is listed there. However she is known to lose things, and it makes me wonder if she is lost this.
I don't really talk or text to her at all anymore, and I don't understand why she feels the need to ask me these types of questions, when she can ask her friends or OM.
So I received a text message from my wife last night. She was filling out the forms for my D School. And she wanted to know the medical insurance policyholder and group number. She has a medical ID card, and all the information is listed there. However she is known to lose things, and it makes me wonder if she is lost this.
Did you respond to her text? You could text, "the information you want is on your insurance card"
My guess is she's trying to reach out to you in a type of indirect temperature check.
i replied only with my name and id number and thats it
haha.. that's a good response. It was fine to reply as it was business. I've given my W all kinds of info that she would need for the kids and for other things and she's scatter brained as well. So, I had gotten a few of these to which I responded exactly the way you did.
Im sure this has been answered by Sandi before...
I just dont understand how they want no part of your life anymore, but as soon as something goes wrong or they need something, they dont go to the OM, they have no issue coming back and asking for help? Does going to the OM for things like this ruin the fanasy or something?
Then it really is a no-brainer - you cannot afford the school. Your answer that this is the reality of divorce was a good one.
Yup, I agree!
For this reason the holidays are going to suck, but my relatives will understand. The only one getting a gift is my daughter.
No sir, the holidays will not suck! Holidays are not about gifts, they are about spending time with the ones you love. You'll see your relatives and your D, so it's going to be glorious! Lately I have been trying to get my relatives and my GF to quit buying me gifts, I have so much stuff as it is that I can't put it all away. The more I'm given the more clutter I have to deal with. I'd rather just spend time with them, that's all I need. We all need to quit measuring joy by how many presents we give or receive.
I just dont understand how they want no part of your life anymore, but as soon as something goes wrong or they need something, they dont go to the OM, they have no issue coming back and asking for help? Does going to the OM for things like this ruin the fanasy or something?
I think mainly because it's convenient, but it's also a way to reinforce your "doormat" status. Use OM for all the fun and romantic stuff and use you for all the utilitarian stuff.
a question for the WW's
The temperate check, whether direct or indirect, is it something you are aware that your doing or is it more subconscious and then when it doesnt go as you normally think it would, you are curious as to why they are not doing it?
in other words are you trying to prove to yourself that you still have them wrapped around your finger, or is it more hey this isnt how they normally act what has changed?
Just to give an update:
It has been 5 months and I was hit with divorce papers in February. Still dont have any type of agreement, and she keeps flip flopping on what she says as for custody of our child. Over the last few months, anytime i didnt agree with her on something she would use my daughter as leverage by saying she was going to ask for full custody. Mid march I just told her you do what you have to do.
You know alot of people say that when you go through this process that there will be a point where you will be hit with whether or not you want to be with your wife and reconcile if that option comes available. Well i hit that point last month and decided I dont want a reconciliation. I just want an amicable divorce. I will be very content with joint custody and should have no issue getting it in Dallas county hopefully.
As for Gal, I am usually out and about with friends during the week. I have began talking to ladies at bar's and find I have much more success in person than online. One thing I have noticed about online is there are lot of scams and catfishing, so I try to keep messaging brief and push for a meet in person very quickly. The point being i dont want a person who just texts and I want to make sure in person that she meets the quality's that I am looking for. I do need to hit the gym more as i still have around 100# to lose, that will come in time though. I just need to stay active. I did buy a bike and do go cycling which I find very fun and relaxing. Bike riding was something that I have not done since I was a teenager, so it brought back many of good memories.
There is a saying here that is passed around to become the person only a fool would leave, I agree with this action, but I will never personally think this way. I all I can do is act to the best of my abilities and let other people make that generalization. I will never think that she is a fool to not come back, because I am not one to say I am better than someone else she might meet. Also, I just do not care who she will meet now. I just hope it will be someone who will be nice to my daughter.
All I know is I deserve someone who will treat me better than she did. My heart is open again to meet someone new and love them, but I now have a boundary set that i will not be afraid to leave a relationship if that future person over steps that boundary.
I do know that she no longer has an effect over me or control me in any type of way. Which is probably why i am getting more attitude from her, but i dont react to it, I just stay calm and collective which seems to make her even more mad in the moment. I have become a man of action, try to live in the moment, and let my actions speak for who i am. A friend told me my ex has just given you the keys to your freedom, enjoy it.
So all in all, I am doing well and look forward to the future and what it may bring.
Rexgm
Hey Rex great inspirational update
I have lost 40lbs in 3 months and the two things which have really helped me are cut out all refined sugar and fried foods.
The sugar was a big one because it was making me feel hungry all the time. I am amazed at how little I am hungry now. I was also a graze snacker and cutting out the sugar curbed that.
a question for the WW's
The temperate check, whether direct or indirect, is it something you are aware that your doing or is it more subconscious and then when it doesnt go as you normally think it would, you are curious as to why they are not doing it?
in other words are you trying to prove to yourself that you still have them wrapped around your finger, or is it more hey this isnt how they normally act what has changed?
If I was a WW then it would be because I have scrambled eggs for brains, entitled scrambled eggs.
V
I would say you are probably spot on about her with your post, but it is no longer my problem to deal with.
Im sure this has been answered by Sandi before...
I just dont understand how they want no part of your life anymore, but as soon as something goes wrong or they need something, they dont go to the OM, they have no issue coming back and asking for help? Does going to the OM for things like this ruin the fanasy or something?
This happens to me all the time. W just asked me for $100 to pay her gas bill. I wanted to tell her to go ask OM, but instead I decided not to respond. She walked out on me and our kids, and I've been taking care of them 100% by myself with no help from her. If anything, she needs to be giving me money...