gw5263 Online
Member
Registered: 09/10/17
Posts: 106
Little pissed today. Came offf a three day weekend work week and was told by my son that he was mad at my W. asked him why and he said that he wanted to make some fries yesterday but my W went I. The bedroom and locked the door, facetiming OMfor two hours. He said she does this regularly when I am at work and they knock or slip notes under the door. He said yesterday she wouldn't reapond and he tried to make fries himself. Luckily D 14 was home and helped.
I want so so bad to get in her a$& over this. What if something happened? The only boundary I could set would be to cancel the internet, but we get our tv thru it and it would be punishing the kids. To top it off, I believe you can still FaceTime using data. And for those that suggest it, I can't throw her out because her name is on the deed and in my state the only way to do this is if there is domestic violence. I will never go down that road.
I went all weekend not speaking to her unless it was about the kids because she did the same thing Thursday. Any suggestions or ideas? I have been detaching as directed, and GAL in between shifts. I don't follow on social media anymore and I try to get out as much as I can with work friends.
The bedroom and locked the door, facetiming OMfor two hours. He said she does this regularly when I am at work and they knock or slip notes under the door. He said yesterday she wouldn't reapond and he tried to make fries himself. Luckily D 14 was home and helped.
I want so so bad to get in her a$& over this.
gw5263,
I think the right thing to do for your children's sake is to man-up and tell your wife that her behavior is unacceptable. If she doesn't shape up, then she can ship out. That seems like a perfectly normal and reasonable response to her behavior. No?
Need a little help. Confronted my W about the facetiming and she denied it, even went as far as to say S was lying. Then to top it all off, I got in the master bedroom closet to get my metal detector out ( one of my new GAL activities I enjoy)while moving the detector , it caught on a box and a small bag fell and the contents hit the deck. Sex toys, several. One life size rubber penis a small vibratory, and arousal gels. W saidafriend got them for her as a gag, howeverthenpacking alip withitnhad her name on it as sold to. Apparently these FaceTime sessions have become sex shows. She is ignoring the kids to get herself off whilenthat POS watches. In addition to all that, S advisedmethatmy D sometimes hangs out in the room( not during the sex shows) while W and OM has aconersation
I have told her not to contact him while in the house, no text calls or FaceTime. I can’t kill the internet because we get our tv that way and it would punish the kids. Can’t put her out and she won’t willingly leave. Any thoughts or ideas? I’m getting to the point that I don’t care anymore and wouldn’t be too bothered if she ran off.ahe has no concern for anything or anyone other than herself and the POS. It doesn’t bother her that due to her actions, this could be the last thanksgiving and Christmas we have as a family. In fact I think she and he may actually be planning a visit by OM for Christmas break. I need not confirm that because his visit would not go as planned.... just extremely frustrated and angry right now....
GW,
You came here because you wanted to bust your d. Have you read the book? MWD addresses the end games and only you know if you are there. I never thought I’d get there but my W’s antics with OM2 became too much and I did.
Time for an ultimatum (only if you mean it and can follow through with it)?
W, I can no longer live like this for my sake and for the sake of the children. If you do not end your relationship with OM immediately, then I am going to see my L and file for D. This is an ultimatum not a discussion. See what she does (not what she says) and act accordingly.
Well, I think I found a solution. After sleeping on it, I realize I can just change the Wi-Fi access password. And not give it to her, that way she can’t access FaceTime in the house and the kids can still watch TV
GW,
You need to toss all that sh*t you found in the trash. Them tell her that getting off to OM in yiur home like that ain't happening. Next get a lawyer. If things have gotten this bad, then they are bound to get worsr. And you already mentioned her potential holidays plans with OM. Your kids are watching you and how they deal with their future R will be based on how you handle this sitch.
But what does this accomplish? The jugular of your M is gushing and this is a band aid.
That's not going to solve anything. She can go get Wi-Fi somewhere else.
She may very well be able to get the WiFi elsewhere but she won’t harbit aailanke at the house. Any ideas are welcome. This is one of my boundaries, right or wrong. I told her not to contact the OM in our home, and especially not I. Front of our children. Is the thebwrong approach to take? Seriously, I have no idea what to do about this.
GW.....so you set that as boundary and what where her consequences for breaking the boundary?
Losing her WiFi access was the best I could come up with at the time. The options were limited. I can’t put her out and she will not leave on her own. In my state as long as there is no domestic violence and her name is also on the deed I can’t put her out or change the locks. Losing her WiFi access was the best enforcement of my boundary. Without it she cannot text or FaceTime him while in the house. She will have to go out and up the road to do this. To me it is disrespectful to me, our home , and our children for her to hole up in a room for two hours at a time, ignoring the kids, to talk to this a$&hole. If I am wrong someone please tell me because I feel so restricted in what I can use as a boundary and a consequence. To me, losing her WiFi access is a consequence of violating my boundary. We live way out in the country and WiFi is basically how we get everything- tv, internet, etc. I pay all the bills and I will not allow her to use something I pay for to have video sex with OM for an hour or two. She will not use our home as her A base. As I said, if I’m wrong please tell me.
She is putting on a sex show for OM in your house and you don't want to D her because of why?????? That is what you need to think about IMO you are far beyond dealing with WIFI issues.
She puts on a sex show for another man in your house with your kids in the house with the door locked and your response is to take away her WIFI? G-Dub.....that's not good.
So you take away the WIFI......can't she go sign up again? Does she have any money to pay that bill?
No she doesn’t have the money to pay the bill. I am filing right after Christmas. I didn’t want to have a divorce going on during the holidays for the kids sake. This activity is new, just started this week. She can’t sign up for any thing else, and at present this seemed the best option. I had planned on filing anyway but this seals the deal. It’s all I can do, joesph9. The WiFi is to address the immediate issue. The D filing will take care of the rest. I have gotten to the point where D seems the best option at this time. She is out of control, in my opinion, and nothing I do will matter to her until she is served, and maybe not even then. It’s as if she’s had a mental break of some sort. I have saved all the crazy texts and plan on going for full custody given her actions and state of mind.
Sorry GW, I know it hurts. It sounds like you just need to get through the holidays the best you can and then file. I don't see an issue with restricting the WIFI. But definitely you need to file ASAP.
I am joe. I’ve tried. I’ve tried hard. She is a completely different person with a completely different mentality now. She told me last week that if OM broke it off she’d date someone else vs working us out. She has several strays messaging her and hitting on her. I’m nondoctor, but from what I’ve read it almost sounds like a MLC. She is 47 years old so I guess it’s possible. She has no plan for post D other than to say she’ll just figure it out...... I’m at a loss and ready to let it go and just worry about the kids and myself. She can fend for herself
Who knows GW.....you will probably never know. You just have to let go and move forward with your life.
It is easier said than done but don't waste any more of your energy on her. Just start taking care of yourself and making a great life for you and the kids.
Your boundary is not contacting OM while she is in the house. But you are okay if she contacts him outside of the house? Are you okay with an open marriage?
No I’m not okay on either count. But there is really no way to stop her from contacting him away from the house. That is impossible to enforce or even prove. I would obviously prefer her to have no cantact whatsoever with this POS, but how do you stop it if you don’t know it’s happening? . She pays her own phone bill because I will not pay to allow her to contact him. The best I can do contac wise is makenit as difficult as I can for her to contact him . Shutting down the house does that. We live in a remote area so that’s the best route. Nothing else I can do until I file for the D. Hate to be the one to file but if I file first l come out a lot better in this county than she will.
GW, remember that a boundary is for you, not someone else. You have no way to enforce a boundary on her. If finding out about her contacting the OM hurts you, what can you do to minimize the pain on YOU? That's where your boundary should be.
GW,
Just get the process started now. Your W needs to know what it feels like to lose the holidays with family.
I honestly don’t know. I thought my boundary was the no contact at the house. Guess I still have a lot to learn. I don’t want her contacting him in my house tho. What can I do about that? The hurt that it causes me? No idea what to do about it. I don’t want my kids exposed to it. I don’t want them to walk in on a sex show. I have told her I can’t stop her from contacting him outside the home but did not want her to contact him from the home. I felt like it is direspectful. She only does it when I’m not around. What do I do?
I’m nondoctor, but from what I’ve read it almost sounds like a MLC. She is 47 years old so I guess it’s possible
Why MLC? Just b/c she is 47? Women don't have a MLC just b/c she's in her late 40's. I have told you all alone that she is wayward. And now you are seeing just how low she has stooped......so you tell yourself it must be a
MLC? Perhaps that's the only way you can deal with it.
The reason I even bring it up is b/c I think you are an example of a lot of people who move over to the MLC forum. They simply can't believe their S could do the things they do unless it's MLC. Nobody can get lower than a wayward. Nobody can be colder, turn their back on their kids, be as cruel, manipulative, challenging, dramatic, angry, sense of entitlement, and selfish to their core.......like a wayward.
I have also seen many LBH's move to MCL forum b/c they felt that they wouldn't have to apply tough love if the W was in MLC. Tough love, for some people, means enforcing boundaries.
What your W has been doing is not at all uncommon for a WW. Everything about her waywardness is disgusting and disrespectful.
Do what you need to do, but please.......don't lie to yourself about her.
You can’t control her you can only control you. You have options. Here are three: (1) ignore the behavior/wait it out and hope it stops, (2) confront her and constantly call her out on it which may drive her to move out and in with OM and/or file for d, or (3) you can decide you will not be in a relationship with a woman who is in a relationship with another man and file for d.
Sandi, I agree with you again. I am at a really low point right now and I guess I’m grasping at straws to explain every little new detail that tears it’s ugly head. To be completely honest, I think I’m looking for any reason not to file for the D. I know deep down that this is what must be done. Just trying in my mind to justify not doing it. Before I came to the board she put me through a month of mental hell just so I’d lay down and not make waves until she could fly down and play house. Then all the threats of taking the kids and making me a summer dad. I allowed myself to be played and manipulatednlike a fool. I have done 180s and tried to GAL the best I could given my work schedule and this in house separation. You were absolutely correct early on when you said in house was a living hell. It truly is. Had I known better I would have stayed out and let her flounder, but her ruthless self knew to play the kid card. I’m quickly reaching a point where none of this matters anymore. I used to try and get home as soon as I got off hoping it would stop contact, or that my mere presence would make a difference since he’s so far away. I read and re read into every subtle clue I saw, real or imagined , looking for hope where none truly existed. And she always knew just what to say to push that dagger farther in. I asked for advice, agreed with it, and did the exact opposite because I let emotion get in my way and cloud my judgement. And yes, a medical explanation for allnthis mess would be easier to accept than the truth, but thankfully I’m not that far gone yet. You are correct, it is what is is. She is a wayward, a truly ruthless self centered all about her to hell with the rest wayward. She actually showed what she is in a post—-“the woman you are becoming will cost you people, places, material things, spaces, and relationships. Choose her over everything” . So you are right , I was and to a point still am weak. If I have a shred of care left I need to go back to the post I did a couple of weeks ago and look at what that angry fed up me said and follow thru or just throw in the towel and move on. Enough wallowing and justifying. This whole thing has exhausted me mentally and has exacted a high price on my life. I’m letting go and moving on with me. She can figure her out. If it works out it works out. I can’t push this car uphill anymore. I will continue to 180 and work harder to GAL, but I think right now that filing will have a big impact on everything and it’s time... may not have to follow thru with it but it’s time. I’m sorry I’m all over the place and have wasted so much time and energy, most of all I’m sorry to have gotten so much good advice and not heeded most of it.
GW,
You dont have to be worry. You want to save your M and family. This is not an easy situation to deal with. You have gave a lot and did what you thought was right. Don't beat yourself up.
You will get your respect back. Find happiness, and it's out there. Believe it or not, from what I have read your W is still leaning on you.
I think one of the many problems I have is boundaries. I can quote chapter and verse on criminal law and departmental policies but I cannot for the life of me grasp the boundary concept. I have no idea which to set in my ditch or how to enforce them. Some have tried to explain it to me but my thick head cannot wrap around them. Can someone please try the coloring book version for me? I thought telling her no contact with OM in our home was a good one and the consequence of losing WiFi access was a good boundary but from what I see I was wrong . Can anyone help with this, please?
GW, I had a hard time understanding boundaries at first. Maybe I can help.
A boundary is like a shield - it protects you from injury. It's not used like a sword against others. It also isn't a consequence.
The first step to setting boundaries is to identify actions from others that offend or hurt you. So if someone yells in your face, that hurts. Recognize the hurt. Then you can vocalize "I'm not going to let you yell at me". You're basically saying that you don't accept that behavior.
Next, there might be an action you take as a result of your boundary being violated. The action is for you only, not to control others in any way. You can't control others, but you can protect yourself from them.
Does that help at all?
So if the person continues to yell in your face, you can end the conversation. You can walk out of the room.
Gotcha. The problem I’m having right now, is that my wife isn’t exhibiting any of those type behaviors she doesn’t yell she doesn’t scream we don’t argue we get along just fine. Until there is any mention of the relationship which I try not to do. When there is relationship talk usually become as one side it quickly and it ends. I thought telling her that I wanted her to have no contact with him in our home while setting a boundary and I thought the consequence of taking away her Wi-Fi access was enforcement. I see what you’re talking about now, that seems to be a controlling behavior. I just don’t want her to contact him from inside of our home I can’t do anything when she’s outside but it just appeared to me like I could stop her from doing it inside. I can see where that would come off as a punishment
You need a boundary for you that you can control and will enforce:
I will not be yelled at (end conversation).
I will not have sex with my w if she is in a R with OM (refuse all advances).
I will not stay married to my w if she is in a R with OM (file for d).
The problem I’m having right now, is that my wife isn’t exhibiting any of those type behaviors she doesn’t yell she doesn’t scream we don’t argue we get along just fine.
That's because she has the best of both worlds (cake eating). She has you supporting her, the kids 100% of the time and the OM. Why would she rock the boat?
Not putting up with her BS and A is not controlling it's called self respect.
I wouldn't wait until after the holidays it takes along time to go through anyway.
LH19, that is where I am. I contacted my L and he will begin to draw up the papers. She is adamant about divorce and not working on us. I cannot and will not tolerate this any longer. It has been 8 months of hell. She has destroyed our family with her selfish behavior. The children are suffering unnecessarily because of her actions. Her thought process is one sided and she doesn’t care. Since she wants this divorce maybe she should begin to feel what it will be like for her. Pay her own insurance, find a place to live, Provide her own health insurance, see how difficult it’s going to be for her. She makes a grand total of $800 a month and right now she has a $400 car payment and car insurance and health insurance then she’s left with $250 a month to live on but see how she plans on pulling that off. I’ve asked her several times how she planned on living and she said she would figure it out. She may have plans to move to Georgia to be with another man, but the children won’t go. The court will not allow it because it will cut into my visitation. In addition, I have the sought in official agreement stating that she can take the children out of state to be with him I will never do that. And I’ve done everything I could possibly do to try to save this, but ultimately she is the one that decides. I hope she’s making a good choice . It’s possible that the shock of being served with the papers in seeing it on paper will make it a reality for, as ate up with this as she is I doubt it. Sometimes you just have to let go
I am really sorry you are going through this but trust me you will be ok and be happy again!
You know it’s funny, during one of our discussions she said that it was she was sorry that it came to this . She has all the power in the world to stop it but she refuses. I can’t do this anymore. I have to MoveOn for me and the children. She told me the her and other main broke up she would date someone on the street before she came back to me. That tells me everything I need to know. On top of that I found out she’s been talking to three or four other guys on messenger. She could never be trusted even if she came back I’ll be a fool to think so. I don’t know what change my wife in the person she is now but whatever it is is powerful. It’s a completely good honest trustworthy one and turned her in the something I’ve never seen before. Concerned with nothing but her own selfish needs. The only real worry I have an all this is the child custody. I’m going to go for full custody based on her walking a mile route for two hours to FaceTime every night I’m not home, or leaving them for a week in July, and her complete disregard for the family. That, and the fact she’s not financially able to provide a stable home for them. I would say it’s going to get pretty ugly before it ends.
She is a wayward, a truly ruthless self centered all about her to hell with the rest wayward. She actually showed what she is in a post—-“the woman you are becoming will cost you people, places, material things, spaces, and relationships. Choose her over everything”.
I just wanted to follow up on this comment you made earlier. What a truly horrible and selfish thing for her to say. Where did she post that?
I'm flabbergasted trying to wrap my brain around the mentality.
I’m going to go for full custody based on her walking a mile route for two hours to FaceTime every night I’m not home, or leaving them for a week in July, and her complete disregard for the family. That, and the fact she’s not financially able to provide a stable home for them. I would say it’s going to get pretty ugly before it ends.
GW,
Let the dust settle and get your emotions in check before you make that decision and also consult with a L. It will be hard for you to get full custody of your children in the court of law.
The pretty’s pretty much sums her up in a not shell right now that’s exactly how she’s thinking and acting
LH. I have an appointment with my lawyer next week. I know the odds of full custody are pretty far-fetched but I’m gonna see if I can get temporary full custody until she gets her self sorted out and settled in somewhere stable. My biggest fears that her and this guy break up and she has a parade of other men rolling through there that my kids have to deal with. She’s not ride anymore like I said an earlier post something powerful has taken her over and turn her out. It’s like Sandy said in one of her post. Girls gone wild
GW,
That is exactly how I feel with my W. OM might be out of the picture now, but W is willing to throw everything away for any man who shows any bit of attention. Which is a huge reason, I got the divorce papers drawn up. Also I have seen that same quote all over FB. Women are using that quote to justify screwing ober their families over "changing" themselves. Biggest b.s., I have ever heard.
My stbx told me the same and she is already on to OM2.
I’m beginning to think there was OM18 before this guy. She had mentioned early on in the situation that an old friend of hers had been Sexting her but she ignored him back in October. Well in October she went to West Virginia with the kids for a week to visit her parents. She told me later that this guy had wanted to meet up with her for sex. But she didn’t. I’ll begin to believe now she did, because this is one of the guys she started talking to again on messenger even though she still involved with OM . I suspect this is been going on longer than what I realize.
Yeah, I learned that the hard way. I have never been a snooper but my stbx confessed to me her affair(s). The good folks here have told me that confessions are only partial truths. There is so much more they don’t tell you. So maybe she is on to OM2...or maybe OM22...it’s no longer my concern.
Exactly. Just wish I could understand the why. How someone who was honest and loyal to a fault could end up the ruthless B in my house
Maybe it is like cancer, always there waiting for a trigger
Exactly. Just wish I could understand the why. How someone who was honest and loyal to a fault could end up the ruthless B in my house
Same but there is a point you reach and realize you will never understand why and that it ultimately doesn’t matter.
Had the D talk last night. She blamed me for making her have the affair. Said she had no interest whatsoever in working on us just because she didn’t want to. Said it would be a waste of time. When I asked how she planned to lie after the D she just said I’ll figure it out. She cant move in with OM because the military, last I knew, will not allow you to shack up in base housing, which is where he lives. Maybe they do now, it’s niether here nor there. She also said that I wouldn’t get proper visitation, just the summers and spring breaks. She is in no position to dictate that because it’s up to the judge for one and second I have to sign an agreement allowing her to take them out of state, which I will never do. She says this is vindictive. She’s the one doing wrong and I have to oay the consequences? Wrong answer. She can’t afford a lawyer and he won’t pay for it. This is gonna get ugly.
GW,
What do you want? The good folks here convinced me to go for 50-50 custody. Stbx tried to make me an every other weekend dad. Get a good L and get what you want. Where she lives is no longer your concern but if she has nowhere to live, you may get full custody. Too many WW have also abandoned their children. Be ready for anything.
And the spew? Ignore it. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t fight. It’s not worth your emotional energy. I am fond of the phrase: “I am not going to defend myself from false accusations.” That’s a conversation ender. Yes, the LBH is always to blame for the affair. You made her lay down with another man, right? Watch out for all sorts of false accusations including false police reports.
GW,
Seems to me you dropped all DB principles. You havent properly detached yet. How about you completely detach and then see what happens. It's amazing how a WW has a change of heart when they see you have truly moved on emotionally. You don't need a D to do that.
You W can tell you still are holding to try and save the M. Don't bring up D again and truly let go. You are letting go for yourself not her. Start detaching with love. Stop letring the A affect your decisions. Let her be and go. Start your own journey.
Seems to me you are using D in a vindictive way. Don't D until you are truly done and you will know because, you will be fully detached. You are not. You are still hurting.
You can't force her out the A. But you can start to draw her back to you. Start to let off confidence and positivity and see what happens. Make yourself the best option. The OM is looking like a better option at the moment. How can you become the better option. You becoming the better option will take time. She has to notice on her own. Find ways to make yourself happy. Smile, laugh and enjoy yourself especially around her. Try these things first. Then if you feel like D is the option you will already be in a better place.
When her actions stop affecting your actions you will be fully detached.
I think that might make a huge difference in your Sitch.
This will take time, be patience. Get on your knees, if GOD is what you believe in and ask for GODS patience. Ask him to give you the type of patience he has. Also ask him to give you grace. Those prayers helped me a huge amount. Alot of anxiety stopped after I received GOD's grace.
You can do this. Be strong and firm. Hang in there.
Thanks joe joe, it’s just den a frustrating emotional couple of days. Putting up the tree sparked it all, knowing that this may very well be our last Christmas together as a family because she has fallen for some douche on the other end of a phone. I know, I remembered what Sandi said about it being emotional and him filling her emotional needs. It just kills me that it has come to this rather than her being adult enough to tell me there was an issue. I’ll be ok in a day or two and I’ll probably get back up on the horse. As far as using the D in a vindictive manner, I’m not. She’s the one adamant about it, and she needs to know it’s real, not part of fairytale world. It has real life implications and consequences. It’s not just an end and her beginning. It affects four lives rather dramatically. If she wants it she needs to be prepared. I don’t want my kids to have to go through living in some shite hole, being around the man who helped destroy thier family, or a parade of other clowns. I don’t want them to do without, and I don’t want them to only get to see me when she sees fit. I’m going to file, she’s not going to change her mind anytime soon and dump him. Filing isn’t the end, it’s just showing her I’m not going to live in an open marriage or with someone who has no respect or love for me. I’m preparing for the possible outcome while working on saving us. And I have a lot of work to do. Priority one is emotional control and detaching. I was doing a decent job until the tree day. Then my bubble popped. I have to put on the brakes and take corrective measure. I have one ally right now and that is time.
GW,
You are right, time is your friend. You are right not to want to live in an open marriage as well. Get back on the horse. I understand those emotional moments and how they can knock us down. But they won't hold us down.
If she wants D, let her do the work. Start working on detaching today. No more R or M talks. Give her all the space she needs. Don't bring up OM at all. Let her focus on him. Its time you focus on you and not her and him. Back off all the way.
Tell her hi and bye, and only convo about the kids. After weeks and months of a change like this she will have no choice but to notice. But trick is, you becoming happy for real. Loving on your kids for real. Enjoying your life for REAL. No half a$$. You become positive. You start smiling and laughing around her. Telling silly jokes. She will test and try to bait you out of being happy and joyful. Dont let her. Keep smiling. Keep being happy. This is your way out. You are worried about you now.
I just need to get my emotions in check and start all over. She still is active on the phone with OMand reuses to end it. She says she’s past the point of working on us and refuses to even attempt it. I know there is no point in trying now because of the active A. She still says she wants a D but has no plan at all. After her payments she will have 250 a month left to pay rent and utilities. She can’t go to him I’m Georgia because I refuse to sign an agreement for that and never will. So she has no real concept of what D will look like for her. I have retained a lawyer but she can’t afford one. She’s done the blame game this week, blaming me for making her have an affair. She also freely admitted that she feels sick if she doesn’t hear his voice daily. I took a good look at this and they are so far apart compatibility wise it’s not funny. He smiles, drinks, has animals in the house, and a motorcycle, all previously dealbreakers. I am going to try hard as I can tonfollow the advice Sandi gave me. Time for tough love and not emotional diagnosis. She is what she is, a lying manipulative ruthless wayward. Timentondealnwithnehr as such. Any tips, suggestions or 2x4’s are appreciated. At the beginning of the week it felt like I had gone as far as I could andnit was time to bail but I don’t feel that strongly about it right now.!whoever said this was an emotional rollercoaster was spot on. Sad one day, mad, frustrated, fed up, confident, then back to sad. Hard to keepnitnallnin check.
GW,
Maybe the reason she was attracted because he was the total opposite of you and her deal breakers. Thats not your worry.
Give her space. Dont tell her about how he's opposite. Let her figure out on her own what's not for her and what is. The more you try to convince this guy is for her to more you push her towards him.
From now on just STOP. When you about to engage your W, tell yourself STOP. That helps a lot. Your job is not to save her, but paved the road home smooth.
You are too worried about this OM, this makes you look weak. Look strong. Stop giving him so much jead space. I know it's hard. The faster you can move on and let go. MAYBE the faster your W comes back. But you have to stop forcing her to do what you want her to do. Almost every post you write you mention her and OM, that lets us all know, that's what you are focused on. Focus on yourself.
How are you doing? Whats your GAL? Whats your 180s? How are you detaching? Update us on you and only you for a few post. Let your W be.
Joe joe she initiated the talk last night. I try not to focus on him or her but I find it wry difficult. My189s are great but right now my GAL are terrible. All I do is work and come home. Daysoff are spent doing things to the house or car and trying to catch up with a couple of shows I like. I really need to get out more.it feels so wrong to me to allow this to go on while I’m working on me but I know it’s the way it hastoe to achieve the end result. She’s brought up the D again and I guess it put me in a tailspin. Time to start over
Just go and file for a divorce. W either kicks OM to the curb or things continue. Regardless you will be free from this mess. Not focusing on her is a good thing, but she still gets to take advantage of being married to you.
Sadly I don’t honk she will kick him to the curb. She told me she thought when I found out I wouldn’t care about it and I’d just give up and let her go. She said it shocked her when I began to fight for us. She’s had several opportunities to leave and hasn’t done so. I asked her what divorce looked like to her and she said we would be done and she could move on. She has not got the first idea what it will be like. She just says she’ll figure it out when it’s time. She did say one thing that sticks with me now. I asked what he did for her I didn’t..... her answer haunts me now. She said, all he did was pay attention.............
GW,
The craziest part of that logic is that sneaking around doesn't give you much time for attention. Like in my sitch the time W was communicating with this via text and quick calls was likely the same time or kess than I was giving her.
Worst part of it is the fact that if she would have just said something we’d never been in the place we are in now. She thought I wouldn’t listen or didn’t care and didn’t bother. Just went on... she’s had every opportunity to stop it and tell me the issues rightup to the day I caught her. Thewayward took over and ran with it and runs to this day
GW,
Listen, she probably tried to tell a whole bunch Of times about her need for attention from you, but you didn't listen. We have all been there. Then your W went looking some where else for the attention she desired. Ok, you know this.
Stop blaming yourself. Pick yourself up and be a man. Get your self respect back. Your W might not want to be married to you today, but that can change in a month. Stop worrying about what she is saying right now. She is hurt, confused and giving her attention to OM.
Do you want a chance to save your M. If so, stop fixing cars at the house, fixing up the house, and get away from that house. Those things you are doing around the house seems to me like you are trying to keep tabs on your wife. Leave your W alone. Get a life. Save yourself so you can have a chance to save your M.
Please for the sake of yourself and a chance to save your M. Again a CHANCE to save your M, GAL, get away from that house.
What she does with the OM is not your business. And you are not ready for a D. Take time and properly DB. Properly detach. Please my man. Do these things for you. I know you can. You deserve to be happy.
I understand what your saying. When I’m home she usually isn’t, due to my schedule. Most of my days off are during the week when she works. We are only off together every other weekend. When she comes home during the week she comes in changes and goes for a two hour walk to talk on the phone to lose boy. She comes in we all eat, and shortly after she goes to bed. So there’s not much to keep tabs on. They aren’t meeting up because he’s a thousand miles away.
Iknow I don’t need to worry about what she’s doing but a few things do concern me. The amount of her money that should be coming into the house that’s she’s spending on him, and the fact that she may very well have plans to take my kids and move in with him. These things concern me. I’m having difficulty with GAL because everyone I know is an hour or more away. But I’m going to work on that. I have a lot to do. I have been all over the map during this and I have to settle down and get to work before it’s too late. Thanks joe joe. I wish we were closer , I’d really like to have a sit down with ya..
GW,
I live in Texas. I would love a meet up. Holding and I met up in San Antonio. I think meet ups would benefit each of us A lot.
You are paying the bills, while your wife is not paying anything and buying her OM things for himself.
Also, she goes for a walk and then come back and have dinner with the family? This all sounds like super cake eating. Why not make dinner time while she is talking to her OM and then put all the food up and let her make her own plate. Are you doing all the cooking?
Maybe its time for you to move out. You did it before. She didn't fair well right.
You are a good man, your wife needs to feel the lost of her good man.
It finally happened, I had my aha or breakthrough moment.i havecome to realize I cannot control anything but me. I haveeen walking around now for three days with a smile on my face, I feel better,and have accepted my situation for what it is. I worked yesterday, so we decided as a family to do thanksgiving today. I went out of my way to make it a good one and made sure the kids really enjoyed it because this may very well be the lastthamksgiving we will have as a family due to my wife’s refusal to end herA.Christmas as well. She knows how I feel about this, so there is no need to bring anything else up again. Maybe the holidays and the fact that it could be our last will help, but I doubt it. I have oddly enough been working on detachment and strangely enough find it almost relaxing. No more stressing over what she’s doing, what they are planning, is she talking to him, nothing. I find my self ignoring things that previously had me guessing or mind reading. She hasn’t facetimed him in about four days. Previously I’d have sworn up and down it was a sign from god that they were breaking up. Not so now, now I just roll on and do my thing. I got my metal detector back out and I am going to work around some old civil war era house my boss owns, pretty good hobby that I am just getting into again. I’m taking it day by day guys. Took me too long to get here,but of you helped me thru, thanks a million. Iknow the road is long but I’m going down it in a better frame of mind now.
GW,
Great to hear! Now it's time to Ghost. Let us know what you find. Hopefully a few bullets, buttons and coins. Keep up the detaching and hard work.
I have yet to find a button joe joe. My area is full of enamel ta though. Really want a belt buckle or bayonet. I have found that once I made peace with myself it came pretty easily, so far. I have a great group of friends that are helping me along my way. That, andthe knowledge that her threats are empty and she will come out the bad side of a possible divorce now me now. I hope for the best now but have prepared for the worst. Time will tell how this goes.
GW,
That's right time. Let time do it's thing and you do yours by DBing. Sound like you are doing a lot better.
You found a bayonet. Nice! I know you were happy as hell about that find.
Oh,
And from what you have posted. Your W needs you more than you need her. You have been there to pick up her broken pieces. You shouldn't do that anymore. Make that laneway smooth, bit no more cleaning up her mistakes.
So I somewhat agree she might come out the outside worst off than you, but it will hurt just the same. But that's the reality of these sitchs.
Odd day . Today I woke up and felt like I just didn’t care about it anymore . I guess all the months of trying and doing the wrong thing and trying to do the right thing with no results hasworn me out. I’m not foolish enough to think this is a lasting feeling because ive felt it before. But for today I feel at peace. stl having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that she had sex toys shipped to her job, at a middle school..... did some research and found that the company sends it in a plain box, however after the sale they send flyers to the people that ordered. The fliers , however are not discreetly shipped. So since she ordered them and had them sent there the fliers will come there. For her boss and coworkers to see... I don’t think they will be well recieved and could quite possibly cost her her position there. For starters, who the hell has sex toys shipped to thier job at a middle school, and second, whydid shethinknit was ok to have our S13 ringthe package home for her? She has definatley losther mind. I wasn’t planning on going her a warning, however I did. Not for her,it was a stupid thing to do, but for the kids. It would be around the school like wildfire and they don’t need that along with everything else going on. First time Ive said anything remotely about the R in two weeks.
I wish I knew how to convince newcomer LBH's to work at improving themselves and GAL like crazy, fix the things they have control over, and have no expectations from their WW. It's like every guy wears himself completely out, b/c he is working so hard on the relationship. But there is no relationship! It's over. You are like a hampster running on that wheel that gets you no where.
Why don't you stop working on a MR that doesn't exsist? Why don't you start focusing on getting a life.....for real? Enjoy life apart from her. Stop watching her. It's killing you.
Sandi, I have no expectations anymore. I have been doing my own thing. The reason this came up was excuse she had my son ring them home. I did check online to see how the company shipped, and that’s how I found out about the fliers. She’s doing her thing and I’m doing mine. I’ve been out doing things every day for a week. Hunting with my metal detector, helping a friend am his farm, just got back from the lake. What I should have said was I am not concerned with what she’s up to now. We talk every night at home and watch a show together , andhae dinner with the kids. Other than that and the odd grocery store trip we each do our own thing. I have finally gotten to the point where I don’t care what she’s up to. All I want to do is be a better me and press on. Life’s too short to be medicated or chasing after someone who doesn’t want you. If she comes around she comes around, if not life goes on. I have wasted 6 months trying to make hersee how wrong this is. She’ll figure it out on her own. It’s her journey, mine is now separate thanks to her. If we get back together in the future fine, if not, it will hurt but I’ll be ok.
GW,
I am about to hit the year mark soon. Wasted so much time trying to bring logic to a sitch that makes no sense. Always remember that and work on yourself. My W is already making mistakes and I intend on sitting back and watching her land on her face. I have improved so much since DB and always these OM don't compare to me to be honest. Not bragging, but it is simply the truth.
My W is the problem and yours is likely the same. Nothing you do will change her mind until, she hits the point where she accepts her mistakes Then she will actually see all the changes you have made. From what I have noticed and heard, feeling that harsh reality is what bring back the WS.
GW,
You are talking at night and watching shows together and still eating dinner together every night? Why? Take yourself out Of these situations.
Who does the cooking? Is it you, because your W goes walking to talk to OM every night. Stop doing these things. That is your time now. Not you'll. Go away for a few days. Maybe spend the night on the lake. You are making yourself to available.
How did you know about the sex toys? Did you open the box, did your son open the box? I'm confused on how you even know. If your W opened the box, how did you know what was in it. You'll sleep in separate rooms. Seems to me you are still doing some lurking. You havent had enough yet.
You can tell us one thing GW, but your actions are speaking louder than your post.
Joe joe, back in an earlier post I told how I found them. They were in the walk-in closet in a bag. I went in to get my metal detector and when I grabbed it the bag fell off of a box next to it. Yes we eat together, not always. We both cook, and only eat as a family on my nights off, two one week and three the next. Don’t jump to conclusions, I’m not hovering around. I’m out in the woods, at the lake , or at a friends most of my free time. Nights are for the kids.. we eat, talk, and watch tv.
Ok,
My fault for jumping to conclusions. Forget about those sex toys. Keep up the hard work. I didn't know her sex toys fell out the sky at you. I would of the thrown them in the trash. And if she asked why, I would of told her I don't know where that garbage came from, because I have never seen them before.
Joe joe you don’t know how close I came to boxing them up and shipping them to OM with explicit instructions on what to do with them...... lol.... you and I think along the same lines I believe... your a good dude joe joe and I appreciate your input and 2x4 s when needed. I’d really like to meet up if Ky wasn’t so far away. Who knows maybe I’ll make a road trip on a short work week....
GW,
If you take a road trip to TX, I would def meet up with you. Holding had lunch a few months back and him and I text and call each all the time. When we are in tight spots we hit each other up.
It would be awesome to meet you. Just let me know, and inwould be there.
Hey all,
Been away for a bit working a lot and really having a good time with friends. Ie made some really positive changes of late. I have started working on detaching pretty hard,I have are no mention of the A, the MR,or working on us. ive been working on my GAL, had the metal detector out, and caught up on a hobby I let go a long time ago, model building. Things here have been different In the last couple of weeks. I’m not reading anything into the goings on but, W has only FaceTimed OM twice, once thedayefore thanksgiving, and this past Saturday for a halfhour while I was at work. I know this because my kids told me that she hasn’t done it since. They used to tell me how long she was in the room talking with him, and I also did check the phone logs... I know, leaenit be. But I had to know. She has changed her demeanor, alternating between pleasant and very edgy and moody. She has not gone on her walks at all, which is when she would telephone him. Also,a bottle of perfume he got her has bee gone since Saturday. I haven’t smelled it at all. She texts me and asks me about the day, and laughs and try’s to joke around when I am home. She has even flirted around a little and called me a pet name she used to call me before all this began.i realize this could all be a giant temp check, or may be in response to me pulling way back and not pressing anything. It could all be nothing. But, the fact that I have been able to stop pursuit and back away is for me, something. I have really struggled with this since I got here. Now I come and go as I please, interact a lot more with my friends,, and have injected a bit of myatery into the mix. I get texts all the time from subordinates as friends at work, so I’m on the phone quite a bit when I’m home. Lately she’s been asking who I’m texting or trying to look over y shoulder... not sure what to make of any of this or if I even should. I have found that distancing has brought me a form of peace. I stopped wondering what she was doing, who she was talking to, and what she was thinking. I have tried to push the both of them out of my head and go on working on myself. The new feelings I feel are starting to make me think hard about all of this. Why did I go to such extremes to “win back someone who didn’t want me” . Why did I put myself thru so much turmoil, wracking my mind and almost going insane trying to figure it all out. All I have to do is let go, and let it be what it will. There has been no more talk of D so far.guess. I am happier now tho. As I said, I feel some semblance of peace settling in. Hoping this all works out for the best. All I can do is keep doing what I’m doing.
GW,
Great job on letting go and giving her space. Keep the GAL up. Let her wonder some more. Don't worry about the other relationship at all. You keep working on yourself. Becoming a person only a fool would leave. GW2.0 is on the move. Onward and forward.
Nice work GW...it sounds like you are putting the puzzle pieces together. Continue what you are doing and don't take the bait when she starts to be nice. Be patient and stay the course.
Now I come and go as I please, interact a lot more with my friends,, and have injected a bit of myatery into the mix. I get texts all the time from subordinates as friends at work, so I’m on the phone quite a bit when I’m home. Lately she’s been asking who I’m texting or trying to look over y shoulder... not sure what to make of any of this or if I even should.
There is a reason to be mysterious. Women are drawn to it........especially a wife!
Your W and the OM may have had a lover's spat. Who knows. You are doing something right, and obviously, she appears interested. Continue doing exactly what you've reported.
Great job!
Just a quick question for Sandi or anyone else who may know. Is it normal for a WW to cover up when you come in the room? I went I. The MBR to get a shirt and she was changing pants and covered up like a stranger had walked in. Never mind I’ve seen her naked everyday for the last 17 years. Pissed me off for a split second then I got over it. All part of it I guess. Still has made no FaceTimes or calls like before. No long walks, nothing. Going shooting tomorrow with a good friend. First time trying a black powder muzzle loader. Looking forward to it!
gw5263, yes--i did the same thing... either i would not change my clothes in front of my H, or i would quickly cover up if/when he walked in on me... it's all a part of being separated, i think...
Is there a reason for it? Maybe they feel like it’s cheating on the OM?
artista, if you get a chance can you give my thread a read and se what you think? i'd really appreciate it!
Another question- this morning I woke up with a nagging thought. W has some items that OM bought her- perfume and a tin of cosmetics. She also has the sex toys he had her buy. Here’s the nagging thought- I felt a strong urge this morning to gather that stuff up and get rid of it. I know it would be an issue with her but I really can’t stand the thought of stuff he got her being in my home. I also thought I would move back into the MBR. She’s the one who cheated not me. Why should I sleep in a room with my S13. In case anyone is wondering why , early on in the ditch I moved out for a month to keep the kids in a comfortable environment. It’s explained earlier in my posts. She rented a small apartment that I could not see my kids, especially S13 who is autistic living in so I told her I’d mow into it so the kids could stay in thier home .
GW,
Absolutely move back into the MB and feel free to remove the $hit for your house. Time to show your cheating W who is king of the castle.
Another question- this morning I woke up with a nagging thought. W has some items that OM bought her- perfume and a tin of cosmetics. She also has the sex toys he had her buy. Here’s the nagging thought- I felt a strong urge this morning to gather that stuff up and get rid of it. I know it would be an issue with her but I really can’t stand the thought of stuff he got her being in my home. I also thought I would move back into the MBR. She’s the one who cheated not me. Why should I sleep in a room with my S13
You should have claimed the MBR when you first went back home. Sure, go ahead. Just realize it's probably going to cause a sh't storm. If you can handle it, go for it. But why now, just a few days from Christmas? I would wait till after Christmas and then make the changes immediately afterwards.
I read in a earlier post about you wanting to pack up the sex toy and send to OM. Please, never do that! Seriously, what type of reaction would you expect from him? He would laugh at you for
knowing another man is sending your W sex toys and you not doing anything about it......but return to sender. Not a good idea. But as for throwing them out.....I would say yes. You should have a boundary in place that
nothing stays in your home if it comes from OM......(or any keepsakes from the A).
I'm glad to hear how GAL is helping you. I wish we could convince other LBS how it would benefit them.
artista, if you get a chance can you give my thread a read and se what you think? i'd really appreciate it!
good morning... i have been following your journey, and you are one of the reasons i wanted to come and finally participate... in a nutshell, i think you are too nice to your WW... i think what she is doing to you and your children IN YOUR HOME is AWFUL...
i thought your idea to cut off her WiFi was a good one, and i was dismayed when others seemed to steer you away from that... because really, what other consequence can you apply? so what if she can always get WiFi elsewhere... the boundary was that she not disrespect you in your home... if she wants to facetime and have cyber sex down the street somewhere, that's on her... that has nothing to do with you... but in your home? forget that noise... and with your children there? having to slip notes under the door????!!!! OMG... that is insane... disgusting...
i do not think you should have bailed her out after she could not afford living on her own... she wants to be free from you, then she should go--be free... why should you support her until she can figure out a way to be with OM? how are you living with that? i will say it again, you are much too nice... i get you cannot kick her out of the house, but you can kick her out of your life... and if it happens that she makes changes because she wants to reconcile, you can invite her back in... but that cannot happen until you first kick her cheating a$$ out of your too-awesome life...
i am baffled that so many LBHs make room to allow their WWs to comfortably continue cheating... you don't have to make it easy for her... ugh... the image of her walking the neighborhood as she talks on the phone with OM, and WAVES at you while you are on the roof--that is, again, insanely disrespectful, disgusting... to me, that says, as far as she is concerned, she has your understanding... your approval...
mis dos centavos...
artista
p.s.--i know i am being blunt... but there are already plenty of contributors here who deliver their messages with the nice, soft cotton balls... a little barbed-wire, anyone?
--i know i am being blunt... but there are already plenty of contributors here who deliver their messages with the nice, soft cotton balls... a little barbed-wire, anyone? wink
I think you have come on board just in time, Artista. These nice guy LBH's have about wore me down!
Thanks for dropping in, I really appreciate the barbed wire. And you are spot on, I have been too nice. The reason I cam back home to to save the house she wasn’t paying on, and to make sure my kids had food and light. She paid next to nothing all summer. I have spiraled a lot during the cluster f that has been the last few months. Only in the last few weeks have I come to a place where I have started to detach and care less each week about who she’s talking to or about OM. I was a one point going to ruin him by turning him in to the military, but didn’t. Then other failed plans . I took advice , great advice and ignored it. Now I listen. Some changes have taken place, she has stopped facetiming him, hasn’t since day before thanksgiving. No calls that I’m aware of. She doesn’t take the walks anymore. Been super nice and chatty about my day her day, very concerned with who I’m talking to because I’m on the phone texting a lot. It’s only conworkers and subordinates, but she has no idea. I go out and she’s wondering where I’m going, and withwho. When I go to bed I message my brother for a little and I notice she pops on and right back off. The other night while Christmas shopping it was all next year we this we that. She’s acting like she was last December when there was no A. I don’t react much to this anymore. Just keep it civil and go on. My friends think they may have broken up when she told OM that she would have to move in with him after the D with the kids. ( her plan) and it spooked him. I do know several trinkets and a perfume he bought her that she had out arengone now. I don’t know or do I worry about it anymore. I have been doing things I haven’t done in a long time and really enjoy it. After the holidays I am retaking the MBR and getting rid of her sex toy. I have a problem with them being in my house and used when there is a perfectly good me here, and frankly I don’t want her getting off in our bed possibly thinking of him while ahes using it. I’m slowly working my way out of the fog. Just gonna take some patience and perseverance. Any thoughts ideas or whacks to the cabeza are very welcome!
GW,
You are doing great. I want tell you to stop checking or snooping, but slow it down until it stops. Keep GaLing and keeping interacting with your friends.
Great job at not reacting to her future talks.
Also, I want tell you to pay attention to those little signs of them breaking up. Don't stop DBing. Keep making yourself a person only a fool would leave. Let her see what's she's is losing and make her fight to get it back.
Just a quick question for Sandi or anyone else who may know. Is it normal for a WW to cover up when you come in the room? I went I. The MBR to get a shirt and she was changing pants and covered up like a stranger had walked in. Never mind I’ve seen her naked everyday for the last 17 years. Pissed me off for a split second then I got over it. All part of it I guess. Still has made no FaceTimes or calls like before. No long walks, nothing.
Sorry, I did not see this earlier. Yes, it seems to be a very common action for a WW to cover herself whenever the H enters the room. There are a couple of thoughts here. (1) She has emotionally withdrawn and detached from her H that she feels uncomfortable for him to see her without clothes, and she reacts the same as if he were a stranger. It is one of those weird things in the brain of a WW. (2) She sees herself being faithful to the OM, as if she is his secret W. By covering herself, she is saving her nakedness for his eyes only.
Hi gw5263,
Doesn’t it continue to amaze you the way WW continue to act! Just when you thought you’d seen and heard it all BANG something new crops up, so frustrating…
I was in your position with the total lack of respect I was receiving from my WW but luckily I am unaware of how far or how weird their R as gone and its basically due to me making the most difficult decision to move out of the family home. Please be assured it was not a move I took lightly as I left behind both of my sons BUT almost instantly I found myself off the ride…
Now I know people will say I did the wrong thing and allowed her to introduce the AP into “our” world without any resistance but again I was not willing to stand by and be systematically taken apart whilst allowing my boys to suffer her extremely toxic attitude towards our M and in fact to a degree the hindrance of our children NOT allowing her the freedom to continue her hedonistic ways.
I’ll ask you a question, if I had stayed would this have caused her to stop her A? < Sandi..?
Initially I did "ask" her to move out and in with her AP but there was NO CHANCE this was going to happen so took the decision to get away from her to save mine and that of my boys sanity.
The comment about her covering up I bet she doesn’t mind if you don’t cover up? You see it’s all about her, her selfishness has no limits and you need to be aware YOU DON’T EXIST IN THEIR WORLD at this moment in time.
If you are wanting to regain your M back and are willing to go through this type of exposure then more credit to you, I was not and to be honest it has allowed me to find the focus to concentrate on my own situation! I have also found peace away from their madness but do regret having to allow my boys watch their R pan out in front of them.
Sandi is right (as always) regarding her feeling like betraying her AP if she didn’t cover up, I have seen this time and time again even now with the push-backs I receive IF there is anything close to old feelings/attitudes raised through our interactions and can basically predict “we should start the D proceedings” conversations or the no shows for a week due to these events!
We mention here detachment I have no idea how you can detach whilst in the same house! For me that’s quite difficult especially when the WW is in the infatuation stage of her A, you’re just in the way and she’ll tell you or show you either way not good for the BS or their children for that matter.
I have preached on here detachment but being smart about it, remaining open to her and listening when she wants to talk also allowing her to vent her frustrations to you but with strong boundaries. < This I suggest you look into, learn about the boundaries you can ENFORCE and remove the madness from your life, it will give you focus to better see your situation and manage your goals on RC your M if that’s what you want or alternatively able to survive with or without your WW.
Be strong and get off the ride.
Mark.
So had a little bit of a blow up today. My son came home from school Monday with the Tinker crate, it’s a little kid the chips out once every month the contain something in the engineer in a mathematical or science field that the kids can put together an interact with. I get a little suspicious because back when I wasn’t snooping mode happen to notice the other man likes tinker crate. So I got on the website and checked and sure enough he did send it to my son as a gift. It was delivered to my wife’s work. Today she texted me and asked me to look up an address for and I casually mentioned that I really like the crate and want to know where she got it so I could get more for him. She told me a female coworker bought it for him. And for whatever reason I texted back oh that’s nice tell her thanks and by the way I didn’t know her name to change to Steven. You came up with that lot real quick. She hesitated and texted back yes she did lie to me because she knew at react this way and she didn’t want me to throw it away. I told her how disrespectful I thought it was for the man that’s destroying my family to send my son a gift. She said it wasn’t disrespectful at all he just want to do something nice for my son. It was a Christmas gift. I went on to tell her I want him to have nothing to do with my kids. Not a good day I had actually thought they may have broken up because there been no more FaceTime is no phone call since they before Thanksgiving. And she FaceTime to him every day that I was at work and called every night that I was home. I did notice she’s been on Facebook messenger a lot lately so maybe it’s been taking underground or they did break up and she’s moved on to other men number two. She did tell me she wanted to get to the bottom of who I’ve been texting and messaging a lot. I tried to tell her it was coworkers and people I’ve met in a different group I’m in. She seems to think I have a woman on the side.
So I got on the website and checked and sure enough he did send it to my son as a gift.
gw5263,
You should be livid about that. (Read livid as "totally f*cking over-the-moon p*ssed off.") Honestly, I'd meet with the @sshole in person and make certain he understands that giving your son gifts is unacceptable.
Today she texted me and asked me to look up an address for and I casually mentioned that I really like the crate and want to know where she got it so I could get more for him. She told me a female coworker bought it for him. And for whatever reason I texted back oh that’s nice tell her thanks and by the way I didn’t know her name to change to Steven. You came up with that lot real quick. She hesitated and texted back yes she did lie to me because she knew at react this way and she didn’t want me to throw it away. I told her how disrespectful I thought it was for the man that’s destroying my family to send my son a gift.
Of course she is going to lie.
I think the way you went about it was very passive aggressive, you were trying to trap her. I think it is better to be direct and say exactly what you want. For example, you could have said, "I was suspicious where the tinker set came from so I checked and it came from OM. I do not think it is appropriate for the OM who is breaking up a marriage to send our son a gift."
This might not be the best way to say it, but hopefully you get the idea.
I get it. I’m super livid right now. Many many thoughts swirling around. She thinks it’s absolutely ok and I’m lava hot about it. If he lived remotely close I’d be visiting. Old thoughts crept back about turning him in to the military again. Man d love to just beat his butt. She said stuf likethis is whyshe won’t work itnout.because I have major trust issues.... if she wasn’t doing what she is doing I wouldn’t. I am getting tired of this game. I pulled way back off her and started doing my thing. I talk to some people I used to work with and current friends a lot onthe phone and she’s talking now about checking to see who I was spending so much time talking to.like it matters. It bothers the hell out of her
I told her how disrespectful I thought it was for the man that’s destroying my family to send my son a gift.
GW,
So now what? More make believe boundaries? You are being completely disrespected in your own home time after time. What are the consequences? She texts you asking her to look up an address for her? WTF. What is your role in this relationship?
Come on man!
Well LH, what’s next is I’m done. She can go do what the hell ever. I am not wasting anymore time. She made her bed she can lie in it. He can put up with her crap, I’m done with it. It [censored], and I hate that my kids are going through this, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s killing me. I am tired of all of this drama. There is more to life than all this. I want my life back. Beginning to wonder why I wasted so much time energy and emotion chasing and wanting someone who did such terrible stuff to me and can’t understand why I feel the way I do. I feel like a fool. There is a better life out there and it’s time to go get it. This marriage was pronounced dead June 25 at 4 am anyway. All the cpr and shocks haven’t resurrected it. Time to call it I think
Beginning to wonder why I wasted so much time energy and emotion chasing and wanting someone who did such terrible stuff to me and can’t understand why I feel the way I do.
Read the following post from Accuray:
Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?
The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.
When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
Look man this $hit ain't easy! You fought to keep your family together. No one can ever take that away from you! It's time for GW to decide what kind of future does he want for him and his kids.
Your current sitch is sucking the life out of you!
She’s been blowing me up about divorce now. Going form she’ll take the kids and make me a summer dad to I get the kids and she rolls. She is all over the place right now. It’s insane! Blaming me for everything, I just ended up ignoring the thread. She made it clear what she wants so she can have it. I deserve better and i know it’s out there. She is spiraling deeper and deeper today. She said she just wants out. I’ve done all I can or really care to do at this point. Now it’s anoit moving forward and giving the kids the best life I can. Mom is grown and can fend for herself. Maybe one day, just not this day.
GW, I know it seems like it's been forever but you're only 6 months post BD and that is a really short time frame. Most of us don't start feeling normal again and in full control of our feelings until at least a year after BD. Don't make any hasty decisions. Just take a deep breath and relax and focus on you and your kids. Let your W do all the ranting and raving she wants, that's outside your sphere of control. Just try to be zen about it and think of her as a distraction that you're not going to let sway you from your path of being awesome.
Eventually if you go down the path of S and D then at some point you will have to face the reality of someone else buying gifts for your kids and going and doing stuff with them and your W. Just keep in mind that YOU are dad to your kids, not OM. W can throw OM at them as much as she wants but they know who dad is. My kids were 10, 16 and 18 when BD went down. At that age it's difficult, but I am very thankful they weren't so young that they might be confused over who dad is or why they have two dads or whatever. I think it's the same for your kids, they are old enough to know who dad is and you will always be dad. So don't worry about OM, he can't dethrone you. Especially if you keep focusing on your relationship with them.
GW,
At the end of an earlier post you said "I think". You were referencing you were done. Are you done or are you not. Its ok to not know.
Man, I'm going to be honest, your WW makes me mad. I just want to throw stuff at the wall after reading what she does.
Man you need to walk in your house and tell her to get the F out. If she leaves you dont care. You need to out her stuff on the front lawn. If she moves it back in who cares. She needs to see you are done. Please get your respect back. She needs to see you are not playing. The you don't want to be around her no more face. Tell her if she wants out you are stopping her and she need to see you as a life line is now dead.
Tell her to get out. She leaves who care, but she needs to hear you saying it.
jo joe i have told her to leave, as late as today. she will not go anywhere without the kids and i will not allow her to take them to stay with him. out of the question. she could not understand why i was so mad over this jackazz buying my son a gift, she said she was tired of me telling her things were disrespectful. like me not allowing her to call him in the house, or him buying a toy for my kid, or her using a damn dildo thinking of him. i drew the line. i am not playing these mess around games any more. if she wants to go the door is open, but i will not tolerate this shoot any more. |During the day she went from i want a divorce and ill take the kids to youll be a summer dad, youre punishing me for loving someone else by not letting the kids go, to you win, youll get the kids and ill move on. ||She acted like she was in a panic all day. all this over a toy. then the blame game began. its all my fault, shell never work onus blah blahblah. this was all unsolicited texts. I almost believed they had broken up, because the calls and facetime are non existant, however she is active on messenger, but today made me think they either went underground for no apparent reason or they did and OM2 is on deck. She went as far as to say that since i was investigating things - the toy- she might need to investigate who i spend my time texting. its a buddy from work and a friend in florida. blame game. i am not sure where im at in totality, today just put me in a whatever, take off chick mindframe. im just tired of all of this right now. very tired. mentally and emotionally exhausted.
GW,
One of the best things about not having my W in the home is constantly explaining how her actions are disrespectful. As if after years of MR and just being a human being. These WS suddenly have no clue that their actions are disrespectful. Even though they are sneaking around doing these things. Don't give your W an inch, regardless how much much she tries to give you the guilt trip.
GW,
You can't control her leaving but you can show her you eant her out. My point was tell her you want her A$$ out of the house. She leaves good, she don't oh well.
Next take her things and put them on the lawn, if she wants to stay let her carry them back in.
Yo, yo, yo, pls stop letting her say things like you not letting play with myself with the OM in the house you two are living is you holding her back. If I was you, I would throw them in a trash can. She has no respect for you at the moment. Take your dignity and respect back. Why do you care, if she cares who you are talking too. Stop telling her who you are talking to. Let her wonder. Make yourself mysterious.