I am not new to DBing. I'm here for the second time actually. My story is not unlike many others. There were things I did that broke down our R. There were things that SO did as well. Ultimately, it ended in her giving me that dreaded ILYBNILWY speech. The rest is history. Beyond a few more logistical items, she will be completely moved out by the end of the week. So far, we are only 7 days since BD. That will be the last I see of her, with the exception of running into her by accident. She has literally decided to lease a home very close to me, so her son can continue in the same school as my daughter. It will be extremely awkward seeing her and OM at school events or in the grocery story. I don't know how well I will handle that. I have decided to go as dark as possible. I've eliminated every pictures, ever momento, every reminder from our home. I've unfriended her on social media, and her friends as well. I haven't reached out to her once since she left. I only respond to her texts, asking when she can come to remove her things. My replies are short and concise.
Now, WHY I am here? I want to heal, to grow, to understand what I hold wrong in my failed relationships, and how I can work to better myself. I honestly feel that my SO had her own flaws. She had many. The way in which she left our relationship was not acceptable. She emotionally cheated with an OM from her previous life. She is literally transitioning from the home we blended together, into a home with him and her son, so they can immediately pick up from where they left off, 4 years ago. I assume she believes he was her soul mate or something. Regardless, she says she will be happy. Thats none of my business,but I hope she is. I do love her and want her to be happy. I was willing to try, but she is gone. She is finished trying. She is moving on. I have no control over that. I have no control over her. I have no control over him. But, I do have control over me, and I want to build myself into a better person, better parent and better spouse. I have the control to do that. Perhaps this has all been a training plan, and my forever partner is still out there looking for me. Maybe she will be from my past. I have to hold hope....
Right now, I'm stuck. I am still reeling with confusing emotions of a 3 year relationship coming to and end, dispatching our blended family into different living spaces, disrupting children's lives, our families lives, our lives. It's a lot for me to deal with. I feel like I'm walking around nervously in a fog, but I don't know where I am going. I can see the shapes of people and murmurs of their voices , but it doesn't reach me. I'm depressed. I realize this is all part of the process. I am grieving. So far, I think I have worked past denial. I am no longer thinking that this a nightmare, or that it will miraculously all go away. I have also been working towards acceptance. I realize SO wasn't happy, for whatever reasons she has. They are valid. They are valid to her. I don't have to agree. I feel that I am at the point of accepting her wish to leave me, and willingness to return to her last love. I've been GAL. Yesterday I visited an old friend, turned down that offer for a beer, and spent some time petting my dog. Today, I decided to grab a shovel, post hole digger, some lumber and a level. I'm going to finish that retaining wall on my property. I think some hard work, sweat and distraction will help. My counseling starts tomorrow, and it cant get her soon enough. I NEED help. I need to get this incredible weight off of me.....
Thank you for listening to my rant....
Hey swoop! Wow, I remember you from way back when! I don't remember the details of your sitch though. You were here 5 years ago, did you recon after that or start a new R? Have you been BD'd by the same woman as before or someone you started a new R with after the last one? Sounds like you're doing the right things as far as going dark and starting IC. Sorry you're back here again!
Yes, I was here back then, making every possible mistake I could. I was unable to control my anger, my emotions. I was in denial about the role I played. The marriage of 13 years ended, but on a good note, we have been able to lick our wounds, reconnect with new partners and become fully functioning co-parents. It's worked out well in the end.....This situation is a different partner, one I have been living with for 3 years. We both have younger children, her a boy, me a girl. They are 8 and 10 respectively.
Given her reasons,I understand he wish to leave. I simply didnt see it. She said the words, but the message was just lost in translation. My SO is a VERY bubbly upbeat character. There isn't a person she passes that she doesn't put a smile on her face. I think seeing that facade all the time, wouldn't allow my brain to take her unhappiness seriously. she always LOOKS happy. She fell into depression and wasn't enjoying life much (on the inside), and then OM re-enters the picture and starts making every promise under the sun to to, for recon. She decided that she truly did have a wonderful relationship with this man and didn't give him the chance he deserved. Shes a "runner" remember. She bolts at the first signs of problems. I think she believes shes going to give this "true love" a second chance and make it right. On one hand I wish her all the luck in the world. I truly do want her to be happy. On the other hand, I miss he dearly. She was truly my one. I was the happiest I have ever been during my time with her. We clicked on so many different levels
On a side note: Digging holes and running a shovel is HARD work, when you've been on an 8 day starvation diet. LET ME TELL YOU!
The marriage of 13 years ended, but on a good note, we have been able to lick our wounds, reconnect with new partners and become fully functioning co-parents. It's worked out well in the end.....This situation is a different partner, one I have been living with for 3 years. We both have younger children, her a boy, me a girl. They are 8 and 10 respectively.
OK, gotcha. So you started over with someone new and now she's BD'd, says she was depressed and unhappy? Did she say why?
I was the happiest I have ever been during my time with her. We clicked on so many different levels
This doesn't seem to add up, how could you have been so happy and she was depressed and miserable?
OK, gotcha. So you started over with someone new and now she's BD'd, says she was depressed and unhappy? Did she say why?
we LAUGHED a lot, hugged constantly. we did family things, we worked together, we shared, we co-parented together, and her smile and up beat personality shined 24/7.
So, I didn't really get her messages, or at least the severity
This doesn't seem to add up, how could you have been so happy and she was depressed and miserable?
She is coming by this morning, to pack away the final things. I feel that this will "hopefully" be the last time I run into her. That's wishful thinking, considering we live in a small town, and our homes will only be a few blocks away. I wish there was some way of stopping this, getting it through her head that what she is doing, doesn't need to done. I can make my changes, and we can be happy. But, those are just tricks my tired mind is playing on me. Her level of unhappiness is obviously greater than I ever imagined. This is probably for the best. I couldn't live out my days with her, wondering when the next time wold be
Today I will start to GAL and move forward. No looking back, I am going as dark as possible to her. I have arranged some dates to get together with old friends and will occupy my time to the best of my ability. Yesterday was hard manual labor. I woke up feeling slightly better, but still numb. I have Counseling sessions starting today, where I hope I will work towards understanding where it all went wrong, and why I couldn't see or hear her cries for emotional support. I am also struggling VERY hard that she is immediately moving back in with this previous OM, so hopefully counseling will be able to work me through the trust issues and infidelity issues as well. I feel this woman I loved, has really woun
dned me in a bad way with her actions. This is a tough one for me
Swoop,
I'm sorry you're back here but glad that you want to continue self-reflecting and figuring out your role in things. Right now, however, you're far too raw for that. Take some time to grieve and be kind to yourself and save the self-reflection for when you're in a better state.
As I'm sure you've seen, LBS's go through many phases, one of them is "My ex is mentally ill/depressed/has issues/baggage etc. etc." which places the blame for the relationship breakdown on them.
The other end of that spectrum is the LBS going through the "my ex was a saint and this was all my fault" phase, and right now you seem to be closer to this end.
Everyone in the world is dysfunctional -- everyone. We all have childhood hurts, we've all gone through some form of trauma which has damaged our psyche.
We're drawn to people who "abuse" us in the way that we're used to being abused -- people who make us feel not quite good enough, people who make us work too hard for their approval, etc. etc. We're comfortable with this treatment because it is familiar to us, we know how to cope with it, and therefore we seek it out, even though it is not healthy for us.
That's probably not a solvable problem other than to recognize in yourself why you're drawn to particular personality traits and then try to find someone who is on the milder end of whatever spectrum you're attracted to. i.e. if you like spontaneous, find that, but stop short of reckless.
For now, breathe deep and take time to gather yourself back together. Finish your fence. Everything else can wait.
She likes things on flowcharts and reference boards, Bedtime routines by the book, with no variances. She likes to "sound" very structured. In reality, shes is as scattered as I am.
Taking the Myers Briggs class was kind of a revelation to me regarding people like that. I am NOT one of those flowchart/ document type of people, I can do that stuff but I am very right-brained and like to "go with the flow" rather than laying everything out on paper. But the class helped me understand that some people are like that because it's their personality type, and we can't sway them to be like us, rather we have to try to meet them halfway (or even more to their side).
She verbalized it to me, perhaps 3 times in 3 years, and it was short lived. She would immediately go back to her happy go lucky normal routine, and I would think I had to start making some tiny adjustment, which I HAVE.
First, thank you for filling in some of the blanks, it helps a lot to understand your sitch a little better! The more I read the more it makes me think she's going through some kind of MLC thing. It sounds like there wasn't really anything wrong about the R, but she's just looking for reasons to find something wrong. I mean clenching your lips while petting the dogs, really? Why in the world would she think that is even worth mentioning? It reminds me of a comedy sketch I saw once, the comedian said he had to break up with his girlfriend because she was driving him crazy. It was all the breathing, just in and out, all the time, it never stopped
Partially because She lost her career a few months ago. It was in industry that she absolutely loved. It closed down, so there was no hope of continuing. She missed the people who she worked with and her students. It was a position made for her upbeat personality.
Ahhhh, yes I bet that was a huge contributing factor. Obviously that's not your fault, but a lot of times people look for someone to blame when they're feeling down on life. SO's often make a convenient target.
With that being said, she is very financially independent, so that brought her down even more. I should have done more financially for her, but I was covering all the bills I was able.
Not necessarily. Remember that as guys we are inherently Mr. Fix-Its, but that is not what our SO's want from us. They want empathy and validation, not fixing.
Her demeanor towards me, which is usually loving and playful flipped a switch. She hit me with ILYBNILWY, you don't make me happy. I don't feel you could ever make me happy, and I don't want to try".......That was 8 days ago.
Seriously unbelievable. I can't imagine she's going to find the happiness that way that she thinks she will. Crazy.
I am going as dark as possible to her. I have arranged some dates to get together with old friends and will occupy my time to the best of my ability. Yesterday was hard manual labor. I woke up feeling slightly better, but still numb. I have Counseling sessions starting today, where I hope I will work towards understanding where it all went wrong, and why I couldn't see or hear her cries for emotional support.
Good, you are doing all the right stuff.
I am also struggling VERY hard that she is immediately moving back in with this previous OM, so hopefully counseling will be able to work me through the trust issues and infidelity issues as well. I feel this woman I loved, has really woun
dned me in a bad way with her actions. This is a tough one for me
Of course it is!! Especially given that it seemed like things were going well. Hang in there, you are on the right track and have done a good job of avoiding the usual pitfalls early after BD! You don't know what the future holds. I suspect her fling with OM is going to be short-lived and she's going to realize her unhappiness is because of HERSELF. There may be a recon down the road, you never know.
I'm keeping any thought of recon. completely off my radar. I don't want to hold on to the slightest glimmer of hope, because it will just hold me back from moving forward. SO is non her path and I need to start down mine, and they aren't going in the same direction
Thank you accuray and A S......your words and support mean a lot. I just need to be convinced that I'm doing the best that I can. this is a real struggle. it's so nice having people around me that care enough to share in on it....THANK YOU!
I'm keeping any thought of recon. completely off my radar. I don't want to hold on to the slightest glimmer of hope, because it will just hold me back from moving forward. SO is non her path and I need to start down mine, and they aren't going in the same direction
I understand. It's different for different people, some need to hang onto hope to give them reasons to keep moving forward while others feel more comfortable completely letting go of all hope. So do what you need to do for you. Personally I don't think there's ever reason to give up hope, I've seen marriages restored from absolutely impossible situations.
Well, I guess there's always a possibility. All I know NOW, is that "they" have put down a years lease on a nearby home, and they are starting to rekindle their amazing relationship. The old family is moving in together on Friday. I'm 47 years old. I don't have time to wait around and watch that slowly fizzle, if it every does. ....I have to build my own life
That’s all you can do — keep on keeping on
today I'm back at the retaining wall, I've been working on. It's starting to take shape. This is a project that I've been putting off for many years, and I think its only going to take me about 5 days to knock it out. My muscles are already sore, probably from lack of food and water over the last week. I've lost 12 pounds. I feel weak, but I am still digging holes, throwing timbers, pouring concrete and making progress. The hard work hasn't cleared my mind. I Still think about WAS, constantly. BUT, the hard work is giving me an outlet tho. Call it a mans gym. I know once its done it will give me a feeling of accomplishment......The wheels just keep on rolling...
I think I am crashing, or depression is setting in really heavy this afternoon. I feel lethargic and half out of it. I tried to pick myself up and go for lunch, at a nearby place. I was able to eat, not much, but better than I have been doing. I just cant shakes this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I feel absolutely EMPTY. The only emotion I am able to pull up is sadness. I don't know how to break away from this, and I worry that I might get stuck in the grieving cycle. I CANT let myself get stuck!
Well, I guess there's always a possibility. All I know NOW, is that "they" have put down a years lease on a nearby home, and they are starting to rekindle their amazing relationship. The old family is moving in together on Friday. I'm 47 years old. I don't have time to wait around and watch that slowly fizzle, if it every does. ....I have to build my own life
I understand, and I'm not trying to talk you out of giving up hope but I do have a personal anecdote that is not a lot different than your situation. A good friend of mine was happily married, or so he thought, when his wife went full-blown WAS on him. They were both mid-50's at the time, and had been married around 8 years I think. She got enamored with some OM and left my buddy and immediately moved into a house with OM. They sold their farm, closed their business and split the sheets. He went totally dark on her. Not angrily, he just figured they were done and he was in enough hurt and didn't want to make it worse. They didn't have kids together or anything so it wasn't hard for him to cut all contact. About 2 years after the S she started texting him again, just asking how he was doing and such (she was still with OM at the time). Eventually they went out on a date, then another, then another. Next thing I knew I was having lunch with him and he had his ring on. I was like "woah, what gives?" They had reconnected, moved back in together and are happier together now than ever before. Turns out she never did file for D, so they just put their rings back on. I have another friend that reconciled with his XW over 10 years after they split. He's in his late 50's. And those aren't even the crazy, impossible recons that I mentioned before, I know some doozies.
I think I am crashing, or depression is setting in really heavy this afternoon. I feel lethargic and half out of it. I tried to pick myself up and go for lunch, at a nearby place. I was able to eat, not much, but better than I have been doing. I just cant shakes this overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I feel absolutely EMPTY. The only emotion I am able to pull up is sadness. I don't know how to break away from this, and I worry that I might get stuck in the grieving cycle. I CANT let myself get stuck!
You won't get stuck, what you're going through is 100% normal. There are no shortcuts, you've got to do some grieving before you'll be able to move on. Just be patient with yourself, you'll be fine but you've got some rough things to go through first. Hang in there buddy!
AnotherStander,
So your buddy's W who was still married to him was laid up with OM for 2 years. And he still took her back? Don't know if I would still be around for that.
To add to Tread, do you know what type of work did he put his W through before he took her back? I have a feeling that he wasn't waiting around for her, but she came back and he saw that the R still had merit.
that would require a lot of patience and PAIN, to get back together after 2 years. it's not much different than my situation though. OM has been waiting in the wings for over 3 years, to welcome my SO back into his arms, and they aren't skipping a beat.I wonder at times if perhaps I'm actually the OM, and she's the WAS from the first relationship. Perhaps she's come out of her fog, and realizes what she had with him was good. So, she's going home.....
Swoop,
Did she cheat on him with you? Or maybe you are thinking you are the rebound, please don't do that to yourself. You are letting her relationship harm your progress. You have to let go.
AnotherStander,
So your buddy's W who was still married to him was laid up with OM for 2 years. And he still took her back? Don't know if I would still be around for that.
I've said this in various threads, but in my opinion this is exactly why there aren't more recons. It's not because of the WAS, it's because of the LBS. I have around a dozen male friends and family that have been BD'd. Granted that's a small sampling of the world, but in all of those cases the WAS eventually wanted to recon. In some cases it was many years later. In no cases was it less than a year. Two of the couples did recon, the other 10 LBSs wanted to have nothing to do with their WAS when she tried to recon. They were done and had moved on. So you say you wouldn't be around for that, I say I'm not surprised. You are with the majority.
I just mention it because I really do believe that for those that want to recon, I mean really, really want it, they will probably get a chance. But you have to be exceedingly patient, and most of us just aren't. What if I told you to wait 6 months for your W? You'd do it. How about a year? Maybe. 5 years? Probably not. 10 years? No way. But it could take 10 years!
To add to Tread, do you know what type of work did he put his W through before he took her back? I have a feeling that he wasn't waiting around for her, but she came back and he saw that the R still had merit.
You are right, he absolutely was not waiting for her. He had completely moved on. He was on to a different business, living in a new place, and content with his new life. He wasn't dating or anything, he chose not to. When she started contacting him again he told me about it and I asked if he wanted to recon, and he said he didn't really care. He said he was open to it but he didn't care whether they got back together or not. He definitely wasn't wasting his days and nights pining over her, LOL! He made her do all the work, not because he was DB'ing (he doesn't even know what it is) but because he wasn't going to lift a finger to chase her after what she had done.
Now around here we advise going to IC and MC before reconciling so you can work out the issues that caused the S or D in the first place, he didn't do any of that. I'm not saying he was right not to, but now that they're back together and their walls are down they're very happy again despite not having put much effort into "patching things back up". They just reconnected and dated and decided they wanted to be together again, there really wasn't much more to it than that.
I wonder at times if perhaps I'm actually the OM, and she's the WAS from the first relationship. Perhaps she's come out of her fog, and realizes what she had with him was good. So, she's going home.....
That thought did cross my mind as well. When I read it I was thinking how if it was OM posting here, he'd be talking about you as the OM and how his WAS finally came out of the fog and wanted to recon and everyone would be telling him how great that is. I guess we never stop to think about it from the OM's perspective, that from your perspective he is the OM and from his, you are. It just goes to show that a WAS leaves wreckage behind all over the place. There's no scenario where everyone wins.
Swoop,
Did she cheat on him with you? Or maybe you are thinking you are the rebound, please don't do that to yourself. You are letting her relationship harm your progress. You have to let go.
No, she ran from him too. There relationship was apparently great, but he said that marrying him gave him anxiety, and she was OUT. Blocked him from all social media, phones, emails. I met her 6 months later
Swoop,
I can see bow you see yourself as a rebound. I can also if you are wondering if the OM was a LBS. She is creating a devastating circle.
I do feel absolutely devastated. My feeling of emptiness, hurt and confusion have never been stronger. I am having a very difficult time dealing with the process and pulling myself up.....Ive been trying to GAL, but I keep getting pulled back down, once I am alone. I feel completely alone, and I don't know how to turn my emotions around....
So sorry for where you are, Swoop. No advice from me, just wanted to drop in and say a word of encouragement. Keep hanging in there, and keep posting. Someone is usually here around the clock due to the geography of us all. But then you know all that since this isn't your first rodeo here.
((((( swoop ))))))
I am sorry where you are at right now Swoop. Totally relate to it and I have an idea of what you're feeling. All I can offer is what I went through and see if any of it speaks to you.
I think that you have to give yourself time to grieve the MR. I posted in my sitch that the whole BD and first month or two of the separation felt like I was in a never ending funeral - the darkness, pain, emptiness and hurt was always consistently there.
I GAL'd quite a bit in that time and it really helped with taking my mind off the sitch and I also felt quite rejuvenated to be doing some things that I've been wanting to do for a long time - I started with things that I was either passionate about already or I was really intrigued by and wanted to try it. Even then, I would think about her all the time and the beginning period was super lonely.
On top of this forum, having IC was very helpful, and I am still doing it. I am not sure if you bury your emotions, but one thing that I did was not fight how I was feeling - no matter how awful that feeling was. Whether it was anger, resentment, sadness, rage, fear, melancholy etc. I let myself truly feel what I was feeling so that I understood what it was emotionally and then did something to process it constructively. So, I would go to an art show, movie, or even a drive playing music that I love to let the emotions subside and pass. What I didn't do was let myself wallow in the emotion and let it eat me alive. I know it did in the beginning and that's normal because you're dealing with such a shock to your system.
The other thing that has really helped in the past 3 weeks is truly coming to a place of acceptance that W is gone and the MR is dead. There is no going back to it and that the future is not apocalyptic. As soon as I really accepted this, it lifted a great burden off my shoulders - I didn't have to worry about how to interpret anything she said or did, and just focus on myself. Over the last few weeks, I have thought of her less and less and I feel more calm and grounded.
So, take that for what it's worth. We're not robots and this is gut wrenching stuff - i bawled my eyes out so many nights. I would say don't suppress how you feel, but then don't decide to live in that emotion and keep victimizing yourself. Remember that you do have control over yourself and life and that you can take it back - one day at a time in the beginning.
Phoenix always rises from the ashes and that's what we all are. I am going to get that as a tat at the end of 12 months or whenever I feel I have reached zen.
We're here for you swoop. Hang in there!
Thank you all for the kind words and constructive advice. I truly appreciate you reaching out to me. I need the human interaction, even if it's in the form of writing on a forum. I know you're all real people, with real emotion, going through similar struggles. It's comforting to to know that you empathize in what I am going through.
SOOOO, I am going to shower, take some ativan and go to a BBQ I was invited to. I know that GAL is going to be my savior. I need to start that process now.....
Hang in there swoopy, the first 1.5 months kick my @ss. You can't stop thinking about it and all you want to do is talk about it. I am 4 months into BD and I can tell you it does get better.
Just take care of yourself, allow yourself to grieve and know that you will survive this. I have spent hours on this site since BD reading everything I could to help me process and understand.
Keep posting and journaling. It will help you through the pain.
I went to the bbq. all in all, it was a fun evening with friends. I was even able to laugh a couple times, so I think that is a good sign. I drank a little more than I should have, but kept my faculties.
This morning I woke up thinking about SO. I keep wavering back into denial. I'm feel pretty down again this morning, with nothing on my GAL list.....day by day
Some more sad news today. D10 visited with SO a couple days ago. They went to get their nails done together. By word of mouth, it got back to me that D10 confided that she is feeling bummed out being around me, that I am unattentive and depressed. This is some pretty devastating news. D10 is all I have in the entire world now. I have to pull myself up out of this mire, and get my Sh!t together! I have to get my head screwed on straight, pull out of this depression and despair and be there for my daughter......My sitch has now moved to a whole new level.
For GAL, let me ask you a few questions.
1. What are you goals for the next 12 months? Do you have any physical health goals? Do you have any other goals about improving your character and personality?
2. What are some things that you are passionate about?
3. What are some things that have intrigued you and you've always wanted to try?
About your D, I get that it's hard at the moment not to be bummed out. But, you have to learn how to put your game face on when D is around and push everything about you on the side. It's easier said than done, trust me I know. Are there any activities that D loves that you could do with her? Does she have any extracurricular activities that you could do or you could start some new ones?
You have to be the best dad you can to your D. Think of yourself as a single parent now when she's with you.
Honestly, make a list and if you like to journal, do it. If journaling is not your thing, that's okay, but do something to remind yourself of the great things you're doing every day if you can.
All of these small steps will help you emotionally and mentally. As they say here, this is a marathon, not a sprint. The journey is important for yourself.
For GAL, let me ask you a few questions.
1. What are you goals for the next 12 months? Do you have any physical health goals? Do you have any other goals about improving your character and personality?
I don't have a lot of goals coming up. I am just starting into my off season with my business, so things start to become pretty dormant. I guess I have some home improvement projects that I should focus on, but that seems contradictory to GAL. Generally speaking, I am very much a homebody2. What are some things that you are passionate about?
I very much like working on things, building things. I'm quite handy. I am also very passionate about spending time with my family, but that passion isn't available to me as much now. I will put that focus ALL on D now.3. What are some things that have intrigued you and you've always wanted to try?
There really isn't much that intrigues me that I haven't done or tried. I really am a simple man. I don't have existential aspirations or passions I strive to have in my life. That sounds pretty pathetic, I guess
About your D, I get that it's hard at the moment not to be bummed out. But, you have to learn how to put your game face on when D is around and push everything about you on the side. It's easier said than done, trust me I know. Are there any activities that D loves that you could do with her? Does she have any extracurricular activities that you could do or you could start some new ones?
Yes, I am going to start THIS week on focusing on daughters needs and our togetherness. We went bowling about a week ago, and she enjoyed that. She's an avid quad racer, just finishing up her season as the points champion. But, quad season is now over. She also enjoys snowboarding, so I am thinking that I will get back on a pair of skis this winter. It's been about 20 years You have to be the best dad you can to your D. Think of yourself as a single parent now when she's with you.
I am going to commit to this 100%Honestly, make a list and if you like to journal, do it. If journaling is not your thing, that's okay, but do something to remind yourself of the great things you're doing every day if you can.
All of these small steps will help you emotionally and mentally. As they say here, this is a marathon, not a sprint. The journey is important for yourself.
Thank you for the suggestions. I am going to work on a list, and focus on the small steps that I need to take. I will keep reminding myself that this is a marathon!
This will be my week, when I start to rebuild. My focus is going to be on Daughter and work. Everything else is taking the backseat. My emotions "seem" to have leveled out enough, that I can hopefully fake it through my low points. Perhaps the AD meds are finally starting to work. I don't know. I hope that I am able to avoid SO or any triggers that relate to her. I am certain my roller coaster isn't over, but I hope that I least have my seatbelt on for the remainder of the ride.
today will be the second visit with IC. I am not really sure what to focus on. I just want to feel whole again, and happy. I don't know how to address that with him. Hopefully he can guide me.
Some more sad news today. D10 visited with SO a couple days ago. They went to get their nails done together. By word of mouth, it got back to me that D10 confided that she is feeling bummed out being around me, that I am unattentive and depressed. This is some pretty devastating news. D10 is all I have in the entire world now.
Talk to D10. Tell her that you know you've been down lately and you are sorry for that, but it's a difficult situation and you're sad and hurting but you will get over it and be back to normal soon enough, and tell her how much joy it brings you to have her there in this difficult time. Tell her you love her. But most of all, don't be afraid. I sense that you're afraid D10 is going to BD you the same way your GF did, but that's not going to happen.
I have done those things, to the best of my ability. I've expressed to her that I am sad, and she can be sad too. It's a sad thing, and those are natural emotions we have, and it's okay. Ive told her how much I love her, and that I will be just fine, given a little time. I've tried a few times to occupy our moments with activity. I just know that I haven't been giving her the focus that she needs. My brain is on overload, and I can't keep focused on anything. I have this overwhelming sense of urgency and panic. I know I'm scared. I'm actually really scared. I dearly miss the life I had
Not much sleep again last night. I went down around 9:30pm, completely exhausted, and I was wide awake by 1:30am. SO keeps slipping into my dreams and thoughts when I wake. I dearly want to stop that cycle. I was able to have a positive day with D10. SO asked if she could give her a ride home after school. I was reluctant but agreed. After the drop off, I sent SO a text expressing that I appreciated her staying connected to D10, but that I needed as much space as possible from her, to start my healing. she agreed, but asked that I break the news to D1O, which I did. At this point, everytime I see her or hear about her, it pains me deeply. I need the separation to get her out of my thoughts and focus.
still working on my GAL. It's a tough transition, when you're naturally inclined to be a homebody who likes to spend family time. BUT, I'm getting out there, forcing myself out of my comfort zone. Today seems a little less emotional than yesterday. of course I'm still sad and confused, and yes, even slightly still in denial that this should have happened. I do accept it though. my counselor is focusing mostly on my sleep. I've been getting very little. my appetite still hasn't kicked back in yet either, and I am now down about 16 pounds since BD. My skin is getting saggy.....ugh
Skin getter saggy - start working out. In terms of GAL, yes getting out of the comfort zone is really helpful. Thanks for answering my questions from earlier. I do mean to get back to you about that.
Another night of not much sleep. I woke up thinking about SO and the R again. This has turned into a vicious cycle, that I don't know how to break. She is on my mind WAY too much, to be healthy. My emotions seem to be settling down, day by day, but I am still at a very sad point. I am very anxious, and I am depressed. I feel empty inside, and I don't know how to fix that. I know that time will be my medicine, but it still feels very grim at this point. It's crippling me, from moving on with my GAL.
Another night of not much sleep. I woke up thinking about SO and the R again. This has turned into a vicious cycle, that I don't know how to break. She is on my mind WAY too much, to be healthy.
Swoopy P......it's hard early on man. I still have some sleepless nights and for the first 1.5 mths it was brutal. It does get better with time. What are you doing to get your mojo back? What do you need to do to start feeling good about yourself.
My emotions seem to be settling down, day by day, but I am still at a very sad point.
That's good and to be expected. You just got TKO'd in the first round by Tyson. How quickly can you pick yourself up off the canvass and start to be productive. Try to stay in the present, stay in the minute. Don't let your mind wander to the past and don't let it think about the future. What can Swoopy P do right now to feel better?
I am very anxious, and I am depressed. I feel empty inside, and I don't know how to fix that. I know that time will be my medicine, but it still feels very grim at this point. It's crippling me, from moving on with my GAL.
I remember about 2 weeks after my W first told me I tried to play basketball. I have played three days a week for the last 15 years with the same group of guys so it wasn't a situation where I had never played before or was out of shape. I was so stunned that I could not even run up and down the court, I had to check myself out because I couldn't focus. I also remember mowing the yard one day balling my eyes out, my neighbor came over and asked me what the h$ll was going on. The morning after my W told me I went outside and was walking our dogs. The other neighbor man saw me and stopped to say "hi", again I was balling my eyes out.
The point is that I feel ya bro......it does get better. Get off the canvass pick yourself up, go for a walk, go lift, just do something to start shifting your mind. Call a friend, go shopping, whatever it takes to put 1 foot in front of the other.
If your not feeling confident about yourself what can you do right now to make that change? How can you get that Swoopy P back????
Thanks Joseph,
I know what you're saying is right. I've been through this rodeo before, and I survived that time, even though it took me years. I will survive this time too. The reason this time stings more, is because of the connection I "thought" I had with this woman being something extraordinary, only to have it torn down in a matter of days. That's what has left me reeling the most. It just puts doubt, in everything I ever thought to be true in the world.
I've popped an Ativan and decided to do work. Ive masked off and started painting the exterior of my business. This should keep me busy for a bit, and hopefully keep my mind focused on more important things.
Thank you for the straight talk!
You got it.....we gotta get the name changed from swoop to Swoopy P! Then you will get that mojo back!
Is there a reason you have changed names several times?
No other reason, than to just make my name fit my sitch better......no real reason
Yesterdays GAL activities kept me busy, even though it didn't include anything or anyone new, just work. I woke up, after only a couple hours of sleep again, last night. The sleep deprivation is starting to worry me a little. I know that I need more than a couple hours of rest per night. I wonder when I will come crashing down!
I got going this morning, feeling numb, but better. Every day seems to be slightly better than the last. Fortunately, there have been very few triggers, to remind of the SO. The roller coaster has been very flat thus far. The exception to that is, her mother texted me yesterday, just saying hello and hoping that I am doing better. I simply replied with "Thank You", and I did not engage her in any conversation. A close friend also messaged me, asking if SO was living with her BF. I replied that I think they were, but have been avoiding all contact. Friend expressed that SO invited her over to her new house, but that would be awkward, if she was living with new BF. I acknowledge that it would probably be awkward, and ended the conversation with, "thats none of my business".
I'm trying to stay strong. I am trying to stay focused. GAL is certainly what I need to focus on at this time. I am just getting to the point where I can somewhat function. Day by day.....
I don't have a lot of goals coming up. I am just starting into my off season with my business, so things start to become pretty dormant. I guess I have some home improvement projects that I should focus on, but that seems contradictory to GAL. Generally speaking, I am very much a homebody
Hmmm... what are your goals in terms of where you think you fell short in the marriage? personal improvement? physical health? mental health? I think this part of the DB process is important as you are being self-critical and understanding what you'd want to improve upon and make those lasting changes. I'd ask you to revisit this part. Home improvement projects are great, but you need to do GAL activities where you are around other people too. Nothing wrong with being a homebody, but you need to get out of your comfort zone. Do you have any good friends in town?
I very much like working on things, building things. I'm quite handy. I am also very passionate about spending time with my family, but that passion isn't available to me as much now. I will put that focus ALL on D now.
If you're very handy, have you thought about attending free workshop sessions at home depot or similar stores in town? I am very basic when it comes to being handy, but it is something I'd like to learn and so I am always on the lookout for such workshops. Gives me a chance to interact with other people too. If you're really good at building things, have you thought about offering free classes or something at home depot? You should check that out. I wish you were in my town and I'd come to your sessions to learn. Fam time now is you and D.
There really isn't much that intrigues me that I haven't done or tried. I really am a simple man. I don't have existential aspirations or passions I strive to have in my life. That sounds pretty pathetic, I gues
Don't beat yourself up. It's not pathetic. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what you might want to try that you haven't. What about something like working out? What about going to movies, plays, concerts etc? Do you want to learn something new - for e.g. a musical instrument? Trust me, no one is just simple. If you truly can't figure out a GAL that goes beyond your current passions, then go do a buncha new stuff and see how you feel. This will also work to get outside your comfort zone. Try and find things to do where it's not just you alone.
Yes, I am going to start THIS week on focusing on daughters needs and our togetherness. We went bowling about a week ago, and she enjoyed that. She's an avid quad racer, just finishing up her season as the points champion. But, quad season is now over. She also enjoys snowboarding, so I am thinking that I will get back on a pair of skis this winter. It's been about 20 years
That sounds awesome!
Keep on trucking along! Stay strong!
Hmmm... what are your goals in terms of where you think you fell short in the marriage? personal improvement? physical health? mental health? I think this part of the DB process is important as you are being self-critical and understanding what you'd want to improve upon and make those lasting changes. I'd ask you to revisit this part. Home improvement projects are great, but you need to do GAL activities where you are around other people too. Nothing wrong with being a homebody, but you need to get out of your comfort zone. Do you have any good friends in town?
I think the role I played in the breakdown was not LISTENING to the needs of my partner, at least not well enough. I feel that she did verbalize her unhappiness, but it was only on a couple occasions, and every other day together seemed fun and healthy. Therefore, I simply did not realize the importance of what she had expressed to me. She said she needed more emotional support from me. I understand what that entails, but I also feel that I was somewhat emotionally supportive. I definitely wasn't just checked out. What do I work on in my own personal growth, I am not sure. I don't think I was doing bad in the relationship. I think that SO was more of the issue. I am assuming, but I really feel that she had never let go of the feelings for her previous partner. She romanticized the relationship, even saying that it was "Great". Perhaps we just weren't a match. After 3 years, I would have hoped she would have realized that sooner, before cheating on me and moving DIRECTLY back into her previous relationship.
I do have a "few" friends that I can socialize with, and I have been trying to do so as much as possible with them. Unfortunately, they are mostly middle aged relationship damaged people as well. I agreed to co-host a Halloween party, at the end of the month, so that should hopefully keep me busy and bring some new people into my circle
If you're very handy, have you thought about attending free workshop sessions at home depot or similar stores in town? I am very basic when it comes to being handy, but it is something I'd like to learn and so I am always on the lookout for such workshops. Gives me a chance to interact with other people too. If you're really good at building things, have you thought about offering free classes or something at home depot? You should check that out. I wish you were in my town and I'd come to your sessions to learn. Fam time now is you and D.
I appreciate the suggestion, That's not really an option for me
Don't beat yourself up. It's not pathetic. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what you might want to try that you haven't. What about something like working out? What about going to movies, plays, concerts etc? Do you want to learn something new - for e.g. a musical instrument? Trust me, no one is just simple. If you truly can't figure out a GAL that goes beyond your current passions, then go do a buncha new stuff and see how you feel. This will also work to get outside your comfort zone. Try and find things to do where it's not just you alone.
I am just starting to get to the point where my brain isn't in a fog. I do want to do some of these things. I am planning on taking D10 bowling tonight after school. Plays, concerts, group activities, parties, they all appeal to me. I just need to branch out and build a singles network of new friends. I have very few singles, that are available to me on a routine basis. Meeting new people isn't my strongest suit. Meeting new people will be my hardest obstacle
That sounds awesome!
Keep on trucking along! Stay strong!
Good stuff. Keep posting as you go along. We are all learning from each other and it's great to know that you're not alone in this. This board basically saved me and has given me so much. I don't think I would be where I am mentally and emotionally without the great folks here who took time to read my sitch and give me thoughtful responses.
I am just starting to get to the point where my brain isn't in a fog.
In Parkema's latest thread, AS gave a fantastic explanation of the fog phase - both the WW/WAS and the LBS. It really brought so much clarity for me about my own fog as the LBS. Check it out if you haven't already.
Sorry it's in Parkema's thread # 4. In the last 30-40 posts. AS's comments were part of a larger discussion which is also really insightful.
that's an excellent description, and it makes menwomddr if SO, finally came out of her own fog, and decided it was time to reconcile with OM
Swoop,
The first month after BD, I probably got 3 hours of sleep a night. I was highly caffeinated at work during that month.
It wore off thou. Especially, once I started going back to church and found this forum. It will get easier and you will start to sleep again. It takes time.
You are not alone in that sleep area.
Keep posting.
My sleep is slowly improving. I'm up to about 4-5 hours per night. my emotional state is still pretty stagnant, but my real sad times are starting to become less frequent. I still have times when I STRUGGLE with how this all ended. It just seemed like we were doing good, loving, growing closer together as a family, and BAM. She moves DIRECTLY into a house with her boyfriend from 4 years prior???!!!....I still can't get my head wrapped around that, and I probably never will. Everyone feels that, at some point, she will be reaching back out to me. I don't see it happening, but I've been giving a LOT of thought about how I would respond. This woman has done a very wicked thing to me and my daughter, her son as well.......i just need to keep moving forward and establishing my new life. I hope to meet some new people this week, and start building friendships. I have a few activities lined up for GAL.....D
Day by day....
Today is a rough day, not much focus on SO, but I am feeling very lonely and sad about my situation. my GAL activities are few and far between, even though I have been trying my best to get out and meet new people and reconnect with old friends. it's just not filling me with contentment. I feel very restless and uneasy being alone. I have another IC appointment tomorrow, and I will ask if there is anything I can do to help with those feelings. I'm just sad....
It's just not filling me with contentment.
swoop,
Have you considered volunteering as a coach for a women's beach volleyball team?
haha, I wonder if that would help
Today is another bad day. It's raining, the house is empty. I have no work to do. I feel empty. I keep having thoughts of SO, that I just cant seem to shake. I am really feeling the depression.
My IC session was yesterday, but I don't feel like I am getting much out of them. He taught me a tool, of slapping my leg when I was lingering on thoughts of SO. He said I need to replace those thoughts with something positive. That's not working, no matter how hard I try. I continue to wake up EARLY with thoughts of my previous life and how much I miss it.
I have been reaching out to friends as much as I can, but everyone's lives are so busy. Making new friends has shown to be a challenge. My days feel like they are filled with nothing, lately. I am just lacking close companionship that I crave so dearly. My dog is great, but he just doesn't complete me....
I've done some home decorating projects, to keep busy. I bought an antique wooden door, to hang at the end of my hallway. It has pane glass windows in it, so I thoughts I would use it for framing pictures. I also added a large scale eclectic item in my kitchen. I am trying anything I can, to put her out of my memory, and build my new life. It's still such a struggle to find my motivation.
Hey Swoop, I know how the depression feels. Thoughts of the past are hard to fight.
I've also struggled with finding someone to meet up with. Like you said, people have their lives and can't always be there for us. And yes, making new friends is hard for me too.
Something I've tried is learning to be comfortable by myself - eating out by myself, seeing a movie by myself, or even hanging out at home and watching a movie with a nice dinner. If you're an outdoorsy type, you could also try a solo hike or a bike ride.
You mention some indoor projects at home. Have you tried to get out of the house to do anything?
I know it sounds cliche, but you can be your own best friend and "date yourself".
Have you thought about finding a new IC? Sometimes you just don't click with someone.
I do need to adjust to being by myself. I know this, because I will need to be happy and confident in myself, before I can move into a future relationship. I will try that idea of "dating myself". Maybe I can fake it until I make it.
I have thought about seeking another IC. I will probably give this one more opportunity first. I've only seen him 3 times.
Today, I will get out of the house and do something, anything! I have to survive this hardship and start my new beginning
I will try that idea of "dating myself".
Be careful, dating yourself can lead to impaired vision and even blindness.
Swoop,
Please get. The new you starts today! Let's get him going.
I broke out my motorcycle today. In a previous life, I was a custom bike builder. I dont ride much anymore. My personal bike serves more as a garage decoration these days, but I put some miles on it today. I met with some friends, had a couple adult beverages and made it home in one piece. life isnt good, but its moving forward. One day at a time....
I broke out my motorcycle today. In a previous life, I was a custom bike builder.
swoop,
Awesome! I've been dreaming of a Ducati Monster. I watched "Easy Rider" over the weekend; a blast from the past.
I've been behind the bars of a Ducati Monster a few times, super cool bikes. My ride yesterday was enjoyable, and it helped to clear my head, if even just for a little while. However, last night was the worst night of sleep I've got yet. I could not get EXSO out of my head, for the life of me. I tossed and turned and stressed all night. I couldn't stop thinking of the past and how it all fell apart. It was just a brutal night, that left me feeling deeply depressed and sad. This morning is filled with tears and emotion. I know that this is part of the process, the ups and downs, but I sure wish the hurt would stop. I desperately want to feel happy again......day by day...
Swoopy P....great GAL activity....keep it up!! I am not a rider but it sounds awesome!!
FWIW it took me about 2.5 months before I felt like I could function. I had a bad day yesterday but I am sleeping through the night and am functioning like a normal person. Tomorrow will be 4 months since she moved out and I would say my attitude, mindset and thoughts have really turned the corner over the past month.
Most of my emotions now center around my daughters.
Thanks for commenting, Joseph
I have been through this rodeo before, and I know that someday I will make it out alive. I am coming up on almost a month, I think. I have my ups, but mostly I am still down. I have an IC session tomorrow, and I hope that I can work through some of my issues, and move forward with this. It has put me in a real state of depression and feeling of loss. This was without a doubt, the woman of my dreams and now she is gone. It's just very hard for me to deal with at this point....Day by day....
I am struggling with my detachment. I know its early on, but I really wish I could set myself free from this. This week I have had more tears, and Ive also had more laughs, than Ive had so far during this journey. Im not sure what that means. Perhaps my mind and my heart are battling for position. I keep having such fond positive memories of the R. That makes this all so hard to accept and understand, but I realize we are individuals, and SO must have a very different perspective. Otherwise, we wouldnt be at this point. Regardless, my thoughts keep me attached and hoping that I will wake up and this will all have been a horrible dream. Wishful thinking, I know
My IC suggests throwing myself back into my work. I agree, but that has proven to be difficult, due to my lack of focus, and to be honest, just giving a **blank** about anything right now.
Ive been dilligently trying to GAL, reaching out to new people and old freinds. My dog has been my best support so far, unconditional love at its best. Hes laying on my lap as I type. I am trying my best to establish a new version of life for my daughter and I. If anything good has come out of this, i think it has strenghthened my R with EX-wife. Shes been very suppprtive and kind. I have to keep reminding myself of the positives and be greatful for what I have. I think that will be my path back to finding happiness. Its just a winding and treacherous path to follow at this point. I could sure use some guidance.....
Detachment is a process, not really a switch you flip. You *start* detaching, but being fully detached, from what I've been told, can take a year or more. I don't think that's a bad thing - it's just the way it is.
What you're feeling is normal. I've been through all that. Wishing this were all a dream you could wake up from - yeah, that's a familiar feeling. Feeling for you, man.
If you don't mind my asking, has your experience from your previous divorce been helpful in any way to get through this? Do you ever recognize things you went through before and find it somewhat comforting to know you survived the first time? I tell myself the rest of my life will be a cakewalk after I get through this hell.
Yes, there are feelings of emotion that are similar to my Divroce from XW. It is slightly reassuring, that I remember that process, and know that I survived it. I also learned a couple things that are preached in DBing, that I just couldnt grasp the first time. During this breakup, I have not reached out or acted anyway but lovingly detached. Let me take back. I begged pleaded and pursued while she was in the house. Since then, i have set her free to walk her own path. This time, I have also not made ANY attempt at stalking her social media. I know the pain that can cause. I have not seeked out info or tried to interfere with her plans. I really struggled with those things, the first time around. I know that will make this time easier, in the long run. I have went into LRT right away this time, because I know that any healing and growth must be about me. We don't have children together, and shes no longer in the home. The only way she is ever coming back, will be by her own free will. I have no control over that, and Ive accepted it much sooner than before. This time will be a smoother process, even though my love and connection with this woman is much stronger than it ever was with XW. So, to answer your question, yes there is some re-assurance I feel from going through it before. Unfortunately, it still really, REALLY [censored].
Sleep has really become an issue for me. Last night, I got 1-2 hours before waking up with thoughts of SO in my mind. I am unable to turn these thoughts off and returning to sleep is not possible. Ive been taking an Attivan before bedtime, and that seems to help me doze off, but its simply not getting me through the night. I have an appt. With my MD. next week, regarding depression. I will ask him if there is anything he can prescribe for rest. I am feeling so run down, from lack of sleep!
Nothing has really changed in my sitch. Im still depressed, still suffering. I have been working my butt off to GAL, and that has been improving. I find that any distraction is helpful, to keep my mind off the R......day by day
Swoop I am sorry you are struggling! Do you engage in any kind of physical activity? I find that when I am feeling down a good workout at the gym helps kill any sort of down feelings I am having.
I know there is more to it that that but it could be a step in the right direction.
Swoop, thanks for sharing your feelings on your previous M and how they relate to your current sitch. I didn't mean to minimize your current pain by asking about that; I hope you didn't feel that I was.
My sleep was really messed up for a few weeks after BD. But it did return to normal after a while. It looks like it's been about a month for you, so I do suggest you talk to your Dr. J9 also brings up a good point about physical activity - it might help tire you out and sleep better too!
Swoop,
Keep distracting yourself. Only time can heal. We all know how much it [censored]. Keep posting. We are hear to listen.
I haven't done any physical activity. I've never been much of a gym goer, but in a past life I was pretty athletic and physical. I guess I should try to recapture some of that interest, especially if it is going to help save me.
I have been adamantly trying to GAL, everyday reaching out to friends, visiting, going to get-togethers. I have also had a few coffee dates with new people (women), as well as going to coffee by myself. Its rough! I don't enjoy being single. I have this huge feeling of urgency, that I am really having a hard time with. I cant stand to be alone, even for a minute. I know this is going to be a huge/important hurdle for me. I keep finding myself contemplating finding someone new, to fill the empty place in my heart. I realize I am not ready for that at all, but those feelings of having someone in my life are strong. I really need to fight that urge, and become comfortable being alone. I am certain of that, but Im having a rough time being by myself. Todays GAL will be reaching out to a buddy, who is going through a similar situation. We will be setting up some DJ and lighting equipment, for a Halloween party we've decided to throw. Tomorrow, D and I are going with some friends to a pumpkin patch, and Sunday will be spent with family at the Aquarium, as well as some shopping. I will get there. I know I will come out of this in one piece. She undoubtedly was my "one". I am fully confident in that. Unfortunately, I was not hers, and I have accepted the reality of that....but I still feel absolutely BROKEN. It just doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem real
I understand it may be a real struggle, but you need to learn to be happy by yourself. Do things by yourself. I'm not gonna lie, it's going to svck at first, and feel real awkward.
Remember, broken attracts broken.
Personally, I don't believe in the "one". The world is full of people. Unless you live in an Antarctic research station, I'm sure there are plenty of other possibilities where you live.
I was given an opertinuty to go to a concert in small bar/venue. Tickets were sold out, and a buddy approached me and said he and his wife (whom ive never met) have an extra ticket. They offered it to me, and I accepted. So, this should be a major leap of faith for me. Im going, more or less on my own. I guess I will get to try out my old skills of mingling with strangers. Im already feeling anxiety, but onward and upward!
Reminder to myself, excessive alcohol and flirty women can lead to bad judgments. I learned a lesson
Sunday was amazing however, i took my daughter to meet her cousin and my good friends for a day exploring the aquarium, zombie maze and ghost train. We also hit the American Girl doll store, and more of less got robbed by gunpoint there..lol .....a whole entire day of just goofing off and doing stuff with our kids. My heart felt pretty full at the end of today. Life is slowly moving forward.....day by day
The last couple weeks have been filled with lots of ups and downs, crying, laughing, worrying about my future, celebrating the past. I feel like my emotions are finally starting to settle down. I'm still very upset about my loss, but I'm functioning.
The Halloween party that I helped host, was very successful, and I had a good time. I got a chance to meet some new people. I've been able to branch out a little and socialize in New circles, which I know is important to my GAL.
I keep having hiccups along the way , reflecting on thoughts that I should put out of my mind, and engaging in situations that I probably should avoid. But, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a process , and that I need to be kind to myself and others. Once it is all over, I will have done some things that were right, and I will have made some mistakes. I'm hopeful that all of it will help me grow into a better person in the end. My life is moving forward.
Hey Swoop, sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected, and I'm sure you'll keep getting better from here! Keep up the good work!
I keep having hiccups along the way , reflecting on thoughts that I should put out of my mind, and engaging in situations that I probably should avoid. But, I have to keep reminding myself that this is a process , and that I need to be kind to myself and others. Once it is all over, I will have done some things that were right, and I will have made some mistakes. I'm hopeful that all of it will help me grow into a better person in the end. My life is moving forward.
Well said and that's an excellent perspective to keep throughout!
Thank you AS.
I feel like I have learned so much and have grown a lot since the breakup of my first marriage. I'm struggling through this breakup, but I am handling it considerably better, both mentally and emotionally. I owe a ton of that to everyone here, that have helped me look inwards instead of outwards.
Halloween was GREAT. My daughter and I dressed up, and looked absolutely amazing. We did a couple hours making the rounds with a group of our friends. I only have a year or two of the fun kid stuff left, and I plan on taking full advantage of being active in it.....day by day
Nice work swoop....it sounds like you are starting to turn the corner and become swoopy p! Continue to look inward at yourself, increase your self confidence and determine your value as a man. You don't need anyone else to validate your self-worth. As LH would say....
Keep on keeping on!
It's funny you say that. My love language is words of affirmation. I thrive on validation, so that's an adjustment that I need to learn. Self validation.
Is that like when you wink at yourself in the mirror and say, "Was that as good for you as it was for me?"
Sorry, I have poor impulse control.
The last few days have been a little rough. I've been dumping myself and D into GAL activities, but the reality of life being something that I dont enjoy, has become brutally clear. I hate the single life, having no one for company, emotional support, intimacy, just having my person to go grocery shopping or do family activities with. It's sobering, and it's very discouraging for me. Any suggestions on how to move past those feelings?
The last few days have been a little rough.
swoop,
Sorry! I hope you're doing better.
The one thing that consistently worked for me was to get out and move around. It could be walking the dog or painting the house. As soon as I started moving around, and focusing on the task at hand, I'd feel better.
The last few days have been a little rough. I've been dumping myself and D into GAL activities, but the reality of life being something that I dont enjoy, has become brutally clear. I hate the single life, having no one for company, emotional support, intimacy, just having my person to go grocery shopping or do family activities with. It's sobering, and it's very discouraging for me. Any suggestions on how to move past those feelings?
Most of all, be patient and give yourself time. It takes a while. Keeping yourself busy is key though. Restart an old hobby or start a new one. It won't be fun at first, but eventually you'll find yourself enjoying it despite your sitch. Get out and exercise. Reconnect with old friends. Try and make some new friends. I highly recommend trying Crossfit, it's a great way to get in shape but it's also far more social than any other fitness program I've tried. And there are more women in xfit than men.
You have to force yourself to do all of these things at first. You'll think of a million reasons to stay home and be miserable. But make yourself do them. Each day it gets easier until eventually you're just your old self again.
Swoop....getting out and exercising/going to the gym has really helped me. It's hard to feel down when your body is releasing endorphins. Exercising will also help with your self-esteem as well.
That's one thing I have not been doing, working. With this being my off season, there hasn't been anything pressing, so I haven't been putting in hardly ANY work days. I'm going to get moving tomorrow and change that. That is probably holding me back considerably. Thank you for all the input and support. I'll get there. It's the the roller coaster, right?
Well, I have put in some work, and got in a couple light workouts too. Baby steps I guess, but I'm slowly getting there. I had a weekend with GAL activities, and I enjoyed my time out. I'm still having thoughts of SO pretty often, but I'm sure that will begin to fade as time goes on. I am still really struggling with the feeling of loneliness, and I don't know how to get passed that. I'm finding myself CONSTANTLY checking facebook, or reaching out to anyone, just to fill my emptiness. I want so badly to just have companionship. That's currently my biggest struggle. I just feel so alone, all the time, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm with.
Yesterday was an interesting day. I was wrecked with those deep, center of my heart pains, that just flood over me. I don't have much explanation for them, not really sure what the trigger was, but on several occasions throughout the day, I experienced that overwhelming feeling of loss and hurt, almost like the day of BD. .......Im hoping that isn't going to be a recurring emotion. My day was extremely emotional and anxious because of if.
swoop,
I'm sorry yesterday was rough for you. All of your symptoms point to lack of adequate GAL. Get out and do something you wouldn't normally do. Maybe borrow some kid's tricycle and ride it around the block. Or, go apply for a job as a waiter at Hooters (knowing you won't get the job). Push the limits of good taste just a little.
If you really want to get funky, google Tim Ferriss and check out some of the crazy stuff he does. And, listen to his TED Talk about how close he came to committing suicide.
Thank You, Doodle!
You're most likely right. My GAL activities, as much as I have been trying to stack them up, have left me feeling unfulfilled. I need to find my niche. I'm trying
I googled Tim Ferris, pretty interesting stuff. Thank you for the suggestion!
I have my IC session today. I feel like I've gone over all I can, and I'm just sharing my weekly activities with him, and there isn't much he's giving me back, other than a thoughtful ear to listen. I'm beginning to become discouraged with that. I feel like I know what's needed, and that's time. After the smoke and emotions clear, I will move on and start looking for my match. I'm sure she's out there for me somewhere.
I feel like I know what's needed, and that's time.
swoop,
I agree, the passing of time can make things feel a lot better.
At my IC session, we discussed forgiveness, and how it's a choice. I have struggled back and forth with forgiving, and bitterness. I didn't really think about forgiveness as a choice, but rather I thought it was something that just had to come naturally or with time. He explained to me that forgiving EX will help me move forward with life, but it has to come after I have processed all of my emotions of the breakup and made the conscious choice to forgive. I feel that I am at that point now. I do want to forgive. I want to set myself free. I would love to hear thoughts about this.....
swoop,
In my opinion, forgiveness is overrated. It's much like detachment. Everyone says, "I'm detaching," but the act of stating that you're detaching means that you're actively thinking about detaching, thus making it harder to detach. I think forgiveness is similar; if you're focused on consciously forgiving, then it just makes it harder to forgive.
Another way to look at it is that forgiveness (or detachment) is really a byproduct or side effect of building a wonderful life for yourself. When you focus on having a great life, forgiveness and detachment don't matter, it just happens.
So you can see where this is going; I believe building a great life for yourself is far more important than forgiveness. If you can't see how you could possibly build a great life for yourself, then you may want to be treated for depression.
I could be wrong...
Thank you Doodler,
Your description sounds more plausible than my IC's. Are you taking on any new clients?...lol
I have a new issue. Recently, X showed up at the house, with a very short announcement that she was coming. She was bringing a birthday present for my daughter. She did not get out of the car, but her son came inside to play with the dog and visit. I gave him a hug, said i love you and off they go. After they left, I sent her a text saying please give us some space. Last week, she sends me an online invitation to her son's birthday party. I declined the invitation, and left a message saying, "thank you but we have prior obligations and will not be able to make it".
Today, she sent me a text saying she was coming to the house again
Her: we are helping D get her scooter and skateboard home from school. Also S gave her an invitation to his party. Sorry
Me: that's not necessary. We are picking it up later today. Thank for the offer tho
Her: we are already half way there. She asked for our help
At this point my anxiety soars, and I wait for them to arrive. My D and her S come through the door, while X stands out by the street. Her son play with the dog for a bit and then I shuffle him out the door to his waiting mom. I text her afterwards
Me: D appreciated you bringing her scooter home. She says she misses you both, and thank you.
Her: no problem! We miss her too. Hopefully they can see each other more often, when our parenting schedules change. (Her ex husband and I are friendly and he will have S, while I have D. It's a long story, not worth going in to)
Me: D is now crying. I don't appreciate it. You've hurt us enough
Her: you are the one not letting her see us. You won't allow it
Her: from now on I will say, "no your dad doesn't want us to see you"
I did not reply after that, and I'm not sure how to handle it. On one hand I feel like replying, but on the other I feel like maybe I should just let it be. I would love some suggestions....thanks in advance
Swoop,
Forgiveness is a choice. You can't move forward until you truly forgive. It's really hard to forgive as well. I'm struggling with forgiving at the moment. But I know to free myself it must happens. Forgiveness is not about the person you forgiving but about setting yourself free.
The other person my never apologize or feel remorse. Thats not your problem, in order to get healthy and move forward you have to forgive.
Does anyone have input on whether I should address these texts and ex's lack of boundary? I'm not sure about how to, or if I should, acknowledge it.....thank you
Swoop,
What do you think replying will accomplish? I think all you need to do is explain to your daughter how much you love her, and you wouldn't do anything to hurt her. I would leave that conversation where it stands. IMHO.
At this point my anxiety soars, and I wait for them to arrive. My D and her S come through the door, while X stands out by the street. Her son play with the dog for a bit and then I shuffle him out the door to his waiting mom. I text her afterwards
OK well it sounds like she is trying to respect your boundary, in that she stays out by the street whenever she comes by. I know it's tough on you but you've got to try and think of the kids too, her S bonded with you and it's not fair to him to just cut him off despite what's going on with his mom and you. Same with your D, I'm sure she misses your XGF. If your feelings are too raw right now then tell XGF you need some time, a month or two months or whatever. Tell her that during that time you don't want her coming over and you want little to no contact so you can recover emotionally, and then after that you can maybe work out some kind of visitation.
Me: D is now crying. I don't appreciate it. You've hurt us enough
Why do you think you said that? I think you were trying to hurt XGF with that comment, is that the case? Just be careful, those type of comments will usually hurt you more than anyone else. And they are not at all consistent with DB'ing and Sandi's 37 rules.
Swoop,
What do you think replying will accomplish? I think all you need to do is explain to your daughter how much you love her, and you wouldn't do anything to hurt her. I would leave that conversation where it stands. IMHO.
I feel that it would give her some clarity. ultimately, I did decide to text her. I simply let her know that I was not trying to keep D-11 away from her, nor was I ghosting S-8. I am just not emotionally ready for it yet, and perhaps we could arrange visitation somewhere down the road, when I am more healed. I wished her well, and ended it by saying "take care"
[quote=swoop]
At this point my anxiety soars, and I wait for them to arrive. My D and her S come through the door, while X stands out by the street. Her son play with the dog for a bit and then I shuffle him out the door to his waiting mom. I text her afterwards
OK well it sounds like she is trying to respect your boundary, in that she stays out by the street whenever she comes by. I know it's tough on you but you've got to try and think of the kids too, her S bonded with you and it's not fair to him to just cut him off despite what's going on with his mom and you. Same with your D, I'm sure she misses your XGF. If your feelings are too raw right now then tell XGF you need some time, a month or two months or whatever. Tell her that during that time you don't want her coming over and you want little to no contact so you can recover emotionally, and then after that you can maybe work out some kind of visitation.
This is great advice, and exactly what I chose to do. I sent her a text, very simple and to the point. Thus far, she hasn't replied or contacted me in any way, so she probably is trying to respect my boundaries, like you said.Me: D is now crying. I don't appreciate it. You've hurt us enough
Why do you think you said that? I think you were trying to hurt XGF with that comment, is that the case? Just be careful, those type of comments will usually hurt you more than anyone else. And they are not at all consistent with DB'ing and Sandi's 37 rules.
I think you are absolutely right, AS. I didn't realize I was trying to hurt her, but that is what it was. I thought I was trying to let her be aware, that more than just her life is affected by this. It was a jab that I gave her, no doubt.The last few days have been "good", but trying. My overall mood is improving, but I have been thinkig about X more and more. I keep playing the highlight reels in my head, and trying to make rhyme or reason of why this all happened. I know that everyone has a different perspective, but there were so many positives in our relationship, I cannot seem to see where the disconnect happened. It's all just so confusing to me.
Anyway, one day at a time! I have switched up my IC sessions to once, every two weeks. I am going to do my best to keep my head up, GAL and continue to move forward. Branching out into new pier groups is continuing to be difficult, but I am out there and trying! I might sign up for a puppy training class in January. Who knows, maybe that will be good for both of us, me and the dog