Hi... this is my first thread, ever.
I have been struggling with my relationship for a year and a half now, ever since my spouse (through 17 years and on son 13y) said he had had enough, and then went out on the sea for 5 weeks, without saying more and not wanting to talk about it while he was away. But to make a long story short. He didn´t leave and still hasn´t but says he also wants to try to make it work. But we seem to just be standing still.
I have to mention that I really went down after that day, I really felt broken, now I have figured out that it was not only about what happened - but my reaction was mostly due to everything I have been through since I was 3 years old, parents divorce many time, they moved me to my grandparents multiple times and suicide attemps in the family (not me though) but again to make a long story short, I have been through enough bad things, so this was sort of "the drop over the edge" for me and broke me completely down. So yes I have done all the wrong things, cried, begged etc... and still he is here?
Fortunatly I did stumble across this book somewhere along the way and have red it and I am trying to as much as I can to follow these rules, even how hard I think it is, especially while living in the same house, and actually we don´t fight, we just live at roommates, and I hate that we don´t have any intimacy, I really don´t want a roommate?
My spouse is a person who doesn´t talk at all about anything that bothers him, and he never has, he just has kept everything in all these years and now everything bursted out at once and he had such a negative approach towards me, and he has all right to be, he was very right about alot of things, not all though - but I have listened and have taken care of alot of the things he has mentioned, but he still will not move the relationship forward again, I honestly don´t know what he is waiting for - because the changes are extremely obvious and he has noticed all of it, and is still here?
One problem I am having with this approach is the pursue/distance part, I know i have been pursuing him, and I am trying all i can NOT to do that and can manage pretty good, sometimes I fall inn unfortunatly, especially the no intimacy part it bothering me, I have no idea how to deal with that. Because I feel like I am worth nothing when there is no intimacy and I feel that I am drifting further and further away from him.
And one of his complaints was that I didn´t priorities him enough, which he it very right about, and the same with him, he has always taken his job before us, but i have learned only to listen to him and not defend myself - but i feel like we are going no where?
He is like a elephant who never forgets anything, and brings old stuff up again and again, event things that we talked about many years ago, that I thought where out of the way - but i was wrong? I am at my wits end now and have no idea what to do... to get him to understand that i have my limits with this. (there has not been any infidelity, he had a emotional affair for 2 months, only chat - but that broke me even more a few months back, and right after that he changed for one month, really wanting things to work, and intimacy came back a little bit, but after 1 month, he just closed of again - and afterwards he said it was because I moved to fast ? still he didn´t say anything, just waited until it was to late ?
He owns the house and we are not married, and I really don´t want to move out and give him a ultimatum, but soon I don´t know if that is the only thing left to do - he has said all the time that if any of us should go - he will move out, he doesn´t want our son to be affected by this.
My problem is, as a divorce child, I know what this does to a child, and the last thing in this world i want to do, is to do the same to our son?? I really haded my parents divorce, no matter how "good" they tried to make it, let me say, i almost still wish they could figure it out together. And I love my spouse with all my heart and I don´t want to mess this up - but I want to some how move forward now.
I have just start talking to a therapist about all my issues, including the fear of abandonment and fear of rejection and feeling unloved and feeling like I am so easy to just throw away - like I have felt all my life. So yes I know the way forward is to work on my own issues, and that is what I am concentrating on - oh boy this is still hard.
How did you cope with the "no intimacy" issue, while stilling lying in the same bed every night? I really don´t get it nor do I understand the point of it - why should he be here after 1,5 year and not wanting anything... he says he wants to, but doesn´t know how to "get there" again? I have to stop pursuing him - but I think its very very hard when sleeping in the same bed every night - let me say he is not one who forgives and forgets easily - and he had a "perfect" family growing up compare to my very [censored] up family, so often I feel like he has no idea what I have been through, he doesn´t know it all, nobody does, but he know plenty, now at least - unfortunatly I have always been a very closed person, when it comes to what I have been through, and that is one of his critic points of me, that I didn´t come to him with everything (but I couldn´t even talk to my self about this stuff - nor anybody else, and I had no idea how to tell him this stuff?). Now I wish I had of course.
Well I am not sure what wanted with this post, I guess maybe just to get it out and see if you have any good advice on how to move forward, without moving out and giving it all up?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
How did you get by the no intimacy problem, i dont understand how a spouse can say he wants this to work and at the same time do nothing for making it work, just saying “i dont know what to do” and not looking for any information?? I really dont understand it
Well I can keep posting, I found out that the worst time is at night, when I really feel the lack of intimacy (rejection), I try to handle it and try to not expect anything, and it works fine for a few days, but then there comes an evening where everything just burst out??? and I feel like i ruin everything... OMG this is hard, if anyone hear have any ideas on NOT to have these outburst every few weeks, any advice is more than welcome
Read up on detachment and pursuit and distance,
Then take it one day, or one hour or one minute at a time.
Hello BB78, I was about to type a lengthy reply (as most of mine tend to be) but I noticed you haven't posted since your first few posts a week ago, are you still around?
Yes still around just been out of the country for a few days for work.
Home again now, H is here at home, but still no intimacy, and I still have a hard time with is, especially feeling worthless and unloved and not worth fighting for
I know what Inam suppose to do, but its extremely diffecult while being at home with him, and I dont know what to read into the fact that he is still here??
Well a bit more to the story.. its kind of extra complicated since H is away for 6 weeks and then home for 6 weeks, and everytime I feel its starting to be a little bit better, he goes away and we a step backwards again, I get extremely insecure when he’s away... and the annoying thing is, he is still at home and says if anyone leaves it will be him??
But he doesnt leave and it doesn’t seem like he will and he talkes about doing this and this with the house? And since it feels like we are getting nowhere with the intimacy problem, I get extremely insecure and have a really hard time believing him. For example I asked him before he left yesterday if we are ok? And he said yes and actually didnt want to leave (but still no intimacy)? OMG I dont know why I need this intimacy to work so bad. He says he is scared that if he starts slowely, then i will want it all back right away?? I dont get this, how can we build something without intimacy, I just feel like a lovesick idiot? I really really need a way to cool down and to get out of my head and NOT worry about fixing us.
He has even said that I need to back of because I apparently am sad often, I keep it in, until I burst, and everytime its the intimacy problem that gets me??? I did not used to be like this I have alwyas been strong and of course will manage on my own. BUT i really really dont want to loose my family, I love him with all my heart, and unfortunatly I have not been good at showing that to him that good enough, I have always been scared of being left/abandoned/rejected...so I guess I have been protected my self with not letting him in 100%, and now I am paying for it 😔 and I have no idea how to make it up to him.
He also says we should just relax and wait until “its”, but OMG its hard to “hold back” my love??? I know what i need to do, but I just cant seem to figure it out to do it, instead I am in my head “fixing-mode” 24/7, with only a few minnuts break sometime... if I keep going like this I will end up going crazy... how the heck can I just detache and STOP TRYING? 😭😢
Fortunatly I did stumble across this book somewhere along the way and have red it and I am trying to as much as I can to follow these rules, even how hard I think it is, especially while living in the same house, and actually we don´t fight, we just live at roommates, and I hate that we don´t have any intimacy, I really don´t want a roommate?
You would be surprised at how often this happens. We get a lot of people who come here and say their spouse is done and wants out of the M, but then they continue to live in the family home more or less as roommates. In some cases they even continue to have sex. Yet when any of these LBSers press their WAS about the R, they find out their attitude still hasn't changed, they still want out. The thing is, a WAS often does enjoy the "comfort" of a home life so they will continue that even though they think the M is "over".
but I have listened and have taken care of alot of the things he has mentioned, but he still will not move the relationship forward again, I honestly don´t know what he is waiting for - because the changes are extremely obvious and he has noticed all of it, and is still here?
OK, so it sounds like you are doing some 180s. But what is your timeline? How long has your sitch been going on? You have to be very patient, at first the WAS will see everything as tricks to get them back. So the behavioral changed have to be consistent over a long period of time before the WAS will start believing they're real.
Because I feel like I am worth nothing when there is no intimacy and I feel that I am drifting further and further away from him.
Is this something you've talked to your IC about? Your feelings of self-worth should not be tied to intimacy, that's putting too much pressure on a spouse to make you whole. We need to be happy alone before we can be really happy with someone else.
I have just start talking to a therapist about all my issues, including the fear of abandonment and fear of rejection and feeling unloved and feeling like I am so easy to just throw away
OK it's good you're getting help. I think we can all relate to some of those feelings, BD has a way of making us feel "thrown away" like that. But please understand BD has as much to do with our spouse as us. Often it's triggered by an internal struggle they are going through themselves, whether they know it or not.
How did you cope with the "no intimacy" issue, while stilling lying in the same bed every night? I really don´t get it nor do I understand the point of it - why should he be here after 1,5 year and not wanting anything... he says he wants to, but doesn´t know how to "get there" again?
I am not an expert on SSM, but I understand Michele's book "The Sex-Starved Marriage" is a great resource so you might read it if you haven't already.
I have to stop pursuing him - but I think its very very hard when sleeping in the same bed every night
Read Sandi's rules:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072You can follow those rules while still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed. You can live in those conditions while not pursuing him. You can't really "go dark" but detaching and stopping pursuit are different than going dark.
Thanks for this very long message, it helped to hear that other are in the same situation, and I just read Sandis rule and must admit I problerbly have broken 90% of them during the crisis
but I have saved them now and will try to follow them the very best I can and just started a diving-course which hopefully will take my mind of things as well.
The last two days, since he left, I have tried to activly stop my negative mind-set, by (shouting STOP, in my head) everytime it starts, my negative self-talk, which gets me down everytime, only one thought and I am crying
but just “shouting STOP”, works alot of the time.
He is gone for a few weeks but calls every day or every second day.
I asked him straight up the other day, if he really wanted to save this relationship, and he said again that yes he wants to, but doesnt know how yet, so I am not sure how long time-line I have, I just know that I am not ready to give up yet. I dont want my son to go through what I went through and since we are the best of friends (still are) I really with all my heart know that we could have an amazing life, he thought the same for just 4 months ago, when he suddenly was 100% in, and we had a deal then to talk if there where any problems, but (as usually) he said nothing until it again it was to late (he thought that I moved to fast, he has told me now finally, 3 minths tonlate???) I told him to talk to me if there was anything absolutely anything that was not ok? But he kept his old ways, and said nothing
and that is so sad, and then we got back to step one and again he made everything my fault
[quote=Bb78]Thanks for this very long message, it helped to hear that other are in the same situation, and I just read Sandis rule and must admit I problerbly have broken 90% of them during the crisis
but I have saved them now and will try to follow them the very best I can and just started
a diving-course which hopefully will take my mind of things as well.
a scuba class? THAT will take your mind off things or you'll have problems in the class!
A lot of people have been in your shoes or are now. You need to Stop the pursuit. Seriously.
You don't want pity to keep him around half way. And you are hurting your cause by the pressure. How is your son?The last two days, since he left, I have tried to activly stop my negative mind-set, by (shouting STOP, in my head) everytime it starts, my negative self-talk, which gets me down everytime, only one thought and I am crying
but just “shouting STOP”, works alot of the time.
I used to use a "Stop Sign" image. Whatever helps. Have you seen a Doctor for anti anxiety medication? It sounds like there is some spinning going on.
There is a free meditation app called "insight timer" that has helped me enormously. Especially in the middle of the night. Also one called "Calm" and "10% Happier".
Keep posting. He is gone for a few weeks but calls every day or every second day.
I asked him straight up the other day, if he really wanted to save this relationship,
Stop asking, okay? And back off the intimacy pressure, it's not something a man can just do.
\
and he said again that yes he wants to, but doesnt know how yet, so I am not sure how long time-line I have, I just know that
I am not ready to give up yet.
then don't go there. If I understand your situation, you are both in the home and parenting the son, but not having sex.
Okay so, take care of yourself and give him time AND space. Work on yourself b/c as you say, you have stuff in your sandbox. Stay out of his for now. I dont want my son to go through what I went through and since we are the best of friends (still are) I really with all my heart know that we could have an amazing life, he thought the same for just 4 months ago, when he suddenly was 100% in, and we had a deal then to talk if there where any problems, but (as usually) he said nothing until it again it was to late
(he thought that I moved to fast, he has told me now finally, 3 minths tonlate???)
not clear on this^^. (The question marks you write in are a little confusing to me).
If he said you moved too fast, believe him. Stay in your sandbox, (working on your own issues, which you admit have not helped your situation. I think it's making a lot of things worse for the m. No offense, okay? But you sound so needy it has to be hard to feel relaxed or comfortable.
Be as good a mother as you can be, and GAL.
You have to Detach and you must MUST GAL to do that. Become a woman only a fool would leave.
IF you don't detach, you will make yourself crazy and your h will go nuts too.
Detaching is also the only way to find some peace.
Hang in there and keep posting and keep reading the Div Busting book.
The question-marks was just that I didn’t understand him, when he didn’t say anything about something being wrong or that things moved too fast, until he had build his walls up again and shut me out again.
Yes its true that I was needy for a while there, and it has been hard not to be, but for one hole year, I tried not to be needy and giving him space and all the peace he wanted, suddenly I found out that he had been chatting to another woman, that threw me totally off and I actually wanted to leave then, but he suddenly was so sorry about what he had done and turned everything around 180 and wanted me - and I bought it and dived right back in (what I now know I should NOT have done, but I didn’t know better, I just was so glad he had finally “woken up”, And we talked about that from then on, we would talk about anything, also if something was wrong - but he said nothing, when he felt I pushed (I am really sorry I did that), and there are no excused, I just have to learn from it and take everything slower. And believe me I try not to be needy.
Normally I am a very “stand alone” person and always have wanted to manage everything myself, I have been very independant (too independant, if you ask my spouse, the biggest issue he had with me was apparently that I never needed him and never cared about him, since I always wanted to be able to take care of myself) so he thinks I was too independant and didn’t prioritize him enough - and he is right about that (to a point) not that I didn’t care about him, I have always loved him and still do - but have not been the best person to show him in his way, I thought I did, but I understand that He did not see it in the same way, and I cant say how sorry I am for that, if I had known, I would have made it alot better - but he is closed as a shell and always has been.
But since the crisis I have been really working on my self, my faults and I am prioritizing him, but its a fine line between prioritizing and being too close, actually I think its really hard to both detach and prioritize him? Maybe thats where I go wrong again?
I dont know, I am currently working with a therapist about my rejection and abandonment issue, which I have had since I was about 5 years old, there where alot of problems growing up with a violent stepdad, and that caused my mother to send me away alot, thats what I am trying to work out now with my therapist...
But thanks even for the harsh truth about being needy
I just really want to stop and just be ok with him leaving or not...
Trying all my best to follow alll the advice and GAL
and staying in my own sandbox.
Our son is fine, we have managed to keep him out of it. It was only the first month he noticed that I was sad, but (and I have to say but) I was in chock, my spouse was at home for only 1 day, i had no idea that something was wrong then and he said nothing until 5 minuts before leaving on the boat (saying “I have had enough”) thats it, i stood there as an idiot and actually thought that was over and he didnt want to talk at all while being awa, more then a few times ove the phone - but wouldnt say anythingy? So yes there was a month there with alot of confusion and sadness, and unfortunatly our son picked up on that, but I told him, we had problems, but that We where working on it.
"Is this something you've talked to your IC about? Your feelings of self-worth should not be tied to intimacy, that's putting too much pressure on a spouse to make you whole. We need to be happy alone before we can be really happy with someone else."
Yes you are very right, and I never in a million years would have thought that I would react this way? I must say everything I have ever thought about me, what that I would just say screw this and just leave, but for the first time in my entire life I really DONT want to run away, so yes you are very right that my self-worth should not have anything to do with the fact if I am with my spouse or not, so yes this is one of the main subjects I am fixing at the moment, and its going in the right direction.
I think this started many years ago, when I started to feel lonely, he has been alot away every year and I have been taking care of everything at home and running a business at the same time, so for a few years there, it was extremely hard and I didn´t know how to stop it, until 2010, when I said enough.
So he is actually now (2017) mad about what happened 10 to 7 years ago and seems resentful of it, even if it has been going great many years afterward, and it seems like he is not taking any blame in this (except in March), when I had had it and actually wanted to leave, suddenly everything was his fault, but now its back to my fault, and I am actually getting a bit tired of taking all the blame. I have listened and accepted my part of the fault and never have I said otherwise, and I have appologize, but I cant keep appologizing again and again for the same things, and even things that he has misunderstood and never has talked to me about. I felt for many years that all I wanted was him for once to choose us over work and is friends. I don´t think he has every understood that all I wanted was some quality time with him.
It was suppose to say (he told me 3 months to late, that I was pushing to much).
I believed everything he said, and also when he told me that now he would learn to talk about things, also the hard things, but unfortunatly that wasn´t true - So I learned that the hard way.
And I have always listened and believed him and I didnt argue, when he told me all the bad things, I listened and since then i have changed alot of my behavor - so yes I will give it more time and GAL at the same time.
I asked him straight up the other day, if he really wanted to save this relationship, and he said again that yes he wants to, but doesnt know how yet, so I am not sure how long time-line I have, I just know that I am not ready to give up yet. I dont want my son to go through what I went through and since we are the best of friends (still are) I really with all my heart know that we could have an amazing life, he thought the same for just 4 months ago, when he suddenly was 100% in, and we had a deal then to talk if there where any problems, but (as usually) he said nothing until it again it was to late (he thought that I moved to fast, he has told me now finally, 3 minths tonlate???) I told him to talk to me if there was anything absolutely anything that was not ok? But he kept his old ways, and said nothing
and that is so sad, and then we got back to step one and again he made everything my fault
Try to remember that he is just as confused as you are. So his actions and words wont match and will change frequently.
One image that was given to me a long time ago that has stuck with me is that YOU are a large rock on the beach. Your job is to stay steady and strong. He is the ocean waves rippling and roaring around you.
What can you do to stay calm, focused, centered, and grounded during the time of crisis?
Work on GAL. Work on 180s. Work on rebuilding your self-worth.
Thanks for all the answers, I am listening and have decided NOT to fall in the same ways again, where I am needy and lash out, I will do my very best to follow the “rules”, he is away for the next 3-4 weeks, so it I have plenty of time to GAL and to get my self together before he is back - am determine to do my very best.
Maybe one more advice if anyone has one to this, how did you overcome not thinking more about the one person they had the EA with and maybe especially not hating them? its really hard do avoid in a small city? unfortunatly? any thoughts?
Bizz,
One thing I did was to tell myself that given the OP attention gives them more power in my Sitch (did I completely eliminate thoughts, no, but I diminished them). I also start to see myself as the better option no matter what. The last thing I did was forgave the OP person, I did it with GOD's love and grace. Only through his love for me, ever could I forgive AP and my W for what happened. I read up on forgiveness. GOD forgave me for all my sins and then he put my sins in the river of forgiveness to be banished forever.
I hope this helps.
Thanks for that and yes i really want to just not think about her, even if I see her, I will try to forgive and see me as the better choice.
How do you deal with the trust? I tell my self that I need to trust him 100% until he proves me otherwise, but oh man that is hard, but I do not snoope in his texts and mails and etc. i think I would be crazy if I did that. But I really want to trust him again, buts its hard when I dont feel he is commited to “us”, And when I feel low on his prioritizing list. In my mind I just want him to either get commited or just leave.... but I am not ready for that, since I love him and he says a part of him wants this to work out? But I am really having a hard time to believe it, but I try.
My therapist says I should make an extra efford to believe it and act the same way for a few minths and see what happens - and while of course GAL and finding my happy moments, which I am actually getting better at every day. Sometimes I feel that I would be better of without him, since he is not treating me the way I actually deserve to be treated.
He knows what I have been through, he knows all the bad things I have had to live with and I think that is one part that is hurting me the most, that he after knowing all that I have been through now puts me through this also... That is what tears me apart and also is the reason I have a hard time believing him again.
well having him home for a few hours today, and its been nice, just trying to have fun, be light and not have ANY R talk at all... i have desided to go ALL IN until christmas and really really try NOT to hava ANY expectiations of anything from him, and try to "lovingly" detach - I really hope this will work, and I will proberbly keep writing her, if not only to keep the promise to my self.
Now he is home again, this time for a few days, will try the 180, even if I things its hard especially when one of his problems was that i didn’t priority him high enough, so it seema weird to pull back even more? But I will def. Try...
How do you deal with the trust? I tell my self that I need to trust him 100% until he proves me otherwise
Trust is earned, not given. What has he done lately to earn your trust? Told you he's done with the M, gone off for weeks at a time, won't tell you anything, says he wants to work on things but doesn't know how. Doesn't sound like someone that deserves trust to me.
but I do not snoope in his texts and mails and etc. i think I would be crazy if I did that.
In general it's not a good idea because you'll typically find out just enough to drive you crazy but not to prove anything. And if he finds out you're snooping he'll just go deep undercover with his actions.
But I really want to trust him again, buts its hard when I dont feel he is commited to “us”, And when I feel low on his prioritizing list.
Exactly! Do you want to be Plan B? Because that's what you are now. So quit pursuing him, get out and get your own life. Let him pursue you. You're making it too easy for him to cake-eat.
well having him home for a few hours today, and its been nice, just trying to have fun, be light and not have ANY R talk at all... i have desided to go ALL IN until christmas and really really try NOT to hava ANY expectiations of anything from him, and try to "lovingly" detach - I really hope this will work, and I will proberbly keep writing her, if not only to keep the promise to my self.
What do you mean by "all in"? You should be going all-in on YOU, not him.
Now he is home again, this time for a few days, will try the 180, even if I things its hard especially when one of his problems was that i didn’t priority him high enough, so it seema weird to pull back even more? But I will def. Try...
You have to understand that when he says you didn't give him priority, he doesn't mean he wants that now. He's explaining why he'd done with the M. Doing it now is "too little too late" for him. Pull back and give him space, live your own life. Let him think he might lose you.
Yes, all in, I meant with the 180, including letting him pursue me.
I definetly do NOT want to be his plan B. We have been together for 17 years, and its hard to get all the blame (but of course I know he played a just a big part of it as me) - but its still hard to hear.
and you are right - I am really getting a life and doing alot of things for me - i have to get out of the victim and the needy role, and I am not pursuing him. (doing my best at that).
Sounds like a great plan of action, good luck!
Thanks, I am trying to hang in there. Will properbly write here soon, its good to have somewhere to vent...
Having good and bad days, sometimes its seems so easy to have a positive mind and noticing the little improvements, but oh dear its hard sometimes. This is really taking a toll on my self-worth and confidence and abandonment-issues (which I by the way didn’t know I had - until now?), its so easy to feel like you have no one and that you are never good enough, because your (my) spouse isnt that in to me anymore, its a horrible feeling. And then sometimes there are a few minutes with really good self-esteem and the thoughts are f... it, if he doesnt want me then he should leave - but I cant get my self to say that to him, since I really dont want him to leave... its just hard when he won’t let me know how he feels, and it just seems like he is waiting for... I dont know what?... well these are just some morning thoughts.
Ok, still hanging in there... i would love to hear from some of you who have managed to save your marriages or relationships, or have come better out of it innthe “other end if you ended brekaing up”. I am working on my self everyday and getting better at it every day... still hard to live with out the intimacy, but my spouse is still home and we talk (not about the R of course) and we do a lot of work on the house at the moment, so there is enough to do, hopefully things will turn around soon, i more or less have decided to keep going for a while longer and see what happens - and making no decisions until 2018... so we will have to see what happens.
Hi Bizz. From the information in your posts you sound like you are perhaps a Navy wife? My daughter is as well and when her H is away on a cruise it is very difficult for her.
Do you have a support network outside of your therapist? I believe that the Navy has resources available (presuming again that you are Navy)
Just to lay my cards out here, I didn't save my marriage. I have gone through the fires and thanks to many kind people, several of them here, have (almost) come out the other side. I'm scarred, wounded but able to stand on my own two feet. I've certainly come out of this a changed person and one who perhaps sees themselves and the world more clearly than before.
No matter where your path leads you, know that there are no quick fixes but that there will be hard work. You don't seem like someone who is afraid of that at all.
You may not like this next bit, but like most of us, especially when we first get here, we tend to view our spouses and our marriages through rose coloured glasses. We have also invested ourselves emotionally and in years spent with our partners and are understandably focused on not losing that investment. As someone who has walked (most of the way) through this, I would suggest to you to try to look at your marriage from the outside. Is it healthy for you? For your son? For your husband? I'd also like you to take a good hard look at yourself using your own eyes. As a favourite author once wrote - open your eyes and then open them again. Do you like the woman you see? Do you admire her? Is she all that she can be as a woman, as a mother, as a wife? I'm not suggesting that you be a super-woman. Just a real woman of flesh and blood with flaws and features.
I hope that helps. This stuff is tough.
Yes it always helps to her what others say, and to hear their experiences, thanks -, we are still here, he says he still wants to save “us” but is not sure how to, the last time he wanted to really try, was when I actually wanted to move out? I really dont want to make any ultimatum, but I feel if things dont improve I will eventually have to, or maybe move to my grandmother? I think the hardest part is actually to be in the same house while he keeps pulling away, but not for real, just enough so that I dont get close to him, the days are actually fine, but the he just isnt intimate... well i am stilling following these advice and getting a life..
He is not in the navy, but a sailor, so he is away about 100-150 days a year, and yes its very hard when he is away, i always feel like we go backwards while he is away? I am not sure why, but still, it doesnt improve things...