this is also posted on another forum. Just wanted some different views. see bottom
Ok, here we go. On June 22 I found out my wife was planning on moving out with the kids because she needed some space to think. She even told me the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I felt like the bad guy because she said it was because lately I had ignored her emotionally to the point she just disconnected. She said she left signs, but I failed to see them. I bought this bs and felt like the bad guy for two days. I work 12 hour shift, so I have a lot of time off. She went so far as to aske me if I could help her dad watch the kids because work was sending her to training from July27 thru August3. Trying to do whatever I could to ease the situation and show her I cared, I agreed. During the interim, I made several major changes. I told her daily I loved her, kissed her check when she left for work( this was all she would allow) and out notes in her lunch daily, which to my surprise she kept. One night I was sitting up late alone and had the nagging feeling something else was going on. Being ignored for a couple of weeks didn't lead to this, I felt. Surely she would have told me there was a problem before it escalated to this stage.
Going against what I swore I wouldn't do, I got her phone and opened it up. No text history, no call history, nothing amiss in the photos on it. Until I went to her deleted photos. Bang! Pics of the OM blowing kisses and doing teenage selfies in the mirror. In her browser history, I found plane reservations, motel reservations, western union searches, and divorce packets the OM had sent her! When confronted, she admitted that she was indeed going to see himJuly27 thru August 3 to make sure it was "real"
I tried everything, told her how much I loved her, what she meant to me, etc. the day she left, I got some software that allowed me to retrieve deleted texts from her phone. This had gone from friendly innocent how's the family to here's what I want to do to you in two weeks. There was also mention of a sexual meet up inApril as he passed thru town.
Upon her return we had a long talk about the future. I asked if she wanted to be with him, she said I think so. I asked if she was done with me, I think so. If she was moving to him, no he's not ready for that and it will be a long time before he is. I checked on him- he's been married four times and is a serial cheater. His last wife was half his age and he had four partners simultaneously while with her. I verified this with her. She also said he was controlling, and mentally abusive..since her return they now say I love you to each other daily. When asked, she says they had no sex during the trip due to female issues, which I don't buy. I need to end this mess and get my wife back before it's too late. The only real communication they have is text and face time, and have only seen each other twice since February. Since he is in the military, they are both deathly afraid I will report his actions and he will lose his career. He has a top secret clearance and it would ruin him. I asked her several times if she wanted a divorce and she said no. She even said she doesn't know if this will work due to distance. She is afraid to tell our kids about it because I think she knows it won't last. Any ideas on how to proceed? I really love her, which might sound odd given all that's happened, but I can't shut it off. I know deep inside she still feels some love for me or we would not be talking at all and she would have jumped all over the divorce. I feel like I'm being kept on the side lines as a safety net. If this guy wasn't in the picture I know for sure we wouldn't be in the place we are now. Any ideas? BTW, I have a mountain of evidence, texts, photos, call logs etc
I am searching for ways to end the fog and the affair without too much damage. She has, since i originaly posted this , told me she wants to be with OM because he is her " Soulmate" and she has been in love with him since August 3rd. she has refused to end the affair to save our family. I'm having one of those days where i want to save us and get her back.
I dont see this lasting , as it is a LDA and they have only physically seen each other twice in six months.. once for a day and then for a week. Is anything in this salvagable? She did advise that the whole purpose of the trip was to see what daily life with each other would be like and if they would be compatible.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I don't have much to add. I'm sorry you are here. Hang in there. And yes go out and GAL. That is so important to heal and feel better. Listen to the advice. Good luck.
I'm implementing the 180, but its a little difficult because of the kids, and honestly, me. I want my life back. i want my wife back. I still blame OM and hate that she is still talking to him. She told me the other day that she would not end it with him to fix us because she loves him and he is her soulmate. I want so back to find that magic thing i have been searching for the last three months that when waved will make her see what shes doing and end it, but its still eluding me. I have an irrational thought that a long distance affair that is six months old, all over a phone, with a total of 8 days actual in person contact will wither and die soon. She has no interaction with this ass other than on the phone. Her justifications are warped, she took the trip in July so they could play hosue and see how it went. She remains adamant that she doesnt want to be with me, but wants to be with him and have a life with im. he doesnt want her to move to him, so they continue over the phone. My wife was a physical person, i cannot see how this type of relatioonship could possibly be satisfying. She is convinced he is worth a 17 year marriage and our family. She's heavu\y on the manipulation end- threatening to hate me forever if i turn him in to the military and expose him. What do i do?
Where do you stand on exposure? do you feel it is effective in this type case where the WW refused to end the affair?
Another question - I asked her to try and work on us and she refused to end it with him. She said to try would be cheating on him and that was wrong. So its ok to cheat on me, your husband, but wrong to cheat on OM? What the hell type of thought process is that?
Another question - I asked her to try and work on us and she refused to end it with him. She said to try would be cheating on him and that was wrong. So its ok to cheat on me, your husband, but wrong to cheat on OM? What the hell type of thought process is that?
Her crazy mixed up one which is quite typical and really part of the script.
My suggestion is to push them together and stop providing for any of her needs, let her go.
DETACH, you are not going to win her back by continued pursuit.
She refuses to go to be with him despite saying she wants to be with him. As I said earlier, he is in the military in Georgia and we are in Kentucky. She will not leave the children to be with him and he does not want children . They have both said they are not ready to live together and it will probably be a long time before they are.
right now i am at a crucial juncture~ I have a massive file to submit to the military that will ruin his career, and possibly end this mess. I am unsure if i should, because she told me if i do she will hate me forever, which in reality doesnt matter because She claims to be in love and that he is her soulmate, and she doesnt want to be with or have a lifge with me. What can i do to end this and get my WW back?
Ok. DO NOT DO ANYTHING OUT OF EMOTION!
Put that massive file down and take a breather. Go read all the links Cadet put up, and read them again.
Nothing will be gained by ruining this man's career and life. It will be counter productive to your goals. Do not do it.
What can you do to get your WW back? Start living the DB life, and post here so that we can help you.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
gw5263,
I think, for almost all of us, the most difficult part of DB is getting into the appropriate mindset. The actions you need to take seem so counter-intuitive that it's difficult to comprehend that it could be effective.
Ultimately, you need to let go of your wife and marriage and focus on improving your life and living your life to the fullest. Most of us seem to have to suffer through a lot of psychological pain before we can embrace that mindset (and some never get there).
I keep hope that this relationship dies quickly. It is , with the exception of two times, exclusivley over the phone. I cant see how a relationship can be sustained over a phone with no contact. She is stuck so far in rainbow land its ridiculous. telling our children didnt even have an impact. thats why the military exposure came to light. I figured it would end the relationship quickly, and deliver consequences to him and her for destroying our family.
she walks around here with a picture of him and her as her phones wall paper. I am at wits end with this bullshit and want it done.
The actions you need to take seem so counter-intuitive that it's difficult to comprehend that it could be effective.
Ultimately, you need to let go of your wife and marriage and focus on improving your life and living your life to the fullest.
GW, sorry to read about your sitch. Doodler gave you some great advice here and you should read these two sentences over and over until they really set in.
Her one complaint was that i was inattentive and didnt pay her enough attention. So my question is, if i detach and roll on, doing a 180, which is ignoring all but business matters, wont that reinforce her thoughts that i was inattentive and did not pay any attention?
gw5263,
I also had the complaint of neglect from my W. What was explained to me is at this point, she no longer wants your attention. So whatever attention you give won't impress her, but might actually piss her off. GAL and 180 will habe an effect more than anything else.
As for the relationship being conducted by phone conversations. That is exactly my sitch. W and OM had sex a couple of times on a cruise. Since then the relationship has been secret calls, text and messenger. But my W is so obsessed abiut living this fantasy in her words. That she is willing to give up me, family, friends and respect.
So yes it can go on longer than you think. If anything this prolongs everything. Because she never really gets to see the real OM. Not to mention, I just found out recently that SIL was aware of the A. OM just happens to be SIL first cousin who is married with children. And likely has been helping those two sneak around using her place. So your WW will be making attempts to meet up with OM. And those few experiences will mean a lot to your W.
Her one complaint was that i was inattentive and didnt pay her enough attention. So my question is, if i detach and roll on, doing a 180, which is ignoring all but business matters, wont that reinforce her thoughts that i was inattentive and did not pay any attention?
While she is involved with someone else their is no hope for you.
Affair busting is done by pushing the two affair partners as close together as possible.
Only when the bright lights shine on the relationship will it show stress and crack.
Remember that this is all counter inutitive - doing what you think is the right thing is probably wrong.
GW,
I was also guilty of emotional neglect and not paying enough attention to my W. But while she is in an A, she can not see or appreciate any changes you make. The a has to die first. In the interim, you need to make changes for YOU. When the A does die, she will then be able to look back and begin to appreciate all the changes you made.
While exposing the A to his superiors might make you feel better and ruin his career, I don't think it will do anything but push your W further away. She will be VERY angry at you and she might not be able to get past that. What you can do is let her go down her own path that she created for herself. From what you describe, this guy is a total loser. She's got to see that for herself. You can't make her see that. She's got to discover it for herself. When she comes out of the fog, she will be ashamed that she allowed herself to become connected with such a loser.
Let her go. Let her sit in the mess she is creating. Spend this time working on you.
GW,
I read two forums everyday and have since my marriage exploded 2 and half years ago. This is one of those forums I read and the other forum you posted your story on is the other. I lurk only, but was compelled to post because I recognized your name from your post on the other forum.
I thought you had already submitted the file to the military? If not, I am glad that you haven't. I'd like to echo the other advice you've received and say you have to detach. You have no control over your wife or the OM. You have control over one thing - yourself. Their relationship is going to survive or it is not. That is not something you can control. You submit the file and he never speaks to her again. Or you submit the file and it brings them closer together as they weather another storm that is trying to ruin their once in a lifetime love affair. Either way you are left with a spouse who isn't willing to do the work right now to rebuild your marriage. Does it hurt like nothing you've ever felt before? Absolutely! You and your children will be ok. You have to focus on healing yourself, becoming the kind of man you want your children to emulate and move forward. Everyday, make your focus you and your children.
He lives three states away and she cant get away from work like that. He can only get away once every three months so everything is done via text, calls, and facetime. I have actually been texting him telling him to end this or be exposed in some pretty strong terms. My W made the mistake of telling me how terrified he was of being exposed due to the consequences he would face. At the time i hoped i could force his hand thru fear and make him end it. I even sent a letter to his parents, detailing everything. I cant see this lasting much longer with physical contact every three months. And me moving back into the home put a damper on all the free time for facetime and calls.
Let me condense this a little, heres the current situation.
Wife is involved with OM over the phone. they have physicaly met once for 7 days, and upon her return she says she loves him and wants a life with him. Currently living in the same house in separate rooms. She is unwilling to give him up. Says she emotionally disconnected with me in October due to me ignoring her needs and making her feel unloved and unwanted. Says he just might be her soulmate. Now tells me that if she finds out i turned him in to the military in an attempt to end the A she will hate me forever. Im detaching, any other suggestions?
Do you like being threaten? Because thats what you W is doing to you. If she wants to be with him, then she has to except the consquences. He's in the military and having affair is punishable under UMCJ. If she will hate you after, how does she feel about now, because is show don't sound like she likes you. IMO you need to air it out. Tell his command and let them both deal with the consquences. Don't protect her relationship with OM.
Also to me it sounds like she is saying I dare you. You need say "Dare excepted". She's still married to you.
After you do it. Dont react to nothing she does and GAL hard.
I am searching for ways to end the fog and the affair without too much damage. She has, since i originaly posted this , told me she wants to be with OM because he is her " Soulmate" and she has been in love with him since August 3rd. she has refused to end the affair to save our family. I'm having one of those days where i want to save us and get her back.
Do you truly want to end the fog and the affair? First of all, I seriously doubt you can end the fog or the affair without too much damage. Second of all, you will never end her fog or her affair by trying to show her how much you love her......and want her.......although she's scr@wing another another man. If you only knew how pathetic that makes a man look to a wayward wife, you would REALLY make a 180 degree in how you are approaching this betrayal by your W.
I can tell you what ends her fog. When harsh consequences hit her smack in the face. When she suffers some type of loss, due to her decisions to cheat and break up her family. That ends the fog.
You greatly affect her decisions in all of this, in how you respond to her adultery, betrayal, and disrespect. The way you have approached this situation so far.........is pushing her farther away, and it isn't phasing her fog.
Stop trying to convince her how much you love her and how much you want to save the M. She needs to be concerned.........and she won't be concerned with you letting her know how much you want her and the M. Don 't cater to her. Stand up for yourself and don't put up with her b.s. Don't let her ever see your fear!
You cannot make up for the emotional neglect while she's bringing another man into the M. It never works! The wayward wife will not turn around until she thinks her H is dumping her. Yes, I said dumps
her. So far, she's been dumping you, right? She is not worried about you happily moving on with a life without
her in it.
Damn...joe beat me to it. You need to sing like a bird to his command. And the fact that W threatened you is more of a reason to do so. What's she going to do to punish you? Continue to mess with OM? Threats like this is the fear of the LBS. Until we eventually realise that they are doing these things to us anyways. In our minds we feel that upsetting our WS will prevent them from changing their minds. But that never happens, because they are already convince that they aren't coming back. So go ahead and make that call. And let's see just how loyal she really is to OM. Considering that she is involved in an A proves that she isn't too loyal.
DB... go go dark you will see up your ass so quick.
Do you remember high school where we play games unfortunately you also gotta go down rabbit hole.. go to the gym.. get tattoos get into social media to meet new people trust me she will see the new you. Your W will be looking over your shoulder to see who texting you. Read my stitch my W just looked over my shoulder when dropping off kids. I been dark 5 weeks got new tattoo added, got into tinder profile been meeting new friends up for drinks, but remember always be honest with new friends let them know am here just to have fun no attachment trust me they will help you forget you W i didn't think it would but now am sexting new friend am smiling while W picks up kids because my new friend sends me sexting all the time. Unfortunately I will say this is like a free pass with no attachment if i was you take the free pass..
I hope this helps..
If she wants to be with him, then she has to except the consquences. He's in the military and having affair is punishable under UMCJ. If she will hate you after, how does she feel about now, because is show don't sound like she likes you. IMO you need to air it out. Tell his command and let them both deal with the consquences. Don't protect her relationship with OM.
After you do it. Dont react to nothing she does and GAL hard.
For what its worth, i agree with this.
Further, I'd demand that since she is having the affair, she move out at the very least out of the marital bedroom. Then as joe suggests, just GAL and detach. you have to act as if you are moving on without her. From everything i've read on here, its when they actually get the feeling you've moved on that they turn around (if they do). At first it may be an act because you have to force yourself to do it, but eventually the "act" becomes less forced and you actually do move on.
Read all the links cadet posted especially Sandi's LBS threads. There is some good stuff in there that is very relevant to your situation. Also, if in doubt, listen to Sandi2's advice as she has been on the other side of this.
Good luck in this awful situation.
I would suggest that you go dark and GAL. When you stop pursuing her and trying to make her stay with you she will have time to think through and will decide what she needs. You reporting her to the millitary wont help you or her.
He's not reporting her. He's reporting the OM. Going dark, while they are in the same house will be too hard. She made a threat, and to me she thinks he's weak. He has to start showing strength. He has a chance to have her live with the consquences. Most of us dont get a chance like this.
So Sandi2< Should i just start detachment and 180 her? What should i do with the OM? Ignore that he is even alive? Kinda at a loss for what steps to take to fix this mess. I know ive made it worse, she told me this morning that all the stuff ive done since we originally separated has taken us working it out off the table. Now the stuff with turning him in has caused an issue where she threatens to " Hate me forever " for ruining his life because she says hes done nothing wrong, shes the one who did the damage to our family. Yesterday she showed my son gifts she bought him and told him not to tell me. What do I do? Where do i begin? I have a general idea, buit thats it. Ive been reading your posts and think that 180, detachment, and GAL is the way to go , but your absolutley right, it feels like the wrong thing to sit back and let the affair go on unimpeded. It does truley feel counter intuitive as you said. Im just lost right now.i think i have it under control and i really dont.
GW,
We know is hard to detach,GAL trust me but again you are now in a whole different world, my W just told me OW is not me OW can't never be me, our W will talk to us like we are there bf I know i know is freaking crazy, when I first got here I was a total mess I kept reading I even question it like 180.hmmmm detach like how am I going win W back by doing that but one day I realize let me try it and I am seeing oh wow, it's working. Read my stitch Sunday W came and drop S8 and D9 and was seeing my changes W talk I just listen and if W ask a question I reply with one word. It's hard trust me but I can see W is soft spoken now W is making eye contact,rubbed my hand I kept my cool. I know she cake eating but I stood my ground. As soon i walk in I gave kids big hug and kiss and walk away for 20min and cried because I still love my W and for the first time I haven't said ILY in 5 weeks or hug or anything.
Unfortunately we are in high school again, in earlier stitch I told you we now in there world we have to play the hard to get spouse, and play there game but we are one step ahead. My MLC/WAW/PTSD W was a monster I never thought I will ever see the person I knew 10yrs ago but Sunday I seen how she was trying to see everything I text.
Is crazy but this forum is what keeping us going you would have your days just never let her see you.
Example W didn't want me to get sleeve tatoos because W said she didn't like them and hated the fact it made me more attractive Guess what I did yelp I got my tattoo I wanted and I don't have to ask permission because am single now. So just tell yourself this is a free pass for you to do everything you wanted to do before you got married.
Again we are family here is a horrible pain it feels like life not worth it or why would this happen, am going tell you what my Therapist said this was going happen with you or weather she was married to someone else this was destiny you can't change God plan we just gotta go with the flow. So focus on you always first because our kids need us because at this moment we are the only thing they have in stability.
Take it a day at a time, is a process is ok to sometimes cry,scream on your time even punch go do boxing that's a great releaver for me. And eventually when you start seeing everything we been telling you is true then your tears become laughter am telling you I say am in a twilight zone and there's day feels like a circus but hey we can't change it we gotta keep going.
So Sandi2< Should i just start detachment and 180 her? What should i do with the OM? Ignore that he is even alive? Kinda at a loss for what steps to take to fix this mess. I know ive made it worse, she told me this morning that all the stuff ive done since we originally separated has taken us working it out off the table. Now the stuff with turning him in has caused an issue where she threatens to " Hate me forever " for ruining his life because she says hes done nothing wrong, shes the one who did the damage to our family. Yesterday she showed my son gifts she bought him and told him not to tell me. What do I do? Where do i begin? I have a general idea, buit thats it. Ive been reading your posts and think that 180, detachment, and GAL is the way to go , but your absolutley right, it feels like the wrong thing to sit back and let the affair go on unimpeded. It does truley feel counter intuitive as you said. Im just lost right now.i think i have it under control and i really dont.
He has done nothing wrong? He knew she was married, correct? Yet he still did it. not only that, but you mentioned he had done it before? Let him live with the consequences for his actions. I agree with Joe that you appear very weak. Indeed you knew she was going off for a week with him and you didn't take any action on that, correct?
Again, detach, GAL and live it. Spend as much time as you can with the kids and help them get through this as well because this can't be good for them. If she chooses to go down the path of leaving the M, then let her and DON'T support her in any way in that cause. again DETACH. Its hard as h$ll, but the only way you can turn this ship is if she thinks you've moved on.
IMO, you shouldn't take any advice from your wife on this. This is your decision and she knows it. Dont let her influence it. Show her she don't have power over you.
"He didnt do anything wrong". Other than sleep with a married woman and go against the oath he swore to. He's in the military.
Again she has no power over you. Show her she doesn't.
Listen to her logic, shes going to hate you, but she is the one who slept with OM while married. You should be the one dictating here not her. She decided to sleep with a man in the military now they both must pay the price.
If you are worried about getting her back, do you really think she's going to come back if you don't say nothing and let their affair continue?
You have to show her you are moving on (at least she must think that). And the best way IMO is to report this and detach hard as you can. Don't text her, call her, email her, or take any calls from her. Dont respond to her at all. If she tries to talk to you about you turning him in you turn and walk away. Stop giving her attention.
You know the right answer in this, but you dont want to upset your wife. It's time to take back some control. Doing the right thing is not always the easiest thing. It's going to hurt and be hard as he'll to deal with. Get prepared.
She has this narrative she sticks to about emotionally separating from me before talking to OM, which i dont buy. She never changed the way she acted towards me until I discovered her dirty little secret. She knew him from High School and claims that one night she saw he was on FB and started to tell him our issues, and he worked his magic. Yes, i was weak in my handling it. I didnt know what to do. I appeased, I begged, I cried, I yelled. Had no idea what i was dealing with and no help. Now i know better. I am learning to do as everyone has said. She told me that all the fighting for us and asking for chances was pushing her farther away. Today she told me that all the effort i attempted to put in to save us actually drove her way past the point of working on us. She forgets that i saw her texts to OM before the Separation telling him she wanted a life with him and not me. I realize now what Sandi said. She needs to be dumped, not me. How can i go about this while living in the same house?We have 2 kids if that matters. This A is strange to me because they have seen each other physically 2 times. Everything else is calls, facetime, and texts due to distance, and i cant understand how she expects it to last and be forever. How can she possibly have fallen in love and decided he is her soulmate over a phone? I realize he says everything she wants to hear and makes her feel great with his comments. But ithink most everyone would agree that physical contact would be important too. And they have none. When she told me she wanted to be with him, i told her to leave and go be with him and she refused, saying she didnt want to leave the kids. Im so confused by all this. She acts most of the time like nothing has ever happened, like it was 9 months ago. But if i bring it up she gets belligerant or cries, or shuts down and says nothing.
gw5263,
I agree it does seem strange regarding how anybody can feel this way about someone else with as little contact as you mention BUT it happens all the time and usually needs very little to create that attachment especially IF the WS feels there is something fundamentally wrong in their MR.
Most of the time the MR is normal/good but again all it can take is a tiny bit of intimacy from AP/LO and they’re hooked. Again sometimes it’s already instilled in them through their upbringing and all we can hope is that they can come to realise this and work through it!
My original post is all about the limerence effect on WS and the phases they go through, literally a seductive look or secretive kiss and that’s it we’re in phase one infatuation, once here it’s REALLY difficult to get out of and your only hope is to start the DR journey and allow the process to happen. Don’t get me wrong I don’t condone their actions BUT do understand that to a degree they are unable to escape the feelings the A gives them especially if it hasn’t been discovered.
You need to understand that your S is no longer the person you knew before AND that your MR will not be the same again EVER.
But that doesn’t mean with the right advice and work by BOTH of you when the limerence wears off (it has to by the way) you can’t go on and have an even better MR knowing where you both fell down previously and learn to dodge those issues.
Take care.
Mark.
GW,
You keep asking the same questions. You know what you need to do.
Don't try to figure out what she is thinjing and why she did it. She told you why the marriage is over work from that. I'm telling you from expierence that will drive you crazy.
Again, you and opportunity to take back some control. You have to be a man and dont worry about your wife feelings in this. Care for her, but don't get caught with she is going to hate you. If she dont have consquences to deal with, she is going to stay in her fog. Give her some reality to deal with. Thats what a husband and true friend does, be honest and give the people they love the reality of the situation. If you are thinking you are going to lose her. I would ask you this, is she yours now? If your answer is no, you have to honest with this answer. Then you know the next step.
You can shed light on this situation and do it oit of care for your M and W. Also, she will never respect you if you dont do nothing. A woman that don't respect will never be yours.
I have a question about boundaries -
I have a plan to set a couple but need input. She currently only has contact through Text, Facetime, and Calls. Due to our remote location, she cannot get service for a call unless she goes up the road about a half mile. So in house she is texting whne im home, and from what i have seen in her call logs and heard from the kids, Facetiming from the house via wifi
She is afraid that i will turn her OM in for what he is doing- Should i use this as leverage for the boundaries?
If you text or facetime while in the home around the children then i will X
If you use money that you earn that should come into the home to buy him trinkets to ship to him then X? Any thoughts? I actually caught on to and defeated an attempt at manipulation yesterday. Her tactics are becoming very obvious to me now.
All along i should have caught on, I have worked in law enforcement for 21 years now and i am a trained investiogator, however all of this seemed to make me blank out, or forget some of my training until just now. I am in the process now of detaching,only answering things related to bills and the kids. I do need some advice on detachment while living in the same home with children.
Don't use that information as leverage. You will only push her further underground with her communications with him. You threatening her won't get her back or to stop talking to the OM.
If you use that as a threat she will call your bluff. So you are going to have to pull the trigger either way. Tell her what she cant do is not setting a boundary.
A boundary is, her doing something to you that violates you.
The only way to have a chance to get your wife back is get your respect and act like the man you are.
She will feel your hesitation. And she will see your reluctance. IMO you are trying not to make her hate or mad at you. No matter what you do, she will have anger towards you.
so what do i do Joe? her contacting him violates me IMO
She doesnt yell, she doesnt start arguments, so what type of bouindary do i set? I cant tolerate her doing this in the house. She wont leave, so what are my options? I am detaching, i am keeping communication to the kids and finances, bills. What boundary do i set? Im new at this so i have no idea. I have ceased all efforts to try and win her back because thats weak and fruitless right now.
Do you pay her cell phone bill or for the internet? If so you can stop paying her cell phone bill. But if you need the internet that won't help. You can't force her to stop talking to him, she has to wont to do that on her own. But you have an opportunity to shed light on the situation. You have an out here. You are afraid to use it. Make her deal with the consquences.
But you cant force her to stop talking to him. And telling her to stop talking to him is not setting a boundary for yourself. It's you trying to control. You are detaching, you cant control another person.
GW,
As you can see Joe is also new to DB and is learning on the fly.
Setting boundaries are about what you are willing and unwilling to tolerate. (protecting you)
The key word is you. You can't control another person (your wife). You can't say to your W "you can't speak to the om on the phone". She is an adult so she can do as she pleases.
However, you can say "W you can contact OM while in the house if you would like, but if you continue to disrespect me and our marriage in our marital home, I will ....................
You have to fill in the blank with the consequences. There has to be consequences to a broken boundary and if broken they have to be implemented.
******* BIG NOTE******** DO NOT set a boundary unless you are willing to go through with the consequences if broken because it will just make you look weak and make matters worse.
GW and LH,
What consequence will he set by telling her if she disrespect the home and marriage by talking to him? Take her phone away? Kick her out? She doesnt have to leave.
Boundaries must be logical. And setting a boundary t
Like that wont be logical.
Something you can do is give a stern choice.
"You have two options, stop talking to him and stay or continue talking to him and move out."
You gave her options? It's her decision to choose.
In this scenario, she will see that you are starting to say bye.
LH is right that I'm new.
I also will tell you that using these techniques take time to understand, you will be good.
It's your decision and we are here to support.
I'm just so frustrated right now. This entire A is over a phone. Physical contact twice in 7 months, and she professes love for him and wants a life with him. I have no consequences she can face . She will not leave thehome without the kids, and i wont let her take them where ever she pleases. She cannot go to him, so here we are. I can file for D, but that takes time here, and truly, I dont want to file, i want to keep my family intact and get my wife back from basically her phone..... Detachment and 180 is a start but i cant help but feel i need to do more. I feel like a dog chasing its tail. I can drop the bomb on OM but it will cause serious issues between her and I and i have kids in the middle to worry about. I know shes manipulating the sitch right now regarding him being turned in. My son heard OM tell my wife Sunday on facetime to do something to stop me from truning him in. She tried yesterday by saying she would never R or even attempt to work on us if i did because he is innocent in all this, and because i tried hard when we first separated to convince her to come back and told her how much i loved her. This may or may not be a bluff, who knows. Gut says its a bluff to get me to take the heat off. Im Just confused about it all. Be so much easier if OM wasactually here where she could easily run to him. But this phone crap is a mess. I dont know where to start. She is nice as hell to me as long as i dont bring up anything about the A. Talks to me just like it was 9 months ago and this never happened.
Sandi/ Lim, I need some sage advice Please!
I have came a long way since BD and now ive back slid a mile.
Today is just a real shitty day, thats all. Heres what today feels like to me-
Stuck in a cage just big enough to fit in. People walking by poking you with sharp sticks and laughing. All you can do is growl fiercely and bang against the cage. they keep poking because they know that no matter how loud you growl and strain against the cage, you cant get to them so they are safe.
that's how today feels..........
She is nice as hell to me as long as i dont bring up anything about the A. Talks to me just like it was 9 months ago and this never happened.
Of course she is because she is having her cake and eating too. She has her family life and her fantasy affair over the phone.
What can you do to change the dynamic of the situation?
Are you living in the same house? I will go and read your sitch in full, but if you are in the same house and with the little I have read about how you're feeling, I am going to recommend that you TxHubby your sitch.
I will find TxHubby's thread and post a link here. But, I think you might be a good candidate for how TxHubby handled his DBing.
Good one, Maika. I was going to recommend TxHubby too.
GW, you can only control yourself here.
Go ahead and tell on OM. What is your W honestly going to do keep sleeping with him? Your basically afraid at this point of your W not being nice to you. She sleeps around, giving her heart to OM and you get the friend zone treatment. Thinking like this this will have you in limbo forever.
Get thus sitch in check immediately before the disrespect gets too bad. I tried to be nice and afraid of making things worse. And it got worse. My W moves ouy a m onth ago and things maybe moving to divorce. But at least I got my balls back.
GW,
The advice I'm giving is not to try and ruin your marriage.
I know all you want to do is get your wife back. All you want is for uour wife is to love you again. All you want is another chance to show your wife that you can be the man she needs. You want the woman you married to act like herself. All you want is for her to see that you are the man for her and not the OM. And going to the OM is such a big mistake.
Let me ask you this, if someone who of told you not to marry your wife, what would you have said? No I love this woman. You would have needed proof to believe she werent the one for you.
Well thats where you wife mind is. She believes that this OM is the one for her. It's her belief.
You have this pain in your heart. Your stomach churns. All you do all day is think, read, blog and try to come up with that one solution or multiple things that Will win your wife back.
You can't eat, sleep or concentrate. You want one thing and only one your wife back.
We have all felt these same feeling Ms. On this forum.
Your job now is to show her that your or the man for her. The only way to do that, is not take her manipulation and crap. This woman is Not Your wife and you have to look at her that way to help out of this fog and save her from this dangerous relation. You wont be able to control her out of it.
This OM is controlling your wife and telling her to control you. Stop them both and take control of them both. YOU HOLD THE TRUMP CARD IN THIS SITUATION. You have all the control and they both are scared.
If your wife leave you because you reported him, you think she wont leave if you don't?
Ive been reading your posts and think that 180, detachment, and GAL is the way to go ,
Yes, I hope you will.
She has this narrative she sticks to about emotionally separating from me before talking to OM, which i dont buy.
Maybe she felt emotionally empty and is now calling it "emotionally separated".........but it is her way of justifying her affair. As much as she wants to make excuses for herself, and wants
you to take responsibility for her decision to have an A.........you are to
never own it. No matter how much you think doing so would make it easier to reconcile later.......it just leaves you with an unremorseful WW. It's very important that a wayward W takes responsibility for her own decisions, b/c it helps pave the way to feelings of remorse. As long as she blames you....she is not remorseful.
She will accuse you and rewrite history. And now that you have reported OM........she says she hates you, b/c she is furious, so buckle up and put on your helmet.
She told me that all the fighting for us and asking for chances was pushing her farther away. Today she told me that all the effort i attempted to put in to save us actually drove her way past the point of working on us. She forgets that i saw her texts to OM before the Separation telling him she wanted a life with him and not me .
You were putting effort in the wrong ways and it causes a man to be unattractive to his W.........especially a wayward one. Women are attracted to a man with b@lls. If he loses his b@lls, she loses the attraction.
Are you living In-house separation? If so, why? So she can rub it in your face? So far, I only know of one reported case where in-house was successful, and that happened for one reason. The guy finally got his b@lls back and was completely ready to dump her, and that quickly motivated her to get her act together. She knows he means what he says, and she is walking the straight & narrow, so far. Women can tell when you are dumping them.....and when you are faking it. So be legit. There are many testimonials
from men who say in-house separation is soul crushing. I believe it is b/c she can continue having her A and pretty much anything else she wants to do. If you say something, she'll scream that you are S, and yet.......she gets full benefits of being in the M.
This A is strange to me because they have seen each other physically 2 times.
Many H's focus importance on the physical side to an affair. But emotional affairs are extremely powerful......especially for women. The OM feeds her emotional needs, while you take care of her physically. I've seen women leave their M to fly across the country to be with a guy they have never met in person! So, the fact they have had only two times for sex, does not delute the damage A's can do.
If you will read my threads on the WW, it will save me from repeating myself......plus I took more time to break it down in those threads than I can do in a couple of posts. In the meantime remember this.........a WW wants it all. The nice home, nice benefits, the kids, H to take care of her......plus the thrill of her affair. Go read my threads on the WW mindset, and maybe you will see why you are confused.
Sandi,
yes, it is an in house separation. She originally rented an apartment and I ended up living in it due to the children. My son has aspbergers autism and is very active, and the small apartment restricted his movements and was not good for him. I moved back into our house because she could not afford to pay the payment and keep up with the bills. She did not think out any of this before hand and was acting on impulse and guidance from the OM. He told her to get me out of the picture because i was hindering communication. He manipulates the hell out of her, and she doesnt realize it. My son heard them facetiming the other day while i was at work and OM told my wife to do what ever she could to stop me from turning him in. I feel like it is the right thing to do, regardless of her threat to hate me forever. Her threats now mean nothing because she had stated a month ago she wanted a life with him and not me anyway, so what difference does it make if she hates me now? Obviously she isnt fond of me or there would be no A. She continuously runs hot and cold, she gets angry as hell when the affair is brought up, and is happy as a lark when there is no0 mention of it. She acts as if this all has nver happened, like it was last year. The only fear i have is the fear that she will not respond to detachment, GAL, and 180 if she knows i turn him in. That will either be her loss to bring her out of the fog or drive her farther in. Her job is being impacted by her actions, and the weirdest thing of all that i have seen is a change in her facial features over the last 6 months. I have photos of her from each month and it is very distinguishable. Not that it has any bearing , it just fits thats she's become someone i dont know.
Hi gw5263,
Please read Sandi’s thread on WW it’s a real eye opener.
I’m responding here as your situation interests me and my original post. The situation you find yourself in IMHO is classical limerence and I’m afraid you need to understand where this is going.
Again take it or leave it BUT limerence is real and I continue to see its effect throughout these boards.
Limerence basically has three stages –
1. Infatuation – the WS is under the spell of his/her AP, they literally can’t help themselves.
2. Crystallisation – the phase that starts the bonding period and where god himself is the enemy IF he were to get in their way. DON’T GET IN THEIR WAY.
3. Deterioration – the phase where cracks start to appear. < Should give you hope…
There is scientific evidence about this, I’m sure if you look at the above you could guess where your WW is in the cycle.
What I worry about in your posts is that you’re concentrating too much on what your WW is doing, this isn’t helping you. She/they can’t be controlled the process has to happen BUT you can escalate the timeframe…
Drop her, let her go work on you and your children if you have any. In-house separation wow how hard is that! Once I found out about my WW A I asked her to move out of the FH, she blatantly refused and the atmosphere for my kids and I was EXTREMELY TOXIC, I had no choice but to move out which I did within a month of BD and to be honest if she were not to move out this is the best alternative for my own sanity. I’m always given 2x4’s here about that but had to protect the kids and I mentally.
You need to detach, I’m sorry if you’ve heard it before but it’s so important. Going dark and allowing the process to happen whilst going out and enjoying the time she’s giving you will help tremendously, use the gift you’ve been given.
Forget about her it’s hard I know and almost impossible whilst in the same house but this will help you to better manage the situation and keep away from their madness. Let them suffer, it won’t seem it initially but with time and patience she may come to realise the grass isn’t any greener.
Live in hope.
Mark.
So sorry for what you are going through. You are getting great advice from Sandi, Parkema and Joejoe1. Dont try to trivialise the EA. Detach, go to the gym, clear your mind and GAL. There is nothing that makes a woman panic than to see the H happy and seem to be doing well without her. She seems to be testing your temperature and trying to be nice for a reason.
can you explain the temp test for me? she is nasty if i bring up the A but if i just go on about normal business shes nice as hell, like it never happened. the fear i have with exposing the OM is that it might wreck everything for good. Any thoughts on this issue?
GW,
A temp test is when your WS, test you to see if you are still bought into staying in the marriage.
She might offer you sex, hug, kiss, to see if you except the bait. This does two things for them, it lets them know where are at and keeps you in limbo if you except. If you don't she will throw bread crumbs are move dither away and see what you do.
Your wife is not temp testing. She is avoiding. Temp testing happens when the WS senses a change and distance starting to form from the LBS.
"Turning the OM might wreck everything good", is what you said. What is good about your Sitch? I don't see any good.
Once you let good of the need to try and control this Sitch, you will turn him in. You are too worried about your wife feelings.
This process will take time and I mean a lot of time. If you look at any Sitch on this forum, people have been dealing with their Sitch for many months and years.
TXHubby dealt with his for 3 years before he got fed up.
The faster you turn him in the faster you can move on to the next phase, it's going to get harder before it gets easier. There are no easy answers here. Your strength, faith and patience are going to be tested.
Buckle up for a long painful ride. Be strong and stand firm.
gw5263
Can you explain the temp test for me? She is nasty if I bring up the A but if I just go on about normal business she’s nice as hell, like it never happened. The fear I have with exposing the OM is that it might wreck everything for good. Any thoughts on this issue?
Your fear is irrelevant here as you can’t control any of this ^^^^^. Exposing the A to whoever (I will assume his W) can lead to all sorts of outcomes one being hatred to you from your WW but also possibly the AP seeing the very real possibility of him losing his W, he could try and save his MR leaving your WW out in the cold! This often happens with WH but is not a given.
If you read Sandi’s post you’ll see that at the moment your WW doesn’t see you in a very good light anyway irrelevant if the MR was perfect! (PLEASE READ HER POSTS) so what have you got to lose…
WW’s will go out of their way to see if you can be a viable plan B, what I mean by this is that she will try to keep you hanging on the hook by being nice and remain interested in you just in case her A goes nowhere. The problem here is that there is no desire to try and RC whilst she knows there’s no repercussions of her actions, she will “play” you and her AP/LO for as long as she wants. See it this way –
You give her all the emotional/financial support and basically childcare she needs and she thanks you for it.
AP/LO is getting the rest, the cream if you will you know all the good things the intimacy, the sex the desire the excitement the list goes on and on.
You need to break the cycle and let him cater for all her needs except obviously anything to do with your children, this should be arranged between the pair of you through a visitation agreement of some kind.
Once he has to start treating her like this she could EVENTUALLY become a “new wife” in his eyes with the same kind of problems he has to cater for in his long term relationship. Does he want this? Until you stop her from seeing you as always being available and always being there you’ll never know.
Do you see where the DR principles come in here..?
It’s either you or him NOT a bit of both. Don’t do this to yourself.
Mark.
My son has aspbergers autism and is very active, and the small apartment restricted his movements and was not good for him. I moved back into our house because she could not afford to pay the payment and keep up with the bills. She did not think out any of this before hand and was acting on impulse and guidance from the OM. He told her to get me out of the picture because i was hindering communication. He manipulates the hell out of her, and she doesnt realize it. My son heard them facetiming the other day while i was at work and OM told my wife to do what ever she could to stop me from turning him in. I
Okay, so you are under the same roof. Is she currently employed outside of the home, and share in covering expenses? Does she do her share at home and with your son? I forgot to check the age of you child. Is he in school?
Let me get this straight, b/c I thought you had already reported OM. Now, as I read your latest post, you have not reported him......but you informed your WW what you were thinking of doing.......and, of course, she alerts OM. Is this correct. If not, please tell me.
It would be wonderful if she would get her eyes opened by OM wanting her to dump you so to save his own hide.......and then see how quickly he pulls away when his military career is threatened. If he can manipulate her, he may think he can do the same with you. He will work through your WW to manipulate your decision to report him. In the future, do not warn, or threaten, what you
may do if the A continues. Your threats will be ignored.
Her threats now mean nothing because she had stated a month ago she wanted a life with him and not me anyway, so what difference does it make if she hates me now? Obviously she isnt fond of me or there would be no A. She continuously runs hot and cold, she gets angry as hell when the affair is brought up, and is happy as a lark when there is no0 mention of it. She acts as if this all has nver happened, like it was last year
.
If you will read my WW threads, you will see how her current actions are nothing more than smoke & mirrors to give you the delusion she might reconsider if you just won't report her lover.
The only fear i have is the fear that she will not respond to detachment, GAL, and 180 if she knows i turn him in. That will either be her loss to bring her out of the fog or drive her farther in.
Let me see if I can give a short answer about her loss. The H can stop enabling her. He can stop rescuing her and fixing her problems. He can take away benefits he provided for her as his wife. He can take away his support. He can take himself out of her life. In many cases, the cumulation of things she loses .......and reality tearing down her fantasy.......will work together in turning her around in the right direction. But sometimes, it may be a loss that you would never think about, and/or have nothing to do with you. The important thing to understand here is that she has to clearly see for herself how the loss is the result of her actions.
And here is where it may get a little sticky for the H. His job is not to take revengeful actions or try to punish her........and calling it by another name. He has to make very tough decisions, and whatever he decides to do......should be done according to his belief system, his standards and principals...,,,,and his own self value. This should be confused with thinking he should act like a wimp, not standing up for himself, and not tolerate her disrespect, etc. He has to be a man of integrity, and who lives by his values. That often requires tough love. Currently, the emotions are raw and thoughts of what to do may be rampant. He cannot afford to operate from a state of emotions. He just can't, b/c emotions are fickle and they can't make smart decisions. His head makes the decisions, so he had better have something more solid to direct him at this stressful time.
I took sat under a Pastor who spoke about love, and was introduced to the topic of
impersonal love. As strange as that sounds, it gave me a blueprint for how to deal with loved ones who are not behaving very loving to you, and especially with a spouse. I learned that you have to mentally step back and let go of the emotion that wants to dictate how you should react to the other person. It doesn't remove your love for the other person, .......but it balances your emotionally flooded and confused brain to where you can operate in a much smarter, clearer, and safer state of mind. When you can behave and make decisions that are not based on fear, angry, jealousy, worry how she'll react, etc.........then you are taking control of only yourself and letting go of the drama, threats, and trying to control her. It's not about being cold, sullen, angry, etc. It is about mentally detaching from the emotionally charged situation so that you can act in a fashion that speaks of confidence, self respect, integrity, maturity, and calmness. This is
lovingly detaching from the emotionally charged environment. And this, my friend, is attractive.
You need some serious alone time so that you can clear your head and get a plan of action. Think of what you need to do to protect yourself. Conduct yourself with dignity.
Could you get away for the weekend, to be
alone? Just tell her you have a lot to think about......and don't give her
any other details, b/c she
will ask questions. She has your number, in case of an emergency.
Please ask questions if you are confused about anything I've said.
can you explain the temp test for me? she is nasty if i bring up the A but if i just go on about normal business shes nice as hell, like it never happened. the fear i have with exposing the OM is that it might wreck everything for good. Any thoughts on this issue?
Not sure who or what you mean by "exposing" the OM. Have you read the DB books?
If you mean to expose the A to 3rd parties (as opposed to simply confronting your spouse)
then you are 1) taking a huge chance of it backfiring.
I have seen it ruin/harm the chances of a recon. In the few m's that have survived the exposure - it was NOT because of the exposure, and surviving it is not the same as saying it helped.
and
2) not following the DB tenets.
As a former JAG Corps officer in the Army, I am not a big fan of civilians reporting soldiers for having A's with their spouses.
For one thing, it's often just not true. I've seen allegations tossed out by angry spouses who are divorcing. And commanders don't feel like spending a lot of resources investigating what is seen as mostly a domestic issue.
It is exceedingly rare for the military to press charges for A, without some other underlying problem like theft.
Usually the A would have to directly interfere with the soldier's job performance, in which case that is the military's focus, not the A itself.
The military view of an affair stems from fears of it interfering with the moral, welfare, and discipline of the unit.
(See Code of Military Justice, Article 34).
For instance with fraternization (officers with enlisted or senior enlisted with junior)
or, if the OM is having an A with another solider's wife, particularly one in his own unit or for whom he is the supervisor. Or with a married soldier in his unit. Or if he is an officer & is with the wife of an enlisted man, then that is the primary military focus.
Anyone remember Lietuenant Kelly the first female B-1 bomber pilot who had an A with the h of an enlisted women?
She got a General Discharge and that is effectively the same as an honorable one in terms of VA benefits, home loans, etc. A few jobs that require an honorable discharge might not hire her, but that's it.
And that was a VERY Public event and that was the reason it was pursued at all. (It irked me b/c I was a female officer, so thanks for making it harder for all of us, LT. kelly).
A President of the USA - (our former commander in chief) - suffered no criminal charges related to his A either. It's how it is now. The idea that an officer was necessarily a gentleman, obviously did not apply then.
For me, the real question is why would you do this? What is your goal in hurting his career? You think hurting his military career IF IT IS POSSIBLE, which I doubt, helps your see you in a better light?
How do you think that choice will be seen down the road by your w AND by others?
For all we know, he served in combat & helped saved lives. They may be leaders and yes, even though they had an A, they may lead soldiers who are willing to kill & die for them.
I just don't think the commanders are fazed by these types of claims, absent other factors herein included.
Plus, veterans get better pay in the civilian world & do not face deployments.Be careful what you wish for.
I am very sorry for your situation. But i think the DB tenets still apply.
Anyone remember Lietuenant Kelly the first female B-1 bomber pilot who had an A with the h of an enlisted women?
She got a General Discharge and that is effectively the same as an honorable one in terms of VA benefits, home loans, etc.
If she was a Lieutenant, then why did she get a General Discharge?
25YRSMLC........I don't think your reply was to me, but just in case anyone thinks I am in favor of reporting the OM, I am not. I was confused by some of the posts and thought he had already reported the OM.
There have been very few situations that I would suggest exposure, and this is not one of them.
I tend to post more to LBH newcomers, so I am not sure if exposure is more of the male thinking, or not. The men see OM as being the problem. Remove the problem and he gets his W back, right? But it does not remove the problem. The problem started before OM entered the picture.
I tend to post more to LBH newcomers, so I am not sure if exposure is more of the male thinking, or not. The men see OM as being the problem. Remove the problem and he gets his W back, right? But it does not remove the problem. The problem started before OM entered the picture.
I think most of us guys know that the OM is a symptom and not the root cause of the problem. But, it's nice to be able to deflect a lot of the anger and rage toward the OM rather than the loving wife.
I just figured it was a guy thing.
I think the mental movies of W with OM are the worst part.
I just figured it was a guy thing.
A guy thing is pissing off of a bridge so you can watch the pee hit the water below. Or farting in an elevator just before getting off the elevator. Or putting fake barf on the conference room table just before a big meeting.
I don't even picture OM with my W.....my mind thinks more about OM thinking he is going to raise my D's.
Sandi,
Speaking as a man. Even though I know the issues were there before OM came in the picture. But I realize that nothing we do will make a difference until OM is out of the picture. So yes finding ways to get rid of OM tends to become apart if the plan. Then when he gone we can proceed to win W back with our changes.
Speaking as a man. Even though I know the issues were there before OM came in the picture. But I realize that nothing we do will make a difference until OM is out of the picture. So yes finding ways to get rid of OM tends to become apart if the plan. Then when he gone we can proceed to win W back with our changes.
Tread,
Yeah bro!!! You're spot-on.
And you have to admit, despite societal norms, we all just want to kick the OM's @ss real good and then go have a beer.
Anyone remember Lietuenant Kelly the first female B-1 bomber pilot who had an A with the h of an enlisted women?
She got a General Discharge and that is effectively the same as an honorable one in terms of VA benefits, home loans, etc.
If she was a Lieutenant, then why did she get a General Discharge?
because she was not courtmartialed.
Anyone remember Lietuenant Kelly the first female B-1 bomber pilot who had an A with the h of an enlisted women?
She got a General Discharge and that is effectively the same as an honorable one in terms of VA benefits, home loans, etc.
If she was a Lieutenant, then why did she get a General Discharge?
because she was not courtmartialed.
25,
That was a doodlerism of the worst kind. You know the Lieutenant/General dichotomy. A Lieutenant should get a Lieutenant Discharge and a General should get a General Discharge.
Sorry. Flog me; I deserve it.
Shame on you for hijacking gw5263's thread. I'd never do such a thing.
25YRSMLC........I don't think your reply was to me,
Heck no, just a general comment about the military approach to adultery. To be clear, it's not as if it's admired. I think (or hope?) that when it comes to broken vows, the "good old boys" attitude is not as prevalent as some might think.
I did see some guys get dragged through the mud by their WAS's - only to have the spouses retract as soon as they realized the consequences would be felt by all, not just the soldier.
Also, solid marriages were often overtly supported and actually commented upon in officer evaluations for promotion. I have not seen that in the civilian world.
Elected officials definitely get away with more than the rest of us, but even so,
a lot of behaviors that used to end careers or ruin the reputations of most people, are just shrugged off more today.
There have been very few situations that I would suggest exposure, and this is not one of them.
I tend to post more to LBH newcomers, so I am not sure if exposure is more of the male thinking, or not. The men see OM as being the problem. Remove the problem and he gets his W back, right? But it does not remove the problem. The problem started before OM entered the picture.
Understood. ^^ To be fair, I think I can speak for you when I say "affairs inflict deep damage to marriages, regardless of what preceded them."
sorry doodler
you've lost me
sorry doodler
you've lost me
25,
Our time together was so brief, but I'll never forget you. It's probably for the best.
Sandi,
My son is 13 years old. Socially, he is about 7-8 years old, intellectualy about20+ at times... He is in school and is extrememly high functioning. Something that actually pisses me off is she had him come in her office yesterday ansd showed him gifts she bought OM and asked him not to tell me about them, which he did. She also had him delete her browser history on her work computer to hide her activities related to OM at work.
W works for the school system at the moment, unless they catch on that she has been using theschool to conduct her affair as well ( Having OM deliver gifts to her there, using the computer there to order him gifts)She has told her Principal a modified version of our sitch, however she now feels like the principal is , as she put it, "Harassing her " for no reason.
I have not turned him in yet, I am struggling hard with that decision. I had these ideas of different outcomes if i did. Based on your experiences, what effect would this have on my W in the current climate?
on one hand i see it as a tool, one that will move him out of the picture, and potentially force him to decide between a 30 year career and my W he has known for 6 months. To be honest with you, i also saw it as a tool of revenge for everything i have been throught during this ordeal. Payback if you will. He has been an active, willing participant in the destruction of my family, fully aware of the risks, and should face his own set of consequences.
My W sees any move i make against him is , as she put it, jeopardizing a future with him. She told me he is innocent in all this as she is the one who destroyed the family. he did nothing wrong and doesnt deserve it. he worked hard for his career. I worked hard for our family for 17 years. I am starting to have some clarity in that i seem to focus more on him than my situation at present. I do see benefit in reporting him, I see him as the root holding this all together , however i also feel my attention is misplaced on him. So Should I turn him in, or let it go and work on the sitch here on the home front and let life take care of him? I had this crazy thought when i first mentioned it that he would tuck tail and run, however this did not happen as i thought it might.
As far as getting away, I work an odd shift rotation, and actually have made plans with some co workers to do some things this weekend. I was even planning on going to the lake on my own if i had too, and just sit wan watch a movie to get out of the house and give her the impression i was out on the town having some fun for a change.
I wasnt palnning on using the A as the ain focus of turning him in. He is a Missile tech, senior enlisted, Chief in the Navy assigned to Trident subs. He has at least a top secret clearance due to the type of missiles he works with, which has been badly compromised by this affair. He has told my W details of his job that he should not have, which i have copies of. I intended to go after the clearance. He violated the regulations to retain it, and stands to lose it for good. It would hinder his career now and in the future when he pursues that high paying job with Boeing, martin marietta, or lockheed martin. I figured that was enough to shake him and make him decide. That and he'd feel like the drama was too much and piss off. He obviously is afraid of this outcome, very afraid. He has expressed this fear to my W multiple times. On BD, the first thing he told her was to beg me not to turn him in, not oh [censored] we are caught. I know the military is weak on adultery, but when teamed with the clearance i think it would have changed the game.
I went soi far as to put together a fie with all the relevant texts, photos, and call ogs. I contacted the Office of my congressman and gave them a rough outline. They agreed to help if i proceeded. so I wasted a lot of time and effort on this.
GW,
You are a great man and your wife has taken advantage of that to the fullest. She is bold in her statements. I really feel once you truly walk away she will def feel it. She hasn't have the chance to live without you and I can tell from the statements she is making.
IMHO, I really feel as though she would not make those statements if she felt like you were fed up and done. She knows what you wants. But once you take yourself away as an option, her statements and boldness will die. Once you longer respond and quill those statements she will wither. She is on a super high horse and you have placed her there trying to be the best husband you could be. This is going to sound harsh but she needs to be humbled. She is showing your son gifts she purchased the OM, you need to put you foot down and tell her to keep you son out of this. He shouldn't be a witness to this.
You have to protect him, it's your duty. I'm in the Army as well, but reading what 25 wrote, it makes me rethink the turning him especially if you are doing if for revenge. You have a tough decision on your hand with that one. But I know and from the sound of it, you are starting to get tired of it.
You deserve better! Period! Your deserve respect! Period! Please take some respect back, because she is walking all over you right now.
Something you might can do is pack up all of her things, put them in boxes and put them all in the garage. Take down all the pictures of you all and put those in boxes as well. Tell her she needs to go. Show her you are not playing. Take her computer and set it up in the garage if it can be setup out there and tell she can talk all she wants, but it won't be in this house.
your w's embroiling your son into the gifts she bought for OM and her request he hide this from you, in plain old lousy. $h1tty behavior. Period.
I wasnt palnning on using the A as the ain focus of turning him in. He is a Missile tech, senior enlisted, Chief in the Navy assigned to Trident subs.
I read everything below and it undermines this^^ statement. You did indeed assemble classified information to injure OM. The possible use for blackmail is not good for you, btw. It's one of the reasons gays and adulterers used to be denied clearances - fear of blackmail.
If you are saying "oh, but I"m not 'blackmailing" Om, I'm just hurting him under the guise of national security",
I don't buy that plus the assembling of said classified info is a problem for you.
You're human and allowed to get angry. But don't kid yourself about your motivations.
He has at least a top secret clearance due to the type of missiles he works with, which has been badly compromised by this affair. He has told my W details of his job that he should not have, which i have copies of.
do you see the problem ^^^^here???
I intended to go after the clearance. He violated the regulations to retain it, and stands to lose it for good. It would hinder his career now and in the future when he pursues that high paying job with Boeing, martin marietta, or lockheed martin. I figured that was enough to shake him and make him decide.
if you are threatening him with the "stop OR ELSE" that is blackmail/extortion. And if it's to punish him after the fact, at least admit it.
You should see a lawyer about the information you are keeping, btw.
- I know the military is weak on adultery, but when teamed with the clearance i think it would have changed the game.
do you see what you are saying here? Your goal
I went soi far as to put together a fie with all the relevant texts, photos, and call ogs. I [b]contacted the Office of my congressman and gave them a rough outline. They agreed to help if i proceeded. so I wasted a lot of time and effort on this[/b].
wow, you went way farther than anyone around. You have not thought this out.
1) you think the Congressman's office it going to "help you" you are sorely mistaken.
IF they do anything it'll be for their own political ends and nothing else.
2) And your identity will be exposed.
3) If you are claiming some sort of whistle blower status it won't take long for OM"s lawyer to show the real motivation on your part. Motivation goes to credibility.
It's not as if what you sent to the congressmen is protected information -
4) I really think you need to see a Lawyer and stop telling people.
W works for the school system at the moment, unless they catch on that she has been using theschool to conduct her affair as well ( Having OM deliver gifts to her there, using the computer there to order him gifts)
Wait...is she having sex at the school or are you referring to the possibility that she ordered something for OM from her work computer? And you think this^^^ will get her fired? (I don't.)
Please STOP and think for a second. You are letting your anger spiral and the urge to
DO SOMETHING is taking over you.
If your w ordered a gift for you last Christmas you would never dream of that being a problem. No you would not. You need to take a breath.
But even if I did think it would somehow hurt her job, what are you doing?? What is your goal with that? There are no scarlet letters. I'm not being a jerk, i get the anger you feel.
All LBS hurt. We are human. And we want our spouses to know and understand our pain. But too often we think the way to do that is to inflict pain on them.
That is not the path of honor and strength. And it's so not effective to foster a reconciliation.
How does harming her career help you? (Down the road, if she wins the lottery, will that take food off your table?)
Do you see my point? It feels like a contest, I know. But it's not. Even if it were, all you really control is your end.
Be the better choice, Not the only one employed.
Be well, heal, lead a happy life. That is so much more likely to elicit her second guessing herself that you harming her or OM's jobs.
She has told her Principal a modified version of our sitch, however she now feels like the principal is , as she put it, "Harassing her " for no reason.
I have not turned him in yet, I am struggling hard with that decision. I had these ideas of different outcomes if i did. Based on your experiences, what effect would this have on my W in the current climate?
I noticed you asked Sandi but I'll give you some free advice you are free to ignore.
Harming the career of your W or her AP will create more hurdles for any reconciliation.
. Have you read the DB books??
Your approach is not in them.
It's like you are fueling her negative images of you and the marriage, and you are giving her more reason to flee.
Right into OM"s arms.
I am not into blaming the LBS for affairs. That is on her I'm with you there..
But you are responsible for how you behave now.
on one hand i see it as a tool, one that will move him out of the picture, and potentially force him to decide between a 30 year career and my W he has known for 6 months. To be honest with you, i also saw it as a tool of revenge
I don't think anyone doubts this^^^is for revenge.
for everything i have been throught during this ordeal. Payback if you will. He has been an active, willing participant in the destruction of my family, fully aware of the risks, and should face his own set of consequences.
May DB coach told me this ---- thing is, [b]it's Not your job to punish them. It's not your job to "teach them a lesson".
Life does that.
Where is your GAL focus? How are you doing any detaching?
All I see is you reacting and spending your energy on how to punish OM or her or strategize about hurting them even at your own legal peril .
[/b]
-. I am starting to have some clarity in that i seem to focus more on him than my situation at present.
Life is made up of a finite amount of time/energy
How much of this ^^^^do you want to spend on this?
Don' live a life motivated by anger and pain. It's no way to live.
I do see benefit in reporting him, I see him as the root holding this all together ,
did you see Sandi's comments about how LBH's feel this way ^^
and miss the main point?
To paraphrase her, OM is not the root holding all this together. Your focus is misplaced.
.
however i also feel my attention is misplaced on him. So Should I turn him in, or let it go and work on the sitch here on the home front and let life take care of him? I had this crazy thought when i first mentioned it that he would tuck tail and run, however this did not happen as i thought it might.
What if you focused on yourself and your life and your son, instead of letting the desire for revenge take over your life?
- I was even planning on going to the lake on my own if i had too, and just sit wan watch a movie to get out of the house and give her the impression i was out on the town having some fun for a change.
what if you did have fun for real? I think the more you GAL (true GAL) the more peace you will find and the less spinning.
You cannot spin the way you have been. It's not good for you OR for your son.
Model for your son how a man of strength and honor copes with heartbreak by recovering and moving forward, living his life well.
IF & when your w wants to re-enter the m, cross that bridge when you get to it.
Here is an exercise my T gave me long ago, which may help you.
Imagine just for 3 minutes, that your had gotten sick and passed away. Imagine that enough time had passed that you and your son had started to heal and filled in the gaps her loss had created.
Imagine that you missed her but that you were happy, anyhow.
What would that mean? Would you move or travel more? Where?
Would you take up a hobby? Take any classes or learn a new language?
What about a musical instrument? Any new things you and your son might do? A car restoration or repair? Home projects you enjoy? An art form??
Would you change careers or your shift work, and if so, to what? How about new athletics or you joining or coaching a team?
Would you do any type of work out exercise that you have not made time for yet?
What about volunteering somewhere?
Would you begin to attend church or go to a new one, or join an outreach program of theirs?
What would you be doing if your w was out of your life, but you were happy, anyhow?
Of these ^^ things,
which can you do, now?
I get it . I understand it all now. I have been going in the complete wrong direction one hundred miles an hour. I am destroying the file and letting go. This road that i was on is a dangerous road filled with tit for tat. If i did turn him in it would serve no good purpose at all other than to satisfy a need for revenge. I read a quote today that when one begins down the path of revenge, one should dig two graves. It stuck with me. Revenge kills the soul and mine has been through enough. All it does is bring other issues like false DV claims, which im sure are in the works. I need to let go and float on down the river. Life is too short to worry about who [censored] you over and why. Time to cool down, get adjusted, and move forward. You are entirely correct in everything you say 25. Thank you for helping to open my eyes. My son actualy told me tonight that he overheard them last night and OM told my wife he had a plan to get the evidence if i kept up. So i can only assume it's a false DV charge to get me out of the house so they can get the evidence. I will make it a point to destroy it. Time to move forward.
You would be a fool to destroy the evidence. At least keep it around for leverage. Especially knowing that she is willing to lie on you. If she tries to destroy you, then she runs the risk in you ruining the career of OM.
You would be a fool to destroy the evidence.
Sorry to belabor the point but I think it's illegal for him to have it, or to keep it, or to threaten to use it. It's blackmail with classified material; it's not a photo of adultery in a state that has it as grounds for divorce.
PLEASE Seek legal counsel that is familiar with this (not all L's are) and be totally upfront and honest about your behavior and motivations.
At least keep it around for leverage.
FTR, and with all due respect to Tread (whom I usually agree with)
I totally disagree with this^^ approach in this situation. And There is nothing in DBing that suggests it, either.
Especially knowing that she is willing to lie on you. If she tries to destroy you, then she runs the risk in you ruining the career of OM.
How is she trying to "destroy" him? She wants a divorce, not an execution. Yes she lied, but that is not a rare thing here.
I get it, he's very hurt. (No offense, but Join the club). We all are very hurt, and we have all been betrayed in some form.
But we do control OUR behavior. We don't have to spiral.
When we pursue revenge, which this absolutely is, we are not coming from a place of strength. And it's not attractive and I have never seen this type of action help the situation. Never.
PS
this affair your w is having is not very advanced time wise. I actually think it might have fizzled out by now or soon. 6 months is one standard, 18 months another. The types vary on whether it's not the first A for one of the AP's (as is the case with the OM if your info is accurate)
or a new first time ever, A, which tend to last longer. But they also tend Not to end in marriage, or marriages that last.
Except you are pushing things in a way that I don't get. Sandi advised you NOT to pursue the revenge course or to expose, (*you already confronted your w, so additional details about the A are irrelevant unless you want to use adultery as grounds for divorce. If there is no financial advantage, then why? Also what do you think is best for your son? He has a T, right? )
Sandi gave you advice about getting back the respect that a marriage needs,
so I'm confused about what you want. There is none of this "ruin OM's career" advice in DB and in fact, MWD opposes it.
Maybe some LBS will urge you on to the path of revenge. As sandi says, men tend to think they MUST FIX something. Not inside them, but in others.
I asked you before and I will one more time. What is your GAL and detachment approach?
How are you showing her the catch you are?
Be a husband only a fool would leave.
Instead you are driving yourself crazy with threats and obsessing. OM sure gets a lot of free rental space in your head.
Back off and take a breath. Be a good dad, and dig a lot deeper into what your w said.
I am not blaming you for her choices.
But it's rare that this happens in a vacuum. I don't know your w, but women tend to have A's for emotional reasons, not physical.
You are saying that her complaint was that you "neglected her for a few weeks" and that was why she wanted to leave the m?
Can you dig deeper? It's hard, I know. The real journey in life is an inward one and it's brave U& painful as he11 to do.
What would SHE say the problems were if she were here now?
What can you work on, in you? When the OM eventually falters, and he will - how are you going to look like the better choice?
Would she feel that you are going to hold this over her head forever, like the sword of Damocles?
And throw it in her face when you are angry? Or expect that she must abide by all your wishes b/c after all, you are owed now?
Might she fear you have made the A so public (revenge) that she cannot find her way back to you even if she wanted to...?
Be the better choice. Be a man only a fool would leave.
Till then you are spinning and I think it's dangerous to your m and to you.
Maybe stop taking polls and look inward.
When you have done your own personal best, and you really know it down deep,
then turn your marriage over to God, hold your head high and go in peace.
I agree. It is not classified information , just some info about some job details. You are absolutley correct. I have expended an enormous amount of energy dwelling on him. Energy i could have spent working on my self. I know i was running down the wrong rabbit hole and i regret it. From tomorrow onward I will begin detachment and working on self. She needs to see what she is giving up to this individual. I hope i have not done too much damage and can correct the course this is on.
As far as they way i would like to go, I would like to begin doing the things i need to do , as told by you and Sandi, to get this back on track and save the M if it is not too late. I just hope i haven't done too much irreversible damage.
The Affair is the first for the W, so I have no idea how long it could last. The way she is talking, it is forever and she loves him, he is her soulmate.
I'll attempt to begin the detachment process tomorrow, and make some strides toward GAL. i was spiralling bad and need to stop before impact.
I've made a boatload of mistakes during this period, and i want badly to turn it around. I will follow all the advice given by you, and read and re read Sandi's posts as well as the info Cadet sent when i first came on. I can do this.....
Tell your S to avoid listening and telling you about your W and the OM. Tell him it hurts you so much and if you are not told it won't hurt you so much.
My mother had a policy, she would say that when people talk abt me and I don't know it doesn't affect me BUT when you come to tell me you are now the one causing my pain.
Try to GAL and stop focus g on them. Focus on yourself and detach. Move her stuff to the garage and tell her she needs to behave and not involve your S in her affairs. She needs to grow up and show some respect.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I just figured it was a guy thing.
A guy thing is pissing off of a bridge so you can watch the pee hit the water below. Or farting in an elevator just before getting off the elevator. Or putting fake barf on the conference room table just before a big meeting.
My point exactly!
Sandi,
I've had some time to sit and digest everything thats been said and the advice i have been given. I know i have gone about this in all the wrong ways. Like i said, i hope its not to late to turn it around. I understand what you and 25 have told me. I know what i need to begin doing now.
It just seems like an insurmountable obstacle right now, because she refuses to end the affair, says she loves him, and wants to have a life with him because he is providing all the emotional needs she was not getting from me. During the course of finding out, I have made significant changes, which are lasting. I now need to start doing as you have advised.
I have looked at my behavior and the factors i have contributed to this mess. I had an issue with drinking, and i did not meet her emotional and physical needs for a time. She never told me there was an issue until i discovered the A. I began that day to make changes for the good, and have kept them up. I did go through a lot of the begging and pleading phases , i was an up to this point the weak guy you described. I got caught up obsessing about the OM, and decided he was the problem, the reason i couldnt get through to her.
I see now i ws wrong. I was the reason i couldnt get through to her, because i was actually pushing her farther and farther away. I became obsessed with details, i needed all the info i could find. I didnt know what i was doing. I made EVERY mistake you said not to in your threads. I drove her farther away. Now i have to regain what little ground i had and try to press on. I appreciate all the advice from all of you, and plan to put it in practice ASAP. If you have any further advice please help me out. I am a willing and ready to listen pupil......
P.S. to previous post, one has to understand Doodler's sense of humor......to appreciate it, which leaves me quite concerned about myself.
Sorry, I had a very late night....or very early morning, not sure which. I will strive to behave myself and get back to serious business at hand.
******************************************************************
Sandi,
Speaking as a man. Even though I know the issues were there before OM came in the picture. But I realize that nothing we do will make a difference until OM is out of the picture. So yes finding ways to get rid of OM tends to become apart if the plan. Then when he gone we can proceed to win W back with our changes.
Tread, I understand what you are saying. I really do. Maybe my daughter could have reported her H's infidelity to the military, especially since she was pregnant, but it would not have changed the thing that made him cheat. He was a serial cheater.
I think here the focus shldnt not be about getting rid of the OM because that isn't the problem. The issue is your wife s weakness and her cheating. This is not to blame the cheating on your shortcomings but having unmet needs is one of the reason. When you say once that you are willing to work on needs and tell her you are willing to forgive snd work on your marriage she can think abt it and you detach. when she feels like she is loosing you and she still loves you that may force her to wake up and choose. If they feel like you are going to be waiting around and taking her bs she can continue with both the other man and you
GW,
Two people have given you advice to move her stuff to the garage. You have not commented on that. You have to take some action. GAPing, 180s, detaching is all for you. These things are not to win your spouse back. These techniques do stop her from being pushed further away.
If you are doing 180s, GALing, and detaching and using those to get your wife back it won't work. You have to do them for you.
Moving her stuff to the garage is IMO something you can do as a boundary to protect you and your son. Dont do it out of hate, do it to protect you and your son.
There is nothing of hers to move to the garage..... She has clothes and shoes in the house. Everything else in the house is family items. She does not use a computer, she uses her Iphone. If i move her clothing and shoes to the garage that seems a bit much. We still have a large amount of things, hers and mine, and the kids have stuff in there as well, in boxes in the garage that were in a storage unit and moved here after we got the house. She pays for her phone plan so thats not an option.
GW,
You can move her clothes and shoes she does have in the house to the garage. You said in an earlier post that she does work from home and was in the computer room with your son and showed him a gift for the OM. Is that not the case.
What can you do to get your respect back? What can you do that lets her know that you are not ok with her actions, that's not mean but provide some boundaries?
GW,
Move those few items to the garage. Looking at them only messes with yiur mind in occasion. Upon moving my W stuff out of the bedroom made me feel better. It seemed if every outfit had a memory attached.
There is nothing of hers to move to the garage..... She has clothes and shoes in the house. Everything else in the house is family items. She does not use a computer, she uses her Iphone. If i move her clothing and shoes to the garage that seems a bit much.
I don't get the urge to move her things to the garage. What is the living situation now?
We still have a large amount of things, hers and mine, and the kids have stuff in there as well, in boxes in the garage that were in a storage unit and moved here after we got the house. She pays for her phone plan so thats not an option.
GW
can you add in your signature block (profile?)
your ages, the length of marriage, your children's ages, etc.?
It really helps summarize as a reminder for us, so when we comment on threads we don't confuse various posters.
Thanks.
Joe Joe, She works for the school board at the middle school, not from home. We were separated for a month, but i moved back into the house becasue she could not pay any of the bills and was going broke. She does not get paid thru the summer, however she does get a lump sum check, which she blasted thru before the end of august. It is an in house Separation. We have two children, Daughter 14 and son 13. I am a 21 year Law Enforcement officer.
Some more background - Never had any issues in the M prior to this, We both were married prior to this marriage. Prior to this she nor i had been involved in any type of A. In fact, she was very anti A. She says that she got on facebook one night while upset and started talking to OM about our issues, and it went from there. He began to manipulate her and here we are.
My W is a middle school teacher......go figure
Teachers gone wild!
GW,
You have been leaving out a lot to this story. "You moved out and moved back in to help her with bills". Why did you move out? And was you WW having an A before you moved or moved back in?
Something is not mAking since to me in this Sitch. You don't want to move her clothes out the bedroom. Why? You had info on OM and asked if you should turn him in? Now you have backed off of that.
I don't think you have had enough of her disrespect. You will oneday. I hope you take your respect back soon. Until you get fed up and demand respect for yourself, you will stay in limbo.
Joe, nothing has been left out. Back in earlier posts i explained why i moved out. Recap-Yes, she was having the A before any movement occured. It began in February, was discovered at theend of june, and i moved in July. She rented an apartment that was extremely small and planned on moving into it with the children. I have an autistic son who does not handle change well and roams constantly thru the house, he needs a lot of space. The kids were going thru enough at that point and i did not want any further disruptions in thier lives. I told W that i would go to the apartment so that the kids would not be uprooted. To answer an unasked question, in my state unless there is DV or abuse on the part of the mother, she is the primary caregiver for the children when separated ann until the divorce proceedings are complete with a custody order.
We are in separate bedrooms, so what is the need top move her clothes? And as far as turning the OM in, some of the other older member posters saw no good reason in doing it, and my main motivation, truthfullly, in addition to making him go away, was revenge. No good comes of revenge. All it would have done is complicate the sitch even more. I have had more than enough of her [censored], and disrespect, but i am not sure at this point what my options are other than to detach and GAL. She refuses to end the afair and will not go to georgia to be with OM without the kids, which is out of the question. I cannot put her out of the house because her name is on the deed, so i'm stuck. As much as i would love to,I cant take her phone, she pays the plan. I cant force her to stay in the house and not go outside to call him, cant stop her from texting himm at work, cant stop her from thinking about him. All i can do is as Sandi and 25MLC suggested and detach,GAL, and hope she responds to that. I dont talk about the A anymore or try to change her mind by telling her how much i love her, its a moot pint to her, she doesnt want to hear that. So i have no idea what boundaries i can set, or how to get any respect back other than to dso as ive been advised here. Im new to all this and have no idea what im doing. I am relying on all the experience and advice i get here. I really have to watch my step, because i am a 21 year veteran of law enforcement and cant afford any false Dv claims against me. So i have no idea what options i have. That's why im here, as so many others are.
GW,
She needs to see that you are done. You have to figure out how to start that process. Do you still wear your wedding ring. Take it off. Are there pictures of you and her up? Take them down. She must start to see you moving on. How can you get those thoughts going. You having been dealing with your Sitch longer than mines. I hate the move out idea, so pls don't do that. Do you watch the kids more than her? What do you do that affect her.
You mentioned you moved back in to help her, because she coukdnt afford it own her own. Do you buy groceries? What bill could you stop paying that wont affect your kids and yourself?
I'm just trying to get your thought process going. Sometimes its the things you never thought of doing that work.
the bills i pay are all household, electric, water, cable, etc. i pay no bill that affects her. she pays her phone plan. i dont watch the kids at all. they are at home with her or at school. I dont wear my ring, and the only pics we have up are family pics with the kids her and i in them. I have no plans on moving out, and niether does she unfortunatley. So its a weird sitch to say the least. All i can do is go out with friends on the days i dont work, other than that i sleep all day because i work nights.
GW,
I think someone else mentioned it but I think NC and going dark could work for you, but doing it in house is hard as heck. TXHubby did it and I woukd advise to read his situation. He basically ghost his wife while they were in the home together.
GW.....I think u take the advice from Sandi/25 and roll with it. I am not in your sitch but it doesn't sound like there is much you can do other than continue to work on yourself. I found comfort in reading up on other people's sitch's that were similiar to mine. LH is like my mentor on this board and his sitch I have found comfort in although I don't think him and his W ever separated. He has young kids sounds like his W and mine experienced the same type of feelings.
I would suggest you read up...find other people that dealt with in-house sep, try to draw strength from their experiences and how they handled. TBH...it has helped me get to where I am now. I still draw comfort in it to this day. Just know that many people have gone through and are going through what you are experiencing.
Stay stong my friend!
So i spent some time this morning going thru treads posts. His sitch is almost a mirror image. I cannot fo rthe life of me tink of any boundaries to set at the moment. Does any one have any suggestions?
GW,
The first you set is with your son. Her bringing your son into this is very unhealthy. Tell he to keep you son out of this period. Just tell her just like that. Keep our son out of this situation. Its very unhealthy and disrespectful to be bringing him into this like you have.
Shes already been told about that and trying to brainwash my daughter into thinking this is just fine. My daughter looks up to her, always has. Right now she has no opinion other thatn she thinks i took it to far by wanting to bust OM.... Where did that come from? Mom
I have begun the detachment process today. I sat back for a good time period last night and replayed the last year in my mind. My contributing factors to this sitch were this - I was drinking nightly, and had no intamacy whatsoever for about a month and a half. Her chief complaint was there was no affection shown, no sex, and she felt like i was cheating. BY taking a hard look back, she was right. There was no affcetion shown, i blew her off when she wanted to have sex, and i acted as if i could care less. I created an atmosphere that made conditions ripe for what happened to occur.
I accept and own my contributing factors. It was not my fault she chose not to tell me there was an issue, and it was not my fault she chose to pursue an A. I can honestly say that I made conditions ripe. I own it. I have made several significant changes since then. I have been to IC, I quit drinking, go to AA. My drinking binge was spurred by what has now been diagnosed as PTSD due to events and experiences i have had in 21 years of law enforcement. I am a much nicer person to be around, I have lost 52 pounds, however, i made the most common mistakes LBS make - I begged, i pleaded, i tried to reason, tried to use logic to persuade her, not knowing i was driving her farther and farther towards OM. She says they started talking as friends and it escalated to the point where she " Fell in love with him" and has no desire to cheat on him by working on us. I made the mistake of threatening to turn him in thinking it would make him go away. Sandi Was right, he's not the problem, she is. I need to put all the craziness and spiralling away and focus on what ive been given here.
I cant control her, as bad as i want to. I cant make her dump him, not contact him, or think of him. All i can do is work to ensure that i am the better choice, and shed be a fool to throw me away for him. I may be niaeve, but i actually think its better that this is a distance A because she can see day by day what im becoming without the distraction of the OM being within arms reach. Eventually one or the other of them will tire of the distance relationship and pack it in. My money is on him, because hes a guy, and i know i wouldnt be satisfied with seeing "my love" every two or three months for a day. Id need and desire a mate nearby that i could interact with. He may already have one. I hope he does and she wins his heaart so i can have mine back. But I cant live on hope. I have to act, and act decisively as so many have advised. It begins now, the right way.
My only question is this- since basically this boils down to emotional neglect on my part, what modifications, if any should i employ? At the moment there is absolutely no physical aspect to our M at all, because in her foggy mind that would be " cheating on my soulmate". I dont want her to feel as if i am still that neglectful guy, but i also dont want to be the clingy pursuing guy i was yesterday and all the days since BD.
GW,
Your sitch sounds way too similar to my own. The only difference is that my W thought she could simply have sex with OM and leave it at that. My W is very emotional, so naturally she allowed herself to make it more by wanting to get more about him afterwards. Even though this guy is married with 3 children and her sisters 1st cousin.
I made every mistake you made before I discovered DB. And as long as I was willing to ignore everything going on with W and OM she was cool being around me and cake eating. W even wanted to have sex with me. But the moment I refused to tolerate that disrespect, W would get nasty and even hit me at times over this guy.
W moving out last month was painful, but I simply got tired of the constant disrespect. But it gotten a little better. It's tough when S13 is gone for several days, even though he has been with me most of the time. But the house gets lonely with it being just me here. W moved in with her sister. So it's a constant person at her place. W can't stand to be alone and probably would have come back home if it wasn't for her sister being there. Plus the new BFF is a new bad influence. Thought things would get better after old BFF moved away to work on her own marriage.
If I had to this over again, I would throw the fear of losing my W out the window. And made her leave sooner. A lot of time was wasted trying to nice her back. Yes I GAL, but detaching would have been so much better. Should have just gotten to the mindset that W was already damaged and moved on. Like you I am well aware of my contributions to the things that led to the A. But I have completely made all the changes needed. And continue to perfect them.
Also my W is now chasing after anything that smiles and has a penis it seems. Regardless on how bad things look on paper with these men. Believe that she is realizing that if she can not have OM full time since he lives out if state, then anyone will do if there is an itch that needs to be scratches.
Now I am concerned about what you W is telling you D in order to justify this behavior. Not to mention having your own child take the side of OM over her own father. The thing I ensure S13 knows is that his mother behavior is not good at all. And that OM is someone that we don't tolerate or respect.
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