I've been reading the posts and was feeling hopeful, but each passing day, I'm feeling hurt and sad. I'm still getting used to the abbreviations so please bear with me.
My H dropped the bomb on me in the middle of June, he left to stay with a male coworker on my daughter's 9th birthday after she went to bed (June 25th). He said he needed to cool off for a couple of days. He said he will still come over every night to help with the kids. I did the whole begging and pleading, big mistake on my part, which pushed him further away. I suspected that he's having and EA because I found thousands of text messages exchange between the two of them. When I confronted him about it, he said it's someone that gives him attention. I felt so hurt by his actions because I've remained loyal to him all this time and I thought he would do the same. Anyways, after about 2 weeks of separation, he barely made the effort to spend time with the kids. My son is 10 years old and he's showing signs of depression because of this. I was so hurt by his actions that I threatened to take full custody of the kids.
He panicked and filed for divorced on July 13 and I have 30 days to respond. We saw a licensed marital therapist on July 20, but it seems like he's putting on a face. She told me to be kind and not scold him during this time. I have been very kind to him but I feel defeated and hopeless.
During our 2 weeks of separation, I borrowed DR from the library and implemented the GAL. I went out with some of my girlfriends and he started paying attention, but I keep backsliding and told him that we all missed him and want him to come back home. He keeps saying "we'll see" and says that he doesn't think that I'll every change. I know I have my flaws and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to repair our relationship, but at the same time, I'm so hurt and it's hard to let go and detach. It's so hard for me to concentrate in school and I want to cry everyday. I feel so lonely every night. We have a lot of debt to be paid and I feel like he's barely helping me out financially. I don't know what do to and in the end, me and the kids are the losers in this game.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hi sophene
You and your children are not losers in this game. You were loyal and committed. Your husband is not.
The problem is that you cannot make your husband do what he should be doing. No begging, no rationalizing with him, no yelling at him, no guilt tripping. All that will do is bring you down. Trust me, you need to move forward now with your pride intact. And I know how hard that is when your emotions are all over the place. You are angry, and most rightfully so. But also its so foreign for someone to leave the way he did, that you can't help but blame yourself. For not being a perfect wife and perhaps for taking your relationship for granted. Am I right?
Well, I want to remind you that marriage is hard, people get distracted with kids and jobs. Especially when the kids are young. And when a spouse chooses to break his vows and committment, for their own selfish reasons (and that's really what this ends up being about) , please, please don't fall for the crap rationalization and gaslighting they put on you.
All you can do is focus on yourself and your children, and by doing so you guys will come out as the winners.
My advise is to get through this day by day. Like giving up carbs..."it's 3 days and no calls to husband. 4 days and no calls to husband" Write it out for us here.
Figure out what your best moves are legally. He only cares about protecting himself. He was smart to file. And that shows you how it is all about him and that he is putting himself first. You need to do the same. Especially if you guys have shared debt. Very scary stuff and hard to face, but it's imperative.
These beginning stages suck. They really do. There's nothing you can do but move through it. It does get better. Time slowly heals and you won't always feel like this. Vent here. Treat yourself nicely. And maintain your pride.
Sorry you're here,
Your H sounds exactly like mine did the first go around. DO NOT TRUST HIM! I cannot say that enough. Please act like he has been abducted by aliens and he is just a stranger in your H's body. He may come back, he may not. But please if I can help you with anything it is to believe nothing that he says. You must protect yourself financially and protect your children because right now you nor the children are a priority to him.
Your situation is so new, please try your best to not contact your H unless it is an emergency and only respond to him if it is regarding kids or finances. He wants to get attention from his OW let him... let him miss you. Let him see you happy and going on with your life. Fake it as much as you have to, eventually you won't have to fake it. DO not tell him you miss him, let him think you are moving on. I know it sounds like a game but trust me begging, pleading, letting him knwo you miss him will not work.
Good luck!
Good advice here. And most of us struggled to follow it in the first few weeks and months, so please don't beat yourself up! Please recognise that you're still in shock and your thoughts and feelings will be all over the place. That's fine...just breathe and take your time before you do anything.
You can't do anything about him right now. You have to focus on you and your kids. Part of doing that is to accept that you don't know what will happen, but you have to deal with what is real today. And then the next day. In the early stages most of us find that life drops down to small chunks because it is all we can cope with...and that's good because it stops us spinning. I think the carbs idea is good...detach even though you'll be faking it right now. Do it anyway. An hour at a time is fine. x
Thank you everyone for your support, I will do my best to implement the techniques of detaching, healing myself, and be the best parent for my kids. He decided he wanted to extend the divorce process. He says he needs time to think about things. I have a problem of reacting before I think so I really have to work hard on doing that. I believe the main cause of our arguments is because I always act before I think. This makes me feel like I'm a failure as a wife. Since my emotions are super high, I'm always thinking about what I've done wrong.
Is there any detaching technique that anyone can advise so I can focus on my classes? I'm a chemistry major, neuroscience minor and only 3 classes away from graduating. My passion is to do research to find cures for brain diseases such as Alzheimer's, prion, or ALS.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Like you, sophene, I used to jump quickly to solutions, and talking and fixing. It has been a tough road to retrain myself but slowly I have...I recommend the 'do nothing' for an hour/a day/a week principle along with the STFU smoothie used by others here and the constant mantra 'I don't know'.
You said your H wants to 'extend' the divorce process? What does that mean? What is the impact of that on you and your kids? What do you want?
PS You're not a failure as a wife, or anything else. You've made some mistakes or not done some things the way you wish you had. Doesn't make you a failure, just comes along with being a human and all that x
The extending the divorce process is to extend the response for another 30 days instead of me responding within 30 days the first time around. He says he loves me and not inlove with me. Is it possible for him to fall back inlove if I do this last resort technique? I feel so hopeless and defeated.
Hi Sophene,
Keep posting.
Since you have the coolestt majors and minors around - focus on those. There are also so many mindfulness trainings around and having a neuroscience minor you are going to LOVE the brain training hat mindfulness meditation gives you.
Headspace is a great app.
Disclosure - I'm a chemist, and WISH I had formally studied neuroscience as well (my daughter took some classes), but I find it fascinating.
Focus on yourself. Post here instead of initiating contact with your H. Try to draw a porphyrin like chlorophyll freehand. I cannot - lol.
Mostly, self care is the key.
It's a good sign that he is giving it some time. You can do this.
Welcome sophene,
Sorry you have a reason to have found this site, but if you will come here and journal about the things your impulses tell you to say to him, rather than actually saying them to him, it will help. And believe me, we've all been there, in knowing how hard it is not to contact them, and just sitting praying that text will ding or phone will ring.
Your time will be better spent by focusing on you and your children right now. There are many good people on this forum who can encourage you on a daily basis. Post frequently to keep your story near the top, and you will get more responses that way. Also go into other people's threads and read their stories. That is very helpful with not feeling so very alone right now.
And I see your location is Atlanta, so if you need a real, live hug, I'm not very far away, just right over in AL. Hang in there!
Everyday is getting a little bit easier, when I need to cry, I go into my room, cry for a few minutes, and then put myself back together. This relieves my emotions for that day. I will implement my 180 in full force today: no contact unless it's kids and finances, no relationship talks, no intimacy of any kind, continue to be kind and not as available. This will be hard because I'm a very affectionate and sexual woman, but I must stand my ground and heal.
By doing this, I'm hoping to be mentally stronger and that my husband will realize the good that he had until it's gone. I can't give him the power to bring me down. I have support from my family and friends as well as this board.
During our 2 weeks of separation, I borrowed DR from the library and implemented the GAL. I went out with some of my girlfriends and he started paying attention, but I keep backsliding and told him that we all missed him and want him to come back home. He keeps saying "we'll see" and says that he doesn't think that I'll every change. I know I have my flaws and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to repair our relationship, but at the same time, I'm so hurt and it's hard to let go and detach. It's so hard for me to concentrate in school and I want to cry everyday. I feel so lonely every night. We have a lot of debt to be paid and I feel like he's barely helping me out financially. I don't know what do to and in the end, me and the kids are the losers in this game.
Hello Sophene,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I think I'm just going to go through with this divorce. I can only take so much before I reach my breaking point. We are in about $35,000 in debt and he's finding excuses not to help me out. The credit cards are in my name but the purchases were from both of us.
He's living with a coworker right now and he says he's always broke, but when I check the account, he's spending money on frivolous things. I've been kind to him and asking him to please send some money so I can pay down our debts. He barely makes time for the kids because other things are more important right now. I'm going to school, taking care of the kids full time, maintaining the house and pets while he can go out and do whatever he wants. How is this fair for me?
I've taken ownership to my mistakes in the marriage but I would never screw him over like this. What did I do to deserve this? How am I supposed to protect myself financially without getting a divorce? At this point I don't know if it's a full blown affair and I cannot accept this. My life is too short for this crap, I've devoted 11 years of my life to him and I get screwed over in the end.
Maybe he doesn't realize that going through with this divorce will wake him up and realize that he's going to have to pay child support, alimony, a place to stay, his half of the debt, etc. He doesn't see the magnitude of his irresponsibleness. I get that he's not emotionally connected to me anymore, but at least be a responsible father and take ownership for his part of the debt. I just cannot let him get away with this. He thinks he can do whatever he wants to do without any consequences. I'm tired and frustrated and I just want to scream.
I had a talk with him last night and he agreed to be friends first because he lost so much connection with me that he doesn't know if he can fall back in love with me again. I looked into his eyes and said that I apologized for every wrong and hurtful things I did to him. 12 years ago, when we were just friends in the Marine Corps, he heard the news that his closest cousin had passed away due to leukemia at the age of 12. He was crushed and cried in my arms. I was devastated and tried to comfort him as much as possible. I've never met his cousin but have heard wonderful things about her. At the time, I told him that God loved her so much that he wanted her for himself and that she will always be in his heart and watching over him. I told him to celebrate her life and not think about her death. At that moment, we knew that we were the one for each other.
Just when I was about to lose hope and just give into the divorce so he can be happy once and for all, his cousin came into my dreams Friday night. She had a message for me to forgive him and not give up on him. Mind you I have never met her and 12 years later, she came into my dreams. This was so strange to me.
I have no clue how the divorce process works, I've looked it up online for the laws in GA but I am still confused. Once he files, I have 30 days to file a complaint. He said that once we go before a judge, I can respond on whether I want the divorce or not. If we don't agree, the divorce process will take longer. He said he is willing to postpone once we have a hearing date. He already paid for a lawyer and now I have to borrow money to get a lawyer. This all could of been avoided if I had not impulsively threatened full custody. My emotions take over at times and I tend to react before I think about things, no wonder why I feel like a failure as a wife.
He said that he wanted us to be friends first so he can see the change in me. I admit, over the years, I didn't show him the attention that he needed and so he felt devalued as a husband. I used to be a very confident, social, and happy person. As the years go by, life takes over, I was stress, overwhelmed from the responsibilities as a mother, student, wife, and maintaining a household. I had built up resentment with him over time, we got into frequent arguments and slowly disconnected.
During this separation, I had a self-reflection on how I was wrong and how I treated my husband. I felt so bad and had apologized to him. I believe that deep down, he really doesn't want a divorce but is stuck. I just need to prove to him that I can change and make myself happy. I just don't know how to be friends with him because my emotions can take over. Any advice given will be appreciated.
He said that he wanted us to be friends first so he can see the change in me. I admit, over the years, I didn't show him the attention that he needed and so he felt devalued as a husband. I used to be a very confident, social, and happy person. As the years go by, life takes over, I was stress, overwhelmed from the responsibilities as a mother, student, wife, and maintaining a household. I had built up resentment with him over time, we got into frequent arguments and slowly disconnected.
Just my 2 cents ... had he ever brought any of this up before?
It takes two in a M and I don't think you should burden all the blame.
If you've reflected and found things to work on for yourself then that is a good part of the process.
I was in your state recently, blaming myself and apologizing for everything... really though, while there are things I can work on to improve myself, I am certainly not fully at blame for the M. Both partners have to participate.
Hi Guzzard,
He has admit to his part of the failing marriage, but at the time, I was putting all the blame on him and didn't want to admit my part. After self-reflection, I realized that I was also part of the problem. I was negative, stubborn, and resistant to change. I guess it took rock bottom for me to realize that and I now know that I need to work on myself. For the longest time, I was in denial about our failing marriage until he was at his breaking point.
I really do need to work on myself so that I could be stronger with or without him. It's a little easier to detach everyday, but I have my moments where I'm really sad.
sophene, TIME is a big part of the process. You are early. I know it stinks. I know it hurts but turn that pain into the energy to handle this is a way that will save your MR.
Follow Sandi's rules. Not for a couple days. For as long as it takes.
Don't bring up the R, ley H do it. Listen to me. It is for the greater good. It is very counter intuitive. It can work, but it takes time.
Tell him in text or any way you see fit about his S reaction. BTW, the kids are picking up on your reactions. Do it in a way that doesn't try to guilt or condemn.
Hang in there, you are not alone. TIME and any time that H gives you is a success.
sophene, TIME is a big part of the process. You are early. I know it stinks. I know it hurts but turn that pain into the energy to handle this is a way that will save your MR.
Follow Sandi's rules. Not for a couple days. For as long as it takes.
Don't bring up the R, let H do it. Listen to me. It is for the greater good. It is very counter intuitive. It can work, but it takes time.
Tell him in text or any way you see fit about his S reaction. BTW, the kids are picking up on your reactions. Do it in a way that doesn't try to guilt or condemn.
Hang in there, you are not alone. TIME and any time that H gives you is a success.
Hello RR17,
I understand I have to give it patience, but how do I get him to help pay for the bills? Whenever I bring up that he has financial responsibilities here, he ignores me. The credit card debts (which is in my name) that he contributed, cell phone, internet, electricity, water bill, etc. don't go away just because we are separated. I try not to bring up the relationship issue but I get frustrated that he doesn't want to help pay for bills but would spend money on other frivolous things. How can I protect myself financially? I'm still a student, taking care of the kids and pets full time, and maintaining a household. He hardly comes see the kids, it's so frustrating.
You have to get cool, pleasant but cool. He knows what he's doing and so do you.
Send an email with the due amounts and his obligations with deadlines. Period
Don't whine or try to use it against him..
Just the facts, mam.
No editorials, opinions or expanding on the topic.
Bottom line is the law is on your side. (Don't point this out, he knows it)
I'm going to see a lawyer today to file my complaint for the divorce. Unfortunately, it has to come down to this. No matter what I do or say, I'm getting blamed for everything that's wrong in this marriage. I'm so depressed and feeling hopeless. I feel like my whole world is turned upside down because I thought the man that I've devoted 12 years of my life would never turned against me.
Yet deep down in my heart, I have this tiny bit of hope that things will turn around. Maybe I'm just fooling myself. I don't know how to heal and I don't know how to take my power back because I'm crying all the time. I hate feeling like this because I feel like I'm so out of control. Just when I feel like I can heal from this, the things he says brings it all down.
I stumbled across the law of attraction on my search for healing and everything makes so much sense. I'm not a religious person but I believe in the universe, nature, and energies. I started manifesting positive energies and although it's very tough while being hurt, I learned to forgive and have gratitude.
I believe my husband is slowly responding to me because I'm radiating out positive energy to him. He's initiating conversations with me and staying longer at the house when he's spending time with the kids.
I am not rushing the process but I will continue to apply the law of attraction everyday so that I can continue to manifest a loving and trusting relationship with my husband so that one day we can reconcile.
Hello Sophene,
I would hold off on filing at this point. However there are things that could work and make a difference.
I suggest you speak to a DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with him, so that you are most likely to bring him closer and not push him any further away.
Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around. I wish you all the best and would be happy to discuss the coaching with you.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004