Have been surfing the threads for about 2 months. I quess its time to jump in with both feet.
March recieved the lLYBIDLY. 25 years together a son 16and daughter 18. Marriage has been good with some small issues that always seemed to get worked out. My W looked at me that night said she needed to leave and figure things out. Took 20 minutes to pack cloths talk with each of the kids for 2-4 minutes and left. Have been dealing with the fall out ever since. Still have regular contact with W but everything seems to be my fault and only thing that w can remeber are 4 arguements over a multi year period. She has limited contact with old friends and is easily offended and will even go no contact with the kids. A little info on me major job change 5 years ago 3 years ago i let it overwelm me and shut down on my family quit going out just became a couch patato. My wife held things together august of last year i notice some suttle changes in my wife and i tried to reingage with her and the family it seemed to frustrate her and rather then step back i started to push trying to make up for my lack of involvement.
So long ztory short she noticed i was trying but she feels empty in side and doesn,t want to try. Has left and is looking into Devorce as well as making some wild claims about my conduct and my comittment to the marrige.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks for the post cadet.
I have DB and DR both are already showing signs of wear i have been reading them so much, im am very concerned because my waw and i have contact at least 3 times a week if not more and when she left i did all the wrong things to convince her to stay. Im having a hard time not snooping and checking on her wareabouts weekends are the worst i have no reason to think there is a OM but imagination runs wild friday to sunday. Contact is her choice and often she thanks me for a good evening or time. Ever night since she has left i have texted a good night to her orher then that i limit first contact as much as possible.
She is in contact with the kids daily and on multiple occasions has told them we are moving in the right direction as a couple and that she is thinking about coming home.
I just dont know what my next steps are 4 months of her out of the house and at a loss as to continue??
I have signed up DB coaching.
Detach??? How when my waw has contact her choice at least 3 times a week. She lives one town over with her mom. The kids are old enough they drive but she still does family activities with us including church services and family bible study.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I feel the need to explain the (angry) in the title. My wife and i have been best friends for 30 years tackling problems together. We have a lot of the same interests and hobbies. This whole situation just doesn't add up. She goes from being friendly to making acusations of infidelity. In the past i have looked at porn but when confronted with it i approached our church elders and have been pro active in staying clear of this for almost a year i mention this because this is the only big issue i can thi k of when it comes to trust in the marriage. We could always sit down and talk thinks out now it seems she is qiuck to become angry and make accusations. Then she retreats to a room at her mothers and will sleep all day and for multiple days have little to no contact with anyone than show up at the house have what i concider a great evening with the kids and me and just as evening is wrapping up you can see a change come over her she gets for lack of a better word jumpy. Quickly says goodbye and leaves. Very confused on steps going forward. I find myself getting frustrated and angry as i think about our interactions and those she has with the kids. It seems to be all on her terms and they seem to change daily!!
I feel the need to explain the (angry) in the title. My wife and i have been best friends for 30 years tackling problems together. We have a lot of the same interests and hobbies. This whole situation just doesn't add up. She goes from being friendly to making acusations of infidelity. In the past i have looked at porn but when confronted with it i approached our church elders and have been pro active in staying clear of this for almost a year i mention this because this is the only big issue i can thi k of when it comes to trust in the marriage. We could always sit down and talk thinks out now it seems she is qiuck to become angry and make accusations. Then she retreats to a room at her mothers and will sleep all day and for multiple days have little to no contact with anyone than show up at the house have what i concider a great evening with the kids and me and just as evening is wrapping up you can see a change come over her she gets for lack of a better word jumpy.
Quickly says goodbye and leaves.
Very confused on steps going forward. I find myself getting frustrated and angry as i think about our interactions and those she has with the kids.
It seems to be all on her terms and they seem to change daily!!
What makes you think that this is all your fault?
Your anger is your fault.
Her anger is NOT your fault.
Same goes for happiness.
I dont believe its all my fault but i do go into fix-it mode when it comes to problems. And i ask my self what could i have done differently. Is there a difference between angry and frustrated i guess as i sit here typing im frustrated at the situation and my wife because she has no clear understanding her issues let alone what might be happening to our marriage. My wife is a firm believer that if its said it cant be taken off the table so the devorce comment is always in the back of my mind. Im trying to move forward GAL as this forum puts it a hard thing to do because we were so involved with each others life im not kidding when i say my wife was my best friend. Im confused because my wife says on multiple occassions she wants to regain our friendship but then runs from the family with no real reason for it. Will literally jump up almost turn in a cicle and say i have to go and walk out.
I quess i feel that if i hadn't became distant a couple years back my family would not be going through this now. My wife and kids always were top on my list and when my arm chair and TV replaced them for a time i believe it overwelmed my wife.
i have thanked her for sticking by me and also have told her that i will be there for her when she needs help or someone to talk to. Patience something i will need to develop in a hurry
My wife talks about being empty inside. Says she knows that she maybe depressed but will not act on this by going to a doctor or councillor. I just listen but at time im very worried about her she makes comments like "if im still alive" and if the kids have any issues she seems to blame herself and will show signs of selfharm. This is all new behavior within last 8months to a year. Who do i turn to the MIL has blinders on she just believes marriage needs to be over for her xaughter to get better.
Definitly have jumped in with both feet. Im the type of guy that shares nothing. Now im on a forum and in contact with a DB coach a 180 for sure. Time to Gal with the kids.
Detach??? How when my waw has contact her choice at least 3 times a week. She lives one town over with her mom. The kids are old enough they drive but she still does family activities with us including church services and family bible study.
You need boundaries and - Yes you can DETACH.
Fake it until you make it.
Read up on the articles about it and no try - Just DO.
I quess i feel that if i hadn't became distant a couple years back my family would not be going through this now. My wife and kids always were top on my list and when my arm chair and TV replaced them for a time i believe it overwelmed my wife.
Although you being distant is not different than her being distant - I do not believe it is a DIVORCEABLE offense.
It is NOT the cause of what you are going through, that I am sure.
My wife talks about being empty inside. Says she knows that she maybe depressed but will not act on this by going to a doctor or councillor.
YOU can NOT FIX her depression.
You can not tell her anything.
Best to step away from her and not get pulled into her turmoil.
So who did she leave to be with? I ask because she's following a cheater script 99.9%.
She has shut down completely. I have done some snoopng trying not to do that any more. She will finish work on a friday and some weekends only leave her room at her mothers to eat and use the restroom. I believe at this time she is just overwelmed with life i guess. Also the difference in her overal look she will wear same outfit multiple days and has looked very un kept for the last few months. She visits and calls no one except her kids.
I understand why you asked that question but i dont thi k we are on that path yet.
First, welcome to the forums!
My wife talks about being empty inside. Says she knows that she maybe depressed but will not act on this by going to a doctor or councillor. I just listen but at time im very worried about her she makes comments like "if im still alive" and if the kids have any issues she seems to blame herself and will show signs of selfharm. This is all new behavior within last 8months to a year. Who do i turn to the MIL has blinders on she just believes marriage needs to be over for her xaughter to get better.
THAT IS NOT GOOD!!!!!! My W went through that after our S was born. "Empty inside" was exactly how she described it. Had no feelings. Felt like an empty shell. She had to get on A/D's to get back to her normal self. Now she's afraid to quit taking them. This puts you in a tough spot because it sounds like your W needs help, but she doesn't want it from you. And any attempt you make to ask someone to intervene is likely just going to make her think you're "trying to rally the troops" against her. All I know to tell you is if she opens up to you about that then listen to her, and validate. Don't try to "fix" her, just listen. Read the sticky thread on validation, it's a good one.
Cheating and infidelity do not have to involve another person.
What you are describing fits perfectly with NO OTHER PERSON.
Cheating and infidelity do not have to involve another person.
What you are describing fits perfectly with NO OTHER PERSON.
Can i ask for clarification on that please Cadet?
Cheating and infidelity do not have to involve another person.
What you are describing fits perfectly with NO OTHER PERSON.
Can i ask for clarification on that please Cadet?
Cant get my head around that!
It took me a long time to understand it also.
The infidelity could be a fantasy inside her head,
a character in a romance novel, book, movie,
movie star.
Any of these do not involve YOU.
Their is no way for you to know what is swirling around in her head.
She is unlikely to tell you and if you ask it will be a lie,
so that is not an option.
So again infidelity does not need to involve a REAL person.
Cheating and infidelity do not have to involve another person.
What you are describing fits perfectly with NO OTHER PERSON.
Can i ask for clarification on that please Cadet?
PA = physical affair
EA = emotional affair (W may be emotionally attached to someone who is or is not emotionally attached to her)
IA = imaginary affair (W imagines a knight in shining armor will ride in to sweep her off her feet)
In some ways IA's are the worst, because they are perfect. EA's and especially PA's eventually unravel once the affair partner is no longer on their best behavior. And let's face it, any guy that is willing to engage in an affair with a married woman is of dubious character to begin with, so most affairs are doomed from the word "go". But an IA? It's whatever she can imagine. Hard to compete with perfection!
Did i say i was confused! Leaving for a long weekend with the kids wife has been very involved with final planning and has made it clear she is going with us. She wants to keep making good memories so the bad ones are not at the forfront of her thinking. Still only brings up 4-5 arguements over a 5 year period that seem to be on her mind constantly. She says she has noticed how the kids and i have pulled together to stay active with friends and family. She talks about shuting down well in groups and hopes by making good new memories she will stop feeling empty inside. We haven't spent more then 2 hours together at any one time in the last 5 months now she will be with the family for 3 days. I am very worried about this.. i feel im giving her space but then she comes close for a time and then pulls away upset at who im not sure!
The last sit down conversation we had i thanked her for sticking by me when i was going throuh a rough patch. I let her know i would be there for her if she needed me but i would not be asking her to come home. I let her know the door was open as long as we could keep trust in the marriage.
Well i guess i will try not to overthink it and enjoy the weekend thanks again to Cadet and Anotherstander you have given me lots to reflect on.
She has shut down completely. I have done some snoopng trying not to do that any more. She will finish work on a friday and some weekends only leave her room at her mothers to eat and use the restroom. I believe at this time she is just overwelmed with life i guess. Also the difference in her overal look she will wear same outfit multiple days and has looked very un kept for the last few months. She visits and calls no one except her kids.
I understand why you asked that question but i dont thi k we are on that path yet.
Since you've added this I'd have to say there may not be an OM but that she has very serious depression, maybe clinical depression. It's a time like this in the marriages vows ("for worse..." "in sickness...") that you have to be a rock for her even if she pushes you away. You're the leader of your family. You have to lead the way through this crisis. She needs professional help.
We haven't spent more then 2 hours together at any one time in the last 5 months now she will be with the family for 3 days. I am very worried about this.. i feel im giving her space but then she comes close for a time and then pulls away upset at who im not sure!
An event like this is a God send for GAL's and 180's.
I trust this is some sort of family summer getaway, like at a cabin/lake/tourist town?
What would you typically do at this event in previous years (activities/food/etc)?
Yes a regular weekend away every year aslong as i can remember. 3 hour drive went well. Everyone was laughing talking about everything under the sun. Even played a travel game or two. She can have some really good times almost like my wife from a year ago. How quick things change though talking about lunch plans for tomorrow she becomes worried she forgot something and she goes into a spin in and out of the bathroom 6-7 times jumps in fhe bed and turns her back two us and Thanks me for a good day. Hopefully agood nights sleep will make for a good family outing tomorrow.
Marriage has been good with some small issues that always seemed to get worked out.
This is interesting to me.
What do you mean by 'worked out'? Do you mean that she stopped bringing it up or that the issue was resolved with lasting change?
Ok, while you didn't directly answer my question:
What would you typically do at this event in previous years (activities/food/etc)?
I'll try to elaborate on what I was getting at as far as a golden opportunity for GAL's and 180's:
- If you would typically go to this event, sit around and drink and kibitz. 180 it: Don't drink, take everyone on a hike or start a volleyball game.
- If you would just hang around inside and watch TV/sports get out and create and event or something.
- If you would pull up to your wife and hang in her conversations with others: 180 it run to the kitchen and help out with cooking.
- If there is water nearby and you would typically hang out on the beach fully clothed under an umbrella: 180 it: buy a speedo a size too small and go rent a jet ski
While I am not saying to avoid the W, I am saying make a conscious effort to not follow her around like a puppy, and not be dependent on how her mood is for your (or others) happiness this weekend.
Hello Nrthman,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
Safe travels during your holiday weekend! Please call me when you would like to schedule another session with your DB Coach.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Yes a 180 day kept busy with friends and family. Only time i was with wife i was asked to walk with her. Talked weather and other easy going topics. No marrige or R talks.
Sorry to say but no speedo body here. Although i have lost 38 pounds in 4 months. She has noticed and said i look good. She is with kids tonight and im headed out for a walk. Looks like it will be another quite night.
Good question Kaizen.
A little of both i beleive. We would always work together on any problem or decisions within the marriage but last feww years more of the quick arguements and not really descussions to work it out. I believe because for a time i was not active or wanting to be involved with much at home.
It started out that changes were for the kids but now i am making changes for me also. We are working as a family to get back to what my daugter says are the good old days but better.
As our weekend was ending and the closer we got to home the more my wife seemed to shutdown. I keep thinks light but she always gets this lost look during the good byes. We have regular contact Sundays and one night a week. This is my wifes choice sould this be something i back away from to detach it uusally is a family based activity that i would miss but if it helped my situation i would any thoughts?
N, you were depressed now your w is depressed. Read HaWho on mid life crisis as she is going through the same. I too have a long m with a w who feels empty inside and acts like she wants d but also wants to do family activities. It is confusing and frustrating and soul crushing. It seems like you already know a lot about what you need to do. Questions: what are you going to gal separate from w? How are you demonstrating you aren't the same guy who drove her away? Was your w religious and a sahm? Does she feel trapped in that role/does she have an identity and purpose outside the family? Also remember, a frustrated and angry guy is not an attractive one.
My GAL program hmmm... i have made a point of evening rides on my motorcycle started and complete small reno upgrades on the house. More activities with kids including home projects. I have started to volunteer more at the church developing some good relationships or should i say rekindling them with friends. My wife has always been strong in faith and on numerious occasions has said she takes our marriage vows seriously in the same brearh mention how empty she is inside and she doesn't want to try anymore. My wife was a sahm for 5 years after kids were born but has had a good job for the last 13 years. She is parttime and in truth i never took much of an interest in her job or what was happening there. Now when she brings up work i listen and try not to offer any suggestions. For years she would complain and say how terrible her boss was i would council her to be careful and watch what she said. Now its the only place she is happy her words...
Your right about frustrating and soul crushing. I havent slept since we returned from our trip i just feel like im back to the day she left. The othernight as she drove away i realized just how much i want my bestfriend/wife back into my life. First hr was a pannick attack on steroids.
So no contact yesterday. And then today i recieve text asking about my day. She dropped my son off tonight. We had a quick talk tried to keep it light but did ask her if she had any concerns that she would like to table. She says she doesn't know but feels like we are making steps in the right direction. I just wish we could talk about our issues instead not addressing the problems. I still believe her true concerns havn't even been brought up. Communication and closeness have not been present for a long period of time. I would assume a 180 is being active helping the kids and around the house as well as trying to communicate with her.
Why is she around? Is she doing it because of guilt about leaving the kids? I just keep asking these qquestion to myself. Why tell me see doesn't love me and she needs space. Then have a regular schedule were we are in contact. This hot cold back and forth thing is very frustrating. My 16 year b is starting to show signs of anger towards his mom this is something i dont want to mess up he feels like she left him and all i can come up with is she is your mom you need to give her a break she is the only one you will have.
Texts from the wife again today i havent responded yet my daughter and wife have had a fight and im just trying to not take sides. Sometimes i feel like the texts are a check to see were im at. I know she isnt moving on most evening and weekends when she is off work she looks like homeless person. She still only has two small duffle bags of her clothing and a couple pair of shoes. My wife has left everything at the house.
Im at a loss on what to do going forward when it comes our relationship. Time to go GAL evening ride on the bike nothing gets your head clear like a fast bike and curves.
Question:
Can WAS be a family trait? I started looking at the number of female relatives of my wife ages late 30 to 50. I would say 90% have left there husbands some to never return. My wife has two cousins that followed the same story line both are now back with H. Both said the felt controlled and thAt husbands were jealous or hiding thinks from them.
My wife's aunts al seperated in there 40s. I believe only her mother has stayed with husband she married late. He is my wife's step dad. Wife had a revolving door of Dad like people from
Age 3-14
Tell us more about her biological father. Is he currently in her life? Do you know very much about her childhood?
There could be a few reasons for this change in your wife. It sounds as if she is extremely depressed, if she is not changing her clothes. Does she go to work in the same clothes? She may be having panic attacks when she's with the family and suddenly jumps up and leaves.
Are there any traces of mental illness in the family? Would she see a therapist? Why is she against anti-depressant meds?
Do you think she would go to a hormone balancing specialist? Hormones can really scr@w up a woman when they are out of balance.
Does her mother seem to be worried about her daughter's obvious decline from her normal state?
Father did not have contact as she was growing up he passed away 10+ years ago.
Talks fondly of childhood listening to stories she was raised by aunts and uncles and older friends of her mothers.
She has 2-3 uniforms she wears to work pants and casual shirts. Its just that she has a large amount of clothing for day to day a church services and it is all here at home. She wears the same 2 dresses to church for last 4 months and she has a whole closet full wear from home. Her cloths are clean it just seems like work cloths to jogging pants and the after work cloths are the same every day. She mentions doing laundry on sundays.
This is a total change in her she was always very well put together when it came to clothing and her over all look.
Mental ilnes not that i know of.
I recieved a hiss theough her teeth when i mentioned Therapist.
She has mentioned that she maybe depressed. Meds are not something she used much of even when it came to colds.
She has been foing to the doctor recently. I hope she shared how she was feeling with them. I know she went a year ago becasue of night sweats and changes she saw in herself and asked about Hormone issues and perimenopause the told her she was to young.
Her mother thinks see is fine physically it is just an emotional thing... her words... i like my MIL but she is all about herself. When i did call her to incourage her to have w seek medical help she said al she needs is time and i needed to move on with my life because of what i did. I asked for clarification but none was forthcoming.
Father did not have contact as she was growing up he passed away 10+ years ago.
Talks fondly of childhood listening to stories she was raised by aunts and uncles and older friends of her mothers.
So, where was her mother while she was growing up?
i like my MIL but she is all about herself. When i did call her to incourage her to have w seek medical help she said al she needs is time and i needed to move on with my life because of what i did. I asked for clarification but none was forthcoming.
Leads me to think your W has told her mother that you are the cause for the S. But, IDK......the mother may be putting her own twist on things.
I know this must drive you nuts. I remember a poster years ago that thought everything was great until he went home one day and found W gone. Last I heard, she never talked to him, wouldn't give a reason for leaving, and wouldn't tell her kids. The not knowing why, nearly drove him up the wall. People can do strange things.
MIL was a party girl had my wife at 17. Aalways put her self first i noticed this when we first met.
My wife always said she would be nothing like her mom. That being said some of the actions over the last 6 months concerning our marriage and how she has interacted with the kids she seems to have changed into her mother.
Not the party girl just selfish.
My wife and i talk i even get small windows to the old W. Just the extreme changes and the way she acts towards the kids
Metup with W today. Small conversation she asked me how i was doing i replyed good and trying to stay positive. She actually said she has noticed how i have been positive about thinks for a couple months or more. Small steps...
GAL day in the making. Only concern W seems to be pulling awy from my son. He reachs out and there is always something that is more important for her to do or not today i feel sick. I worry greatly that she may ruin the relationship she has with the kids. They dont understand the fast changes she makes from positive to negative.
Im finding it hard to be positve when it comes to this. Im frustrated i just want to grb her by the shoulders and give her a shake and tell her its one thing to act this way with me but the kids need all the support that the both of us can provide.
It's exrtremly painful to see w move away from kids. It's not fair to them at all but resist any physical attempt to wake her up. At worst you get an assault charge and restraining order and you lose 100% of custody. All she has to do is make the claim that you roughed her up.
Thanks Gordie.
More of i wish i could thing. With the w going hot and cold with the whole faamily how do you move forward?
Is it the Marriage ?
Is it depression?
Is it MLC?
Is it Hormones?
Is it all #%^&%in 4????
I dont know why but im pissed off today time to take my son and go on tour GAL with the young lad...
Is it the Marriage ?
Is it depression?
Is it MLC?
Is it Hormones?
Is it all #%^&%in 4????
It makes your head spin. The only way I find time out of the head spinning is to try not to answer it. It's not possible really at this point to know, so you have to give up answering it. Easier said than done, I know. GAL helps, talking to friends and family helps me a lot, IC helps, reading a book, doing a puzzle book...anything to stop trying to answer what can't be answered right now.
GAL day in the making. Only concern W seems to be pulling awy from my son. He reachs out and there is always something that is more important for her to do or not today i feel sick. I worry greatly that she may ruin the relationship she has with the kids. They dont understand the fast changes she makes from positive to negative.
It must be terribly painful for you to see this happening. If you have "the fixer" mentality, you will want to give excuses to the kids about why their mother is pulling away. You might even try instigating more family activities.....just to draw her into the circle and pay attention to her kids. Here's the cold harded truth. You can't fix her. You can't make her be a good mom. The more you try to cover for her with the kids......the bigger possibility they will mistrust both of you, b/c they see through the lie. Work on your R with the kids, have as much family oriented activities as you can muster with them........but basically stay out of her R with them. You are not responsible for her R with her children.
If she won't see a therapist, perhaps you could have a session to get advice in how to answer some of the questions from your kids. Better yet, let them talk to a counselor about their feelings, especially if they think dad just makes excuses for mom.
sandi2 sometimes i thi k im the fixer of all fixers my job involves a lot of problem solving. I am very quick provide excuses to my kids dor there mothers behavoir.
I think i may have screwed up tonight my w called and i voiced my concerns over how she was not treating the kids very well. She started getting very emotional and kept saying sorry over and over. She did finally say she needed a quite day and she was sorry she ruined my sons day. Muiltiple texts to him saying the same thing plus a phone call. I know my son is pushing both of us to talk and deal with things and this also may be putting a strain on there interactions.
I also said every decision she makes she and only she will be held accountable. She sobbed and asked me not to read into it that much.
I have been easy going and nothing but helpful for weeks i jusr feel like i have taken steps in the wrong direction.
Thanks Guzzard.
Definitly easy said then done. I have been reading your thread you have a major plate full also. I wish you all the best.
Bad day today. Wife blames me for issues she is having with the kids. Crying and very aggressive towards me. I listened. Tried not to comment but ended the conversation by telling her that choices she is making are to blame for the issues. And that i was and always will be there for the kid and her if and when she figuired out what was her major concerns. More crying and she leaves saying she does nothing right.. No response to kids texts
I worry because she is so all over the map when it comes to her emotional state..
I think you need to stay out of her R with the son. That's her responsibility. Also, I would not tell her how you will always be there for her (conditions, or not). Remarks of that sort is not appreciated by her, in this current frame of mind.
I suggest you practice changing hats at the end of your workday. After you get home, you are not in charge of fixing other people......or their problems. That does not teach them how to handle it themselves.
You are not in charge of rescuing your W. Although your feelings may say to protect her and try to help every way possible.......allowing your W to deal with her problems is comparable to how we allow our kids to grow into responsible adults. The hardest part is not to interfere and let life teach them.
sandi
I have always been the Lead the way guy!! With the 2-3 years that i checked out im so afraid not to be there for my kids and w now.
Deep breaths and GAL i suppose. I think i need to read DR again..
Thank you for the imput. I have both DR and DB has any one read the books by Mort Fertel i just want to read everything i can on reconcilation.
Thanks Guzzard.
Definitly easy said then done. I have been reading your thread you have a major plate full also. I wish you all the best.
Thanks for the support and same to you.
Wife seems to be having a good day. Thanked me for always being positive during phone conversations. And had a good day with the kids.
I cant keep up with the mood changes.
I never said not to be there for your kids. I said don't be telling her you will always be there for her, or that you'll always love her no matter what she does. I'm trying to tell you that she has to believe there's a big possibility she could lose you if she treats you wrong. She doesn't want you, and as long as she thinks she can treat you like garbage and still won't lose you.......she'll never be attracted to you. Human nature, alone, does not respect someone we can kick around. That goes double for the WW. I am trying to tell you how her mindset works. In every successful R I have seen, the WW was concerned her H would no longer be in her life.........or that her "position" in his life was being replaced. It is what she has to believe, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you don't intend to be there. I'm not telling you to stop loving her, just stop telling her. You have to act as if she's losing you. See what I mean?
Currently.......It's the fear that's your biggest enemy. You are so afraid of losing her that it causes you to hold on tighter. She feels that tight squeeze and struggles to get free. Until you learn to let her go, you won't have a chance at getting her back.
I cant keep up with the mood changes.
Most nice-guy types have been trained to base their day around the mood of the W. If she's in a good mood......then he has a good day. If she is in a b'tchy mood......then his day is not so good. (I've seen reversal roles where the H is the moody one and it's the W who walks on eggshells). This becomes a prison, and the only way a H or W can break free is to stop handing over the power to the other S to control their day and their own enjoyment. If the other spouse is grumpy, too bad, but it should not affect
you.
Their mood is their problem. Don't make it your problem, too.
Daily contact continues. W even shares about her day but seem confused. We have discussed and agreed on daily contact but should i wait for contact from her or at times reach out.
You said you read both DB and DR, which did you like better and why?
DR i really enjoyed. The section on defining your goals. I realized how much easier it is to notice small changes in the W attitude. Small well defined goals and i have started to see some positive results.
I have to be honest with the over thinking and mind reading i have been doing i didnt see the changes in my w. I had a tele coaching call and things have been cleared up greatly.
My coach asked some questions.
And i had one of those OH My God moments. There has been at least 4 positive changes in my situation.
I was so focused on the final outcome i was not seeing the good steps in the journey..
DR i really enjoyed. The section on defining your goals. I realized how much easier it is to notice small changes in the W attitude. Small well defined goals and i have started to see some positive results.
I got a lot out of "knowing what you want" as well. Have you set any personal goals yet? or are you just sticking with R goals?
My coach asked some questions.
And i had one of those OH My God moments. There has been at least 4 positive changes in my situation.
I was so focused on the final outcome i was not seeing the good steps in the journey..
That was my one regret in my situation, looking back I so wish I would have called a coach.
DR i really enjoyed. The section on defining your goals. I realized how much easier it is to notice small changes in the W attitude. Small well defined goals and i have started to see some positive results.
I have to be honest with the over thinking and mind reading i have been doing i didnt see the changes in my w. I had a tele coaching call and things have been cleared up greatly.
My coach asked some questions.
And i had one of those OH My God moments. There has been at least 4 positive changes in my situation.
I was so focused on the final outcome i was not seeing the good steps in the journey..
Hello Nrthman,
I'm so glad that your DB Coach has been helpful!
Cristy
Woundedfool thanks for the questions.
Goals for my self mostly health related. R goals are simplified now mostly just want positive contact with wife. We have had daily contact and there is talk of a meeting for coffee or something just the 2 of us.
W has started to bring up good memories of the past this gets her emtioal and tendes to put an end to conversations but im learning i just listen an validate when i can.
The coaching is costly but i truly believe it has saved me alot of miss steps that i would have done. Its one thing to read something rthe coaches take it to the next level.
Contact has stayed the same. One thing i have notice is my w seems to have very happy moments then will shut down almost acting mad at her self for having a good time.
Still trying not to fix things and just be a good listener...
GAL activities becoming easier. Planning a vacation trip with my son.
QUESTION???
How or should i even try to get the topic of depression into a conversation with the w
Nrthman,
I am sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad GAL activities are becoming easier. My wife has BPD, so I know the difficulties of dealing with a spouse with mental illness. My suggestion is not to bring up depression. For one, she might resent you for suggesting it and might hiss through her teeth again. Mental illness is extremely complicated and as hard as this is, it is something she needs to work through. Also, you want to be very careful not to give the appearance that you think her depression led to the separation.
QUESTION???
How or should i even try to get the topic of depression into a conversation with the w
You absolutely don't touch that with a 10 ft. pole.
Stay the course and continue to work on you.
For one, she might resent you for suggesting it and might hiss through her teeth again.
This is how I see this playing out.
Mental illness is extremely complicated and as hard as this is, it is something she needs to work through.
Navigating this (for you Nrthman) is something you need to deal with in your counseling.
Woundedfool your right i was having one of those moments.
Spent the day with the w for the most part things went good.
Its the good byes that seem to go sideways.
I asked her if there was any thing i could do for her or if she had any concerns. She raised her voice in anger and repeatedly said i just dont know i just dont know. I changed the subject by saying smiles and laughs well together is a good start lets keep tring to have positive visits like that she drove away at that point.
WAW 5 months and counting. Very down hearted today. My w had some very good days with the kids and some quality time with me it ended 2 days ago.
No contact other then criptic texts to kids. Everytime things look like they are progressing we end up.....
I dont know what to say
Best weight loss plan ever!!! Dont like the pain in my chest or the upset stomach but the weight has really came off. I needed to loss weight i was 80lbs over weight for years. Im down 65-70 i weigh less then when we married 25 years ago.
I have stayed busy with GAL, riding my bike, walking, house projects.
As i mentioned before my wife and i did a lot of these together i miss my soul mate. When she left i did beg her to stay and i did most of the things your told not too.
One thing i didnt do was threaten to kill my self. But now i find that thought has crossed my mind this is not the type of person that i am.
This is one crazy road our family has decided to take
QUESTION??
Is it temp checking if w stops bye and spends afternoon with family. Light conversation no mention of R. Eats with us then leaves for the night but mentions planning something for later in the week?
Im so confused im having panic attacks. Trying to do my own thing when she is around letting her and the kids have ttime together but she can be the wife i know and love one minute then the cold i dont love you i dont know what i want w the next.
So what do you think is my wife temp checking me on a grand scale??
Things have me dialed up so tight right now my kids are starting to ask me oif im alright. The want me to go see a doctor. So i guess im not even faking things that well...
Is it temp checking if w stops bye and spends afternoon with family. Light conversation no mention of R. Eats with us then leaves for the night but mentions planning something for later in the week
It's called eating cake. That's when she wants the best of both worlds (her family and the OM or whatever). The WW wants the benefits that come with being M to you, but she doesn't want to take responsibility. Make sense?
I wrote out a post to you earlier but somehow managed to lose it. I was pleading with you to see a doctor. You must find balance in your life during this time of heavy stress. Eat a good healthy diet, sleep as much as possible, excerices, be around people who are friends and care about you. Talk to your doctor about your suicidal thoughts.
For the sake of your sanity, you need a distraction from your crazy WW. Do not watch her. Do not examine every move she makes. This is probably not going to end for a long time, yet. Most WW's have to learn a few lessons and experience consequences due to their behavior. My suggestion is to drop the emotionally rope you have tied to her, and move forward making a life without her. Not what you want to hear, but this is serious when a man is having suicidal thought. There is life out there and the world will not stop spinning b/c your W decides to leave you. Put your needs first.....otherwise, you could end up losing your health, sanity, and maybe your life. It's time to protect yourself by getting away and staying away from her. You deserve much better.
Sandi2 thanks for the wake up call. I have made arrangements to see my doctor. My W from what I here from the kids doesn't engage her family much either. I believe just gets validation from MIL. She keeps insisting we are moving in the right direction. It just really affects me when I see the drastic change that can come over her. She says that these times with the family are helping her get past bad memories. Almost like she is DB me! The community we live in if she started to be social it would not be long before it got back to me.
I will try and limit contact with w. The worst part is usually the our time seem to be So positive it's just the good byes. I was hoping it was the push pull
Thing I was reading about.
I just keep asking myself how could I have missed the signs!!! Time to GAL my bike is calling....
So gave it some though i can limit contact during the week but its her choice if she comes to church i guess i can limit conversation there.
How can i test the statment that this is actually helping her?
I have noticed a better connection with kids like i said in previos comments it seems to unravel near the end of visits..
I do not have blinders on i know there is a chance my w is a WW as explained by Sandi2 i just have seen no proof of it
I would thing some signs would be evident she still seem so messed up and unkept. Overthinking again....
Ride on the bike did relax me need to continue with that!!
So gave it some though i can limit contact during the week but its her choice if she comes to church i guess i can limit conversation there.
Limiting contact is a part of the equation. Think of it like this: If you have ALWAYS went to church at 10:30am on a Sunday, stay with that routine. If she shows up, and sits by you...so be it.
But don't call and ask: "are you going to church on Sunday", or "well, see you on Sunday"
Its not about ignoring or shunning, it just about being "less available".
How can i test the statment that this is actually helping her?
You don't, right now continue to focus on you.
I have noticed a better connection with kids like i said in previos comments it seems to unravel near the end of visits..
Well, stop going down cheese-less tunnels: Once you notice some unraveling toward the end... start to do something different.
I do not have blinders on i know there is a chance my w is a WW as explained by Sandi2 i just have seen no proof of it
How would it change your path if she was wandering?
I would thing some signs would be evident she still seem so messed up and unkept. Overthinking again....
Ride on the bike did relax me need to continue with that!
Yes you are overthinking.... and YES the bike ride did clear your head. Do you see a connection why the GAL's are important?
Nrthman.....I am relatively new at this but I have learned that you can't be so emotionally tied to every move she makes. It will drive you crazy and it is emotionally draining. You really have to let it go and realize you just have to pull back, stop pursuing and eliminate all talks about your R or D. Most importantly you have to take care of yourself!! Talking with people who will listen unconditionally is a life saver and I also suggest spending hours reading the old posts on this forum from Sandi, Stander, TXHubby, Accuracy to name a few. The advice they give is priceless and has been invaluable to me. I know this place has saved me even if I can't save my marriage.
Just hang in there, the hardest part is detaching but it gets easier and easier every day. I don't ask my W where she is going, where she has been, if she is going to church, if she is going to soccer practice, soccer games, etc. We only talk about our kids and finances. To be honest it is hard to talk about anything else at this time unless she wants to drop the Ice Princess act. She is also the one that initiates contact about 95% of the time.
You can do it!
How can i test the statment that this is actually helping her?
Not sure what you mean. Please clarify.
I
do not have blinders on i know there is a chance my w is a WW as explained by Sandi2 i just have seen no proof of it
Well, she may not be wayward. Her behavior may stem from hormone imbalance. I certainly did, and I acted out in ways that were completely uncharacteristic. However, I had the emotional foundation of resentment and disrespect growing in my heart for years, feelings of rebellion was held back until the final straw of stress hit, and I acted out. I was in crises! I thought it was MLC. (Won't go into details). Just don't get too hung up about what to call her right now. I think it's safe to say that she is in some type of emotional crisis. She is acting strangely from what would be the norm for her. Eventually, if she is wayward.......her rebellion toward her H and the MR will become more evident through her selfish and disrespectful attitude, behavior, and choices.
Sandi2 on many occasions she has stated that we are going in the right direction i believe that is when kids ask most times.
We are having more positive then negative interactions. Weekend seem to get to me the most.
So gave it some though i can limit contact during the week but its her choice if she comes to church i guess i can limit conversation there.
Limiting contact is a part of the equation. Think of it like this: If you have ALWAYS went to church at 10:30am on a Sunday, stay with that routine. If she shows up, and sits by you...so be it.
But don't call and ask: "are you going to church on Sunday", or "well, see you on Sunday"
Its not about ignoring or shunning, it just about being "less available".
Thanks for the clarification woundedfool
How can i test the statment that this is actually helping her?
You don't, right now continue to focus on you.
I have noticed a better connection with kids like i said in previos comments it seems to unravel near the end of visits..
Well, stop going down cheese-less tunnels: Once you notice some unraveling toward the end... start to do something different.
I do not have blinders on i know there is a chance my w is a WW as explained by Sandi2 i just have seen no proof of it
How would it change your path if she was wandering?
I truly think i would view this all a different way... easy to say i could go on but i dont know. I respect the people that have found out and continue to fight for ther marriage.
I would thing some signs would be evident she still seem so messed up and unkept. Overthinking again....
Ride on the bike did relax me need to continue with that!
Yes you are overthinking.... and YES the bike ride did clear your head. Do you see a connection why the GAL's are important?
Weekends are a killer for me too much time to think. Have my next weekend planned out will stay busy.
Thanks for clarfication woundedfool on limited contact.
If my eife was ww i definitly would look at this differently. I have great respect for those here that are fighting to save there marriage even when a A is happening. The strenght and love the have for there spouse all i can say is wow... i truly dont know what or how i would proceed if that comes to light..
This weekend is full of GAL weekends are what set me spinning the most to much time to dwell on my situation...
Thanks for the imput J9. I have had limited contact since friday. Your right my W has been the one to start texting. I have not ignored her i just dont start conversations and i make it a point to try and end them on my terms. A small thing but i see the difference.
This weekend will be busy and i will have support around me.
Definitly reading a pile on here thanks for the suggestions.
Slow but i see small signs of hope. Last couple interactions with w have been positive. Whats different i truly believe it is how im approaching the situation. I may listen and at times vLidate but i have not offered idea's or solutions to any of W concerns.
Im trying to be a friend not a husband. I see a difference maybe just wishing it so!!
Off next week for some vacation. time to get a list of GAL activities
Suggestions??
Off next week for some vacation. time to get a list of GAL activities
Suggestions??
Simplest thing: name 10 things you always wanted to do, but have not: And do them!
Yoga!
Do an intro to SCUBA class!
Find a local soup kitchen and ask to help clean up!
Drive down an expressway, and help everyone you see stopped at the side of the road with car trouble!
My weekends actually became much more fun than when I was spending them with my WW. Why? Because I did exactly what I wanted to do.
Highly recommend skydiving. And I've signed up for a pole dancing class next month...
Interactions between w and I are staying on the upbeat side. End of visits still seem to make her uncomfortable.
W has been reaching out by text more mostly to thank me for things or a good visit.
As i stated early in this thread i text good night to her every night. This is something i have done for years if we were apart i never expect a return text but just recently i have been recieving some return texts.
I may be overthinking again but at time i believe the w is watching how the kids and i are interacting with each other and this gets her more involved on the nights she visits.
Question
Boundaries have not been talked about but it seems the some have fell naturally in to place. Have others found this to be the case too?
With the situation at a stand still should i be makeing more boundaries. I ask this because other then leaving my w has not changed or pulled away any farther.
Actually contact seems to be increasing but if she feels and push from me i get the cold shoulder and the blank stare.
Changes at the house. Changes of me personally and the kids are being noticed. W will not mention them when we are together but it comes up in texts and in conversations she is having with mutual friends. Yes she seems to be starting to connect with some of her friends again also.
Now lets talk about me... i have been keeping busy with work and home projects. In the last year i have lost 75 lbs over the last 5-6 months maybe lossing it a little to fast but my health has improved greatly.
Vacation started yesterday. Road trip is big on planned events. Also reading and general laziness at the beach.
Question
With the interactions being improved should i ask the wife to be involved with one of the family vacation outings?
Thanks Treasur
Maybe the skydiving but i think i will stay away from the pole dancing
In your signature you mention depression did you seek out help your self or were you coached by someone to get help?
Txhubby
My plans this weekend do not involve the w and i am very much looking forward to them. For 20+ years my w and i did everything together or at least supported each other in activities. It is strange to attend things solo but the enjoyment of the events is still there.
The one thing i need in my GAL activities is to forge some new friendships and do things. I am a bit of a loner. But was never lonely.
Almost started feeling sad for myself!!! Vacation no time for that!
Woundedfool,
Watched the bucket list last night that movie goes well with your 10 things list if you havent seen it i highly recommend it.
Thanks again for your imput
So this a Question i hesitate to bring up because in my heart i know the answer.
Im what is concidered a stable nice guy who looks after his family and loves his kids. As people are becoming aware of my situation i have had concerned ladies offer to sit down with me and share a coffee and listen if i need to talk. Dinner and talk so and so on.
The question is if i keep this in a larger group setting will this be looked at like a GAL activity or will it look like im looking for a replacemnet for w.
Sorry Treasur,
I have been reading a pile on here i realized aftef i posted that it is your h that is depressed.
Know i need yo find the person that talked about there depression and ask that question
So this a Question i hesitate to bring up because in my heart i know the answer.
Im what is concidered a stable nice guy who looks after his family and loves his kids. As people are becoming aware of my situation i have had concerned ladies offer to sit down with me and share a coffee and listen if i need to talk. Dinner and talk so and so on.
The question is if i keep this in a larger group setting will this be looked at like a GAL activity or will it look like im looking for a replacemnet for w.
I had many of these coffee sessions. They were awesome. It was so nice to sit down with a lovely member of the opposite sex that wasn't treating me like crap. It did not go unnoticed either. I highly recommend it.
That is AWESOME!! I have had ladies come up to me and say is she fing stupid! She is going to regret it!
Enjoy!!!!
The question is if i keep this in a larger group setting will this be looked at like a GAL activity or will it look like im looking for a replacemnet for w.
That's tough, you are quite insightful that this has the potential to be looked at as "auditioning" for the replacement.
I would see no problem if it was indeed a group setting, but in that instance... it can be difficult to have a true vent.
The only thing in that situation is to be cautioned NOT to have this the beginnings of an EA.
Don't know why - seems quite unfair - but abandoned or widowed chaps seem to get casseroles and sympathetic ladies! I think us girls should get sympathetic chaps with toolboxes or spare wine personally!
On a serious note, nothing wrong with company and a bit of TLC - just make sure you don't make a complicated sitch more complicated or inadvertently mislead or hurt someone else, I guess. Certainly, having lost my father and my H at the same time, much as I love my girlfriends, I do miss male company and perspectives.
Thank you Wf you put into words just what i was thinking. I have a lady friend i feel i could share anything with im not physically attracked to her but it bothers me that i could sit and share my issues with her and i cant get that same sort of conversation going with my w.
I find my self looking at my wife from afar and feeling like the gap is getting wider.
Question
Why if i can find a way to connect with a female friend is it so hard to find a common ground with the w.
Question
Because i have so much contact with my w do you think asking a question like "do you enjoy these small interactions with me and the familly and if so would you like to add anything to them?" Be a smart thing to do
Woundedfool do you have a active thread at this time i have read up on your history with the renewed contact of your w imvery intsrested in how this may affect some of your choices going forward thanks again for your comments and suggestions.
I may listen and at times vLidate but i have not offered idea's or solutions to any of W concerns.
Good to hear, b/c some women resent the H for always jumping to the conclusion her talking to him means her seeking his help. A lot of men are "fixers". Many of their jobs require them to fix something. When they go home and the W begins talking about her day......maybe complaining about something particularly, the H thinks that's his cue to tell her how to deal with the problem. However, she just wants him to hear her.......not tell her how to fix it. It is extremely frustrating to women. Therefore, look into her eyes when she is talking, nod your head to let her know you are interested, and validate her feelings.......and do not tell what she should do, unless she asks. That's a win - win solution.
So last 4 or 5 interactions with w have been good. She is showing more signs of being social and i believe things have ended on a good note also.
I have been ready alot on the forum. I see ware people set up boundaries about house visits. My situation hasnt changed since the day my w walkout. She took very little at the time and has been very quick to want finances and bill payments to stay status quo.
Just rushing things again i guess. Spending to much time thinking about my next step to fix this...
Back to the vacation and more reading
I have a lady friend i feel i could share anything with im not physically attracked
Yea, that is pretty close to the definition of a EA.
Why if i can find a way to connect with a female friend is it so hard to find a common ground with the w.
This is where some counseling or therapy would be beneficial. Also, while I have not read it, many here swear by the Five love language book.
Because i have so much contact with my w do you think asking a question like "do you enjoy these small interactions with me and the familly and if so would you like to add anything to them?" Be a smart thing to do
I wouldn't, it sounds like pursuit.
However, just for fun: play it out in your head (in one of your next posts take a guess what her answers could be, and the ramifications of each answer. (this is just for fun, don't develop this all time... as its actually trying for some mind reading)
Woundedfool do you have a active thread at this time
Not really, if you caught the renewed interest I posted a little while back... that is about it.
i have read up on your history with the renewed contact of your w imvery intsrested in how this may affect some of your choices going forward
I don't think it has had any effect. I don't want to seem indifferent to it, but I am still in the mode of believing 1/2 of what I see, and none of what I hear from/about her.
Turns out I have become very happy with who I am, and where I am headed. And I credit much of that to learning about DB.
thanks again for your comments and suggestions.
No problem! The trade off is I come cheap.
I don't know what agreements, if any, were met about finances. Why would you pay for her bills after she moved out?
[[quote]quote=sandi2]I don't know what agreements, if any, were met about finances. Why would you pay for her bills after she moved out?
[color:#FF9966][/color]
Actually she pays some of the household bills. I do not finance any of her activities outside the home.
Vacation is going well mostly just relaxing. W seems to be contacting me more and i see a change in how she is interacting with the kids and poeple in general. She asks permission for almost everything she does,. This kind of freaks me out a bit..and she is saying thank you for any little thing the kids or i do.
The more i act indifferent to her the more she wants to be part of the family activities...
As i mentioned before she has not been looking after herself today she spent the afternoon and evening with us. She was well groomed and fully engaged with the kids and me. Very thankful and actually having fun and laughing with the kids.
By the time we said our goodbyes i was just about at my breaking point as the day progressed the more i worried and started to overthink every action and comment she made. The what ifs and mind reading was switched on and autopilot was a full go.
The more i act indifferent to her the more she wants to be part of the family activities...
It is so counter intuitive, but isn't it amazing how this DB principle works?
So true wf..
DB works with the kids two. I have limited the mr fix when it comes to the kids also. The are really stepping up and helping with things and i see positive growth from them too.
Slow and stead may win this race afterall.
Although we keep the W informed about planned activities we leave it up to her if she att3nds or not. After missing out on two events with us and being suprised we went she has been quick to arrange so she can go. Always is thankful and we are actually getting smiles from her...
Hopefully gone are the days where she convinces herself that people dont want to do things with her this was her attitude pre BD
Vacation is going good lots of reading. Some really awesome bbq. Bike tours. Back road car tours and of course the odd cool one!!
Best week i have had in 6 months.
So vacation is almost over. W has had lots of contact we have kept things short when talking or even when she stops over.
IN a moment of weekness i have invited w for a date/dinner just the two of us. She hasn't said no but definitly could see surprise on her face.
She called later that night and discussed all the good thinks happening with the family and mentioned that she was even feeling better. She asked if she could think m9re on the dinner date i said yes and let her know there was no pressure although i would like it if she came i would still be going out if she found she couldn't.
Sometimrs i forget all this is based mostly on her time table.
She asked if she could think m9re on the dinner date i said yes and let her know there was no pressure although i would like it if she came i would still be going out if she found she couldn't.
To invite her to anything that involves just the two of you is putting a
lot of emotional pressure on her. The last thing she wants right now is to think about a dinner date with you. It has an overture of romance/intimacy.
You probably brought it up too soon. However, if she should agree to go, I suggest you take her somewhere that does not have a romantic environment, and keep it light, casual, and fun.
Do not push her! If she is hesitant in going, then act as if that's fine.......no pressure. Then, don't ask her out again. It's much too soon.
She asked if she could think m9re on the dinner date i said yes and let her know there was no pressure although i would like it if she came i would still be going out if she found she couldn't.
To invite her to anything that involves just the two of you is putting a
lot of emotional pressure on her. The last thing she wants right now is to think about a dinner date with you. It has an overture of romance/intimacy.
You probably brought it up too soon. However, if she should 3agree to go, I suggest you take her somewhere that does not have a romantic environment, and keep it light, casual, and fun.
Do not push her! If she is hesitant in going, then act as if that's fine.......no pressure. Then, don't ask her out again. It's much too soon.
So right... the w did come out it was a early afternoon and we kept it light. Craft show and a nice walk. No talk about R just agreed that better communication has made things easier.
On a personal note GOD I MISS HER....
With me just starting to be active with kids again we make sure w is invited. She is quick to be involved with those activities and even interacts with me quite regularly during the events.
The W let me know she is still having bad nights (cold sweats, tired all the time and at times she feels empty inside). I just listen now , no suggestions
Please start a new thread you are over 100 posts