Married for 14 yrs together for 16. Two D's 8 and 6. Memorial Day said she wanted a divorce. Told me she loves me but is not in love with me anymore and is not physically attracted to me. I am 44 and she is 43. Thought we had a great life, no major fights, no major arguments. I am a family man who has always been there for my children and wife. Am a good provider, don't go out bars, etc. just your normal laid back, easy going guy. If I am guilty of anything it is taking my wife for granted and I think I had become depressed over the last yr or so due to a recent job change. Wife had complained about me in the past being on the couch all the time and/or computer. I had also probably gained like 10 lbs Even though this I still worked out and played basketball a couple days a week.
Looking back I noticed several signs that she is probably having an A however I have no proof (may emotional, could be physical but obviously something has sparked her interest) and when I confronted her she denies it. She started working out, fake tanning, fake eyelashes, going out with friends more, sleeping in spare bedroom (at first I thought this was because of our daughter who would wake up in the middle of the night)and when we would go out together she would drink and be rude to me. I did snoop once on our on-line wireless account but did not find anything. Since coming to this site and reading I have since stopped that.
After she told me she wanted a Divorce she told me two days later she changed her mind and wanted to work on it. She told me I needed to be more of a leader. One week later she went out with some friends, came home drunk and told me she never had any intentions of working on it that she just did that to make me feel better. Two days later we went out with some friends and later that evening she changed her mind again and said she wanted to work on it. The very next week she called me on the phone and said she had been looking at apartments. I said ok and she gave me a move out date of 8/31. I told her I could not go on all summer on this emotional roller coaster and I asked her how soon she could get in. She told me in 3 days, I asked her if that is what she wanted to do and she said yes. (Maybe I should not have done this but at the time my thought process was to set her free)
Two weeks ago I helped her move out, she got her own credit card and has opened up her own bank account. She has a job so the money she has is the money she earns (I did take away our joint credit cards).
I have been practicing detaching and working on myself. I started playing the guitar again, working out 3 to 4 days per week, have dropped 15 pounds, started going to church and even picked up reading. Last week I went out with friends every night and this weekend have been very active with my children. It has been hard but I feel I am making progress.
Last week I did ask my wife about when we were going to sit down and talk about how we were going to separate things for our Divorce however she seemed as though it hasn't even been on her mind due to money (at least that was her excuse). She has also told people that we will be getting divorces as well (seems like her mind is made up) Outside of me asking that day I don't call, text, inquire, snoop etc. about anything she is doing. I have not pursued, reached out or anything. I have essentially let her go and she has not reached out to me either. Any conversation is only about the kids surrounding pick up times. When I see her I try to keep it up beat and act like I am doing well.
Would love to here thoughts from anyone else, suggestions, etc. Thanks for reading!
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I'm still reading up on the wealth of information both in threads (on this and other forums) and in books (DB and DR on the way). That caveat up front on not being the expert on how things go over here...
First, I'd listen to what she has said so far. The big thing i pick out of your description is that she wants you to be a leader. Think about what she means by that. A few questions. Did she take the kids with her? Do you only see them on weekends? How involved are you with the kids? How was she rude to you while drinking (what comments/criticism was said)?
I'd say take the leadership like she says and set up a session with a counselor and try and work on the R. You owe it to the kids (and your time with them) to at least try. I'd fight at first to let her know you want to save the R. I read somewhere the line "you don't need her,you want her". Show that attitude, and fight for it until its obvious you are the only one fighting. Perhaps you are already there though and she refuses counseling. Then perhaps use the session for yourself to get a counselor up to speed for the possibility she does decide to go in. If she is not receptive, you've got no choice but detach, which sounds like you are doing already. She seems to be flipping back and forth so a concentrated effort to get a dialog going within the counselor confines (or outside it if you could actually talk to her) may get you to what her issue with you is and you can go from there (or not).
Barring the Qs above, it sounds to me like you are only involved in the kids lives on the weekends. I'd also start getting allot more involved in the kids lives. I don't know how you feel about custody, but would you want it if the opportunity presented itself? Either way, if she has the kids you are losing time with the kids during the week by her moving out (assuming she took the kids with her). Ask for more time with them.
Hope this helps.
KGuy,
Thanks. I am very involved with my children. I take them to practices, go to their school events, attend all of their games. I have had them for the last three days and they will be with their mom tomorrow. My wife has the summers off so currently she has them during the week, I get them on Wednesdays and then every weekend.
I suggested marriage counseling to her however she wanted no part of it. When we would be out drinking she would turn very cold towards to me, kinda of like she had an attitude and was better than me. Before she moved out I told her I wanted to fight and would fight. However when I press her on what more I can do she can't tell me anything. Says stuff like you are a great man, husband etc. and there is no reason why I shouldn't want to be with you however there is something inside that is telling me "no". Says she feels as though I am content with my life and she is not ready to be in that stage. Says I just feel it in my bones that I can't live my life this way.
She also would get angry when I would try to get more information from her so at some point I just stopped. All of this happened before I moved out. Unfortunately I don't have much concrete information which is why I feel like it is a MLC.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Welcome to the community. By your introduction, it sounds as if you are on the right path. Letting go is not easy, but it is the best move whenever you have a W that doesn't feel love for you and claims she wants a divorce.
Whether she is in an affair or acting as if she's auditioning for Girls Gone Wild........not pursuing her and getting a life for yourself is a must. So, good job at working on you, losing weight, and filling up your calendar with fun activities.
As you post, we can learn more about your situation. If I had to guess, you are nice guy who settled into married life and raising a family,........ and maybe, just a bit too easy going where your W was concerned. You found it easier to just go along with most of what she wanted, while you laid back and watched tv or occupied your time on the computer. As with most men, you felt your main responsibility was providing for your family......so after a day at the job, you could relax.
Over time, your W seemed to have become agitated with you.......but you weren't sure why. You couldn't put your finger on the problem, but your W seemed to hold some type of anger in her that stayed just below the surface. The more you tried to be laid back and easy going, the more irritated at you she could become.......even over very minor issues.
Does this sound anywhere close to your life? If so, then I suspect your W was slowly losing some respect for you over the years. It happens in many, many MR's. You see, a woman needs to feel admiration for their H. You guys like to be admired, right? There is something in a woman that is not talked about nearly enough. Her feelings of being in love with her H is tied to the level of respect she has for him. After the wedding and they settle down to real life, they are going to experience a lot of things, but most of it will be day-to-day small stuff. Strangely enough, how we handle the small stuff affects our intimate relationships. Often times, a woman can feel resentment about how her H handled something (or that he did nothing), but she tells herself it sounds too petty to make a big deal out of it. So, she pushes her feelings down and it turns into unresolved issues. After a few years of unresolved issues.......there is lot of resentment growing in her heart. Guess who is the target? Her H, of course. Eventually, it begins to tear away the respect she had for him. Although he may be a good guy and works hard for his family......her feelings for him have been affected by resentment and her respect for him as a man begins to drop. He may not fully realize this is going on in the heart of his W, b/c she does not talk in a way that is clear. She talks in codes, and therefore, he usually has no clue as to the real problem.
When resentment and disrespect has continued to grow, she will begin to rebel. At first, it may be in subtle ways, but if it goes unchecked......she can go into full rebellion. Her mindset and behavior are wayward. She rejects her H, the M, and their lifestyle. Whether secretly or openly, she begins acting out as if she is a completely different person. Her standards or moral conduct usually drop, and she engages in behavior she had never condoned in the past. Her selfishness is staggering, and it motivates everything she does. Everything is about her. She often forsakes old friends and makes new ones who enable her wayward lifestyle. The H, children, parents, etc., are left bewildered and asking what happened to the woman she used to be.
The good news is that your M can be saved! You have started on the right foot. I encourage you to stick with us and post every day. FWIW, I was much like the woman described above. My M was saved, and I give a lot of credit to the DB board. So much in fact, that I have hung around here in hopes of passing forward the help I was given.
Sandi,
That 1000% sounds like my wife. Looking back I sacrificed myself for the sake of my marriage. I supported her and watched the kids when she went out for happy hours, shopping, etc. Even when she wanted to sleep in or take naps I was always there for her. I helped with household chores and was always available to assist or take the lead with the children, picking them up from school, etc. Towards the end, before she moved out I started to feel taken advantage of. I always thought I was doing the right things but I guess your right I guess she probably did lose respect for me since I did not have a life of my own outside of the family.
So as of right now I started going to church and taking my daughters on Sundays, picked up the guitar again, started reading, getting our shutters fixed in the front room (she always complained about them being broken), hitting the gym losing weight, and doing things without her. I have detached completely and never ask or talk about our relationship, everything is about our girls.
Sandi,
That helped me allot as well, thanks for posting. My story is too long to write separately (i've tried, but i ) but there are striking similarities to my situation except that mine is further along than SmokeyD's. Wish i would have found this site earlier.
Sandi,
That helped me allot as well, thanks for posting. My story is too long to write separately (i've tried, but i ) but there are striking similarities to my situation except that mine is further along than SmokeyD's. Wish i would have found this site earlier.
To keep from hijacking SmokeyD's thread, although my WAW did go to conselling, as Sandi pointed out, it was all about her. The words "no compromise" came out of her mouth quite a bit. Effectively with your wife not wanting to go to counseling, your result is the same.
Wife just texted and asked me she could come get the girls for tonight. I was supposed to have them until tomorrow but I guess she was missing them and probably feeling guilty. I will see them again on Wednesday night and Thursday. I am going out of town next weekend to see my 2 best friends from Kindergarten. Once I told them what I was going through they told me I needed to come for a visit ASAP!
Wife came to the door and initiated a side hug. I responded appropriately with giving one back and no talk about relationships, etc. I informed her our oldest was struggling with her allergies today and I told her I gave her allergy medicine. My daughter was playing the guitar when she arrived so I assume she took notice. I gave both my girls a hug, told them I loved them and that I would see them on Wednesday. I told my wife see ya later and out the door they went.
Since she moved out I always felt nervous every time I was going to see my wife. I was not sure what to say or how to act. This time I felt much more comfortable and tried to act like everything was normal. I must say I felt better and more confident which I attribute to this board! I am soo glad I found it!!!
I will be in the dark now until Wednesday afternoon when I will text my wife to let her know what time I will pick up the girls. Past practice would indicate I won't hear from her tonight or tomorrow however I will update.
Good job! Let me encourage all you newcomers to do whatever is necessary to heighten your self confidence. It is so very attractive and one of the traits that can begin drawing your spouse back into the relationship. I recommend making a list of the areas where you need some good old fashion confidence boosting. Then seek ways that will help you to improve. This helps all the areas of your life. If you don't like reading self-help books, you can read shorter pieces on the Internet.
I also recommend that you be extremely picky about the music you hear, the movies you watch, and the company you keep. Listen to music that inspires you and gets your blood pumping (or calms you down, whichever you need). Watch most any type of movie, except sad or love stories. Avoid people who are depressed, bitter, negative, etc. This is the time you must think about what is good & bad for
you. If you have become a person pleaser......stop it. Start pleasing yourself. Maybe that sounds self centered, however, I am saying things to help you during an extremely difficult period.
When you know you will see your W for kid swap or whatever, mentally prepare by talking to yourself in the mirror, listening to self help tapes, or whatever lifts your mood. People can effect their outcome by how prepared they go into it.
One thing that I see is a stumbling block for some LBH's, are the surprises that catch them totally unprepared. The W either says something that catches you off guard, or springs something on you. I suggest you learn a few backup phrases to get you through the moment, until the oxygen gets to your brain. If you have a habit of immediately giving her an answer, learn to relax and tell her you'll get back with her, or you'll think it over, etc.
Keep your free weekends full. When the kids are gone, always have something planned to GAL. Don't sit at home alone with your thoughts, regrets, and depression. And btw, if you have trouble sleeping or depression, see your doctor.
Although you desire to have your MR saved, this can be a time for you to enjoy some things you may not have again. You won't have to let someone know every step you make. You can be out and do whatever you choose......without checking with your W. You don't have to get approval, permission, or be home by a specific time. You won't have to deal with a bad mood when you go home.
.
You can download, free, information about the ... Look for ... and see if it sounds like you. If so, then please read through it. I've been here a long time and the majority of LBH's have the NGS. It is not the same as being a good man. You need to understand the difference. You know the old saying about nice guys finish last? Nice passive guys lose their W's respect. Passivity is not attractive in a man. So, please read about it and examine yourself.
Awesome stuff, I did some light reading this evening on NGS and simple changes I can make is by saying "no" more frequently and definitely having a life outside of my marriage. I spoke to my neighbor tonight who I am friends with and we made a pact to start golfing 1 day a month so that is a start!! If I am guilty of anything that would be something I fell victim of. I only wish I did not fall into that rut which got me here in the first place.
My self-confidence took a hit when my wife told me she was not physically attracted to me. A couple of weeks later she told me I looked good and noticed the weight I had lost (I also went out and bought some new clothes). I have always lifted weights and considered my-self in the 80% of shape for a 44 yr old so I never could have imagined she would not be attracted to me. I guess with women it is more mental. Anyway, my confidence is at an all time right after I lift weights (it is also a great avenue for working out my anger issues). Now that I have lost about 15 my confidence is coming back. I just need to figure out a way to show my confidence around her without seeming to eager.
Other than that went out with some friends this evening over to their pool had a barbecue and swam for a while. This would normally be something we would do as a family since our children play together however tonight I had to fly solo! Not sure what I will do tomorrow other than hit the gym, mow the yard and probably hit Barnes and Noble
. I have been invited out on the lake for boating/fireworks however I might just take it easy and hang around the house since this weekend I have been pretty active. A day of rest sounds nice.
Woke up this morning feeling good. Made some breakfast, going to have a couple cups of coffee then hit the gym. No contact from the Wife since yday when she picked up the kids. I forgot to pack my youngest D's ipad in her bag before she left so we shall see if she reaches out to me for it. It appears that my wife is practicing her own form of detachment as well since she doesn't call me either. Many of the posts I have read on here indicate there is more of a dialogue that exists between the couples. I assume that is not good in my situation however I can't control it so I won't worry about it. I guess we are playing a little but of chicken at this point in time so we will see how long it lasts until W gives in
.
Just journaling again......heading out for the day on the lake with some friends. Kid and wife free.....I must say, even though this has been hard it is kind of nice to have some peace and quiet with no one to worry about other than myself!!
No action on the wife front....she has the kids today and I have not spoke with them since yesterday when she picked them up. My next interaction should be tomorrow night after work.
This board/community has been a lifesaver for me and has offered great advice and helps me not feel alone with my struggles!
Thanks again!
Just got back from lake had a great day. Met up with some friends and there was a single lady there who is my age (43) that was asking about me. Total boost to the confidence, put it in my memory bank for later. Wife texted me earlier said she had to drop some stuff off. On the 4th of july? Really? I told her I was not home but she could drop off what she needed to.
In great spirits!
Woke up this morning feeling great. Will get my kids this evening so I will see my wife later on. Been thinking about the woman on the beach and if I should reach out to her. Since she is a friend of a friend it would be easy to get her number and text her to see if she wanted to get together for a drink some time this week. Not sure what to do. Advice? My Wife and I are still married, she has not mentioned the Divorce conversation since she moved out and we did not have the talk about seeing other people. On one hand I feel like it is acceptable because she was the one who moved out, told me she did not love me and was not physically attracted to me. However we are still married. All of the signs point to her having an affair but I have no proof. You can also tell by my journaling that she has not cracked yet and started to reach out to me.
Would love to get your opinions. Thanks!
It's good hear about you having a great day. It took me a while to figure out who determined if I had a good day, or not.
. I foolishly put that responsibility on other people, and discovered when leaving it up to someone else.......more than likely, I would have fewer good days. So, I realized I was in charge of my feelings, and although I couldn't control things that happened in a day, I could control how I responded to it. When I maintain that thought pattern, then I can face nuances, difficult people, etc., as a challenge. I try to challenge myself to control my attitude and responses, and I purposely do something to reboost my energy, or calm my soul. Why allow someone else the power to make our day good or bad?
That ^^^^^ may appear laughable to someone in your shoes. It doesn't take much for our spouses to change our mood. That's why I encourage you to have a plan for the days that are more challenging. You know, when you feel down, lonely, or a number of negative feelings. Have a reservoir of "Pick Me Ups" in the form of good books, motivational tapes, a running list of new things to try, etc. Sometimes, it takes work to have a good day.
I highly doubt that you are ready to date now. You might think you are and the thought of some female companionship probably clouds your thinking. Plus no healthy woman would want do date a guy that separated recently. Look into some of the advise (and 2x4) that was given EastTN in his thread.
The friend of a friend will still have this womans phone number in 6 or 12 months.
Yes, it would be for nothing else other than companionship. Certainly not ready for another relationship but definitely could hang out, have fun, etc.
I think I am advancing through this faster since my wife is also not having any contact with me. I do know for a fact that she is very good about detaching herself in any situation. Unfortunately she did not have the best childhood and her step-father crossed some boundaries. Her mom never divorced the man and through it I think my wife developed this ability to detach and not fully invest herself emotionally in any situation. Last year she also finally removed her mother from her life permanently after her mom accused of child neglect with our two children. She called CPS on us as well. Nothing could be farther from the truth but unfortunately we had to take our children down to their offices for them to investigate. My wife and just sat there and cried and could not believe her mother could do this. Needless to say her mom is nuts and was molested as a child so I know that probably still impacts her today. Just sad and unfortunate. My wife always told me I was her rock and she could never imagine me and the kids ever being part or not there for her. Maybe her priorities have changed since removing her mom from her life. Still not 100% sure how it can go from that to this.....sex was also very good. She told me multiple times it is the best she has ever had. Absolutely makes no sense.........
Wife texted me earlier this morning and asked if I was working today. I responded and told her "yes", why what's up? She asked when I was going to pick up our children tonight since it is my night to have them. I told her around 5 pm, got no response. It sounds like the single life in a 1000 sq ft apt with 2 kids is wearing on her a bit! Too funny......
Smokey, welcome to the boards! Your case is a bit unusual in that you were already mostly DBing before your first post, so nice work
Your GAL sounds fantastic, your ability to give your W time and space is really quite impressive for being so early in your sitch and your attitude is right where it needs to be. I'm just going to nick you a little on asking about contacting another woman, don't go there yet. I know you're saying it would just be a "friends" thing but I think if you dig deep inside you know you're hoping for more. It seems like an easy way to escape the hurt but all it does is make things MUCH more complicated. I started dating a year after BD and looking back I should have waited at least another year. I just wasn't emotionally ready even though I thought I was.
My self-confidence took a hit when my wife told me she was not physically attracted to me. A couple of weeks later she told me I looked good and noticed the weight I had lost (I also went out and bought some new clothes). I have always lifted weights and considered my-self in the 80% of shape for a 44 yr old so I never could have imagined she would not be attracted to me. I guess with women it is more mental.
Yes, especially with a WAW. You could frankly look like the statue of David and she'd still picture you as a sloth on the couch. Like Sandi said, it's all about respect. She lost her respect for you and sees you as physically unappealing. You're well on your way to turning that image around, but you do need to be patient. It's going to take her months or even a year or more before she can start seeing you as attractive again.
I just need to figure out a way to show my confidence around her without seeming to eager.
You do that by not "showing" her, but just by being confident all the time. She'll see it, others will see it and report that back to her. In fact when she hears it from others it will likely make a bigger impression.
Anyway, nice job overall, keep it up!
Stunned, thanks the first 2 or 3 weeks I was a mess so I didn't start DBing right away it took a bit. When she first told me I asked all the questions most everyone else would. I never did beg or plead though just asked to try and understand. I must say once she moved out it got much better and was easier to DB.
Your right, a easy way to escape the hurt. I will take the confidence boost though and file it away to make me stronger!
I do understand what got me into this situation and I know even though it might not work out with my current wife I have a better understanding what not to do going forward.
I also try to focus on what I can control and realize there might be an A going on even if I have no proof. I can't control it so I don't try to sweat it and I am not snooping.
To the physical attraction part: I agree with AnotherStander. My XW was packing my stuff and she asked if I would keep a jacket I haven't used in ages. I said it's probably too big for me (since I've lost about 24 pounds since BD and even gained muscle). She laughed and said it would certainly fit as I was thin a few years back. I'm actually about 20 pounds below that and I've gone below the weight I was when we first met...
They really can't see properly and still keep us very unattractive. So just forget it and make yourself even more attractive!
I agree, it is not a physical thing. W texted me earlier and said she was going to our neighbors house with the kids and I could pick them up there. It will be interesting to see if she sticks around and waits for me. I also need to take note if she goes into the house un-invited. She called me yday to drop some things off and I told her it was ok for her to go in. I can tell when she is there because the dishes have been done. I realize that I will need to set some boundaries with the house if it continues. I will walk in confident tonight and keep it light. Only conversations about drop off time tomorrow morning and location her apt or picking them up from the house. I also need to discuss Friday morning since I am leaving town for the weekend to see some of my buddies I would like to see my girls before I leave. Take them some doughnuts and chat for 30 min or so.
Went to neighbors, wife dropped them off and was not there. Even played my pump music on the way home to enhance my confidence. Wife told neighbor she had to run some errands and make some returns or something. I guess she didn't want to see me
(maybe someone else is playing some games). Knowing my wife she was probably frustrated having the kids all day and wanted to get away. She is known to do this.
Wife told neighbor she had to run some errands and make some returns or something. I guess she didn't want to see me
(maybe someone else is playing some games). Knowing my wife she was probably frustrated having the kids all day and wanted to get away. She is known to do this.
She's not playing games, she really doesn't want to see you. That will eventually lessen or even reverse, but get used to it for now because she's trying to put space between you two. This is going to be your "new normal" for quite a while.
Well I had a weak moment this morning when I dropped the kids off. I ended up going into her apt for coffee and everything was fine then she started probing about my weekend and about our relationship. I told her I felt good, was confident etc. and let her know some of things I had been doing. She told me what she had been up to but she also said she knows she still made the right choice by moving out Divorce, etc. We had some additional conversation about finances (she is changing her direct deposit into her own account) and our joint cell phone bill. There was no concrete discussion about sitting down and finalizing our divorce, etc. I am flying out of town this weekend to Nashville to see my friends and she offered to give me a ride which I declined. I said a few other things about our relationship that I probably should not have said and I made her cry when I told her that I knew her story and felt sorry for her. She really has no family and me/the kids where everything to her. She has cut off her mom/stepdad if you read my previous posts and she really has a small relationship with her real father.
Anyway....I had a weak moment. I had been so strong for 3 weeks and then caved. Does this happen from time to time?
Anyway....I had a weak moment. I had been so strong for 3 weeks and then caved. Does this happen from time to time?
SmokeyD,
It happens all the time. Don't worry about it.
Cool.... thanks. I had been doing so good I just got sucked in. She told me she was glad she had the conversation and I got sucked in. So mad at myself.....I even told her she is the mother of my children and she would always have a place in my heart. I violated every rule I had been following. I could tell she was fishing for information and I took the stinking bait! Why Why Why!
She was temperature checking to make sure you still belong to her so she can continue her A without fear of you moving the D along. It worked exactly as she had hoped.
Yeah.....I figured as much. Why did I take the bait. I was sooo weak!! At this point in time still continue to detach, move on, etc?
As punishment, you have to have a completely wild-@ss fun filled weekend.
AMEN....just so mad I failed the first test. I guess I just need to get back on the horse and start riding again. I guess on a positive note I was able to tell he some of the positive things I have going on in my life. I just have to continue to remind myself no more conversations!!!! UGGGH....I am so mad!
TxHubby all.......should I call her bluff and make arrangements to sit down with her and discuss our Divorce process with dividing things up, etc. I know it's a risk but she has been moved out for 3 weeks. Or do I just sit back, continue to detach and do nothing and vow to myself to never get sucked in again???
SmokeyD,
Stop ruminating and self-flagellating (flatulating is ok) and start building a wonderful life for yourself. And, if you start making a bunch of money, then please send some of it my way.
Lol...no doubt. I will just get back to grinding and following the rules. On the positive side I did get a chance to tell her some of things I had been doing so she knows I am out and about being a viable man not just sitting at home crying. I also told her I am confident and I know a thousand woman would want to be with a man like me. Maybe a little too arrogant/confident but accurate
.
TxHubby all.......should I call her bluff and make arrangements to sit down with her and discuss our Divorce process with dividing things up, etc. I know it's a risk but she has been moved out for 3 weeks. Or do I just sit back, continue to detach and do nothing and vow to myself to never get sucked in again???
If you want to save your M then no. Don't condescend to have R talks with a cheater. You're better than that. Ghost her. Start a massive GAL campaign and better your life. Pursue passions, get in shape, update your wardrobe, start planning and living life without her as if you were already divorced but don't bring it, or any R talk, up. Treat her like a neighbor you don't know that well that you're cordial with. Don't be moody, brooding, clingy, angry, etc. Avoid all negative emotions/displays. Keep convo's with her short, if you have to speak at all, and you always be the one to end the conversation and walk away. Be positive, confident, and happy about your life and your future.
Leave her to whatever seedy sleazy shenanigans she has going on. Not much of a bright future there. You don't have time for people like that. She's living a Jerry Springer Show life. You don't want to climb down to that level. Stay above it.
Do not tell her anything. Talk is cheap.
Show her with actions.
got it....done talking. Back on the horse.
TxHubby all.......should I call her bluff and make arrangements to sit down with her and discuss our Divorce process with dividing things up, etc. I know it's a risk but she has been moved out for 3 weeks. Or do I just sit back, continue to detach and do nothing and vow to myself to never get sucked in again???
D is not a tactic to get a WAW's attention! Do not push D unless it's what YOU want. Because chances are, if you push it she will be a more-than-willing participant.
cool thanks all...back on the horse. I will see her again tomorrow morning as I am going to bring my kids doughnuts and see them one last time before I leave for the weekend. I will be in my wife's apartment so I will listen to some Metallica on the way over and tell myself to not get sucked into any relationship talk back on the bus and moving forward!!
Hello SmokeyD,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
It sounds like your changes have been noticed, just difficult to believe at this point. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words. Don't take the bait next time she does a temperature check on you.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks I am learning and will move on. I did speak to her later this afternoon and I was upbeat, funny etc. She wanted to know if our D had basketball practice tonight. She was stuck in a restaurant because it was raining and she commented how she could not afford to take the kids to lunch due her budget. She picked an apt with $1700 a mth in rent so unfortunately she does not have a lot of spending money. I told her yeah that stinks then she made a comment about how the kids will not have a good Christmas this year. I just said it is' tough and left it at that. I will see her again tomorrow morning before I leave town for the weekend. I am stopping by her apt to see my kids and take them doughnuts. I will keep the conversation light and wear some new clothes!
She also asked to give me a ride to the airport tomorrow which I declined.
Hi everyone, back from my weekend get away with my two best friends. Not much has changed since she told me she wanted a D on Memorial Day......it has been 3 full weeks since she moved out. Contact still limited to only text messages about the kids, pick up and drop off times. I still have not been served with D papers however her heart has not softened yet. I am fully aware that there could also be an A going on however I still have no proof.
Last time I saw her and my kids was Friday morning before I left town. I stopped by her apt and brough my kids doughnuts. We had a cup of coffee she showed me some pics of what her and the kids have been doing and we also discussed finances. No relationship talk at all....I was there for a total of 30 mins or so. I will see them again tonight as I am picking up my kids after work. Will try to keep the conversation light!
I just got back from the gym so I am feeling good at the moment. The feelings still come in waves and I find the hardest time is when I have the kids not knowing what she is doing. I have made a couple of mistakes along the way with the DBing principals (a couple slip ups of relationship talks and still looking out for her) but overall I feel as though I have kept my distance, don't bother her at all with phone calls, etc. I know my emotions are still up and down however I am doing my best to live in the moment and realize that the person that my wife currently is is not the person I married. It is still hard to believe someone who I shared 16 years of my life with could be so cold and emotionless. I still think of the conversations we had a year ago about how I was her rock and she could not imagine her life without me and the kids and wonder how we got to this point. Unfortunately she offers no explanation for me to have an undersatnding of what I did wrong.
Oh BTW........I had some grey hair and my buddies talked me into dying it.......Just for Men just dropped 5 yrs off my life
!!!! Now that is a 180!!
it has been 3 full weeks since she moved out. Contact still limited to only text messages about the kids, pick up and drop off times. I still have not been served with D papers however her heart has not softened yet.
No, not after only 3 weeks of S. It's going to take much longer, six months or even a year or more before she really starts softening towards you. I know that's not good news but I want you to have realistic expectations.
No relationship talk at all....I was there for a total of 30 mins or so. I will see them again tonight as I am picking up my kids after work. Will try to keep the conversation light!
OK I'm going to nick you a little on this because...
but overall I feel as though I have kept my distance, don't bother her at all with phone calls, etc.
...it doesn't sound to me like you're keeping your distance. Believe me I know all too well the lure of trying to linger and chat with a WAS, but it is not helping. Try to create more space. Be a little more business-only with her.
I still think of the conversations we had a year ago about how I was her rock and she could not imagine her life without me and the kids and wonder how we got to this point.
Oh man, I KNOW!!!! My W did the same thing, about 6 months before BD she told me in tears I could not let anything happen to me because she could not live without me. 6 months later- nuclear bomb. It's been 5 years and I STILL don't get it!
Unfortunately she offers no explanation for me to have an undersatnding of what I did wrong.
Honestly, you may not have done anything wrong other than the typical "guy stuff" of not nurturing her enough in the M. We beat ourselves up after BD but a lot of the time BD has everything to do with the WAS and little to do with the LBS. Let go of that need to know, because there is no answer coming! She probably doesn't know why she did it herself.
Oh BTW........I had some grey hair and my buddies talked me into dying it.......Just for Men just dropped 5 yrs off my life
!!!! Now that is a 180!!
Hahaha! Mine turned silver which I like. My chest hair turned grey which I didn't like. So I shaved it all off, ha!
Ok got it, no more lingering. I can implement that. It has only happened a couple of times in the three weeks but I know she will want to talk to me tonight about my trip to Nashville. I will have a goal of 5 to 10 min in and out!
Just reached out to my wife to tell her I would pick the kids up at 5 tonight. She said ok and proceeded to text me 4 pictures of what her and the girls were doing along with a picture of her with them. Why??? She wants a D why include yourself in the picture and the little project you are working on?? Anyway, I will wait an hour or so and then respond with something like...looks fun. Geez.
Just reached out to my wife to tell her I would pick the kids up at 5 tonight. She said ok and proceeded to text me 4 pictures of what her and the girls were doing along with a picture of her with them. Why??? She wants a D why include yourself in the picture and the little project you are working on?? Anyway, I will wait an hour or so and then respond with something like...looks fun. Geez.
Hi SmokeyD,
Glad you had a fun weekend!
Good job on not taking the bait of her complaining about how little spending money she has available. She is trying to engage you in a conversation with no possible good outcome. Keep it up!
Do you need to respond to the texts/pics?
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Went and picked up my kids from the W. She met me at her apartment and commented on my hair since i dyed it and got rid of the grey. She said it made me look younger without an ounce of interest. We made small talk in the apartment for about 10 min while she packed up the kids bags. She asked me how my trip was and I kept it general, no details. She also asked me if I could watch the kids tomorrow as well said she needed a break. I told her I had plans tomorrow night but I did not tell her what and she did not ask. She then said nevermind and we got into the car together to drive to the pool to get the kids. They were playing pool inside the clubhouse so she introduced me to her friend and her friends kids and hung out there for about 10 mins. It was kinda of awkward with her friend there but I stood on the opposide of them and just chatted until the girls finished their game. I left and confirmed I would drop them off at 8 am tomorrow. I asked my girls if I should keep my hair and they said yes which mean I am now a Just for Men member.
Having no expectations is critical I guess I thought my wife would be more interested than what she was.
Anyway I felt good, strong and it's amazing how detached you can get when the other person is so cold and not interested.
She noticed the change, so it's a start. It will all come together enough. Which reminds me, I need to apply Just for Men on this beard of mine tonight. 😂
Good Morning everyone, wife texted me this morning and told me to text when I get to her apt or go on in if the gate was open. Gate was open so I went on in, knocked and she opened. My girls wanted to show me something they made yesterday with their mom so I went on in. Spent about 5 min in the apartment looking at what they made and had on general conversation with my wife.
Yesterday evening she texted me and asked if I could watch the girls last night and tonight (She said she needed a break......I bet it is kinda rough with an 8 and 6 yr old in a 1000 sq ft apt). I told her I could do it tonight because I had plans (I kept it general, no details). I told her I could on Thursday that I could just take them to the golf course with me. We did not discuss tonight this morning but I did offer to take them on Thursday which she declined, said we would just keep it the same. I said "ok", see ya later and out the door I went. I did not hang around, linger, chat or anything.
I felt she was a little softer this morning than yday......and I am sure she really wants a break but caught herself and changed her mind so she wouldn't show weakness.
I showed up confident with my new haircut, new shirt and my Raybands......it felt good. Now I will have NC until tomorrow afternoon when I get the girls.
Smokey, you sure have a lot of interactions with her. I understand you have to move the kids back and forth, but it's going to be hard for you to detach when you see her so much, and she's never going to learn to miss you. See if maybe you can cut back on that, and when you do go over maybe just drop the kids off at the door and leave instead of lingering.
Also, nearly every post you make is about your latest interaction with W. Maybe focus more on your GAL, tell us what you're doing away from W, things you're working on, what your goals are.
Stander...I am trying, I would have done that today if they didn't want to show me something they made. I tried to get out as quickly as I could.
GALS - In no particular order.
1. Took a trip last weekend to see my buddies in Nashville
2. Started golfing on Thursday nights
3. Dusted the guitar off the shelf and started playing it again.
4. Started taking my Daughters to church every Sunday
5. I got Trivia night tonight with some buddies at a local establishment.
6. Got back into the Gym, dropped 15 lbs so far. Went Monday morning and will hit again tonight after work for some cardio
7. Started reading as well, listening to self-help podcasts, etc.
8. Got some new threads, cologne and some male grooming products, lotions, eye cream etc. to help give me more confidence.
Smokey, been following your sitch. Just curious, is your W 43 or 53? Your signature says M: 44, W: 53. Elsewhere you've said she is 43. Typo?
don....typo 43 changed! Thanks.
I think I just got temp checked by the W.....I just got a random text message of our D's at the mall. Now, maybe she was just being nice however for someone wanting a D it seems not necessary. Either way I responded like 20 mins later......Looks like the girls are having fun, thanks for the pic.
I have trivia night tonight so I am looking forward to some GAL activities. I also went and bought a couple of new shirts over lunch. Look good, feel good, DB good!!
Smokey, your GAL sounds great, keep it up! When we come here we tend to talk about our sitch, so often our life sounds more spouse-centric than it really is, which is no doubt the case with you. Sounds like you're on the right track, well done
Thanks....man I am trying!!!! W just sent me another pic of our D's via text......I am not going to respond to this one. Again maybe she is just being nice but there is no reason for it. I am gone all weekend and don't hear from her once. I come back and it is text message, pic city. I think it is my new hair!
Thanks....man I am trying!!!! W just sent me another pic of our D's via text......I am not going to respond to this one. Again maybe she is just being nice but there is no reason for it. I am gone all weekend and don't hear from her once. I come back and it is text message, pic city. I think it is my new hair!
SmokeyD,
She is temperature checking you.
Have fun at trivia night, excellent GAL!
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Need some advice, I may have got some evidence of an affair. My mom came across some books that my wife has uploaded on goodreads titled 131 ways to talk dirty to your lover and Ethical Slut a practical guide to open relationships. Is this something I should ask my wife about or let it go?
Let it go. If you confront her on books she will deny and if she is doing anything she will take it underground. Just make a note and move on.
Ok...I will and I agree me confronting her will do more harm than good. I guess I need to get my emotions in check and process. I always new an A was very likely but I had no proof at this time there are too many smoking guns with her behavior to deny it at this time. I feel numb, angry but I guess not as bad off as I thought I would be. I have to remember that this person is no longer my loving wife and she has changed into a completely different person. I also need to decide how long I am willing to ride this out and if me having more information changes my mind and I initiate the D.
On the flip side trivia night was fun, we got 10th out of 20th place.
Smokey, if you can accept it as the worst, then the trickle truth you would likely get won't kill you. Only you can decide when you are done. Good job focusing on your silver lining for the evening.
Thanks.....it was hard after discovering. I don't understand why she would put something like that out there for everyone to see. I mean my mom and her are friends on Goodreads along with other family members. She is also a teacher also so really anyone could google it. On one hand I want to say something to her for her own protection not about an A just like dude you need to be careful but on the other hand I know it's not my responsibility any more. Why would she put that out there in a public forum?
Still processing this morning....I will see her this evening when I pick up my kids.
Need some advice, I may have got some evidence of an affair. My mom came across some books that my wife has uploaded on goodreads titled 131 ways to talk dirty to your lover and Ethical Slut a practical guide to open relationships. Is this something I should ask my wife about or let it go?
It's not really evidence of anything though, is it? It may be part of her fantasy affair, kind of like reading a romance novel. If she's having an A then you'll find out sooner or later even with no snooping. But if you push her about it, like OwnIt said she will just deny it and go deeper undercover with it.
Thanks guys, I appreciate it. I feel better about it this morning understanding that the possibility is real but nothing about my feelings have really changed. I know in time everything will be clear and I will know what decisions to make regarding how long I am willing to wait for my W vs cutting bait and filing for D myself.
Got temp checked again today, W sent me a pic of my girls and what they were doing. I responded by saying ha..that's cool, looks like they are having fun.
When she temp checks does that mean I am doing the right things or am I being too distant?
Picked up the girls from the wife tonight.......she came to the door and was all business like and not friendly. Much different this time then how she has been acting towards me before. Any advice what this means or is? All the other times she has been upbeat and friendly........could she be testing me to see how I respond?
Odd are that W realized she was being nice to you. And changed her behavior as she remembers she was mad at you. It happens, but W will be nice to you again like today never happened. If there is OM, then she may have been talking or with him. Which means being nice to you in her mind means being unloyal to him.
Cool.....i won't ready anything into. It just made me wonder if the strategy is working or if I needed to change something. Anyway just got back from my daughters basketball practice and hanging out with both kids watching a movie! Good bonding time!!
Dropped the girls off this morning and the W still appeared colder than normal. Based on her actions prior to moving out, the books she has been reading and her recent colder than normal actions towards me I am pretty certain there is OM. Truthfully, right now, I feel ok with that. I don't feel myself stressing over it. I feel secure in who I am as a man, what a provided to our relationship and I know our sex was great (according to her the best she ever had :)). I guess now I really need to analyze if I continue down this path of NC, detaching, etc. or if I just cut bait and move on because I know I am a great guy, good job, etc. I deserve better than this. Decisions, decisions.
On a side note I had a great time with my D's last night. We watched Baby Boss, that was funny! I will hit the gym tonight after work and maybe go hit some golf balls afterwards. Outside of that I have IC tomorrow afternoon and will have my girls all weekend. Looking forward to some fun activities!
Dropped the girls off this morning and the W still appeared colder than normal. Based on her actions prior to moving out, the books she has been reading and her recent colder than normal actions towards me I am pretty certain there is OM.
Ah yes. Get used to it man, we call it the "Ice Princess" effect. It's very typical for WASs to run hot and cold. But mostly cold. There are a few reasons for it, one is they don't want to "give you the wrong impression." So it's best to act all cold and indifferent rather than risk making you think there's a shred of hope by saying something nice to you. The other is once on their own they start to realize that the swinging single life they craved isn't filled with unicorns and rainbows after all. And whose fault is it all anyway? The LBS of course! So you become the focus of their anger. I used to post this a lot:
Not Detached:
W happy = you happy
W mad = you mad
W sad = you sad
W angry = you angry
Detached:
W happy = you happy
W mad = you happy
W sad = you happy
W angry = you happy
So detach. Don't let your W's hot and cold stuff affect your disposition! That's her problem, not yours!
Thanks Stander I agree......the funny thing is that every day I have seen her this week I have showed up with a new shirt on, my Raybans and 20 lbs lighter. She has to notice so I wonder if that is getting to her as well. It's just kind of funny to watch. Not to mention my new haircut............
Thanks Stander I agree......the funny thing is that every day I have seen her this week I have showed up with a new shirt on, my Raybans and 20 lbs lighter. She has to notice so I wonder if that is getting to her as well. It's just kind of funny to watch. Not to mention my new haircut............
Of course it gets to her, how dare you look awesome when you should be at home in the corner weeping uncontrollably!! And don't even think about getting your own life, that would be outrageous and unacceptable!
Keep it up, she'll start missing you eventually!
Hey Smokey, I am going to copy & paste your post from Tread's thread.
We were talking about gaining respect and how WW's manipulate.
First, I want everyone to understand the subject matter here, is really not about the children. I know LBS parents are highly sensitive to everything surrounding their kids. In fact, most fathers step it up a couple of notches, b/c of feeling they are missing out half of their children's lives. So, I am not here telling dads to refuse the opportunity to be with their kids........although some may think so, after reading this post.
Easy-going, nice guys get taken advantage of by women. When a woman can constantly take advantage of a man........she will lose any attraction that, perhaps, was originally there. Not only attraction, but she will lose respect for him. Thus, the saying, "Nice guys finish last", I suppose. It's very difficult for nice guys to really
get why females are this way. It's not just females, either.
Since you are S, your W will not likely reach out to you unless there is something she needs you to do for her. It's not for the kids, it's for her! Cold facts, but true.
Do you have a parenting schedule? Is this a day-to-day, see what happens type of thing, or is written out who has the children on what days?
Sure! I think it works best when the parents can be cooperative and exchange days. And some dads may say they never feel taken advantage of by keeping their children. But stick with me a second and have an open mind. What LBH on this board has the nerve to say he doesn't want his kids to stay with him? I've yet to see one! So, anyway, let's get past the part of being the World's #1 Dad, and talk about how your WW is using you, and how it works against gaining respect.
You want to know how to gain some respect. Start with not "being there" so easily. Nice guys are
always there. They often introduce themselves in the initial post by describing how they were always there for the W. I think you said that about yourself. Don't get me wrong, it's an honorable thing for a H to be there for his W...............as long as he is being respected, and some of that same quality is given back to him. When a W removes herself from the MR, that sends a message of, "I don't want you around me". Okay, then don't be so available after she splits. You have a life, other than waiting for her to call with whatever you can do to make her day better. When she "needs a break", your life is filled with exciting plans that cannot be canceled. If it is work related, or something she's had planned well in advance.....and it works into your schedule, sure, take the kids if you want. That is being cooperative. Btw, is she cooperative, too? I mean, has she ever kept the kids on some of your "days" scheduled? If not, then things are well out of balance, and she is taking advantage of you. I see her cutting the time short on your scheduled day, and you say it's okay and she probably missed seeing them. That is nice-guy thinking. It really doesn't matter if you don't care that she's taking advantage, b/c nice guys tell themselves that type of b.s. all the time. If you want to gain some respect, you have to stop letting her use you. Just don't be so handy. You don't have to have a GAL excuse, b/c you can practice saying "no", if you want to see how it feels. But having GAL plans works toward your good in other ways too. I've seen her tempt checking you, so not being so available has a lot of good points. I've always said the WW should feel concerned that she is freeing her H for the open market. How concerned do you think she is about losing you? B/c being S is not losing you. She tempt checks to see if you are still in the palm of her hand, and then she feels comfortable in going about her wayward lifestyle.
The other night she tried to get me to change our schedule because she needed a break......she ended up changing her mind but I told her I couldn't do it because I already had plans. I can see this getting more frequent when school starts.
That's fine.......and you should not feel guilty about it. At some point, she may try to use the guilt card, ("The kids really wanted to stay with you tonight"), but you know you are good dad.......and you know your W takes advantage for her own benefit. You want respect? Change your thinking!
Thanks Sandi...the current schedule is that I have them on Wednesday nights and the weekends. If I don't take them on the weekends then I won't have much time with them at all. When school starts we discussed 50/50 time from Wed to Wed.
She has not reached to me period unless it is to send me pictures of the girls and what they are currently doing. I usually respond to the text by saying "looks fun" or something like that. Today she sent something regarding a birthday party my youngest will be attending and I just responded by saying "k". Are you advocating not even responding to texts as well? It is never about the relationship just me acknowledging.
I was actually proud of myself for telling her "no" on Tuesday that I have plans. It was hard for me to do! I do understand about taking the girls away during my time. I need to practice being more difficult to deal with. I guess I thought I was doing well by not contacting her for anything but I guess there is more I can do.
W still has her debt card for our joint account. It looks like she used it the other day to make a purchase for our daughters. Nothing major roughly $23.00. She has opened up her own account that her check get deposited in so at this point in time she has her money and I have mine. Any advice on how to handle the situation? She didn't ask and didn't say anything to me. Since she is a school teacher and is off for the summer she does have them all day so I assume she is short on money and I did not give her any extra money from my paychecks to supplement. I assume I am being too nice
Well.....I gave in again today and did some more snooping on our wireless account. Wife has pictures of herself in short shorts, t-shirt posing on her bed in front of a mirror....she also appears to have some messenger on her phone that she could be using to communicate to men. Again not a 100% smoking gun but everything continues to add up. I did sign up with a DB coach today for more guidance but I really don't know how much more of this I can take. She has not brought up the D word but it's obvious this ain't changing any time soon and I am starting to loose my desire to continue. Still no contact.....will se her tonight when I pick up my kids for the weekend.
Regarding the W to W 50-50 split, my kids were older than yours when we S'd but we tried a mid-week handoff at first and we didn't like it and neither did the kids. We ended up switching to a Sunday evening handoff and never looked back. It went a lot smoother. Kids often have homework during the week but rarely over the weekends, so it was just a lot easier to keep track of that. The handoffs were much more leisurely too, no rushing around trying to get stuff packed up to make the move.
Any advice on how to handle the situation?
Close the joint account!
Had my first coaching session today with Leni.......it was productive. I walked away with understanding that my W is in a MLC and that I need to continue doing what I have been along with trying suggest activities for my W and kids/I to participate together and also follow the lighthouse story along with trying to be friends. The coach said my situation was certainly not lost and seemed encouraged that my W was not pushing for a D. We also discussed some Do's and Don'ts which definately align with what I have not been doing the pursuing, calling etc.
My W texted me earlier today and told me she was struggling with our D's today and that she needed a break. This might have been the wrong thing to do in some people's view but I told her she was a good fing mom and I gave her $100. She didn't want to take it at first but I told her she had been very active with the girls this summer and I wanted to contribute. She took the money then started to cry.
Not sure what that means other than she probably appreciated it and will have fun with the OM tonight!
I did ask the DB coach on whether or not giving her money was acceptable and she had no problem with it since I was giving her money for the entertainment my W has provided my kids this summer.
So you basically just gave W money for her to have a nice romantic dinner with OM? Let your W provide the entertainment when she has them. Let her get used to doing things on one income.
True....I get it. Live and learn.....still working on the getting out of the me supporting her mode. I think I have done everything else good with the not contacting her, no relationship talk, etc. but still have some work to do in other areas.
Anyway.....spent about 1.5 hrs with the W today at our D's basketball games. I thought I was upbeat and we joked with each other. No relationship talk or anything came up and most of the conversation was centered around our D's. I did ask jer if she was ready for school to start and she said she was. At one point she made a joke and hit her elbow and she said don't do that and then said no i am just kidding. It wasn't planned it as just my reaction but obviously she didn't like it....oh well. She still seems to be wound pretty tight with her emotions and does not give me an inch. She also mentioned to me that she told our D's b-ball coach last week that to take it easy on her because if she seems distracted it is because we are going through a D.
Even though I do not have any papers yet I do feel as though my W is not going to change her mind no matter what I do. It is hard to do a 180 when she doesn't tell you what you need to work on. I guess I am just feeling a little down today and even though it has only been 1 mth into our separation I know this is not going to end soon. At this point I don't think she wants to view me in a different light no matter what I do.She shows no interest anything to do with me. It just hurts.
I have my D's all weekend so we will go swimming this afternoon, hit church tomorrow morning and probably out to the lake on Sunday. I hope you all have a great day.
Don't worry about it, no one is expecting you to back away from wanting to take care of your W in a day. My W came home the other night with her foot sore and could barely walk on it. So what do I do? I come in with ice and pills for her to take. And getting a comfortable pillow for her to rest her foot on. Naturally I want to take care of her like I've always done. But afterwards, I felt foolish for doing so. My mentality probably should have been "Let OM handle that foot if he so great." Which he honestly won't.
Ok I dont feel so bad then!! I came across a great website called good guys to great men that has helped me out the last couple of days. It helped me be more confident about who I am as a person, man and what I bring to the table. I am really starting to accept that I did nothing wrong in this relationship and all of the problems are with her. I am also starting to believe that she does not deserve a man like me. Do I want my marriage to work, yes but I if my wife wants to come back then she will have to understand and accept that we are not going back to the way it was before. She will also have to realize that if she can't provide me with what I need then I am out.
Anyway.....I do realize that no contact is the best method and continuing to work on myself is the only option. I don't want to be too caught up with analyzing every move of hers and mine. It is to exhausting and at the end of the day it doesn't mean anything. Game playing about responding or not responding to text's etc. If she loves me and wants to be with me then she will come back....if she doesn't then good ridence.
I feel like we get caught up in the game of she has to feel like you have moved on. Have any of us really? If we did then we would file for D and if that ain't happening then the H or W knows that your still around and you have not completely moved on.
Anyway...thats my rant for the day. I just need to continue to keep this momentum up because it does feel liberating!
Thanks for reading.
Not much new on my sitch. Took my girls to church yday morning and then rock climbing in the afternoon. Exchanged a few text messages with the W and sent her a few videos of the girls climbing. It has been 1.5 mths since BD and 1 mth since she moved out. Still no D papers and no talks about our relationship, where we are going, etc. I think being in limbo is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is much harder when I have my girls because I wonder what the W is doing with her free time. I have found getting past that has been the hardest part. The other hard part is not snooping........
I struggle with the same thing. When I have my D I am consumed by what is W doing. Then I remind myself that I have chosen to be in the this place of limbo, I could end it if that was the path I wanted to take.
By torturing myself over what my W could be doing I realize I am putting up resistance against the universe/God's path. It is one of the lessons that I think all of us on here have to learn before the opportunity for R will present itself.
I have an email dialogue going with a coach and he wrote this to me the other day...maybe you can find some peace in what he said.
"The ego always operates out of self interest. Protection. Reaction.
The higher self always observes. There is no reaction in observation. Only being. Presence.
Judgement, revenge, anger, emotion - all part of ego.
Love, acceptance, calmness, presence, steady-ness - all part of higher consciousness
The more you can let things go and let things be, the faster your spiritual growth in this area.
Release - have a loose hand. Let the Universe have some room to guide. EVEN if it hurts."
Thanks Dude...that is cool. I appreciate you sharing, I will post this on my bathroom mirror to review each morning
Nothing new with my sitch. I did not hear from my W yesterday outside of her responding to an email I sent her reminding her that our D had basketball practice last night. I sent her a text message this morning asking her if she could stop by the house and pick up our other D's Thyroid meds because I forgot to pack them. In my text I told her I had put them in the mailbox. No response.
She is probably mad at me for some reason......I took our D's rock climbing on Sun and sent her some videos of it. The first time we had ever done so.......maybe that got her thinking.
Anyway I went to the gym last night and then came home to listen to some motivational Tony Robbins speeches. Will hit the gym again tonight and probably finish up watching House of Cards. Emotions are still up and down but I do feel like I am making progress personally even though it is very slow going.
Still no word from my W on D....our D's are in soccer camp this week from 8:30 to 11:30 so we will see if she has time this week to consult with a L since before her excuse was money.
So why never responded to my miss or call text message this am. Part of me wants to call her and WTF? Why didn't you respond. However that would not be detaching correct? That would mean her actions still controlled my emotions?
Even though I do not have any papers yet I do feel as though my W is not going to change her mind no matter what I do.
She won't, for now. Is there anything you've read here or in the books to make you think otherwise? This is indeed a marathon just like we keep saying. This needs more patience then you've ever had for anything in your life.
I took our D's rock climbing on Sun and sent her some videos of it.
Why? Are you looking for excuses to contact her? Just stop it, give her time and space and DETACH. Detached = you take the kids rock climbing and have a blast and never even think about contacting your W.
Still no word from my W on D....our D's are in soccer camp this week from 8:30 to 11:30 so we will see if she has time this week to consult with a L since before her excuse was money.
Quit obsessing over the D papers! Get out, GAL. Work on yourself. If the papers come then deal with it. But don't be surprised if they don't. If you can remove the pressure from her she will likely just keep postponing it.
True Stander, thanks. I feel like I am doing good with GALing but I am struggling with what to do differently, like from a 180. I really don't know how my wife views me in her eyes however I think some of it stems from me being a little depressed over the past year, gaining some weight and not taking care of myself as much. She always complained about our dogs, not having wood floors in the house and we needed to get our shutters fixed. My wife is the creative person in our family, she is constantly trying new things from attempting to write a short story, creating her own photography business, etc. none of which mounted to anything but it was the exercise of doing it that she enjoyed. I am not wired that way, I enjoy sports, being outside, yard work, being active, etc. I am laid back person so a 180 for me could be being more aggressive, opinionated, things like that. Hard for her to see some this since she has moved out. I guess I don't necessarily know where to start. I hope that makes sense.
Would putting in wood floors and getting rid of the dogs be a 180 or is that just sucking/being too obvious? Technically it would be a 180 since I told her we didn't need the floors and I couldn't get rid of our dogs. Obviously she didn't leave for these reasons but they (at least the dogs were probably catalysts).
It sounds like you didn't listen to your w or if you did, you didn't take her seriously. How can you do a 180 on that? Floors and dogs are big acts so maybe start with some smaller things or better yet, try really listening to others. Do this for you to become a better person for yourself and all your relationships.
Wow,
My WAW wanted the carpets upstairs replaced by hardwood floors while we were trying to work it out too. I must admit that when she initially asked, I was going to "compromise" by doing it, but when she then started talking about divorce, so i shifted my stance by refusing to put any additional money into the house to raise the value we'd have to split.
As Gordie points out, only do it right now if you want to do it. If it helps the sitch, perhaps do the hardwood flooring, but keep the dogs (nothing like the love of a dog you know). It'd be a win because it be easier to clean up any dog hair off of wood floors vs carpet...
She had been nagging on me about the carpet and dogs before she to me she wanted a D. I know those are big things but if my W was feeling trapped and those things were stressors in her life would it be wise for me to eliminate them or would that be too obvious? The other things she had complained about I have rectified, lost 20 lbs, bought new clothes, got new underwear :), not wearing the same t-shirt more than once, etc.
On the other hand I had a good night last night, my neighbor came over for about 3 hours. We had a glass of bourbon and talked about life, my goals and what my purpose is. The W sent me text picture of our girls eating ice cream around 8 pm but I didn't respond. It seemed like a temperature test (obviously she was thinking of me) and my neighbor was over so I was busy GALing.
See it as a victory that you didn't receive divorce papers. The longer she takes to do it the more she is still deciding.
As to renovations. It made me think of a conversation my W and I had. She said a month or so ago how the master bedroom didn't feel like her room anymore. I suggested we could change it and she seemed relieved. Maybe what our Ws are saying here is that a change in scenery would be a good thing. My W. talked about other renovations and painting the wall and maybe rearranging furniture and buying some new ones. This may actually be something to consider doing.
And if she asks just say: you know what you have been trying to get me to do this for years and I regret I didn't do it sooner but I just wanted to do it now because even though we are not together at this moment I want to respect that this was important to you.
I think what is happening here is that we as men sometimes make promises that we don't keep. It's not that we cannot do something. But our Ws are upset that we say we will do it but we don't come through.
So if you have a tendency to do that maybe actually doing this will be a good thing. Just don't say it too obvious. If she asks I think acknowledging that you didn't live up to your promise from years ago might be a validation to her. Don't go into debt for these things either of course.
I never promised her to do it, the floors were something that she wanted and I didn't pursue it because of money. I didn't put the same level of importance on it that she did. Same with the dogs, we have had them for 14 years (since we first got married) but she got to the point to where she didn't want them any more. I really am tired of them as well however they are old and the only option I could see would be just putting them down even though they are healthy. They probably only have a couple years max left anyway and most people don't want to adopt old pets.
Again I know these are big things but doing them would be a 180 along with some of the other personal things that I am aware of that I already have addressed.