A little background, We've been together for 5 years been married for 2 1/2. About 2 years ago we started the process of IVF (I had Cancer in 2008) the 2nd attempt she was pregnant but miscarried at 7 weeks. In Feb of this year we tried a fourth time, she was pregnant with twins but again lost the babies at 10 weeks. We both were devastated holding each other and crying. about 10 days after that we were taking a shower and she brought up she wanted to lose some weight and she said 135lbs is what shes wanted to get to and I said (like a fool) oh ok I was thinking 130 she gave me a look and i said well you have gained 50lbs since we've been together. The next day she was very quiet sitting at the table so I asked her what was wrong she started crying and said I really hurt with that comment. I started to feel horrible and started to hold her and tell her how sorry I was and I didnt meant to up set her. a week later I sent her and email asking her if everything was ok cause the past couple days she hardly spoke to me. She then hit me with the I need space, I feel like your not attracted to me i feel you take me for granted. So again I started to apologies. that weekend she went to her folks on Sat morning and didnt get home till 10 that night. again very cold and not talking, so i asked her "do you not want to be around me anymore" She said no i dont and then started going into how shes not happy and thinks we arent connecting anymore, so I kinda got defensive and she didnt like that so she left and slept on the couch. I had a fishing trip planned with a buddy that monday I could tell she was very cold still and I said Im not gonna go but she said no you need to go. i asked if my buddy not go and she comes with me so we could get away and work on things and being very cold she said no i dont want do that. So respecting her wishes I reluctantly went. We texted some while i was there but all her responses were VERY short, i knew she was not happy. When I got home walking past her car I saw she had it packed full of stuff, I went inside and she said shes leaving and shes not coming back. I asked her if we could talk to a counselor she said no. i asked what I can do to change her mind she said nothin shes not in love with me anymore. The next few days I texted her several times explaining how badly I want this to work and im not giving up on her, a few times she replied how sorry she is about this. 2 days after she left I started reading and finally had an awaking realizing I had been neglecting her Love language for a while by not being and compassionate and intimate as i once was. So i told her my new found discovery and she said that is why but she feels its tto far gone and she has no hard feelings but she hopes we can be civil through this process. I was blown away about how quickly it felt it went from things going great to her leaving. She cam to the house 8 days after she left to "discuss where we go from here" she again said she wants a divorce and shes not in love with me and she doesn't want to try because shes been having resentment about my lack of compassion for about 2 years now. i told her I wasn't giving up and she said im waiting my time that she knows herself and she she feels this way she wont get the feeling back. I've been texting her everyday about what im willing to change and how I think of how right we are for each other. We NEVER fought we hardly ever argued during our entire relationship. She said she said something about my lack of intimacy ONE Time about 1 1/2 years ago and said I gave her the cold shoulder which I do remember but i figured the problem had gotten better cause nothing was said ever again. Im at a loss she does not respond to any text i send and shes dead set on this is over she said shes moving her stuff out next week and doesn't want me home when she does cause it would make it harder on her. Any advice on what i should do now? should I stop contacting her? Any chance she can still have a change of heart?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sorry to hear what your going through. You need to stop texting and calling immediately. That's just going to push your W farther away.
Only do so when you absolutely need to. I'm going to be honest when I say I believe your W maybe having an A. Nobody just ups and leaves over one comment. If she claims to want space, then let her have it. And focus on yourself. You too have lost children and should focus on getting through that. Trust me when you stop calling your W will suddenly wonder why and will come to you. Get counselling and GAL, trust me it does wonders.
Hi Stunned,
Sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad you've found a safe place here. There are lots of very wise veterans on this site. Post often and you'll get more feedback, plus it will help keep your posts toward the front of the board. Also, read others' threads. Lots to learn from other people's triumphs as well as our mistakes! Hang in there!
It's hard to believe she might be having an A just for the fact she just miscarried a month ago. She moved back To her folks house and her step mom and basically saying to her if you're not happy don't stay, so she has plenty of support with her family to justify her leaving.
Another thing I find odd, the day after she left I was texting her just a simple goodnight text and she said goodnight as well and than said she's really sorry for all of this. That REALLY thru me off. She's said that a few different times and also said she has no hard feelings?? Really? No hard feelings??
Oh no. I'm so sorry for your situation. My only advice. Listen to the veterans in here. They know what they are talking about. And take care of yourself. I sending you hugs.
I'm thinking going dark is probably best for the near future cause obviously what I was doing didn't work so time to do a 180.
It's hard to believe she might be having an A just for the fact she just miscarried a month ago.
Do you know what happens to a woman after a miscarriage?
This is not hard to believe at all.
She likely feels incredibly depressed, hormonally horrible and very guilty.
Yes giving her space is likely a very good idea.
So which part is it hard to believe? All of it or that she might be having A?
So which part is it hard to believe?
All of it or that she might be having A?
That she might not be acting like herself.
So all of the above.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Not hard to believe i meant
Not hard to believe i meant
I will stick with my same answer, no matter what she says,
it is not something to be believed.
So basically she really needs time and I really need to back away and give it to her
So basically she really needs time and I really need to back away and give it to her
Yes, time is going to help.
Reading the links I gave you will also help.
Well the W already switched her phone off of my plan and started her own.
So basically she really needs time and I really need to back away and give it to her
Hello Stunned,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
What was your marriage like before the IVF treatments and miscarriages? These can be enormously difficult times, especially without professional help.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Our relationship was very good,from my perspective, we have always been very close. We never fought and rarely argued, she just told me that she holds all her emotions inside and hides them well.
It's hard to believe she might be having an A just for the fact she just miscarried a month ago. She moved back To her folks house and her step mom and basically saying to her if you're not happy don't stay, so she has plenty of support with her family to justify her leaving.
I don't think an affair is happening. Affairs are frequent in Mid Life Crises, but this doesn't sound like a mid life crisis.
To ME, it sounds as if your wife was self conscious (depressed?) about her weight gain, she did not feel sexually very desirable to you, which she expressed to you
and she probably connected the weight gain to your lack of desire.
Her "only saying it once" does not mean it no longer mattered. That type of questioning comment - "you don't want me?" is
incredibly hard to ask someone, risking making her very vulnerable to have asked, and if things did not change, then it ate away at her.
Then when she could not carry a baby full term it further eroded her sense of womanhood and femininity and with the comment you made about her needing to lose more weight than her goal, (which my guess is, was a disguised cry for reassurance from you,)
instead you made the weight comment and it triggered a flood of emotions in her.
I'm not saying you're a horrible h, okay? We are all human.
I'm just reacting to what you wrote and my own life experience, and lessons here. A woman who has gained a fair amount of weight, who tells her h she does not feel his interest in her is the same, sees no change, then cannot carry a baby full term and miscarries several times,
is Depressed.
Was she on hormones for the IVF treatments?
What are you working on, in yourself? I mean you do have to keep busy and heal
and I hope you will talk to an IC.
For your sanity, your well being and to grow into the man you want to become.
what's your relationship like with her family? I find it unusual that a parent would encourage their child to divorce so fast, without exploring a lot more in depth.
You were in a fertility program until just weeks ago, so this stepmom is "Fine" with your w throwing in the towel?
I repeat, no I do not think a woman in an IVF program (4 tries) and who miscarried twins a month ago, is having an affair - and if she has/is, that's a new one on me. (*Even with the wildly fluctuating hormones and potential mood swings, it would be physically at odds with pregnancy).
Still, there is something missing in your narrative. As if ALL WAS FINE except for one tiny comment you made and then poof, she's out and she's done and her family is fine with it. The hormones can make wildly dramatic huge mood swings but they would know that or
What do you think your wife would say if she were here?
Honestly I was in my foolish head just trying to get her to set a higher goal. I should've just supported her goal and been done with it. What I'm working on in myself is to show her often how much I cherish her. I'm working on making sure I only says things that would lift her up and cut out the dumb comments that make her think I'm insensitive. I'm also working on changing the way I handle discussions that make me feel like she's attacking me when she's really just trying to tell me how she feels at the time.
Yes she was on a tremendous amount of hormones, mostly estrogen and progesterone for the past two years and when she stopped them her hormones were all outta whack for a while before this last time we tried.
Honestly we never fought, we argued from time to time but usually small things. Like I said she told me just last week that she's been resenting me for 2 years cause she felt like the intimacy was lacking and that I wasn't as compassionate as she felt I should've been and during her treatments she said she felt I didn't show her as much compassion as she wanted. Everyday I came home from work I always made sure to give her a kiss, I always held her hand when walking places or in the car driving. Always kissed her goodnight with a I love you. She felt that she initiated sex more than I did which maybe she did but I didn't as much cause maybe I didn't want to be rejected. She wanted more passion and in her words wants a love like the movie the notebook.
I'm 36 and she 32 and before our relationship she's never had one longer than a year so I dunno maybe she expects the honeymoon phase to last a lifetime. Maybe the intimacy dropped off some and I didn't show her or tell her as often how much I cared and cherished but like I should've.
what's your relationship like with her family? I find it unusual that a parent would encourage their child to divorce so fast, without exploring a lot more in dept. The hormones can make wildly dramatic huge mood swings but they would know that or
What do you think your wife would say if she were here?
Her step mom sent me a card and it said "I don't give my kids advice on there private life I only listen. The only advice I could give her is when you're crying more than you're smiling that's not a good place to be mentally. You cannot teach someone how to act or feel. you cant teach affection or compassion, you might feel it on your heart but some people don't know how to show it. I have no hard feelings for you and I wish you all the happiness in the world."
I asked her the first time we were talking about this if maybe its her hormones getting her as upset about this as she is. She said No and that she had been feeling this way for a while. It's just hard for me to see ending a marriage because of this, but that's me and I know women run off emotions and if this is truly how she feels RIGHT NOW than in her mind THIS is how she feels and she cant see her love for me through her hurt and anger. Do you think that with some time she could possibly see things in a different light once the anger and hurt has subsided.
For instance when a W feels like you neglected her feelings and says she loves you but not in love with you anymore. I probably don't really want to know cause its probably a small amount that actually do come back. I try reading all the success stories but some days those deflated negative feelings over come you. And even tho its only been 2 weeks since the W left I feel as if shes slipping farther away each passing day.
Hi Stunned. Tell us your story.
Hi Stunned. Tell us your story.
This is why it is best to stick to one thread so sandi2 can see all your posts.
I have merged your threads together.
Stick to one until 100 posts.
Stunned,
I agree with others here -- I don't think this has all that much to do with you quite frankly. I think your W was feeling bad about herself for gaining 50 pounds, then felt even worse about the miscarriages. It's no fun to feel bad about yourself, or to feel "not good enough". It's much easier to feed bad about someone else, or to have a lightning rod to offload your feelings of inadequacy, a target for your anger that is not you.
When you made the comment about her weight, I believe she viewed that as an "escape valve" to make you the bad guy so she could stop beating herself up. If you're "doing this to her" versus her having a shortcoming, then she can get mad at you and focus on you and how you've wronged her versus processing her own issues -- that's a MUCH easier thing to do.
If you agree that you may be a scapegoat here, then your best bet is not to play into it. If you apologize and chase her around, you're reinforcing that you've done something wrong.
If instead you take a "I'm sorry you feel that way" attitude, be happy and upbeat and live the best life you can live, you will refute her belief that you're the "bad one" and eventually the veil will have to lift.
Your best plan for getting her back is to make a beeline in the opposite direction. Be nice, be polite, but don't pursue her even a little bit, and don't apologize. Be "the best choice" by being happy and confident.
Acc
In my mind I have felt like I've been treated like a scapegoat but after her saying all the things she felt I was not doing she led me to believe I had wronged her for so long. Should I of been more compassionate? Absolutely, should I of out her feelings I front of mine of course. So thank you for helping me feel better about myself and not feeling like I am the worse husband in the world. Unfortunately it still doesn't bring back my wife, which is still my main priority
In my mind I have felt like I've been treated like a scapegoat but after her saying all the things she felt I was not doing she led me to believe I had wronged her for so long. Should I of been more compassionate? Absolutely, should I of out her feelings I front of mine of course. So thank you for helping me feel better about myself and not feeling like I am the worse husband in the world. Unfortunately it still doesn't bring back my wife, which is still my main priority
I understand that -- if you wanted to come up with a laundry list of things that *she* has done wrong in your marriage I'll bet you could do that pretty easily too right? That's life, that's how relationships work.
What I can tell you with 100% absolute certainty is that pursuing your wife, apologizing to her, or trying to demonstrate changes now for her benefit will not bring her back.
I guarantee you that 100%. You can read thousands of stories on this site and see that.
Your brain will tell you that is what you should do, but your brain is wrong.
If you want her back, give her space, give her *more* space than she is asking for.
You might think that is the worst thing to do, and I'm telling you it's the least worst thing to do.
There is no good answer here, it's not within your control -- you can't will her to feel what you want her to feel no matter how you try.
Think back to high school -- if you chased a girl around offering gifts and compliments did that ever work? What if you were mysterious, confident and aloof? Which one is attractive?
Acc
I'm so confused cause the whole reason she said she wasn't happy was because I wasn't as compassionate and sensitive to her feelings as she wanted. So it just seems so wrong to be insensitive and just leave her alone? But I've been pursuing for the first 10 days and all it did was her coming over to tell me she does want a divorce. So maybe I was going by it all wrong
I'm so confused cause the whole reason she said she wasn't happy was because I wasn't as compassionate and sensitive to her feelings as she wanted.
Well rule #1 is to believe nothing she says.
Yes stop pursuing her.
I came home today noticed she had taken more stuff out, so I guess she's following through. I'm freakin out now cause it's making it a so real
I'm so confused cause the whole reason she said she wasn't happy was because I wasn't as compassionate and sensitive to her feelings as she wanted. So it just seems so wrong to be insensitive and just leave her alone? But I've been pursuing for the first 10 days and all it did was her coming over to tell me she does want a divorce. So maybe I was going by it all wrong
Though I think backing off is what's best for now (and it's only been 2 weeks!), I also think its fair and healthy for you to examine what she said.
Dig a little deeper. You were not married that long to have become complacent.
What happened in your previous relationships?
This^^ is not to say it's all your fault. But I am not one who says "it's not you and it's only her", though there is a big part of this that is simply out of your control.
However it's crazy to avoid examining your role, b/c we know you want to reduce the chance of this happening again, on your end, if you two do reconcile.
It's not hopeless. There are several variables at play. (And again, you are early in this).
Your stepmother describes a marriage in which your w seems to have felt unhappy for some time, as is they have spoken before, so
when you dig deep, is this
all really new to you?
I'm so confused cause the whole reason she said she wasn't happy was because I wasn't as compassionate and sensitive to her feelings as she wanted. So it just seems so wrong to be insensitive and just leave her alone? But I've been pursuing for the first 10 days and all it did was her coming over to tell me she does want a divorce. So maybe I was going by it all wrong
Though I think backing off is what's best for now (and it's only been 2 weeks!), I also think its fair and healthy for you to examine what she said.
Dig a little deeper. You were not married that long to have become complacent.
What happened in your previous relationships?
This^^ is not to say it's all your fault. But I am not one who says "it's not you and it's only her", though there is a big part of this that is simply out of your control.
However it's crazy to avoid examining your role, b/c we know you want to reduce the chance of this happening again, on your end, if you two do reconcile
when you dig deep, is this
all really new to you?
I agree that it was way too early for me to become complacent but unfortunately that is what happened. Not making this and excuse but this is my second marriage, my first marriage my W cheated on me twice. We were together for 10 years and I was only 2 months separated when I met my now current wife for after the second time my first w cheated and she walk out I knew I didn't want her in my life anymore. So in a way I never really had any single time so it was like one continuous relationship although they're completely different people. I do have a bad habit of getting too comfortable in a relationship too fast and so I start to neglect things that I really shouldn't neglect. This is something I am dead set on fixing within myself because it's gotten me nowhere.
As wth this being new to me, it is new to me in this relationship. It's obvious she was telling her close friends and stepmom for a while that she's been feeling unhappy but she truthfully never told me she was unhappy other than like I said before the one time she brought up wanting more intimacy. But she never hinted ever about wanting to leave, even my sis n law which they talked all the time never even saw this coming. She did tell me a few days before my W left she was crying on the phone to her saying how she knows I'm a good man but she just felt disconnected recently which I kinda knew cause of the comment I made about her weight she distanced herself almost immediately.
I am working on my bad habits daily cause I do not want that part of me around ANYMORE! I'm sick of it, After hearing how unhappy my wife was for over a year or so I'm sick of me neglecting her feelings for what reason? Maybe cause I'm selfish or maybe cause I'm just an oblivious dude who thinks that once we're married I instantly settle right into getting comfortable. No more I'm done with that. This is really making me reflect and realize how much of a role I played in all this even tho I never raised my voice with her always gave her things just because, brought home flowers once a month, told her I loved her daily. Always thanked her when she didn't something nice for me or just for cooking dinner. But I just didn't realize how much the intimacy and compassion mattered to her. I'm such a fool
I'm glad you are looking at how fast you hooked up with your 2nd w, after your first m ended.
Getting into another r so fast after your first one ended, is something to address. More 2nd marriages end than first, and the odds of subsequent marriages ending, increase with less time between the r's.
In other words, those who rush into a new r, tend to be in a reactive mode, not reflective. So a lot less learning goes on.
I'm coming out of my only m, and it was a 35 year one. I am forcing myself to live alone for the first time in my life. (I married in college).
I am barely dipping my toe into online dating after 7 months and have not felt ready to even meet someone. I KNOW it's too fast for me to engage in a "real" r, but I was sort of hoping to have coffee with a man partly b/c I have not dated in 37 years, which is almost as long as you've been alive. But I know I'd never dream of moving in together or remarrying, until at least 2 years of dating AND I'd have to date others as well.
I think my therapist would probably fire me if I jumped into a relationship before at least a year of being on my own, in therapy (to learn about myself at this stage of life AND to heal).
Experts say it, my family says it, my friends tell me to take my time. My h did not take his time. He immediately was in a r, and has announced it on FB.
When I get past my pain and ego blow about that, I really do think it's a little insane for him to have done that. I mean, objectively, it's Very needy.
I want to know what my mistakes were, I want to KNOW I won't repeat them, though I'm human and will make other mistakes.
But I don't want this pain in my life again. I will do a whole lot to avoid it. And I'd rather be free and alone, than to wish I was alone.
BTW, I have a close friend who divorced her first h 30 years ago. She immediately began a new r, and married that guy 18 months later. There was not a lot of searching other men b/c she met #2 a month after splitting.
22 years passed and h#2 left her with 3 kids. She began dating another guy and dang if she did not marry him, so he's #3. So she's basically married every guy she dated.
Husband #2 was a lot different from husband #1, like he was a reaction to her first.
And h#3 was a lot different from h#2, so again, a reaction...she never explored other men or r's and she never got to know herself living ALONE (without dating one guy exclusively).
She told me recently at the age of 62, that she wished she had taken her time, reflected, gotten to know more men so she could see that some men had all the main traits she needs, instead of REACTING to or REPLACING what she just lost.
The people I know who seem unable to be alone, and move fast into new r's, tend to have less satisfying r's, which is ironic in a way. THEY don't change, they just change partners. And the pattern of the marriages ending OR being very unhappy , persists.
in fact, I cannot think of one person who went from one m, to another r quickly, who has not regretted it.
Food for thought.
Keep at this, the pain will decrease if you work at this program and do Your work.
But yes, give your w time and space. To the extent the hormones are at play, they'll settle down and she may be able to see you more objectively.
What were HER prior r's like?
((( )))
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
Its an action, believe that she is in turmoil and really needs space right now.
Don't take it personally, DETACH.
This is about her not YOU.
It's obvious she was telling her close friends and stepmom for a while that she's been feeling unhappy but she truthfully never told me she was unhappy other than like I said before the one time she brought up wanting more intimacy.
Do you think this is YOUR fault?
YES - she is unhappy but what makes you think YOU are the cause of her unhappiness?
I know it is hard, but you need to listen to what is being said. I didn't detach and quit "pestering" her for lack of a better term for quite some time. Did several stupid things out of fear that did not help at all.
Once I slowed myself down and started actually communicating when SHE wanted to, that is when it turned around.
when you feel that coming on, I started a journal to write it down, that helped a lot.
Don't trust what she says and only some of what she does. My W said some things that really hurt! and did things that really hurt! It is the nature of the beast at this point.
It will take a lot of time. But if you cut communication down, or stop it completely, GAL, counseling, things will turn around for you. You need to show her that you have changed, and will continue to be that person. W's need to see that for a long period of time before they believe it. you can tell her till you are blue in the face but words right now are meaningless.
Do you think this is YOUR fault?
YES - she is unhappy but what makes you think YOU are the cause of her unhappiness?
I definitely have played a role into her unhappiness, my stupid comment about her weight certainly didn't help and certainly proved her point that I'm insensitive. So yes it's partially my fault if not 3/4 my fault
I know it is hard, but you need to listen to what is being said. I didn't detach and quit "pestering" her for lack of a better term for quite some time. Did several stupid things out of fear that did not help at all.
Once I slowed myself down and started actually communicating when SHE wanted to, that is when it turned around.
when you feel that coming on, I started a journal to write it down, that helped a lot.
Don't trust what she says and only some of what she does. My W said some things that really hurt! and did things that really hurt! It is the nature of the beast at this point.
It will take a lot of time. But if you cut communication down, or stop it completely, GAL, counseling, things will turn around for you. You need to show her that you have changed, and will continue to be that person. W's need to see that for a long period of time before they believe it. you can tell her till you are blue in the face but words right now are
meaningless.
So I'm assuming that your W came back? I agree I've told her everything I possibly could to prove that I'm done with that part of me that started to neglect her but she's still too hurt and angry to care or believe in what I'm saying. I thought of staying home from work today and try to catch her coming in to move stuff so we could talk, by againit would probably not go too well and end up pushing her father away.
As of now things are doing well with my wife, I am still taking it slow and letting things progress as they do without much pushing.
I don't talk about the relationship unless she initiates that. Even then I LISTEN more than talk. Listening is the key right now, she doesn't want to hear nor cares what you have to say right now.
Don't stay home it will make things worse, she more than likely needs space/time to think. (I say more than likely because everyone is different)
Work on yourself, what changed in your relationship from dating to now? Change yourself back, show her what she is missing and go from there! If anything it will help you in the future
Detach also. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. that is the best advice I was given. you need to be ready for the BD of D.
Right now the more you pursue her the farther away she is going to get. Leave it be and let it grow on its own! I begged, pleaded, told her I changed, asked her if she could see the change etc.. none of that worked at all. it wasn't until we started to spend a little time together that she saw change, once they see the change that's when things happen. She will start contacting you again. Do not argue with her, don't tell her you changed, just listen to her no matter how hard it is. She needs that more than anything right now.
As of now things are doing well with my wife, I am still taking it slow and letting things progress as they do without much pushing.
I don't talk about the relationship unless she initiates that. Even then I LISTEN more than talk. Listening is the key right now, she doesn't want to hear nor cares what you have to say right now.
Don't stay home it will make things worse, she more than likely needs space/time to think. (I say more than likely because everyone is different)
Work on yourself, what changed in your relationship from dating to now? Change yourself back, show her what she is missing and go from there! If anything it will help you in the future
Detach also. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. that is the best advice I was given. you need to be ready for the BD of D.
Right now the more you pursue her the farther away she is going to get. Leave it be and let it grow on its own! I begged, pleaded, told her I changed, asked her if she could see the change etc.. none of that worked at all. it wasn't until we started to spend a little time together that she saw change, once they see the change that's when things happen. She will start contacting you again. Do not argue with her, don't tell her you changed, just listen to her no matter how hard it is. She needs that more than anything right now.
How long have y'all been S? I was falling into the chasignher too for the first 12 days but since monda I've gone NC nothing's changed yet other than her taking more stuff from the house. It it's only been 2 weeks from today hat she left. I just pray that once the hurt and anger subside she can start to see all the good we have in our relationship
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
that she is unhappy and wants her stuff in a storage unit, at this time.
Even if we had a crystal ball and somehow could read her mind, her opinions would only partly make sense to you (b/c you'd have different recall or a totally different spin on the event)
and because whatever her feelings are, they will conflict and they will change.
Of this^^ I am certain.
Our relationship was very good,from my perspective, we have always been very close. We never fought and rarely argued, she just told me that she holds all her emotions inside and hides them well.
It's OK to disagree on things (aka "Fighting"). The key is doing it in a healthy way. I thought my R was great because we never fought, or when we did, things seemed to stabilize afterwards. I learned that by not addressing issues, we allowed mutual resentment to build and it taught my ex that I wasnt able to be understanding or to actually implement any changes.
As of now things are doing well with my wife, I am still taking it slow and letting things progress as they do without much pushing.
I don't talk about the relationship unless she initiates that. Even then I LISTEN more than talk. Listening is the key right now, she doesn't want to hear nor cares what you have to say right now.
Don't stay home it will make things worse, she more than likely needs space/time to think. (I say more than likely because everyone is different)
Work on yourself, what changed in your relationship from dating to now? Change yourself back, show her what she is missing and go from there! If anything it will help you in the future
Detach also. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. that is the best advice I was given. you need to be ready for the BD of D.
Right now the more you pursue her the farther away she is going to get. Leave it be and let it grow on its own! I begged, pleaded, told her I changed, asked her if she could see the change etc.. none of that worked at all. it wasn't until we started to spend a little time together that she saw change, once they see the change that's when things happen. She will start contacting you again. Do not argue with her, don't tell her you changed, just listen to her no matter how hard it is. She needs that more than anything right now.
How long have y'all been S? I was falling into the chasignher too for the first 12 days but since monda I've gone NC nothing's changed yet other than her taking more stuff from the house. It it's only been 2 weeks from today hat she left. I just pray that once the hurt and anger subside she can start to see all the good we have in our relationship
we were S for about 6 weeks. I moved out with a co-worker for a couple of weeks, and then it was an in home split.
Like I said she told me just last week that she's been resenting me for 2 years cause she felt like the intimacy was lacking and that I wasn't as compassionate as she felt I should've been and during her treatments she said she felt I didn't show her as much compassion as she wanted.
I dont think she meant 'compassion'.
My guess is she meant 'empathy'.
The things you describe below have nothing to do with understanding and valuing her feelings. I dont think she wanted you to 'save' her necessarily, but more to understand the life she was going through. In other words, she sacrificed a lot to do the IVF and the treatments; what did you give up? how did you show your appreciation?
Everyday I came home from work I always made sure to give her a kiss, I always held her hand when walking places or in the car driving. Always kissed her goodnight with a I love you.
Do you think this is YOUR fault?
YES - she is unhappy but what makes you think YOU are the cause of her unhappiness?
I definitely have played a role into her unhappiness, my stupid comment about her weight certainly didn't help and certainly proved her point that I'm insensitive. So yes it's partially my fault if not 3/4 my fault
Sorry - I must disagree,
no matter what your mistakes were, they did not cause her unhappiness.
That is all on her.
Just like you are responsible for YOUR happiness so is
she responsible for hers.
YOU did not cause this.
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
that she is unhappy and wants her stuff in a storage unit, at this time.
Even if we had a crystal ball and somehow could read her mind, her opinions would only partly make sense to you (b/c you'd have different recall or a totally different spin on the event)
and because whatever her feelings are, they will conflict and they will change.
Of this^^ I am certain.
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
that she is unhappy and wants her stuff in a storage unit, at this time.
Even if we had a crystal ball and somehow could read her mind, her opinions would only partly make sense to you (b/c you'd have different recall or a totally different spin on the event)
[b]
and because whatever her feelings are, they will conflict and they will change.
[
Of this^^ I am certain.
So you're saying there's still a sliver of a chance she could come around and want to try again?
Some observations, if you don't mind. Just some perspectives. May or may not be true, but just things I know first hand to keep in the back of your mind.
IVF. I went through IVF to have our daughter. I don't think either of us was fully prepared for that. My ex has congenital absence of the vas deferens. The only way we were to conceive is through IVF. He had to have surgery also to remove his sperm. We both had begun new careers when we embarked on this journey. Very stressful. Those hormonal injections. Wow. What he ll. I gained weight, I had hot flashes, I was extremely irritable and I am not an irritable person. The hormones were AWFUL. Everyday I would travel a long distance at one point everyday for daily blood work and ultrasounds. Often after working a 12.5 hours night shift as a nurse in the ICU.
Yes, I am going to say HUGE mistake on the weight comment. Especially in a very vulnerable moment in the shower. But that moment did not end your M. It is good you realized your mistake and apologized from it.
But that IVF. Messes with moods horribly. Pregnancy loss. I am so sorry for your loss. We were fortunate to have IVF to work on the first try, although they thought I was going to lose her in the early weeks. When a woman has to go through these hormones, then suffers loss, parts of her feel inadequate as a woman. I imagine a lot of this is suffering from depression after pregnancy loss.
In this period, time, space, empathy, 180's. All the advice will get you through. I hope to be able to offer some perspective on where she MIGHT be coming from. I can't mind read, I can't speak for her, but having been through the same and knowing other couples who have, it is not uncommon.
I hope this helps a little
.....and I know it is difficult on the male going through the IVF too. it's a real time to communicate, support, and show empathy to each other.
So you're saying there's still a sliver of a chance she could come around and want to try again?
Absolutely
But it may not be for several months or years.
What I do know, is that continuing down the path of pursuit will only continue to drive her away.
I literally just read an article about psychological projection in relationships, I think you're taking way too much on yourself. As 25 said it's definitely good to do some introspection and decide what you want to address for your own benefit, but as Cadet says, she is responsible for her own happiness, not you. She was unhappy with herself, and she is projecting that onto you. Don't buy into that.
If she's moving more stuff out and into a storage unit, how about you box her stuff up for her when she's not there and prepare it for her so that when she comes to get more, it's all ready to go in boxes right by the door?
She wants space, you're helping her get exactly what she wants.
Do you think that would throw her for a loop?
What do you think she would conclude about that? Do you think she would walking away thinking "I guess I'm making the right decision because he wants me gone? Why does he want me gone?" or "Uh oh, maybe I'm making a mistake here..."
Either way, it's channeling her thoughts back to her and away from focusing on being mad at you.
Just something to think about.
Acc
So if Im to believe none of what she says and half of what she does, what should I believe about her moving more stuff out of the house and getting a storage unit?
that she is unhappy and wants her stuff in a storage unit, at this time.
Even if we had a crystal ball and somehow could read her mind, her opinions would only partly make sense to you (b/c you'd have different recall or a totally different spin on the event)
and because whatever her feelings are, they will conflict and they will change.
Of this^^ I am certain.
I just feel like she'll never have a chance to sit back and miss me or reflect on what she's doing cause she's moving back to her folks and they even have a little house that she's living in on here property. And he fact that her step mom is basically filling the void of me because they're like best friends.
So I just found a Vday card from THIS year, and I'll read the message she put inside it. "Happy Vday babes! I love you more everyday. I hope this year brings us ever more joy. Fingers crossed!! Thanks for being a great husband. This is why it's not adding up
It's obvious she was telling her close friends and stepmom for a while that she's been feeling unhappy but she truthfully never told me she was unhappy other than like I said before the one time she brought up wanting more intimacy.
Do you think this is YOUR fault?
YES - she is unhappy but what makes you think YOU are the cause of her unhappiness?
She has been a depression pills before.... actually just came off them in January before we started Ivf again. So yeah she has a history of being unhappy
Some observations, if you don't mind. Just some perspectives. May or may not be true, but just things I know first hand to keep in the back of your mind.
IVF. I went through IVF to have our daughter. I don't think either of us was fully prepared for that. My ex has congenital absence of the vas deferens. The only way we were to conceive is through IVF. He had to have surgery also to remove his sperm. We both had begun new careers when we embarked on this journey. Very stressful. Those hormonal injections. Wow. What he ll. I gained weight, I had hot flashes, I was extremely irritable and I am not an irritable person. The hormones were AWFUL. Everyday I would travel a long distance at one point everyday for daily blood work and ultrasounds. Often after working a 12.5 hours night shift as a nurse in the ICU.
Yes, I am going to say HUGE mistake on the weight comment. Especially in a very vulnerable moment in the shower. But that moment did not end your M. It is good you realized your mistake and apologized from it.
But that IVF. Messes with moods horribly. Pregnancy loss. I am so sorry for your loss. We were fortunate to have IVF to work on the first try, although they thought I was going to lose her in the early weeks. When a woman has to go through these hormones, then suffers loss, parts of her feel inadequate as a woman. I imagine a lot of this is suffering from depression after pregnancy loss.
In this period, time, space, empathy, 180's. All the advice will get you through. I hope to be able to offer some perspective on where she MIGHT be coming from. I can't mind read, I can't speak for her, but having been through the same and knowing other couples who have, it is not uncommon.
I hope this helps a little
So are you basically saying that her fluctuating hormones could be a partial if not all the cause of this right now? A lot of people have said that to me but she clearly said to me it has nothing to do with hormones. But how would you know if it's your hormones at the time?
I fell off the dbing wagon today, the w emailed me to basically talk about bills but she also thanked me for the flowers I sent her over a week ago. We made a few exchanges and she said I hope you're doing ok, originally I kept my cool and say I'm doing fine and then I replied again with this Honestly I lied, I've been a wreck. Everyday I wake up (if I sleep at all) feeling like my heart has been torn from my chest. Everyday is worse than the day before. I wake up at times thinking you're laying beside me still. Seeing our belongings and memories getting boxed up day after day leaves an empty feeling in the pit of my soul. I am and I've always been crazy in love with you and I'll wait forever for you and I'm willing to do whatever it takes for you to trust me with your heart again. Sorry I tried but I can't hold back how I truly feel. You are my love and I want to show you how much you mean to me and how much I truly truly cherish you for the remainder of my days.
I was doing good too, I've been NC since sunday but in guess I'm back to square one
Setbacks are going to happen, learn from them. Maybe it wasn't all bad??
Setbacks are going to happen, learn from them. Maybe it wasn't all bad??
Well it didn't seem that good she still set on her way of doing thugs for her. This is what she replied with
I know that this is hard on you and I am really sorry. There is no easy way to do this but I have to do what I feel right is for myself and I am just sorry for what it is doing to you. That is why I don't want you to be there while I am packing up stuff. and I know its hard seeing it... that's why I am trying to get a good amount of time so I can get it done. I hope in time things will get better for you.
W still refuses to talk to me in person, she emailed me yesterday asking if I would be gone today so she could come over and pack more of her stuff I said I would be gone for a few hours. This morning I texted her and asked if she could come over a few mins early so we could talk she said she's not that place to just talk and hang, I said it wouldn't be talk about us just talk. She said maybe but she never showed. So it's frustrating but what can I do, I guess completely stop contacting her. But it's hard and she's almost willing to talk in person but still scared to or affraid or something idk
Stunned
no matter how much of this is her hormones or on you
stop pursuing.
Later on MAYBE THEN, but not now.
Have you gotten other of the DB books yet?
Stunned
no matter how much of this is her hormones or on you
stop pursuing.
Later on MAYBE THEN, but not now.
Have you gotten other of the DB books yet?
I have been reading the DR book, I know I must stop but sometimes my emotions still get the best of me. I really need to detach also, she acts like she absolutely hates me but I guess that's what happens with a hardened heart......
Well it didn't seem that good she still set on her way of doing thugs for her. This is what she replied with
I know that this is hard on you and I am really sorry. There is no easy way to do this but I have to do what I feel right is for myself and I am just sorry for what it is doing to you. That is why I don't want you to be there while I am packing up stuff. and I know its hard seeing it... that's why I am trying to get a good amount of time so I can get it done. I hope in time things will get better for you.
Should this fall into he not believing what she says? Cause she's making it sound like she's already moved on and over it? Seems incredibly cold
Stunned,
at one point my h and I did reconcile. It took months (over a year) before I could have a conversation not involving the R, or asking "WHY??" etc. Which usually led to fights.
Then another year of GAL & detachment and though we reconciled, we did not piece well. But the recon alone took 2 years.
Point is, your timeline is a...crazy rushed.
Seriously.
Sometimes we push for certainty when there is NO certainty yet,
and we force an answer we don't really want, just to "know" the answer.
Back off, give her space, be upbeat but not over the top.
Act as if you are resigned to her tragic decision (tragic for her, too, not just you).
You do Not want pity, you do not want to guilt her (which always fails anyhow)
What are you doing to Get A Life?
It's the only way to detach and
detachment is not just for keeping our sanity. It's also what makes us happier and in time, a lot more attractive as potential partners.
You are very early in this process. And this Is a marathon, not a sprint.
Make sense?
Stunned,
at one point my h and I did reconcile. It took months (over a year) before I could have a conversation not involving the R, or asking "WHY??" etc. Which usually led to fights.
Then another year of GAL & detachment and though we reconciled, we did not piece well. But the recon alone took 2 years.
Point is, your timeline is a...crazy rushed.
Seriously.
Sometimes we push for certainty when there is NO certainty yet,
and we force an answer we don't really want, just to "know" the answer.
Back off, give her space, be upbeat but not over the top.
Act as if you are resigned to her tragic decision (tragic for her, too, not just you).
You do Not want pity, you do not want to guilt her (which always fails anyhow)
What are you doing to Get A Life?
It's the only way to detach and
detachment is not just for keeping our sanity. It's also what makes us happier and in time, a lot more attractive as potential partners.
You are very early in this process. And this Is a marathon, not a sprint.
Make sense?
I know I'm still in panic and disbelief mode I think cause of how far out of the blue this was to me...I guess it just seems to me that's she's rushing it to end by so quickly packing up and moving all her stuff. So that makes me feel at times that I have to do something right now!!! Which I DO know it's NOT what need to do. I didn't contact her for 5 days and then she contacted me about bills and some bs small talk just to make it civil. So I'm back to NC now.
Things I've been doing to GAL... well I've been having friends over during the weekends and going to church, mountain biking, and reading reading and more reading about how to get my wife back but that's not really GAL!
So do you think I should delete her from my Facebook? And just delete Facebook completely right now cause it's hard to not look at her page and wonder what she's doing and that's not healthy for me right now
you don't have to delete her. You can block her without her even knowing.
Blocking my h was the one of first healthy things I did for myself, and I have spared myself intense pain.
Why on earth would I need to see that? It's a highlight reel and you are never sure if it's true, or if it is manipulation anyhow. Who needs that?
If & when she wants to reach out to you, she can pick up a phone.
get off of Facebook for now.
Begin to heal. Do whatever that means to you. Have you seen a therapist yet?
And the DB book, have you started reading one yet?
get off of Facebook for now.
Begin to heal. Do whatever that means to you. Have you seen a therapist yet?
And the DB book, have you started reading one yet?
Not trying to be abrasive or too blunt, just trying to redirect you back to YOU...
this is really really HARD and painful, but sometimes it's not super complicated, you know?
get off of Facebook for now.
Begin to heal. Do whatever that means to you. Have you seen a therapist yet?
And the DB book, have you started reading one yet?
Not trying to be abrasive or too blunt, just trying to redirect you back to YOU...
this is really really HARD and painful, but sometimes it's not super complicated, you know?
I have started the DR book I'm at the point in the book where we need to be talking again it seems before I can really continue. I have seen a theropists once but I'm switching to a new one cause he didn't seem to be too good with marriage issues. I had deleted Facebook for the first two weeks but I reactivated it a few days ago.
You're right this is the hardest thing I've ever been through and that includes cancer and all the surgeries that I had to do. My first marriage was a bit easier to move on from cause I pretty much saw the writing on the wall with her Infidelity, and after the second time she did that I pretty much wanted her to leave. But this time the out of the blue part is just hitting me like a ton of bricks for the fact we DID NOT FIGHT ever and she ALWAYS reassured me she loved me very much. Theirs a learning process to this dbing to train the way you approach this cause it's making you fight all those emotions that want you to act on.
I guess the reason why I'm trying to rush this or feel panicked is cause I just fear that the longer we are apart the higher the chance she will find someone else and she will FEEL like they will have a strong connection for the fact of everything new FEELS like it's the best. And if that happens than all hope it gone for sure.
I think I finally reached a point today where I'm just getting angry at how incredibly cold she's being towards me. I won't let her see that I'm angry but I think it'll help me GAL and keep NC cause I might've hurt her but she's treating this like a boyfriend break up and not a marriage.
I think you've lost sight of the issue. It isn't a matter of whether there is someone else to find, it is a matter of whether she will recommit to the marriage with you. It takes as much time as it takes, sometimes years. The only thing you can do is GAL and detach.
I think you've lost sight of the issue. It isn't a matter of whether there is someone else to find, it is a matter of whether she will recommit to the marriage with you. It takes as much time as it takes, sometimes years. The only thing you can do is GAL and detach.
You're right and that's what I'm finding out as the days gonna
My sister in law just informed me that my W had been voicing frustration to her tonher about me for sometime now. But she said she didn't seem made or upset about it until the past few months. So now I'm feeling like I should've seen this coming but again she didn't tell me she was feeling this way.
We've all been there. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just do better now.
We've all been there. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just do better now.
I know it's just hard to hear and makes me feel like a fool for not seeing it before it came to her leaving.
My DB coach told me something that made it easier to go NC. She explained to me that when I wanted to talk to my WAW about something, it was about me putting what I wanted ahead of what WAW wanted.
I wanted to be validated.
I wanted her to understand me.
I wanted her to regret her decision.
I wanted her to understand the pain she was causing.
And so on.
What my DB coach told me was that she wanted me to understand the pain I caused her. She wanted me to give her space. She wanted me to let her go gracefully. She wanted me to understand her.
The more I tried to get what I needed, the worse it looked. The actions contradicted the words. Maybe my words could be "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you or give weight to what you were saying during our M", but if this is said in the face of her request to not have R talks then the very fact that we are ignoring her request and having an R talk proves that you care more about your need for an R talk than her need for space.
Once I really understood this I was able to show my love silently by dropping the rope. I hope this helps.
It does make sense that my reaching out to her is more for me than it is for her. Because of how badly I want her back I think by convincing her of things it would change her perception on things. But it does seem like the more I tried doing that the more she ran the other way. It just feels helpless at times.
Stunned,
We ALL very badly want our spouses back, or we wouldn't be here. And I think the reason it feels helpless, is because the truth is, we ARE helpless in trying to make another person do something they don't want to do. I think the sooner we make peace with the fact that, like it or not, that's the hand we've been dealt right now, the easier it is to begin to heal. Hang in there!
Stunned,
We ALL very badly want our spouses back, or we wouldn't be here. And I think the reason it feels helpless, is because the truth is, we ARE helpless in trying to make another person do something they don't want to do. I think the sooner we make peace with the fact that, like it or not, that's the hand we've been dealt right now, the easier it is to begin to heal. Hang in there!
Thanks I'm trying to hang in there, I was doing good until I heard that she was frustrated for a while and never told me. But I just have to accept what it is now and hope that she will at least be willing to just talk to me again cause as of right now she has zero desire to talk. But again it's not even been 3 weeks yet and she's so focused on moving her stuff out I don't think she's really had time to think about the long term affects of this.
Stunned,
Hang in there bud. Good news is that its pretty fresh and sounds like no affair is involved. If you get bored, look at my thread and do the opposite! Its been 9 months and I've done most things wrong yet I still continued to do them. Not only have I done things wrong but I lost myself along in the process. I came here for advice but subconsciously I think I may have wanted people to feel sorry for me. I reread my thread and people give great advice here.
Keep asking for advice but I can tell you me pestering my wife may have did it in. Try and give her some space, get some clues as to what's really going on. May be some trauma involved. I'm sure a woman could give you some better insight as to your wife's problem.
I say this because I don't want you to feel as I do. Who knows your future, but the faster you improve your life, the more research, the more everything good will make this process smoother (wont be easy by a long shot). This last weekend I looked myself in the mirror and had to detach from my marriage finally. One more month the way I was going, who knows what would have happened. I went from being well above average in my career to sometimes forgetting how to drive my truck. This will beat you down if you let it.
To summarize, listen to these people sooner rather than later. I waited 9 months to face myself and my problems, please don't do that buddy, wouldn't wish this even on my wife's AP.
Hello Stunned,
Don't be too hard on yourself regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Thank you Ginger1 for sharing your IVF experience!
Thank you Zues126 for your insights from your DB Coach. I'm glad you found the sessions helpful.
It may feel like pursuing her is the right thing to do, but it isn't. Many of the DB strategies seem counter intuitive. That is ok! Focus on yourself and truly detach.
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I'm sure I made yet another mistake today by sending flowers to her work. She didn't acknowledge that she got them and I didn't expect her to. I guess I had other motives when doing that, I was thinking others she works with would see her getting flowers from me and would maybe start saying to her see how sweet your H is. Bad move I'm sure. But I WILL go Full NC now. I haven't contacted her since satuerday other than the flowers today but that was my last attempt. I'm done pursuing for sure now.
Stunned,
Please, please, please stop pursuing her.
You seem like a really good guy, and I know temptation to pursue becomes so hard sometimes that it just feels impossible to resist.
But please, for your own sake and dignity, STOP! ((((( ))))))
Stunned,
Please, please, please stop pursuing her.
You seem like a really good guy, and I know temptation to pursue becomes so hard sometimes that it just feels impossible to resist.
But please, for your own sake and dignity, STOP! ((((( ))))))
I know it's really bad, and I have told myself no matter what I won't contact her. My birthdays on the 16th so I wonder if she even will contact me. My mom said that if she does contact me that I should ask her to meet up for drinks and talk. But I don't think that's a good idea either.
Stunned, thought about you last night. If you have the DR book read pages 99-100 again. Im reading a 2nd time. There's several others stories like this in the book and it shows how the pursuing just doesn't work. Not trying to beat you up at all. Just goes to show that the pursuers logic is natural, but just doesn't work in these cases.
It's tough man, I know it first hand. You seem like a good guy so I hate to see you go through this, esp the hard way. Gather yourself up and devise a plan. While you stop pursuing her, work on what needs to be worked on to make your life more pleasant. Please don't sit idle while the pursuing stops. This is your chance to prove to yourself and the world that you have something great to offer.
Be positive, you never know this could be the wakeup call you guys needed. Yall can be back stronger than before.
Stunned, thought about you last night. If you have the DR book read pages 99-100 again. Im reading a 2nd time. There's several others stories like this in the book and it shows how the pursuing just doesn't work. Not trying to beat you up at all. Just goes to show that the pursuers logic is natural, but just doesn't work in these cases.
It's tough man, I know it first hand. You seem like a good guy so I hate to see you go through this, esp the hard way. Gather yourself up and devise a plan. While you stop pursuing her, work on what needs to be worked on to make your life more pleasant. Please don't sit idle while the pursuing stops. This is your chance to prove to yourself and the world that you have something great to offer.
Be positive, you never know this could be the wakeup call you guys needed. Yall can be back stronger than before.
No you're exactly right, it's like an addiction. I keep telling myself this is the last text or the last letter or the last whatever. But seriously after the flowers to work yesterday I am done for sure pursuing her. It's obviously not working and most likely pushing her farther away. So time for the 180 and keep my word of NC
The W is coming back Saturday to try and finish packing her stuff. She asked me if I can be gone for 6-8 hours that day cause she doesn't want me here while she's packing. I agreed that I would stay away, and I guess that's the right thing to do?
So the W contacted me again today asking if I could be out of the house for 6-8 hours this Saturday so she could pack more of her stuff. I said I won't be gone that long but I would be gone for 5-6 hours and she could still pack stuff while I'm there and I wouldn't bother her. She's adamant about me not being home while she is at the house. She had ZERO desire to see me and only texts when she wants something. I feel kinda like I'm letting her walk over me with these demands for me to leave my own house while she packs more of her stuff. She SAYS she's doing that so it would be easier on ME, but I feel like it's really to make it easier on HER. Maybe from guilt or maybe seeing me she would have some feelings for me that she doesn't want to have cause it would conflict with her decision? Idk
What were HER prior r's like?
((( )))
I'm not sure I ever replied to this comment, so here goes. She never really had long term R. Her longest one was a year. She ALWAYS ended ALL of her R so maybe this is the norm for her? When something gets a bit difficult she cuts all ties and takes off in the other direction. It absolutely seems that she's completely emotionally detached and it seems to of happened instantaneously.
So yesterday and today were interesting days. I had to contact the W yesterday about our Ivf program and canceling it. Told her because we still have embryos left we will only get 50% of our money back instead of all of it which means we will still have close to 10k on the loan to pay off. I mentioned (bad idea) maybe we could go 50/50 on the payment each month. She came back with asking if I was staying in the house, I said yes and then she replied that she doesn't think she should walk away with nothing. I responded with nevermind I'll pay the loan and have a good day. I knew where this was going. She came back with well the house is worth a lot more than the loan.
Back story, I bought this house BEFORE we were married and her name is nowhere on this house, so from what I've been told she can't get a penny from the house cause of that and cause we've only been married for less than 3 years. I responded that I didn't want to talk about that right now and to please have a good day.
Later on when friends were telling me to change the locks and all this other crap that would probably put the final nail in hopes of ever reconciling of all people her bro texted me and asked how I was doing. He's totally on my side for the fact This is coming from a sinful heart that we all have. that 3 years ago he had this same issue with his wife wanting a divorce and he was abale to win her back. He gave me some great advice which was this.
This is coming from a sinful heart that we all have. This is what most women would do. However, you can offer her grace in this instance. You need to do what's right from a Christian husband perspective and use this as a way to keep pursuing her. Even if it doesn't turn out in your favor you can sleep at night because you showed her unconditional love through this process. Ask her what she wants you to do. Sell the house? Pay her outright for what she thinks she is owed? Tell her you will listen to what she thinks she deserves. Swallow your pride and then listen to her. Of course legally she isn't owed anything but it's the fact you are willing to listen.
So I sent her a text to call me when she can so we can talk about the house. She called within 5 mins of that text. She talked I mostly listened, and she basically thinks she's entitled to half the equity on the house from when I bought it which is close to 30k and asked if since I'm staying that I can "buy her out" I never agreed but just said if that day comes that you decide to go through with this we will cross that bridge when if/when we get there. After that we talked for almost 30 mins mostly about little things and I made sure to keep it light and did not talk about us at all! The ONLY thing I said at all about us was "im still not giving up on you" with a light hearted tone to it, and she actually giggled a bit after that which surprised me cause I expected a reply like I should just stop trying to something. So overall besides her feeling like she deserves money it was a good talk and I hope that maybe planted a seed in her mind that taking to me and opening up again might not be so bad.
And maybe it did cause this morning I knew she wa coming over to pack more cause she asked but I was surprised that she showed up before I left. She gave me a grad card to give my nephew and we really didn't talk much but again kept it light. She asked about my new dog I got and if I was going to keep him and I said yes. Then I ended the talk cause I had to leave. I wanted so badly to just give her a giant bear hug but I didn't. We didn't even touch at all but that's fine. It was nice and hard to see her but I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to stop by while I was home. So maybe these are baby steps on the right direction idk? But I'll go back to NC now and hope that she contacts me next Friday for my birthday but we will see.
In this period, time, space, empathy, 180's. All the advice will get you through. I hope to be able to offer some perspective on where she MIGHT be coming from. I can't mind read, I can't speak for her, but having been through the same and knowing other couples who have, it is not uncommon.
I hope this helps a little
So which part are you referring to as not uncommon?
So my birthdays this Friday, and I'm just wondering how I should handle it? I'm sure she will at least text me but should I respond? Should I attempt to see if she would meet to get a drink? Or should I just cont GAL and have a fun night with friends and or family? She's been more willing to communicate since we had that 30 min talk on the phone Friday but she's still headstrong on her goal of moving everything out of the house cause she contacted me yesterday to see if she can come over Saturday to start movinng some of her furniture. But it's baby steps I guess
Hey stunned... found myself drawn to your story for some reason... I'll have to catch up from the beginning.
For your bday... no... don't ask her out for a drink. Fun with friends and fam is good. If she texts, just thanks maybe with a smiley face... nothing more.
Don't say things like 'I'm not giving up on you'... that's what she wants to hear and does nothing for you.
Keep going and posting.... read other threads. I learned a lot from reading other threads about how to respond in certain situations. Best of luck!!
Hey stunned... found myself drawn to your story for some reason... I'll have to catch up from the beginning.
For your bday... no... don't ask her out for a drink. Fun with friends and fam is good. If she texts, just thanks maybe with a smiley face... nothing more.
Don't say things like 'I'm not giving up on you'... that's what she wants to hear and does nothing for you.
Keep going and posting.... read other threads. I learned a lot from reading other threads about how to respond in certain situations. Best of luck!!
Im not sure she really wants to hear "I'm not giving up on our"? But I think you're right about not asking to hang out, but what if she asks me to hang out? Tho I highly doubt she will
Make plans so you don't have to worry about her asking or not... if she does ask then you are busy and if she doesn't ask you are busy... catch my drift!?
You are worrying too much about what she might or might not do.
Good... so if she doesn't want to hear it... no need to say stuff like that then right?
Go make some fun plans for your bday!
Make plans so you don't have to worry about her asking or not... if she does ask then you are busy and if she doesn't ask you are busy... catch my drift!?
You are worrying too much about what she might or might not do.
Good... so if she doesn't want to hear it... no need to say stuff like that then right?
Go make some fun plans for your bday!
THe only problem is I would love for her to want to hear that, but is she does want to hear that than I'd never know. When we talked on Friday on the phone for 30 mins I actually did say light heartedly that I'm still not giving up on her and she did kinda giggle so who knows maybe she does want to hear it. Either way I made plans sat night with friends and I'll prob just go to my folks fri evening so I don't have a choice if she asks
If she calls or texts be cordial and respond. But absolutely no invite. This is one consequence for not being with you.
If she calls or texts be cordial and respond. But absolutely no invite. This is one consequence for not being with you.
Good point, maybe me turning her down would make her really think about her choice to be a waw.
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