I guess it's time to roll to a new thread. Here's the past:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2735257&page=10Wanted to start a new thread because I didn't want to get in trouble with Cadet. :-) Also, just feels like time to move forward. I got out some stuff last weekend with the W that had to be done.
For those that aren't familiar with my sitch, it's depression and NGS that have me here again. In trying to be assertive instead of passive as a nice guy, I had to confront my W on some stuff that has impacted me for some time, which these confronted items have led to depression over the years. With that out, time to move forward.
Excited about this weekend:
a) Furniture delivered to our shared apartment. Why is this big? Our damn air mattress sprung a leak, so waking up sunk in a half inflated air mattress stinks. New bed/mattress is most welcomed and a sofa to sit on.
b) My Bro is turning 40 on Monday and my SIL planned a big party for him tonight. Karaoke will be a part and I can be a ham. I've got a special song planned for him that will probably scare everyone else, but we're metal junkies and it's his birthday.
My D13 might want to do a song with me too. I hope she does.
c) My D13 has her first piano recital tomorrow. She's been taking since last June and I'm really proud of her. I played for a few years growing up and have really enjoyed working with her on her piano playing when she wasn't acting like the teenage demon from hell that she can be. Sweet as pie when not!!!
I guess that's it for now. Real big props to all my fellow LBS's. Don't forget to do something for you today. It feels good, it makes us better, it helps and why not?!?!?!?!
Have a great weekend.
Glad things are going better for you, tryin. Kill it at karaoke tonight.
YES, TRYIN! Sing like a BOSS. And congrats on getting off the 1/2 sunk air mattress. I've done that and it bites.
I did something fun for me today- bought a lawn mower!! Whoop whoop!
Had sooooooooooooo much fun last night with my munchkins. Actually got to sing a few songs with both the kidos and they kept wanting more. We had a blast.
My brother and I are metal heads and I did a song of his favorite band. Now there were about 30 people in the room with only he and I ever having heard the song, but I did it anyway and rocked the pants of it. Voice hurts a little, but no pain, no gain.
Excited for my D13's piano recital today. Hoping last night's karaoke gets any stage fright out of her for today's performance.
Rock on, man, glad you had a great night... You know you're gonna have to share the band/song right, I'm dying to hear this one.
Sounds like a blast my friend! Glad you got up there and owned it!
A little bit of a rough night as I went home for some stuff and noticed all our wedding pictures and mementos were put away by my W. Not that it wasn't going to happen, but just part of the process.
Four years ago, when she put away the pictures, that broke me and I took my ring off that day. I'm most definitely stronger, but it still hurts.
Heading OOT for work for a few days and have a bunch of meetings, so good distractions. Hope everyone has a great day today.
Sorry to hear about the rough night. It definately hurts when you see stuff like that.
Feeling good, but venting a little. I was texting the W about the timing of a potential vacation for just me and the kids later in the summer. She goes from "ok, just let me know" to "I've got to go I'm losing it" in like 2 seconds flat.
Monday night when I was leaving the house I could tell she was wigging out a bit because I was going out of town for work but wasn't giving her all the details. She knew where I was going and I said just call my cell. It's all about control.
I just lose a little patience with this because the pain being caused is SOMEWHAT self-inflicted. Yes, I know this is all a process, but I'm not going to have pity when she's doing it.
I have been empathetic with her, but when I feel it makes sense. When she's losing it for control, I'm letting that go. The other day she confessed that my D13 are so close that she often feels like an outcast and left out. I told her that I was sorry she felt this way.
Again, nothing big today, but just more ramblings of a LBS... Anyone else have some experiences similar to this???
Again, nothing big today, but just more ramblings of a LBS... Anyone else have some experiences similar to this???
With the issue of control? Yes, early on my STBEW hated me GAL because I wouldn't let her "control" me anymore. I didn't answer to her and it drove her nuts.
Feeling good, but venting a little. I was texting the W about the timing of a potential vacation for just me and the kids later in the summer. She goes from "ok, just let me know" to "I've got to go I'm losing it" in like 2 seconds flat.
Could it be because last time you went on vacation with the kids it was the longest she's been away from them? If so, then that is something she will have to get used to. Maybe its why she had to go so quickly?
The other day she confessed that my D13 are so close that she often feels like an outcast and left out. I told her that I was sorry she felt this way.
In my position, if my STBEW said that to me I would just have to quote Seinfeld and say; "That's a shame". However, your sitch is nowhere near mine so I would say it was probably wise to validate her feelings there. Did you guys discuss this issue any further?
Feeling good, but venting a little. I was texting the W about the timing of a potential vacation for just me and the kids later in the summer. She goes from "ok, just let me know" to "I've got to go I'm losing it" in like 2 seconds flat.
Could it be because last time you went on vacation with the kids it was the longest she's been away from them? If so, then that is something she will have to get used to. Maybe its why she had to go so quickly?
Could be. To me this is all part of "the other shoe dropping". It's one thing to separate from me, but it's a lot more separating from the family. She's already been saying over and over that she's going to have to be the bad guy. It just sounds like a lot of guilt IMHO.
The other day she confessed that my D13 are so close that she often feels like an outcast and left out. I told her that I was sorry she felt this way.
In my position, if my STBEW said that to me I would just have to quote Seinfeld and say; "That's a shame". However, your sitch is nowhere near mine so I would say it was probably wise to validate her feelings there. Did you guys discuss this issue any further?
Yes. She was spending the day with my D13 on Monday going to an awards ceremony a few hours away. I knew she was going to get QT with my D13, so I wished her well in getting to spend all the QT and followed up with hoping it helped. She said thanks and it was a great day.
All part of 180's on my part as I know I would have said I was glad she got to do this before, but definitely more in tune with her feelings right now.
It's our school-church Fair this weekend and we've been blessed with incredible weather. Been some good light interaction, but that's about it.
My W was talking about my SIL's Ex-H who is a real piece of work. Just a plain narcissistic, grade A, you know what, and she looks at me and says "please tell me we'll never be like that". Hard to hear that and validate because it's a gut punch and I simply looked at her like that was nonsense - the behavior, not the us as separated.
She's driven herself to a lonely place as she just hung around with me and my best friend because "she has no friends now". We've been at this school/church for about 12 years. It's like she's isolated herself and I'm just not going to pity party that. These are her choices to do so.
My friend, who's M is also in a rocky spot, said "you would have no idea that y'all are in trouble they way the two of y'all interact". The hopeful part of me knows this is because there is more good than bad in our R. The not so hopeful says it's cause she's done and already moved on with nothing to fight for. Either way, it's about me, GAL and my kids.
Had IC on Friday and it was another good session. My counselor is not the greatest, but for some reason he still works for me. In some ways, I just think forcing yourself to purge the bad, bad stuff that you only keep in your head/soul/heart/whatever is just such a relief. It clears a lot of pain, fears, etc.
Next weekend for Mother's Day, I will not have the kids, so after tonight I only get them on Wed PM/Thur/Fri AM. I've had travel for work and so that "softens" that blow, but I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm trying to plan out my next week/plus to do a sugar detox. Been losing a bit of weight but trying to jump start before Summer.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend and GAL'ing. Be well.
She's driven herself to a lonely place as she just hung around with me and my best friend because "she has no friends now". We've been at this school/church for about 12 years. It's like she's isolated herself and I'm just not going to pity party that. These are her choices to do so.
Tryin, my W has pushed herself into a similar spot. All of her friends are either on FB or in another state via text. You are correct in not joining the pity party, but you can help in filling that gap. Just make sure you don't go way out of your way doing it and that it's something you want to do. I've made no headway in fixing our friendship, but it seems like you and your W have an ok base from which to work. Saying that having read the first couple pages of your first thread and the first one of this one, but will catch up soon.
Either way, it's about me, GAL and my kids.
Yes, 100% spot on!
In some ways, I just think forcing yourself to purge the bad, bad stuff that you only keep in your head/soul/heart/whatever is just such a relief. It clears a lot of pain, fears, etc.
It does, but you've always got to be cognizant that it's there. Don't bury it and think you've purged it. Let your head/soul/heart/whatever process it, experience it, and let go of it. Once you can do that you can lessen the magnitude of some of the peaks and troughs we all experience on this roller coaster ride. Self awareness is huge.
I'm trying to plan out my next week/plus to do a sugar detox. Been losing a bit of weight but trying to jump start before Summer.
This will make you feel so much better. Let us know how the detox goes.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend and GAL'ing. Be well.
Hang in there brother. These times are tough but as you've seen in your past, not insurmountable. Keep making yourself better and you'll be good.
You are correct in not joining the pity party, but you can help in filling that gap. Just make sure you don't go way out of your way doing it and that it's something you want to do.
So much easier said than done. One of those things that you have to be careful with but not too careful or else it comes across as fake or manipulating. Hard to do it without making yourself too vulnerable.
It does, but you've always got to be cognizant that it's there. Don't bury it and think you've purged it.
Yes!! I guess the purge word was too strong. It's really about just acknowledging and being aware than anything and not letting it get the best of you.
This will make you feel so much better. Let us know how the detox goes.
We shall see. I've been up and down in weight all my life and really know what I need to do. It's about commitment and lifestyle change. You can be "all in" one minute and then "off the wagon" the next. Hoping for a good week. Heading to the beach in over 3 weeks so wanting to make a go at a solid couple weeks of healthy eating.
Looking for advice. Just got a text from the W thanking me for working with her on the kids and it brings her a lot of peace.
I think this is all just the classic "check the box" that everything is going to be ok with being divorced, so let's just get divorced. It's such the simple answer because heavy lifting is just not the way to go for the WAS.
I can't imagine really having anything to say that changes that path and I guess I'm just rambling about it. I'd rather say take your peace and shove it!! I just don't think or know of anything that would derail the D-train and I guess that's just it.
Ugh, so frustrating, but don't we all know it and live it.
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" springs to mind. Why even bother responding, anyway?
Why even bother responding, anyway?
Good point. Man, never thought of a thanks that would would set me off so much. I'd like to say that I give zero [expletive of your choice] about your peace and am just doing what I need to do for my family.
I guess part of me is still sitting here thinking she's just continuing to convince herself D is the right answer. By her telling me it brings her peace that she's happy with where we are as separated/heading for D. Well, I'm not and I'm far from it. I'm not going to beg/plead, but man is it frustrating.
Part of me wanting to say something too is 180. ...Syndrome has plagued my life and saying something with a firm hand on this might be needed, but I just don't know what that statement is.
We got here the first time around because she was a stay at home mom and did everything for the kids while I just busted my arse off. Balanced that out a bit and then after we got back together my W stopped working. As soon as she went back to work in September, I definitely picked up more load with the kids because I knew I needed to.
I just feel like it's the "well, this should be no problem to co-parent, so let's do this" and that's just all horse sh1t to me.
I know what you mean. "This is what I would have done in the past, and is exactly what is/was wrong with me, I NEED to do the 'correct' thing here" plagues me constantly. The problem is that that isn't necessarily what you need to do, is it? Just because it's different than you would have done in the past doesn't make it right.
Keep remembering your goals, and what it's going to take to get there. Do what supports those goals. Throw away every possible action that doesn't.
Hang in there, Tryin.
Thanks East. Got back to the apartment and went for a good walk/jog and stairs (free workout when you're on the 3rd floor of an apt). Just kept running around in my mind about what good would come out of this and there's really nothing that would not turn into something ugly.
To me, this is just so selfish to just tap out and run and it just made me furious about giving her peace. What about my D13's peace, S10's peace and he11 even my dog's peace. I don't get it. But it all comes across as judgmental like her feelings mean nothing and that is the last thing that needs to come out right now.
So I can share it with you fine folks who grind it too....
Time for dinner and call my munchkins. Hope everyone has a good evening. Thanks for tuning into WTRY FM... Home of LBS Alt-Rock, Classic Rock and Metal up your arse!!!! :-)
Look on the bright side: at least you've got great taste in music.
So didn't respond and my W was scrambling to find me this morning. I had a dentist appt and had worked from the apt, so just didn't reply.
She said she was just worried and once she starts to worry she needs to know I'm ok. I said "why?". It's all about control. She gets nervous when she's not in control and she's always wanted me to be in control only if I do it how she likes it. Now, I'm up to the challenge, but my way, and she's out.
She called me on setting up summer camp for our S10 and what weeks work. I had told her I was planning a trip late in July but didn't finalize until last week. Mentioned we'd be going to see my Uncle north of Atlanta and she gets snappy saying you never told me that. I was like I just finalized last week so there you go we're heading to see my Uncle.
She says you don't need to get snappy (and I was not). I said that wasn't snappy but just finalized dates last week.
30 minutes later, I get the text "we need to get an attorney. sorry to text this but a convo is too hard." Again, her control, her terms, so she can have it all tied up and move on with her life and her peace. I ask again, what about my D13's peace? What about my S10's peace?
Sorry for the ramblings, but I know all the LBS's understand.
Called out the W about texting the need to get an attorney and how she needs to be able to act like a grown up to deal with her choice and decision. She apologized.
Still just so infuriating. Breathing in the good and out the bad.
It's a crazy journey isn't it?
I wish I had some advice to share but all I can come up with is to continue to detach.
She's on her path and you are on yours. If she's anything like my W, she will spew some crazy things out at you that defy logic.
Don't believe a word she says right now, she's clearly conflicted.
No doubt it's a crazy journey, Thornton.
Had a long chat with my SIL and it's more of the same. My W is not reaching out to her sister, her mom, her dad because they're all questioning her decisions. She doesn't want to listen to any of that.
My SIL told me during our school/church fair this weekend that my W was doing the classic guilt transference to everyone but herself. Said that our school people / friends are just different than what it used to be, she doesn't belong, etc. Classic guilt running through.
SIL said any mention of the kids to my W and my W just blows up Hiroshima style and says definitively that the kids will be fine. Similar to my blurb earlier about "brings her peace", she's got a one-track self-centered mind right now and that's all that's allowed.
I woke up fine after hearing all this because I know my path is good and my path is true. I'm happy where I'm at and where I'm going. Looking forward to what lies ahead.
Hope everyone has a great day.
Mine is all about the control as well. Everything has to be done her way and on her timetable. Makes it very difficult to deal with a person like that.
After I set boundaries she got more resentful because I wasn't allowing her control over me anymore. She acted like it was me just being difficult and giving her attitude.
I woke up fine after hearing all this because I know my path is good and my path is true. I'm happy where I'm at and where I'm going. Looking forward to what lies ahead.
^^^ Nice, good job on staying positive.
Thanks Bdog. I'm sure I'm going to run into that with her saying it's attitude/difficulty. Long winding road.
On being positive, it's weird because generally I'm more of a glass half empty guy, but this stuff starts up and I'm glass half full regardless of outcome. Don't get me wrong there are some ups and downs and really far downs, but generally it's all good.
Caught up with my MIL and she's just so sad for me and the kids and thinks her daughter is nuts. She said "this is gonna catch up to her at some point". Doesn't change anything, but appreciate the love and support.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. I get to work on Habitat for Humanity this weekend and looking forward to it. Of course Mother's Day is a little different this year. I did a lot of work with my D13 on her scrapbook for my W. Got something with my S10 for her as well. I haven't been the best at that in the past and this is the year of all years to do good. Interesting piece is I only did it because the kids wanted to do it. It felt good to see them excited.
Hope all the Mothers on this board have a wonderful Mother's Day.
My W is definitely in her own world and she sounds like she's all over the board. Still 110% set on D as we have a meeting with the attorney next week.
Monday, I got a call from her while she was at the doctor because her insurance card was not working. She asked me if I had dropped her already from coverage. I was like "are you nuts?". It was just a mix up at the doctors.
I'm pulling together financial information in prep of our meeting next week and I plan to share that along with some questions on how we'll handle schedule with the kids, finances, etc. Want to give her that this weekend so she has some time before our meeting Thursday.
It will be interesting to see how this all goes. We do well enough together financially, but y'all know when you split it up it's a lot harder to pay those bills especially with a D13 and S10.
Interesting times ahead.
Good news is I'm still really happy with where I'm going with myself and my kids. Hope everyone has a good day.
So I was chatting with my SIL last night who was on her way with my FIL to dinner and she said, "don't tell your W". I chuckled because we're not really talking these days, but anyway. I asked why and she said they just didn't want to invite her because she blows up at every little thing.
I'm not mind reading or all that as we know there's no mind reading with a WAS. It's just interesting knowing that my W is continuing to build her own time bomb with this. She normally handles her $hit really well and for her to do that means she just can't.
I'm almost finished on organizing our finances to send to her since we meet with the attorney on Thursday. Two big items that are going to come up: 1) schedule and 2) spousal support.
On schedule, we're currently doing a similar schedule to last time. Mon/Tues - W; Wed/Thur - Me; alternate Fri/Sat/Sun. This is easy right now since kids are staying in the house and she and I switching life at the apartment. I don't see this working long term, so I'm going to push week on/off. I don't think she'd like to be away from them for that long but it's easier for the kids.
Spousal Support is optional and 4 years ago I would have provided something to her. I'm not inclined to do so this time. She's got a better paying job than she did 4 years ago and it's much more stable, but it's more than that. This is about giving up and walking away.
I know piecing is hard work. I wrote earlier on my sitch that I was shocked to read posts I did 4 years ago on how confused I was in piecing. I love my wife and I know underneath the walk away fog she loves me. When she lets her guard down, I still get those soft eyes that I know it's still there, but the walk away fog is thick and tough to break.
I see a bumpy road ahead if we try to R, but isn't it all worth the work, pain, stress, etc. to see if it would work. My D has one more year in grade school, so only 5 more years before college. I don't want her half time during these years. I will not get that missed time back.
My W is just walking away from me and our family and she wants her freedom. I will pay for that with my lost time with my kids and not having the family together. I do not see where I need to pay spousal support on top of that. Her choice, her decision, her consequences. She has to lay in the bed she makes.
It will be interested too once we meet with the lawyer because if we are pushing forward I plan on starting the split finances to minimize cake eating. Reality has to hit on what all this means. Not being selfish here, but just protecting my interests.
Enough of the bad stuff... my S10 asked me the other day about our vacation later this summer and I told him we'd be visiting my Uncle who he loves (and D13 loves too). He's so excited especially when I told him my Uncle now lives on a golf course and has a golf cart. I think we could go there and he'd be happy driving the cart for 5 days straight and not get bored.
Really looking forward to that trip as we're looking into some white water rafting (first time for all 3 of us unless you count those big tube rides at Disney or Six Flags where you get soaked) and horse back riding.
Hope everyone has a great weekend doing some GAL activities.
All the best.
Learned more of my W's strained relationship with her family right now. It's really bad and my W is leaving for the beach with them next weekend. She's going with them until mid-week and we're swapping out (we planned this vacation before our separation). Her family is a big fan and supporter of me hence the strain on my W and them.
My W chewed out her mom for not supporting her like she did when her mom divorced her step-dad. Her mom went quickly into a new marriage and she said some bad things about her mom's new husband. We all love her mom's new husband and he's made her happier than I've seen her in the near 20 years I've known her. It really hurt my MIL (info from SIL).
My W told my MIL that my SIL gives her the most stress in her life (learned from SIL). I told my SIL that it's all guilt transfer. My SIL has been asking my W about how finances are going to look, thinking about big picture of this and just general support, but my W just sees it as not supporting her decision.
I really think she's holding onto her decision for dear life and I hate that for her. It's got to be a terrifying and lonely place/existence. Her shoes to walk in, so not my business.
Had a great time with the kids yesterday. Heading over to my mom's with the kidos for pancakes this morning. My W had the kids last weekend for Mother's Day, so sort of a delayed visit for that. My kids (and I) love my mom's pancakes. Should be fun.
Well, I've been waiting for the "other shoe to drop" and I think the financial one just did this morning. We've been trading some info about our finances and talking child support numbers.
All has been decent discussions, but I think the light bulb went off this morning on how hard it will be as a single parent for her. I've been the main breadwinner and my W has been primarily a SAHM for our M. She started a job in the early fall that pays her very well for her experience and she's outstanding at it. Only issue is her boss can be a real jerk and I could see her quit or be fired because of his actions. She knows she would not make as much in a similar role if she found one.
We discussed that she would keep the house and I'm totally fine with that. This is the house she bought with help from her dad 4 years ago when we separated. She then was talking about saving up for the down payment and I had to remind her about our finances and how we'd be separated financially. None of my credit cards, no access to our joint account (where my paycheck goes - she has her own account for her job), etc. There was a pause and she said she had to go.
A co-worker of mine asked me last week if she flips out because of finances and comes back would I want her. His point was because it would be from finances and not be for me. It was a painful question, but one that I've thought about. I know her leaving has less to do with me and more to do with her. It has everything to do with her not wanting to be alone in her M, to feel love, intimacy, friendship, etc. Have I done that during the years? Yes, but a pretty horrible job at it.
Why have I done this poorly? I could write a 500 page book on why it seems these days and I'm still learning more on my contributions, issues, fears, etc. that lead us here. That's all I can do is learn and be a better man going forward and you bet your a$$ that's what I'm doing.
Man this road is painful, but I'm learning and growing and that's what I need to do. I started this 4 years ago and basically stopped before I really got going. Not going to happen this time whether I'm with my W or not.
All the best to everyone out there, especially the LBS's.
Looking for advice. Do I just let my W swim in this mess she's making? Deal with her issues on her own with no support from me or use as an opportunity?
One of the biggest things I'm working on is being a better listener. I've been terrible at that. In one sense, I think she just needs to figure this out on her own and in another I see an opportunity to show her changes in myself.
Thoughts?
Is she asking you for help in regards to her finances?
You have been at this a lot longer than me, but personally I would let her walk her own path. The moment she "fires" you as a husband should be the moment you stop being her safety net. Unless, of course, it involves the children.
I still get asked for help on various things all the time, but unfortunately I no longer fill that role in her life. IMPO she gave that up when she filed, but each sitch is different so ultimately it will be up to you to decide on if you should or shouldn't.
This is a painful road and there are no right answers. What works for some don't work for others so good luck my friend.
How come you can't let her swim in her own mess and be a good listener?
Bdog / Thornton,
Thanks for the help. I've brought up the "being fired" or I think I phrased it as "you don't want me to be that guy anymore". I think she said something like that's unfair and I was like what else do you want me to call it.
For listening, it's harder these days because we're separated physically. Conversations are mostly through text and about kids stuff only. I've been validating but I guess the opportunities are so few and far between I feel like I'm not getting enough at bats. (Put me in coach, I'm ready to play)
Best luck to y'all too.
Hey Tryin,
It is unfair, but for me it is the tough love approach. She has to realize what it is like loosing you.
For listening, it's harder these days because we're separated physically. Conversations are mostly through text and about kids stuff only
I totally get what you are saying. Just be sure to listen well and validate when you do get your opportunities. Also, make sure this 180 is for you and not your W. Remember what you said in a previous post....
I'm learning and growing and that's what I need to do. I started this 4 years ago and basically stopped before I really got going. Not going to happen this time whether I'm with my W or not.
Inner growth is what its all about my friend and good luck!
Thanks Bdog. No doubt the 180's, changes, GAL, etc. are all for me and for my kids. I've never been closer to my D13 than right now and am so totally enjoying it (and I know she is too).
GAL tonight with two of my high school buddies who both have their own issues to deal with in their M's. All 3 of us have such interesting sitch's right now. Will be a good time.
I never thought I'd be typing this as an update, but here I am. I've mentioned how my W has been really seeming to lose it (not temper, but just her marbles for lack of a better description) and she did today. I'm traveling for work and was coordinating with her about my S10's day tomorrow after school via text. She texts "It has been a terrible day".
I asked why and texts started flying about how she failed, how she walked, how she gave up, etc. Once settled in my hotel room, I called to hear her rambling frantically. She couldn't get any words out. She's had a PA with a co-worker as recent as last week and it started in February.
She's confused about how much she's messed up everything. It was getting real for her because we were going to see the attorney on Thursday. Her job has also become less stable and it does not help having a co-worker who she's done these horrible things (her words).
So now what? I've cancelled our appointment with the attorney on Thursday and will be calling our MC for an appointment. She's on the phone as we speak telling this co-worker its over and there will be NC. She thinks she will be fired or will quit and I'm ok with either. Bottom line is the OM has to stop or I'll be calling my attorney quickly. I've been suggesting to my W to go see an IC for months and I think she might now.
It's weird. I'm not devastated. I'm hurt, but I guess some part of me knew this could happen down deep. Like I said, I get a whiff of anything and my attorney will be called.
I guess I'll go back to the initial threads from Cadet to check out more information on dealing with a Wayward Wife. Good news is I know that quality information from Sandi will help.
Man am I glad I have an IC appointment on Friday.
All the best.
Whoa! Proceed with caution my friend.
Have ZERO expectations. She could reverse course soon so be prepared for it.
I'm cautiously optimistic for you!
That's a ride man, sorry you have to deal with it. Seems like a super step forward if she's really committed and I hope you can go through it without backsliding. I'm thinking that she still has a lot of work to do on herself but I'm hoping this leads to good things
Tryin,
IMO you need to slow down. Your wife has twice told you she doesn't want you anymore and now a confirmed PA and you are going to take her back that easily?
Your calling the MC?
IMO she needs to do all the heavy lifting to earn a third chance with you.
Thanks Guys. Not taking her back, but we're not filing at this point.
For MC, I'll schedule that no brainer. She's going to have to find an IC of her own and start that. She's got a lot of stuff to process.
My heavy lifting is still just about improving the things I've been wanting to improve. If these improvements help our M, then we'll continue working at it. If not, I'll call the lawyer.
Baby steps...
Hey Tryin,
This roller coaster is not the fun kind, is it? I agree with all the others here who say slow down, take 10 deep breaths, let your brain lead you in the next steps, not your heart. Be smart, and take care of Tryin FIRST. The rest will follow, one way or the other. But you are the one who needs the oxygen mask on FIRST. Good luck! We've got your back.
Tryin,
Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that. Kinda heed what Thornton had to say tho. I would NOT have any expectations. Reversal is a possibility on her part. Unfortunately, I experienced it first hand and in only a few short weeks. Hang in there man.
Thanks guys. I got home from traveling last night and we talked for a good hour or two and then neither of us were sleeping this morning around 3:30 so another 2 1/2 hours of chatting. All good stuff about how we ended up here and what we'd like to do differently going forward.
I told her I'd like to keep the apartment for now to give some breathing space as needed. We have our split beach trip next week and I still plan on giving her with her family a few days without me. I'll join them (W was going to come back mid-week, but now is staying whole week).
Waiting to hear back from MC and I told my W I want her to see an IC. She needed this anyway, but I think it's the only way she's going to be able to navigate her guilt on all this. The infidelity, giving up and walking again, etc.
I've got my IC appointment tomorrow and is such great timing.
All the best.
Thought y'all would enjoy this. My W is now researching all sort of marriage improvement, self-help type materials. She sends me a picture of The Divorce Remedy and says "I think we should check this one out", so I pull out my copy that I carry with me and send back a picture of it.
Will be interesting to see her go through the book. Leaving for the beach on Saturday, but I'm guessing she might knock out a good bit of it today/tomorrow.
Good news! Stay cool and have no expectations. No pursuing!
That's awesome Tyrin! Glad to hear the W wants to put in some work as well! Hopefully she stays committed with it. I would still not pressure her to read DR if she doesn't or doesn't read as much as you had wished. Remember what Thornton said...no expectations. Keep your focus on yourself and the DB principles. Good luck my friend!
Thanks Thornton and Bdog. I think there's been more open and honest dialogue in the last 72 hours than the last 7 years of our marriage. It's heavy but it's really good.
She's leaving for the beach with the kids tomorrow and her family. Our plan was to switch out on Wednesday, but now I'll head down there Tuesday. I decided it was best for us that she go alone to start the vacation because a) she needs time with her Sister and Mom after fighting for the last few months and b) I need my time. I already have plans and I did not want to change. Last time we quickly felt relief when we "reconciled" and did not learn. That's not happening this time.
Bdog - On DR, I'm not asking her to read. I've just pulled out the book and she can use it if she'd like. 4 years ago I let her read it and she threw it at me saying "it's not that easy". My bad last time. That first chapter just makes so much sense about the big picture, but if you're not ready for it you're not ready for it. It's available if she wants to read.
Hope everyone has a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend.
Hey Guys,
Just checking in. Got back from the beach on Saturday and we had a great time. Lots of honest discussion and was harder than anticipated when we got back home for my W. We talked through it for a couple of hours and it was all good open dialogue.
She's working through her guilt and struggling. Guilt for the two of us, guilt for the kids, guilt for the OM - both the infidelity and hurting the OM. This really is a massive process that takes time, pain and support.
What I'm most excited about is our discussions about the decision to do the work and give us a chance at our M. We've both recognized that the reconciliation we had 4 years ago was not a true reconciliation. It was done more out of fear and then we just got comfortable. We did not do the work necessary to change our M.
Our MC is on vacation this week, so we don't get to see her until next Thursday. I think this is actually a good thing because we'll have a week or so having to work on it ourselves. We can talk to her about our problems we may be experiencing and how to deal. I've got a work trip over the weekend too and I think that's good too. My W is very weak now emotionally, but I do travel for work on a regular basis. We've got to sort out how we both deal with that during this difficult time.
We are both optimistic about what we can do and I'm thankful for that, but I know bumps will be in the road, fears will have to be conquered, etc.
All the best.
That's all good news and sounds very positive Tryin. Good to hear!
Now the real work begins, but it sounds like the both of you are truly committed this time so that's a big plus! Maybe the both of you can learn from your mistakes during the last recon and really put in the necessary work so that you guys come out stronger in the long run.
Just stay at it my friend so you don't end up here for round 3 and congrats!
Tryin,
Just want to say that both of you actually WORKING through this sounds great. Wishing nothing but the best for you!
You're headed in the right direction, my friend!
My fingers are crossed!
Many thanks guys. I'm happy to be in this position and recognizing how fortunate we are to really give it a go. It's going to be hard work, but we're aware that it is all worth it.
All the best to y'all.
Tryin,
Good for you! You are a good dude, you deserve happiness!
Met with our marriage counselor yesterday and the best part about it was that we both believe in each other and our ability to do this thing. Our counselor looked to us and said you call me if you need me.
Things have been so open and honest and real. We're very fortunate, but it's still slow and steady.
Happy Father's Day to all of the Father's on this board.
All the best,
it's always nice to hear a success story. Good luck in the process. I am hoping now that we started MC that we realize how both of us can do this and that we believe in each other as well. But of course these things take time...
Right now you're in a honeymoon/hyper-bonding phase. You're so thrilled that she wants you and wants to keep the family together that you're completely disregarding her cheating. She slept with another man. You can't sweep that under the rug. I just want you to be prepared for the day when your joy over reconciling gets a jolt when rage rears its ugly head. At some point you're going to rage over her laying with OM. You need to be ready when that hits or bad things can happen. First is your acknowledgement that you know it's coming and to have a strategy for when it hits you. Other than seemingly overlooking that, you're doing well.
Tobias - It's really important that both of y'all are "in it to win it". We had counseling 4 years ago, but my W has now admitted that the whole time she was still blaming me for everything. She had not acknowledged her own contributions. Now that she has and is working on them (and I'm working on mine), I feel like we've got a good shot.
TxHubby - Believe me, I have not overlooked this. I have not had to write much on this on the board because I'm handling through my counseling sessions and conversations with my W. It has not been easy, but one thing I've recognized is her A was not they symptom it was the outcome of our former M/R. I say former marriage/relationship because it's all new going forward. Addressing those things that brought us to where we got 4 years ago and recently.
Onwards and upwards...