I need as much help as I can get.
This May will be 17 years married.
We have had a rocky marriage with good times and bad ones.
The last 2-3 years have been really rough.
Me and my W were stuck in this vicious cycle of arguing then finally making up and then repeating it almost every other month.
The last 7-8 months we just completely disconnected from each other. It got to the point 6 weeks ago we were ready to divorce and I was going to move out. I slept in my car for 2 days at work with no distractions.
Just me and my thoughts and as if a giant light bulb went on, I realized where I have failed in our relationship.
I was able to get see through my frustration and hurt feelings and saw what I needed to do to try and make things right instead of blaming her.
I went home to talk to her after this and we had a conversation. She said "I am not in love with you anymore" and it broke my heart. I remained calm and strong and we decided that it was probably best for me to stay in the house financially.
I have come to realize through these last few weeks that my wife is having an affair and it seems she is in love with the OM.
I have thought about this long and hard and know that I can and will forgive her if given the chance.
I lover her so much and just want her back but don't know what to do.
I have read a lot on the internet and have not begged and pleaded for her to come back.
I have gone through many changes internally and physically. I have lost 22 lbs and been taking care of myself.
I have been respectful to my W and have showed her nothing but sincere love without saying love her.
We are actually at a point where we are talking nicely to each other and she actually let me come sleep in the bedroom again as long as I stay on my side.
I know she goes out once a week and sees him and I have been trying to go out once a week to reconnect with old friends.
Trying to get a life again but the OM constantly texts her he misses her and loves her.
I haven't told her that I know.
Stupid me was going to try and wait it out and just be there for her when she needed me.
I am slowly dying inside.
I have my good days and my bad days but I am making it through.
I am wondering where do I begin.
Please help.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
My mind is all scattered right now. I forgot to mention that we have to children. A daughter who will be 18 and going to college this year and a son who is 7 years old. Just trying to add more details about our Marriage.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Pew,
Sorry you're here, but your in good company. On Cadet's post with the links above, you should probably start with the link under "For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2". If you know there's OM involved, this is where to start.
Keep up the good work on yourself and do focus on your relationship with your kids. It's a great outlet to improve one's self.
All the best.
I will read up on that now. Thank you everyone for your responses. From what I have seen over the past few weeks this is truly a compassionate and caring community.
I will read up on that now.
Yes READ, READ, READ and READ some more.
The links and the books.
I am wondering where do I begin.
There is no where to begin. This isn't about the marriage anymore. This is all about you and your kids, nothing else. Honestly, given the fact that your "wife" is in love with the OM should be fuel enough for you to realize that she is on her own road and that road does not have room for you, nor does she want it to. So, where does that leave you? Work on yourself and yourself only.
One question, Should I confront her about the affair and if so how do I handle the conversation?
Hello PEW1974,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Healing from infidelity is achievable with the right support and tools.
What were you like when the two of you met? Focus all of your time, effort and energy on yourself and your children.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
One question, Should I confront her about the affair and if so how do I handle the conversation?
Speaking for myself, confronting about the EAs she was having only pushed her deeper into them. She had checked out of our marriage already, because she felt like she wasn't getting what she needed from me. She was unwilling to give up the "friends" that were making her "feel better" (I still think they're one of the CAUSES of her problems, but she doesn't and that's what matters) to go back to what made her unhappy, so it just pushed her further away from me, and closer to them.
Even her being confronted by the truth of what I was saying didn't change that. She just rationalized it away.
what is the goal of confronting her?
Dig deep before answering...
and have you read the Div Remedy or Div Busting, book?
I need as much help as I can get.
This May will be 17 years married.
We have had a rocky marriage with good times and bad ones.
The last 2-3 years have been really rough.
Me and my W were stuck in this vicious cycle of arguing then finally making up and then repeating it almost every other month.
The last 7-8 months we just completely disconnected from each other. It got to the point 6 weeks ago we were ready to divorce and I was going to move out. I slept in my car for 2 days at work with no distractions.
Just me and my thoughts and as if a giant light bulb went on, I realized where I have failed in our relationship.
I was able to get see through my frustration and hurt feelings and saw what I needed to do to try and make things right instead of blaming her.
what were the things YOU want to work on, in you? How are you doing with making those changes?
Your w will probably not trust your changes, and wants out of a marriage that has not been meeting her needs for a long time
** (not saying she's blameless! Just that you can only control your end of the street and she's not here trying to save the m, you are).**
So how are you showing her that marriage to you can be better/different than the one she wants out of? What steps are you taking to "fix" the way you react when you feel anger, b/c we all feel anger at times. What are the ongoing issues you two mostly fight about?
Is it a question of "we fight about everything but then we escalate fast" or is it about issues that are painful for one or both, and just don't ever get really fixed?
Here's the math of it
small consistent changes + time = change she can believe in.
You understand more than most that your m was vulnerable to an affair, in part b/c of choices you made.
So if you make different choices, over time & consistently, and become the best PEW that you can be, that's the best you can do.
(And it will be enough in the long run & down the road, for you to be at peace.)
For now, You have to counter her negative images with the opposite, positives images. Like if she said you are always late, you become MR PUNCTUAL and arrive on time or early, for everything. You want her "data" about you to be seen as false or no longer accurate. Her data about you won't be "real".
From the sounds of it, you have a temper issue and do not know how to "fight fair" or resolve conflicts.
If you did, you would not have the same cycle of fights every month. It's like an attack and retreat approach to a war without end.
One of you changing DOES change the dynamic. And it doesn't mean surrender. It means handing conflicts in a healthy way
no one "Likes" conflict so please don't react with the "I'm conflict avoidant" reply. Resolving disagreements is just mandatory for healthy adult relationships.
So that's something to work on...yes?
I went home to talk to her after this and we had a conversation. She said "I am not in love with you anymore" and it broke my heart. I remained calm and strong
^^that's great.
and we decided that it was probably best for me to stay in the house financially.
I have come to realize through these last few weeks that my wife is having an affair and it seems she is in love with the OM.
don't mind read about how she feels OR believe what she says or wonder if it's real or going to be lasting, etc. Don't get into her head as it relates to him.
He's not the issue or cause of marital strife, as you know. He's a symptom of her unmet needs and a troubled m, which you know AND which is something you can change.
I have thought about this long and hard and know that I can and will forgive her if given the chance.
Before you speak of forgiveness, don't assume she doesn't have a ton of resentment about you and a lot of forgiveness she'll have to do to even want to reconcile. It's way premature to talk of forgiveness, plus my guess is she does not feel wrong about the A,
she feels justified. She probably blames you.
*To be clear, I'm not defending her A. I'm someone who does not see all Affairs as alike, and I know some are a lot easier to recover from, than others. There's empirical data to support this statement, btw.*
No good marriage can endure without a lot of mutual forgiveness, offered, given, requested and accepted, often.
I lover her so much and just want her back but don't know what to do.
Did you deeply want her back before you realized you were losing her?
Part of every LBSer's challenge is finding that fine line between ego (i.e. wanting to "win"- or at least NOT to be the rejected one)
and really wanting to restore the m with the spouse to whom they were married.
I have read a lot on the internet and have not begged and pleaded for her to come back.
Get and read the Div Busting or Div Remedy (like the 2nd edition of the first) book asap. Really, don't skim it. Take it in and process it. If possible, get a DB coach. I found mine to be invaluable and totally worth it.
No matter what else, I'm a better woman for it.
But what are the negative images of you that you want to counter, with your w?
I have gone through many changes internally and physically. I have lost 22 lbs and been taking care of myself.
I have been respectful to my W and have showed her nothing but sincere love without saying love her.
can you give a specific example? And just to be clear, not to harp, but you do know that being "respectful" is a basic... right?
We are actually at a point where we are talking nicely to each other and she actually let me come sleep in the bedroom again as long as I stay on my side.
PEW
First, you have the right to be in the marital bed. Period. Respect her physical boundaries (& don't be a jerk about asserting yours)
but don't act as if she's doing you a favor by "letting" you in the bed you both own...
Second, it's GOOD that you are able to have conversations without tempers flaring.
Listen to her and gather information about what matters most to her, not b/c everything she says is true or accurate (though she may mean it at the time)...consider it a "reconnaissance mission" if you will. Spend more time listening than talking and figure out somewhere in there, what parts of what she says ring true.
3rd, there will be posters here - who will exclusively focus on your w's A and how wrong she is and how "all affairs are always wrong and there's never any excuse" etc etc.
They will condemn her and want you to also. (Never mind your goal of saving the m). They will have zero insight into what made your m vulnerable. They may fuel your anger.
They are usually victims of infidelity (as am I) and there are always parts of us that project our own pain and situations onto others. That's human nature and besides, we want you to learn from our errors and experiences.
Just Remember that you know your m and your flaws better than we do. Just a thought.
I know she goes out once a week and sees him and I have been trying to go out once a week to reconnect with old friends.
Trying to get a life again but the OM constantly texts her he misses her and loves her.
I haven't told her that I know.
Stupid me was going to try and wait it out and just be there for her when she needed me.
Do you have children? If so, how many and what are their ages? If possible, I would go out A LOT MORE and be mysterious.
You really need to read the DB book or the Div Remedy book asap. It'll explain 2 basics right away
"GAL" means Getting A Life apart from your m. It's key to being able to DETACH from the situation and not worry so much about what she is thinking/planning/feeling
and feel more "together". You can't go losing it, or "dying inside" for long. It's too damn hard and painful.
The other part of GAL is being a bit mysterious. Check the DB rules that Sandi posted around here somewhere.
In fact let me see if I have them...okay here they are with a few added ones so, there are 40
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to reach out to you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc.
4. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances - Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not schedule dates or trips together at this point. (That is pursuing.)
9. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, Social media, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
10. Do not say "I Love You" (If he says it, assume he means it as the mother of your children. Friends, in effect).
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.*** No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show or speak to them with happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. BE A MAN ONLY A FOOL WOULD LEAVE***
That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with, (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a LONG TIME, OR NEVER) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait…..GET OFF THE PHONE or leave the room…politely of course.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared and bitter.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they are "tactics" which won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes or alcohol where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.
39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.
40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed by him. What matters is this day and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is freeing.
I am slowly dying inside.
I have my good days and my bad days but I am making it through.
I am wondering where do I begin.
Please help.
To begin, Get the book, read it and meanwhile, learn to use the rules and apply them. Post and read here...
and hang in there, there is hope - as you are in the house and she can see the changes,
and you can start GAL to Detach and make some progress!
what is the goal of confronting her?
What is the goal of not? Just let it continue? Really?
My mind is all scattered right now. I forgot to mention that we have to children. A daughter who will be 18 and going to college this year and a son who is 7 years old. Just trying to add more details about our Marriage.
thanks - I missed that.
Be the best most involved father you can be right now.
First, it's the right thing to do and your kids need you more now than ever.
Second, it's extremely attractive to a woman to see her children lovingly interacting with their father. No woman is unmoved by that.
Is there certain times I need to call between? I am currently at work and usually work 10-11 hours a day. Is there a consultation fee? Sorry but I am new to this and am very interested in saving my wife and my marriage.
I couldn't fathom NOT confronting a WW. This is the ultimate act of disrespect that a spouse can show. In my case, I took a week after discovering my W's A. I then confronted her and told her she had to move out of the house. I knew she was planning on leaving in the near future on her own but because I confronted her, she left on MY terms. I made it very clear that I would NOT be treated that way.
A big part of the mindset of a WW is disrespect. If you allow your W to continue in her A while living under your roof and being supported by you, then you are saying that you are OK with being disrespected which is VERY unattractive.
Some people do continue without confronting but I don't know how they do it. You may not be able to kick her out of the house based on the laws of your state, but at a bare minimum, I would kick her out of the MBR. The MBR is a sacred place only for people committed to the R. She's not so she has to go.
If you do decided to confront your W, things may blow up. Things may get worse. She may run to OM. All of that [censored] but you've got to grow a pair and start standing up for yourself. That is more important than what may happen after confronting her.
Focus on yourself and your kids. Detach, 180 and GAL. Read and follow Sandi's rules. I believe you should go Dark and use the LRT. Read all of Sandi's Reflections.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
I couldn't fathom NOT confronting a WW. This is the ultimate act of disrespect that a spouse can show. In my case, I took a week after discovering my W's A. I then confronted her and told her she had to move out of the house. I knew she was planning on leaving in the near future on her own but because I confronted her, she left on MY terms. I made it very clear that I would NOT be treated that way.
A big part of the mindset of a WW is disrespect. If you allow your W to continue in her A while living under your roof and being supported by you, then you are saying that you are OK with being disrespected which is VERY unattractive.
BOOM. Very well said. Maybe its a weakness thing - are people afraid to confront because they think that somehow it will "push them away" or "further deeper" into the affair? Get real. What is unfathomable is how some say its bad...and to just let the affair continue. Good grief.
you do decided to confront your W, things may blow up. Things may get worse. She may run to OM. All of that [censored] but you've got to grow a pair and start standing up for yourself. That is more important than what may happen after confronting her.
Love it.
Say, LiM. There is always room for another in our crew if you are interested. Contact me over on my flying blind thread if you want in.
I have always been involved with my children. In regards to 25yearsmlc, here are some of the answers to the questions you asked.
Since I was usually working 70 + hours a week to afford the better things for us as a family, I have cut my hours back and go in an hour earlier so I have a presence in the house again instead of coming in before bedtime I am home by 7:00PM.
I am picking up more than my share of the chores (probably cause I can not sit still anymore) no matter how tired I am. I am trying to do these things out of pure consideration for my wife before being asked because it is what I should have always done.
I am not selfishly looking at my life and feeling like I have given so much to work that I don't have time/energy for anything else some days.
To be honest, I haven't argued with my wife or kids about anything for the past 6 weeks. I react calmly and in an even tone with everyone. I see now all my faults and am truly trying to correct my ways. Not just to try and save my marriage but because it is the way I NEED and SHOULD be.
I have been secretly going back to Church regularly. I don't tell my wife about it so I do it before I go food shopping. I don't want it to come off as insincere. It helps keep me somewhat mentally stable.
Part of my dilemma is for the past 7 months we had a hard time being in the same room. When we would fight it was more like her yelling at me and me shutting down but for the past 6 weeks with me instituting these changes I have seen my wife start to communicate with me more and more. There has been no fights but that is probably because she has given up on me and is only thinking about the OM.
I wasn't in any way assuming she will forgive me. I apologize if it came off that way. I was just stating that cheating was always a big deal breaker for me but I truly love her and do realize the part I played in this and would be willing to forgive her for the affair.
I don't know how to react. I am trying to read as much as possible so I can better equip myself when the time comes. I had read somewhere that if you are unsure of what to say or how to respond to something then hold off. This way you avoid making a mistake. Sounded like sound advice to me but I am new to all this. I appreciate everyone's advice and concern. It is comforting when you feel like you are going through this all alone.
THANK YOU ALL!!!!!
I don't know how to react. I am trying to read as much as possible so I can better equip myself when the time comes. I had read somewhere that if you are unsure of what to say or how to respond to something then hold off. This way you avoid making a mistake. Sounded like sound advice to me but I am new to all this. I appreciate everyone's advice and concern. It is comforting when you feel like you are going through this all alone.
THANK YOU ALL!!!!!
If you have proof, then its a no-brainer. Just do it. There is no right or wrong way, really. Just do it.
Part of the reason I have not confronted her yet was I didn't want the last few months as the image she thinks about when I confront her. I probably wouldn't have mattered to her at that point. I wanted a more positive image in her head so it may give her something more to think about. I was planning on confronting her but not until I finished working on myself physically, menatally and emotionally. I hope that makes sense.
Is there certain times I need to call between? I am currently at work and usually work 10-11 hours a day. Is there a consultation fee? Sorry but I am new to this and am very interested in saving my wife and my marriage.
Hello PEW1974,
I'm here until 5:00 mountain time today. No need to tell me where you are until we talk. Then I can get you scheduled to speak with a terrific DB Coach at a time that is convenient for you. DB Coaches are available at a variety of times during the day, evening and on Saturdays.
I'm looking forward to speaking with you soon.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
PEW1974,
The decision to confront her or not is up to you of course. 25yrsmlc asks an excellent question of what do you want to happen?
In many cases people go into a confrontation expecting a "Hollywood ending" where the wayward spouse tearfully apologizes and begs to make things right. I can tell you that *never* happens anyplace other than the movies.
Here's what's most likely to happen -- your W will get extremely angry with you. She'll blame her affair on you 100% and in her mind she'll push you farther away. It will absolutely make things worse/more difficult between you.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be prepared for it. You should not expect to have a discussion about it, because she won't be prepared to have a discussion. Instead you'll get defensiveness and irrational anger. She will likely rewrite your history and characterize your marriage as "always bad" and put you at fault.
Therefore, if you do confront her, you need to be prepared to make it more of a monologue. "I know that you're involved with someone else. Here is what I am going to do..."
Remember that you can't control her or force her to do anything. If you make ultimatums, you have to be 100% prepared for the fact that they likely won't go your way and you will *have* to act on the "or else" or lose all credibility. Are you ready to do that? If not, don't make an ultimatum.
If your goal is to get things in the open but not necessarily blow things up, then it can be useful to normalize the situation but not excuse it. "I understand that things have been really difficult between us, that we've both built up a lot of hurt and resentment, and that you've been seeing someone else. I understand that having a friend and a sympathetic ear makes you feel better and helps you cope, and I also understand that everyone likes attention from the opposite sex. That said, I'm not okay with having an open marriage. Therefore, here's what I'm going to do..."
Then it's basically up to her to decide what she wants to do in response to what you're going to do. More likely than not, you'll just set yourself up for a waiting game.
The other approach is to be more aggressive as others here have advocated, which is to take a very strong stance and kick her out of the house or the MBR, go dark, withdraw support, etc. etc. Depending upon how you do it, this *can* establish that you have a lot of self-confidence, value yourself, and therefore are someone of value, which can draw her back in, *or* it can backfire horribly and drive her away in a manner that she never comes back. Given what she's done, that may be okay. Only you can decide.
Acc
Thank you Accuray. I was not expecting a Hollywood ending. lol. Part of me wants her to know that I know but part of me already feels that she knows I know. I guess I was hoping that it would put an unsaid timetable in her head to figure out what she is doing. I guess I have been hesitant because I know I am in it for the long haul and I have the patience to make this work. It is just this roller coaster ride of emotions that is exhausting me.
I appreciate your response. That is along the lines of what I was thinking and why I haven't said anything for the past few weeks.
BOOM. Very well said. Maybe its a weakness thing - are people afraid to confront because they think that somehow it will "push them away" or "further deeper" into the affair?
Having reread what I wrote, you nailed me, Jeep. I'm so turned around by this that I'm seeing things that aren't my fault as my fault. I realize this isn't my thread, but thanks for the reality check.
Your W is not seeing ANYTHING that you are doing right now. You can do all the chores you want, lose all the weight you want, be a magnificent dad, etc, but so long as see is in the A, she is seeing NONE of it. That's has to come to an end, she has to hit rock bottom and start to come out of the fog before she can start to appreciate the new and improved PEW.
Anything you do or don't do that allows her to remain in the fog will only prolong the limbo. Things WILL get worse when you confront her. She will lash out and blame you. Hell, my W accused ME of having an A when I confronted her. But it has to come out and you have to go down that path before there is any chance of her coming back to the M.
As it stands right now, you are no longer her H. She has left the M. Stand up for yourself and let her see that you value yourself enough not to be treated this way. Why the hell would you allow a your W to sleep next to you in the MBR when you KNOW she is doing it with someone else?
She MUST experience the full weight of her decisions. She must hit rock bottom. She can't come back to the M until she has. There is no such thing as turning yourself into x, y or z before you confront her so that she will see you in a better light. She can't see anything about you until she has left the A.
Thank you for your post. I am trying my hardest. Some days it comes easier than others. I have been calmer and that really hasn't been much work. I can feel the changes and I have been getting a lot of compliments on my weight loss and over all physique. It has been very encouraging. I go out for walks with my dog more and I have been trying to make time to go out at least once a week. These have been really good distractions for me but in the back of my head creeps the thoughts of how much i really miss my W.
I don't know how to react. I am trying to read as much as possible so I can better equip myself when the time comes. I had read somewhere that if you are unsure of what to say or how to respond to something then hold off. This way you avoid making a mistake. Sounded like sound advice to me but I am new to all this. I appreciate everyone's advice and concern. It is comforting when you feel like you are going through this all alone.
THANK YOU ALL!!!!!
there is a DB coach consultation fee but it's better than hearing different advice (that I mentioned to you earlier.)
I'm not employed by DB so there's no kickback for me saying this,
but I found the package deal to be well worth it b/c they're geared into your situation without anger or a desire to punish and pick and choose what they want of the DB advice.
Plus the advice I got was specific and detailed. Not generic.
When someone says "the ultimate act of disrespect to a marriage is infidelity",
I bristle b/c I'm not sure that's an absolute for everyone **and frankly, I'm not sure how it helps you to hear that, given that you want to save your m, not your pride. It seems very reactive to me.
I'm not suggesting any doormat behavior and I feel like I was careful in how I worded things.
Even if money is tight, divorce costs more. Yes most IC's can help, but many mc's just gird you for the inevitable divorce they see whenever there is an affair.
Figure out who is on your insurance plan and make an appointment and make sure they are solution focussed.
You don't want to work with lots of black and white rules about what you "cannot forgive" and all the rest you'll hear.
You are wise to own your role b/c let's face it, there was a lot of anger, resentment and tension in your home and your conflict resolution and fighting approaches were very destructive. Was there alcohol involved, and were either of you children of alcoholics?
Also, remember that
The person who is calmest in a dispute, is always the person with the power. Make no threats or ultimatums unless you want to risk cornering your w into the arms of the OM. You already know she had some legit concerns (as do you) so - if you read Sandi's posts, CAREFULLY, and fully, you'll see that she was in an EA and says she disrespected her h long before the A.
SHE ALSO says that if her h had exposed her A or if he had acted self righteous towards her, she'd have divorced him. They worked it out and are reconciled but she attributes much of that to his open heart and his sincere desire to look within, and change HIMSELF which in turn, helped her change...But of course you must make a plan to resolve this so you are not in limbo forever, and or feeling like her backup plan.
FIRST contrast her negative images of you, with your new better self,
so she doesn't get to look to the past as her justification/ammo for an affair.
THEN come up with an enforceable appealing boundary...
make sense?
increase the GAL b/c I really don't know another way to detach
and without detaching, you are going to feel like crap non stop and probably blow your DB efforts.
Have you gotten the DB book? Do read it, don't just skim!
Oh, and you have to apply it too,
Thanks you post makes perfect s sense. I realize that there are people with various tolerance levels and I take all comments and suggestions with a grain of salt. I like to be fully prepare before I do anything and I do think of all Possible outcomes. Although anything can happen and you never really know until it's happening. There was no alcohol abuse in our house or both our parents house. It really came down to poor communication skills. My wife would start complaining and yelling trying to push my buttons and I would take it for as long as I could and then we would have an argument. Nothing physical but damaging just the same. I do realize In retrospect that she was also bad at communicating and I do believe this was her way of trying to express what was wrong. Wish I was more insightful back then.
I haven't got the book yet but plan on getting it. I will be honest, today was really emotionally rough for me but after communicating on this site with so many helpful people I started feeling very positive about myself and the rest of the day went by fast.
Confrontation is just that. Confrontation.
It could go all sorts of ways from there. What if she just becomes more blatant about it?
My point is that I would do a lot of reading and introspection to figure out what YOUR plans are before just telling her you know.
You seem to be on the right path, inner peace comes first. Educating yourself, talking to others, and not confronting your partner are great places to start
I think your right. I wasn't looking to start anything unnecassary. I was just bringing it up to the community to see if I should or are there better options.
Part of the reason I have not confronted her yet was I didn't want the last few months as the image she thinks about when I confront her. I probably wouldn't have mattered to her at that point. I wanted a more positive image in her head so it may give her something more to think about. I was planning on confronting her but not until I finished working on myself physically, menatally and emotionally. I hope that makes sense.
Once again, you are missing the point. The image you "present" to her is nothing but in your head. You have this fantasy that looking/acting/doing things in a certain way will make her all of a sudden realize that she is a POS. Not going to happen, my friend.
The biggest question you need to be asking yourself is why do you even want her back? As LiM said, what she has done is the BIGGEST and most disrespectful thing that she can do to you - period. There is no way to spin it to be any more positive, because quite frankly there isn't and shouldn't be. This may sound harsh, but both the marriage and you are nothing in her eyes - if that wasn't true, then why would she be screwing someone else? It is what it is, my friend.
Now, you have been given the marvelous gift of time. Use it wisely to better yourself for YOU and YOU ONLY. Not her. No one else but you.
While I do feel that infidelity is the worst way a spouse can disrespect the other, I do NOT feel that it isn't something that you cant come back from. There is nothing wrong with wanting to work on and save the M, even after an A.
There are many reasons to want to save the M. You've built a life together. Someone screwed up really bad but that doesn't mean you should throw it all away because of that screw up. Its your choice.
I kind of agree with you on this. My feeling is while I know I am not at fault for her having the affair, I do feel responsible in the events that opened the possibility for it to happen. If you know what I mean. I am willing to move in a positive direction if given the chance with my W. I believe in time with the proper guidance and counseling we could work on the issues we had make our marriage better. I am not depending on this outcome but I am willing to entertain it if it comes to fruition. Only time will tell.
All other discussion with Jeep74 moved to his thread - Cadet
Haven't been able to post much the past day with work getting crazy. I have been trying to digest a lot of the comments an suggestions given to me. I find myself very confused at the moment. Things have been getting better between me and
my W over these past 6 weeks. By better, I mean we are actually communicating with each other more. My wife, my son and Inwent to a carnival last night with her sister and her family and we had a good time. I did notice my wife text every now and then on her phone and my gut knows that it's the OM. That part is still painful but as we were driving my wife actually made a comment to how she has noticed that we haven't been arguing at all and how much calmer the house seems to be. She also made a comment about me having this smile on my face lately. I felt good that at least she is noticing something positive. I really feel that if she was not caught up in this affair, we would actually have a chance at working things out. I am continuing to GAL. Going out tonight to check out my friends band. Will probably see a lot of old friends. I am trying to not initiate contact with her lately and let her be the first to contact me. Which she has been doing daily.
Sometimes she just calls to talk about nothing. Which is so opposite of what our situation was a few months ago. Looking to get 2 books this weekend to keep informing myself. Just really confused right now.
PEW,
Sounds like a lot of good things and you know you just need to keep doing what you're doing. The self-healing does wonders to the soul/personality/etc.
Confusion is just part of the process. Try to stay detached regardless of whether she notices your changes. It's great that she noticed, but that's about it nothing more, nothing less. Doesn't change your M or R much, but it means you're doing a great job BD'ing.
Keep it up.
PEW,
It does sound like you are doing the right things! It's so hard. Just keep working on YOU, and it will get a little easier every day.
Thank you for the words of encouragement. This is really the hardest situation I have had to endure in my life. It's so sad that so many of realize what we took for granted after it is too late.
My suggestion is to let her know you know of the A, while your able to do so calmly. Last thing you want is to reveal that you know in the middle of an argument. But the last thing you should be doing is sleeping in the guest room or needing her permission to sleep in the bed when she has been doing wrong. It is one thing to practice DB busting methods. But another to have her thinking that she is getting away with something and making demands.
The only reason is because the prior months when we were arguing a lot I was sleeping on the couch watching the tv so thenbedroom became her place to get away and I respected that.i know she is the one doing wrong but I don't feel I have the right to change the dynamics like that in her. It was kind of odd that she said I don't have to sleep on the couch anymore. It felt nice that she let me into what was considered her private space for awhile. Today she was talking about this house she saw in a publishers clearing house contest that of course she entered. Lol she was talking how it would be nice for us to win it. I know these are just mixed signals that don't mean anything but to be honest we have been getting along so well. She was even playing songs from different cds of hers for me to listen to. I will keep doing my own thing and working on myself. It's all I can do right now. To be honest, I am not angry anymore. I am sad that this is happening but I truly have no anger towards her.
Well I am getting ready to go out and watch an old friend and his band. Should be a great time. My W made sure I ate something because of will be drinking a little. I plan on only having a few beers and just enjoying al my friends company. Trying to stay positive and get my mind off things at least for a few hours.
Last night was good. My W looked a little taken back yesterday when I was getting ready. She asked me a few questions about last night which I kept my answers short and vague. There is such a push and pull going on with her and I'm trying not to get caught up in it. Feeling positive today.
I have a question. Can you buy the Divorce Remedy or the Divorce Busting books in a book store or do you have to tingle them at
Amazon? Also which one would be better to get?
I understand exactly what you mean. My W went from wanting me completely out of her space the ND. To now emailing me at work, texting and inviting to events. We were even listening to a new CD on her phone the other day. But yet W still wants a DB. At this point we're great friends with sexual benefits. When I go out, I get the same looks and questions from W. Not sure if that is a territorial response or them just being happy that your out of their hair. Really hard to tell sometimes.
Hi PEW,
I would recommend reading Divorce Busting first. I did them in the reverse order, and they are both good. I don't know about book stores having them, but most big ones will usually order for you. Amazon ships really fast though, usually they will arrive 2-3 days.
I definitely understand your problems. In my case we haven't been sexual in several months. Plus I know there is an emotional affair and possible physical affair going on. She has me so confused. I have been trying to keep minimal contact and not initiate any but she comes around to me or sends texts at work or even calls with really nothing important to talk about. I'm not sure if she is trying to be open up to me slowly or if she is feeding me crumbs to keep me around. I must say though it has been very nice and comforting in the house lately. She hasn't said anything about separation or divorce.
Great thanks. Could you tell me basically what the difference is between them is.
Ok. So I realize now the mistakes I have been currently making because I wasn't really willing to completely distance myself from my wife. I am going to try to proceed with detachment and just focus on myself and my children. I am going to read up on this site about proceeding down this path. If anyone has any suggestions I am open to ideas. This wasn't an easy decision for me but I need to break free of the fear of losing my W because I am finally understanding that I already have lost her.
This wasn't an easy decision for me but I need to break free of the fear of losing my W because I am finally understanding that I already have lost her.
PEW1974,
Yes! I think that's the key to all the DB stuff; lose the fear and move on with your life (and build a great life). Good for you.
Thanks doodler. I am going to give it a try. I realize now that I have been analyzing and counting all the little breadcrumbs she has been throwing in my direction but with no real change. I realize it is probably just a ploy to keep me interested. I am going to mentally put my foot down and not fall for these games anymore. I will continue to be calm, attentive and understanding when she interacts with me but I will no longer initiate any contact. I did notice that when I was trying this in the beginning she would come by me to see what I was doing. I am slowly getting to the point that I am unsure if I can wait out the affair or her to change her mind. I will not put my hopes on anything changing and just accept what is currently happening.
So I have pulled back today and haven't texted my W and she has called me 3 times about nothing really. I was short with my answers and told her I was busy at work. It is very unusual for her.
its sounds as though you're off to a great start - good job
Thank you. It is hard and sometimes I think I make mistakes. Last night she comes to me after I work out and shower and asks me to rub her shoulders. So I did for about 30 min. Should I have not done that?
My W texted me twice again this morning. I have been polite and brief with responses. I am not initiating contact but am responding with briefly and sincerely when she initiates. I no this goes against going dark and NC but one of her complaints was that I was emotionally absent and unresponsive for the last 2 years. I figured if I try these methods full speed I will only continue this pattern of bad behavior. Does any of this make sense or am I continually making rookie mistakes?
My W texted me twice again this morning. I have been polite and brief with responses. I am not initiating contact but am responding with briefly and sincerely when she initiates. I no this goes against going dark and NC but one of her complaints was that I was emotionally absent and unresponsive for the last 2 years. I figured if I try these methods full speed I will only continue this pattern of bad behavior. Does any of this make sense or am I continually making rookie mistakes?
PEW1974,
When a third party is introduced into a marriage, it changes the marital dynamics. That's true even if you don't know the third party exists. Your wife tells you that you were emotionally absent and unresponsive, and you may have been, but it may not have been your fault. Just sayin...
It seems like what you're doing is working. Your wife is afraid she may be losing Plan B (i.e. losing you). You want to keep her there. I'm terrible at DB, so keep that in mind, but in your situation, I would be somewhat aloof and unresponsive (i.e. mysterious). Do some GAL activities without her; don't always be available.
Thanks Doodler. I am not so good at DB yet too but I ma trying. I have been GALing it up. I go out at least once a week for the past 3 weeks. Pretty much reconnecting with old friends and meeting some new ones. I have been consistent with my working out, going back to Church (it helps with my inner strength) and giving her the space she needs at the moment. Only time will tell if it is working. Although I do see changes in her from 6 weeks ago. Good luck to you in your DBing.
My W texted me twice again this morning. I have been polite and brief with responses. I am not initiating contact but am responding with briefly and sincerely when she initiates. I no this goes against going dark and NC but one of her complaints was that I was emotionally absent and unresponsive for the last 2 years. I figured if I try these methods full speed I will only continue this pattern of bad behavior. Does any of this make sense or am I continually making rookie mistakes?
Hello PEW1974,
You are so smart to recognize that the DB strategies are not a one size fits all situation. Doing more of what isn't working isn't in your best interest, right?
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thank you Cristy. I do want to speak with someone but due to my work hours I won't be able to until Friday. My company closes early on Fridays.
Hi PEW1974,
I'm glad you've been feeling better about the interactions with your W. You're obviously stuck in a tricky bind here: if you confront her about the A things are going to get worse between you -- that's guaranteed. I'm sure you're wrestling with not wanting to make things worse.
On the other hand, if you don't confront her about the A it could keep going on for years and you will not be getting what *you* need from this relationship. Most people are perfectly happy "cake eating" if they get the opportunity -- she gets what she needs from you and from her affair partner so it's the best of both worlds.
This is helping to buffer things between you right now because she's not fully committed and looking for you to be half the relationship for her, at best you're a third. Once that affair is exposed its going to get worse, but it may need to get worse before it gets better.
The ideal scenario is that the affair just goes away on its own because one or both of them decide the end it, but realistically that's unlikely to happen.
How are you currently feeling about confronting her?
Acc
I will be honest it kind of scares me. I don't want to push her further away but at the same time I want her to know that I don't accept it at all. Even though it has been eating at me on the inside for her to have these feelings toward another man I have been keeping a happy face on. Not sure how physical this has gotten but I can only assume that it has. I do know that he texts her all the time and she responds. I try not to snoop. I figure details are best left unknown. I have seen her comfort level with me grow since this whole ordeal came to a head almost 7 weeks ago. Every week we seem to be making progress slowly. I actually have been enjoying the discovery of my wife all over again since we had grown apart the last few years. I try to remain positive and enjoy her presence when it is offered. She has made several comments that show me she has noticed some of my improvements. I didn't address it with her but I am glad that she has taken the time to notice. I do not know what the future has in store but I will take it day by day for now. Thank you Accuray for your concern.
So yesterday was a very odd day. My W sent me a few gamer requests via text messaging yesterday so I played them with her while I had down time at work. Then she called me later in the day and we spoke for 25 minutes. It was the longest phone conversation we have had in awhile. Then I get home and she sends me another game request while I am changing for my workout. She then asks if I can help her do her arm workout which I do and then we do an ab workout together. She then keeps talking and showing me different moves to try. The next thing I know an hour and a half have gone by. So I proceed to go on the elliptical to do my workout and she finally goes upstairs. I haven't had that much interaction in one day with her for awhile. She is confusing the heck out of me.
PEW,
At this point it might be to your advantage not to bring up the A until a later time. W might be more likely to ask to work things out seeing the change in you. Act like you just found out about the A at a different time, than when you initially did. Nothing wrong with having a strategy. I can't help but to wonder if I had stayed silent and just made changes. Would we be in a better place right now. Instead of my W thinking its manipulation on my part.
I see your point of view. I really don't know how to handle bringing the affair in the open. Right now I don't want her thinking there is no way of coming back but at the same time I want some light shed on this secret fantasy life of hers. In the meantime, I try to deal with all the sneaking around which is so obvious to me and not give it too much thought. She asks me from time to time why do I have this odd happy look on my face. I don't know if she thinks I don't care about the situation I am in or is starting to realize that I am learning to be my own happy man.
Thank you Cristy. I do want to speak with someone but due to my work hours I won't be able to until Friday. My company closes early on Fridays.
Hi PEW1974,
The more you plan ahead, the more likely you are to get a time/session that is convenient for you. Please call me at 303-444-7004 so that we can look at the schedule.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
PEW,
I think you are doing an incredibly good job. Your patience is amazing.
I do think at some point, you will have to expose the A. I suppose there are some people that can just ignore it and pretend it never happened. But I would tend to think that it would eat away at you for the rest of your life if you don't confront the issue. Only you can decide when (and if) is the right time to confront.
Your W is seeing the changes in you and that is a good thing. But I think what is going on is really more temp checking than truly appreciating your changes. She can't respect and appreciate the new you until the A has died.
Keep doing the work you are doing. You are amazing and are to be commended for what you have accomplished. You are showing incredible strength in spite of incredible adversity. One day, your W will see that and appreciate that quality in you. She will see that you fought for your M when she wasn't willing to.
LiM,
Thank you for the kind words. You actually have me tearing up right now. I kind of agree with you that at some point I am going to have to address the affair. It definitely is eating me up inside and it will be the only way to be aboe to move past it if we get the chance or it might be the only way to end it at some point. Either way that thought is in the back of my head.
Right now I am just trying to get my W to not hate me which I think I am there. I am not saying she likes me yet but she doesn't hate me anymore and that is a start. She definitely has no interest in a relationship with me and I am fully aware of that. Sometimes I don't feel like she ever will. I agree that she doesn't respect me. As I think about the past year or so, she probably lost respect for me awhile ago. It hurts to think about it but it is the truth. When our relationship was not getttng better she just gave up and began to hate me for everything.
I am hoping I can keep riding this storm out until she can come around to seeing what she has done and what I have endured just because I truly love her. Like I said, at this point I just don't see that happening but I remain hopeful.
I see by your signature that you have been piecing from Apri 2016. Can you tell me how is it going and how did you get to that stage?
LiM,
She definitely has no interest in a relationship with me and I am fully aware of that. Sometimes I don't feel like she ever will. I agree that she doesn't respect me. As I think about the past year or so, she probably lost respect for me awhile ago. It hurts to think about it but it is the truth.
What you have got to remember is that so long as she is still engaged in the A, she will NOT see the real/new you. It will be impossible for her to have true feelings of love or respect for you until the A has died. Only then can those positive feelings for you begin to return. She only has room for 1 man at a time in her heart.
Have you read all of Sandi's threads about WW's?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1So in my mind, anything you choose to do or not do that allows the charade to continue will only delay the ability to begin repairing the R.
In my case, I discovered my W's A at the end of December 2015. I took a week to think about what to do. I sought counsel from friends and a professional IC. I then confronted her and kicked her out of the house. I was not mean. I did not lash out at her. I told her that I forgave her but that I would not be treated that way. I told her that so long as she continued with that behavior, then should could not stay in our home. In reality, she was planning on separating anyways at some point in the next 30 days but I kicked her out on my terms. I actually didnt want her to leave. I wanted her to say that she was sorry, that it was a mistake and that she wanted to stay and work on the M. I never demanded that she stop the A. So she moved out. I THOUGHT that we were working on our M and she indicated that we were however something just wasn't right. And 3 months later, I discovered that the A started again within a month after her leaving the house. Although the PA may have taken a break for a few weeks, she was still a WW in her mind which means she still didnt respect me or feel remorse for what she did. So I filed for D and served her. I told her that so long as she continued to choose to live that life, that she could not continue to be M to me.
3 days later, OM confessed to his W and that was the nail in the coffin for the A. A week later, we started reconciling.
Piecing is hard. Your work is only just beginning once you start piecing. The WW has to grieve the loss of the A and that is tough on the LBS. In my case, my W never chose to end the A. OM made that choice for her. So she did not come back to our M of her own choosing which is painful for me. But once the A was truly dead and could no longer continue, it was then that my W could start to see the new me and all the changes I had made. It was only then that she could begin to respect me again.
The A MUST die if you are to have any shot at repairing your MR. So I am a fan of confronting. Every situation is different and you have to choose the best path forward based on the specifics of your R but I just cant phantom the idea of not confronting. My view is that you deserve a certain amount of respect as a human being and if your W cant respect your M vows, then she needs to go until she is ready to start doing that again. In most states, you probably cant force your W to leave the house. I technically couldn't have forced my W out if she wasn't willing to go. But at a bare minimum, you can kick her and all of her stuff out of the MBR. That may not be necessary in your situation because your W does appear to be softening somewhat. However, I'd strongly encourage you to take EVERYTHING she says and does, if the A is still active, with a very tiny grain of salt. You cant believe anything she says or does until the a has died.
If you decide to confront, you need to be prepared for things to get MUCH worse. It may not. Sometimes, the WW will immediately drop into grief and remorse for what they have done. But many times, their disrespect and anger will go through the roof. As unpleasant as that may be, it is really necessary to have any chance at healing and finding a way past the A. You need to emotionally detach so that you can allow that process to unfold without affecting you emotionally. You need to realize that all of what may come is about HER and HER choices and not about you.
Ok so here is the latest. Yesterday my W calls and says she sent me an email about our town selling Yankee tickets for Derek Jeters number being retired. I ask if she wants to go and she says she really does. So i tell her go ahead and write a check an buy tickets. She buys 3 for her, me and our son. She then calls me this morning and say that maybe we shouldn't bring our son because he is only 7 and will probably not be able to last the whole time. I agreed and said I will call to cancel his ticket. part of me is really excited because this is the first time in what feels like forever that she actually wants to do something with just me.
So yesterday she was going out (She usually goes out for a few hours on Wednesday and I go out On Thursdays). Normally she leaves by 7-7:25 but yesterday she was still homw when I got home from work and then proceeded to hang around til almost 8. She came downstairs while I was getting ready for my workout and looked at me and said that I have had this odd happy look lately. I told her that I am staying positive. She walked away to leave with this confused look on her face. I found that to be very funny.
I am still very confused. I am unsure if she just try and be friends or if there is something more starting to happen. I will not read to much into these situations and just take it for what they are worth. Otherwise I am holding up well but hating the emotional distance from her. Its hard to figure out how to try keep this moving in the right direction. Will just keep doing what I have been doing.
Another question, so our 17th anniversary is coming up on May 5th and as I realize we do not have a M anymore I don't want to not acknowledge this day. Any suggestions on how to let her know that I am thinking of her and our anniversary but also realizing that it does not mean what it used to and also understand that she might feel the same way.
When you are doing a good job at DB'ing, its normal for the WW to be confused and perplexed. Maybe even angry. The day that I fully started DB'ing, my W knew something was VERY different with me and she was very confused by it. Once I kicked her out of the house and continued with my 180's and GAL, she became angry. I was being a better person, taking better care of myself and my kids and was more attentive to my other family members.
Its great that your W seems to be moving more towards you but you have to be very careful here. If she is still a WW, then it all means nothing. She could be simply trying to figure out what the hell is going on with you. You won't know one way or the other until the A is exposed.
As for your anniversary? Thats a really tough one. Of course you dont want to "celebrate" it because, well, why would you? She's a WW so there is nothing to celebrate. But what to tell her? I have no idea. If you tell her you dont really want to celebrate or acknowledge the day, I would think that she will pull even closer to you as she try harder and harder to figure out what is going on with you.
Should I not say anything at all. I don't want to come off like our M didn't and doesn't mean anything. If I try to talk to her about not celebrating it how does that conversation even go. This is so confusing. Going to call to speak with a DB coach. Has anyone had any experience with them and if so how do you think they did for you and your situation? Also, trying to get an idea of how much it costs to make sure it is an affordable option for me.
Thanks in advance.
She came downstairs while I was getting ready for my workout and looked at me and said that I have had this odd happy look lately. I told her that I am staying positive. She walked away to leave with this confused look on her face. I found that to be very funny.
I am still very confused. I am unsure if she just try and be friends or if there is something more starting to happen. I will not read to much into these situations and just take it for what they are worth.
She's temp checking and messing with your head a bit. She is noticing and that's what you gain from it. Keep in mind the consistency is the key. If you're consistent in the work you're doing, it will become more natural for you and be read more naturally by her.
As for Anniversary, hard to just say "Happy Anniversary" because clearly it's not a happy one. I look back at our last Anniversary in January and my W was very distant because I think that the WAW fuse had been lit, but hadn't exploded yet and did in mid-February. I guess you could say something to the effect of acknowledging the day as something special to you regardless of where this road takes the two of you. Just a thought.
The cost for DB coaching can be found from the navigation menu. Lots and lots of people have used this service and I've never heard of someone saying it wasn't valuable to them. I personally did not use it though.
I cant advise you on the anniversary. Thats a really tough one. I would imagine that a coach would encourage you to say something positive to recognize the anniversary but that doesnt mean you have to buy flowers, go out to dinner, etc.
I have been very consistent in my changes and actually love the place I am in both physically and mentally compare to where I was almost 2 months ago. I wish my situation was better but can accept where it is at this point as it has been a huge improvement between us. We haven't argued or even gotten close to one since my 180's.
I do like your idea of just acknowledging the day as something special to me regardless of where this road takes us. I believe its simple and honest and doesn't put any pressure on her. She still may react to it indifferently but it is something I want to do. Am I being selfish in this thinking by doing something I want and not thinking about what she may or may not want. Thoughts???
I'd give her a small cherry tart with a little note that says, "Thinking of you."
Honest question: are you being sarcastic??
PEW, I don't think you're off base when you say you're not thinking of her- I mean my Lord she's having an affair! I think simple like the others said. Here's the key though~~~ HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS ABOUT HER REACTION. Then you won't be disappointed. You do the thing that feels right to you, for YOU. Just my 2 cents.
LIM,
So I was rereading all of Sandi's threads and I realize the good that I was doing and the bad too. I do not think I am going to address our anniversary coming up. There is nothing to celebrate because of where we are at this point. I also think I need to pull back a little more. I have not been initiating contact but maybe I have been a little to receptive to when she finally does contact me. All I know is I need to somehow do what I can to put an end to this A.
I guess I am looking for answers/ideas on what I can do short of leaving the house. I still believe my best chances at changes are if I still have a presence in the house. Does anyone have any suggestions? I am looking to further change the dynamics at play.
Do you think I should address that day or just leave it be? I am actually leaning to not acknowledging it because of her continual behavior.
Honest question: are you being sarcastic??
Honest answer: I'm not sure. Really.
My 16th anniversary was last August and I didn't say anything to my wife. And my wife (now XW) didn't mention it either. I'm glad I didn't say anything. But, if I had to do it over, I might cook a homemade tart and tell her that I was thinking of her. It may not be DB, but you know...
Do you think I should address that day or just leave it be? I am actually leaning to not acknowledging it because of her continual behavior.
PEW1974,
I vote that you leave it be. Most likely, she's not going to acknowledge it either.
PEW,
You do NOT leave the house under any circumstance. Do not leave the MBR either.
Focus on detaching, GAL and 180's. That is what you need to be doing. I know it feels like there should be something more tangible that you should do but this is what you need to be focusing on right now.
I am still doing my 180's and I am still GALing. I am trying to continue to detach but I might have to kick it up a notch. I agree with staying in the house. She has been noticing my changes and has made comments about my new focus on my appearance and well being and like I stated in an earlier post she has noticed this odd happiness about me. I guess some days you just question yourself when you see the current situation progressing in the same direction.
As far as the MBR I have a different take on it albeit right or wrong. You see for the last 6 months I have slept on the couch. The MBR became her room and I do not feel I have the right regardless of what is going on to just take it from her because I feel I am entitled to it now. So this is a sticky subject for me. Not sure what is the right way to handle it.
I guess the last topic that I am going back and forth on is the affair. Not sure If I should address it or leave it as unknown for now. I was waiting on this cause I wanted to really work on my 180's and GAL first. Then when I was in a more confident and stable mindset confront her about it. Like I said I am doing so much better but I still have my moments of confusion.
I guess the last topic that I am going back and forth on is the affair. Not sure If I should address it or leave it as unknown for now. I was waiting on this cause I wanted to really work on my 180's and GAL first. Then when I was in a more confident and stable mindset confront her about it. Like I said I am doing so much better but I still have my moments of confusion.
PEW1974,
I don't know how you can just sit on that (knowing your wife is having an affair) without saying anything. If I knew what you know, I'd have her sh*t out of the MBR, and probably out of the house, and she'd d@mn sure know that I know about the affair. I don't know what the issue is with that, but I know if it were happening to me, the gates of hell would open up and my wife would know it. I mean, golly-gee, be a husband already.
Deep down I know your right. I know I have to confront her about it. I have been trying to figure out what exactly I want to get out of that confrontation and how I want to handle it. I don't want to just fly off the hip. I want to be as prepared as I can be.
When I confronted my W, I simply told her "I know you are having an A with OM. I dont really want to talk about it today, we can discuss it in the coming days. When we are done here, you are going to gather your things and you are going to leave."
The actual conversation was only about 5 minutes. First she tried to deny it. Then she accused me of having an A. It took her 45 minutes to actually leave the house because she went into her closet and tried to pack but ended up crying on the floor. She called OM and a friend. I ended up sitting there with her after letting her have her phone conversations and talked quietly with her. She went to a hotel for 2 nights and then moved into the rent house she was planning on moving to anyways.
The confrontation doesnt have to be ugly or actually confrontational. But its imperative that she knows that you know and that you will not accept that kind of behavior from your W. Her options are to leave or to stay and work on the M. The choice is hers.
She does not respect you but you need to show her that you have enough respect for yourself that you will not be treated that way.
Even though our communication has improved over these past 7 weeks I can see that she doesn't respect me by continuing this behavior. I feel she thinks we are technically separated even though we are still living under the same roof. Either way she is choosing to fill her needs with someone other than her husband and because that is going on there is no chance of us ever being able to work on our M. It is non existent at this point. I wanted to work on me being a better man and trying to be a better husband but I see that none if it matters to her. It actually still matters to me. These changes that I have been undertaking are for me and no one else. I just wanted her to see a different me before I confronted her because I know the old image of me she carries in her head. I am not that selfish and shut down person anymore.
The confrontation doesnt have to be ugly or actually confrontational. But its imperative that she knows that you know and that you will not accept that kind of behavior from your W. Her options are to leave or to stay and work on the M. The choice is hers.
She does not respect you but you need to show her that you have enough respect for yourself that you will not be treated that way.
Pew - This is really good stuff here from LiM. I confronted my W about an EA on Sunday and it was all calm discussion. When she tried to deflect it to there not being anything really there between her and OM, I told her I don't give a damn about the OM and this is about the lack of respect you've shown me as your H. This was all done calmly, plainly with respect.
It hasn't brought us back together, but I can tell you I feel a billion percent better. I'm better because of it. I'm stronger because of it.
I wish you the best.
Tryin2figuritout,
Thank you for sharing your story and thanks for the words of encouragement. I find it kind of ironic that I am demanding respect from her when I know I didn't show her respect the last 1.5 years. Granted I did not cheat on her but I did emotionally abandon her when I shut down. I know it's what I have to do and I am slowly bringing myself to do it. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of what I previously stated.
So I finally was able to find the DR book in Barnes and Noble. I am going to start reading this weekend. Yesterday was a bit of a down day for me but I am pulling my head up today and getting back on track. I have to get used to the constant ups and downs so they don't bother me as much. It is a continuous work in progress I guess.
I have to get used to the constant ups and downs so they don't bother me as much. It is a continuous work in progress I guess.
PEW,
It's like working out. The more you do the more comfortable it gets. Best of luck.
trying to get into the comfort zone with it. That is probably one of the hardest things. Its hard to get comfortable with the feelings of being so alone. Trying to stay focused on children and friends and of course myself.
Ok so I have been reading the DR book and I must say it is almost word for word of how me and my W grew apart. It really has been easy reading as I am not much of a book person. I am almost up to chapter 3 and the odd thing that I have noticed is this. In chapter 2 there is a section of changing from hitting your S's negative buttons to hitting their positive one's. I have been doing my 180's for the last 7 weeks. I pretty much went from working all the time and not being home much to trying to cut back and get home an hour earlier each day just to have more of a presence. I went from being too tired and depressed to being more energetic and happier. I am doing my lions share of help around the house. I have been finishing projects that I never had time for and doing chores around the house to help when I can realizing that just because my W doesn't work, taking care of the children's and the house is probably a tougher job then what I do. I have been taking care of myself by working out, getting really fit and even started cooking a family dinner every Sunday. Which to be honest I am enjoying more than I expexlcted.
Now I know my wife is in an A and she seems to be really head over heels for the OM but I have noticed that my changes have brought about some 180's in her. We went from her not wanting to be in same room with me to actually looking for me when I am doing something in the house. She will even sit in the kitchen and talk with me while I am cooking. We were going to a carnival one Friday and I was getting home about 1/2 hr later than I expected and when she called me to see where I was in my travel she sounded very upset and angry. When I got home I expected her to be miserable and ready to rip my head off but when I got home she was pleasant and said she will be ready in 10 min to leave. I was shocked how pleasant she was. I commented to her on the way down that I expected her to be angry with me when I got home and how I was amazed that she was pleasant and she commented to me that since I have been calm and pleasant these past few weeks that there was no more fuel for her to get fired up.
So I am going to keep reading the book but I am truly confused at the fact that our dynamics between us are becoming more positive even though she had said she is done with me and is caught up in this A. I know it probably doesn't mean much but I can see some changes for the positive in the way she interacts with me and how she initiates more contact with me. I am going to keep doing what I have been doing. I am going to do more soul searching in me and try and detach a little more as dealing with her A has been emotionally draining on me. I have given her space and time for her to be her and in turn she has given me time and space for me to be me. We are learning to coexist, I just wish it would eventually get to more than just that.
I know i am going to have to put in a lot more time and I am still trying to figure things out but I must say overall I am in such a better place with myself and with her than several weeks ago. Overall I am trying to love her and be more understanding without any expectations of getting anything back and to be honest, i really do love her even given the current state of our M. I realize this is probably not what I should be doing and I probably will make some changes in my approach once I finish this book to try and bring about more changes and also change direction of where we currently headed.
So it seems I can't put this book down. I don't know why they do not have relationship classes as mandatory classes given in school. It seems most people only look for the answers when they are in trouble. If we all were smart enough to start looking immediately most of us would be in happier places at the moment.
Sounds you have officially landed where I'm currently located. My wife went from "I need to be myself." To looking for me if I'm in a different room doing something as simple as reading a book. The love is clearly still there, but their so pissed at us they don't want to show it. I wouldn't get too excited yet. Because there will be moments when she starts testing you, because shell made at herself subconsciously for liking you. Just try not to argue back with her.
Because your first instinct will be frustration, because you two are doing so much better and now she is coming at you with nonsense. And when you don't give in at first, later she come at you with a form of disrespect that she knows will get you to blow up. That is how I got a minor setback two months back. 30 seconds into falling into the trap, I realized she got me. And I could see it on her face that she knew she had me. All I could do was apologize for raising my voice and walked off. But thongs have been better seen then. So enjoys this time of improvement, but beware of the test.
and doing chores around the house to help when I can realizing that just because my W doesn't work, taking care of the children's and the house is probably a tougher job then what I do.
Why the heck are you doing this ^^^^^^^^^^? You have one grown son and one that is seven, which means he is in school, right? She does not work outside the home, right? So, you cut your hours at work (which is fine if you want to GAL).........and you rush home to put on your Super Husband cape! You are running around like the energy bunny doing everything you can think might possibly need doing.........b/c your poor little wife must have a tough job? At what?.............. PLEASE!!
Let this ole former WW tell you exactly what you're doing. You are a nice-guy type working his a$$ off to win a little favor with his WW. It won't happen! She will let you kiss both cheeks all you want, but it will not win her desire for you as a man. Not now! Her desire is for some other man, and you are breaking your neck to do her work at home? What's she got to do that's so tough? You are making excuses b/c you want to nice her back into the MR........and it won't work with a wayward. And, if you start saying you think she might be something other than a WW...........as a way to excuse your wussy actions.......well, then I will leave you alone. However, she
is wayward.
You need to stop acting like Suzy Homemaker and start GAL. You only feel your presence is needed more at home......b/c your are insecure and want to be a close to her, and her surroundings, as possible. Almost every guy that shows up here takes this same avenue, so ask
them how successful the Super Husband routine worked for them. Some H's are trying to tell you, but you aren't believing them.
People who do not understand the mindset of a WW, or have not had personal experience with one.......will encourage you to be her friend, help around the house, and numerous other things that would have been great before a third person came into the M. Unfortunately, what she wanted from you in the past..........is not what she currently wants from you. I don't agree with being a friend or kissing up to the person who is betraying you. But that's just me.
As someone has told you, a big part of the wayward mindset in a wife, is based on disrespect. The three main areas in the foundation of her wayward mindset is resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. If she felt neglected by you and her emotional needs went unmet...........I guarantee she has had years of resentment forming a foundation for waywardness. A woman can carry that amount of resentment for just so long until the feelings of respect for her H stop. If you never noticed any signs whatsoever, then I think you are not familiar with the various ways a W show their disrespect. Starting with her attitude........facial expressions.......verbal expressions.......talking at you through the kids.......rolling her eyes at something you say or do........huffing & puffing, heavy sighing.........I think you mentioned a lot of arguing.........saying something that puts you down in front of your sons, or others...........the list is endless.
If her respect for you is gone, it affects her ability to "feel" in love with you. As long as she is involved with the OM, her feelings of desire for her H will not return. Women are not wired the same as men, and it is absolutely necessary to have her respect in order to tap in to her desire (in-love feelings). You could work yourself into the ground trying to appease her, but without her respect, it would not change her feelings. Therefore, can you see the two major issues that will prevent your Super Husband tactics from succeeding in restoring your W's loving feelings for you?
If you want to confront her, then do it..........just make sure you have a plan. Her knowing that you know.....but you aren't doing anything about it but whining........will make for a worse situation. She is not going to end the A just b/c you know about it. So, if you approach her with your knowledge of the A........do NOT argue about whether or not she is having one. Some guys want to hear the WW admit it. So what? It won't change anything if she
does admit it.
What is the purpose of confronting her when you already know the truth? Well, I suggest it should not be to "ask" her anything! You look at her face to face (or you can stand up while addressing her) and tell her you know the truth about her affair. You do NOT reveal how much you know, nor reveal your source. If she starts asking, or arguing, or denying........hold your hand up and say, "Stop". Then you state your boundaries. For example, "I will not live in an open M. If contact with the OM does not immediately cease, I will prepare to take steps for separation/divorce".
If you are too afraid to say something that strongly, then you could say, "I will not stay in a M where I am disrespected". But let me warn you, whatever you say.......you must be ready to fully enforce your words with action. She will test your words, so back them with action........not more words.
Boundaries are not up for discussions or negotiations.
Without a plan to state your boundaries, confrontation is only her cue to be more secretive about the A.
In most cases, men get into a R talk at the point of confrontation. At best, they get a few things off their chest and feel emotionally better.......for about 24 hrs. Then they try to deceive themselves into believing she will eventually come around. When they see no changes, they try to block it out and act as if nothing is wrong in the MR.
You can't talk her back, and you can't nice her back. You need to understand that going forward from this moment is about you. It's not about what she wants. Don't sit around waiting to see what she decides. Why? B/c she can tell that's exactly what you are doing! She needs to believe she stands a very big chance in losing you. How worried do you think she is currently? As long as you are wearing your SH cape, and trying to hang out with her............. she won't worry at all.
It is up to you if you want to gain her respect or live in a sham MR.
You have a lot of information to get, so continue reading.
Sandi,
Dann that is hard pill to swallow. Could you read up on my situation and let me know what you would advise?
Sandi2,
I respect your thoughts and opinions highly. You have brought a lot to this forum and I appreciate all you invest in it. I do agree with you in all you say. My issue
Is that I really am trying to change myself regardless of what my wife thinks. I am trying to be less selfish and more caring towards my family and yes my wife. Doing what I have been doing is actually making me feel more confident and positive about who I am becoming. Don't get me wrong in that I would like for her to see the changes but she has actually stepped up her responsibilty around the house too. She has become more involved in the day to day activities of my kids and the needs of the house. It really hasn't been one sided.
I could be off base here but I see my wife's affair as an exit to a failed marriage. Make
no mistakes but things were not good between us. Neither of us changed and our arguements went through the same routine every time. I don't know if I see her as a typical WW just a selfish woman who is ready to move on and focus only on what she wants.
I am not disagreeing with you in any way. I look toward to your thoughts. Hopefully you can shed more light for me.
Actually you are right about her being a WW. I reread a few of your threads and see where I was wrong. Could you tell me how to proceed since financially it will be hard to move out if I have to. I do not want to clkick her out as she does take care of our kids and I am in no position to be able to care for them and work.
Sandi2,
One more thing about setting boundaries. What type of boundaries need to be set if we must live under the same roof or is it imperative for one of us to leave. I want to have the talk with my W but I need to have my plan together like you said. Just so it's clear I haven't been whining or even brining up the affai with her. I have Ben GALing and have been really enjoying it. Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated from your perspective.
So sandi2 has really made me think about my life and where I am In it. To all new posters or people who are reading and have not participated yet, she is the voice of you conscience. If you read any of her posts then you will know she knows what she is talking about because she was that woman.
I have made a decision to confront my wife after my daughter graduates high school this June. I do not want to ruin this experience for her. After her graduation party I am going to have the big talk with my W. I am going to calmly tell her that I am not going to live in this type of open M and constantly be disrespected. While I value that she is free to make her own choices I am too free to make mine. I will no longer be a part of this situation and that I wish her the best in life but the time has come to move on for me and to focus on me and what I need to do to become whole again.
I have to start figuring out where I am going to live because right now my son needs to stay in his house and live near all his friends and keep playing his sports. Question to anyone out there, can I lay down this boundary and stil stay in the house as my finances couldn't really support an apartment. I am looking into friends that I can stay at their house and control bite financially for an extended time. Just trying to figure out how to follow through after the talk. Also, how long should I wait for her to process it or is that not something I should consider. This is a whole new approach for me so any comments are welcome.
Whatever you do never be the one to leave the home. She is having the A, she should leave. At a bare minimum W should move out of the marriage bedroom. It isn't a punishment for her if she is still living in the home that you still have to pay for. Don't know anything about the OM your W is seeing. But when does nothing to help her out, then that will be the first sign if reality kicking in for her.
My immediate advice is get through the next week without making any big moves. You are still learning and trying to make decisions about what to do.
Before you do anything else, you need to see your situation with a different view point. You talk as though you would be the one leaving. But you are the
faithful spouse, so why would
you leave the marital home? She has no job, and maybe no source of income other than what you provide.........yet thought nothing of cheating on you. Isn't that kind of like biting the hand that feeds? She removes herself from the umbrella of your provision and protection when she chooses another man over her H. Maybe she thought she would be set up in her nice home, while her LBH worked to continue providing her with the nicer things in life.......especially if she has a sense of entitlement. I doubt she was thinking about how she'd support herself when she began an A. What I am saying here is that she should be the spouse that physically moves out of the marital home........and should not expect any spousal support (unless the law deems otherwise).
Where she lives and how she gets by, should not be your problem. Yes, you still love her. Tough love is not when you stop loving that person. It's doing something that is tough for you, but with the intent of letting go of the emotional rope around your loved one and allow them to deal with their issues without you helping/rescuing them. I understand that that may be the furtherest direction from who you have always been as a person. If you decide to go the tougher love route, you may need to learn to see some things outside the box you've been in for a long time.
Actually, I do not recommend in-house separation. If you have to live under the same roof, then do not refer to it as separation.......b/c you aren't separated from anything but the beds. Being under the same roof and your W calling herself separated from you, doesn't work, either. Cake eating could not come in any bigger slices than a WW in an A living at home at her H's expense. One thing we learn in life is that we don't get everything both ways.
Doing what I have been doing is actually making me feel more confident and positive about who I am becoming
Who/what are you becoming? Who/what were you when she fell in love with you? Would you have done the same actions if a girlfriend had treated you this way?
Acting like her unpaid employee is not good for
her! From what I read, you went way overboard. No husband should do everything around the house, if his W is physically capable. Her respect will shed worse than dog hair. With that said, she may be the type of woman who enjoys teamwork. And if that's the case and it helps her step up more.......then pitching in to do your share is fine. It is okay to work "with" her doing chores. It's just not okay for you to do her work for her. It makes for a lousy wife, and she's already batting low. You guys need to realize a "normal" W would appreciate extra help around the house..........but if you are M to a spoiled, self entitled princess........this will just add more to her sense of entitlement. You were working 70 hrs a week, while she had no little kids during the day and yet had time for an affair. Just saying.........Something's not right with that picture!
I want to add another verse to that line of thinking. Men show their love for their family by providing as good of a life as financially possible. However, women often forget that tidbit when they are lonely and feel they never have one on one time with their H. Everything is not about a job or working around the house (although important). It is about what two people put into the
relationship.
If your W respected you once, she can respect you again. She has to see that she can't manipulate you or treat you badly. Guess who is responsible there? Whenever she does something that is disrespectful or clearly showing her selfishness.........that is when you need to call her hand on it. Not getting into an argument or whatever, but let her know you won't tolerate disrespect.
There is a link about boundaries on Cadet's post.
Thank you sandi2. You are opening my eyes to a very different perspective. I wasn't doing all the chores in the house. I was only doing the amount of things that any normal spouse would do. For me the last few years working these hours I had become numb to trying to help around the house with chores. So in reality, I am doing a personal 180 where instead of focusing on me and how tired or stressed I may be, I chip in and help. I was never doing her share. Yes, I probably did a little extra but I felt better for it. I was actually taking pride in the fact that I was not as self centered as I was in the past.
How do I take care of my S7 if I kick her out of the house. It is impossible for me to work so many hours and be there for him. There really is no one around me that can help with that. That is why I was saying I would leave or separate but stay in the same house. If you wouldn't call it separation what would you call it? What would I need to do in this case to prevent any cake eating?
In looking at what you said about letting her know when she has disrespected me and not tolerating it, my question is without going the route of one of us moving out, is there an approach of me being firm with both of us living together and yet still getting the same results. I will take time to read Cadets links but I am really trying to figure out my best course of action.
Th
One more stupid question if you don't mind. After really working on myself and doing 180s and GAL, why would she go from being ok with not talking and being next to me to texting and calling me at work and wanting to start to do activities with me. She was perfectly content without doing this and I was still here paying for the bills and everything. Why start to open herself back up to me when it didn't matter before. Can you shed some light as to why she has gradually eased herself into this new mentality. This is probably what is most confusing.
Thank you very much for taking time out of your life to try and help me. I deeply appreciate it.
Just because you kick the W out of the home doesn't suddenly make you the only parent. You two will have to come up with some kind of arrangement in regards to the kid. He can be with his mother when your working, then you can have him afterwards or what other deal you two come up with.
I get that but me trying to prove a point and get respect while turning my son's life upside down is not a trade off I am willing to make. I love my W with all my heart but I will not have my children get caught up in this drama. I know they will be affected one way or another but I would like to minimize it as much as possible.
Not saying that Sandi's advice is bad, especially considering that I may end up taking it myself. But if you do plan on taking her advice. Then your sons life will be turned upside down, which would only be the fault of your W. Tough choices have to be made if want to get respect the way Sandi is suggesting. Either that are stick solely with what your currently doing and hope that things work out without having to threaten to evict her. Perhaps there is another option. But the most extreme option to knock her back track would be getting put out. Who knows the threat alone might be enough for her to stop.
That's true but sandi2 seems pretty confident that nothing else will get her to respect you and I am starting to believe that. Either way I am waiting until the end of June when my daughter graduates. So I have 2 months to see how the current way progresses. I am working on my GAL and will keep with the 180 until then. I had picked up the DR book on Thursday and I am almost done with it. The book talks about looking for the small changes to see if a method is working and from where I was 7 weeks ago there have been many small positive changes. Obviously not everything is where I would like it to be but it has been a nice change from the way things were for the past year.
Have a good night Tread. I hope everything keeps moving in the right direction for you. It sounds like it is.
Please start a new thread, you are over 112 posts