Hi there.
I have never reached out to strangers before, but I feel that I need to at this time in my life.
I have known my husband for 10 years,been married 7 almost 8, and now I do not think we will make it to 8. Looking back, things have not been great for a long time. We haven't been intimate in a year.
But through it all, there were always kisses and cuddles - I love you's and I miss you's.
My husband started a new job last year; i've never been more proud but as time went by, he had less and less time for me.
I would bicker with him over wanting him to choose to spend time with me rather that out drinking with his friends.
This has been a problem for longer than the new job, but it seemed to be worse and more frequent.
We had an argument 3 weeks ago over something so trivial and now my husband has said to me that our marriage is not working and for him it is over. This came as a complete shock to me.
There have been times over the years where I have thought this isn't working but not once did I ever think of leaving my marriage - I thought we were stuck in a rut, I thought we would work through it and he just ended it like that. He has now moved into the spare room.
He calls maybe once a day whilst all I do is cry and wait for his call.
I have tried talking with him, but the answers I get range from I don't know & I know.
He talks candidly about work, but not us; he tells me he loves me and that he is sorry he has hurt me and that he hates to see me so sad - yet he is not doing anything to repair this.
I have asked him to come to counselling - but deep down I wonder if it is all too much too late? He has said he will come, but when I have asked "Do you want this to work" he says that he doesn't know and doesn't think that it can work - its like he's avoiding saying that he want's it to work or he doesn't.
If he genuinely doesn't want it to work, why offer to come to counselling? He will come and give me a cuddle - holding me tighter than he has held me in years but then leave me to go out with his friends.
It's all so confusing.
I want so desperately for him to tell me that our marriage is worth saving, worth fighting for, but it's as if he can't be bothered to make the effort. He said that we could do something one night - I took this as a sign of him maybe trying to make an effort.
We got a takeout, a few beers and decided to watch a film. He went to bed at 8.30pm! Tonight he is going out with his friend - they are getting take out, a few beers and going to watch a film - he won't be going to bed at 8.30..... he will be having fun like he used to with me.
I'm so broken; why if someone loves me, is sorry that they hurt me, continuing to act in this way which is causing me so much heartache.
I no longer know how to be around him - he can come for a cuddle- it's what I want and long for, yet I do not know whether I can give him a hug as the last time I did he told me that "he wasn't there in that place..." Can this marriage be saved? How do you, when you have lost the connection, lost everything, rebuild? He says that it hasn't been working for a long time - so why did he book a vacation which is due to happen in a few weeks if things weren't working(we booked last August)?
If things had been so wrong, why hasn't he looked into how to get separated or divorced - why spring that its over on me with no idea what to do next?
Sorry for rambling - just very hurt, lost and confused and have no idea what to do.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sorry you are here island. You have given a great description of who your husband is.
Regardless of what is going on with him, you need to give yourself more value. Remain friendly to him, but stop being available. Be more mysterious. GAL. Don't chase him. He will only want to run a way more. When he goes out, you make sure tkmo go out to.
Absolutely no relationship talks. Even if he is cuddling kmor seems to be receiving to it. He needs to have to worry about losing you. He needs to be the one to pursue.
Read up on distancer/pursued relationships and keep you're pride intact.
Sadly it's a game that none of us want to have to play with our long term spouses, but seriously it's the only way to make you valuable in their eyes.
Beat of luck
(Sorry for all the typos. Texting from a phone)
Island, you are not alone. There are lots of us here on line willing to listen, sharing similar stories.
Get the books "Divorce Busting", and/or "Divorce Remedy". What is great about these books is they show how YOU can save your marriage, and feel good about it. He doesn't have to be involved.
Get a life of your own, put some distance between the two of you, and don't be so available to him. Those concepts have helped me immensely.
Post here often, and let us know how it's going.
Good luck.
Thank you. I feel so alone. I know I'm doing everything that I shouldn't, but I want so much to have my husband back; not this stranger who appears to feel nothing when the tears are rolling down my face.
He seems to be having fun and I see it and remember when he used to smile and joke with me.
I feel like someone looking through a window at a happy family but not being part of it.
I don't understand how my loving husband has turned to be so cruel.
Hi Island,
I understand your pain as well. It's debilitating.
First things first, go buy Divorce Remedy and do not let your husband see it. Starting reading it and taking notes.
In the meantime, keep posting here. You can vent all you want.
You are amongst the most caring people I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with.
I know it doesn't seem like it now, the pain will ease with time.
I've just read the list of do's and dont's - I seem to be doing everything I shouldn't be and the worst part is that I know I shouldn't be doing it but I can't stop myself.
I'd chew off my right leg to save my marriage in truth.
I know I need to GAL but for so long my life has been his. If he were to ask me to drop everything because he wants to do something, I would - yet I know I shouldn't.
I hate getting up in the mornings. I dread coming home from work - my dogs are great but it's not like they can have a conversation. I absolutely hate the weekends - not knowing if he'll spend time with me, not knowing if he'll come home. I don't want to go out as when I'm out all I can think about is - we used to go here, I want to share my fun times with him.
This will pass island. You won't always feel this way.
We all recognize these feelings and they are inevitable. The man who once cherished you suddenly does not. When that happens we blame ourselves, we beg, we apologize, we question, we demand. This is all natural.
It's hard to understand that right now they just no longer care. You are no longer on that pedestal. For what ever reason. It might not even be about you.
What will make you feel better and make yourself more attractive to him is to go seek out your own life. Even though you are miserable, get dressed up, call a friend and go anywhere.
We end up looking pathetic and unattractive when we are at their beck and call.
You have no power or control of how he feels or how he will act. But you have control over how you act. Act with pride and dignity and grace.
He is not a special unicorn
Thank you. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond. I've just read the going dark- so much harder to put into practice.
We're living in the same house, albeit that he has moved into the spare room.
He'll chat animatedly about his day at work and I listen intently. We still have to talk about bills and payments, even the dogs when what I really want to do is run away.
I think if you really want to get back with him, it's important to remain light and friendly. Don't go complete non contact unless you have to for your own sanity. (a bit different from how men whose wives walked away are advised to act) Sandy has a great post on it in t0324s thread. This post is pretty recent. My db coach always told me to remain friendly, not to go dark.
I know how 1950s this sounds, but you really do have to get dressed up, get out there and make him worry a bit. But not in an obvious way.
I was never able to do any of this. I thought "how dare he, the selfish p.." and was really angry. I could not keep that under wraps. I also kept texting him asking if there was someone else, etc.
Then I just gave up and figured why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me? I'm a pretty good partner and have a lot going for me.
(I'm sure you are too)
So he's come home from work. He's apologized for causing me pain, he says he hates seeing me so sad. He even asked for a hug. Am I supposed to say no??
He's said he's sorry he has to go back to work, but I know that will only be for an hour before he goes out with his mates.
We talked - I know I shouldn't, but it's hard to keep my mouth shut. When he said he's sorry that he's hurt me and made me sad, I said I understand but nothing has been done to stop the hurt. I told him it saddens me to see him so conflicted and confused. He then hugged me again.
He repeated that he hates that he hurt me and I said - regardless of if our marriage survives, this hurt will stay with me for a long time. I added that if it works out, then the positive would be that maybe it needed to happen in order for us to prioritize each other, if it doesn't work out, then it needed to happen to bring the chapter to a close. He then asked for another hug.
I know I should keep my mouth closed, but my heart has so much it wants to say. It's killing me to see him so dejected (in front of me anyway) and I'm crushed that our marriage in his eyes is over. I know I should probably not be available for the hugs, but I treasure them so much......
Focus on his actions and not on his words...
His actions
1. He is leaving and going out with his friends.
2. He is not prioritizing you or your feelings or your marriage.
I'm so sorry Island. It's going to sting for a while so brace yourself. However, there is hope. Lots of people have attracted their WAS back. I've done it 2x (keeping her is another story).
Take some deep breathes and prepare yourself for a roller coaster. Stay strong and you will come out ok, with or without your husband.
I've just read the list of do's and dont's - I seem to be doing everything I shouldn't be and the worst part is that I know I shouldn't be doing it but I can't stop myself.
I'd chew off my right leg to save my marriage in truth.
I know I need to GAL but for so long my life has been his. If he were to ask me to drop everything because he wants to do something, I would - yet I know I shouldn't.
I hate getting up in the mornings. I dread coming home from work - my dogs are great but it's not like they can have a conversation. I absolutely hate the weekends - not knowing if he'll spend time with me, not knowing if he'll come home. I don't want to go out as when I'm out all I can think about is - we used to go here, I want to share my fun times with him.
It doesn't matter if you've done the things you shouldn't. All that matters is that starting now you start trying your best to do the things you should.
I was in a very similar situation... desperate to save my marriage, and willing to do ANYTHING. Something that helped me a lot was an acquaintance reminding me that "desperation is not attractive." My situation is yet unresolved (not looking good, though), but it helped tremendously in so many ways. You might BE desperate, but don't ACT desperate.
I've just read the list of do's and dont's - I seem to be doing everything I shouldn't be and the worst part is that I know I shouldn't be doing it but I can't stop myself.
Don't feel bad. You're hurt, scared, and probably angry, which is never a recipe for good decision making. Being human isn't a failing.
Hi Island,
Welcome to the board. None of us would choose to be here, but we are a good group and will listen and help you walk through this lonely, horrible, shocking time. Post often and you will get more responses and feedback. Also begin reading other newcomers' threads and comment on them. That will also increase your feedback. This forum has given me back my sanity. It very well may not save my marriage, but it has helped me cope more than any other single thing. And don't worry or beat yourself up about doing all the wrong things. Just make tomorrow a new day, and start doing things right. Hang in there, girl. I promise you it will eventually feel more bearable.
So today's a new day. The H came home - was aloof and cool. We had a fitness test to go to - part of the end of a challenge set up by our gym. It was so hard to focus. He kept telling me how good I was doing.
There's a party tonight to celebrate the end of the challenge - I have no idea how to be. No one where we live knows that he has told me it's over; am I supposed to put on a smile and fake it till I make it? I'm not sure I can.
We talked - god only knows why, I try and remain composed but I can feel my eyes welling up. He repeats that he doesn't mean to be causing me pain, but he doesn't think this can be fixed. I say that it would take both of us to work at it- if he doesn't think it can work, why sign up to come to counseling with me? He said he didn't know.
He then hugs me so tightly I end up balling my eyes out. I'm crushed. We live in another country to my support, my family, I have few friends here as they're all 'our' friends - I feel helpless and alone. I long for my caring husband to be there, but he seems lost to me.
How do I turn it around? How do I pick myself up and go on? I thought we'd be together and be grumpy retirees, grow old together - all my dreams and aspirations are linked with him.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So out parents know - they are devastated. They know because we are due to be returning home for a wedding in 3 weeks - the H doesn't know if he wants to go so we had to tell them.
He left and said he's be a couple of hours 5 hours ago. Ive not called or messaged - which has been hard. We are supposed to be attending a party tonight - bought the tickets a couple of weeks ago. He has now said he will meet me there as he's going to go out "for work" first.
Part of me is feeling that he wants me to make the decision to call time so he doesn't have to feel guilty. He can say that we tried counseling, but then I was the one to call time. I don't know why I have that feeling - just because he says one thing, does another...... do I call time, or do I bide my time to see if this can be turned around.
I have't commented on others posts as yet - i'm in such a bad place that I have nothing to offer at the moment. I know I can be strong and when I find myself, I will offer my help and support where needed.
I forgot to add - he came to give me a hug earlier, and our eyes locked. I looked..... searched for something in his eyes....... whilst mine were welling up with tears, there was nothing in his....... they were cold, emotionless; could it be that there really is nothing there anymore?? Could it really be done and I am trying to hold on to something that just isn't there???
Island, the beginning is tough. The eyes are shark eyes. I saw where Job said this is the loss of empathy. They can come back to life. Try not to fixate on that.
Leave him alone. Don't text or call. Let him initiate. Do your thing. You can do this, you really can. It does get easier day by day. The more you find you, the less you will miss him, and in turn the more attractive you will be to him. When everything else is out of your control, work on the things you can.
So sorry you are hurting Island. I think you should leave your H alone and do not let him see you cry. You can consider leaving him alone a 180.
Follow Sandi's rules and detach.
So I went to the party. I wore a dress I've not fitted in for 5 years and felt a million dollars. Everyone, including my H said I looked fabulous which was nice.
He showed up very late as he said he had a work thing.
Once we got home he said he needed to go for a walk. He's not come home. Why is he being so cruel?? I'm thinking of filing myself now. Why am I fighting so hard to stay when he's doing nothing to keep me?
It appears your H does not desire to be home alone with you. It could be due to a number of reasons, however, there is only one thing you can do about it. Look at the woman you have become and what you can do to change. As you start to take inventory, ask yourself questions, such as the following:
What did he see when he would go home?
How much did you complain to him?
How much did you criticize?
How clingy and pocessive are you?
How much fun is it to live with you?
Did you work opposite shifts from him?
Who did most of the work at home?
He is not going to suddenly change his mind and want to stay in the marriage. The sooner you stop wringing your hands and focus on filling your life and give him space, the sooner the MR has a chance to be saved. If you are initiating calls, texting, email, etc.............stop it. If he contacts you, then be sweet and don't complain or ask him if he's coming home or when. It makes him feel like you are smothering him. For whatever reason........he is wanting some freedom from his wife.
Back up to the reason for having a lack or intimacy. Why has that stopped? Whenever the intimacy stops, it won't be long till the MR is facing a fragile time. I am not saying for you to start trying to seduce him as a way of getting him to stay home. I am saying that the problem in the bedroom could be at the bottom of what's going on now.
Again I want to stress the point that he is not going to succumb to emotional pressure from you. You are wanting reassurance (right this minute) that the M is okay, but it won't likely work that way. So for now, focus on yourself instead of what he's doing.
I noticed throughout your posting, you would admit you knew not to do x, y, & z........and then you would add a "but" you couldn't help it, etc. I beg to differ. You can help it, and you must. Having the head knowledge does you no good if you won't act upon it.
Last words for today is.........don't guilt him. Do your crying in private. Don't give him the silent treatment or cold shoulder. Don't throw yourself at his feet and plead with him. Don't ask for affection. Show class, poise, grace, and self-respect. Stop asking him questions and stop talking about the relationship!
Thank you. I know what you are saying - it's just so difficult.
When we got home, I'm not sure how it started - we had both been drinking at the party. I told him I hated him. I know it was wrong; I'm just so hurt and it was the drink and the hurt talking. That's why he said he went for a walk. He said he stayed at a hotel. Not sure if I believe him.
He said he'd understand if I hated him - I told him I don't. He said he understood that I am hurt and angry.
He chatted the whole afternoon about his work -asking my thoughts and it was so nice. Just chatting normally. I took myself of to bed and he came a gave me a hug before going to the spare room.
I know I have to give him space and I am going to, it's just since moving here - I moved here and gave up so much to come with him- my world has been his.
Again thank you for your words and for all the support.
So I have come to work. I feel empty. He was chatting away about all the exciting things he has coming up, asking for advice etc and it's killing me that I am not part of that.
I went to leave for work and he came to me for a hug. I didn't initiate. He gave me a kiss on the cheek. I am clinging to these moments.
I have made a promise to myself to not call him today as I normally would - just because and he would call me just because; I'm going to try and busy myself at work to take my mind off it. I will probably see him at the gym later.
I have to ask - I know he needs space, but what if he enjoys the space, what if it just takes him further away? We have a counselling session on Thurs - I know they don't have a magic wand, but it must mean something that he is willing to come?.....
Island,
I don't know if it's good or bad, but everyone seems to be avoiding the elephant in the room. I hate to see you writhing in pain and I think it's important to be forthright. There's a very high probability that your husband is having an affair. He very likely met someone when he started his new job and that has blossomed into an affair. That's why he's acting differently. He feels guilty for leaving you but he's excited about his new make believe life with whomever he's involved with. It's affair fog.
I know that discovering that hurts, but it also helps you understand what you're up against. There's also a possibility that I'm wrong, but if I were a gambling man...
Thank you doodler.
The thought has crossed my mind on more than one occassion. I've asked outright - he says no. His parents asked - he still says no. I mean he is hardly going to admit it, but it was one of the first things I asked when he dropped the bomb and my gut didn't tell me that he was lying when he said no; or he has become an incredibly good liar.
In truth, if he was having an affair it would make my decision easier as I would walk away; from him and the marriage. Whereas right now, I want to do all I can to see if it can be saved, before going down the divorce route. If it comes to that, at least I will be able to say that I did everything possible - no what if's.
Am I naive for believing him - potentially/probably, but I would like to think he's still a good person, if a little confused and conflicted.
Hello Island,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Don't beat yourself up regarding past mistakes on how to handle things. Slip ups happen! The good news is that you are recognizing the slip ups and are learning from them.
Keep up the good work at the gym! What other GAL activities interest you? Any hobbies you enjoyed and haven't done in a while? You could even go to a bookstore and read DR while enjoying a coffee or tea so you're not at home when expected.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thank you Cristy - I have done ok today - I have managed not to call him - he did however call me. I answered; am I not supposed to? We chatted about general stuff - he was telling me about what had been going on at work. He didn't ask once how my day had been going so I didn't bring it up.
I called time on the call, just said I'd better be letting him go as I know he is busy. Left it at that.
Its so hard. I would love to call, but I live on an island in the caribbean - calls to US are so expensive; this is why i joined the forum as I just feel so alone and being able to put what i'm feeling out there and knowing i am not alone is some comfort.
I really am grateful for all the support and advice.
Thank you Cristy - I have done ok today - I have managed not to call him - he did however call me. I answered; am I not supposed to? We chatted about general stuff - he was telling me about what had been going on at work. He didn't ask once how my day had been going so I didn't bring it up.
I called time on the call, just said I'd better be letting him go as I know he is busy. Left it at that.
Its so hard. I would love to call, but I live on an island in the caribbean - calls to US are so expensive; this is why i joined the forum as I just feel so alone and being able to put what i'm feeling out there and knowing i am not alone is some comfort.
I really am grateful for all the support and advice.
Hi Island,
Good job by not calling him and ending the call he made before he did. One step at a time, right?
We work with many, many international clients. Hopefully there is an inexpensive option that would be helpful to you.
In the meantime, you are getting excellent advice from the generous folks here. Focus all of your time, effort and energy on being the best Island that only a fool would leave. These changes need to be made for you.
How about going for a walk on the beach before you head home after work? No need to rush right home, take some time to yourself. Keep your chin up and enjoy the sun and sea air.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
So - I had no sleep last night - twisted my knee at the gym.
The H called me 10 minutes before the gym class to say he had been called into a conference call. I said I was fine with that.
I came home from the gym - it was hard to concentrate - i wasn't there mentally, cooked myself dinner - still no H. He texted at 7 to say he was just wrapping up and would be home soon. He got in about 8.30. He followed me out when I took the dogs to the garden and chatted - just like old times; telling me that he needs to book a trip to the US in the next 2 weeks.
Its hard to hear, as I long to be part of his future, but I don't feature in it anymore. We booked a trip back to the UK back in November/December; supposed to be leaving at the end of the month - supposed to be spending a few days first in Miami for his birthday, but it looks like I will be heading off alone now. The thought makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.
We sat up chatting - he bought up that one of the VP's had a bet with him as he believed another couple my H works with were having problems ; Seriously - your joking and betting on other peoples relationships when ours is in the toilet??? He said he had won, as they are fine, so the VP said he was glad he was wrong and owes him a drink. It really upset me for some reason.
I went to bed. Couldn't sleep - knee was hurting every time I moved and so much running through my head. In the morning, he came out and was chatting - I ended up saying that I thought his comments were inappropriate and insensitive; he apologized. It got quite deep - not what I wanted at the start of my day. He said he wants to go to counselling to see if this can work - they don't have a magic wand - he has to make an effort too! I said yesterday, when he called, and for most of the evening all he did was talk about HIS life, HIS day & his plans..... not once did he ask about me. He again apologized for what its worth.
I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I want to wake up and have my husband back. I feel sick when I think about things - how did we get here - is there any road back?
Just venting to stop be breaking down in the middle of the office.
Me 37 H 37
T 9 yrs M 8yrs
Bomb 31 March 2017
Soooo I may have just gone a little psycho on the phone to the H. So he called me again at 530 to cancel the gym - told me he had a meeting. I decided I was going to go out with some friends. So I leave the house 645 - he calls randomly to tell me his meeting hasn't started yet and he was just going to it.
I thought it was weird but carried on with my night. I asked if he could feed the dogs when his meeting was over as it was a bit early for me to do and he said yes. I came home just gone 10 and Lo and behold he wasn't home. I called. No answer. I texted - he read it. So I called no answer. Eventually he called me back. Then I lost it.
I was livid. I couldn't help it - he is just so selfish. This isn't the man I married. He told me where he was, I asked would he be there if I drove up...... he told me that would piss him off - really, like I care right now.
He has turned me into an untrusting, paranoid person - this is not who I am. I hate what I am becoming, I hate this situation. Where did it all go wrong. So lost right now.
Can I suggest next time he is talking animatedly about his day at work, you say "I'd like to talk about this later, but I'm meeting Jane for a drink", and then go meet Jane for a drink.
Disengage, make him realize you aren't sitting around waiting for him to tell you about his day. Get a life of your own. You don't need to run away, you need to walk toward your own life.
Thank you Jim. I will; although I'm not sure I will have the opportunity. I'm validating this behavior by being so paranoid and I know this - He was the first person I trusted after being single for 5 years - I have never had a reason to not trust him until now and he is just so different.
He said this morning that he is going to probably stay at a friends house. I'm terrified that the distance will only make it worse; how much worse it can get I don't know.... but part of me thinks it will be easier for me too as I won't be sitting up waiting on him coming in, if he comes home at all. Its the unknown that scares me.
He told me he deals with things his own way, which can mean shutting down. I said that he had never not shared anything with me before and he shouted that we have never been through anything like this before. I do not know what I have done......
I will try and take your advice; i know logically it makes sense, but its hard as I am so proud of him and genuinely care about how his day is.
Again, thank you for taking the time to write.
So my H called me a couple of times today - I took the day off work as i hadn't slept and I can't remember the last time i ate. Its been great for weight loss.
I had the day to myself - tidying the house, brushing and playing with the dogs - it was nice.
On both calls he told me he does care and he hates to be hurting me........ what do i say to that? The fact is he is hurting me and doing nothing to stop it.
He also told me that he was going to stay at a friends house - he added he wasn't moving out, just wanted space. I told him I would prefer he stayed in the spare room as I don't like being in the house alone, but it fell on deaf ears. How can someone care and not want to hurt you, but leave you in an empty home knowing you're scared?
I have managed to hold it together for most of the day - it's only now as the late afternoon draws on and I know he will be coming to pick up his stuff that I have found my self sobbing. I'm going to go and take the dogs for a walk.....
We have our first counseling session tomorrow - I have never been to counseling - anyone have any information on what I can expect?
You can expect a lot of crying.
I suppose it depends on the counselor. Some will ask about your childhoods, some will ask what's going between the two of you. The first session seems kind of like a "get to know you" period.
Don't expect to walk out of there with everything suddenly ok between you and H.
So we had out first session of counseling. He wanted to pick me up which was fine.
We got there and he was quite chatty but when we went in, it was like sitting with a stranger. I tried to own the problems I can work on without pointing the finger. He bought up that I nag him - which I do.
He also bought up that I speak to him poorly. I asked why he had never mentioned any of this to me- he said he didn't know. I know over the years I have become snappy - I'm just so accustomed to having to ask the same stuff over and over again that I suppose I have stopped asking and just bark. I apologized and said I would work on it.
I blubbed pretty much the whole way through - he sat there cold and never once offered anything that he would like to work on. When asked he said whether he wants the relationship or not. It was so hard to hear.
When we left he was a different person - he grabbed my hand. AGAIN apologized for hurting me and saying he hated seeing me upset. He told me that I need to know he loves me, but he just needs some space.
He came home after the gym and said he was going to stay at a friends house. I said OK and said that I was going out to meet some friends. I asked if he would be staying at his friends for more than a couple of days to which he said yes.
About 30 minutes later he told me that he hadn't decided if he was staying at his friends for more than one night - he didn't know what he wanted to do.
He left and then I went out. About an hour into my night, my phone rings - its him. I was so torn as to whether I should ignore it like he does when i call him, but then what if something bad had happened - so i answered it. Our car had been broken into, his wallet stolen. I asked if there was anything I could do, he said no - and in the back of my head i'm wondering why he is calling me.
I had a fun night and honestly its probably the best nights sleep i've had since he told me it was over - think the beers may have helped.
I've woken up this morning - he had said we could take the dogs to the beach, but he's not home........ i;ve gone from feeling quite strong last night, to that sick feeling in my stomach again. I just don't know how we can find out way back, and if not back, forward to a new beginning.........
Do people ever really work it out?
Yes, they do work things out.
Your best bet is to continue to GAL. I know its hard not to obsess about what every phone call, text, smile etc means. None of it makes any sense.
Try being a little more unavailable to H. Not in a cold way, but in way that indicates you are starting to become happy with your life again (Act as if).
I think he's not sure what he wants to do. Don't attach too much importance to him not talking during counseling. He is probably just feeling it out. He will probably open up more a few sessions into it.
He calls while you're out? Don't answer. Text him that you're busy and ask if it's an emergency.
He's not there to take the dogs to the beach with you? Take them yourself; leave a note letting him know which beach you went to.
It's hard. It's so easy for me to type this, and so hard for us both to put into action. I'm trying, and I hope you are too.
SO its been a couple of days - and things have gone from bad to worse.
He has pretty much been staying at his friend "Ed's" house. He said he needed space. Its been a long weekend here so he said he would be home Saturday and spend the public holiday here so we could so some things around the house and with the dogs. I thought it would be nice.
I went out with a girlfriend Friday night - he called, I answered and it was very pleasant.
He came home lunch time Saturday. We sat in the garden, had a few beers, watched a movie then went off to our separate bedrooms.
Got up Sunday, chilled for a bit before taking the dogs to the beach - it was really nice. In the car on the way home, he asked what I wanted for dinner - I said I didn't know, could get take out, could go out...... he snapped at me to stop trying. I explained that I wasn't and that I was just making suggestions. We came home and bathed the dogs. Things seemed ok. He said he had to phone his mum.
He came back 15 minutes later and said he was going to stay with "Ed" every other day - this took me by surprise - how do you go from asking what someone wants for dinner to staying elsewhere. He showered, came outside and gave me a huge hug and said he was sorry before leaving.
I was distraught. A friend came over and we had a nice evening - she distracted me and got my mind off it. Late that evening the H texted to say he was sorry I was hurting, he just needs space and that he does care - even ended it with a kiss.
So its Monday morning. I thought I would go to the stables...... I got up and when I got to the end of the road i decided to to right instead of left. Lo and Behold there was his car parked outside another womans house.
I called him - I gave him the opportunity to be honest - I asked how his night at Ed's was - he said they had a quiet evening. I then told him I was in the car park.
I drove off. We met at our house later. He said he lied as he knew I would just overreact if he had told me where he was - Yes I very well may have, but now he has just made himself out to be a liar. All these other times he has stayed at Ed's how do I know he has been there and not at hers? He swears that I have the wrong end of the stick and that there is nothing going on, and that he stayed in the spare room - but how do I believe that??
Needless to say - he sat there and basically said that he's had the space he needs, he's made his mind up, our marriage is OVER.
He said he will still go to counseling to see if they can say anything that will change his mind, but he doubts it........ why go in the first place.
He's taken his stuff and gone back to her house. He says because its close by its convenient for him to help with the dogs and staying in the house is not good for either of us.
I hate to say it, I think I now agree with him - I don't think there is anyway to save our marriage - I think its done. What do I do??? I don't want to lose my husband, but deep down, I know I already have.
Ouch. There's a lot of information on here about infidelity that you should read.
Get a life. He might come back once the affair runs it's course, but he might not. Work on becoming the best YOU that you can be.
Island, I've been there. Mine had a 3 year hidden affair. I learned about it, back and forth, promises, yada yada yada. Then I kick him out. Within 1 month I caught him on dating sites behind her back. At the end of the 2nd month he moved out of her house. I think they had a couple of back and forths and then by the end of month 3 they were done for good. Mine is seriously messed up and has other issues going on so is still running from woman to woman. But, my point is that sneaking around and having affairs are very different from real life. Real life is where you left your dirty clothes, leaving dishes in the sink, paying bills, processing what you have done, feeling the shame from friends and family, etc. Sadly I think you need to listen to Jim. Work on you and wait (if you want) for the affair to run its course. Be the calm, cool, and collected woman at home. Eventually he'll be telling her she should be more like you. I know its hard, but as everyone says, it is a marathon. You may not believe it, but the more you work on you, the less you will care about him.
So he's come home from work. He's apologized for causing me pain, he says he hates seeing me so sad. He even asked for a hug. Am I supposed to say no??
He's said he's sorry he has to go back to work, but I know that will only be for an hour before he goes out with his mates.
We talked - I know I shouldn't, but it's hard to keep my mouth shut.
but it is not helping you or your cause. Do what helps, not what sets you back.
It's not attracting him back to try and guilt him or to be too needy.
Have you gotten the book?
When he said he's sorry that he's hurt me and made me sad, I said I understand but nothing has been done to stop the hurt.
you're telling him to change how he feels b/c you are in pain. It does not work that way. You need to become a woman only a fool would leave. He may be a fool, but you cannot know that right now b/c you are pleading with him to return to a sad hurt woman, and that's not going to work.
Besides, there were a lot of things you admit were lacking in the m. No intimacy for a year is a long long time...
Do you recall why that was? What would HE say were problems in the m, if he were here? And do you agree?
What things would he complain of, that YOU want to work on? B/c that is your work now, not getting him back, but to become the best Island you can become.
(Which paradoxically increases the chances of getting him back).
Here is the "thing" to know.
The WAS (walk away spouse) will NOT return to the marriage they left - - UNLESS
they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.
So YOU have to show (not with words) that it can be better/different than before
because you are changing.
How can you show him that you are more like the woman he fell in love with?
I told him it saddens me to see him so conflicted and confused. He then hugged me again.
Did he SAY he was confused and conflicted?
He repeated that he hates that he hurt me and I said - regardless of if our marriage survives, this hurt will stay with me for a long time.
Oh sweet Island, I wish I could take your pain off your shoulders for at least a night.
You have to realize that telling him you will hurt for a long time is the opposite of what he needs to hear. It's like saying "I will be sad (angry?) around you and NOT FUN or attractive for a really long time.
Island, does that Sound appealing??
Wouldn't it be better to believe that you can work things out, once you have the tools for it? Not slogging through for years, but that joy & passion can be a part of the m?
Island, sometimes we let fears and inertia bond us and hold us still. Can you tell us why you want this man as your forever partner?
Is a part of you clinging to him b/c of fear, and not wanting to be the rejected party, as opposed to feeling super connected and as if he's "the only one"?
Because you sensed issues in the marriage.
They were not being addressed so his solution is to end the m.
I added that if it works out, then the positive would be that maybe it needed to happen in order for us to prioritize each other, if it doesn't work out, then it needed to happen to bring the chapter to a close. He then asked for another hug.
I know I should keep my mouth closed, but my heart has so much it wants to say.
say it with action, Not words. Your words are not attracting him back. Your words are not working. You cannot speak his emotions into change. The basic concept here is to do what works and NOT do what does not work.
It's very Hard, but its not complicated.
It's killing me to see him so dejected (in front of me anyway)
don't focus at all on what you perceive his emotions to be. Focus on our concepts.
Did you get the book yet?
This site has a unique approach to marriage and you may find it counter intuitive but you need to read the book so you can apply what we are advising you to do.
If you resist what we tell you and don't read the book, I fear you'll resist growth and breakthroughs with your h.
You may have a chance to save this but you will have to change your approach. Please, for your sake. Let us help you.
No more "I know I should do X, BUT instead I'll do the opposite-" it's not helping you get closer to your goal.
Do what helps you get closer to the goal.
and I'm crushed that our marriage in his eyes is over.
People change and so do their emotions. His emotions can return.
But At the moment, seeing you come to the table with sadness, desperation and needs, is NOT helping you. Find other places to vent and read the book.
There is hope, but a lot of this means you have to do what is hard. NOT complicated, but hard.
Back the heck off, Island. Take in what we are telling you, please.
I know I should probably not be available for the hugs, but I treasure them so much......
Defer todays hug for tomorrows recommitment. Back off, be busy, give him something to miss, be a little mysterious and read the book.
Know that you are going to be fine, (which is ultimately true), and that you are not alone. We are all rooting for you.
Ouch. There's a lot of information on here about infidelity that you should read.
Get a life. He might come back once the affair runs it's course, but he might not. Work on becoming the best YOU that you can be.
This^^ may seem impossible but it's the only option. I mean, what else can you do other than (understandably) lay in the fetal position?
If you really think you want him back, despite all the problems, then you will need to present yourself as an appealing alternative to OW.
if you do not know whether you want this man back, or if you know you don't,
you need to become the best self you can be.
The GAL and the detachment are things we hammer here, b/c it works.
Honestly I don't know another way to ease this pain or grow from it, without GAL and detaching...
even when we are in a lot of pain. There are some podcasts and TED talks and such, that you can listen to in order to help with the immediate pain.
I found Marianne Williamson (on fear and anger and forgiveness) to be helpful, and "Joy Junkie" too. A lot of this depends on what type of self help talks resonate most with you.
Ultimately you will have to keep getting out, getting new topics, activities to occupy your mind, to get you out meeting up with people, new activities, studying, traveling,
so that regardless of what goes on with your h, you will heal, you will grow and you just might enter a relationship with someone new, who becomes a partner in a more rewarding marriage than you had.
And some couples do remarry their exes. I think it's about 10%. However you know pretty much how NOT to have that happen and it's by the pleading and crying.
So let's not do anymore of that...you can do this. You can get through this and come to the other side.
We are here for you.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
I understand everything you have said. I doubt I will get the chance to defer any hugs etc as he left the home yesterday. He says he is not having an affair, just staying in her spare room as he needs space. He needs to be away from me, our house and everything we built together.
He said he lied to me because he knew I would overeact. I don't know what to believe anymore.
He said he didn't care if I believed him and followed that with telling me we're done, its over, Ive had space and time to think and we are finished.
I feel OK. I'm so saddened by this loss. I thought for a time we could work through things - I know I did lots of things wrong in trying to make things better, but it is now out of my hands.
I don't know what to believe anymore.
Well, not him, that's for sure. Do not believe anything he says. ANYTHING. Believe me, it reduces confusion by a significant amount...
Thank you - I know if anyone else was relaying the same story i know would be saying he is definitely having an affair, but yet he denies it!!! AND now he is living there - he says in her spare room. He tells me he needs space away from me, away from our home and away from everything we built...... WHY does he need space when has told me we are through, finished and OVER???? He also said he has not moved out, he's just giving him space for a bit - but can't tell me what his plans are, when he plans to come home or anything.
He called me this aft to tell me he has cancelled coming to the gym tonight as he didn't want me to feel awkward - I appreciated the sentiment, but unfortunately my mouth got the better of me and I quipped that it would be no more awkward or difficult than leaving the gym at the same time, going in the same direction but knowing he's going back to another womans house at the end of our road, but OF COURSE nothing is happening, he's just using the spare room.
It didn't go down well.
He apologized for being cold - he said thats how he deals with stress and emotions. I said I understood and i deal with it with a sharp tongue.
He called again saying that he wants to go to couples counseling next week..... WTH??? WHY???? Why would a man who has categorically told me we are finished, our marriage is done and OVER, WANT to go to a joint session?
I feel like its all a god damn game to him, but its not funny. I am angry one minute, sobbing the next. I need to find an even keel.
Venting on here seems to help and i truly appreciate the help and guidance.
I expect, just like you are angry one minute, sobbing the next, one minute he's sure it's over, the next he wants to go to counseling and see if your marriage can be salvaged. It's not a game; he is confused about what he wants.
My only advice is to give him reasons to WANT to come back to you. Luckily, they are the same things you will want if he doesn't come back.... a life of your own, confidence (even if you have to fake it), new hobbies, new friends........
Vent on here all you want.
Hi Island,
Venting on here DOES help, and sometimes it is the last straw before running into the street like a crazy woman and letting the whole world know you're on the verge of crazy. We've all been where you are in the horrible shock of new, painful discoveries. Keep venting! This place will walk you through it. Hugs!
My opinion... he wants to go to counseling so he can say he "tried" to make it work but not even counseling helped.
It's a way that he can help relieve his guilt for doing this.
Thornton, I'm inclined to agree with you. He could have sat down with me and said that he's given it thought, it's over but no, he threw it at me in the midst of an argument about how he lied about staying at a guys house, when in fact he is staying a a womans house; justifying his lies by saying he knew how i would react.
I hate to say it but NO - he CHOSE to lie to me - he could have told me the truth - yes it would have gone down like a lead balloon as he has male friends he could stay with, but at least he wouldn't be a liar and I wouldn't be questioning every other piece of crap he has told me over the last few weeks - especially about where he has been staying.
He said it was the first time he stayed there as he couldn't get hold of his mate - he bumped into her in a bar (he'd gone off to think - apparently bars are the best place for that) and she offered her spare room - and now he's there, living with her cos he needs "SPACE" Our spare rooms don't cut it apparently.
I'm angry because I don't feel my reaction was any different to any other woman. Im angry because he seems to think i over reacted. Im angry and broken because he used it as an excuse to show me how little out marriage was worth to him by saying "Ive given it thought, I've had time and its done, we are OVER" Doesn't seem very confused to me. In fact he made himself very clear. He then decided to say that he hadn't made up his mind about our trip to Miami for his birthday (going on to the UK) but I can go ahead and cancel that because he's not going - 1.5 weeks before we are due to go.
He sounds so unaffected when he calls - just fine whilst I am trying to keep myself from falling apart at work.
I agree with what you say about counseling -He's continuing with the individual sessions and called me today to arrange a joint one. After telling me how done we were he threw me that tiny thing called hope by saying maybe they could change his mind - then added but probably not. For someone who says he hates hurting me and hates to see me upset, he is doing a grand job of just the opposite.
I have been far from the perfect wife - there is so much more I could have done, but we got comfortable, complacent but he never said anything. In the space of a month I am no longer his beautiful wiffy, there are no more good nights and kisses, there are no more texts to say I love you; instead I am alone, hurting and angry and so very confused - yet my heart (whats left of it) has given up and agrees that it is over - I did what I could, I trusted and let him do what he wanted, and now there is nothing more to do.
I want to believe there is nothing going on - but I am not stupid - I know what I would be thinking should a friend say the same thing to me.............. As for being on the verge of crazy - i jumped on that bus a while ago and I just don't know how to get off....
You guys are awesome - thank you for being there and trying to crawl my way out of this darkness....
Island, I feel your pain and anguish in your post. You don't deserve any of this.
No one is perfect, including your H.
Honestly, I don't think your sitch is hopeless. But you need to detach and back way off of H.
Like the book says, pretend you are moving on with your life. Not in a snarky way. But in a way that conveys you forgive H but you are movIng on. Make sense?
He sounds so unaffected when he calls - just fine whilst I am trying to keep myself from falling apart.
Island,
This is because he is fine. He has all of the power in your relationship now. He has 100% of the power and you have 0% of the power. He has his wife chasing him and (sorry to say), the OW in the same house where he is now staying.
I have seen stories like yours, over and over again. I know that it is not easy and it is terrifying to come to terms with this, but there is about a 99.9% chance that he his having an affair with the woman that he is staying with.
I only say this so that you know what you are actually dealing with. Our WAS's don't really "need space". That is bullsh!t. They "need" or "want" time with their affair partner.
You will feel the need to snoop and find out for sure. I would highly discourage you from doing that. Don't snoop into his phone or email. Don't follow him. Don't park your car outside of the OW house. It will only serve to make you go crazy. Once you know things, you can't un-know them and it will stay with you forever.
You need to completely pull back and do nothing. Stay calm, silent and rational (harder said than done). But for the love of God, please do it. Any over reaction and angry outbursts by you will only send him running for the hills.
Maintain your dignity. It will be hard as hell, but it is the only way.
Island,
If you go over your post(s) it reads he this, he that, all the time he, he, he. I know what you are saying, but it is Island time. In my last reply I told you not to believe ANYTHING he says. This is important. Do not believe anything he says. Please try to wrap your brain around this one. Even he does not know what he is saying. STOP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF IT. There is no sense to me made here and the sooner so realize that, the better you will be. Some LBSs were driven to the point of madness because they were trying to "understand".
Do you know of Sandi's rules?
Thank you guys.
I have read the rules - harder said than done. He called last night. I thought to ignore the call, but thats so much harder to do. I answered and he asked if I was ok and chatted about his work. Then there was silence so i said I had better go.
I know i should not be so accommodating, but I care. I've not reached out to him, he has called me and I know it is probably just to ease his own conscience.
I have not been stalking him - not at all, no phone or emails - i still don't know why I drove in the direction I did, but I am glad I did. At least now I know that he has lied to me and I know that no matter what I was doing this was inevitable.
I'm no longer trying to understand him, I cant, I cant make sense of this situation and how it has come about so quickly. I can't believe how quickly this has all happened.
Today is another day. I just have to try and get through it.
Honey, I feel for you. I've been there. I am not getting on your case to annoy you. I would just love for you to reach this wonderful place of serenity sooner than I have. It really took me almost 2 years to get to the point where I am at.
You will cycle, your mood will cycle, but it does get better. You have to have the fact that your husband is on his mission, a mission that does not involve you. No, you cannot help him, and no, your "love" will not save him and no amount of begging, pleading and reasoning will work. I am sure you will try, but you will fail and it will make you spin further.
In a nutshell, let him be, focus on you.
Thank you Vapo - I know you are helping. I am trying very hard to focus on me.
I am going to the gym after work, I am making nights out with friends, I have plans for my weekend - but its when I come home to our house - the house that was our home that I feel broken.
Its when I see a message come through on my phone and its not from him.
Its when I wake up and I am alone.
Its also, I'm doing these fun things with my friends and I have no-one to share it with. No one to build dreams with.
I know I can have dreams by myself and I dream that I will find happiness. I'm at a low today, was stronger yesterday, just really struggling with reality.
No worries hun, as I said, you will cycle. You have to come to the spot where you are happy by yourself and you have to come to the conclusion that happiness lies inside you and no other person can make you happy.
When I felt bad, I found that physical excercise helped me. Helped heaps.
In any case, you are not alone, on these boards you will always find a helping soul and a shoulder to cry on. We here have been through the hell you are going through, so we understand you. I would venture to say that people around you do not understand...
So the H has called a couple of times today - it's almost impossible to not answer as with him living elsewhere, we have arrangements for who is sorting the dogs out. I had asked him the other day when we spoke to do the dogs tonight as I have to go to a board meeting which will go on late - he agreed. The first phone call was not great. He had said he could do the dogs before the gym - I said after would be better. He sighed and said, OK no problem - I then had to dig and said - "well it's not exactly out of your way, your new home is only 200m up the damn road" He retorted that its not his new home - I said, well actually it is - please do the dogs after the gym. He agreed.
2nd call was to say that he is going to be at work late, but will still do the dogs. He chatted a bit about work, I showed interest, but didn't get involved with my opinion.
He then asked if I was OK. Part of me wanted to SCREAM NO I AM FAR FROM OK - IM DYING on the inside but I went with the answer of I'm ok, how are you? He said he was fine (no surprise there as he seems perfectly fine.)
He then added - I just wanted to check you are ok as I don't like to hurt you. I said whats been done has been done...... anyhow, I have to get going now. Good Bye.
I really felt like saying IF YOU DONT WANT TO HURT ME WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN telling me that i have grabbed the wrong end of the stick and that there is nothing going on. Do I look stupid - maybe just maybe nothing is going on, but YOU LIED and now I can't believe you.
It's so hard being a bit flippant on the phone, trying to keep my voice light and to stop it from cracking with tears - but I am trying.
I'm struggling today, as I know it is over - I want to accept it, but there is a small crumb of my heart that keeps whispering that maybe he didn't mean it ,when he said he'd made his mind up, maybe he didn't mean it when he said we are over.......... But then he calls and I talk to him and he seems over us already - 100% OK.
How have I been so easy to toss away? Why doesn't he miss me? Every phone call is a reminder that we used to laugh and catch up and end it with Love you...... My world has crashed and burned and is changed forever more and its happened and warp speed......Shoot sorry - like I said today is a real down day....
It's not you, it's him. Do not go on mind reading.
So today is another new day, another day where yes I am alone, but I do feel a bit stronger.
So we have a plan that he will come back to the house and walk the dogs in the morning as I leave for work very early.
I get to work and he calls - Do i have to do the dogs this morning - Ummmm Yes was my reply. He then asked if I am ok. Over the last couple of days I have been saying I am fine, but today I said I think you know the answer to that.
He went quiet and said he knows but he hates hurting me. I said you did when you ended it, but you twisted the knife when you moved in with her. He told me I can spin things any way I want, she was just a temporary room mate.
I said ok - its just disappointing that you cannot see it from any other perspective but your own.
I then said I needed to go.
I know I should not say these things to him - but I am not chasing, I am not initiating contact and honestly I am tired of telling him that I am ok. I am somewhat OK, but considering he shouted that we were finished and then moved in with another woman - what does he expect???
Why does he keep asking something which he knows the answer to?
I am trying to "go dark" and not respond but like i said, i need to answer calls as like this morning he may not have gone and fed and walked the dogs if I hadn't have answered.
Am also trying to cancel and recoup money from our holiday which we were meant to be going on in 9 days. Am losing a fortune on the flights, lost half the fee on the hotel - and he has left it all to me.
AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - just needed a rant! Anyone have answers to my questions, please feel free.
Why does he keep asking something which he knows the answer to?
This one is easy. To appease his guilt.
You did well in that exchange. Next time when he asks you are you OK just don't answer him. It will be extremely hard not to get angry with him in the exchanges you will have with him. Try not to show your anger.
I am trying really hard not to be angry - I am trying to keep my voice light and my tone soft. I am trying to sound OK, which today I sort of am, but I don't think it is fair for him to think that; OK shes OK with my actions because I am not.
As it stands, I have no idea if or when he will be coming back to the house and I don't know if I should even ask. He's the one that said he is staying away temporarily (he corrected me when I said he had moved out and he said he hadn't - ummmmm you took all your stuff so I'm really confused by this)
I am going to go away in 9 days as planned as it was for a friends wedding ([censored] for me I know and we were both supposed to be in the Bridal party, but i'm not letting a friend down.) I need to know if he will be living in the house and taking care of our responsibilities, like the house itself and the dogs.
Today is an ANGRY day - don't think I did depression as I'm not a stay in bed all day kind of person, defo did denial thinking we could fix it and sad to say, certainly did bargaining, as I begged him to give our marriage a chance....... Feel like i will now float between Anger and Acceptance with a hint of denial raising its ugly head from time to time.
So much for "better or worse"................
I then had to dig and said - "well it's not exactly out of your way, your new home is only 200m up the damn road"
It's so hard being a bit flippant on the phone, trying to keep my voice light and to stop it from cracking with tears - but I am trying.
If you cant control yourself, maybe it's time to stop talking by phone. Set up a schedule to take care of the dogs, and then go on with it. Say that if theres an issue, you would rather text or email as it's more convenient for you.
Stop taking 'digs'. They are certainly not making you look attractive. And I guarantee that he is just rolling his eyes about them.
He then asked if I was OK. Part of me wanted to SCREAM NO I AM FAR FROM OK - IM DYING on the inside but I went with the answer of I'm ok, how are you? He said he was fine (no surprise there as he seems perfectly fine.)
Next time, just say you don't have time to chat right now. Theres no point in answering the question as there is no answer that is satisfactory. If you aren't ok, then hell be upset and if you are ok, then hell be upset. Its time to do a 180. What you are doing ISNT WORKING.
I'm struggling today, as I know it is over - I want to accept it, but there is a small crumb of my heart that keeps whispering that maybe he didn't mean it ,when he said he'd made his mind up, maybe he didn't mean it when he said we are over.......... But then he calls and I talk to him and he seems over us already - 100% OK.
I 100% promise you this: he is not going to come back to the same marriage that he had. It doesn't matter what he is doing now, the onus is on YOU to be the one to stand up for your marriage.
And do you know what the best thing you can do for your marriage is? BECOME THE BEST YOU THAT YOU CAN. Go out and become a part of the community. The gym is good, but its isolating. Its time to meet some people and make YOUR OWN friends. Yeah, I know. Its hard. REALLY hard. It's the last thing you want to do right now. Ive been there. And it is the thing that saved me from some pretty dark things.
How have I been so easy to toss away? Why doesn't he miss me? Every phone call is a reminder that we used to laugh and catch up and end it with Love you......
Because this isn't about you. Its about HIM. Think of it like he started doing drugs. The affair is doing the same things to his brain as a drug would do. You are standing in between him and his next high. And you know what telling a drug addict to stop does? Makes them shut you out. So the best thing that you can do right now is to stand yup on your own two feet. Take him out of the center of your world and put yourself there. If he never came back, what would you want out of your life?
You know what is scariest - I have no idea what I want out of life - none. I thought I had my life ahead of me - we had planned for the future, talked about retirement dreams - its all gone. I know I want to be happy, I just cant seem to see a way to happiness right now.
He called yet again to tell me he had cancelled going to the gym so that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I appreciate the sentiment. He said that he was getting his haircut tomorrow - I asked what time and the first thing he said was that he could reschedule if it clashes with me - he really doesn't want to see me..... not at all.
I said not to worry as my appointment is late. I told him that I am going to seek some legal advice next week (i feel i need to do something to get some control in my life) and he said he understood.
I said that once we go down this path, there really is no going back and asked if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said, right now he wants a divorce.
I know I keep hashing over the same things - analyzing what he says and I know his actions don't match up to his words - apparently he cares, but he's not here, his living elsewhere.....
I am GAL - the gym is a group thing so it is quite social and tonight I am going to go salsa dancing - but it doesn't change the fact that when i go home, i'm alone and have no-one to tell about my fun times......
Having a very low moment................
You know what is scariest - I have no idea what I want out of life - none.
Thats ok. You dont need to know where you will be 5 years from now. How about listing 5 things youd like to do before the end of May?
I know I want to be happy, I just cant seem to see a way to happiness right now.
There are two TED talks that I love. One is by Amy Cuddy and the other is by Shawn Achor. Both are about happiness. I highly recommend them. Theres another by a guy named Traver Boehm (he goes by the username PigPen from his time here!) thats also great. Start here.
I told him that I am going to seek some legal advice next week
Thats great that you are getting legal advice. WHY ARE YOU TELLING HIM? Right now, he is not on your team. You need to be pulling back as far as you can. Dont ask 'what time his haircut is'....who cares?? Dont tell him youre seeing a lawyer, just DO IT.
I said that once we go down this path, there really is no going back and asked if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said, right now he wants a divorce.
why did you say this?
I am GAL - the gym is a group thing so it is quite social and tonight I am going to go salsa dancing - but it doesn't change the fact that when i go home, i'm alone and have no-one to tell about my fun times......
So you need to have someone at home to feel fulfilled? Just enjoy the fun while youre out. Talk to your dogs if you need to. You have to learn to be happy on your own before theres any chance that any relationship will be successful.
Someone told me when I got here originally that one of the best thngs I could do is to 'date myself'. How can you ry to frame your thoughts in that way?
By the way, have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, then you really should!!!!
Hi Kaizen, I will watch the TED talks - I just am experiencing extreme moments of strength followed by such deep lows - i'm struggling to get momentum.
I don't know why I told him I am going to seek legal advice... I don't know, maybe I thought that he may think that this is very real and may think harder about things..... I don't know. I don't know why I asked if he is sure this is what he wants - maybe because at his moment in time I can see a way forward where we can work things out and I am so scared of time passing us by and then waking up and one day it being too late for the both of us.
The marriage wasn't perfect for me either - I would not want to go back into the same thing. I wasn't a priority, our marriage wasn't a priority and him throwing this at me has made me realize this - but he was equally to blame in doing nothing.
The difference is, at times in the past - I had written him letters about why I wasn't happy - he didn't communicate that to me. I asked him why he never said anything and he said he knows he should have, but he didn't - its how he deals with things and he knows thats on him. I said maybe if he had just let go, shouted and said what was affecting him things would be different and he agreed.
Everything is happening so fast - in less that 2 months everything is different, changed to a point where its unrecognizable. I've been looking at finances today and trying to figure out if I will be able to keep my home when he leaves. Financially this will ruin us.
I'm terrified of what the future may bring..... i know it can be exciting, but right now I just cant find any positivity.
Its not even that I need someone at home to feel fulfilled. I come home and my dogs are pleased to see me. I sit down, I relax and its the silence. I used to like the silence, those moments in all the chaos, but these moments are now forced on me. I look to where he would be normally and its a void. I'm struggling with the fact that someone can tell you they love you one minutes and within 24 hours walk away from you like you never existed. Like i said, I'm having a very low afternoon.
Am going to leave work and take my dogs for a walk, go to the gym, then go salsa - then hopefully sleep.........
Island,
My dog has seen more walks in the last two months than she has in the last 6 months for sure. It's a great way to think and enjoy everyone's best friend(s).
It's ok if you can't find your positive self these days. Just keep digging and you will. My sitch was directly caused by not venting and dealing with things directly. We all do this, but for us LBS it's so hard to understand why now there's no time to fix.
What if we'd done this or what if we talked about that. You're terrified of what lies for you in the future and that's understandable. Your living in the past and future and forgetting about what you can do today for Island.
Worrying about regrets from the past and anxiety in the future makes us miss what we can do today for ourselves. It takes courage to do it, but you'll steadily find that it's better than not.
All the best.
Thank you. Got home from work and just had a huge sob and cry. Don't really know why.
I had to txt him and ask if he'd walked the dogs. He said yes, but sadly I know this is just another lie as I left the leashes in a certain way and they haven't moved. It's sad that I had to do that- it sadder that he lied about it.
The haircut thing is funny. He knew I was booked in for tomorrow, that's why I asked him what time his appointment was but then he just offered to switch it - it's like an underhanded way of telling me I don't want to SEE you. It's also sad for me because since moving here, it's the first time in 7.5 years that he's not asked me to cut his hair - pathetic I know, but it's these little things I miss so terribly.
I'm going to try a pull myself together if only for a few hours this afternoon.
Best go for a walk before the rain comes.
Can you schedule it so that you don't need him to come and walk the dogs?
I think you need to be in as little contact with him as possible.
All it's doing is hurting you.
I know what you are saying. Part of me thinks it would be easier with absolutely no contact, but i miss him sooooo much. I know I am not the only person out there in this situation who is feeling this pain, but this is too much.
I know I need to un-attach myself from needing him, I just didn't realize how much I loved having him in my life and now he is gone...... why is it always that way?
I sit here and wonder if he misses anything about me, our life together and its killing me.
I don't know why i'm so bad today..... I started off the day feeling quite strong and its just got worse and worse.
I think looking through the financials and trying to see where we are has gotten to me... looking at all we have accumulated over the years together. He doesn't seem to be doing anything - just telling me that he wants a divorce. He hasn't spoken with me about a separation - as in how long he is planning on being away - he just says its temporary. Does he want to do a period of separation and then file? Does he just want to get down to the nitty gritty and file????
Its his birthday next weekend - we were supposed to be going away to Miami for a few days to celebrate and I have been trying to cancel and recoup what little i could. Do I even wish him a happy birthday??? It kills me to know that he will go out somewhere on this island and have a blast - which is his right- it is his birthday, but I won't be part of it - when all I want to do is celebrate with him and hug him.
I know I sound pathetic at the moment - i feel it, and the intelligent part of me is screaming to pull myself together, but I just don't have it in me at the moment.
Today everything [censored].............
Be as pathetic as you want on this board. Cry your heart out to us. We're all going through similar experiences and can relate.
BUT DON'T LET HIM SEE THIS SIDE OF YOU.
Disengage from him. Schedule someone to take care of the dogs, and then stop being available every time he calls or texts.
Think less, do more.
So I went to salsa tonight. Had so much fun and met new people. The night was going great and then a mutual friend of mine and the H arrived. She barraged me with questions - how is he, how's his job (she used to work with him), aren't you guys heading off soon to the uk. Just relentless questions. How am I supposed to answer???
Do I say we are separated or do I lie and say he's really busy??? Kinda ended my night on a low.
I blurted out that we have separated - I just couldn't take it. I've messaged her and said she took me off guard, but that we're keeping quiet and would appreciate her discretion.
How am I to handle this going forward? Any advice on this? I don't want to scupper any chance of reconciliation if he gets defensive by everyone knowing, but am I supposed to lie???
it is tough to announce a separation or divorce. the only suggestion i have is that at least at times I leave the awkward questions and accountability to the departing spouse as it really is a consequence to their decision, not yours. the challenge is doing so without getting 100 questions in return from your friend. it helps to let them defend themselves for their actions without them feeling you cornered them, leading to an argument/set back
perhaps, when she asked how is he and hows his job, you may have politely said its best to ask him
as for your enjoyable night, you deserved every minute of it, bask in it, celebrate it, and do it again - live life
So today - the weather is mirroring me - just tipping it down, grey and gloomy.
Its the weekend, no plans for tonight although am going to get my hair done, but have some things here and there over the next couple of days to keep me busy.
He called this morning. I didn't answer. So much harder than I thought it would be. I've left it a few hours and have texted to say that I saw a missed call and is all OK?
Should I have done that or just left it completely? Do I just never pick up the phone again to him??? I'm really no good at games - always been an open book with my heart on my sleeve.....
On a plus, i do feel calmer today, sad, but calm.
its ok to respond, just not immediately. You responded as you should
had you responded immediately he would have thought you were at his beck and call with no life to draw his interest
Island,
I had a hard time at first too, with whether to answer a call or text, even though he was cold and distant, and the contact was only about day to day stuff that had to be addressed. It was so hard to hear his voice and/or tone so cold like that. But part of me was afraid NOT to answer. I wish now that I had had a little more courage to not be afraid to let it go and keep a little more distance. Someone said on here (I think Blu or 25, maybe both!) that looking back, they spent WAY too much time wondering what he was doing or if he was going to call, etc., and ultimately all that looking back wasn't what brought him back anyway. Lots of wasted energy and emotion spent thinking about him, that could have been used on just healing yourself. I agree 100%. My H didn't show one bit of interest until I appeared to stop caring and building a life for myself that did not include him. I worried that he would not see that I was doing that, which let me know I wasn't doing it for me. So that's what I worked on the most- making sure I wasn't doing it to get him back. Of course we all hope that happens, otherwise we wouldn't be on this forum, but that can't be the focus or the only reason. We have to detach ourselves from the outcome of our situation, and really start to dig and find what makes us happy, with our without a mate. The more you read people's stories on here, as they move through sometimes years of this, is that you begin to see a pattern emerge, and that is they start to re-discover those things about themselves that made them attractive to begin with-and that starts to change the whole "I can't live without him" mentality. You can do this! Do one thing today that makes you happy. Then tomorrow do one thing.
If he needs to contact you and it is an emergency, he will keep trying until he gets you. Try not to find excuses of why you HAVE to answer his call or text. The less you hear from him right now, the easier it will be to begin to be OK not hearing from him, if that makes sense. Hang in there. You can do this!
Courage comes with time. Pleasant distractions help. My journey has seen its share of challenges so far. For me, finding things I enjoy lets me disconnect from it all and recharge
a good read for you may be the posts on pursuit and distance. If need be I can assist in trying to find them. It sure sounds as though he pursues (even a little) when you distance
Thanks guys.
So yesterday I went and had my hair done. Over the course of the day I had many calls from him but hadn't answered. I called him on my way home from the hairdressers as it was late and I just wanted to check he had remembered to do the dogs.
The call was really pleasant. We just chatted - he said he didn't like his haircut and asked how mine was - just chit chat. Things seemed to be ok enough that I asked if we could meet to discuss finances. He is living in another womans house - still professing that he is in the spare room - but that is not going to be for free.
He said he knows we need to but didn't commit to a day or time. We talked about our status - what are we. Are we husband and wife, are we separated - what are we? He said he believes we are separated/ having a time out. I mentioned that most people talk during separation to decide what the separation is for - is it with the idea to fix and reconcile or is it to divorce. He said he had never mentioned the "d" word and just needs space.
I left the conversation feeling positive. Went and saw a friend, had some pizza. During the conversation he had said he was going out with a couple of guys for his mates birthday - on my way home he was at the usual place (i saw his car) and I know that all the girls are there too. I told myself not to let it change my mood - he is allowed to go out and have fun.
I still felt fine when I came home. Went to bed. I am waking up at just gone 4 these days - just seems to be auto. When I woke - about 430, there was a missed call from him (4am) and a txt message to say that he had accidentally had called me and had hoped he didn't wake me.
There was also a voicemail. It was just him and the woman he is living with chatting - that broke me. Just hearing his voice, being out with someone - not me. Why wasn't I the girl who would stay out and have fun?
He had told me that he was on a course today starting at 9am. When I eventually got up and went into the living room, one of our dogs had been violently ill. I tried to call him as my car isn't suitable for the dogs and I would need his car to take her to the vets. No answer. I imagine going home at 4 means he's hanging and probably lying about the course.
About an hr later my dog had a seizure. I tried calling him again - nothing.
I went to go and get some meds from the vets as I couldn't take her and his car was where he left it at the bar, so a least he didn't drive last night. But i also know he is probably just sleeping off his sore head.
I realized in that moment, whilst our dog was ill that he has washed his hands of me - of all the responsibility that goes with marriage - our home, our pets, me.
I wish I could find some inner strength - i find moments, but they are fleeting. I can't wrap my head around how a man can tell you he loves you Monday, be confused Tuesday, Its over Wednesday and moved out by Thursday........... I just can't seem to pull myself together.
I have something to go and do this morning, but then I'll be doing the housework and all the stuff that we used to share responsibility doing.
His responsibility now seems to lie in another house and other people......... F##k me I do not know that I can do this - i don't think he would bat an eyelid if i wasn't even here.....
its tough, it seems your husband is lost and on a timeline beyond his current control. The challenge is not to hang on his actions but to take control of your own. Find activities which are about you with no attachment to him. It gives short term peace and allows you to get away from the stress of wondering why. Its tough but don't over think his actions, as it will take a lot of time. You may see baby steps forward and then steps back from him. Perserverence is key.
By the way I didn't think i could do this either, and there may very well come a day when I decide Ive done all i can, but for me, i need to know Ive done all I can.
Early on I sought counselling, which helped to have such support. Seek non-judgemental support, read, find things to do that you've always wanted to do and always know there are many many people going through what you are
So yesterday I had enough. I called him mid afternoon and told him he needed to stay in the house as I was going out and staying out - the dog was sick again and I needed a break.
He said well i was planning on going to a restaurant..... I said - you'd have to go home at some point and you're only up the road so what difference does it make. He then told me that I had "Sprung" it on him - Ummmm excuse me, I've sprung you having to look after YOUR pets on you??????........ You have SPRUNG all of this on me!!!! He did say I had a valid point.
I left at 3.
Had a lovely evening with my friend - she, about 2 years ago went through the same thing.... but because it was the 2nd time for her, she is now divorcing; so we sat, drunk, chatted about life and it was so nice.
Got up and me and her went for a beach walk and then I decided it was time to come home. He's still asleep.
We are going to talk about next steps today...... am not sure how to broach the subject. Do i ask if we are separating on a semi perm basis, do I ask if we are looking to work on the marriage or are we separating with the aim to divorce?
I have no idea how to talk to him anymore...... it's like we have gone from being best friends to complete strangers.
I don't want the conversation to escalate - and I am feeling emotionally OK to not get mushy and break down, but I just don't know what we discuss or how to go about it. I suppose I just want to know if he wants to leave me or does he want to take things slowly and work on it........ Anyone got any advice????
One of the hardest parts of this all is the limbo state. To break that feeling, keep doing as your doing by enjoying the company of good friends. Its also tough to accept that logical conversations aren't likely. I will caution that often support provides insight based on their own experiences and could inadvertently inflect their own biases.
it somewhat appears that your husband may be experiencing a MLC (by the way, never ever tell him that). In which case relationship talk, unless initiated by the departing spouse is usually discouraged as it is said to only push them away further. However, it is important to define boundaries in a non confrontational manner. Boundaries should be boundaries of respect and not a list of wants. Such boundaries may include matters of money, shared responsibilities (such as your sick dog) and mutual respect (but at its very core). Dont have a long list of boundaries. As well be sure not to refer to them as boundaries. Rather have the conversation about ongoing respect.
The conversation should be more of you listening than talking and in a calm non accusing tone.It could begin with, although I believe our relationship can be successful, I respect your decision, with that in mind lets discuss how we can maintain ongoing respect. If the conversation goes bad and you are unsure how to extinguish the escalation, going quiet is better than engaging in an argument
You will not get the big picture answers you speak of if in fact he is having a MLC. Therefore I would only go as far as a discussion of respect (boundaries) - short and to the point
a word of caution; if you are struggling with what to say or how to control emotions, it may be best to hold off on the conversation until you have a a clear plan
I called him on my way home from the hairdressers as it was late and I just wanted to check he had remembered to do the dogs.
Next time, if he doesnt leave a message, it isnt important. You dont need to call him back.
We just chatted - he said he didn't like his haircut and asked how mine was - just chit chat.
But, like, hes like in another womans house. Why are you just chit-chatting?
We talked about our status - what are we. Are we husband and wife, are we separated - what are we? He said he believes we are separated/ having a time out. I mentioned that most people talk during separation to decide what the separation is for - is it with the idea to fix and reconcile or is it to divorce. He said he had never mentioned the "d" word and just needs space.
Youve got to stop talking about this kind of stuff. He doesnt know right now. Hes living with another woman! But Im sure he doesnt know if its going to work, so he will likely say whatever to keep you around as a plan B safety net. If you dont believe what hes saying anyway, whats the point in having the discussion?
on my way home he was at the usual place (i saw his car) and I know that all the girls are there too. I told myself not to let it change my mood - he is allowed to go out and have fun.
What do you mean by 'allowed'?
I realized in that moment, whilst our dog was ill that he has washed his hands of me - of all the responsibility that goes with marriage - our home, our pets, me.
YES. So far now, stop trying to reel him back in. It is only coming off as controlling and pursuing. Stop saying he needs to take care of this or that. Youre a grown woman with more strength than you know. You can figure out how to deal with the dogs without him.
That said, if he IS going to be ou of the house, you need to figure out the finances and get it documented. Who is paying for what? Have you seen a lawyer yet to understand if there is some kind of support you would receive?
I can't wrap my head around how a man can tell you he loves you Monday, be confused Tuesday, Its over Wednesday and moved out by Thursday........... I just can't seem to pull myself together.
Nope. So stop trying.
i don't think he would bat an eyelid if i wasn't even here.....
Nope. He wouldnt. Now what?
Island, everyone's story is a little different, but there are a lot of similarities. One thing that has helped me out is perusing other people's threads. A lot of that advice is suitable for my situation, it helps me feel like I'm not alone, giving some advice makes me feel somewhat in control of myself, like maybe my story could help someone else, and it validates my own feelings of hurt and disappointment. I don't know if you do it, but maybe that would help you, too.
Island,
he is gaslighting you. DO NOT believe ANYTHING what he says.
Thank you guys. I do have moments of strength, but sadly they are outweighed by the overwhelming need to ball my eyes out - sometimes I don't even know why i am crying anymore.
So the conversation....... I let him start it.... He opened with, well we will need to sell the house. Talk about boom straight to the point. What happened to needing space, taking time?
He said, and repeated multiple times that he is just using the other woman's spare room - they are room mates, no more. I said if all you are doing is spending time in the room, we have 2 spare rooms - we can't actually afford another rent. He said he didn't like being in the house with the memories - it didn't allow him to think. I pointed out that he has probably felt like this for some time, I am the one who this has been sprung on and yet I am having to live with the memories.
The conversation continued, defining that we are separated, but he didn't want to define what the rules/guidelines/boundaries were. We took a step back and he said we are at a X road but he has made his mind up that things can not work out between us.
I am travelling back to the Uk next week - he said he would move back in whilst I am away. Its a holiday we were supposed to have together - in fact I am on the phone now trying to cancel his BA ticket. His parents will be at my family home as we were all due to be at a wedding - this is going to be so hard.
He said he wants us to be friends - I said that isn't a marriage between 2 friends? How can we be friends if we can't communicate?
I KNOW that i need to keep my mouth shut - I know I am saying all the wrong things and doing all the wrong things, but (and I know it is useless trying) I am trying to understand why. He tells me it is nothing that I have done, but it doesn't feel that way.
Before he left he asked when we were going to counselling as a couple - i gave him the date although I am now wondering what the point is.
I know I need to stop, I know i need to quit asking the wrong questions, I know this is done, I just don't know how to let go.... I want to let go of him the way he has let go of me.
Guys I have read pretty much every thread on here - and when reading them I feel so strong - I just fail at putting things into practise..............
So I just did something even more stupid than I normally would. I went into his emails. He was supposed to be away this weekend with a group of people from work including the woman he is living with (according to him in the spare room) He at the last minute was replaced by another member of staff.
There was supposed to be a big dinner with everyone, but when I checked his deleted items, she had messaged him to his personal email with an open table cancellation for 2 people. How have I been so gullible. I wanted so much to believe he wouldnt be lying to me.
Some group dinner just the 2 of them - I'm devastated - Why won't he just be honest with me and tell me that he's having an affair.
I just want the truth - i want him to tell me so i can hate him and move on......
Island, it sounds like you already know the truth. I know you want a sense of closure, but my experience is that only exists in Hollywood movies. You need to let plural "you" go, and work on single "you." But I know it's easier said than done.
Again for the n-th time, do not expect truth from him. You have to detach. Relying on him for anything will just add to your pain...
Sometimes, you just need to keep touching the stove to learn that it's hot.
But no, don't believe a word.
very wise comment Jim, I may just have to share mine as well
So its been a few days - they have been very emotional.
We have spoken a few times this week - he calls, i don't initiate. We had couples counseling on Friday. He said he needs time to figure out if he wants to be in a relationship or be single - he just doesn't know. Saturday was his birthday. He asked if I wanted to go to lunch with him. I said it would be nice, but what about drinks in the evening? He said he didn't want me there. That hurt, so I said i'd think about lunch.
Fri eve I had a work function, he called to tell me to have fun and that he would call me on Sat re lunch. He asked what i would be doing the evening and I said I had made plans to go out with some friends as I would miss him on his birthday. He wanted to know where I was going so I just said out. He then said well I am going to (name of place) - i so happened to be the same place. Part of me thought to say nothing, but I thought no tell him. I said well that is where everyone is going so you may need to rethink.
So out I go for my works do. It was fun. Admittedly I drank way too much, but it was soooo good to be carefree for a bit. We went to a few different places and ended up in a club. I went outside with a friend for a cigarette. About 2 minutes later (around 2 am) my H and OW walked out onto the balcony. I walked over to them - they didn't see me. My friend said I just stood there - as soon as the OW saw me, she ran...... I looked at my H and told he to F himself, before walking away in floods of tears.
He followed me but my friend told him to leave. Sat morning he called me. He told me I verbally berated the OW and she was scared to leave the house. He said she is innocent in all of this as there is nothing going on and he is angry with me and doesn't want to go for lunch anymore. I had ruined his birthday.
I said to him my friend told me what had happened - I had drunk a bit too much but her story was very different. I said it hurts to know he is more concerned with the feelings of the OW rather than his wife.
I went out that evening and met my friends. There were a few other people i know - some whom he works with. They were all quite chatty and nice - said rumors have been flying around his work of him seeing someone within the company..... that he is living with another person - all stuff i knew already. Some said he had changed at work too in not a nice way.
I know in my heart he is most probably having an affair - but not conclusively. Why won't he just admit it? I sent the OW a message to say that woman to woman I hope she can understand why I acted the way i did, but my intent was not to be mean - she has read it, but not responded. I asked that they be honest with me and save me any humiliation if there is something going on - no answer. If that were me, I would want to ensure that people knew there was nothing going on especially if there is nothing going on, so her silence speaks quite loudly.
I fly off to the UK tomorrow. I feel that when i return it will be divorce. No longer are there just communication issues to resolve, but now I don't trust him. He is not the man i thought he was - he seems to only think about himself and hopes the lies keep that false facade. I think, as much as I love him, I don't like who he has become.
I did realize on a positive, that I have more friends than i thought.
Why are you doing this to yourself? If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it sure as hell ain't no fcucking crocodile...
So here I am at Miami airpot.
My sunday was not awesome - I saw him walking down the beach with her. It broke my heart - the last image ingrained into my mind is that.
He came over to the house - we had an almighty row. I said to him, I don't think he realized how much he has hurt and destroyed me.
He apologized.
Today he said he wanted to take me to the airport. We got there - probably the hardest thing i've ever had to do.
Just before security, he hugged me harder than he has in forever. He said he was sorry for all the pain he has caused me, but needed me to know that he has always been faithful and that there is nothing going on. I didn't cry - i surprised myself that I didn't fall apart. He kissed me on my cheek. He told me to use the time to think - I said the same to him.
I'm sat here now in MIA airport with tears in my eyes - it wasn't a see you later - it was a good bye. I need to spend the next few weeks preparing myself for divorce - preparing my heart. He says he will think about everything whilst i'm away, I can only wish; wish that he misses me, wish that he sees that maybe this was the path we needed to take to make our marriage better - but my life is not a Disney movie.........
Why is life so cruel. I know there are some of you that wonder why i am doing this to myself - I can't help who i love, i wish to god i could, but i can't. Maybe the time away will help me get some perspective.
It might just be me, but it seems you need to set some boundaries and stick to them. Don't let him take you to the airport, don't let him hug you, don't let him kiss you on the cheek. Just my $ .02
I have two questions I want you to really consider.
1) if he were to come rushing home right now, how would you be different? How would the marriage be different?
2) does he have any fear at all that he might lose you?
Hi - If he were to come home - I don't know how things would be different, surely we would need to actually sit down and talk about the issues we have with each other and look at ways to improve.
I know I need to set boundaries, but its hard when I want those hugs too - I am facing the very real reality that one of them may be the last hugs I get.
I don't think he fears of losing me, i don't think he cares if he loses me - his new exciting life of clubbing and partying and staying out without any cares seems to tip the scale away from marriage. I got one last text from him just moments after I sent my last post and b4 leaving Miami - he said, he still loves me.....
I have not contacted him since being back in the UK today - he did ask that i message him to let him know i got here ok, but I know i will want more than a one line response and it hurts when i don't get one. I know I can't control him, his feelings all i can do is try and be OK.
Its been awkward in the house - his mum and dad are here - they gave me such big hugs when i got home. No-one has spoken about it or asked anything yet - I haven't broken down yet...... Maybe this time apart will be what I need to figure out what lies ahead.