Future is looking hopeful?? - DivorceBusting.com

New Thread time...

Old one: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2707896#Post2707896

A quick recap of my sich - a little over a year to the month when I first discovered the A and almost a year to when she moved out. Over the Dec. Holidays W brought up the R talk and we have since been trying to reconnect but she's non-committal at this point in time... Right now we are working at being better friends and we'll see where things end up.

My latest thread post has gotten quite a lot of interest around the varied approaches discussed on this forum, re-quoting as I thought it would be interesting to continue the conversation here on a new thread:

I've been pondering something the last couple of days around approach. There seems to be two very distinct approaches discussed in this forum:

1) Tough Love with boundaries
2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat

It's often said on here that the approach and way you go about it varies by sich, your wife etc. and I think there is room for both approaches in this forum depending on your W and how you were pre BD...

Thoughts on the below:

1) Tough love with boundaries
- If your W is flashing the A in your face
- She is not showing any shame/remorse
- She is public about her separation and/or A
- If there is abuse
- If you were a H with little to no backbone prior to BD
- If she's clearly on her way to filing for D
- Where you are both being harmful to each other
- If she's being careless financially
- If she's showing no signs of wanting to work with you on parenting/finances etc.
- If she's not sharing her parental responsibilities

2) Treat them like a friend with a fine line of not being a doormat
- If you were overly controlling pre-BD
- If your W seems clearly confused but is not aggressive towards you
- If at one point you were both convicted or strong in faith
- If she shows a lot of shame and is still being secretive about her lifestyle
- She hasn't been public about the S, is trying to hide it or not address it
- She's willing to work with you on custody, responsibilities and finances
- She's seeking help on her own (ie IC)
- She acknowledges some of the responsibility of the M downfall
- She's not proceeding with D

In both approaches we need to focus on self-improvement and GAL, but the interactions with W differ slightly from being cold and distant to warm and open.

Struggling today with images and thoughts of them together... even though I know the A is fading, I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to get past the betrayal and accept this as part of our M history.

On a different note, I have been reading a lot about MLC stages, Touch-n-Goes & Reconnection which is I believe where we are now and how I can "pave the way" for the path back to R. The biggest thing is to be patient, not pushy and more or less let W drive the process. Hard to do for someone that was once "controlling" ;-)

The images and thoughts get better with time. Not sure about the betrayal itself. I certainly hope so. But it tears at the very fabric a marriage is built on and destroys the basic assumptions you have of your partner: that they will respect you, honor their vows, not lie, and not stray.

I'm struggling with patience as well. I think men naturally want to fix things and come up with solutions. It's a frustrating thing to know you need to sit back and let the situation ride out on its own. As a fellow accused controller, it's a delicate balance of not being pushy while also being strong and assertive so you're respected.

Quote:

The images and thoughts get better with time. Not sure about the betrayal itself. I certainly hope so. But it tears at the very fabric a marriage is built on and destroys the basic assumptions you have of your partner: that they will respect you, honor their vows, not lie, and not stray.

They do. What has been seen can't be unseen, though. You are correct, it more than tears at the very fabric. Betrayal destroys every single thing...and when trust is broken, what do you have?

Michele Weiner-Davis says that couples can get past infidelity, and that "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't true.

Thanks for the encouragement - yes what has been seen can't be unseen which is why I'm glad I never snooped with video/voice/photos... I'll only have to go by what my W tell's me and what I ask her when/if that time comes. That said, it's hard not to let the imagination run wild.... especially when I saw enough circumstantial stuff to lead the imagination there...

I do think that once you have been through this kind of devastation and prolong separation it really does curb one from doing it again. I'd imagine that where repeat occurrences do happen, it's probably in the R's that healed too quickly after the A and the significance of the betrayal was never really felt by both parties.

Originally Posted By: PacLove

I do think that once you have been through this kind of devastation and prolong separation it really does curb one from doing it again. I'd imagine that where repeat occurrences do happen, it's probably in the R's that healed too quickly after the A and the significance of the betrayal was never really felt by both parties.

I think so, too. It's an extremely hard life lesson for the unfaithful spouse once they come out on the other side of it. My W is genuinely seeing the hurt she caused me from her betrayal and I do believe even in these early stages she'd never have an affair again, whether it's with me or in her next relationship. Once a cheater, always a cheater definitely doesn't always apply.

The resentment you go through over knowing they had to do so much damage in order to learn something that is so obvious to a faithful spouse is a topic for another discussion.

People think that because there's a saying to backup an idea, that the saying actually backs up the idea.

Originally Posted By: brizz

I think so, too. It's an extremely hard life lesson for the unfaithful spouse once they come out on the other side of it. My W is genuinely seeing the hurt she caused me from her betrayal and I do believe even in these early stages she'd never have an affair again, whether it's with me or in her next relationship. Once a cheater, always a cheater definitely doesn't always apply.

Agreed hard life lessons - whether an A or other, people learn when they hit rock bottom and almost lose everything...

Pac,
Just dropping in to wish you well. Your first post on the two approaches is spot on. That should help many people. Hang in there!

There's a lot of info out there on MLC and I believe that is really where W is... she seems to be wanting to make efforts to improve herself and has talked about it. We seem to be in "re-connection" phase, but she could also be in replay. I'm leaning towards re-connection as she's starting to do things for us again and wanting to spend family time together.

Despite her saying A is over, and I think it probably was - I have reason to believe she may be casually seeing him again. Perhaps friends with benefits or touch-n-gos with him. I'm leaning towards ignoring it as she doesn't know I know and am guessing it's lingering but on it's downward spiral.

We have a few weekends together coming up, we haven't been physical with each other and neither of us seem to be interested (ok maybe me mildly so as it's been so long) but I know it's not the time for that.

So with all this in mind, I'm now struggling with how to act around her - continue as is "developing our friendship" again or retreat in which case she's going to wonder what's up.

Hi PacLove. Glad to see you are still DBing and making progress. I can't give you advice with a lot of confidence because I'm pretty much in the same situation as you. But I think "consistency" should be your go-to mantra here. If your W is all over the place, you really can't do the same. I don't think it's good for you or your relationship. You have to be the "lighthouse" which stays in one place and offers a path back to safety. It doesn't go out and rescue, nor does it ever turn off its light. That's how I'm handling my sitch anyway and at the very least it gives me piece of mind. Stay strong!

Chris

Thanks for the advice and yes that's sort of what I relized this past weekend... she could totally tell my mood was off when I first saw her, but I quickly "adjusted" and think I came out of the weekend ok.

No R talk but some future talk to which I often responded that depends on where "we" are...

I'm also starting to hold back a little on contacts. I guess I got excited when things were starting to pick up and perhaps that scared her back to her old ways.

Originally Posted By: Chris73

You have to be the "lighthouse" which stays in one place and offers a path back to safety. It doesn't go out and rescue, nor does it ever turn off its light. That's how I'm handling my sitch anyway and at the very least it gives me piece of mind. Stay strong!

PacLove - Sorry your here, but you look to be hanging in there. Be well and best of luck.

Chris - Love this lighthouse analogy. The W is all over the place right now and I'm strong and steady. Trying to maintain space over any M or R talk and avoiding that. Just being a good man and a great father to my munchkins. Thanks for this.