So here's my story
Been married for 7 years together for 10. 2 children 5&1. I have found out that my wife has been having an ea since December and this resulted in a one off meeting where she committed adultery.
She says that our marriage is over and that she has been unhappy for 2-3 years and that she is spent. She has tried to love me but she no longer has those feelings for me. She I her words has checked out..
In January we were not getting on and I said look this can't continue and she said that she was feeling smothered and she needed space and wanted me to move out so she could figure things out. She also suggested counciling. I agreed to move out but this was very hard I missed my kids so much that are my world so came back home after a week. Counciling didn't go to well for her she was reluctant to open up and all of the things she said I needed to do I acted upon and tried to change. It seemed to be a box ticking exercise. Then I noticed she was being funny with her phone taking it everywhere. I confronted her if she was doing anything that if I was she would be hurt by she said no then the following week has this night with the op. I found out about it the following day as her iPad displayed a message that didn't make sense. I confronted her and she admitted to adultery.
Infidelity has always been a deal breaker for both of us her parents divorced due to affairs when she was only 8.
I have done all the things I shouldn't have done I have begged pleased followed her round etc. I am now doing no contact.
My wife I believe is actually suffering from depression. We moved into our dream home 3 yrs ago to be close to her mum. Her mum moved about 12 months ago and this devastated her. I tried to get her to speak to her about it but she wouldn't as it would change anything. She never wanted to return to work after our second child. Our newborn is a handful always on the go and had a few scares when he was very small. She also has a lot of hidden issues about her childhood which the c did start looking into but the reaction my wife had to this shaking and crying the c stepped back. Back in November she joking a direct marketing company and through herself into it by doing live videos every night for weeks. This then stops and then see has the ea. this I have been told has stopped and now she is focusing on us with the idea of divorcing.
She is rewriting the history of our marriage by saying that she thought buying our house would bring us closer together, having our youngest would bring us closer together.
She says that she can't see a future with me.
I know I haven't been the best husband I do tend to put myself first, I may have lost sight of our marriage but she has never mentioned once that she was unhappy and now drops the i want out bomb without even trying.
I really don't know what to do. Today is our 7 wedding anniversary and I'm feeling pretty low. I'm trying the nc apart from the children and I need to gal which I will still try to do but it is so hard.
I don't even know what I want this is still so raw as it is only 3 weeks ago. I know that I have so many times under my breath if we didn't have kids but now that I am staring at it I really don't know if I should fight for her or give up.
If it is depression then going by the time scales for things she does then it seems to be 6-8!weeks cycles that she throws herself into things then it stops.
I am currently out of the family home as I just need to gather my thoughts in in the uk so no issue of abandonment and I have a view of moving back full time in 2-3 weeks (business trip coming up)
I'm just at a crossroads I really am I don't know which way to turn. I know I need to detach but I'm in limbo I hate it.
Some advice would be greatly received. I am reading dr currently and do have db to read but the attitude she currently has I feel that there is no way of saving this
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hello dodog,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! Focus on becoming the best dodog that only a fool would leave. Make these changes for yourself and your children.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
IMHO just move back and start changing.
Be more present and get involved with your kids. Do some of the housework. Take your 5 year old to school. Cut down on your working hours. As they say work on yourself. She will see the change. An affair is a symptom. Focus on the root cause.
Everything will be ok. Visualise what you want.
dodog - welcome. wish we weren't here, but thankfully you found DB much quicker than I did.
My wife also has the "it can't be saved" attitude. Only time will tell, but i'm making changes for myself that maybe she'll get to enjoy one day. And i'm finding 180 opportunities whenever I can. I do see that patience is super important. this won't change overnight, in a few days, over a few weeks, but in months.
dodog - Her rewriting history is common when they are in their wayward mindset. Your first action really needs to be moving back into your home. You won't be able to save a marriage if you are not there. If she is the one that wants space validate her feelings and let her be the one to get that space on her own. Don't make it easy for her to continue her A. What she is doing is cake eating. I encourage you to move back into the home at the very least.
Thank you for all your kind words. I am planning on moving back in a couple of weeks. Next week in in Asia for business. I have been in no contact for 2 days and she sent me a message earlier asking if I was going to see the children Friday (fly Saturday) I said no and I get well that's nice you obviously don't miss the children then. Didn't reply but wanted to. Me not seeing the children for 12 days is nothing compared to what your actions are going to do to them. I just need to try and detach from her. I getting g better at it and I want to be able to move back where I can be a 100% committed dad. But at the moment it is too difficult to be around her. I also feel that she wants me back Friday so she can go out. I'm not an oncall babysitter. I love my kids and I miss them dearly but 12 days isn't going to damage them. I will be returning home the following week as she is away skiing with a gf and then in a business trip. That's when I will be moving back full time under the same roof as her. I don't trust her as far as I can kick her so I will not be allowing her anytime alone on our home to do whatever she likes. The house needs to be de cluueees and stuff ready for it to go on the market. I wanted to try and see if we could work this out but it's only bricks and Mortor and we can always pull out if things turn around. But to be honest afbyhe moment she isn't giving me much reason to think we can. I don't even know if I want to I am making a list reason to stay reasons not too and at the leone time the stay list is rather light. So looking forward to getting this trip started 6 days of no stresses and no reason to see her or talk to her.
Sorry about the typos on my phone and don't seem to find out how I can edit a message
Sorry about the typos on my phone and don't seem to find out how I can edit a message
You can't edit anything - that function is disabled
IMHO make an effort to see the children on Thursday then if you believe she is trying to trick you.
So I have told my story waw says she's been unhappy for years tried to love me but is now spent. I am at my wits end. I'm trying no contact but we have kids. I am a fiver I don't like being in limbo. She says she is done and it's over.
I have penned this letter but not sent it I'm keep writing different one and this is my last draft. I know in my heart that it probably won't work but it's my last hope .
What do you think
Hi,
Been sitting here thinking so much over the past few days about us. And the more I reflect the more apparent that we are so broken. Our marriage has been on a downward spiral for so long and it can't be fixed. There is too much to even try to figure out where to begin.
You have lost faith in us, lost faith in our marriage which has resulted in losing faith in me. You say you are spent, you have nothing left to give as to be honest why would want you spend any more time trying to put effort into a marriage that is past saving.
You have been pushed to the very edge where you can only see the way out of this is for us to separate. We have been drifting apart for so long and there doesn't seem to be any point in trying to mend it.
I'm not looking to mend this I believe that it can't be mended. Our marriage as we know it has past, its dead. We could however learn from our mistakes and build a new one and again be happy. It would take time and patience but it could be the beginning of something so strong. But we wouldn't know this unless we try.
I can't make you love me again only you can do that and if you want to give up and not try then I cannot do anything to stop you apart from accepting that decision.
This wouldn't be for the sake of the children, our children will have all the love they can possibly ask for from the two of us. This decision would be for us and deciding that even though we have hit rock bottom there could be a small hope that we could turn this around.
My stance is simple I have to accept whatever you decide I can force you or make you do anything you don't want to do. I have no control over you all I can do is give your the reassurance that I am willing to draw a line and start a fresh and start back at the beginning. Learn from our mistakes learn to talk to each other and learn to invest time in our marriage rather than allowing it to become comfortable. Marriage needs nurturing, feeding and effort and we haven't done that.
Only you can change this situation I am willing to but it rests on you to take leap of faith.
Finish reading DR. As Cadet says, don't send that letter. I did things like that. You're in the midst of the LBS bomb drop roller coaster.
Focus on you, focus on the kids. Do what is right for you & the children. NC/Going Dark doesn't apply to the kids, only to your WW.
Have limited, polite contact regarding the kids. Keep it short and to the point, but polite.
Be the best you and the best father you can be. Dad not being at home is going to be unsettling for the kids.
So, if you really want to see your kids, and I'm certain you do, go see them. Arrange it on your terms if you like. Be proactive. Like WillDo said, go see them on Thursday.
It's really hard to stop spinning at the moment, so focus on some techniques that calm your mind. Mindfulness, meditation, watching the game, exercise, whatever it takes. Take a deep breath, this is a long haul, and you will have to dig deep to weather it.
Thank you I won't send it. I've just been reading somewhere else about wife's reading fantasy books such as 50 shades. Didn't really dawn in my until now that my wife's kiddlenia full of them. I am really in a mess about this. I feel helpless. Our marriage to me wasn't bad and the more I look at it then yes maybe we were comfortable in it but I feel she is in a dream land. All she talks of now is selling the house divorcing and I don't want this. I don't know what to do. The house is going to go on the market in 3 weeks. I'm moving back home after 4 weeks away of trying to give her space and that hasn't worked it's pushed her further down the d road. I've stopped the d papers but she hasn't proceeded in sending them to me.
I know the 180 is for me to build a new life but I feel I can't just sit here doing nothing.
Why do I have a flashing message symbol coming up but can't access it anyone?
Why do I have a flashing message symbol coming up but can't access it anyone?
I dont know but the message says this
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So I've posted about my story. Wife wants out says it's over. Tried to fall in love with me etc etc.
So my problem is that in the first weeks I did everything I shouldn't have done after finding out about her one off night with some guy. Said that I wanted divorce blah blah blah. We decided that the house needs to be sold in order for us to move on. Well that is now gathering speed to which it is looking like it will go on the market in 3 weeks time. Obviously it needs us both to agree to sell it she can't put it on the market without my agreement so how do I stop this without her thinking I'm doing it to try and win her back.
I really want my wife to try and work this out now I know she has been unhappy I have seen what I need to do but 3 weeks isn't going to do much. Especially as she is going away for some of it. Do I proceed with allowing it to go on the market with the hope it doesn't sell giving her what she wants.
It's a mess I'm a mess I don't know which way to turn
Have you read DR or the homework yet?
Please stick to this thread until 100 posts
she has been unhappy for 2-3 years and that she is spent.
She has tried to love me but she no longer has those feelings for me.
Do you think this is your fault?
Although I say believe nothing she says.
There is probably some truth in what she says above.
She is unhappy and she has no clue why.
You did not break her and YOU can not FIX her.
Stop trying to do that.
Back away and let go.
Pray
She has to FIX herself.
She has to love herself.
Until she does that your relationship
can not continue.
Do you love her enough to let her do that?
I have read dr but I feel like this is just snowballing. One say I think it's the right thing to do the next I don't. I'm at my wots end.
I really don't know if she is telling the truth. In the last 3 years we have bought our dream house had a second child. Ok I have been a bit selfish and not shown her the love I maybe should of but this really has come out of the blue. I know I can't fix her she is the only one to do that. I know I can't force her to love me only she can do that.
Yes she does say she doesn't know why she feels like this and she can't tell me why.
I know I need to step back but it's all snowballing out of control. The house is set to go on the market in 3 weeks. I know I can stop this but what if it sends her into a even further black hole?
So you have two children.
What kind of DAD are you?
I am a hands on dad I play with them read them stories do the bedtime feeds. I have even videos myself reading a bedtime story for my eldest 5 yr old to watch whilst I am away.
I do however play golf and what I have been guilty of is writing on the calendar what time I will be playing golf each weekend and fitting our family life around that bit I am home by 1pm and it was agreed with my wife to join a golf club. My kids areare my world. As I said I have been guilty of putting them and me before my wife and I realise that
I really don't know if she is telling the truth. In the last 3 years we have bought our dream house had a second child. Ok I have been a bit selfish and not shown her the love I maybe should of but this really has come out of the blue. I know I can't fix her she is the only one to do that. I know I can't force her to love me only she can do that.
Yes she does say she doesn't know why she feels like this and she can't tell me why.
I know I need to step back but it's all snowballing out of control. The house is set to go on the market in 3 weeks. I know I can stop this but what if it sends her into a even further black hole?
Hello dodog,
I'm sorry that you are feeling like things are snowballing out of control.
Why is the house set to go on the market in 3 weeks? How was this timing decided? You are so smart to recognize that you could put things further into a black hole if not handled properly.
I highly recommend taking of advantage of the online special for Telephone Coaching. You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. We have many, many international clients. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
So an update. I have told my wife that I am going to fight for this marriage. I have been walking on egg shells trying to get othwer people to do my fighting for me. I have said that our old marriage is dead and that I believe that we can build a new one learning from our mistakes. She says she is not sure but at least I have told her my stance. I am not agreeing to putting the house on the market I am moving back home on Thursday and will be living in aepeeeate rooms. She says that there is no one else which I believe her. And I have said that just give us some time to see where we can go. Probably not the right thing to have done but at least it bides some time for me to show my intent. I've stood up and told her that I believe that this is worth fighting for. I've shown her a different side of me someone who is not going to just roll with what I think she wants me to do. Will it work I don't know but at least I can now breath easier be a bit calmer and stop the snow ball effect of what has been happening. We are still just 5 weeks since dday and I'm not sure gay doing this at her speed was the right thing to do. Only time will tell I will read dr again. Start being the person I want to be giving my time to nurture marriage and be again tb person she fell in love with. I'm not going to be a door mat I'm not going to question her ask her her feelings just be a strong farther a strong husband and if it works then great if it at least I have tried my damdest.
Well Done! My prayers are with you. Patience. Plenty of patience. Avoid anymore relationship talk and focus on your children. Just my opinions.
Good, you've made a decision. Go with it. Just remember... this is a long haul. It took a long time for your wife to feel the way she does. It will take her a long time to think otherwise again.
Work on you, make those changes permanent. It's been 7 months since my BD with precious little progress... mostly down to my weakness in applying the rules and techniques. Some posters have been at it for years. Be very patient.
So an update. Back from Korea and had a blazing row with the wife in Saturday. This resulted in a text conversation Monday where she is point blankly saying that this is over and that she doesn't love me and she actually feels sorry for me. I'm now at my wits end I have posted that I do feel that all of this is down to depression so many factors point to it but her family won't discuss it with her. Her friends wouldn't have the back bone to do it. We have our first mediation meeting in 2 weeks individual with a view to have our first one together at the end of April. Due to the children it is tough to do the no contact rule. I said yesterday when she was trying to discuss holidays etc for the children that this is what mediation is for and I get a response if I thought we were adults. I replied with look I'm not doing this if you think of something you want to discuss then write it down and discuss it at mediation. I also told her that I would be staying at the house mondays andbtiesday and every other we end and I expect her not to be there. Some of the stuff she is saying to me is now pushing me away to a point where I'm really getting pissed off. Thjnkjngbthag divorce is the best option. I don't want to because of the children and also because I do feel that this is due to an chemical imbalance but I'm starting to think that I'm actually better off without her.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Do dog... I am impressed with your strength, I personally think your doing great staying away from her to get yourself straight...
Your absolutely right that staying away from kids for 12 days isn't going to hurt them.. Find your strength, go on your work trip, then go home and be there for your children...
Don't kid yourself about your pros and cons list about staying with her, your kids are reason enough to give every effort to saving your marriage, and you need to try. But you don't need to give yourself up to do so, she's going to have the most work to do to save the M, for now you just need to remain strong and validate her feelings about your issues, don't have to agree, but they are her feelings so they are real.
Thank me everyone but i honestly think that there is no going back with my wife. I'm now back at the marital home mon Tuesday and every other weekend and she is not going to be there. We have mediation starting in 6 weeks and the house will be going on the market one we can agree terms of the settlement. I reckon I have 4 months before it is all going to be down in writing. I have 5 months to file for divorce under adultery. Life is tough at the moment. I don't even know if I could ever trust her again. My head is so confused I'm suffering from not sleeping properly. Just need to detach gal and move on with or without her. I've done with the chase it's now time for me to take the reigns. I am doing loads of stuff to the hkusemover the next few days so it is ready to go on the market. I just don't know if she will snap out of this fog but I can't wait around and see. She is from a broken family so she knows that the children will be ok as she and her siblings were. What's worse is that her mum and dad still spend christmas's together after 20 yrs both remarried but are both very big Christian's so I think she she's that and thinks that it will be ok.
So spent today doing loads of unfinished jobs around the house. The wife is skiing in France with a gf. Had a black moment last night and blocked all of her family on fbook and her and then realised that wasn't wise so I had to unblock her and send a new deism request. She did accept it but questioned it this morning whilst face timing the children. She has sent me 2 texts today just asking about the children. One word answers back from me. My brother has been here all day and to be honest he has been a rock. Trying to keep my spirits up saying the house is just bricks and mortar you will be fine. You are the 2nd most hasdaome bloke he knows (figure who he thinks is the first) you have a great job and you will have so much fun on tinder......
Sitting here trying to to fbook stalk the wife I have unfollowed her so I now don't see all the pictures she is putting up probably from her ski trip. I know that this marriage is almost over. I feel so sorry for my kids 1&5. My eldest keeps asking about cam we go swimming and can we do this or that. I just play dumb to her. I have both children at the same time and rules in the uk prohibit mentaling 2 inexperienced swimmers at the same time. Have another day tomorrow working on the house and our first mediation meeting in 2 weeks. I know what she wants regarding settlement and to be honest it's not as much as she probably can get if she pushed through solicitors but I need to make sure that she doesn't think I'm just going to roll over. She trying to bully me into this. I know what I want rebthe children 2 day a week and every other weekend. It's just the days that she doesn't seem to be budging on. I want mondays and Tuesday and then Saturday morning through to monday morning but she says that a four day stretch eveybither week is too long. So she wants Friday night throughntill Sunday and then Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The real reason is that then she can go out on a Friday and a Saturday night. I think talking to the mediator that this could take a few months to get sorted. 2-3 meetings re children then 3-4 meetings re finances. And they say each meeting tonne 2-3 weeks apart. Not sure about putting the house on the market until we have something in place regarding the equity. No point putting off potential buyers. Really need to tell the rldestbsomething thiughas so far we have made up lies as to why I'm not around. I think it is going to be along the lines of mummmy and daddy need some time apart to figure stuff out. Daddy will be here 2 nights and week and every other weekend an dmummy will be here the rest of the time.
Any advice on what to tell a 5 yr old about separating would be gratefully received.
It is not over until it is over.
I don't think you need to say anything to your children yet. They need you. Spend time with them more and more. Look up on the internet for games you can play with them. Do something different. Cook with them. Sing with them.
Do you want to file divorce under adultery? Or do you want to save your marriage?
Make changes and focus on yourself.
I want to save this marriage I think but the more she keeps telling people we are divorcing the harder I think it is going to be. She is a very stubborn person. She seems hell bent in breaking up this family, even told me to just move on like she is. I'm now not even contacting her. One word answers and today in face time with the kids I didn't interact with her one bit. If I don't instigate conversations then it's going to be easier for me to detach. Like I said I don't think anything i do will change situation so I'm moving on with or without her.
I want to save this marriage I think but the more she keeps telling people we are divorcing the harder I think it is going to be. She is a very stubborn person. She seems hell bent in breaking up this family, even told me to just move on like she is. I'm now not even contacting her. One word answers and today in face time with the kids I didn't interact with her one bit. If I don't instigate conversations then it's going to be easier for me to detach. Like I said I don't think anything i do will change situation so I'm moving on with or without her.
This sounds like something i would write. Verbatim. Same situation as me.
I can relate to the stubborn wife intent on breaking up the marriage.
I will say that I've made her crack a few times, where she momentarily may have questioned herself. Each time it was by using 180 techniques from my DB coach.
I'll have to follow you, since our wives are clearly in the same state of mind.
Good luck and stay strong.
Hi, thanks for your support. I'm in the uk so db coaching is not really practical. I will continue to use the books and be as polite as possible but as I said unless she actually starts missing me I don't see any road back.
She is back from skiing Sunday and then I'm going to stay in a hotel for the night then she is away on business Tuesday till Thursday. We actually work for the same company so intrybtonavoid her as much as possible. She is telling people at work that it's over and knowing her I'm not sure if she would back down and say that we are going to give it another go. She says she doesn't see a future with me. I spoke with her about separation and her reply was ok fine I will move out not pay the mortgage and want help with the rent. I said ok well let's discuss it but I would like to do councilling but that was met with a reply of I'm not doing councilling I don't love you, I don't want to be with you. I'm moving on I suggest you do the same.
Broken man is the best way to describe me currently
Dodog,
I heard a lot of these same things and made a lot of the standard mistakes. It took me a LONG time to start listening to the advice here to detach and severely limit contact. I can say that after a few months of following this advice though, my WW started changing some. She started asking why I didn't want to be a part of her life, asking could we re-establish a friendship, realizing that she was going to COMPLETELY lose me forever. Now, with all of this said she still hasn't discontinued her A with OM so I am in no way interested in moving forward with her, but I just want you to have another perspective. I will say that what I have learned and found from all of this is that I am not so sure NOW that I will even want to move forward with her if she does drop OM. It's truly amazing what detaching can do for your objectivity.
Any advice on what to tell a 5 yr old about separating would be gratefully received.
Hello dodog,
Michele has an excellent article regarding telling the kids. I'm happy to send it to you via email.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
We have many, many people from the UK that benefit from working with a DB Coach. Hopefully they will chime in and share their experience.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Any advice on what to tell a 5 yr old about separating would be gratefully received.
Hello dodog,
Michele has an excellent article regarding telling the kids. I'm happy to send it to you via email.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
We have many, many people from the UK that benefit from working with a DB Coach. Hopefully they will chime in and share their experience.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Yes please send you have my email address d*******t73@hotmail.com
I know there isn't om on the scene it was a 3 month long ea with a hook up on one occasion. I know that she is having one of her friends in her ear to follow this thorough one who really donesnt like me. It is tough being in limbo. I just want us to try and make this work. She says she has been trying to fall in love with me for some time and she is spent. I'm sure what else I can do to be honest. Sitting here at 8pm all alone kids asleep. Just with so much time in my hands I just start over thinking stuff. Been prescribed some medication to try to combat the sleep problem and over thinking which seems to be working. Not contacted her since Wednesday and that was just about the children and the house. Got a golf trip coming up in a few weeks which I can't wait for just to get away. Also now i have told her that I will be having the children 2 nights a week plus every other weekend at the house and her to not be there I have a bit more stability. The mediator said that we could be months away from sorting this out which only helps me try to see if she starts to turn her way of thinking. Everything I have done so far hasn't worked so going dark and nc may do. She has in her
Mind what she wants with regard to settlement which is basically a new house x amount of cash. Basically her Life now with the exception of me. I'm not going to be walked over re settlement. When you all say patience patience patience and more patience your not wrong.
Feeling it today. We had planned as a family to go on a tour around Scotland over Easter. Only booked before Christmas by the wife. It has since been cancelled and my daughter said earlier we go to Scotland soon in the camper van. It breaks my heart to what my wife is doing and the implications it will have on my family. She text me earlier and I replied and said I think we need to tell outlet oldest something. She keeps questioning where I am to my parents and the lies we have been telling to explain my absence are now getting to much. The wife's reaction no we will tell her next week when I'm back from a business trip. I just want to shout and scream at her. She has hardly contacted them since wednesday. It's like she has just pressed the [censored] it button (my councillor phrase) with no thought of the outcome. As long as she is having fun then balls to everyone else. She has just removed a family picture as her cover picture on fbook. I know patience is the key but the more this goes on the more I'm thinking that why should I even entertain reconsilling with her.
To add insult to injury she knew I had the kids this weekend as she is skiing and has agreed a sleep over for my eldest at one of her friends house. My d is so looking forward to it so I would never stop her but why on the weekend when I was having them.
I'm starting to think that it is time to start thinking about me with regard to the divorce. I told her is she wants a divorce then file for it. Still nothing but she has arranged mediation, so I and starting to look down a barrel of the gun and starting to accept that she is hell bent on this.
I just don't get it from 10 weeks ago booking holidays, offering to put money in my pension, to now wanting a divorce.
Hi, thanks for your support. I'm in the uk so db coaching is not really practical.
I'm almost positive the DB Coaches help people in the UK. Its all through phone. You should give them a call to confirm. If so, book a few sessions. They are very helpful.
starting to look down a barrel of the gun and starting to accept that she is hell bent on this.
I feel the same way. Since i want a clean conscious the rest of my life, i'm not going to pull the trigger on filing for divorce. She can be the one who takes the steps to destroy this family. Meanwhile, i'm detaching, getting a life for myself, and working on becoming a better person. Its her loss.
I just don't get it from 10 weeks ago booking holidays, offering to put money in my pension, to now wanting a divorce.
Its been mentioned many times on this forum and also in the DR book - our wives have been thinking about this for a long, long time. They finally just snapped. In my case, it was also super fast from when i was told she was unhappy until she said she wanted out.
We had our first mediation session a few days ago. It focused on custody. Overall, it wasn't too painful. Once again, my DB Coach was a big help in my preparation. I kept calm and showed her that i'm a better person than what she's picturing (except for one minor passive aggressive comment by me).
You are in the UK, please get advice on your position in D. This is important, vital even. Find out.
There are Internet resources, knowledge is important, and occupation of the MH is hard to change especially temporary custody orders.
You do not have to advise WW on this, just for your own sake and find a solicitor specialising in D. Know what is what.
I am pro M, very pro and also very pro INTEL and fathers rights, which often means facing the reality of D. Know the position, stay calm and be with your children.
V
Thanks yes mediation in the uk starts with independent meeting first to explain how it all works then it starts about 4 weeks later. First topic is custody. I was aiming for 2 nights a week and every other weekend, we have a nanny to tend to the children 3 days a week and the wife does the other 2 days. I have mentioned this and she is in agreement but wantabthe nanny to songhe care at hers and just bring them to me for the evening. My argument is that if they are my days then the care gets done at my place. But after taking to my dad yesterday he has said that maybe just one night a week would be better and every other weekend. So anyway that's the first hurdle. The finances well that's a whole new ball game.
I seen a lawyer and I know what I have to give legally with regard to child support the next problem is that I earn 3 times as much as her and she knows it so she is going for 60% of the house. Half childcare cost for the nanny and wants 500 a month spousal maintenance. All she keeps saying is that you will still have twice as much surplus income than me if you agree to this. Yeah I know but why the hell shoildni fund you to a lifestyle we had when we were married. It's going to get so messy the only assets we have is the house. She keeps saying that she is being fair in what she is asking for. I know it's for my kids and to be able to get a riff over there heads but it still pains me hearing that all she is concerned about is the financials
Discuss the custody issue with your L.
My own thoughts (I am not an L) is where the nanny is could be important.
V
Thanks for your advice. As we are going Thru mediation first it for me and the wife to sort out. I'm now thinking I only want one night a week which would be Tuesdays and my parents have the children on A Tuesday afternoon so my wife cannot expect them to have them at her house. I'm sure we will get it nailed the only thing I have going for me is that she is from a broken family so knows how important access is. We just speaking to a friend who is in the same boat but not married and don't own a property so they have just split. I have months of this shite got to sort out parent orde and finances and then sell the house. That is the only bit that is either a good thing for her to come out of this fog or whatever she is going thru or for me to actually detach properly.
Is just rubbish being in limbo. Sat here on a Saturday late afternoon with one chil who is already getting grotty for not having a sleep so I'm stuck here facing yet another eveing in. Might make the most of it and treat myself to a movie and an early night with some db reading.
Sweetie, it's not advice, just thoughts and views for you to consider.
V
A bit of a backslide this morning. W text saying she won't face time the kids but asked if they were ok, and are you staying at the house tonight? Instead of just saying yes they are fine I went and said yes etc etc bought this that and the other, making some dinner for the kids in slow cooker. And no I won't be here until Tuesday.
She replies saying lucky kids.
Me: there is enough for you as I'm eating out
I then get nothing back.
So I proceed with I know you despise me but a thank you wouldn't go a miss.
Then I send inseee you type me a message then you don't send it. Do you really hate me that much
Reply is I don't hate you and thank you( I thought I did sa that earlier)
Me: sorry no you don't hate me you feel sorry for me.
W: I'm not doing this it's not helpful.
M: sorry that was uncalled for. Have a ace flight back
Why do I do it. Been doing so well at nc and then just slip up thjnkjngbthag my w actually has some kind of heart inside her to actually acknowledge me doing something nice for her.
Back to going dark and nc.
We all have moments of weakness. Put it out of your head and move forward. I've been on the verge of slipping up all weekend. W hasn't tried to contact the kids at all, which is weird.
Firstly you know this is mind reading.
You dont know her thoughts and it's controlling. Considering her response which I thought it was reasonable and ordinary.
These kinds of responses give great fuel to her justifications of behaviour.
Please detach, your emotions are dependent on any whimsy of hers. Not good.
And just a little more thought, this isn't NC, NC is like V pitch black, no contact by email, text, call, blocked on social media. All correspondence through court and L.
This is far from NC, almost as far as you can go.
Detach, please read Cadets opening thread and links.
V
Ok so nc in my eyes is really limited contact. We have 2 children and not only that we work for the same company. Yes I know I need to detach and fornthe past 5 weeks all I have done is pursue. It's hard to detach but I know I must. I think having the boundaries in place re me having the kids at the house will give me a bit more stability and also know when I am free to do stuff. I am at the house from Tuesday till Thursday next week after today and then not back again until the following monday and Tuesday. So have a weekend of golf planned with buddies and staying at a buddies house and going out.
I wish I could just move out and get my own place but finances currently don't allow me to do that.
I don't want to lose my wife nor break up my family or sell our beautiful home but unless she does a dramatic uturn I feel that this will be the outcome. I know I have said stuff and done stuff which has resulted in this sitch but for my wife not even give us a chance to try and fix is the big I can't swallow
Please don't leave the MH.
Let's think about self talk.
As in
I know I must
I don't want to
I need
Let's change that to
I can choose to
Beating yourself up isn't going to help you and creates resistance in you. Like a stern headmistress telling you to pull your socks up, you must work harder etc. Most of us rebel against such things. So one of the ways to detach is to say:
I choose to set boundaries whilst I am in the house. I am choosing not to move out at this time to keep my finances stable.
--------------------------------
Detaching, here is how I do it:
I observe any interaction, like a reporter for Time magazine. I watch me and my reaction as if I was that observing reporter, I watch the Giggalo (the obvious name plus giggle Oh) reaction and response in an interesting way.
These are referred to as first, second and third position. Position one me or you, position two, your W or the Giggalo and position three the Time Reporter (or fly on the wall).
When I observe as if I am the reporter it helps me detach, it's an art. My personal health and wellbeing improved enormously when I detached.
I recommend it.
V
I understand what you are saying about the mh but I need to get away from her. We have an agreement of 2 nights a week and every other weekend. At first I said I was coming back and it will be separate rooms but it is such a horrible atmosphere I fear for my children. We don't ever argue and since she dropped the bomb all we seem to do is argue.
I want to spare my daughter the toxic mess that this is. My wife is cold hearted and I honestly can't be around her.
I will take the detachment on board not thiughtnof it like that. I'm in a hotel tonight then my brothers monday then back here till Thursday. I also work with my wife at the same company which also isn't ideal so at least having some time apart will give her a chance to miss me.
Detaching isn't not being attached or even being unattached.
It is letting go of any outcome. Fine if yes, fine if no.of course you may have a preference, even a strong one which you can acknowledge to yourself.
And there may be an unlimited number of outcomes. They are fine and can be dealt with.
In a way I think of this as becoming attached to yourself, understanding acknowledging your own feelings and thoughts. Observing. Being still as thoughts and feelings go by like flotsam and jetsam on a river. Thought and feeling won't harm you, they are just for now. Observing means letting these go.
I like you want to protect your children to ensure their safety and wellbeing. I have enormous respect for you in this attitude, it is the measure of the father that you are.
V
And yes it's reduced contact.
V
So an update the wife has really peeved me off today. Just her whole attitude towards the children. I have said that we need to tell the eldest something rather than lying to her. Her response yes ok. So I'm like I think we should say that we are unhappy and we need sometime apart apart so daddy will
Be here on some days and mummy the ithers. To which she says no we should tell her the truth. She is 5 yrs old we are not going to have all of this finalised for months we allow a 5 yr old to have to go through it. She really does make my skin crawl. We don't even know what's happening yet about housing care etc so how do we answer question of stuff we don't know about. She is living is this big bubble and as long as she is ok every one will be fine.
I'm so angry I just to go over there and shake her until she actually see what's a f'ing mess she is making.
And all I keep hearing from her is that this is best for the children nonlkve this is what is best for you.
So from this point forward I'm looking after number 1 I know what I have to give her in settlement by law everything else she is going to have to fight for. She plays this port helpsless soul walking around trying to get sympathy and she is a cernivkng little b***ch.
So an update the wife has really peeved me off today. Just her whole attitude towards the children. I have said that we need to tell the eldest something rather than lying to her. Her response yes ok. So I'm like I think we should say that we are unhappy and we need sometime apart apart so daddy will
Be here on some days and mummy the ithers. To which she says no we should tell her the truth. She is 5 yrs old we are not going to have all of this finalised for months we allow a 5 yr old to have to go through it.
Did you send Cristy from DB an email about Michelle's article on telling kids? It was on your thread a few pages back. I emailed her that day and got the article this morning. It is useful.
So an update the wife has really peeved me off today. Just her whole attitude towards the children. I have said that we need to tell the eldest something rather than lying to her. Her response yes ok. So I'm like I think we should say that we are unhappy and we need sometime apart apart so daddy will
Be here on some days and mummy the ithers. To which she says no we should tell her the truth. She is 5 yrs old we are not going to have all of this finalised for months we allow a 5 yr old to have to go through it.
Did you send Cristy from DB an email about Michelle's article on telling kids? It was on your thread a few pages back. I emailed her that day and got the article this morning. It is useful.
Thanks for the heads up. I just did email her.
Really feeling pretty down today. Really don't like this limbo stage. Looking forward to seeing my children later and have them at the house until Friday. Spoke with the wife last night as to what to tell the eldest about me not being there. Then she starts on about agreeing to her terms re settlement and it's not for her its for the children. Then proceeding to tell me that I am manipulative, spiteful and the sooner this is finalised the better. Says that she could never love me the way I'm acting and that i will thank her in 5 years for splitting us up.
Can't focus at work, don't see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. Although I know I will be alright when we divorce it's the limbo stage I can't deal with.
I really don't know what I'm grieving about more the loss of my family, the loss of my family life, or the uncertainty of the future.
It sounds like you are about 4-6 weeks behind me in the process. I felt or feel the same things. Fortunately, its getting easier and doesn't happen as frequently. I attribute this to 1) detaching, 2) GALing, and 3) accepting the reality of it all. I've also made a very significant effort to mellow out in life and not let this define me.
Here's some more specific thoughts...
Really feeling pretty down today. Really don't like this limbo stage.
I hear ya! I hate the limbo. I have many ups and downs.
Have you spoken to your primary care Dr. about any of this? Many people have mentioned getting Ativan (Lorazepam) or Xanax to help with the down days. Worth looking into.
Looking forward to seeing my children later and have them at the house until Friday.
Being with my kids is the best thing in the world for me right now. Definitely something to keep looking forward to.
Let me know when you figure out how to fix this one. I've gotten into a much happier place over the past 2-3 weeks, but my focus at work is still not there or where it used to be (hence why i'm on this site in the middle of the day). Good luck with it.
Possibly talk to your dr. about this too? Drugs can possibly help.
I really don't know what I'm grieving about more the loss of my family, the loss of my family life, or the uncertainty of the future.
You are probably grieving about each of these, based on the day, hour, minute, second. You have a perfectly acceptable reason to grieve. Its part of the process.
See how i'm validating there? I'm practicing.
Thanks kevinin makes me feel a bit better knowing that it's not just going all through this. I have seen my dr and he has prescribed me some anxiety meds. Forgot to take them Sunday which is why I'm probably feeling a bit more rubbish than usual.
I know it will get easier and I really need start thinking that me and the wife are over. To be honest sitting here at the house with the children I don't actually miss her. She is away in Amsterdam for a conference and she could be there with anyone for all I care.
It just pains me to know that I'm going to be atartingball over again with hardly anything and she will be set up in a house which I'm going to be finding. I reckon it's going to take me about 12 months on renting a place before I can buy a home but that also gives me some time to decide where I want to live. I need to be within 20 mins drive of the children to be able to see tham one night during the week. But that then limits me as to what I can rent.
Tried to give back my car today but I owe more than it's worth so I'm stuck with it for at least another 18 months. Just trying to stock pile cash now in order for me to be able to get things sorted when we do final break up.
Just wish I was actually busy in my job at the moment but as I don't have much to do at the moment it just makes it even more harder. And the fact that the wife works for the same company so I don't even have the sanctuary of being at work
Just need to start getting out a bit more and also start going back to the gym and start playing golf again especially now the weather is getting warmer.
Well tomorrow is a brand new day and hopefully it will get a bit easier than today.
Whenever she says something awful then remember it's a thing call projection
That means you are likely the opposite of it
You are selfish.....actually you are generous
You are unkind,....you are super kind
You are horrible...
Etc
My ex said I was incompetent, selfish, unfeeling, ugly, fat, unfaithful.....
I bought it and I shouldn't have. It diminished me and prevented me from functioning.
And I am learning it is make believe. And you would think someone as faithful as V would be able to say I haven't cheated! Instead I searched my mind, why would the Gigalo think that?
V
Just need to start getting out a bit more and also start going back to the gym and start playing golf again
Followthe advice in this forum and Get A Life (GAL). You have two things decided already - gym and golf. Make it happen. Especially the gym - as frequently as you can (maybe even at lunch if you are slow at work).
The next GAL thing I've been told to do is update my bucket list. Get a mix if big things that may never happen (e.g. African Safari) with realistic goals (e.g. learn to salsa dance). Then start doing it. For me, I've started going to a lot of concerts, which i havent done in years. Its fun to think about going, then reliving the memory. Find fun people to go with.
Also, go shopping for new, modern, stylish clothes to wear to work if you dont already dress modern. It will make you feel good.
So today feeling a bit better after spending the night with the children. Had to deflect lots of questions from my daughter this morning about when mummy gets home will I also be here. Also questions about summer holidays and taking her back to eurodisney. Makes me so upset to think what this is going to do to her. I would love to think that me and the wife could live under the same roof but I honestly don't think I can do it.
We are at least 4 months away from having all of this finalised and therhiught of living seperated under the same roof feels me with dread.
So quite a few exchanges today with w all about what to say to our eldest. And also making arrangements for my parents to swap there afternoon when they have the children so they hand over to me rather than my w. She did have a little moan about my parents wanting to swap so I said. Did a bit of db saying I can appreciate how you would feel like that. Something that did stick in my mind today and as peaople say about throwing us crumbs. During our heating exchange the night before last she said that I should stop walking around having my own pity party.... this annoyed me but then she said how do you expect me to fall in love with you if your being like this. So you know what I'm going to use that not the how do I fall in love with you big but the pity party and show her that I am no longer going to be wallowing in pity. That this situation is the best thing to hav happened to me in a long while. I'm going to smile be happy. I actually can be happy as spoke with my mortgage advisor and been told what one company would be prepared to lend me with including giving the child support and everything else she is demanding and it's still enough to be able to something that I would want to live in. Still need to decide whether to rent or buy but hat was a positive. Also I've started to stop looking to far in to the future. There is no point getting stressed out about where I'm going to live right now. I don't need to make any decisions and I can't make any decisions so why even spend my time thinking about it.
Just put the kids to bed and going to treat myself to a movie and an early night. No work tomorrow as I have the litttle one as w doesn't work Thursday or Fridays and with her being away we have no child care so a day with the little man all on his own without his big sister very rarely happens so I'm going to embrace it and have a great day.
Still dreading Friday telling my eldest that mummy and daddy need some time apart speech but that's all we can tell her at the moment. I'm not going to tell her we are divorcing or selling the house until we have to but to many lies have been told as to my whereabouts for the past 6 weeks that it's time to tell some truths. Who knows it may even pull a few heart strings on the w although I'm not sure she actually has one anymore
Just need to start getting out a bit more and also start going back to the gym and start playing golf again
Followthe advice in this forum and Get A Life (GAL). You have two things decided already - gym and golf. Make it happen. Especially the gym - as frequently as you can (maybe even at lunch if you are slow at work).
The next GAL thing I've been told to do is update my bucket list. Get a mix if big things that may never happen (e.g. African Safari) with realistic goals (e.g. learn to salsa dance). Then start doing it. For me, I've started going to a lot of concerts, which i havent done in years. Its fun to think about going, then reliving the memory. Find fun people to go with.
Also, go shopping for new, modern, stylish clothes to wear to work if you dont already dress modern. It will make you feel good.
Your right I need to start living my life again. Been wallowing to much lately. The gym side I've let slip but I do need to swap gyms as the wife is also a member of the same one. I'm actually thinking of starting running again in the evenings and also maybe taking my bicycle out. Might even sign up for antriathlon this year just to have a goal.
The clothes thing I already dress quite well and finds etc. But good shout re the bucket list although dont really havenone except playing certain golf courses. Managed to tick oakland hills off the list last year as I'm in Michigan every October for work. Have been invited to play whistling straits this year so might do that. Just can't commit to any financial stuff at the moment not until I know what I'm looking at re settlement. I'm trying to avoid the conversations with the w about this presently as I know what she wants and I know what I have to givenlegally it's just a bit of a grey area about her needs and her wants. Hopefully mediation will iron this all out.
Just need to start getting out a bit more and also start going back to the gym and start playing golf again
Followthe advice in this forum and Get A Life (GAL). You have two things decided already - gym and golf. Make it happen. Especially the gym - as frequently as you can (maybe even at lunch if you are slow at work).
The next GAL thing I've been told to do is update my bucket list. Get a mix if big things that may never happen (e.g. African Safari) with realistic goals (e.g. learn to salsa dance). Then start doing it. For me, I've started going to a lot of concerts, which i havent done in years. Its fun to think about going, then reliving the memory. Find fun people to go with.
Also, go shopping for new, modern, stylish clothes to wear to work if you dont already dress modern. It will make you feel good.
Your right I need to start living my life again. Been wallowing to much lately. The gym side I've let slip but I do need to swap gyms as the wife is also a member of the same one. I'm actually thinking of starting running again in the evenings and also maybe taking my bicycle out. Might even sign up for antriathlon this year just to have a goal.
The clothes thing I already dress quite well and finds etc. But good shout re the bucket list although dont really havenone except playing certain golf courses. Managed to tick oakland hills off the list last year as I'm in Michigan every October for work. Have been invited to play whistling straits this year so might do that. Just can't commit to any financial stuff at the moment not until I know what I'm looking at re settlement. I'm trying to avoid the conversations with the w about this presently as I know what she wants and I know what I have to givenlegally it's just a bit of a grey area about her needs and her wants. Hopefully mediation will iron this all out.
One thing that may be missing - group activities. Running and biking are great, but do it with a group. You need to be around new people. I love running, but i swapped it out for an exercise class like Crossfit so i'm around new people I can socialize with.
Thanks kevinin you are a great inspiration. I do need to look at group activities as if the truth be known my circle of friends is somewhat depleted either moved away, live far away or now married etc.
So I'm in the mh today looking after the baby boy, wife comes back tonight. Going to make sure I'm already in bed so I don't have to face her. Tomorrow we are going to tell our daughter something about the way things will be going forward i.e. Mummy and daddy need some time apart to fingurentbkngs out as neither of us are happy at the moment. Hopefully that should be enough until we know more of what is going to happen. My golf trip to Portugal can't come soon enough. It's only 3 days but just to get away with the sun shining and a chance to go out. My waw is really bugging me. I logged on to my Mac and she was still signed in I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and she has searched for thesame guy everyday for the past 2 weeks. And it's not just once a day. It numerous. I know that I cannot control her but to be honest this guy is an oik. Maybe she fancies a bit of rough or something but I am fuming. Been lying on the sofa with my daughter having the best cuddles and giggles and now she has just fallen asleep on me. She said she wanted to sleep in the main bed with me tonight so I might allow her. Especially as her world is going to come crashing down tomorrow. Had a few convos with the wife today about what to say. Even did a bit of db referring back to our arguement on Monday and validating saying that I am sorry that she feels that way and I appreciate that she was being open and honest.
I don't deserve to be treated like this by anyone, so why am I trying to save this marriage so much. I try to do no contact as much as I can with children jnvolved but it's tough. I hope that knowing that I will see the children every Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend I will be able to stop having contact with her as much.
Why am I beating myself up so much when I know that out there, there must be someone who I can be with who wouldn't treat me the way she has.
Thanks kevinin you are a great inspiration.
Oh heck no i'm not. If that were the case, i'd be happily married right now. But, i've definitely made a solid effort to detach and move forward with my own life without my wife.
Tomorrow we are going to tell our daughter something about the way things will be going forward i.e. Mummy and daddy need some time apart to fingurentbkngs out as neither of us are happy at the moment. Hopefully that should be enough until we know more of what is going to happen.
Good luck. Let me know how it goes. Are you going to use some of the info from Michelle's article?
Please plan on posting how it goes. I'll need your lessons learned.
I logged on to my Mac and she was still signed in I know I shouldn't have snooped but I did and she has searched for the same guy everyday for the past 2 weeks. And it's not just once a day. It numerous.
Stop snooping. Ya gotta stop. For you. Don't do it anymore. Log her out if you need to.
I had to google that one - not an American term.
OIK:
noun, BRITISH, an uncouth or obnoxious person.She said she wanted to sleep in the main bed with me tonight so I might allow her. Especially as her world is going to come crashing down tomorrow.
I've been letting my 6 year old sleep in my bed whenever i'm home, for at least one night. She's my rock. It kills me to know how bad its going to break her heart when we tell her.
Even did a bit of db referring back to our argument on Monday and validating saying that I am sorry that she feels that way and I appreciate that she was being open and honest.
Nice work. Keep it up.
I hope that knowing that I will see the children every Monday and Tuesday and every other weekend
This is my exact schedule. The 5 day stretch without my kids is horrible. But, it could be less so i'm thankful.
Why am I beating myself up so much when I know that out there, there must be someone who I can be with who wouldn't treat me the way she has.
Because this is all painful and there isn't an easy path forward?
So I've gone about 5 steps back. The wife came back last night so she was in the house this morning whilst j was there. It just brought up lots of feelings. I know she has hurt me and I know that I should start to detach but it is so tough. I love her and I am finding it really hard not to even though she has hurt me.
I'm at work trying not to start crying like a baby. I have to face her again this afternoon when we are going to sit down with our daughter and tell her that we need some time apart.
I was doing so well and now I feel like I'm back to square one.
Did you try to have relationship talks with her, or act sad around her? If nit, then pat yourself on the back - thats a win.
Keep it together around her. You'll move forward eventually, but its super hard. I can relate.
Hi kevinin no I didn't whikstvthere but she has just called me and I cracked. But it would seem there is no going back with her so I need to just try and forget any chance of reconciling. She has spoken with a child psychologist who is a friend of a friend and they have come back with the following to tell my eldest
I think two things are important:
1) The "story" as it were that Daughter hears is consistent from you and her dad and
2) the explanation and method of delivery are within her level of comprehension
I would recommend having a really clear conversation with her dad as to what you are going to tell Daughter as close to the truth as possible but something she is happy to hear. What you don't want to happen is for Daughter to hear 2 "sides" and not make sense of this, then potentially think it is something to do with her as it doesn't feel genuine.
I would recommend , once you have both decided on a clear and consistent story, that you write this down into a story book for her in order that you can explain it to her and she can keep referring back to it. I'd photocopy it so she has a copy at yours and her dad's.
The thing you want to avoid is that dad says something against you and you say things against him. I'd put lots of positive things in the story like
" We both love you very much" and " when mummy and daddy had you they loved each other lots , but now they just want to be friends"
Explain what will happen practically, like " daddy will move to ...." " Daughter will still get to see daddy x times a week and she can call him when she likes"
Really not looking forward to dobthis but the wife is adamant that this is over and wants to start telling her bits.
I am actually a bit better now than I was knowing that I don't have a cat in hells chance of bringing my wife back makes me a bit more stronger if you catch my drift.
Well that has got to be the most heart wrenching thing I have ever had to do. My daughter was in tears. My wife just sat there cold faced. She really isn't the women I married and fell in love with which makes my life easier to detach from her.
Just being around her makes me so angry that she is willing to destroy this family without even trying to make us work.
My daughter was in tears. My wife just sat there cold faced.
I'm dreading this. I do hope you have some GAL plans tonight to take your mind off it.
My daughter was in tears. My wife just sat there cold faced.
I'm dreading this. I do hope you have some GAL plans tonight to take your mind off it.
Sigh. This kind of stuff just plain is sucktastic.
And the thing is, the ex's don't care as long as they are happy. This is when throat-punching should be legal...or at least like in hockey were you get a five minute time-out.
No gal plans tonight just going to leave mh and go to my parents. Not really in the best frame of mind to do any socialising.
And yes 5 minute punch up would be ideal. Daughter seems ok now but not sure how she will be when I leave. 😢
Not really in the best frame of mind to do any socialising.
That's when I'd go to the gym and hit the punching bag for a while.
Not really in the best frame of mind to do any socialising.
That's when I'd go to the gym and hit the punching bag for a while.
I was going to recommend the same thing. Prior to this experience (specifically BD#2) i had never hit a punching bag in my life. Now i do it a few times a week. And i made sure to find a place with other people so i can socialize if i feel like it.
Not really in the best frame of mind to do any socialising.
That's when I'd go to the gym and hit the punching bag for a while.
I was going to recommend the same thing. Prior to this experience (specifically BD#2) i had never hit a punching bag in my life. Now i do it a few times a week. And i made sure to find a place with other people so i can socialize if i feel like it.
Google 9round. There are some UK locations i think.
Been a few days since my last post. Did go out after all on the Friday night and went round a friends house and put the world to rights. Played golf Saturday in a charity golf day for a sick little boy. Bought back lots of memories when our youngest was really sick so I made my excuses and left. That's when my day went from bad to worse. Spoke to my daughter and said I would call her around 7.30. Got to my folks place and didn't really feel like socialising so just went to the spare room. I fell asleep and phone was in silent woke up at 8pm. Called the w and got so much abuse off her and then I retaliated and ended up in a full blown argument.
The following day sent a text to her and her friend.(friend answers the phone one time and she also got an earful) saying I apologise for my behaviour it was uncalled for. Got a reply from w saying thank you apoology excepted but nothing from the friend.
Moving forward to last night the w sent me a text asking for details of my salary this year (end of our tax year in uk) and also what I have been promised for a mortgage offer. Did ask why and she said she had an appointment this morning. Gave her the details but not all of them. And then she tells me that her app is with her lawyer.
I said I thought that we were close to working out the finances and she replied we are big I need to check some other stuff out.
This puts me in a right panic thinking that she is going to start asking for more money and larger % from the house. Didn't sleep well and then was in tender hooks all day.
W finally texts me about the kids as j have them tonight and tomorrow night at the house. Drop in a question saying are we still working with what we weee we serremnt prior to your meeting and she confirms we are.
So either her layer is thinking what she is asking for is a good package or she is going to blindside me in mediation next month. Either way there is nothing I can do about it so decide that I just need to stop worrying about things. Things will b alright. If o don't like what she is asking for or she won't budge with my counter offer then I will hand it over to the lawyers to deal with.
She did sag that the children sodemof it will be pretty quick so sounds like I am going to get my 2 nights a week and every other weekend.
Saw my doctor today (who is also divorced) he has been giving me a lot of good advice as well as some anti anxiety meds which also help with sleep. These have been a god send no more waking up at night and not being able to get back to sleep.
Anyway so that's my few days. Trying hard to detach from the w not really having any conversations with her except for children. Daughter doesn't seem to really grasp what we told her on the weekend. Although we didn't really tell her much just that daddy and mummy love her and when we made her we liv d each other lots but now we just feel we are better being friends. Not sure a 5yr old gets that I'm sure once we start selling the house and she she's where she will be living it will be another issue to deal with but she seems happy in her self and she was glad to see me. And the little one would stop saying dadda dadda when I walked in so a happy end to a pretty miserable few days.
Hi kevinin
Not really any updates been with the kids for the past 2 nights. Not really spoken with the w apart from children stuff. Didntalkto hwr today via instance meaaagjng about the children and setting up a shared calendar. This then proceeding in discussing what to do about the house. She then proceeded in telling me that she may not live where she said she was going to live and tried to get my back up. Saying that I couldn't stop her moving to where ever with the kids. I was calm and said she could afford to still live in the area. To be honest I have no idea what is going on in her head it seems that all she is concerned about is herself. Spoke to me solicitor straight afterwards and he said that I have a say in it especially is she moves schools. But to be honest my w can't leave her job as she is paid very well for the hours she works so I think it was just to get a reaction out of me, as so far every time I have seen her j have been pleasant and kind to her and probably knocked her off guard.
The daughter opened up to me this morning asking when I would stop being away from the house and then started crying saying I want you to be here all the time. Funny that she doesn't do this to the wife or if she does I don't hear about it. At my brothers this evening and have my independent mediation meeting tomorrow afternoon. My solicitor said that in order for us to do mediation she needs to have clear plans on what she is intending on doing. So hopefully the mediator will point this out to her tomorrow as she also has her initial meeting tomorrow. Was kind of hard doing the forms earlier when j had to tick a box saying is this marriage over yes no or not sure. Haven't ticked anything yet.
Really don't know what my w is playing at I really don't.
Have my initial mediation meeting tonight. Not sure why I feel worried about it as it is just a session to explain how the process works, and to asscess if we are suitable. W has her at some point today mine is late aftwrnoon.
Been worrying about what my wife said yesterday about leaving the area with the children. I cannot believe she is considering moving my daughter from her school. Why doesn't she actually put our children first before herself. She makes me so mad. I will fight as hard as I can to make sure this doesnot happen even I feel that means me fighting for primary carer.
I will update later after the session
Been worrying about what my wife said yesterday about leaving the area with the children. I cannot believe she is considering moving my daughter from her school. Why doesn't she actually put our children first before herself. She makes me so mad. I will fight as hard as I can to make sure this doesnot happen even I feel that means me fighting for primary carer.
That bites, my friend. Get the BEST lawyer you can and fight this in court. Mediation isn't going to cut it...and be prepared for her to come out swinging.
Just spoken to the mediator and my wife said nothing about leaving the area and it is her aim to stay in the area we live. Wtf is she playing at.
Get it in writing in the agreement that neither party can move without the others consent.
Good luck with your session. Listen to a good comedian in the car before your session to give ya a laugh. It helps.
Just spoken to the mediator and my wife said nothing about leaving the area and it is her aim to stay in the area we live. Wtf is she playing at.
Yeah, mine said the SAME EXACT THING... Until the mole that I have in her camp said that she was planning something to the contrary. That's why I got the educational tie-breaker. However, in my case, I could have won full custody but at the end of the day it's about the kids and the cost would have been too high for them.
Don't, for a second, believe what your wife is saying. Period.
Well that was an interesting first time meeting. My wife has submitted her financials and her starting opening request is outrageous. I am actually sitting here laughing by the amount. She is now asking for another 50% more than she originally asked for. My gold mediation is going to be fun cos I'm not giving her anything like what she wants. Maybe it's time for the lawyers to step in.
So since last night my w has now phoned me theee times to answer questions rather than text a reply to my question. Not reading anything in to it. Back at the house this weekend with the kids. She was suppose to be gone as soon as I got here but hung around for around an hour exchanged pleasantries and I just played with the kids.
When I arrived she just sent me a text saying that one of my daughters friends was here. Said ok I will come back as j have a phone call to take as I didn't think she would be there. Her reply hate to she your lawyers bill. Waited a while and replied I can't afford this one he's a fiend of my brother giving me advice.
Hopefully that might put the wind up her.
Trying to be strong and detach and to be honest when I saw her earlier didn't really feel anything for her. Was polite and smiled a lot. Thinking I have actually turned a corner. Maybe it's because I cannot believe how much she is thinking she is entitled to. And all I hear from her its for the kids. Bs you are trying to get as much out of me as you can. Speaking with a friend about it and I think she has upped her original request so we end up at what she wants. Can't start negotiating through mediation if she has already told me her bottom line.
So not sure how to play this. I'm at the house tonight with the children and not back there until Sunday evening. Spoke with w earlier and she asked whether I wanted to go to the house Wednesday evening to see the kids. Of course I would love to and have said let me think about it. She says that she will go out for a bit then come back afterwards and sleep in spare room. Should I take her up on the offer or stick to my guns and say I will just see them Sunday.
I don't want to stay there and end up having an argument with the w. We saw each other yesterday during change over with the kids. She was supposed to be back at 4 but said she was running late and arrived at 5.15. Didn't mention it didn't talk about her being late or where she had been. Was polite and courteous. Now I have her asking this...
Some advice please
I'd say don't overthink it or try to read into. If you want to see the kids Wednesday night, then do it. Mentally prepare yourself to focus on them only and politely look right through her if you notice her at all.
I'd say don't overthink it or try to read into. If you want to see the kids Wednesday night, then do it. Mentally prepare yourself to focus on them only and politely look right through her if you notice her at all.
I 100% agree. If you want to see them, then take her up on it. Don't engage with a fight with her. Just treat her like a work colleague - polite but not overly friendly or rude.
Been a while since my last update. Not really nothing to report been away for a few days playing golf in Portugal. Came back Sunday to which I thought would be myself and the children for 2 days but the w announced she would actually be staying there the Sunday night. Really find it tough being in the same house as her, it's getting easier but it bring up all of the feelings I have for her. She did go out for a while which gave me some time alone with the children and i did have the day with them yesterday. The w has now taken them away until Friday to one of her freiends houwes who I believe is one of the major factors in my w pursuing this divorce. Her friend has never liked me, she is also like my wife from a broken home, so is probably giving her as much encouragement as she can.
I'm at the house for this week alone with the pooch until they return Friday then as it is easter and although it is my weekend to have the children my wife has asked for them on Sunday swing that her and her whole family are big Christian's.
Mediation starts in 2 weeks today. Since she has put her original settlement request up I am now withdrawing ever offer I have made to her and will be starting at the minimum required by law and a 50/50 split of assets. But that's not going to be until at least the 3 session.
Me personally I'm having my up days and down days. More generally happy than I have been and the few days I had away with 11 others certainly helped my mindset just wish it has been for longer.