A few months ago I was had a feeling my wife had cheated on me(she denies and I kind of believe her) but from that conversation she told me she is not happy and hasn't been for a long time, I asked if he wanted a divorce and she thought she did.
I did everything wrong, cried, apologized, begged and generally looked pathetic. We booked into Marriage counseling and did one session where she just attacked me and then we left and have not been back since as she told me she was not interested and didn't get anything out of it.
Fast forward and I kept pressuring her to tell me what she wanted and what she was thinking before she finally filed for divorce. I tried to detach and managed about 2 weeks and she seemed to want to talk, became more affectionate and wanted to hug me a lot since I was unavailable but I eventually opened up and we went back to square once I allowed myself to be open to her again.
She has still not served me and it has been a 11 days since she filed and I told her when she told me she doesn't want to be married or go to MC to give them to me on this date(today) Things had seemed normal until I got a text today telling me she was sorry she had forgot to send and will send today. I called her and asked if she wants I can sign today and be done in 60 days or if she is OK I can wait and she told me wait is fine she is in no rush.
What am I supposed to do here, I really don't know what she is thinking or what her plan is??? I feel like I need to just get out and move on but really don't want to if there is a chance that it could work out.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htmYou may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Wow - thanks for all that info!!!! Glad a place like this exists I really.
The stages of LBS is so accurate I have been through all and keep going backwards and forwards, want to have hope so acceptance is such a hard one to stay with.
Regarding the rules for LBS how do you operate without being cold, detaching is such a hard thing for me without switching of completely.
Has anyone had success moving out? I am currently in the spare room and we are civil in the house and hang out and watch TV together but feel like maybe moving out would help provide space.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Also should I ask for the acceptance of service letter or just leave it? I feel like I want to sign the papers and move out and give her a chance to miss me if she does or move on if she doesn't? or could this backfire and kill what would potentially result in reconciliation?
If you truly want to try and save your marriage...
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!
If she wants to leave, then let her leave.
If you truly want to try and save your marriage...
DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!
If she wants to leave, then let her leave.
OK, it just seemed like the right thing to do but i will Listen to your advice, I don't feel like I am achieving anything in the house this has been ongoing for almost 3 months and nothing seems to chance, how do you take day to day?
More info I forgot to include earlier.
I have received the I love you but I am not in love with you speech on a few occasions. Also been told she doesn't feel for me like she thinks she should feel for a husband and wants us to be friends.
I can't see any chance of friendship if this ends in divorce, think it would be too painful to be around
We booked into Marriage counseling and did one session where she just attacked me and then we left and have not been back since as she told me she was not interested and didn't get anything out of it.
Did she tell you why she was so unhappy in your M? Are they things that you believe you can fix?
You might want to add a signature to your account with your info. How long you have been together, married, when she dropped the bomb and if you have any kids.
You also might want to make a post about some of your marital history. Were you failing on your part in any way? Did you fall into a rut and stop listening to her or stop being as attentive to her as you should be? Things like that will allow others here to better help you.
You might want to add a signature to your account with your info. How long you have been together, married, when she dropped the bomb and if you have any kids.
You also might want to make a post about some of your marital history. Were you failing on your part in any way? Did you fall into a rut and stop listening to her or stop being as attentive to her as you should be? Things like that will allow others here to better help you.
Yes hit a life slump was unhappy st work and sole provider. I feel she cut back on intimacies and she thought I was emotionally unavailable.
I recognize my faults and am working on changing for both our sakes, I rejected social life for a while to get in a secure position financially and I'm finally there and then bam this happens
We booked into Marriage counseling and did one session where she just attacked me and then we left and have not been back since as she told me she was not interested and didn't get anything out of it.
Did she tell you why she was so unhappy in your M? Are they things that you believe you can fix?
She had felt like I was emotionally unavailable, sex life started to dwindle which made me feel very rejected and it progressed from there
She dropped the bomb beginning of December.
Yes I fell into a rut, she went back to work and felt like i didn't support her enough
Yes I believe I can fix it all, I recognize a lot of the problems and need to fix them regardless.
That's the most frustrating part for me is that the first I hear of a problem and its game over with no chance of working on it after 12 years of Marriage. She told me she had tried to talk to me many times but all i heard was criticism and nagging.
Yes I believe I can fix it all, I recognize a lot of the problems and need to fix them regardless.
CM,
You are operating on your mindset, not hers. There isn't any fixing it all. The best you can do is work on yourself.
That's the most frustrating part for me is that the first I hear of a problem and its game over with no chance of working on it after 12 years of Marriage. She told me she had tried to talk to me many times but all i heard was criticism and nagging.
Speaking from personal experience, the flags were there. It's just that we didn't want to or didn't know how to see them. The decision to leave after 12 years of marriage isn't made over night - it was a long time coming.
Yes I believe I can fix it all, I recognize a lot of the problems and need to fix them regardless.
The only person you should be trying to FIX is yourself.
Not the relationship and not her.
Yes I believe I can fix it all, I recognize a lot of the problems and need to fix them regardless.
CM,
You are operating on your mindset, not hers. There isn't any fixing it all. The best you can do is work on yourself.
That's the most frustrating part for me is that the first I hear of a problem and its game over with no chance of working on it after 12 years of Marriage. She told me she had tried to talk to me many times but all i heard was criticism and nagging.
Speaking from personal experience, the flags were there. It's just that we didn't want to or didn't know how to see them. The decision to leave after 12 years of marriage isn't made over night - it was a long time coming.
Thanks and I understand that I just wished I would have seen it earlier. Regarding fixing I was talking about myself and my past mind set and attitude.
I just wished I would have seen it earlier.
Its never too late to start.
Yes I believe I can fix it all, I recognize a lot of the problems and need to fix them regardless.
The only person you should be trying to FIX is yourself.
Not the relationship and not her.
To Clarify I did mean myself, lots of things I can change which will result in happier me and being in a better place for the children. I have been seeing a counselor but feel like end of road with this one and switching to another next week who specializes in men
I just wished I would have seen it earlier.
Its never too late to start.
I know thanks for the support.
I have been putting some of 'Sandi's' rules in place and feeling better just focusing on me, feeling a little more like my old self in only a couple of days which feels really good, still have the odd crisis moment usually at night but the majority of the time i am able to get on with things and even felt good in the gym first time in a while.
Question I have is how to handle when W shows some affection? she put her arm around me last night, came to give me a kiss when i came in from work and snuggled up next to me on couch last night while we watched TV. The last time this happened I reciprocated and within a day she became really cold again and I lost all confidence so how am i supposed to react without appearing too cold but also without opening up too much and losing my confidence again?
If she gives you one, give her one back.
If she gives you one, give her one back.
Ok I feel like I made it awkward so will try and just react if she makes moves first next time if there is one.
The Detaching really helps keep sanity in check I was falling apart prior.
Has anyone hear experience a similar situation to mine and what was the outcome?
We are still civil, no cheating I know of, filed but not served, house isn't on the Market yet, had one consultation with mediator but no further discussions etc.
The Detaching really helps keep sanity in check I was falling apart prior.
It does. It is just very hard to learn and do.
Yes it currently is just a temporary state with cracks here and there of going back to feeling like Cr@p here and there.
Have you read the Pursuit and Distance materials in Cadet's link? They will help illuminate what's going on w/r/t those instances where she's affectionate, you reciprocate, and then she pulls back. It's microcosmic of the relationship as a whole right now.
Have you read the Pursuit and Distance materials in Cadet's link? They will help illuminate what's going on w/r/t those instances where she's affectionate, you reciprocate, and then she pulls back. It's microcosmic of the relationship as a whole right now.
I did read that, part of the issue she had with me was being 'emotional unavailable' so didn't want to come across as cold towards her.
CM82,
In my opinion, the best thing you can do right now for yourself and for your marriage is get out and GAL. Find something you really enjoy and excites you and go totally hardcore. Keep moving forward for yourself and don't look back.
CM82,
In my opinion, the best thing you can do right now for yourself and for your marriage is get out and GAL. Find something you really enjoy and excites you and go totally hardcore. Keep moving forward for yourself and don't look back.
I agree and working on that part, doing everything possible to make sure I will be OK for myself and the Children.
So hard to entirely switch of feelings after 12 years together.
Hello CM82,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is going to sound like an echo around here, but you can only fix yourself. Focus on being the best CM82 that only a fool would leave. Make these changes for yourself and your children. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Let your actions speak for themselves.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks Cristy.
Working on being best version of myself at this point mostly just to get through the situation but with a little hope in back of mind I get a second chance
So hard to entirely switch of feelings after 12 years together.
It's pretty much impossible, but in time it will get better. Hang in there my friend and keep working on yourself.
So hard to entirely switch of feelings after 12 years together.
It's pretty much impossible, but in time it will get better. Hang in there my friend and keep working on yourself.
Spot on. After 10 years of marriage, the same happened here. It took a virtual hammer before my switch was flipped. Does that mean her ghost doesn't haunt me? I'm afraid to say it does - and there isn't anyway to remove exorcise that ghost. It will always be with us. The trick is to learn how to compartmentalize it.